The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 25 - The Past Times with Naomi Epkerigin

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and the return of Australian stand-up, writer, and actor Naomi Ekperigin.  New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

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That's e for erectile d for dysfunction info dot ca then talk to your doctor because you are not alone when dealing with ed All right everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Naomi egg Paragon. Hello Naomi Hello y'all for the listener. It took us a journey to get here. Okay. We're popping off Your girl's computer can't handle Riverside David Yes, I want to put makeup on my face and I said no David. This is my face and that's how we started Oh, this is quite a curtain peel back a lot. I mean it feels like we've already done it and yeah, Dave

I came in are you camera ready? Since you are first of all you're the first repeat guest we've had and on so that should be yeah, you should be one No, this is this is big. I know you're doing a lot of other stuff, but congratulations But you're the second guest on a podcast. This is much bigger than anything else. You're doing no No, this is huge and then you know this is my stepping stone to being with you live Because when y'all do your live episodes, you need a strong black woman sometimes to just kind of you A lot of people say I'm the strong black woman at the light And the people who say that are mostly Gareth

Yeah, and and they do not stop saying it sometimes No, that would be great But again, we would there would be travel involved and there's the slippery slope. We keep talking about Naomi you have a great podcast Dave and I have been on your podcast called couples therapy that you do with Andy your Your man your your Husband-in-waiting is that? Yes, indeed. Yes indeed wedding coming up soon March 11th, is it 2023. Wow Wow, are you planning a spreader? Are you planning a spreader event for that? You know really trying to it's gonna be outside

So that is kind of the big plan to avoid becoming a super spreader because my nightmares people being like oh really good chicken I almost died there. You know what I mean? So I'm really trying to make it like so it's all outdoor and Hopefully that will be you know, that'll help us stave that off and then we're gonna have like HEPA filters inside because you have to go inside to use the restroom So we're gonna have those like in the in the nice space. Well done. Thank you. Is it well somebody likes to read? is Is it okay if we've not been invited? But if Dave and I can figure out where it is. Are we allowed to show up show up?

You know what? I'll say anybody can come to the cocktail hour You can come have yourself some dumplings have a drink But you got to get it you got to get out when the plated meal starts, okay? Naomi the games of foot If we can get in the cocktail hour and take out two guests Can we then take their place at the meal? Well, that's a musical chair situation if you're already sitting I'll allow it. Who am I to say okay? I shouldn't be sitting there. We're gonna beat them up. We're gonna beat them up and take their outfits like a cartoon

Now we'd like to have a guess as to what year we might be dealing with Naomi, I'll guess that we're dealing with I think he's gonna give us something more recent. I'm gonna guess 1940 oh my god, that's interesting because when I was here the last time again, I am a repeat guest I like to just first repeat God first. Yeah, everyone. You're welcome We were like in the 70s if I remember correctly So I was also thinking like maybe 40s very fraught time But I thought maybe the 1940s would be like juicy Okay, so let's say we'll both we're both going we're both hitching our wagons to the 40s David

You're both wrong. Yeah, man. Too strong. Black women. I 1907 That's good. That's not that's a good year July 21st in Fairbanks, Alaska You thought Alaska was boring now Let's see on page one a lot of ads but Persistent wife keeps after hubby Mrs. R Hebble wait poured gasoline over the clothes of her drunken husband and

Because he would not talk back to her she set them on fire Wait, are we talking Alaskan waiting to exhale? This sober him up very quickly and he ran to the neighbors and the fire was put out and the man was taken to the hospital Is he still wearing them he was he was in the clothes they I would have said that from the if I was writing this Myself I would have been like she said him on fire Article just wants us to think it was just the clothes By the lawyers like all she did was burn an outfit Your honor this is ridiculous

It's also beautifully Fox News because she's described as being persistent Real go get her this woman won't quit she won't Just she would take no She's freezing she's simply looking for a heat source Ladies a gentleman of the cold jury Um, so there's only one sentence left he will recover and now the wife wants him arrested for drunkenness Okay, okay wait. No. No. No miss Hebble wait. You cannot turn the tables in that manner You cannot light somebody on fire and then say see see he was drunk

You see what she did you know what actually I check as I'm saying it I changed my mind. She's a bad bitch I'm obsessed with her setting him on fire and then trying to get him arrested I'm gonna get him arrested And then trying to get him arrested I and I mean one could argue the combustibility is raised by the alcohol level of the man This is all very this is legal. This is fine It's not a great marriage I just I think it needs work. I think they need some counseling I don't because because I just say that because she said I'm on because she let him on fire

No, right. She let him on clothes. She lit clothes on fire that he happened to be in at the time of the lighting She burned an outfit you asshole. Oh my god, Ralph I have no idea your neighbor comes over to your house and he's on fire And didn't it say that he ran to the neighbors? Yes, he ran to the neighbors So he on fire runs to the neighbors gives a knock and they're like Ralph. What's up? He's like, yeah, there's lots there. Can you put me out? They're like roll in the snow. What are you doing? Oh? God Just setting each other on fire all the time

Listen to me and they just said each other in fire. Oh the look of the twins I Fired out American boat The steamer San Jose of the Pacific Coast Steamship Company just reached port from her regular South American trip She underwent an experience quite out of the ordinary and one which her officers crew and passengers will long remember This is much better set up than the last one Yeah, so far this is it's very straightforward. Yeah when entering when entering the harbor at I can't read it

Action action. I can't really read it sure Salvador so in in El Salvador. I assume they're just calling it Salvador Early early on the morning of July 7th. She was fired upon from the fort guarding the harbor The firing was stopped by the captain running a white sheet to the mast head So the they gave up right, but we said they surrendered I'm not into this passive voice. They were fired upon the firing who fired at the boat Okay, that's interesting an investigation Proved that the ship was mistaken for a Nicaraguan gunboat No one was injured and the officers of the fort were profuse in their apologies

Well, that's nice. It's nice to offer a mea culpa I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. Wait a minute. You're from El Salvador. Okay. I thought you're a Nicaraguan Rockwoods So sorry But we have for it. We got cannons. So we're like, what are we doing here? Let's let's use some shit. That's uh Oh, there's a there is a water famine in Seattle water famine Also knows also knows a drought, but should we call it a water famine? I'm sorry man. I have a sip

I'm experiencing water famine Yeah, it's it's July it's July 20th, so it's a summertime so And they and they're not they're probably not great at capturing water at this point, you know They probably don't have reservoirs. I feel like in 1907. That's all you can do is capture water Do you know what I mean? Like there are no other activities. They're no other skills. You just like capture water This is I think they were just like, well, we have a lake. Let's just use the lake. That's probably what they were doing Okay, fair. Fair. I like the historian of the group. You're the historian of the group, but well, no, let's say this All the Seattle experts on water feel free not to tell me what the actual situation

Well, what'll be great is that this will be released in six months and we will not Remember what we talked about and someone will be like Seattle is capturing water at low levels of the earth and we'll be like What are sorry? What are you guys? What's going on? There was one we did I do not click like when people do that when they like come back with a receipt. I'll be like honey I can't even acknowledge this. I know you're just like I am I am at the grocery store I don't know what the fuck you are talking about right now So this is a pretty classic I think this is a pretty Fairbanksy tiny story. The headline is leaves for outside

I was gonna say up until this one there were this is actual news They I was gonna commend them for actually kind of having like news stories in the paper But then before I think about someone going outside I think all the other the other ones are from other places now. This is a local Fairbank story. Okay, so we're finally Okay, Oscar Oscar Oscar Nelson the former partner of Gus Peterson on Numbers seven and eight above Fairbanks Creek has left for the outside for an extended trip Okay, wait, wait, is this a gay couple and you're telling me the news is one person went outside You're telling me I think it's their way of saying maybe like the outback like that the country like I think he's going

Out into the forest. I don't buy it because I'm gonna tell you 1907 Alaska It's all forest. Okay, the bathroom is forest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the the grocery store is forest You know what I mean? You get burned for that's true. Yeah. All right, so he's just going outside How do you report news unless you're going outside to get it? Which would then itself be you are making news by acquiring news Am I the only one who got stoned before this? I think you opened no, no, no, I'm with you because if going outside his news Everyone is news. Okay. Anybody who yeah, and any and any reporter would have to get like unless this guy like came to his door I was like I went outside. He was like, holy shit. Come in here. This is crazy

What do you see out there kid? How do we get this to the editor? I don't know I've been writing a paper in here for nine years alone This is from the Times News Service Headline gossip of women starts murder theory Okay First true crime podcast first true crime podcast go on this happened in Illinois It was reported yesterday that proof would be forthcoming to show that the wife of banker McGill had been chloroformed Jesus Christ. That's not your headline

Women be chatty chloroform Women in their gossip am I right wasn't your wife quote. Yeah, she's she's passed out from rag mouth The latter with his second wife and daughter oh they had to throw and he's been married before is twice married son of a bitch The latter with his second wife and daughter have been in hourly fear Because the indignation because of the indignation expressed by citizens But the promise proof was not forthcoming today and the banker and his alleged accomplice are to be released Oh, so they arrested him believing that he had

chloroformed The wife of someone else Confusing I thought it was on wife. You see what I'm saying anybody can write night to know seven They said you would this is bad writing paper because it's nobody making any sense The first person said she let clothes on fire and the clothes was had a person on them and that is what it's saying Because of the proof of the chloroform gossiping women therefore he has been released and it's like is that even grammar I Bet the reporters like what do you mean and then he got chloroformed? I?

Don't know Okay, so banker McGill right is said to have chloroformed his wife and dog Maybe not daughter, but his wife He says and what did you do to mom look? I'm sorry Sally. This is just I'm gonna chloroform everyone who asks questions about the chloroformings I'm trying to watch the game. You know the chloroform comes out when I want. I want to why are your daughter and wife chloroform? Come here Andrew. Jesus Christ. Hey, what happened to Andrew? Oh John gonna get a little more on the rag here Honey, I was gonna see what you all want. Oh my god. Oh god. Damn it mom Just drop

But now it says okay So but the promised proof was not forthcoming today and the banker and his alleged Accomplices are to be released so there were other people involved in this right this story is assuming that everybody knows what's happened And nobody knows what's happened because it's been picked up in a Fairbanks paper So no one knows the backstory, but this paper is like everybody knows about banker McGill right in Illinois very far from Fairbanks But now where does the gossip come in? So there is no There is no evidence to show that they committed the alleged murder

It is now claimed that the murder theory started from the gossip of women So a mere chloroforming An act of revelry and just like fun and jokes a big goof to most of us It's the women get a hold of this they start gabbing away and all of a sudden it's a murder when it's really just a rag-coma Okay, is that right And because the wife it said the wife is in fear of the citizens So the wife had not been chloroformed But the rumor had started that chloroformed ha chloroforming has been done who was in fear of the citizens like I thought

This wife is dead husband and she's not dead She's not dead. She's scared because the rumor is is that she is dead, but she's not dead And her and her that her husband did it and she's like guys I'm here and they're like quiet by it quiet Andrea. We're trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you This is not news this is a fever dream. This is a fever dream of somebody. This is not well This is what happens when you get chloroformed and someone's like what happened. You're like well so I died and Nicknames of the pugilists

Many of the little boxers take your hat off Just the disorganization of papers the headlines. No, it's it's it's really there's no We're still not at the and we're still not at the place in in newspapers yet Where they're like big news on the first page and then we'll do lesser news and sports We're still at the point where they're like, let's just put something here It was just like you took a handful of like headline magnets and then just threw it at the fridge And you're like there it is. That's the order Many of the leading boxers of the country who are who use assumed names in the prize ring would hardly be known by their family names

For instance, many people are not aware that the Philadelphia Jack O'Brien was christened Joseph Francis Anthony Hagan Here with our son No, but his box name is Jack O'Brien. Okay, his real name is much longer. Yes Yeah, no, you don't want to be like Muhammad Ali fighting Joseph Francis Anthony Hagan Here with are some of the rings titles of the famous fighters past and present. Oh, okay So he just listing names. Yeah, they just fill in space. They just fill in space That was not this is just like fun fact. Yeah, pop up video

John L. His real name is John L. Sullivan How is that? You're not gonna believe Man, they just got rid of us all of it. I'm sorry. You've lost me. How did they do it? John the next one is The next one is Fitz whose real name is Robert J. Fitzsimons All right nicknames. Okay. I'm getting how nicknames work keep the first one. It was great Australian Billy Murphy is actually Thomas William Murphy

Okay, so his middle name. Oh Here's a good one. I bet Isaac O'Neill Weir is known as the Belfast spider Wait now special now. We're talking and that is a great. That's a great one He's got eight hands Belfast spider. Oh William Meyer is the Streeter cyclone the Cyclone yeah, I think that's what does the street cleaner. Oh street boy

Get out of the way. Oh, I've got all the trash Don't park there from 9 to 11 or you'll get a ticket from the street cyclone John Griffin is brain tree lad. Hello, I'm out of this corner Brain tree lad. That's a bad one. I'll say that is very bad. I'm afraid to just say that's a very bad He's gonna brain tree a kid I Let's see a couple more Amos Smith is mysterious Billy Smith mysterious mysterious is the worst mysterious is the worst boxing nickname ever

We have no details this man just walked into the ring He's where the hell is he he's not even here this guy just keeps you guess There's also Frank Craig is the Harlem coffee cooler That's right. It's coffee cooler Yeah, it's coffee something Harlem was known for in 1907. It's always got a cool that coffee Cool it off. He'll take all the hot coffee and he'll cool it down. That's how good of a fighter. He is that's already punches The it makes no sense. Oh, it makes absolutely no sense the Harlem coffee. Yeah, I hope you like that cold Jesus, dude, you're crazy. Yeah, I

Got brain tree Got for the brain tree lad Those are the best ones. There's not really Go on It goes on it goes into another section. It's like just a giant list of nicknames Most of them are like turning the page and like that was ridiculous Jesus Christ If you are experiencing symptoms of a rectile dysfunction or ed don't worry, you're not alone 52% of Canadian men between 40 and 70 suffer from ed to get more information sign up at ed info dot ca

That's e for a rectile d for dysfunction info dot ca then talk to your doctor because you are not alone when dealing with ed Oh, I know you're excited to listen to this episode. So am I hey everybody. It's Gareth half of this podcast It's gonna be a good time But before you get to it I wanted to give you some stand updates where I'll be on the road You can come join me be part of the garmy the Gareth army you guys call yourselves that it's nothing to do with me But come on out and join me. I will be in Austin, Texas May 12th and 13th. I will be in Phoenix, Arizona May 18th. I will be in

Birmingham, Alabama July 9th. I will be in Nashville July 10th. I will be in New Jersey New Brunswick July 11th. I will be in New York City July 12th at the New York Comedy Club Then I'll be in Stanford, Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club July 13th July 14th. I'll be in Pottstown, Pennsylvania I'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the DVE Comedy Fest July 15th. I will be in Syracuse, New York July 16th I will be in Buffalo, New York July 18th, New York I hope you're not sick of me because I'll be in Albany, New York July 19th Then July 20th 21st 22nd I will be in Burlington, Vermont at the Vermont Comedy Club go to Gareth Reynolds comm for ticket information

Be part of the Garmie and you might notice I didn't say Huntsville, Alabama July 7th and July 8th. Those dates are getting moved Sorry, Garmie. So go to Gareth Reynolds comm get yourself some tickets. Let's party We're not prosecute man who used axe to horse Okay, again, you know a headline should both clarify and grab one's attention And what I feel is happening here is they can't decide which one they want to do They don't want to think you're right there. You want to grab your attention or they want to tell you what's going on Yep, axe to horse again. There's a passivity to it. There's a lack of clarity like what do you mean the accident? Somebody tried to chop their horses head off. No, no, no, no, no

An axe went to a horse Took itself to the horse. It's an accident. Horses, yep, naturally, but wait, no charges, right? They're saying no charges. You can just ask well J. Peter the owner of the poor horse which was which was chopped in the thigh the other day Says that he will not Says he will not prosecute the miserable wretch who perpetrated the deed as he believes the publicity given to the event Will in this case be enough to scare the man and any others that would want to do a like deed So

So a man hit a horse with an axe in the thigh, right? Yes And everybody was so mad at him and he has such a shit reputation now that the guy who owns the horse is like That's enough And and he's like nobody else is gonna do this Because now all the Fairbanks is like Jim is shit. This is a Fairbank story then This is a hundred percent a fair big story. Don't you think in order to put an axe into a horse's thigh? You'd have to go outside Haven't we just kind of blown the lid off the excitement of a man going outside?

This is this is a twofer well this guy not only went outside He took an axe to a horse thigh like it was a tree trunk like that's what's wild about it He like hit the horse like it was very much a tree Which leads me to think that maybe he was drunk and should have been set on fire See they get drunk in Fairbanks. They need to just be set on fire to stop them Which also leads to the point of the guy who got set on fire He was outside and he had to go to another person's house who had to go outside to find him I'm just gonna continue to poke holes in the newsworthiness of that story about the person who went outside

This is why it's filler live in the past because he's a No, we're I can't live in the present, but yeah, he's enough Yeah You're all outside In speaking on the matter Jay Peter said while all the circumstances that surround the case point strongly to the party Who was guilty of injuring my horse and a little girl actually saw the act committed? Oh, I feel that the poor fellow has already received all the punishment that I care to give him Oh into the publicity given to the fiendish deed when it was committed. I will not prosecute him

I know he will not do it again. The horse's wound is already healing Some and owing to the cut being Lengthwise in the thigh. I hope he will be well again in a few weeks Okay, now I'm about to blow a whistle You're saying he's gotten so much attention. He'll never do it again David Anthony Where is the man's name listed in this story? I I'm thinking they don't I'm thinking that they

It's like a don't give him any more attention this guy or he'll keep doing it bad reporting How you gonna tell me that everybody knows is him and now he's gonna be ashamed you won't even put his name in the paper Again, we're in Fairbanks where they're like I we don't have to give the full story because everybody already knows that this is shit Jim Yeah, just shit Jim because it's very vague because we know the name of the horse owner, but not the name of the man He's I won't say anything about the perpetrator. It's like what is the perpetrator's name? I need to know You can I do believe that Naomi has won the article I think that

