The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 279 - Comanche Quanah Parker

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the first and last Comanche Chief Quanah Parker.SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Hi! You already messed up dog. What'd I do? You're saying that order. Oh I didn't do bi-weekly. No I said bi-weekly. Say it again. There's some problem. Bi-weekly American History podcast. I! Glassware, glasses wear, hat, wearer, sweetly unshaven, Dave Anthony. Reach a story from American history to his acquaintance. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become a tickly podcast. Okay. You are queen fakie of made-up town. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville! A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do what? Fray! No, I can't eat. No, I see you've done my friend. No! 1833! Bro can you give me a second to switch from show mode, show plug mode to show mode? It's not how this works. All right let's go. What year? 1833. 1833. That's what I was going to say. I should have been paying a lot of attention. Don't get all teacher-y on me. The Parker clan who were from the East Coast were offered a deal that seemed almost too good to be true. Why? This is... It's going to be good. Yeah. Quote, in exchange for meaningless promises of allegiance to Mexico, several Parker family heads were each given grants of 4,600 acres in Texas.

Okay, so they just said we... Yeah, we'll be Mexican. Now they get a bunch of land in Texas. Yeah, they're like, we'll be Mexican, we'll go to Texas and be Mexican. Sure. Texican. Texicans. It's prime real estate, lots of trees, meadowlands, springs, creeks, plenty of fish and birds, the whole deal. Sure. Boy, it sounds like a blue apron menu. It's not going to go wrong. There was one drawback. Well, Dave, let's have it. The property was on the absolute outermost edge of the Indian frontier. There's that. That seems like a bad time to be. No. Everybody's super friendly at this point. No, it seems like at this point they know the deal. No, it's going to be fine. So the Parker's built a one acre fort. Parker's is such a white name, too. This feels like a CW show. Well, this is the origin story of Peter Parker. Oh, wow. Who is Spider-Man if you guys don't know. I'm aware I used to dress up like him for kids' parties, pal, and when kids would see the skin between my suit and my glove and say, hey, I saw Spider-Man's skin, I'd simply say, I'm Peter Parker under here, guys, and it wouldn't work. Keep going. No, it's because you're blowing everything. I can't believe you did that to children. I had that done to me. So the Parker's built a one acre fort around their new homes, right? It's a big fort. Yeah. All together, the Parker family got 16,000 acres of land, which is now would be between Dallas and Austin. Okay. They were the closest white people to one of the most hostile Native American tribes, the Comanches. Okay. Your favorite. Well, I do. I mean, yeah, you know, whose side I'm with. On May 19th, 1836, 10 of 16, Parker men were out on the corn fields, which left six unarmed men, eight women, and nine children inside the fort. Okay. I feel like you're telling me that because those numbers will be important. No, I'm just going to go through different days and talk about who was where. So this is just kind of letting me know the ratio like a day sort of a journal day in the life sort of thing. Okay. Sure. Sure. Looking forward to it. A 10 in the morning, a large band of Comanches wrote up to the fort. Now this is the band the Comanches or these are the band. Okay. 48 year old Benjamin Parker walked out to meet them. They told Benjamin they wanted a cow. Okay. And good, good start to anything and directions to water. Okay. All right. So they're like, this is what we want. Right. I don't know what you're doing. Okay. Yeah.

Can we at least get a hello first? You refuse to give them a cow. Okay. Because he pushes be pushed back on the cow. Well, they're super important cows at this point. Sure. Yeah. Can't you be handing them out to any dude that maybe they were the cow man cheese. They were they were originally known as the cow man cheese. They're just living up to their name. Benjamin refused the offer. Right. Instead offered other food that they had. Okay. How about some corn? Would you like some maize? Maize, huh? Little maize for the guys. He went back to the fort to get it. While he did this, most of the other Parkers were escaping out the back. Okay. So they sense danger. Yeah. Right. When Benjamin, I mean, did they have a lot of cows? Is this just I know, I know, I assume I had some cows. But you know, back then, if you're out on the frontier, you can't just give up cows willy nilly. Right. Sure. I think that's a technical term. No, willy nilly sound. It sounds like you're from the time. Yep. So Benjamin comes back out with the food, right? Okay. And then he's surrounded and speared several times. Already. So that's not. Let me get a cow. It's not great. Let me get a cow. Hold on. The cow, the cow offer sounds better. I mean, why not just get a cow? Would you rather have all your cows or be dead and have access to no cows? I can't. Or just have the one less cow? I can't emphasize enough how important cows are. Still, you have to think when spears are going through you. You know what? I should have given up the cow. Should have given up the cow. Yeah, but hindsight, you know, hindsight's easy. Sure. The Comanches that attacked the fort killed four men and captured two women and two children, including nine year old Cynthia and Parker. Okay. Cap. Cap? Yeah, cap. By the time the armed Parker men from the fields arrived, it was too late. Hey, how's everyone been? How are you? Oh, no. Look at all the corn we have. Oh, wait, all our cows are here. Whoo. That's good. We dodged a spear.

The fort was on fire and eluded by the Comanches who had ridden off with Cynthia and her relatives. Okay. So things aren't good upon return. I mean, when you score a nine year old score. Yeah, scored. That's right. The Comanche had ruled the southern Great Plains for 150 years. Their territory covered 250,000 square miles through present-day Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, and Oklahoma. Oh, right. By the 1830s, they had conquered 22 different tribes. They controlled the buffalo and horses, which had been introduced through Mexico by the Spanish in the 1600s. Okay. The Comanches quickly mastered the horse, which allowed them to build their empire. Before horses, they were just like a sort of subdued nomadic tribe wandering about. Right. But then they got the horse powers. They know of it now. The correct term. By the 1700s, they become such fearsome fighters that they stopped the northward advance of the Spanish through Mexico. Okay. A Comanche warrior. So did the Perkers, did they, I mean, did they know this was maybe an unwise move? Yeah, I'm always sort of baffled by that. I know they were religious people and maybe they wanted to do the escaping thing, but I'm always baffled by people that are like, let's go out where the people want to kill us and set up a house. Well, they built a force. They knew it wasn't great. Yeah. You know, if you're ever moving with your family somewhere and you're building a fort, it's not a good idea. Yeah. They burn. Yeah. Well, it's burned. The only reason you build a fort is because people want to come and get you.

That's what I'm saying. No one's like, I'm building a fort because everyone's friendly. Right. Yeah. No, then you build a home. Right. So a Comanche warrior could fire a volley of arrows while riding while hanging from his horse and kill a man 30 yards away. Okay, so that a powerful position, I would say. That's not something you fuck with. Right. They were able to pick up an injured man while riding at full gallop. They were expert horse thieves and once stole 12 horses which were tied to their sleeping owners. Oh, wow. That's like high stakes operation. That's almost like a like a prank. Yeah. That's 1800s operation. If Comanches ran out of water, they would drink the stomach contents of their horse. Well, so this is what you would do with Jose. Given the opportunity. I would never drink the water content of Jose. Why? The Agua content. I would just never, I would never. Jose would want you to live. No, I'll tell you what I do. I would cut open my water content and I'd be like, drink beast, live two more days without daddy. That's not how it works. Where's my water content? The cow would be like, not milk. Instead of a bitch come back here. I cut up my water content for you.

