The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 15 - The Past Times with Marc Maron

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian, actor and podcaster Marc Maron. Check out his new stand up special on HBO: From Bleak to Dark.  New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

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All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, Mark Marin. Welcome, Mark. Thanks for having me, fellas. Yeah, well, you booked a big one.

You booked a big one. I enjoy your work. Thank you, Dave. I've heard of you a little bit. Yeah, the thing I like about Dave is the fluctuation in personas from Twitter Dave to text Dave to me hiking with Dave. It's a full spectrum.

Which one's your favorite, Mark? I know it's not Twitter Dave. Well, the one that I hike with is human. Yeah, he can't send you links, which is nice. The other ones, I'm not sure where the fuck they come from. I should have. I'm not sure where they come from. Yeah, the other ones, I'm not sure where the fuck they come from.

I should totally send Mark links while we hike, too. That's probably why he gets you up into the mountains. He's like, no reception. Finally. He can't be bleak. The human that I used to know from back in the day. This is a good reunion. So, Mark, you mentioned that you had a podcast before this.

I don't think you've ever heard of that. A podcast I called WTF, which I know is an original. But we're just trying to get it out there like everybody else. Like I said, we could talk advice after the show. I wish you would, because I'm really going to help you out a little bit. Well, we've got to wait for it to upload. There's a minute where it has to upload,

so we'll do that then. But then you also have a special on HBO Max, called From Bleak to Dark, which is a great title and a great special. But the title is very appropriate, and everyone should go watch it. I'm sure a lot of people are watching it, but it is a rarefied space, and it is a great watch.

I feel like I finally landed one. After 30, 40 years in this business, I think it has a lot to do with being on HBO. I think that it still means something to people in their brain. Netflix means nothing, but for guys our age and older, HBO is like, oh, it's HBO. Even if it's not, oh, it's HBO.

In our heads, it still means something, and it's right up front, and it's gotten great feedback from my peers, which is very important. I got an email from Richard Lewis, which was, yeah, he's one of the building blocks of me. So we contact each other, we talk to each other occasionally, but it's very funny how he said, your special is close to perfection, but progress not perfection, right?

And then he goes on to tell me that he was watching it, his wife enjoyed it, and for most of it, he was basically thinking about himself, but I did break through. That is sweet. To summarize what Richard Lewis said, it's like, I actually was able to watch you for a while and appreciate this.

And I'm sure. Yeah, well, I mean. Take a comic out of his head for 10 minutes and think you've won. Yeah, it's a success. Yeah, Neurosis is the old phone. So that's what he just is checking in with himself. But it truly is like, it's so good.

It's so smooth. It's like, we were just saying this before we started. There are moments where you're like, how am I hearing this? And I'm not curious how we got here. Like there are just a few of those moments where I'm like, I'm naturally listening to this, but if I were to do the 30,000 foot overview, I'm like, how the fuck is this?

But it's great, I would go listen to it. I worked it for almost two years. So I mean, I was pretty comfortable with it. So I think that has something to do with it. It's also nice, I'm just tired of hearing comics talk about nothing, you know. Oh my God. I'm just going up and talking to those two.

So what, Dave, I put out a special, Dave, fuck off. Come on, I told you. I worked for Seinfeld. I'm doing it, that's where I am. Vacuous nothingness. And also the stuff about your dad, too. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, amazing.

He called me there, I called him the other day. I called my dad and he goes, hey, how you doing? Where are you, Massachusetts? And I'm like, no, Massachusetts. Nope. Want to do another guess? All right, Mark.

So the ruse of this is Dave Anthony, you know, historian, lunatic, link sender. He has picked out a paper from a random date. And I normally, like it's anywhere from basically 1600, which those ones are very, very weird. Or it could be more recent. I always like to start with a guess and you're more than welcome to.

I'm gonna guess for you, he wants, I think he wants to wow you. Oh. Because I think despite the air he carries about him, I think he looks up to you. And I, so I think we're gonna go. We can't. Don't get him started, man.

I think we're gonna. I was kind of open. Off air. Don't make me close up. This, I don't, one time I broke up with a girlfriend and Mark took me over to his house and played AC DC, Highway to Hell. I'm like, who, what?

That help? Listen to him. Did that help? He's gushing. I don't know. I don't know. I was trying to help. That's it.

That's a great answer. Did it help as a good next special title? I'm gonna guess 1845. You're more than welcome to have a stab. I think I'm going with 1972. Oh, I like that too. Wow. All right.

It's 1877. Wow. But you know what he likes. He loves that 1800 shit. Yeah, he does. When you had to crap outside and whiskey was hydrating. That's the taste. All the sort of personal stories

are about people losing hands and machines. Yeah, right. Yeah. Trading a wheel for a boy. And medicine was like, should we take out his eye? He has a stomach ache. Yeah, okay. All right.

So this is the San Marcos Free Press. Where's that? San Marcos, Texas. I have no idea where San Marcos is. Oh, that's not good. No, it's never going. These headlines are probably a lot like the ones now. You'll find some of that.

Yeah, probably. You know what's crazy? A lot of these don't have headlines. They just throw together little stories and there's no title or anything. Oh, it was such a small community. They need headlines. There was nothing else to read.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a diary. And then they throw in little facts. Here's a little blurb on the bottom of page one. Sweden and Switzerland contribute the largest number of new members to the Mormon church. England is third on the list.

Wow. So it's kind of like pop up video a little bit. That is weird. It's also weird that... It sounds like the Mormon church had some sort of PR outreach that... Yeah, oh, yeah. Why were they on the pulse of what was happening

with the Mormon church in 1850? It must have been sort of this radical new thing. Because it doesn't sound negative. It just sounds like here's the stats for the Mormons. Yeah, it doesn't sound negative. And they're certainly going to the bullpen of full whites. They're like Sweden, Switzerland, that'll... Yeah.

That's what we're after. They're full-witing. Yeah. Why, I mean, was it most of it full white then? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I don't think. It was an integrated. It came in brown eyes.

And whatever Mexicans were coming up for Mexico. Unlike the Mormon church now. Yeah, the Mormon church now is very open. Yeah. They pretend to be open. I love that. Yeah. Here's one blunt but true.

