The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 291 - PT Barnum (Live in NY)

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine showman PT Barnum SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host it is thank you yeah Dave for your birthday they got you my name change on a platter

hey uh by the way you have an open beer on the other side of that thing we have our opener so what's our plan with this it's like Texas did anyone get Dave a mop for his birthday and me new pants oh this will be comfortable if you're listening come off all right just this once just for your b-day big guy coming off if you're listening I spilled Gareth's beer that that my buddy Robert bought me I guess I'll just drink one of the giant ones and it spilled on my pants um hi everybody thanks for coming out yeah thank you we were in New Jersey last night so yeah so you sound like Dave so I don't know if you hear

this Nazi sympathizers yeah yeah we had a mine or Gareth's Instagram you'll see me screaming at him in a lift you don't know what he was screaming yet guys he was like go further yes and motherfucker the lift driver wanted the drive to be over so much he took a corny was like he cannonball ran us there he was like let's go he didn't even stop he just we made this roll out and then tonight on our way here Dave forgot Dave didn't get the right story so we went back to the hotel and the lift driver was already kind of you know he was bubbling and and then and then I'm like waiting in the car with him for a while and he's just

generally pissed and then Dave comes out gets in and then we start moving that a truck crashes into him and and we were like okay so we'll get there and we'll do soundcheck and okay so that's New Jersey's version of a lift is a Nazi sympathizer in New York's as you just get hit yep New York New York but he got a combine those scenarios and the Nazi got hit he got he got out right yeah he got out and he looked at the back of the car because the guy hit us from behind and I go out I get out to look and I'm like I look at him I go you know that's fucked up and then he just goes he just got fucked don't

worry about it and just gets back to the left and I was like and then we go we're like what was he doing he was he distracted he's like yeah we're like texting and driving he goes eating a sandwich and we're like oh well you know we've all been there right my man a lot of stupid hats thank you yes it is my birthday I am we like to say Gary birthday I'm 28 and loving it and loving it 28 years old we have to say anything do we have to say anything yes we do whatever we have to say for reminding us we have to sing happy birthday that's gonna take oh my god the whole thing all right skip around the room skip

around the room skip are we not doing the skip around the room we're not gonna go see brother nobody's doing skip around you guys don't know skip around there I didn't appreciate that at all don't don't do that again we know no we did no sweet bastard sweet bastard when I was in I was doing a festival and we went out to eat at a Benihana type place in Seattle and why did people and it was like me it was like David Cross and Brian Pussain and Patton and a bunch of fucking idiots there were ten of us and we kept pretending like it was someone's birthday and we kept going ha and then the guy would start singing and then we'd

all stop and we and we did it maybe 20 times until he was like stop it stop it is it someone's birthday or not I've got stripped to flip into my pocket Lord I'm making an onion castle over here man work we will be in North Carolina on September 14 15 and 16 and a Charlotte Asheville and Durham you can get tickets at dolloppodcast.com and the tour area and then we'll also be in a place called Australia mm-hmm in October we'll be in Perth and Sydney and Melbourne and Brisbane and guys this is Auckland pick it up Auckland you're the new Adelaide or should I say the new New Jersey because Jersey came in way blow Adelaide right yeah

let's let's let's focus on the positive so yeah get you can get also a dollop podcast we also have a book out I hope everybody here everybody here has bought it or go fuck yourself sold more copies than catcher in the rye yeah and don't be one of these people who's missing I don't know if you've heard of this book but more copies than it's called the Holy Bible yeah yeah and it's equal art of the deal by the way if you're in that hurricane good luck that's the president's quote just look America it's about time we had a president without a soul all right all right all right Dave

sorry do you like I apologize if you like Trump I apologize I know you love there's some Trump lovers in here if you want to see no no no lovers think of the podcast no go to the iTunes review page all right they're not happy about it all right all right wait you got to do the big fuck Jesus Christ fuck me you're spilling beers thank you well the beer just goes right into the floor after a while you're listening to the dollop podcast this is a bi-weekly American history podcast once a week I read a story from American history to my friend and Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic will be about July 5th 1810

sure you've got to know this one right off the bat part Phineas Taylor Barnum was born in Bethel Connecticut oh yeah oh yeah this is I had an advent calendar made for this one we might need a bucket I am I gonna be okay mm-hmm nope can I get it's father Philo huh go ahead it's father Philo Philo Philo yeah from American was a farmer Taylor tavern keeper and grocer okay great so lots of stuff isn't that everything that was available I do everything but make swords and preach so he had ten kids with two different wives okay five of pop I assume the first one sure what happened

back then they just they go right Phineas was the six kid from the and the first with the second wife so he's number one with the number two no well let's stop talking now the seven-year-old and me is like and that's most of me FYI Bethel Connecticut was a very conservative place dominated by the church okay Phineas's grandfather was known as the town practical joker okay sure right I like where we're headed little little prank action sure it was said his grandfather when father would take longer and work harder to carry out a practical joke which young Phineas loved okay sure

Phineas was a good student who excelled in math but hated physical labor okay all right good good work ethic he he worked for his father on the farm and then in the family's general store and the genital store yet general store gotcha general stores were not popular until the 1950s sorry did you say general or genital jet genital okay right until the 50s I'll take a take a black cock and I guess one of the what do you call it pussy we need to see some idea you need to be nine years old to buy stuff like that sir okay that one is that one been a finger boy those Irish cocks are huge are they all that right sir ID and

then you'll show Irish runs always big huh yeah well yeah oh yeah yeah they're big but weird but real weird so so his father died in 1825 and Barnum took what money he had and opened up a small store just outside of the town of Bethel right so he opens up a soul's old cakes cookies raisins and beer sure right yeah the four musts yeah yeah before they call it the four back then the four yeah it's like the Avengers the big ones the ones you need this is like the old timey version of a 7-eleven and then he started taking trips in New York to pick up more stuff to sell pocket knives combs oysters sure again hitting the

top markets you know he found he knows what people want you know yeah my hair's a mess I need seafood what's that sir or yeah would you like some raisins with you I start do I look like a damn fool of course I want raisins and a cake why am I dying do you know I'm and then he started a lottery okay so right okay so this guy he's digging in Zagan which I like I like on zigzagger I really do okay yeah he decided back then you just start a lot or if you wanted to and how okay so he saw how many raisins did you win lots so he says but I get five raisins a year for the next 50 years

which is you know I could have taken 500 raisins but I'm not stupid my family will be taking them friends come out of nowhere you know all of a sudden hey I heard you won the raisin thing well were you five years ago when I didn't have raisins I mean so the the religious and political town leaders were not down with his lottery and they started a campaign what happened I almost spit beer sorry it weren't down with his lottery I see I understand why they're like what are you doing you still all wet from that beer ah soaking yep this leg is ruined so I always travel with two pairs the one underneath and the ones I

wear so they're trying to make lotteries illegal in Connecticut and so now now Phineas is pissed okay so he buys a press and starts his own newspaper oh my god oh boy which is mostly about the lottery okay all right sure and attacking people in the town who are against I would get I was gonna guess against it now he's 19 years old okay sure all right well the paper was called the herald of freedom man it's yeah that is amazing you can hear that I mean we're gonna have that paper in nine years oh how is that not Ron Paul's paper so he was accused of libel three times okay thrown in jail twice once for 60 days

what did the paper have to say about that genius jailed for bullshit I mean what they're doing to this guy is unbelievable he's a good guy he's just got a lot of raisins I mean what the fuck so when he got out of when he got out of the jail all the supporters are there to the lottery people were yes the chair I'm on so the religious leaders got their way and lotteries were made illegal in Connecticut okay so now so Phineas a religion yeah so a lot of terrians a lot of what a lot of terrians pro lottery so Phineas takes his wife and now he just has a young daughter and they moved to Manhattan and he opened

up a grocery store okay at 156 South Street sure his bills are being paid you know he's getting by but running grocery store is a little boring and he wants to be super super rich okay now you also at this time side business he's working in show business in what that time was called quote low amusement the blue color comedy tour who shots fired well Dave they say there's no business like side business so I really like that tour so he would he would book shows around the area he ran minstrel shows and so I'm sorry is if that's a weird thing at this time it's it's not a bad reaction to just say I'm sorry though I'm sorry

sorry sorry sorry for my sorry I'm just what am I but I'm sorry he also would write ads for the Bowery amphitheater which was in the five points neighborhood okay and then he take that time to talent scout for new acts sure so in 1835 a friend told Phineas he just sold his share in a person what so the guy comes in and he goes hey I had stock in a person okay I sold it okay okay I like to play markets so he he had owned part of Joyce Heth who was 161 years old what the fuck all right now let's let's all let's all stop for a second right right that's the correct how old is 161 she was George Washington's

