The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 12 - The Past Times with Beth Stelling

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and guest, comedian Beth Stelling New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Alright everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old

newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Beth Stelling welcome back. Happy to be here. It's time to go through a weird paper together. That's why I'm here. Not better ways to get to know each other than to go through an old-timey paper together. Now Beth would you like to promote anything up top? Obviously you have a very fantastic special. Are there any other things you would like to promote? Your special is Girl Daddy which you can which can be seen upon HBO Max. That's where it is. That's really it. That's

all I got. That's good. I can't think of anything else. Go to my website. Buy a shirt if you like. I mean who knows. Buy a shirt and watch the special. In the shirt. I cannot recommend the shirts enough. I have like eight. Dave's been asked to stop buying the shirts from that site which is like merch wise that red flag never pops. They can't figure out the coding to block you but they're trying. I got a couple emails that was like this is getting awkward. Why do you keep ordering them in different sizes? I want to watch the special again. I want to see if it's funnier than a XXL.

Dave got a VPN and a PO Box and I believe it is. That's right. Dangerous combo. That's right. Dave got a creepy paper this week? Yeah this is the paper I've selected. Kings County Rural Gazette. It's Flatbush New York so it's over there in the Brooklyn area. March 15th, 1873. Okay. So it's an early one. Right. We would expect a lot of anti-immigrant stuff far different than today's culture. A cotton gin? I don't know why. Yeah. That's right. A delicious drink by the way. A cotton gin. I don't know if you've had it. 1873. There's a little news. All that happens on the front page here is a little news summary. Of what? Grant will not

change his cabinet. That's the whole story. I like drawers. Ulysses S? Yeah. I guess that yeah. I'm assuming it's Ulysses S or it could be Fred. And you really would not want to know anything else. I mean that says it all. Like who needs new ones? Yeah. Grant won't change cabinet. Yeah. Yeah. The woodshed for the inauguration ball cost $60,000. I have no idea what the fuck is happening. A woodshed. Wow. That seems like a lot of money for back then. A woodshed. Yeah. It does. $60,000 is a lot back then and it's a lot. It would be a lot for a woodshed to date. Yeah. Yeah. And guys, is this not a term? Woodshed? Are we having a party in a woodshed? It's

got to mean something else, right? They can't just be like, no, look, the woodshed, the inaugural woodshed. If you vote, you get invited to the woodshed party. Yeah. Right. It's a euphemism. I mean, you had the woodshed. We're gonna do the woodshed after the inauguration. Wait, wait. You coming? You coming to the woodshed? Why is your mouth open, Dave? I've just read some spectacular at this rate. It's just so, okay. Kerosene is up again. This time, it took up a colored woman named Duvall who lit a fire with it in Baltimore. Wait, what? These must be new journalists that are still trying to figure out how to write. Oh, no. This is pretty, so far, it's pretty tight.

I'm trying to picture this front page. It must just look like what a paper looks like when you take ketamine. It just looks like headlines sort of swirled around. It's not great. You guys ever used kerosene, by the way? Oh, yeah. No. Well, I love lighting. It's lighting fire. No, lighting barbecues. That's not, is that? That's propane, baby. It's just lighter fluid. It's propane. Never mind. I don't know if it's just lighter fluid. The only thing I think the only reference I have is when Kevin McAllister dipped the rope in it. Oh, yeah. Yep. Let's show the wet bandits. Yep. George Hall, aged 18, shot Amelia Spockley, aged 14, dead in Maryland. He afterwards committed suicide. She had failed

to answer one of his letters promptly. The last part, it's clearly her fault. It's our own fault. Oh, my God. She should have answered. She's still here. She's still here today. I just, the consistency of men through love of history is phenomenal, too. Yeah. Thank God that changed, right? Wow. 18, 14, doesn't get a message returned, kills her. I mean, it just is. You can't win. Yeah. I mean, if you're a woman, like, what is your choice? Your choice? Like, I guess I should always talk to this person that I don't want to talk to then. Otherwise, we all die. Yeah. I mean, could it have been worse if she wrote back and said, not interested? This is not great. I'm not in you. I think it's the same outcome.

Yeah, I feel like. I think so, too. How dare you. Oh, 100%. 100%. And then the, then the news started to just be like, she got shot. It wasn't a great response. Yeah. Yeah. Woman doesn't know how to flirt is killed. Plus, she's 14. Oh, yeah. But that's like 30 in those days. But it's still, I, it's still, now I got Dave that shirt. It's still pervy. It's still pervy. It is. And no matter when you hear it, I'm always like, buddy, come on, would you just hold on a few, please? It is a weird, like legal line, but we have it. And then we need to stand, we need to stand on the right side of it. Wait, wait. I love how it's just like woman dares to say no to man's advances. Woman has gall to rebuff

man. I can't, you know, I mean, what do you think the people thought? Like, were the people like, yeah, I mean, she should know that. Yeah. They were like, she should have written back clearly. I mean, that's on her. Her family was probably ashamed. They were like, I can't believe she didn't write back. It is. That's why not burying our daughter. What if it's like a postal error? And they're like, we saw her walk it to the mailbox. I walks up with the letter, right? As he said so. Oh, fuck. I just, she was in my bag. She liked you. She was in my bag. I didn't see it. She liked you. You idiot. She's handwritten that she wants to suck on your dong. She checked. Yes. She checked the yes box. And that's

when he was like, bam. Yeah, that's it. That's a better, I like that ending better. Yeah. And by the way, you're 18. You'll never meet another person. So it's certainly not another 14 year old that you're washed, dude. Yeah, bro. Oh, here's some foreign news. I don't know what this means. Oh, great. Can't believe they were aware of other people. What we used to be, we lost that. Yeah, it's gone. There's recognizes the carless as belligerence. Whoa, one more time. There's it's T. I. I. E. R. S. There's recognizes the carless as belligerence. And that's the whole story. The carless were, uh, well, they're like royalists and in Spain and like the 1800s. I'm just thinking about people who don't have a car. Yeah, the carless.

