The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 19 - The Past Times with Adam Conover

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian, podcaster, writer and TV host Adam Conover. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

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It's that's the biggest biggest bonus. So here's what you're gonna do You're gonna get up to 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hello fresh dot ca slash dollop 20 with code dollop 20 That's 20 free meals with purchase plus free shipping on your first box at hello fresh dot ca slash dollop 20 with code dollop 20 All right everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony

I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Adam Conover Adam Thank you for joining us on the past. Oh, I'm so excited to be here This is I love to go on a little walk through history, and that sounds like that's what we're gonna do today You know this is gonna be great, and when I was giving you the intro you do not remember this and I Years ago. I had to bring you up on stage at Gotham. Oh, I don't I forgot your name Oh, yeah, and I it was and I've had that done to me Mm-hmm, and I've done it to people and it was one of those ones where I knew your name and I just was like nervous and I fucked it up and

And I'm sorry, you know I got it right today We all have those things in our conscience that you know We did to other comics that we want to unburden ourselves of when we see them, but I didn't remember this and However, I'm happy to absolve you of your sins. Thank you made the effort, and that's all that matters Thank you. It's it's also it's also people shouldn't get that upset by that like you got a the other comic I think it's great guys like I had a guy once go this guy's a really really great friend And I just met him and I was like why is he doing that? And then he was like I forgot what your name was

I had Jim Hanks. I had Jim Hanks had to be held from attacking me on the stage Jim Hanks Because he was hosting a night of comedians in Sacramento. It's Tom Hanks brother He used to do stand-up and he was hosting and hosting a night Every time I turned around there's a couple more Hank's Apparently he said something about don't say anything about Tom like he was finally mad about it Oh, because all the Thomas kids name something so he said Nobody said anything else, but Tom just come up and do your act, and I didn't hear it and I went up an hour ago And he turned around and started coming rushing the stage they had to be held back. Oh, no

He was the angry Hanks it was like what if Tom Hanks was really really angry it was like the Entertainment would be able to hold that until after they'd perform this Sounds horrible. This is the receptacle that Tom Hanks put all of his anger and bad His sin eater, you know if Tom Hanks is the most genial wonderful guy on the planet who everyone loves but every bad emotion just entered into this horrible Figure of Jim Hanks is what I'm picturing He's an asshole so that Tom might be a nice guy and so we think that's right He was an anus so Tom could get Oscars

Ever dies Tom becomes Dave shut up Adam you have a great podcast called factually. Thank you Yeah, and a great follow as well on social media. Thank you You get yeah, you do great great threads great points. So just a great guy and even if you forget your name You're still you're kind of nice about it. You're not like a Jim Hanks No, I like to I said I was I you know, I forget the names of the guests we have on the podcast, you know So it happens. Yeah, we meet so many people in this business, you know Yes, yeah, like Jim Hanks. Um, okay, so Dave is a paper prepared. I always like to take a stab at what year it can be from

1600s Dave 1630 is about the first 1630 or recent And I'll take us I'll go. That's the history of newspapers. You just summarized so Anywhere in the history of news? Yes. Wow. All right. Yeah, but see for most like if someone said that to me That would not there would be no that wouldn't help me I'm gonna say 1840. I think he's gonna want to do something that we can kind of relate I'm gonna say that's very I'm gonna say from the from I'm gonna say it's from the Dark Ages of American history the period where You don't even really know what was happening. No one talks about it. I'm gonna say it was from around like

1904 like these are who even was the president. Nobody remembers. Yeah, you know Nobody knows it was one of those corrupt fat guys from a Thomas Nast cartoon, you know, it was a cat It's actually September 22nd 1832. Wow, okay. Oh What did I say? You said 1840 pretty good. I was way off. Yeah, that's the closest you need to be Yeah, I just right rolls though. I wouldn't get it. I went over. No And the paper is the Berwick Gazette from Berwick, Pennsylvania, which I had never heard of I still I didn't even look at about a map I don't know where it is. I wonder if it's still around. That's the how do you find?

How do you make the choice of paper? Do you mind me asking? I Just I there's a Newspapers.com which is a site that has all these old papers digitized and I just go through and pick a date and then start trying to find a paper That has enough thickness to it. Usually they're like one page or two pages If I have four eight pager, you know donkey head, you're like, I'm not sure. What is this? We did one from this we do one from the 1600s recently and that was like two pages, but it was just packed with I mean It was which which is being beaten and it was yeah, so you can get some. Yeah, okay, whatever. No one cares So page one it's exciting I got an exciting headline the bear without a bridal

Hmm. Okay. Yep. Okay, most bears are without bridals doesn't seem newsworthy. Yes, you would This was a time when a lot of bears were bridal Okay, oh dear. This is what a lot of people kept bears the back back in this time You had a bear in the bar and a bear in the you know, wherever people just have people have pet bears. Oh They were always like a lot of people had a bear in a bar and you would go in there and he'd be chained up in the corner I think Russia. I think Russia is still doing a lot of bear stuff. Yeah, we got to get back into that I think it's not like I don't think it's as much as they have them in bars They just seem to have a better open relationship with wild bears

From what I've seen on Instagram. So that's what it was bear baiting where they would kill a bear for fun I believe was that what that sport was? Oh, I thought that's where you know Jack That's totally different oh Among the early set of settlers of Worcester County in this state was a German By the name of four peck. Oh Foul peck. No, he says four peck or foul peck. It could be that he was an abs guy That's right, okay the wild tenets of the forest had not yet given place to man and

Four peck being employed on a certain time with some others in the manufacturing of maple sugar Saw a large bear coming among them Is this is this news or is this like an oral mythology? You'll find Back then there's a big crossover This is just a tale my grandmother told me a man named four peck was coming over the mountain He saw the trickster spirit go on And without counting the cost threw himself upon his back

Okay, so four peck jumped on the bear What I thought that meant that he kind of dropped down in like a Chromaga position or something, but so he jumps on the bears back Yeah, four peck jumps on the bear. They use pronouns more confusingly back then Yeah, much more much more confusingly. Well, I think Elon Musk would take issue with that Adam to be fair The the Bruin unaccustomed to this mode of Salutation wait a skit. Come on. He's saying the bear isn't used to that greeting. No, this is a no This is witty. This is a little bit of dry wick

You I'm sorry that you didn't You didn't get the tone of the Honestly, a lot of stuff goes over my head. Yeah, that's true What was it called? It's the Berkshire Sorry, or the Pittsburgh buckler either way like the Pittsburgh buckler could easily pass I got I hope there is a paper called that So

So the bear unaccustomed to this mode of Salutation began to make off as his load will permit Perhaps thinking like the man in the play That if so now he's referenced something. We have no idea about that's what just happened the man in the play a popular play It's it's a famous play at the time. Yeah, probably about a bear bear backing and we have no idea. Yeah If that was the way his new acquaintance backed his friends the devil take such backing That's in parentheses This is a this it must be this is like a funny short story. This is meant to be like a humorous

This is a humorous anecdote. This is this is a paper. This is the first article in a newspaper. Oh You'll all laugh when you hear about what he did Did you hear what happened in the forest when the men was syrup in? Oh And it was a trifle of music. Yeah, it's got that tone Okay, he could then he could not help turning around now and then to bite the leg of his daring rider Okay, so he bit the man so the guy yelled the guy yelled and then the the German yield and then the bear bit the German nevertheless Hardy German kept his seat in spite of the smart and and streams of blood which were

Trinkling down his legs Trinkling is the worst like the bear syrup in him He's badly wounded the blood is trickling It's what it's just a trick. It's trickling or it's trickling like trickle trickling trickling trickling beautiful trickling and Then he looked to the rider and said I'm full pack on Ceasar's jacuzb This is how the myth started for packing Jack

Well, yeah, yeah, I want to point out I think that this article is meant to be a racist joke about a German man Like this is they refer to him as German so many times. This is about look at what German did. Yeah Yeah, every single every article that names because then all these papers like the Irishman the Polish guy like they're all just Yes, the silly crowd types This is a clear stereotype of Like They do not care for the blood trickling down their legs Germans feel no pain

So the streams of blood which are trickling down his legs till one of the company came up knocked the weary bear on the head and Dispatch him. I mean come on Come on the bear the bear's tired This is how you got knocked out. He's how you kill a bear as you is you bonk him on the head. This is Yeah, you put a German on top of them to distract him and then you hit him on the head. This is by the way This is a cartoon. Yeah I just want to make sure everyone knows this paper is like from card. This is loony, too Yeah, they're they're describing a yogi bear episode. Yeah. Yeah, they really are

The Dutchman was justly proud of his exploit But when the excitement which had carried him through his perilous ride was over he exclaimed. Oh boy. This is Dartifel, I'll never ride a bear without a Priddle riddle Dartifel D-A-R-T-Y-F-I-L That's Dartifel, bud. Yeah, it's surprising the devil. I

Would imagine he's saying The devil I think you're saying that the devil on the right of bear this guy's Dutch because in German devil is TOYFL They're TOYFL. So it sounds like similar in Dutch as it would be. Yes. No, you're right. That. Yes, good That's exactly what it is. This is good but this is but this is a this is also a Sort of bastardization of the Dutch language written by an English person because MITOUT is the kind of thing only in English No Dutch person would say MITOUT That's like a combination of a German and English at least in this way

So it's this is definitely okay. It's just a part of it being a racist joke. That's awesome. Yes It's good you're here at him because we there would be no closure We would have no It would be halfway through the second article right now like oh man these Germans talk weird They are so stupid We got a lot we got a lot of feedback on our last episode for not knowing something. Oh, did we? Yeah, Jenkins ear. I guess was a big thing and people were not The divorce a married couple determined to be divorced

Wow, but not being able to agree with respect to the disposition of the children Referred the dispute to an aunt. I Can only imagine the man is trying to have no children Well, I like he's not fighting for custody. I didn't follow this story. Can you Walk me again, but I'm a little thrown off by a married couple determined to be divorced Mm-hmm, but not being able to agree with respect to the disposition of the children Referred the dispute to an aunt whose arbitration they respectfully agreed to submit So the aunt

The ants so they're gonna make the call. Yeah, yeah, this is a giant. Yeah. Yeah. I was this is a peacock. I've seen this Okay, so and that's one of their sisters. I'm pretty now Adam. I'll jump in here. I'm pretty good at lineage, too Please this is one of their sisters if it's an aunt So it's a bias judge. No, I don't know. I don't know if it's if it's Like the the wife of the husband's aunt or the child's aunt. Well, either way It's a bias here. It's definitely biased. Yeah, they're gonna they're gonna take sides quite quite easily Yeah, yeah, I can't wait to see where this goes Quote we have three children said the husband

I insist upon keeping two the third shall be left to the care of the mother Interesting. That's a classic. Yeah, that's it. Now. I like so you know, he's doing here. He doesn't like one You know, he's doing he's doing here. He's saying I want the boys. That's what he's saying. Yeah, I want the boys Right, you have the other one, right? But I said the mother have a right to two you care of one will be sufficient The care of one will be sufficient for you. So they're on opposite sides They both want two kids sure and the another one. They don't want I What if there's just a problem kid that they're like neither one of us want this one? I could see that

It's there's no way of settling there's no way of settling this dispute said the ant with the gravity of a judge But by waiting for the birth of a fourth child, then you separate upon equal terms That's great She's like she's ordering them to have sex each need to there needs to be another child that they're like this is a really bad judgment That's not what we don't need to throw more babies at this problem So does this newspaper only have like homilies and racist jokes in it? Is there any news in this paper? This didn't happen. This is a joke. He didn't happen. It's absolutely didn't happen This is totally a joke this decision restored good humor the contending

Parties embraced and the idea of a dorsal's forgotten. This isn't news Yeah, it is but they couldn't go many places. This is Designed for you to read the read the paper you're in Pittsburgh You're reading the buckler and you and you go honey get a load of this. That's all that Get a load of this a couple it says here Upon the you have a nice laugh and hard just it's hard to disprove I guess because you're like find them Go find this couple that doesn't exist. I can't I can only go in like three miles of here. I Think he didn't I think the guy writing this paper didn't have any news and was making stuff. I mean fundamentally

Newspaper printers were just guys who owned printing presses and they would just yeah, whatever they felt like good to try me Yeah, that's it. Yeah, whatever. Can you imagine living in a time of such misinformation? Or just some asshole can start writing and everyone believes it This one's called this is singular fact is what this is among the applicants for pensions before the vice chancellor's court in this county a few days since were two men a father and his son The former aged about 94 years and the latter 70 years They both served two years or more in the Revolutionary War and the father had been through the old French War While the son was giving his declaration to the court the father caused much laughter by

Occasionally correcting him with taught boy. You are mistaken. You are wrong boy The term boy applied to a war-worn veteran of 76 Who's whitened looks and wrinkled the visage event events extreme old age was irresistibly amusing Here is this I love the long explanation of the joke Explanation was longer than the joke the joke was and all and old man was called boy and that's funny but but then to go on and say His wizard visage the term the location boy applied to such a whitened frame Did bring a merry smile to the faces of all assembled goers. Like it's just oh, it's delightful

I want some do that every time I tell a joke It's strange for me to be back at that location asking a similar question you understand 94 is a reach to that's like I mean that that's back then that's a hundred and come on There's about as much possibility as of that happening as a German running a bear. Well, come on some of us still like to believe What's up everybody? This is Gareth not Gary from the dollop podcast the show you're about to listen to listen I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy. I'm doing on the road I'm all over this great nation of ours be part of the Gareth army or the garmy as everyone's calling it Everyone's calling it that don't look it up at everyone's calling it that Monday March 13th. I'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana March 14th

I'll be in Indianapolis March 15th Louisville, Kentucky March 16th Columbus, Ohio March 17th Dayton, Ohio March 18th I have two shows in Parisburg, Ohio March 19th. I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio March 21st Lexington, Kentucky March 22nd I will be in St. Louis March 23rd. I'll be in Kansas City March 24th and 25th I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa March 26th. I'll be in Omaha then April 12th I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it So I really want people to come out to that. That's April 12th Which is a Wednesday Tacoma comedy club Washington come on out then April 13th back to regular stand-up at the Spokane comedy club And then April 14th and April 15th. I'll be in Bozeman, Montana at last best comedy also Los Angeles

My home city kind of whatever May 5th Friday I'll be at the dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles then May 18th I'll be at stand-up live in Phoenix, Arizona more shows coming like July 12th and July 13th I'll be at the New York comedy club one's in New York one's in Connecticut. It's wild then I'll be in Pittsburgh July 15th And that's all for now go to gareth reynolds.com to get tickets and information and join me be part of the Garmie Everyone's calling it that quit push it back So there's an election coming up apparently because a lot of this is about an election Charleston, South Carolina politicians in that city

Operate upon a new principle instead of adopting our ordinary electioneering tricks Sometimes successfully practice they make prisoners of voters with a view to weaken the support of a rival candidate They imprison this they imprison the voters I'm sorry This article that you're mistaken this article comes from Georgia in the year 2022 doesn't it? You play any year to this one Both parties in South Carolina the Unionists and nullifiers

Sure have I never heard that well they have published Have yes, seriously have published affidavits and handbills each charging the other with having used this means to ensure success in Charleston Mercury we find a report of a Corners jury called to hold well called to hold an inquest over the body of Peter Jay Stump The evidence Adduced shows that the deceased was a decided member of the state's night's party That as he was passing to his residence He was seized by three or four Unionists taken to one of their election homes in Queen Street and

Locked up in the third story to prevent him from going to the polls Wow Yeah, I mean, that's this guy who votes hard. They're like, you know, no You're too good at this You can't be one election boy Surely that can't make much of a difference if there's three of you per voter and you I mean you only have so many locations I mean there weren't only so many, you know white landowners at the time Like I think a lot less people were voting in these elections. Yeah, that's true. I guess. Yeah, that's true. Yeah It was it was pretty smooth and you know figure controlling who gets the ballot and who's in the room is like that's the first

That's the first and last way you win an election and all democracies, you know, yeah Yeah That finding escape by fair means Impossible he leaped from the third story window to the ground. This guy really wants to vote Yeah, I also like that is like I've never wanted to vote that much. I've like left voting locations I'm like, this kind of looks a little shit. Honestly. Did you say he was a member of the states nights party? Yeah, the states night night, you know That's good can't be what you said. Oh

No, no, okay. No, you're right. It's not it's not it is not okay. Okay. Oh It's a little right states right number of the nullifier party. I looked it up the nullifier party was a pro-slavery Party that held that states could know nullify federal laws within their borders It was one of the very first third parties. So this guy is what is voting for slavery That's why he's so excited to jump out of the window and then he's the bad guy in a room He's put in a room and he's like the idea that you are trying to take away a man's freedom on a day Express what do you have any idea how fucked up this is? He burst through the window. He couldn't take 20 minutes. He's fighting for slavery. He's like I'm dying up here

So he leaped from the third story window to the ground by which he received a contusion in the head Which resulted in his That's the funniest conclusion of everything that we just said we just learned he's Heroically jumping out the window to go reinforce slavery and then and we all envisioned what's gonna happen next he falls out of the window and dies It's his head and dies I mean third story, I don't know why it didn't strike me as that's high I was like, all right. What do you get to do next hop offense? I was like, I'm gonna die. It's a pretty high leap What a perfect story