slave childhood nurse so now she's she's older what is it now sci-fi that we do history it's a history podcast she was a nightwalker so she's now on display at Philadelphia's Masonic Hall and she's drawing huge crowds of people coming in to pay to see the 160-year-old woman okay well expecting it back and forth oh she's dead no she's she's what oh she is full of energy what what do you know I running the show was getting tired of show business and want to sell the rights to display Joyce so okay just now cliff well no wait real quick cliff note me back what so her name again Joyce

heth 161 161 in a little show huh and a man says he owns her I know they do owner I mean they're there they pay for to display her okay and then she does she I guess she talks to it so so someone's gonna get on the today show so Phineas here's this story and he thinks it's a little far-fetched what part but then his friend takes out a clipping from a Philadelphia newspaper with this article all about heth and it described her as quote one of the greatest natural curiosities ever witnessed so Phineas Barnum is like that I gotta I gotta check this out so he goes he goes to Philadelphia so he goes into the

Masonic Hall and she's laying on a couch hey and help food not solid food don't leave me now hey hello pick me up no don't help no your phone almost fell on your back right near a puddle already cracked already cracked right near a puddle right nobody cares all right nobody called me today anyway so he said that Joyce heth looked like quote a living mummy she's a grandmummy yeah as she should 161 she was very smart very wrinkled had no teeth and and was blind okay yeah her left arm and both legs were paralyzed my god she's pretty hot and she weighed around 50 pounds and had oh my god what

is good what a little crazy patch of white hair on the top her head and she would tell stories about quote dear little George and then she would sing Baptist hymns so this is show this is a good show I mean like if you if you told me that I'd be like how much you're throwing a lot at us Dave okay all right so she drew a picture a beautiful 50 pounds well at that how are you gonna eat if you have nothing moves and then you can't see it's all bad I mean eventually you'll eventually you come across a brownie on accident but for the most part you're not fine talking about I don't know I don't know maybe maybe

this is the story of the first Roomba you don't know my god singing hymns up she's singing again oh here we go let her go let her she'll tuck herself out she's 161 so Phineas asked the promoter about buying the rights to exhibit Joyce provided that the promoter could prove she was as advertised how are you okay okay what's your social so the promoter shows Phineas a bill of sale dated February 7th 1727 and it stated on it that Augustine Washington George Washington's father agreed to sell Joyce to a neighbor quote one Negro woman named Joyce Hath age 54 years for 33 pounds so that's it it's fucking proof it's on

because okay there's a lot happening here Phineas said quote the evidence seems authentic they've got paper so no more questions from me that's written down it clearly was looks kind of old and really the whole it's brown I believe it it's not from recently no no she's a mortal it clearly wasn't but the promoter had been exhibiting the bill of sale for months and Phineas recognized that the paperwork was good enough to trick the public into paying to see Joyce Hath okay so he was like I'm not an idiot but everyone else is let's do this the promoter wanted $3,000 but Phineas got him down to $1,000 okay

someone's very nice nice shark tanked him nice what a great bargain for a human yeah what are his margins yeah it isn't clear if he was actually buying a slave or if he was buying the right to exhibitor no one really knows but of course we don't know that put down 500 on the spot and then borrowed the rest using his grocery stores collateral general store okay so then he brought Hath to New York and he so he's bet the whole family business on this right and now he has to turn this this sweet deal into money so he goes big you know this would be an inch like a great story if a human wasn't the property it'd be like

this kid's got a dream but instead you're like horrifying no good where I need it I mean I keep going yeah okay yeah you're right it's not like people get treated great no today no but she was I mean if you're an old woman with no moving parts and you can't see you're probably like where are we going so you're not I mean you're basically you're basically right well no shit no but I know it's wrong but it's also like yeah I mean in that time what's she gonna do like you know how to go on my own like then then they just then they just put her by the side of the road and she's like a pair like yeah it's a fucked up

time so if you if someone's like hey I wanted I want to put you out on a show you're like all right I don't want to lay on the road that's that's they welcome to the 1820s it's not great a lot of people are pairs just walking around at paired people ah sucks about Bruce he's a pair now just quit said he was done standing so no so no one really knows how she felt but she went along with everything that's all we know so Barham contracted to exhibit Joyce on Broadway at Nibblos Garden which is the city's most fancy entertainment place okay sure he brought did they talk about this time a lot which what huh go

