The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 17 - The Past Times with Graham Elwood

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Graham Elwood. His new special Manifest It is on youtube.  New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

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All right, everybody. Welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week, we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week, Graham Elwood. Hi, Graham. How you guys doing?

Pretty bad. Graham, you have a special that is out, it'll be out probably by the time this is released called Manifest it, March 2nd it came out and it's on the All Things Comedy YouTube page. What's the best joke and why? Oh, Jesus. Wow.

This seems like one of those like awful like, what kind of comedy do you do? The intro to this podcast is very red carpet-y. Who's your shirt made by? My shirt's made by the, I donated money to the Onion newspaper and they sent me a shirt with an onion on it. Dave, is it just me or does Graham feel

like he thinks he's better than us? I think so. I think that's what I'm getting. I don't think it's a feeling, guys. I think it's just kind of a... Now, Graham, you're currently angry at the ocean, right? That's what I've been hearing all of my time. So I am angry at the ocean.

Yes, you're very angry. Continue yelling at it and things of that nature. What's going on with the ocean that makes you so mad about it right now? Because it's cold and stupid and I've been in LA for two months now and we've had two days that were 70 degrees. That's, I think it's just...

You have a problem with March snow? It's pretty normal this time of year. Yeah. He can't, he can't surf. So he's mad. Yes. Imagine being like that, Dave. He just keeps sending me text saying it's 45 degrees

in big capital letters. Yeah, furious. Just... Are you talking about angles? If it's angles, then there's a solution. Aim lower. Well, Graham, we encourage everyone to go watch Manifest It. All Things Comedy YouTube page.

That's where my special is. So now we are in direct competition, but it's all in good fun. We like to... It's a little conversation on YouTube. It's not... Absolutely is. Absolutely is.

Absolutely is. And I plan, I will fight you. We like to start by get... So Dave has a stupid paper and he, we like to start with a guess. A guess of what year this paper is. I'm going to guess because it's you as the guest and you seem very socialist.

I'm going to guess he's going to try to rile you up. So I'm going to guess that he's going to go with like a 1928 paper. That's going to be my guess. Interesting. I'm going to go... Graham, you could go back to the 1600s if you like. We can go old school if you think it's going to be about, you know, someone's goose being stomped on or something.

Which happened a lot in the 1600s. A lot. A lot. It was a hate crime. It was a big, a lot of goose rage back in the 1600s. Yeah, yeah. I actually, I'm going to go with, I'm actually going to go with the 1980s.

I think it's going to be 82. Also a great guess. Ooh. Great guess. Kiko Reagan's. Great guess. Red scarism. Great guess.

I think Dave and I like talking about how America never learns from its mistakes. So I think we're going to hear, we're going to... What is that? I'm not a fan of that. What are you talking about? America's... No one learns more.

Dave, Dave, you should do a podcast about that. I should. No one learns more. We just did a great, we just did a great dollop on the plague in San Francisco in 1900. And boy, did we not learn anything. Oh, it's fantastic. I mean, when I love like government secrets,

Lee Kamp and I just go through and the mistake, the crazy shit that the United States military has done, like time and time again, they've lost nukes. They use, you know, they've contaminated the water with like foam to put out airplane fires. And they just keep, when you read this story, you're like, nobody saw this coming. Nobody saw this coming.

Like every time, every time it's the same thing. So it's... Isn't a lovely camp. Does a lost nuke matter if nobody finds it? No, not really. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? What? Name one thing, name one thing bad

that could happen to a lost nuke. See? See, you can't. Thank you. What, maybe a goose gets stepped on? I don't know. It's not a big deal. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe a goose and nuke. Well, look, guys, you're both, it's right in between you. It's 1951. Oh, interesting. May 3rd, Key West, Florida. Oh, it's, if we're starting in Florida, I know it's gonna be great. I know this is gonna be a great story

because Florida is a fantastic place. But I'm wondering, is Florida crazier now or then? That would be my query. Let's see. I wanna say now. Ah, yeah, I think it's crazier now. I think back then I was more just, but sort of people who were trying, especially in Key West,

like just trying to sort of get away from it all and escape. Yeah, right. But now it's like, you know, it's, well, I think we can say batshit crazy. That's a technical term. Well, there's actually a joke I do in Manifestit. Available. Nice, Graham.

Nice. See, like seamless plug. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even notice. I didn't even notice. Where I talk about the problem with Florida today is everybody that's moved there, not the retirees, always has some shady reason why.

When you ask them, anywhere else you go, why did you move to Denver? Why did you? They always say, oh, my wife got a job or we wanted to be closer to my parents or something. Florida, that's always some like, you know. Florida and Nevada have very sort of laissez-faire, more than any other states, laissez-faire business rules.

And so that's where all these guys who fuck up at business go. And so they can do more shit. Like it's, yeah. I'll be there. And I heard that in Australia that that's what Perf is. Everybody who's like, who's run scams and burn bridges, they all go out to Perf in Australia.

Well, you can't get, in order to get them, it's just the pain in the ass if they're in Perf. You're just like, ah, fuck them. Let them go. He's gone. This is four-hour Floyd. All right. It's the Key West citizen is the name of the paper.

Great paper. Page, page one. And a page two, now we're on page two. Page one was just a little bullshit. Wow, not much effort. There's nothing on page one. Page ones is a lot of like, not, it's boring, basically. Sure.

A new defense. We see that a gentleman in another state who embezzled 87,553 from the firm by which he was employed was spared a prison term by the judge who heard the case because his wife testified that, quote, I drove him to it. Wow.

So, so the motive with the wife, the wife, yeah, the wife pressed him because yeah, he's just a pawn in the wife's scheme, essentially. He's like, he's like a divorced dad judge. And all you gotta do is go in and go, my wife is just riding me. He's like, get out of here. He's like, Jesus Christ, this sounds like me

with the garbage, not guilty. So, so if I understand this correctly, he embezzled 87 grand and the judge just said no big deal. Okay. Well, let's see. This is something of a new defense and one that will be overworked if the jurists of the nation take it seriously.

The man, it seems, made good the major portion of his embezzlement and will presumably during his tenure probation complete the retribution. So he's paid some of it back. It sounds like a lot of it back, but still he did steal money. We trust that the defendant will demonstrate by his activities in the next few years,

the wisdom of the judge who relieved him of a prison term. Nevertheless, we suspect that the unusual defense made in his behalf will be repeated many times throughout the nation if other wives are willing to take the stand and assume blame for the criminal acts of their husbands. So they're kind of putting it on the wife for taking the stand instead of the judge.

Yeah, right. Yeah, of course. Of course they find a way, of course. I'm trying to unpack this correctly here. So this guy embezzled 87 grand and then the wife... Let me stop you there, Graham. His wife basically did, but go ahead. Behind every good man is a wife that helps him embezzle.

