The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 22 - The Past Times with Adam Ray

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Adam Ray. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

All right, everybody, welcome to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before, and neither is our guest this week. Adam Ray. Hi, Adam. Hi, guys. Welcome to the Past Times.

Before we start, let's get the important stuff out of the way. I'm not here for your health. Adam, you have toys. What if I worse, by the way? I bet in one of these papers there will be something about, like, if you show up to an event, it'll help cure your cancer. I mean, the amount of times I've self-diagnosed myself, especially during COVID, where I was like, oof, I've got a weird throat thing going on, look it up, and it's like, you know,

eight herpes, and you're like, yikes. Well, the other thing is when you do a COVID test, I always feel like I have COVID after it. Yeah. So, like, you'll swab your nose. Say that for the stage. People still love COVID material. Okay.

All right. All right. All right. That's got to be deleted. You have tour dates all throughout. You're all over the place. So, go to adamraycomedy.com for that. Then you play Vince McMahon on Young Rock, and the season three premiere that is November

4th. Perfect. And then was there... And how about the podcast? About Last Night Podcast is my podcast. Check it out. It's a great podcast. You get great guests.

You're a Hollywood player. What can we say? I mean, I'm a Seattle baby in a Hollywood world. Yeah. Doing well, though. Just trying to use my softball legs and my t-ball body to make as many moves as possible. That's a hot day of offense that compares himself to the t-ball body, too. So, maybe one day.

Yeah. The t-ball body is... You know what's so funny about that? Just real quick, I just had a buddy of mine make a flyer for me to post for my 2023 dates. And I found I was like, oh, let me pull up an old, like, pick, a kid pick. And I have one where my mom. It was the Jamboree. I was playing on a team called the Ninja Turtles.

This is like... Mm-hmm. Like, literally... It was what... It must have been nine or 10. So, it was before, like, minors and majors and stuff, where you played on actual, you know, team names. And so, I had these hammer pants and the North King County Little League shirt.

And I had, like, the Lloyd Christmas Dumb and Dumber haircut. And my hair is, like, oozing through underneath the hat. And my mom, single mom, doing her best, four jobs, overcompensating, left and right, thinks she needs to capture every moment of this Jamboree, you know. And she goes, take a... She goes, I want to take a picture. And I go, what do you want me to do? She goes, lean on that tree.

So I lean on the tree. And she goes, look handsome. And I leaned on the tree and made, I guess, the most handsome, fuckable face I could make at nine. And that's the picture I have for the flyer. It literally looks like I'm trying to just go, hey, pedophiles, what are you doing here? Look handsome is, like, the... Such a Jewish mom quote.

Well, it's also one of those ones where it's like, look, I have what I have. It's like deeper during sex. You're like, I can't... This is deep. This is it. You don't think I've tried to go as deep as possible? Like, this is... We've reached the end.

I'm as handsome as I can be. Exactly. All right, Dave, you look unamused. So why don't we... I was just thinking about how hot I was at nine. What a horrible thing to think of yourself. By the way, you don't get hammer pants with three jobs. So go ahead, Dave.

What do we got? Talk to us. Okay. You want to guess the year? I'll guess. It can be anywhere from 1650 to 2022. I think you'd want to impress Adam. So I think we'll be in 1834 territory, wagon wheels, cure syphilis or something like that.

That's true. Adam, you want to take a guess? So I'm guessing the year that we're about to pull from? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. What are my options again from when to when? 1650 to 2022.

I'm going to go 1970. That's interesting. Much, much closer. Well, yeah, it is 1912. Okay. Cool. Okay. I can't be much closer.

I was being confused with 1812, which there was a war in that year, which is one of the few historical... Allegedly. One of the 1812 war naysayers. It's maybe the only thing I really... I remember my history teacher in seventh grade pushing that down our throats, the war of 1812. We must have spent...

You know how they always dictate? They're like, we're going to spend two months on the Holocaust and a week on 9-11, and you're like, it hasn't happened yet. That seems odd. Yeah, that's crazy for your teacher to be like, plus we're going to do 9-11. You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.

And January 6th is going to get a lot of hubba, but January 5th is the real day to talk about. You'll see. You'll see. The war of 1812, I feel like we spent a lot, too much time on, some would say. I don't even remember. We should name them after more years, so we remember them. 1000.

All right, so 1912. 1912. 1912, March 11th, 1912, it is the Sue City Journal from Sue City, Iowa. Cool. I mean, Iowa's boring now. What was it like then? Well, okay. Was it boring?

Because on page one, the headline is, an all night fight with a pack of wolves. What the fuck? That's awesome. It's a great opener. Now, is this a gang who called themselves the pack of, or the wolves, you know, like the greasers? Yeah. Or are we talking actual wolves?

Yeah, actual wolves. They had wolf emblems on the back of their jackets. How's you going down an alley? Tony the wolf. Yeah. Jason the wolf. Yeah. This is from, Chippewa Falls, this happened in, J. Thomas is in the hospital here after-

The broadcaster actor? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, the Wendy's guy? Oh, no, that's Dave Thomas. Dave Thomas was his brother who, by the way, helped out with some of the cheese concoctions, but never got any credit.

He also went on the road as Dave for appearances when Dave got overwhelmed with the recipe. He's like what Tom Hanks' brother does for, when he does like the voice of, like, the woody toys, he just so Hanks throws him a bone. Yeah. J. Thomas, yeah, he dresses up and does like all the PA appearances that Dave can't make. He's the second Gallagher or he's a Kinnison's brother. Yeah. Yeah.

J. Thomas is in the hospital here after an all night fight with a pack of wolves in the northern part of the state. He was overtaken while on his way to a neighbor's home, and although armed only with a large jackknife, battled with the animals, killing several, and finally succeeded in driving them away. So the first thing that is a red flag to me is that it's walking. What? Well, it's just that this is such a different time, because your neighbor was probably like

two acres away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because normally your neighbor for a pack of wolves, they would hear you screaming or being like, I'm pen knifing the wolves, but you're so in the middle of nowhere. So that's probably what was happening. Yeah. The other thing is I feel like he could embellish this a little bit, you know. Like maybe he killed not as many wolves, maybe it was a wolf, maybe it was a cat, like a

domestic cat. I mean, I feel like you'll see wolf bodies, but yeah, it feels, he's the only one. So you could be fudging the numbers or something. One would think they would go out and check for the wolf bodies. Like if you heard that story, first of all, it's 1912, there's nothing to do. If somebody says I killed a bunch of wolves, the whole town is going to go look at the wolves. Yeah.

I feel like up. Yeah. Any sort of number of dead wolves gets a write up or that becomes hearsay or gossip. I feel like dead. Anything. Yeah. Yeah. The great band name.

Great. They're better than the Ninja Turtles. I think I say better than Ezra. Yeah. And it might be. For sure. Yeah. But, but dead anything gets a lot of, you know, the wolves, he was up all night.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course he was. Or was he? Or maybe it was a quick, maybe he just went across like one, you know, have you ever been clothes lined by a fucking guy at the park when he's trying to like walk across, you know, those lines that you go to, I've been to one park in my life and there was a bunch of tiptoe.