Yeah, yeah. No, that's about the carless. There were a lot of us in the 1800s who were carless, honestly. Bulligerence. Wait, I still can't fathom the headline. I know the sentence is actually warfare on my brain. I know. Now it's still lost. It's not there. A headline. It's the whole story. Okay, great. So I have issues with the story. Imagine being assigned this article and they were like, this is all I got. This guy. This is like how I would handle term paper. I have a topic sent to a stout room. This is 18 pages at five words. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of hyphens in this term. I feel five. I did so much research on this and this is all that they, it's all I could find in the library. It's all. There's

what I'm guessing though. If it's, did you say T H I E R S? Yeah. See, isn't there, there's this, it's not theirs as in they are or possessive. It couldn't, couldn't it be, could or is it a proper noun? Like it's a group of people there. Oh, or is it or tears? What are we talking about? Tears? Could it be tears? Googling it. Tears. Adolf tears. Joseph Louis Adolf tears was a French statesman and historian. He was the second elected president of France and the first president of the third republic died in 1877. This is right before his death. Yeah. Would it be okay to join us every episode? I'm already realizing how great context is. Yeah. It's very good. It makes so much more sense. He was popular in liberal circles among

younger regions. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So he, he's pissed off at a Spanish monarchy. Did you say Dave? Well, these are people who want to bring back a certain lineage of royalty, I believe, as leaders. It was like a splinter off sort of. It looks like a little bit like one of my favorite ex-boyfriends, dads. Oh, that is the weirdest sentence we've had yet in this. Is that, is that mentioned in the, one of my, one of my favorite ex-boyfriends, dads. So not your favorite ex-boyfriend, one of your favorite ex-boyfriends, dads. One of my faves. I've got a couple faves. They're a good man. But the one, he's actually tattooed on my back. This one.

What? The dad or the, the dad of the boyfriend. The, the boyfriend's signature. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Look at that. What a spot. You can't really get at it where it is. He went out with Banksy. Pretty cool. Wow. Wow. Pretty cool. Anyway, he's little glasses, like little wire ones. Oh yeah. I'm already into him. He's already one of my favorite dads. Look, the Marquis of Lorne and Princess Louise are reported separated through incompatibility of temper. That's a, okay. So a bubble has split up. Okay. So yeah. Is it a separation or were they actually pulled apart? We don't know. Could be either one. We just know it's, it's not working because their tempers don't work together.

One has a hot and the other has a cold. It's fair. I mean, that, I would say that is a, that's a fair, that's as fair as it probably gets in this time as far as the irreconcilable differences. Cause normally it would be like, you know, woman unable to handle passion or something along those lines. And then this one's a little bored. This one is just, there is another revolution in Mexico. There we go again. The Mexican. And this is no story. This is just a knock list of. It's literally the whole story. That's the front page of the paper reads like a topical set list. 100%. It's just like, it's nonsense. All right. We'll go to page two.

At a pigeon match one day last week at the house of Mr. Durham, a gun. And a pigeon match. All right, keep going. I just want to let you know how good it was. At a pigeon match one day last week at the house of Mr. Durham, a gun in the hands of Mr. Feltman exploded, injuring one of his hands very severely. What? He didn't even fire it? Or is that? He's never seen a gun fire before. He's like, his hand exploded. Sometimes guns will explode. I was going to say, is there no, you know, description of this man? We're all just, everybody in the town knows who he is. Yeah. You know, once you hear the name,

they're like, oh, it's a Feltman. Sure. Well, we should point out most times in papers from this era, Beth, not only will it, first of all, go on to describe you in like detail where you're like, why, but it'll also be like, here's his address. So they usually just like, here's where they live. So up until, up until I want to say the sixties, they would give people's addresses, whatever they talked about. And then people just started getting yeah. And then eventually they were like, Hey, you know, it's really not helpful is that address information. Okay. So I was just curious what a pigeon match was. And it's a meeting or contest where pigeons are shot at is their release from boxes. At least they let them out of the boxes.

Yeah. That took 30 years to develop that. Yeah. But like, I've watched a pigeon get run over, run over slowly next to me on the highway. Yeah. It's just like, I've been driving in standstill traffic, and I've seen a pigeon. And then I'm like, watching the car. Oh, I was in the passenger seat, so I didn't have to drive. So I'm watching it. And the car next to us is moving slowly in the pigeon. I know, I have to sound like a suicide. I mean, it was so wild to watch fight or flight. It had to have been a specific to Burt. Like it's, you know, you'd be like the only thing I can imagine is they it was just like this so slow. It didn't know it was coming. And then it would. Oh, yeah, it must have been. Yeah, it must have just been like,

what? Am I moving or is the car next to you start to move? And you're like, but it just what did you say when you saw a slow mo? Yeah, what happened? I remember I was probably like, I'm trying to think it was one of my first trips out here. It might have been like 22. And I was like, no, no. Because I've had some weird run ins with tires and animals. I ran over a freaking rat on my bike in Chicago. Oh, my God. I was riding fast down a hill. I'm seeing it run. It was like a little overpass. I'm seeing it run, run, run. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just lift up my legs and run over it. It's very hard to avoid hitting an animal because the animals also like, I got to get out of here. And you're like, I got to not hit it. And those

two combined are not the greatest. Sometimes they cross over poorly. When I, when I finally drove home to see my mom once we were vaccinated, I was driving fast on the highway home to Ohio from here and a bird is flying at me and hits my windshield on it. And I went like this. Like I ducked behind my wheel. It was my own reaction. Like, yeah. It was so weird. Yeah, that makes sense though. With birds. It would make sense. I would duck too if something came out of my windshield. I would duck. I'm, I have issues with this bird. Yeah. It's not like a good greenhouse. Like, oh, yeah, no, it seems to me there's stuff going on there. Like, I'll go through the car. Don't worry about it. Maybe he's a bit of a daredevil. Well, you don't

