The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 13 - The Past Times with Roy Wood Jr

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and guest, comedian Roy Wood Jr.  New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Alright everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go

through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Roy Wood Jr. It's very polite. Now how far back are you guys going with pastimes? Are you like in the library on microfilm printing up shit from 1937? Dave's mainly doing the microfiche montage from a lot of spy thrillers. We can go all the way back to the 1600s with newspapers now and it's all it's all online. Oh that's right they PDF all those shits now and you can get in the archives unless you want a copy of yourself on the back

of the New York Daily News the day after the Cubs won the World Series in 2016 because then no one can find that goddamn paper not even a fucking jpeg. But I'm cool about it though. Dave is that the paper? Some of the guests are really personal with the papers. I made the early edition. I was at Game 7 when the Cubs won and I was in the paper and I fucking didn't get back to New York in time. That's fucking crazy. Wow. That is crazy. That's a heartbreaker. It's stupid to be an adult and still be like oh my pictures. No but it's sports. It's different. You're on TV but it's different when it's sports. You're like I was there for them.

The happiest day of my life. So today we are going to read the Topeka state journal from Topeka Kansas from December 10th 1910. Oh wow okay and now I'm just gonna randomly pick stories. We'll go through the paper. Page one. Page one. Three blacks were captured after they tried to get slick with their fucking shop boat. Sorry. Sorry about that. I'm sorry to bring race into it. That was wrong of me. No I mean to be fair it's a 1910 paper. I mean it could be a 2020 paper to be honest. You could still. Too shame. Too shame I think. First headline. Expensive love of affair. Expensive love affair. Expensive love affair. SB Simulik didn't get

presents back and is fine $10 besides. SB Simulik's love for 16 year old Rosa Gammon cost the man from Canada $11.50 in court Friday afternoon. That's a lot of break. $12 because he. But how old is he? Which we'll get there. Okay. He uh the amount the young man must add to the 1000 which he says his love affair has already cost him. Miss Gam a niece of the girl testified that Simulik disturbed the peace and quietude of her home when he called her to collect the money and jewelry bestowed upon the girl with his heart. So he gave her money and jewelry because he was in love with her and she kept it. Right. And then as as you do.

Yeah. So he spent $1000 on it too. Yeah. So inflation calculator here and it says that carry the seven. $12 in 1910. It's the same as $330 today. That's pretty brutal of a take. Yeah. The niece said that Simulik had once threatened to kill her and that she was afraid he meant it. Jesus Christ. This is a love affair. Yeah. That is like I mean I would imagine there would be even more like the idea that they're like a guy got ripped off by a 16 year old. You're like what. Okay. Detectives Goff and Vols said the members of the family seem badly excited when they arrived at the house. Simulik wanted to tell the court. Yeah.

New attitude. You got to put that in a script. He's badly excited. Just said the act to be like wait. Simulik wanted to tell the court of the love letters and money and jewelry but Judge Ermey declared that it was not proper and that they would not listen. The defendant admitted that he did not leave the house when he was told to do so and he was fined $10 in costs. After the trial Simulik said both his heart and pocketbook were broken and that he would go to New York and try to forget. That's what you did. Right. Like an LA was a stressful run.

He basically just said if these women ain't shit in Kansas I'm out. Yeah. That's right. I like that attitude too because you're like the problem isn't me. It's the state of Kansas. Fuck it. I tried one chick. I'm a New Yorker. Yeah. Yeah. And I think also the idea that you have like given her gifts so now you're like I can stay in your house as long as I goddamn want. Yeah. It's just it's fair. I understand. Back in those days. In those times. In the 1910s people were dying at like 50. You didn't have a lot of time to fuck around.

No. Yeah. He's probably dying. Oh this is what he said afterwards. Okay. The girl didn't treat me right when she threw me down after I spent all my money on her. I didn't intend to disturb anyone. I just wanted my things back. That's all. I love Rosa and wanted her to love me but she wouldn't do it. Now I will go away and try to forget it. And my friend was hurt. Yeah. Also quite a court case when the court is like legally get over this.

Move on legally. He's like okay. Yes sir. Bitches be tripping. Please. Next case. Next case. Yeah. I mean what else was on the dock at that day. A stolen bike tire. This is also hot news. This is also from this is also from page one. The headline is Manuel is broke. Manuel's like what they ran with that. I told you that in confidence. I was just talking. Dethrone King has not enough money to pay his servants. What? The story's out of Rome. The the Tribuna prints an interview with a

Portuguese personage whose name is not mentioned but who is said to be a leading royalist concerning Manuel II the Exiled King of Portland. Sorry Portugal. Portland the King of Portland. That's Damien Lillard. You're not out again. I don't know. I think that's Ian Carmel. Kind of threw Damien Lillard in a way but yeah. Manuel he says is poverty-stricken and unable to choose a place of residence owing to a lack of money the dethroned king has been compelled to accept the hospitality of the Duke of Orleans at Woodnort in England.

