The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 16 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

This week Dave Anthony reads an edition of the Buffalo Evening News from 1938 to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Sarah Tiana. Redbubble Merch

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OK, here we go. All right, and three, two, shut up, Dave, action, Garrett. All right, everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week, Sarah Tiana. Hello, Sarah.

Hello. How are you? Welcome back. We were just reminiscing about your first live dollop with us. Dave teed us up nicely comedically, brought you to Meltdown backstage, just all charming, probably offering you a warm blast, something like that. And then out on stage we go, and the subject was,

what was it again? It was hilarious. Oh, that's right. That's the fun light eugenics topic. Eugenics, yeah. Who knew so many vowels could be so heavy? Yeah, yeah. But yes.

Yes. Ah, yeah. This will be much lighter. Let's see. This this show is actually lighter. This show is more. When I tell my mother about this version, she will say very things that are too honest, like,

oh, I might listen to this one. She'll say stuff like that. Or she'll be like, I could have that on, I think. Sarah, you do a lot of things, but we're, but you might. Well, why don't people just follow you at your social media, which is at Sarah Tiana and Sarah has an H in it. And Tiana is T-I-N-A. T-I-A-N-A.

Yeah. Spelling, not a spell. Like a tiara, but with an N. Yeah. That's a good way of doing it. Yeah. She's a huge baseball fan, huge Braves fan. Big time.

So she's had a good run. And I love that the Dodgers didn't win. And the Braves did. That's all that matters to me. You do? Oh, yeah. I hate the Dodgers. I hate the Dodgers.

They're my, they're public enemy number one. I never really minded them until the Astros scandal. And then the way they handed it really made me upset. Right? Yeah. They really, they were like babies. But you're like, you had home-filled advantage. Yeah.

Also, everybody cheats. Sorry. It's baseball. Everybody cheats. Whatever. You lost two games at home. It's not about you. It's about the pictures that got sent down.

Anyway, yes, Braves won. Well, I hate the Dodgers. I'm wearing my dancing shorts and shirt. Oh, yeah, you are. I don't know how it is. I'm a real nothing that comes to baseball. What are you going to do to your son? It turns out to be a Dodgers fan.

Then what happens? I mean, he could just live somewhere else. There's lots of places to live. That's nice because a lot of parents like a lot of parents will will say stuff like, I won't talk to my child or something. But you have, yeah, and then you could you could be neighbors, which I think is kind of sick comics. It's just kind of fun.

It's like everybody's like Raymond. My wife was like, what if what if in turn out to be a conservative? I was like, I guess I could deal with it. She goes, what about a Dodger fan? They go, no, no, I've never I've never wanted him to be a conservative more just to watch your just blood trickle out of your ears every meal better than a Dodger fan. All right.

So Dave, you've got a random newspaper. Sarah, I like to guess what year just for shits and gigs. I've never I've been close maybe once. I'm going to guess I'm going to guess we're going to go in the 20th century. I'm going to guess a 1951. I think you're going to be a spicy little Gordita here, Dave. Sarah, would you like to have a step? Yeah. Oh, I'll go 80s.

Nineteen eighties. Yeah, because it could be 1600s. Oh, yeah, yeah, we've done like paper back then. Yeah, yeah, they did. They shouldn't have, you'll learn on this show. If it's from the 1800s, everything's like a wagon. Like that's the headline. Yeah, I mean, I'm still going to go.

I'll do I'll just say eighties and it could be any. OK, very well. Well, how about that? Gareth is much closer. It is March 1st, 1938. OK. Oh, Buffalo, Buffalo. It is the Buffalo Evening News. OK. OK. Page one. Let's find out if Buffalo is always in a boring shit basket.

They're just throwing dildos at other teams instead of their own. We find out where the dildos throwing started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, eight cops get licking. Oh, mmm, that's so. Wait, eight cops, eight cops. What? Easy, sir. Easy, sir. Easy, sir. Easy, sir. Easy.

Well, we went from dildo to licking. I know. It's very, very difficult transition. I agree. I agree. But I'm guessing that means eight cops got beat up. I'm hoping. I'm hoping it's. And this is the sub pile. The sub headline is Little chap proves pretty good in Coney Island fracas. Little chap. Sebastian Oliver, who was five feet four inches tall and weighs

one hundred and forty five pounds. I'm not going to be disappointed, but I was thinking for a minute he was going to be five and it was really exciting. But he's five four. OK. He is 40 years old now and says he isn't the fighter he used to be. Nevertheless, police say they intend, as soon as he leaves the hospital, to charge him with felonious assault on eight policemen. Wow. Wait, eight. I thought it was seven.

Eight. No, it's eight. Eight cops. Sorry. A licking. OK. You know the song. Seven firemen sucked. I remember a five foot four New York guy. Yeah. Oh, Italian fella. Yeah. Pretty giant for an Italian. Yeah. OK. Oliver, according to police, was being questioned in the back room of the Coney Island police station after being arrested.

Oh, he was in a way game. He did it in a way game. Yeah. What a win. Before the questioning was completed, eight policemen accidentally slipped and fell down a flight of stairs. A glass window was broken and a desk was overturned. The two policemen most seriously injured and Oliver were treated by an ambulance surgeon.

So he fucking went nuts. Wait, they have surgeons on the ambulance. Yeah, that is another. There's a lot. There's a lot of flags on the play just to stay with the sports. There's like a four flagger. So OK. Oh, wait. So so they fell down.

But he's well in quotes. It's a close accident. They fell down a flight of by the way. And this turn in this day and age, this man would be dead without question. And they'd be like, he shot himself. But OK, so so they all they he beat their asses. And then they we fell. Yeah. And then to Sarah's Sarah's point,

there's an ambulance which is meant to just get you to the hospital quickly. But in this case, the ambulance shows up and they're like, we're ready to surgery. We're good to start now. Right. I'm open. Wait, but how did it all start? Like, does it know that's all we know? That's all you know from the article. They covered their body cams.

That's all they gave us. They covered their body cams, unfortunately. So eight cops took a licking. Eight cops. They really just fell down the stairs. One of the tallest of the time. Right. By one guy. One guy. A little tiny guy.

Took on eight cops. Yeah. That's a really good alcohol. That's like like standard Buffalo fight. Like, I'll beat every last one. It's why in Buffalo, gin is like spinach to Popeye. It's just like he was just like, I'll show these cops with a little bit of my gin. And then he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had those big put up your dukes.

They probably were all laughing. And then like, you know, that's the thing, though, little guys, they know how to fight because they've had to fight their whole life. If a little guy wants to fight, it should be kind of scary. I remember watching a friend of mine who used to beat people up. Like, get like in a parking lot, I was like, my friends were like, this guy just this little guy is a little too into fighting. And he just mopped the floor with him. Yeah.

Wasn't there that that the bagel guy? Remember the little tiny short guy in the bagel? But I don't think he ended up being good at fighting. Oh, I couldn't remember. I just remember like he was a really angry guy. You know, he talked. He talked. He talked a good fighter game. But oh, one push.

