The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 18 -The Past Times with Debra DiGiovanni

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Debra DiGiovanni  New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch   Hello Fresh

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Hello Fresh, America's number one meal kit. All right, everybody. Welcome to the pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Debra D. Giovanni, hello Debra.

Hello, how are you? I'm all right, I'm all right. Things are happening, the world's going great. Yes, things are, everything's very good. Everything is better almost than it was. I think by the end of this podcast, everything's going to be pretty good. You're hilarious, that's why I asked you to be on this.

You and I met in a really weird way. That was weird. I don't even really remember what it was, but it was fun. The combination of it being pre-pandemic times and that we were there just commenting on a video game in a studio. That was weird, but it was very fun. I just remember that you have one of those days

where you literally just made me laugh the entire time. We just had a giggle fest. We just had a giggle, it was fun. And you will be on the road and the best thing to do to find out where you're going to be is to go to your website, which is debredegee.com and that's d-e-b-r-a-d-g dot com. So go there and check you out.

And that's the same Instagram too, same for Instagram, because that's, I mean really, I feel like I communicate the most through Instagram now, don't you feel like? That's your spot. That's how I talk to my wife. Is that how you do it? That's nice.

Really weird thing to say. All right. Do you tick tock? Now it's like, I have to tick tock. It's a lot of it. It tick tocks too much. It's a lot of it. I'm on it and I just, it's a nightmare.

Everything's a nightmare. Everything. Just a total nightmare. We're living in a nightmare, it's great. It just was so easy when it was just like, put out your hour. Before we knew better. Like putting out your hour now is weird.

And I just put it out. And it's just really weird to be like, I did an hour. It's like, what? I'm looking for like 30 seconds, buddy. Yeah. Okay, so this newspaper could be from anywhere from like 1640, Dave? What?

Do you know what you're gonna read yet, Dave? Do you know? I picked it out yesterday, yeah. Okay, good. So we like to have a guess here. We kind of prices right it, if you are over, you win nothing. And if you're within 10 years, you get both papers.

So, I'll start and I'm gonna guess, I'm gonna guess 1885. And Debra, you're more than welcome to just take a stab. I'm gonna go, if it was real prices right, then I would be a jerk and I would say 1856 or something. But I'm not gonna do that. Thank you for not. Yeah, because I hate those people.

I'm gonna say 1720. That's pretty good. That's the, I feel like a year. I feel like that was the last one we did. The last one I think was actually 1720. Okay, so then I'm not gonna win then is what you're gonna say. Well, you're maybe like a Jason's paper psychic.

Okay, I could sit within 10. I sit within 10. Yes. Garrett, this is the closest you've ever been. 1881. Whoa, baby. Whoa, that was like a good year. Now, what's great is it has no impact on anything.

Anything at all. Totally useless thing to say. All right, so the date is October 1st, 1881. And the paper is the Daily Illinois State Journal, which is at a Springfield. Okay. Okay, okay. No jokes yet.

Page one is a lot of mishmash of stuff. So we find, we find these papers are organized very bizarrely. Oh, front page sometimes Dave's like, you don't want to know the front page. Nothing. Okay. It's a sort of bizarre.

So this is the little tiny snippets of like what's happened around the country. And this is Thomas Olson, who murdered Alt Freen at Aurora, Illinois Saturday night has been placed in jail at Ein to forestall a lynching. He is a complete nervous wreck. Oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

First of all. What's got him? I like how murder always leads. You know what I mean? We're always, it happened in 1881. It's happening as we speak. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's still happening. I like, although apparently they have a better, they have a better system. The murder has already been caught and is almost going to be lynched soon. Yeah. It's nice. Now they would potentially be on the street,

depending on who's the president. Absolutely, absolutely. And he's, and what do you think he's, what's he, yeah, nervous wreck because he's going to be hanged. Well. Yeah. He's, yeah.

You can't, how, you can't feel that great when there's like a mob outside. You're probably a little nervous, a little nervous. Yeah. That reporter was like, this is an interesting lead. This guy's, this guy's freaking out. What would you say your mood is? What would you say your mood is?

You seem kind of anxious, excited. Am I reading you right or wrong? What's your deal right now? Oh my God. You know, I mean, you've got to be nervous. He probably had his like noose fitting earlier. Do you know, I assume later that. That, like the noose, the noose tailor.

Oh, the worst. Oh, you just slipped out of it. We got to get a noose tailor. We got a noose tailor. We got a loose noose. They just slipped right through there. Right there. I was like, and now we got to legally let him go.

I know. That's it. If you get out of the noose, you are free. That fall. Go, that is lucky. That is like a hot knife through butter. They would say if they had knives or butter, but I don't think they do in 1880s.

I think they had butter. They had butter. Did they? The, the, the tailor, the noose tailor. Going into the cell just like, it's so sorry that this is. Can you actually just, you're clenching your throat a little. Can you let it loosen it up? Relax.

I just am trying to get a circumference. That's perfect. Well, good luck out there. I'll see you. Godspeed. I hope you slip out. I, I, I love my job and I hate my job. You know what I mean?

It's just. What was he like in there? Well, between us, he was a bit of a nervous wreck. Something, something was up his ass. And then, and then he, and then that's when the guy runs to the phone booths and hits them and they fall over. I got, boss, something interesting is going on. What do you mean we don't have phones yet?