What? The poor son of a bitch. He was a king. Now he's got to hang out in a Duke's house. Yeah now he's just sleeping on the Duke of Orleans couch. This is what this is like very harry and mega. Is that like Mar-a-Lago for like ousted fucking kings? Yeah the Duke's couch. For three months he has not had any means with which to pay his own servants. They make it sound like that's bad for him but it's fucking bad for the servants. That's what I was just going to say like it felt victimized to him until I actually just started listening and then you're just like wait this guy just was

like I don't I can't pay you. He said not easy. And at what point as a servant do you just go hey look this shit ain't working out bruh. Yeah. I gotta go work for another king my nigga like this shit is not. I've seen it it happens on bar rescue all the time where the guy just doesn't pay and you're like working for like three months then you're like I need a check and he's like I don't I don't have it. Yeah that's not something I'm doing right now. Yeah and then you go over and work at the Duke of Orleans. Well the Duke and then the Duke's like look I

invited I invited you and there's 13 of you and you're just eating all my shit. Manuel hopes that he will be restored to power insisting that a republic in Portugal cannot exist. I love that so they so they got rid of the king and now they're just having a republic and he's like yeah that's not gonna work. The attitude of dethroned kings is so delusional it's a may it's just like you can't fathom that they don't need you so you're like you'll regret it it's like yeah but you didn't do anything. Well you'll miss it when it's gone.

He lived the rest of his life in exile in Twickenham, Middlesex, England. His reign ended with the dissolution of the monarchy in 2010. 5 october. Holy shit. 2010? So fuck he waited around a while. This was the beginning of his fucking end. That's crazy. He's three months into the shit like this is like only gonna get worse for him. Oh my god. This gives a whole new perspective to this article now. Yeah he had no idea. He was like this is it.

Finally the fad part's over. It's like oh buddy this is your life. This is like the fucking corona articles from January like yeah that's crazy that shit's over there. Oh Seattle? Well that's crazy. Anyway. I remember watching a video on a Chinese dude like it is placed for 20 days and I was like this is why. So this is another page one. Uh hunts. Headline is hunts or brother. Topeka woman writes to Selena for information. That's a good story so far.

Selena Kansas. Who knew a Miss Goldsmith who lived here a short time ago? Another lost relative is being sought and he too wants a resident of Selena. The facts about him are vague for there is no other clue given that he once lived here. Miss A.E. Goldsmith living at once three. Oh this is something else Roy. I don't know when this stopped but they always put the address of anybody in any story and they'd be like this guy was almost murdered and then they'd be like oh he lives at two Oak Street. If you want to see the weak man that they

almost robbed and murdered. You want a second shot at this pussy. He has really been he's wobbling right now it'd be really easy to give him the knockout blow. He's down the road. Miss A.E. Goldsmith living at 1713 East Crane Street. Topeka has written a card to the postmaster asking for information regarding the man. The letter says can you give us information of Mr. Goldsmith who used to live in Selena. We are seeking a long lost brother and would be very glad for any information. Mr. Hull has been unable to

locate any man by the name of Goldsmith. So it's fucking violent bro you just lose a mother fucker you just have to put a ad in the paper and hope they read the paper that day. That is absolutely crazy. That's how it was back then like if a dude walked if a dude walked off then you're like fuck there's no way to ever be. I can never find this guy again. Well that's the end of Chad. He's gone forever. Well we've put an ad in 9000 papers and still haven't heard anything. That's crazy. Even the concept of like and that was then like it's not like the technology like

like up until the mid 90s they were still putting missing children on cereal cartons and it's like yeah is there anything less efficient but it's like fuck it we got to do something what's one thing everybody fucking loves that. Well that also partially like that created such a condition as a kid where you were like I'm gonna get kidnapped like I thought I was gonna get kidnapped all the time because I was like these kids are missing and when they would do like here's what he'd look like at 40. I'd be like that's scary and I don't think they

have the technology yet. I'll be honest I don't think they're there. I don't know if they have those apps now you can see what you look like at 85 or some bullshit. Yeah but I still think they're doing the old ones. Yeah yeah. Isn't that old technology? Sorry. Oh here's an ad on page two. Honored by women. Oh boy. When a woman speaks of her silent secret suffering she trusts you. I mean it's a terrible premise. Millions have bestowed this mark of confidence on Dr. R. V. Pierce of Buffalo New York

