The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 24 - The Past Times with Gen Fricker

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and Australian stand-up, writer, actor, and radio host Gen Fricker New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

If you are experiencing symptoms of erectile dysfunction or ED, don't worry, you're not alone. 52% of Canadian men between 40 and 70 suffer from ED. To get more information, sign up at edinfo.ca. That's E for erectile, D for dysfunction, info.ca. Then talk to your doctor, because you are not alone when dealing with ED. All right everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week.

Jen Fricker, hello Jen. Hello, we're reunited. Yes, this is your first time in the Pastimes, but you've done two live dollops with us, there's a three. Yeah, it's actually very, it feels too intimate, honestly. Just the three of us. And not just asking like a big crowd. We're escalating. I'm avoiding, you know, so to me this is too much.

You're asking too much commitment. A lot of people don't like to do stuff with us if there isn't the direct benefit of immediate reaction. We trick people and we, we sort of, you know, cajole them into falling in the trap of the Pastimes. So, and it's a very creative podcast. This we go through some history. I don't know any of it, neither do you. It's a very, not a lot of people are doing that. I've never heard that concept before.

It's a very new idea. Nobody's doing it. You are a stand up or performer, if people want to find out where you'll be performing, you're all over the place and you're at Jen Fricker and Jen is with a G. Yeah, just to make it extra difficult. Yeah, it is, it is. It really came about from just wanting to be difficult at every single stage of my career. I said it's not enough. So you chose this.

Yeah, I said it's not enough to be a young woman in comedy. And then I need some more doors close to me, so I'm going to make my name difficult. Yeah, and then Fricker is close to fucker. There's a lot going on. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah, that's okay. Well, welcome.

I normally like to try to guess the year of the paper. So you're more than welcome to join in that. I'm going to guess that this is an, I just have a feeling this paper will be from the early 1800s. Jen, what do you think? I wanted more exact guess. I'm going to say eight. First of all, Dave, fuck you. Second of all, I'll say 1808.

Wow. Okay. Push me. I respond, Anthony. Wow. Okay. I'm going to say 1997, baby. Wow.

All the way. Yeah. That's still the past, and it was a good year for me. I'm going to guess. I like that you're self-focused on this podcast. I think Dave did it on one of my better years. I think Dave was like eight-year-old Jen was really killing it that year. Jen was doing great at eight.

That's when her name was spelled with a J. The future was bright. I'm going to guess 1864. You're guessing 1864. You're the guy with the paper. Yeah. Are you all right? Is everything okay?

It is actually 1864. Goddamn. He gets it every time. He gets it every time. May 20th, 1864, the Hamilton Spectator from Hamilton, Victoria, Australia. Oh, my God. That's where I live. Well, not Hamilton, but Australia.

Where? That's where I live. Yes, you do live in Australia. Wild place. What the hell? Where is Hamilton in comparison to how far from that? I don't fucking know. You don't know?

Because I don't live there. Yeah, Dave. What? I can't be American about this? That's not in my fucking part of the world. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. You are safe. You are safe. You are safe. Name a better country. Try. I'll wait. If we can wait.

Okay. Hamilton, Victoria. I'm guessing it's in Alpine town. It's 179 miles from Melbourne or 131, 288 kilometers from Melbourne. We're talking north. We're talking west. We're doing east. What are we talking about?

That's a good question. It does not come up. No map comes up when I Google it. Oh, here we go. That's interesting. Boy, I don't know what that is. It's like a half map that came up on Wikipedia. Are you on half maps?

I love that Google feature where they only show you half the thing. So good. Actually, I find it quite confusing. It's not helpful. You're like, well, we probably won't get there. I'm on half maps. I'm on half maps. Oh, okay.

I looked at it. Like I get halfway there and then I just kind of figure it out. I'm looking at it. It's kind of near the border of South Australia and Victoria. So west of Melbourne. Oh, it's right over there. Yeah. It's a freaky little town.

All I heard was not America. Yeah. It's almost like it's between Melbourne and Adelaide, Gareth. Oh, who gives a shit? What happened? Yeah, what happened? Everybody died. Page two, because the first page is all ads.

The Hunt Club. Really? Yeah, that happens a lot. Back then, they just do all ads. And then I bet all the fans of the paper complained about it on Reddit. And then the people together were like, well, what do you know about this? You know what I just do? I just pick up the paper.

I skip it. I just skip to the second one. I just ripped the first page. I just ripped the first page in half. On Saturday afternoon, there was a grand meet of the members of the Hamilton Hunt Club at the Victoria Hotel. Interesting. Quite a crowd of horsemen were in attendance.

I'm sorry, quite, sorry. I don't want to jump into it. What a crowd. But a crowd of horse manure? Horsemen. OK, I heard manure. So at this point, I thought that we were sort of personifying horse crap. I could have said that, but I think I said horse manure, but I could have said horse manure.

I appreciate you being open. Quite a crowd of horsemen were in attendance. And a little after two o'clock, a start was made in the most gallant array in the direct of peer point. About Germantown, a drag had been run of which the dog soon caught up the scent. Someone is getting paid by the word, and they are just throwing every word in there. A drag is in parentheses, so I don't know what they mean, but it's clearly like something happened and the dogs were now on the hunt.

The dogs picked up a scent of an animal. And a rattling run was the result. The line taken, including a large number of jumps, some of them pretty stiff. One way or another, nearly all the voteries of Nimrod, you're right, they're using all the words that they can possibly. What the hell are they? It's just someone got it. Games of Throne-ish.

Although, again, all the newspaper fans, they're skipping the second page and they're looking for the word, Votery of Nimrods. And then they say, yeah, that's the fan service. One way or another, nearly all the voteries of Nimrod got a spill. One of them, Mr. Shinok, getting a broken leg. No one else was much hurt. So it sounds like they all fell down. So basically, the dogs, they had a horseman's meeting.

Something happened. The dogs caught a scent. The dogs chased after it. And the people were like, whoa, we can't keep up. And they fell over. And in my mind, what's happened is they've stood directly up and then they've fallen straight over. Yeah, it's definitely, I'm picturing like egg people where they're sort of like... Bloody hell.