know. Sure. I think birds just die around me. I know. What the heck? Well, that's only two, right? The pigeon and the one I killed. The other was a lot. Oh, yeah. But I mean, it's been like two minutes. So it's like, it's been a lot. It feels like a lot. I mean, for, you know, for the amount of time. Yeah. I'm out over here doing pigeon matches. That's your neck. That's gonna be your next album. And I never would. Pigeon matches. Well, see, when I hear pigeon matches, to me, I like the idea of like, and I hate cockfighting, but I do like the idea of like pigeon cockfighting, like the idea of like, get these pigeons to fight because they are like you said, they're the kind of bird that'll just let a tire win. You know, sort of that laissez-faire

attitude. Yeah. I think they're just pretty dumb, right? Anyway, I'm sorry. I really diverted us here. That's okay. That's fine. This is just a miscellany section. Is it the whole paper a miscellany section? It's not. Yeah, pretty much. There's no organization. Brainwork. Brainwork costs more food than handwork. So this is a rich guy in an office now writing a story. According to careful estimates and analysis of the exertions, three hours of hard study wear out the body more than a whole day of severe physical labor. Oh, isn't it great to be a journalist? It turns out my job's harder than working. Wait, wait. Hold on. He literally just said brainwork is harder than handwork. He said three hours of brainwork is harder

than working all day. And remember, this is the 1870s. So people are working 12, 16-hour days. Like it's not like- I was going to say there's more. Yeah, I was going to say 18-hour days. I'm just like, this is clearly a result of his dad calling him a little bitch or a puppy. Yeah. No, yeah. His dad one time was like, get your hands. You have no calluses on your hands. He was like, I have calluses on my brain, father. Brainwork is harder, goddammit. Than handwork. Than handwork. Oh my god. Another evidence of the cost of brainwork is obtained from the fact that though the brain is only one-fourteenth of the weight of the body, it receives about one-fifth of all the blood set by the heart into the system. And Dave, just to be clear, this is around the

time where cocaine was recommended for- Yes, lots of cocaine was being used. Right. Right. Well, that's a lot of brainwork. Brainwork, brainworkers. Wow, this guy is really like, I've got a term. I have a term. Brainworkers therefore require a much more liberal supply of food and richer food than manual labor. Oh, this prick. He is a real piece of shit. I hate this guy. When I, my brother is a general contractor and like, I've worked for him and the work is impossible. And there have been times where I've like been at a writing gig and I've come to see him after day of his work. And the, like, when I'm like, I'm tired, I'm like, never mind. I'm sorry. Because I'm like, this dude's been like in crawl spaces all day. Well, I was like,

what kind of salad do I want from Mendocino Farms? Yeah, again, for the second time today. I mean, it's hard being a brainworker. We're all brainworkers. It's hard. Look, there is absolutely something real about decision fatigue. Yes. Also, I can't stop. There are times- Brainwork. I'm not kidding. I've gone maybe five times so far. I can't explain it. There are just some times where I won't, I can't stop yawning. I'm sure if there was like a house episode, they'd be like, you have AIDS. Like there's some sort of link. That's always the first case of it being Dr. House, but that's, that's for sure. AIDS. He's the number one specialist. And then it turns out to be much weirder. Oh yeah, no. She's got a firework. She's got a firework

partner nose. It's always like something crazy. Have you been eating strawberries out of your boyfriend's ass? I don't know why. I haven't. I've got to be honest. Well, let's save the questions for when House gets here. We'll let House handle that part because he always doesn't know what you've been eating out of asses. No, but it is true. Brainwork is taxing, but it's also the like, you just don't, you don't write an article. Like anytime there's statistics in the 1800s, it's like they're totally invented or they're off of some lunatic who like does math with marbles in a wheelbarrow. It's just like, you, you don't know. They don't know. Yeah, but it's also a guy, any guy doing stats is a guy at an office. So he's going to be

like, well, I'm working much harder. I'm tired. These call dudes. The Paul was just raise your hand if you're tired. And it was just like three guys sweating in an office. They were like, I am, I am. Well, all right. That's, uh, by the way, that's handwork too. So we're raising our hands with just handwork and brainwork. So we're all going to need a kid later. I'm going to be exhausted after this. And by the way, yes, handwork sounds like hand jobs. Let's move on or not brainwork. A German physiologist has discovered that tobacco smoking by boys interferes with the molecular changes, coincident with the development of tissues and makes the blood corpus corpuscals. Corpuscals. No, that's when you make a pep popsicles out of a dead guy. I love it.

I'm sure I said it wrong. It's also broken, whatever, oval and irregular at the edge. And then this is the comment in the paper. Any parent can thus ascertain if his boy smokes by merely taking out a handful of his blood corpuscals and observing their edges. No, the recommendation, take the blood out and study it. What a German doctor is like, Hey, man, I'm looking at blood and kids who smoke, it's fucked up. This thing is fucked up. And the guy's like, well, they just, the newspaper is like, well, they just take out the blood, man. If those are the things that are wrong, take it out and look at it and put it in your hand like sand and then see how it goes

through your fingers and keep doing that until you know what it is. And it's such a great juice, like at home experiment. The newspaper was like, go fuck yourself. That's what I think about your smoking research. I wonder how they eventually got to it makes your voice shorter. You know, well, it sounds like he's sniffing around that a little bit, right? I mean, he's basically saying like smoking cigarettes changes you to some extent. Makes your corpuscals. Yes. Your corpuscals are strange. The German guys like, no, smoking's not good. There's a problem here. Right. And no one wants to hear that. No, no, of course not. Yes. But then the recommendation obviously to, you know, get that, get the fingers moving through that blood. Obviously, you know, that's not,