everywhere there are women who bear witness to the wonder working curing power of Dr. Pierce's favorite prescription which saves the suffering sex from pain and successfully grapples with women's weakness and stubborn ills. God damn bro. Jesus Christ. Hey it's just a period man. What's the medicine? Yeah what is the medicine? I don't think I heard it. Just go to see him. He's got a wand. Yeah it doesn't say it just says it

makes weak women strong and makes sick women well. No woman's appeal was ever misdirected or her confidence misplaced when she wrote for advice to the doctor. It doesn't say what it is it's just a mysterious stuff. How amazing is it that it's like women sick of your period call this man. I wonder if that guy from the first story tried to send his girl to the buffalo doctor. Hey listen oh you're tripping. You need to go talk to this dude. He'll

he will cure you of your stubborn ills. Oh wait down at the bottom it says Dr. Pierce's pleasant pellets induce mild natural bowel movement once a day. What this dude is giving him shit pellets for their ovulation? It's a different time. They're tripping. Have she tried to take a shit? I mean I don't know if I'm comfortable answering that but your wife has to shit. Give her my shit pills. Thanks for making the trip. Here you go sweetie.

All right have a good wagon ride back. Don't take the shit pills. Don't take the shit pills before a bumpy journey. Still on page two blame Topeka officials. Los Angeles paper takes up cigarette edict from Topeka. Here's what the Los Angeles Herald says of the new anti-cigarette rule on the Santa Fe first announced in the journal last week. Oh Santa Fe's a railroad. Quote down goes the curtain on festive cigarette. No more will the Rollins and the Macons occupy a place of prominence in the

pocket of the Santa Fe employee. Never again will the Newsy on the train slip out on the front platform to seraptipously steal a smoke while while the conductor is at the other end. Nor will the office boy be able to take his pups while swiftly striding from office to office from the highest to the lowest employee. The cigarette will soon be among the deer departed on the Santa Fe. Well David feels like it's very much like it's of today. I mean it's just the usual.

Newsy's stealing time to go grab a fucking heater. I never would have thought back then that anybody would ever make cigarettes illegal. You would think that they would kill each other before that happened. Yeah why is that. Well let's go more. Why is the actual next question in the it's right on time. And then it answers itself listen way often Topeka Kansas lives a body of men who are known as officials. They are the gentlemen referred to when the angry passenger flays the blamed railroad. Having or being supposed to have large

wads of the coin of the realm they are able to afford Havana's most all the time. This is like there's like 60 percent too many prepositions in this. It's like it's hard. It's like reading a page and then having to be like I gotta go back because I'm not sure. Remember this is before like regular radio and TV so you know they have to be all descriptive and shit. Yeah on the other side of Edgar Allen Poe at this point in society and shit right. They smoke cigars or pipes and therefore

be it known that they disapprove of cigarettes. So a few days ago. What is this too little smoke. That's not enough. You need to have something that seems you need plumes. So a few days ago the eloquent fourth to be spread broadcast wherever the Santa Fe road has employees from now on and here after the road did not care to pay salaries to regular employees of bull Durham or any other form of cigarette. That's it. They just crack down. But they are saying that pipes and cigars are

acceptable. Yeah these guys are still going to smoke pipes and cigars. Right. Okay. Like or else what. Like you know they didn't have the studies at this point for smoking fucking you up. Yeah what they I mean it sounds like this. It sounds like they were on the opposite side of studies and they were like don't you know non smoke causes cancer. Get a cigar in that hand. I love that this happened and then somewhere along the way air travel commercial air travel happened in the 40s and they were like fuck it light

them up again. We're back. Those railroad pussies. Well what's amazing about that too is like when they're like they were smoking and non smoking restaurants it would be like yeah I smell the smoke from your smoking section in my mind but on planes you were like this whole thing is just full of smoke. It doesn't matter where you put them. You can you can at least roll down the window on a train. Yeah or something but on a plane you're like cool six hours in this. That's awesome. I was like a kid I was so

sick I remember. All right page three is all ads. So give us one. Here's page one. Give me one ad. What are they selling. Oil and ship beverages restaurant. How to fix your wife. If you ever figured on getting your teeth fixed and want to save both pain and money do it now while my special prices are in effect painless Romain. No he's got a tooth on it and the tooth just says no pain. If you if you can afford to pay railroad fare hundreds of miles to have me do your dental