What are they called? Catwalkers? No, it's the, um, you know, they, they'll attach a string across from a tree and boom, circle gets a square. Yep. So he's walking across one of those and the thing like I ran into it and they're like I almost sliced my neck off and, um, anyway, I digress. I did not fall.

I leaned up against the tree, nine year old style and was like, no. And so, um, so, uh, so I think if you, whether it's one, uh, you know, swift slice and you get all, how many wolves do we find out the exact number? Yeah. What is the number? Do we know? We don't know how many wolves. I'm gonna say 12 is high, but I think if this guy's killing one, he's killing all

12. So everybody goes into a family or a pack of wolves because a pack of wolves, a pack of Corona premiers, we're thinking what 24, right? So yeah, but I'm also, how many, how many wolves do you have to kill before like the other wolves? Like, all right, fuck it. Retreat. Like you've got to really put on some wolf murder for other wolves to be like, let's get

out of here. I don't like our chances. Also, is it like the hyenas and the Lion King or like you, if you, like the more you kind of instigate, the more come out of the woodworks and start to attack, like, or they stand around like the bad guys, they won one on one. They let it play. Yeah, that's neat. So are we, are we now wondering if the actual pack of wolves is like a cartoon hyena?

Dave, we're just exploring theories of how this could have played out. I guess we are, Dave, and I resent the fact that you're not wanting to throw any sort of validation towards the theory that these wolves could have been cartoon wolves. We'll be right back. Yeah, we'll be right back. And also, I'm going to start saying circle gets the square a lot. So there's that update for me personally. So to wrap it up, to wrap it up, he is suffering with exposure and a number of bites given

him by the wolves probably will recover. So he got the business. Exposure is the first thing the doctor put out there besides the wolf bites? I mean, he was cold. Is that what exposure means? Yeah, it means he was out in the cold for so long. His nose is running and his arm is off. That's the list of worry I have.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine this kind of first date? It's just slowly drying up every vagina in the restaurant and my arms off and my nose is running. They're like, I'm going to go. My friend's outside. His nose is the wettest thing in here. That's for sure.

OK, next headline. Serenade is arrested. This is from Sioux Falls. Wow. Garrett Van Hees and John Noteboom, Young Men Living and then. Come on. Yeah, come on, Dave. We're not going to say.

This is handwritten. Yeah. Noteboom. Yeah. Noteboom. It's a hard pass on Noteboom. That's what I call a text, by the way. I'll noteboom you.

That's how you get, no, you're getting catfished, by the way. You swipe left and you're like, so, John Noteboom, that's, what is that Greek? He's like, it's actually not real. It's actually bullshit. Yeah, it's actually bullshit. I'm from the island of bullshit. No, I don't work for Chuck E. Cheese. I'm to-do list.

OK, Noteboom. Welcome to-do list, yeah. That's a poem. That's like a poet name. I'm a Noteboom. All right, relax, Shakespeare. All right, yeah, take it easy. Young men living in the vicinity of Corsica have been bound over under bonds of $500 each

for trial, the charge that of unlawful assembly. The charge against them is the outgrowth of a tin pan serenade tender by themselves and other young men to Isaac de Velder, a prominent young farmer, and his bride. It is charged that the two defendants, in particular, created a great disturbance and committed considerable damage to property. I'm lost. So they sang to a couple? A bunch of dudes went and sang a song to-

Wear these wools when you need them. Get these wools over here. Classic Noteboom, by the way. Too many dudes, not enough girls. I said no. Yeah, so they sang to this couple and then they created a disturbance. But the thing that gets me is they made considerable damage to property by singing. But why are they, like, are they trying, what's their angle?

Are they happy? There's no, I guess, are they happy? Well, I mean, a group of dudes, I'll be honest, I feel like they're trying to bang the bride. And I feel like they're over there like trying to sort of like, you know, kind of wedge in there a little bit. I can't imagine them being like, we're so happy for you. We wrote a bunch of jams, you know, and they're like, Jesus Christ, why are they beating that fence down?

Do we know what they were serenading? Was it an original? If it was a nope, was it a notepoom? Was it like we're definitely trying to fuck your wife? This is what you do when you have no life. This is what happens when your dad leaves soon. Honey, run. Honey, get up.

We need to get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Come on. All right. Take my hand. Get out of my back.

Get out. How are they not out of breath? Go. Go. Oh, my God. Sweet God. This is what happens when... We're not going to make it out of here alive.

You didn't finish high school. I love you so much. I like them. I'm moist. Oh, God. What happened? This is what happens when... They just took a gazebo down.

What is with this group? This is the most aggressive set of serenaders ever. A note. A note boom. Okay. I just looked up tin pan serenade. Yeah. They're banging a pan.

It's just making a noisy disturbance. It's stomp. Oh, God. It's stomp. Oh, my God. It's stomp without the fanfare. Stomp with like a pan. Oh, God.

It's bootleg stomp. Early stomp. Early stomp. Oh, God. Nothing worse than early stomp. Dollar store stomp. Which is a strip club I have been to and I'm not ashamed of it. No.

No. That dollar store stomp. By the way, that's... Banging a pan. It's not catchy. By the way, stomp had to start somehow, and I bet it's not too far off from that. Well, we needed over 100 years. Yeah.

Yeah. Do we know the origins on stomp when it debuted? Dave, will you pull those records up? Dave, do you have those records there? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's a self-Google.

Someone else can look that up. Yeah. A portion of stolen money is returned. Interesting. A Chinese... It just calls them a Chinese. It just calls them a Chinese. A Chinese returned...

And by the way, that was progressive then. They were like, wow, it's nice to open the paper and see that we're finally being fair to others. A Chinese returned to the Victorian branch of the Bank of Montreal today, $4,650 of the stolen money from the new Westminster branch of the bank last September, what it's March. There's a lot going on. It's a Montreal bank. The sum was part of that alleged to have been found by Chinese boys in Tipperary Park two

weeks ago. At that time, stolen banknotes began to circulate in Chinatown, Vancouver, and Chinese pressed by the... They were in Chinatown. Chinatown, Vancouver. Oh, this is Victoria, B.C. Oh, I see what's going on. And Chinese pressed by the police, returned to the bank, $4,000, they said they had found hidden in the bark.

So someone stole a bunch of money from a bank. It was clearly a Chinese guy, and the cops started sniffing around. Let's be fair. It was a Chinese. Sorry, a Chinese. Now, how imperative is the ethnicity? Because this feels like one of those stories when your racist friend who says he's not racist will go out of his way to be like, so my friend Mike, right?

He's chasing these pigeons at the park, Mike's black, and he runs at the pigeons, and you're like, are pigeons afraid of black? Why was that extra detail necessary, you know what I'm saying? Like, do we need to know why these robbers are? That is a classic. No, they're actually not. So John McNamara was arrested in New York and Charles Dean in Los Angeles in connection with the robbery.