Oh, bloody hell. I wasn't expecting to get up that fast. It was impossible to stand up. Because also in Australia, right, when they say Victoria Hotel, they mean pub. Like it's never a hotel. It's always a pub. Yeah, so they got ship-faced and went hunting. That's helpful.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Okay. Of course, that's the lead story in the paper. Bloke's dogs went crazy at the pub. Bloke's dogs, beers. Yeah. Then they tried to get up too fast and one of them really hurt himself.

The end. Benny Hill Music, they all fell too. So Nimrod was a hunter. Nimrod was a hunter? It's from the Bible. Nimrod is a Bible guy. That's all you need to know, right? We don't need to know anything else.

He's a Bible guy. This story is just like, I think you're right. It's bad. This is like, paid by the words. Yeah. Also, I guess like... And then Nimrod from the Bible was there. Also complicating matters.

Don't even get me started on Abraham. Also, like, isn't Nimrod another word for stupid? Idiot. Yeah. It's also idiot. Yeah. So is he dissing these drunk hunters? He might be.

Yeah. I mean, it's definitely like, it definitely comes across a little bit like these guys are morons. Right. Yeah. I wasn't picking up on that person. They seem pretty smart. Yeah. Yeah, they do.

Sexby weather. In a letter to the Melbourne Argus. Sexby what? Sexby. Sexby. Oh. Sexby. Again, I heard sexby too.

I thought it was just... I had sexby weather. You heard what you wanted to hear on that one. And I say sexby fun. Sexby... Yep. Safe. But most of all, sexby consensual.

Yes. Yeah. Thank you. Yes, we've always supported that here on the dollop and the side of the car at the past time. It sounds like someone's trying to cloud fuck. Sexby weather, in a letter to... In a letter to the Melbourne Argus.

Cungulus. Go ahead. Oh my God. Do you say Cungulus? Yeah, yeah, but I don't want to stop the progress. But yeah. You did. What?

I'm goofing, Jack. In a letter to the Melbourne Argus, Lieutenant Sexby gives the following dates for bad weather for the months of May. June and July. May 1st, 8th, 13th, 22nd and 29th. June 4th, 12th, 19th and 25th. This is amazing. July 2nd, 9th, 16th, 22nd and 29th.

So those are going to be the bad days for weather. Literally something they cannot do now with dopplers and weather balloons. And this guy's just like, idiot, 18th ought to be pretty bad. In my mind, his ex has moved on and gotten married. And so he's just looking up her diary and being like, oh, you can't get married that day. That'd be bad weather. Oh, you want to meet up with your family.

Every Sunday. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good. Oh, no. No, just choose that three. That's the only time that's not going to be terrible weather. Otherwise, you're fucked. The person writing this down was probably like, all right, the 22nd.

And then he's like, God, they want more. The 25th. Well, the first. All right. What else you got? It's like that thing where, like, you want someone to talk more so you just be quiet and they feel the silence. Yeah.

Bad weather on the seventh. The 17th, 18th, 19th should be bad. OK. And then we'll revisit this for the next three months soon. Well, you know what's amazing is this paper came out on the 28th. And so they would already know if May 1st, 8th, and 15th had bad weather. That's amazing. They were probably like, wow, you nailed those ones that already happened.

So this guy knows what he's talking about. Look at how right he was about these dates that we've already experienced. Hamilton County Court. Oh, this is from the court. This is a court, a direct court thing. See your posture. You're straightened up with your posture, Dave. What's the law?

Dave takes it a little seriously. Dave takes it a lot very seriously. Yeah. Absolutely. This is harder to read. It's small. Same versus Jay Costello. Must be Grant versus Jay Costello.

Mr. Powell for the plaintiff and Mr. LeMont, instructed by Mr. Nunn for the defendant. This one is an action brought to recover the seven pounds, the balance of a hotel bill. The peculiar feature of the case. Yeah, it's a pub. It's a pub. Hotel. You're a great country. Why do they call it a hotel if it's a pub?

Because you don't want to be like you're just drunk all the time. Yeah. Well, because you can stay there as well. So you can, like there are still some pubs as well where you can rent rooms above the... That's a great business model too. Yeah. If you get so much shit faced, they're like, can I just do in a bed? You're like, I'd love a bed.

Yeah. And you know, in the olden days before, and by the older days, I mean, I think up until maybe the mid-80s, there was a trough at the pub because pubs are usually men only. There's a trough at the pub, but you could just piss straight in the... Like in the common area? Oh yeah. That's also in Mexico. That was...

I think... I don't know if you can still do that in Tijuana, but that was a thing for a long time in Tijuana. You could just saddle up and pee right there at the bar. At the bar? It's like under the bar. Yeah. That's why there's so much tiling in pubs. I can't...

I... Well... Man... Man... This is my country. No, no, no, look. And it really created... Let's stop, start.

Men are awful. I can't go to the bathroom. Men were just like, everywhere's a locker room. Yes. Basically, they're like, oh no, I've got a piece of loom, a shoe, I can't go home to my mrs. I gotta go upstairs and lie down. Would you like to rent a room?

Oh, I can imagine standing at the bar and your buddy's just pissing. Like, that's a good conversation we're having. Literally, urine is coming out of this man's cock. Just looking at it dead in the eye as well and being like, yeah, it's actually crazy. The dogs got really upset and we didn't know what to do. I've got the best tiny... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were able to find him like a week later.

Well, you're really pissing a lot, aren't you, Randall? Yeah. So, the peculiar feature of the case was that the bill included the item of 23 glasses one day, 67 glasses the next day, and 42 the day after. It's a lot of... That's how much you drink? Well, hold on. Well, if you don't have to get up to the toilet, you can drink a lot in one session.

You're just a vehicle. That's the only thing that stops you from drinking a lot. It's going to the bathroom. There's no other consequences. Well, that's what's great about having... Like, it's just like, you know, the problem with the boggies of wasting all that non-drinking time in there. Well, what if I told you you could still be pissing and drinking at the bar?