We all know that statement. Yeah, always. So then she takes the stand and then the husband... She takes the stand and says, I drove him to do it. Yeah, and then everyone's like, well, that's pretty good. And the judge is like, yeah, no further questions. And they're like, you're the judge.

And he's like, we've heard enough. Your Honor, she kept wanting new dresses and things. My God, that's a tale as old as time. Get out of here. I didn't know what to do, judge. She's just like I want. Someone smack his wrists. We've heard enough.

I feel sick. She's down here with the girls and they all got new dresses to go. Give me the bench bucket. I need to vomit. Judge, I'm sorry, man. Someone suck this man's dick. Clearly the wife wasn't.

I mean, that's kind of probably part of the problem. You know? Your Honor, I'm not getting the late night suckies I used to get. For God's sake, someone uncuff this man. Well, that's good. I had to abyssal 87 grand to get blowjobs for prostitutes because my wife wasn't doing her job. So that's really...

And that's when the judge went, now that I get it, I get it, that's... You're fine. Hey, kid, you're fine. It is. It's like it does also harken to a time where the judicial system made more sense, which is always...

Yeah, no. I totally concur. I totally agree. And it's another reason why I'm never going to get married. Yeah, well, you were. So you tried it. Yeah, exactly. And she made me married.

You were married. How much money did you steal? Oh, millions. And then I pissed it all away, which was also her fault. So, you know, if I go to Vegas with embezzled money and the dice go cold, is it my fault? I mean, is it really my fault? A lot of people think that Graham can't serve

because his wife is controlling the oceans. So... Well, you said it. I'm not saying no. That's out there. I'm just saying, it's something to look at. Every time he puts his toe in the ocean, he goes, Gladis!

My wife's name was Gladis. I like that you're sticking with the 50s theme, Dave. Gladis? Gladis. And then she came out of the house in her hair rollers and threw her slipper at me. Yeah, right on the beach. Electron's two preserved foods.

Oh, this is exciting. Well, yeah, finally. Just about the time everybody has or wants to buy a deep freezer along comes the news that a short burst of high speed electrons shot through meat, fish, fruits, and vegetables will keep them without refrigeration for years without change of appearance. So this is the time before we had the electronizer?

Yeah, this is... Can you imagine when we lived before you could shoot electrons through your meat? So people are using freezers in order to preserve them? Yeah, these things... Yes, you would buy a thing, open it up, put food in it, and close it. Before you would just put your preferred refrigerated goods

on the ground and shoot it with a living room laser? That's right. Yeah, nobody had living room lasers. Now, I mean, they come on your iPhone. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I just got that app. Yeah, you just laser up a steak and then you're good. How I keep my pork cold.

Why is there a pause? Well, when someone says I keep my pork cold, everybody stops talking. Yeah. That's how I keep my pork so goddamn cold. Let me show you. No. I just don't feel like 1951, too, when the space age,

so everything was... They thought everything was going to be robotically. And it clearly hasn't happened. So it has not happened. No, we've gone in reverse. This piece of information comes from the New York Journal of Commerce, which says that the foods will keep indefinitely without changing their taste, odor, or appearance.

And then the next sentence is, so what? Question mark. So what? So what if my meat and food doesn't ever rot? Preserved forever. This is a game changer in the nationwide starvation of this guy's like, and... next.

What about garbage disposal repair, man? Are we going to put them out of work? Yeah. What are we going to do with all the garbage guys? Well, it seems that one needs a machine called the Capacitron to do the work. How much does one cost? Hell yeah.

We do not know, but probably a lot more than a deep freezer. Well, it's certainly... what a waste of an art. It's great to know how much time of ours this guy wasted now in retrospect, that this guy was just like, I think I'm going to do one on the electron gun, the capacitator, whatever the fuck it's called. It's really, you can see the three guys

running this Key West postal dispatch or whatever it was called, going, guys, we got all this empty space on page two. We got to fill it up with something. And it's like, oh, well, I just saw, I read a Dr. Seuss cartoon about a controlatizer. Can we just use that and put that in there? I was talking to a guy who sold me the Empire State Building,

and he said that there's going to be a new way to ray gun pork cold. That is a lot of newspapers through the beginning. Not at the very beginning. At the very beginning, they really just put news in. But then at some point, they just started putting, like this next one is just a fact. It's like, what's his name?

Oh, God, the fucking, the guy, the main news guy in the 60s, when he takes a tour of the house of the future. And he's like, you used to have to take plates out of a cabinet. But in the future, you will simply look at this tube and demand a plate, and it will come down. It's just like, everything is incorrect, except for computers. Or he's just like, it would not be uncommon for you

to ask the computer to print out the weather for the day. Computer, give me weather, still off, but being like, it'll be remarkable. Well, that's when they thought the future was going to be all like pneumatic tubes. And it was just, everything was tube-based. Yeah, you just, and the American dream was to just stand in front of a tube and be like, hot dog?

And it was like, what? Can you imagine eating pork ass at the snap of a finger? So here's this little fact. A speaker predicts a lifespan of 125 years for our great-grandchildren. This is interesting, but not our concern. Yeah, we know that you're not going to live to be 125 asshole.

Hey, look, kids are going to live to be 125. But don't worry about it. Nobody here has got to worry about it. Yeah, we'll be dead by the time they're 125, believe it or not, us 50-year-olds will be dead. I think what they were saying is, we're not concerned about it because we know we're screwing the earth up so bad here in the 1950s

that by the time these kids actually will all die before they're 60, so it won't matter. Not if we have anything to do with it, younger generation. So what we must do is put waste in rivers, bags in oceans. Let's heat that sky. Yep. You know what, actually, there's a new electron gun that I think we should start shooting at the ozone layer.

There's a new contaminizer that'll make the polar ice caps bigger and better than ever. Yeah. Plunging necklines and TV. Wow. Plunging necklines and TV. How am I going to come up with the article for these two things? This doesn't seem like a QS paper.

Looking down shirts and the boob tube. There we go. They were like, well, we have an older audience that's conservative here in Key West. This is before Key West got overrun by drug dealers and Jimmy Buffett people or whatever. Yeah, right. Yeah.

I bet the 60s Key West went off a bit. I would imagine. Oh, yeah. It just became a haven for Alice. I wonder if they have any idea that when Jimmy Buffett came there, they were like, this is a cultural touch point. Yeah. No idea what was happening.

They were just like, what do you mean there's going to be like stuffed parrots everywhere? The plunging neckline has officials of television stations somewhat worried and a special and a special committee is going to work on a program which will apply to such matters as TV, neckline and excessive commercials. There and there. This is this is a female phobia.

