The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 26 - The Past Times with Corey Ryan Forrester

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian Corey Ryan Forrester New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday. Redbubble Merch

All right everybody, welcome to the Past Times Podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week, Cory Ryan Forrester. Thank you for joining us Cory, appreciate it. Thank you guys so much for having me. I'm a big fan of the show and killing time by reading old news so it's perfect for me.

I'm honored to be here. This is going to be your sweet spot and I have people, I would say people should look you up just because many reasons and we'll get to some of the things you want to promote but there's so many videos you make where you're just talking into your phone about the bullshit of today that just go really viral like you've really done pretty well with that shit. Yeah, it's kind of crazy because like I've been doing stand up for like going on 20 years and 17 years I remember.

Yeah, yeah and so like when I first started doing stand up all I wanted to do was jokes on stage and when like YouTube and stuff became a thing like I was raised by like the 70s and 80s guys so I was like nah old school just go to the club and whatever and then the pandemic happened and I was like well I guess I got to make videos now because I can't you know go on stage and just it turned and I was like oh wow that works you know neat so it's crazy. We still haven't cracked that part but it sounds like it's going great so that's good for you. I don't know what it is.

We haven't tried it. Dave hasn't gone on YouTube yet. It's pretty neat. What is that? What is that? Dave, you know when you type Y-O-U in your computer and U-Porn comes on? Yeah. That's based on another website so Corey first things first you have a special out on Amazon

called Long Line of Stupid which is part of the well-read, you're part of well-read comedy which is very popular and your special is basically like episode two out of all three of your specials and it's great. I would recommend people go check that out. You also have a podcast that is a huge compliment to us because you said it's like the dollop for stupid people which a lot of people would say is my role but it's called Putting on Airs. Yep, Putting on Airs that's me and Trey Crowder from the well-read comedy tour and the log

line is two hillbilly dum-dums talk about fancy people and their culture so Trey all ways tries to do the Venn diagram of where fancy and trash kind of meet in the middle so like a topic for him would be weddings or fucking your cousin you know because it's like we both do it but here's how and then I usually do a little history segment which a lot of people have said this is you know this is the dollop but for stupid people and I mentioned that to you and you were like I thought that's what our show was and I would like to point out to you that I've cracked what they mean by that. What they mean by that is we're the dollop but with stupid sounding accents is what it

is. Okay that's good because if you listen to the or if you read my comments a lot of times it's like how did you not know? So I really I've definitely got a lot of that filtering through but but both good things to check out so so Dave's got a weird newspaper picked out from some time I normally like to start off guessing what year I'm going to guess and it could be from 1600 to right I would say 2000 dish at some point he's gonna sneak in a recent one and and maybe this is the time so I'm gonna swing for the fences and I'm gonna say 19 now that I'm saying it

1997 sounds weird I'll go literally I'll go 1974 can I guess yeah yeah okay I don't know that you pick out the paper due to the guest but if you do I'm gonna go with 1865 I bet that's a great guess I think that's a great interesting that I sometimes I do this time I did not actually I went with 1908 February 2nd the New York Times oh my god at the creme de la creme if you talk to most people I see on Twitter yes I mean people love the New York Times because you know what they always always right it only betrayed you nine times it's really gone so far back and forth on the pendulum because like when I would like a little while ago it was like all the New York Times that's the liberal media that's

the one and now everybody I see getting upset at the at the New York Times is like no no no we don't believe that they're actually not speaking for us they're defending J.K. Rowling what are you talking about yeah yeah yeah yeah it really I in a way it's so popular and yet everyone seems to despise it it's really done quite well with that that's sort of the Dave Anthony of papers go ahead Dave what just happened huh I don't know you broke up I think I'm going through a tunnel I don't feel like I did not break up actually I don't think I heard at all I haven't heard a word yet so action Dave we are enemies all right so a big big news actually on the front page a big trial that went on I just looked at

it because this guy a guy I hadn't heard of but now he's very dollop worthy far insane in a Madawan he is found not guilty of murder of murdering white because he was crazy these are this is just the headline that's the headline this this so there was a bad line has crazy in it yes he is found not guilty of murdering white because he was crazy because he was crazy that's actually that's interesting because that wasn't really like not guilty by way of insanity wasn't really popularized until I think it was it was lucky Luciano or whoever his boss was oh yeah like he he got out on that and before that that wasn't really a thing and so once he did it everybody was like okay I'm crazy so it's interesting

to hear in 1908 that's a great that's a great first to have one just to be like your honor I did it because I was nuts and every other person in jail was like well I was I was great I was not what he thought of course I was nuts you have to be a little crazy to chop three people's heads off in an afternoon so like you feel like everybody could get out of it I was nuts I ate their brain that's what you do you if you eat if you kill someone then take your time to eat their brains just in case or just put put their head on and go to see a movie and then you just come back and be like your honor look your brother you kid like you kicked your brother out of the family the old-fashioned way and you just put