I'm not super comfortable with it. I mean, my dad used to do that to see if I'd been smoking weed. What would he do? He'd take a bunch of my blood out and he'd put it in some mugs and stuff and he'd, you know, just have a look at it. I mean, that was just normal adolescent stuff. Yeah, yeah. Slice your son. Absolutely. Oh, my father would cut me open like a tree to get the age of. Both pops. So this is just, again, we're back into just random stuff being here with no, there's no, there's no proofing of this. We never left that part of it. Yeah, we really have. Smash up last Sunday. Well, it's like MTV. We're doing a smash up. Honestly, there's, because there's no continuity, it's clear that like different writers do

different things. And this is the writer that's like, you got to grab their attention. Yeah. Honestly, every paper was just a zine. Yeah. A hundred percent. Me and my friends run some stuff about how you should, yeah, it's tough to think and you should, if you want to help your voice smoke and cut his blood open. Smash up last Sunday while Mr. P. F. Burns of Brooklyn was driving through Franklin Boulevard, his wagon collided with another vehicle and the result was a smashed wheel and a spilled man. No one hurt. It's so amazing. Someone counted blood. See if he smokes. Spilled man. Yeah. Nobody hurt feels. Yes. Completely incongruent, without question. A man was spilled and considered to be fine. Oh my God. It's just amazing. This

was a time when you just had a tiny fender bender and they threw it in the paper. Also, the idea of a man spilling. Yeah, he spilled. I picture a bucket of the person. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm just picturing, I guess, the carriage dumping amount. I spilled my husband. Will it come out of the rug? Do you think? My husband spilled all over my chest. My husband spilled everywhere. His blood. This headline is hoggish. The headline is hoggish or you are claiming it's hoggish. The headline is hoggish. Yes. The headline itself is hoggish or you are setting us up. No, I'm saying that's what it says. Do you think I'm going to die with how many times I'm yawning? What is happening? No, no. It's totally normal. No. We're boring. You've got blood smoke.

Am I kidding you? This has happened to me one other time when I was doing stop podcasting yourself. I don't know if you know Graham Clark. Really? He's up in Vancouver. Yeah. I couldn't stop yawning. Well, we know Graham and so maybe it might be us. It might be us. No, it's 100% not, but it is a little unsettling. It's tough. It's a little unnerving. It's tough for us. I'm not about to hide it from you. And by the way, that's the right call because the hidden zoom you on, I can smell out a mile away. Exactly. A mile away. It's like, you just look like the screamer, that painting the screamer as you're just like. Okay, here we go. All right, ready? Don't yeah, don't yeah. Let's make it through this friend. Gosh, it friend Gus friend. Gus is a great

start friend. Gus is a great start. So it's just the writer's friend told them this friend Gus Williams last week killed a hog for Brust Van Wick, which weighed 468 pounds. Holy shit. Tell us why. Tell us why they don't have hogs in Flatbush. Why? That's the whole thing. That's the story. Oh, wait, hold on. That was the last line is. Yeah, the last one is tell us why they don't have hogs in Flatbush. No, the article because that hog is scooped them all up and put them inside. I think they're saying that they want big hogs. I mean, that's a giant fucking. That's a very huge. Think about a human who's four or five hundred pounds, four hundred and seventy pound person. Yeah, that's what I'm going to pick.

And then they didn't picture them on their hands and knees. Yeah, they pitched them as a pig. Uh, it's big. So, okay, so by six hundred pound life, my five hundred pound pig is a show I would absolutely consume if you get that going. You think pigs like Slopp put that show in front of me and you'll watch a hog eat. Yeah. And why don't you think there are hogs in Flatbush? Because they're all cast in my five hundred pound pig. They're busy. My five hundred pound pig is a better show without question. Um, but the headline, Dave, to just be clear is a man saying his friend Gus killed a big pig. Yeah. And then he posits the question. Hey, why not more? Why don't we have them here? Right. If they're killing them there and they're that big, why

why aren't we also having a big pig life? You can have a big pig too. Right. Right. Okay. So he, but hold on guys, where are we again? Okay. So that's the thing. Flatbush versus where is this? Flatbush. Well, he says Brooklyn. He says we're looking at a Brooklyn magazine or this is, this is, this is Flatbush. That's where this paper is from. Oh, okay. So then I don't get why he's, is he trying to be funny? I'm sorry. Does anybody else feel stupid because I'm like, if this is Flatbush and he's like, why can't we have pigs in Flatbush? It's like, well, because you just killed it. And is he trying to be funny? You're doing too much brain work. Okay. Right. Now you've been in four hours in a field just from that. Okay. You're going to knock yourself

out. You're too tired already from all the brain work. There it is. I, I, and I'll answer for Dave. Beth, I, we need to literally dig this man up and reanimate him to find out the answers. Otherwise, part of me thinks he's trying to be funny. I'm not going to lie. One more. Read it one more time, Dave. And if you could with a little comedic zing bamboo friend, Gus Williams, last week killed a hog for brust van wick, which weighed 468 pounds. Tell us why they don't have hogs in Flatbush. I think it's a joke. I think it is. It's a bit. I'm going to try again on stage. Please do. Please. I can do. Let me do a flat friend. Gus Williams. I'm going to friend. We got it, Dave. We don't know. I'm going to do it. Pass the clothes.

Friend Gus Williams. Last week killed the hog for brust van wick, which weighed 468 pounds. You and all tell us, tell us why they don't have hogs in Flatbush. It's a little Stephen Righty dry at Moontower this year, actually. Actually, Moontower is going to be great for you. And we want the first version, not the Stephen Right ripoff. We like the big guy. Okay. So guys, brust van wick. I'm like, what is that? Is it a man? It's a man. Oh, it is. And you're sure? Yeah, that's a dude. And I think everybody knows who he is. So they're like, well, brust van wick lives there. Right. That's what I think. Okay. All right. Here. Okay. All right. Next story. Taylor's Hall was the scene of a pleasant social surprise on Tuesday

evening of this week. But as we were not remembered, we are unable to give particulars. So this is a slighted article? Yes. This is a fuck you for not inviting me. This is like, you know, when people have those poetry magnets, it's like that, but with headlines or for just poetry magnets, honestly, there's not much that adds up. And this day, what page are we on? We're on page four. Page four. Of how many though? There's like eight. That's amazing. It was an eight page paper. But imagine buying an eight page paper and imagine going through the first four and being like, I've learned absolutely nothing. I've got nothing. I've learned nothing from this. Oh, my God. The thing I know the most is that a pig got killed and then this

guy's Maddie didn't get invited to a party. Yeah. The party part is very clear. And the guy who was upset about the brain work hand work, but outside of that, I don't even remember anything he said. Stabbing a fray. I mean, that how long do you think it came? It came for him to come up with that title. Stabbing a fray. On the 18th, on the 18th instant, a quarrel arose between Thomas Cassidy and Thomas Rice of Windsor Terence. I'm the better Thomas. Exactly. Concerning the ownership of some manure. That's my shit, Tom. You keep your eyes off, Tom, just because it says Tom doesn't mean it's your shit. That's my pile. I put my name on that shit. I shit atop of it yesterday, sir. You're not supposed to be shitting in my manure pile, you idiot. But it's mine now.

