The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 2 - Wil Anderson: The Past Times

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to Gareth Reynolds and guest Wil Anderson. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony I'm here at Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week well Anderson hello hello it's nice to be here thank you very much for having me I appreciate that you're pretending that this just isn't the dollop it's very nice that you've gone what's a good idea for a new podcast how about the exact same idea as our old podcast what we have to do not not not not familiar with the less work what if instead of having to write the stories Dave just well read a day of a newspaper instead but we did exactly the same so what you have you have bugs

at our phone what is it expect how do you know how do you know about these conversations but honestly we've now I don't even I don't remember that other show you talked about I think you having me and that was a very brave position for me to take a man who has a podcast called TOEFLOP and then a podcast called TOEFLOP literally I barely even changed the letter you're ripping yourselves off I should know nobody's done it easier than I I it was one day I forgot a little line and I went oh okay that works too yeah that also could work yeah literally not even a new letter just like a little line a line of

difference yep yep you're like I've got you know what that's gonna be pretty easy to make a template of too I feel like we have that on file well it's nice to be here on the pull-up then I don't know not even familiar with the comparison doesn't ring a bell with me all right Dave what's where we're going and and will you might notice the Dave is about to say a date again a relevant will a relevant he does it in a different way yeah it's totally you're like you know what will completely confusing if garrison's intro Dave I'll start doing that part too we'll show will we'll figure well we'll find this is

good it's good it's good for us to get these notes well I'll do the research fuck it will fuck you I'll do the research that's how bad I want to show him that's basically every conversation that everyone who's in queue and on head with somebody else literally I can't well in honor of will Anderson we are going to head out of America for this newspaper and we're going to a little little town called Sydney which is in New South Wales Australia and the day is May 9th Saturday 1896 what's the paper it's the it is the Sydney morning Herald oh wow so it's been around for a long time man that's cool yeah okay so the city

morning Herald that was the May the 9th did you say yeah 1896 yeah we're like eight years in at that point right yeah time for a paper I'll just say yeah because I have no clue obviously the first page is all like ads and classifieds and like no so this is so Rupert Murdoch already had his hands on it early he got an error I didn't know he was that old basically all the newspapers in Australia were essentially these old families who have passed them down generation to generation in the world so actually you're not far from the truth that's not his one but it would have been some similar other family that is just

like you know what we you know what's good for power back these days being able to control the media I assume in the future this will be a worthless thing to hand on to the next generation but as long as they've never had to work for anything themselves and have only a privileged view of the world I think everything will be fine anyway I'm in the news so 1896 so five years before the Australian Federation technically but that's what I was gonna say yeah we're both gonna say that exactly five years before the Federation right so your colonies or what yeah yeah so this I'll just read before pie face yeah yeah

which was of course how we celebrated you know the Federation absolutely we don't celebrate the reason you don't know the Federation date of Australia is that we don't celebrate it because we made the most like Australian era of all time which was that we became federated as a nation on January the first and then there's no Australian that ever wants to do anything on January the first like totally totally you know what we are not celebrating January first January 26 yeah so brought by the 26 that's when we're gonna celebrate Australia it's really amazing solid planning you evolve the Australians of

all people should know well it was a massive error I mean it's a national era to the point where we're so embarrassed we barely talk about the fact that that is our Federation yeah we didn't realize that we planned our wedding on Super Bowl day well I'm gonna read an ad adulteration adulteration of food and drink is no more reprehensible than adulteration of tobacco the three are like all adultery dishonest mean and very highly in interest cigarette smoking is soothing to the nerves and beneficial to the brain provided the tobacco used is pure and of first

quality qualifications which will be found in cameo cigarettes cameo wow Jesus Christ that ad took quite a turn I was like okay this is a public service announcement that you get smart through smoking yeah cameo cigarettes was very much it was the same brand of cameo the video messages now that was their original business model which was right various Australian celebrities of the 1890s to appear I've ordered you a cameo all right then is that there's the bloke from the pipe ah Christ now what was the bit of an adultery like yeah adulterous yeah so I guess they're saying that don't mean it's such a don't cheat on your

booze like look Jim I've been seeing Jack Daniels saying food and drink is no more reprehensible than the adulteration of tobacco the three are like all adultery dishonest mean and very often highly injurious and yet it's an ad for cigarettes hmm yeah and then they go in and then they go into talking about how pure tobacco is great yeah it helps the brain that clearly whoever wrote the ad has been smoking a lot but clearly sharp I mean I wonder if they're trying to to draw a difference between cigarettes and smoking out of a pipe oh maybe that's still weird I think what they're saying is that we've got the good shit it's

like every bit of like capitalism right it's like this shit is bad for you except if you smoke our shit which is like the good shit this is got the pure shit and like I'm you know considering the kind of era that is as well he's probably on a whole bunch of other pure shit as well it's true I mean like it's not just the cigarettes he's like I need food or alcohol much either because it's adulterous legal guys yeah try this as long as you get the pure shit I think you'll find smoking drinking eating or very adulterous by the way I'm currently have sex with my neighbor's wife I'm committing adultery as I write this

purely so that oh we have we have literary gossip in the literary column in the literary wow Jesus admires of young Australian story writers will welcome the news that the London publishers missers Fisher Unwin are to begin a new series entitled the Little Novels by a written if I hit tail written by a Louise Mack called the world is round oh my god what the fuck a little wait what is it called one of the little novels little it's a new it's a new series a new series called baby books and the first one's called the world is round the world is round well I mean back then possibly a controversial