Yeah. Who we talk? Who's the bagel guy? Bagel. Do you remember bagel guy? He was he he's sexist. He's dropping n words at bodega. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a buy an early viral video, just like this little five foot tall guy in a bagel shop who is super angry. You don't remember him? No.

He ended. He definitely ended up doing one of those celebrity boxing things that people like bagel guy. He got his ass kicked. Yeah. Like someone like called him like little and he just like went off. Oh, yeah. Or was it bagel boss? No. Is it bagel boss? Do what? Did he own the bagel shop? I think he did because I'm here.

It's bagel bagel boss guy. Bagel boss guy. Here he is. Yeah. He was I don't know. This is him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A little tiny little little tiny guy. Yeah. But that's the thing is like those guys have been made fun of and they got really good at fighting because they probably beat up a lot. And then they learned to fight better,

which is why the cops said they fell down the stairs. And who did the surgeon operate on? The cops doesn't say. So the surgeon was like, two cops, two cops, two of the cops and Oliver. OK, so Oliver else. So they were just like. Take out his company. This is 38. So like everybody had to have amputations if you broke a leg still. Right. There was no cut at all.

Cocaine for anesthetic. You take you take it off in the ambulance. Yeah. Yeah. And then someone's like, what if you got a siren? He's like, that's a pretty good idea. I should take him to the hospital. The super guy's like, can I have two of those half legs? Hey, what are you going to do with those big legs?

Mind if I slip them on like a couple of clogs? Still. Hello. Next story, soccer game halted. Oh, boy. Oh, that sounds like a great boy. I hope that's the headline. I can't believe I sure. Overjoyed. I can't believe I sure the story is for what it is. OK, another story.

Some boys are playing soccer with some sticks, a quiet, loving, complainant today, phoned police. So so someone who enjoys someone who enjoys quiet complained to the police that boys were playing soccer with sticks. That sounds like whoever wrote this article wrote the complaint. They were the person. A little quiet, loving person. Bashing the balls so loud

and they were upsetting everyone who was trying to read. Or write an article, they were upsetting people who had no article to write for their paper deadline. And then all of a sudden it was loud banging and they had something to write about bystanders. Script. Script, script. Officers. Officers found the sticks. Twenty five of them were actually dynamite.

Oh, wait, whoa, that's a good turn. Okie dokie. OK, I can see the complaint. Now I understand the starting to switch sides. The boys said they had found them. OK, bullshit. But also why play soccer like they're kicking around dynamite. This is the thing with it being from 1930. Like there's just so much you can't relate to.

Like they were just like we found dynamite. The cops like, all right, well, let's move on to the thing that's worrying us. Why are you hitting a soccer ball with it? Why are you being so loud? We're not supposed to play soccer with a stick. That's number one. That's that's hockey soccer.

Yes. So. But like I can't. I just like I just feel like who finds dynamite. Like where do you even get in the thirties? It was just laying around everywhere, right? In the thirties, they were like, yeah, this is just how we dig a hole. Like we don't have shovels yet. This is how you open a door with a little dynamite.

Then you're going to have to worry with the knob. Put the right baby dynamite out there. Blow a hole into your own home. Listen, I'm just trying to put in a new oven, and I don't know what to do with the old oven. We're cooking pies with dynamite over here. If anyone's angry. Let's dance now.

Now, where do I pit those 25 sticks of dynamite? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to take out my son's baby teeth with just a tiny bit of dynamite. Baby teeth. I would have lived out houses back then. Like I don't flush. I just put a dynamite in there after the craps out. I don't wipe either.

I just leave the door open and just point my bottom in the direction of the boom. Uncle Lyle, did you blow up the bathroom again? I did say that again. Do not go in there. That's all I say. There was a bomb going off and then some dynamite. Oh, Al, you are harming with your feces. We can't stay mad at you.

Just to cool. No wonder someone was just trying to have a quiet day. I just don't want. I'm a little worried about the kids playing soccer dynamite. Oh, ma'am, we have real crimes. We're trying to get our ass kicked by Bagelboss down at the station. You should buy a file more than a formal complaint. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody's got dynamite. And if children are fighting with dynamite, we should file more than a complaint. There's a soccer ball and then people are like, it's not bad. They're playing soccer. They are dynamite fighting. They are dino fighting. It's also how how is the story that short? Yeah, like that's the whole story.

Where's the anything? No, how did they what happened? Why? How did they get it? Everyone's dead. But I mean, we don't have room. We got to get to this wagon thing wagon. I mean, oh, children finding dynamite just like and then hitting soccer ball. That'll be fun.

What do y'all say? We hit the soccer ball with it. Pretty good idea. Yeah, yeah, we're all dumb. Yeah, pretty good idea. Next story is this is a report from Camden, Camden, New Jersey. Oh, dogs disrupt Camden. Joker opens pound turns pups loose. Joker opens pound. Yeah, the Joker.

Is that what you said, Joker? Yep. Yeah, Joker. So the Joker. OK, Joker opens pound. Uh huh. Camden's Camden Sabbath night calm was ripped like the seat of an old pair of pants when somebody pushed open. Yeah, honestly.

I mean, Buffalo Hemingway over here. I'm telling you. This guy is like just being my dude. Upstate New York, Bonnigut. Yeah. Like a ripped pair of pants. It's not great. OK, it doesn't really make it doesn't really make sense. Like a.

All right, sorry to start over, sir. Camden's Sabbath night calm was ripped like the seat of an old pair of pants when somebody pushed open the dog pound doors and let 25 yelping inmates out inmate inmate crime is living. A dozen police cars summoned by radio converged upon the area. What? That's what? The dogs. They get called for dogs, but not children playing with dynamite.

Honestly, can you only cause if there's an emergency? We have two dozen dogs on the loose. It's ruin the Sabbath night like a pair of pants that ripped. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, it takes you there, doesn't it? Sure does. Oh. Bluecoats bagged all but one of the capricious canines and the fellow they charged.

Let them out. He identified himself as Archie Malcolm, Archie Malcolm. So they got all but one dog and Archie. Was what happened to Archie? He went to Arkham for life. He went to Arkham where he just pine for Batman. The guy just like straight up admit it. He's like, yeah, I'm the one that let him out.

And your name? Well, I'm named what most men are named in this time. I'm Archie Malcolm, another one. All right. He spells it. He's like, it's A-R-C. C-H-I-E. Yeah, we know Archie.

It's 1938. It's everyone. I mean, who let the dogs out, Archie Malcolm? There it was. Someone was going to do it. You can always count on me to go for the easy joke. That's a good one. Don't you worry.

I had it. I'd have made it. Can I just say quickly that I bought the Bahamian album? Oh, yeah? The full album. Remember the whole album? I bought the whole album. I mean, the one song was so good.

I used to do that a lot when I was like whatever age that was. But I'd just be like, I'm going to give him a shot. I like that. I like what I hear. And then it's just like I was listening to it. I was like, even at like 14 or 15, I was like, this is garbage. This is not good.

Who let the cats out? Yeah, who let the cats out? Who let the elephants out? Let's let the dogs back in. It was like, jeez, guys, come on. That's not a bad again. Bahamian, this is not. Who really got let out was the critics.