Oh, shit. Here's another one. Miss A.C. Bennett of London, the New Hampshire, who has been partially insane since the loss of her. Partially. Oh, just. Half, half insane. A flit, a tinge.

Has been partially insane since the loss of her son in the battle of Charlottesville, tried to cleave her husband's head with an axe, inflicting a mortal wound. Well, then she didn't try. She did. Dave. It's attempted murder. And then he passed away.

And then, okay, come on. She tried. She did. Like, I guess she just didn't split his head open, but it killed him, is that what they're saying? Yeah, because I guess she didn't, like, literally behead him. So in her eyes, that's a fail. And the eyes of Lady Justice.

Yes, in whatever they are. That is, beheading his murder, he died from blood loss. Very different. He died from nerves. He's also a nervous wreck. Let me say this. Okay, so she's partially insane because her son died in the war, so she chopped her husband's head off.

That's right. Are you saying the pieces of the puzzle don't fit? An eye for an eye and a life for a head. I mean, wow, cleavers, a cleaver too. Maybe they got in. Cleaved with an axe. So this is maybe before they, yeah, but it's like, why wouldn't you say, like, I don't feel like the verb cleaving is fair for.

Cleaving. Go ahead. There's nothing mistaken about an axe, either. That's a very deliberate. Yeah, I think it was an accident. I'll see you guys. Oh, good night, everyone. Bad app, bad app, bad app, bad app, bad app, bad app, bad app.

That works in 1881, buddy, but not here. It'll fly. My goodness, well, we've got a hot week of news. Hot start. Yeah. But you'll notice that the stories also are, it's not local, it's not local, like they'll report on anywhere. Yeah, that's all over.

It's just very different. Well, this one, she's from London? Where's she from? New Hampshire. Oh, New Hampshire. London, New Hampshire. All right. Well, back then it was just, was there an old Hampshire?

I'll stop. So something happened two weeks before this in the country. Charles Guteau shot the president. Oh, wow. So Garfield is not dead yet, but he's been shot and is probably going to die. So there's going to be a lot of Charles Guteau action in this one. I know. And Debra, you like me or already trying to think of the Garfield jokes, you're going

to have to resist. It won't be easy, but we're very good. So we're not going to do a bunch of Mondays, lasagna stuff. I mean, I thought of Nermal. I thought of, do you remember the little X1? You always send it to Abu Dhabi. I know. I'm sorry.

Shush. We're not going to. But we're better than this. I know that. But if we're going to do anything, we'll do some Nermal. I forgot about Nermal. With the eyelashes. Okay.

Come stop. Oh, just. Okay. I don't know why you guys are saying Garfield. Is this what was related to Garfield? Didn't you just say Garfield? Garfield. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. Shit. Sorry. Yeah. You made me feel like I was on acid. I was like, if he didn't say Garfield and I'm like Debra's, I was like thinking Debra is just sitting there going like, Hey, what's Gareth talking about and Debra will resist the Garfield jokes.

Dave's the crazy one. Okay. That's good. Oh my God. Yeah. That's because I was looking at the name. I was looking at the name Gato and I was like, why are they? What is?

Gato. Is there a character in Garfield named Gato? Oh my God. You said Odie. French Garfield. French Garfield. Oh my God. French Garfield.

I detest Lindy. Nice Lindy. Oh, so good. Close. Okay. The assassins concede the Herald prints a long biographical statement by Gato, in which he says, quote, I shot the president without malice or murderous intent. Yep.

100%. Okay. So far, murderers are bad or they try the wrong thing. He was just shooting him. That's all. It's done. I didn't want to hurt him. For sport.

Yeah. Just for sport. I shot him with the intent to live. A dirty look. I shot him a dirty look off. Yeah. Dinkai. Powerful.

I deny any liability in this case. That's amazing. This is just like, this is like OJ level. I'm putting the system on trial. We should probably tell Deborah that he cut off his testicles before he killed the president, shot, killed president. Yeah. There's little insight.

I forgot that. He removed his own testicles. Is this true? Is this true? Or is it? Yeah. Yeah. It's called preparation.

All right. All right. I guess without malicious intent, though, that's the thing. That's right. No malicious intent. He cleaved himself. A self-cleaving. He's hot.

Yeah. So just to get in the. So he's off. The mind of the man. Yes. He's a little, yeah. Okay. All right.

Let me look at my to-do list. Kills the president. Cannot forget to remove my gelatin. All right. I've got a big Tuesday and you know what I don't like is a Monday. I never had the slightest idea of removing Mr. Blaine or any member of the administration in bringing his autobiography to an end. Gatel makes the astounding statement that he wants a wife.

Oh my God. Wow. Quote, I am looking for a wife and see no objection to meeting it here. It. You thought Tinder was bad. I mean. You have to give it like he never stops, though. I just sort of, you know, there's some respect to that.

Also no testicles. He has no testicles. Yeah. Still looking for a wife. I do. They're right here. Not looking to be a father. No.

Don't want a family. Hello. I mean, it also shows you the, I don't want to say this guy has balls, but it's just so classic man to be like, and on top of all this, I'm single, looking to date. What do I like? Well, my likes are a bit of delusions and clams. You can see when I commit to something, I very much commit to it. I'll go all the way.

