The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 21 - The Past Times with Rory Scovel

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and actor and comedian Rory Scovel. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

ladies and gentlemen. All right everybody welcome to the past times podcast each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Yes hello. Hi guys. Hi guys. It's an accent. It sounds like I'm saying gays but I am saying you better stick with the accent. You took a crack at the intro didn't go great. Well I didn't know it was real. I didn't know I'd actually get thrown thrown the football. So I refused to catch it. You didn't know the name of the podcast. Let's be honest. I don't know the name of the podcast.

I don't even know what you don't know who Dave is. How many podcasts do you guys have. Is this two or three seventy two. This is two. We have the dollop and then this one that a lot of people say is just a dollop rip off. When. When is enough enough for you guys. I think. I think three would be too many. Rory you're. Is it fair to say that you're a big Hollywood star player. Of course and all the listeners who are currently wondering where they would maybe know me from are also thinking the same thing. This guy is hot shit right now and you've been calling yourself a Hollywood star for about a decade. Yeah fake it till you make it. Yeah. Yeah. You have a podcast with the great Daniel

Van Kirk which is called Pen Pals Dave and I've been on it. Yeah. And that was fun. And then you have a tour that you're doing. You're you're you're a stand up. Is that what the I'm a stand up comedian and I have a stand up comedy tour that's going to start in April and it's called the last tour. And if you go to my Instagram at Roy Scoville go to my link tree by tickets and please tell 200 people to also buy tickets to each show. It really is. Is it the last tour because you're done or is the last tour because you think everything's done. I think probably the world will end and this is probably my last shot at getting to do this. But if I sell out every show I'll keep touring. Have you guys ever seen

videos of cats trying to get up on counters and not making it. Yes. I just had one of those in front of me and it was it's funny when it's someone else's cat and when it's your cat it's sad. Yeah. Yeah. It's it was tough to watch. My dog tried to jump on to a couch cushion those maybe not even a foot off the ground. It's a low sitting couch and he nailed his torso just right into the middle of it's a dog so you have no idea if they're in pain. They just stand there. That's like Dave and you're like are you OK. That's exactly like Dave. No pain. Dave just stands there and you're just like which way is this going to go. Yeah. I always assume you're in pain. It's a great pain. No I'm often in deep on

religion. It's a great pain. Yeah. It's. I'm having fun. See. Can you tell. I can't. I think he is. He's doing it right now. Yeah. He's a great pain. All right. So this is this will be a random newspaper. I like to guess normally what year it can be anywhere from like the 1600s. Right. David to base. So I mean you could do one from last week which would be strange. I'll guess that this one I think he definitely wants to do a good one for you because he likes you despite how he's here. I'm going to guess it'll be 1838. Oh yeah. So this is old old. Oh yeah. Sometimes this is like too old where you're like I don't understand. Sometimes it's like a fairy tale paper. All right. You're guessing the year

I'm going to guess that it's from the Columbus Gazette. Oh I like this twist. Nobody's done that. I guess the actual paper. All right Dave. Dave what year is it. It is at the Columbus Gazette. Guys you're both right. It is not the Columbus Gazette but you were so close. You were in America. It is Boston Massachusetts March 2 1837. I said 1838. Just really good. What do you mean I was off. You were you missed it. I mean you were off by as many years as I was miles. I don't think that's fair. I don't know geography so either hit the number you don't. It's like it's like roulette. You didn't hit the number. Is it called a Gazette though. It is called to say Boston Post. All right. I didn't know Rory would take this

so hard. He's really I can't even guess a newspaper. You know what he texted me right before this. I need this and it was my career needs this. Please set me up a lot. So past page one already gone. It's all it's all ads. Okay. This is a little snippet. John Pleasants of the Washington City volunteers was killed a few days since near Tampa Bay. He went out in the company with a wagon master to endeavor to find a horse that had strayed and it is supposed was fired on by about 30 Indians who were concealed behind a log. That's a big fucking log. So so he just went out to get a horse. He was out looking for a horse. His horse got out. At what at what point are you calling it a log when it's so clearly

a fallen tree like a log with 30 men behind it. And I don't even know if this tree fell. It feels like this is a strategic placement a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And I I would imagine that the horse is a bit of a honeypot that they're just like some like I'll come. Yeah. If you see a horse just cruising around you're like a white guy is going to come. We should get ready. I never feel bad when white guys die in this time from the Americans. There's no I never go like I probably had a wife. I'm like all right good get him out of here. Yeah. Well I love my country so I don't agree with that. Yeah. Tune in to Fox News. It does sound like you're saying I love my race but go on. Yeah. I mean don't they mean that when

they say that. All right. It is what they mean. Eleven balls entered a pleasant body four of which penetrated the heart. OK. That's like you know you never eleven balls. That's what they wrote eleven balls eleven balls. So that's what they were. That's what they were calling what is a I mean obviously not a bullet but a bullet. Musket ball. Right. I assume. Balls eleven balls. Well they didn't say hot balls. They could have said hot balls. Did you think. Do you think in this time period anyone's reading that and snickering at balls or is that I mean sadly to snicker. They have to be. No. No. I have to be a man. Their balls balls in 1830. When the balls become balls. Balls penetrated the heart. That's just very