So which resulted in Cassidy's thrusting a manure fork through the arm of Rice? I'm sorry. There was a fork for manure. You put it next to salad. Oh, my God. Like, how? Like, this is the most infected arm of all time. Yeah. It's so bad. It was so bad. I mean, and the doctor probably looked at it and was like, I don't see an infection. I got nothing. This is really the greatest sentence when I read it all together, which resulted in Cassidy's thrusting of a manure fork through the arm of Rice and a lawsuit followed, like as if immediately. I'm suing you. They can sue each other back then. It became the new duel. I challenge you to a lawsuit.

This is a prey. Yeah. Mr. Kid, the former occupant of the land, sold the manure to Rice, and he was not able to remove it before Cassidy took possession of the land in trying to remove the manure afterwards. The above quarrel was occasioned. I can't. I mean, how good is this poop? He's like, look, he told me that the land comes with poop. I listen. Yeah. And when I looked at the Zillow, this had the poop pile. This is the only reason I bought this property. We just assumed that we get the big pile of poop. We're going to need to redo some paperwork if that's the case. Oh, here's an invention, a hatching machine. Hatching? Hatching.

It comes up with plots. Dr. Pratir exhibited a machine for hatching. He showed a chicken that had been hatched since he brought his apparatus to the hall. It was put in the machine January 27th. A number of chickens were put on the table where they fed on seeds. One not yet out of the shell was handled around. So it was an egg. By the way, yeah, there's an editor. Why don't you just start with it's an egg? It's an egg. Well, this chicken's not yet out of its shell. I don't want to say egg because it's not yet out. Egg is not allowed to say, obviously. So chicken. Another that had been incubating for four days was passed around in a saucer.

It was passed. I'm trying to picture the hatching machine. It just cracks eggs. Here they describe it. The hatching machine is a two feet cube, holds 100 eggs and uses one quart and one pint of oil each day. 20 to 24 days are needed for the process. All good eggs can be hatched. They must be turned once a day. Okay. So this is one of these things, which is kind of, it's one of those, right? They're called, aren't they incubator? I mean, when I was a kid, I think it was incubator. Hatching machine makes it sound like it will be like, now's time to bring this one to the world. Right. Like speeding up their growth.

Yeah. Like knocking on the shell, like come out. Or like, I imagine like it's shaking it around or something. Yeah. It gives us a jostle. It's sort of like when it makes the lights on and off, like, hey, come on. Closing time. It's opening time. Opening time. We're opening. Places. Places, embryos. Places. I just felt the fact that this guy brought in a hatching machine and then he passed around an egg and he's like, so that's what they look like before their chickens. People are like, right, it's an egg. And he's like, you see what I've brought to modern science. And now I'm going to put one of these actually hatched chickens or a post egg, as I call it, in a cup. I'm going to pass that around. You guys take a look at that. That's

okay. Well, it's exciting. It's a hatching machine. That's bigger. It is for a background. That's a pretty good advancement. Sure. I'm not really sure again. What? Oh, okay. A flick of that. Sad news. We're into the obituaries. Oh, no. No. This, the headline is Gravesend neck. Great. Well, let's Grave sand. Gravesend. Gravesend. Okay. One word. I don't know what that means. Gravesend neck. Mr. Henry Van Dyke, an old and respected resident of our town, was found dead in a kneeling posture at the residence of his daughter with whom he lived. What? On Monday morning. He died kneeling. He died praying. Yeah. You meant to find someone dead kneeling? Like, that's not good.

They're just like praying and dead. Like, dear God, I hope I live forever. I hope I live forever. Make it till tomorrow. Please Lord, if I die, give me a bed. It's cool, I ask. So he retired on Sunday evening quite as well as usual, complaining a little of some trouble about his heart, which he thought would soon pass. Don't worry. I'll kneel it away. I'll kneel that one off. The position in which he was found was the only one in which he could feel easy when such attacks came on. Oh, so it was his kneeling heart position. So when he had heart attacks, he would kneel. So yeah, honest to God, there's not a doctor who

could step in like, don't worry. Dad, I know your arms are numb again. Why don't you just kneel? That always helps kick the attack out of the old heart. Oh, here you go. His daughter, coming down in the morning, passed him on her way to the kitchen. Morning, dad. He wouldn't be dead. You would not think he's dead. Pray. Hey, pray for me, Pop. I'm going to get some eggs out of the old hatcher. No, she thinks he's doing his kneeling my heart hurts routine. I mean, wait, like it's a bit or? No, here it goes again. When his heart hurt, that was the only position he would feel good in.

He was like, oh, dad, heart hurts that early. Well, keep kneeling it away. He was like, no, I died nine hours ago. She's like, don't worry. Oh, God, don't mind dad. He's just standing. He's just in the kneeling position. His heart hurt again. I was going to say like, you know, it is kind of like he could have just been kneeling for days. Like he's just been praying and we don't want to bother him. Yeah. Eventually it's a skeleton. Like dad's gone. My crazy dad looks a little sickly. Hey, what was the last time dad wasn't kneeling for days? When did dad get pet rats? Do you guys remember when dad had a rat in his skull? Because that's

new. That's super new to me. Did you see that rat crawl out of his pelvis? Let's talk to dad and see how he's feeling for the first time of what it's been a year. I think his heart might be really bad. So she passed him on her way to the kitchen without taking a particular notice of him, knowing his custom. His youngest grandchild tried to arouse him, but could not. By the way, arouse has never really worked for me, but in this circumstance, it really is awful for just like, when are you going to arouse him? See if he'll get up. All right, dad. His granddaughter is just starfishing in the door, like who is ready to stand up? Who wants to stand up?