Has been decided that you can't be like look he's been ashamed. It's like who the fuck is he enough? Nobody knows who it was. Yeah, I mean he's synonymous with horse-axing now Who is he? Oh, come on. Let him be Oh This is a follow-up This is hilarious. No to a different story Vancouver man the Vancouver this is on another some page four and the where did the fire story happen page one? Well, yeah, it's like the starter first page. That's how you drop the amuse. Yeah, the amuse-bouche. Yeah

So now we have another comment on it the Vancouver man whose wife poured gasoline on him and set it a fire And when he finally escaped cremation wanted him arrested for drunkenness and had better plead guilty and pay his fine He is up against two strenuous a game Okay, so they're saying put him in jail Yeah, they're saying He I thought they're saying he needs to plead guilty because so because his foe is too strong like Don't don't take on this lady anymore. This wife lady yours. Just give in give up the fight What did wouldn't this just work it has like the end of the original story? Absolutely

Absolutely. Well, it's quite an inner measure. Why is it all it's just it's literally just a tiny little paragraph In the middle of the page exactly so who the fuck was just like all right. Look this month's papers almost done It has a scrapbooking element to it. Yeah, I have a little open square What should I put here and then it's like move this a grandma is just kind of going through Day-Coupage headlines And you're like grandma. This is just kind of crazy And then they told him that he should be careful Like a glue stick in a dream, but it's like Ask to horse leave him alone

It's like Yeah This comes out of Portland George DeMars an artist painter was killed near here by an 11 year old boy Wow Holy shit What? Oh

By Jackson Reed yesterday, so they live in 11 year old boys named Jackson Reed Put an axe in a horse. Come on. Leave it. Let him live. There's 11 year old like this little Jackson Reed shit DeMars was on a fishing trip and was following the stream across the grounds of the Reed farm this anger of the young Reed boy Reed boy who procured a gun and shot DeMars killing him instantly Jesus That's bad parenting I'm gonna get good parenting. I'm on coming from the other side. I like the parenting. Yeah, you think this is good I think this is a really bad parenting. I mean this guy was fishing look at it this way First of all, he's stealing your fish second of all

That's not fish it's a stream shut up asshole. Second of all if the dad if the dad shoots him You're talking there's gonna be some legal action. You get the 11 year old. I didn't know no better Yeah, yeah, no no because you know at 1907 11 is really 35 So I feel like you could definitely put that 11 year old in jail For the rest of his life nine years Exactly exactly This is a story that they put in there and and you're like How did you not go further on this like this is

That's it. That's the whole that's the whole story Well, to be fair in two pages. We might get our conclusion. I was gonna say Two more sentences. Tell me if he's already escaped prison. Yeah. Yeah now. He's third now the 13 year old boy and what? Now 25 and married four years every paper is written Um, this is from new york, uh, Daniel W. Baker U. S. Attorney in the department of justice at washington Together with his bride and narrowly escaped death today when an auto automobile in which they were riding plunged over the edge of a hundred foot Precipice my holy shit when they lived the machine landed upright and the party escaped with that serious injury

So is like a cartoon Exactly That they didn't they literally did a wily coyote Wow, do we have a quote from them? Do we have a quote from one of the lovers? We have nothing. That's the end of the story You know, I just I'm very upset by the fairbanks local I really wish they would give me information because also don't you imagine the 1907 car is like Made of like scrap metal like i'm surprised that it even could withstand the impact of a precipice

Well, this is when they made cars with parachutes so It is very animated Yeah, yeah, you would imagine some of you like what was that like but instead people like we've got the story Done they lived we're done here. They're done another. Uh, here's another story. This one seems local. I think Hair-raising trip in the automobile Old timer tells about the voyage to fox city last night You cannot follow a fucking story about people going in a car over a bridge landing upright with a guy went downtown in a car

What is fox city is it a city of foxes? I think back then you just named a city like because there's the frontier So yeah, you just saw something when you saw something and you're like there's foxes here. Oh shit fox city You know downtown I'm from brown deer, wisconsin and one time this guy was like, you know, I would got its name and I was like I don't think I do actually I always thought it was just because there was a bunch of brown deer and he's like So you do know Oh, okay. Yeah, okay

Does anyone want to does anyone want to take a makeup break or anything anybody need to You know, I could touch up, I could touch up my cheekbones. That's what you mentioned it David. You, you are such a dirtbag He's a messy bitch who lives for drama. That's what we is That's what I've always said about David We've got a new twitter handle Uh, she really is Dave lobby chaperon to party of seven out to fox gulch in his new automobile at three o'clock this morning Okay, so there's ship face. Okay. Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, some of that alaskas He made he made the round trip in 80 minutes traveling time one old timer who was a guest tells about it All right. Is is there a quote coming? Oh, okay. He says they were gonna see you later He says the bloomin thing is 10 feet long and And could make 50 feet in a jump A car he's describing a car He's saying cars can jump 50 feet He it's a 10 foot long car that could jump 50 feet. That's correct. Yep. So that's exactly what old person would say

Well, he doesn't know measurements. He's just nobody's ever been like this is a foot. He's like this thing's 10 feet It could probably jump 50 feet 1907 and he's in a car like and he's drunk, right? So they've asked him this question at 4 30 in the morning He's wasted like he's just like it was it's one of those We it's one of those bar it's a dash cam video of him like kind of wobbling as the cops like all right So, uh, what do you explain? Where's his attempt for car could just jump a hundred feet? All right. Can you do the alphabet backwards? I somebody who's gone foxes about a hundred feet the car is jumping

Whoo It would hit a raise in the road So they didn't even know what to call bumps at this point. They're so roads are so new. They're like, is it a raise? What do we call it? Uh, it would hit a raise in the road fly up jump up and forward 60 or 80 feet hit bottom and bounce He said he was I mean honestly Come on. Does it have axe be written on the side?

He said he was sure they struck bedrock 20 times He said he crossed the Tanana when the ice was going out to mushing and had to run up against many inconveniences But he had to ask to get out and walk back when they had covered about three miles of the return trip at a rate of 50 miles an hour I literally have no idea what's happening. He's why would you ever ask a drunk person for a quote? Nothing they're saying is makes any sense It's about 40 feet mush. Okay. He's like and then I hit some mush and I went up in the road and we hit bedrock And I said get let me out. I'm walking. Let me out I shone at the avenue cut the floor out and did it with my feet

Whoo mushy ground I this next sentence He said colonel mccray was the chiffon ear Who's colonel mccray another Fairbanks local we don't know a chiffon ear and Well, I think he's really hammered because chiffon ear in English means, uh, a chest of drawers So it's just kind of like Beauty and the Beast or he's like that's a candlestick. Tell me I gotta marry this dog man The beast is a dog man, gareth. Yeah

Yeah Well, what is he? Is he mixing up that word with something? Is there another word that he could be mixing up? That's what he's trying to say. That's what I thought. Do you think he's Yeah, okay. Sounds like a magician chauffeur He spelled it and it's in quotes. So they're probably making fun of them. Right, right because it's c-h-i-f-f-o-n-e-e-r So he's trying to say show for and they're and they're saying and he maybe he's has an accent Well, he's drunk so we all get an accident when we're drunk and he just had his first car ride

Okay, that's all at play here this thing went 10 feet 10 feet big it could jump 50 feet into bedrock and make Mush and this is my chauffeur the driver He could die happy this man has just been on a six flags roller coaster. Do you know what I mean? Like that's what that was for him at that Let's go to the rest of his life. How are you grandpa? Hey, I had this car This automobile was 10 feet if it was a foot Okay, grandpa. I'm gonna leave your porridge here. Okay, and then they Should be here again. The porridge reminds me of the mush. That was after the bedrock

We then the car sprouted wings and we flew to the sun and met Icarus I'm gonna unplug you now. Okay. All right. Goodbye. You know where I'll be I'll just be thinking of my life inside that 10 foot car Uh This is a story out of Chicago fire hose is used to disperse a mob The police succeeded Sounds racial. I'm concerned Well, it's also you appreciate what it was like. Oh, this was this was before people just hose everybody

Yeah, this is like this might be the first time they did it. We're like check this out Look how it works. By the way, you take the guy from the first article put him in this mob We've got a solution. We've got a solution. Yeah The police succeeded finally in dispersing the mob which had gathered in the street on the west side for the purpose of seeing Some manifestation in the haunted house. Okay, so it's it's actually you're actually wrong. It's not black It's not a it's not a racial thing. It's it's crazy white people wait. Well, they had gathered to see A haunted house. They want to see a ghost. Yeah, they want to see a ghost but they're outside of house

They've come to see a ghost and they're crowded out front They're hoping it's going to poke its head out the window or something and it's so bad And they're like you guys got to get out of here. It's not on it show us the ghost And then they they were like look just hose them hose these people hose them down Okay, I have a question now You know as the person reading the microfiche because I do imagine it's microfiche Dave Is it just like all? Is it local and

um Yeah, all of it. It's just mixed in it's like just toggling news news. There's no like local page. Okay. There is some papers will have like a International page international news and and those papers usually suck because it's all like what the queen do in portugal And it's boring actually sounds quite interesting to some of us But then there's papers that just cover a lot of local stuff or like stuff around the united states Yeah, okay, so it's all just a hodgepodge and you just got to kind of figure out where you're at in any given Total total hodgepodge

Um only by application of the fire hose could the The could the clean the streets could they clean the streets probably The officials claim to have solved the mystery of the haunted house They say that it was only a practical joke and that the success of the joke exceeded the expectations of the perpetrators And um, I believe that's the end of the story Oh wait, the perpetrators what was that haunting? There's no further to it This paper infuriates As you have ever write to me. I've never been angry. Could you imagine if I lived in Alaska in 1907 not only would I be

Probably a witch by their estimation, but I would be angry every day Yeah, this is like this is like you you're hearing a story from like your grandmother and you're like Okay, no go. Who who's the person? It's a kid. It's a kid telling you it's Sally. You know Sally No, it's toddler. Yeah, totally. I was like, but then the guys wasn't just a guy so they used the hose I'm wait on who? Yeah, then the ghost was gone. There was the police So what was the police where? Yeah, because the guy was on fire the car was 10 feet The car went 50 feet in 10 feet

Yeah, 15 10, but the other car fell 100 feet and then they were okay And then she let the clothes on fire and then he had to go outside Yeah, it was outside. Were there clothes everybody's outside? Oh my lord Livid this is why they didn't let women read because if women read they would have been mad as hell There goes the gossiping the gossiping again the gossiping starts and then someone maybe got chloroformed or not Shut up muriel. We're talking about how you're dead. So he killed her. I'm telling you right now I'm right here. No, you're not

I'm alive Oh, I think I think I went Oh, I think I went to the next page. I think that was the end of the paper. I went to the next page Okay, so we're on to the next uh It's obvious. I literally thought you just jumped into a new taper on accident and it wouldn't it wouldn't even matter Yeah, it doesn't matter If you are experiencing symptoms of erectile dysfunction or ed don't worry You're not alone 52 of canadian men between 40 and 70 suffer from ed

To get more information sign up at ed info dot ca That's e for erectile d for dysfunction info dot ca then talk to your doctor because you are not alone when dealing with ed Woman is experimenting with gasless machine Oh my lord. I have my name. She wants I want a husband that does not fart constantly She's building a robot. Yeah uh august First in new york an aeroplane a flying machine without a gas bag

Okay, without a gas bag Explaining what an airplane is Wait, what is this? It's a flying machine without a gas bag. They're describing a not a not balloon is what they're doing Uh is making exhibition flights you today It is the invention of miss e tod who was formerly a stenographer in the patent office at washington And are they making is there So they're a woman who's invented a a gas bag less flying machine Who just happened to work in the patent office? Are they insinuating something here?

Are they saying that that she stole or took ideas from the Well, she knew she knew what she could do. Do you know what I'm seeing a hole in the market? I can get a buddy out of this that would be a great griff though if you worked in the patent office You're like, this is genius. Let's tell them we already have one of these. Yeah, someone already got one of those. It was me Sorry Yeah, and someone did your idea too. It was also me Denied because I got it started the paperwork yesterday, but crazy And Naomi you're not gonna believe this Naomi, but that's the end of the story

I feel dumber having read the paper. I don't know nothing about nothing. I know nothing I know less. I have more questions. I'm more confused than when we began Yeah You need to write a response paper Put it in five The new edition of what the fuck is out. Yeah, there's like a little it's like one of those things they put inside of the paper Like this is the thing that'll help you read the paper The paper's obviously bad shit crazy

It would just be me doing follow-ups. It would just be like, okay Do you want to know what happened? Go to page seven and then like I tracked down the 11 year old boy and I go So, so why did you shoot him and what with the repercussions? I'm looking for what we call a story You can just find out who how and why okay, you shot him one time dead. Are you chilling? Are you in jail? Are you married? Okay? Okay? Next up your husband Okay, your wife said you need to go to jail for being drunk. Did you go?

No, will you go? We're reading this is the follow-up times the paper that makes sense of the paper This headline deadly bullets of paper What the fuck bullets of paper or tallow produce far greater damage than metal ones when used for short distance firing Dave look, okay Come on. No. No is the answer, right? No. No is absolutely the answer. No is Just wanted to make sure I wasn't going out on a limb It was recently found on trial that whereas a metal bullet penetrated a Deal plank one inch thick and left a neat hole a paper bullet broke the plank

A paper bullet passing through six pieces of tin placed one foot apart buckled them up and made them useless Whereas a metal bullet and where does the story go? Where is a metal bullet? That's it? That's a good question Where is a metal bullet? Oh here it is merely left a small round hole Wait, is that dead? Yeah, I had to go up to the next page and that's all it was It just says left a small round hole Just over Continued on page 10

No Frank. We don't have different fonts. Yeah, we do Wait a minute It was found that this happened. Yeah, who found it. Why'd they find it? I'm afraid to what end? I'm afraid. I bet you there's bad news Naomi. I bet you You was someone shot with a paper bullet. That's again No, they were just testing they were testing him out and their idea is that since a paper bullet breaks Breaks the board. Yep. Yep that it's that it's better than the bullet that goes into the board Meaning they don't know what the fuck a bullet is

Why are they doing this Dave? I don't understand Well, you want me to read the next thing because you're gonna you're probably just gonna leave It explains why humans lack reading comprehension even now. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Because it's like if this is what was going on in 1907 in a way. I would have thought it would have been Better because there's not as much to talk about. Do you know what I'm saying? Like there's not as much to do that you would think They would be making a meal out of everything and it seems like they really almost don't want you to know

What's that? Yeah, it's purposely vaguer than if they had all the time in the world Yeah 100% well this next thing is just there's a there's just a tiny blur There's only one really remarkable set of children in the world whom everybody is dying to hear about and every mother knows their pet names That's the whole fucking thing What no, sorry, what do you mean? That's the whole you have to repeat it though. You have what are you talking about? What am I talking about? That's the story Gareth

And when you say that's the story you mean there's nothing else there There's a line above this and a line below it. That's the story And just to keep may we may we just Per the request of now. May we hear it again, please? Sure There's only one really remarkable set of children in the world whom everybody is dying to hear about and every mother knows their pet names And that's a single sentence Uh-huh. Yep. There's a headline and a story. It's a headline Right beneath it is the best dinner and fare bags turkey and chicken dinner with blue with fresh blueberry pie ice cream or pudding one dollar

baby Okay, so we don't okay, so we don't know their pet names or where these kids are but uh, you gotta go back to the boxers Okay, brain tree lad Belfast spider Every mother knows their spit name This is the Belfast spider. He's the best my baby boy. This is the street cyclone All right, buddy Okay, uh, this one doesn't have a headline. It's just the blurb doesn't matter

Mr. Kudaba who brought the first king salmon into hot springs this season was arrested for refusing to pay a road tax At the time of this writing. He absolutely refuses to pay claiming that the law is unconstitutional He was fined twenty five dollars in cost which he refuses to pay if he does not pay It will be it will mean about 20 days in jail at two dollars a day that guy's never getting out of jail Right to first of all 25 dollars is a lot for a road tax. That's a lot for 19 Well, I don't think I don't know if that that was the fine. He he just wouldn't pay he wouldn't the road tax was probably like Oh, I see what you're saying tense answer something. He's just being an asshole But he's one of those guys for 20 days. That's 40 dollars. He's not doing that either

No, he's he's really dug a hole for himself even though he doesn't want to pay the tax for digging the hole He has to pay for the jail No, yeah, they're putting him in jail and they're gonna find him $2 a day if he goes to jail. What kind of That's I don't think that's fair. I'm gonna go on record. I don't think you should have to pay for jail I think it's a way to make you pay All right. Are you checking out? Yeah, I serve my sentence. All right. It's gonna be $4,800 Plus you got you know, you order a lot of cell service Did you get me for the mini bar? Did you make toilet wine?

Then that's gonna be an extra fee all right, so it's total that up $25 in 1908 is today would be 800 Wow, it doesn't that seems like I feel like I thought it would be crazier. I feel like the people don't like him The salmon king Yeah, I think I think this this cocky salmon guy. They're like, we're not interested in your bullshit anymore. Coulda bought They're done with him Um, here's an interesting headline wanted to kill mother

What the fuck? I'm so sorry. That is yeah. Is it is there a colon after the wanted? Nope. Wanted to kill a wanted to kill somebody to kill my mom. Okay. Okay. All right wanted to kill the mother There Miss Rachel. This is from Dawson. I don't know where Dawson is Uh, miss creak. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Well done Miss m Rachel pine A daughter of mrs. Rita a storekeeper of Dawson this morning fired a rifle at the 10-year-old son of mrs Lafell

Her neighbor in south Dawson When arrested she said she intended to kill the mother if she'd come to the door Wow, but settled this up. But settle what? But when the boy came instead she merely intended to frighten him. Oh, well, then yeah, then okay, then it's fine You're just you're just trying to scare a child Yeah, you're scaring a 10-year-old with a shooting a gun. What's the big deal? That's right. I shot him with a gun Never was he scared? Was he scared? She has been committed for insanity

Wait really Yeah, yeah, she's been committed for insanity. The unfortunate woman had been a resident of Dawson for many years. That's the whole story Wow, so she was like she was known as a Dawson lunatic And then this was the straw the the Dawson shooter Okay, we gotta get a new issue of the follow-up times. I gotta go to whatever asylum they're keeping her in and go miss Yes, why did you want to shoot the mother dying to know what she did to you? Was there gossip? Was there gossip honestly a context a little context? It's just everything's the action a boy was shot at a boy shot a man

A man was lit on fire. Why we don't do that sort of news. We don't get into that. That's none of my business We're not you you might want to read the motivated times. That's not what we do Your cat really wants camera time. I know he's just I don't know what his deal is. Jose knows he's a star. Jose's doing some really the best work on IG So he's just he is a crusher, but I don't know how he knows the frame always. He's like right over here. That'll be good Yeah, he's really good, but like Dave. I'm gonna say that you're not giving your dog enough Instagram time, you know, I understand if you want to have your children have their own lives But you're gonna need to bring the dog to the main you're gonna have

Yeah, okay, he got shaved they both got shaved because Winter the rain Here wait, Dave. Don't here. I'll do the headline version of your story dog shaved for weather That'll do Uh, here's a headline man believed to be eaten by bear Believe to be go on Gnome well, we know gnome is in Alaska. So we we get that one Uh, Sam Lytian who left the mine of harry o'Donnell and cc carpenter on march 20th

Is believed to have been eaten by a bear on the Siberian coast His sled and blankets have been found, but no trace of himself has ever been discovered although Search has been diligently made this guy does not know how to write a sentence Yeah, mr. O'Donnell is not quite sure that the man has been eaten, but mr. Carpenter appears to be convinced of the fact and he's One guy's like, I don't think he's been eaten the other guy's like, no, he's been eaten pretty sure Hit his head falling in snow, but he's just like he got buried He says that the natives are thoroughly convinced that Lytian has been devoured. Okay. Well now I believe it if the if the indigenous folks are saying it then it's it's true

And I'm inclined to believe them as well But also just fantastic if they killed them to just be like probably a bear. Oh, that was my fault What what do you think it looks like some of you are wearing his clothes a bear gave them No, interesting bear the bear took them off before he ate them very carefully And if they just like they just were like it's easy to fool the whites So they just picked up like some snow and crushed it and we're like a bear ate him Well, all right. They they know they're more in harmony with the land. Thank you for helping a bear ate him everybody I'm telling you if I was indigenous and just a random white dude came up on the scene

I'd be like we gotta get him. We can't have him telling friends where we are We can't have him coming back with a surge party. Yep. Shut it down blame it on a bear Always always go the white guy always go the white guy always Don't first of all we've said this don't ever show the white where anything valuable is nothing Don't be like. Oh, yeah, we have gold. No. No. Yeah Yeah, would you uh, would you mind showing me where the gold is formed friend you Uh, the end of the story is just the unfortunate man was russian Was russian

By the way, I'm poking even more holes because uh, there's an instagram account I follow in russia and they are living in harmony with bears more than anyone else I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but they got bears on picnics The bears are like eating hot dogs wrestling with them. They're break dancing They basically have bears in adidas tracksuits over in russia Well, isn't there isn't that the freight like remember the phrase or like the russian circus bear like the idea that if there's a bear Who could like ride a tricycle it was russian. Yeah, we're like on a little ball. Yeah, they I don't know what they're doing But they are just they somehow they just have bears number and they're like come over here. What's on the bears like?

Yes, son of a bitch. I miss the hell out of you Here's a good headline two dogs cause shooting a fray weird weird start for mrs. William taylor mrs. William taylor and miss ray ward have trouble that's There was a small shooting a fray on 5th avenue near kushman street yesterday between miss william taylor and miss ray ward Both of whom reside in that neighborhood And the trouble was caused over the ownership of two dogs that were then in miss taylor's possession

Okay, so the one lady was like you stole my dog. I think so like i'm gonna shoot you I think that's I think you just summed up the whole story as a matter of fact now It sounds like you're the person writing for this paper Yeah, no, no, no that wouldn't happen because they'd be like it's a little too clear at nail me We need a little more murky stuff to kind of fog up what happened Sorry two mammals stuck in room lady shoot Dog fight woman gone. There you go. And then we'll finish the story in three pages. Do you see how we do it over here? Uh, so

The dogs had been brought in from the creeks and turned over to miss taylor who took them home and placed them in One of the rooms of her cabin After which she sat down on the front porch and began to read the newspaper Okay, sounds gorgeous. She's reading the paper. She's livid. She's getting angry like me So that's how you get it. She's reading the paper and mad as hell She's just like i'm gonna I just want to keep the rage up So i'm gonna go to the porch and have a bunch of questions about the words i'm reading I love that the only time this newspaper gives a detail is when someone's reading the newspaper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, there's just like a selfish plug While there she noticed a woman coming towards the cabin and when the woman got closer she saw that it was mrs. Ward She claims that the ward woman wow, you know right now Now we have a villain because when you call some of the ward woman She claims that the ward woman made a dive for her gate and came on the porch and struck her Calling her names and claiming that the dogs which she had in her possession belonged to her Dogfight so someone must have seen taylor take the dogs. Yeah told Which she did yeah, yeah

And then she dove through the gate sure and then she don't we yeah, that's okay. It's a bit strange exactly She says she tried to keep the ward woman from entering her cabin and coaxing the dogs off But that she was pushed away and then she decided to go into the house and get her gun The woman on the porch did so essentially this one woman took her dogs and then she's like what are you doing relaxed? You can't go in there. That's my house and she's like give me my dogs back And then and then And then I guess the ward woman went in and the taylor woman whose house it was got her gun got a gun And by the time she got the gun and came out

It appears the ward woman had coaxed the dogs outside the gate and was about to make off with them her dogs I think well that's the question right because obviously Yeah, the first of all the ward woman makes her entire existence sound suspect So they're leaving us to believe that like the ward woman says these are her dogs But we don't believe that the taylor woman said these are my dogs because you know you always keep Keep your dogs in one room of your cabin. Yeah, you have the dog room. I know we all have the dog room You lock him up in the dog room. This is the master dog

Uh, so ward this is a ward she soon put a Stopped to that by oh no taylor. She soon put a stop to that by hitting the ward woman over the head with the butt of the revolver Whoa, so the ward woman is making off with the dogs. She runs up behind her and hits her on the head right She says that the second time she hit the woman the revolver went off and this had the effect of driving her away Well, also you hitting her on the head. I would say there were two things Oh my god gunfire I'm out of here

I'm bludgeoning I'd hang out for but that's a very Is it a race? It was just I was hitting some of my head with my gun and it went off The taylor woman then went to police headquarters to report the affair and she claims that while gone The police chief went to her cabin and got both the revolver and the dogs and gave the dogs to the ward woman Who had a company in there? So she stole the fucking dogs the lady comes back to get her dogs The woman takes her dogs then this the dog thief who is not being called the ward woman The dog thief is the bad person She then hits her on the head shoots the gun and the ward woman goes take the fucking dogs goes to the cops

And then she goes to the cops too. She carons herself over to the cops You're not gonna believe what this lady's head did to my gun Parents. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is Karen town. This is telling two parents You know white women are possessive of dogs. You can't just be like, you know what I mean? Don't be fucking with a white woman's dog because she will come for you. She will come for you And and this is our new tv show and it's called Karen town But also i'm gonna tell you this is the most detailed story of the entire newspaper. Yeah. Yeah, this is the only story We got quotes. We got the end result of the actions. What? This is the end of the paper. This is at the end

It's like it's the first paper they ever wrote. They're like, you know what? I think as we go through this what really helps are Details of beginning of middle and an end seem really be enjoyable in this format. Am I crazy? Uh, so right so he goes back to the house The cops gets the lady's guns because she couldn't she shouldn't have them and also takes the dogs And gives her to miss ward who goes to the house with him Uh upon returning to her cabinet learning of this she returned so she now she goes back to her house finds out the dogs Gone and the guns are gone upon returning to her cabinet and learning of this She goes back to police headquarters and after telling her story to several deputies and the district attorney

She could succeed in getting the two dogs back the ward woman. However is press charges against her. There is no resolution I don't know what's happening here's something I'm not Dave you know I back the blue all the time, but What are the cops doing? The cops are just like everybody's innocent and guilty All right, you want the dog she asked last you mind if we give her the you each get we're gonna kick Solomon these canines

If that's cool with everybody You know what I mean like yeah, the mrs. Ward she talked to Gerald and Gerald was like let's get your dogs Okay, the miss Taylor she talked to Jefferson and Jefferson was like let's get your dogs and so it's like whatever you find It's going to be the person who's like, you know a girl. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Just insanity All right, why don't you do one last one? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Bride kidnapped by her mother Oh, wow. Okay. I'm in

Yeah, this is out of Chicago When dr. Fitzgerald of San Francisco arrived here today to marry ethyl Ludwig He found that the girl's mother had kidnapped her The mother had induced the girl to the To accompany her in an automobile the night before and had fled from the city to parts unknown Miss miss Ludwig is a graduate of stanford and the doctor became acquainted with her there He declares that he will follow up the party and will retake the girl by force Oh, Jesus christ. Jeez, but we don't know why the mother kidnapped her

No, we got to find her for His attitude I will take her by force. She if my possession They got this bride is getting dogged She's very in the middle. I feel so bad for her. It's like everyone wants to take her and she's like I just want to hang out in my house. I have a college degree. Can I go get a job? You're mine You're mine

No, she's mine Wow, wow, I didn't expect a love story. This is gorge. This was gorge. This was tumultuous. It was confusing It was unhinged. Yeah. Yeah, it's just there's been very little closure It almost feels like a I would imagine it's what it's like if you're chloroformed and open a paper and you're just like I'm not able to really perceive or process what I'm reading, but there's a lot of words that are familiar What do you think the application process is for writing for the paper? Are you drunk get in here start typing I went outside you want to know what I saw and then it's just like I only saw the beginning of everything

Don't get too far into what you saw. Just remember you went outside now. Have some rum Start typing my man. Welcome to the world of the fairfield paper Uh, what a nightmare. Well, Naomi, thank you for joining us again for being our our first two-timer That was so fun. You guys keep me young and you keep me uninformed and I just thank you for that Well, you're very it's you're very welcome. It's I do a lot of the research for these things and um your podcast couples couples therapy Uh, fantastic listen fantastic podcast to do too. I know I said that before but it is a very I think it like there's so many podcasts where you're just like, okay, this isn't you're very

You know, you're in control. It's where you labeled me a fuckboy and probably once a week someone on twitter's like shut up the fuckboy I do go hard. Okay. We Yeah, your relationship questions. I also judge my guests very harshly. Yes. I said, Dave, you're cold. You're terrifying Gareth, you're a fuckboy and that's just how you start the conversation you guys and then you go from there You go from there. That's right. Drop the bomb count the limbs later. That's uh, that's the move Uh, well, thank you and you're also like doing a ton of other shit. I mean you are really you're all over the place So well, you can watch mythic quest on apple tv. That's always a good time

There we go. You know, I try to leave the house to do stand up, but y'all I really like being in my house And you know, just hanging out. Well, you could go you're on uh, what's the netflix one that you're on? You have the stand up the stand up you're on there and a great a great set a great experience if you can't see you in person Oh, that's my time with david letterman. That's a little five minutes set in an interview I got to touch david letterman's beard. So you'll want to see that too Wow What was it like? Cotton candy

Yeah, this is a lot of tastic No, he's married You can taste a man's beard. It's got nothing to do with it. It's not sexual Oh If you are experiencing symptoms of a rectile dysfunction or ed don't worry, you're not alone 52 of canadian men between 40 and 70 suffer from ed To get more information sign up at ed info.ca That's e for a rectile d for dysfunction info.ca then talk to your doctor because you are not alone when dealing with ed