ready to be. I mean that's just my brain goes straight to it. That's where I went right away. I went there right away. I felt like I was on an island. I was like oh are these guys going to take it a different way. Yeah. These dudes. The ball. It's like when I watch football and they'll be like well I really jammed it up the gut there and I'll be like haha. Come on. Nobody. Yeah. Well. Balls have been used since the hold on Dave let's take a breather. Balls and give me some oxygen here. Balls. Balls have been used to describe the testicles since the thirteen hundreds. Is it. Is it inappropriate of me that I would assume arrows. At this time. Native American. I think. I think. Don't you. In the seventeen

hundreds. You never think guns. I think by now. Eighteen hundreds are widespread guns are everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Imagine. You never picture that though. That's never a part of the storytelling. Where they just so suddenly they were just like we need to shoot back. Yeah. It's very I mean it's the American dream but we got to live it twice which I like. We did. Yeah. We got to be like now we need guns again. With balls. Struck with eleven balls. I mean one guy. One guy didn't have two balls. Or one guy at three. Imagine. Even his wife snickered at balls in the newspaper. His widow. She was like well they they could have phrased that a little bit better. Couldn't they. He's going to

have phrased better. He's always loved to laugh. I saw the body this morning but gosh it was just they really could have just proved it. Couldn't they. What a tip. What a time to live in and die. Attempted robbery. We understand that an attempt was made to enter Waltham Bank in Waltham. Shocking. Shocking. Everybody knew when you say Waltham Bank everyone's like right it's in Waltham. This wasn't a time when there had Waltham banks in other towns. Right. That's on Monday night last without success. The villains however succeeded in mutilating the lock in such a manner as to delay the bank more than two hours in their business of the succeeding day. This is big news. It's written so proper. I really respect

that mutilated the lock. Yeah. Success the following day. It's Waltham. That's classic Waltham. That's Waltham talk. Yeah. You're listening to Waltham talk on Light Rock 98.7 Waltham radio. Waltham radio. Waltham radio. Mutilated the lock. I mean how much can you do to a lock where they cut its neck hours to figure out. Yeah. You can you can slice it slowly make it bleed. Cut it like a fucking pig. Yeah. You can cut it like a pig. A lot of locks will bleed out if you get him in the right spot. Look at all these balls. No enough about locks. My dad's a lot of balls. But really you want to get him to bleed a lot and then. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Late reports from Pete King described the great drought

there during the past summer. Sacrifices and burning incense by the emperor himself and his near relations. I just realized stories. Yeah. Yeah. We were now we're on for a minute. I was like this is taking a very strange turn. You thought we're on the same story. No it's completely. Yeah. I was like peeking involved. And now you've got to use some of Waltham P. King peeking Waltham. Yeah. This is the snippets part of the paper. Okay. Late reports from P. King described the great drought there during the past summer. Sacrifices and burning incense by the emperor himself and his near relations having proved unavailing. So they tried you know the best stuff killing people and burning incense. Yeah. And that

didn't work. Orders were given to immediately examine into the cases of all criminals confined in the jails of Pashale province for slight offenses and to discharge them forthwith such clemency at hope would cause the showers to descend. That's actually is it. I think that's the best idea ever is that if there's a drought you let all the prisoners out. And then it rains. Clemency you know it's crazy like you think all the way back you know 1832 you go man back then they believed crazy stuff and so that's why they tried crazy stuff to solve problems that are sort of out of your control and yet nothing has changed in that category. I would say other than clemency other than

one of the possible solutions. Clemency is the the wrinkle. I think the biggest lesson that I have learned from doing my two podcasts with Dave is that nothing has changed. There are little differences like that where like they'll be like there was an arrow like women couldn't wear pants and you know there's obviously been a born racism sex all that. But as far as like a delusional species of morons we really just are hitting pretty much the same targets. Yeah. It's just where yeah there's always something where you're just like what the fuck is going on. And then you're like yeah yeah that's what well we didn't know any better. You know it's pretty we got to worry about

the lack of rain. Bring me goats bring me two goats and a chicken and let four prisoners go. Well now we'd be like put 10 more people in jail. It can't hurt. Yeah. See if it's their fault. I think it was them. OK so these are two just one sentence stories I guess. There's the early early tweets. Yeah this is a tweet. Kofifi. The Detroit spectator describes Dixon as having a thimble full of second hand brains. What the fuck just did. What buddy. I think I think Dixon is a town. Well a man or a town. Thimble full of second hand brain. Everyone in Dixon is stupid. OK. That's better. Second hand brain. That's a great title for an album. That is also it's

a great put down. Get out of here. Second hand brain bud. Come on. You got to hand me up. I was hoping I was hoping that there was that there was possession. A man had obviously that a man was caught with a fimble of brain. That would have been very different. Bits tiny bits of brain. I feel like that would have been more than a one hand brain just goes. It has this hurdle where it won't. It'll just go to what it pictures the funniest and it won't deal with logic for very long. And so to me I just pictured a man on a train being like I bought it fair and square. It's going to be like get out of here you piece of shit.