his head on you're like mm-hmm he would and there's more this is back this is the time when they would have like the main headliner than four headlines underneath it sent it once to asylum Jerry deliberated 25 hours no writ for release yet okay after deliberating 25 hours the jury which tried Henry Kendall thaw for second for the second time for the murder of Stanford white on Madison Square roof garden on the night of wow this was a show murder yeah yeah tonight's attendance on the night of June 25th 1906 returned to the courtroom at 12 o'clock yesterday with the verdict acquitting the prisoner of the crime on the ground that he was insane when he was shot and he was insane when when white

when he shot white sorry okay right you said they put him in an asylum after that right they took him straight to an asylum okay I was I didn't know how that worked I didn't know if they were like oh so anyways back home you know what I mean you know it's funny to what like back in those days what constituted a lunatic for a man versus what constituted a lunatic for a woman because like this guy had to be murdering people cutting their brains out but a woman could just make cornbread a little different than she did before and the guy would be like clearly she's insane take her away from me she's out of here put her away put her next to that guy that ate brains and wore his brother's head what she

did what is she doing what she keeps talking and then the doctor would literally go okay I'm gonna go finger her for a little bit and then that's what they did that's what they did that's why the dildo was invented because the doctor didn't want to use his hands they would masturbate them they would try to masturbate the insanity out of them I mean okay so for any male prisoners who are curious why there is a societal chip on the shoulder of women listen to what just happened it's true I know I'm the dildo doctor 50 cc's a finger the judge ordered the prisoner to the state asylum for the criminally insane at Madawan and thaw was taken there leaving the tombs a few minutes before four o'clock he was taken to grand

central station in in Evelyn Nesbitt thaw's electric brom b-r-o-u-g-h-a I don't know what that is brom it's gotta be a car electric right in 1908 I mean they weren't yeah there were electric cars then oh wow his wife accompanying him lawyers Daniel O'Reilly and Peabody followed in another vehicle mrs. thaw said goodbye to her husband at the station and saw him accompanied by two lawyers in the guard depart for the asylum just before part of the train thaw dictated the statement I am perfectly sane now but I am going to but when I shot white I was cuckoo bananas I tell you what I tell you what when I heard that when I heard the verdict it just like shook something out of it like someone threw cold water in a drunk

I did what are you I shot him are you kidding me that is so out of character I well I'll tell you what whatever marbles I spilled they're back in my pocket now I can't wait to get out there I am perfectly sane now but I am going to Madawan on the advice of my council who thought it was unwise to sue for a writ of habeas corpus at this time so lawyers like honest as lawyers like look we got to pretend that you are just gonna go get help they encourage me to go pretend that I'm getting help was this does it say in there that this was this dude a man of means does it say oh yeah I'll get to that one yeah hugely immune that's important to me yeah council will proceed in the matter of my release as soon as they

can get together the proofs they will present that I am at present sane I am confident that my stay at Madawan will be for a short period of time only like that is not what you say after you kill the guy yeah like the lights are like oh cool awesome now I'm fine yeah you gotta keep you gotta keep doubling down on it so they totally like that guy you said they wanted to kill me like yeah you poop in your hand and you put it under your eyes and you go I'm the center for the name fight and I read keep it go was please like two days he was the son of a coal Baron there you go air to a multi million dollar fortune he murdered architect stand for white in front of hundreds of witnesses on the on the roof

for the Madison Square Garden and idea but it's he had is like the cockiness of the wealthy like yeah he's just like I could shoot it's like Trump I could shoot someone in Fifth Avenue and get away with yeah it also changes there they're not insane they're eccentric because they have you know what I mean yeah and he was he was very eccentric and he did have mental health problems his entire life so he but he was also you know partying and drug addiction and all the stuff sure yeah that'll make you go a little wacky lot of naughty not a lot of naughty sex that was like opium back then yeah man I don't know if you guys have ever smoked opium but it definitely I have a little weird I wouldn't

want to kill anybody though no I definitely I don't think I could get out of the chair no me either Pittsburgh wild over verdict men and women trample each other in mad efforts to get extras scores of men and women in this city went wild here about one o'clock today when the first news of the thaw verdict was received oh this is a continuation yeah this is the next story yeah the the moment the evening newspaper extras appeared in the streets there was a mad rush for them bankers brokers clerks stenographers and everybody whose work finished at noon gathered in the downtown blocks to await the news they flocked together by the thousands heedless of a 30 mile an hour gale that drove a cold rain against them

jeez they really liked this story no kid I have a hurricane and they're like hold on the instant the first bundle of extras appeared in the street all else was forgotten men and woman pushed and trampled over every it looks like every each other in the mad struggle to get possession of them hats were knocked off oh my god oh lord this makes me feel extra terrible for only being able to sell like 300 tickets and buffalo you know because like thousands of people in gale force win just to see a verdict and I'm like I got jokes guys come on out and they're like oh we're getting wings you know yeah yeah hats were knocked off and crushed in the mud and slush women can you imagine the guy like there are

hats for the love of all that's holy 350 hats dead women scratched and screamed at Fifth Avenue and Smithfield Street mounted police were called to restore order open the way for traffic so they caught the cops because people started trying to get a newspaper yeah yeah yeah we call them officer centaurs yeah they're part they're not they're not separate from the horse they're right yeah yeah yeah yeah they have pan flutes that would be so much better I agree especially the pooping you be like sir clean up your shit at Fourth Avenue the financiers rushed the news boys and literally mobbed them their bundles of papers were torn from them and showers of silver coins tossed to them wow in ten minutes

all was quiet people read the verdict at a glance then tossed the papers into the streets I like the idea that you couldn't like so one person could just be like an orator just be like yeah not guilty he's been found right but instead everyone's like gotta read it kill kill the kids throw the coins at the kids kill them that's such a great point just wait till the first person gets the paper and then go what does it say what does it say that's how I get my news now like I'm not reading the newspaper I wait for you to tweet something about it and I'm like there you go that's how I feel I wait I was just gonna say I wait for Dave to text me and then I go oh yeah we we've all got that Dave in our life mine

is Mark AG and I don't if a news story comes up I'm like I'm not reading this I'm gonna casually bring it up to Mark later and then he'll tell me everything that was interesting right hey did you read that one what did what did you read that they said I know how I feel but I mean I just need to know what you think my opinions fully form but what are you what's your gut on this one God it's so weird just the mob aspect at all so yeah mob to get papers threatened to mob prisoner Greenwich Connecticut George Putnam alias WH Richards a former assistant gardener for William Rockefeller was tonight bound over by Justice Walmart under a thousand dollar bond for robbing the Norton mansion of Miss Hannan of West a lot of names

this guy was like yeah let's set the stage this is like a play bill let's get all the characters out and a thousand dollar bond back then is like forty eight grand right something like that yeah it's a lot of money it's a lot of money so he is the gardener of a Rockefeller right assistant gardener second so second string gardener yeah right and he robbed a woman Bob mulch had a little and then I'll be back to check on you what are you gonna do spade bulbs so he's just a gardener and he and he's just a gardener with an alias and he robs a mansion that's money that you can't comprehend by the way like I'm not saying it doesn't you don't have to be rich to have a gardener but if you have

an assistant gardener that is railroad money buddy yeah and then also if your gardeners like can you make the checkout to Javier Jones Todd why just no big deal please put them told miss Hanson's maid mini Goddard and Edna Raymond that he was measuring the house for shades okay so he goes into this mansion and tells the maids he's just measuring for shades yeah yeah yeah I'm just being shady when he was leaving they discovered a spading fork sticking into the door of a room this guy was not good no he's not for shades and then he just fucking spades I mean how on brand for a gardener to be like I'm gonna pick the lock with a spade and leave it there and leave it there and it's yeah yeah yeah yeah he's

like a character in clue I think it was the assistant gardener with a spade in the shade room in another room several chunks have been open and valuables piled ready to be taken out of mid robbery yeah put them in his flight dropped a souvenir postal card on which was his post office box in Greenwich this is this the worst crime we've read about on this show Dave the dumbest I don't know it's certainly the dumbest the guy was like and what else did I do okay I've left the spade in the door they saw me in there being sketchy you know I'm just gonna leave a little bit of identification just in case they have trouble figuring out who done this oh god I have a souvenir postcard I'll just drop it right here I'm just gonna

sign a picture of me I did it let's see I have all my tools for the robbery I have my my my spade and I have my postcards so I'm ready let's go so that's where he he and his family and wife and five children were living and the card led to his arrest in the justice court tonight put them started to blame the women for his arrest duh what else could it be he didn't have a lawyer so he's like he's like you know it might work I'm not saying it's gonna but it's a good shot your honor it wasn't me it was all women they did it so 200 men arose and threatened to mob him if he said another word against the women oh nice I think people were just so happy for a mob back then like any excuse to mob

and riot was wonderful yeah yeah yeah he is locked up in Stanford tonight as it was not thought safe to leave him in the little lock up in Darian man I really hope this guy digs out of jail yeah yeah just perfectly oh I know you're excited to listen to this episode so am I hey everybody it's Gareth half of this podcast it's gonna be a good time but before you get to it I wanted to give you some stand updates where I'll be on the road you can come join me be part of the Garmie the Gareth army you guys call yourselves that it's nothing to do with me but come on out and join me I will be in Austin Texas May 12th and 13th I will be in Phoenix Arizona May 18th I will be in Birmingham Alabama July 9th I will be

in Nashville July 10th I will be in New Jersey New Brunswick July 11th I will be in New York City July 12th at the New York Comedy Club then I'll be in Stanford Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club July 13th July 14th I'll be in Pottstown Pennsylvania I'll be in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania for the DVE Comedy Fest July 15th I will be in Syracuse New York July 16th I will be in Buffalo New York July 18th New York I hope you're not sick of me because I'll be in Albany New York July 19th then July 20th 21st and 22nd I will be in Burlington Vermont at the Vermont Comedy Club go to Gareth Reynolds dot com for ticket information be part of the Garmie and you might notice I didn't say Huntsville Alabama July 7th and July 8th those dates are

getting moved sorry Garmie so go to Gareth Reynolds dot com get yourself some tickets let's party uh killed on the elevated wow David David Davis oh that's brutal wow that's true yeah the parents were like we can only afford one letter we're very safe so much time we're very meager we'd like to buy one D please it's like we'll afford you with a name a D ding ding ah yes oh thank god uh David Davis head of the carpet department at Wanamaker's store and what do you want to make a carpet and living at four at 946 Forest Avenue the Bronx was ground to death last night under a third avenue elevated train at the 177th Street station you know you're not reading ground to death enough in papers nowadays yeah they don't use great great terms

like run over yeah but I like to picture someone being made into beef chunks y'all made a great point on the the Roy Wood Jr episode that I never thought about which was like they just gave addresses out like they just doxxed people for absolutely no reason and especially knowing how quick these people were to assemble a mob with pitchforks and they're just giving them addresses how bored they were and ready for total violence at the drop of a hat yeah and it went through the 1970s right yeah they just were forever just like boy a lot of the people we talk about in the paper are getting killed huh so what do you think the threat is on that one Tom uh so Davis with William Aiken a friend was on his way to attend the meeting of a scotch organization in Washington

Avenue that's a great meeting all right all right order we gotta figure out um what was that uh hold on a second we're gonna do something here and say uh all right let's eat the nachos then we'll get back to the docket and stuff we're gonna talk about holy fuck I'll tell you I got the warm spits am I the warm spits dead they got off at the station and Aiken stepped into the shelter of the ticket box to light a cigar when he turned around he found that Davis had fallen under the wheels of the downtown express when the train stopped it was found that the first card passed over the body it was cut to pieces did he make it yeah well the good news is you have three of him corner corner shana wax was sitting was sitting at the window of his office across

the street from the station and he still thought it was a gunshot he's just he's just uh this is great there's a corner just hanging out he's like well there's something I don't even need to go down to the tracks for this one I can just do this one from the office I think it was a train so that's what happens when you get hit by a train interesting yeah good to know he saw the crowd gathering and ran to the scene according to Aiken Davis was expecting a friend on the downtown train and his theory is that he walked across the platform and stuck his head out to see whether the train was coming struck in the head and thrown to the track come on I mean come on that's not how this is supposed to work that it's not so he asked for it I mean really well he he looked the wrong way he looked

the wrong way and the train came that's what I think they're saying that's my favorite I know that when I'm in an intersection and I need to know if someone's coming this way I pull my car all the way out into the intersection absolutely and go oh no like a bus driver over railroad tracks where you're just like by the way that was always a weird policy I never understood if you were a school bus driver you're like we need to stop at the dangerous part and I'll open the door to chase like you just go I think it's about the same amount of time you just go to be honest with you that uh we had that happen uh like two or three days ago and it like somebody from my hometown besides me went viral for once and uh because some dude got his transfer truck stuck on the

railroad and he had enough time to get out and then they were all just standing there waiting on the train to come and oh my god yeah wow oh my god now when you where you live are people like do you go to the store and are people like holy shit it's Cory well like in my actual hometown like it's so small that everybody does they know they knew who I was anyways and uh most of the time people are like oh god there's Cory yeah right yeah that's usually it yeah no you're you're comedian then yeah yeah exactly yeah there's no ticket tape parade or ticker no right I I will say this death is I don't I don't want to do a top five but I the idea of being like this train's taking forever as the train is about to fucking watermelon your head good lord it's

five minutes I'm dead is this gun loaded yeah let me check it is there any fuel in this vehicle can be that lighter here's the best part Walter Edmonds of four two four seven park avenue motor man of the train was arrested oh my god we've got a train slaughter and in case any of the family members want to go to his house and beat him to death the train is not going to be held on anything because it pled insanity that's sad he can there's there's nothing that the motorman could do right I mean that's what it sounds like of course not moment where Dave expresses sadness that it's sort of like but that's it that is insane like a train you like even now then trains are like apparently better now I guess like if there's something like it takes train so long

to stop you can't just see a guy's head like if you see a guy's head and you're driving the train you're like that guy's about to be dead you know yeah yeah I do I do think though if a train in east Palestine was headed towards you it seems like on some portions of the track you would have plenty of time to get out of the way yeah I gotta say though what's one thing we learned after the east Palestinian crash was that the government always takes care of people no matter how the public votes that and that we actually don't have better technology the train is has the civil war breaks and all that yeah that's true yeah uh next headline janitor a suicide wow janitor that's the muse that that's a janitor right yeah it is janitor a suicide

premiering off broadway despondent because he had lost his job through complaints from the tenants by the way glad I got the jokes in glad I got the jokes in early yeah it's real sad right away but can I ask you this day if who's going to clean up the body I'm going to leave him out of here I'm out of here uh tenants of the edge mirror apartment house on five west 104 street will you don't need to know where everything is I think we do I think we do you know the one with the red awning no no no further down that's it William Weber the janitor of the house went to the storeroom in the basement yesterday morning and shot himself dead while the wife of Weber was weeping over the body a dozen women went to

the basement to complain that there was not enough heat in their apartments oh my god some of them did not even cease their expressions of dissatisfaction after they learned that the janitor was dead oh my god my husband is dead I'm still cold though may I have some of his clothes I can't feel my toes that was like Shakespeare level alliteration though the wife of Weber was weeping that was pretty sweet yeah yeah the wife of Weber was weeping wildly according to the dead man's wife Weber felt deeply aggrieved because of the complaints of the tenants he had tried his best she said supply plenty of steam but without success so so they come down and she's like what what made him take his own life was the fact that you're always complaining well

someone needs to get the heat going and if it's not him it better be you but this is what did him in you know I don't like the tone of your voice and my door's still squeaking something get up there we're freezing cold oh I tell you what I could just I don't even need a deep freezer I've got my apartment and it's his fault wake him up even if he is dead I say we start a mob see I agree a mob's exactly what this town needs blown from the car by wind this is the same paper I was just gonna it's just like just are you sure you're not reading wild obituaries benjamin Horowitz 25 years old motorman on the sea beach line of the BRT was

blown from his car early yesterday morning by the wind and flung heavily to the ground sustaining internal injuries it's wild to think of a dude named Benjamin Horowitz was ever 25 but he was standing on the open rear platform of the car which was near the meadows about a half mile from Coney Island when a particularly strong gust of wind picked him up and whirled him beyond the track I'll say I'll say all right I gotta be honest I'm not tried because we've had a couple of uh of people killing themselves I really think this guy tried and just picked the wrong spot people like are you okay he's like a gust a gust a gust a big gust took me a big what's this note in your pocket that says to your wife saying that she's all your

debts should be wiped away because of this bold action the wind the wind the wind wrote a letter to so the wind the gust of wind took me off the back and threw me to the ground now my organs hurt and then the wind also wrote this letter that might appear to be the note of one who was planning on taking his own life which I clearly wasn't anyway let's let's let's let's let's get let's go back to normal right now I used to be a senator either that or he was he weighs 40 pounds and like you gotta put on weight Benjamin I this is me yeah you know what they fired me as a jockey I know what I can do this is bullshit this is total bullshit I am sick of fighting the wind we're people too that's a beautiful jockey impersonation thank you you're

welcome just watching a man fly through the sky holy fuck what's going on there look at that tiny little man he's going brocks brocks sewage fight again again what it seems it keeps happening I can't believe there's a sequel this is in white planes application was made here today to supreme court justice Arthur Tompkins by council for the town of scarsdale for an injunction restraining the village of white planes from operating its sewage disposal works oh wow so scarsdale is like you guys stop with your shit I cut the shit we finally passed the hold it in bill you said this is supreme court justice Arthur scarsdale Arthur Tompkins Arthur Tompkins I uh scarsdale is the town okay I have no way of knowing this but I'm gonna guess that the

the supreme court justice in 1908 probably a asshole yeah and probably from white planes he's being lobby by big doo doo I get it I think he's I think big poo's paying him off yeah th dykeman representing the village objected on the ground that such a restraint would do great injury to 2000 homes so justice Tompkins ordered the matter uh adjorn the matter for two weeks in the meantime the village authorities will try to improve the plant so that the town will have no cause for complaint it seems that some of the sewage gets into the Bronx river okay so there you go they're just putting shit in the river and downstream the town's like fucking what are you doing how's how's everyone's how was your shower I'm dirtier there's shit everywhere

you're shitting on our town all right and we're looking for what is the problem I guess is what we're looking for is what's the issue here you ever heard of a real Bronx cheer are we supposed to keep our shit is that what you're expecting we keep our shit sure look whatever I what you got one I so this is a time when people were clamoring for fresh water right yeah I feel like everybody in the past was drinking some form of diarrhea like the filtration sent systems weren't that great but it had to be pretty thick for them to notice it is what I'm saying yeah yeah yeah it's like they were like this is a willy wonka river god damn it fix this it's uh it's not much different now the here in California I mean it's everywhere but the anytime is a really big storm all of the uh

because I serve so you got to wait like two weeks because all the the sewage plants overflowed there's a part oh go ahead yeah I was gonna say I remember when we were kids and like you would you would turn on the faucet and it would just be like red mud sometimes and then no one was ever alarmed they were just like you just got to let it be red mud for a while and then now it's clean and I'm like okay right on all the good stuff past the red mud you your sink is shitting too for a minute and then it's done and then the pure stuff comes out don't worry just give it a second it's fine don't worry just just wait let it pass that's that's how the song one two three wait came to for wish uh oh sorry already read that okay buddy do do dog did you think another suicide had happened

but turn out you were just me reading yeah yeah yeah Dave's like probably gonna skip this one that's eight there's a lot of people getting their heads cut off yeah dog distinguishes phones this is a letter this is a letter to the editor oh god this guy's like I'm gonna they for the fifth week in a row I'm gonna see if they'll cover this story about the dog and the phone may I offer another bit of evidence on the reasoning powers of the dog through your column so reasoning power the doggies and parentheses because somebody clearly wrote about the reasoning powers of the dog right right I live in an apartment with a small dog who loves my address is nine Clarks there are two telephones one phone is my private wire the other from the house office