opinion yeah no now there's a few circles where it's become a controversial it's coming back yeah I would say it's come full circle but we don't believe in that readers will remember that a short time back missers Ward lock opened their new Nautilus series with Ethel Turner's story of a baby story oh man it just used to be so goddamn easy what's your novel god I don't know it's just like a story of a baby I slept hi I'm working on one about other worlds round we both have very very controversial angles what's the plot no that's the plot that's it that's everything that's everything that's in

the book what I just said the world is round then it's a couple pictures of me and my family it's like a whole novel it's a short novel yeah it said baby books novels junior okay so we have a crime little crime situation here alleged assault on the police six years ago no finally we're finally finally got an approval to go with this story finally yeah alright you know what let's run it let's get to the bottom of this chief it's been six years and let's do it all the breaking news to be honest guys all we had for the front page today was an ad about cigarettes that's huge and I gotta be honest with you something about

tiny novels that's great oh yeah a little novel those are good stories little novel people and then I've got like a murder and maybe a cop killing from six years ago yeah have you read the book I'm grass so good pages but it's a ride at Newton police court yesterday before mr. Smithers James McCallum age 29 was charged with having on the 2nd of October sorry 2nd of April 1890 assaulted James Trinder a senior constable of police of Ashfield accused pleaded not guilty senior constable Plunkett arrested the accused early in the morning on the 5th accused when arrested said to the constables quote

surely they were not going to arrest a man for what he did seven years ago if so he had a good mind to deal with it out to them also oh Jesus I like how does suggest that you're not guilty after that responses I'll kill you too I mean in addition to I mean I've never killed but you'll be my first I'm that angry yeah I'm not saying I didn't do it right clearly I did it but I did it seven years ago have we not got past that I didn't call me by now you know what I'm gonna kill you to your dummy and guess what I'll get away with it like I did with this one for seven years I'm feeling pretty confident about my abilities to

get away with murdering cops hey what was that first right you said to the right to remain huh he also added a year which is just the subtle great little lie you know it's six years he's like it's been seven years yeah yeah he's given two cops in a row I had to it's Federation day he's also talking in the third person when they come to get him oh that's how you know you've really lost come on you were you wouldn't really arrest some guy who did something seven years ago also this guy might kick your ass right now this guy's getting pretty pissed off that is a good point it is started as a hypothetical guy hasn't

done it that's how this conversation has gone down he's gone like this guy like this is he's OJ's if I didn't it's like if this guy say I knew this guy and seven years ago and then maybe again six years ago when you haven't even found yet he killed some cops and then he got away with it for six or seven years and you came knocking on this guy's door and you're some cops and he hasn't done some good killing for a while what do you think this guy might respond like in that situation I'm not saying it's me what just because I described my outfit is what the guy might hypothetically be wearing Lord here's a headline attempted suicide at the water police court yesterday before water where we mainly deal with fish we are right now we're dealing with a grouper who lied about some coral so you know it's a water court it's a water based court so that's what we prosecute the coral corals and yeah that we deal with coral corals a lot of that stuff so yeah I just want to be clear so if you have gills take go down further thank you all right excuse me is this the air court no no air court no their air courts near the airport this the water court oh that's regular court too that explains is this the the seahorses out front okay that's right yeah yeah yep no problem by the way at the water we have water place in Australia do you have water place in the U.S. surely you have a Coast Guard Coast Guard Coast Guard you call the water police water police you use the term that like a child would use I mean Dave we have to understand that all turns are crazy and you poured into it but I have to say water police is very adorable it's like well what are we going to call them I mean they're the police on the bloody water so we're calling the bloody uh well they're the water police all right water you're under arrest what do I do you know what you did you divided hydrogen get over here you son of a bitch very popular Australian television show for years like this it's like a serial drama television water police was was set in the water police oh my god true yes this is the podcast the show was called water rats it was a very popular show and I think they were like yeah so I think that they

were like it was on the I'm gonna say five years right so I was on the five years and it probably did like 40 episodes a year so it was like a big show right and it was it was set on Sydney Harbour and they were like the water police who would like you to go around and solve Harbour Harbour based crimes and all of this is the cops pull up and go to hey mate you're drinking that guy's like yeah I'm having a beer all right well they much like Aquaman they had to sort of artificially they were probably like look no more drownings I told you we're done they've been 50 of the episodes I think there was a lot more sort of international drugs smuggling and kidnapping and intrigue and stuff that is generally making the Sydney Morning Herald oh water police sorry I've been I've been keep I've been keeping the water clean for 10 years now that's it I'm putting you on the land force chief no you're a land boy Toppkins you set him a bitch at the water police court yesterday before mr. Giles rose judge was ordered to be imprisoned until the rising of the court for attempting to commit suicide by strangling herself like confined in a cell at the manly lock up so she got she's imprisoned and she's been recharged for attempting suicide while but let's also note that she tried to strangle herself right yeah what you're saying man that's a conspiracy I know what you're saying they tried to get her she knows too much that's right the water cops to try to take this why cuz the water cops are dirty man they're dirty she might have just been drowning she's underwater after all I don't think they're prisons and stuff will also underwater I wish we could all enter my mind palace right now cuz it's