work and still save money. He's saying buy me a train ticket and I'll come fix your teeth. This is Uber dentist. Ahead of his time. Yeah. Buy me a train. I'm actually seeing a patient a month now. Pretty good clip. Uber dentist. Some fucking guy shows up. How are you. Stupid black bag that every doctor from 20s had. Just he's setting his weird tools out on an unhygienic table. Great. All right. Well you don't have the chair that I

normally have in the office. Could you just lay on the ground. This is the last time you saw an ad for a dentist. The only ads I would see are for kids dentistry. That's how good it's not. That's how much money there is in medicine. No doctor has ads now. That's so true. This is dentistry though back then. They were like come on everyone let's try together. These are really gnarly looking things. Society. He gives you a written guarantee of 20 years for all work. Well that would change everything. Now I would call that guy.

Best silver fillings 50 cents. Best porcelain fillings. Best enamel fillings. All 50 cents. Best mercury fillings. Those are top notch. Best set of teeth rubber base four dollars. Is that like an award ceremony. Is that like the denties. Are you reading off categories of the dentia ones. I've won all of these awards. I swept the denties. Okay. Hair help. Iyer's hair a vigor has no effect whatever upon the color of the hair. It cannot possibly change it but it promptly stops following hair

and it and greatly promotes growth. Ask your doctor. So basic hair tonic. Oh here's a good one you guys will enjoy. Dead horses and cows removed free within five miles. 150 paid for live horses delivered. 35 cents per hundred paid for hogs delivered. So the dead ones are free. Okay. Yeah I like that part of it. That's good also. It is a good hustle. I'm just shocked that I like the way that he's just like don't worry I'll take it off your hands free. It's like you're gonna eat this

aren't you son of a bitch. Doing you a favor. What a different time. Yeah when there was a dude who was like do you need me to come around and get you dead cow. I'll do it for free. That does sound like a Kansas type. It's like in the south where you see those we buy old homes. Yeah so bring me your junk car and it's just stapled to a phone pole. Yeah like in this day and age when that's your marketing you're like I don't know if I want to get in

business with you. That seems to be your main campaign. The best to use car people stapled to a telephone pole. I mean that's quality. Oh yeah no no you can always trust that. All right so this is from page four headline you'll tide saves him. Lad who confessed theft will not be sentenced at once. Is that a Chicago. Okay bulls bulls bulls cacti vits 17 years old. I'm sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry that that's a name and not a problem with bowels. Bowls bulls bulls cacti vits.

Sure yeah fine. Is that a person or location. It's a person. It's a person. Okay because it just doesn't have the feeling of what. Oh he's beautiful. We're gonna name him bulls. Who confessed to stealing two dollars from a registered letter will not be sentenced until after the Christmas holidays. I can't sentence this boy now said Judge Landis. After giving the case consideration I can't do it. Christmas is coming on and

he. Who is this judge. What a union judge. Wow this is like it's like a hallmark judge. Oh here it is so it goes on and he has four little brothers and sisters at home. I shall allow him to remain with them until after Christmas. Let him come here again. Then he's sentenced to death. January 2nd we cut his head off. We kill him January 2nd. He was a private banker and he stole. Oh well and now the whole story just split for me. I don't know about you guys. I was like that's crazy and now he's a banker and I'm guessing uh Dave a white

guy. I'm assuming that the judge was. I can only imagine with these uh legal loopholes. Yeah he's probably Polish right. Cactobots. Sure. Polish fella. If you say so. No point of reference on these types of names. Uh it's also from page four. Headline better than spanking. Well spanking does not cure children of bedwetting. All right it's started. Started. Swinging on these kids for pissing my pants. Can you imagine that being like oh I see I think he's nervous so I'm gonna

spank him a bunch and give him a complex so he doesn't do it again. No matter my fuck is no wonder my fuck is went to the war. Yeah right yeah. I'll go at night. I'm ready to serve. Uh there is constitutional cause for this trouble. Ms. M. Summers of South Bend Indiana will send a free to any mother her successful home treatment. Willful instructions. Willful and must be with full instructions. Send no money but write her today if your children trouble you in any way. Don't blame the child. The chances

are it can't help it. This treatment also cures adults and age people troubled with urine difficulties day and night. And is the program to not hit them? Yeah but she says it's free but this seems like this has got to be a scam. Well she's given away all the information. She's like the mother Teresa of bedwetting. She's like I'm just gonna help everybody out. It's not it doesn't feel right. First off she's right. Let's just start. She is right. She's ahead of the curve. She is right. As much as you try to beat your kid for

