The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 286 - Josiah Harlan (Live in Philly)

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Philadelphia great Josiah Harlan. The sound is bad for the first 25 minutes due to venue screw up. SOURCES Based on "THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING - The First American in Afghanistan" By Ben Macintyre TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. You're listening to the dollar!

This is a five-weekly American history podcast each week. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom. Picture taker, pork, colorepper, flagging that one right away. Name Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I believe you have. I mean we're getting to pork, colorepper, and garbage taker outer. Yeah I have. All right that's miss we're gonna need to have a lot of friends. We're gonna need you to stop shouting. We love you but it'll get distracting and I like to talk to people. Aren't you on socialist media now? You're on socialist media now I thought.

June 12th, 1799. That's a print song. Okay keep don't let me divert. I don't want to distract. Josiah Harlan was born in Chester County Pencil Bank. All right Chester County in the house all right. He was the ninth of ten children. Okay so seven died. Six to seven. Set the over under at six.

At least it's four. It has to be. Ten you're playing odds at that point you're like we want to have three kids so we're having fifteen. We just want to have three workables. His parents were Quakers. Sure. And he was raised in the very religious and strict home. Okay.

Lucky Quaker. Yeah. His dad was a merchant in the city of Philadelphia. Great. That's where we are. A few of his siblings would follow dad into that line of work but Josiah wanted something more. Well that's always a problematic sentence. Josiah's mother died when he was thirteen.

Okay. And left all the kids two thousand dollar inheritance. Okay. Good amount of good amount of scratch yeah. Which I guess apparently we say all the time people say. But it was a lot of money back then. And instead your kids don't appreciate it. Now it's like two thousand dollars.

Fucking throw in the gutter. Back then. Yeah. Two iPhones and a smoothie. No. It used to matter. Josiah responded to his mother's death by diving into reading. Got into books.

Okay. Something on the inside. Sure. Okay. That can also be damaging. By the time he was fifteen he was reading medical books. Books about famous Greeks. Books about prophets.

It's a little bit of a dicey combo we're slicing there. The ingredients aren't making something I'm excited to eat. Let's just say that. He learned how to read Latin and Greek. That's valuable. And became fluent since being French. Okay. Fluent French.

All right. And from just reading? Well your mom. How do you get into something. Okay. Well I'm going to learn French. We all grieve differently. See you guys.

We'll see. He really became absorbed by stories of Alexander the Great. Okay. Alexander the Great became his hero. I don't know if you want that guy's poster on your wall. Everybody needs a hero. How about a guy that accomplished something? Yeah.

Josiah grew up to be very tall. He was over six feet. He was quite handsome. He impressed everyone he came across and was considered an intelligent, ambitious, and a bit arrogant. Okay. Well he knew French. You're supposed to be. Comes with it.

That was the thing. Chapter eight. This may have been because he was convinced that he would achieve great things. Sure. Much like Alexander the Great. Okay. What? That's...

I'm a little worried. Why? I don't know if that's who your hero should be. Be fine. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. This is a great story.

I don't think it is. I don't think it is. Doubt it highly. Learn to love. Nope. Nope. Josiah and his brothers all had an adventurous streak. I mean, you really are laying down some groundwork here.

Just little flags, sprinkling little flags to and fro. Little flag flakes. More than one of them chose to head out into the world and explore exotic locations. Okay. I'm waiting for this wave to turn. I'm just waiting for it to crash. Josiah's brother Richard Burke has a doctor in India. And when Richard returned to America, he brought back exciting stories of his experiences

and this made Josiah really want to go away also. Okay. So, Richard set up a job for Josiah on a ship to Calcutta. It's going to be quite a ride, right? Calcutta. Takes a little time. A ship? Yeah.

A little bit of time. What are we talking? Two, three hours? It's like driving from Philadelphia to New York. Nine million times. That's different. You added a nine million at the end. It's probably six months or something.

Oh, my God. A year. When did you get there in six months? What if you don't like it? What if you're like, oh, I don't like this? Oh, fuck. Shit, turn around. I'll be 40, but it's fine.

Shit. My life, honestly. Two years here, two years back. May as well be jailed. Yeah, I can, back then you were like, fuck that, my life. Yeah. I wish they had brochures. This is what I do.

I live on a ship that I hate. Trivago! We've talked. We talked about this. Fool us once. Fool me can't get fooled again. In 2020, Josiah found himself employed on a merchant ship sailing to India and China and back.

He was 21 years old. Okay. Three good things you can drink. Yeah. You will. I mean. You can drink on the ship. But I told him.

What? No way. No. It was totally illegal. No way. No way. It was totally illegal. No way.

That's not true. And I don't know anything and that's not true. There is no way they were like, we're going to need to see some ID. The ID number one. Hold up how many you are. All right. Your story checks out. He looks good for 50.

In the ship's bar. In the ship's bar. In the deli counter. In the deli what? In what ID. Really? Deli counters. There's a deli counter.

No, there's not. All. All. There's a deli counter. You're losing me. He bought me an ID. Do you want boar's head or do you want it? I want boar's head on a poppy seed and fresh tomatoes.

I'll take a cappuccino too. No. Okay. We got them in the 1700s. Oh, absolutely. When there was no deli bar. Just a bucket. Which is very true probably.

Nice bucket tonight, wasn't it? Good bucket I thought. Nice bucket. Good slop tonight, eh? Good slop. Nice bucket. He's slop. Yeah.

You're talking about a slop. Yeah, man. It was so nice tonight. Great slop. Yeah, I could really have the ship. Oh, yeah. Same mate. Same.

Yeah. Same bucket. Yeah, but. Oh, man. Tonight's slop. Tonight's slop. Oh, mate, no, no, no, not me, no. Live forever, mate.

Sometimes I just bleed. We all just bleed sometimes. You ever feel not so fresh? We're all dying on this boat. So he comes back from his year journey. He fucking loved it. Okay. So he immediately starts preparing for another voyage.

That is a pattern with these ship people back then. They just are like, gotta get back after that horrible nightmare. But also like in this little tiny place and then they go off and they see India and try and they're like, holy shit. Right. Okay. Yeah, I get that. I get leaving.

Oh. Everything's fine. Dave, don't do this. Remember, these people have batteries. It is hard to do that in a joking fashion because I think there's no way to throw a battery without someone being like, that was fucked up. No. When you can't really do it, I'm spending it on having a little Nerf battery.

Yeah. Oh, you guys should get Nerf batteries. That would be the solution to Philly's problems and Eagles at the Eagle Games. You spend so much money selling Nerf batteries. Phone batteries. Get your aggression out, but don't go to jail for it. Phone batteries. Only in Philadelphia.

So June 9 is preparing to go on his next voyage, and that's what he means by the Lizzie Vinny's plan. They're fake batteries. They're fake batteries. All right, so for those of you listening, as soon as we said that, stuffed batteries were thrown on stage, and so this is like Shark Tank because is there anything proprietary to this? We can license these.

I'm not talking about selling them, but just selling the license. We'll give you $80,000 for 15% of this company, but we want a dollar per battery and perpetuity. Thank you. Insane. So he falls in love. Right. The story. Now he's preparing for his next journey.

Who does he fall in love with? Elizabeth Swain. But he was already in a relationship with the sea. Yeah. He was very, very in love, sort of writing poetry for her. Okay. They got engaged. Sure.

Plans to marry him, and he would turn from his next voyage to India to China. Oh boy. Gonna need to put a pen in that, it feels like. Off you went. Okay. But when he got to Calcutta, he received a notice from his brother. He learned that Elizabeth had not only broken off their engagement, but she was already married to someone else.

Well, it's hard to notify. She went hot into the next one. Sure. Yeah. But I mean, there's no way to say we're broken up if a guy goes away on a ship for a year. Can you give me an example of what you think is the letter? Where are you sending the letter? To boat?

Fuck. Dear boat. There's no way. But Richard got in and this is Calcutta. Well, I mean, look, it's not, look, I'm a little on her side as far as being unable to communicate that she thought this was over. I mean, you know, she couldn't say, she couldn't change the status to it's complicated and she didn't have him be like, oh, what the fuck?

What the hell's going on there? Well, Josiah was hard for her. Okay. Sure. And like most young dudes in the situation, we vowed never to step foot in America again. Okay. So he's, he's blaming the country. He's like, fuck that, fuck that.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. The whole shit happens there. All right. Boy, he took it on the chin. He wrote a lot and in his writings, he used the word solitude over and over and over and over and over.