And it's in a thimble. That's what you think. You think it's in a thimble. You think it's in a thimble. A tiny little brain. Yeah. Well he's like he's being careful. He's like look I don't want to I'm going to do it thimble by thimble for two years like how Andy Dufresne got out of Shawshank. I I like that you're allowed to use the newspaper to just shit talk another town like that. Yeah. Yeah. There was a lot of weird papers. Like oh my god this guy was killed and he had kids and all these balls killed his heart but then over here this town is just dumb. Ever been to Dubsville. This town is just done. It says right here. It says right here in the news that this town is dumb like the

writer handing it in. This is it. Huh. Yeah. The full story. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. That's just there. They are just dumb as rocks. I went to check it out. I researched it. And just one sentence. You think one sentence covers it. Yeah. I don't think we need to get in too deep. I mean it's pretty clear. Should it be a headline. No that's the article. No that's all of it. That's it. What about what about like an explanation of some dumb things they do or look the story is what the story is. If you don't want it I'll take it to a different paper. I'm not going to. Don't think I won't take this over the Columbus Gazette. I'll go there in a heartbeat. It's about a mile away. It's only six miles down the road

miles down that road basically. Just pass that big log and I'll be on my way. No. Here's the other one line story snippet tweet. God please be from that town back. Please be from this. Please be that town rebutting. Fuck you. What's your deal. You don't even know how to pick their own locks. A lock got picked and you couldn't open for two hours. Walk me through that math. Yeah. Thimble. What kind of brain. You have third level brains or third hand brains. A man from Indiana by the name of bang has christened his first child slam. What in God's name. So I'll tell you what that's kind of hopeful like people that far back they knew how to have a little fun. They knew how to mix it up. It's not

always like a Michael or a James. You know. I mean bang and slam. You're telling me you're telling me that guy's not at the tavern every night throwing darts. Sorry. Dots having the time of his life. Is he from Dixon. Bang and slam. Real Dixon like a bit of a Dixon family situation. Second hand brain type boy. Can you imagine marrying a man named Bang and then she's like the wife's like so what do you think Daniel or maybe trap. I think slam me like slam slam like noises. We're like a noise. We're noisemen. I bang him slam slam bang. We have a girl named crash. Oh my father was right about you. You are a mystery. Slam slam slam. Anyways this was how Bang and Olafson got started. It's actually a very

successful audio company. Unbelievable. Rolling in it. Well hello there dollop listeners this is Gareth half the podcast. You know the guy who doesn't know anything. It's me. Hey listen I'm calling on the Garmie that's the Gareth army. That's what they're calling themselves nothing to do with me to join me on the road while I do some stand up comedy. Come on Garmie we need you. April 12th I will be at the Tacoma comedy club. I am doing a crowd work special so I'll be taping this so this is all riffing so join me in Tacoma on April 12th. Then Spokane April 13th April 14th April 15th Bozeman Montana those are sold out not sure I'm mentioning it. Then Los Angeles California where I sadly call home dynasty typewriter that's May 5th

Los Angeles Phoenix Arizona May 18th stand up live. Then I'm really calling on the Garmie for July I'm all over the place July 7th and July 8th I will be in Huntsville Alabama then I will be in Birmingham Alabama basically at Stardome comedy I will be in Nashville on July 10th I will be in New Brunswick New Jersey July 11th July 12th New York New York come on out that's the New York comedy club then I'll be in Stamford Connecticut on July 13th also at the New York comedy club just what it's called July 14th I'll be in Pottstown Pennsylvania then Pittsburgh Pennsylvania July 15th for the DVE comedy fest Kyle Canane will be headlining then I'm in Syracuse New Jersey at the funny bone July 16th then I'm

in Buffalo on the 18th then 19th Albany New York and then July 21st July 20th 21st and 22nd I will be at the Vermont comedy club in Burlington Vermont you can go to gareth reynolds.com for ticket information I'm calling on you Garmie gareth reynolds.com it's called the draft and we're calling up the Garmie let's do this Mr. William Tucker of Gloucester committed suicide by cutting his throat on Tuesday that is the whole thing that's the whole story that is so just matter of fact I respect it and it's like just like in the paper like reading it to your family like honey got a bang and a kid named slam and then this guy slid his throat oh wait that's a different article sorry nope oh that's here

so what's his name from Gloucester slid his own throat and he's dead now honey look the coffee it's you're going too much water it's watered down coffee man day starts yeah I said it's simply bled out slowly huh alright this is a fever this is a long story we got a long one now Armory Hall and its vicinity was a scene of great excitement yesterday Dr. Graham had advertised a repetition of his lecture to ladies exclusively that's a little nice that's a little scary I won't tell you what this is Billy Graham's great grandfather yeah let's say this alright that's a different Graham family that was their past cool but in consequence of recent statements in some newspapers a very general impression was produced

that the lecture was of a grossly indecent character so he just he just invites women only to just be like a real do like a real pervy act yeah hey I'm gonna need to so this uh this next lecture is gonna be for ladies only ah the men leave please this is sort of a rated X Ted talk men get out men leave you in the back and out is it for women only alright girls let's talk to us I would like to see what he has to say what is his story alright take your tops off let's say a mush together for candy knock those doors see if your nipples can kiss come on let's go a lot of women going okay I see why it was only women come on now it's very obvious now I'm gonna throw my I'm gonna throw my shaved