amazing what's happening as far as this water police court goes it's just it's pretty animated so we have another death the death of the diver pert the inquest city the city corner mr. JC war held an inquest at St. Vincent's hospital yesterday afternoon on the body of the man Charles pert who received fatal injuries on the previous night while diving at the Fitzgerald brothers circus from the dome of the tent into a tank of water oh god so he did the yeah I mean that's the classic move I mean yeah you would anticipate this goes going wrong a lot more now so he's he like does it extrapolate on whether he is like a professional circus performer who's done or is he a drunk Australian who's climbed up because he's investigating Australian hand going as he's like yep yes this is yeah both of your questions will immediately be answered by the way if he gets injured he can file a lawsuit in water court well unless he hit outside unfortunately you're out of the engine took place outside of the tank I mean I love the idea to of like everybody there at the circus like you know the bodies in the you know it like drowned in the middle of it like the cops are there and then suddenly like in those FBI shows with the FBI turn up it's like suddenly the water police like sorry mate this is our job and that's our jurisdiction you land cops back the fuck up because this is an on what a matter fully go underwater for 30 minutes they're talking under there I don't know they're crazy they have gills one of the providers of the circus deposed that the deceased was a single man about 24 years of age a native of England

him perked was of temperate habits and was also known as professor perked the champion high diver well it's time to revoke the degree the circus performance took place as usual on Thursday night the last item on the program was the dive of the deceased from a height of about wait they didn't call it the dive of the deceased they did no shut the fuck up no it's time for the dive of the deceased we got enough we parts like last year the circus we got nine of them I mean I think yeah you've got to have a whole bunch of parts of what yeah parts out the back like that you because that is the greatest show on earth back then yeah I can be guaranteed that oh are you kidding me they had nothing to be like you want to go see a guy die be like boy do I nothing I want more than to watch a fella pass away and I know that that sounds like a judgment on that era but we watch people die all the time it's fully decent right like hundreds and thousands of people a year we happily watch die like in one John Wick film every year and like and celebrate it but back then I just weren't seeing that level of watching people die so the circus came to town and said by the way every single thing we do in the circus someone dies we have one of the line timers it's his first day he dies high dive he dies how does the high die eight clowns get out of the cart we have to drag a couple of bodies out they got crushed by the other clowns

so he dove in a height about 50 feet into a tank containing three feet six inches of water oh my god it was it was it was about eight feet long and about six feet wide okay it uh so witnesses had the tank filled and afterwards more water was put into it as that depth of water must have been about four feet so now they're just like that was probably just kind of making it up as they go oh I thought you were saying they added water after he died the reporters like that's probably around four four feet so it's not that crazy I mean for fate doesn't seem like enough water it's not enough water no to like no to jump about 50 feet I'd be like I can't swim in this why did you invite me over after pert had examined the tank he was pulled up to the platform which had also been fixed under his supervision on the platform he said that the tank looks small but that was only professional talk to cause more sensation he he said that yeah so he's just showboating he's like I don't know that doesn't look like enough it'll be fine and then he almost dies the guy's talking to say wait what Jesus deceased jumped off as usual but evidently misjudged his distance as in his descent he struck the side of the tank and then and then struggled over into the water no because he cares about his job I don't get paid unless I hit the water just watching a guy jump from 50 feet he thinks no one's going to notice like that's good yeah he's like edited out edited out edited out his last to me in the water his last words were this is going to be investigated by the water cops if it's the last thing I do

he's crawling in there he just whispers to the ringmaster you think they notice I mean it feels like you know when some gymnast has been training all their life gets the Olympics and like does all the trick and then just stumbles like one little bit of that landing and still tries to smile and throw their hands in the air as if like no no you definitely didn't notice that last bit where I fucked up like eight years of my life and that's just like a foot being off a touch this guy literally jumped 50 feet into ground and I was like what did the Germans give me wait well he kind of he kind of did do that disease managed to get out by himself and stand up and two witnesses who gave him and to win I think it's his witnesses who gave him his hand he said that he would soon be alright he was I want that to be my last words I think I'll be alright I think I'll be alright yeah at least I got to the water I get the bonus yeah he was then removed to the dressing room to the dressing room backstage sir please yes please backstage done wine after the performance I want to get out of character for a minute no visitors my organs are bleeding I'll be in the dressing room yeah just not if anyone needs me I'll be in there dying don't mind me just put the sign up that says currently dying Dr. McCarthy was summoned and he recommend his removal to St. Vincent's Hospital to cease was accordingly taken that institution where he died shortly after oh my god I mean the order of fucking a man that is that I mean that's that's that's how you get that's how you use the trade employees finish the job no matter what crawling to a water tank

I mean it's almost a great tree that he survived I mean I know he didn't eventually but the fact that he was able to like get in the pool out of the pool like it's like you're absolutely right he's like I gotta finish this like look yeah I nailed the dive look the landing was a little rough I said it looked tiny I told you it looked tiny didn't I turns out it was I've got in the water I'm out of the water I'll be in my dressing room I just can't imagine going to an event and just watching a guy just jump from fifth I'd be you just what did I just see yeah mommy is he supposed to bleed from all his holes well he got in the water so I think he must have intended it looks like he planned it pretty well I mean again like what is that conversation you know I mean on the way home yeah yeah I mean that man alright oh yeah he'll be fine yeah he'll be fine he's part of the show he really hit hard and he looked like he's in a lot of pain that's all part of it that's all part of it that's all part of the trick okay yeah because he was there's a lot of blood coming out of his mouth yeah well that's just part of the fun show thing that they do

why did he get in the water I guess if any part you didn't need to be that I can't have an explanation for that everything else worked pretty well no notes outside of the water move even better if he got in the water and then like made a splash he does a fake dive in the water oh my god I mean I can't I'm so fucked up but it's because it's a while ago feels okay to mock dead people well because he be dead of natural causes by now regardless I like the statute of limitation I love when they do that they're like James Dean would have been 140 today you're like can we stop this alright like we get it he died he would have been just saying please this is inhuman let me die 140 this is a test this is torture Elvis Presley