There's said to be a young man in the Missouri penitentiary whose parents at their death left him a fortune of $50,000. Did they give him a drive? There is where... Just one of those big charity checks. Come find it. There is where his parents made a mistake. If they had taken the precaution to invest that sum

in a small dog and shot him. And... Sorry, wait, yeah. Dave, you can't even hold it together. What's the advice here? If they did... I always invest a little and kill a dog. And that's the nest egg.

If they had taken the precaution to invest that sum in a small dog and shot him. And then had simply left the young man, Jack Pleas or Woodsaw. What the fuck is that? Jack Plain or Woodsaw? Yeah. With printed instruction.

Yeah, that's what they're saying. They're saying it would have been better to... They could have just given the money to a dog and killed it. It's the same thing as giving the money to a guy who's already in prison, I think. No, no. I think the idea was that if he didn't have the money, he wouldn't have fucked up his life

and ended up in prison. And he would have learned to trade. And God knows that's true. I know plenty of people whose parents they should have just bought a dog and killed it. And not let the kids live. Yeah. You know, there's many comics we know that come from money.

And we would have been better off if their parents had just killed the dog. That's a great explanation of what's wrong with what's wrong with trust fund kids. That's pretty good advice. I don't know, it was a little... And I do feel... Yeah.

I think we're all... I pushed back a little on the dog killing. Yeah, why are we killing the dog? Yeah, the dog I feel like can live and we can also learn some lessons about nepotism. But the dog can live. There's no need to bring the dog. Like, well, we should have just killed the dog instead.

We could have just bought a plot of land and given it away. I think that's a shot at the kid, you know what I mean? And a shot at the parents. I guess, you know what I mean? Like, you could do something as heinous as just shoot a dog for $50,000 than whatever you did to this kid. For $50,000.

How did... You're buying a show dog at that point. Is that what they said? Buy a dog for $50,000 and shoot it or... I think so. Yeah, it said, if they had taken the precaution to invest that sum in a small dog and shot him... Yeah.

So they're saying... Yeah. Major toy poodle... Yeah, they're saying a very expensive dog. Blue ribbon. Yeah. Like the best dog out there. Like the people are like,

this dog, by the way, it does back and they're going, oh, great, that's great. Yeah. Well, here you go. Here's $50,000. Jesus, even... What was that? What would that be in today's dollars?

That'd be like a $1.5 million dog, huh? Yeah, that's a very expensive dog. That's a very expensive dog. How much your dogs cost, Dave? About $50,000. About $50,000. Wow. He's just waiting to teach his son the lesson.

Well, I'm going to kill these dogs in front of my kid when he turns 18. Yeah, he's waiting for the full attachment. You love him more than anything? Yeah. And then you say, yeah, there's no money, kid. Kill the dogs in front of him and give him good luck. So what do you want to do for a living?

What about the dogs? What are you going to do for work, boy? Yeah, it's $1.4 million today. Oh, no, it isn't. Gracie. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's $1.4 million. That's a nice dog.

I grew up with show dogs. Yeah, that is. That's a good dog. Yeah. You did? Did you really? I did, yeah. Old English sheep dog.

What type? Old English sheep dogs. I had no idea. My entire childhood was covered in hair and cleaning up shit. Yeah, my dad went through a period. How has this never come up? I don't know.

He went through some. A show dog period? Yeah, my dad went through a show dog. Your dad has gone through so many different periods. Yeah, he's not. I think you might have three dads. Yeah, the show dog period was exciting. We had one champion, one that was supposed to be a champion,

but had something wrong with it, snout. And then another one. Wow. Cheerio Lord Raglan was the name of the show dog. Wow. I mean, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. The dog shows.

Come on. Yeah. Cheerio. Holy shit. Yeah. I can't imagine you at a dog show. That's a $2 million dog. Oh my God.

This is remarkable stuff. No, it wasn't. It was. So, do you think you ever went to Greg Barron's dog show? No, what was that? His family owned the San Francisco dog show. No, we were small time. We were sort of like,

we were on the independent circuit, you know? No, it was probably real dog shows. You're just trying to get this dog to get enough points to be a champion. And, you know, he did, he became a champion. Cheerio Lord Raglan is- What does that mean? It's the name of the breeder.

Well, it means you get these well bred dogs and then you trot them around in a ring with other dogs and you win. Oh yeah, it's that stuff, right. Yeah, and you get a certain amount of points and then you got a champion. Westminster dog show stuff. Yeah, but small, they happen everywhere.

And then you have a champion and you have the breed from the breeder. And then you can sort of go made it with some other champion which we did and we got a fucked up dog. Someone lied about the genetics of the other dog. But- So, your Cheerio dog just threw one in some like, so-so dog and then you got the weird snout.

Yeah, exactly. Some half breed that gave us Samantha or a- I think- Some con dog. Yeah, yeah, a grift breed. So, there's like the Westminster dog show but you were in, you guys were like in the Albuquerque Mall in front of Sears dog show.

Well, I don't know where they happened, but it was regional. You know, I don't know what the structure of dog shows are, but there were definitely dog show people. And at some point I knew all the breeds and you kind of wander around and you can see all these weird dog show people. And there was my dad trotting around with the hairy thing.

Pee! The dog's in Cheerio. There's a lot to love about it. Rags, we called him rags. Rags. I mean, this is very, this is all very unexpected. Now, Dave, the question is, can your paper beat this? Yeah.

No, I don't think so. Here's a story out of Panama. A Panama dispatch gives particulars of an attempt recently made to assassinate President Barrios of Guatemala by Felix Pajes, a fanatical priest. The president was dining. The priest entered, drew a revolver and fired.

The first shot missed. The president then closed with him and during the struggle, a servant entered and shot the would be assassin dead. Well, this just happened in LA with the Archbishop. Didn't, didn't, uh- Was that what, did that really happen? Did someone try to, oh, someone killed him, right?

Yeah, someone killed a high- Did he pull first though? That's- Yeah, was it in the street? If the priest or the bishop is pulling the gun for, yeah, I'm like, I'd be like, I'll see you in church on Sunday, I like this guy's style. That's so weird that that's the only story.

That is like quick bait because that's the end of the story. We don't know the details of the politics or anything. Nope, just at the, just at the priest was fanatical. They're like, this guy obviously. Oh, so right. It's been a lunatic. Wow, so- It's been a lose cannon.