They came full swing. Who let the bad reviews out? Everyone, everyone, everyone. They were written like a rip through the headlines like a pair of pants. Pair of Jorts. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from the Dala podcast.

The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that.

Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky.

March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that.

That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular standup at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever.

May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Standup Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut. It's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th,

and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information and join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. Marriage on scientific basis called Way to Super Race. Oh, geez.

Well, Sarah, we're back to Eugenics. I hope you're happy. Well, I mean, you picked these out for me purposely. He wants you to have an angle. Dave's really trying to make you. I want you to tell the fucking truth. I know you grew up in Georgia. Come on.

You know how you really grew up. You've heard it before, Sarah. Yeah. Okay, so. Yeah, this is like a word search versus a headline. Every man could be in Einstein, says geneticist, but trend now is towards super idiots. Well, that's the article that had him at the time.

I mean. He knew, he knew, he knew, he knew. And he's like, sorry, I'm going to be following the dynamite soccer story. That's right. I think I'm proving my point pretty well. We got proving my point pretty well. Upstate had some competition with Nostradamus over here.

This is from the AP, a race of human beings possessing the intellectual ability of Einstein, or Aristotle can be produced. A prominent geneticist said today, if human selection can be placed on a scientific basis, instead, present trends point toward a race of super idiots who will be too stupid to live. Stop writing.

A guy just let a bunch of dogs out of the pound. Some guy just let 24 dogs out of the pound. Quit writing. Besides signs, blah, blah, blah. We got 24 dogs running loose. Wait, is he saying that there's the potential to be a whole race of geniuses or a whole race of idiots? Yeah.

He's saying that if we use signs to put the right people together to marry and have kids, you could create really smart people, but instead, everyone's just fucking who they want. It's making idiots. So he's looking for more arranged marriages. Yeah, he is. We have an IQ test first.

I actually wouldn't mind that lately. No, I mean, it sounds, it is definitely fucked up to like, have that be kind of predetermined, but the way things have worked out, it sort of seems like, look, we're gonna have to make some fucking hard calls at some point.

Why not back then? We'd be like, no, no, no, no, your brains aren't gonna fuck. Your brains are gonna fuck. You too. These smarties. You too will be degenitalized, but you can rub. Understand? Okay, thanks, mister.

Wanna play soccer dynamite? Wanna play dynamite ball? That doctor in Indianapolis was going for when he impregnated everyone with his own sperm. You know what I mean? He was just like, I'm gonna make everyone smart. The world needs is 500 me's. Everyone should be smart and really unattractive.

To live in the same town and not know that they're related so that all of their kids have eyes too close together. Welcome to Measville. Population me. Population me. I'll be the mayor of the city. Don't you worry. The United States is Paul Pupano of Los Angeles.

I'm not gonna listen to that. And he wrote this in an article in the Journal of Heredity. Oh, I actually love the Journal of Heredity. I get that. It's great. Those are the two I subscribe to. If a Superman could arrange human marriages at will, he could produce results that by present standards

are almost incredible. Humanity, humanly speaking, there are almost no limits to the possibilities of selection for intelligence and a race could be produced the least intelligent individual which would have a greater intellect than Aristotle or Newton. Wow.

The intelligence of every human being is the direct result of the quality of genes he or she inherits. As in playing bridge, he added, a person may get all the clubs or all the spades, but he may also get such a bad assortment of cards that he's unable to take a single trick. So at the end there, he was like,

I always listen to people who reference bridge, you know? Whenever someone references bridge, I'm like, I stop this. Well, this guy's smart. Yeah. We're old. Yeah. Can you put this sort of eugenics breeding thing

in terms of cards? Well, it's a lot like Go Fish. Now, when two match, you're fish. You got it. You got a pair. And then you let those two go off. But then sometimes you hit a couple of duds and well, they'll go off.

In my theory, we probably remove their testicles or baby making abilities. I wonder if like, I mean, I guess I'm like wondering if this just kind of happens naturally. Like normally you, a lot of people meet in college, right? So you wouldn't be at the same college unless you had some sort of academic. Yeah, but you've been.

Or you become a billionaire and then you're like, I'm going to marry a 20 year old Instagram model. And then that's where it all. It's really gotten bad now with like dating apps because it now is so bad that it's just like, there's no, like it used to be like a conversation would be like, oh, I'm intrigued by this person. We're speaking the same.

Now you're just like, oh, okay. Yeah, she looks hot at the beach. Hopefully she likes my picture with me and my cat. Like it's just like not, you know, and then by the time you meet up, you're like, well, shit, I mean, we both drove here. I can seem like a waste of a night to not like make out a little bit or something, you know?

So expensive. Yeah, it's gas, the whole thing. We got chicken skewers, we talked, we had three glass of wine. I mean. Yeah, I don't know, everyone's doomed. Yeah, that should be the dating app, an IQ dating app where you can own,

like you have to be of a certain intelligence to match. No, I think you need, I used to always say that like, you need like the in and out of dating apps. Like you get two choices, you know? Cause right now everything is very much like the cheesecake factory or it's just like, there's too many choices and you're like, I don't like. So limit the choices.

Nothing sounds good now. If you have limited choices, cause it takes, it's very difficult to get on the app or something. I don't know. No, that is true. I think if you go on, if you go on some of it, it's just like you are like a god, like, no, no, yes, I'd bang you.

No, no, no, no, yes, I'd bang you. I'd bang you like a stick of dynamite over a game of soccer. Oh, bang, you said bang. I'd bang. He said back. I was like, why are you really getting into this thirties? Yeah, no, no, for the record, bang. Bang bang.

Bang bang. Victim of $800 handkerchief swindle in Niagara Falls, John Schrader of 148 11th Street, Niagara Falls. They always give the address. Address? They do a lot of it. They always give the address. A lot of address drops in the papers back then.

Yeah. Simpler times. He's in the phone book. You could just look him up. Yeah. Today viewed the Buffalo Police Department's Rogues Gallery in an effort to learn the identity of two well-dressed strangers who took his money.

What the fuck is a handkerchief swindle? I don't know. I thought. How did they get a handkerchief swindle? 800, they got $800. $800 and 38, by the way. So. Yeah.

Did they use the handkerchief to pick something up or pick his pocket, or like they drop the handkerchief, the guy bends over to pick it up and then they grab his wallet out of his back pocket or something? That would make sense. That's what I would do. That makes way more sense than what I'm picturing, which is that this guy was like, really?

So that's King Tut's handkerchief, huh? Yeah. Pick which one your money's under. I don't love this game. I wonder if some. This one. Somehow they had him put the money in a handkerchief and then they swapped.

So he thought he had $800 in the handkerchief, but they switched it out for another handkerchief. If you enter this game, you deserve to lose your money. By the way, I'm one of the idiots in the other guy's story. I shouldn't be breeding. Yeah. I mean, the rest of this paper is basically just going to be pointing back to that article.

Like, remember when the guy said he shouldn't breed? Well, this guy's like, all right, so wait a minute. If I picked the right handkerchief, I could get $1,600. Well, don't mind if I do, dummies. Hey, wait a minute. Where'd that kerchief go? Oh, my God.