So they must have actually hid the money in the park. And then it was a park in Chinatown, so the Chinese people just started spending it, and then the cops are like, what the fuck, man? And then they returned it. See, that would get me into parks more. So far, there's a lot more interesting stuff happening in parks. If there was money buried in parks, if you just announced that in like 15 parks there was treasure, you got a different park pulse.

That's a great reality show, by the way, like Treasure Map or Treasure Hunt or like Scavenger Hunt, but like, has there ever been a reality show that's an actual scavenger hunt? Because those are great. That honestly, we should start doing that as a country. Things are going pretty poorly. Yeah, hiding treasure is always fun. Let's just have a treasure stimulus. Well, everybody needs to go outside more.

Everyone is thirsty for an adventure. Everyone is looking for some group activity, more money. And it's like a, you know, it's goal oriented. You get like, it's a group activity, you know, it's, you're also getting, yeah, go ahead. Well, there's going to obviously be, there'll be a rise in violence now that we kick the can a little further down the street. Oh, a thousand percent. There's going to be a lot more.

But this is part of the reason why you're doing it. I mean, totally, we could call the herd and have a little fun at the same time. Yeah, I think it's, this is bipartisanship. A lot of drone footage, right? Yeah, totally. We've got walks of life digging through like a home plate at a softball field at a local park. I like that.

No utensils. No utensils. There's no shovels or spades allowed. It's hands and feet only. Hands and feet only. Yeah. It's like dodgeball for, for treasure hunts. Yep.

Yes. All right, Dave, signing off. We are signing off. Who hosts it? I think, I honestly think you as Dr. Phil would be a great host for something like this. Well, I've always been someone who said, you know, I've always been someone of a scavenger, you know, and back in my heyday. And by that, I mean, when I was crushing puss, I used to ask myself daily in the mirror as

I brush my teeth, sitting down by the way, and always try to multitask and maximize my, my day by, by pooping and brushing at the same time, but not in that order. We'll be right back. We'll keep it right here. And I think if you get married in your twenties, you'll be divorced in your fifties. And I've always said that. Okay. It's like, it's like, look, if you tell yourself, I'm looking for money, not I need money, then

you'll get money. We'll be right back. And that doesn't make sense to you. You're poor. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what, is he, is there a script he's going by? Is this a row? No, there's no script.

I think that's the brilliance to him. I literally will look at someone and be like, you have no passion. Okay. And they're like, my mom just died. That's why I'm here. But you don't, but you, but you don't seem excited. You fucking asshole. I literally just told you, yeah, I lost the parent.

Well, maybe that's why you lost your job. We'll be right back. It's like, wow, man, connecting the dots that don't need to be connected. That's his whole thing. I think Phil hosts it. I think it's a great show. I think putting, putting money in the ground for people to dig up is a great, I think we could sign off.

I think we could sign on. Yeah. We might have to wait for Trump's second term, but I like it. Yeah. That's definitely sounds like something he would put in motion. We're doing treasures and parks. Treasures and parks. It's finally happening.

Everybody wants it. Except for Pence. He hates it because it involves his favorite thing. Also, Pence has been buried. Whoever finds him gets to be the new, it's like a Dalai Lama situation. If you find Mike Pence, you're the new VP, okay? It's like when you find that little, that special toy in your box of Frosted Flakes. It wasn't supposed to be there.

Frosted Flakes never advertise their toys in the serial. That's a Cheerios move, but Frosted Flakes did it because Tony's a company man. They're great. They're great. They're not good. They're great. Okay. This is add two, oh man, you're about to have a lot of fun listening to the Dalai.

Hey, before you do, let me tell you about some dates where I, Gareth Reynolds, will be doing some standup on the road. Please join me, Garmy. That's the Gareth army. Everyone is using that. It's not up to me. It's just caught fire. Check out the hashtag.

I will be in Los Angeles, California, May 5th at the Dynasty typewriter. Phoenix, Arizona, May 18th at standup live. Then July, it's going to be crazy. Calling on the Garmy. Let's do this. I will be Huntsville, Alabama, July 7th, July 8th. I will be in Birmingham, Alabama, July 9th. I will be in Nashville, Tennessee, July 10th.

New Brunswick, New Jersey, July 11th. New York Comedy Club on July 12th in New York City. Then Stamford, Connecticut, July 13th at the New York Comedy Club, just what it's called. Then Pots Town, Pennsylvania, July 14th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, July 15th, part of the DVE Comedy Fest. July 16th, I'll be in Syracuse, New York, and then Buffalo, New York, July 18th, Albany, New York, July 19th, and then July 20th, 21st, 22nd. I will be at the Vermont Comedy Club in Burlington, Vermont.

You can go to garethrenalds.com for ticket information. The shows are going to be a lot funnier than this ad, so I'm looking at you, Garmy. You're drafting soldiers for the, now I'm getting a little too deep in this analogy, but anyway, join me, garethrenalds.com for ticket information. Let's go, Garmy. This is a story from Los Angeles. Disinherited wife to try to break will. Miss Caroline Ford, who was acquitted of the murder of her husband, AP Ford, several months

ago, so she was acquitted several months ago, and who tried to commit suicide a week ago, so she's got a lot going on. Okay. Yeah. We'll take steps. Disinherited, try to take her own life. We'll take steps to break the will left by her husband. We'll take steps to break the will.

I'm holding a pen now, the way like an NFL analyst does. There's nothing to write down, but I now have a pen for just effect, even though this is a podcast, I feel like it's important to point out. Here's the thing. Well, she is trying, what is she trying to do? Her husband was killed several months ago. Okay. They think she did it.

She didn't do it. He, right, she was acquitted of that murder, and then she tried to kill herself a week ago. Sure. Now she's challenging the will. The will was made a few days before Ford was killed by his wife. Wait, they just said she was acquitted, and now the next paragraph, they're like, she did it.

Now, we want to point out she was acquitted for the murder two days prior to murdering him, but she did for sure. Do we know why she murdered him? Well, murder him. The will expressly states that quote, no provision is to be made for my wife. Wow. That's a great clause. I'm going to pop, I'm not married, but I'll definitely pop that in, especially if I die

unmarried. Yeah. Just to confuse people. Most. I don't want my wife getting any of this. He wasn't married. Well, because I just feel like, like Bezos or Bill Gates, I feel like those are the wives that I would be first to go like, oh, murders in the cards, just because of how much is

at stake to gain. But yeah. Yeah. I don't know why you would murder if there's nothing to gain, right? I mean, you know. Well, I mean, you know. Sometimes I've murdered just because I want to get away with it. Yeah.

It's the thrill. For the love of the game. Yeah. Love of the game. Yeah. Also, I guess if you just really want that, that's the, you know, the better side of the couch. Yeah.

Yeah. I've killed for couch seating. I've killed for couch. Yeah. I've killed for couch. I've killed for couch. Have you watched the Dahmer doc, by the way, or the series? No.