This, this is where- And then they shot. It was always quick bait, but there was just no story to follow up on. Not just, there's just a sort of like, oh. You know, it's like, it's like those ones where you'll click on it and then it'll be like,

you gotta keep clicking on like a slide to go to the next one to get, and then you just abandon it eventually. So it's like that without, yeah, the dead ending. You go back to the dog shooting story. Yeah, right. Yeah. Senator Morton died on the first at his home in Indianapolis.

He was the governor of Indiana in 1860 and then reelected in 1864 and 1867 was elected to the U.S. Senate and reelected in 1873. His last words were, I am dying. I am worn out. Oh my God. Those are gonna be your last words, Dave. Close to it.

Well, my last words are gonna be like, just please, oh God, please let it come, come now. I'm so tired. Your last words are gonna be, I am dying. I've, I've worn you all out. That's a crazy one. He's gonna bring his wife in closely and whisper, I just sent you a link.

God damn it, Dave. I am dying. I am worn out. I like that. Yeah, when you're tired, I think, although Belzer's apparently Belzer's last words. Fuck you, motherfucker. Fuck you, motherfucker.

Oh, so good. Is that right? Yes, that's what it's supposed to said. I like the idea of it. You do? Yeah, it's a little, it's pretty on the nose, but it's pretty great. You're able to muster last words.

It really is, I mean, you really could think about that a little and have an amazing moment. I think I did a joke where I said, I'm dying, I really like a lot. Yeah, I did a joke where I said, I want my last words to be, wait, what? Yeah.

Don't have the salmon. Where's my wallet? I know where my retainer is. That's a good one. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from The Dollar Podcast, the show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you

to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis.

March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City.

March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington.

Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular standup at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

Then May 18th, I'll be at Standup Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information and join me.

Be part of the Garmie. Everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. Mystery of a corpse. Okay. On the third day, this is from out of the Cincinnati Gazette. On the third day of our county fair, the dead body of a young man, a stranger,

was found in the road near Hillsborough. All right? That's it? An inquest was held, no, there's more. An inquest was held, but there being nothing about his person by which he could be identified. He was buried by the authorities and a pistol razor for Franklin County Democratic Tickets,

a prescription signed by an Illinois physician and a pocketbook containing 380 in money, which was deposited by a judge. But then you could identify him if he has a prescription. Not back then, I think. You know, you think it's just, it says you can get heroin, that's like all it says. No, I don't think he went to the pharmacist and said,

my doctor said that, you know, I think he just walked in without a finger. And they're like, oh, Jesus, you need morphine? There you go. Take some of this. Now, what's your name and your insurance number, sir? We just gotta get this right. I gotta take care of this.

A day or two afterward, a gentleman from near Williamsburg seeing the account of the suicide in the papers became convinced that it was his brother-in-law, Moses Henderson, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. This is the same guy? So the dead, yeah, same story. Dead guy dies, no one knows who he is,

and then some guy reads about it and goes, that's my brother-in-law. So the body was disinterred, so they dig it up. And the guy said, no, that's not him. We actually found mine. Actually, I know where he is. He's not dead. Can we dig up another one of these? Can we dig up a couple more?

That guy does that in every town. Bring him up. Nope. Nope. He was pronounced by the gentleman to be his relative. It was then taken up and reinterred in Laurel Graveyard in Claremont County as the remains of the missing man. Moses Henderson, however, was not to be disposed in that way,

for to the other consternation of his relatives and friends, he appeared a few days later, among them in the flesh. Wait, so he goes there, he's like, that's my brother. Then they bury him, and then the brother's like, man, did I have a weekend. Oh, shit. Moses. I just dug myself out of a hole in his body.

Woo, buddy. Let me tell you this, I'm married with a child now. What have you been up to? Well, we just, we buried you. But what do you think the rest of the family is like? They're not often the same town. This is just a list of. No, sometimes the paper will take an interesting thing

from another paper, that happens a lot. But with no organization in any way, they're not like international news. They're just like, Mormons are getting Swedes. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I just love the guy, this guy was like, yeah, that's my brother-in-law. And then he walks in and everyone's like,

couldn't you fucking tell it was him when you dug him up? Like the whole family's like, you fucking idiot. I don't know, there was something wrong with the face. I thought it was him. There was something wrong with the face. Well, nobody told me they get all mushy five days later. He was very, his head was very mushy.

So the question of whose corpse it was, they had given, it became more serious. Then it became more serious than pleasant. Yes, the journey of the corpse in and of itself is the story, you know, the guys, they bury it, it's identified, it's not the guy, they got to take him out of that graveyard. What happened to that guy?

They put him back on the street where they found him. Let's just see how this plays out. I don't know, let's just leave it here. Something's gotta happen. It is thought now, however, that the mystery has been solved. On last Sabbath, Mr. Moorhead of Shadeville arrived here having also read reports. I wouldn't trust anyone from Shadeville.

Yes, that's mine. Read reports of the case in the Gazette. His half-brother, Thomas Ramsey, left home on Wednesday before the body was found and his actions at the time gave rise to some uneasiness in his friends. Mr. Moorhead gave a correct description of the articles found on the body before they were shown to him and identified the revolver and razor

at once as his brother's property and started immediately to where the body was buried intending again to have it disinterred. So he, now he's going to dig it up. This guy's gonna go dig it up a third time. Of course. Yeah, yeah, I mean, if there is an afterlife, like he's just getting yanked out of heaven over and over

again, cause they're like, sorry, someone else thinks they know you. Yeah, yeah, someone else thinks they know you. And also how much stuff could one person have? I bet you back then you were just like, he had pills, a pen, a razor, a mirror, and a notebook. And they're like, well, it's gotta be this guy. I mean, he's nailed it to a tee.

There were like eight objects you could have at that time. Yeah, yeah, no one carries a notebook. That's gotta be. Well, he done, a notebook. Here's your brother, sir. Here's the comic. He had a bunch of premises that went nowhere, no endings. That's the guy.

Hey, I know that guy. Yeah, I know him. We said this issue of the free press to a number of persons who are not subscribers, hoping that upon examination, they will like it so well as to favor us with their subscriptions, but they need to have no fear that it will be continued unless ordered and paid for.