Like, we got. We got some news on a Mexico. Oh. Oh. Oh, OK. Just now. Yeah. Is this the other big breaking news? Yeah.

Just kidding. Day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day, day. OK. The noodle raids Mexican town. The noodle. L.T. L.T. Aaron, the noodle in parentheses. That's his name is the noodle. So the noodle is a man. L.T. Aaron.

Yeah. It's not like linguine, just like drop shore or something. OK. No. OK. It's maybe the worst. You don't go to Mexico. Yeah.

It's maybe the worst criminal nickname ever. I'm the noodle. OK. Don't put me in water or I could escape anything. He rolls into town, he flops around on the ground. Hello. Like he doesn't have a spine. Throw me against the wall.

Tiny slim flapping. Hello. Give me all your. Pick which handkerchief your money's in. I'm the noodle. L.T. Aaron, Mexico's most picturesque outlaw has resumed his depredations after after. Yeah, it's really hot.

I think hot has resumed his depredations after long inactivity in Puebla. It was reported L.T. Aaron, whose name is Enrique Rodriguez, raided the village of Cuatita near Atalexico and took a rural schoolteacher and four other men prisoner and hanged them to trees outside the town. OK. So the noodle is a cute little nickname.

I'm the noodle. Remember the noodle? I was doing him. I'm the noodle. He's fucking hanging teachers. Yep. Yeah, that's what. That's what it looks like. No, no, that is very a noodle.

It's this very this is like this is classic Mexican pasta. The bandits then set fire to the schoolhouse before retiring to the hills. What the fuck noodle? They hate school. Noodle. What was their motive? It doesn't say. They were just a world of idiots.

If we want to call the breeze. We want the breeding idiots. I'm the noodle. Oh, my God, Jesus. Any idea. Do we know why he's called the noodle? No idea. Just he's the noodle, but he's a fucking murderer

who burns schools. Yeah. Audente, he's a little hard on the inside. Yeah, yeah, he's like he's. He's Audente on the inside. Not a fan of school. It wasn't even like a chef's school. It was like like something where he was like a mad

nickname. Yeah, he just doesn't like learning. That's where they gave me the nickname noodle in school. All schools will pay. I like the idea that Sarah just had, which is that he is trying to undo the noodle nickname by becoming just like an evil vicious criminal. Now what are you coming?

Noodle. Stop. I killed four teachers, motherfucker. Oh, I know. Rigatoni, the school burner. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes, penne. You guys always, you're you only lots of pennies.

Penny. That's just stupid. But I just don't know. I just didn't know I was going to take the turn that teachers were going to get started out fine. Yeah, I was picturing the noid that he's being called Mexico's most picturesque criminal. Yeah, very attractive.

He's very noodle-esque. The noodle. Well, if they know what he looks like, why haven't they caught him? Sounds like he'd be easy to get. Probably hard to cuff. Easy to catch. Have you ever tried to grab a wet noodle?

Yeah, that's what it is. They're just like, god damn it. Suck him. Suck him up. Put him in your belly. We'll barf him up at the joint. Another AP story out of Boston. Doorbells left off. Oh, finally.

Dear. Finally. Finally, something that's impactful. 1,000 apartments, but not one doorbell. City Councilor Robert Gardner, Wilson, Jr. reported that discovery today after an inspection of South Boston's recently completed federal housing project, Old Harbor Village.

Unexpected visitors could stand under the window and shout, he suggested. This is such a Boston. Such a Boston. What a Boston. Yo, Kevin, get down here. Yo, my name's Kevin. My name's also Kevin.

I'm Kevin, too. We've got like 13 Kevin's. All right. Hey, Patrick. Yeah. What's up? I'm Patrick, too. We're all Patrick on the 15th floor.

All right. All right, fuck. Hey, Murphy. Yeah. We're going to go get some chicken wings down in Tommy's. Yeah, we're all going to Tommy's. The building's empty. Well, I would have written your doorbell,

but there wasn't a doorbell on any of them. Yeah, that's part of the building designer's vision. He wants to make life a total fucking nightmare. The building inspector showed up, and he was just like, yeah, the only thing is doorbells. And the guy at the building was like, yeah, no, I put a, oh, fuck. You think I don't think any guy in Boston ever needs to knock.

Like, you know when they're there. Yeah, that's true. I'll just throw a brick through his window. Oh, it's close. Give me another brick. Oh, it's close. Give me another brick. Oh, it's right there.

Yeah. Wait, I smell a meatball sub five minutes away. I think Kevin's coming. Hey, noodle. Yeah? Kevin, definitely almost here. Yeah. I smell a fight about to break out over the Red Sox.

So I'm very sure my cousin's almost here. In Boston, friends are smelling each other. I don't know. Unexpected visitors could stand under the window and shout, he suggested. Otherwise, a caller might telephone. A housing official said doorbells had been abolished to bar peddlers.

But visitors, yes, they will have a problem. How many fucking peddlers are you getting where you're like, yeah, I don't want to be contacted? I mean, essentially that is like when your phone rings with spam. You're just like, I want to have a phone. First of all, if you have a phone in 1938, yeah, you're answering. No one's just like calling you to sell something over the phone.

Yeah. Mike, right? I didn't think that started until way later. Oh, man. It was cheaper to make a phone call. The first time when that was like starting must have been so effective. I've got a very interesting offer for you, Mr. Dundason.

Really? For me specifically? Oh, yes. You're going to love what we've got off of you. Do you like steaks? Have you ever wanted them through the mail? Mailing me meats? Miss, are you a genie?

Go back in your land. This is an unb- Honey, we've wanted the meat lottery. I guess there were door-to-door salesmen, though, right? What's that like? Oh, yeah. Sold vacuums and all kinds of stuff, door-to-door. Tonics. Did they sell doorbells?

They could have made a lot of money. Did you find it really hard? Was it really horrible when I was banging on your door and shouting outside? Do you wish there was a solution to this problem? Well, Mr. Gunderson, let me present to you the riggy-diggy doorbell. What does it do? It means people like me will be able to come over

a lot more often. Well, I hate people like you. Well, why don't you get yourself a riggy-diggy doorbell, sir? That had to be two before the people was invented, right? Like, when was the people invented? What a revelation the people was. The people was all invented. I'm not answering.

You know, I just wish I could see who was out there. So I knew whether or not I, you know what, that's a... What if we put a little telescope in your... Well, Andy, that's a genius ship right there. Honey, we're not here. I looked through the people of jail. So many times I wish I had... I mean, you know, every time I think about going back in time,

I always think about having the sports on the next. So I could go back and gamble on games. But also being able to invent and, like, tell everybody about these amazing inventions. The people is a great one. People is a big time. People is a great one. Yeah.

Filthy books, Breed Crime, says priest. Well... I mean, has he read the Bible? The salacious... Yeah, right. Probably not. No. Salacious literature is a highly infectious bacteria

which society must destroy before it can hope successfully to combat the disease of crime. Date kids instead. Oh, sorry, what was I saying? The Reverend Roman Neewer, pastor of Saint Joachim's Church. Joachim's Church. Joachim.