He became a loof and a loner. Okay. So he's taking it well. I'm just picturing at that point that you're rhyming solitude with solitude a lot. Yeah. And that's like when you like a rap song and you notice that the guys like rhyming B a bunch and you're like, wait, that's not as good. Thank you.

So he started looking, I mean, this is his first love. So, right? It's a big deal. He started looking for more and more exciting adventures and found an opportunity with the British East India Company Army. What? It's a good, good company, solid. They got a nice health plan and so does Congress.

I know these guys. I mean, come on, get something done. Repeal the healthcare already. We're all dying. The East India Company was about to enter war in Burma, basically invade and expand the British Empire so they needed surgeons. Okay. Now Josiah, of course, had read a lot of medical books.

Yeah. Well, he operates in French and English. Right. And Greek. And Greek. So he thought this would be a good place to go because also Burma was far away from Elizabeth. Sure.

So he managed to convince the medical board he was a surgeon. That's the secret. Manifesting. I am a surgeon. If you just fucking act like you're a surgeon, people are going to be like, no one's here. Come on. Get that IV in him. Let's go.

Scalpel. Come on. Oh, I don't work here yet, but I should. This guy's good. This guy's great. Who is this guy? This guy's a go-getter. I mean, if you just act like you're a surgeon, people aren't going to be like, he can't be

faking it. No. You just fucking act like it. And they're like, yeah, this guy's a surgeon. Oh, look at that. Four subs. Very familiar. Have you heard of five subs?

I'm actually working on a five-step. It's a higher grab a... I'm a doctor, so no questioning that. Sutures. Big player. I think. I don't know about you guys, but I think sutures are good. Stitching.

Helps, you know. Stitch them up. I've said, get it out. Stitch them up. Get them out. Move them on. Bring in a new one. That's what I say as a doctor, which I am.

So he was appointed as a surgeon to the Calcutta General Hospital. But because the East India Company suffered heavy losses in the war and from disease, Josiah also at times had to fight with the Bengal artillery. So he's after also fighting as well. Well, let me be as a general too. I mean, he's as much a general as he is a surgeon. This was the first taste of actual battle, and he took away some skills from the battlefield. Okay.

Such as? Doing. Team building. Stabbing. Stabbing. Team building. Shooting. Ordering.

Sure. And throwing stuff. Throwing. Sure. Okay. Are you sure that? And going like, around that way. They don't just give anyone that job.

He fought in the brutal battle of prom. Sure. I think that's absolutely the greatest policy there, sir. No one fucking knows. If no one has any objections, we're going to prune it from now on. I was just waiting for one Burmese guy to say, fuck you, it's not. Well we lost our Burmese fan. Way to go.

British forces beat the poorly equipped Burmese in hand-to-hand combat. So it was some serious fucking business. I mean, it was maybe a little Burmese-y. Here come the batteries! The war ended in 1826 with the British victorious. Thank God. Yes. Thank God for them.

Josiah was then assigned to a city north of Delhi, but he was a little over the East India Company. Hilariously, it changed it to Eat India Company. That's actually a great restaurant. Good Baltis. So around this time, he read a history book about a Westerner who had gone to Afghanistan in 1809. And at this point, very few people from the West had ever gone to Afghanistan.

So Josiah started dreaming of making the journey like his hero, Alexander the Great. There's been a bit of a time gap. Between Alex and Josiah? Yeah. Doesn't matter, you can still fucking ride in with a bunch of elephants and shit and whatever. Things change. What's Afghanistan like right now?

Very feudal society. Okay. Well, here we'll go into it right here. Okay. Great. No, why don't you read it? I'll listen. How about that?

Let's do it that way. You've probably got some facts. Josiah loved the idea of a feudal society where tribal chiefs battled for supremacy. Like any normal 27-year-old, he started dreaming of heading to this largely unknown land and carving out his own kingdom. Kingdom? Yep. When I was 27, I tried to take over part of North Dakota.

I guess the thing is that you're just not brought up with the ambition to be king anymore. You're not. And it's something that if you're just like, fuck it, maybe. Why don't people take, because in America, people always say, you can be whatever you want to be. Why don't we start taking that shit literally? I want to be the king of Afghanistan. Well, Todd, maybe...

You said anything. Yeah, I did. A lot of kids are saying hockey player astronauts, I want to be king of Afghanistan, part of it. So specific. The Northeast. Just the Northeast part? I like mountains.

I'm going to sell opium to Americans on the street. Okay. Well, why don't we... The worst thing is, I feel like you're going to, Josiah. Well let's get into that part. So obviously, she shouldn't have broken up with him. Right, no. No, this is why, yeah, this is why you don't ghost people.

Shatters them. You seen anyone? Afghanistan. Yeah, I'm the king of an area. So Josiah was very serious. He began preparing by first starting to learn Hindi and Farsi. Jesus, it's really... He's getting in there.

Then in the summer of 1826, he quit the East India Company and got permission to remain in India from the Governor General Lord Amherst. His plan was to go to Punjab and find out where the tribal chiefs had power outside of the British Reach. Okay. Wait. What? He's going rogue.

Well, he's going, he's going to find and get some information about where the British won't be, and then he can become a king. It's again just the first guy to think of something kind of obvious. Yeah, I'm just going to be king of an area. Oh boy. What? All right. He got some aces.

So he made his way to a British border outpost on the border of Punjab and British India. So he's right on the edge there, right? He hoped to work for Ranjit Singh, who was at the time the Maharaja of Punjab, right? So he's the fucking king shit. He's the top dog. Okay. He's the king on it. He's like top Singh.

He's top what? Sikh. Sikh? He's a Sikh, right? Yes. Singh. No, Singh. Sure.

Are they Sikhs? They're Singhs. Sikh Singh? I'm sorry. Hello? Sikh, I would say Sikh. He's the king. He's the king.

He just threw a bunch of other things at me. He's the king Singh. Top Singh. King Singh, top Singh? Is that a game show? Is that a spin off of The Voice? He's the leader of the Sikhs. He's the leader of the Sikhs?

The Sikhs. The Sikhs. Okay. So he's great. I'm not even going to... He's the... He's the top of the Sikh empire, which at this point rolls a big part of India and Pakistan, right?

But we all know that. You guys know that. I didn't have to fucking go into that shit. That's fairly... Ranjit have been fighting in war since he was 10. So he's pretty awesome. Yeah. He's the take no shit kind of dude.

Okay. Is that awesome? Yeah. That to you is awesome right away. I'm a big fan of whatever's happening here. He became a ruler when he was just 21. As a general rule, Ranjit did not let Westerners into Punjab, mostly because he had seen what white people had done when they entered an area.

Well, that's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. Because if... I think if you look back, you'll find that white people have done a lot for white people. A lot for white people. For white people. Did I not finish that correctly?

No. Oh no. Sorry. For white people. Yeah. No. As far as white people go, white people love white people. Oh, but this is actually in Afghanistan.

So no, he's right to do that. Because of all the killing. Well, this is, I think, the first guy that has taken one of our mottos, which is don't talk to white people. Yeah. We're going to build a wall. Keep the whites out. He thought the less whites knew about Punjab, the better off Punjab would be.

He's just the genius. Yeah. He's just come up with the formula. Yeah. Out. There's not a lot of rules. Just no whites. It's kind of fight clubby.

White, second rule, no whites. And it's the first night in Punjab, you have to wait. The captain in charge of the British border post was named Claude Wade, and he thought Josiah was a very impressive man. He said Josiah was the first classist slash botanist slash soldier of fortune he had ever met. Yes. Josiah also had read all about botany and was super into it.

Well, the prophecy is about to be fulfilled. Josiah told Wade he wanted to study all the plant life in Punjab with the goal of publishing a book about it with a focus on flowers. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I do know one popular flower in the region. It's the thing we got on the bagel on that boat earlier. That was some foreshadowing.

Actually, what I like to call five-shadowing. Layer on a... Five? A layer, you know, remember before with the forceps? No, I got it. Two levels to that. I got it. I got it.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. So why is a point, and yes, and or you just know? Well, you've studied no but. I studied no but. Yeah.

So, he's waiting for an answer from Franchi who's running the deal and not letting white people in. Right? Right. And while he's waiting there, he met Shah Shuja Almolk, who I'm gonna call Almolk, because I can't... Yeah. He was of the Durrani, you know about the Durrani.

The Durrani Empire currently in exile. Yeah, the exile, yeah, obviously. Well, the Durrani Empire. Just get over the little stuff and let's just get to the meat. The Durrani Empire was basically, was basically Afghanistan. And they were a Muslim empire. And then, so Josiah heard this guy is super rich

and he decided he wanted to work for him. He's like, all right, I'll go work for that guy instead because Ron Jeet's not answering my phone calls and shit. Well, that's the best way to do it too. That's what he didn't do with his estranged fiance. So move on, find another guy, let's go. So he sent a letter to Al Mulk offering, quote, a general proposition affecting the royal prospects

of restoration. So he's offering to get Al Mulk's empire back. OK. The empire of Afghanistan. He's going to go get. It's a big promise. Afghanistan back. Philadelphia people think big.

Well, clearly no one's puzzled by that here. Everyone's like, of course. Yes, so curious. Yeah, how would he not? Probably. Yeah. So when Josiah arrived at Al Mulk's palace, he discovered the exiled leader was surrounded

by horribly disfigured men. Hey, welcome. Hi, these guys are fucked up, huh? Hey, shut up, shut up. Hey, welcome, man. Come on, have crab dip. We got margaritas. Let's go, huh?

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. These are my friends. Shut up. These are some of my buddies. By the way, you're not going to leave here without a limb. Don't worry about that.

This is all incidental. I just keep them all near the front door. Come on. Cut off his legs. Come on, let's get crab dip. Turns out Al Mulk was not a fan of his servants and slaves letting him down. Oh, shit.

When they did, he would remove a body part. Can you imagine dropping a glass? You're like, oh, my leg. No, I like my eyes. Oh, no. So sorry. Ears, noses, tongues, fingers, et cetera. Ears, noses, and tongues.

Oh, my. Super, super cool parts of your body. Nose. Yeah, nose. The ear, like, that happened a lot back then. The ear is like, oh, I lost an ear. Fucking nose. Tongue?

Tongue. You need that. Imagine if you got to choose. Oh, no. You pick. Don't make me. I don't think you get to choose. OK, that's cool, at least.

I thought it was like Mr. Potato Head. It's such a selfie's choice, isn't it? Yeah. Don't make me choose between my nose and my tongue. Yeah. Josiah commented that the court commented that the court was a, quote, earless assemblage of mutes and eunuchs in the ex-king service.

Sorry, sorry. So we left a valuable piece off of the list that's getting removed. Well, what happened? I don't know. You tell me what happened. You had me freaked out with noses and tongues. Oh.

Don't don't. That's like a big fuck up. Can I get the nose instead? Nope. We're going to do two noses and one tongue for Ted. You could also cut off penises. Oh, my god. Not just nuts.

Smooth like a Barbie situation. My guess is it wasn't smooth like a Barbie. Slightly bumpy. Why don't you want the crab dip? Oh, the degeneralized guys. I get you. Just some guy with no nose, eyes, and ears, and no tongues. Welcome to the palace.

Rums up and slams his head into hummus at the table because he's got no arms or dick. Well, that's the other thing, truly, though. Like, you really are making, like, already shitty staff, I guess, shittier. Yeah, I can't get better. He can't carry Tray since I took his leg and arm off. This guy's useless.

Ah, here we go. Ah, damn it. What's firing? Man, it was a bitch to watch to work in HR for this guy. Yeah. He did what? That was because of him? He took the dick off and he put it in the guy's tongue

where it used to be and stitched it on. So he's got a penis tongue. Oh, I... He's getting insane. I mean, I don't even, like, lately, I'm like, what am I doing here, you know? But then I realized he took my legs and I'm like, right. Right, yeah, right, yeah.

Good crab dip, though. I will say that. I know, I love the crab dip. I don't know what he's throwing in it. He likes the crab dip. Oh, boy. You've really added the horror to this hallway. The inside scream, it's never not terrifying.

It's like a seal orgasm as a man's yell. You're like, no, I don't like that. No, no, no. I feel weird. So, Josiah and Al Mulk spoke to each other with what little language they had in common, a bit of India, a bit of Farsi. And Josiah made a proposition. He would organize a rebellion against Dost Mohammed Khan,

who had seized the crown from Al Mulk. Okay. So, Al Mulk took Josiah out on a picnic. I mean, he had. Adorable. He also had a tender side. Why don't you and I go make a montage? Opens up a basket.

It's just full of noses and ears. Skipping stones, holding hands down the beach. What is this? Both slicing someone's nose off. We're making the best time. So, they're out on the picnic. They're out on the picnic. The wind blew down the tent.

Okay, so they were having a tented picnic? Well, it's hot. Little shadier, literally. Al Mulk was furious, so he had his chief slave castrated right there. Oh, my. They're not gone. They're doing a good job of putting up the tent. And then he acts like you're crazy when you don't want dates.

Well, that ruins a picnic. Absolutely changes the vibe. You don't like cheese? No, I do. I do. I do. His balls were... That's just crazy to watch.

Isn't that crazy to watch? Am I the only one who's like, oh, where are his balls? I love cheese. I really do. Why is my hand shaking? I don't know, because that guy's balls got cut off just now in front of me. Oh, the tent has never been more secure.

I would love... What is that? Munster? I love him. I love Munster. Oh, I don't want to spill anything, because then we know what happens to me. Man, when that guy's balls were taken off, I...

Oh, man. Good picnic, though. No notes. Not from me. I'm not one of these weird guys who's like, why were his balls cut off? That's cool. You're cool.

Pound it. Pound it. Oh, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you. So Jaya was... Josiah was a bit put off. Why? By the castration. Well, it seemed a bit much to him.

It did. He thought that the punishment didn't really fit the whole tent fell. Well, the tent fell. The tent fell. Nonetheless, Al Mulk agreed to hire Josiah, and Josiah took the job. He would get Al Mulk's empire back. Wow.

That... I mean, if he cuts off balls for a tent falling, what if you can't fulfill an empire rebuilt? I mean, what does he take off? He's like, leave the balls. Everything else has to go. What? How does that...

You're going to get what we call the going out of business sale. So Josiah then had a tailor recreate the American flag and went around recruiting mercenaries by implying he was working for the U.S. government. Now they're upset. Wait, wait. Now someone's stealing Valor, and they're all like, Wait a minute!

Wait, one more time, he... He had a local tailor... Make an American... Whip up an American flag, and then he's going around. I guess he's just like holding it and be like, Hey, you want to come work? This is only 41 stars. Yes, not far less.

Oh, that'll do, actually, for this time. That's a little more. Far less. Okay. So he's walking around, and he's basically saying he's recruiting army half... He's hiring guys, and he's like, Why don't you come work for the U.S.?

Huh? Or me? Whatever. Either way, same thing. Look at this flag. Hey, look at the flag. Huh? Come with me.

Yeah, there we go. So all these guys are jumping on board. And by the fall of 1827, he had an army of 100 mercenaries. They were Afghans, Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, but all they really cared about was the plunder that was being promised to them. Okay. So by now Josiah had read all about Afghanistan,

which seemed to be a place where rulers were constantly overthrown. Not just by outsiders, but also from within their families. Brothers against brothers, sons against fathers, and so on. Imagine. They were dominated by two families, the Durrani and the Barakzai.

Al-Mulk was a Durrani. He and his brother had overthrown, and then blinded their brother Zaman. Al-Mulk then tossed the other brother he worked with out, who then came back and overthrew Mulk. And that brother was overthrown by the Barakzai brothers, which happened because brother number three, Zaman had had the brothers,

the Barakzai brothers' dad chopped into little pieces. So it's a tip for tat kind of thing. Now if you put the Benny Hill music to that and have someone look at the camera and go, we're like this all the time. I'm watching. Now the Barakzai brothers ruled, but they were fighting each other.

So Josiah thought this would be a great time to go in and just take over. Okay. It seems like a good time. It's time to play the I'm a Surgeon card, but with an empire. Right. I'm in charge.

Yep. That's it. I don't know. There's no follow-ups. Get out. Al-Mulk provided Josiah with money, and off he went to Kabul. On his way, he came across two East India company deserters

who said they were from Kentucky, but were clearly British. Yes. We're from a small area in Kentucky. Yes. Right around Lexington. Lexington. Yes.