I'm from Milwaukee. So I, you know, I'll see your big Robin Yacht fan. I'm a big Yacht fan. I love Dahmer. I'm a big Yacht fan guy. Yacht and Dahmer. I, when I was 11. That's a law firm you should never trust.

Yacht and Dahmer. We will defend you no matter what. And I'll eat you. Easy, Jeffrey. We're just, just say the phone number, like we said. If the bases are loaded, we'll eat your dad. What? You guys should really work on your fucking business card.

We're here to catch grounders and I'll cook your brain. All right, Jeff. Just remember, just say the every corner. We're not looking to hit doubles. We would hit grand salamis. And speaking of salami, your heart looks like a salami when we cook it needed. I'll drug you, take you home and store your skull. All right, Jeff.

Just. We will win your case or eat you. That's right. No, I haven't. But when I was 11, I went into a comic book store. Like I would go there with my friends and I really had no interest in comics. And there was a Jeffrey Dahmer comic. Holy shit.

And they sold it. I just bought it because I was like, it was like in the news. And I bought it and I went home and like leafed through it. And it was to say that it was graphic. It was just like, I remember like page five was like Dahmer getting his dick sucked. And then like page eight was like putting a man in acid. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? I remember even at that age being like, why was I sold this?

Was it one of those things? Was it like, you know, sometimes you, I don't know if you ever bought fireworks as a kid. We went to this place called Boom City about an hour and a half north of Seattle. And the guy we walk up, we're in seventh grade and my buddy's dad drove us up there. And we get out and we go to this one stand. The kid looked like Dahmer, but with a mullet and like goatee. And like he had a more of a fun vibe. He didn't look like he was going to eat.

Kind of like yowls. Honestly, he was robbing yowls probably kid or early. It was very yowty. And he had a nice disposition. And he was like, we were like, give us some Roman candles and as many bees as you got. Right. We thought we could get away with buying bees and lighten those without any sort of cop calls. Right.

In the neighborhood. And then he was like, are you guys cops? We were like, no. Kids. Like we're fucking in seventh grade, by the way, which is hilarious that he asked that. And it wasn't a joke. And then he got, we're like, no. And then he goes, all right.

And then he pulls out like this. Look what to be like a small missile. Like it was like, if we go back to Desert Storm, they want to use this. And it was like, this is 500 bucks. We're like, we just said we wanted bees. And now you're upgrading right out of nowhere. So I wonder if that's the same thing with the comic book thing where somebody was like, you came in being like, hey, do you have the gummy bears?

Do you have Lobo? Yeah. You like Lobo. You're going to love. You're going to love this guy eats people. Is he a Marvel figure? He worked at the Ambrosia Chocolate Factory. He drug dudes in bars and the cops let him get away with it.

I'm looking for like, is it, is it Stanley? No, it literally just happened like a month ago. Yes, Spider-Man. We got Ted Bundy. Same deal. You know the picture Spider-Man pointing at himself? Lobo wears a lot of weird makeup, right? How about John Wayne Gacy?

He was like super clown. I'm looking for the legend of Zelda. Hey, you want to see a picture of the knife Lorraine Ababa used? You're like. I shouldn't, right? You're the grownup here. No, no, it's fine. Just don't tell your dad.

He's your dad, right? Yeah, I'm your dad. I'm your dad in the store. Okay, so back to the disinherited wife. The estate's valued at $17 million. Holy shit. And that's 1912 bucks. Yeah, and it was bequeathed to business partners of Ford.

Lack of funds and the struggle for existence that compelled her to seek employment as a domestic were given by Miss Ford as a reasons for trying to commit suicide. Wait, what is it? She had no money and she had to try to get a job as like a house cleaner or a maid or whatever. She felt so ashamed by work. She had to live real life.

She had to be a person. But also, there's a lot of money at that estate. But he put in his will. I know. You don't need to tell me about the great clause. My wife gets nothing. Nebraska insane. Wait, real quick, can I ask, and you said it real quick

and I don't want to, because I know there's probably a portion of the audience out there that I am representing. Bequeathed, right? That's what you said? Yeah. That means again, it deserves, what does that word mean again? Yeah, like given to, like, yeah. Yeah.

Inherited, is that another way to go with it? Sure. I'm a child, so I hear bequeathed and I think queefed, so I'm like, bequeathed, you know, like there's other people out there using the word improperly. Do you know what I'm saying? That maybe don't know. No, this is fair.

This is a good PSA. There's a lot of people out there. Dude, so she died and queefed them all the money. That's correct. Basically, he bequeathed to her, so if she queefs, she gets it. Yeah, and there's a guy out there, by the way, you know, having some fun. 75% of males in the Northwest are constantly calling women out for bequeafing during sex.

We'll be right back. Sorry, that was more for the audience. I think I'll be honest. You know, my 12-year-old was like, look, it's pretty close to queef. Totally, but I truly didn't know what it meant, because I, again, I heard the word and then failed to pay attention to the rest of the sentence. No, no, no. We need your focus.

We need your focus, so that's good to get it out. The next headline was also intriguing, so it's nice breadcrumbs we have sitting in a Nebraska insane Morris Christensen, a car repairer, a car repairer. Sure. That was a mechanic. No, no, no. We took that one down a notch. Yeah, we did.

Dr. Carr. A car repairer on the Northwestern attacked his wife and two-month-old infant with a red-hot poker Sunday morning. See, it's good to get the laughs out early in one like this, because then it just turns into a man trying to stab his family with a fire poker. A Sunday morning with a declaration that, quote, God has told me to do this. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know God told him.

That's one of God's main things. He's like, get a poker, heat it up. It's my day. I really love my family. Sunday's for me. Stab him. Lord's Day, shit's going to get weird. So he said God told him to do this.

So he had to do it Sunday, because he couldn't get away with using the God's scapegoat on Friday afternoon. No, no, no. It does not work. Yeah. They'd be like, he's not talking to us on Sunday, on Monday, liar. Miss Christensen fled with a child and escaped to the home of a neighbor after sustaining slight burns.

Wolves, look out for wolves. Watch out for the wolves. Seven miles. Yeah. Christensen ran away and was later caught by a constable. It is believed he had gone insane over religious topics. He was converted at a rival revival meeting recently. Oh, so he went to a rival revival?

Isn't that a rival revival? It's not a Disney plus show that Reese Witherspoon created. So rival revival. He goes to a rival revival. By the way, rival revival. That's great. That's it. Wait, how about this?

Here's an acting tongue twister. Sure. Fivals, rival, revival. Disney's Fivals by 540. There it is. Disney's Fival Viral. Fival? Disney's Viral Fival Rival Revival.

Turn it. Lock it down. Got it. Say it 10 times fast enough. There we go. That's better than red leather, yellow leather. If you say it 10 times fast, Stanley Tucci shows up to your house and sings, Somewhere out there.