Correct. They're yeah, they're saying that they're starting to see a little bit of like we're yeah, right. We're not. Yeah. It's time to put together a committee. Right. They better boy.

I wish you could just show them like like our phones now and be like, so what do you want to watch? Two dicks go into an ass. Here you go. Just did this committee know that only fans was going to be created and be a porn star? Lunging necklines, horrible necklines. Hey, let me introduce you fellas to the bang bus.

The what? Yeah, yeah. You know, like the bus that goes to places to drop people off. This picks people up and then everybody fucks inside of it. Wait, what? But the neckline. Yeah, don't worry about that stupid neckline. That's over.

Oh, yeah. The neckline is absolutely nothing kids. It is a grain of sand on the beach of fucking. Corn. The telecasters. The telecasters frankly fear that unless they do something about program standards, somebody will do it for them. They may be right because news.

What do you think of this? And this is they would love that, actually. Yeah, they may be right because the history of this country shows that abuses on the part of money makers are usually countered by regulations, which are then denounced as regimentation. Well, well, I mean, imagine thinking that was true. But it's so it's so funny.

Their concern isn't that money making would be fucking over labors or screwing people or the corporations do whatever they want. It's like, no, we're getting a little bit more breast, which is the only good thing that comes out of money makers. It's it's it's it's kind of like the like when Gareth is talking about the guy in the future house,

it's sort of like they got a couple things right and then crazy woefully walk. And it's just like and this is the typical distraction of America rather than like, oh, big corporations are going to destroy the environment and exploit labor. The moves, there's going to be too many moves. You know, it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll go ahead.

No, nothing that was in the story. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from The Dollar Podcast, the show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some standup comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy,

as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio.

March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say,

I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday. Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington, come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular standup at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th,

I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Standup Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild.

Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to gearithrentals.com to get tickets and information and join me. Part of the Garmy, everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. Oh, we'll talk about it more. Go.

Well, here's Help Wanted, I'm in the Help Wanted area. I want to know what kind of help you need down there in 1951. Well, I just saw, this one jumped out at me. Male Help Wanted, Cuban boy, 16. Must know how to drive and willing to do other work in the laundry. Wow. It's very weird, it's very specific.

Yeah, other work, other work. I would like a 16-year-old boy. Hello, yes, I've answered the ad. Drive in and stuff. Sure, I have a license. I need you to drive and stuff. All right, sure, here you go. You're at your destination.

Wear stuff around and lift. Lift thing. Are your nipples leaking? What's going on right now? Carry me, carry me to the bed. Okay, all right, there you go, you're in the bed. All right, I'll go down there. Let's get off the clothes that need to be washed.

Okay, well, the ones you're wearing, but then you'll have to... Oh, sir, oh, sir, oh, sir, oh, sir. Sir, sir. Oh, how Cuban are you? I'm 100% sir, but this is ridiculous. Yeah. Okay, you know what?

Put the ad up again, I quit. I think we need to freeze that old guy's pork. My question, though, there was an immediate assumption that this was made by an old creepy man. This could have been an old creepy woman who was like... Sure, sure, yeah. I was a young Cuban boy, just to make sure he knows how to put oil on a woman's face.

Well, God bless her, if that's true. I think I'm okay. I think I'm okay. So this is just here in the classifieds? Remember when you said they're putting stuff into take-up space? Make sandwiches of sliced ham and cheese, then dip into a French toast batter

and fry in butter or margarine until both sides of the sandwich are golden brown. Serve with jelly, a tossed green salad, or tea or coffee. Serve with jelly? How high are you? This is truly like freshman year college stone drunk shit. I had a half a bottle of Bacardi lemon on my first blunt. Now I'm going to take a ham and cheese sandwich,

deep-fried, coated in jelly. Yeah, this very much feels like the 50s, where everything was just deep-fried with a side of bacon salami'd up and sauteed with butter. Well, I wish we could also show them today like, yeah, you had a little fun with that ham sandwich. We're putting Twinkies in the same batter. We've lost control.

Yeah, it is. Like when you go to the Wisconsin State Fair, you are genuinely like, just because we can doesn't mean we should. Oh, I know. You go to those state fairs and you go, I don't know why America has an obesity epidemic. I can't quite put my finger.

We deep-fried the carny, and we're going to eat his ribs. Ma'am. We're making everything into a cheese curd. It'll be great. I deep-fried. Oh, Graham, the cheese curds that I just had, I was in Minneapolis. And my god, deep-fried cheese curds.

It really is. It's still disgusting what the Midwest is doing with food. Yeah. But I'll tell you, you get a deep-fried. You're vegetarian too, right, Graham? Yeah, but I do remember. Are you vegan? For the most part.

You like wet cheese? You like wet cheese get? If you want to divert, they're just. You like a nice bag of dripping wet cheese? Like, there's no semblance anymore of the original. They're like, deep-fried pizza, deep-fried cheese. You're just like, what about tasting the thing? It's like, no, no, no.

No. We got a deep-fried. Got to put it in a pillow of fried. Only Wisconsin, only a state in America, would take cheese. The cheese curd, which is the fattest part of the cheese. Already bad, not a great decision. And then deep-fried, like we have to. Yeah, no, it really is.

It's just a double down where they're like, well, that's pretty bad for your heart. What if we popped it in a bunch of oil? That's pretty good. What if I took my Ford F-150 and put cheese curds in the back and deep-fried it and then fucked it and ate it? What if we did that?

Let's drive it off a ramp Duke's a hazard style into an ocean of bubble and vegetable oil. Set it on fire, and then we'll watch Aaron Rodgers sniff it in his eye a lot. We're going to eat Graham's truck. I still remember the first time I went on tour in the South. Like, you know those moments where you have like a photographic memory of that moment?

Like, the first time I saw a giant barrel of fat back, I just stood there staring at it. I'm like, this is literally just a barrel of slices of fat. Yeah, that's Henry. Oh, no, it's when I remember. God, I remember when I moved to LA and the movie Fargo came out. And people that had in like my acting class were only from like California or wherever.

We're like, do people really talk that way? I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, they do. Like, and I remember telling all of the stories like when I was in the comic, first of all, growing up in Wisconsin and living in Chicago and doing gigs in the upper peninsula of Michigan, just driving all over and then being like what the food choices are. And people were like, no, I go, yeah, just you wait.

I'll tell you, this is another story too. When I was doing, we were on the road with Doug and we were shooting a little mini like doc series about him on the road. And we were driving with a camera crew from like, we were doing like Minneapolis, then Madison, and like Lincoln, Omaha, Kansas. We were driving across like the planes.

And they like the camera crew in the car and we're like, you know, around 12, around noon, you know, we'll stop for lunch. And Doug and I go, well, hopefully we'll find like either a Chili's or a TGA Fridays or something. And the LA camera crew was like, oh, yeah, we're not eating there. We're like, okay, just wait.