What's the catch? The explanation of the plaintiff was that the defendant was drinking at his house in Stanford, but that the great bulk of the glasses were consumed by other parties. So, the defendant treated, and although at the time of shouting under the influence of drink, he was not so tipsy as to not know that he was doing what he was doing and to be responsible for his actions. So he's drunk enough. He's drunk, but not drunk enough to not know he's buying people drinks.

That's what he said. An amazing crime. An amazing crime. An amazing determination to have to make. He's drunk, but he's not that drunk. Yeah. He shat everyone in the pub 67 drinks. Yeah.

But he wasn't that drunk, but he knew what he was doing. These were smart business decisions he was making. He was savvy. In his evidence, the defendant flatly denied the plaintiff's assertions as to the wholesale treatment. I was shitfaced, Your Honor. I was absolutely rad-ass. How dare you?

I was super fucked up. I was super fucked up, I drank from the cup of piss, I drank a cup of piss thinking it was ale, I was wrecked. I lay down in the trough, I was doing the backstroke in the urine trough. And so, in his evidence, the defendant flatly denied the plaintiff's assertions as to the wholesale treating and further put in his set off for the hire of a horse amounting to four pounds. The case occupied a considerable time in the evidence of the whole affair being very contradictory.

His honor gave a verdict for three pounds, ten shillings. So wait, a horse got involved? Yeah, there's a horse, and further put in a set off for the hire of a horse. So he was like tabbing it up, yeah. He was planning a boy's trip, every boy ever appears, he's like, we should go on holiday together. Let's go to Adelaide, let's see what it's going for then, let's find the horse. And then a bunch of dogs chased him.

Your honor, my client is a degenerate drunkard, he didn't know what he was doing, it's right. Here's just a little blurb about the court, Archibald Malcolm was charged with maliciously setting fire to a stack of hay, the property of David Vine's Esquire on the 1st of May. Best and Cameron were charged with aiding and abetting. Hey fire. Three people to set fire to a hay? Yeah, you gotta get it right. You gotta, I mean, if you're gonna do it, you gotta do it, you get your bro's.

Yeah, you wanna make sure you guys are doing it right. And I guess, I mean, judging from this in UPS paper, not a lot was going on in town. No. So, someone invited you to a hay fire, you were going, you didn't have anything to go on. Well, this story's really there to just sort of break up drunk tales, which I'm sure is following next. Yeah.

The headline is bad times for policemen, not a week, yeah right, not a week has passed since this year commenced that a policeman has not died in the discharge of his duty. Bruh, bruh, bruh, bruh, a cab, bruh, bush ranger country, baby. Last week in Easterbrook was killed while stopping, oh, last week Easterbrook, so that's a person, last week Easterbrook was killed while stopping two mad horses that were running in Broadway. Well, I mean, I'm gonna say he didn't stop them. Yeah.

The horses stopped him. Yeah. Another way around. Hold on there, what's this all about? The horse is like, the horse is like, we're just living man, what are you doing, leave us alone, just because we're hanging out, that's fine, there's no one illegal for us to stand out here and hang out. They're drunk pissing in the trough.

Yeah. We're just gonna go on a holiday. We're gonna go on a holiday. We want to ride you for a while, please, come on Jack. Yesterday, policeman Besomir was fatally injured by a crazy merchant named Tibbets, who stabbed him on the corn exchange. The corn exchange? Is the corn exchange a euphemism for a body part or is that a place?

It's a place, I think it's where they buy and sell corn. He stabbed him and he was like, that's not corn, that's not a corn, that's a knife. I thought the corn exchange was like a nice word for the nose or something, I don't know. Or like the trough, you could call the urine trough the corn exchange. The corn exchange, the asparagus exchange if we're being honest. Oh boy, that is, the smell of that thing. Do you know what, I just, cause I do really distinctly remember there was a smell around pubs when I was growing up and that would be the early 90s.

That is so fucking crazy, I mean that early night, I mean that is not that long ago. But there's a David Bowie video clip that he shot in Australia, I think it's the Let's Dance one and there's scenes where he's like, let's kiss. Put on your shoes then, now peace in them. But there's a David Bowie clip and there's scenes of him like singing and playing in a pub and I just think like, I'm sure like theoretically he was like, that would be great. That's my David Bowie impression. That's really good.

And then he goes on and just, he's David Bowie like playing in a piss field club. Yeah. And he, I mean, he seemed kind of particular so that would be like amazing for him to just, well David, we've emptied the piss troughs. We want you to shoot your video. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. And if you've got a leak, there it is, David.

Need to lie down, just go upstairs, Dave. Don't worry, we're at our hotel as well, David. This has been a sort of king upon the corn exchange. He has operated in grain to the extent of $2 million. He has lost $200,000. He charged the best produce dealers with being swindlers and they expelled him from the exchange by a vote at the meeting. So he, he lost money and then said everyone was cheating him and gets kicked out.

So this is just the place where you just are like, it's just like an agricultural trading area. Yeah. Okay. Right. At the meeting house yesterday, he, he entered the building armed with a Bowie knife and a Colts pistol. Bowie.

Tibbets, quote, ran a muck among the corn merchants for nearly half an hour. So he's just knife in his way through. He's just, he's just running around. He chased old gray heads and pricked them with his knife. Yep. That's stabbing. I've got a new, I, I have a new term for the United States Congress. What's that?

Old gray heads. Yes. He upset the sample boxes and spat in the face of the merchants. Wow. So he's really going off. Yeah. He's a little terror. Oh, you don't spit in the sample box.

Come on, man. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's really. You're pissing it. Yeah. You take a piss and eat like a grownup. Like an Australian.

Australian. But it's also like, it sounds like classic rich people's shit, right? Make a bunch of money. It doesn't go your way. Yeah. Complain that the system is rigged against you to go on a murder spree. Spit in faces, cut sample boxes and it was like, Jesus Christ. When him was cried from all parts of the room, the policemen struck tidbits and was then

stabbed by the mad merchant in several parts. Luckily, he did not fire his six barrel among the densely packed corn merchants. Wow. But he's dead. So he should have shot. Well, this is a really tough one because it's like, on one hand, I don't want to reach root for the rich guy. Yeah.