ahead he got her a new dress and hired an artist to draw her on a poster at which he hung over all over town and as he put up the posters he would yell about quote the most astonishing and interesting curiosity in the world and nurse to George General Washington and the first person to put clothes on the unconscious infant who was destined to lead our heroic forefathers to glory to victory to freedom wait wait wait wait the last one again he went he went big the first person to put clothes on the unconscious infant who was destined to lead our heroic fathers to glory victory freedom oh my god so he didn't consult anyone he

was like I think you need three well no he you can't lose a word from the third one the last one he did on purpose because he thought it would get women to buy tickets because women would be like what a baby and then and then if women and you guys are women you know if you hear that's how we got half of the women here tonight we were like there's gonna be a baby we did say that the guest if you we did say the guest was gonna be a baby if you hear there's gonna be a baby you're like what's good where where the baby I will pay where what are we doing so he was worried about the newspapers New York newspapers

because if they exposed her as a fraud then he'd be fucked right right time to start another paper so he figured the newspaper men they just love money and that it would overrun their belief in the truth so he went to the newspapers and offered to buy ads in exchange for them writing puff pieces okay and most went for it sure and then he invited them to a pre-opening meeting with Joyce and she charmed the shit out of all the reporters stories of George what the ones that Barnum had taught her one was already a known legend about a young George and the cherry tree wait a minute she changed to a peach tree and

they're all like oh oh see now now Joyce we'd always heard it was cherries it wasn't oh it was actually peaches it is a goddamn honor she's unbelievable look at her the whole time we've been saying this cherry thing have you seen gremlins I just keep thinking of the gremlin because the white the white hair on top the gremlin I just keep thinking of the so the reporters are loving it New York Sun quote a greater object of Marvel and curiosity has never presented itself there's a problem in there the object the courier and advertising the old creature is said to be a hundred and sixty one years old and

we see no reason to doubt it how the fuck what I mean okay we know that they're fucking stupid okay we know back then that they're you know they don't like they're like you've got devils in your teeth and we understand that's how they function still even then everyone how old is the oldest person they never fucking know they're like Jeff made it to 51 holy shit 51 what the fuck is secret 161 they're like well we got a meter holy shit it was a peach tree the certificates brown this is real as you were this is after all these years this is the thing you flip out about it's insane I mean I just this I get this

like it would be now if someone was like this guy's 200 we'd all be like what no he's not wait a minute you're saying that you're saying that Barack Obama wasn't born in this country well this is she's the real deal she's the real deal wow it is an honor to meet someone who's 200 so people flock to the show they're lining up outside by the score all ready to pay a quarter to see an old blind paralyzed woman customers would stroll in and walk past her and someone asked questions many had actually never been this close to a black person so I mean that what it's just on but like there's probably there's probably I mean

I just can't imagine being in that situation where you are one of the features as you're like and black I mean this is crazy wow how are you how yeah okay good sorry some would feel her hair or rub her skin ooh it's like if you if you like a snake you're like look at that or or like a like a petting zoo like a little like if there's a little like animal and you're like except this is a human oh some wanted to shake the hand that washed young George Washington others said prayers and some took her pulse what is she what is she doing she's just like oh whatever whatever I think what

she's doing is she's doing what every black person did it this time and just after going fuck white people are nuts I'm in there out of their fucking minds and clearly not a hundred okay never mind now you white people are great keep thinking I'm some kind of magic frog or whatever so like I said no one knows how she felt about it but she would smile and perform and appeared to enjoy herself she had a very good wit when someone would ask what she planned to do with her earnings she would reply buy a wedding dress so she's fucking killing it oh my god that will be on TV oh my god I mean how why would he not I would put

her in a wedding dress as soon as she said that the next show I'd be like oh she's getting married when he's a hundred and forty what did they talk about Phineas or as he was now known PT there it is I've been waiting for it he gave her tons of whiskey and later said she Dave when does this part end Jesus Christ well maybe that's why she's always so happy she's just fucking shit faced you can't get her to drunkers she's just gonna be like I'm 80 he's lying okay shows over I can see to George Washington never been yeah let's do some burpees so she was originally booked for a three-day run