They moved their villages as they raided. So they were hard to locate and they'd like to travel at night under movement moonlight. Okay, so they're like Navy SEALs. They're the native Navy SEALs. They're what we call old west. Navy SEALs. What is it again? Navy Native American SEALs. That was a failure. Boy, I'll tell you what though. You give me three more cracks and I'd have had something. So when the partners were attacked, the Comanches were about 5000. 5000 people. They were there were around 40,000 white settlers in Texas. The Comanches were made up of different bands and each band had a war chief and a peace or medicine chief. The band that attacked the parkers. You know who I'd be hanging out with. Oh yeah, fuck yeah. What you got there, some payotay? Well, yes, you can squirt whatever's in that frog into my mouth.

That's not. Okay. The band that attacked the parkers. Was that just water content? Yeah. It was led by a water named Pita Nakona and people are going to be like, he's Nakona. While the women were treated like slaves or ransom back to the parkers, nine year old Cynthia Ann was treated like a family by the band and she quickly integrated into Comanche society. Okay. So she's in. Right. James Parker, her uncle petitioned the president of Texas for rescue expeditions. The president of Texas?

Yeah, that's still the thing. There we go. I'm surprised that's not still. Can we go back to an era like that? But the president was like, I'm not interested. No. But then in 1838, a new president of the Republic of Texas called for, quote, an exterminating war against the Comanches and funded a 3,000 man state militia. Okay.

So. So that's some hardcore language. Yeah. And that is like now, you know, now we would call it like, you know, the conservation of Native American Act. Freeing the Native Americans from their lives. Liberating land again. A brutal war was launched against the Comanches and other tribes in East Texas. Several massacres occurred, but still most of Texas was ruled by the Comanches.

This was because whites loaded up their horses and fought mostly on foot with cumbersome rifles. Well, it sounds like from what I've heard, the Comanches are a little more prepared for something like this. A little more. Yeah, a little more on top of it. They just picked a guy up while galloping and then dropped to the ground through a spear through my friend and got back on. It's 9 p.m. The Nez Pears were the same way. They're North, Northwestern. They're from the Northwest. Oh, okay.

Native Americans up there. Right. So the Comanches would ride rings about around these people just shooting arrows and they'd be like, um, why aren't we standing and shooting? Guys, can we get some rules to play by already? The horse thing seems very wrong. Look, I'm not saying no horses, but y'all can't all be on horses. Come on. One of you got to get off and sit around.

In 1839, a group of state militia tried to sneak up on a Comanche camp on foot, leaving their horses behind. They fired on the teepees and the Comanches scattered. But instead of fleeing, they jumped on their horses and stampeded the soldiers' horses away, leaving the soldiers on foot who marched back 150 miles to camp. Oh, my God. So that's a bad plan. That's a bad plan. 150 miles.

It's a bad plan. We're not ready to walk 150 miles. That's a tough call. And you know most of the water was on the fucking horses and shit. Well, that, I mean, listen, that's when you're looking at your buddy and he's looking like nothing more than some water content. Yeah, cut that fella's stomach open. You know what I mean? I would do it for you. Get in his old WC.

His water content. Nothing. The Comanches and militia fought back and forth with massacres and attacks on settlers. Despite the back and forth, the Comanches held on to pretty much their entire territory south of the Red River in the 1840s. And April 1846, an Indian agent went to a Comanche ban to request treaty talks. Okay. These would be the first treaty talks between the Comanches and the U.S., which Texas had just become a part of. And the agent saw 19-year-old Cynthia Ann, who he had known as a child.

What have you been up to? Hey. He tried to buy her, but the ban wouldn't negotiate. Okay. I guess that's what you do. Yeah, I guess. How much for the 19-year-old woman that's white? Yeah, I don't know.

She seems like a wild one. You need to do a lot of preamble before you get into that. Oh, dear Comanches. Hey, hey. I would like that. Don't write this letter. Excuse me, would you mind if I bought that person from you? No.

No. That's how we do it. No. Don't put your nail clippings in that. So, they said she was a wife of war chief, Peter Nakona, which was the one who had, remember when she was nine, so they ended up marrying her. Okay. That happens a lot when you capture a nine-year-old. I think I'm going to go with a no comment on this.

When the agent approached... It's not normal. No. Right. It's a funny thing. Yeah. When they... How did we meet?

Well, it's a funny story. I came for a cow. I came for a cow and I got a cap, didn't I, Delface? Money. So, when the agent approached Cynthia Ann, she hid and would not talk to him. She wept at the thought of going back to Western civilization. Okay. When the agent left and soon word was out, the news became a worldwide sensation.

Okay. People were shocked that Cynthia Ann did not want to come back and that the Comanches wouldn't sell her. Okay. So, both are shocked. So, different time. Yeah. James Parker tried to negotiate to get his niece back, but was refused. Scared, Cynthia Ann and Peter fled west and joined another band.

Okay. This time, around this time, they had a son named Quenna. Quenna? Quenna. Quenna. Q-U-A-N-A. Quenna. Okay.

Quenna. Which means stink. Oh. What? Is that? Mm-hmm. Two years later, they had a second son who they named Peanuts. No.

Okay. So, all right. So... Stink! Peanuts! Come in here. Are they just having fun? What's the angle?

Well, Peanuts... Yeah. Okay. Let's talk Peanuts. Okay. Peanuts was because... Charles Schultz was the father. Why am I even reading the stories if you know them?

Okay. She loved Peanuts when she was a child. That doesn't mean you name a kid Peanuts. You don't know why. If that's how the world worked, my name would have been vodka. When you were a child? Yeah. You drank vodka as a child?

No. That's what my mother liked. Or my, you know, family drink. She's really come... She's really opening up right now. You know. I mean, maybe more red wine. I did get...

When I was like three, my mom's friend... This is insane. Fed me like a few spoonfuls of a martini. Sure, sure, sure. And my dad saw me in the yard falling over. Oh, God. He took me to the hospital. Oh, my God.

So, things are fine. England. So, right, the name of Peanut. Okay. And then stink? There's no explanation. Just goofing? Goofing.

Having a goof? Cynthia Ann and Peeta disappeared from western... Peeta and Peanuts are hanging out? Yeah. So no one knows where they are for like 12 years. Okay. About 600,000 settlers came to Texas in the 1850s. More white people came into contact with the Comanches

and hostilities increased. Okay. It doesn't sound like white people. And 1858, Peeta Nakona... Yeah. You know I'm fucking that up. Reemerged as the leader of a number of vicious raids on settlers. So he's back.

Okay. He's doing his business. Okay. In response, Rip Ford... Oh boy. So we're just really... One thing we're learning is no culture is getting names right. He took command of the Texas Rangers,

which had become a fairly shitty and weak during the 50s. Okay. Ford turned the Rangers into a skilled mounted militia using Comanche tactics. They were armed with six shooter Walker Colt revolvers. And now the Comanches face being shot at from horseback by guns. So before they were using guns, but not... Shitty guns.

Now... Shittier guns on foot. Now they're able to use better guns on horse. And a revolver they can bang out at, yeah, a bunch of shots. At Ford's first confrontation with the Comanches in 1858, the Rangers kicked off the battle of Antelope Hills when they shot a medicine man who had claimed bullets could not harm him. Well, I mean...

That's awkward. That is the most awkward way to die pretending you're fine. But anytime someone says, hey, bullets can't hurt me, you're basically saying shoot me. That's what you're asking to be shot. And your last words are, don't worry, something tells me I'm going to be A-OK tomorrow. He's dead.

Anyway, they did harm him. Who will give the dead man medicine? Really big time. They really harmed him. Yeah. He could die from his wounds. In the battle, 76 Comanches died to two Rangers, so they weren't ready for the guns.

A group led by Peter... That is a bullshit advantage. I mean, you know, like obviously the... I mean, there's really no rules in war, but it is, I mean, it's an unfair advantage. It's not great. You know? It's probably PETA, but Arrived...

You are obsessed with the name. Let it go. It's OK. So, so PETA... It's a safe place. PETA arrives and attacks, but he was forced to retreat. OK. And the Comanche Empire had been pierced for the first time.

Ford and his Rangers pushed the fight across the Red River, ambushing villages and shooting teepees. A massacre of 70 Comanches occurred. The Comanches then responded with brutal raids against settlers. OK. And in 1860, pregnant Martha Sherman was murdered by a Comanche raiding party. OK. And people freaked out.

And hundreds of settlers left the frontier. Oh, so their freakout was get out of here. Yeah. Well, once a pregnant lady goes down, everyone's like, get out of there fucking crazy. That is not how we handle today. Well, that's like fighting someone on holy ground. Like, you don't want to kill a pregnant lady.

But that's not how we handle things today. No. Now you get one of those horse shoe bouquets. Yeah. Yeah. So a group of Rangers and Army soldiers went into Comanche territory, looking for revenge. And they came across Peter, Nakona, and Cynthia Ann's band.

And he was killed. Who was killed? Peter. Oh, OK. Wow. Quenna's dad. Right. So 12-year-old Quenna and...

Friend of stink and peanuts. 12-year-old Quenna and 10-year-old Peanuts escaped. OK. So Peanuts is on the run. We got loose nuts. So Cynthia Ann is captured by the Rangers, right? She's captured by the Rangers. And they consider, at that time, being captured and living with Native Americans

is like... Like they thought that was worse than dying. They're like, that couldn't... Wouldn't you rather be dead? And the answer is like, no. No, actually returning here is the worst. Super great. You shouldn't tipis.

Yeah, everybody's like, super cool. The food's great. You chill a lot. Anyway, you should probably get a job. It's a lot of chill. You should probably get a job. Or just be a prostitute. Nah, do you see why I'm missing it?

Do you see why I'm missing it? No. I miss it for a number of reasons. But it's when you tell me my options, I say... You should be a prostitute. Right. Right. Anyways, is it better than living out there in nature?

Yeah. No, that was a nightmare. Yeah. Yep. Well... Okay, I have $5. But then I'll be back because I want to try some of this macaroni, you guys. Idiots.

Ugh. So, when they caught her, she was covered in so much buffalo grease that the Texans didn't realize she was white until they got her back at camp. Well, who has this not happened to? I assume, Hoes Drop. I can't tell you how many times. The amount of times that I've been covered in buffalo grease. Right?

Yeah. Right? And, you know, if you put enough on, you want to get it everywhere because you want the same, you know... Yeah. Equal tan. Or whatever. You know, grease yourself equally.

Yeah. Grease-eek was what we say here. So, how do you... How does buffalo grease? Like, are they... They're all just like, boy, she's shiny. Yeah. I mean...

Crazy how shiny she is, huh? She should be slippery to hold onto. She's slippery and shiny. Um, so, uh, she had a toddler with her named Prairie Flower. Okay. So, I was pretty straightforward. She's way better. Yep.

So, Diane had fully assimilated to Comanche cultures, so the white world was completely alien to her. Oh, God. She became an instant celebrity. She was put on display. What a dream. What a dream. What a dream.

So great. To go from just the most probably communal environment to one where they're like, well, go get in the glass box, sugar, people want to pay a nickel to see you. And people were shocked at the white Comanche woman who had forgotten English and proper behavior. She was uncooperative and kept running away from her family who she started moving between their different houses and she kept, you know, trying to bail. She mourned her husband by cutting herself and cropping her hair, which apparently cropping

her hair is a way to show that you're upset in that culture. Sure. Uh, so Diane seems to have accepted. Oh, did you see what she did? She's just cut her hair way down. Like a monster. She looks so different. I mean, we're taking her into the salon tomorrow, but I hardly think there's any way they're

going to be able to fix it unless there's something, you know, really light and tight. Feather it. I mean, I don't want to even feather it. What about a perm? No, a perm with it that stopped suggesting things, Debbie. I've got this figured out. I have a lot of ideas for that girl. Yeah.

Well, none of them have been good so far. So let me work on this. Perm means permanent. You are an absolute idiot. Do you know that? I like curls. All right. This is Cynthia Ann seemed to accept that she would never return to the Comanches and

she began. I mean, how unfeasible is it to return? It's just a matter of how would she, I mean, it's just a distance thing. Well, you have to steal a horse probably and then take off that she's got a baby with her. It's probably not easy. Baby's harder. She began to relearn English and became known as the best buffalo hide Tanner in the town,

which is a skill she learned as a Comanche wife. And what is that skill? That's when you that's when you turn like a wet. You turn it. Freshly wet. Into actually like a usable material, right. But in 1864, Prairie Flower died of the flu. Cynthia Ann eventually refused to eat and starved herself to death a few years later.

She never got over it. And she also never got over her other two kids being gone. I mean, she was. She lost all three. Yeah. But we were, I feel like we were, this just was her, we were seeing this through her eyes. This is not her story now. Is it my story?

She's gone. It's your story. Is it? I told you this is Peter Parker story. Right. Peter Parker. Meanwhile, Quenna. Sure.

And peanuts had fled knowing their father was dead and their mother captured. 12 year old Quenna was already a great writer and hunter, but had not yet been initiated as a warrior. The two managed to find a Comanche village and Quenna was now an orphan and had to fight for himself. Peanuts died two years later. We don't know why. We don't know what the cause was.

I assume someone cracked a shell. Good night. Good night. I mean. Good night. Dave. Good night. David.

Good night, sir. That's fair. And 1863, when he was 15 years old, Quenna became, he was large. He was like six feet tall and he became a fully initiated warrior. He was much taller and stronger than the average Comanche and he had a burning hatred for white men. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Why? Yeah. He began joining raids with his band, the Quahattis. Their early shit is so good. Their fucking first two albums are ridiculous. Really good. The Quahattis were the most violent and warlike band of the Comanche tribe and were feared

by other Comanches. Okay. That's so interesting. So this is a fucking top dog. Right. Yeah. Okay. Man, this is saying something, obviously, because according to a grandchild of Quenna,

quote, the Comanches were very hostile. They killed about everything that moved. They even practiced when they got a captive. If they captured another tribe's old women, those who couldn't have babies or help work, they used them for target practice. Oh, god. Jesus. It was very cruel because the young warriors had to prove themselves how strong they were,

whether they could kill another person or if they would have pity. They would tie them to a tree and shoot them with their spear or bow and arrow. And they would bet, they'd gamble, I bet I'd get her eyes, that sort of thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, that sort of stuff, this stuff that's adjacent to that. It's no different than like gambling on horses or whatever, except it's just eyes. So here we are again, virtually heroless. Yeah, it's not going great. The Comanches stepped up their raids during the Civil War and regained the upper hand,

right? Because the white guys are fighting each other. Okay. They're not focused on Comanches, yeah. Quenna helped his band steal horses and kill settlers. On his second raid, a group came across a company of the U.S. Army Calvary. Instead of leaving them alone, which most Comanche bands would have done, the war chief decided to steal the Calvary's 60 mules.

Okay. Boom. Bald. Fucking mule heist. That's right. You know what I'm talking about? You're damn right. It's still known as the great American mule heist.