Joachim's... Joachim? Is that Joachim? Saint Joachim? It's J-O-A-C-H-I-M. Is that Joachim? Yeah, it's... Is that Joachim?

I don't know. Yeah, I guess Joachim would have a cue. But I'm just worried for this priest to read this newspaper with all this colorful language. Oh, yeah. Our upstate Vonnegut. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh, this smut.

He's also chaplain of the Erie County American Legion and the 106th Field Artillery. Field Artillery, is it feeling? Oh, no, field. Sorry. Chaplain of the 106th Field Artillery. OK, so he's doing... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always had a lot of chaplains.

So many people died. Oh, really? Uh, his... He decreed this Monday evening in a radio talk on W-E-B-R. Weaver. The talk was one of a series being sponsored by the Permanent Committee on Public Decency in the Current Campaign Against Evil Books.

Evil Books. I love... I mean, it's... I mean, really, not much has changed from... No, they're doing it now. Yeah, they're still trying to get people to stop whacking off and just read the Bible. You think they say gay now? They said it a lot during the war.

Oh, my God. In a way that meant happy. Yeah, right. Yeah. We want gay people in church. Oh, boy, that age poorly, huh, Barry? Yeah. Oops. Filthy reading is a germ which is an incentive

to sensual gratification and sensual gratification is very closely bound up with crimes against society and crimes against nature. Yeah, like... But, okay, if this was coming from someone who, like the Nostradamus idiot guy, I'd be a little more inclined to listen to it than the guy who's like,

I've never had my wiener near a wussy. I can't do it. The Lord won't allow it. Oh, these books. So, I'll tell you one thing these books do. They really make you think about fucking. Oh. Well, I'd rather you read about it

than just be, like, out there, you know what I mean? But, like, I guess it's also... You wonder what they... They didn't give an example of a book, so we don't know how filthy they're... What they're, you know... Also, he's probably in his little back quarters like reading this, like, dirty stuff, like...

Oh, boy. It's, like, gone with the wind, and they're like, they kiss at the end. This is... But if you're not fucking, then every book you read is like... The Bible. Oh, my God, there's a woman in this. The Bible has a couple parts that I'm not crazy about,

to be honest. How did Mary get pregnant? There's lots of prostitutes in the Bible, right? Oh, yeah. You betcha. Once again, today we will be going over some of the sex work for money parts of the Bible. You all will join me again

and just let me indulge in what it would be like to be able to purchase flesh and to be near flesh and to have your shirt off while you touch the flesh of another. And what is it like to touch a nipple that's not yours? It's not important. It's irrelevant. The only person I see without a shirt off has a bunch of blood coming out of his ribs

and wears a crown of thorns with two spikes in his hands. I mean, I'm guaranteeing that it's like some sort of like anatomy schoolbook and it's not like the comma sutra or something. You know what I mean? That he's referencing. Oh, anatomy. Oh, to touch an ovary. Can you touch him? How does it work? What's up, everybody? This is Gareth,

not Gary from The Dollar Podcast, the show you're about to listen to. Listen, see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis.

March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say, I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington.

Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand-up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th,

I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information, and join me. Be part of the Garmie. Everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. Hunter reverses system.

The Deers are hunting us. Give them guns. I gave the deer my gun. The whole thing is now reversed. We're doing man-bee. Frank Delouche has introduced a new wrinkle in the sport of hunting wildcats. Instead of shooting from the ground at a wildcat in a tree,

Mr. Delouche climbed a tree himself and shot at his quarry on the ground. Oh, man. I really thought you were going to say he climbed the tree to a wildcat in the tree. And I was like, you know what? If he's doing that, let's have that fight. I'm like, yeah.

OK. So this is the first guy. A wildcat. A quarry? Oh. But you said a quarry on the ground. A wildcat. Do you have a tape measure? Yeah.

And shot? Yeah, I do. Sorry. Have you measured your penis while we do this? What's going on? I was doing some mending on my fence earlier. And that's a euphemism for measuring his penis. I was mending my fence.

Now you're just like using it. Now you're just like using a to read along. Yes. He shot at his quarry on the ground. What's a quarry? Like a rock quarry? I think that means. No.

I think that means like his. His foe. His victim. His hunting. What he was going after. OK. His quarry. Is this the guy shooting cat?

Wildcat. Yeah. Is that my grandmother? Oh, wildcat. Not like he's not like shooting like domestic house cats. My grandmother. My grandmother had a baby. She had a cat.

Oh, my God. That's horrible. I got to him later. He usually takes a hose in the tree. Oh, my God. They get up in her tree. She climbed up there with a hose one time and sprayed him and fell off the ladder and like broke her arm.

Oh, my God. And it was the day I called her. But I had, I had, I was working with Fabio and it was like her dream come true to talk to Fabio. And she's like, I have to let you go. I broke my arm. And Fabio was like, oh, yes. It's happened to me with a seagull on a roller coaster.

These animals that are attacking in weird ways now. I was, I was at Six Flags on the Batman ride when a bird tried to kill my face and career. Sorry. OK. So this guy was hunting wild cat, like, like mountain lion type cat. Yeah. The thing is that you get in the tree and you can kill them on the ground easier rather than shooting like a deer stand.

Yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah. He explained that his foxhound was following the animal when it disappeared into a clump of underbrush, underbrush, unable to spot the wild cat from below. The hunter used a nearby tree as an observation tower and the rest was easy. So this guy apparently has invented climbing high and shooting at things.

Yeah. I mean, that's how you win every battle is you're at a higher point than your enemy. I love people reading this. The whole reason Normandy was not a success is because everybody else was on top of that. Have you ever been to Normandy Beach? No. It's like just the most giant clip, like it was just like lambs being led to slaughter. It's like the fact that anybody survived that is insane.

Yeah. They were like, wow, that's really not great for us. So long to reload a weapon that anybody had a shot. Oh, yeah. But I'm just saying like a higher point is like, I mean, I don't think this guy is inventing the wheel here. Well, unfortunately, Sarah, he's in the paper, so he clearly. Yeah.

I mean, again, as I knew, it would always relate back to the idiot article. And again, he's like, yeah, no shit, just get higher. You know, the wild cat's at a disadvantage if it can't possibly get you. Really good shit from everyone here in Buffalo. Awesome work, everyone. Really? Top notch stuff. Way to go.

Someone have sex with this Einstein. Here's a UP story from Los Angeles. Movie has real slang. Gunfire. Gunfire. Resounding from the screen during a gangster movie at Warner Brothers, a downtown theater earlier today drowned out gunfire in the balcony where a robber was slain while fleeing with 4,000 of the theater's receipts.

So there's a real robbery on screen, right? There's shooting in it. And meanwhile, in the back of the theater, there's a guy stealing money and getting into a shootout. And he gets in a. Yeah. So the people. It's like the it's like the movie.

Nobody noticed. Yeah. I mean, this guy's performance is a little over the sinks really off that guy's not even shot. And he's complaining about his belly bleeding. My god. He knows about sink when they're watching movies in the 30s, none of this matches up with their mouths.