I don't understand what's happening. We never try to force our paper on it. They're giving papers to people, hoping they'll subscribe, but then saying they don't force their paper on anybody. Right, okay. So that's an advertisement for the paper? I think they're explaining. I think when people get the paper,

they're explaining like you don't have to pay for it. We're not gonna ask you for money. Yeah. We're doing this hoping you'll. It's a bad business model. Because people are probably getting mad like, I'm not paying for this. Yeah, three stories.

One about a guy who gets buried three times. Shit paper. Yeah. Grant has been cordially welcomed, I assume, President Grant. Grant has been cordially welcomed by McMahon, the miserable abortion who, Jesus Christ. Wow, hello.

Not to do inside baseball, but Angel Factory, right? Is that the? Yeah. This is when, so a lot of these papers are just straight up like one party, like Wig or Devilpant or Publicant. And so they just, like you reading it, you're like, well, yeah, I'm on the team.

So it's like Fox News. So they're gonna call whoever, just a piece of shit, yeah. It's also crazy, I always find that strange of like back then, it is surprising to me, they called it abortion. I would feel like there would be a weirder name for it back then.

Well, what do you mean? Is there a general definition for abortion that has nothing to do with fetuses? I'd imagine. Yeah, right. It's when you abort something. But I think if you're calling a person a miserable abortion, then you're probably saying.

I think you're right, Dave, for sure. Yeah, I think you're right. I'm just curious now about the definition of abortion. Yeah, sure. Grant has been cordially welcomed by McMahon, the miserable abortion who accidentally presides over the French Republic. Oh, wow.

This is eminently fitting. Perhaps two more congenial spirits have never met than those two wooden-headed, callous-hearted natural despots. Okay, so he does not like Grant, either. Neither has an idea. Yeah, the writer. Yeah, neither has an idea of government

beyond brute force and personal self-interest. Each is totally unfit to administer civil government in a free country. The appropriate sphere of each is in some contest of brute force, like that which is going on between Russia and Turkey. So this is like if I was tweeting in 1877. Yeah.

Yeah, abortion early, hook him with the abortion early, and then start getting into your European politics. And then get way into the weeds so only three people are like, yeah, Dave, and everyone else is like, what the fuck is wrong with him? Yeah. Well, then people who were reading the paper are like, how did I get blocked from reading this paper?

Yeah. How did he block me? And by the way, the abortion definition is number one definition, deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. Okay. Oh shit, okay, well there you go. It's pretty.

It felt like it was that, but it's good to know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Okay. If the poor fellows who are so persistently practicing roller skating

had ever enjoyed or seen the real thing, they surely would not engage in so awful a burlesque upon it. Wow. So this is anti. No, there's someone upset that that, that roller skating is being destroyed and bastardized by kids who just buy skates. If you'd seen a professional, you wouldn't even bother.

You don't even know where the break is. It's up front you dummies. Wow. It's amazing that anyone took roller skating seriously. That is an oxymoronic like for it. You need to be more serious. Look at your smiling. Are you having fun?

Well, you shouldn't be. Those are serious skates. The idea. You're carrying lady liberty on your back, you fools. Yeah. By the way, why don't the Marshall arrest these offenders and take them before the mayor? The person, this is, come on now.

Yeah. Yeah, he wants the roller skaters arrested. Yeah. Absolutely. Could you imagine that being a threat? Roller skaters. What a time. What a time.

When this was in the paper, like, look, I'll tell you what I'm worried about. All these roller skaters. They clearly violate the ordinances, which forbid the making of unusual and disagreeable noises to the disturbances of the community. Wow. I bet they were loud, right?

Because they're probably metal. I bet they're super loud. How loud could fucking roller skates be? Sure, but yeah, they can't be. I mean, you know what? It must have been on slatted walks or something. Because I can't, the roads were in paved, right? So it's gotta be.

No, it was all boards. Right. Yeah, it was boards. Yeah, yeah, that's right. They're on the boards. Yeah. But what a nightmare to be roller skating in that. Sure.

Like just janky streets. They should be rewarded for their bravery as opposed to criticized for making noise. I agree. It feels, this is kind of like the beginning of Footloose, but if it were roller skating. It's a little like, you kids, you having fun out there? Yeah?

How are your devil wheels? Man, say that louder, we'll have a movie in two years. Someone will make that. Yeah. Well, here's an interesting one. Here's a fact one about how the Russian peasant lives. Oh. This is gonna be, this is gonna be good.

This is gonna be my family. The house of? Origins. Oh, were you? Yeah, you have the Russian Jews who escaped from the pogroms. Is that you? Well, they were in the Pala settlement.

So I think they were safe from the pogroms for a while, but not the ones in Ukraine. I'm not sure how it worked, but I just know that I come from Ashkenazi Taylor in Belarus. Wow. Yeah, way back. Around this time that we're talking about.

Oh boy, this might get a little. Well, this is then using your people that we're about to read about. Yeah, I'm excited to hear. The houses of Russian? It'd be just like finding your roots, which I did, a little more detail. The houses of Russian peasantry are built of logs

and are thoroughly filthy. Yeah. There we go. Jews in general, I think, and this is what we're talking about. Well, Dave can't say it, but thank you, Mark. What if we found out Dave wasn't even reading for this one? He just, this one's handwritten.

So that no civilized person would eat or sleep in them if he wished, a fresh egg was the only thing that seemed uncontaminated. Oh my God. Wow, these people were just shitting all over everything. What was happening? Yeah.

What's that pretty much? They're little log cabins filled with shit. There's this one egg on a pillow. Leave B, be careful. He's chosen one. The peasant dwells with his horses and cattle under the same roof. I like that personally, but okay.

Yeah, he above and they below, so that the odor of the stable and every other imaginable vile smell permeates the whole interior. Right, sure. It's not a great picture so far. No, it's a hard situation. Being an owner of three cats, I understand.

This smell gets bad. I was just gonna say that I have a cat and I remember when my landlord came in once and he was like, yeah, we'll have to like, cause I was moving out and he's like, we'll have to obviously get the smell of cat and litter out of here. And I was like, I don't, what are you talking about?

Yeah, always. It's like cigarettes. Or you're just like, I don't, I smell. Yeah, people walk into your house and they're like, what the fuck is that? I'm like, what are you talking about? Oh, I made some coffee. Is that what you're smelling?