Nice. Okay. I am looking for a wife and see no objection in mentioning it here. I want an elegant Christian lady of wealth under 30, belonging to a first class family. Any such lady can address me in the most confidence. No. Come on. Buddy.

You see that? Guy. Come on. Hard for women to get a date even then. I don't want any old women. She must be hot with a rich family. I know. Wow.

Wow. Oh, man. That's real. You know, girls are too, they probably went for it too because they're all famous. Oh, my God, murderer, please. Oh, my God. Nothing changes. And then it ends, he declares that he will be nominated and elected president as Lincoln

and Garfield were by the act of God. Boy, this is quite a quote. This is quite a quote. This is really quite a run he's just gone on. Did he drop the mic? He shot his shot though. He really did. He shot his shot.

All right. What else can we do? Yep. I shot the president and now excuse me while I shoot my own. Writing of the shooting he says, I stood five or six feet behind him right in the middle of the room. And as he was in the act of walking away from me, I pulled out the revolver and fired. He straightened up and threw his head back and seemed to be perfectly bewildered.

What in God's name? He, the look on his face, he was so surprised. He did not see this coming, huh? When you shoot someone in the back, they usually are surprised. That's the thing. He really had no idea what it was. He thought it was a bee. Through his head back.

He did not seem to know what struck him. I looked at him. He did not drop and I thereupon pulled again. He dropped his head, seemed to reel and fell out. I do not know where the first shot hit. If I failed at the hollow of his back as I did not, can't read that. Oh, did not aim at any particular place. But I knew if I got those two bullets in his back, he would certainly go.

I was in a diagonal direction from the president to the Northwest. I was shooting from the Northwest. Where would you think I would shoot from? He doesn't know where he hit him, but he's a compass. But earlier he said, I deny any liability. Like, is his lawyer just sitting there tapping his shoulder? His lawyer is tapping his shoulder the whole time. Giving him the cut.

Hey, hey, you'll come on. Hey, wrap it up. Wrap it up. Come on. A lot of this. Treat me like you're nuts and cut it off. Come on. This is...

By the way, anyone want to buy a novelty coin purse? Sell some birdchop to the show. There's only one of these available. Only one. It's a nice bag. Gareth, the pastimes is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Hello Fresh, of course. You get farm fresh.

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I mentioned, I think, on the last one that when I cooked it for my mother couldn't get over it. Yeah, she couldn't. She's still thinking about it right now. She's in an insane asylum because her mind is stuck on... She's unable to move past it. The flatbread... The ricotta flatbread was that good.

Yeah, she was unable to. This is a sad story. Yeah, but it's still a good tale to tell people about. She's based... No, don't look. Give me that shoulder shake. She is... It's called memory lock.

And it's basically... They think she'll shake out of it, but the only way to do it is to just give her another recipe. Make more Hello Fresh. Yeah. She should try the quesadillas because that's another big fan of. Yeah, I've had those too. Hello Fresh has 40 week of recipes to choose from.

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Yeah, it's treasure. Oh, that's the other guy. This is out of Boston. A curious case. A curious case is that of Jenkins versus Jenkins, which came before Judge Lord yesterday. Judge Lord? This.

Yeah, he's a little cocky. Yeah. Yeah. I bet. Relax their doctor titles. Actually, I kind of want to be called Judge Lord now. Is that weird? It's very strange.

It's not okay. It's damning. But I like it. Miss Jenkins petitioned for a divorce on the ground that her husband had been unfaithful and that he had deserted her. The nerve. Jenkins.

Jenkins. It appeared from the evidence that Mr. Jenkins joined the Elijah Message Association founded by Joseph Curry, who pretended to be the prophet Elijah resurrected. Oh, man. This took a turn. Yeah, I said real fast. This is our cutting the nuts off of this story.

You two thought he'd just walked down on his wife, but there's a lot more. Even then, I was like, shitbag. It's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't. Excuse me. Have you never been around a prophet, miss? Curry got together a company of 100 persons who followed him

to Georgia where he proposed to establish a kingdom of heaven. I would not pick Georgia. What are you doing? Yeah. And then he got there and was like, actually, what's close to this? It's not great. Go back.

Everybody. Go back. Everybody. You're in the back. Can you hear it? Turn around. I totally fucked up. I didn't know what Georgia was like.

I thought this was Northwest. Jenkins was one of the company and Curry declared that believers in him should not die, but one of the party died. Well, isn't that just like some loose baller? There's so many cults. There's so many cults where that happens. And then someone dies.

And then everyone's like, and then they just are like, never mind that part. And people are like, OK. As they're like making clothes and shoes still like, hey, isn't it strange that he died? Yeah. He said he'd rise after he died and he never came back. And now we're at a funeral for him.

And everyone's just like, oh, um. So Curry said, Curry said that the person died because her faith was imperfect. The prophet was arrested by the local authorities on the charge of illegal intimacy with a female believer. Always. Well, that's why you have a cult. You have a cult to screw.

It's a whole point of cults. It's also got to be such a great feeling when you see your God in handcuffs going into a cop car and you're like, sort of weird that he's like in the back of the car, right? Just like Christ. Who do you think nailed Jesus to the cross? Cops.

So, oh, it yet, as you were saying, seeing him getting arrested yet Jenkins faith was unshaken and continued with his family to live for a time on cornbread and water. Wow. And jail. Okay. No, no. This is what the cult members were reading.

Oh, the people. Where's the church? I'm just thinking about the ball. Water inside. I am really constipated. Our diet is not fibrous. Your faith is weak. It's fine.

No, I can't. I can't go to the bathroom. It's been eight days. You're not supposed to go to the bathroom. He works in mysterious ways. Just shut up and eat your fucking cornbread. I was just saying to roughage a little salad, maybe a side salad.

He has not provided that because he has been arrested. He needed bail. Jenkins was finally persuaded to return to Boston with his family and soon after deserted them. This was the story of his wife. And Jenkins did not contradict it. On the contrary, he confirmed his wife's statements. You got to be fair enough.

This is what is amazing. This dude led a group of people. Someone died. He gets arrested and then he gets out and he's like, honey, I don't think this is going to work out. Are you leaving me? Yeah. He admitted everything.

She tells the story and he basically confirms it. He's like, yeah, that about covers it. Call leader, murder, desertion. Back again. That's it, cornbread. Can I get out of here? All right. I got to get moving.

You guys validate or? All right, it's either way. It doesn't matter. All right, well, good to catch up. All right. So our next story we have a little news out of Tennessee. Oh. A circus was exhibiting in the suburbs of Tullahoma yesterday

and had the usual crowd which assembles on such occasions. Sure. Like you do. There was also a row among those who had filled themselves with mean whiskey. Wow. A row of whiskey drunks. He's the mean, mean whiskey drunks. Mean whiskey drunks.

By the way, that's redundant. Yeah. Two or three heads were broken and one man, Doc Brown, was killed by a pistol shot. What? I think that's back to the future three. Yeah, that's the third one. It is.

Mary Steenburgen. We need the Jules Verne train. No. Mary Steenburgen. Steenburgen, thank you very much. I knew it. I got you back to the future back. Right away.

I got you back to the future. Wow. What was that on the story again? It was a lot. There was also the usual row among those who had filled themselves with mean whiskey. Mean whiskey. Two or three heads were broken and one man, Doc Brown, was killed by a pistol shot.

Two or three though. You couldn't take a second and confirm absolutely. Or maybe they were all broken together in a pile. I think Moe clunked their heads together like coconuts. Right? The excitement became so great that Mayor Aldellot had to increase the police force. All right. You go to the circus and people are like,

we don't need the elephants, just look at whiskey row. That's the show. The show is right over there. That's what should happen on a circus though. Doesn't it feel like it? I believe in the word circus, you should. It's the same as a circus. People got their head broken, Doc Brown got shot in the stomach.

That was a circus. That's a circus. I mean, we need to start. Honestly, we should start at sporting events being just in a very calm way. We're going to be drinking whiskey. You can actually go sit in this row. We're trying to clump you all together over here and start a whiskey fire. I would love it.

A ring of fire around the drinkers to keep them in there? Yeah. You know that doesn't keep whiskey drinkers in? They love to walk through fire. That's their favorite. That's the problem. It's the most flammable. And then there's always a moment.

Wait a second, wait a minute. I can do it. Hey, drink Tom's blood. We call it fireball. Next up, headline, an army of squirrels. Oh my God. Yay. Finally, we're animated.

Oh my God, I'm so excited. We're at the Pixar part of the paper. This is it. A special from Union City says, squirrels are crossing the Mississippi River. What? 50 miles south. Gentlemen, this is a way.

In fabulous numbers. In fabulous numbers. Oh my gosh. Wow. They are caught by the dozens, by men in skiffs. What does that mean? So they're like, they must be like netting them.

But also, if I'm on one side of the river, and there are squirrels crossing, I'm like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. There's something bad over there. Seriously, if they're crossing a body of water, picture that though. I see the lands are all up. Just skimming.

I'm just picturing them all like that little water ski squirrel. I'm picturing them all on water skis going across. I want that. Do you remember from the Go-Go's, would you remember the Go-Go's video vacation and they're all on the water skis? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just all of the big toe, not like one leg, one little squirrel boat. I don't like what I'm saying for these squirrels. Those are some fabulous numbers. Fabulous numbers. Fabulous numbers. Or maybe they were doing fabulous numbers.

I don't know. I assume they were. You're going to be big kid. It's up to you, New York. They They Okay.

They enter and pass through cornfields, destroying as they go. They are tearing up the country and hundreds are seeing crossing cast over the Tennessee River below Point Macon. The interior of Arkansas.

Oh my gosh. Which makes it seems to make sense. They're from the interior of Arkansas. These sound terrifying though. Can we admit this? These are scary squirrels. Well, I like that they're like

regionally trying to disparage them a little. You know, they're a podunk Arkansas squirrels. They probably date their squirrel cousins. They got more nuts than Godot. Or Gato, whatever it is. If it was a comedy club, they'd be going crazy.

They'd be like, and the next night they'd be like, not like those guys in Reef for City. Reef for City, I don't know. That's where I'm from. That's where the squirrels are from. I just like the visual of it.

They're all coming across the water. They've gotten to boats. How many squirrels is in the water right now? How many squirrels? Fabulous numbers. We're getting the boat. There's a lot of squirrels. We need to get some boats to pick them up.

What? There's a lot. Do you understand? We're worried about our corn. Oh my gosh. I hope there was a scratch one. Next, a little blurb. A terrible disease has appeared

in Platt County, Missouri, which is described by some as black smallpox and others as the original black scourge. Wow. It's victims wrought.

It's victims wrought before death and instances are given of their bodies falling to pieces while being prepared for burial. Fall to pieces. That's a leprosy vibe? Is that what we're talking about?

No. It's the falling apart thing. We used to call the black jenga where you just sort of fall over like a big bunch of jenga blocks from the disease. Wow.

1881. Don't touch Grandpa. He'll split into 18 pieces. Oh my god. That's terrible. So this is just one sentence. It's right below the disease one.

A corn with a hole in it is getting to be one of the most friendless things in the country. What? A corn with a hole in it is getting to be one of the most friendless things in the country.

What is that saying? That doesn't. Those words don't make sense together. They just don't. It's like someone wrote that out. Corn with a hole in it. Cornhole the game? Well that is pretty isolating.

That could be pretty isolating. Could it be cornhole? I can't. Do we know something about cornhole? Is there another meaning? What are we doing? A cornhole with a hole in it is turning out to be...

I mean... Are we talking a cob or just a kernel? A kernel is a small thing. Yeah. The game? Yes. This is a round when it was invented. What?

It says the game was first described in Highlander Wins 1883 patent. It is. This would be right around the beginning of cornhole. A corn with a hole in it? A corn with a hole in it? Yes. I'm becoming a detective.

I mean that's unbelievable what you just did. I mean it's a leap but wow. I mean that's amazing. But it makes sense because they're like well you got a beanbag and you got a hole. Things that are ubiquitous at this time. And are they saying that people...

I mean according to what we've made up... It's lonely. Now people are playing it so much this could be like the cell phones of 1881. You're right. Now they're isolated in their farmhouses. Mark's just spending all his time

with that corn with a hole in it. That's what they're saying. They're saying it's destroying lives. You unlocked the whole thing. I was literally thinking a corn of cob has a hole in it and then you just blew it open. I think you've won the podcast.

Not just because of that. Can we? Good. I think you've won the whole show. Everything from now on. And we were just talking about squirrels eating through corn so you could make that connection but you could cry on the prize. Look at that.

Oh my god. By the way the guy who invented it was like... Is that really an invention? Use of that term. Yeah. What do you call this game? Cornhole.

I don't love it. It's either that or bunghole. Come up with a third. Try a third. Let's see if our great detective mind can figure this one out. A good suggestion

from the New Haven Register. In sending old clothes to the Michigan sufferers slip a V so there was a flood. That's what they're talking about. In sending old clothes to the Michigan sufferers slip a V into the upper left hand

vest pocket. It will be a pleasant surprise for somebody that is in need of such a surprise. Do you know the answer to this, Dave? No, I have no idea what's happening. I don't love the mysteries where you don't have an answer. A volume?

Oh my god, wouldn't that be amazing? There's no volume. I have no... I try to google it. There's nothing. There it is. Well, when she swings and makes contact

she makes contact. She swings and misses. We call her a homerun hitter. She either knocks it out of the park or it's a disaster. But he did set you up. He set you up. It's like, all right, Deborah,

you can answer every question from this weird paper. Let's see how good you are. I never claimed to be good at this. I do too. I just want to know what the V is, though. I just try to google it. It's like a letter. There's not a lot of V.

V things? Someone's going to get... This always works. Someone who is listening knows and they're really mad at us. Oh yeah, they're so mad. In two and a half months you'll be like, what the fuck is this person talking about?

Actually, the V they said to Michigan was and you'll be like, I did a podcast? This is at a... Mississippi. New story to Mississippi. Edward Thompson. The Illinois paper. Edward Thompson arrested on a charge

that Samuel was acquitted at midnight. What? What? Yeah, but we know why. Remember, because back then judges would often hold court in pubs and drunk.

And they would get shit-faced and drink all night while rendering their decisions. Oh my god. But still. And that's why you'd show up to court and you'd be like, I mean, I got a shot. You really do. I got a shot.

Judge, before I make my statement, can I get you a beer? I mean... I don't allow it. Okay, so this dude, he stole a mule. That's his crime. That's his crime.

Edward Thompson arrested which is actually really cruel because mules get super, super attached to their people. Oh yeah, they get very attached. Edward. Now we hate you. Now we hate Edward.

Edward Thompson arrested on a charge of stealing a mule was acquitted at midnight. Midnight. What time's your court? About 11.30, 11.45 to 9. That's pretty good time. Early then. Well, I got 4 a.m.

Yeah. He is the son of the late Admiral Thompson C.B. of the British Navy and grandson of the British Admiral who led part of the forces under Nelson

to the Battle of Trafalgar. So this guy should be stealing mules. Total nepotism. He got acquitted though. Total nepotism. Oh, totes. That's how it works. You know,

I've always found your dad to be a big hero. Now, pardon me. I'm going to eat these chicken tenders and then we can get back to the case. Lady Thompson sent several hundred pounds from London to a lawyer to defender's son

who is said to have lived the life of a tramp for several years. Why? He's the guy who, he's the son who's like I don't want to live by your army rules. I'm not going to try the military.

I'm going to live in the forest, dad! Yes. I don't need your money. I took a horse. Yes. I took several horses. He's the equivalent of the son that's like, I don't need your money

but then goes to Coachella. That's right, that's right. Yeah, that's exactly who he is. He's, um, he's he's, uh, Chet Hanks. He's that asshole. 100%.

And then he's like, so what? I stole the week. Because he knows he's not going to, he knows he's not going to have to pay for his crimes. He's from a rich family. He's got midnight court. Midnight court. The drunkest judge boo. You know what I mean?

No, and that is actually an expression I remember my mother used to say was drunk as a judge sober as a lord. Oh my god. Oh drunk as a judge, I've heard drunk as a judge. Yeah, and then you were just like, what are you talking about? And then it's just like, well it comes to the fact that the judge is used to just get

shit-faced and salute. That's still a rule though. It feels like it's still a rule in many places. That still is. If I had my choices, I would want a drunk judge. I really would. I feel like I could charm a drunk judge. They put up a wall normally.

Yeah. I'm sorry, just to be clear, now the expression is sober as a judge drunk as an Alex Jones. Hey, we'll be right back. Mr. Scoville. I'm starting a story now. Rory. Mr. Scoville,

Gato's brother-in-law who will also be the assassin's counsel in the coming trial. Wow, he hired his... All right. Takes a most honorable position with reference to the defense.

He intimates that he will take no technical advantage. He intimates that he will take no technical advantage by pleading want of jurisdiction or anything of the sort. So he's not going to try to switch venues.

Okay. The only plea which he will enter will be that of insanity. And he says that if Gato is not insane, he should hang. Okay, I want a new lawyer. I mean, I think you really... I think you've really got

a lot going for you on the plea of insanity. I think you... You really aren't like... Yeah, all you... I mean, yeah, you're not in interest speeches like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, these are my clients

bald. He did this. Okay. And the defense rests. Good night. Can I get some jalapeno poppers for the judge? I got a good feeling. Okay.

I'm trying to figure out what they declared. I know they hung them, so... Okay, honestly, in 1881, I feel like hanging is better than going to a mental institution. In 1881... I mean, yeah. That's not a good time.

That's just like, let's end this. Unless you're going to cut off his balls, then it might be a good time. Then yes. Basically, they were like, boy, you really avoided that terrible thing. We're going to put mercury in you. That'll be fun.

Yeah, he was... He was just found guilty. They just didn't buy the insanity. Okay, so... The only plea... Oh, I did that part. In this, every sane man in the nation will... Oh, that he'll hang. Right.

So the only plea which he will enter will be that of insanity. Because not insane, he should hang. In this, every sane man in the nation will agree with him. There is a very general belief throughout the country that he is sane enough to hang. They just...

Look, we've all... We've all decided this guy... Look, I read about him. He cut off his balls. He cut off his balls. He's completely... He's got it together. I haven't seen one red flag so far. Except, honestly, knowing which way is northwest

is a little weird. Got it. But other than that... If they had had Twitter back then, it would have been awful. Oh, man. Francis Marion Youngblood of Franklin County, a leading un-reconstructed Democrat

delivered the oration at McClendon's borough on the Garfield Memorial Day. Oh, they had a Garfield Memorial Day. He's not dead yet. They had a Garfield Memorial Day. Well, that's not a good omen. Among other things...

Did Nermal speak at the other? Maybe he is dead. Maybe he is dead already. It would be really weird to be like, we're having the memorial service. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fight back there, please. We're in the middle of a speech. He lived quite a life,

and it's over now, for sure. I'm okay. I'm kind of... Why? Quit talking about me like I'm dead. All right. He lives behind a lovely wife and two lovely children.

Sirs, I am alive. We can only hope to learn a lot from a life well lived. Why do you talk about me? Because, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that a legacy keeps a man alive for a lot longer than the life he lived. I am alive. Shut the fuck up back there.

It's me, the alive president. For God's sake. Look, let's do the lunch now, and we'll... loose ends to tie up. Get the mercury. Get the mercury. Yes.

So this guy is giving a speech. Among other things, Mr. Youngblood said, so far as we have heard, but three men in all the United States have been known to sympathize with Gato. What?

What? Did he just say three? Yes. Three guys. Three. There's three guys. Don't mind it. Yeah.

And then he describes who they are. One was a section hand on an Iowa railroad I like him. Who was it once killed by his co-laborers? So... What? He must have said he was for the assassination.

And then they killed him. And they killed him. How was work today? Well, we killed the guy, but... What? Yeah, yeah. He had weird views, so... Anyway, train looks pretty good.

Tracks are good. And then Dan's dead because he said he wanted Garfield to die, so... So, we... We abhor murder. Where I come from.

You killed Dan. Yeah, Dan is dead. Dan has died, and we did kill him. That's right. Are you sure he wasn't just joking? Yeah, we talked about that for a while. He has a dry... Dry wit? That's what we kept saying.

He has a very dry wit. But, uh... Either way... He's dead. One was... One was a fellow in Ohio who had his jaws slapped by an indignant Union soldier.

Okay, so that guy got smacked. Yeah, so he got... He just slapped him. Better than what happened to the train guy. And... And one was Wheeler, a so-called Democratic editor

at Quincy, Illinois. Oh, Wheeler. Wheeler. He bastard. This paper is just taking a shot at the other paper. That's basically what's going on. Look, only three people in the country were happy.

Sorry? Are you sure? We got the numbers. Exactly three. Yeah, we did a death census. Oh, my God. Two... There's another one. Sorry. Sorry. It's just a blurb. It's a little blurb.

I feel like if I don't say it's new, then it can get confusing. The truth is, it almost doesn't matter because it could all be... We could still be in the squirrel story, and it would be like... They could all blend into one big day. Two Mormon priests

were rotten-egged at Green Hill, Ohio the other day for speaking disrespectfully of the late President Garfield because of his known hostility to polygamy. Wow. Fucking Mormons.

Man, there is a lot... That's about the priests. This story had quite... This branched off in a lot of directions. So the Mormons were like, oh, God, he's dead because now we won't be judged for taking our eight wives. And then someone was like,

throw those stink eggs at him. Oh, my God. Oh, here's some... This is exciting. Oh, no, wait. Oh, it's quite... You can't do that. It's just a thing about grapes. Sorry. The cheapest fruit now in the market is grapes.

They are very plenty this year and very good. Oh, great. Good to know. Let's... Hey, did you read the grape news? I haven't heard anything. Yeah, it says the grapes. There's a lot of them. And they're very good. Very good.

I'm reading the paper here. Grapes are good. That guy was like, I'm looking to get into some bigger stories. No, no, no, no. Cover this grape thing. That's got legs, kid. Go interview the grapes and the guys will pick them. That's a big story.

And the president was just assassinated by a guy who cut his nuts off during a number of fabulous squirrels chasing after people. Find out what's up with these grapes. Do they have seeds? And if they do, can you swallow them? More food news. Oh, good. Fun.

There is excitement in Boston over the advance... over the advance in the price of beans, which have risen $1 a barrel during the past few weeks. Take away her beans and what is left of Boston.

There's a lot. There's a lot to love there. A barrel of beans. I like that we used to do beans like oil. What's the cost per barrel? Saudi Arabia just they got all the bean money.

It's that royal family. And you take away the beans and what is Boston? I mean, it's in town nothing, exactly. Dog shit. Look at that. And then we have cheese news. Oh, my God.

An American cheese bore away the prize of a silver medal at the late great Catalan Dairy Show in Birmingham, England. Oh, that's where my family's from. Look at that. They probably know this story.

We've tried that cheese. The prize cheese was one of the largest ever made weighing 3 fourths of a ton. It came from Iowa. Okay, so... Deborah, the cheese stuff back then that we've

learned is absolute madness. They used to take cheese on like parade tours. It's not even worth getting into too deep, but cheese there was a lot was going on. It was very big.

It was very important. And finding almost 2,000 pounds of cheese was someone did it and was like what do you think? That's a life well lived. Did they put this cheese on a boat and bring it to England?

Is that what you're telling me? They definitely did. They put it on a wagon and they took it from Iowa. They had to take it from Iowa on a wagon. I don't know if a train maybe a train. And then they took it to New York

and then put it on a boat and it was good. It must... It's October so the journey must have started in the summer. It's like you're getting salt waters splashing onto it and you're just like is this worth it?

Are you pitching that they have the cheese just on the deck? Yeah, I am. I do see a large triangle of cheese on some sort of skateboard type rolly thing. I... Everything that you said except mine

was circular. I just had a slice. To me it's like to me it's like they have a whale on deck. Yeah. Even they're even hosing the cheese down with milk though.

They're like keep it nice and creamy boys. Keep it breathing boys. There we go. A doctor like with a stethoscope like it's not great. He's like what can we do to make it a little more moist? He's like well I mean you're transporting 2,000 pounds of mold

across an ocean. It's not a great idea. You know what I'm saying? Oh you say it's not a great idea but wait and tell this cheese metals. It's gonna metal Birmingham. And then he wins the silver and turns around and looks at the captain. Yeah.

Oh my god. 88 men died to make this happen. Yeah. Now let's get her back on the boat and take her back as it is time for the cheese parade. Okay so next up Robert Ferguson who is a salesman

at the Queenswear establishment of BH Ferguson desires the journal to say he is not the person mentioned as having stolen some coats at Thomas Saloon. This statement is gladly made less than

an innocent person should be suspected. It's a very I can't believe I'm saying this. This is a strange story. Is he just trying to clear his name? Yeah you've just rocked us with squirrels the president's been shot by a ballless man

and now it's like I didn't take that from Thomas Bar from the bar. I didn't take those coats. I have a statement. I didn't take those coats. It's not me. It's a different guy for picking a bad.

So you're picking a bad week and trying to get this out there. There's fabulous numbers of squirrels. Grapes are unbelievable. You're getting back like back page bottom corner. That's what you're getting. I hate to tell you this sir.

You just got bumped by grapes are tasty. And plentiful. You know and plentiful. Alright we want to round it out Dave. Let's do two more Alright. Nicholas Ten Bosch

or Bosch. The same as Bosch. You ever seen Bosch? I don't think we're ready for a Bosch tangent yet. Nicholas Ten Bosch the chief of a Liverpool grainhouse who has been missing for six weeks was found by his wife

in the insane asylum at New York suffering from paralysis. That's it. And they just leave it there and that's all he... That's it but I feel like they have in the wrong hospital. He was in Liverpool and then

his wife found him in a New York hospital. Six weeks later. Yeah that's strange. And he's paralyzed. He's paralyzed. This is like overboard without the romance. Accompanied by a large piece of cheese. That could have been it.

He was a grain cheese. One of those people that survived the trip and it made him mad. They were like, we're moving it to a little higher up. And he's like, I don't know if this is going to... No! He can't move sir. He did not die in vain.

I do what he loved. Okay so yeah, six weeks missing insane asylum. Something's fishy. We found him. Where is he? Is he close by? He's in New York. Quite mad and can't walk.

He went so crazy. He stopped knowing how to use his body. So... The update's not great. You made that choice. She left him. She's like, okay nevermind. Stop looking. Let's be honest.

She's like, hey really? Look we found him but he's basically a crazy potato. That's it. Do you want him back? No. No. All right, here we go. The last one, final, wrapping it up. A monkey,

a headline is a monkey and parrot time. Okay, so let's just... Let's have a moment just to sort of say... You know, sometimes you're... Will it be a good story at the end or has the headline

got a monkey and parrot? Yep, great. Okay, go ahead. This is happening in Atlanta. Of course. After the performance of Koo's Circus at Carter'sville

a difficulty occurred between the circus men and deputy marshals and others. Sounds like more than a difficulty. Whiskey row? The circus men. Yeah.

A black man was shot dead and others on both sides badly beaten and bruised. Two circus men were shot. Whiskey was the cause! It's a different circus! It's a whole different circus. Okay, it's moral of the story.

No whiskey in circus tents. Like what are we doing? I'm actually going to push back on the rule and say only whiskey. I... Wow! Totally different circus. Totally different town.

Totally different circus. There's some investigators like, I'm just trying to piece together why this keeps happening. There's got to be something connected in these crimes. Aren't you men drunk on whiskey? Nothing yet.

Something has to be pinning them together. Looking at a cork board in the yard. I'll tell you, one day I'm going to figure it out. I think it's whiskey, sir. Get out of here, rookie idiot! I think it's whiskey, sir. Of course not whiskey.

A lion and bear escaped in the melee. I love it. Oh boy. How crazy was this fight? Together. Yeah. I mean, is the bear just being held by someone

in the cage and someone released it? Like, is someone running at someone and they stood near the cage and opened it up so the bear would run at them? Yeah. I don't know, but the bear walking out is great. It doesn't even bend his knees. He just slowly cruises out.

Bang! Yeah. That guy was hairy as hell. Well, it's a sad ending because the bear was killed. But the lion is still alive. Oh! The lion is at large.

Yeah. Lion on the run. I love it. And I love that we'll never, ever find out what happened to the lion. Never. I like to think he wants to do that. Well,

lovely ride as always. Deborah, thank you so much for joining us. I'm tired for giggling. I'm literally tired. That's good. Really, thank you so much. You are hilarious. So go to debreddg.com for information.

Yes, yes, yes. Good stuff. Thank you. Thank you so much, honestly. You're a pleasure as always. Appreciate it. Thank you. That's great. Bye! The dollop is brought to you

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So there you go. What did you and your mommy cook last? We had a ricotta flatbread veggie shepherd's pie. Me and your mom, we made balsamic tomato and herb chicken over a little bit of spaghetti. I don't think you did.

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on your first box at hellofresh.ca slash dollop20 with code dollop20. What's up, everybody? This is Gareth, not Gary from The Dollop Podcast. The show you're about to listen to. Listen, I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy I'm doing on the road.

I'm all over this great nation of ours. Be part of the Gareth Army or the Garmy as everyone's calling it. Everyone's calling it that. Don't look it up, but everyone's calling it that. Monday, March 13th, I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. March 14th, I'll be in Indianapolis. I'll be in Dayton, Ohio.

March 18th, I have two shows in Perrysburg, Ohio. March 19th, I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. March 21st, Lexington, Kentucky. March 22nd, I will be in St. Louis. March 23rd, I'll be in Kansas City. March 24th and 25th, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. March 26th, I'll be in Omaha.

Then, April 12th, I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it, so I really want people to come out to that. Then, April 12th, which is a Wednesday, Tacoma Comedy Club, Washington, come on out. Then, April 13th,

back to regular stand up at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then, April 14th and April 15th, I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at Last Best Comedy. Also, Los Angeles, my home city, kind of, whatever. May 5th, Friday, I'll be at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

Then, May 18th, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. More shows coming like July 12th or 13th, I'll be at the New York Comedy Club. One's in New York, one's in Connecticut, it's wild. Then, I'll be in Pittsburgh, July 15th, and that's all for now. Go to garethrenalds.com

to get tickets and information and join me. Be part of the Garmy. Everyone's calling it that. Quick, push it back.