It's the only show with no promos. Okay, so he goes, he's like, I'll just go to this church for a minute. And then he's like, whoa, now I'm talking to God. And God's like, hey, stab your wife and baby. And then the constable gets him. And he's like, look, the God told me to. And he's like, which church were you going to? And he's like, the rival revival one.

You're not supposed to go in there. That one's bad. Basically, that's the clip notes. Yeah, that's it. A lot of murder back then, by the way. Like you said, just not much going down. No. You had to create the excitement.

You hear the Lord in your head. You're so fucking, but you're so Lord. You serve board. You got the Lord. Your Lord board. Your Lord board. And you have a lot of time. You have too much downtime to fill up the dome with thoughts that shouldn't be there.

Oh, and we have so many things on the dollop where it'll be like, man walking. And they'll be like, everyone came out to watch the man walk. It was fuck all going on. Oh yeah, they would all come out to watch. There was a guy who walked backwards. There was a guy who walked backwards across the country. Yeah. And I'm, dude, it was like the biggest thing.

That's a bad example because I'd drop everything to watch that. I would too. So imagine it like. Reverse forest gump. Yeah. How much are tickets? Gum forest. Gum.

Yeah. Well played. Imagine. This is your podcast. All right, so is there more to that one? That's it. That's it. That's all we got.

Short and sweet. That's amazing. Sansom on stand and his own behalf. Antonio Sansom. Sansom. Okay. That's the name. Antonio Sansom on trial for killing Joseph Camarada last year took the stand in his

own defense at noon today. Sansom, who was but 19 years old, calmly told the jury how he stabbed Camarada in self-defense and of the events that led up to their fatal quarrel. He smiled almost continually while being examined. Yeah. I don't buy that he did it out of self-defense. This guy was, again, Lord bored and just, you know, looking for maybe somebody double dog there.

I bet you can't kill that. You know, you're 19. What have you done with your life? He's like, I don't know. Have you killed anyone yet? Yeah, it's halfway over. Man, now what I'm real curious about, and then we'll pop right back to this, but at what point, like, what was the activity that kind of took murder out of the equation that

made people go, hey, there's something else to do? We have a clue as to what may have led to this murder. Sansom is a fruit dealer. Okay. Camarada, whom he killed, was also a fruit dealer. We have a fruit crime. It's fruit. This is fruit.

Well, fruit. Fruit violence. There was a lot of fruit violence in 1912. It was a brutal fruit. The fruit wars. Fruit violence is only for dead anything next year. At the Sugar Ray Festival of Lights. At the Rival Revival.

At the Rival Revival. Fruit violence was really bad back then. So this is, there's a fruit. It's a fruit murder, and he's on the stand with a big shit eating grin about self-defense. Yeah, he just keeps smiling, which is a giveaway that you, like, that's the one thing they should say. They should be like, well, they probably didn't even think about that. They probably didn't even think, like, we don't have to tell them not to smile, right?

Probably, yeah. The defense, like, they were probably like, look, when you're up there, it's very important that you say stuff like this. So he's like, right, yeah, okay, okay. And then they were like, just whispering to each other, like, did you tell them not to smile? I didn't think that was a thing you had to tell someone. He looks happy.

No poker face. Yeah. No poker face. It's like OJ, like OJ, I feel like, like let out smirks every now and then on the, on the trial. Yeah. Yeah. Especially at the end, but.

Yeah, but then you think of like Johnny Depp, and everybody found him to be a sympathetic figure, because he was like, God, he's really partying over there. You're like, I don't know what's going on anymore. You're right. We actually, we had so much compassion for Depp, like they'd be like, Johnny, is it true that you texted Paul Bettany that you would quote, strangle her and kill her in her sleep, because she just the side of her made you want to puke up your own blood? I don't remember texting that, but I guess I did say that, and that was very funny.

Sometimes I'm very funny. Yeah. Or you just be like, that's Pinot Noir for you. Yeah, yeah. And everybody's like, go, Johnny, you old drunk. We've all had one too many short nays at the Disneyland. It's going to be a tick-tock, and people will be like, he's hot again. Johnny's so hot right now.

You can bring your own wine to the park if you've been in two of their movies. Oh God, that is so endearing. No, he talked about strangling a woman. God, I love Johnny. No, but not with my hands. I was wearing Hulk hands that I bought at Universal City Walk. Not with my hands. Not dynamite.

God damn. Yeah. All right. Well, a lot of killing. A lot of killing. And this is pretty good for a paper, by the way. There's normally like a lot, like I'm saying, like a lot of the articles, you'll just be like, why is this a paper?

Oh really? Yeah, this is like, I was really surprised, because you think I would just got a lot more boring. Like, I would pay for today is more boring than this. This is a boring one? Yeah, I want a boring one. A great artist's philosophy, according to Tetrezini, all American women are trying to be everything but what they are fitted to be, domestic.

She talks like a copy book and elaborating her view. If you can't sing Arius in Grand Opera, bake pies. If you can't paint really good pictures, darn socks. If you can't have real great genius, have children. If she were not a great singer, she would make a successful lecturer. Now, that's just general woman philosophy he's spouting, right? Well, that's a woman saying that, I think. Oh, it is?

Yeah, that's a woman. That's a woman making, saying that's what women should be. And then at the end, the guy's like, she should be a lecturer. Like, she's got some great ideas. Women should bake pies. Your options are either be a genius or be domestic. I mean, yeah, when you put it that way, absolutely. No, no, no, I'm not pitching you, Dave.

Yeah, that's a, I mean, if you got to commit to that stance, if that's your stance. Yeah. Now, is it just bake pies and that's it? Like, bake pies and then go to bed? Well, I mean, really, can you fill up bacon pies? Back then, I mean, I feel like, well, I mean, I feel like at that point, it's the, you know, it's a man's world.

Yeah. You know, there's probably a lot of horrible things that are going on if you just force her into a life of pie baking. Yeah. If he sees you not baking pies. The fuck are you doing? Yeah. Sorry, sorry.

Taking a break. From what? It's baking. Why don't I smell cherry blossom? What the hell's going on? What a terrible time to be alive. Here's more women news. I saw so many people are getting killed.

OK, more. This is this one's headline, the work of women. According to the ruling of a Chicago magistrate, a man who is forced to do housework is justified in getting drunk to forget his troubles. See, I still agree with this one. This is this one doesn't age poorly. A recent prisoner charged with drunkenness

pleaded that he had been taking care of his home. Oh, as you were, sir, as you were. Sorry. Cooking for his wife and himself and that the work was so uninteresting that it got on his nerves. The only relief he could find was to drink. See, now we would diagnose this today as alcoholism. But then you were just like, this man has a rational excuse.

He had to do some stuff. So he was allowed to get shit-canned at home. I mean, I love that this is news. A guy got drunk. Yeah, how did this end up there? Yeah. I don't know. There's just a guy who got a guy who had to do housework

and hated it so much that he got hammered. And they're like, this is. Now, was he arrested? Yeah, that's why he got arrested. Yeah, and then that was his excuse to the judge. And the judge was like, he's right. Yeah. Dan V. Bottle.