Okay. This called the attention of the mother to him and life was found to be extinct. Life was found to be extinct. By the way, if I ever find someone, that's what I'm going to say. Life appears to be extinct. Yes, dad. I said it quite clearly. Uh, he died of apoplexy. Uh-huh. Sure. Apoplexy? Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure. I'm sure it's just a heart attack, right? Yeah. It's gotta be. I'm going to look it up. Unconsciousness or an incapacity, resulting from a cerebral hemorrhage or stroke. Okay. So there we go. Dad. By the way, good on him for staying up the whole time. I would, you would imagine during like some sort of seizure or heart attack that you'd dropped to some extent, but he was like, I know what's good for me,

kneeling works. A little vitamin kneel. Uh, a correspondent, wait, a correspondent of the Ohio, Ohio farmers says he trains his vines to the top of the seven feet stakes and then nails the branches to the top, thus saving all tying forever afterward. This is no doubt an excellent idea and it is a wonder no one has thought of it before. He says he has applied for a patent and if granted, people shall be allowed to drive the nails on most reasonable. He wants a patent on nailing up vines to the top of a stake. You know what's not going to stop people before you get the patent, reading it in the newspaper and then doing it. Not a lot of people should publish their IP before the patent process is in motion. Hey, Frank, I noticed you, uh, you put your

vines up to the top there. You got the IP on that? Yeah. I don't want anyone using it. No, but I don't want anyone using that tactic. So I'm, uh, pursuing a patent. I enjoy stress. I did, I did that on purpose to motivate me. That's, uh, kind of my way of painting myself into that corner and getting it done now that I've, so it's what I call manifesting. It's like a fusion board but a paper. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what to say about this. A writer in poultry world. So poultry world is clearly. I run the chicken beat. Uh, I don't know if you've heard about the hatching machine, but that's really taken on world by storm. I do chick journalism. I'm a foul reporter. Does that, what are you not understanding?

A writer in poultry world says his plan for carrying hands. poultry world. You know, he went through that stargate we have on the wall and he now lives in poultry world. This is, I can't, I don't even know what to say about this sentence. A writer in poultry world says his plan for curing hands of a desire to sit is to, is to put them in an open yard where there are no nests or roosting places and different. He doesn't want, he doesn't want the chickens to fucking sit. Hands can't sit. Hustle. Hustle up. Come on boys. Hustle up. They're the bird sharks. They can't stop moving. No sitting boys. Let's go. Wait, but hands are the girls. Yes. And they can't sit. Ladies, let's keep a move on. They, they fucking sit and

make eggs. Like what is he talking about? And there'll be no more of that. They're taking money out of the hatching machine, family mouth. You read jungle fowls. Yeah. And, and differing as much as possible. The roosters are allowed to lay down. We're building the roosters bunk beds. The hands shall not be sitting. And differing as much as possible in appearance from the regular quarters and feed them liberally with soft feed made rather hot with cayenne. What the fuck? I'm sorry. This is, this is now starting to seem like it is just some sexist crazy shit. Yes. Give them plenty of cooked meat. What the fuck is going on? We're going to give them spicy hot feed and beef and they cannot sit. Feed them their own.

Look, they're all those spicy beefs. I'd lose perspective in poultry world. Well, get fucked. I've never had my bearing stronger assholes. Look who's normal. Me. The guy who's cayenneing the feed and not allowing them to sit. By the way, yes, they like fish. Yes, they like fish. Get up. And give them all. Diane left me that I'd probably lose my, my perspective. Well, they're crazy. Who's crazy now? The people who are letting the roosters not sit and the ones who are feeding hands down. I give them corn nuts for fuck's sake. Ranch flavor. They love this shit. They like barbecue corn nuts. And if you think I'm nuts, you're nuts. It's like his white flaps and he wants to hurt something female.

And give them all the milk they will drink. Oh, no. Why would you give chickens milk? This is not okay. I mean, it feels like he didn't want to leave the farm to take care of the hens. He's like, we've got the beef right here and the cows here. We give them to each other. We'll feed them each other. I'm putting the hands on what I call the me diet. And they will, they're, it's Atkins basically for hens. It's Atkins. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for the hens. I let them, they can come to the dinner table, but they ain't going to be sitting. They'll be standing, but they can eat everything I eat. That's for sure. I hope they like spicy corn. I mean, there's no way poultry world stayed in

business for very long. I mean, poultry world went away. It merely because it was probably covered in diarrhea. Yeah. Cayenne pepper and milk. What are you doing? Oh, the chicken, like the chicken civilization, having to rebuild after this guy was there. They're like, look, get the fuck out of poultry world. There's no, there's no way the hens can sit. My chickens is the biggest chick. I've been feeding Mike and Axe and molasses for about seven years and they's huge. I've invented a non-pooping hand. The hens can't sit because they have sting ring from the spicy meat. That's right. The answer, my goal was to make the anus of the head so precarious that they would never want to rest again. Oh, hello, sir. I'm from Precaeus anus magazine. And I think I know why

you're here. You're not welcome at poultry world and you knew that. Yeah, all you do is run gossip columns about what we do here in this strange world in upside down land where hens is men and men's is hens. I don't know how you top that one, David. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's pretty crazy. Man, some people feed their pets weird as shit and I'm disappointed in them. My dad will feed, he won't learn his lesson. He fed his weiner dog lunch meat for a year and it basically had to pay for like a $10,000 surgery because its guts were all messed up. I don't know. Maybe it was not 10K. His guts are so messed up he may as well feed him to the dog.