Elvis Presley would have been 99 today I don't see him making it there his trajectory felt like no Elvis would have been 90 90 if his heart hadn't exploded in a toilet if the yeah if by natural causes lifespan they're dead already it is fine to make fun of people but I got I agree especially we're talking about an era at this point where like you could kill a cop six years ago and be well yeah that's fair very fair your point that one really got me I'm not gonna lie that's really hit home with me that's amazing I mean again I don't want to make some commentary on the way that the city money herald's been putting together their paper but I would have led with that that's your story I'm buying that paper I'm buying that paper

I don't have to be digging through some cigarette advertising and like I mean that was on the world big round that was on page six that's absurd it's the it's I I would I would say it's the best not the best but it's the comedic right best story we've heard on the show that's the whole front page if I'm making this paper that's the name of the page it's that he missed the times I might even yeah I would change the paper name after that we're still doing stories on that we're still doing stories on that I'm sad that I don't know about this that this isn't some like famous Australian story about like this maybe it just happened so commonly that people didn't even think it was worth mentioning and passing on to further generations but this is such a huge story

we actually aren't gonna teach his story we turns out it's not a good idea it's a great movie I want to know all about this dude like how he got his nickname the professor like you tell the early years of the professor like even that as a diver's nickname it's not two things that traditionally go together well well then I like hang on then I like this diver's got a phd it's like an MIT like drawing out all the perfect like diagram like it needs to be there if it's this high that's enough

and if it's three feet six inches that's plenty of water everything will go and then it's the first time he does it he's like oh god that was took eight years of planning he's dead he died only shit that was what a waste of an existence he was the professor that's crazy palette cleanser Australia has many capes there's Cape Lewin there is Cape Borda Cape Nelson Cape Otway and Cape York but the most suitable capes for the season are to be seen at a waters corner of George and King streets there are silk velvet capes and silk creep on crepes and capes in Carly cloth we ever cloth and freeze cloth all handsomely line and beautifully and stylishly trimmed they are of the correct medium length and the prices as is usual with us are moderate was Australia like

go ahead the correct medium length is that the correct length I love that they're all the correct not not we only have one size they're all the correct medium length for a cape despite the fact that if you're tall or short how can anything be medium in a cape surely right well you got to go to big and tall capes if you want a weird one I mean that is I yeah I mean it sounds like the tick like everyone's got a cape everyone's just walking around like they're broken down superhero oba ob chug apart man have you met Aquaman he died at the circus the other night

that's right it's true okay so capes yeah so we it was an era where but also I what I loved was that they had the classic old advertising get us in with like an absolute distraction which is right Australia is known for its famous capes and okay a whole bunch of you like we do have a lot of these are good capes oh hang on now he's got me thinking about shift wait a minute it's bastard they all switcheroo like that's like the kangaroo but trickier oh yeah when you're in the Australian bush you gotta watch out for the switcheroo the switcheroo kangaroo oh my wife

the kangaroo I pulled the switcheroo kangaroo on your mind there's a letter to the editor sir I am very pleased to see that some steps are being taken to put a stop to what is becoming the common thing of riding bicycles at nighttime without lights this sort of thing is not only dangerous to other people it is dangerous to the cyclists themselves but I certainly do not hold with the authorities in prosecuting a young fellow for quote passing a pedestrian without ringing a bell wow this feels like a green guides letter episode yeah I don't know so what I like at the start is it's your typical letters to the editor it's just like an older person complaining about teenagers riding their bikes at night so good to say nothing's changed there

but then there's a bit of a twist at the end where he kind of like defends the tane right he's like but the cops shouldn't like arrest this young dude because he didn't ring his bell as he was passing a pedestrian is that what's happening here that's what's happening yeah he's saying he's saying people should use lights when they ride at night which makes sense you shouldn't arrest people for ringing a bell as they go by without ringing the bell without ringing the bell oh yeah not ringing the bell it was the law to ring the bell as you passed by a pedestrian imagine living at a time when the law was to ring the bell like but also that you could literally it was an enforceable by arrest law

not that you know I mean like this is what I'll kill you I'll kill you I killed another cop seven years ago fuck the bell imagine if that's what he was arrested for the first time he says like I don't get I'm gonna murder you yeah yeah I have a solution how about I bring your neck well the bell stuff is gonna go on for a while this seems to me highly ridiculous and it is very evident that those who prosecute for this know nothing of bicycle riding after considerable experience I do not hesitate to say that using alarm bells does more harm than good

it frightens people too much wait okay yeah okay so what I love this is classic I'm an expert letter to the end as an expert cyclist myself like you know that has been purely established by me in this letter as an expert in but it's alarm alarm bells right is that what you were worried about the alarm bells go yeah I mean is he just sort of stream of consciousness yeah writing a letter he's like speaking a bit like he's got like bad stand-up segues he's like speaking of bells those alarm bells are pretty useless too and what's with being alarmed that's a weird emotion isn't it got emotions are weird aren't emotions weird kids have good emotions