This headline, Clark finds little work and is in no humor to pay rent. See, the paper has finally come back down to earth. It started with some lofty murders, wolf attacks. But now it's just like, God can't pay rent. He doesn't have a job. And they're like, yeah, we should run with that. Yeah.

When are you going to break that story wide open? Man grows beard too long. Looks like brother, who fucks brother's wife. Yeah. GL Clark, who rents a house at 1111 Deisa Street from Harry Olsen. The addresses are always printed. Always, no matter what happened.

Victim, murderer, whatever you did. They give you exact coordinates. Exactly. They let you know if you want to get involved, they have a chapter two, very available. Yep. Wow. That's amazing.

That's amazing. So he rents a house from Harry Olsen, was fined $10 in police court for a vigorous attack on Olsen, made because the landlord frequently asked for back rent. Clark explained. OK. By the way, you should be able to do this. This should be legal to do to landlords.

So Olsen's constantly chirping at Clark. At Clark for not paying rent money. Yeah, he wants rent. And he's like, look, man, I'm going to murder you over this. You keep this up, dude. Yeah. I don't think you realize how many pies I have stored up. I don't think you understand what this relationship is.

You have to pay rent. That's it. I'm kicking your ass. Clark explained to the court that Olsen's visits grew unbearable. Saturday night, when Clark came home and found the landlord prowling about the house for a place to get in, he chased the intruder away.

I told him before that there was no work now and there was no use for him to come around after money till I could get a steady job. In the last two weeks, I have made about $6. And this doesn't go far with a wife and three kitties to support. Now, please tell me kitties is spelled K-I-T-T-I-E-S. It is not. I'm sorry.

It's the actual. You understand how much milk I got to give for these little things? I have a nipple apparatus. I'm saving up for you fucking piece of shit. I'm enough money for your rent. This is how it should work, though. That is how it should work.

Yeah, you get to chase your landlord. Well, I don't know if I'm going that far. Pump the brakes there, David. Well, we've all had some pretty shitty landlords. Yeah, I feel like you should be allowed to be like, look, I don't have it. Yeah, and I mean, there's some are more lenient than others. But yeah, there's got to be something.

I mean, look, roughing them up. Yeah, that should probably be illegal. But I had a landlord named Gary Clef. I'll say his full name. Doesn't matter. Sure. And he, do the voice. Yeah, do the voice.

You think that it is attached to a guy named Gary Clef. Adam, look, I'm trying to get the money, and I need it pretty soon. Can I be honest? Very close. So we're talking. He's running five, four bald Mr. Magoo glasses. Wow.

And sort of a, so when you sign the lease, we're going to go month to month. I noticed there were some feces on the floor last time I came over. What was that all about? Oh, yeah, sorry, Gary. We got real high. And one of my buddies hadn't done edibles before. And he, things just got, things got away from him.

Things got poofy. What do you mean, what do you mean, got away from him? Well, if you can just go ahead and put two and two together, Gary, and he lost control of the bowels, basically. Why is it running? Well, that seems like a personal question for our friend. We can give you his email, Gary. But yeah, I don't know.

Most landlords are, if they're not looking for the money, they don't also care about good tenants. They just care about the cash being in the bank, right? Totally, yes. Yeah. Well, and at this point, though, I think they are, well, first of all, we got to say shout out to Gary Cleff. Hopefully, he's listening and enjoying all that.

At the Beaumont Company, yeah, I think he's still there. Yeah, shout out Gary Beaumont Company. I'll also give Gary a nice pat on the back. The guy gave me a couple breaks and times. In my theme park days at Universal Studios, when I had to. Oh, that's right. When I got fired from playing Wolverine

for taking too many road dates with Bobby Lee, Gary was nice enough to go. I'm going to spot you a couple months because you've been a nice guy and the whole poop thing. We really got past that. Because you had claws in your hands. Adam, fellow former character dresser over here. From where?

I did kid's birthday parties. So I would do the rounds through the Los Angeles Orange County area. God, who would you dress up as? You fucking name it. You name it. Everything. I did everything.

Dennis Quaid? OK, I'll name it. I did a lot of Quades. John Wayne Gacy? I did a lot of Gacies. I did Dennis Quaid from In Good Company. Dennis Quaid, the idea of Dennis Quaid. So he loves Dennis Quaid.

He's a little young for that. I don't know. He loves it. So you want me to Dennis Quaid from The Rookie? No, no, he's not. He's not into sports. No, no. You know that movie where Scarlett Johansson and Toby,

not Toby McGuire. Topher Grace. I always get those two mixed up. Who do you want me to play? Yeah, so Dennis, no. Who'd you play like? He likes Dennis Quaid interspace. So if you could just watch that movie tomorrow.

You'd actually do the first chunk of that movie dialogue-wise. Who would you do? That would be amazing to be. All right, so look, I think they're going to eject me into this guy, and I'm going to go into his body. Oh, he's having a great time. Now I'm going to make balloon animals.

This feels incongruent. No, I would do Batman, Spider-Man, Barney, Winnie the Pooh. You fucking? Barney? Yeah, you mean? Barney's under some fire. I don't know if you saw recently. A nice little article came out.

There's a Barney doc waiting in the wings that's going to unveil all the trauma surrounding that dinosaur, which, hey, guess what? Welcome back to duh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're going to tell me there wasn't fucking violence and drugs.

How could I love the kids if I didn't love myself? A shocking three-part doc. Vicodin, pills, compassion, all of these two out of these three things were present every day on set. All right. Sorry, Dave. Where were we? Well, we moved on from that one because it had no ending.

It was just a little. Which is a lot of them. That's how a lot of them feel, too. Now here's a great thing where they ask women who don't want to vote their opinions on suffrage. Wow, that's crazy. To give women the vote is just to double the total mass of voters, which is already unwieldy.

That's a very fair point. So this woman's anguish, there's too many votes already. Too many voters, yeah. We've got too many. Let fewer people decide what our future is. That's what I say. Insists mishears. I don't take stock in the theory that the average woman is

so much better than the average man that the morale of the voting body would be improved by her presence. But that's not what they're saying. They're just being like, you're equal. She's like, all this talk about women being better than men. We shouldn't be allowed to vote. Yeah.

What did women get the right to vote? Depends which. Before, after 1912. Depends which color they are. White women got it in 1920, and then it was Asian women. Then it was black women. It was like a poll. Jesus.

Yeah, yeah, we're a good country. What do you mean? I mean, when you look back, sometimes it feels like we've made some wrong calls. I recently said this on stage, and I had two people walk out of my show where I said it was after the overturning of Roe v. Wade, and I go, man, I go, I was at a baseball game, and I reluctantly sang the anthem

because I was just like, fuck, really? After this, we're just still almost like, it just, I go, I love this country, I go, but it just seems like, almost like dad hits mom while you're singing him happy birthday at his birthday, and you still just power through and sing the song, and you're just going to act like nothing happened. And that's kind of the, you know, and it went just like this during the show,

just absolute silence. I'm going to get out of here. Hey, I had a good time, but I'm not going to do this anymore. Two people in the front got up and walked out. Front walkouts are so bad. I go, I go, where are you? Front row is in Vegas, and I go, where are you guys going? And the guy goes, I will not sit here and listen to you.