But on the flippie dip, he did kill a cop. So also, yeah, it's tough. Um, I, uh, it's also, this is like Ned Kelly country. Do you guys know about Ned Kelly? Don't you? Yeah. Very famous Australian Bush Ranger. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Right. So like killing cops was kind of the thing to do of the day. Yeah. People liked it. Hmm. It sounds like people of today might be rooting for it too. Yeah.

Yes. Sorry. They viewed just real quick a couple of weeks ago and it was, you know, the last one and they go, uh, they go, uh, name a job that you would be happy if your son got and the woman goes police officer. And then when it goes to reveal it, it was two and her fate, she was this white woman and she was just like, Oh my God too. Why is it so low?

It was amazing. She was like, police officer is a respectable job. I was like, why is it so high? I love that you're watching the family feud. I love Steve Harvey's family feud. It's really a party. Go ahead. Another danger.

Another danger to human life in this city is the firing at recruits in the street. The guard fires, but does not intend to kill the recruit as a consequence. He does not aim at him and frequently wounds an innocent passerby. I miss Haley's wounded yesterday by this carelessness. I don't know what in the fuck just happened. So wait, so is it a police guard firing as a silly little joke at police? Recruit. It's, it sounds like hazing a little bit, right?

Yeah. Right. And it's just like, if you avoid the recruits, then you've done your job, but real people like my neck. I was like, don't worry, I'm not a uniform. They've just killed my wife. We get it. Oh, I'm having a goof up here, guy.

Relax, would you? You guys ever heard of a freaking joke? Hey, look, here's an idea. Don't stand where recruits are walking. How about that stupid? Yeah. This is Silly Street, where we have a nice little fun time with our guns, and if you don't want to be shot.

Hey, your existence got in the way of our hazing. Yeah. My family's dead. And you know what's the saddest part? Media's trying to cancel these, these, these justice. The media is trying to spin this fun prank as a murder of nine. Yeah. I'll tell you, it's, journalism's dead if it was ever living.

Well, it's gone mad. This country's lost its way as unbelievable. You can't kill six people while you're having a razz in the public square anymore. The latest wrinkle is this headline. An American paper. Sorry, Dave, before we go on. It does worry me that crimes, crimes are happening every day in this country. This happened, and then this happened, and then this person got stabbed.

Like they talked about a stabbing rampage, and then it wasn't, the end of the story was, and that was that, and not, and the person went to jail. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That was, that was. And then the next story was cops are shooting at random people on the street. Well, well. Here's a new wrinkle.

You know, it's like when you're trying out a new bit for standup, and you're just like, you have nowhere to go once you're halfway through. Yeah. All right. Well, that might be something there. Let me tell you about the guy who went cutting sample boxes in the grain center. The latest wrinkle, an American paper says that the latest wrinkle in this age of novelties is the new-fashioned tea and coffee cup invented for the benefit of a gentleman with heavy

mustache. What the fuck? Wait, this is amazing. Wait. Are you saying, David, first of all, that America invented the coffee cup and that it was established for the mustache? I think it's a new type of coffee cup made for the mustache. So does it have like a, maybe like a sort of divot?

In my mind. Well, you know, well, you know, we're not going to get the answer you want, right? So lie to me, baby. This is the, there's only one more sentence. It is contrived in such a manner that the most savage, fizzed, military man may imbibe without immersing the delight of his sweetheart in the drink. I think I was happier before the last sentence. So that's his-

It keeps the delight of your sweetheart out of the coffee. See the last sentence again, just because it can't be real. It is contrived in such a manner that the most savage, fizzed, military man may imbibe without immersing the delight of his sweetheart in the drink. He's calling the mustache his sweetheart. The delight of his sweetheart. No, no, no. His delight of, yeah.

No, no. His ladies or his fellas favorite thing is the mustache. Yeah. Because it's a tickler. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. I was just going to say as a man with many mustaches, I'll tell you, women love them.

They're always like good call, way to go. Yeah. As a woman with a partner who has a big mustache, I love the idea of it. Sure. Yeah, right. Right. That- I love the idea of it.

That's right. Yeah. The idea of it delights me, his sweetheart. Yeah. Do I love half my makeup being rubbed off after we kiss? No, great. Do I love being exfoliated just underneath my nose? Not so much.

Smooth as a baby's bottom under there, but it's not very helpful. I love it. It's so funny to hear the other side. I don't think I've ever even thought of the forced exfoliation factor. Yeah. It's good. It is good. Also, you know what, I mean, it's disgusting, obviously, but if someone had like a coffee

or a bit of tea in their mustache, I wouldn't mind it. Really? A bit of smell? A bit of something different? Yeah. Can't just all be texture. It depends on- I guess it depends.

It would be one- Yeah, if it's like coffee, maybe, but if it's like, man, that kimchi's good. Come here, darling. What a bunch of good kimchi I just hit. Get over here. Oh. I don't know. Get around this, though.

Yeah, don't worry. Don't worry. It's fine. You like hot, rusty cabbage? Come here. I also love that they're saying it's a very, to me, a very masculine thing, to be like, this is moustaches for the ladies. Hey, ladies.

We know you can't go in the bar that we turned into a public urinal, so we're giving you one better. This next one is headlining is the bunyip. The traditions about the existence of the bunyip have been revived during the last few days by the capture, and then it says, parentheses, all alive, oh, of a curious animal on the Murray by a fisherman. Hey, Dave. I have a question for Jen and I.

What's happening? No. Jen knows. Jen, why don't you tell us what a bunyip is? The bunyip is the most fearsome animal in Australia. Very dangerous. And the beginning of a movie, it's like a chupacabra. Yeah.

And they'll eat you. They'll eat you. They'll drag you out into the bush in the middle of the night. They'll eat you. They sometimes they live in the trees and they drop down on you and they rip you apart. Yep. It's very chupacabra-ish. Yeah.

So it's real. I'm looking at a picture of a bunyip right now, and I got to tell you, I think the chupacabra is less scary. There's one picture of a bunyip I'm looking at, and it's absolutely the craziest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. You love it, right? Oh, yeah.

It looks like it's a swamp monster, I guess. I'm obsessive. It's got a bifurcated tongue. Yeah. Yeah. It's how it's supposed to be. I just, like, clearly it's come up from either they've misappropriated, like, some Indigenous like, story, or it's just white people, white British people in the bush being like, water's

a bit muddy, isn't it? I mean, I don't think we should go in there. There's probably a bunyip. Exactly. What's a bunyip? What's the fiercest of lizard? Komodo dragon with a bifurcated tongue on steroids, darling. It is about three feet long, apparently not full grown, and seems to be a species of freshwater

seal. What? What? Freshwater seal. Freshwater seal. You don't hear that very often. So inland, just hundreds and hundreds of kilometers away from the wall, from the sea. The rare river seal.

I'm just trying to think what they think, like, what animal they're basing it off, you know, because I'm trying, river seal, maybe a platypus? That's the last thing. A platypus? But platypus aren't scary. They don't look scary. You know, the guy, the guy when he first discovered the platypus thought it was fake. He, like, was checking it for stitches.

Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. He was like, what the hell? They are weird. They are weird, yeah. Yeah. I used to work at an aquarium here, and we had platypus, and the thing about platypuses

is they are nocturnal, and the aquarium was only open during the day. And so people would go in being like, oh my god, I'm finally going to see a platypus, and it would just be like an empty tank. And so I think they don't do a lot to add to their own, they do a lot to add to their own mistake. Like, I think they are guest letting the world. Well, they're like us. They perform at night.

Yeah. That happened with us with fairy penguins. We drove forever to go see these fairy penguins, and we get there, and we're walking up and we're going, boy, there's not a line at all, and then we go in, and we're just like, honey, ma'am, we're here to see the fairy penguins, and she was like, all right, well, they come right about six to seven, they'll come back, and we were like, no, we have a show then. Yeah. And we play with them now, and they were like, well, no, they go, and then they come back,

and we were like, oh, yeah, boo, boo, we drove far, like was this in Sydney or was this in which part of Australia? Were you? Was it not? I think it was in Melbourne. Yeah, it might have been. But we drove like a ways. We drove like a couple hours.

I mean, that's classic Melbourne though, isn't it? It's off the big track. It's a little bit different. It's not classic. Difficult. And you have to work for it. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

Some really great Sydney Melbourne humor for your American audiences. They love that. They love the feud. They love the feud. The residents of Lake Moodermere are constantly hearing strange cries resembling those of a seal, and it is even asserted that one of those so-called bunyips has been seen lying on the bank of the lake, but paddled into the water before a near view could be obtained. The lake is so overgrown with weeds that a shy animal like a seal could easily find shelter

there without much change of being discovered. Sure, or not. As to the stranger, as to the stranger caught, the fisherman promises to bring it into Beechworth for an inspection of the curious. So we've got our like, what's the guy in Jaws who's like, yeah, we'll go find it right there. And you got that guy who's like, yeah, we'll go out there, we'll find the bunyip and we'll bring it back for everyone to have a look at it.

For an inspection of the curious. For an inspection of the curious. That's what I call my doctor's appointment. Wow. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Oh, this is good.

This is good. This is good enough. The ladies. The headline is as broad as it is long. A German statistical writer remarks that the invention of the sewing machine has enabled one woman to sew as much as a hundred could sew by hand a century ago. But he continues, one woman now demands as much clothing as a hundred did a century ago so that the situation is not so much changed after all.

So what you're telling me is ladies be shopping? Yeah, that's what it is. Oh my God. That is what an amazingly dumb like, well, I've got good news. Oh, what is it? Well, the woman is now capable of sewing a hundred times more than she used to. Oh, great. But now she wants all of that clothing for herself.

It's not just beautiful encapsulation of capitalism, like it's the most perfect. It's like the five word short story version of capitalism. It is because it's like innovation is popping, but the workers are demanding more. So what you're saying is she can work more than ever, but now she wants the fruits of her own labor. This is why we can't invite them into our piss pubs. Yeah. There is a great video of when when Australia was going to let women into pubs and a woman

reporter went into a pub and was asking the man and there's like, no, the women shouldn't be in here. It's for men. I'm having a piss. They're like, I don't know how wasted I am, but you are a fruity looking guy. I'm like, Madam, when you think when you I mean, really, when you actually just take a step back and think of like growing up in the era that we did, like where like it's a great place to be single and go to try to talk to, like, you know, where you're trying

to maybe get a little bit laid while you go out, the idea that you're like so resistant to that being on the table because your alcoholism trumps the idea of any sort of attractive, like any sort of attraction being pursued. They're just like, bring a woman in here. What are you talking about? That'll be a nightmare. And it's like, I remember there was like a whole thing when I'm drink driving, they were like campaigns to curb drink driving in Australia.

And there was a real pushback because they were like, well, how am I going to get back from the pub? What drink? It's a fair point though. That is a really fair point. Like it was just like a huge cultural contention of like, well, not drink, just go straight home. What are you talking about?

Like people couldn't get their mind around it. I guess, I guess looking it up, it was a queen, Queensland, of course, that didn't allow women to drink in pubs until last year. Yeah. Last year. It's very funny as well because like in Sydney, they would have been 15, 20 years now, but they had like, there was a whole thing about getting small bar licenses because we only had pubs or like huge nightclubs.

And the opposition to that was like, oh, so people, well, they don't want to just like it. They just want to have like a glass of wine and read a book. All right. No, like that was the counter argument is like, okay, you don't want to get mega fucked up. You just want to sit somewhere quiet and nice. Where will your piss trough be completely lost on the premise overall?