We drive through this town and there's some horrifying tavern, then there's like a pizza place and a Kentucky fried chicken and a TGA Fridays. And we're like, there you go. There is the healthiest place in this county, right there, TGA Fridays. I used to, when I used to tour, especially in the South, I used to call Taco Bell the California Embassy.

I'll give you a great Taco Bell story. I was working, I was living in Chicago as a road company. It was working some small town way in downstate Illinois. So good like four or five hours south of Chicago, which people start having Southern accents down there. And it was doing some bowling alley lounge. And but they put us up in the hotel in the next town over because the bowling alley lounge town wasn't big enough.

And I remember talking to like the waitress at the lounge after the show and she's like, so where are you guys staying? Oh, we're in the next town over. They got us a hotel over there and she goes, oh, they just opened up a Taco Bell, man. You guys are so lucky. Wow.

I was like, I'm in Russia, Illinois. I'm like, well, you know, you can get a passport and just drive the 26 miles east to get to the big Taco Bell opening. Oh, that's where they got these new things called blue jeans. They take blue gin and they make a chalupa wrap. So you have taco for blue gin and you eat. Unbelievable.

All right. We got letters to the editor. Warns Public Editor. The United States Coast Guard has information to the United States Coast Guard. So this is a letter from Dwight McClellan, officer in charge of marine inspection. OK, so this is the Coast Guard is writing the paper.

Right, which is great. The United States Coast Guard has a post card to the effect that a certain mattress company of Miami, which is now out of business, had in stock a quantity of heavy canvas jackets filled with cotton and quilted, which it is alleged were sold as life jackets or life preservers. OK. Oh, wow. Good Lord. So wow.

So some guys like, yeah, that's right. They're life preservers. OK. Most of our men drown. Well, did they button them up? What's the name of your company? We call sinkies. We're we're we're under the deadweight umbrella of life preservers. It's called a lie preserver.

I didn't say the F. It's a lie preserver. You got card, John. Oh, my God, the jackets were used to protect the body of persons engaged in training dogs. The jackets were sold by this company to a wholesale hardware company of Miami who purchased them under the presumption that they were life saving equipment that could be used on board vessels. And in turn, they sold various qualities

to the business houses in this zone. Wait, but are they for humans or what's the dog? It's for a human. They were used as to protect people from dog attacks when you're training attack. That's what I thought you were saying. So the guy was like, all right. So we'll we're going to show you guys how to train with it.

Oh, my God, my arm, my arm, my fingers, my face. They're like, geez, the dogs really ripped through that. No, I think that they were so thick. That they worked for the dog. And so, no, they they sold them as life preservers, which would just be like putting on a anchor. Yes, it's going to fill with water and get heavier. Just I don't worry.

Help is on the way. Where do you go? I part of me likes the idea, though. That when you first started reading the story, the thing that popped into my mind was this mattress company that goes, we got all this extra cotton mattressing. I'm just making it up like preservers. Who the hell's going to know? And they said, that's kind of what I'm hoping this was about.

Yeah. Yeah, they were. Yeah, like someone had returned a bed and they'd be like, put it in a coat, we'll sell it to the coast. Put it in a coat, cut it up, put it in a coat. We'll sell it back to the wholesalers. They're idiots. The people down at the people that the docks are morons. They'll buy anything and say life preserver. I put a jacket full of old tunic cans and I wrote life preserver.

I was a fucking moron bought it. The dump. The public is warned that these jackets are not life preservers or buoyant and the use. Is that a problem? Do you need that in a life preserver buoyancy? And the use is just reading the tag before you jump in. This says non-boyant.

Yeah. And also not a life preserver. Like they really need to clarify that twice. Really, like really not, really not a life preserver. This is a life preserver. It's not buoyant, but this is a life preserver. It's different than a dog jacket. They're just like, Jack's drowning.

Throw them the, they just throw a car tire to him. Jesus Christ, that doesn't float either. Who'd you buy this shit from? Mattress Company. OK, I thought it's going to be a weird answer. The only life preservers permitted on vessels are stamped approved US Coast Guard. Well, there you go.

That's why you don't buy your life saving ocean materials from leads. I mean, somebody died, right? Well, you've got to hope that somewhere along the way, there was like a, it's like. Some guy just jumps in at six like a stone. That overcoat seemed a little bad, didn't it? I don't know.

We got these life preservers at shoe barn. I don't know why they're not working. It doesn't make sense. I'm not seeing any flaws with the plan or the purchase. No noise at Napanock. This is at Napanock, New York. Ben Feinberg, director of the Napanock Country Club in Napanock, New York.

Yeah, we know. I mean, we know. Was anything in Napanock happening? Dave, I'm sorry. Can I just jump in? Was this in any way geographically associated with Napanock? No, why would you think that?

A hunch. Scrupulously observed the rules of noise abatement week recently. Noise abatement week. There's a whole week? A week. So hey, everyone, next week, we're just totally going silent. Is everyone cool with that?

What? No, we have lives and careers. So just library rules for next week. Is it like a big promotion? Like get ready for Monk Week. It's silent week at Napanock. You will now take a journey inside yourself without communicating to other humans.

It'll run as self-diagnostic. There's a silence parade going down Main Street in Napanock. All talking will have their tongues cut out in Napanock. This is a statewide noise abatement week. So following the governor's. New York state. New York state is the quietest state. The one that can easily be quiet.

If you elect me, we will have one week where we all shut the fuck up. What the fuck you talking about? Stop it. Now shut the fuck up starting now. Everyone be quiet for a week. Fuck you. All right, starting now.

Quiet enough. It includes me. Zip it. Why don't you go fuck yourself? Stop talking, asshole. Look, we have six days, 23 hours, and 59 more minutes of this. Now silence. It's going to be unbelievable.

You got it, fuckface. I'm going to shut the fuck up. Someone beat the shit out of that guy. Fuck you. Napanock him out. Following the governor's statement that noise impairs human health and lowers efficiency, Feinberg said he installed muffled buzzers.

So this is just like superfluous noise will be silenced fully. No, it just it just says noise. I can't be talking. You cannot. I mean, we're having fun, but you can't get into the office and be like, all right, so look, we're New York State. We're done. We're done talking.

What if he just got elected because he's so fucking loud here? I got to get in the office. Or what if it's like he's what if he's got a huge bribery scandal so he's just like nobody talk for a week? That's the solution. I mean, does this apply like so then what there's no trains going?

There's nothing. Well, you can push it. You can push it. Nobody with a hammer. There's no construction happening that literally, literally a dead week. We're talking about a dead. So listen, for no, not listen.