And I know some of you right out of the gate are like, hey, man, don't do a fake Dr. Pimple Poppy voice for this guy. Well, guess what? This is exactly how he sounded. I will not sit here and listen to you. Make fun of the anthem. And I go, sir, I'm not making fun of you. Did listen to the bed.

I said I actually sang it just somewhat reluctantly because I just felt like you said, we're making some odd choices still. And, but man, when you really go back and look. And a weird thing too, like white, Asian, black, that's how they went with it. Yeah. I wonder if that was always the move or if they got, you know.

Well, they were like, they'd try the white women first. They're like, we'll try the most. What we consider to be the most man now is a white woman. If you put that clip up, it should be called front row versus weight, if it ever airs. Who can bake the most pies in 60 seconds? I'm making a pitch to run your social media, Adam. I think it's great already.

But I think I could really elevate it. I really think we could. I don't get enough spam emails every three minutes saying, hey, we saw your Instagram page. We were like, if you have $5,000, we'd love to get you 30 more followers on Twitter Space. I feel like that's when you're like, maybe I am doing something right when those comments start

to pop up on your Instagram. Or wrong. You're like, I'm attracting too many bots. Yeah, they're like, Krypton, you want to help us? The history of the umbrella to be written by a Frenchman. Oh, fuck. Well, duh, obviously a Frenchman's going to write it. With a whole garret full of umbrellas,

literally hundreds of them representing many periods of nationalities to serve as material, a Frenchman named Farad is about to write an exhaustive history of the GAMP, as they call it in England. Oh, shit. Or the para-pule to give it its French name from the earliest known use thereof to the present time.

Good god. An article about an umbrella book. It's a book, by the way. It's an article. Yeah, GAMP's got to come back. Yeah, GAMP's got to be a thing. GAMP could be the stomp we do, but it's umbrellas only. GAMP.

Or it's somebody who doesn't like Gump Forest, and they're like, well, look who it is again. GAMP. Forest GAMP. It's Gump. And yeah, I run backwards, jail is. What it is is what it does. Chocolate just like life.

I can't keep reading that. It just goes on about umbrellas, and it's boring. The book's not going to be good. I'm shocked. Umbrella's on a whole. Not that I'm not interested in where they came from, because at some point, somebody was fed up. And I'm going to say she was an older Jewish woman

of being reigned on. The idea that there was a time. I mean, this is what I always find. The time when, if it rained, you were just like, fuck. Can't go anywhere. Yeah, wow, yeah. That's it. Kind of the way that people in Florida

should be with hurricanes except the exact opposite. As soon as it starts raining, get the fuck out. I'm going to make a TikTok. Yeah, or I'm going to die with this bookshelf I've had for 40 years, because I was here first, hurricane. If that's your real name, you're like, dude, you got to put one foot in front of the other and get the safety.

I don't believe in fouchier hurricanes. Well, one of them, I'm honestly. Some of the chutzpah of some of these 70 to 80-year-olds in Florida, when we get a cane warning, and they literally go outside and look at the sky and go, I double-dog dare you to suck me out of my house, you pervert. You're like, yeah, they are. Not to overload the podcast with Forrest Gump references,

but they lieutenant Dan over and over again in Florida. They're like, yeah, I'll take you out first, hurricane. It's like, oh, fuck. It's like the Mount St. Helens guy. If you're screaming at a natural disaster and you're not Captain Planet, I don't know what to say to you. And that was my high school yearbook quote. Oh, oh, at the theaters, the Orpheum.

Altitudes figure prominently in the headline acts at the Orpheum this week. No pun intended. Myel Camille. What's M.M.M.M.L.L.E. dot? Mademoiselle Camille over Cantor's vocally up to the counter G in the fourth octave in her French-tinted songs.

Who is reading that? Like, oh, I can just hear it. Well, wait till you hear the accompanying act. Lord Robert, comedian. Oh, yeah, oh, fuck yeah. 24 inches in height. Well, what? Oh, boy.

Cracks crib jokes. Oh, my god, what is a two foot tall comedian who does crib bits? This is amazing. I need to see the footage. I, please, please, I need someone to make footage or something. Hurry. How is this following an umbrella book plug? Me too, that is, obviously, we know if we dig any further.

His life was horrible, you know, whatever. But I bet you he was getting laid a lot. And I bet you some of those jokes were fucking crushing. If he's one of the few funny guys, I mean, even back then, I bet there's, I mean, now we just, you know, everywhere you look, there's a new comedian popping up. But I bet back then, there's just, they were starved

for that type of action. So you got to be talking to the town. Oh, two years? And so much material. Because it's just like you hear about the wolves. I mean, and it's like going to a city where you just like, you know, everything hits where you're like, you're about the guy who killed all the wolves.

Like immediately, you're getting laughs just on connection. Yeah, yeah. There's no, there's nothing about him on when you Google him, nothing comes up, but, but the first committee and the first committee mentioned the eighth, the eighth listing that comes up is Robert Kelly. Oh, okay, that's good for him. Okay.

The audience last night enjoyed the two foot tall crib. Yeah. The audience enjoyed both acts. Sure. The reception was fairly enthusiastic. So there you go at 20. Of course he does crib jokes. What else would you do?

No, I probably is he probably is on stage in a crib doing exact. Yeah, he's probably, I mean, yes, it's look, you make it work. This is what you do. You make you 100% make it work. The show must go on. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, thank you.

I knew somebody would said it. Somebody would said it and it would said it. I don't know. I don't know words. Do you know Polito wait one way. Here it comes. Good all sleep disturbed occupants of the house at 3023 Nebraska Street were startled at 12 30 o'clock this morning

when they heard the heavy o'clock. How I'm referring to it from now on. Are you favorite time? When they heard the heavy thought of a man's body strike the cellar door, Santa, a volley of groans followed. The police were hurriedly notified and the police auto loaded with blue coats went to the scene. There they found a Yens Goudal.

No, I just given resting against the cellar door wrapped in the arms of Morpheus. Also works at Junt and Dahmer. So wait, was he just junked up and he fell into a cellar door? That's that's junk, right? I mean, that's got to be heroin, right? Morpheus or it's Neo one of the two. If his name's Morpheus and he was junked up.

All signs point to I'm looking for Neo. I took the red and blue pill. I'm not feeling right. I took a Viagra and a Gatorade zero. Goudal was quite put out at the action of the police officers in disturbing his slumbers. He was unable to explain. How dare you interrupt my junk hallucination?

I'm sleeping with my face in a door. Leave me be. Is it wrong that it's not my house? Oh, it is. Oh, I didn't realize. What's law? He was unable to explain the presence at the place. Goudal will answer the charges of intoxication

this morning in police court. How long do you think? Does it say what he's facing sentence wise? It doesn't say for that. Because if you just get fucked up and bang in your neighbor's house and sleep there for a minute, that's got to be, you don't kill anybody. I feel like that's almost like they celebrate you.