Okay. Can you explain what a squatter is a squatter? Um, I felt so Australian saying that to squatter, squatter, squatter, fucking half a glass of water and seat on the squat. That's what a woman has to do when she goes in the pub. She's got a squatter. She's got a squatter to piss. I guess a squatter is like a, I'm guessing condo, I'm guessing condos, but like basically

like a homeless person, essentially someone taking up residence somewhere. Is that what it was in Australia back then? I don't know. I'm sure there's like a very romantic idea of what it was, but I think it was, it was like you pack your, there's always romantic Australian words that I can't think of, but I think waltzing Matilda is about like a squatter who like basically sets up on someone else's farmland and then gets shot up by the police. Wow, cool.

That is romantic. And they wanted that to be at National Anthem for a while. Oh, right. Yeah. The new scab inspectors, the Melbourne correspondent of the Chronicle somewhat ill-naturedly remarks that Melbourne has been infested this week with quite a host of dingy looking individuals having a slight touch of the squatter in their style. Yeah.

Okay. So nice. Very cool. That's nice. Yeah. At Scott's hotel where squatters most do congregate, these shabby, genteel individuals were to be found soliciting the names of influential gentlemen to documents. The lobby of the house when members begin to assemble has for some days been almost besieged

by them. Jesus Christ. So they're, I mean, yeah, they are like, they're like, we got bedbugs. Yeah. I mean, basically, upon inquiry, I found these gentry were applicants for the four snug little billets as scab inspectors, which are going just now. Scab inspectors. So are those...

Wait, are they referring to actual scabs or referring to, like, I don't know, people crossing picket lines? I don't know what they're talking about. That's what I felt. If it's actual scabs, I'm going to throw up in a little trash I have in here. Okay. Mind if I pick at that a little? It's got to be like...

Yeah. It's a sheep thing. It's a... That's a Spike Lee movie, isn't it? It's a sheep thing. They inspect sheep. The scab act of 1840 gave the inspector power to inspect sheep. Okay, so...

In what way? Why are they called scab? Why are they called scab inspectors? I kind of want to know, but then I'm also a little nervous to know. Yeah. This is baffling. Like if it actually does get to actual scabs, that will deeply bother me. I mean, they were being sheared, so maybe...

So maybe they were looking at, like, sheep scabs. So... Did the squatters bring sheep to the hotel? And then they're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Bringing sheep to the hotel is one thing, but if their sheep have scabs on them, then they're out. Yeah. Well, they were also like, those are male sheep, aren't they?

Scab-infected sheep were probably being important. So... So there was someone going around checking sheep for scabs. Yeah. That's what it sounds like. Just kind of, like, running their fingers over like it's prey. Do you know why this might be? Because if you shear a sheep too roughly...

Yeah, right. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. Then they get scabs. And then the quality of the wool goes down. Which actually is a great segue to Manscape, which sponsors the past times. Guys, Manscaping is one of the more difficult tasks we've all been there. It's like diffusing a pew bomb.

But the Manscape glides smoothly over, and it really just... It's the best way to shorn. Dave, you were saying the other day you were shaving your nuts in the shower, and they came out pretty nice. My eyebrows. Right. Okay, sure. And the premise of this wake is, sweetheart's delay?

Yep. That's right. Yep, exactly. This is our Valentine's show. Yeah. Okay, so, no, they were there to apply for a job as scab inspector. Okay. That's why they were there.

Oh, okay. It seems like a pretty easy... How do you, like, pitch yourself for that, like, oh, I'm really good at finding cuts? Yeah. This guy's resume is unbelievable. They come in, they're like, okay, we don't have any sheep in here, but we do have Dave, and he's just gonna sit in the corner and just look at him. So Dave has a scab on him somewhere, and you guys, whoever finds it the first and brings

it to us is gonna get the job. All right, I'm gonna close my eyes, and I'll just start feeling you guys. Okay? I'll show you how good I am. I mean, that's the whole story. There's just people that are there that they don't like to be trying to get a job. Touching up sheep. There you go.

That's the story. Touching up sheep is a gentleman's job. Yeah. Yes. What are you supposed to look like when you're a sheep monster? He doesn't look the part. The days, the Dalynsford Mercury, Dalesford, the Dalesford Mercury, Best Chronicles of the Case of Canubial Felicity.

Oh. Canubials like married, married, married stuff. Felicity. We have been informed, and we have been informed, that a few nights ago, an incident occurred of so serious a nature that the majority of the inhabitants of East Dalesford were thrown into a state of consternation and alarm. Oh, my. And Australians, you don't have to send me any messages saying, it's Daly's fight.

No, you got it. It's Dalesford. It is Dalesford? Yeah. Yeah. So Dalesford now is. Are you open to emails complimenting you, Dave, or are you going to close your mouth so you prick?

Yes. Send them. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Got that on the first. Dear Dave, got that on the first try, buddy. Congratulations.

Yeah. Love and you work. Yeah. Put more ads in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It appears that it appears that a married couple residing not a hundred miles from Fitzgerald's

brewery hat. I love that. That's where they're like. Yeah. Where do they live? About a hundred miles from. What's the closest brewery then? Well, truly though, like so much of this country is defined by other prisons or pubs

or where the breweries are. Like a lot of. Really is. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of the famous beers is like, well, we can only make this be near this river. So that's why that's. Oh my God. That's the place.

What? So they entertained and expressed opposite opinions of a certain subject. The little cannibal difference, it appears, rankled in the breast of our heroine and her Lord. Wow. Calling him her Lord. And was the great, was the cause of great tribulation to the weaker vessels here many hours had passed.

Okay. So they had a fight. Okay. That would weigh into the I'm getting paid per word thing. Yeah. Right. This worthy couple late in the evening, having domestic business to transact, proceeded together to the Dalesford market and having made their purchases, wended their way home works on

their way to there. The old subject was revived and a rather unloving and noisy argument carried on when low. The woman, Mr. Husband, and heard him floundering about in a dam contiguous to the road they had been traveling. That is the worst description I've ever heard of a guy fell in the water. And I think he is he drunk? No, I think they're just arguing. He might have.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's right. You gotta see all people in all of these stories are drunk. Yeah. They're both explicitly told. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So she's she's like arguing with him and then all of a sudden he's like, I'm drowning. And she was like, Oh my God, I was still I was still fighting with you. He's like, I'm drowning. She's like, yeah, I'm drowning too. Okay. You know, a lot of times it feels like that. Yeah.