We love our grits and our cornbread. The two of us. Awesome great mates. Couple of Kentucky Indianians. We are. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah.

As Kentucky as apples. Cheers, mate. Ah, thank you, mate. Friend. Thank you, friend. Not mate. What are we on a ship? We've never been one of those.

No. We're from Kentucky. Anywho. Hello, governor. No. Huh? Got classic Kentucky saying, hello, governor. Hello.

We say that in Louis. On. But Louis Vuitton is the area we are. Chip chip. Building chip chips. Stop talking. Both of us. Oh, hey.

Anywho. Oh, I hate Tennessee. So these two men joined Josiah's army as well. Okay. These two Kentucky British men. Yeah. So what is the deal there? They're just sort of like, we'll take liars.

We'll take anyone. We'll take anybody at this point. Right. So they're just letting these two English guys pretend they're from Kentucky. Yeah. Sort of like bosom buddies. He doesn't care. He's like, well, just two more guys that'll fight.

So who gives a shit? Kentucky. Kentucky fighters. Go raging cocks. What are we? What are we? Sorry. Sorry.

It's come out wrong, hasn't it? Oh, dear. Another one of my classic foepalls. Kentucky phrase. So he was following the path of Alexander the Great. Good lord. I mean, I can't believe this is actually happening to him. I mean, it sounds insane.

He's like, yeah, get in there. I'm getting there. Now, as the trip moved on and became longer, the mercenaries became restless and Josiah knew mutiny could happen at any time. So to get into Kabul quicker, he decided to enter dressed as a Muslim holy man who was returning from the pilgrimage to Mecca. Bold. Bold.

Audacious. But one of the fake deserter Kentucky British guys then deserted Josiah's army and took a bunch of mercenaries with him. And by the way, we weren't from Kentucky the whole time. Ha-ha. We're English, you fool. Couldn't you tell we didn't know any facts about the area and our accents? Ha-ha.

I pulled one over on you, haven't we? Our actual voices are like this. Ta-da. Yeah. Hello, Gavna. All right. It's mine. He's still doing one for some reason.

Chitty, chitty. Bang, bang. No idea. Not a D. He took a fall the other day. Quite a distance. Biscuits. His legs.

He's got to put a biscuit in his mouth every two hours. Oh. There we are. Gavna. So this might have actually helped Josiah, though, because without a large army, he did look like a returning holy man. So Josiah makes his way to Kabul. Good Lord.

And he gets there and he's super into it. He thinks it's fucking awesome. Okay. Josiah wrote, quote, of a jewel encircled by an emerald with flowers and blossoms whose odors perfume the air. There were so many grapes at the market that he, quote, fed them to his horse. Whoa. That's a lot of grapes.

Holy shit. And everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. And by the way, that's a situation where the animal has no questions. That's when you get the turkey down at Thanksgiving. They're just like, mm-hmm. I'm sure. Whatever your deal is.

Yep. Probably also, I'm going to guess, not great for a horse. Well, they kill dogs. Great. Okay. Good talk. I found that out after I gave my dog five and then spent $600. Come on.

Getting them out of my dog. Come on. Not through the butthole. You could spend a hundred a grape. You got that from you. Our dog really likes grapes. Don't kill him. He really likes them.

Soon he met the man he had come to overthrow. Dost Mohammad Khan at his palace. By now Josiah was fluent in Farsi, so it was all good. Very quickly Josiah warmed the guy he had come to overthrow. Oh boy. Turns out Josiah has a thing for conquerors. Right. Yeah.

He was like, boy. And he thought Khan was polite, modest, courteous, and very intelligent. It was the first guy Josiah had met in Asia that made him think Westerners were not better than Easterners. A weird scale tip. He's like, I got to tell you something. I've been here for a few years, and you're the first guy that makes me think I'm not just totally better than all of you guys.

You guys are great. What you guys did to the Native Americans. Right. You guys nailed it. Nailed it. Nailed it. You get it. You take what you want.

Yeah. Great guys. I love it. I love it. I've been a fan for years. I just can't believe you're... I like your earlier stuff. But some of the later stuff works too.

I like Sniff the Blanket. It's my favorite album. It's a good one. That's a great album. You guys are so... Thank you. You're awful. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And I love it. You're the worst, you know? Have you heard some of our later stuff? Kill the food source? Oh, kill the food source is good. Poison the water. The little...

A little like kill the food source, but still. I mean, different concepts. Yeah. Big fan. Thank you. Big fan. Thank you. Thank you.

To work with you. Up until now. Is it too soon to talk about the genocides that white people have committed? People are out there like... Aw. Come on, you guys. It is a curse. They're only getting started.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's like anytime I'm like, we're on the same page. You know what? What did you say? Hmm? Just getting warmed up? The two men discussed systems of government and Josiah noticed that even though Khan was

a Muslim, he still drank a lot and had a lot of prostitutes around for whatever he wanted to do. So he's Muslim too. The better Muslim. Whenever he wanted to do butt stuff, I put that part in. Pardon? He had a lot of prostitutes around and then I thought... Butt stuff?

My thinking was it was probably for butt stuff. Okay. Crazy. Josiah called... Josiah called Khan's court a wild promiscuous, shameless party. In a good way? Well, yeah, I think so. So that is a positive. Yeah.

That's amazing. He invented spring break. But while Josiah was there, a cholera epidemic struck the city. Well, that'll kill any party. Josiah survived it by, quote, hard drinking and smoking drugs. Starting to come around on this guy a little bit. He was doing opium. Yeah.

That's how you beat cholera? Like, literally? Yeah. You beat cholera by just fucking getting shit-faced and smoking heroin. Yeah. That's what you did. I mean, I got gout, but it's been fun. On the same time, Josiah heard rumors that Ranjit Singh, who he originally wanted to

work for, was now recruiting European generals. Okay. This was his opportunity. Is he AWOL at this point? He's just sort of off on his own. Yeah, he's unthinkable. He's done. Right.

So there's no plan for him to come back. He's found a new lover. Right. But now he's heard back there that the guy's looking for white guys. So now he's like, boy, what's going on with him? He's seeing other guys? Well, this is the guy that was not into white people. Now he's like, I'm hiring white people.

Okay. Right. So he rode to the capital of Punjab. He had previously said of European officers, quote, this is Ranjit, German, French or English, all of these European bastards are alike. But now he wants to hire European officers because they're bastards, because they knew the tactics of the West and he wanted to teach them to his fighters. So it's so evil that he now wants it.

Yeah. But you're the worst. I should get this up. You're the worst. And I have one thing to say. Can you teach us? So, uh, so he's paying really well to a French, a French general was living in a mansion that Josiah called quote, a miniature Versailles and the French general was excited to have

a Westerner come by and Josiah, uh, was no different. He said it was a sweet gig. And once you were in, it was hard to get fired. So once you get this job, working for Ron, uh, Ranjit, you're fucking set. Like the DMV of Afghanistan. So the French general introduced Josiah to Ranjit. Finally he has met this guy. Okay.

Josiah described Ranjit as a very short man with one eye and a face scarred by smallpox. So as far as, right, sure, but like in a sexy way, smallpox is always a good look. Yeah. Especially if you're just got one hole where an eye was, right? Uh, he dressed all in white and wore a diamond that he had taken from Al-Mulk. Did he not put it in his eye? He did not. That's the move.

What the fuck? He should have. That's the move. Absolutely the move. Totally the move. It's an upgrade. Oh, eyes? You're still doing eyes?

I'm doing diamonds. Diamonds. Get it? No. I don't. It doesn't make sense. I don't either. I don't either.

I've been, I had smallpox. My brain hurts. Josiah said he was a, quote, sensualist who had a passion for beautiful men and boys, a taste for ladnam, and was addicted to an alcoholic lemonade cocktail that he liked to make. He enjoyed getting his dancing girls super drunk and then having them fight each other. Was he shooting cribs? Wait.

Okay. Sorry. I just have to go back a step to, he had a, he liked boys. He had a passion for beautiful men and boys. Boys being not men, right? Younger. Younger. Okay.

That still actually happens there. That's still a thing. Cool. A taste for ladnam. So that's the, that's the alcohol with opium in it. Yeah. Swurf. Swurf.

It's Swurf. And then he likes an alcoholic lemonade. And then he likes, so he likes Mike's hard lemonade, likes Mike's hard lemonade, molesting boys that are illegally at a taste for sensual men and he liked women fighting. And he had a hollow in his eye where a diamond should have been. So we've got a new character. His sexual stamina was said to be legendary. His what?