cubes at you come on okay ready fathers no one getting the hint here we go ready therefore a miscellaneous multitude of men and boys assembled to put down Graham if he attempted to fulfill his purpose of lecturing wow so the men are at the men are outside they're ready to put him down what was he saying exactly well we're gonna get there okay long before the hour appointed the door was blocked up by the crowd but about 200 females worked their way up the stairs where they were followed by a still greater number of the mob so the ladies got in somehow right at the upper end of the hall was can't read that word oh anatomical transparency with which Dr. Graham intended to illustrate certain portions of his lecture

so this sounds this sounds like he's going over the human body yeah yeah but I mean if it's women only surely he's being very specific I would think maybe he's like so this is a dong yeah I'm wondering and this is just me gambling that I'm on the right side of history go but I wonder if he's he's like it's ladies only and he's actually like trying to do some sort of noble thing of being like don't let these guys tell you yeah these men controlling your luck like maybe he's a good maybe he's a hero if there's a mob outside trying to stop him from what he's doing in the 1800s then he's the good guy yeah well maybe but you know you're right there are some there are some signs there's also I mean it's also

like guys getting out be like I want to show my penis on stage two yeah why does he get to do it come on I want to put my penis behind little curtains and open them I want to see if their nipples can kiss genuinely ladies from a scientific standpoint can your nipples kiss show us let's try one of the females undertook to say that Dr. Graham's lecture had been misrepresented a gentleman rose to reply and from that moment all was confused after call was made for Graham so they're just yelling his name but he of course did not make his appearance oh so he hasn't even shown up oh wow now and then a female I don't like that he keeps calling a female just calling women now and then a female would rise to

speak but her soft voice would be instantly drowned by the most indescribable and discordant imitations of animals there was barking mewing howling's yelling's crowing's hissing's and groanings what this is man you're right nothing does change anytime a woman tries to speak tim ellen home improvement no I'm actually trying to say something no please please what he is trying to do today grown men are doing that as opposed to yelling he's not even here he's not even here yet Dr. Graham Mr. City Marshal Parkman forced his way into the hall and assured the uproarious assembly that the doctor would not lecture during the day and requested them to disperse if you're a marshal and you insist on keeping your mister it's

a little pathetic it's pretty sad I know I want to be called yeah we'd like to go Mr. City Marshal not City Marshal Mr. City Marshal Mr. City Marshal man actually yeah Mr. City Marshal man come on please just learn it I'm Mr. City Marshal man hello and a cape of course I'm a Mr. in charge oh I'm Mr. Guy who owns the hardware store this is why they like Mr. Farmer you know Dixon isn't putting misters before their occupations this is like an idiot Dixon that's thimble brain I mean our Mr. Governor in waiting it just doesn't even understand what's going on at Dixon yeah you can ask me I'm Mr. City Planner Guy when he ceased he was loudly chaired but when a female attempted to speak the notes of the wild beasts were

again sounded and prevailed what a bunch of assholes I mean honestly yeah I know and I'm not even saying like I'm not I I mean of course there's no equality so you don't really expect but you would at least expect them to just be quiet no we're not hearing instead they're just like all right boys let's make the cacophony of animal noises again yeah yeah remember that's our go to remember that is that's how we shame them I'll be I'll be Mr. Cowell I'll be Mr. Chimp so this this is obviously an event that occurred in history before men were like where's your wife and the men would go I don't even care just to have some time yeah that was the men followed the women wherever they went where are you going woman

of mine well and I'm gonna follow you yeah my dog is barking my dog is barking right now try to shut you up but it's also when they see a group of women forming they're like I don't like this one bit yeah if I'm counting correctly that's four six twelve teen ladies that's a group that's a legal group right Mr. Mayor man woman group that's a legal woman group so Mr. Parkman requested the ladies to retire the last female referred to then said if they are going to hiss I for one won't move an inch nice this was received with a tremendous roar and cries of well done well done got it old woman Mr. Parkman Mr. Parkman again rose Mr. Parkman again rose Mr. Jesus Mr. Parkman again rose and said

I will not permit myself to imagine that there are but gentlemen in the hall and of course no gentlemen will interrupt in a way whatever the ladies as they retire several then cried out make way for the ladies we only want the doctor wow oh so the room allowed some to depart as in flocks just just to what just to give your listeners some perspective like for us Koreans to go on road in small towns yeah it's very we only want the public speaker and you're like oh god they're gonna kill me yeah the same yeah and this is what you could see on the last tour that's right yeah and that's what and that's kind of what some of my dates are as in flocks of a dozen at a time they reached the sidewalk they were

saluted with thundering shouts from the throats of the thousand thousand riders ripe for destruction the hall was then closed the docketgram sign box over the street entrance was taken down and the city marshal requested the mob to sir that's mr. city marshal man to you thank you and gradually the scene of tumult resumed its tranquility had dr. Graham appeared we are satisfied from the temper manifested and from repeated declarations of the riders that an exhibition of unlawful violence and desperate outrage would have occurred to the great and enduring grace of the character of the city so of dr. Graham's alleged obnoxious lecture we know nothing but from report but several of his friends assure us well they