It's like sandy urine that's stale. Did a cat shit on this house? Do you think it's this active restroom I have in my living space? This unemptied latrine? No one accustomed to that way of living cannot stay within doors, much less eat their food. Their household furniture is of the most primitive kind.

So also they're farming implements. Indeed, everything makes you feel that you are carried back to the dark ages. So people live in villages. 70 being like, boy, look, look who's living in the dark ages, guys. This was a progressive newspaper. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think this is about as progressive as you get. Yeah, people reading this is like, why are you being so easy on them? Look at this slanted review. The people live in villages altogether, each family having land apportioned to them according to their numbers by the village commune or assembly, which also decides as to the rotation

of crops and the times of gathering them. So the authorities are telling them how to live. So not only do they live in squalor, but they have no freedom. No freedom and they have to farm the land for other people. That's a common story. What, yeah, what a horrible thing. Some of the country through which we passed

seems quite fertile, but the greater part has a barren appearance. Often whole sections would be continued wilderness with a sandier or corduroy road. Forcibly. Corduroy road. And birch stretching on either hand. Who the fuck is it?

How was someone from Texas, you know, judging barrenness? Yeah. Seriously. I mean, man. You're not doing much with it, are you? It's like, have you been to the state? What are your plans? Texas is still like that.

Have you driven to Texas lately? We were just sort of strained dead towns. Yeah, you'll be like, okay, and then we're making pretty good time. And then you hit Texas, you're like, we're never getting home. We're not making good time. It's not possible.

You can never even get out of Texas. Yeah. It's the only place where there's still like dead zones and people are like, you should have gasped up a while ago. Yeah. There's pretty little. They're used to those being available. There's dead zones on airplanes.

When you fly in an airplane and you use the Wi-Fi, you fly over Texas and it craps out for like half an hour. That's amazing. I've noticed that. Yeah, that's crazy. That's amazing. This is just a little blur. When a girl begins to take an interest

in the arrangement of a young man's necktie, it is an infallible sign of something more serious than sisterly regard. Wow. Is that about someone fucking their brother? No! No, it isn't. No, no.

Okay, it just means they're no longer being like, they're not like, they're doing it because they're looking to fuck. Right, it's not casual. Yeah, they're looking to fuck. It means that, no, they're saying they're not acting like your sister anymore. They're looking for something.

It's a signal. Oh, I see. They're like, Jesus Christ, get it together, you fucking slob. Yeah. I love you. Yeah, now. Let's get you out of this thing.

Oh, there's the other way to go, yeah. Yeah. It has been proposed by representatives, by representative Hewitt in an amendment to the appropriation bill that the commissioner general to the Paris Exposition be directed to put an American kitchen at which the various methods of cooking Indian corn

shall be exhibited and the products thereof distributed with recipes in different languages. For corn? So. So we're gonna show people in France how to cook corn but we're gonna do it in an American kitchen. Yeah. And the word is Indian corn.

Yeah, because France isn't known for their cuisine. We'd like to, we wanna show them what to do with a cast iron skillet and a fucking corn cob. We have an amazing menu planned for you. Move over, dumb shit. Now you put the corn in here, get it buttery and then you put a fork in the end and rotate. But we had the many geese killed for the event.

No, no, no. You guys don't get it. You don't get it. You guys are dumb. Listen, let me show you how it's done. This here is called graving. Oh, this is just a blurb. An exchange says that disordered liver troubles

some newspaper men in Texas very much. So this is a guy, this is a guy, he's just saying people in other, editors in other part of Texas drink too much. Right. It's what he's saying. He's throwing liver shade. Yeah, he's throwing liver shade.

Liver shade. He's calling another, he's calling another. Editor's drugs. Yeah, all right. That'd be funny thing for an alcoholic to be, say he was triggered by liver shaming. Yeah, my people have been, I don't know, I guess,

my people have been through too much as it is. How did the statement go? I gotta take this shit from my whole family and you guys are gonna start. We are people too. What's up everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from the Dala podcast, the show you're about to listen to.

Listen, I would love to invite you to see some standup comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth army or the Garmy as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis.

March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday.

Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington, come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information and join me, be part of the Garmy.

Everyone's calling it that, quit pushing back. Architecture of Birds. Whoa, what? Dr. Thomas Brewer will contribute four exquisitely illustrated articles on bird's nests, which every lover of nature will delight in. Dr. Brewer probably has the finest collection of bird's eggs in the world to draw upon

for the illustration. That sounds interesting. I have two birds' nests I pulled down from my roof and they are kind of amazing that they pull it off. You ever seen a hummingbird? Yeah, yeah, it's fucking crazy. I haven't, what is it like? Well, they're just so tiny, but you just don't assume

that these birds are doing the work and they build it in a circle and some of the, they really held together well. Like I had to spray these things down with a hose. They weren't in use, but they're locked in up there. It's fucking nuts. Right. And birds are fucking dinosaurs.

We just see the nectar party. We don't know that behind the scenes, they're like, here we go, perfect. Yeah, cute little tight nest that a hummingbird will make. Yeah, right. Yeah. And then just some asshole hosing it down. Some guy, some poor bird took fucking weeks

to put that down. It's amazing the quality of these things. I did not do that to the hummingbird's nest and the nest that I got rid of were long abandoned. There was a note, we're out of here. Well, it was right over where I walked into my house, dude. And it's just the birds were shitting all over the front stoop.

Yeah, it's also, it's bad to have bird's nest because that's actually how you can get bed bugs. Is that true? Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, birds have all kinds of little... Send me the link. ...triggers that didn't join them. Yeah, Dave, will you link us?

Everything I say is posted on Twitter now, so that was just posted on Twitter. Dave is Twitter. Too many vacant houses to look healthy in a business point of view, something quite unusual this season of the year. Everyone left town. They left, they just left.

Is that what he's saying? Everyone just took off and it's weird? I guess. I mean, something happened that they're not telling us about. He's saying that the vacant houses look good, but something's unusual. So some weirdos just walking into all these houses? That was another good one.

I can see myself in here. What happened to the people? Yeah, this guy just killed 100 people. He's like, well, a lot of empty cribs. Anyone else noticing that? I don't know what's going on. Ben Reynolds, a semi-idiotic youth. Oh, that's great.