I remember it as mule fuel. Ben Affleck's doing a movie about it. Of course he is. Except all going to have Boston accents. Dude, come on, we got to get these mules out of here. I told you, I ain't going no more. Oh shit, dude, incoming. Oh, they got us, dude.

I'm not going to forget you, Mark. I'm not going to forget you. Mark. Okay. So they did and Quinoa was given the responsibility of leading the mules while the Quahattis held off the Calvary. Quinoa drove the mules through the night and arrived at a Comanche camp to great fanfare. They're like, you fucking mule bringer.

On November 12th, 1864, four days after Abraham Lincoln's re-election, the Army sent Colonel Kit Carson to lead a force against the Comanche. I'm Kit. They leave this part out of Lincoln's, the history of Lincoln? Yeah, they're like, and then he sent guys to kill the bunch of Indians. So weird. Kit Carson was a national hero written about in dime novels for his scouting and trapping skills.

Earlier that year, he had forced 7000 Navajos onto a reservation. Lincoln had several Native American wives and was fluent in different Native languages. This is an interesting twist. Yeah, that's a twist, right? He's got a machete. Sure. He's playing the field. Well, it sounds almost not like it shouldn't be happening.

It sounds weird that a woman... I mean, literally, so he is sleeping with the enemy. Well, they also sound slightly captured or... Oh, so it's... I don't know. Why would a guy like that? Why would a woman... Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that's, I mean, it's hard enough for me to put myself into a woman's headspace in this world, let alone this situation. I'm just... He's my husband, because he said so. Yeah, yeah. Love is hard to understand. Sure. Yeah.

It's super complicated when love is forced. Yeah. Changes the vibe. So Kit Carson led 400 men into the heart of Comanche territory. They brought with them two Howitzers. Oh, okay. I was going to ask if they brought the Howitzers. And they did?

Yeah. Okay, good. It was basically like a cat and cross with a shotgun. It's a sweet fucking... They found a large Comanche camp, known as Adobe Walls. It had previously been blown up by the people who live there to prevent a takeover by Comanches. So it used to be a place, like a Howitzers thing, and then instead of leaving it for Comanches, they just blew it up or torched it or whatever.

And now it's just walls. Okay. And the Comanches were like, oh, that's cool. That'll do. I like walls. Hey, walls will do. Better than no walls. You know what I'm saying?

That's what I'm saying, bro. Pound it. Peanuts. Pound it. Okay, so Kit Carson confronted 1,600 Comanches and started firing the Howitzers. And the Comanches took off, terrified by the insane new... Yeah, well, someone invented shotgun cameras. This is not what we expected.

Oh, damn it. But rather than pursuing them, Carson told his men to take a break. Chill. Nice work, everybody. That's an order. Nice work, everybody. Anybody who's not chilling is disobeying a direct order from Kit. Chill.

Can I do push-ups? God damn it, if you do one push-up, I'm going to shoot you in your head. This is chill time. Guys, this is what I like to call a bit of a jam pad. Okay. All right? So, 30 minutes after he told everybody to take a break, the Comanches regrouped and then started shooting at the soldiers.

Okay. The Comanche had a bugle player who would blow the reverse of the Army bugler. Now, Dave, I didn't want to take a side, but you forced me to. The nerve. When the Army bugler sounded advance, the Comanche bugler would sound retreat. That is so genius. It's the best thing ever. I mean, there's your loophole in your bugle plan, fellas.

And guess what? They got a guy with a bugle too, and he knows your two songs. He knows go and retreat. Yep. The US soldiers couldn't stop laughing. I mean, you have a bugle battle going on. It's the best bugle battle ever. What should we do?

I'm pulling hamstrings from going back and forth. Have you seen bugle off on Comedy Central? It's a good show. It's fucking great. To counter the Howitzers' effectiveness, the Comanches spread out. And more Comanche warriors arrived. Kid Carson was now facing at least 2,000 Comanche warriors. Does he regret his half hour off?

I feel like he's like, I made a bad choice. Half hour to do what? Yeah. You know what? My part that was hubris. Now I look back. Ah, here it is, hubris. The Comanches started to surround Carson, so he used the Howitzers to hold them off, but

he was running out of shells and rifle ammo. That's not a good position to be in. And he gave the order to retreat. Okay. Wow. Yeah, they turned it around. Yeah. The Comanches chased him for four days, but Carson's army escaped, barely avoiding a massacre.

The press had assumed that the recovery of Cynthia and Parker meant the Comanches were a spent force. Okay. But this new battle proved that was not at all true. Clearly. Now the Comanches now owned about 15,000 horses and had stolen around 300,000 cattle during the Civil War. Oh, man.

That's a lot of cows to eat. That's a lot. That's so much eating. I mean, I'm surprised they're not super fat. Yeah. But what they would do is they would steal the cattle, and then they would sell them to government traders in New Mexico who would sell them to the army. Well, I mean, boy, at that.

And then they would take the money. My arms were hostage situation. Well, then they would take the money that they got from the stolen cows that they sold the army, and they would buy guns and ammunition, which they would then use against settlers in the army. Isn't this our foreign policy? I just described Syria. Yeah, honestly.

Yeah. Well, that won't backfire. Except in this situation, the cows have guns and start a new group and come at us. Oh, fuck. The cows have guns. Oh, god. Quenna began to make a name for himself as a leader. He would torture himself to prove he could stand greater pain than anyone else.

That's a weird, a weird move. Been there. Have you? Nope. Okay. Once he wrapped himself in a raw buffalo hide and did not eat or drink for two days. So he's like the David Blaine of the group. Yeah.

I think that's what I'm saying. Right. And I'm. Are you picturing it? Yeah, I'm picturing it. And I'm also saying to myself, isn't that just a fast? The weird. Yeah.

But he's inside a buffalo hide. Okay. So the hide began to, he's in the hot sun. So the hide begins to dry up and draw and get smaller and it would crushing his body. So it's like. So he's now basically like in a python throat of hide. Well, he may, I don't know about a python throat, but he made a, he made a shrinking clam situation out of Buffalo.

That's kind of what I would imagine being eaten like a snake would be like. So he's just now, he's gone from like a roomy hide to now literally being cocoon. Yeah. Which is very painful. But he was stood the torture and his grandson said, quote, by doing things like this to test himself, he proved he could be a leader or, or counterargument that guy's crazy and shouldn't lead. Maybe.

I mean, he sounds a little bit like Wim Hof to me, but we don't need to dip too far into who he is. Well, let's not do that. Everyone's Googling right now. You gotta Google Wim Hof. Around 1868 when Quenna was 20, he's only 20. Good God. Yeah.

His writing party had a large herd of stolen horses that they were moving across land when they were intercepted by soldiers. The chief was killed and the warriors started to flee, but Quenna took over and charged it a soldier, shooting him with an arrow, then dropped behind his galloping horse for protection from gunfire and safely got away. Horses and all. That is such a crazy move. Yeah.

That he drops behind the horse for cover. Yeah. That's such, I mean, that really is. You're like, well, I didn't know we were dropping behind ponies. That night he was chosen as the new leader. Why? I can't. Is there a rationale?

Nope. They don't go into it. Did Russia influence it? Yes. I knew it. So then he looked for the second wife, but because her father did not approve of his white blood. Right.

Oh, okay. He's getting it on both ends. He had also already promised his daughter to another man, so he wasn't down. So when, when... It's cool to promise daughters. It's hard. But you got to do it. Oh, sorry.

I already committed you to another man. Huh? I've committed you to another man. I'm in love. Not with him. So when he, so when he eloped, he took a band of warriors with him. Okay. So it's like a bachelor party slash marriage.