didn't let him do it yeah like we don't know what he was saying in there for some reason they didn't want to come out that's a shame but we never know if these guys maybe were right to shut him down yeah right maybe he was a weird perv yeah yeah his friends assure us that it has been entirely misrepresented and then its character object and tendency are praiseworthy so I'm just realizing he was probably the first chippendale and that's why the guys were like that's ladies are all shown up because they want to see this dude strip and he's got like some horse don well and they probably like went backstage and saw it was just like an open lab coat with boxers and he had like good abs and they're

like I don't know if this guy's a doctor shut this down come on I'm gonna go out there take some temperatures get out of here men look over here it says doctor feel good yeah not someone's real name and why is there a person on his stomach is written prescription with an arrow pointing down to his genital area who is this doctor who is this doctor feel good we're gonna need to see some PhDs this this thing is labeled boner pills what does that mean don't take them Greg look it says here he's got a bullet point of the show bullet to have sex with all of the women I don't like this the snake guys like am I getting drowned out it's like a lot of you are doing really kind of vicious animals I just feel

like bark conquer his you know like you know paper over rock or something like that I can I'm gonna pick a new animal look nobody's changing animals no no one changes if you pick snake you pick snake and you live with it can I be a different snake you give me any version of a snake you can't change species okay so my snake is the owl snake my snake just ain't a dog and the dogs inside of him trying to get out I'm a dog snake I'm a dog is here no real animals Dr. Graham is on stage naked having to watch this argument we gotta shut this down but not until we get our animals straight here's a letter to the editor permit me through the columns of your paper to call attention to the heads of the fire department

of the neighboring city in towns to a new patent engine torch manufactured by Holmes and Hem and way of this city I've been a member of the fire department for eight or nine years and I've experienced a good deal of inconvenience in carrying a torch to the fire by the oil overflow wing through the screw and leaking on my clothes and I'm not the only one that is experienced the same evil evil wait what in the fuck is happening torch he's bringing a torch to the I work for the fire department and they keep firing me on account of my bringing fire is this like the original like zodiac killer like he's so in the open he's like obviously he's the arsonist but no one can tell or or is the certainly he wouldn't tell

us if he was the one starting it's me I'm doing it or it's the first fire department where the guys like where do we put the fire yeah where should I put the fire no no we're fire fighters where we fight them where we like it let's burn this guy's house down he's always been a bit of a prick firefighter is also such a cool name yeah it is for an occupation yeah well firefighter mail carrier mail carries happy to make the list oh that's nice didn't expect that made flight attention out of all of them firefighter is like legit a super hero mail carrier is pretty good mail carry information transplant her I mean I don't I don't I guess it was an actual torch like I can't find anything so he's bringing torches

and is that so he just figured out a way to keep the gas from leaking out the side on the clothes he invented a thing right is that well yeah well they essentially he this this thing he's calling a torch which I have a hard time believing is an actual torch okay it's a contraption that has like an oil like a screw and the oil then leaks onto him as he runs with it so maybe it is actually a torch because it has oil in it I say we call it shitty flashlight I've got a shitty flashlight but that is that what leaks on to me and then he's like combusting I don't love it I don't love it I'm on fire every time I go to try to help because I'm not gonna be able to make it to this one either here I go again I get

caught on fire on my way to every fire it's all the jogging things full of combustible fluid and I'm holding fire you show up lit on fire as a firefighter the homeowner doesn't have any confidence at all is your house you hear there's a fire hold on I gotta get under a blanket I'm not doing great as soon as I put out the fire on my own body can I come in and we already have a fire here we don't don't come in yeah okay there are some in the fire department of this city bought it on trial and I believe there is not an instance in which they have not given entire satisfaction and as the expense is but a trifle more than the old ones are they will don't know one month save difference in oil oh so you save

money and oil also with this thing oh because it's not leaking that makes sense yeah he's got a non leaking non leaking torching torching torch thingy not to say anything about the clothes that would be spoiled in the same time by the old ones now in use they've been so great trouble and expense to get the torch to perfection and the patent right secured this guy's letter could have been trimmed down a little to be he's like also did you when I went to camp I had a revelation it's a little bragging yeah and walk you through my process how did I do it sit back and grab some popcorn and tell you a story about a man with an idea thank you kindly I mean I wish I knew what that was maybe we'll find out later someone

will yell at us on online for sure what what the torch actually it's not an actual torch and don't be someone I'll send a picture someone will be like this yeah I was screaming I was screaming the attack upon Mr. Graham oh there's oh this is so in another part of the paper they're now talking about the thing they previously wrote about in the paper part two how part two Graham Graham story the attack upon Mr. Graham in a penny paper called the Herald is a vile and infamous libel as insulting to the respectable ladies who have attended his lectures as it is to as it is a destitute of decency and truth the stupid clan who manage this paltry concern possess neither sense discretion nor experience and are as

unsuitable to have charge of a daily press let it be ever so insignificant as a child is to be trusted with a torch Jesus another torch yeah this is the torch guys I can't start there this is an escape room of a newspaper something is afoot did somebody say torch Jesus Christ how many times does this happen to you you're running to a fire when you yourself catch on fire because of the oil from the torch you're like me often I love that it's there is something hopeful about nothing there is something hopeful about nothing ever changing yeah you go oh so there's always a mob that is uninformed does not care to be informed and fights with the most passion yes to shut down a thing that is perfectly logical and