Yeah, I loved everything about that. They have the whole They have the laugh of David here of how it happened. Do you want me to read it? Sure. Have what how? Yeah Yeah, they have the affidavit before me personally appeared William Gilbert who being sworn deposeth That about 12 o'clock on Saturday night last this deponent was asleep in bed at his house in Switton line where he was awakened by some persons whom he could not distinguish as there was no light in the room But they attempted to entice him out by pretending to be union men Hey, buddy, come on. Hey, look at a party. Come on. We're union. You know, we're union guys

You know, we come in the middle of the night take you outside. I do think we're doing it. Yeah, it's called night reach Doesn't this entice you? Entice Failing in this they laid hold of him and dragged him out of bed That despite of the deponents resistance They dragged him downstairs and carried him bodily by force to the house of one Frank wood This is the 19th century version of Twitter instead of instead of people just tweeting at you and calling you Yeah, show up at your house grab you out of bed and take you to take you to an attic

I that sounds nice to me. That's like this is like hand. It is like handmade political harassment, you know the old-fashioned way Yeah, there's like a human touch to it. They look yeah They locked him up in a dirty filthy room That the person who shooed this deponent into the room was one William Gitzinger who said Quote he would rather have this deponent than a $20 bill. Oh Okay, you than a $20 bill. Well, that would have been like that'd be a couple thousand dollars probably at that time. So Yeah, yeah great. Yeah, I have a $20 bill There were several individuals in the room playing cards that's an interesting twist

Import tuned this deponent to drink He was he was sleeping 20 minutes ago This is like a 1990s graphic adventure game. Does that make sense? It's like you're like, oh, I'm stuck in the attic Well, while you're up here. Why don't you sit down with us for a round of cards and I'll tell you my life history We're also a casino guys. I just it is 3 30 The depot refused to drink and then he laid himself down and feigned to sleep You know a guy's I'm gonna I'm gonna take a nap here

I know I'm a person or is he just saying the guy fell asleep, but he's he's I pretended to fall asleep to trick him He pretended. Yeah. Yeah He affected this by climbing up Oh, so as they're busy with their game He affected this by climbing up the chimney and getting down the chimney of a neighboring house. He backwards and it's deponent Come on. He's getting backwards sanded What the that this that this deponent is a union man and knows no other motive why he should have been subjected to such a Ruffian outrage, but to deprive him of his right to suffrage. Okay, so that's actually

Different the difference for him. So yeah, cuz this guy didn't die It's the other guy this guy was anti-slavery. He was a unionist and also he lived to tell the tale You yeah, he did live to tell he said he had it's a heroic story of a man refusing to drink pretending to sleep and then Jimmy sweeping out That's right How does that's the affidavit? There's something missing from the affidavit, which is how did he cause a distraction while they were playing? That's not there at all. He's just like they're playing cards. So I just this is the best fake sleeper in the biz They were like, what do you keep looking over there for Ted? He's asleep Now come on. He must are you in or out? He must walk behind him. He must walk behind him. Yeah

This just made this guy one of those traveling snores Oh, this story comes from getting a little ashy in here, isn't it? Just focus on the game. You're right. He's definitely asleep On Friday evening August 31st, we had a most awful visitation While the Chief Justice was sitting in at the house of his son James a shock of lightning Prostrated before him his sons James and Edward his grandson John the son of Something Marshall and two other grandchildren John and Mary The fluid pervaded the whole house. Okay, so wait the house Everyone's in everyone's in the room. It's just a shitty way of saying

Bunch of people were in a room and lightning hit in yeah, and fluid is what's got me and people they were Prostrated meaning they were knocked to their feet. They were knocked down Yeah, and and the fluid pervade the fluid of their liquefied corpses That's what I'm hoping. That's what I was hoping for. I think I think they're talking about They're describing it as a fluid because this is the 1830s. Yeah, damn it right. They don't know I wanted them to I wanted like six grandchildren to be juiced Okay Messers Geo Alexander Henry Marshall and John a Thomas were also shocked. How many people are in this fucking house?

Oh, though. Yeah, yeah You're so spoiled Dave though It's like it's like having a it's like trying to rent a place in in Los Angeles in 2022 Although not prostrated. So those three did were not prostrated. So for 20 minutes all of the first five were considered dead the application That's it. It's quite a time. God The application of ice water was immediate and proved to be a I can't read that word In the restoration of all excuse me ice water brought him by water. They cool up. It's gareth. They

Yeah, they were they were just don't know Wiley Coyote. Okay, and And then just needed a little a little bath. Come on. I mean Honest come on. It's so like the the math is so 1840s. They're hot make them cold. They'll return It has worked The electricity is a fluid and so is water Five people dead and then ice watered back That was close. You all were dead. Oh This is a Chief Justice that all right

This is Chief Justice the Chief Justice Major Ambler and Thomas Marshall were in the room with the Suns But we're not injured Although so much shocked as not to see the lightning or hear the thunder the sufferers are all Recovering shocked was the wrong way of putting a happy story shocked was bad. Yeah, we were also shocked. Yeah, for sure Okay, that seems chill for sure We it's this whole thing is is it's too. It's too like weird news of the week. You dubious. I'm dubious Come on We got bad boy coming up, right? They found him again. They found him again. This is like the Daily Mail. You're like

Yeah, you have one of those friends who reads the Daily Mail and they're always telling you stuff They saw on the news and you're and you have to go you have a word you read that one and they go the Daily Mail Or they'll lie. They'll be like, it's not a few places. I Can tell you this next headline is not great for Adam's theory of it's the headline is curing a Now this is gonna be funny Yeah, this is a gentleman should be easy. Yeah, a Gentleman who had a long time fancied himself dying of a liver complaint was advised by dr. Crawford

To make an excursion into the state of Ohio A strong start. This is when this is when you cured liver issues by sending people Complaints, it's very different sir. What if you went to see your doctor and doctor was like go to Ohio? Get the fuck out of here Well, have you thought about walking to Ohio? Can't hurt After he writes it down on the prescription pad. I'm gonna want you to actually walk to Ohio Yeah, okay, when you get there give them this who is there anybody just go to Ohio