They're like, it's a good movie. There's talking and there's motion. They don't need to be in. They don't need to be in sync. That's fine. Oh, the audience was the audience is watching a movie called A Slight Case of Murder. Yes. Oh, just a dabble.

Just a touch. Just a dash. She has to dash a murder. Just a hint of murder. He'll live when it's only a little murder. What? When a bandit, the victims in Mexico, the noodles. When a bandit entered the manager's office and took the money in the audience was Sid

Marks, an honorary police lieutenant who carries a gun. He confronted the bandit and shot him. Oh, oh, he got him. Yeah. Yeah. He killed him. He just shot him. Well, Sarah, it's what we like to call a little bit of murder.

Just a hint of murder. He killed him. Just a salt bay of murder. Oh, no, no Hollywood news. Spanky quits gang. That's it. I'm out of here. This is bullshit.

George McFarland better known, better known as Spanky who was going on 10 and now says retirement today. I mean, he's retired from Hal Roach. Our gang comedies in which he has been one of the starring members for seven years. He retired. He's retiring. Yeah. He's retiring at 10.

He retired. 10. Macaulay Culkin. What else? It's a little different. Forced retirement. What am I going to do? I've done it all.

I've seen it all. I've banged it all. I'm out of here. Spanky nails from Dallas joined the gang when he was a little past two years. What the fuck? Why are they writing it like the Little Rascals biography? They're not real. They're talking about it like a documentary of the way Spanky joined the Rascals at two

when he was forced to by his parents. Initiated. He was initiated in the gang at two. He says he kind of lost track, but thinks he's been in 12 pictures a year or 84 and all. Wow. I mean, he kind of lost track because he's fucking 10. Right.

I don't know how many of pictures I did when I was three. It's hard. It's just like, I don't know. I've been drinking a lot since four. Still a woman hater though. I still don't like a woman around me. I'll tell you. What was it, Female Woman Hater's Club or something?

What was it called? Male. That was the name of their club. Oh, I don't remember. The Little Rascals Club. The Little Rascals Club. Was it really? I don't remember.

It was the Woman Hater's Club. It was like the All Boys, Female Woman Hater's Club or something like that. Specky isn't quitting the screen. He'll play in feature films, having some experience in them. The Roach Plant hasn't found a fat boy to succeed. Oh boy. He's 10. He's 10.

Oh, He-Man Woman Hater's Club. That's what they were called? Wow. He-Man Woman Hater's Club. Wow. Okay. So, he's going on to other things. He's just no longer a Little Rascal.

Yeah. No. Oh, shit. I remember Specky now. I just looked at him. Oh. I remember Specky was the main one. Well, what's that?

Yeah. Is that like when there was like a new 90210 member or something, like a new Saved by the Bell Cast member? It's like... I feel like... Was it... I felt like Specky was always the leader guy. I felt like Specky was...

Yeah. It feels like Specky was the... It feels like Alfalfa was like kind of the Luigi, but Specky was the Mario. Yeah. The Mario. Yeah. I think you're right. Yeah.

Sweet little Specky. Specky. Yeah. Oh, my God. I always think I always remember Specky because of the... Tommy Boy. Yeah. Yeah.

Which Little Rascal? Which Little Rascal is your favorite? Alfalfa? Alfalfa? Or was it Specky? Specky. He... at 24, he joined the Air Force and then when he came back, he toyed with going back into acting, but no one would hire him.

So he started working different jobs and then odd jobs. And then in the 60s, he started working for the Filco Ford Corporation as a national sales training director. She was never tired, motherfucker. Dave really bringing it to Specky's grave. You had a good thing, Speck! You should have kept your money in the speck, but not my turn. More Hollywood news.

More Hollywood news. Dress is ironed on to save time between tank studio wardrobe people have perfected a technique for ironing costumes with the wares inside. This is going to hurt a lot. It's what we call... This is going to really hurt. A little bit of murder. I mean, I love... like, I mean, of course, female starlets are not the priority.

They're just like, listen, it's not our fault it takes you so long to get ready. Good Lord. It's your fault. All right, boys. Get those tuxes off so we can... We're going to steam them in the back. Ladies, stand there. Prepare to be burned horribly.

How many... you've got eight chrysalines on and they're all definitely, you know, able to go up in flames very easily. Very flammable. All right. Here we go. Let me put this... let me put this non-perfected technology upon you. This hot... We need...

We're going to need a new Robin Hood. This one is on fire. Oh, so headline problem in etiquette. I like that that's the end of that story. That's the end. That's all there was. Women are really wasting time on set. Okay, next story.

They used to get sewn into their outfit, right? Oh, wow. At least that's like... what's her name in Greece? Sandra Dee. Maybe Tosca Dero? Yeah. No, Sandra... the Australian... Oh, Newton.

Olivia Newton-John. Olivia Newton-John. Yeah, she had to get sewn into those pants in that black outfit so she couldn't like pee or anything. Yeah, the leather pants. Yeah. Wow. They did that with Trivultus.

They're sewn on. They're sewn on that. That's crazy. Yeah, they used to get sewn into those dresses and corsets and stuff. I mean, and they're in there for like out, you know, like women used to wear those dresses for a couple hours at a party, not 14 hours on set. All right, we need another brief break. We got to take another break.

We're hungry again. You're hungry now. You're starving. You need to eat. There's no way you're not hungry now. You're going to go with the wind. Meanwhile, the old carpet bagger over there, he's changed outfits five times. He's eating wings at the buffet.

He's a crafty pounding ham. Oh, he's spanky. Oh, he's getting his spanky on. Okay, sorry. That's my face hurts because I'm laughing, though. I forgot what it was like. Detective a bit jittery. Oh, good.

Good. He was like, we might have a little bit of murder. Not until he was half shaved in the Colorado Penton Attentury Barber Shop today, did W.J. Ryan, Denver detective, noticed the barber was lefty Johnson with whom he traded bullets while Johnson was fleeing a restaurant holdup. Wow. Johnson was captured later. Detective Ryan went through with the shave.

Wow. That is a lot of confidence. That really is. That was straight razors. Yeah. I mean, that's like old school straight razor shave, and you're like, I've shot at this guy. What a time, too, to just be like, it's going to roll the dice.

What are you in for? I was a bank robber. Oh, they get you. Some dumbass detective shot me a bunch. What about you? I'm actually an ex detective, but anyway, you look pretty familiar. Horrible shot. Terrible shot, thankfully.

That's why otherwise I'd have gotten a longer sentence. He's a current detective. Right. He's getting a free fucking shave. Go pay for a goddamn fucking shave, you cheap fuck. Yeah. So he's at the penitentiary getting a shave, and he realizes the guy shaving him is the guy that he arrested.

Yeah. Got to share that with, yeah. I mean, most of the guys at the penitentiary have been arrested. You'll find that. Yeah. In the town. You're going to. In the town where you're a cop.

Yeah. They're probably going to have this a number of times. Yeah. Best place to run into someone you've arrested. Probably the penitentiary. Yeah. All right. I'm going to get a suit made by that guy putting the slammer, if you don't mind.