benefits someone who is not them a minority is usually the victim here you just go okay so we didn't backslide yeah we are just on a strong plateau that is going nowhere yeah this is this is a paper a paper wrote this got everyone fired up it's literally limbs of tick tock that's what this is it really is oh my god and this is almost 200 years ago yeah that's insane almost 200 years ago it's the same shit you go back and you're like this is written on a stone tablet it's from Greece but some men were upset at the women again how highly cut the togas of the women were and thought they were tempting God boy they were sacrificed some women were saying that they were presupposing that there

isn't several gods but maybe that just lit a fire and then a group of small group of men freaked out while the rest of the rational ones just hoped it would pass and it didn't and it did not oh here's a reward is it too late 300 $300 reward that's nice change that's like a million dollars that's probably fairly close that's a retirement that's like I'm done the richest man in the world I feel like back then to buy like a hundred acres was five dollars yeah oh for real it's it's about ten grand you want to be a give me a fingernail a $300 reward it's about 10,000 today okay we were we were pretty close yeah my million dollar guess was very very very close lost on the evening of March 1st about seven o'clock

between the Boston and Providence railroad depot is bison and now it's a package from the Suffolk Bank a package directed to the Suffolk Bank Boston containing 5,500 in bills of the New England banks attract John by John by Albert Snow cashier of the Atlantic Bank Boston for $1,000 payable to the order of L green so this guy has lost $5,500 in bills and would like to give someone a $300 reward to get that back and then there's some checks in there too that's not happening yeah what well who would find it or know how to recover it and and be so earnest and honest and just look I found it if you could give me well under half may I trade in this may I trade in this almost $6,000 for 300 Mr. Yeah I mean

that is a million now that is a million dollars yeah swap 10 grand for a million truly if someone said look I lost a million dollars if you can find it I'll give you $10,000 like no you won't you won't know about it you understand how this works yeah yeah it is it's a hundred seventy seven thousand dollars is what he what he lost if anyone my guess was close again you get close I think by the end this is gonna be the Columbus Gazette that's a little prediction on my end by the way I lost some money if anyone finds that money I will replace that money with a much smaller amount of that money that's right why is everyone at the paper looking at me strange about my ad let me print it I have a patent this is just some classifieds

there's one here that says boy wanted wanted it you know what why don't you end it right there I think we know what I think we get it all right so the Catholic Church would advertise in the local paper got it we're looking for a boy anything else no boy wanted for various services boy wanted and then we're at the church charged by the letter right wanted in the hardware store an active intelligent boy about 14 or 15 years of age wow yeah wow way more innocent than what I thought yeah still sounds kind of creepy though even though back then probably boy wanted's not great boy wanted the hardware store boy wanted that's also another great title for an album boy boy wanted Andy Dick's new album like a nineties

grunge album that is very Pearl Jammy yeah boy wanted by Pearl Jam Mon senior show bear the fire king has entirely recovered I think we already know the fire king he invented the lamp yeah he invented the lamp with a plug all over the paper yeah he's back I am now the fire king this is the same paper it's been an hour I'm a fire king of the fire king has entirely recovered from his late in disposition and recommenced crawling into hot ovens handling live coals and swallowing poison with his usual sang froid wait wait sorry we had a little fun up top what the hell's happening yeah I gotta say I completely that that's where my ADHD kicked in and what was the first sentence just one more time I got the rest

of them sure Mon senior show bear the fire king has entirely recovered from his late in disposition and is recommenced crawling into hot ovens okay so you know what's amazing about this one didn't really miss much up top it's just totally crazy this man's like well I'm back to going into ovens and eating poison excuse me yeah I'm cleared honey says here the fire king's touring again he's got the same closure it sounds like where he goes into an on oven and eats poison and eat poison oh I don't know I was kind of scared I wish he'd write something new yeah I wish he'd write something new honey it's incredible that he survives every time that's really what's magical I mean towards the end it doesn't

seem like he's surviving every show that's fair oh he goes to the hospital he gets out of the hospital the show must go I don't think he's coming out of the oven get him done just think that that shows you like back then jackass was way edgier I have found a ad for is that the end of the man yeah that's it but I found an ad for the fire what else did you need to know you buy your tickets is he have a link tree I bet you this was a publicity stunt because if he had to go to the hospital then you go oh it's real I gotta go see hi I mean he's like this guy's agent he's like thirty three dates yeah we got you going everywhere yeah that's a lot of poison that's a lot of poison and a lot of these nights are back

to back this is a two shows in one day I don't know if I could do that look we're gonna say you had to go to the hospital and then after that get the people get word of that ticket sales are gonna be through the roof three four shows a day fire king that's when his agent realized he was like you know you're in the oven no one can see if you drink the poison you don't have to drink I will though once I'm in there I don't cheat my audience is like Dr. feel the most that's the most earnest performer his agent's like you can just pretend they just assume what this is him oh look at that is that the contract that's the ad so he's like yeah it looks like it's gonna go on fire and he's in the middle of

the temple of fire wow so who I would absolutely go see that show yeah are you easily the fire king who will exhibit his extraordinary exploits consisting of swallowing poisons resisting fire etc etc etc blah blah blah you get that you get it isn't that we have a lot of poisons in the chutes crotch blah blah blah yeah blah blah blah swallows balls shoot balls into his own balls penetrates own heart you've heard it before so Chris Angel who are some of your hero in the fire king well he's the guy who'd go into the oven and drink and eat poison with a window you've heard of the great fire king of 1832 haven't well he only did two shows that's probably why he died pretty quickly actually once in the hospital they

needed one more show refused to go yeah well yeah I mean I have an homage to him in all of my tricks fire king this is crazy alright whatever this is okay I can't imagine it went well are you are you the rest of the fire king no I just I just want you to just goes on and I almost want you to jump ahead one week to the newspaper we could read as obituary finally dead to sir to the surprise of no one waiting autopsy results likely poison more than likely fire in place either burning or poison but I should which one led the race place your bets now they're having fun with it place your bets now the local book if you think it was the poison with a fire had to be poison had to be okay so I have a new act