but it ended up being spent extended to two weeks what an honor so she's on display eight hours a day for six days a week oh my god PT made $1,500 a week which today would be about $40,000 a week a prominent surgeon that ain't a good term asked if he could perform on autopsy on her when she died oh thank God you I let you finish we're in the zone where autopsies can be performed on the living right now for me not expect can I cut her open now and see what she died up for sure get in there one quarter though my man I'm not stupid but the reason he wanted to do the autopsy was to discover the secret of her

longevity sure so he's not a good doctor she's full of bullshit she's just full of bullshit how does she do it but Pete T Barnum wasn't thinking about her death he was thinking about making more money taken around the road he figured if he could scam people in New York he could scam people all over New England if he can make it there but what he wasn't counting on was abolitionists right oh there they are right so in 1835 the anti-slaver movement was small weak very much so in New York because everyone in New York had ties to the slave and cotton industry so they didn't give a shit because it turns out in New York just

runs on a bunch of fucking money and they don't care about you all right oh Dave Dave Dave Dave David David what happened I don't have a good I have a fit we're not in lift come on so but in New England abolitionism is till he taken off there are anti-abolitionist papers and the New England anti-slavery society so the first stop on the Joyce Hathunin six-year-old woman tour was Providence Rhode Island sure and there when they got there the abolitionist preachers told all their congregates it was immoral to pay money to stare at a slave okay so he's like boy they didn't tell me about this market yeah yeah no

seriously applaud because it's gonna be great yeah I've been here a hero no a new villain PT said quote my attendance fell off the priest-ridden people came no more God once again preachers are stopping PT for making money and he knew he couldn't out fight the clergy so he told the Providence Journal that he was an abolitionist oh my god and that Joyce Hath was a freed woman touring to raise money to buy her great great grandchildren out of bondage did did anyone talk to her or they were like oh well we're sorry we didn't understand yet a deal well our work here's done I mean we were good to meet you are it was

obviously total bullshit but at work preachers suddenly urged their flocks the show was extended a week due to huge crowds oh my god Boston was next on the tour PT wrote to ministers there and invited them to meet Hath several did and she backed his story about buying her family out of slavery wow again it worked one minister even handed PT ten dollars to liberate her family quote that night a few friends and myself spent it on champagne and oysters this greatest show everybody greatest show on earth talk about a guy who would set us off on Twitter I mean he would just be like I have champagne oysters he'd be like you

son of a bitch who eats oysters or champagne this is a guy who was fucking selling cake raisins and oysters he's like this actually works I used to think raisins paired then I had champagne I said that and two people looked at each other like I do that I don't know I don't eat oysters cuz they know they're fucking gross yeah I'm with you gotta eat really fast little choke oh that's why I wouldn't eat every time every time someone's like telling you how to eat them it's like I put a bunch of shit on it and don't chew it at all you're like is this good you chew it that's why you don't like them no no no the goal is to

get it down your esophagus immediately quick it's okay like a food game it's like it's like a big thing a snot yeah lose it in the only food you lose quick lose it lose it down Tabasco salt lemon don't taste it they're expensive yeah they're not cheap no yeah the fuck is their deal you got a dig to get in there too you got a crack it open on your own and dig it out of a shell yeah but then really quick you gotta great you gotta do what they're supposed to do in the kitchen it tastes like shit and it's not cheap and that's why we do it so in Boston he had half at a big concert hall and then he started to expand his

operation for the first time in a smaller room he had another show there he had a chess playing automaton that drew crowds so it's a cabinet top of the wooden figure that is in a turban wearing Turk right it's a turban wearing Turk wooden inside the box there's tons of gears and levers and then a volunteer would step forward to be like I can play the automaton and chess bring on the wooden Turk and then inside PT placed a little tiny guy who was really good at chess he would just beat people at Chessie like I can't beat the wooden Turk so people

back that are fucking idiots that is I am overwhelmed like how is how do you find that are you good at chess no I'm treated horribly goodbye hey tiny guy yeah he's just like on the prowl just like can you play chess damn it man I'll find me I mean it's a bit it's something I have on my vision board I mean I'm hoping that I find it so Boston crowds start to die out after about three weeks and then PT had an idea oh god he anonymous anonymously wrote to Boston papers attacking his own exhibit as a hoax this guy Jesus God quote Joyce Heth is not a human being what purports to be a remarkably old woman is simply a