Any of the Ohio? After traveling three months returned home apparently in good health But upon receiving information of the death of his twin brother Who had actually died of cirrhosis of the liver? Wow, and Adam's Adam's gonna say it's a control experiment because one brother they both had liver But only one of them went to Ohio and so this yeah, this proves that going to Ohio cures liver disease Well, but it kills your twin so

You right, but that's only we can find out what cure liver disease is by finding to with liver disease and sending one You know, it's called medicine Well I sent a domain nothing He immediately staggered so this is the brother coming back He immediately staggered and falling down cried out. He was dead his the and had Though the the guy who came back from the living brother his brother's dead Yeah, but he now he goes. I'm dead and falling down he cried out He was dead and had as he always expected died of a liver

That's a horrendous ending. Now he came back He came back and said I'm dead you had your ending. This is a hat on a hat. We don't need this ending Dr. Crawford being sent for immediately attended and on being informed of the notion which had seized the hypo contract Immediately exclaimed. Oh, yes, the gentleman is certainly dead and it is a more than probable. His liver was the death of him However to ascertain the fact I will hasten to cut him open before Putification takes place guys, not great Okay Okay, there's a pretty good joke on a hypochondriac to be like oh that I'm gonna operate motherfucker

You know especially Also the idea of a hypochondriac being such a hypochondriac that they claim to be dead Yeah, I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead. Okay. Well, I guess let's do an autopsy Great very everyone's behaving in a very right here on the ground They're doing the usual autopsy right on the ground in the street He called for a carving knife and wedded it as a butcher would open a show sketch

Okay, what happens? He stepped up to him. He began to open his waistcoat The hypochondriac became so horribly frightened that he leaped up with agility with the agility of a rabbit crying out murder If you were near this this is the greatest thing I've ever seen This is the highlight of my life What if I hadn't walked this way today? Holy fuck was this good Murder He he ran off with the speed that would have defied a score of doctors to catch him

Okay After running a considerable distance until he was almost exhausted He halted and not finding the doctor to his heels soon became composed From that period this gentleman was never known to complain of his liver Nor had he for more than 20 years afterwards any symptoms of this disease How could I don't understand how Adam It's kind of like it's kind. I mean this is real news It's just a guy with a paper never heard a story like this is like street shirts

You know, but like ones where you'd be like, yeah, you'd hear the end. You'd be like, okay I gotta go I have I have a note. I have a note about this story though Which is what why all the stuff about he goes to Ohio and he comes back And then he had a twin brother who died of the liver disease just have it be Just the story works if it's just a guy who thinks he has liver disease and then he claims to be dead That's when the story gets started the beginning before the network. You there's just there were no network notes back then There's just before the editors there was no edit. I mean like you said, this is just some guy who's just like whatever

Yeah, and he's still an eight. He's still in eight pages. He's like I got a lot of I got a really so he's just padding the story Okay, this is uh, this is called domestic education One great cause of vanity And idleness that are so fast growing upon our young ladies is the absence of domestic education Here we go by domestic education I do not mean the sending of daughters into the kitchen some half dozen times to weary the cook And to boast of it the next day in the parlor

I mean two or three years spent with a mother assisting in her duties Instructing brothers and sisters and taking care of their own clothes This is the way to make them happy as well as good wives for being Early accustomed to the duties of life. They will sit lightly as well as gracefully upon them So He's like all right now that I hooked you with some jokes. Let's get to some commentary This is just the other thing the paper is for is like funny stories and trading tips about how to subjugate women That's you know

Just white man going the germans are funny. They were bit by a bear and when you beat your wife You want to use the back of your hand I like that he's like i'm not going to talk about tossing him in the kitchen. You're like, okay He's like they need to be in charge of clothes Okay, this guy not loving this as much either My god, but what time do modern girls have for the information of quiet domestic habits? Until 16 they go to school. Sometimes these years are judiciously spent and sometimes they are half-waisted Too often they are spent in acquiring the elements of a thousand sciences without being thoroughly acquainted with any

Or in any variety of accomplish accomplishments of very doubtful value to the people of modern fortune Dress and flattery will take up all their thoughts Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Oh With their selfie sticks Don't waste science on these women they will want dresses My god What time they have

To learn to be kind of spite sir stop light him someone give him the light What time have they to cultivate the still and gentle affections which most in every situation of life Have such an important effect on women's character I feel like tucker carlson could read this word for word on the air Oh, fuck. Yeah, I know you know what is is uh, who's the old guy who's on fox business news now And he's got the pearly white teeth and he's like, oh communist china It's so funny that I'm like, I think all of them are that guy like I was picturing like three other people too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god

Yeah, totally I'm gonna this one just goes on and on Just turn the volume down Makes you miss the brother story Okay, okay Okay, so What's up everybody? This is gareth not gary from the dollop podcast the show you're about to listen to listen I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy. I'm doing on the road

I'm all over this great nation of ours be part of the gareth army or the garmy as everyone's calling it Everyone's calling it that don't look it up. But everyone's calling it that Monday march 13th. I'll be in fort Wayne, indiana march 14th. I'll be in indianapolis march 15th Louisville, kentucky march 16th, columbus, ohio march 17th date in ohio march 18th I have two shows in perrysburg, ohio march 19th. I'll be in cleveland, ohio march 21st lexington, kentucky march 22nd I will be in st. Louis march 23rd I'll be in kansas city march 24th and 25th. I'll be in demoyne, Iowa march 26th I'll be in Omaha then april 12th. I'm very excited to say I'll be in Tacoma, but I will be doing a crowd work show

I'll be filming it. So I really want people to come out to that. That's april 12th, which is a wednesday Tacoma comedy club washington come on out Then april 13th back to regular stand-up at the spokane comedy club and then april 14th and april 15th I'll be in bozeman montana at last best comedy also los angeles my home city kind of whatever May 5th friday, I'll be at the dynasty typewriter in los angeles then may 18th I'll be at stand-up live in phoenix, arizona more shows coming like july 12th and july 13th I'll be at the new york comedy club one's in new york one's in connecticut It's wild then i'll be in pittsburgh july 15th and that's all for now