I can't breathe sometimes. No, I literally can't breathe. I know. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't be together. Well, I'm dying. Oh, it's always about you. Isn't it? Oh, For me later but not really.

Oh, yeah. Here we go. Yeah. Wow, in my mind she's been arguing for a long time as well and getting nothing from him because he's She's like oh silent treatment wonderful. There we go. You know just run away from your emotions and just not talk Why don't you just shut down again, Andy? also How did they find like one of the couple had to tell the newspaper about their fight

Yeah, yeah, they had to have explained the whole situation to yeah, yeah It's very even-handed reporting in this way because if it was me I would be like and then hey being a fuckhead Fill in the deck and somehow that's my problem like everything else is Immediately all the old love for her swain return and she raised a hue and cry that struck terror to the hearts of all Residing in that neighborhood in a few minutes people came flocking from all parts with lanterns and candles and were horrified on learning the cause of the poor woman's outcry The search commenced and eager eyes were stretched to every part of the dam each one

Vying with the other and endeavoring to get the first glimpse of the unfortunate, but it was all in vein oh god died Not a trace of the headline How about the headline give I mean this is before like headlines are supposed to grab you they're like stick around for the end of the article Yeah, the buzzfeed version of this thing like Yeah, what's the worst thing you you've ever said to your partner? Well, it won't top what this lady did Yeah, right. That's exactly. Yeah, this one's like argument

Deadly breakup story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Not a trace of the poor fellow could be found drags were now introduced on the scene both no better results when the confusion Had arrived at a dreadful pitch and all were in despair at the unsuccessful attempts made to discover the lost one Information arrived wonderful to relate immediately turn the tables the poor fellow on recovering himself from his fall Instead of assuaging his wife's fears turned a deaf ear to her piteous cries for help and knowing the position and depth of the dam Immediately got up and waited to the other side and the brute went home My god, I thought the bunny of might have gone in for a minute

So this guy this guy is in an argument Potentially falls maybe jumped to be honest. Yeah in the dam She freaked out he fakes his own death for like a half hour And he just goes to the other side of the body of water and walks home And she's like he's dead and everyone's got their candles and lanterns and like oh my god We'll never find him. How are we not finding the body? And he's just at home just like warming his clothes by the fire Yeah, that's right. I like yeah Yeah, well, you know I the way this story reads to me is that um the fight was kind of one way and he was just kind of like

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, he just like he just like put he did like his own like trust fall into the water Who knows if he's been practicing it too, you know what I mean like maybe yeah, I like Like he's spied the dam on previous outings from the market. He's like one of these. Yeah. Yeah One of these days I'm gonna throw myself a fucking dam. One of these days I'm just gonna do it. She and then as he's walking back, he's like he she keeps going I am just gonna drop in this motherfucker I it takes a lot of discipline as well to like stay quiet like if someone's fighting me

And then I'm like and then I'm just gonna lie there and like sneak up and then they just keep going I've been there. I've been there. I've definitely been I've definitely been like I'm not talking anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah Like if you put a river near me, I'd be like I'll try Yeah, I'll give it a shot I'd do a mumbler I think The only way to stop this argument And then they'd be like what if I'd be like it's a bunny up. This is a me Bunny up, bunny up

Bunny up I just think you're really bad at prioritizing the utasks As a bunny up a bunny up's opinion A a remarkable monstrosity on Mr. McNichols run near Brank's home a few days ago was born a lamb which being scabby Which being perfect in other respects had all its feet and the lower part of its legs Both four and in hind Formed exactly like those of a kangaroo

Oh, it's got a lambaroo. It's a lambaroo. Yeah, we've got a cam Can now I think the first one I like lambaroo I love it too. I'm not I'm not pushing back. I love it too. That's a sports car It is each the new lambaroni lambaroo 1500 Uh, the lamb was born alive and apparently in stout health Okay, so it's uh, what's it a kangaroo half a kangaroo half lamb that's in Kangaroo fuck a lamb. Is that what we're getting to we can only hope

Oh, this is how you get bunyups This is how you get bunyups. You're not you're playing god Yeah, it's seriously mr. McNichol. However had it killed, but we believe as what is he doing? Wait, so he do What he kept the skin Do you keep the thing you I mean this is a time where you I mean Money see the ceiling on this money. You can sell so many tickets. You're gonna. Yeah, that's what I'm saying Okay, you're I thought you were pushing back. Okay. Yeah, no exactly

Yes, no, he had he had he could have he could have toured america with the golden tip without question Yeah, you could have been playing what's in the pouch with these dumb yankees And you've been unbelievable. Yeah, you're welcome back to what's in the pouch They drive out several hours to see the lambaroo and then they be like, oh, I had to sleep. Sorry, Mike Yeah, yeah, well, I was just gonna say we're lucky that this thing wasn't like this guy didn't discover the platypus He would have just seen it and slit its throat and been like, anyway, where's the regular duck? All we gotta do is duck beavers It's a very australian attitude though to be like wait a second. This is new

And probably one of a kind I'm gonna kill it I wonder if he consulted with anyone or his friend. He was just like, well, it's unfortunate. I've got to kill this thing now Yeah You could surely he could use it for wool Like you could do just keep see what it does. Yeah. Yeah. See what it does Does it hop? Does it bah? Let's see what which which parts which yeah

What if it made what if it made like the best wool ever like what if it cranked out the ultimate We'll never know. We'll never know we lost we lost lambaroo There is we could make another I don't want to To the graphic mating room where either a lamb is kangaroo banging or I feel like I don't want to see the kangaroo banging a lamb if I'm being honest. That's yes They're very aggressive. They're aggressive. They're aggressive. They're aggressive

Yeah Uh the dalesford of mercury We owe the following local incident on sunday evening the congregation at the church of england were astonished By the appearance in the middle of the service of a half-witted italian. Oh, what sorry What did you say? Like everywhere. It's a nightmare. I'm so sorry guys. It's okay. It's funny. We were talking about some kind of half-Italian half-witted italian So I didn't know we're allowed to say that

Well, we're quoting back then. Yeah, we're quoting. He was called a italian go ahead then He marched up the aisle and first took his seat near the pulpit Hey, is this a wear a jesus? Is this a hanging out? I was told that I couldn't meet a god in a year Hey, why are you giving me all this wine calling it a blood? Who is that guy without a weird collar? What is it going on?