usually announces a guest load record when the yeah when the office phone rings the dog barks runs to the door and lies down wagging his tail waiting for the guest to come up on this elevator but he pays no attention to the private phone and it's never been confused between the two since he was four months old as no one has taught him this trick it would seem as if he must have reasoned his way to the conclusion gf New York city yeah I'm sure everybody reading that was relating super hard to it oh yeah you guys you guys know how you when your one phone rings your dog doesn't know what it is and then the other one you know when the elevator phone rings and then your regular line goes that sounds like a kevin heart bit from the 1908

you know when you fire one servant and it pisses six other you know how you oil for your car and then you have your bubbly drinking oil the most unrelatable shit you know how you have your bank gold and then the one you cook your steak in you know what I mean do you ever get those confused that you actually end up eating coins so this guy is amazed that dogs aren't idiots basically right yeah yeah he's like I don't know how to do it a dog he's also probably like how do I exploit this for more money right I really want people to know I have two phones I really want people to know and I've got to figure out a way to tell them where it seems organic I know oh hey shit people my dog knows the difference between my phones

and what's great is he has his own phone too in a two bedroom house that he lives in out back you know sometimes in 1908 some of you are forced to eat your dog because you're so hungry well mine can tell phones you know how some of you are drinking river poop well I've got five phones and maybe if you were as smart as my dog you wouldn't have to drink diarrhea my dog has cleaner water than you yours truly gf that stands for go fuck yourself go fuck off in fair your t's barred from entry wow the board of united states t experts oh you lost me we miss england it looks like your river water it's not as good if it use the river

the board of united states t experts which has been testing teas for several days to determine for several days to determine the standards to govern imports during 1908 every english person's dream look we need someone to sit in this room for two days of pound tea for money it sounds like a murder it's a trap it's a trap if i've ever heard one darling uh they completed their labors yesterday george hulett the chairman stated that no change had been made in the standards fresh teas have been provided to be used as samples at the various ports for the guidance of customs officers there will be no change in the government's regulations covering the importations of tea inferior teas will be barred from entry i mean

but again it's i don't even know how i guess that's just like label based but it's still this is rich people get what they want and everyone else doesn't get like there's people that are like can i not have shit in my water oh no we're figuring out which tea is good this was quite good but not great what is it gonna take for us to revolt it's like it's really unbelievable i was about to say like nothing about our country has changed from this paper to now it is just different different items and different perks but same same shit out of touch people thinking that everyone has the same issues that they do while people drink poopy water and they're just like can't you help us out yeah and while people are like uh my dog is drinking tea and

that's another thing if you like it like will you hear people all the time talking about how smart their dog is is that i thought in 1908 like you had a dog so it would hunt or guard your gold or whatever i didn't know that they were all pet people yeah right yeah yeah yeah i hear the next story is a dog story uh to retire colonel deems army officer who loved his dog must go fleas go to are we going to invade the dog's back colonel clarence deems commanding the artillery district of baltimore stationed at fort howard will be retired after all when he left governor's island the other day after a grueling examination by the army retiring board it was understood he had escaped okay so that uh i believe governor's

island is like a mental health sort of place at this point uh nearly everybody considered the hearing of farce as the most serious testimony brought out against colonel deems was his love for riley his fox derrier and his weakness to tell a joke more than once well we're kicking this guy out of the army for being a dad yes you've told us that one yes get the fuck out of here with your dog well but do you know how they found out if there were bees in the bush let me tell you the farmer took his pants you've told us this one before he took his pants down and then he said my wife certainly doesn't make honey like that sir we've heard the joke before that did i ever tell you the word that was a god tier fake joke thank you for that that was wonderful

it was announced at the war department today that colonel deems had been recommended for retirement for disability the papers in the case have reached the office of the surgeon general and will go to the secretary of war and president the attention of the war department officials was attracted to colonel deems when he brought charges involving conduct unbecoming an officer and gentlemen against captain arthur chase commanding the 103rd uh chase was found guilty reference to affairs at fort howard were brought out in captain chase's trial at governor's island that resulted in inspectors being sent to conduct an investigation so deems brings charges against this guy that guy's not guilty but they also learned stuff during the trial to have a boomer

right so he was at the trial like i think he could figure it out without this part the war department would you like to pet my dog hey you want to see a one-eared elephant we've heard this before by the way the war department sounds like if you asked a five-year-old what is the place called where they talk about war the war department the war secretary who writes down what the wars are they reported that conditions at the post particularly in connections with the commandant's office of administration were in unsatisfactory condition okay so this is blowback like you brought charges against the guy and now his friends in the military are like we'll go look at his shit yeah by unsatisfactory condition was meant chiefly that the colonel had a dog