But I love coming to the prison mall. Yeah. I'm getting a suit made by my friend Buffalo Bill, who I arrested. I got to go try out the suit Buffalo Bill's made for me. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not crazy about the material. Seems like human flesh to me, but I want it to lure.

I'm not big on soap. I'm not a huge soap person. By the way, it's strange. In order to pay him, I got to put the cash in the bioscope. God. Woman dies 111. Oh. Miss Julia Richards died Monday of a heart attack.

She smoked cigarettes and cigars till the last. I love those stories. So she was born in 1827. Smoking the whole way. Yeah, she's 111. She saw it all. Wait. She died.

What? Smoking cigarettes and cigars. He smoked cigarettes and cigars till the last. Usually people smoke one or the other, but she loved both. Well, you know what happens. My grandmother died at 99, and she dips snuff every day. She was a spring cat out of trees and jumped out of trees after animals. That was my grandma.

Then my great-grandma died. All right. Well, the woman's spring cat out of trees, she died at 94. Wow. 99. Yeah. 99. Yeah, there's something to it where it's just like, I've done this my whole life.

That's what my grandma did. Yeah. My grandma on my dad's side, she smoked her whole life, and then at probably 80, she went to nicotine gum, and then she started smoking again and kept the gum, and she lived to like, yeah, like 90. I even remember being young, being like, if I knew I would go, I mean, because I smoked for a while, and the reason you quit is for your life to be longer. If you knew you were going to 90 and you could smoke, I'd be like, oh, I can't wait.

I mean, granted, when she'd get started with a cough, it would be like a mower going off, but still. You know what I mean? It would sound like a few like startup polls, and then it would be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you'd be like, oh, boy, oh, boy, stand her up. You have those people. I mean, I definitely had people in my family who I was like, they're not going to live very long, and then they lived so much longer.

Yeah. And then like the healthy, the tennis players are like, he's dead at 55. Yeah, that's right. Never smoked a day. Yeah. Never smoked a day. Got lung cancer. You know my uncle JR is like, ex-wife tried to kill him like a ton, like she put rat poisoning

in his coffee every... Was it a little bit of murder? She put rat poisoning in his coffee every day for a year, and he built up an immunity to... Ha! I guess. What? What the fuck?

I was so, yeah, I read just like this, I mean, family, I don't know, I don't get it. You know, family. In Georgia, we just say, yep, you know, family, he just became big of the rats. He was just able to make it on. He could eat wrong rat by the end. He became the head of the Ninja Turtles. My father became Splinter, that's the origin story, I don't know if you've heard that. Pockets are fewer in silhouette suits.

Note to men who cram their pockets full of stuff and fumble around for more space, New York's swanky tailors have declared war on you for your own good. Wow. A hundred members of the Custom Cutters Club agreed today after their annual style show that far from doing anything to help the average man in his pocket plight, the overstuffing problem should be attacked by providing suits with even fewer pockets. Wow. And then that got overcorrected in the fifties because they all got those Dick Tracy Giants

suits. Yeah. Double the pockets. You put a whole body in there like you could do people. All right. I'm a walking pocket. Look out for the fanny pack, Tracy. He's over yonder.

Yeah, I'm captain of the pockets. I'm not going to fall to a handkerchief. Men just in sacks. Yeah. Put whatever you want inside here, see. Give it a shot. Huh? What do you want?

Huh? What do you need? Lipstick? Discount gift cards? Huh? What do you want? What do you want? Macaroni salad?

Huh? Another Subway? Rubber chicken? Huh? Another version of me? There's two of me in here. Look, I got my wife and kid down here. Hey, what are you coming home, Dan?

Don't call me, Dan. I'm at work. Huh? Tiny pockets. Like, I mean, but what else did, like, what all, what all are guys even carrying around back? I mean. Oh, well, here you go.

They don't have a cell phone. Oh, here we go. Here, it will discourage men from even trying to tote around so many old letters, unpaid bills, linoleum samples, seed catalogs, and cigarette packages with only one cigarette in them. Oh, my God. So there's a bunch of options? Oh, no linoleum.

Hey, do you have any linoleum, Charlie? I forgot mine. Yeah, I got a bunch. Here you go. Do you have any cigarettes with just one in the packet? I hear that. Well, I have to carry them around because I don't know who's going to answer their door. Well, to be honest, when you're trying to sell in this day and age, you don't know what

to bring. Oh, my God. That probably makes sense. That probably became the thing now whenever you get, like, you get a suit and they have the phantom pockets. Like, when you go to a kitchen, there's like two drawers that are just, like, there. Yeah. Shh.

It's not a real drawer. It's not really a drawer. But we don't want to think that you have a bunch of wasted space, so this is a drawer. It's an ornamental drawer. Don't allow your guests near this for pulling. And then that seems to be the same battle we're fall fighting now with cargo shorts, where they're like people like as a single man, you'll be like, oh, give a fuck. I'm going to wear cargo shorts.

People are like, what are you doing? I'm like, look, I came here to get drunk, not laid. Allow me all my things. Where am I going to put my linoleum? I mean, you weren't carrying around keys because you might have had a key to your house, but you didn't have a car. You weren't a janitor. Yeah.

Unless you were a janitor. You had cigarettes. You had one. Well, yeah. Most guys had cigarettes. I thought it was going to be for, like, weapons. Yeah. Yeah, it's nothing.

Tommy gun. I got my Tommy gun in my right pocket. Yeah. And then I've got inside my pocket some other pockets. My hammer, I have my tree stand for when I'm hunting cats. Uh-huh. Yep. Got the tree for cats.

Got a ladder. Got a wild cat. I have a wet noodle. I'm a criminal. All right. Get back in there, you little scamp. You stay inside there. Dynamite.

Dynamite for soccer. I'm in a soccer league. Can you believe this guy's worried about idiots when a bunch of geniuses are running around like us? Oh, so funny. Um. Pudgy man is unloved. Spanky.

Yeah. What's new? Pudgy man. Too bad. That guy's like woman. Sorry. You wrote an article about me. What's it about?

Don't read it. No, no, no. How did the article? Mom, I made the paper. Mom, good news. I want to read it in front of you. He said it's on page nine. Why?

Why? The only one on here says Pudgy. Never mind. I don't know. Pity the Pudgy man for he doesn't stand much chance with University of Rochester co-eds. Wow. He has a term paper project, Jane Shule, a junior, question 50 co-eds on their future lives.

Of them, 48 were to be married, none to the Pudgy type. What? The average also preferred, uh, the average also professed a desire to marry for love. Preferred a professional well-built man and said she was willing to live on $50 a week at first. Yeah. Right. Ellipses.

Ellipses. Ellipses. Okay. So they're like. I'm sure to ask how many of those men are interested in the Pudgy gal. Well, Sarah, we don't. Come on. It's not.

That's a double standard. They're not bringing home the bacon. Come on. I am the bacon. I signed up to make dinner for you every night, not dinner for two. Oh, God. She's a lucky wife, Dave. Now they're saying they want to marry for love, but they like so the Pudgy are the Pudgy

are so shut out of society that they're like, well, the first thing I want is love. And the second thing is it can't be a Pudgy man. That's right. And it's no Pudgy co-eds. Yeah. Which is back then you went looking for a husband like that was. As a college. Right.