Hey, this is a longer book so much of the words is so a tiny And my eyeballs like don't go that small Oh, hey, why is this guy passing me a plate of money? Do I get to put it in on my pocket? I'm a stick in a ridge After exciting considerable attention there he proceeded to make himself comfortable on the floor near the communion table Hey, this is a better where I come up for rum By loud coughs and his peculiar Hey, welcome to everything is in a marinara. Whoa, hey

He succeeded in annoying and alarming many of the ladies of the congregation Hey lady, what do I got to do to marry you? How come are these glass windows are so full of color? Hey, who is it that guy they nailed on the wall? He don't look at too good He could have used a meatball I could have seen his ribs Who cut him? Is that a marinara? How come a marinara is coming out of that guy's ribs? Who made that crown? It looks a way uncomfortable. This is a better where I come from

Why is this person never been in a church before even though he's from Italy? He's dumb. This guy's real dumb. He's really dumb Hey, oh man. I'm so thirsty. Good thing you guys put out a burda bath for me to drink her from Oh That's a summer good of water Uh the same man was given in custody some five months ago being then considered of unsound mind at that time we believe At that time we believe he amused himself by stabbing the letters vr at mr. Keckler's branch office

Hey, don't mind if I do Virtual reality No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't need that guy here. No, no get out of here. Yes guy. He's this guy He's this fellow Guy pops up a lot. He's a bit of a fucking nightmare Hey, how come of that lady's got a like that priest collar, but it's over her head. Who is she? Who is all them? Hey Hey, wow, why how come of this piano have so many pipes on it? Oh

What is it going on? Why is he an italian-american man? Hey, specifically brooklyn. I'm doing it right. I don't understand Hey Hey, is it just me or is a pizza like a calisone that just someone to cut open like it was a surgery? Oh, come on Whoa Why come that guy got his feet nailed one after the other they run out of nails my grandpa got a bunch Oh, oh

Sweet bastard Is that that's it david? Yeah, that's it. That's it. Well, what a ride Jen Thank you for ripping your mic cord out twice so I can hear my Voice and get annoyed by it and thank you for joining us On past times and and contextualizing a bunch of your nightmare nation for us Oh boy, you're beautiful Beautiful australia

At Jen fricker on all the things On all the things on all the things like you're swearing Yeah, gosh Don't gate agents love to have a little little fun little joke about that And they can because I can't say anything because I won't let me on the plane Yeah, no, you really got you. Yeah, I'm real mad about Yeah, we will no go ahead tea off on him. Fuck him. Yeah Have a Adam. Yeah, I'm gonna get on some lists some no fly lists. No, uh, thank you so much for having me

Gosh, I love you a lot Yeah, I learned a lot too. This is what we're trying to do as people are learning You know, it's finally no go ahead It's it's nice to it's nice to see your own country reflected through someone else's eyes And you kind of learn a lot about it and we have learned that this country The you know a lot of it was really built around drinking and stabbing and killing cops and it's like, you know it but And we learned this in school

I'm not saying this it was any of this was a surprise But I think you forget about it and then you put the pieces back together as an adult and you're like, yeah This country was really it's a lot of drinking See, I would think that you guys should do what we do here Which is just completely avoid the reality of your history and just cherry pick like 19 dudes to just be like They were superheroes. Well, we do that as well. That's the crazy thing. We're like, oh bloody You know lots of dead cops a lot of folk heroes killing cops a lot of drinking a lot of pubs Uh and uh, it doesn't matter how how it got there

It doesn't matter what happened to people who lived here before we don't need to talk about that That's the ugly part about history. Well, and we can't actually legally go any further because uh, we don't want to start dipping into the American history because As we all know A bunch of pilgrims found a beautiful place. Yeah, and anything before that is a little bit bullshitty if you ask us Yeah, yeah, we were here Last yeah Yeah, that's what matters. We were here last we found a furnished apartment We found a furnished apartment and we said hey

Yeah, and the family living and they was like, I mean we could kind of share it. We were like that doesn't work for us No Anyway, god bless gen dave god bless you and god bless america the greatest country that god ever put together God bless this mess Thanks for having me guys. Yeah Okay, this is add two Oh, man, you're about to have a lot of fun listening to the dollop. Hey before you do Let me tell you about some dates where I gareth reynolds will be doing some stand-up on the road

Please join me garmie. That's the gareth army. Everyone is using that. It's not up to me. It's just caught fire. Check out the hashtag I will be in los angeles california may 5th at the dynasty typewriter Phoenix, arizona may 18th at stand-up live then july. It's gonna be crazy calling on the garmie. Let's do this I will be uh huntsville alabama july 7th july 8th. I will be in birmingham alabama july 9th I will be in nashville, tennessee july 10th new brunswick new jersey july 11th new york comedy club on july 12th in new york city Then stamford connecticut july 13th at the new york comedy club just what it's called Then potstown pennsylvania july 14th pittsburgh pennsylvania july 15th part of the dve comedy fest july 16th I'll be in syracuse new york and then buffalo new york july 18th albany new york july 19th and then july 20th

21st 22nd I will be at the vermont comedy club in burlington vermont. You can go to gareth reynolds dot com for ticket information The shows are going to be a lot funnier than this ad so i'm looking at you garmie We're drafting soldiers for the now i'm getting a little too deep in this analogy, but anyway join me gareth reynolds dot com for ticket information Let's go garmie.