curiously constructed automaton automaton made up of whalebone indie rubber and numberless springs I mean it's as believable as the other side she's full of springs is she so now everybody that's gone to see her is like what I need another round they all come back and pay to see her again I'm paying hey you know why I'm not an idiot yeah I want back in she's made out of whale bone India rubber and springs hey Joyce are you whale bone and springs okay okay well her story checked out so people people had already seen her and thought she was real came to have a second look to find out if they had been tricked and

then other people like I got to see this robot lady so then he takes it all over the Northeast and he has the exact same thing everywhere lol hang them Worcester Springfield Hartford then they started second tour in 1836 and all is going well until Joyce suddenly died you guys she's a hundred and sixty one what got her so her springs broke and she passed away we'll be burning the whale bone tomorrow PT related right quote the old woman had kicked the bucket I could humbug the world no longer that's what it's called we tricked the world back then humbug you wait he couldn't what I could humbug the world no longer okay

okay he could humbug the world gotcha but now that he knew there was no cash there was so much cash in this show business thing he started thinking up things over time first he considered keeping her death a secret and taking her on a stand sorry taking sorry taking a stand into England so he's he's gonna find another old lady for a minute the way you laid that out there we were all like wait what he's like well does she need to be alive as the question is that a must I feel like I something to these springs and whale bones I feel like I came up with something here that could have made some money so he was gonna

bring a stand into England where nobody would know it was her or not right but then he remembered the doctor who want to do the autopsy so he booked a theater on Broadway what oh my god you guys all watch Quincy it's the same thing and he arranged for the surgeon to perform the autopsy live on stage to watch it you had to pay 50 cents one thousand five hundred people paid they watched her carried out and she was placed on an examination table then the doctor came out dressed up in his doctor outfit I'm a doctor well I mean what is there any dialogue yeah so awkward came out I'm a doctor it made an announcement he said

here we was and then he said we'd be he would be searching for signs of ossification which is the hardening of an internal organs that are observed in the extremely elderly so he's looking for internal signs that she is super old right okay so it's nice and did they have any idea what they were doing or he was just like I just I'm looking for a number on a piece of paper in here I believe they should believe I believe they did I believe they did at this was actually a thing so and for everybody he slices are open and he's talking everybody through it where you from he's and how long you two been dating I'm looking right at you

man who do you think I'm talking to this guy's like who's she talking to talking to you man where you from how long have been together this kidney out here we are oh I used to be a grocer and everything else yeah two years what's your secret all righty I'm just gonna have a little fiddle in here so he saw us through her chest and and opens up her skull and he takes out her liver and her lungs and her heart and her brain so Joyce is just leaving in well that's all she's all over the place now like this is sure little parts of Joyce can I get another table then he does his does the whole thing and then at the end he

concludes that there was only minor ossification and he then announced quote Joyce Heth could not have been more than 75 or at the most 80 years of age scandal who saw this coming only one newspaper the Sun covered the event so the next day a headline read dissection of Joyce Heth precious humbug exposed okay so we're back to our reported quote it is probable that 10,000 have been made from this the most precious humbug humbug of modern times so now PT is exposed as a con artist well he's been humbugging so humbug fuck he he goes to the the editor of the Herald who hated the editor of the Sun and told the editor of

the Herald that the autopsy had been a sham and he said Joyce Heth is actually still alive man oh my god get me whale bone and springs we'll show this guy who's full of shit he told her the doctor had actually dissected a woman named Aunt Nelly who was unknown and it recently died in New York so the Herald the next day publishes the full story front page quote Joyce Heth is not dead on Wednesday last we learned from the best authority she was living at Hebron and Connecticut the Sun had been fooled the Herald said the Herald stated they had this on knowledge on good authority well part of the thing now is that you

probably can't even prove that it was her if you like you can't go like isn't that her you'd be like where's she she sorry we don't know oh she's in part yeah the jury like her heart is out so so come on so now thousands of New Yorkers had paid to see Joyce Heth both alive and dead and one paper said she was dead and 80 years old another said she's alive and 161 years old the truth is a total fucking shambles no one knows what is real PT Barnum later right I had it last found my true vocation oh my god man I was expecting to like prep myself for elephant abuse sweet God so I'm pining for the circus so there were at the time