Sexual stamina. His sexual stamina. So he could fuck like a one on eight smallpox. I mean, he's just, well, that's great that we all knew he could last a while. Well, look, dude likes to party, right? Sure. Yeah. Clearly.

This guy. He was also an insane hypochontriac. Well, I mean, I get it. Fuck. He's not, I mean, just not a lot of salads on the diet. It's just. He just would come to see him every day and treat him for imaginary ailments. Knowing this, Josiah emphasized that he was a doctor.

Oh, no. But he, well, I mean, got to get it in. Right. Use what you got. Sure. Ranjeet immediately demanded Josiah treat him. He then offered Josiah a military position, but Josiah passed. It's a weird offer.

You're a really good doctor. Run the military. I'd like to be in charge of a thousand men, have some swerve, but Josiah did not take the job. Okay. He wanted something better. Sure. Yeah.

An Indian historian would write about the time Josiah was here and called Josiah, quote, an incredible windbag who convinced Ranjeet that he was a doctor, scholar, statesman and soldier. So finally, after hanging around for a very long time, Ranjeet offered Josiah the positioner of governor of Krijat, Krijat, Governor Krijat, which is up near Kashmir. So it's a state. It's an area. Sure.

Quote, this is the offer. This is the offer. This is the offer he made. Quote, I will make you governor of Krijat and give you 3000 rupees a month. If you behave well, I will increase your salary. If not, I will cut off your nose. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well he's offering a raise, but sniffing will be a problem if I don't hit it.

Hit your fucking quotas, man. Yeah. That's a great way to motivate. I think they're doing that in the White House now a little bit. They're definitely doing it. They're definitely doing it in Amazon. That's why you can't see Spicer anymore. He has no nose or tongue.

And he's just in a bush with missed match shoes. And now a press conference with Sean Spicer. I think it went pretty good today. It was better than usual. I think he, he didn't embarrass himself for once, which I think is good. The first he had Josiah tested, Ranjit made him governor of two areas. There is not much information about how he did there, but one person noted, quote, the fact of his nose being entire proved that he has done well.

Oh yeah. This guy's a winner. He's got his nose, his ears, his tongue, his penis, his balls. This guy obviously has quite a track record. I mean, just look at him. He's everything. He has all his bits. It's refreshing.

He's got a great dick. My man goes above and beyond right here. My man goes above and beyond. I check all, I check all the, I'm the parts checker. Yep. Really puts a lot of focus on the dick, I've noticed. I like to make sure he's doing good job. Sure.

I don't talk anymore. I milked him. Stop it. You've been warned. In May, in May 1832, Josiah was transferred to be governor of Grzat. Is it weird that there's, at this point, I mean, he's, he's clearly a Westerner. Yeah. But now he's running.

But is that, I mean, that, is that not strange? It is strange. It's super funny, strange. But also remember. I mean, it sounds like like an ABC show. I think that right across the border, it's not a good ABC show, right across the border, there is. Grzata be kidding me.

There actually is, I looked up Grzata and there actually is an Indian TV show called like after Grzata or something like that. So yeah, I think the idea was the British are right across the border, so you get some Western guys and it's like, it's not that crazy. It's kind of Westernized. I don't know why anyway. Yeah, I don't think so. Gotcha.

So he pretty much had unlimited powers as long as he collected taxes and people didn't go apeshit and riot or whatever, well, low bar. Well, Josiah was there. A Reverend came to Grzata. He was a Bavarian Jew who had converted to Catholicism, then Lutheranism, then and Jealousism. And now he was traveling all over Asia, trying to convert all the people of Asia to the church of England. Okay.

So he's going big. He's going to play in the field. He was also looking for the 10, lost 10 tribes of Israel. So. Sure. So he had a to-do list. He's got a lot. He's got a lot on his plate.

Big plate. Sure. When he arrived, he immediately went to see the governor expecting to find a Sikh. But as he arrived, he heard the governor whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy. Oh, hello. I'm in charge. I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, hey, welcome to Afghanistan, my man. I'm the governor of Kerjot.

Nothing weird here. Come on in. Got a beer you like, huh? Technically he's in Pakistan now. What we would call Pakistan. Hey, whatever. All right. Point is, I'm running the ship.

So he comes around the corner and there's a white guy. He's surprised and he sees a white guy and then Josiah says, quote, I'm a free citizen of the United States from the state of Pennsylvania, city of Philadelphia, I'm the son of a Quaker. I'm now picturing Matthew McConaughey in this part. Yeah. Okay. Hey, hey, all right, I'm a free citizen of the United States of America. Don't worry about a thing, man, ride that camel, we got everything you need.

So the two men, the Reverend and Josiah became friends and Josiah opened up and he told the Reverend that he was in love with Elizabeth Swain. Oh my God, let it go. What the fuck? I mean, these are a fucking tech aid later. He's like, man, I had a lady. And by the way, if you're her and you're able to hear what the breakup did to him, you're like, I should have just married him.

Holy shit. Holy fuck. Good God. He went. Holy shit. He went. Oh boy. Did you try meeting another girl?

No, I tried to become the king of Afghanistan. You get many wives if it, you know, so sort of glad you're good though. Glad we're both good. No regrets. No regrets. Do not regret it. No, you, you met Harry. Here's my nuts.

Yeah. Oh, sorry. They got cut off. If you want those. Yeah, because I left the toilet seat up. He likes it down. Yeah. I didn't know.

I didn't know he likes it down. I figured he wanted it up. So he also told him because of this, he was never going back to America. So he's still, though he wasn't so in love that he wasn't getting some action, Ranjeet awarded men who served him with concubines and Josiah had several. Wow. So Josiah also told the Reverend that he wanted to rule all of Afghanistan as a monarchy, like his hero, Alexander the Great.

He really is going to that prototype. He said, he also said, though, how much he liked George Washington, Adams, and Jefferson and, and enjoyed the Declaration of Independence. So he's a little bit of a, it's a little contradictory guys. I kind of like monarchy. Is it kind of like doing your own? It's hard. It's hard.

I don't like the eagles. I like the cowboys. Don't even. It's a comparison. Don't even. I don't do it. What? What?

Did you say dog killer? That is the sweetest heckle of all time. I'm sorry. Did you? Did I hear dog? No. And to be fair, he was doing that on the Falcons. You guys, you said we accept your track record.

And that's God. You know, it's good. It's good. It's good. Let's keep going. Your rival, your rival team there, quarterbacks are rapists. So now. Why don't we talk sports more often, you and I never get into it.

Now Josiah wasn't the only European governor. They were rare, but there were a couple others around. There were two Italian mercenaries, but unlike Josiah, they were super into using violence to control their populations. And when Josiah cracked down on violence in his territory, without using brutality, the governor's got really pissed at him and stopped talking to him. What are you doing? Huh?

Hey, you cuddly balls. Yeah. Stab them in the face. Come on. How are you going to rule in Afghanistan if you're not a cutting off a people's land? Take a finger. My God. Come on.

We got a crazy deal here. We're a fucking running. It's like a quick governor. Oh, man. He's a fading. It's hard. It's harder. Yeah.

He's not an easy. It's like a spicy meatball. Oh, here we go. Welcome, governor, a stereotype rules with a linguine. So the man who became Josiah's closest friend at the time was an alchemist who, here we go. He's just a guy who turns metal into gold. Sure.

Now, Josiah had previously met him in Peshawar. He also moonlighted as a doctor. Well, this guy, well, you know, we have something in common. I'm also full of it. You're going to look great. Really? There was a guy I performed a lot of surgeries that I should not have been in. I told the guy.

I mean, once I sneezed in a guy, I threw up in a guy and then I go, no, no, no, I'm trying to. I go, I'm supposed to. Played it. I was hammered. I mean, I just, I like to have fun. I told the guy that I was a doctor once, but I'm not and now I don't have a butthole. He took it.

He cut it out at a picnic. You told the guy you weren't a doctor? I said I was. And then I was like, I was, I was kidding. And then they, and then they flipped me over. I actually have a surgery that I think could help you. They just took it out as a non-doctor. That's why I'm here.

I would like a, have you heard of squirrels? Squirrels. Butthole. Okay. Well, that's. Put it in your mind. That's nuts. And.