OK, all construction places. We use Nerf, Nerf nails, Nerf hammers. You're allowed to stack and move. That's it. That's pretty much it. All right. Fineberg says he installed muffled buzzers in each room instead of the customary bell that loudspeakers replaced

the dinner gong. What? Wait, OK. Where is this? What is this? This is 1810? Is this an insane asylum? What happened?

Look, look, guys, we're going to have to chill on the dinner gongs. What? You mean this implementation of this amazing instrument that lets us know when it's time to slop? Yeah. Was that a big thing in 1951 in Naganoch? Was this dinner gongs?

Everybody. All right, hit the gong. The steak's ready. Here, put the jelly on the outside of the deep fried sandwich. Hit the gong. Let him know it's time. All war rub, all war rubber sold footwear.

What's in God's name? Where is this? What is in the government? Is it New York, baby? So New York, I can't believe this is maybe working or happening. A sign was posted at the entrance against excessive horn blowing and a slogan of no noise at Napa Nock Order.

All right, Napa Nock. So Napa Nock. This is just what the guy at the country called it. And is he, the governor is just putting it under Napa Nock? So the governor's like, no. Everywhere, do whatever you want. Napa Nock, we are just, we have had it up to here. We are done with your bullshit, Napa Nock.

Napa Nock it off. Napa Nock is just saying what they did for the governor's order. We're just getting a slice of town life at this country. The craziest city on the face of the Earth where everyone is fucking shit nuts. I mean, that's a documentary of like, what happens when you implement silencers on the city? Here, everyone, put your rubber on.

Like, that's it. Wow. Don't you care about the governor? You're honking your horn. No, you're right. I mean, the Rockettes definitely will probably wearing rubber shoes during that week, you know. Everybody took the week off.

One singular. Yeah, but it's also, having just been in New York, let's go. I am so in. Yeah, yeah, I agree. From 2 to 7 AM, everyone is like, we should back up. I lived there for five years, and I never got used to the noise. This is what I couldn't handle.

I was staying in a room where, again, no temperature control on your own. So if it's 50 outside, it's 80 where you sleep, and then you open a window, and you're just like, so I just have to live like Tom Hanks in big. Like, when he first gets to the city, and he hears like shootings, I was like, OK, cool. Good options.

Do you want to not sleep because of boiling heat, or would you like violence? Yeah, I was there for three days in October, and I was kind of like, do I need to come back to this town ever again? Shocking. Anyone who lives in New York to me at this point, it's shocking.

You know what, it's actually, it's a fun place to live in your 20s. Other than that, I don't know why anybody would do that. In our 20s. I don't know if that is still. Oh, right, right, right, it's totally changed. But it is now so goddamn expensive, it is out of control.

There's like. When I moved there, they were just, when I moved there, they were just, just had just cleaned up Times Square. So, it's before Times Square became like, it's like a 40 block like thing of just. Yeah, nightmare. Garbage now, yeah.

What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from The Dollar Podcast. The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy, as everyone's calling it.

Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio. March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio.

March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say, I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show.

I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then April 14th and April 15th,

I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild.

Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information and join me. Part of the Garmy, everyone's calling it that. Quit pushing back. You take a chance. That's the headline.

This is a bad one, I think. Like it. Repetition of a story, day in and day out, kills interest. It's the same old thing. And unless those who play a part in it are well known, few people read the story. I mean, how did this end up? This is just like, this guy, this is just some guy

who's like, I snuck into the paper. Yeah, just tell anyone that I snuck in. How'd you get in here? I'm an article. No, you're not. Quiet. Take a chance, would you? I feel like the guy at the printer press had had enough.

He's like, I read the same fucking thing every day when he's stupid stories. He's like, I'm gonna put my own story in. I think Lance at the printers popped a story in the paper. Yeah, Lance that always mumbles to himself and says someday everyone's gonna get it, that guy. Keep saying I'm gonna show you one of these days. Yeah, someday a real one will come.

He's the author of Take a Chance. Take a Chance, Lance. Take a Chance, Lance. 50 years ago, an automobile was as glamorous as an airplane is today. It's like anyone who starts with this, you're like, look, look, shut up. When anybody was killed in an automobile accident

half a century ago, newspapers played up the story about it. But since that time, considerably more than one million people have lost their lives in automobile accidents in the U.S., accounts of most of which did not appear in newspapers. Yeah, you know, this guy's right, they don't print. There's not enough paper that has a million articles about every person who died.

That's true. They don't cover all of it. Welcome to my new article. Nobody needs to say this. Yeah. Everyone, welcome to vehicular manslaughter daily. That's what he wanted. Okay, I think he's getting to the point here.

Today, almost an average of 100 persons daily lose their lives in automobile accidents and an average of more than 100 die as a result of accidents in homes. But the public hears only about a slight percentage of those fatalities. But practically all airplane, practically all airplane accidents are reported.

They make what we knew as men. Yeah, but they're lower frequency higher casualty. Shut up! I'm making a point! Lance! That's a goddamn airplane! Lance! Particularly when the fatalities are as many

as occurred off Key West in the collision of the Navy training plane and a DC-4 Cubana, a subsidiary of Pan American Airways. Okay, this is getting really weird. It's very nuts and bolts now. He's like, now, let me walk you to why I'm doing this. My friend Ted was out of plane. So this guy's point is people die all the time.

Yes. Just because they die in that, just because they got killed by the garage door doesn't make any difference than when two planes collide over Key West. But what is his personal gripe? What is he saying there about the like? He's upset that there's too much talk

about an accident between them. The Navy training plane. Okay. So he's like we- And a DC-4 Cubana. Sure, sure. Which I'm sure that's probably an accident that had happened recently

that dominated the news cycle down there. For sure. Right. What we need to do is bring this guy to the CNN during the Malaysian plane incident. Yeah. Goddamn, son of a bitch! They built a set?

Oh my God! And the other thing too, in his verbiage, he sounds very much like the car death thing is a cover-up. Like why are they hiding that from us? Like, there's car accidents? I mean, and people die in their homes every day and it's like a cup, like-

He doesn't, he doesn't- Well, but again- He's just saying- He's saying people die. What do you- Yeah, but the reason why an airplane gets more coverage is because it's less common and it's higher fatality. So it's like-

Yeah, you're right. A guy dies. A guy, yeah, a guy dies from a garage door. Yeah, it's nuts. But that's one guy. We're talking about like 280 people in one pop. Yeah, you're probably gonna talk about it a little more. Yeah, no, when a car crashes,

it's not 50 dead strewn over 200 feet in an explosion. It's just a car. Yeah, if a clown car crashes and it's 250, then it's like, all right, let's dance. Right, and the dead bodies keep coming out of the side like that. Jesus Christ. How many are there in there?