I take a bunch of poison and then I run into an oven what yeah yeah alright here's the thing I can get you anywhere in the Midwest this thing will sell like a fortune of they are going to go over the head of those Dixon people they won't understand the Dixon Dixon crowd won't get it doesn't get stuff like this well I hope so I'm from oh my lord that's where I invented this here oh boy kick me out for me at the smartest performer ever here's just a little section called religious toleration in no country our religious creeds tolerated more thoroughly than in the United States take for example the following curious list of particulars and they just list people and what their religion is Andrew Jackson president

Presbyterian Martin Van Buren president Baptist Roger Taney Chief Justice Catholic Roman Catholic just a story justice Unitarian it just goes on like this Henry Clay Baptist so all Christian yes that's what I was going to say so it's very tolerant if you're the if you're the one thing yeah one umbrella if you're under the one umbrella everything pot I sorry to backtrack slightly but is there any chance Dr. Graham is the fire oh my god oh my god and these men were trying to witness a death I also like the possibility that maybe the fire king was brought to Dr. Graham he's like I'm just I don't really have a medical degree I doctor you gotta help me I want to do an oven and I drink a ton of poison oh no no

no no I just go on stage and try to see I hate poison I drank poison the oven was on I'm gonna slip my throat oh no I don't know if I don't think your penis needs to be out for this doctor the poison's in me no it that's the type of doctor watch the poison down with poison and to be very clear the oven at a window and was on boy okay here we go that's for you the fire king used to open for doctor which they took a lot a little long to clear the stage after he went into a coma given the light again Dr. Graham stopped showing up all together much longer this act we're pretty sure he's dead in there god this guy's a nightmare right cookies he is actually cookies oh my god he's cookies curious case of exemption

from cholera the medical gazette contains a communication from a Spanish physician giving as the result of his experience quote that cholera always spares a certain number of persons and of these invariably are those individuals who have the itch oh wait so there are people who are spared yeah the people who do not get cholera have the itch right is the itch well that's the question isn't it seems like it's something about back then scabies scabies so if you know scabies here's guys scabies here's the thing so I I came aside amazing idea I have a scabie farm and all I have to do is convince everybody to get you want to live forever come roll over here with me yeah yeah get in here twenty

dollars a roll a.k.a. that's like a million dollars in 2023 a billion dollars in future money a billion dollars 200 years ago get some scabies we'll be okay I'd say pick your poison but the fire king's here I already picked mine this scabies this scabies this is like the first vaccine the people really had to go get scabies you all get collar like this is like people being like I don't know I don't know you know they're gonna follow us if they give us scabies they're gonna track our every move and then you know you then you gotta get crowd going I got collar it's fine you can't get it twice I don't even think it helps I think you're just itching so bad that you don't notice you don't go out like

I can't go out I need to stay home and roll around I gotta roll around in some sand around I can't I can't be anywhere a smart business the Marquis of Waterford recently visited the saloon of jury Lane twice knocked down a shoemaker who was there and fought a duel with Crispin whom after three shots he wounded in the leg to shoemaker not great aim not also just finally a lethal wound yeah and he just the so someone's just like calling it all right you got him yeah I did he beat up the shoemaker twice twice shoemaker ones for each shoe did it could you imagine like what is your take with the shoemaker hate this guy the sizes are wrong he won't do he won't do half sizes it's not right Cobbler I don't need an 11 and

a 10 is too small measure he's the guesstimating I'm a 10 and a half I told him I'm a 10 point 10 harder keep pushing yeah I'll push you in my leg new species for smuggling the correspondent who communicates the following assures us that the facts are undeniable on Sunday morning last as the steve boat Richmond captain Chapman was was preparing to leave the wharf a sooty lady of rather bulky appearance hello rotundity in form and in a delicate situation what the fuck is he talking about she's dirty and big she's a big shit sooty lady bulky in form rotundity all right we got it we got it but situation and in a delicate situation and in a delicate situation is an italics right sure applied I just I can't believe he described

her as a rotund I mean that's rotundity rotundity is like that's like God can't speak he's got the best rotundity I've never once heard rotundity in my life I doubt it's a word I really do think it is you think I'm gonna look it up yeah well Garrett the paper just can't print anything you're right I learned about this paper it's that it's pretty it's got a good attention to detail yeah it's called integrity here by the way the Fire Kings died of what you're not gonna believe this gunshot to the leg yeah robbery scabies he was at the bank day scabies scabies that he got from a ball Gareth rotundity is a word the condition or quality of roundness or plumpness well all right yeah shock okay she applied for her