No one knew the alchemist's name, but Josiah called him the movie, which meant Islamic scholar. He said he was a member of a secretive 15th century alchemist group and many in Peshawar believed he knew medical secrets because of his association. Back when they originally met, the movie had told people his alchemy could only work if he was given a large amount of fish, a large amount of large fish from a river, a large amount of large fish from a river. The people went to work and eventually caught the required amount of fish. How many fish?

I don't know, but it was a lot, a lot of large fish. But then right at that moment, the movie suddenly remembered that all the fish had to be the same sex. Sorry. They all got to be dudes. I hate to be the guy who regrets not saying dressing on the side here, but, uh, I wanted all identically sized genital fish. You know me.

I've got a rider. Unfortunately, he remembered this right after the fishing season ended. And at this point, Josiah recognized that this guy might be a fraud. But for whatever reason, they remained friends and this guy came to visit him. Wait, sorry. Why did he think he was a fraud? Because. He was like, that's not it.

You're not an alchemist. You're just, you're playing a fish game on us. Right. You're kind of alchemist, are you? More fish. So the movie shows up at the governor's palace. He taught Josiah about Arabia and in return Josiah, he wanted Josiah to sponsor him to join a Masonic lodge.

Okay. Fair trade. He thought that was the key to finding the philosopher's stone, which is all the movie was about. So he's on some side of like Indiana Jones plot. So that's, that's Josiah is hanging out with. So he's just looking for a stone that he thinks he can find through masonry. Yeah.

Okay. The masonry. Yeah. The masonry. Sure. Sure. Fair plan. On August.

I'll intern whatever they need. I just want to get hands on that stone. On August 19, 1835, Ranjit had a stroke. Afterwards he had slur speech and demanded Josiah use Western medicine to cure him. To fix the stroke. Yep. Sure. Now back then, it was believed that running electrical currents through the body.

Oh, shit. Already bad. Oh, shit. Okay. So it was believed that if you ran electricity through someone that would fix a stroke. That would heal them. Okay. Josiah had an electrical machine brought in so he could electrocute Ranjit, the emperor.

He did it. And while it did not fix Ranjit's speech, it did help him with his leisure time. And Ranjit was very proud that he was physically tough. And when he discovered electricity could travel from one person to another, if they were touching, he came up with an awesome idea. No, he did not. No, he did not. He had all the people in his court hold hands in a line.

What the fuck? What? And then he'd have one guy hold Ranjit's hand while he was being electrified and then everyone would let go and scream in pain and Ranjit would laugh and really enjoy the fun. Wait, wait, wait. So he's pranking at these pranks? Yeah. I mean, painful pranks, but yeah.

Yeah, but the fact that he's like, it starts with me, it'll be hilarious. So he just kept doing that over and over again. How many more times are you going to hold hands? I don't want to, Ranjit. They don't have a choice. They're all his slaves or whatever. But he still is like, better than losing a nose. I got you again.

It was electrified. Okay, let's hold hands this time for real. Come on. No, no more. No more. Hold hands. No. I did it again.

I said I wasn't it. I did. Yeah. Okay. That's really old hands this time. No more. No more. Like I'm done.

I had fun. We all had fun. I hate. Hold hands. I hate you. Can you come out? Yeah. It's getting.

It's stopping funny and that's funny again. Okay. I'm done. That's old hands. Now one day someone told Ranjit that Josiah had an alchemist living with him. He was not pleased. Having a man who could turn simple metals into gold or silver without telling Ranjit was treasonous because Ranjit expected.

So that's what treason is. Yeah. Okay. It's unclear. Yeah. He'll tweet that tomorrow. If you have an alchemist, my son is not an alchemist. Ranjit has unbelievable character.

He's a high quality person. So he thinks that he's getting fucked out of profits and he thinks Josiah is making counterfeit coins through the alchemist. So the profits mad about profits? The profits mad about, but he's also mad about a fake guy who can't do anything. Right. Okay. So Josiah flees in fear for his life.

Okay. Interesting. Josiah headed back to Afghanistan and back to Muhammad Khan. Hey baby. Hey. What you been up to? Hey, to be this guy. Hold the boom box.

It's weird over there. Oh man. I missed you so much. You're cool. Make me back. Here's a bunch of same genital, same size fish. I've been in a weird head space. So when Josiah was in Kabul, he ran into one of the two English deserters who pretended

he was from Kentucky. Oh, hello. Yes. We're a couple of Kentucky. Oh, it's him. Never mind. No need for the ruse, Clark. He already knows our secret.

We're from Kentucky. You're sorry. We're not. Sorry. Josiah was still angry at this guy for deserting his army. Right. So Josiah sent a letter to the East India Company telling them that the guy was using an alias and then his actual name was James Lewis and he was a deserter from the East

India Company who had been sentenced to death for desertion. Jesus. That's bad. So he thinks this guy is going to get taken and executed. Sure. But the company did not do what Josiah expected. Instead, they decided to use the fake Kentuckian as a spy. Do you mean I've got to go undercover again?

Well, as I call it, deep Kentucky. Where am I from this time? I'm pretty precise about pinpointing the accents of the place I'm supposed to be from. You tell me and I'll do an absolutely perfect mimic of it. Like right now, when I'm doing my Kentucky accent, I'm actually not from Kentucky at all. I'm English. Blimey.

Sorry? I was doing an English guy. Oh. I said, blimey. Oh, right. Yes. Obviously his story checks that as well. Two English folk Kentuckians we are.

You've got blimey here and chatterbox over here, but we're working tandem quite well, I think you'll find. Name any accent we can do it. Go ahead. Yes, we're from Italy. Hello, governor. Yes. The two of us love Florence.

That's where we're from. We're Italians. Yes. Bicy-meatball. He's got a high batting average. I'll say that about Clark. You like a cannoli? Don't push it.

Linguini. I'm not going to lie, your accent sounds quite often. Italian sounds like this. Hello, governor. Better. Better. Regional two, which I love. So.

So they hire the fake Kentucky guy as a spy and as a spy, he tells the East India company that Josiah was quote violent and unprincipled. And we're from Albany. Then in March, the British governor general of India received a letter from Mohammed Khan, which was for some reason written in English with a flowery style and used a number of American phrases. Sounds like Khan. The letter, Khan, the letter asked the British to make Ranjit return from Peshawar to Afghanistan,

but Mohammed Khan did not know English and it seemed like Josiah was the actual author of the letter. No. Now, the governor general replied, quote, my friend, you are aware that it is not the practice of the British government to interfere with the affairs of independent states. And Dave said two years later, I mean, once or twice years later, they would invade Afghanistan. For now, Afghanistan had no army. So Mohammed Khan wanted Josiah to train his fighters how to fight the Western style of

war. The French had trained the Sikhs and now Khan wanted in on the action. So Josiah did it. When Ranjit's son was getting married, he called the best of his army from the border to have a parade. Of course he would. That's an important thing. So Mohammed Khan took advantage and attacked with Josiah acting as a special military

advisor. Okay. Wait, sorry. So he... So now he's attacking. Right. Afghanistan, they're attacking now Pakistan, India. During a parade.

Yeah. Well, during a wedding slash parade. Sure. Okay. Okay. And then they're using a guy who read about, I was saying, they're great. The Afghans... Josiah the mediocre.

The Afghans defeated the Sikhs and Ranjit's favorite general was killed. Now Mohammed Khan had changed over the years. After he turned 30, he stopped drinking and having orgies. Well I think those two go hand in hand a little. Now Josiah thought Khan was modest and polite. He also said Khan was capable of, quote, the most revealing cruelty and greedy for gold and was very cynical. Sounds right.

In September 1837, a Scotsman named Alexander Burns arrived in Kabul. Oh my God. Alexander Burns. He had been sent by the East India Company to act as... That's my friend's name. Oh, right. That's it. That...

Yeah. Holy shit. Hey buddy. He is going to be listening to this and his head will blow up. I mean, he's... Okay. Sorry. It's a quick sidebar.

So he's been sent by the East India Company to act as their local agent. Josiah did not like having another Westerner with power in Kabul and he and Josiah quickly became rivals. Hello Josiah. Josiah said Burns was, quote, remarkable only for his obstinacy and stupidity. Fair. Now, the only three white men in Kabul were Burns, Josiah, and the spy slash fake Kentucky guy.