bedwetting it just doesn't seem to stop it. Don't give them a jug of water 30 minutes before lay down. Yeah and I mean spanking can only like you know move the juices around. You're spanking them before bed. Yeah now I'm scared of the spanking and it pisses twice. Yeah he's pissing more. Yeah that one's dark. That one is dark. Because you know somebody's like that bitch is stupid. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Yeah I know kids. Doesn't stop

bedwetting. Hell yeah. Yeah there was definitely some dads talking to the newspaper and kids were like oh no he's talking to it. Tell me not to spank my fucking kids. Oh no. Come here you son of a bitch. Oh yeah. Look her bed of hay is so soaked or whatever we sleep on now. All right well this is out of the local mentions section. Sure. Someone with a perverted idea of a joke sent an item to the state journal last Wednesday purporting to be the

announcement of the marriage of miss Edith Dick and Oscar Hall. The mother of the young lady says there was no such marriage and that miss dick is greatly annoyed. So. And that's it. That's the story. Are we. That's great. Hey you little prankster. This is the prank. This is all they had came up with back then. They were like miss dick is getting married and they were like oh my god imagine to mr pussy. Uh well it made miss dick upset. She probably got that a lot.

I mean I find that like I find that comical now. I need to use I've had to over time come up with just being like I will use better judgment and not take that low hanging fruit. Like if someone's names misses dick you just go yeah it's too easy but I mean it seems just like you know back then. Yeah. Golden comedy. Yeah someone had to be first with the did jokes. Oh yeah. Oh I would have gladly been in line. And then that shit's in the paper so you're

just you're just enjoying that for a day. Yeah. Yeah. This is from page five. Kansas. Kansas in of 72 wood race. Selena Kansas. Benjamin Hancock who is 72 years old has issued has issued a challenge to any man of his age in Selena to a foot race for 100 yards. It's just the most boring. How lonely were these motherfuckers. The things that we have found out through doing this and the and the dollop Roy is just the level of starvation for attention.

It's just like literally you could be like someone's buying a shoe and everyone would be like get your kids we're going down to the center. There was no social media. There was no internet. No no. I mean I guess the repeat shows and people were selling selling sex back then but you have to be of a certain age for that. But if you're just bored and want to race some other fucking you don't stand in the park all day. You put an ad in the paper set and appoint me. You start with it. You start by standing

in the park alone but then eventually like there's no takers. I demand a foot race. It's like when Charles Parkley raced that that's that ref. I don't know if you ever know. It's amazing. It's just terrible. It's like it's what's just like they have the form of running but they're not run. You're like it everything tells you this is a run but the speed is so slow that it's just not running. We might need to tune back into the paper to find out if that guy got his race. Well it said

it said at the end there that the challenge has not been accepted. Like no one has taken him up on it. 72 year old. Just looking to race someone 100 yards and it couldn't happen. Well who'd want to race an old guy like you just well he wants someone his age right. No any anybody he was saying I'll beat anybody at 100 yards. I would have absolutely taken him up on it. And then and then you just got this old guy that's all he has left is that he used to be a good runner and then you beat him and he's just like

and then that's in the paper. 26 year old beats 72 year old and everyone's like why did you do that. 21 year old crushes old man's weird dream. Some fucking young kid. So you're at you'll fuck. Hey you don't talk to me like did. And then 100 yards you'd be fucking gassed. Do you understand how. Gassed. I mean it really is true that you forget how far a hundred yards is. I like the difference between watching football on TV and watching it in

person is on TV like pick that up in person. You're like my god they're the best athletes on earth. They just got three yards. Yeah okay next one. Headline just to see city. Two 16 year old girls who hadn't seen a street car ran away from home to visit Kansas City denied even that. Okay so that's the headline. It's a long headline. Yeah we had never seen a street car so we made up our minds a year ago to come to Kansas City a year.

That was the. It's so unrelated to 1910 girls trip. It really is hard to believe. I mean you know what we should do next year for our birthdays. We're gonna go see a street car. A real street. Yeah yeah that's right. We gotta save up. Yeah this is everything. They didn't drink. It's probably a day trip. They probably came right back home right after. Oh my god and then we saw it. It was amazing and then this old dude died racing a child. That was the excuse Mabel Johns and Opal Alexander

two 16 year old girls who do not look to be a day over 13 gave for running away from their homes. Yeah a little bit. Who don't look older than 13 in my opinion. The two girls were missing almost as soon as the train left and the station agent informed the frantic relatives that they had bought tickets for Kansas City. I mean back then they must have lost their fucking minds when they heard that their kids were on a because there's some little town in Missouri and also and their kids are on a train to Kansas. They're going to the big city.