Exactly. That's how gnarly this lunch meat looks. Okay. This is titled The Smith's Forever. What year? What? This person's like, The Smith's are so good. Have you heard their new album? Oliver Smith and his three sons, Ivor, Thomas and Herum, fishermen of Greenwich Point are among the heavyweights of Long Island. A lot's getting drunk. Can you start one more time? Oliver Smith and his three sons, Ivor, Thomas and Herum,

a fisherman of Greenwich Point are among the heavyweights of Long Island. Their united Avoir du Pois is 850 pounds. Our reporters say not how far they would reach into space if placed perpendicularly above each other. I think he's just saying they're fat. Okay. So maybe read it again. I'll just imagine that's what's being said and see if that line. Oliver Smith and his three sons, Ivor, Thomas and Herum, fishermen of Greenwich Point are among the heavyweights of Long Island. So yes, tracks. Their united Avoir du Pois is 850 pounds. Okay. So he's saying their cumulative weight is 850, right? Yes.

And our reporter say if not how far they would reach into space if placed perpendicularly above each other. So stack them and they're so big and wide that they'll be able to touch stars. Right? I mean, yeah. Yeah. So. Okay. Avoir du Pois is a system of weights based on a pound of 16 ounces or 7000 grains. By the way, hey, we're going to go with the 16 ounces. We're not going to weigh the 7000 grains because that's hard to count to be totally frank with you. Yeah. So it's a pound. So he's like, we've figured out what a pound is. Right. He's saying they're united weight. Their overall weight is 850 pounds. Right. Their cube weight is 850. And if you were to stack them and perpendicular.

Nobody stacks anybody. No, nobody stacks anybody like that. That's not how you do it. Well, I mean, they're going to roll. If you don't, if you don't start incorporating some sort of pillar system, they will start to roll. They're that. Right, right, right. This is so fucked up. But the article is basically like these three kids are really fat. Yeah. Yeah. 280 on a man. But this, I mean, at that time, though, they were like, oh my God, he's a no, like when you, I mean, I forget how like Taft was always like mocked for being such a fat fucking president. And then he was like, he's like 280 pounds, like 250 pounds or something. Howard Taft, he got stuck in the bath. Yeah. I always like to picture it like Shaft, like Taft,

William Howard Taft. Yeah. He's stuck in the bath. Taft. I think there was a song about him getting stuck in the bath, but I don't fully remember it. I feel like I heard some of it just now. You did. I was just trying to recall it. I don't know what he was doing in there. No, no, I believe that was the accusation. Mr. President, this will be a controversial enough to end your presidency. Let me do what I want to do. I'm in the bath. Oh, here's a good ad. Obium eaters, we cure the habit permanently cheap quick and without suffering or inconvenience. Describe your case. So people just, I mean, you can obviously like ingest it, but that makes it sound like people are straight up like eating. I was gonna say, what did opium do? Make you

sleepy, right? Yeah, it was also, I mean, yeah, it's a totally downer. As someone who's smoked opium, it'll make you tired. Really? Yeah. What was your purpose? Like is it, is that bad to do? Is your outlook on it like, oh yeah, I smoked opium? I mean, you know, at the time I really didn't, I was, this was in England and I was pretty young and it was hash and opium mixed. And I thought nothing of it. And then it wasn't until I got a little bit older and I'd be like, oh yeah, I smoked opium for a summer where people are like, excuse me? Right. Oh yeah, I guess that is frowned upon. So it's really weird. It is weird. That's why I asked your opinion because I'm just sort of like, but isn't that with all drugs? Like for example,

I've never done cocaine. It scares me. But sometimes people who party and do cocaine, it's not a big deal to them, but it's going to be a big deal to me. I don't know. Am I wrong? No, you're not. But also you have to think of like in the world, especially America, the way America is shaped today, that any illegal street drug you're getting, they pretty much sell a version as hard or harder by prescription. Like Oxycontin is hardcore opium. Yeah. You know, it's probably worse than opium that I've smoked. Like I've taken Oxycontin. Definitely more addictive. Yeah. And it is so fucking potent that your skin inches, you are like, like that's where you're like. And so my mom didn't even take

hers after her hysterectomy, which is like such an intense thing because she was just like, didn't want to mess with it and didn't want to be constipated quite frankly. No. And that is another thing. Yeah. It really like those things do, like if you take them regularly, like, yeah, you are in trouble. You have trouble. But it feels good. Obviously, that's why people do it like that. But also, I think those are, I think any real hard drug like that, once you get into it, it doesn't feel no longer feeling that super strong effect anymore. You're feeling something, but it's like bleeding, which is why that addiction is so difficult to break. There's so many people who feel like, because of course, I have family

and people I've loved who've gotten addicted to things. And so it's like, I don't know. I think that's why I will never try it. Smart. I come from like, I'm not even, there's like people, I remember I dated a guy who was close to my age in the Len Baez story, scared the crap out of him, you know? He did Coke once and died. I don't necessarily think that. But I've also dated people in LA who did it and I was like turned off by it. And then they had friends who, I'm not kidding you, literally died within the last couple of years from doing it because it was fentanyl. So I'm like, and you're still, that's happened like in LA within the last year and a half. And I'm like, and you're still doing it? I had, in Wisconsin, where I grew up, I had, it became

really popular. Oxycontin became like super popular and kids would snort it, they would get super fucked up and you would watch people on it. And you're like, this does not look fun in any way. But I probably had no joke, three or four friends within a two year span die from either heroin or Oxycontin or fentanyl or some version of it. Because yeah, I mean, they get addicted to that shit. They've made it so addictive. I mean, that was when you read the emails, I don't, Dave, you remember the name of the family who came up with the OxyCat? What the fuck is their name? I remember hearing about this. Oh God. Their emails, when you look at their emails, they are fully aware of what they're unleashing. And then when you look at the slap on the wrist that they got as far as

like how much they had to pay versus the cost damage. Sackler. Sackler. And it's remarkable. It's like they have, I mean, if you were to be like a business, you would go, let's do this again, because we made so much fucking money off of this to so little consequence on ours. They're mass murderers. Yep. Very much so. Yeah. Anyway, nothing about pharmaceutical genocide. Sorry about that. I wish it had just been on my mind because it's like it will be like, as much as you don't want to like put a stigma to it, because obviously there's reasons, so many different reasons people do it or get into it or whatever. And all those people who, I don't want to sound condescending, but like what you need

to do is they hopefully get help or they want to get help to stop. But then if it's just like recreational, some people look at Coke in LA two ways. Some people are like, that's gross. And then other people are like, it's no big deal. And to me, I was just thinking about it today. I was like, it's kind of like religion, like, no, like because you don't want to be judgmental. But like, if I don't believe in God, I'm like, but there's no God. And then you, how could you not feel judged by that if you did believe in God? So if you're the person who's like, it's no big deal. And I'm like, it's gross. How do you not feel judged by, you know, is that a weird comparison to make? No, this was on my mind. It is. It isn't. I think, I think,