Well, this is quite a team we have going. Is this the plot to rat race? And they all hate each other's guts. I mean, you can't have a better combo going on right now. Adult like him. He's the worst. We're from Kentucky. Now, having Quaker at his blood, Josiah hated slavery.

Now the Uzbeks were known as slave traders. With Muhammad Khan's backing in 1838, Josiah set out to attack an Uzbek slave trader and warlord named Beg. Name Beg. Beg. Beg. Beg. Beg.

Okay. Josiah wanted to show that a modern army could cross the Hindu Kush mountains. He took 1,400 Calvary, 1,100 infantry, and 1,500 others. Why are you laughing? You know something. It's just an inside joke about a certain word. He brought an elephant. Right.

I'm just thinking of people's heads popping, I'm laughing at them. He also brought an elephant and he was seriously trying to recreate exactly what Alexander the Great had done. That is quite a thing to do. I mean, but the elephant, does it have any use at this moment? This is just an homage. Well when you get somewhere and you have an elephant, the elephant can fucking charge and smash the place.

Yeah. The elephants are nice to you. They're training smash elephants? Yeah. That's quite a claim. Yeah. From what I've seen, they're not defensive of humans. They're worried by them.

Yeah. But when you are mean to them, they run through walls. We're getting on the questions. Let's stop the Q&A. So ball related. So but here's the thing. He found out exactly what Alexander the Great had found out, which is that elephants don't like going over big, cold mountains.

It's weird because they're used to them. Yeah. You should get a mountain elephant though. So he had to send his elephant back, but Josiah. Send it back. Yeah. He was like, get out of here, elephant. Just like Alexander the Great did.

I'm sending you down the mountain. Oh God. I mean, if you're in charge of the elephant, you're like, what? No. Oh shit. I told you. This is like Okcha. Keep going.

But Josiah continued when he was 12,500 feet above sea level, high up in the mountains, he raised the American flag. Why? For who? He's out of his mind. Because he's just, he thinks it's the moon. He's fucking crazy. Yeah.

He had his troops fire a 26 gun salute because he's like, we're at the top. What is he at this point? Is he every culture? I'm a French American surgeon trying to be the king of Afghanistan meet my elephant. America! He wrote quote, the star-speckled banner gracefully waved amid the icy peaks and soilless rugged rocks of the region seeming scared to the solitude of an undisturbed eternity. Oh, wow.

I mean, just burn the poetry book. To what he wrote. Josiah Harlan then led his army down the other side of the mountains. He picked up some locals on the way. They were called the Hazara and there were people who were constantly being raided and taken away as slaves. Josiah then attacked the fortress of the slave trader bag and quickly destroyed it, defeating him.

Now all the Hazara wanted to be friends with Josiah one, Refi bag Hazara was a prince of gore, an area in the central western part of Afghanistan. Josiah stayed in Refi's stronghold for a long time and at the end of his stay, Refi, they made a little bargain. Josiah would train Refi's army and in return, Refi would make Josiah and all of his heirs for eternity, the prince of gore Josiah Harlan of Philadelphia was now royalty. And you can talk.

Boy, you showed her what a catch you are, huh? Well, the first thing I want to say is fuck you, Elizabeth. This is so awesome, and if you hadn't broken up with me, I wouldn't be a prince, and you fucked up, and you fucked up big, and I'm a prince now, and you're not a princess, and you could have been, but if you hadn't done me, I wouldn't have pursued this, but I did, and I am, and you're not, and I'm me, and I hope you're happy with that guy who, you know, works with metal. That'll be good luck with him.

Yeah. I know a guy that could drink metal in the gold for fish. And when I say fish, yes, I mean the same gender and size. Dummy. Also, Elizabeth, if you're listening, take me back. I need you so much, and you are, you are so, I don't want to be a prince, I want to be in your arms. Baby, I will stop all this if you just let me back.

She said a letter to the boat. So the Prince of Gore, Josiah, went off and attacked another Uzbek slave and freed about 400 slaves. He then went to another slave fortress, and on the way Josiah noted how disappointed it was that the Uzbeks were more interested in raiding for slaves than enjoying the local plants. Meaning? Quote, little attention is bestowed upon the elegant in horticulture.

Their flowers are consequently few and not of a pleasing variety. What a weirdo. He digs a fucking nice front yard. Well you all have to if you want one. I mean, if you walk by a house and it's got a bunch of slaves in the front yard instead of a bunch of flowers, you're like, that's gross. So call them on it. You should be like, you should plant flowers instead of having slaves.

It's the same thing. You'll just plant flowers. Take my card. I'm a prince. Yeah, under my job, fuck you, Elizabeth, is the job title. He's just this idiot who, if I could have back, I would. I'm like, either way, have me back, don't, preferably do. I'll do anything for you.

You matter to me so much, it complete me. I'm good either way, but I'll kill myself if she doesn't have my heart in her hand. She's got the softest skin, you know, it's just nuts. Smells good when she doesn't put anything on, too. That's the thing about her. Got a good hum. Does she like flowers by chance? Oh, man.

I'm fucking the flowers. When Josiah arrived at the next fortress, his reputation preceded him. The Uzbek slaver came out and quickly surrendered without a fight. The slaver agreed to recognize Khan as the emir of Afghanistan and to stop being a slaver altogether. Josiah then headed back to Kabul, now a prince and a conqueror, and feeling very Alexander the Greatish. Alexander the Good.

But that wouldn't last long. Sure. When he got to Kabul, the British had arrived. They were now pushing westward. A bunch of Kentucky guys are here. They got the voice. They occupied the sitting. This was the beginning stage of the First Anglo-Afghan War, and the British put Al-Mulk, the cast

raider, back in charge of Kabul. Al-Mulk had not changed. He had a proclamation read, quote, everyone is commanded not ascend the heights of the vicinity of the royal harem under the pain of being disemboweled alive. May the king live forever. Quite an ending. Was that a tweet? That is very much like a Trump tweet.

It's under 140 characters, and it's got a lot of twists. If you did that in Trump's word, it would be like, everyone cannot fuck prostitutes or else you'll have your guts ripped out. USA. Sad. Yes, sad. Josiah quickly went from the top of the heap to a guy who now just completely didn't matter. He also didn't like the British, and he didn't like the way they ruled.

So Josiah decided to come back to America. Whoa. Okay, but he's a fucking prince, so he thinks he's going to roll in and be like, what's up, Elizabeth? No, is that true? Is he going to see me again? Why else would it be happening? Shut up.

We're about to have a castaway moment. No, wait. I don't think it, yeah, I wish. Was this the package you sent? No, I have five kids and I'm happy. Cool. Bye. The British saw Josiah and the way he was treated by locals differently.

The British claimed that Josiah had convinced locals that he was a god and the British did not like Josiah at all. He had quote, gone native, which was strongly disapproved of by the British. He had what? Gone native. He, instead of acting better than them, he just lived their lifestyle and they despised that. Yes.

Right. The British do not believe in that. Right. Hence the dead American Indians. He had trained the Afghans to fight the European way, which had also shifted the balance of power. So the other thing that he had done was he had taught them how to fight the fucking British. The European way is where you say, so sorry after you kill someone, right?

Sorry about that, mate. When Josiah landed in the United States, word got out about his adventures and he was honored as a national hero. What is this life he has? He's just like, I don't know what's going on. I'm a prince. He's getting an American award. Let's do this.

You don't draw it up in the sand like this. He did. He was looking very good. He was very good at working the press. How was he looking? And he was looking good. Okay, good. And he asked them not to focus on his royal title, quote.

He looks upon kingdoms and principalities as a frivolous import when set in opposition to the honorable and esteemable title of American citizen. So he's an amazing bullshitter. Amazing bullshitter. He doesn't give a flying fuck about being an American citizen. He wrote a book. Sounds like he does. He's reading the right script.

I'm from England. He wrote a book called A Memoir of India and Afghanistan with observations upon the present critical state and future prospects of those countries. It's a catchy title. It's long. It's long. Why not just go with what the fuck just happened? Seems also good.

It was published in Philadelphia. After that, Josiah's popularity quickly faded. Oh. He had been working on a much longer book called The British Empire in India, but before he was done writing it, the British force was annihilated and retreated, totally fucking up everything he had written in the book. Was that the title? No.

Oh. It's better than the first one. Though it got a lot of press in the United States, Josiah quickly wrote and published a book called A Memoir of India and Afghanistan. He attacked British imperialism in the book. He also explained how easily Russia could, if they wanted, attack and do serious damage to the British in Asia. This was not something the British wanted out there.