They'll be so corrupted. Yeah also you might never hear from again unless someone puts an ad to paper. Hopefully no smoking on the train. The telephone the telephone informed that's it. It says the telephone informed Edward Boyle. Hello I'm the telephone. I've got some interesting information for you. How are you? I didn't know how to say someone called him yet. They're just like the telephone told him. How magical device. It's specter of

detectives that the girls were doing Kansas City at seven o'clock. So when the train upon which they were riding stopped for the draw in Hannibal Bridge detective Harry author boarded it and before it reached the union depot was in conversation with the girls. Hello girls. This detective. You don't look at J over 13. Care for a pipe? I'm a detective. So the whole they is the whole thing that he's trying to thwart their day trip to go see the streetcar.

It's become this large investigation. Yeah yeah no this is a big deal and and not only it's not they've called ahead to another cop so they've they've called ahead for a cop to meet the train and this cop has gotten on and they because these are runaway girls. They're 16. Sure. And this is we were tired of living in that little burg they said later and just made up our minds to leave it. That was a year ago and then we didn't know where we were going to get the money but about that time one of our relatives gave us some bills to collect

and paid us a commission. We worked hard collecting them and today we counted up and found we had over ten dollars. So we bought tickets for Kansas City and got on the train. All the way up here we talked about how we were going to see the city ride the streetcars and visit the stores. Then the detectives met. I could understand that. Yeah yeah because if you've never I'm looking at a map it's 163 miles. I forgot how rule Selena yeah and even more so back then. Oh yeah but I mean that ain't a day

trip. You got to fucking find it out. Yeah. It's like an Ocean's 11 day trip but it's also imagine how fucking boring everything is. Oh play it all on the line to go see a streetcar. Yeah. I mean there's rumors of those. It's unrelatable. I had rumors of those things and they got all wheels and they're all nice. Oh did you hear about the streetcar? Yeah that's totally they're just in their room like oh imagine and you'd be sitting right there.

Looking at a postcard of a streetcar someday. Someday I'll see you in person. My son has status on Amtrak. That's cool. Yeah but has he ever seen a streetcar? I mean come on. Do the kid right. And what are the girls goes on then the detective met us and all we got to see of Kansas City was from the streetcar window coming up from the depot but we have ridden in a streetcar and even if they do take us back in the

morning they can't cheat us out of that can they. Wow that got sad. It's also just like cops used to like the work that police officers used to do was just so vastly different. That's why I don't know. That's what the police should be doing. Hey. Yeah that is like community service I said right. I mean like they're tracking them down. Find my daughter before she gets pregnant in Kansas City. She's gonna have sex with a streetcar. Oh here's a here's a sad one. City Marshal is dead.

Charles Harris wounded three years dies in Conway Springs. Charles Harris who had been City Marshal of the city for five years is dead. Three years ago Marshal Harris was shot in the groin while attempting the capture of robbers in the city. So dude got shot in the dick and then lived for three years and then finally it killed him. That's a tough three years. Oh my god. Hello I'm Dr. Andrews. I'm the dick specialist. This is going to be a long road.

They entered a store but escaped after a battle. The robbers were tracked to Wichita where the trail was lost. The wound never healed. Yeah well I don't. You get shot wrong. That was a rat. It's over if you're shot. I mean even now if you're shot in the dick I'm not sure how much there's not like. I know but what's what is what is happening with the dick that it takes you three years to die from it. Like what is the dick. No gangliness of shit bro. You know how the dick is. It's like it has its own will

and mind. So like he was probably like let me go and the dick was like we're going to beat this shit. I think he was just an artery maybe like some material damage you know. Oh yeah. And then every time you get an erection you just kind of bleed. Oh my god. If you have that once a month you got to get some of these pooping pills from the doctor on page one. You got to stop getting erections because you're kind of fucking. It's not your sutures can't hold

blood flow. You need 10 days without an erection in order for the sutures to grow. He couldn't do it. He couldn't go 10 days. I can't picture in street cars doc. My you idiot. Now we got to stitch it all again. It was worth it. Okay here this is page seven. Headline seized by an octopus. What the fuck. How is this page seven. So far this paper isn't backwards order. Shot in the dick and octopus so you're leading. Shot in the dick and octopus are like

furthest away from the front page. Hear all about it. Hear all about it. Shot in the dick and octopus. Read all about it. Page seven. This guy's got pills that'll make your wife poop. Have you ever heard anything so enticing. Also a marshal died from a dick wound and there's been octopus fights. This is a story I guess from Long Beach. Miss Jessie McDonald of Tucson Arizona was seized by an octopus which she had landed while fishing at the pier Friday. The fish.