Go to gearith reynolds.com to get tickets and information and join me be part of the garmy everyone's calling it that quit push it back So these are this is a little election section. I like that and uh, yeah, I like that. Is that the title? No They're uh, okay. No, they're talking about candidates Uh west point This gentleman in 1827 was appointed a visitor to west point by mr. Adams secretary of war a station in which he proved entirely incompetent We find by reference the report of the secretary of war that joseph ritner. It's capitalized Charged the government $200 also capitalized

As his traveling expense. I can't believe we're still doing this. That is fucking amazing. We're still this has never stopped The honorable thomas reid of mississippi charged the same sum Now it is well known that mr. Reed had to travel Going and returning inclusively more than 1400 miles further than mr. Ritner But his charges Are the same. Oh my gosh the fact that's in washington. Holy shit. Yep Yeah The the honorable case D. Mallory of Vermont a visitor at the same time charges

$40 for traveling expenses and he had a greater distance to travel than joseph ritner How is that mr. Ritner demanded and received as much pay as mr. Reed And $160 more than mallory. It is not evident that mr. Ritner speculated off the government capitalized This is the honest and economical candidate of the anti jackson party This is the man who is to introduce this a system of economy Will the people elect a? I can't read that governor who would speculate off the government never never They hardly detest petty meanness

Dave you might be the perfect guy to read this. You are a great crier They hardly detest So so and I can't believe that that was a that was an actual attack at rick caruso used against karen bass this year It was like that was that was like right off of Yeah, I know and it's like it what's annoying. I mean obviously is the eye like of course It's like yeah, I have a fuck rittner, but what is your guy going to do? What is he gonna do? He has a system of economical. He has a system of economy

He will travel cheaper Okay, but what I have my life. What about my life? You're not gonna be wasting money on this guy's travel Oh I detest petty meanness I detest it and that's why I'm voting against rittner Yeah I'm a genius mechanic of sale of massachusetts mr. Increase hill mr. Come on increase. Come on Mr. Increase it's like a mr. Men book. I think it was the was it the

Well, the the the puritans used to have names like this. This was carried over I'm just happy they have names now for the first for the beginning of this nobody had It was just like a man of some run now and found himself in a Like and finally this feel like news. We had four packs and that was it. We had four packs and now we have increased hills Oh Mr. Increase hill has constructed a pair of has constructed a pair of artificial hands Which are

Come on Come on. I imagine getting eyes on these hands back then you're like it's They're okay. It's just like barking a couple twigs somehow glued together. Like I mean the problem is I don't know if they'll work you know He's just taking two live birds and glued them for the stumps taking two guys hands. He's like hey look I made hands. I think those are 10s. Are those not 10s hands? I Think those are 10 was complaining someone took his hands. I created them Uh, which is said to be admirably adopted to the

multifarious uses of those important members Important member. I think your hands. I must my hands are important. It's got to be impotent, but it's important. That's true The unfortunate young man for whom they were made is said to be able to perform many operations with them among which is Enumerated in the writing Oh, no, enumerated that of right now So he can write he can write with his little bird hand That's great. Oh, is that the whole story? Just just like I made artificial hands. That's really nice. And now a guy's writing

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's a nice. That's a nice. And now we go back to joseph rittner. Oh god Uh We give our readers below the affidavits of respectable citizens of this county Which proved that mr. Rittner the candidate of the opposition for governor did express himself upon the subject of the bible and religion Generally in a matter of Horrent to the feelings and that variance with the opinion of 99 hundreds of the people of this state

That every man has a right to his own sentiments upon the all-important subject and a right to the free exercise of the peculiar system Of religion that he may adapt however mild and extravagant extravagant and maybe no one will deny So what did he do you ask? Yeah Let me So rittner's kind of a A theme throughout this rittner is really getting beat up in this page. Um, yeah, well, he's he's getting he's definitely getting attacked a lot So I personally this is a guy's statement George Crawford

Or is it? Isaac McLaughlin the most normal name so far uttered Yeah, the last guy I remember was mr. Increased Hills I'm just picturing a guy with two artificial hands piling up dirt going I gotta I'm increasing the hills As Mr. Increased Hills, can we talk to you for a second? Not now. I'm making bigger hills. It's your it's the hands I'm sorry, please please go on with the tale of rittner Under apparently Isaac McLaughlin made this statement under oath Um, oh, he is a justice of the peace too. So we got it. So this is really serious business

Um, this is his affidavit quote. I remember when a boy my sister Jane and myself were attending a sugar camp on You guys ever uh, oh Yeah, it was across the river from the fat camp. Oh, so tough for those kids Oh sugar camp. I I only went to corn. I only went to corn camp. So I don't know about sugar Why I remember when we the kids and I went to big rock candy mountain. We it was a hobo's dream We had why the the the trees were made of peppermint sticks Eat your canoes kids

It's welcome to sugar camp. Come on Don't put those in water. They live ever. Oh It's Homer Simpson Yeah Okay, Joseph Rittner the president candidate for governor was attending a camp convenient to ours He was frequently with with us during the season I remember on one of his visits when he came to the camp My sister was reading in in her bible when he entered. She laid it down

Mr. Rittner took it up and said Jane. This is fabrication Wow, man. Wow. Let's all right, Rittner. All right, Rittner. It's all right. It's not so real, right? It came into my house the man came into my house picked up my wife's bible and said the bible's all made up Bibles your bible's fake. You got a fake bible. Hey This is bullshit. Hi. I'm Joseph Rittner. I want to be your next governor And this is bullshit. I call this the book of horseshit child Anyway vote for me. Is that the whole story? Is that the whole affidavit or did more go down? No, it goes on it goes on uh, the the girl replied for what reason do you call it that?