He was denounced in England for doing this, but at the same time, historians and British strategists secretly devoured his book. He was clearly onto something. Americans weren't as upset, but he never published another book again. As he slowly ran out of money, Josiah started looking for new things to do. Here we go. He came up with a new plan and started lobbying the United States government to import camels and set them up in the Western United States.

Alrighty. Any questions? No? They'll do fine. They're used to the seasons. His actual plan was that the government would decide to get them from Afghanistan and he would be sent as the purchasing agent. So he's really...

So his whole plan... Yeah, he wants to get back to Afghanistan. He just wants a free trip. Yeah, he wants to get back to where he's a prince, because right now he's just a fucking citizen. You know what we need are camels. Am I right? Yeah.

Who's in favor? Oh, okay. Great. I should pick them. Am I not, sir? I'll just pick them. Do you know how to pick a nice ripe camel? Oh, you got to feel the humps.

You got to get them ripe. Yeah. You don't... You want it not too hard, not too soft. You want it right in the middle where there's a little squish. And then you buy it. Send me there. He did end up commencing the government that camels were smart and invested.

Well, we're not stupid. Obviously, we need camels. Yeah. So we like what you're saying. Good pitch. But... We'll give you 10% of your company for $100,000, but we get one hump in perpetuity. Absolutely don't want Shark Tank or Superloss Tank.

No, it's an unhump tank. But the government decided to get the camels from Africa and use a Turkish immigrant to get them. So they actually took his bullshit idea and he didn't get his trip. They were like, we found a cheaper camel guy. And he's like, they won't live here, idiots. I just wanted a flight. I know.

He met a new woman. Her name was Elizabeth Baker. Shut up. I... What? Elizabeth Baker, not Elizabeth Swain. But still another Elizabeth. He was like, you'll do.

I've got a dress that I think you'll like. I can... And a wig. I can close. Let me do your makeup. I can close my eyes when I fuck you and call you Elizabeth. Here, put this mask on. Say we've been married for a long time.

Oh, you'll do fine. You'll do fine. You'll do fine. You'll do. You'll do. You'll do. It's actually I do. Oh.

Sorry. Okay. My sweet baby. I'm a prince. I now pronounce you... Sadness and wife. Yeah. They married in May 1849 in Chester County.

He was a Quaker. Her family were very upset. She had married a man who had fought in wars. But he was readmitted back into the Quakers after a judgment against him for violating the rules of pacifism was withdrawn. In what? A Quaker court? Yeah.

Well, like the Quakers, I think you can't go out and... A court? I think if you're a Quaker, you can't go to war as a part of a monarchy in Afghanistan. Really? It seems... what do you have to take an oath or something? They're... Really split in the house tonight with these puns. You are.

Just like... Down here, yes. We've got pockets of resistance. Yeah, you're not supposed to fight. They're pacifists. The whole thing is like peace and... And he went against that? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Are we going to get into that part? Let me know when he crosses a line for you. He had a daughter in 1852. It is said he doted on her, but he also wrote an unpublished autobiography, and his wife was only mentioned once. For his entire life, he carried a poem with him.

No. That... No. If this... That Elizabeth's... Shut up. Had written in 1820. Shut up.

It is all for a girl. Right? Yeah. I mean, he just... He just was... He came back when he was a prince, he carried a fucking poem of the chick who bailed on him that he knew for fucking three weeks all his life, and he got married to a woman named Elizabeth, so he could fuck her and call her Elizabeth, and he kept a poem from...

He knew her for like a month. Hey, honey, I found a poem in your jacket pocket about another Elizabeth. Are we good? This doesn't... This doesn't make men look good. No. Well... I don't know, Dave, it's kind of a motivator.

His next plan was to make money. I want to get an island and call it an Elizabethan Marriott. Was to make money by talking to the US government and to buying Afghan grapes. He spent two years working this angle, but then the civil war broke out. Oh, boy. At that point, Josiah wrote the Secretary of War and declared that General Josiah Harlan was ready to fight for the Union. He worked in Afghanistan.

I mean, good lord. The government apparently thought this was a good idea, and he was given permission to form, quote, Harlan's Light Calvary, 41 officers, 1,089 enlisted men. He had no formal rank, and he had never been in the American military, and had absolutely no idea how modern warfare worked. Yeah, but he... But there he went. That's his...

That's his rap. He just dives in head first and susses. He was now 62, but said he was 56. Jesus Christ. That's a weird lie, too, back then. That's like not a lot of year difference. What do you go with six years? I mean, why not swing for the fences a little?

You're the guy who became a fucking prince six years, and you're just gonna say you're... I'm 30. I'm dying, but I'm 30. He was named a colonel. Once again, he was fighting against slavery, which he loathed, but he commanded the way a guy who rode an elephant over Afghan mountains did. He went big. His treatment of the men was horrendous, which ended in a court-martial.

But he was still allowed to fight. Jesus. What? On July 15th, 1862, while he was serving in Virginia, he collapsed from a combination of fever, dehydration, and dysentery. Well, you'll be up tomorrow. You'll be up tomorrow. He just fell off his horse and stuff's coming out of every hole.

The grapes! The grapes! He was ordered to give up his command and was dismissed from the army on August 19th, 1862. Under the grounds, he was, quote, debilitated from diarrhea. Wow. That is... I mean, and the truth is, not to get too deep into it, but if back then, you have too much

diarrhea, this is not good. The base standard was just everybody else's diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. So if someone's like, he's got bad diarrhea, like poor guy, his kidneys come out, yeah. He died in San Francisco, where he worked as a doctor, and slowly died of tuberculosis. Oh, Jesus Christ. He passed away in 1871.

His life would inspire writer Richard Kipling to pen the short story, The Man Who Would Be King, in 1888. It's a great story. In his personal papers, there is an ancient contract written in Persian. The contract is stamped with an intricate oval seal issued by a tribal leader. This contract granted him powers that included the absolute and complete possession of his government. His heirs are still princes of gore, which means Scott Reiniger, who was one of the stars

of 1978's Dawn of the Dead, is a prince of gore. In a couple of ways, holy shit, Dave. Every morning, Scott should wake up and go, thank you, Elizabeth. Holy shit. Anyway, that's just a classic Philadelphia bro. I've been sitting on that one forever because The Man Who Would Be King is my favorite movie. Have you ever seen it? Oh, yeah.

It's fucking amazing, and that's who it's based on. You haven't seen it? Yeah. Fuck you. You're my Elizabeth Swain. That's Swain a lot, Dave. It really, to your point before, it's just crazy the way that a man can process things. We're not good at it.

We're not good at it. We're really bad. I think with some proper etiquette and training, we can get there, but you can't live in a world where if your heart hurts, you're like, well, I'll be a prince, fuck that guy. I'll show her. Well, I mean, look, she broke up with me, so I'm going to take over part of Afghanistan. See other people? Why?

I've got land. Pretty sure I'm doing okay. You'll come back. You'll see. You'll come back. You'll see. This is how everyone happens. This is how it all happens.

Some guy wants to be like, yo, love me. Some of these guys are like four hugs away from being okay, but it's like, ah, you didn't get your card punched 10 times. You just got the six hugs. You needed 10. You're just four hugs away from being okay. So that's why we started our program, Hug a Creep. Hug a Creep finds creeps who need hugs, and we start some, some, some men are okay.

We're not all like. No, for sure. But that's just like, but that's like everything else we say on the show, I feel like, like you have to be able to nitpick fucked up stuff from people, no matter what the gender, what the race, what the time, whatever the fuck, you have to be able to look at it objectively. And if you can't look back objectively, and at some points go, holy shit, what the fuck was with white dudes for a long time? That's a problem.

And people get pissed. And I understand it. I think if you're a white guy, like we're white guys. I think you, you get pissed, you go, oh, come on, leave us alone. It's like, you just have to embrace the history a little more and go, you haven't been through a lot as painful as this Facebook era when people are talking shit on you is take it on the chin and try to take the cliff notes out of it and fucking learn something and we'll all be a little better.

We don't end on jokes, guys. We never have. Thank you so much for coming out. We're doing, we're selling and signing books at the counter out there and posters too and we'll do pictures. All three. Yeah. So we'll be out there in like 10 minutes or so.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Appreciate the fuck out of it. Thank you.