The fish. Are they fish. I don't think they're fish. They're in the mollusk family. Yeah they're mollusks right. Smart motherfuckers. Yeah yeah this is too smart to call them a fish. That's what we do. They're like geniuses. They're like we can open jars with our minds. That's a fish. Because he's in water. The fish which measured two feet across immediately wound a tentacle around the woman's ankle. Miss McDonald fainted and so firm was the grip of the young sea monster that efforts of spectators to remove it were unsuccessful until a fisherman

applied a knife. Jesus Christ. So she had an octopus just chilled like she'd caught an octopus and grabbed her by the ankle. She passed out two feet and then the fisherman just cut off the tentacle. That's how it sounds. But they make it sound like some fucking 20,000 leagues under the sea octopus. It was like nigga you got caught in a low tide. You shouldn't have been out there. Yeah you're in his home. This is a page seven octopus story. This is actually a page seven octopus story.

Yes yeah a lady got grabbed by an octopus. And then what? And then a guy got her out really quickly. That wouldn't even get three retweets today. Put that in the paper. We're still on page seven which is a pretty hot hot page I think. This headline is can't slap snow ballers. Kansas court awards damages for boys loosened teeth. Independence Kansas.

Yes. That's a better headline. Keep going. Boys loosened teeth. Earl Howells of Coffeeville snowballed Ralph Shaw last February and Friday was given 600 for damages he received from the trouble that followed the bombardment. Now earlier you said you said 11 dollars was 300. This dude just got 600 dollars. Because of a snowball? For a snowball situation. Unusual

interest has been taken in the case because both principles are well known. Ralph Shaw is 24 years old and the plaintiff is but 15. That's 16,600 dollars in today's money for a snowball. 6 hundred in 1910. 16 five bro. It's pretty good for a snowball. You gotta go to the Buffalo dentist. Yeah right. And the dude given the money is 24. Is that? No maybe I mean the wrong. No it's gotta be a yeah right. I don't know.

I mean I don't know. Okay so Shaw accompanied by a young woman was walking up a street in Coffeeville when they were met by a fuselage of snowballs. Fuselage. To shield the girl, Shaw stepped forward and was hit in the back of the neck. He chased the Howells boy and slapping him in the face loosened nine of his teeth. Oh my god that's happened. That's like half the bottom. That's a punch man. Yeah that's gotta slap. Unless he has a stone hand. Yeah yeah right yeah that is a slap.

Punched him. That's not just one punch. That's a few. You don't just walk out knock out 19th with one punch. Loosened. But also if you're on a date I wonder how you like allow me to defend your honor. Oh no it's fine it was a snowball. No I'm gonna go beat the shit out of this child in front of you my love. You will see what chivalry really is when I use this adolescent. Kids being kids but I think I did it. He was embarrassed so I had to fucking defend my ego. Yeah that is that move. Loosened 19.

But for this kid if you were a kid if you were that old I would allow a stranger to punch me in the mouth for $16,000 without question. Not with that dental technology in that time. No you just gotta call that dude who lives. Bro all your money's going into fucking wooden fucking shit in your mouth. It's true. You wouldn't have anyone do that. God damn. This headline is returned to the child.

Well that doesn't sound good. Maybe don't keep going. Yeah I think we got this one. Blackhanders failed to get money brought girl home. Okay they just gave up. Red Bank, New Jersey. Four-year-old Mary Petillo is at home today after a disappearance since October 20th. Wait fuck that's two months? Yeah almost two months. How many months is that in today's month Roy? Frank Petillo the child's father was entering the yard of his home early

last night when he saw what looked like a bundle behind the fence. Investigation showed it to be his daughter. Oh no let's not let's not read that. Oh Jesus Christ Dave. Well it sounded like she came back fine. Well she didn't. She was a bundle on the front lawn you asshole. Roy was right we didn't need to hear anymore. That headline was very positive. She's back. Well I've got good news we found your daughter. Oh my god you did. That's right absolutely yeah

she's uh with the tinder in front. Shit. How is the headline not kidnappers kill girl? Like when? Yeah it's dead girl discovered body found. It's like no good news she's back. We've got an update she's back at better than ever. Okay let's give me a transition to an ad. The gentlest laxative yet the most effective is candy cascaret. Its action is natural so it never gripes. In a single hour in a single hour it will change

a dull day to a glad one. Carry them with you to promptly check all the little hills. Rapid shit juice is this an hour? Carry them with you. So like when you're out on the town you're like you know what today could use is explosive diarrhea. Just pop into these little pellets here. Boy I'm having a good time. An hour? An hour in an hour. That's average that means it might hit you at 25 minutes. Oh yeah yeah I mean that's like

it's an hour or under I would guess. And I would I would imagine that the you know these things are not uh FDA approved. Well not exactly to time you know what I mean like it's just I I would imagine a lot of it just goes through in like 10 minutes. Yeah I I'm sure it's a powerful I mean if you're promising an hour that's yeah it's not powerful laxative you're dealing. All right uh this is this headline is theatrical news pennies reward disguise diva on