passage to Norfolk she was decorated in the usual manner with her hair neatly paint paint painted plated plated oh plated ornamented with combs etc the captain ornamented with combs I there's a I keep looking after I brush a little I just leave it when it gets caught yeah are there any fries the captain although celebrated for his play I fell in a fire by the way the captain although celebrated for his politeness to the ladies respectfully asked the fair damsel for her free papers and they were immediately produced it fortunately happened that one of our police was present who upon examination discovered that the clerk signature was a forgery the captain then willingly relinquished his amiable charge she was conducted

to the cage and they're submitted to the gaze of the Argus eyed guardians of the night all right slow just slow your roll so all right this turned D&D rotundity was a red flag so this guy he's like get in the cage they soon discovered that the lady was not exactly as she should be a further examination then took place and after disrobing her ladies ship of a shirt pantaloons waistcoat etc all neatly folded around the body to the utter astonishment of all present she stood before them a strong able bodied proper man boy wanted it's a it's a oh my god this ingenious disguise was used to facilitate his escape from his masters or he's a fucking black guy trying to escape oh my god it's a fucking guy dressed

up like the first good lord guys you know what this means even the concept of Mrs. Doubtfire we stole it never never ends never never ends the ideas we have stolen it's an embarrassment oh what a twist I wish he made it what a great what a great attempt he seriously he tried to he tried to buzz him his buddies out of slavery yeah yeah amazing just like look at this fat woman that's quite a start someone read this story and in the 80s and was like hear me out what if it's time now if it was two of them and they lived on campus it's they live on campus but they only women are a little crazy because they can only go to school there okay we're not going to keep poking holes in the premise let's just make the show

it's not creepy why do you see it's creepy it's just two guys hiding out and they really want to go to this college and they can't and so they move in together and they live lives as lying women okay every single episode right now or at least we hope cuz we're only making 12 I think is that true was that just a one season more than one season definitely more yeah but only cuz Tom Hanks I think it actually had a pretty extended run this is gonna be retundity all over people they're saying it was the first friends this is gonna be retundity all two seasons two seasons one for each all right we should I love that they made the the prisoner just keep de-robing all right now the next layer you know back

then when they had like yeah right there's was a woman's outfit to get a little now the pants and let's also just I mean I obviously like they were on the trail of this was a man but to have to do at some point be like we're gonna need to see the vagina so yeah we have to see it keep going I knew it yeah I feel good I presume Dr. Graham indeed I Dave which one more sure here's a proof of death a subscriber to one of the Eastern papers a few days ago being sadly in arrears for the same promised the editor that if his life was spared to a certain day he would without fail discharge the bill so he owes the paper money and he's like if I'm alive I'll pay you okay that's a good out and he and so what

he do he died the day passed and the bill was not paid the natural and I died the natural conclusion therefore was that that the man was dead preceding this the editor in his next paper placed the name of the delinquent in his obituary so he wrote up an obituary for the guy so this is prior to have two sources you don't need any honestly one's plenty going too far what I call that is too too many well he must be dead print it now see what you gotta do is just sit back and say stuff like what if a guy were to eat poison in an on oven right it up page five now I see why reading the paper was actually I mean reading the paper was like yeah it was Christ like if you live in the 1830s that you were like dude

God can you believe our way this is total if you read this thing we live in a man I'm still reading last Thursday's paper last Thursday's paper is unbelievable I can't believe it the fire king is in the hospital so he even put in the attending circumstances and time and place of death pretty soon after this announcement the subject of it appeared to the editor not with the ghostly countenance usually ascribed to apparitions but with a face read as scarlet neither did it wait to be first spoken to but broke the silence what the damn do you mean by publishing my death and the editor said why sir the name that I mean by publishing the death of any other person to let the world know that you were dead but I am not dead not

dead then it is your own fault for you told me you would positively pay me by such a date if you lived until that time so this is his way the editor I'm just an asshole hello it's called okay I lied to you dumbass I win this is retract that I'm dead and also also I look do they give the amount of the debt you know it's like 80 can't be that much it can't be that much it's not even that much but there is definitely in these papers a lot of please pay your bills so there's got to be public shaming to get people to like have to pay Dennis O's Ray I rate something yeah but this is great he the guy didn't pay his bill and he got mad so he wrote him up as dead you know that's a good fuck you for not paying your

bill I guess pretty smart pretty smart do it that guy might have been a time traveler playing his cards that that's smart well Rory thank you kindly this was obviously guys thank you as good as it gets so listen to pen pals you do it with Daniel Van Kirk that's on your team Coco and that you have a lot that's you're not we are not team Coco you're oh my god you got cookie I don't want to start beef I don't want to start beef we got we got yeah with us and this is classic podcast beef we are we are independent out on our own just making our way to our own network tall team team Coco okay that's Dave likes to really gleam the cube legally he's always kind of let's tow that line kind of fella and then

go see the last tour and you can go find that on your link tree and your and I think you do some of the best stand-up promotion I get jealous of it you do pretty you mine is all half-assed they're very shitty so follow Rory if you like homemade desserts that you buy at a library then yeah my promos are pretty good selling you babe all right well thank you again Rory thank you guys you'll miss me honey