This is 7,000 clowns? 7,000 clowns? 15,000 killed in this Mazda. What? Yeah. Every time one comes out, a dead body comes out, somebody honks and goes, brrr, brrr, what is that face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were so appalled by the crash of the planes causing the death of 43 persons, we gave little thought to the fact that it was the first accident that a Cubana airliner had experienced in 17 years of service. This guy, so he wants us to talk about it? Between Miami and Havana.

This guy, what does he want? He's saying, I don't know what he wants. The only way the comparative percentage of deaths in automobile and airplane accidents could be determined would be to ascertain the number of cars and planes that are in operation. So he, and then he's gonna go through the math, which we're not gonna go into.

This guy, this is an article that should be called shut the fuck up, Jim. Yeah, this is a little, I actually, I enjoy it. You know what? This is like pre-Andy Rooney. Why are they always talking? Why are they always talking about the plane crashes? People die in car accidents all the time.

To me, if someone dies in a car, I find that to be tragic. But planes, that's way more than trains or anything else. Let's walk through it. And also, is mustard a condiment or is it an extra? I mean, he was, because my parents are to watch 60 minutes every week and he just drove, he drove me insane.

Why do they put the orange rim around the decaf? Should a decaf just have a completely different colored pot? I was at the restaurant the other day and I asked for decaf and when she brought it over, I said, why has it got that big orange rim? Why do they call an orange, orange? Why don't they call a banana, a banana are yellow. I just want to peel it and eat it.

This, this guy. If you keep it in your pocket, why is it called a handkerchief? Shouldn't you keep it inside your hand? That's all he did. It was in forever and people, I remember when I was growing up, I was like, who is this guy who's mostly eyebrow?

And they were just like, this guy just bitches about everything. I was like, what a gig. What a gig. If it's stationary, why is it called rock and roll? Shouldn't it be called still and roll? And if it's not rolling, shouldn't it just be called still?

Things like the lead zeppelins of the world have really poisoned the minds of a generation when it comes to what the action verb really is. Thanks, Andy, for really. Thank you, Andy. I'm making a million dollars a year. Yeah, I work 10 minutes a week on something I came up with 30 seconds before we shot it.

How am I gonna prove it? They're not made of lace. Shouldn't they be called shoe laces? Wouldn't they make more sense to call them shoe strings? It's time to think about. This is a story, AP story out of Ontario, California. Rooster crowing brings fine. The cock that crowed in the morning.

It better not be a knackinock. Find it, find it. The crock that crowed in the morning. Actually, just pornic clarification. This actually did happen in knackinock and that's where the rubber chicken was invented. GrahamEllen.com, goodnight everybody, thanks so much. Graham, get out of the Zoom.

Somehow get out. I wouldn't put my arms up for that. I just won the internet today. The cock that crowed in the morning proved the undoing of Isabella Houlton of Salinas, California. He stopped at a gas station at 5.45 a.m. and a couple of passing policemen were attracted by the lusty crowing of a rooster.

The officers said they found six gang cocks in the back of Houlton's truck. What is happening? They're like, wow. He was fined $25 for illegal possession. I want to bang whatever's making that noise. Lusty. He must have been coming back from cock fights at 5.45 a.m.

and they were in his truck and he was gassing up and they were crowing so the cops stopped because a guy had roosters in his truck at 6 a.m. and they were turned out to be fighting roosters. Well, if you're gonna be driving with contraband cock at 6 a.m. You know what happens at 6 a.m.? They fucking go crazy.

Like, you're on the clock. You're on the clock. You're on the clock. If you were at cock fights, you really have to get home before the sun comes up. Absolutely. You're fucked. Look, we'll continue it tomorrow night.

They're about to go crazy. The cops will know we're back here. Hurry, motherfucker, hurry, hurry, hurry. And that's what the 25 bucks was really like. You should have known better. You always get the cock back before sun up. You know this. You're right.

How come the roosters make a noise at that time of day? Wouldn't it make more sense for their clocks to be set at 9 a.m.? Why do we turn the clocks back at all? Why is it called daylight savings when you actually lose an hour? Who hasn't turned off the podcast at this point? What is a podcast?

It's really more of a pocket radio show. OK, this is this guy's a column called Let's Face It. Oh, boy. Let's Face It by George Ambré. I'm afraid I've got bad news. The Andy Rooney voice might be coming back again. I'm dying. Let's Face It.

I think this guy's a minister. The character found at home. Couldn't it be called tomato sauce? Ketchup doesn't make any sense. It's not getting away from you. You don't need to chase. It's all right. The character found at home always

is carried over into all other areas of life. Of all places where Home Character is predominantly released is in the life of the church. Junior Let's Go was fists and bites with his teeth because mother and daddy let him get away with it at home. OK, so there was clearly an incident at church. Wow. And now we have Junior Right the Preacher.

We have a minister with a column now shaming the family in public. Quit trying to eat your priests. Yeah, what did the kid do at church? He was trying to beat him up and eat him. Yeah, the temple finds full and sweet release at church. Well, that's a weird way to put it. But yeah, it may better not be Catholics.

But if this same temper flew the coop at the office or in school or almost anywhere else, there'd be a sentence to serve in prison. Well, if you bite in school, you don't actually go to prison. I don't know if he knows how elementary schools work, but it's not a prison offense. What do you know? Not a lot of felonies handed out in grammar school.

I'm pretty sure. But not so in the church. Here we have democracy at its best and at its worst. We take it all out on some dear soul or third heart. The preacher, the deacon, the Sunday school teacher or someone we know can't and wouldn't return the blows. None escapes this fault. Like the preacher who unwittingly said one Sunday morning,

my subject tonight is hell. If I feel tonight like I do this morning, I'm sure I'll be full of my subject. Dude. Dude, you need to calm your shit down. Wow. This is a great. There's a kid that's not behaving well at the church.

And this guy. He bit me. He bit me. He punched a bit me. This is like going on Twitter and tweeting about, you know, someone at work or whatever, or. Right. Yeah, you know, like this is what he's doing.

Everyone in accounting who's in a bad mood today, you need to chill out. Yeah. It's and it's clearly not a Catholic church because the priest could beat the shit out of you in a Catholic church. So he's like, that's what he's mad at that he couldn't like smack this kid is what it sounds like.

Yeah. And then it feels like the kids should be getting smacked more at home. So he's calling the parents out for raising a shitty kid. Yeah, an article. So yeah, I think that is exactly what he's doing. Yeah. OK, pretty cool.