which was over affectionate with friends and foes alike that dog was named the only thing my dog was i was standing there and my friends watched riley lick his testicles and when he said i wish i could do that i said maybe you should pet him first we've heard this before deems is that a crime it's not a crime the dog was named riley and he was all that deems loved deems as a bachelor deems as a bachelor oh yeah we know what happened here right this is very this is very me and jose and this is also i think wink wink this guy might be gay no oh oh oh i think what they put but so-and-so is a bachelor in the paper they're saying yeah you know what i'm saying right well back then dude if you i mean like if you weren't if you were a dude and you weren't married and that's

the only thing that they thought you know right like like it's just like why at least we're in a fake marriage or something yeah right you're just you're gonna wash your own clothes in a tub what are you talking about yeah yeah it's definitely it's definitely if they're saying an older guy only has a dog and is not married they're saying you're if not really was the only one he really loved wink yeah riley refused to to confine his affection to deems he lavished it on everybody that happened to notice him and he scattered his kisses and fleas indiscriminately whether it was the dog or the fleas is one of the things the war department is keeping secret what a conspiracy yeah well i think just reading between the lines that this guy went on trial for some

actual bullshit and then was like he's gay right okay and they found another way to get rid of him but the paper's like saying is this really a reason to get rid of a guy right at least he spread his fleas yes at least his dog all that matters yeah at least yeah queen has dinners served at opera i don't think a gay man would have a dirty dog though in my opinion well it might be river might be river baths right right so the queens at the opera queen has dinner served at opera solves the problem of having a bit more gravy for the hen miss they're in the middle of they're in the middle of the finale who are the salons why i don't understand the language which one is it solves the problem of hearing all of sigfried without going hungry oh god this is how we get alamo draught house

having your dinner brought from buckingham palace and served in the rear of the royal box during the interval between the first and second acts of the opera on thursday night the queen has set a fashion that society believes will not only become popular for the charm of the idea but will also solve the practical problem of ministering to the appetite of early performances without missing parts of the opera again i mean i mean again could you have a bigger rich person problem no problem with the operas when i leave i'm famished yeah well then you're not ready to go out asshole is this george's mom is that who this is king george's mom would that be who that is in 19 oh my god 19 oh wouldn't that be you know what i don't know i don't i don't

know well or edward you know because edward abdicated but that was in because in my stupid brain i was just like yeah elizabeth she was there you know like but she yeah right i get yeah yeah i guess no right and my brain i was like she could be she's so old but yeah right she's not 110 or 115 this was this is 1908 yeah right sorry for the derailment no it's fine i know i know i'm obsessed with the royals so i should know uh oh he uh looks like king edward the seventh is right now okay so so his wife was his lady i'm so hungry uh victorian eat some quail victoria no it's not victoria uh it's it's alexand it's it's alexandra of denmark and that's who his wife is oh wow um so uh owing to the increasing demand for the

rendition of operas without cuts the eating problem has recently become very acute at the long performances it's a problem stop it must they hold the notes so long good gosh the situation becomes especially annoying when the performance begin as early as 6 30 as is the case with sigphreed eat before you during the general scamper to neighboring refreshment bars and sandwich depots between the first and second oysters to go all right between the first and second acts for attendance carefully carried into the rear of the royal box a small table already set and containing the queen's favorite dishes the food had been prepared at the palace and kept warmed by means of patent heat retaining devices oh yeah okay what yet they're called lids

a lid and a tiny candle underneath it they're like it's called a heat retaining divide you mean that serving tray and a candle the queen alexandra with one or two friends was able to turn from the stage to dinner which they had time to enjoy heartily before the beginning of the next act when the curtain descended the attendance disappeared with the table with the dinner table as silently as they appeared the next article better be queen farts queen farts did you know this is exactly how they serve al michael's at halftime of thursday night football and i'm not kidding i'm not kidding they as soon as i swear to god i heard kirk herb street told me i said as soon as halftime hits they literally bring in a table uncover it and it's already got the steak

and all the whatever they nascar is meal in front of them eat al it's but i mean it is it definitely harkens to like how now the combination of entertainment and food like the idea that that used to be those used to be separated activities you know instead now it's like how like it's going to be a matter of time until like you can bring a flashlight into the movie theater you can eat milk duds watch a movie and get your dick sucked like in the same viewing that's not theaters yeah that's not what a flashlight is yeah it's a site that sucks your dick it's a different person no it's uh it's not a different person it's not me that's all i know baby that ain't my mouth you know i'm saying i'll see you in court pal i ain't sucking on me a patented dick sucking

technology yeah i got blown earlier by what this and you'll go to the movie and they'll be like toilet or non toilet toilet miss bronson sprains ankle oh my god mother mother-in-law of ambassador grisham meets an accident at rome uh miss frederick bronson the mother of miss loyed grisham wife of the american ambassador has just met with a most unfortunate accident which will lay her up indefinitely she was out at prince well i can't say that this is i mean is what it is called the unrelatable times yeah she was out at prince odish shall she's historic castle at the who hasn't sprayed their ankle there those stairs demanded at the brishanio for the meaning of the buck hunt when in trying to step over some logs