Wow. Can we use that? This is pretty common. Bring that back. I don't think there's a problem with that. You're a semi-idiot. Stop, start. Yeah, yeah.

It's somehow more offensive than calling someone an abortion. You're a semi-idiot. You're a half a dummy. I love it. That's hurtful. Ben Reynolds, a semi-idiotic youth, left home about a week since, and we believe he has not been heard from since.

His parents need his services and are in great distress about him. Can you imagine a missing child starting with like semi-idiot? Anyway, we can't find him. But the other thing is like they need him for work. Yeah, they don't care. His kids gotta be around the house.

No one's fed the hogs in two days. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You lost a son? He was a semi-idiotic one. You should see the pile of dishes. This kid's an idiot, basically. Yeah, and we're not going to do him. We're not, yeah.

Before we start wasting our time washing things, we'd like to try to locate him for the work. No, we're full idiots. We were really banking on the semi-idiot to get us out of this trouble. He's the leader. He was our only hope. He's a golden child.

He's a semi-idiot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He's got a full idiot brother. He's sitting here doing nothing too. He needs a kid back. Yeah, well, his brother's dead. He ate his own arm. But we don't want to talk about him.

We saw that coming. We're looking for the half-wit. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, this is the greatest thing about this story. There's a PS at the end. Oh. PS at the end of the story. Which you usually don't find in newspapers.

A PS is not something that is. No. PS has returned in a dilapidated condition. Don't know where he has been. Wow, what the fuck? Why even put it in the paper? Well, you could, that's the lead. Like the kid went away and came back.

Not, oh yeah, by the way. Yeah, these aren't the stone tablets. But they hadn't got, I guess they hadn't gone to print yet. And they're like, well, let's not, we don't need to take all the letters off of the press. Let's just add this. Yeah, the guy like laid it out. He's like, well, I had it all really nicely laid out already.

It's just, aesthetically, it's going to screw me. Can we just put an addendum? Yeah, let's just add it. That kid had been buried three times. We can't get into it, but. That's why he's a semi-idiot. They're like, this guy came back again. How many times are you going to bury this guy?

Couldn't leave the dog. Yesterday, a poverty stricken family consisting of a man, wife, and three children applied at the office of Mayor Moore for passage to Jackson County, Indiana. They had footed it from North Carolina. All were in tatters from head to foot. When the chief of the family walked into the office,

the mud squashed between his bare toes. But this, this means that there's mud on the ground in the office. Must be. Yeah, or maybe he's tracking, I don't know. It sounds more like a muddy office, for sure. Yeah, wait, so, did I miss something? So a group of people were barefoot full of mud,

walked into an office in Jackson County, Indiana. A family, no, a family had, a family walked from North Carolina. Oh, Jesus. And I think, to Indiana. To Jackson. Barefoot? Yeah, they walked from North Carolina.

No, they want passage to Jackson. So they must have walked to, to this town. They must have walked to San Marcos. Oh. I don't think they understand geography at all. No. Well, wherever they walked, it's not saying where they walked, anyway.

But that's the story that muddy feet, not that like, holy shit, they walked 700 miles. Again, yeah, there's a lot more. Mud-footed group ruins office. Where were they coming from, six states away? Anyway, they were tracking it in. So a good deal of sympathy was manifested over the hard lot of unfortunates.

Oh, okay. And Clerk de Bec, Clerk de Bec proceeded with Alacarity, I don't know what that is. Alacrity? Alacrity, sorry, yeah. It's not Alacrity, it's not Alacrity. It's not Alacrity. It's not Alacrity.

It's not Alacrity. It's not Alacrity. It's not Alacrity. Alacrity, sorry, yeah, it must be Alacrity. I still don't know what it means. That's how you say it. I don't know what Alacrity is. I don't know what Alacrity is.

I don't know what Alacrity is. I'll look it up, I'll look it up. I'm in the A's after abortion. That's good, you're right there. That's good. That's lucky. Brisk and cheerful readiness. Oh, okay.

So, Clerk de Bec proceeded with Alacrity to fix them out with railroad passes. Thank you, said the stranger. God bless you for your kindness. But how about the dog? That's the tag? Oh, a dog? No.

Oh, a dog, exclaimed Mr. de Bec. Have you a dog in the party? And then he proceeded to explain that it would be impossible to grant a pass for the dog as they wouldn't admit him aboard the train and advise that the dog be left behind. The muddy dog. This is the beginning.

This is the beginning of a movie where they leave the dog behind and the dog follows them in five days. The train. Yeah. Yeah. The stranger called up from the midst of the waiting family, a gaunt, sore-footed hound.

He hesitated a while and then went over and held a consultation with his wife. And he came back to the counter and remarked, I guess we will walk in the sorry party, including the dog. This is the most story of all the stories by far, and it is a heart-wrenching tale. It's like homework-bound mud.

It's Cincinnati, because at the end it says it's Cincinnati. So they walked from North Carolina to Cincinnati looking for a train to Indiana. Okay, so I guess we walked through the sorry party, including the dog, took its way out of the building. The incident was quite amusing. No, it's not actually. It's not even slightly amusing.

The dog was probably like, just get on the train. I'm sick of walking. They keep going with you, buddy. It's just the sad mud-footed strangers walking out of town with their horrible mutt. And then this journalist like, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen. What a hilarious little story.

Now they have to walk. Look at these idiots. The incident was quite amusing, while there was something of homely tenderness in it that the faithful fellow who had followed his friend so far was not declared, was not deserted in the hour of temptation. Oh, see, look at that. Well, that's a terrible story.

Is it? Because, yeah, because, I mean, they kept the dog, but just let him get on the fucking train. What's the big deal? With the dog. The trains are filthy anyway. It's not like they can just get on a shit part of the train. It's not like they're getting an appellment cart.

There are people that have zero respect for dogs. It's a very sad story. The amount of dogs that people seem to just shoot and not give a fuck about at any point in history is really disturbing. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just, I think it's nice.

I think this is sweet. Yeah, I think it's nice. I thought someone was going to shoot the dog for sure. I thought the guy that was offering the plane ticket was like, let me help you out. Shoot the fucking train. And all ate the dog. Happy ending.