Sure. It's a stagnant. Yeah. They stole horses all over Texas and in just over a month, Quinn built an army of several hundred men and hundreds of horses. So he's fucking killing shit. He's just killing it. Yeah.

It sounds almost like the horses know what's going on. Yeah. I'll go with you. Let's go. I like Quinn up. He quickly became so powerful that he was able to make a deal to return to the Comanche band and was appointed war chief of the Quahattis ahead of the man who was supposed to marry his wife.

So that guy... I had to settle. That guy is having a shit fucking month. Trust me. Quinn is not as cool as you think. You ended up with the right guy. Hmm. My name's Ray and I'm pretty, pretty good at fighting battles too.

So I'm not going to be a dud when it comes to that. I can't actually drop behind the horse. I can't ride a horse, but I think you'll find I'm pretty shrewd when it comes to... Would you like a drink? No. Perhaps some... Yes. Sex?

No. Please? No. My name's Ray. I know. I heard. I'm good. In 1867, the US government adopted what was called the peace policy toward the Native Americans

of the Western Plains. Why? I mean, I'm so shocked to hear of such a thing. The policy was created by President Grant and his Quaker advisors who believed Native Americans needed to be protected from white settlers. Wow. That is good. Nations run by missionaries were created for tribes to move to and become assimilated

to civilized ways. Okay. How... Okay. You know. Break them. Break them. Ultra interns?

Yeah. No. It's like learn how to play football and yeah. Man, I said blue 32 WZP9 bumblebee right. You got to go across the slam when I tell you to do that. If they got a nickel packaging and I'm telling you to run one of those bumblebees, you got to zip in and then the whole thing is I'm going to throw it before you make that turn. Run that slant.

Are you all this stupid? It's a complicated offense, chief. Okay. Come on. Get in the huddle. I'm not actually chief, by the way. I just... I'm not a chief.

I'll admit I was wrong to assume. I... Okay, president. Boy, we're a real odd couple. I swear. I'd like to spear you in the eye. That's a very Oscar angle. I think we have our Felix.

Me. In 19... Oh, sorry. In 1867, the Treaty of Medicine Lodge gave the Comanchees a reservation of 2.9 million acres. Okay. The original homeland had been over 200 million acres. Right.

So it's less. Hold on. Yeah, get some... Do you mind if I do a little mathematics? Get a pen and pen. Yeah, no. Grab something to add it with. So that is actually...

Uh-huh. Just go ahead and... ...carry the eight. Calculate that. A shit load less, it says. That's all... Yeah, it's a bit less. Okay.

Just a tiny bit less. Okay. Uh, wary of the technological advanced army, uh, the tribes agreed, many. But not all. Okay. A third of the Comanchee bands were not represented at the talks because they saw reservations as the end of their existence. Okay.

The Quahattis were one tribe that did not sign the treaty. The only one or one? One of. One of. Okay. Of the 4,000 Comanchees still in existence, in 1867, 3,000 moved to the reservation, 1,000 refused, including the Quahattis. The Indian office that managed reservations was insanely corrupt, if you can believe that.

Shocker. The skimmed off supplies meant for the Comanchees, which led to food shortages and poor supplies. Native Americans started leaving the reservation to join the Quahattis and raids restarted. Okay. By... Yeah. I mean, it really... I can't believe that didn't work out.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, you know, I think we think that if we give a terrible option, then we can give a shitty one. Yeah. Instead of being like, here's a palace. Yeah. Here's a plate of shit.

Here's a thimble of it. By 1869, around 900 Comanchees lived on the reservation compared to 3,000 two years before. In 1869, the Transcontinental River was completed, which increased the cattle trade and brought buffalo hunters to the plains. 31 million buffalo were killed over 13 years between 1868 and 1881. Oh my God. So hot, right? So hot?

Like sexy. I'm just thinking about how rad it is to kill a buffalo with a gun and then just turn around and kill another one. Turn around and kill another one. How many? Turn around and kill another one. 31 million, did you say? Yeah.

31 million. 31 million. Yeah. But they're just animals. You know what I mean? They're not. Oh, no. We survived.

We survived that one. We survived a drop. They're not white guys. Huh? You don't want to talk about your drop. The mic drop. No, it's fine. Oh, good.

Yeah. It is. It's all happening. This is what ruined the Revenant recording though. Oh, fuck. And it was my bad. Okay, that's a lot of buffalo that got killed. I mean, 31 million is a big number.

Yeah. If you're, you know, counting. Yeah. That's a lot of bullets. If you're counting? It's at least 31 million bullets. Probably a lot more. Yeah.

That is crazy though. I just watched that movie, Oakja, today. Oh, you saw that. Was it good? It's great. It really ruined me. Oh, well, that's. But it's good.

Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy. So obviously killing all this buffalo led to even more violence with the Native Americans who were like, oh, that's our food. We just do those one at a time. Well, we know who invented overharvest.

The Buffalo Hunters were targeted by the Comanches at what was called the Salt Creek Masker in 1871. One observer said seven men were filled with so many arrows, they looked like porcupines. Well, they. That I'm not. It's a lot. You know what? No way.

They were as cute. But I'm still on the side of the Comanches on that one. I come down. It. Yeah. I mean, yeah, when it comes to this Buffalo genocide, yeah, yeah, the the men were also beheaded, scalped, had their had their brain scooped out, and that's a bizarre. And appendages like their dicks and fingers cut off and stuck into their mouth.

Oh, God, what just happened? Good God. This is who you're rooting for. Oh, yeah. I'm not rooting against them at all. Still for. But it's weird to put. I mean, for the last thing for someone to do to scoop my brain out and make sure the

last thing in my head is my dick. That's bold. Well, are you against someone making a point? I think I'm against. I mean, it just here's one way to keep the your dick out of your mouth. Don't kill as many Buffalo true, but look, yes, I agree. We have our villain. We just we're just sort of having some hero issues.

Well, right? Okay. Yeah, we're going through a bit of a gray period with a little bump when they're putting figures and dicks and mouths after scooping brains out. Why do you scoop brains out? Is there a rationale? Just to put a nice hole. But I mean, that has to be like that has to be connected to some.

I'm sure. Yeah, no. No, no, no, watch. Oh, it happened again. Why does this keep fucking? Because your cords all tied up. I'm going to leave it there. All right.

Fine. Leave it there. Yeah. How did we survive two of those? It is all tied up. All right. All right. So so they do that to those fellows.

Okay. So those guys, they're not having a good, a good run. Yeah. Now, with the Civil War, the Union over the civil with the Civil War over the Union started to focus on the Comanche situation. General Sherman believed Indian raid stories in Texas were exaggerated. Okay. But after the Salt Creek massacre, he changed his mind.

Those aren't just tall tales. Yeah. They put dicks in what? Well, I'll be. I'll tell you, that is what we like to call a bold way to exit. We are all baffled by the fallatio that the deceased was forced to perform upon himself. But I still think it was mildly exaggerated. I mean, not all the men chewed their own dicks and fingers.

And some of them had their brains inside still. What? Huh? Huh? Daddy, I just asked for a bedtime story. Oh, uh, there was a man who had a stick. Oh boy. I just, I've had a few too many men chewed their dicks in the man's hand.