Gotham streets. Sure. A grand opera singer who gets a one thousand eight hundred a week. All right so that's a shitload of money at the time. Yeah. Was able to make only three sixteen a day. She played a week. Eighteen. Eighteen hundred. Eighteen hundred. How? Who the fuck is paying opera? Well it sounds like she's an Italian opera singer who's really famous. Yeah. So. Fifty K a week. That's real good stretch. Fifty K. Holy shit. Holy shit. She played a week on

the public and the public tricked itself for a large part of it didn't take the trouble to listen to free music that it gladly pays dollars to hear when it is labeled with the opera's and singer's name. Uh so she's a few singers who have appeared in New York in recent years are better known than Emma Trent Trentini. Yes. Who gained the title of Little Devil of the Opera when she's staying at the Manhattan Opera House. For three hours Friday Trentini was a street singer.

She sang real opera. She gave the best she had and who were those who were awarded genius with a penny. Who remembered a full sweet voice which carried more than eight stories. I like the scientist is like we got it up here too. We're catching the readings. She sang a waltz from La Boheme. She sang it at one o'clock in a yard between 315 West 98th Street which forms a court for six apartment houses. Uh and the darling on Broadway whose salary for one week is 800

received six cents for entertainment. Around her head was a red scarf shawl. The shawl pulled over her forehead almost concealed her her face and she resembled the gypsy fortune teller or street singer. My god. From one of the windows came a penny wrapped in a note. It said the baby won't sleep while you sing. Please go away. Please go away. Please go away. And you pay a penny to give that.

Uh and she responded and and they're they do it in the Italian accent. The baby will not sleep. No. Yes. Said Trentini a roguish twinkle in her big black eyes. No. He will not sleep. I will sing. I mean it's it's it's it's it's spelled out. I can I can tell you so that last sentence is spelled I W E E L. I mean S I N G H E M A L L O O O L O B Y. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. By the way, I would a hundred times watch a 72 year old

race. Anyone versus watch this. Without question. A lot of death in town. Yeah. Not a death in sad shit. Yeah. She sang for only she sang for only a minute but a woman's head was thrust from one of the upper windows and a nickel tinkled into the courtyard. Trentini picked it up and waited for more. There was no more and she tiptoed out of the court. Jesus. So so that is a story about an opera singer. Went to a court expecting to make a ton of money

and one person threw a shut the fuck up penny and another gave a nickel. I think I think she just want to see what would happen if you know she's super famous and they're like fuck off. That's my baby. Right. So we should try this probably the last one. Yeah. Let's see this last one. This is from page nine. Sure. Headline. Lizards in the stomach. By the way, if again to page one with you. Headline. Without question. Okay. I don't believe this is

true but this is from Cleveland. A live lizard six inches in length and the head of another lizard were discovered in the stomach of Miss Lovie Herman 19 years old who died early Friday morning in her home. Cleveland physicians and surgeons are interested in the case and a number of them will attend the post mortem examination. Miss Herman had been ill a year from a disease which puzzled many specialists. Last Monday, the attending physician

succeeded in bringing from the girl's stomach the live lizard and the head of the second one but too late to save her life. Shut up. What the fuck? They are. What? They're saying that they pulled a live lizard out of her from a. I mean, this is some bullshit. This is. I mean, come on. Too much. Yeah. You flew too close to the sun with like there's parts of this that work. Got the family four year olds. I mean, I wish I could stay on more with you

guys. Wait, there's an explanation. The family formerly lived near Millsburg and drank spring water. It is supposed the girl swallowed the lizards when small while drinking and that they gradually grew and killed her. That is that it's hard to believe that we're only 110 years away from something. Like that is so 1400s thinking that. Oh, man. It's upsetting. Well, I love you boys, man. I wish I could

stay longer, man. Oh, it's great. Thanks for coming on, man. I've got to come back. Why don't you promote what you want to promote? Do you have anything? I don't give a fuck, man. Just Google me. Perfect, perfect, perfect. I do. Follow Roy on Twitter. It's very funny. Yes, and Instagram. Roy's the man.