Yeah. Honorable age Stevens lives in the national hotel in Washington. And despite his desperate physical condition is a cheery invalid. A Washington correspondent says he wears gloves on his hands as small as those of a 10 year old child. That's cute. Cheery. Relish is rich food, though butter and eggs are forbidden him.

He takes an occasional whiff of tobacco. And when in health has two ounces of whiskey or brandy for dinner. After dinner. Sorry. I was like, I like that dinner. So I guess everyone knows who that guy is. The cheerful invalid with tiny hands. Yeah.

This must be a story. This must be a story they've been following for a while. Guess who's back? Look, the man with the tiny hands. Little fists. Yeah. Trying to, trying to fumble up his little liquid, liquid suppers. Yeah.

Can you hold all that little man? Yeah. He was, he was from Georgia in the Senate. Oh, okay. He fought in the Civil War for the South. Oh shit. So maybe like, maybe he doesn't have hands at all. He just has weird, stumpy things with the little gloves on.

Yeah. Yeah. He puts gloves on them. Yeah. Those little holes are. Mickey Mouse hands. Here we go. This is my stump speech.

Stevens was sickly throughout his life. Most painfully from crippling rheumatic arthritis and a pinched nerve in his back. Oh my. I'm glad we got the jokes in before that fact. That's good. He weighed less than a hundred pounds. He what? He weighed less than a hundred pounds.

But still cheerful. I think we got to stay with that. Yeah. Tiny little man pounding liquor. Yeah. Here's the. Here's the lion with arthritis. Huh?

You can't eat butter. Yeah. He can't. Oh my God. I said he couldn't eat butter. He couldn't eat butter? It'll kill me. Haven't you heard?

I might get sick. Oh, yeah. We wouldn't want that now, would we? This is when there's one. This is the lying part of Wikipedia. Almost all his former slaves continue to work for him. Also for little or no money. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah. You know how it works. It just turned into an internship. There's that. I love being a slave. Yeah. The slaves are the guy with the gnarled little hands?

Yes. Yeah. They were like, we love what we've got over here with this tiny little balloon man. He lets us do anything. Yeah, because he can't defend himself. We got the run of the place. We buried him. We just weakened to birdie him once a week when a family member comes around to check.

Senator Blaine's daughter Alice, aged 18, while playfully handling a loaded revolver a few days ago, was accidentally shot, the ball striking between her eyes and passing upward. The wound was not considered fatal, but came very close to being so. Wow. So she got shot between the eyes. She shot herself between the eyes. Yeah, and she's okay. Well, it doesn't say that.

It just says she didn't die. Yeah, okay. There's a lot of space in there. I'm banking on she's not okay. Dave revealed he believes she's never better. She's got that ball in the brain. She's doing great. Doesn't talk much.

Says a lot of weird stuff. Doesn't talk too much. A lot of song. A lot of song. A lot of sort of guttural songs. How are you doing, honey? Yeah. Yeah.

She's doing great. Yeah. Married women in Illinois hold their own property separately and engage independently in any vocation they please. Wow. It made the paper. The nerve. The paper.

The nerve. I like the tone of that. How could this be happening? How fucked up is the north? Yeah. Yeah. That's really crazy. Wesley Geyer, a suspected horse thief and bad man generally.

I love that they just... I like the order. No, it's a bad person. This is a bad person. Yeah. I like that. We need more of that now. Yeah, we do.

Yeah. He was warned by his neighbors at Greenville Dark County, Ohio, to leave the town. And failing to do so, he was called from his house on the night of the 24th by a party of masked men and riddled with bullets. Oh, well, that's how they got him out. That's interesting. When they... When everyone tells you to leave town, it's probably a time when you leave town.

Like, this is now 1877. You leave town. You know what's coming. You know it's coming, you know. The guys with the calico masks and guns, yeah. You know it's coming, stupid. I thought... Well, even though he was riddled with bullets, Dr. Dave Anthony declared him to be, quote,

never better. But said he lives, so he's fine. He's doing great. He can't drink water without being a cartoon, but other than that, he's fantastic. He had been living there for 20 years and was a property owner and had a wife and seven children. Really? Yeah, that's sad.

He really hated them. He must have been a bad asshole. He must have been quite... For the town to go, I think we got to kill Jeff, like, you're a bad, you're a bad guy. I wonder if his wife and kids got in on the action. Finally. Give me a gun. They were in the mask.

Shooting him for behind. Yeah, it was his family in the mask, exactly. Yeah, that's why they were in the mask. He got seven tiny ones there. What are they doing? Who are you, little men? What are you, senators? Yeah.

Did you say dad? No. No, Papa, I didn't. A man whose manner did not indicate insanity ordered a steak in a Sacramento restaurant. That happens all the time. This is so far a non-story. Yeah, exactly. It's so far.

A non-insane man had a steak. That's the whole story. He deliberately cut off a piece of the meat four inches by two in size and tried to swallow it whole. It stuck in his throat and choked him to death. Jesus Christ, what is this? That's the story. Yeah.

Well, it's good to know that he wasn't, he didn't have mental problems. You know, it was good that he did that in earnest. Like, I can, I'm going to get this down. He was like, look, I got an idea. I think this is going to work. I'm going to hack chewing. There's going to be a way to get around that awful process of chewing. We got to be able to do this.

Those are also great last words. This is going to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn it on. Yeah. Hey, watch me snake this down. John, are you sure? When do we step in?

Yeah. That's a big piece of meat. You would think somebody could have just reached in his fucking mouth and pulled it out. He just watched a guy choke to death. Yeah. Yeah, they all just stood around like, wow, he's dying from that. No, because they were trying and he was like, I got this. Yeah.

Don't ruin my dream. Well, he made the paper. Well, they clearly got it out and measured it. It was pretty precise. Like, look at this asshole. Yeah. Get the ruler. Four by two.

No one can do four by two. What a lunatic. This man is not insane. He's just trying to do something no one had ever done before. He's ambitious with beef. Yes. This is America. We reward dreamers.

It is said in an article in Harper's monthly by a writer who has lived for 10 years in Alaska that the land there is worthless and the seal fisheries likely soon to be exhausted. There are, according to this authority, only 100 white persons in the country. Wow. So that's their version of a nightmare. Right. Not enough white people and no more seals. Is that the seal industry?