I just had a kid recently yeah he's got a computer I just bought a new computer it is only in rare cases that a cyclist runs dangerously close to pedestrians and then a bell is of no use whatsoever when riding in the street and a person is crossing a cyclist never hesitates to ease up let the person cross and then pass quietly along without creating any fuss or startling anybody by ringing a bell which only gives a folk a severe nervous shock at best so wow I mean talk about he's real anti-belly yeah this out of like you shouldn't ride your bike at night but these bells yeah I'll tell you I hate bells I hate bells this must be a hunchback accidents will happen between cyclists as between other people but bells will not

obviate nor minimize them furious writing furious writing and now he's just writing what he's doing furious writing like I am what the fuck this is out of body I'm watching myself do this I think I died furious writing and writing without lights there is no excuse for but to be presented for not sounding a bell is absurd R.D. Werner oh wow I'm sure I'm sure the next paper has a response to Mr. R.D. Werner and his bell nonsense bells save lives sir I mean his complaint is so nuanced that it's like it's difficult in these times to translate the level of I mean he's coming up with like fight cup rules for the bell yeah but it is also very much what we've been going through at the moment because this is somebody saying like the government's come down big governments come down and said you know what you're gonna ride your bikes around you're gonna have to like you're gonna have to ring a bell

the bells up for you we know you're doing a good job but they just will let the other pedestrians be a little safer in public all you got to do we're not saying don't ride your bikes all we're saying is when you're riding your bikes and you see a pedestrian give them a little ding ding that just lets them know you hate freedom you hate freedom ring a bell I thought we were an independent nation we left them on our key for a reason by all means hang in there they're so great when we do which is eventual here's a special advertisement the late Sir Henry Parks to each subscriber of the Sydney Mail for the present week May 9th will be presented a large and splendid portrait of the late Sir Henry Parks printed as a supplemental on specialty good thick paper for the purpose of framing oh this paper is nice and thick I don't know what's happening so you subscribe to the mail and then you get a picture of this guy a good one that's a bullet one that you can frame well so parks was the governor of New South Wales

I think okay and like so yeah he was like a quite a kind of prominent leader of the time looked a lot like again I've only ever said like you know drawings of human stuff right but like I was it on thick paper because then you could have framed that just so you know he looks a lot like you know when well like David Letterman looks now he had that real big white like kind of white gray beard that just kept going longer than you thought it should all right okay who doesn't want to picture that guy I have a I know in my living room I have an enormous picture of David Letterman printed on good thick paper not the bullshit not the bullshit paper legit that's like pretty good it's like Prince it's like tree bark you got that from San Francisco Chronicle right yes I I just googled a picture of a say Henry Parks and yet he had more more hair than Letterman but like same sort of beard but this is his like sort of they call him the father of Federation due to he was one of the guys who said like basically the six colonies of Australia should come together and become an country so yeah so like you know so I think at that time if we're talking this period of time he's Australia's about to become Federation he's one of the leading proponents of it

I'm getting a kind of Bernie Sanders flavor do you know what I mean I'm feeling like he's the sort of guy something like you know we should be doing this thing together we will be working better together some people like you know what I'd like maybe I am a poxy bro yeah with like a friend picture of my idol on the wall that's right all right well that makes more sense that all right Dave will both take one put us both you're both down here's just a little section of it just like blurbs of international stuff James Stansbury the sculling champion of the world has arrived in London to row the English champ I can't read that champion must be champion he had an enthusiastic reception during the voyage from Sydney he gained 28 pounds in weight wow what what in the fuck just happened what was it were they just eating penguins on there just not fatty you know it you know it took like six months or something to get there right still just like on a boat I guess I mean yeah that's true I guess I'm sure but it's not like they had gyms and stuff back in the day I mean I guess that's a lot of weight I mean I guess he's a rower they could have occasionally dangled him off the back of the boat and he could have just had a bit of rowing

or just a trot a walk wouldn't hurt a little walk around the ship maybe but I don't know if that's like you know back in those days it wouldn't mean it was probably smuggling drugs that's what it was that's the only way you gain 26 pounds it's transporting and by the way that's a crime for the water police bring those boys back in it was like a hundred days yeah I mean a hundred days hundred days it says but like if I told you and think if I said to you right now put on 28 pounds in three months I mean you do it pretty easily but you would be like I'm there's no diet here yeah well I mean yeah I mean I what I love the most is that he's going over there to compete in a sport in a sporting event so like if you're an ordinary tourist yeah whatever I'm not here to body shame you go to the buffet every morning you're on a boat you know like what are you gonna do right it's a cruise yeah but if you're going over there to compete in a sporting event

which is not about rowing you might want to do some what about some setups on the ship was there was there no one I mean because this is the thing it's not like there's you know Instagram or he's doing like live updates or anything like that so yeah champion Australian row on a boat in Australia going we're going to take it back to the home country and you're going to compete against the best British row in the world you're going to smash him and then he gets off the boat and he's put on that much and they're like all right where is he excuse me sir where's where's that rower at all that was butter good for you man are you look a little bit like him maybe he's a relative we're looking for a rower jacked the machine over here what happens butter is there any sorry stuff weird guys talk about butter a lot the way you had a bread you just walked that like four feet oh my god all they have is butter what do you what are you talking are there any other people on the boat