I think Catholics and Christians would be fine with you comparing that to cocaine. Oh yeah. That's right. You take one bump of the Lord and you can't put your dollar bill down. Take another rip, come to the bathroom. Unless it's into the offering. Unless it's into the offering, you do a bump and then you put it in the collection box. Thank y'all. Let's do two, let's do two more. We're in the crime, we're in the crime section. This whole thing's been the crime. I mean, we started out as a dude, killed a 14-year-old girl. This whole thing's been the crime section. Yeah. It's kind of, didn't want to end sinning. I mean, it's a highly illegal activity of mine. We need farm police for this paper.

The authorities are endeavoring to establish some connection between the man found dead at Newton and the murder of James Graham. Several of our city citizens have viewed the body and think the man had no connection with the crime. The corpse bearing every appearance of having laid in the hay for several months. The body is said to be rotten and the features beyond recognition. What in the fuck just happened? Wait, you're reading it. You tell us what just happened. They're trying to make a connection between a dead body that was found and the murder of a guy in the town and then they just have people walking through and looking at the body, which had been in the hay, in the hay for months rotten and decomposed so there's no features. And they're

like, I don't know. They say that hay is the farmhouse ass. So you want to put a body on it. This is just fine. Oh, God. Don't you imagine somebody got sick from that? If you got too close to it. I'm honest to God. I saw my grandpa and that was enough. I was like, I should not have seen this. And he was in a fine state. The idea of going to see a mush man, you know what I mean? I would feel so sick. I would absolutely... It's not just going to see a mush man. People are walking in, looking at him in the hay and being like, I can't connect him with the murder. Like that's what they're doing. I don't think he had anything to do with it. Look at how mushy his chest is. His hand can barely be lifted. How could he have done such a thing? His fingers

is worms. How could he even done it? We're still going to need everyone in the city to take a look at this dead body. He looks like green licorice. Just so we can all be a part of a collective trauma. We'll have trouble moving on. I'll tell you what. This is a bonding experience if we've ever gone through one. We're all going to look back and remember mushy Monday. Let's pick up his body on three. One, two, his limbs. He's four different pieces now. We should not have done that. He is. Man, it's like a spider web, but a man. He's all string. Let's get over here. When you die, you become yarn. Oh, God. A mushy man. The mushy man. When did they figure out body preservation, Dave? When was that? Oh, God, I don't know. We was a spin of the tail. Yeah. I mean, I assume

that that changed after the refrigeration and stuff, but I don't know when they started doing balming. I'm not sure. Yeah. Well, clearly not around this heyday. So, burglary, this is the last story. This is the big story on Tuesday night. I like how they treat the newspaper in this time like a headliner. They're like, here's the lineup. Now, y'all came to see this one at the very end of the paper. Normally, we're like, lead with the big ones. But in this paper, they're like, no. They will find it. On Tuesday night, the district schoolhouse at Maspeth was entered by burglars who broke every lock and completely ransacked the building, only about 40 cents, which happened to be in the

principal's desk was stolen. So, but as far as lock damage, they did 100 because they went around and hit every lock. Yeah, it took 40 cents. I mean, this was during a severe depression, 1873, but that's 40 bucks. That's 40 bucks today. 40 cents is 40 bucks? Yeah. It's not great. Man, why? That's crazy, though. And also, why did the principal have 40 bucks in his room? Yeah, see, that's 40 bucks. We're a little concerned about the amount of money we found on the property in school. Beth here's the story. She's like, well, that principal's pretty fucking suspicious. Going on with that guy. Well, I think you know, I think, you know, we're here for principal Clark, obviously, we found the money. So do you want to start or do you want us to start?

Are the bills even real? Is our question or are these counterfeit ones? It's unbelievable. I've been paying the students for various tasks. You see, it's a lot of brainwork. Therefore, I've been paying the students for handwork. Their little hands can really get in there. Well, one of them was arousing their grandpa when he was on his knees. So that would be a natural transition, obviously. Well, I'm still picturing the mushy man. Don't know about everyone else. Always. Well, that's our episode. Beth, thank you so much for going through a creepy old paper with us. Oh, thanks for having me. Nice to hear there was a Ohio shout out. I'm sure that made you feel, you know, like you're home.

It made me feel good. Yeah, it had to. But when they said Ohio, what was the story again? It was just two ago, right? Yeah, it was. I don't even remember. Maybe that's where the mushy man was. No. Wait, no, no. Yeah. Isn't that what you see on the side when you're driving home a mushy man? Home by the mushy. Home by the mushy man. What was the Ohio story? Ohio was the one where the guy wanted to get the patent on tying up vines. Oh, yeah. The old swing state. So, yeah, we've done you right. You're welcome. Thank you. Beth, why don't you plug your social media just while we're here? Okay. Yes, you can find me at Beth Stelling on everything. Stirring shit up on the Twitters.

Yeah, always. Great. Well, thank you very much for joining us. And thank you to everybody who's been listening. It's just we see the comments. I'm kidding. We haven't heard these yet. Okay. Thank you very much, Beth. And Dave, go fuck yourself. Wow. Wow. I like Dan Spicy. Jinks. Jinks. Beth, you thought it. That's what that means. That was a mindjakes thing.