Well, a bunch of guys got the, you know, brain scooped out and the dicks put them out. Yeah. All right. Let's out, kiddo. How many candles do you have lit? It's a big room, Junior. So, obviously turning men into beheaded porcupines with dicks in their mouths changed everything. And General Sherman ordered the army to wage merciless warfare against Indians in Texas

and elsewhere. The Quaker peace policy was over. All right. Now, Ronald McKenzie was picked by Sherman to implement a policy of extermination. The Comanche called him bad hand because of a hand that had been shattered during the Civil War. Well, and an ego that had been shattered by the nickname. Thank you. In October 3rd, 1871, McKenzie led a very determined but very naive force of 600 men to find.

Naive is not a good description for whatever's going on. To find the Quahattis. They were armed with Spencil rifles, which was the only repeating rifle at the time. And the Comanche had single shot muskets. Yeah, it's a bad. Bringing muskets to a gunfight. McKenzie used scouts and other tribes to track the Quahattis. They traveled well beyond civilization, even though they were very inexperienced on the

planes. On their first night, they camped between a large buffalo herd and its water source, which ended. Dave, may I guess how that ends? Okay. Poorly. Well, a stampede. Oh, is that right?

I'm thirsty. No, I'm thirsty. And then they all run for it. I mean, even I, if I were put in nature, would simply go. Oh, this is a conflicted zone to be in. No, they might want that water. They're going to get behind them. So they narrowly escaped by screaming and waving their blankets at the thousands of charging

beasts. Well, everyone knows the best way to diffuse a stampede is when a blanket waving. Yeah, blankies. On the second night, Mackenzie ordered a night march, hoping to surprise the Quahattis. Boy, white men owe a lot to blankets. It's an important thing. It seems it's a weird quirk. Yeah, he's having at your backpack.

Let me just chew at my backpack. He's really, he's up. He's been out for most of this one, but now he's up. He's clearly chewing it. He's just going to eat it. Okay. Eat that backpack, Kat. That's on his way watchers.

So they reached a favorite Quahatti camping ground, only to realize they had been watched by Comanches the entire time. Man, that's tough. It turns out Mackenzie. Tough feeling. Damn it. Oh, boy. Well, we're certainly not a step ahead.

Well, I guess my brains are scooped out over here. Is it just me or do you miss the stampede? Mackenzie lit campfires the entire time, which was basically the ultimate giveaway. Like again, that seems so rudimentary. Yeah, it's not. It's not. At midnight on the third day, the Comanches rode at full gallop towards the sleeping army. But the army was confused when they weren't attacked, only to realize that the warriors

were stampeding their horses. Man, they really do like to go for the transpose. They love getting rid of the horses. They love to get the cars towed. Yeah. Mackenzie lost 66 of his best horses, but they still had a cavalry unit. Who pursued the Comanche right into an ambush led by Quenna. Oh, wow.

He must have just been like, everyone watch out for my drool. It's like, yeah, how this is weird how easy it is. This was the first time Army Captain Robert Carter got a glimpse of Quenna, quote, a large and powerfully built chief led the bunch on on a black coal racing pony. Yeah, leaning forward upon his main, his heels nervously working the animal side with six shooter poised in the air. He seemed the incarnation of savage, brutal joy. His face was smeared with black war paint, which gave his features a satanic look outside

of the last part. Everything else. I mean, even the last part, honestly, there's also pretty bad. Maybe he's supposed to look badass. Yeah. It sounds like, I mean, that sounds terrifying. So the soldiers all retreated and Quenna charged after. I was going to say my gut says he's going to keep going.

Armed with a pair of revolvers. He rushed toward a private Greg, whose horse was lagging behind. Oh, no. This is like one of those African animal shows. This is exactly when the cheetah is trying to get down the antelope. Yeah. And then the one falls behind and that's it. But sometimes that works out.

Sometimes not. Quenna zigzagged in front of Greg. So his fellow soldiers could not shoot him without shooting Greg. So it's the same move. Sure. Right. I said before. Gotcha.

When he was a few feet from Greg, he blew his brains out, then turned around and galloped away. So it's called making a point. I think that's safe to say he made it. He made a point. Mackenzie's army pursued Quenna and Quenna pushed his group into a storm of rain, sleet and snow with winds up to 50 miles an hour. So this was before the U.S. mailman?

Because he just hit every quite impossible. Quenna decided to give up the pursuit because of the storm and he made camp. The Quahattis pushed on. The next day, Mackenzie came across two Comanches who fought with him. Mackenzie was shot with an arrow that pierced bone. Good lord. He returned home having un... Arrows are brutal.

Yeah, they're not great. He returned home having unsuccessfully pursued pursuing the Quahattis for 40 miles with no success. Okay. In 1872, Mackenzie came again and this time discovered the route the Comanches used to move their stolen cattle from Texas to New Mexico. And over a few months, he learned the entire layout of the area, its water sources, and how to survive thunderstorms, bugs and fires.

Amazing as men were now experienced. So he went next time. He was like, how about I figure all this shit out and then I'll go do the... Interesting to do homework. Yeah. Now. In September, 1872, Mackenzie's force ambushed a village of mixed Comanche bands, killing 50 and capturing 120 mainly women and children.

He only lost two men. They destroyed the village and took 3,000 horses. But Mackenzie did not guard the horses and the Comanches just came and took them in the night. Oh man. That was a bummer. You know? When you like...

You wake up when you like... Woo! Who got one over him? Wake up the next morning. Man, what a day! Where are the horses? Where are they? Hello.

Damn it. But still, the army was now on the front foot and the Comanche bands were becoming less clearly defined. The reservation life for the Comanche meant eradicating their free range hunting and warring native culture, turning them into farmers. Many abandoned their annual buffalo hunts and instead got government rations of beef, sugar, flour and coffee. Oh.

Okay. They're like, what if you guys were fat? Have you considered being fat? Do you want to have the white man's fatness? Look at what's around me right here. Do you think I get cold in the wintertime? You ever hear the expression hot dog on a stick? It's like carrot, but better to run for.

But you won't be running. You'll be laying. And the stick's long. And so is the string. It's basically just a unique way to eat a hot dog on your back. I don't think I like your culture. Well, I've not found out about deep fried, my man. So the Comanches started, so they're like their old ways are going away because of the

condition. Sure. That's the idea. Other tribes began joining the Comanches, yeah, of course. The Comanches started wearing feathered headdresses instead of their traditional black buffalo wool cap. And with the buffalo being slaughtered on a commercial scale, within two years they were basically wiped out in Texas and food became short.

Starvation and alcoholism hit. The Comanches were forced to eat their horses. They were being forced to eat their identity, the end of their world seemed close. Now a 23-year-old medicine man came along to give them hope. There's a name I'm going to fuck up. His name was Esatai. Esatai. I-S-A-T-A-I.

I-S-A-T-A-I. I-S-A-T-A-I. I-S-A-T-A-I. I-S-A-T-A-I. I-S-A-T-A-I. I would be Issa. Issa. I mean, I don't know.

I mean, that's close. Who gives a shit? I mean, it is like, I mean, you know. Well then I'll tell you what his name means. Okay. Coyotes vagina. Okay. All right.

Well now we're going to need to get it right because this is a term I plan on using a lot. Wait. His name is seriously Coyote vagina? Yeah, it's something to call him from now. That's what it means. Coyotes vagina. Coyotes vagina. Yeah.

I mean, you're trying to think of the naming process? Obviously, I'm starting to try to figure out the naming process. Maybe he looked like a coyote's vagina when he was born. Probably not. You know, the truth, honestly, what it has to be is that it just sounds funny in our terms and there's like a spiritual connection like peanuts and coyote vagina. But that sounds like a comedy writer. So the medicine man said he was bulletproof and able to control the elements.