because it seems like it's just put good good your hand up put your hand down it's not a champ I'm a champ oh my god we're going to pardon my look I'll be honest I'm going to look to camera for this we're going to need a big about is there not anybody else on that boat that's with him you know like it's also he's not like a coach or like some sort of yeah chaperone of some sort is like hey buddy you know it's like an athletic event like we're going to literally put you on a boat by the way yeah something that again I'm not here to eat what you want put on weight lose weight I'm not making judgments in people's lives but literally surely there's just some sort of buoyancy issue surely they've got like a standard make you're putting together a rowboat you need to know what the people are going to weigh in the rowboat you're on a boat I mean if there's the training is there it's a boat rope some of it it's not I mean you're like wow what

what what would I possibly do to train all we have is this boat and water well what do you do rowboats on water I think we're pretty close to solving this I mean he got there he's like I don't know I guess if I'm not rowing him I'm just eating turns out they never had cupcakes on the rowboat good thing too cuz fucking a do I get an appetite on C he treated like Robert De Niro getting ready for a fat guy part he's like these things on a carnival cruise he's like a lot of lobster last night what else you guys got oh I like it maybe there's an even I'd like to think he's done this on purpose like he's so confident oh yeah this event oh yeah this is like he wants to walk off the boat and just looking his fingers where's the rice he's still got a bib on he's got like blueberries all around his mouth and powdered sugar all right and what dies the rice then it's in an hour so now that I'm a champagne

oh it's Christ what did you do for the last three months all right I mean you're probably right in what you've just like it's done but on there too it probably wasn't just eating it was probably drinking oh yeah this is an Australian sports person going overseas there's a very famous like lauded in Australia story about a quick hitter by the name of David Boone who's from Tasmania and it's you know legend that on the way to England on the flight to England to play in the ashes which is you know the biggest sporting event that it basically Australian sport has playing England in the ashes so this is sort of the equivalent journey like he drank 52 cans of beer on the flight from Australia to England and basically had to be carried off at the other end but it's become this legendary Australian story but it turns out Booney's doing old material because I think old man the rower has been drinking you know like

yeah yeah I mean he had the off season on the ride to the event it's like no you swapped that all right so this is in the same sort of section but at the Intercontinental Fruit Conference which has been sitting at Auckland this week I'll be speaking about berries the banana this week a delegate from Queensland is reported as having quoted statistics to show that the proportion per head of the population of fruit consumed in the colonies was ridiculously small the statement is not new to us of course and yet it seems to conflict with the complaints of fruit growers

that the market is being oversupplied with locally grown fruit unless we fall back on the explanation that Australians are not a fruit-eating people are you can you say are you guys a fruit-eating people well I think we are a fruit-eating people well let's go on that's new we have giant we have like giant bananas big banana the big pineapple we like make statues out of fruit we celebrate sounds like it's what we call overcompensating the nation protests too much the paper seems to agree with you this seems so absurd a conclusion in face of the frequent complaints of the difficulty of obtaining good table fruit at moderate prices

and also table fruit what's going on that during many months of the years ours is a climate distinctly favourable to this consumption of fruit yeah so somehow you have like a mango pineapple berries I mean it seems easy that's what this guy's saying he's like for the love of God fruit is really good the common experience of every individual is against the conclusion that we are not a fruit-eating people if we can get fruit fit to be eaten and we are therefore forced to think

that the difficulty in the way is the key to the phenomenon which Mr. Blink has called attention this is probably being written by a pineapple it's that on the nose it goes on and on I'm not going to read it anymore because it just keeps going on and on about fruit and another thing tomatoes not a fruit I think very offended by the fact that he thinks Australia has an international reputation as not being fruit-eaters that's I think the issue at the heart of this all we've all been laughing about that for a while

it's very funny we don't understand we ate a lot of fruit here like bananas, Queensland, really big thing not to this guy not to this guy and another thing about table fruit is going to be a thing I'm going to be saying no matter where I am if someone puts it on the table I'm going to be like that's not table fruit I think there was higher standards for table fruit back in the day

it was your show fruit if other people are going to come over and see my fruit yeah you want to have stocks, yeah, exotic not just a thing of apples those are kitchen fruits that's the bedroom fruit the apple it's delicious

you got any bathroom fruits this is a rower who's staying with us for a little while it's just that been easy like a hog in man's skin just you know something for the toilet when I'm sitting there alright here you go here's some strawberries here's an interesting one

funeral tickets, that's the headline I got two, I got two, two to nine to the Johnson funeral natural causes two, I got two of them it will be remembered that last session of parliament Mr. S.T. Witten brought before the assembly the fact that funeral tickets issued to people too poor to pay had the word pauper endorsed upon them what? Mr. Witten has been informed by the colonial secretary that the practice has been discontinued

and the present stock of tickets withdrawn so does that mean you got a ticket to get buried? no one please thank you excuse me I got my mind says pauper I wanted to hold

back row I'll have an usher take you there I wanted something up front I'm a really good weeper no we'll see we'll keep an eye on you when weep cam goes around remember do the wave there's a beach ball we're going to be knocking each other too randomly so just if it lands on you but I can back up it's just kind of a greater good sort of thing

it's really got to be that it's for people who couldn't afford a funeral so they would give them a ticket what I appreciate it Dave did Australia have tickets to funerals? this is amazing Sunday Sunday Sunday Tim died