That's true. Yeah. They weren't supposed to, they weren't supposed to get jobs and work. They were supposed to. So they're in college studying until they find a man and they're like. Very few women were encouraged to have a profession. You could tell if a man was pudgy or not. Or an opinion.

Covered in pockets. Yeah. Excuse me, Sarah. The men are talking. Well, I also feel like when you're in college too, you're just like, this is what my dream man is. And like. He's rich.

He's nice. Combination. Yeah. Not at all. Pudgy. Saved by the bell characters. Yeah. You have no idea.

And then you meet actual men and you're like, oh no, I just want like somebody that's cool. I don't care what he looks like. I want a spanky. Yeah. Everybody wants a spanky. Where's that guy? Yeah. Where's spanky?

I'll have to wait till he gets older. He's only 10. No, I've seen it all. I've done it all, lady. Put your arm in mine. Get on your knees and put your arm in mine. Spanky can afford way more than $50 a week, I bet. At that time.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. His parents probably stole it all, but yeah. Yeah, it's true too. Fair. All right. Last one.

Okay. Okay. Teacher gets whipping. Mother of little girl admits guilt and pays fine. Wow. Charged with employing a section of rubber hose to flail a school teacher. Jesus Christ. Jesus.

Teachers. Definitely. Holy shit. They have always needed to get paid more. I think this is the noodle. Whom she accused of whipping her eight-year-old daughter. You know what I don't approve of? Punishment that is whipping.

Now get over here, teacher. Well, if a teacher hit my kid. I'd beat the shit out of teacher too. Yeah. But this is a time when you were allowed to beat kids. I mean, yeah, we had paddles in school. Yeah, they would like hang a door. Yeah.

With the teacher's name, they're like names were engraved. Like every teacher got one. It was like engraved on it. Oh my God, really? You guys didn't have that? No. No. No.

We're from not a corporal punishment. It came with the classroom. Yeah. We got detention. I mean, I was elementary school. My mother has crazy stories about like. Did you ever get hit? Uh-uh.

I never got in trouble. Look at you. But there are lots of kids that did. Yeah. Would they do it in front of the class or would they like separate them? Um, it depended. Like some times they did it in the class, but most of the time they go, you know, and then the principal had like his own like special one.

Oh my God. That was like, you didn't want to have to go get paddled by the principal. Now go to the principal's office for a further paddling. Yeah. It was just awful. It would have stopped me doing a lot of shit that I did. Miss Andrew Schultz has been fined $5. Okay.

$5. The fine was imposed by, uh, justice of the peace George Casey after Michelle's pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct charges. Uh, Michelle told the court her daughter, Anna, complained of being whipped by the teacher with a piece of hose. She asserted she previously had warned the teacher against hitting my daughter. Well, well, what you fucking think was going to happen. I mean, only around and find out.

Yeah. I'm going to take the hose. I beat my daughter with a beat the teacher with it. I wonder if she went in and took the hose that the teacher, you, first of all. Okay. Paddling kids. A fucking hose is like some prison shit. Yeah.

Rubber. You don't use a fucking hose. That's really painful. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've never been hit with a hose. Oh, Dave and I hit each other with a hose every time.

We do it. Yeah. We have a travel ban. I mean, it feels good, but it doesn't feel good. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what? It feels right.

Wrong. It's nice to feel something. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. You've never, you've never hit in yourself with a rubber hose. Self-flagellation, bad show.

Did you guys get hit with rulers? Did you get hit with really? We would get it on the hand with a ruler. Yes. I did get hit with a ruler once. No. That was a big cast across the knuckles. Yeah.

The knuckles. Yeah. No. Yeah. Rubber hose. I don't know. My teachers would stab me with a compass. It was a strange school.

I went to. I did have a teacher that's let a kid's throat with a straight razor. Oh, but he was probably, he probably arrested him. He was a punk. Yeah. I mean, but and also everyone else, everyone else from then on was very like, you know, not, not, no misbehaving after that. Like when you see a kid get murdered, you're like, oh, I'm going to tell you a lot.

I mean, you know, my two, you sometimes they would make us use a calculator. A calculator. It was constant. Calculate. Well, you'd just write boobs on it or boobless or hell. I'm just saying I relate to everyone's trauma here. It was just. Yeah.

Hard. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was a good, that was a good one because I agree with that one. So you're on record that if your child is beaten with a hose, you return with hose to beat. I do. Okay. All right.

Okay. I probably wouldn't have felt that way until I had a kid. Well, it's good. It's good. We have you on record. I like to think that this is no, I mean, I want your child to be fine, but I like to see the version where you're beating a teacher with a hose and we have this record. That's me.

That feels like a kid. That feels like it'll, it'll spike the numbers of the episode. Evidence. So even if you want to eliminate the step where the teacher starts it, if you just want to go hose, beat a teacher. No. Please. No.

Just be great. Only I for an eye in that situation. Well, hose for a hose, as we say every time we tour. Sarah Tiana. Thank you so much for joining us on the past times. We appreciate it. Sarah Tiana on Twitter and Instagram, H and Sarah, Tiara, but with an N. Yeah.

I've learned a lot. Tiana. Thank you for having me. This is really fun. It's a good idea. Well, yes. Come back again. What's your mom's name?

Dave, don't do that. Sue Haynes. Sue Haynes. And she will be listening. Yeah. Sue, thank you for listening. And what is her, where can people get her cat? Her chiefs?

Oh, well, she actually closed her store down. No. The cat shop. But I have some. Yeah. The cat. My name is in dog bow ties. But I still have a bunch.

So Dave, if you need dog bow ties, I'll send them to you. Dave only dresses for dog outfits. Oh, no, for your dogs. That makes sense too. It's a little bow tie. It goes on their collars. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Yeah. No, it's great. Jose. Jose has got a number of them still. We rock them. Yeah. It's holiday based. I know.

At this point. Special occasions I put on the tux and he puts on the bow tie or the little hose acre chief. I probably have some Packers ones for you for football season. Oh my God. Well, he's a Raiders fan. So it's a tough household. Oh.

Yeah. He goes where Devonte goes. He's always said that it's been a tough thing. It's been a tough off season. All right. Thank you, Sarah. And fuck you, Dave. What?

Yeah. Robert Hoescombe. The dollop is brought to you in part by Hello Fresh. Yeah. You get fresh recipes with seasonal pre-measured ingredients, step by step instructions. I already know this. Delivered right to your door. No.

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We had a ricotta flatbread and then veggie shepherd's pie. So me and your mom, we made balsamic tomato and herb chicken over a little bit of spaghetti. I don't think you did. And I'll tell you what your mom, your mom loved that. She's pescatarian. Get up to 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hellofresh.ca slash dollop20 with code dollop20. That's 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hellofresh.ca

slash dollop20 with code dollop20. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from the Dollop podcast. The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that.

Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio.

March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th, and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that.

That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand-up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club.

One's in New York, one's in Connecticut. It's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th. And that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information. And join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that.

We'll be right back.