It's awesome. Yeah. That's why my parents, you know, dropped the ball on a lot of areas, but pulling us out of Catholic, you know, out of Sunday school was one of the things I high-fived them for. Yeah. So I have an idea for a new new column

that I would like to write for your paper. It's called Fuck My Flock. And every week I write about one of the people in my in my church. I'll tell you what, I would go to this. I would go to this church, 100 percent. You see a kid trying to eat the priest. Just say, OK, he misunderstood when you wanted him to have a piece of the body. And then people and then people start trying to get in the paper

by just doing shit to him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. Whoever pooped in the holy water. That's not a toilet. Enough is enough. He's. My question, too, is after writing, I mean, again, this is far less anonymous than Twitter.

So he put this in the town's paper. This is a small everybody. Everybody knows. Everyone knows. And everyone's like, oh, that was the McKinley's kid. That was, you know, like, so he's. God, I wish we knew what the fallout from this was within what was next Sunday's. Yeah. You know, he did a sermon about it, too. Oh, God. Yeah.

Well, he wanted to do one about hell. If I had a kid and I was going to take a picture, I would 100 percent just name my kid Jesus. You can do that would be the style you'd be like that's the move. I think I'm going to do I tell the kid he's going to hell. That's what I would do. I'd say you're going to burn in hell on the night. Yeah, they got that. Nice. That's good. You're good. You're both not that.

So I'm a dad. I have two boys. Coroner's jury investigating the deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Roy Ness will convene today at 4 p.m. A new angle may be uncovered this afternoon when James Oliver, assistant foreman at the Walesville Dove Hermitson Company here, where Ness was employed, will testify that Ness frequently had trouble in getting his car into reverse instead of backing up. I speak for Graham and I when I say no question so far.

Instead of backing up Sunday morning at the time of the plunge into the water, the Ness machine jumped forward, rolling down a flight of steps and plunged into 25 feet of water at the seawall near the Samoa Club. What? So I got into his car, a guy got in his car. He was supposed to put it into reverse, but a guy at work is like he always put it in forward and then he drove down stairs and and then off the the seawall and into the sea and they don't.

That seems kind of deliberate. That seems a little bit like 25 lights of stairs. At some point, I think you can make a decision to stop or get out. Yeah, right. You can hit the brakes. But maybe there are some people that panic and hit the gas when they get into a 20 for Dave. 25 sets of stairs we're talking about. But at some point you have the moment where you go.

I think that's the gas. But let's let's the whole ordeal took 45 minutes. There is a co-worker here who is literally going to testify that Roy would always get in his car and instead of backing up, go forward. So this is a thing that he did over and over and over again. So Roy is a is a crazy man. Or every day he's like, this might be the day I'm going to die.

Why is he on the 25th floor? Is it like a part? What is it? It's not on the 25th floor. He he plunged 25 feet off the seawall. I made up stairs. I don't know where stairs came into my vision. Well, he did. No, he did. He he he rolled down a flight of steps.

Flight of stairs off the 25 feet. Right. OK. He went down. Oh, he's dead. He went down. He went down like stairs that go towards the sea or something. Right. Right. The seawall. OK. Yeah. All right.

And he's dead, right, Dave? Yeah. But also, you know, you can also have a seawall that doesn't like wouldn't be possible to be a ring. What are you going to need that for? You're never going to need that. You're not going to need that at any point. Hold on. Do you know Roy? You know. Yeah.

Yeah. No, we might we might need the seawall up for Roy. He's always he's always going forward when she go back. Well, I'm also saying in the future, it's like, what do you need a seawall for? The ocean stays where the ocean stays. Doesn't get angry. It doesn't move closer. It doesn't get higher.

It's never going to encroach what there's going to be a lot to talk about. Like what, Papa? Fire chief is something that Florida is going to be underwater in the next 15 years. Anyway, what's the next story? You had, you know, that makes me believe in God. Yeah. Yeah. Fire chief warns public once more.

Fire chief Leroy Torres warned again today against careless disposal of cigarette stubs and the lighting of trash fires. I agree with it. I agree with this campaign. What an amazing time. This is what everyone was just throwing their cigarettes into the trash and we're catching up fire all the time.

Yeah. And nobody connected the two like fire into like a thing full of dry paper could cause those two together might make a bad. Just me as the garbage, combusting a lot for no reason. Yeah. Why is the garbage so angry? Every time I throw a cigarette in it, it gets all hot in the box. That's yelling at me. Yesterday afternoon, the fire department was called to the rear of the town hotel on Simonton Street and put out a blazing pile of trash

close to buildings in the area. Torres commented that although the fire was extinguished in short order, it could have proved dangerous. He asked that the rules of safety ordinances be observed. Hey, dummies, these are flammable. It's also nice to be like like I like to keep the streets clean. So I put my lit cigarettes in the tinder. Jellyfish.

Nice. There are all sizes and kinds of jellyfish in the water out of the water around the week, around Key West. If you're a local person, there is no need of telling you this. However, new residents may sometimes be injured, though careless or ignorant. Through careless. This is a local paper. Look, we're not.

We can tell the citizens you already know this. But in this local paper, let's let the world know. It's in case there's a new person. Yeah. OK. So one guy's like, huh? I yeah, that's I really want to get the target audience of this article. I want to speak to them. This paper, it's like we have we have bears in my town,

like bears wander down here once in a while. So that you would put in this thing. Hey, there are those big giant hairy things. Don't feed them or walk up and try and take a picture. OK. All the locals know. All right. Don't. All right. Well, all right, Dave. So you sucked all the comedy opportunity out of this one.

What's next? What's the how do we transition? I think we ended. I think the shows are I think the podcast is over. Washed about by tides. They give you a queasy feeling just to look at them. Not I wrote a feature a few months ago under the name Bill Bond. It was about finally we figured out who Bill Bond was.

That's so weird. Why would you, I guess. So I've been writing a lot of articles under different names. I'm ghost writing a lot of this paper. This is again, there's three guys running this whole paper. So they just want to make it seem like they have this big newsroom. So they are outing himself. I'm Bill Bond. It was about the potential local dangers. And this is in parentheses.

Seems like that is all I ever write about. Wow. Hey, buddy, we don't need the inner monologue. It's so much going on. Is Christ somebody's Kathy left, Kathy left. Yeah, I feel like this guy's going through a tough time. And he's just happy left. This is like a midnight letter after a divorce or something like that in the dark. I've been siphoning gas out of my neighbor's car.

You know, it's just what's the point of any of it. Anyway, if you think about it, maybe fire solves everything. The jellyfish seem to understand things. All right, put it to print, Bob. Thanks, pal. Civilization is an unsolvable puzzle. We're merely pieces in a game that you can't win. Hey, John, the article went a little weird there, huh? You can't win anyway. Game stacked against you.

With new residents arriving, it might be well to keep these people informed. I'll try to revise and bring the story up to date. Great. Good stuff. So what are you giving yourself? Notes in your article? God, what? It's like in a movie, a character having a line like, this is bad dialogue. We'll fix it later. I feel like there's a sign in the newsroom that hangs out.