I mean I guess like you know popular funerals you know I mean the professor that would have been a big huge people want to see the rest of the show you're going to need a ticket to that funeral and then it would be great if you were like going to give like push him into the water but when you push him into the water for that funeral just falls over and hits a cliff

oh god oh dear not again he just in a way I think this is what he would have wanted I think he would have wanted this in a really weird way I think uh someone just move it into the water it's fine nobody will notice it's fine

trust me it's fine I guess I'm still I can't get over that one I'll think about that in a few days I mean it's just amazing I'm the professor just come on man I mean he's 50 feet in the fucking air caught himself the professor

he hits land and he crawls into water and then goes back to the dressing room another great day for the professor glass dismissed glass dismissed his blood's coming out of his eyes glass dismissed

it's fine that's how they call me the professor I'm ready for my close up Mr. Judge Pyle oh we got another another suicide suppose attempted suicide Jay Galbilt Boucher and a medical practitioner

residing at Redfern yesterday went into a laboratory at Prince Alfred Hospital a few minutes after a water found him with a deep wound in his throat as if inflicted by a pen knife found in his possession on Sunday last he received

a fractured skull in some mysterious manner while asleep in his house the wound in the the wound in the throat is not of a dangerous character how did he injure his head sleeping I was dreaming I was a nail

they literally just threw that in it's like an afterthought this guy tried to kill himself with a pen knife by the way he fractured his skull while sleeping sleeping I mean maybe explains why

he wanted to take his own life though I mean he had a fractured skull if you're living a life where just in the act of sleeping you can fracture your skull you can do what it just ended up plus a 1900 fractured skull a lot different to a 2021 fractured skull

I mean surely you were like well that's not good your brain is coming out around it and that's fine for the time you might be a little down yeah do you know what the solution to this is and he's like no

I'll say that but we're just asking people we're just asking people if they have any solutions we suggest you put a hat on we suggest this medical hat it's a bowler isn't that great look at that you're like a margarite

anyway we'll see you later good luck please accept this complimentary pen knife we're the hat people hats they solve everything Melbourne Friday my name Frank Wardle who was picked up

in an unconscious condition outside the Melbourne coffee palace on Thursday morning Dave what do you think of the Melbourne coffee palace surely you like that coffee well first of all we know Sydney coffee is better come here come here come here

coffee wars it's Melbourne and Sydney you shouldn't have a palace that's what I wanted thank you and who had fallen okay so this is amazing he was picked up in an unconscious condition outside the

Melbourne coffee palace and who had fallen from a window 60 feet above the pavement I missed the tub he's actually trying to dive he needs to do a tub of coffee I'll try a giant flat wine

I don't know if Venti's not a good idea I'll try I'll try he regained consciousness today but was unable to explain how the accident happened well I mean his spine is terribly injured and his case is considered hopeless

can you imagine a doctor being like his spine medically speaking his spine's terrible it's what we call you hopeless medically speaking can you just write hopeless on his chart

we recommend a hat we recommend two different hats for you you got a morning hat and a night hat okay well we just want to make sure we get this thing right so two hats just to be safe we're gonna flood the head you know your roommate here

he jumped in a circus tent 50 feet down and just hit land to be fair I actually landed in the water if you look closely if you look real close you'll notice that it only looked like that for a second but I hit the water

oh holy shit are you the professor I yeah but unfortunately they took away my honorary degree I just love that they didn't start with the fact that he he jumped out a window they started the fact that they found him unconscious

a bit of a mystery we think it has something to do with a fall off a building not sure I do like the idea of the three of them being in hospital together you say the guys jumped off the coffee palace the guy from the circus and the dude who just fractured his skull and he's asleep

because he does not have a story at all it's a comforting image from the three Stooges well the guy the guy who fractured his skull and his sleep still shenanigans in the hospital beds too you better believe it he sounds like he was a doctor

he was a medical practitioner so he can actually be taken care of him I get it guys I once you'll notice from this hat that I myself have received control if I remove the hat you'll notice that it sort of

looks like I've got puzzle pieces in a bag that's my skull and my skin this happened on Melbourne Melbourne Friday the inquiries made by the police into the Auburn poison case have all together failed to clear up the mystery as to how the poisoned

lollies which nearly caused the death of four members of the Wiffen family came to be introduced into the house wow that's so what's crazy is we've only done like six episodes

this is like the second or third poison lolly story we've done this before there have been poisoned lollipops before yeah it's a fun theme by the way not worth it it seems like just moving another direction

people are like oh but the lolly I mean it just maybe there is copycats in these situations somebody hears about a case of somebody poisoning someone with lollipop they're like you know what I got some people I want to poison I got access to lollipops oh yeah it's breaking bad but with pops

I wish there was some sort of example of copycat things in America but I can't think of no here's an in the wanted section old artificial teeth

bought I needed to take an ad out for an old teeth okay sir that's cool the police are just going to need to talk to you for a little while so if you can step in this tank they're the water cops oh my god this is at 145 baths

are you the guy looking for old teeth boy that that ad came at the right time for me I'm flush I'm loaded I'm swimming in them you never seen so many it looks like I beat up an old folks home

how much you want a tooth I want a tooth I'm doing tooth for one specials come on down to the tooth emporium the house of teeth we promised the tooth the whole tooth nothing but the tooth

so help me god can we ask what you need the teeth for no no need to answer that question we promised that's our guarantee we asked no questions no follow up questions the best teeth in town

and no follow up questions two guarantees two guarantees we guarantee that adoption will some person take girl 5 boy 7 oh my god they're not lazy boys

no premium do you accept teeth will some please I could you imagine I got a I've liked them for 5 or 6 years but I gotta be honest with you

you go to these children what are we gonna do about it we can't just leave them you know what let's put an ad in this anybody can somebody want our kids we don't no premium no premium we don't want to make

we don't care about making any money on these kids we just want to cut our losses and be out of here that would change the pro life argument a lot in the countries I think if we were just like yeah we just leave them out of the curb eventually the guy who picks up the TVs

comes around he gets the kids eventually too I mean maybe that is the way that we've gotta go maybe if like cause there are some parents who get to the point where they're probably not in a position where they should be looking after their kids but there's so many laws and regulations in place maybe it should just be as simple as

you know what put an ad in the paper yeah I'm just gonna put an ad in the paper get that picture when we were Cape Cod the kids look cute then yeah when they look real fun not the shitty ones they got those shitty looks on their faces all day now