Is that what they're talking about? Seal fisheries, so that's what they must mean. These fucking people on these coasts were just killing whales and seals by the hundreds. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable how many, like, it just, the other thing was beavers. It was like a beaver holocaust. Oh, my God. I know.

Crazy. Yeah. At the end of the day, you're like, we need more white people. You know what's crazy about this situation? The beaver murder, not enough whites. Yeah. Are there still beavers? Are there still beavers?

Yeah, yeah. There are actually, they keep trying to reintroduce into places because it turns out they're really, really good for how everything works. If you can imagine an animal. And they just used them for oil, I think, in the fur, right? Oh, no, the fur, it was the fur and then the Chinese used the oil. I only know this because I just watched a Kelly Reichart movie, that first cow, and they were talking about the beaver industry.

Oh. Dave did a episode of the dollop about penguin oil that just is a scarring, scarring, scarring tale. A million, like, you can't even believe what they, like, it's just insane. Just like, yeah. Like, just mind-boggling. It's so fucking awful. Yeah.

All right, let's pick it up. Let's turn it around. We fix it all. Everything's going good now. All right. Hey, guys, we just got the ratings. We're dipping. We're dipping again.

Come on. Come on. It's getting sad. It's getting a little dark over here, boys. Let's make fun of some 1800s pain. Hey, you got any more small-handed weirdos, Dave? Come on. Anyone try to eat a burger without biting?

Let's move. An ingenious use of carrier pigeons is on record. They were employed in Belgium to smuggle tobacco into France. Each bird carried from 10 to 15 grams of the weed, and two dozen pigeons per day were regularly dispatched. Wow. Right. How long the new industry had been established is not stated, but one day it came to grief.

A bird was too heavily loaded, and he dropped with his burden, exhausted, into the scene. Oh, my God. A police inquiry resulted, and the whole business was exposed. Wow. Wow. Early drug mules were pigeons in France. Sky mules. Yeah.

And the one they got, they were like, look, they could take a lot of fucking tobacco, and then the one was like, Jesus Christ. They were like, the jig's up, Marty. They found the fat bird. We got to close up shop. A bird drops into a river, and that just blows the whole thing. Like people were like, what's with that bird in the river? Or at first they just were like, this bird loves tobacco.

Wait. What's amazing is how, like, thought after tobacco was at some time. It's like spices. When you hear these wars about spices, it's like, how important is vanilla? You know? And it's pretty important. Yeah. Pretty important.

And they have to kill an island full of people, yeah. That happened, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the time. Yeah. It was just about getting the spices. It's crazy.

A lot of it was about preserving some of the spices. That is crazy. Preserved food, so. Yeah. Oh, right. So, last one. Last story. Okay.

All right. While breaking an egg the other day, Miss John Kinney of Alden, Iowa, found within the shell a living snake about four inches long, which lived several days until Miss Kinney threw the little varmint into the fire. Huh. What? Is that it? It was colorless, like the white of the egg from which it came.

An albino snake was in an egg. Yeah. And she hung around for five, four days. Hept it for a couple days. Yeah. And then threw it in the fire. Several days. Yep.

It's probably a worm. That's the story. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, how's it get in the shell? Must have eaten the... Or, no, I think it had to have been a snake egg, right? Oh.

Oh, right. Maybe? Like a snake egg got in with the other egg? Some are. This is like one of those weird story problems. Like we all assumed that it was a chicken egg and it wasn't. Yeah. But they're like, I can't operate on this.

Yeah, but it was a snake egg. Child, I'm his parent. It's a snake egg. That's it. Dave, you figured it out. But then... Dave, wait until you go. How I am...

You don't really get anything. Dave, take the win. Shut the fuck up. You got... You answered it. Shut up. Yeah. Well, that's one of those dumb stories where you like, when you're a kid, they're like,

so how did the snake get in the egg? Yeah, right. Yeah. And you're like, I believe that the snake was after the yolk and then it fell in. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It was a snake's egg.

Oh, that's out of a bitch. God damn it. Of course it was. The snake's lay eggs. Yeah. By the way, if you put in white snake into Google it, the banned white snake comes up. So that's not gonna happen. I was gonna say.

Well, I don't think this story is gonna be the first thing. I think it's gonna be, yeah, tawny contain or something like that. Yeah. Albino snakes. Okay. There's an albino snake. Yeah. Yeah.

And when she threw it into the fire, the snake said, here I go again on my... Well, thanks so much for joining us, Mark. Sure, man. I appreciate it so much. The special... That was a... That was a... It's nice.

It's nice to make fun of dead people. Yeah. It's nice to like read old news and be like, what a bunch of shitheads. And then Dave will send you a bunch of links in five minutes and you'll be like, God damn it. Oh, no. But thank you so much. Like you said, obviously, you have an amazing podcast, WTF, and your special HBO Max from

Bleak to Dark, which is Dynamite, as we said earlier, so... Thank you so much. Thank you so much for joining us. The dollop is brought to you in part by HelloFresh. Yeah. So you get fresh recipes with seasonal pre-measured ingredients, step-by-step instructions. I already know this. Because it's delivered right to your door, so guys like you don't have to go anywhere.

This is the opposite of the podcast. I don't need you to explain to me what HelloFresh is. I'll explain to you what HelloFresh is. How about that? They come to your door, the meal. My mother couldn't believe how easy it was to make the food. Let me tell you about the recipes because you clearly don't know what's going on. They have 35 weekly recipes that you can choose from.

There's always something new in there that you haven't had. I'll be honest. I didn't know. Is that many? So there you go. What did you and your mommy cook last? We had a ricotta flatbread and then a veggie shepherd's pie. So me and your mom, we made balsamic tomato and herb chicken over a little bit of spaghetti.

I don't think you did. And I'll tell you what, your mom loved that. She's pescatarian. Get up to 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hellofresh.ca slash dollop 20 with code dollop 20. That's 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hellofresh.ca slash dollop 20 with code dollop 20. What's up, everybody?

This is Gareth, not Gary from The Dollop Podcast, the show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis.

March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City.

March 24th, and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand-up at the Spokane Comedy Club.

And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut. It's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now.

Go to Gareth Reynolds.com to get tickets and information, and join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that. I'm going to push it back.