It just says first drafts only. Like we're just going to publish first drafts. No writing, no editing. Don't forget, peel back the curtain, let him in on the process. Hey, you know, you mumbled yourself all the time. We were thinking that would be a great article in the paper. Yeah, just get a dictaphone. That's it. The Key West first draft. Dad would party.

Sorry. Will we take great pride in the fact that we've never once hired an editor at this newspaper? No, here's the thing. Our paper, very different. You get you get the story and the internal monologue of the writer at the same time. Can I get a copy of the Sunday typo? The daily alcoholic rant from our journalists. Can we have that?

Yeah. Dagwood party held at YMCA. Servicemen were treated to plenty of free chow at a Dagwood party held at the YMCA last night in keeping with habits of the comic strip character. The men made super duper triple deck sandwiches and piled piled high with all the stuff that's necessary for a Dagwood special. Wow, a sandwich party. Wow. I mean, it's funny if anyone's like, oh, these kids today with their cosplays

and they're no, people have always been dumb. They were just dumb about some things like a Dagwood party. Sandwich porn. Yeah. Sandwich porn. One more, David. OK, one more. All right.

Test of honesty, cost bank one hundred and twelve dollars. A bank in Atlanta, Georgia, depending on time, a bank in Atlanta, Georgia, depending upon public honesty, recently put a large fishbowl of coins in the lobby and invited customers to make their own change. You fucking morons. They don't this is so this is before they knew our character. This is like, this is like, take a penny, leave a penny on steroids. This is we invite everyone to make our own change right here.

Why is it empty? How did it get empty so fast? Where did it go? There was a bunch of money and where the hell's the money? God damn it. And the bank going, oh, our community loves us. No one's going to be bitter that they got screwed over by the bank and want to take more out of it. No, that'll be that will never happen here. That's interesting, isn't it?

That's interesting, isn't it? After trying the experiment for five weeks and losing five weeks, they just for five weeks. Yeah, they were like, they'll get sick of it. They'll get sick of it. They'll get they'll come around. They'll start to. I think a lot of them just didn't understand what we wanted for a while. And losing a hundred and twelve dollars in the last two.

So they in two weeks, that's five days. That's five days a week back then, only nine to probably three. They lost 50. No, yeah. Fifty seven dollars, fifty six. Yeah, fifty six dollars a week. So five dollars, ten dollars a day, eleven dollars a day. Right. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, every day the the bank was reverted.

Did they did they did they take it all again? Yeah. Yeah, they took it all. That's not right tomorrow. Yeah, we'll just do it a couple more weeks. The bank is now scrapping its take any key for the safety deposit box vault. How the bank now abandoning there. How much is your check honestly worth policy? Write your own monthly statement.

Those programs. How much money do you remember having in your account? And our course, the new program, mortgage mortgage, where you don't have to pay it anymore if you don't want. But we're going to hope you do the right thing. Do you promise you own it? Well, that's kind of what they did in the housing crisis, except the reverse. I was just going to say, it's a reverse. No, no, we own the house.

What do you mean? What? Wait, we found this page. But the housing crisis is is Obama passed all these great pieces of legislation. So it's not like it's about to happen in the next three to nine months. It's over. We fixed it. Next. OK, so the bank was reverted to the ancient and honorable custom

of counting its coins in connection with the art of making change. Do you promise you're the founder of this bank? Do you know how much it's worth in today's money? If you did so one hundred and twelve. Oh, that's that's sorry. I'll do that. Let me do that. How much do you think it is? What do you guys think it is? It's not that different.

I mean, I would say, I don't know, maybe. Five to seven hundred. I'd say it's closer to like five to seven grand. It is five to seven grand. It is five to seven grand. It is four thousand six hundred and fifty three. I mean, every day, every day. That's over the whole.

That's over the whole time over the whole time. OK, OK, but still five grand over seven weeks because you're putting money in a fishbowl. It's great. Just about expecting, expecting people to be like, why don't people want to be good to banks that's just under a grand a week? So you're talking just under two hundred and fifty dollars a day. People are just going in today. Yeah, just like, why are you going to the bank again? Ted, I've just I've been taking about a hundred dollars out of it every day.

They got these guys. This is an idiot bank. Oh my God. Sir, sir, did you put money in there when you took it out? I fuck you. I'm allowed to do what I want. No, you're right. Just I think I could come in here every day just stuff in your pockets. I mean, spiritually, I put I put more in than I took out. I mean, so yeah, I put I took out thirty dollars, but I put some Christ in there. So yeah, I consider way more Christ in that bowl than money.

I put in a nickel and I took out seventy five. Great policy, dumbass. This guy's a real jerk. A lot of our customers are real jerks. I bet what happened was the first couple of weeks, it was like, you know, they were losing like a dollar or two, but then all all the like hobos and then they got cocky. This is amazing.

Hey, I took it all out and then I I took it all out and then I pooped in it. You guys are morons. This guy's really I'm not a customer base. I bet you even like the first week and a half. They probably the bank made a little money when hey, this is we got to keep this going. And then the word got around this bank is a bunch of morons. So just take whatever you can get out of these idiots and then yeah, it's empty again. What's that piece of paper at the bottom? Some guy just drew a middle finger.

Yeah, you guys closed on my house. Thanks for the fucking seventy three dollars and quarters. Sucko. It's just it's just a goldfish bowl for change, sir. This isn't we don't need your life story. Now, how much life savings did you say you had? Graham, thank you for joining us and winning the past times this week. You're special manifested on the All Things Comedy YouTube page.

You're a fighter. You're a lover. Go ahead. Yeah, you are a fighter. I was going to say the median house price in Florida in 1950 was six thousand six hundred dollars. So almost the price of the house. They lost the price of a house in a bullet change. I mean, there's so much numerical contortion going on there. My brain almost can't process it. But thank you, Graham. Everyone go watch Graham's special because Graham's hilarious

and a very great political mind, if I do say so. Thanks for having me. Wish him luck with his battle with the sea. Yes. Yes, he will best preside and if any of us. Some of these days. You'll miss me, honey. Some of these days.

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Get up to 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at HelloFresh.ca. That's 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at HelloFresh.ca. With code dollop 20. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from the dollop podcast. The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand up comedy I'm doing on the road. I'm all over this great nation of ours.

Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. March 15th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 16th, Columbus, Ohio. March 17th, Dayton, Ohio.

March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha.

Then April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th, which is a Wednesday. Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington. Come on out. Then April 13th, back to regular stand-up at the Spokane Comedy Club.

And then April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. Then May 18th, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming, like July 12th and July 13th. I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut.

It's wild. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th. And that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com to get tickets and information. And join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that. We'll be right back.