and Rittner replied It's all lies This guy's got my vote. He can take you can take whatever travel money he needs. I'm voting Rittner I'm putting a Rittner thing in my yard. I know I'm I'm telling you at this point Uh, he said he did not believe in it and he could give her other books of more service to young people He accordingly gave us several books. I do not remember what they were except one which was Lewis and Clark Oh, that's way better. Oh, I was hoping for some crazy shit and also a book of prayers to baffle met the father of lies

and Satan himself Here's a bible I wrote Here's the uh, here's the here's a really good great book. It's called Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard. All right, this is This is all stupid fabrication. Look, we're all aliens looking for our home planet. Okay now come with me We got to clean this boat This is the this would be really great if this happened during a political season today if like, you know, somebody Somebody's running to Santa's is running for president and then someone comes out and says, you know, I used to have a cabin next to that guy And he came into my house and said the bible's full of shit

That's uh, I'd have it. I would have I'd be like, oh damn it. This is vexing Oh god I I enjoyed I enjoyed that story. So this is a this is a real anti-Rittner rag is the sense that I'm getting This paper's taking a cell. Yeah Big big. Let me tell you I Yeah, I looked it up Rittner did not become the governor of South Carolina. Oh my god He's not listed on the wikipedia page of list of governors of South Carolina. I can't find that would be there you go Damn this worked the smear campaign worked

Yeah Okay, this is just a little blurb our citizens last week We're much alarmed by the influx of scores of the danville Intelligencers so that's in parentheses. That's a that's another paper So people came from the other pages. Yeah, it's a yeah, it's like a it's like a couple of gangs It's a paper swap Yeah, you'll paper swap. Yeah paper swap some Some cried cholera cholera

Our borough that's interesting. Wow Our borough authorities were applied to in order that the nuisances might be removed The authorities weren't unable to procure a single person who would dare touch them with the tip end of a pair of tongs Wait, so so the rival paper is some people roasting another paper. I is what they're doing. Yeah, but like they're like don't touch them They said no, here's the here's the story. They've got cholera. Here's the story What if you were reading the new york times today and the new york times had an article that said Hey, you know what happened the other day a whole bunch of people from the washington post All ran into our office and all started yelling cholera cholera and we called the police

But the police said they're so filthy. They wouldn't even touch them. That's how that's how gross All these washington post bozos are This is this is the story That's exactly the story I really like it I wish they would actually do that It's very anchorman. Yeah, I mean yes, it is All of these papers take shots at each other back then. They're always writing shit about each other. So

They finally disappeared, but in what way we know not smoke bombs as they were more Suppose as they were more atmospheric than otherwise they evaporate The borough is now called I'm gonna I liked a picture that they did evaporate if that's okay with everybody What what lightweights? Yeah, and lightning just hit them and they became fluid This honestly just seems like some good natured ribbing to me like this is they're everyone's having fun in this situation, you know Yeah, I think I think you're right. I think you're right

Like I like the ribbing back then. Okay cholera. You bastards You've got our number This headline is a case for doctors We can use that again. I'm ready. Get ready One of our reporters had related to him yesterday a curious case several months since a number of young men Belonging to the city. We're in a saloon drinking They're evidently feeling very well from the excitement of stimulants and we're exhibiting feats of gymnastics As we've all got drunk and a young german

Fuck There we go at the germans A young german named wilder declared that he had Strength enough in his fist to knock through one of the stout. Yeah, he's been wilder. Ah, so far So strong It says all the germans were Strong guys riding bears punching through walls drunk gymnastics Before his comrades could interfere wilder struck the door forcing the panel completely

The blow bruised his knuckles considerably but not so seriously as it was thought breaking the flesh and making them bleed The handle was also benumbed That's the whole story when you break it down. Yeah the story Okay. Okay. Good. And by the way, if he hurts his hand too much. I uh, my buddy increased hills. He's uh, he's making some beautiful Fakers This guy you got to see these this one is just like yo my buddy at the bar last night This shit was fucking us dude. He got so drunk. He punched a wall his hand hurt. It was mad funny

Yeah, and you're like, oh did his hand break? No, but it hurt. He was said it was numb Oh, okay Sure, sure, dude. Okay. Nothing nothing was thought of the matter at the time the hand was done up and the party separated The numbness and wilder's hand continued to increase He experienced no pain, but a dead feeling as if the hand had gone to sleep It's not great does it hurt? No, but it's gone to sleep. Yeah, what Do you need to go to the doctor? No, my honey. She's sleeping. Yeah, sleeping. No It's a tired hand

It's mood Quiet you'd make it up. You're gonna make my hand up In a few weeks the hand began to glitter and the fingers to shrink up. Hey, buddy. I don't your hey I'm worried about your head. No. No. Oh, stop. You got come on. Let's go on some more ale I would remind you guys of the headline. Mm-hmm. Doctor, which is a case for doctors A case for doctors. Yeah, it does. It sounds like a case for doctors. Yeah. All right. I'm starting to I'm starting to listen a little bit more I guess I'm open In a few weeks the hand began to wither I like to shrink up and how they present a curious appearance

The hand is wholly useless and of a dead looking Oh my god This you don't even need a doctor like anybody at this point could be like Is this supposed to be a mystery I think we know what happened You'd murdered his own hands I mean it got it shrunk and became elephant skin So looking gray color as if no blood circulated in it and has shrunk to nearly one half the size of the other hand I like that a little bit. You know, you got hand and then hand junior

You got a little gray hand you got a little gray hand The nails are black, but still retain their whole I like I like I'm first I'm going the other direction at him. I like what I'm hearing. I like this. I like this do it Yes, his hand His hand went emo. It's an emo guy out of this and you got to punch that same door with that other hand Are you gonna look weird get a match? Uh The nails have not grown any since the blow was given upon cutting the hand a little blood will stand in the wound

But it does not bleed like that. Wait, so people are just like now Just like let me see that hand. Can I like cut it with a knife a little bit? Yeah, see what happens? Yeah I want to see Cut in let's go. Oh just a little bit. I should write to the paper about this. Yeah, look it only bleeds Really sick this hand might have died I'm starting to sick my hand died The door put a spell on my hand

There is no sign of mortification of the hand What is that mortification like the hand's not embarrassed? Oh, so the hand Yeah, it's still proud. I did my job. It owns it and that's what I love about his great dead hand The dead feeling reaches only a few inches up the arm Wilder has he's turning the stone over the hand and cannot close it This hand come on I'm in get I've been you've made the case for doctors

We're still going on the bones of the fingers seem to have shrunk with the flesh and to have softened To a substance resembling No, no revolting Oh my god. Oh my god. His hand's a water balloon. Hey, man. I am not a doctor the hand It's just No, come on. Come on. Give it a chance You all hate you hate a comeback you that's what you do. You hate comebacks People are just standing around going what I don't think I don't think I need a doctor

Look, what's going on with his hand? What what is that? Can we talk about his hand? Oh, yeah, it's not embarrassed. Yeah, you can talk about he is the hand Yeah, the hand's cool with it The hand's like chill dude Don't worry about it. I mean it just looks like a gray bag on his arm. I know but it's it's mine Don't worry about it. Honestly, I'll be honest. It's getting worse and he's like fine with it Just so bad, but what could have happened to his hand we it's a case for doctors wish we knew one

This guy won't go to a doctor. Well, I'll tell you I but I'm starting to see the light Several surges have examined the hand and declared they never saw or heard of a case similar to this So this is I gotta be honest guys. This is my first gray hand. Uh I've never been here before like, you know, I don't know what to do I'm scared if I if I cut it off to like crows come out Maybe it's a why do I I mean it looks like a storm cloud. You know in my practice I in my practice I see a good two or three hundred German door punchers a year

And oh, yeah, never one. We're mainly getting German door punchers in these offices, but again I mean this guy really it's like it's pretty bad I look I know I'm a doctor, but I gotta say I think this is a case for witches. I Think you should go see the witch The arm the hand and arm are watched carefully Why it's over. Well, I think I think it's spreading. I really do think he's becoming a stoneman. It's going it's going up his arm Yeah, it's going up his arm turning into a gargoyle Like a little they're gonna put him and recently he's been seen standing on rooftops for long periods

scaring birds I mean, I like that his his body's gray his head his head is half statute. He's like good guys. It's fine relax God you worry so much If signs of the numbness are discovered spreading as they are now amputation Yeah, let's go Do it And now the summary

now the summary The above was caused by too frequent use of intoxicating drinks. What the fuck wait, that's the answer It's not a case for doctors. That's that's what he that's the end. It's not a case for doctors It's like this is like tails from the crypt of the article. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it is It is this is what the fuck shiver down your spine Yeah, like the whole time you're like, come on. Obviously they're like but the whole time It was gin

Wait, no, he punched the door. What are you talking about? Well, this made us gray Hey, presumably maybe it's a punch line because it's like yeah It was caused by drinking because he punched the door because he was drunk So it's like, you know what your diagnosis is. You know what I diagnosed you with you're a drunk motherfucker That's what's going on. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, that's the dog. Right. Okay. Yeah Uh You drink too much. Okay, buddy. Oh my god Buddy you got gristle hand

Um, well, Dave, we should probably call it there, right? I mean, we're not going to get better than the gray Yeah, I almost passed out So I don't think you can beat it I'm gonna go punch the door or something. Holy shit. Well adam Thank you for joining us for the uh, Pittsburgh, uh, buckler or whatever the fuck you called it. Um I said the Pittsburgh buckler. I don't remember the knee read the real name Buckler. Yeah, yeah It's the player

Thank you for joining us your podcast factually you're at adam conover right on uh, Correct, correct. And I'm posting stuff on youtube all the time by the way do video podcast on youtube where I talk to Incredible experts from around the world of human knowledge and I do uh video essays and stuff like that or check out the podcast factually Wherever you get your podcast. It's a it's a hoot Yeah, well, it's been a pleasure, uh Adam does adam does very smart. Yeah. Thank you very smart. It's very yeah I found this to be a smart show. I find you to be smart This was nothing if not the height of you know, my intelligence that I was working at it as I'm sure you know

But there were a couple times where you kind of tethered us back to reality where we were like, it's crazy I'm like, yeah, well, he's joking. Oh Oh, okay. Oh, okay. So I think it was a product of you being here But uh, but truly a pleasure. So thank you kindly Oh, I had a blast and cut it What's up everybody, this is gareth not gary from the dollop podcast the show you're about to listen to listen I would love to invite you to see some stand-up comedy. I'm doing on the road I'm all over this great nation of ours be part of the gareth army or the garmy as everyone's calling it

Everyone's calling it that don't look it up. But everyone's calling it that monday march 13th. I'll be in fort Wayne, indiana march 14th I'll be in indianapolis march 15th louisville, kentucky march 16th, columbus, ohio march 17th date in ohio march 18th I have two shows in perriesburg, ohio march 19th. I'll be in cleveland, ohio march 21st lexington, kentucky march 22nd I will be in st louis march 23rd. I'll be in kansas city march 24th and 25th. I'll be in demoyne, iowa march 26th I'll be in omaha then april 12th. I'm very excited to say i'll be in tokoma But I will be doing a crowd work show. I'll be filming it So I really want people to come out to that that's april 12th Which is a wednesday to koma comedy club washington come on out then april 13th back to regular stand-up at the spokane comedy club

And then april 14th and april 15th. I'll be in bozeman montana at last best comedy Also, los angeles my home city kind of whatever may 5th friday I'll be at the dynasty typewriter in los angeles then may 18th I'll be at stand-up live in phoenix, arizona more shows coming like july 12th and july 13th I'll be at the new york comedy club one's in new york one's in connecticut. It's wild Then i'll be in pittsburgh july 15th and that's all for now go to gareth reynolds.com to get tickets and information And join me be part of the garmy everyone's calling it that quit pushing it back