I mean it doesn't also really sell the idea of the kids does it when you just go we'll somewhat please take this it's just that we're moving we're moving it's a moving thing we're moving the new place won't let us have kids

we're not gonna pay that we love them but come on for sale guinea pigs, long haired, handsome various ages and sizes 31 a child or a guinea pig this is where you kinda pick your lane for life I actually think long

head and handsome makes me feel like they're gonna fuck the guinea pigs I think you're in the guinea singles that might be a whole different thing I'm not into kink shine but there seems to be some fabio style guinea pigs that have been offering for try

do you want some guinea pigs you can fuck they are long haired and handsome and again, no questions asked no more long questions no doubt we are in a paper where advertising guinea pig sex would just fit in fine there is no, I mean everything that's happened so far you'd be like that's fine

I mean the guy's asking for teeth there's no bottom anymore we should probably do like one more Dave, okay Mr. Mora, clerk in Miller's open call exchange was found tonight in the shaft, 160 feet deep, quite dead

he's quite dead he went out he went out ostensibly for a walk at daylight this morning and was not seen till a tracker followed him to the shaft wow well that's sad

shouldn't end on that right he's like a pun that I don't know if he's completely brilliant or in terrible taste so a tracker probably means it probably means a native Australian

a lot of the time as trackers so I don't know if this is like a anyway I mean this joke in the nicest possible way but who's the black private dick who's like a sex machine with all the chicks shaft shaft quite dead

shaft alright Dave let's end on a funnier death obviously Dave because it's obviously by the way I think this is the most deaths in a paper right Dave would you say yeah this is a lot we got another one right here oh great William McCauley

28 who was found in a state of collapse in his house on the third instant the result of phosphorus poisoning was charged before the central police court on a charge of having attempted to commit suicide

the evidence showed that the accused had admitted to Sarsian on the way to the hospital that he had drunk some water in which the heads of a box of wax matches had been dissolved wow what so he was like sulfur poisoning

yeah yeah is that's a thing I don't know I guess maybe not that was probably part of the thing they're like you know that doesn't work he's like I feel sick though I don't feel good you drink matches I'm gonna barf

I'm gonna barf my buddy told me if you drink matches you die okay and officially guys considering the poison was in water this is again water cops jurisdiction I just want to make the argument if the crime was committed using water it is

that's water that does fall in the water jurisdiction so CIS water alright so three CIS it's all white guys just white straight guys

very traditional CIS New Orleans three youths named William Lowe James Evans and William Gromo who annoyed the people of Little Hay Street on Sunday by jostling and throwing stones appeared before

uh Mr. Addison in the Central Police Court yesterday and were each sent to jail for 24 hours wow for what in the fuck just happened jostling and throwing stones jostling that's Little Hay Street

that's the game baby you know is that the game? yeah by the way what you read is just like a little novel a tiny novel but also like Little Hay Street entirely composed of people who live in glass houses so

throwing stones is a much bigger issue I had no idea woo woo you boys are throwing stones in glass houses you sure you're just supposed to do that what about let he cast the first stone you kids under water they would throw the book at you

it would take forever to get there though who was it Sarge, just some teenage stoners yes you guys getting stoned alright I get it I get it by the way it's Little Hay Street so it's like four of the children yeah

that's what you expect it's not like Hay Street go to Hay Street if you don't want to be jostled and stoned there's Little Hay Street there's Little Hay Street we're just doing little things here we're just sitting around reading some little novels we was just funnin we actually

just made a little diving pool for the local circus don't use that don't use that hold on ah shit alright well lovely well well thank you very much for joining us on a podcast not at all

associated with the other one you mentioned earlier is there anything don't even remember what it's called is there anything that you would like to promote aside from Tofop and Fofop anything so I have a little podcast

the network and it's Tofop, Fofop two guys one cup which is an Australian football adjacent podcast but it's just nonsense and I have a podcast called Willosophie where I have like kind of in depth conversations with people about life meaningful conversations yes

you told me about your Joshua Roll episode and I listened to it it was very good your podcast network Cross Streams is what they call it in the Ghostbusters world when you had a Fofop

host who isn't shouldn't be the Fofop host host Fofop cause Fofop was created because he was no longer a host you could have opened a wormhole when Charlie hosts that podcast yeah

I mean there is a possibility cause like I did 330 episodes of it something cause yes he left the podcast originally that's why it started but now he's back and I'm busy so he's hosting it the second wave that's basically what is happening it's interesting how it's shaking out

it is probably the most king evolving podcast I would say we have a tiny little world that is hard to understand from the outside but if you go to Fofop it all makes sense and it's a lovely place to spend some time

alright thank you so much Will some of these days you'll miss me honey