she fell and sprained her ankle badly how she cannot even like a servant at this event how great is this if you're a servant we're like yes yeah go down you witch yeah did you put the logs where i told you yeah yeah i stacked a real high i made a i made a wood hurdle this next sentence is fantastic she cannot even visit her daughter although they live in the same palace there are guys there are guys reading this paper that work on the docks with a sprained ankle every day and hook hands there she can't see their daughter what a shame mine was sold we had to sell her oh look at this we bought we bought a young girl to be your foot for three weeks my dog can tell she's not my real daughter it's crazy

oh my god now while you might find this unrelatable keep in mind their house is the size of your neighborhood wow fucking rich people oh just the gall the gall the gall oh here's a here's do you want to hear the list of this week's free lectures there's four uh head talks back then yeah yeah these are on sunday this is exciting i don't want to set it up too much toothpicks a reason to not the first the first one is confusionism okay wow wow lecture yeah lecture in course on religions in the east the next one is belgium okay and then the next one is university service a short sermon and then the last one is race war oh god so that a lot of crossover like belgium there i'd have to a lot of crossover yeah that guy's like i'm also

doing belgium which brings me to my next point but belgium will go naturally into race war it's the headliner we got race war this is like this is before this is just when people started going i think german he's up to some shit right now i'll leave them be they're tiny no way they'll take on the world don't worry about that twice okay so this last one this little read this one last and this is actually the story that uh it's near the end of the paper i don't know why it's near the end paper should be on the front page but someone posted this so i posted this on twitter and people sent it to me like you really have to do this is a pastime so i went and found this specific paper so wait you got this paper based on this yeah this paper's been nuts i can't

believe this is this may be the greatest news story of all time and it goes with the theme of dogs that we've already had oh wow and the headline is dog a fake hero some dogs still in valor i love it and this story is out of paris patty oh wow apropos of the decision of m lepine to employ dog auxiliaries for the patrol of lonely beats in the outskirts of paris a good story is now going the rounds concerning the splint a splinted newfoundland which was a candidate at one of the recent field trials the dog is the property of a man who lives on the banks of the scene just outside paris sometime ago a child playing on the river bank fell into the water it was an imminent danger of being drowned sure the dog hearing the cries and the splashing leapt over a hedge ran down the

bank and plunged into the stream just in time to rescue the little victim wow it's nice and where's the fake naturally naturally the brave animal was made much of and the father of the child by a way of a recompense presented him a succulent beef steak yeah the dog understands what's happening he's like just you won this for saving my son he now spends his time differentiating phones two days later another was actually a veteran two days later another child fell into the water and was rescued by the dog the lifesaver received the same caresses and another beef steak okay up to this point there was nothing extraordinary but rescues became more and more frequent hardly a fucking dog pushing them into the water the dog the dog realizes that if it fucking takes a kid out of the river it gets beef positive reinforcement man it's real rescue became more and more frequent hardly a day past that someone

fortunate in the river today the dog's just sitting over near a tree just stomach up hardly a day passed that some unfortunate infant was brought safely to the bank by the dog after an involuntary bath it began to be suspected that the neighborhood was haunted by a mysterious criminal and a special watch was inaugurated yeah for sure that's what's that yeah the french detectives are like we have the only solution here is obviously we have a mad push here it is a ghost we are looking at jack the shove when the truth came out it was the dog the noble lifesaver himself that was the guilty one whenever he saw a child playing on the edge of the stream he promptly knocked it into the water and then nonetheless jumped into the rescue he thus had established himself for a profitable source of

revenue this this is arguably the smartest dog ever we've at least talked about maybe ever yeah in that oh my god think of how shitty the dude who finally got his article for my dog can hear phones in the paper and then he reads five pages down and goes what the fuck oh my god he's like and the fact that oh my god that's so fucking true he was like finally they published it did you see the end i guess there's a beef steak french dog who's been drowning kids at rescue god damn son of a bitch newfoundlands are are known to be extremely intelligent but also like stubborn and strong willed which often goes with intelligence with dogs but um yeah they're supposed to be very very smart so this one was like oh i see right away he was like oh this is

yeah this is what we're gonna do if i take a kid out of the river i get beef so oh make your own luck buddy i'm tired of waiting around for these kids to fall in the river yeah like just like when there's like two starving cartoon characters on a desert island and one of them turns into a ham every time he saw a pig it's party huh sore party of newfoundland this would be a wonderful a sequel to airbud with this would be fantastic air beef air baby fuck i mean so good uh kori great times thank you so much for joining us uh thank you all for having me i had a blast well this was fucking hilarious and uh people should go check out your special long line of stupid on amazon and uh putting on airs um that uh we're just where

podcasts are found wherever podcasts wherever podcasts are found uh and also i do bonus stuff at part-timefunnyman.com you could subscribe over there and i do silly things all right great well dude a pleasure to say the least thank you so much and uh what a what a wild ride oh my god thank you all right thanks man you'll miss me honey some of these days