Yeah, Robert Downey Jr. did it and then he got chaplain. Well, first of all, if you're going to really talk about my entire backstory, there's so many different things. So drugs, actually, I attribute most of my drug usage to most of my success. Iron Man actually, I told this inside the actor's studio. I don't know if you've watched it, but R.I.P. James slipped.

And that guy really knew how to ask a question. He was always munching, though. He'd be eating brown sugar pop tarts. Every time he asked me a question, he would just put another crumb a little into his mouth. So he always, and he was very sweaty. Maybe it was his bitch. Something about the man just rubbed me the wrong way.

But Iron Man, I did a lot of prep for that by doing a little bit of mescaline, a little bit peyote, and eight, six plan B gummies before every shoot. So good. I mean, come on. Yeah, you're right. But you're right, he definitely had a nice little run with the fun.

Yeah, he was in the arms of Morpheus for quite a while there. I saw him talk about real quick on the Letterman Netflix interview show about how certain movies he goes. If you could, so good he goes, if you had a festival, could you look at all your movies and go and play them all and go, I was fucked up there. I wasn't there.

And he laughed, and they went through a handful and was like, there were certain days where he was just like, I think he said, Jody Foster looked at him and was like, during one, it was like, you can't do this. He got through a long take, like a six page monologue, when he was fucking black out. And she was just like, wow, you're really impressive. Like, whatever, and he took his compliment,

she was like, that's not a good thing. She's like, I'm saying like. The fact that you're fooling everyone is amazing. He's like, thank you. Yes. No, no, we're worried. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is best.

And that's when he's got his llama farm. He's like, I don't remember this one's name. Yeah. Well, they're all named after my favorite Disney cartoon villains. So these are the Bugle Boys. And this is Ursula. Yeah, yeah.

All right, Dave, maybe one more. What do you think? OK, you can choose boxing, a chicken, a goose. No, a chicken or a goose. These are a chicken and a goose are separate? No, I'm just saying, no, I think it's an egg story. So you're saying boxing or an egg? Or another drunk guy story.

Drunk guy. I don't think that. OK, all right, drunk guy. OK. Enjoys his deadly potion. John Huffman, who recklessly mixes his Oda cologne with ether when very thirsty, yesterday pleaded guilty to tramp vagrancy when it rained.

Wow. He didn't umbrella when it rained. He was sentenced to serve 10 days in the county jail. The Insanity Commission may be asked to investigate. There's a lot of good stuff here. Yeah. Huffman, whose home is in Omaha, was arrested at 4th and Court Streets Wednesday evening

by Officer Becker. In that time, he was drunk. Yes. In that time, he was drunk and was following up his former potions with a hearty swig from a cologne bottle. So he's really sounding cologne. I think he's drinking cologne. Yeah, I think he's.

This is like the original Tide Pod, or the kids you cook. Or the kids who mix their, cook their chicken and Nyquil. Have you read about this? Yeah, that's a great one. Are they reading about this? Kids now are cooking Nyquil. No, the kids are cooking chicken and Nyquil. Yep.

Cyclil. Yeah, yeah. Which, by the way, changes now the Nyquil slogan from nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing. Stuff you had fever so you can rest. Brrk. So I just thought of that. And I go, don't say that, dude.

And I go, say, I think they're going to give you a pity laugh. I like it. No, it's so dumb. It's wonderful. But that is how this sounds like the original. The lengths that alcoholics will go to, I guess, to get their fix. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

This guy's really going for it, though. He's like vodka and polo sport. Nobody's tried that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His trail from the viaduct to Court Street was recognizable by its exquisite odor. I was just going to say, he's leaving like a cartoon fragrance trail.

Yeah, he's actually drinking cologne. This is not a joke. So this man is actually pounding cologne. A search in his pockets brought to light. For some reason, I thought he was putting the booze in the cologne bottle. No, he's drinking cologne and ether or something. No, he's also doing ether.

So he's doing ether, he's drinking cologne. Oh, no, you're right. He recklessly mixes cologne with ether. We don't need to recklessly, by the way. We understand that this is not true. Yeah, they're like, and believe it or not, it's dangerous. So he's going to the bar being like, give me a Hugo Boss on the rocks.

I'll take a Boss Teenie. Give me a Jacquard Noir with two lines. Can I get a John Varvados? Neat. Well, then we've got to get a new Varvados from the back. We'll be right back. OK, take your time, sweetheart. I'll just take Axe Body Spray in a rag light.

Hey, give me a wool sock and some aerosols. A search of his pockets brought to light two other bottles, one labeled Violet Dementhe. Yeah, it's for me. The other reeking of the operating table, it was ether. What do you do with ether, man? Inquired the patrolman, oh, I just take that while I'm traveling from one town to another.

That's just my traveling juice. That's my traveling ether. That's just walking sauce. How do you get around? What do you do? You go there on your feet? I float, fuckface. Man, that's a good time.

That's impressive. Good times, great oldies. Well, we didn't get to boxing, but they outlawed the kidney punch. Oh, shit. Well, that sounds like what the ether does. Outlawed the kidney punch, but they brought back the donkey punch.

Finally. That's a good way to end it. That is good. You circled the square. Finally for us, Adam Ray. Thank you so much, Adam. We appreciate you being here. Fantastic guest.

I knew you would be, so we really appreciate it. Any time, truly. All right, well, next week works. Thank you for saying that. And everyone, follow Adam. What's your social media? Adam Ray comedy on the Gram, the Twitter, the TikTok. Truly one of the best follows.

I've told you before, do these things where you're in malls and you just come up with TV shows for mall names? You have tons of impressions, great stand-up clips. And that's a great way to see where you're going to be and what you're going to be on. Because you also did a Jay Leno impression. You were Jay Leno in the Pam and Tommy movie. Oh, yeah.

Works a ton and a great fucking follow. So thank you again for being here, Adam. You guys are legends, honored. All right. Thank you, man. So much. So fun. Good to see you guys.

Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey. You're right. You're right. We actually, we had so much compassion for Depp like they'd be like, Johnny, is it true that you texted Paul Bettany that you would quote, strangle her and kill her in her sleep because she just the sight of her made you want to puke up your own blood? I don't remember texting that, but I guess I did say that and that was very funny.

Sometimes I'm very funny. Yeah. Or you just be like, that's Pinot Noir for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm going to be like, go, Johnny, you old drunk. We've all had one too many short nays at the Disneyland. It's going to be a tick-tock. I'm going to be like, he's hot again.

Johnny's so hot right now. You can bring your own wine to the park if you've been in two of their movies. Oh God, that is so endearing. No, he talked about strangling a woman. God, I love Johnny. But not with my hands. I was wearing Hulk hands that I bought at Universal CityWalk. Not with my hands.

I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying.