The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 25 - The Past Times with Naomi Epkerigin
Episode Date: May 5, 2023This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and the return of Australian stand-up, writer, and actor Naomi Ekperigin. New episodes of The Past ...Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch
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All right everybody welcome to the pastimes podcast
Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony
I'm Garrett Reynolds, and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week Naomi egg Paragon. Hello Naomi
Hello y'all for the listener. It took us a journey to get here. Okay. We're popping off
Your girl's computer can't handle Riverside David
Yes, I want to put makeup on my face and I said no David. This is my face and that's how we started
Oh, this is quite a curtain peel back a lot. I mean it feels like we've already done it and yeah, Dave
I came in are you camera ready?
Since you are first of all you're the first repeat guest we've had and on so that should be yeah, you should be one
No, this is this is big. I know you're doing a lot of other stuff, but congratulations
But you're the second guest on a podcast. This is much bigger than anything else. You're doing no
No, this is huge and then you know this is my stepping stone to being with you live
Because when y'all do your live episodes, you need a strong black woman sometimes to just kind of you
A lot of people say I'm the strong black woman at the light
And the people who say that are mostly Gareth
Yeah, and and they do not stop saying it sometimes No, that would be great
But again, we would there would be travel involved and there's the slippery slope. We keep talking about
Naomi you have a great podcast Dave and I have been on your podcast called couples therapy that you do with Andy your
Your man your your
Husband-in-waiting is that?
Yes, indeed. Yes indeed wedding coming up soon March 11th, is it 2023. Wow
Wow, are you planning a spreader? Are you planning a spreader event for that?
You know really trying to it's gonna be outside
So that is kind of the big plan to avoid becoming a super spreader because my nightmares people being like oh really good chicken
I almost died there. You know what I mean? So I'm really trying to make it like so it's all outdoor and
Hopefully that will be you know, that'll help us stave that off and then we're gonna have like
HEPA filters inside because you have to go inside to use the restroom
So we're gonna have those like in the in the nice space. Well done. Thank you. Is it well somebody likes to read?
is
Is it okay if we've not been invited?
But if Dave and I can figure out where it is. Are we allowed to show up show up?
You know what? I'll say anybody can come to the cocktail hour
You can come have yourself some dumplings have a drink
But you got to get it you got to get out when the plated meal starts, okay?
Naomi the games of foot
If we can get in the cocktail hour and take out two guests
Can we then take their place at the meal? Well, that's a musical chair situation if you're already sitting
I'll allow it. Who am I to say okay?
I shouldn't be sitting there. We're gonna beat them up. We're gonna beat them up and take their outfits like a cartoon
Now we'd like to have a guess as to what year we might be dealing with
Naomi, I'll guess that we're dealing with I think he's gonna give us something more recent. I'm gonna guess
1940 oh my god, that's interesting because when I was here the last time again, I am a repeat guest
I like to just first repeat God first. Yeah, everyone. You're welcome
We were like in the 70s if I remember correctly
So I was also thinking like maybe 40s very fraught time
But I thought maybe the 1940s would be like juicy
Okay, so let's say we'll both we're both going we're both hitching our wagons to the 40s David
You're both wrong. Yeah, man. Too strong. Black women. I
1907
That's good. That's not that's a good year July 21st in Fairbanks, Alaska
You thought Alaska was boring now
Let's see on page one a lot of ads but
Persistent wife keeps after hubby
Mrs. R
Hebble wait poured gasoline over the clothes of her drunken husband and
Because he would not talk back to her she set them on fire
Wait, are we talking Alaskan waiting to exhale?
This sober him up very quickly and he ran to the neighbors and the fire was put out and the man was taken to the hospital
Is he still wearing them he was he was in the clothes they I would have said that from the if I was writing this
Myself I would have been like she said him on fire
Article just wants us to think it was just the clothes
By the lawyers like all she did was burn an outfit
Your honor this is ridiculous
It's also beautifully Fox News because she's described as being persistent
Real go get her this woman won't quit she won't
Just she would take no
She's freezing she's simply looking for a heat source
Ladies a gentleman of the cold jury
Um, so there's only one sentence left he will recover and now the wife wants him arrested for drunkenness
Okay, okay wait. No. No. No miss Hebble wait. You cannot turn the tables in that manner
You cannot light somebody on fire and then say see see he was drunk
You see what she did you know what actually I check as I'm saying it I changed my mind. She's a bad bitch
I'm obsessed with her setting him on fire and then trying to get him arrested
I'm gonna get him arrested
And then trying to get him arrested I and I mean one could argue the combustibility is raised by the alcohol level of the man
This is all very this is legal. This is fine
It's not a great marriage
I just I think it needs work. I think they need some counseling
I don't because because I just say that because she said I'm on because she let him on fire
No, right. She let him on clothes. She lit clothes on fire that he happened to be in at the time of the lighting
She burned an outfit you asshole. Oh my god, Ralph
I have no idea your neighbor comes over to your house and he's on fire
And didn't it say that he ran to the neighbors? Yes, he ran to the neighbors
So he on fire runs to the neighbors gives a knock and they're like Ralph. What's up?
He's like, yeah, there's lots there. Can you put me out? They're like roll in the snow. What are you doing? Oh?
God
Just setting each other on fire all the time
Listen to me and they just said each other in fire. Oh the look of the twins
I
Fired out American boat
The steamer San Jose of the Pacific Coast Steamship Company just reached port from her regular
South American trip
She underwent an experience quite out of the ordinary and one which her officers crew and passengers will long remember
This is much better set up than the last one
Yeah, so far this is it's very straightforward. Yeah when entering when entering the harbor at I can't read it
Action action. I can't really read it sure Salvador so in in El Salvador. I assume they're just calling it Salvador
Early early on the morning of July 7th. She was fired upon from the fort guarding the harbor
The firing was stopped by the captain running a white sheet to the mast head
So the they gave up right, but we said they surrendered
I'm not into this passive voice. They were fired upon the firing who fired at the boat
Okay, that's interesting an investigation
Proved that the ship was mistaken for a Nicaraguan gunboat
No one was injured and the officers of the fort were profuse in their apologies
Well, that's nice. It's nice to offer a mea culpa
I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. Wait a minute. You're from El Salvador. Okay. I thought you're a Nicaraguan
Rockwoods
So sorry
But we have for it. We got cannons. So we're like, what are we doing here? Let's let's use some shit. That's uh
Oh, there's a there is a water famine in Seattle
water famine
Also knows also knows a drought, but should we call it a water famine? I'm sorry man. I have a sip
I'm experiencing water famine
Yeah, it's it's July it's July 20th, so it's a summertime so
And they and they're not they're probably not great at capturing water at this point, you know
They probably don't have reservoirs. I feel like in 1907. That's all you can do is capture water
Do you know what I mean? Like there are no other activities. They're no other skills. You just like capture water
This is I think they were just like, well, we have a lake. Let's just use the lake. That's probably what they were doing
Okay, fair. Fair. I like the historian of the group. You're the historian of the group, but well, no, let's say this
All the Seattle experts on water feel free not to tell me what the actual situation
Well, what'll be great is that this will be released in six months and we will not
Remember what we talked about and someone will be like Seattle is capturing water at low levels of the earth and we'll be like
What are sorry? What are you guys? What's going on? There was one we did
I do not click like when people do that when they like come back with a receipt. I'll be like honey
I can't even acknowledge this. I know you're just like I am I am at the grocery store
I don't know what the fuck you are talking about right now
So this is a pretty classic I think this is a pretty
Fairbanksy tiny story. The headline is leaves for outside
I was gonna say up until this one there were this is actual news
They I was gonna commend them for actually kind of having like news stories in the paper
But then before I think about someone going outside
I think all the other the other ones are from other places now. This is a local Fairbank story. Okay, so we're finally
Okay, Oscar Oscar Oscar Nelson the former partner of Gus Peterson on
Numbers seven and eight above Fairbanks Creek has left for the outside for an extended trip
Okay, wait, wait, is this a gay couple and you're telling me the news is one person went outside
You're telling me I think it's their way of saying maybe like the outback like that the country like I think he's going
Out into the forest. I don't buy it because I'm gonna tell you 1907 Alaska
It's all forest. Okay, the bathroom is forest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the the grocery store is forest
You know what I mean? You get burned for that's true. Yeah. All right, so he's just going outside
How do you report news unless you're going outside to get it?
Which would then itself be you are making news by acquiring news
Am I the only one who got stoned before this? I think you opened no, no, no, I'm with you because if going outside his news
Everyone is news. Okay. Anybody who yeah, and any and any reporter would have to get like unless this guy like came to his door
I was like I went outside. He was like, holy shit. Come in here. This is crazy
What do you see out there kid? How do we get this to the editor? I don't know
I've been writing a paper in here for nine years alone
This is from the Times News Service
Headline gossip of women starts murder theory
Okay
First true crime podcast first true crime podcast go on this happened in Illinois
It was reported yesterday that proof would be forthcoming to show that the wife of banker McGill had been chloroformed
Jesus Christ. That's not your headline
Women be chatty
chloroform
Women in their gossip am I right wasn't your wife quote. Yeah, she's she's passed out from rag mouth
The latter with his second wife and daughter oh they had to throw and he's been married before is twice married son of a bitch
The latter with his second wife and daughter have been in hourly fear
Because the indignation because of the indignation expressed by citizens
But the promise proof was not forthcoming today and the banker and his alleged accomplice are to be released
Oh, so they arrested him believing that he had
chloroformed
The wife of someone else
Confusing I thought it was on wife. You see what I'm saying anybody can write night to know seven
They said you would this is bad writing paper because it's nobody making any sense
The first person said she let clothes on fire and the clothes was had a person on them
and that is what it's saying
Because of the proof of the chloroform gossiping women therefore he has been released and it's like is that even grammar I
Bet the reporters like what do you mean and then he got chloroformed? I?
Don't know
Okay, so banker McGill right is said to have chloroformed his wife and dog
Maybe not daughter, but his wife
He says and what did you do to mom look? I'm sorry Sally. This is just I'm gonna chloroform everyone who asks questions about the chloroformings
I'm trying to watch the game. You know the chloroform comes out when I want. I want to why are your daughter and wife chloroform?
Come here Andrew. Jesus Christ. Hey, what happened to Andrew? Oh John gonna get a little more on the rag here
Honey, I was gonna see what you all want. Oh my god. Oh god. Damn it mom
Just drop
But now it says okay
So but the promised proof was not forthcoming today and the banker and his alleged
Accomplices are to be released so there were other people involved in this right this story is assuming that everybody knows what's happened
And nobody knows what's happened because it's been picked up in a Fairbanks paper
So no one knows the backstory, but this paper is like everybody knows about banker McGill right in Illinois very far from Fairbanks
But now where does the gossip come in?
So there is no
There is no evidence to show that they committed the alleged murder
It is now claimed that the murder theory started from the gossip of women
So a mere chloroforming
An act of revelry and just like fun and jokes a big goof to most of us
It's the women get a hold of this they start gabbing away and all of a sudden it's a murder when it's really just a rag-coma
Okay, is that right
And because the wife it said the wife is in fear of the citizens
So the wife had not been chloroformed
But the rumor had started that chloroformed ha chloroforming has been done who was in fear of the citizens like I thought
This wife is dead husband and she's not dead
She's not dead. She's scared because the rumor is is that she is dead, but she's not dead
And her and her that her husband did it and she's like guys
I'm here and they're like quiet by it quiet Andrea. We're trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you
This is not news this is a fever dream. This is a fever dream of somebody. This is not well
This is what happens when you get chloroformed and someone's like what happened. You're like well
so I died and
Nicknames of the pugilists
Many of the little boxers take your hat off
Just the disorganization of papers the headlines. No, it's it's it's really there's no
We're still not at the and we're still not at the place in in newspapers yet
Where they're like big news on the first page and then we'll do lesser news and sports
We're still at the point where they're like, let's just put something here
It was just like you took a handful of like headline magnets and then just threw it at the fridge
And you're like there it is. That's the order
Many of the leading boxers of the country who are who use assumed names in the prize ring would hardly be known by their family names
For instance, many people are not aware that the Philadelphia Jack O'Brien was christened Joseph Francis Anthony Hagan
Here with our son
No, but his box name is Jack O'Brien. Okay, his real name is much longer. Yes
Yeah, no, you don't want to be like Muhammad Ali
fighting Joseph Francis Anthony Hagan
Here with are some of the rings titles of the famous fighters past and present. Oh, okay
So he just listing names. Yeah, they just fill in space. They just fill in space
That was not this is just like fun fact. Yeah, pop up video
John L. His real name is John L. Sullivan
How is that?
You're not gonna believe
Man, they just got rid of us all of it. I'm sorry. You've lost me. How did they do it?
John the next one is
The next one is Fitz whose real name is Robert J. Fitzsimons
All right nicknames. Okay. I'm getting how nicknames work keep the first one. It was great
Australian Billy Murphy is actually Thomas William Murphy
Okay, so his middle name. Oh
Here's a good one. I bet
Isaac O'Neill Weir is known as the Belfast spider
Wait now special now. We're talking and that is a great. That's a great one
He's got eight hands
Belfast spider. Oh
William Meyer is the Streeter cyclone the
Cyclone yeah, I think that's what does the street cleaner. Oh street boy
Get out of the way. Oh, I've got all the trash
Don't park there from 9 to 11 or you'll get a ticket from the street cyclone
John Griffin is brain tree lad. Hello, I'm out of this corner
Brain tree lad. That's a bad one. I'll say that is very bad. I'm afraid to just say that's a very bad
He's gonna brain tree a kid
I
Let's see a couple more
Amos Smith is mysterious Billy Smith mysterious mysterious is the worst mysterious is the worst boxing nickname ever
We have no details this man just walked into the ring
He's where the hell is he he's not even here this guy just keeps you guess
There's also Frank Craig is the Harlem coffee cooler
That's right. It's coffee cooler
Yeah, it's coffee something Harlem was known for in 1907. It's always got a cool that coffee
Cool it off. He'll take all the hot coffee and he'll cool it down. That's how good of a fighter. He is that's already punches
The it makes no sense. Oh, it makes absolutely no sense the Harlem coffee. Yeah, I hope you like that cold
Jesus, dude, you're crazy. Yeah, I
Got brain tree
Got for the brain tree lad
Those are the best ones. There's not really
Go on
It goes on it goes into another section. It's like just a giant list of nicknames
Most of them are like turning the page and like that was ridiculous Jesus Christ
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Oh, I know you're excited to listen to this episode. So am I hey everybody. It's Gareth half of this podcast
It's gonna be a good time
But before you get to it
I wanted to give you some stand updates where I'll be on the road
You can come join me be part of the garmy the Gareth army you guys call yourselves that it's nothing to do with me
But come on out and join me. I will be in Austin, Texas May 12th and 13th. I will be in Phoenix, Arizona
May 18th. I will be in
Birmingham, Alabama July 9th. I will be in Nashville July 10th. I will be in New Jersey
New Brunswick July 11th. I will be in New York City July 12th at the New York Comedy Club
Then I'll be in Stanford, Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club July 13th July 14th. I'll be in Pottstown, Pennsylvania
I'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for the DVE Comedy Fest July 15th. I will be in Syracuse, New York July 16th
I will be in Buffalo, New York July 18th, New York
I hope you're not sick of me because I'll be in Albany, New York July 19th
Then July 20th 21st 22nd
I will be in Burlington, Vermont at the Vermont Comedy Club go to Gareth Reynolds comm for ticket information
Be part of the Garmie and you might notice I didn't say Huntsville, Alabama July 7th and July 8th. Those dates are getting moved
Sorry, Garmie. So go to Gareth Reynolds comm get yourself some tickets. Let's party
We're not prosecute man who used axe to horse
Okay, again, you know a headline should both clarify and grab one's attention
And what I feel is happening here is they can't decide which one they want to do
They don't want to think you're right there. You want to grab your attention or they want to tell you what's going on
Yep, axe to horse again. There's a passivity to it. There's a lack of clarity like what do you mean the accident?
Somebody tried to chop their horses head off. No, no, no, no, no
An axe went to a horse
Took itself to the horse. It's an accident.
Horses, yep, naturally, but wait, no charges, right? They're saying no charges. You can just ask well
J. Peter the owner of the poor horse which was which was chopped in the thigh the other day
Says that he will not
Says he will not prosecute the miserable wretch who perpetrated the deed as he believes the publicity given to the event
Will in this case be enough to scare the man and any others that would want to do a like deed
So
So a man hit a horse with an axe in the thigh, right? Yes
And everybody was so mad at him and he has such a shit reputation now that the guy who owns the horse is like
That's enough
And and he's like nobody else is gonna do this
Because now all the Fairbanks is like Jim is shit. This is a Fairbank story then
This is a hundred percent a fair big story. Don't you think in order to put an axe into a horse's thigh?
You'd have to go outside
Haven't we just kind of blown the lid off the excitement of a man going outside?
This is this is a twofer well this guy not only went outside
He took an axe to a horse thigh like it was a tree trunk like that's what's wild about it
He like hit the horse like it was very much a tree
Which leads me to think that maybe he was drunk and should have been set on fire
See they get drunk in Fairbanks. They need to just be set on fire to stop them
Which also leads to the point of the guy who got set on fire
He was outside and he had to go to another person's house who had to go outside to find him
I'm just gonna continue to poke holes in the newsworthiness of that story about the person who went outside
This is why it's filler live in the past because he's a
No, we're I can't live in the present, but yeah, he's enough
Yeah
You're all outside
In speaking on the matter Jay Peter said while all the circumstances that surround the case point strongly to the party
Who was guilty of injuring my horse and a little girl actually saw the act committed?
Oh, I feel that the poor fellow has already received all the punishment that I care to give him
Oh into the publicity given to the fiendish deed when it was committed. I will not prosecute him
I know he will not do it again. The horse's wound is already healing
Some and owing to the cut being
Lengthwise in the thigh. I hope he will be well again in a few weeks
Okay, now I'm about to blow a whistle
You're saying he's gotten so much attention. He'll never do it again
David Anthony
Where is the man's name listed in this story? I
I'm thinking they don't I'm thinking that they
It's like a don't give him any more attention this guy or he'll keep doing it bad reporting
How you gonna tell me that everybody knows is him and now he's gonna be ashamed you won't even put his name in the paper
Again, we're in Fairbanks where they're like I we don't have to give the full story because everybody already knows that this is shit
Jim
Yeah, just shit Jim because it's very vague because we know the name of the horse owner, but not the name of the man
He's I won't say anything about the perpetrator. It's like what is the perpetrator's name? I need to know
You can I do believe that Naomi has won the article
I think that
Has been decided that you can't be like look he's been ashamed. It's like who the fuck is he enough?
Nobody knows who it was. Yeah, I mean he's synonymous with horse-axing now
Who is he? Oh, come on. Let him be
Oh
This is a follow-up
This is hilarious. No to a different story
Vancouver man the Vancouver this is on another some page four and the where did the fire story happen page one?
Well, yeah, it's like the starter first page. That's how you drop the amuse. Yeah, the amuse-bouche. Yeah
So now we have another comment on it the Vancouver man whose wife poured gasoline on him and set it a fire
And when he finally escaped cremation wanted him arrested for drunkenness and had better plead guilty and pay his fine
He is up against two strenuous a game
Okay, so they're saying put him in jail
Yeah, they're saying
He I thought they're saying he needs to plead guilty because so because his foe is too strong like
Don't don't take on this lady anymore. This wife lady yours. Just give in give up the fight
What did wouldn't this just work it has like the end of the original story? Absolutely
Absolutely. Well, it's quite an inner measure. Why is it all it's just it's literally just a tiny little paragraph
In the middle of the page exactly so who the fuck was just like all right. Look this month's papers almost done
It has a scrapbooking element to it. Yeah, I have a little open square
What should I put here and then it's like move this a grandma is just kind of going through Day-Coupage headlines
And you're like grandma. This is just kind of crazy
And then they told him that he should be careful
Like a glue stick in a dream, but it's like
Ask to horse leave him alone
It's like
Yeah
This comes out of Portland
George DeMars an artist painter was killed near here by an 11 year old boy
Wow
Holy shit
What?
Oh
By Jackson Reed yesterday, so they live in 11 year old boys named Jackson Reed
Put an axe in a horse. Come on. Leave it. Let him live. There's 11 year old like this little Jackson Reed shit
DeMars was on a fishing trip and was following the stream across the grounds of the Reed farm this anger of the young
Reed boy Reed boy who procured a gun and shot DeMars killing him instantly Jesus
That's bad parenting
I'm gonna get good parenting. I'm on coming from the other side. I like the parenting. Yeah, you think this is good
I think this is a really bad parenting. I mean this guy was fishing look at it this way
First of all, he's stealing your fish second of all
That's not fish it's a stream shut up asshole. Second of all if the dad if the dad shoots him
You're talking there's gonna be some legal action. You get the 11 year old. I didn't know no better
Yeah, yeah, no no because you know at 1907 11 is really 35
So I feel like you could definitely put that 11 year old in jail
For the rest of his life nine years
Exactly exactly
This is a story that they put in there and and you're like
How did you not go further on this like this is
That's it. That's the whole that's the whole story
Well, to be fair in two pages. We might get our conclusion. I was gonna say
Two more sentences. Tell me if he's already escaped prison. Yeah. Yeah now. He's third now the 13 year old boy
and what?
Now 25 and married four years every paper is written
Um, this is from new york, uh, Daniel W. Baker U. S. Attorney in the department of justice at washington
Together with his bride and narrowly escaped death today when an auto automobile in which they were riding plunged over the edge of a hundred foot
Precipice my holy shit when they lived the machine landed upright and the party escaped with that serious injury
So is like a cartoon
Exactly
That they didn't they literally did a wily coyote
Wow, do we have a quote from them? Do we have a quote from one of the lovers? We have nothing. That's the end of the story
You know, I just I'm very upset by the fairbanks local
I really wish they would give me information because also don't you imagine the 1907 car
is like
Made of like scrap metal like i'm surprised that it even could withstand the impact of a precipice
Well, this is when they made cars with parachutes
so
It is very animated
Yeah, yeah, you would imagine some of you like what was that like but instead people like we've got the story
Done they lived we're done here. They're done another. Uh, here's another story. This one seems local. I think
Hair-raising trip in the automobile
Old timer tells about the voyage to fox city last night
You cannot follow a fucking story about people going in a car over a bridge landing upright with a guy went downtown in a car
What is fox city is it a city of foxes?
I think back then you just named a city like because there's the frontier
So yeah, you just saw something when you saw something and you're like there's foxes here. Oh shit fox city
You know downtown
I'm from brown deer, wisconsin and one time this guy was like, you know, I would got its name and I was like
I don't think I do actually I always thought it was just because there was a bunch of brown deer and he's like
So you do know
Oh, okay. Yeah, okay
Does anyone want to does anyone want to take a makeup break or anything anybody need to
You know, I could touch up, I could touch up my cheekbones. That's what you mentioned it David. You, you are such a dirtbag
He's a messy bitch who lives for drama. That's what we is
That's what I've always said about David
We've got a new twitter handle
Uh, she really is
Dave lobby chaperon to party of seven out to fox gulch in his new automobile at three o'clock this morning
Okay, so there's ship face. Okay. Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, some of that alaskas
He made he made the round trip in 80 minutes traveling time one old timer who was a guest tells about it
All right. Is is there a quote coming? Oh, okay. He says they were gonna see you later
He says the bloomin thing is 10 feet long and
And could make 50 feet in a jump
A car he's describing a car
He's saying cars can jump 50 feet
He it's a 10 foot long car that could jump 50 feet. That's correct. Yep. So that's exactly what old person would say
Well, he doesn't know measurements. He's just nobody's ever been like this is a foot. He's like this thing's 10 feet
It could probably jump 50 feet
1907 and he's in a car like and he's drunk, right? So they've asked him this question at 4 30 in the morning
He's wasted like he's just like it was it's one of those
We it's one of those bar it's a dash cam video of him like kind of wobbling as the cops like all right
So, uh, what do you explain? Where's his attempt for car could just jump a hundred feet?
All right. Can you do the alphabet backwards?
I somebody who's gone foxes about a hundred feet the car is jumping
Whoo
It would hit a raise in the road
So they didn't even know what to call bumps at this point. They're so roads are so new. They're like, is it a raise?
What do we call it?
Uh, it would hit a raise in the road fly up jump up and forward 60 or 80 feet hit bottom and bounce
He said he was
I mean honestly
Come on. Does it have axe be written on the side?
He said he was sure they struck bedrock 20 times
He said he crossed the Tanana when the ice was going out to mushing and had to run up against many inconveniences
But he had to ask to get out and walk back when they had covered about three miles of the return trip at a rate of 50 miles an hour
I literally have no idea what's happening. He's why would you ever ask a drunk person for a quote?
Nothing they're saying is makes any sense
It's about 40 feet mush. Okay. He's like and then I hit some mush and I went up in the road and we hit bedrock
And I said get let me out. I'm walking. Let me out
I shone at the avenue cut the floor out and did it with my feet
Whoo mushy ground
I this next sentence
He said colonel mccray was the chiffon ear
Who's colonel mccray another Fairbanks local we don't know
a chiffon ear and
Well, I think he's really hammered because chiffon ear in English means, uh, a chest of drawers
So it's just kind of like Beauty and the Beast or he's like that's a candlestick. Tell me I gotta marry this dog man
The beast is a dog man, gareth. Yeah
Yeah
Well, what is he?
Is he mixing up that word with something? Is there another word that he could be mixing up?
That's what he's trying to say. That's what I thought. Do you think he's
Yeah, okay. Sounds like a magician chauffeur
He spelled it and it's in quotes. So they're probably making fun of them. Right, right because it's c-h-i-f-f-o-n-e-e-r
So he's trying to say show for and they're and they're saying and he maybe he's has an accent
Well, he's drunk so we all get an accident when we're drunk and he just had his first car ride
Okay, that's all at play here this thing went 10 feet 10 feet big it could jump 50 feet into bedrock and make
Mush and this is my chauffeur the driver
He could die happy this man has just been on a six flags roller coaster. Do you know what I mean?
Like that's what that was for him at that
Let's go to the rest of his life. How are you grandpa? Hey, I had this car
This automobile was 10 feet if it was a foot
Okay, grandpa. I'm gonna leave your porridge here. Okay, and then they
Should be here again. The porridge reminds me of the mush. That was after the bedrock
We then the car sprouted wings and we flew to the sun and met Icarus
I'm gonna unplug you now. Okay. All right. Goodbye. You know where I'll be
I'll just be thinking of my life inside that 10 foot car
Uh
This is a story out of Chicago fire hose is used to disperse a mob
The police succeeded
Sounds racial. I'm concerned
Well, it's also you appreciate what it was like. Oh, this was this was before people just hose everybody
Yeah, this is like this might be the first time they did it. We're like check this out
Look how it works. By the way, you take the guy from the first article put him in this mob
We've got a solution. We've got a solution. Yeah
The police
succeeded finally in dispersing the mob which had gathered in the street on the west side for the purpose of seeing
Some manifestation in the haunted house. Okay, so it's it's actually you're actually wrong. It's not black
It's not a it's not a racial thing. It's it's crazy white people wait. Well, they had gathered to see
A haunted house. They want to see a ghost. Yeah, they want to see a ghost but they're outside of house
They've come to see a ghost and they're crowded out front
They're hoping it's going to poke its head out the window or something and it's so bad
And they're like you guys got to get out of here. It's not on it show us the ghost
And then they they were like look just hose them hose these people hose them down
Okay, I have a question now
You know as the person reading the microfiche because I do imagine it's microfiche Dave
Is it just like all?
Is it local and
um
Yeah, all of it. It's just mixed in it's like just toggling news news. There's no like local page. Okay. There is
some papers will have like a
International page international news and and those papers usually suck because it's all like what the queen do in portugal
And it's boring actually sounds quite interesting to some of us
But then there's papers that just cover a lot of local stuff or like stuff around the united states
Yeah, okay, so it's all just a hodgepodge and you just got to kind of figure out where you're at in any given
Total total hodgepodge
Um only by application of the fire hose could the
The could the clean the streets could they clean the streets probably
The officials claim to have solved the mystery of the haunted house
They say that it was only a practical joke and that the success of the joke exceeded the expectations of the perpetrators
And um, I believe that's the end of the story
Oh wait, the perpetrators what was that haunting? There's no further to it
This paper infuriates
As you have ever write to me. I've never been angry. Could you imagine if I lived in Alaska in 1907 not only would I be
Probably a witch by their estimation, but I would be angry every day
Yeah, this is like this is like you you're hearing a story from like your grandmother and you're like
Okay, no go. Who who's the person? It's a kid. It's a kid telling you it's Sally. You know Sally
No, it's toddler. Yeah, totally. I was like, but then the guys wasn't just a guy so they used the hose
I'm wait on who? Yeah, then the ghost was gone. There was the police
So what was the police where?
Yeah, because the guy was on fire the car was 10 feet
The car went 50 feet in 10 feet
Yeah, 15 10, but the other car fell 100 feet and then they were okay
And then she let the clothes on fire and then he had to go outside
Yeah, it was outside. Were there clothes everybody's outside?
Oh my lord
Livid this is why they didn't let women read because if women read they would have been mad as hell
There goes the gossiping the gossiping again the gossiping starts and then someone maybe got chloroformed or not
Shut up muriel. We're talking about how you're dead. So he killed her. I'm telling you right now
I'm right here. No, you're not
I'm alive
Oh, I think I think I went
Oh, I think I went to the next page. I think that was the end of the paper. I went to the next page
Okay, so we're on to the next uh
It's obvious. I literally thought you just jumped into a new taper on accident and it wouldn't it wouldn't even matter
Yeah, it doesn't matter
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Woman is experimenting with gasless machine
Oh my lord. I have my name. She wants I want a husband that does not fart constantly
She's building a robot. Yeah
uh
august
First in new york an aeroplane a flying machine without a gas bag
Okay, without a gas bag
Explaining what an airplane is
Wait, what is this? It's a flying machine without a gas bag. They're describing a not a not balloon is what they're doing
Uh is making exhibition flights you today
It is the invention of miss e tod who was formerly a stenographer in the patent office at washington
And are they making is there
So they're a woman who's invented a a gas bag less flying machine
Who just happened to work in the patent office? Are they insinuating something here?
Are they saying that that she stole or took ideas from the
Well, she knew she knew what she could do. Do you know what I'm seeing a hole in the market?
I can get a buddy out of this that would be a great griff though if you worked in the patent office
You're like, this is genius. Let's tell them we already have one of these. Yeah, someone already got one of those. It was me
Sorry
Yeah, and someone did your idea too. It was also me
Denied because I got it started the paperwork yesterday, but crazy
And Naomi you're not gonna believe this Naomi, but that's the end of the story
I feel dumber having read the paper. I don't know nothing about nothing. I know nothing
I know less. I have more questions. I'm more confused than when we began
Yeah
You need to write a response paper
Put it in five
The new edition of what the fuck is out. Yeah, there's like a little it's like one of those things they put inside of the paper
Like this is the thing that'll help you read the paper
The paper's obviously bad shit crazy
It would just be me doing follow-ups. It would just be like, okay
Do you want to know what happened? Go to page seven and then like I tracked down the 11 year old boy and I go
So, so why did you shoot him and what with the repercussions?
I'm looking for what we call a story
You can just find out who how and why okay, you shot him one time dead. Are you chilling?
Are you in jail? Are you married? Okay? Okay?
Next up your husband
Okay, your wife said you need to go to jail for being drunk. Did you go?
No, will you go? We're reading this is the follow-up times the paper that makes sense of the paper
This headline deadly bullets of paper
What the fuck bullets of paper or tallow produce far greater damage than metal ones when used for short distance firing
Dave look, okay
Come on. No. No is the answer, right? No. No is absolutely the answer. No is
Just wanted to make sure I wasn't going out on a limb
It was recently found on trial that whereas a metal bullet penetrated a
Deal plank one inch thick and left a neat hole a paper bullet broke the plank
A paper bullet passing through six pieces of tin placed one foot apart buckled them up and made them useless
Whereas a metal bullet and where does the story go? Where is a metal bullet? That's it? That's a good question
Where is a metal bullet? Oh here it is merely left a small round hole
Wait, is that dead?
Yeah, I had to go up to the next page and that's all it was
It just says left a small round hole
Just over
Continued on page 10
No Frank. We don't have different fonts. Yeah, we do
Wait a minute
It was found that this happened. Yeah, who found it. Why'd they find it? I'm afraid to what end?
I'm afraid. I bet you there's bad news Naomi. I bet you
You was someone shot with a paper bullet. That's again
No, they were just testing they were testing him out and their idea is that since a paper bullet breaks
Breaks the board. Yep. Yep that it's that it's better than the bullet that goes into the board
Meaning they don't know what the fuck a bullet is
Why are they doing this Dave?
I don't understand
Well, you want me to read the next thing because you're gonna you're probably just gonna leave
It explains why humans lack reading comprehension even now. Yeah, do you know what I mean?
Because it's like if this is what was going on in 1907 in a way. I would have thought it would have been
Better because there's not as much to talk about. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like there's not as much to do that you would think
They would be making a meal out of everything and it seems like they really almost don't want you to know
What's that? Yeah, it's purposely vaguer than if they had all the time in the world
Yeah
100% well this next thing is just there's a there's just a tiny blur
There's only one really remarkable set of children in the world whom everybody is dying to hear about and every mother knows their pet names
That's the whole fucking thing
What no, sorry, what do you mean? That's the whole you have to repeat it though. You have what are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
That's the story Gareth
And when you say that's the story you mean there's nothing else there
There's a line above this and a line below it. That's the story
And just to keep may we may we just
Per the request of now. May we hear it again, please? Sure
There's only one really remarkable set of children in the world whom everybody is dying to hear about and every mother knows their pet names
And that's a single sentence
Uh-huh. Yep. There's a headline and a story. It's a headline
Right beneath it is the best dinner and fare bags turkey and chicken dinner with blue with fresh blueberry pie ice cream or pudding one dollar
baby
Okay, so we don't okay, so we don't know their pet names or where these kids are but uh, you gotta go back to the boxers
Okay, brain tree lad
Belfast spider
Every mother knows their spit name
This is the Belfast spider. He's the best my baby boy. This is the street cyclone
All right, buddy
Okay, uh, this one doesn't have a headline. It's just the blurb doesn't matter
Mr. Kudaba who brought the first king salmon into hot springs this season was arrested for refusing to pay a road tax
At the time of this writing. He absolutely refuses to pay claiming that the law is unconstitutional
He was fined twenty five dollars in cost which he refuses to pay if he does not pay
It will be it will mean about 20 days in jail at two dollars a day that guy's never getting out of jail
Right to first of all 25 dollars is a lot for a road tax. That's a lot for 19
Well, I don't think I don't know if that that was the fine. He he just wouldn't pay he wouldn't the road tax was probably like
Oh, I see what you're saying tense answer something. He's just being an asshole
But he's one of those guys for 20 days. That's 40 dollars. He's not doing that either
No, he's he's really dug a hole for himself even though he doesn't want to pay the tax for digging the hole
He has to pay for the jail
No, yeah, they're putting him in jail and they're gonna find him $2 a day if he goes to jail. What kind of
That's I don't think that's fair. I'm gonna go on record. I don't think you should have to pay for jail
I think it's a way to make you pay
All right. Are you checking out? Yeah, I serve my sentence. All right. It's gonna be $4,800
Plus you got you know, you order a lot of cell service
Did you get me for the mini bar? Did you make toilet wine?
Then that's gonna be an extra fee
all right, so it's total that up
$25 in 1908 is today would be 800
Wow, it doesn't that seems like I feel like I thought it would be crazier. I feel like the people don't like him
The salmon king
Yeah, I think I think this this cocky salmon guy. They're like, we're not interested in your bullshit anymore. Coulda bought
They're done with him
Um, here's an interesting headline wanted to kill mother
What the fuck? I'm so sorry. That is yeah. Is it is there a colon after the wanted?
Nope. Wanted to kill a wanted to kill somebody to kill my mom. Okay. Okay. All right wanted to kill the mother
There
Miss Rachel. This is from Dawson. I don't know where Dawson is
Uh, miss creak. Go on. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Well done
Miss m Rachel pine
A daughter of mrs. Rita a storekeeper of Dawson this morning fired a rifle at the 10-year-old son of mrs
Lafell
Her neighbor in south Dawson
When arrested she said she intended to kill the mother if she'd come to the door
Wow, but settled this up. But settle what?
But when the boy came instead she merely intended to frighten him. Oh, well, then yeah, then okay, then it's fine
You're just you're just trying to scare a child
Yeah, you're scaring a 10-year-old with a shooting a gun. What's the big deal? That's right. I shot him with a gun
Never was he scared? Was he scared?
She has been committed for insanity
Wait really
Yeah, yeah, she's been committed for insanity. The unfortunate woman had been a resident of Dawson for many years. That's the whole story
Wow, so she was like she was known as a Dawson lunatic
And then this was the straw the the Dawson shooter
Okay, we gotta get a new issue of the follow-up times. I gotta go to whatever asylum they're keeping her in and go miss
Yes, why did you want to shoot the mother dying to know what she did to you? Was there gossip?
Was there gossip honestly a context a little context?
It's just everything's the action a boy was shot at a boy shot a man
A man was lit on fire. Why we don't do that sort of news. We don't get into that. That's none of my business
We're not you you might want to read the motivated times. That's not what we do
Your cat really wants camera time. I know he's just I don't know what his deal is.
Jose knows he's a star. Jose's doing some really the best work on IG
So he's just he is a crusher, but I don't know how he knows the frame always. He's like right over here. That'll be good
Yeah, he's really good, but like Dave. I'm gonna say that you're not giving your dog enough
Instagram time, you know, I understand if you want to have your children have their own lives
But you're gonna need to bring the dog to the main you're gonna have
Yeah, okay, he got shaved they both got shaved because
Winter the rain
Here wait, Dave. Don't here. I'll do the headline version of your story dog shaved for weather
That'll do
Uh, here's a headline man believed to be eaten by bear
Believe to be go on
Gnome well, we know gnome is in Alaska. So we we get that one
Uh, Sam Lytian who left the mine of harry o'Donnell and cc carpenter on march 20th
Is believed to have been eaten by a bear on the Siberian coast
His sled and blankets have been found, but no trace of himself has ever been discovered although
Search has been diligently made this guy does not know how to write a sentence
Yeah, mr. O'Donnell is not quite sure that the man has been eaten, but mr. Carpenter appears to be convinced of the fact and he's
One guy's like, I don't think he's been eaten the other guy's like, no, he's been eaten pretty sure
Hit his head falling in snow, but he's just like he got buried
He says that the natives are thoroughly convinced that
Lytian has been devoured. Okay. Well now I believe it if the if the indigenous folks are saying it then it's it's true
And I'm inclined to believe them as well
But also just fantastic if they killed them to just be like probably a bear. Oh, that was my fault
What what do you think it looks like some of you are wearing his clothes a bear gave them
No, interesting bear the bear took them off before he ate them very carefully
And if they just like they just were like it's easy to fool the whites
So they just picked up like some snow and crushed it and we're like a bear ate him
Well, all right. They they know they're more in harmony with the land. Thank you for helping a bear ate him everybody
I'm telling you if I was indigenous and just a random white dude came up on the scene
I'd be like we gotta get him. We can't have him telling friends where we are
We can't have him coming back with a surge party. Yep. Shut it down blame it on a bear
Always always go the white guy always go the white guy always
Don't first of all we've said this don't ever show the white where anything valuable is nothing
Don't be like. Oh, yeah, we have gold. No. No. Yeah
Yeah, would you uh, would you mind showing me where the gold is formed friend you
Uh, the end of the story is just the unfortunate man was russian
Was russian
By the way, I'm poking even more holes because uh, there's an instagram account
I follow in russia and they are living in harmony with bears more than anyone else
I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but they got bears on picnics
The bears are like eating hot dogs wrestling with them. They're break dancing
They basically have bears in adidas tracksuits over in russia
Well, isn't there isn't that the freight like remember the phrase or like the russian circus bear like the idea that if there's a bear
Who could like ride a tricycle it was russian. Yeah, we're like on a little ball. Yeah, they I don't know what they're doing
But they are just they somehow they just have bears number and they're like come over here. What's on the bears like?
Yes, son of a bitch. I miss the hell out of you
Here's a good headline two dogs cause shooting a fray
weird weird start for mrs. William taylor
mrs. William taylor and miss ray ward have trouble
that's
There was a small shooting a fray on 5th avenue near kushman street yesterday between miss william taylor and miss ray ward
Both of whom reside in that neighborhood
And the trouble was caused over the ownership of two dogs that were then in miss taylor's possession
Okay, so the one lady was like you stole my dog. I think so like i'm gonna shoot you
I think that's I think you just summed up the whole story as a matter of fact now
It sounds like you're the person writing for this paper
Yeah, no, no, no that wouldn't happen because they'd be like it's a little too clear at nail me
We need a little more murky stuff to kind of fog up what happened
Sorry two mammals stuck in room lady shoot
Dog fight woman gone. There you go. And then we'll finish the story in three pages. Do you see how we do it over here?
Uh, so
The dogs had been brought in from the creeks and turned over to miss taylor who took them home and placed them in
One of the rooms of her cabin
After which she sat down on the front porch and began to read the newspaper
Okay, sounds gorgeous. She's reading the paper. She's livid. She's getting angry like me
So that's how you get it. She's reading the paper and mad as hell
She's just like i'm gonna I just want to keep the rage up
So i'm gonna go to the porch and have a bunch of questions about the words i'm reading
I love that the only time this newspaper gives a detail is when someone's reading the newspaper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, there's just like a selfish plug
While there she noticed a woman coming towards the cabin and when the woman got closer she saw that it was mrs. Ward
She claims that the ward woman wow, you know right now
Now we have a villain because when you call some of the ward woman
She claims that the ward woman made a dive for her gate and came on the porch and struck her
Calling her names and claiming that the dogs which she had in her possession belonged to her
Dogfight so someone must have seen taylor take the dogs. Yeah told
Which she did yeah, yeah
And then she dove through the gate sure and then she don't we yeah, that's okay. It's a bit strange exactly
She says she tried to keep the ward woman from entering her cabin and coaxing the dogs off
But that she was pushed away and then she decided to go into the house and get her gun
The woman on the porch did so essentially this one woman took her dogs and then she's like what are you doing relaxed?
You can't go in there. That's my house and she's like give me my dogs back
And then and then
And then I guess the ward woman went in and the taylor woman whose house it was got her gun got a gun
And by the time she got the gun and came out
It appears the ward woman had coaxed the dogs outside the gate and was about to make off with them
her dogs
I think well that's the question right because obviously
Yeah, the first of all the ward woman makes her entire existence sound suspect
So they're leaving us to believe that like the ward woman says these are her dogs
But we don't believe that the taylor woman said these are my dogs because you know you always keep
Keep your dogs in one room of your cabin. Yeah, you have the dog room. I know we all have the dog room
You lock him up in the dog room. This is the master dog
Uh, so ward this is a ward she soon put a
Stopped to that by oh no taylor. She soon put a stop to that by hitting the ward woman over the head with the butt of the revolver
Whoa, so the ward woman is making off with the dogs. She runs up behind her and hits her on the head
right
She says that the second time she hit the woman the revolver went off and this had the effect of driving her away
Well, also you hitting her on the head. I would say there were two things
Oh my god gunfire
I'm out of here
I'm bludgeoning I'd hang out for but that's a very
Is it a race? It was just I was hitting some of my head with my gun and it went off
The taylor woman then went to police headquarters to report the affair and she claims that while gone
The police chief went to her cabin and got both the revolver and the dogs and gave the dogs to the ward woman
Who had a company in there? So she stole the fucking dogs the lady comes back to get her dogs
The woman takes her dogs then this the dog thief who is not being called the ward woman
The dog thief is the bad person
She then hits her on the head shoots the gun and the ward woman goes take the fucking dogs goes to the cops
And then she goes to the cops too. She carons herself over to the cops
You're not gonna believe what this lady's head did to my gun
Parents. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is Karen town. This is telling two parents
You know white women are possessive of dogs. You can't just be like, you know what I mean?
Don't be fucking with a white woman's dog because she will come for you. She will come for you
And and this is our new tv show and it's called Karen town
But also i'm gonna tell you this is the most detailed story of the entire newspaper. Yeah. Yeah, this is the only story
We got quotes. We got the end result of the actions. What? This is the end of the paper. This is at the end
It's like it's the first paper they ever wrote. They're like, you know what? I think as we go through this what really helps are
Details of beginning of middle and an end seem really be enjoyable in this format. Am I crazy?
Uh, so right so he goes back to the house
The cops gets the lady's guns because she couldn't she shouldn't have them and also takes the dogs
And gives her to miss ward who goes to the house with him
Uh upon returning to her cabinet learning of this she returned so she now she goes back to her house finds out the dogs
Gone and the guns are gone upon returning to her cabinet and learning of this
She goes back to police headquarters and after telling her story to several deputies and the district attorney
She could succeed in getting the two dogs back the ward woman. However is press charges against her. There is no resolution
I don't know what's happening
here's something
I'm not
Dave you know I back the blue all the time, but
What are the cops doing?
The cops are just like everybody's innocent and guilty
All right, you want the dog she asked last you mind if we give her the you each get we're gonna kick Solomon these canines
If that's cool with everybody
You know what I mean like yeah, the mrs. Ward she talked to Gerald and Gerald was like let's get your dogs
Okay, the miss Taylor she talked to
Jefferson and Jefferson was like let's get your dogs and so it's like whatever you find
It's going to be the person who's like, you know a girl. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Just insanity
All right, why don't you do one last one? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Bride kidnapped by her mother
Oh, wow. Okay. I'm in
Yeah, this is out of Chicago
When dr. Fitzgerald of San Francisco arrived here today to marry ethyl Ludwig
He found that the girl's mother had kidnapped her
The mother had induced the girl to the
To accompany her in an automobile the night before and had fled from the city to parts unknown
Miss miss Ludwig is a graduate of stanford and the doctor became acquainted with her there
He declares that he will follow up the party and will retake the girl by force
Oh, Jesus christ. Jeez, but we don't know why the mother kidnapped her
No, we got to find her for
His attitude
I will take her by force. She if my possession
They got this bride is getting dogged
She's very in the middle. I feel so bad for her. It's like everyone wants to take her and she's like
I just want to hang out in my house. I have a college degree. Can I go get a job?
You're mine
You're mine
No, she's mine
Wow, wow, I didn't expect a love story. This is gorge. This was gorge. This was tumultuous. It was confusing
It was unhinged. Yeah. Yeah, it's just there's been very little closure
It almost feels like a I would imagine it's what it's like if you're chloroformed and open a paper and you're just like
I'm not able to really perceive or process what I'm reading, but there's a lot of words that are familiar
What do you think the application process is for writing for the paper?
Are you drunk get in here start typing
I went outside you want to know what I saw and then it's just like I only saw the beginning of everything
Don't get too far into what you saw. Just remember you went outside now. Have some rum
Start typing my man. Welcome to the world of the fairfield paper
Uh, what a nightmare. Well, Naomi, thank you for joining us again for being our our first two-timer
That was so fun. You guys keep me young and you keep me uninformed and I just thank you for that
Well, you're very it's you're very welcome. It's I do a lot of the research for these things and um
your podcast couples couples therapy
Uh, fantastic listen fantastic podcast to do too. I know I said that before but it is a very
I think it like there's so many podcasts where you're just like, okay, this isn't you're very
You know, you're in control. It's where you labeled me a fuckboy and probably once a week someone on twitter's like shut up
the fuckboy
I do go hard. Okay. We
Yeah, your relationship questions. I also judge my guests very harshly. Yes. I said, Dave, you're cold. You're terrifying
Gareth, you're a fuckboy and that's just how you start the conversation you guys and then you go from there
You go from there. That's right. Drop the bomb count the limbs later. That's uh, that's the move
Uh, well, thank you and you're also like doing a ton of other shit. I mean you are really you're all over the place
So well, you can watch mythic quest on apple tv. That's always a good time
There we go. You know, I try to leave the house to do stand up, but y'all I really like being in my house
And you know, just hanging out. Well, you could go you're on uh, what's the netflix one that you're on?
You have the stand up the stand up you're on there and a great a great set a great experience if you can't see you in person
Oh, that's my time with david letterman. That's a little five minutes set in an interview
I got to touch david letterman's beard. So you'll want to see that too
Wow
What was it like?
Cotton candy
Yeah, this is a lot of tastic
No, he's married
You can taste a man's beard. It's got nothing to do with it. It's not sexual
Oh
If you are experiencing symptoms of a rectile dysfunction or ed don't worry, you're not alone
52 of canadian men between 40 and 70 suffer from ed
To get more information sign up at ed info.ca
That's e for a rectile d for dysfunction info.ca then talk to your doctor because you are not alone when dealing with ed