Much like a coyote vagina. So he made arrows appear in his hand using sleight of hand, he claimed he could belch up bullets and cartridges and then re swallow them. He correctly predicted the disappearance of a comet in 1873 and also correctly predicted a drought that year, predictions that solidified his status as a miracle worker, profit and medicine man. Okay. So he's killing it.

Clearly. His and it's a spreading the word of his whatever the fuck it is throughout the Comanches and other tribes. When he went on preaching tours, Quenna would go with him together, the two men became a formidable team, the magic man and the tough guy. They whipped up a frenzy of vengeance. Quenna still wanted revenge for the death of his father and the capture of his mother. In May, coyote vagina, but I'm going to call him that brought all the Comanche bands together

for a Sundance. This was the first time this had happened in history. He and Quenna proposed a large scale raid against white men and half of the bands agreed. Okay. A force of 250 warriors was led by Quenna and they decided to target Buffalo hunters. In the early hours of June 26, 1874, they descended on a group of 28 Buffalo hunters who were at a saloon. But the whites had already been warned and the hunters were holed up in the saloon.

Three whites were killed at the beginning, but the hunters repelled Quenna's warriors with their Buffalo guns, which were accurate from three quarters a mile away. One minor thing is that it does show the love of alcohol we have to think that you get a heads up and you're still like, well, let's get around to wings and around to pictures and you know, then we'll prep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could probably just stay here. I mean, those three guys probably, I mean, maybe they were going to die anyway, but certainly

at at least one of them had the final words. Well, it's happy hour. One of them final words were worth it. Right. Worth it. Worth it. Let me know how the nachos are. So the bulletproof coyote vagina had his horse shot from under him.

Quenna was also wounded and had to be dragged to safety. The the Native Americans were treated about 15 warriors were killed and many were wounded. His vagina tried to absolve himself of the blame for the defeat by claiming that his magic had been weakened before the battle. When one of the Cheyenne violated a sacred taboo by killing a skunk. Well, we didn't know that you had a skunk loophole. You I mean, you're just I shouldn't have to say that not to kill the skunk. I didn't see what you this is literally what you said to us coyotes vagina, which I should

have been suspect about from the get you know, you know, I go by CV, CV, stop it. What I should have known from the beginning, if there was a skunk killing problem, you should have let us know because then nobody would have killed skunks. It's always been a rule. It's always been a rule. Well, that's a rule that nobody knows. Nobody knows that. Are there any more rules we should know about with you?

Who kills a skunk before you go on a raid? Who does that? Who has a loophole where a skunk death ruins you? You said you were bulletproof. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Okay. If there are any more, by the way, I didn't get shot.

My horse did. I'm aware that your horse is dead and you maybe it bounced off me and hit my horse. Do you ever think about that? I did not ever think about that because the whole time you've just been talking about a skunk death. Which you killed, by the way, which caused my horse to die. You basically killed my horse. Just give a heads up next time.

I shouldn't have to do that. Just a heads up next time. It's all I'm asking for. You just don't sit here and Monday morning quarterback what happened there because a skunk is dead. Okay. Are there any other small friendly animals you want to kill before we do? What happens if I step on a mouse?

What does that do? Depends. Are you magic still? It depends what we're doing at the time. Are we moving? Okay. If you're moving teepees, don't step on a mouse, the teepee will burn down. The teepee will burn down if it moves.

Can you get this stuff out on the goddamn table with us next time? Why? Because none of us know that when a skunk dies, you become powerless. Why? We didn't know your kryptonite was a skunk hearts non-beats. So when I came down from the mountain with the tablets, with the 10 rules written on them, was that not, why did you not? I'm starting to doubt a lot of those rules.

I'm starting to doubt a lot of those rules. Okay. Because they seem crazy then and they seem crazier now. Well when a guy digs up some gold plates in a couple of years. What do you got? Gold plates or tablets? Coyotes, vagina, you're all over the map right now. Or is that just the symptom of what a bird has a seizure?

So the Cheyennes took the accusation that it was all their fault for killing the skunk. Not well. So this is skunk gate? Yeah, this is skunk gate. Not well, especially the dog soldiers and they responded by beating Coyote vagina severely. He was discredited and publicly humiliated. It was a crushing moral defeat for Native Americans. It's tough when you realize your leader's full of shit.

But Quina kept going and raided with smaller groups and estimated 190 white settlers were killed in the summer of 1874 and many more fled. Quina had got revenge and instilled fear across the frontier. The government was done. Front fear. Keep going. The government was done with this. President Grant put the reservations under military control and ended the peace policy.

By 1874 there were only 3,000 Comanches in the world, 2,000 who chose to live on the reservation and 1,000 to fight. Led by Quina, they hid in a deep canyon in August of 1874, the full force of the U.S. Army was brought to subdue the last Comanches. Mackenzie's cavalry was now hardened, experienced and well driven. They found the main Comanche camp and surprised them. The Comanches retreated and as usual Mackenzie destroyed the village. Learning from his past, Mackenzie ordered 1,000 captured horses to be shot.

Oh my God. That's a lot of horses, just the smell. This was a devastating blow. The Comanche warriors were now on foot. They soon surrendered and returned to reservations except Quina and his band who were not involved in the battle and did not surrender. They played cat and mouse with the army for 6 more months. In March 1875 Mackenzie sent a delegation to the Quahattis to pursue Quina to surrender.

Surprisingly, Quina agreed. He saw the omens and they were bad and on June 2nd, 1875, 407, Quahattis arrived at their reservation and surrendered their horses and weapons. Quina was now just 27. Oh my God. I mean what did you do before you were 27? Not anything near this. Again, I was dressed up as Spider-Man.

He was the toughest Comanche of his generation. He was positive about the future, believing that he could advance his people's cause. He saw that making himself valuable to the white man might allow him to help his people. Quina made a point of being outgoing and helpful to whites. Wow. Mackenzie admired his skills. The two men became close friends and- Oh my God. Why not?

Awkward. Uh, old stink in bad hand? Yeah. Stink in bad hand. Uh, together we are bad stink hand. No I am bad stink hand. No, don't do, oh this is another us moment, oh this is us. The two men became close friends and Quina learned the ways, the white ways from Mackenzie.

He transitioned seamlessly from living as a nomad to operating in the alien world of industrial America. Wow. Quina gained the favor of Mackenzie and the military by rounding up renegade Comanches who had left the reservation and authorized hunting missions, uh, and, uh, so basically guys who had left the reservation were hot but didn't come back. Right. Um, he earned- But what do you do when you find them?

Well, he was just, he would either round them up or point them out to someone else who would round them up. Okay, so it was a rounding up, not an execution? No, not killing them, just bringing them back to the reservation. Uh, he earned the gratitude of his tribe when he persuaded Mackenzie not to imprison these men. Okay. Quina was also a shameless self-promoter.

His inherent leadership qualities also caught the eye of reservation agent James Haworth. Reservation agent? Yeah. Every reservation had an agent, like a guy in charge of it. Right, okay. That, no they're not. Look, Quina. CVS is super excited about this fish out of water story you're working on.

Okay. Uh, right now we've got some great people attached. Yeah. Um, we really think, oh, we need, we don't even need to see a script. This is a blind deal. It's not. So let's just get this, you know, let's get the script, Quina. Yeah, it's not that good.

And I think we'll, you know, have a good time. It's not that kind of agent. Uh, okay. Uh. I gotta take this. Okay. Uh, so. It's a letter.

Yep. So, uh, Quina Parker gained respect and power on both sides and became widely recognized as the leader of the reservation while cattle, uh, white cattle farmers had been using reservation land to graze their herds since, uh, they were created and Quina worked out a way to use this to his people's advantage by creating protection rackets. Okay. The farmers who paid the most were safe from attack and got to use the land. So this is the mafia.

He's, it's a racket. He's doing. This is the mafia. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Hey, no, nothing's going to happen to your cow. What's going to happen to your cow? Hey, Quina didn't see nothing, baby.

This provided extra meat, uh, for people on the reservations and cows for Quina. Uh, this. Cow for Quina is a great charity. I donate to that. A great what? Charity. There it is, took a minute. This system turned into.

You held it in. They did this. Jose is dangerously close to wires. Oh, he's really grabbing the wire. Uh, this system turned into leasing arrangements in 1884, which Quina lobbied for. He becomes so influential, influential that the cattle companies were paying him to lobby for these leasing arrangements and he believed making money off the land was best for his tribe.

But he was now playing the white man's game. Wow. So weird. He's fucking smart. The leases created jobs and wealth for Native Americans and increased Quina's power within 10 years of working with the white man. He created a power base for himself and had ownership of over 500 cattle. It's really crazy.

He became a cattle supplier to his own people in 1888. He was granted 40,000 acres, most of which he leased. He was also appointed as judge of the court of Indian offenses and dispensed justice. Nice. Quina was still dressed in traditional buffalo, buffalo hide clothing and kept his hair long, which was frowned upon by white authorities who saw it as a rebelliousness. He managed to convince the government to help him build a lavish house, which he called Star House.

Star House. Quina, we just closed in on Star House. We're ready. CBS is very excited. Finished in 1890, it had 10 finally dressed rooms with 10 foot ceilings in the shadow of the Wichita Mountains. Quina now had nine wives. Wow.

Quina is really going big. He's in the white man game. He's seriously in the white man game. Polygamy was a promatic way of hiring more labor out on the planes, but Quina accumulated wives now because he could. Government officials continually harassed him about his polygamy. He had a total of 19 children. That's a good amount.

The Star House was surrounded by the teepees of those in need. OK. And Quina never turned anyone away. His private cattle herd was the main source of food for these people. This is a really weird scene. Yeah. Super fucking weird. Yeah.

I mean, yeah. He hosted parties and had a constant stream of guests, including generals he had fought against, the British ambassador, and he hired a white woman to teach his wives how to cook. Now a famous advocate for Native American rights. He made frequent trips to Washington, D.C. While in the capital, he dined with one man who asked him how the white man had pushed them off the land, and Quina sat beside him and slid along and said, move over each time. And when the man fell off, Quina said, like that, oh, oh, Quina.

Yeah. Yeah. Jeez. Hey, now. Oh, I get it. I get it. In 1898, Quina appointed himself principal chief of the Comanches, which he put on his letter.

There had never been a chief of the whole tribe before. He negotiated. And he just sort of said he was sad. He said he was sad. He said, God, miss now. Right. Well, it's on the letterhead. Right.

Well, look. I mean, if anyone has a question, look at the letterhead. Yes. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty obvious. Clearly wouldn't happen if it wasn't on the letterhead. That's my role. He negotiated land grants for people, gaining them three times more land than the government

initially offered, mainly by driving up, giving up much of his own land. The Comanches became property owners and lived off these lease payments. But this was the government's aim to suppress the warrior in them by making them farmers. And in 1892, Quina signed the Jerome Amendment that broke up the reservation. The Comanches were split into two factions. Those who realized that all that could be done had been done for the Indians, and those who blamed Chief Parker for selling their country. Quina became friends with Teddy Roosevelt.

Of course. Of course he did. Bulley, Quina, bully! Roosevelt told him that the US law said he could only have one wife, and that he would have to... And the other eight go to me, Quina, bully. And they have to get rid of the other eight. Quina replied, quote, OK, fine.

You tell the other eight wives. This is like a hardcore bachelor. Eight of you are not going to get roses. All nine wives went to the White House with Quina later to visit Roosevelt. He even rode in an open car at Roosevelt's inaugural parade in 1905, clad in buckskin and wearing a feathered headdress. Acquiring a tenth. When Roosevelt came out west, Quina took him on a wolf hunt and hosted him at the Starhouse.

Oh, I bet he loved that. Oh, God. Boy, Quina, I got to get myself a Starhouse someday, Quina. He revived the use of peyote amongst plains Indians. Well, Dave, any issue I've had with him is out the window. And presided over all night healing rituals. I mean, I would definitely be on this land. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be in an air TNP. It spread to other tribes and Native Americans across America. He came under criticism for his involvement in these rituals and defended his religion by saying the white man goes into his church and talks about Jesus, but the Indians goes in. The Indian goes into his teepee and talks to Jesus. Boy, I like this man.

He had to fight to keep prosecutors away from his peyote cult and started suffering financial problems. Several of his wives left him. In 1909, Quina went in search of his mother's grave. When it was found, he lobbied Congress to have it moved to Oklahoma and got a law passed to do this. In 1910, Quina appeared at the Quino Route Day at the Texas State Fair to promote the Quina Acme and Pacific Railroad, which ran through the town of Quina.

What? What? It's like Trump. It's Quina everything. He's killing it. He likes his name. Whoever wanted to miss a chance for self-promotion, he made a speech which began, ladies and gentlemen, I used to be a bad man.

Now I am a citizen of the United States. I pay taxes same as you people do. We are the same people now. He then went on to talk about us the good old days. At no point did he mention his career as a raider or killer of white people. Quina Parker died of rheumatism-induced heart failure on February 23, 1911. He had been on his way back, he had been on his way to a peyote cure before he died. Hundreds gathered at Starhouse the next morning and there were 2,000 gathered by noon.

He had a few hundred dollars in the bank. There were no more chiefs after that. They were instead replaced by committee of membered tribes. Wow, well another crazy one. That's crazy. It is so, yeah, I don't know, like the concessions that are forced to be made of people to acquiesce to your culture is such a bizarre process and such even a hard thing to believe that it's possible.

In this story, I mean, it's essentially you create no other option and then some people embrace it, I guess. I don't know if embrace it, but I think he sought for what it was and was like, okay, so this is the ridiculous system they've created which is very easy to exploit. Right. So he kind of agreed to the compromise so that he was like, is it more that he's trying to kind of bridge the gap or more that he saw an opportunity personally? It's more that he was trying to bridge the gap.

I think both. I think that he saw a way to be a leader and also that guy that everyone went to, but at the same time, he's helping people with all the leasing and all that shit. Crazy. Yeah, that's crazy. A little bit of both. I mean, look, most leaders are crazy, like all of our fucking presidents are nuts like that.

Yeah. It takes a lunatic to want to lead people. No. Well, and I mean, yeah, there's certainly a lot of ego attached to anything where you want to be at the top of a hierarchy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, basically he was taking-

Because most of us just sit there and go, well, I can't do it. I mean, he was taken out of a communal system and thrown into capitalism and he completely took advantage of it because it was clearly fucking ridiculous. Right. But he found a good way. Yeah, he did. Well, sweet quina. I hope you're happy.

I'm happy. You getting your shoes on already? You want to get out of here that fast? I think he's a fuck out of here. It's really, I mean, don't you want to chill? Jose's almost on the recording equipment again, officially. He's up to something. All right.

We signed Dave's shoes. We're on him.