there's two big museums and museums are not a big thing then there's peels museum in Philadelphia and the Scutter Museum in New York and that exhibit sort of odd interested things that have been found like actual things shells animals skeletons clothing stuff like that clothing yeah like that we found this top we found this clothing on a guy that we killed and took from him look at that those are great boots hey look a human so the the main Scutter guy died and his family just wanted to get rid of the museum they're like I don't we don't care okay PT tried to buy it but then the peal museum comes swooping in and it's

a public traded company and they offered stock and the Scutter Museum owners jumped so PT was out but then luckily there's a big stock market collapse and the peal stock collapsed it's almost worth nothing and then peal buys but basically both museums for almost nothing so now he has a bunch of shit so he opens his own museum at Broadway and Anstreet just across from City Hall on January 1st 1842 it's called the Barnum American Museum and it contained all the good stuff from the other two museums plus new additions oh now freak shows have been around since the 60s well there we go

there it is and the 19th century freak shows really took off many of them were people doing amazing things or being an oddity like a sword swallower or a bearded woman Chang and Aang were a good example of sure yeah still cannot get over that they had so many kids I will never be able to handle the fact that that much fucking was happening so I can't even fuck my wife when I'm holding Gareth's hand oh wow that wasn't my hand dog and we'll get there like they said we'll get there like in counting that we go through the counseling you always say it's time you

guys both say it's time don't be negative so back then freak shows were called 10 in one shows because you paid to usually see 10 freaks so PT's plan is to combine the freak show and the museum good good merger the first big museum attraction was the Fiji mermaid oh god now forever men on the seas have been reporting they had seen mermaids because they were so bored everything was eight months away it's just you're sitting there on a boat and then they go to land I almost married a mermaid and then ten years later it's like I had sex with one yeah we kept in touch but you know families you know they don't that's

just that they don't have a place to have sex believe me I'm sure those men would have figured out something horrible I'm gonna fuck the boat while I just touch your hair oh god sir Larry that's a salmon don't tell anyone my god man you put a wig on a salmon it's been eight months when do we get there in here hey we're at land oh god you're telling me I did this right before we hit layer I did so much it was gonna be today I apologize if anybody brought a child so at this point the mermaids are inspiring inspiring poetry stories art Hans Christian

Anderson had just published the little mermaid in 1836 which was a huge hit so mummified book real quick in the original it's a pack of mermaids and they all want her to kill the prince mermaids are fucked up it's what a way better story oh yeah just like a bunch of them like kill him and she's like I like him they're like stab him she's like Disney's like there's a singing crab and they're dating now well Disney has a director murder maids so now mummified merpeople had been inside shows and in fishing villages in Japan for a very very long time wait mom sorry what mummified merpeople mummified merpeople

that's what I said okay you sure I said I used the correct term okay um it hits a lot of demographics the Fiji mermaid had been bought by a Dutchman in Japan who was said to be an orangutan sewed on to the top of a salmon cheers so I can uh do you like another beer because I said orangutan sewed on to the top of a salmon how do you know what the top is at that point an orangutan oh my god oh my god the Fiji mermaid spent some time I mean wait I mean that it's a mermaid what do you want what do you have questions that's a lady from the sea look at it you see the fish part all right let's make a deal

well it's like one of those things where like in we have an idea of something and we make it all pretty and then and then in other countries like the Dutch version of Santa Claus yeah like it's like that in in Japan like we're like mermaids are pretty in Japan's like now you put a muck out of fish so hot as Christmas item that year move over tickle me Elmo so so the Fiji mermaid spent some time in Europe touring but was eventually believed to be a hoax particularly in England where they were like fuck this shit I don't buy it anymore yeah and then it made its way to the United States of America sure and

into the hands of Moses Kimball who ran the Boston Museum and he was also friends with PT so he approached him about the exciting mermaid and showing it in New York and PT then leased the Fiji mermaid and they came up with a background story that involved a doctor in London who had control of the Fiji mermaid and and then he tried to get it and the doctors I will not allow this beautiful specimen to be seen by public eyes oh god and then it was a whole like thing and this gate this gave the Fiji mermaid credibility in the public's eyes didn't take much so the doctor said no oh my so so this fake doctor in

PT Barnum are having a public fight in newspapers over where the again he's just fighting with himself where the mermaid should be shown and they finally agreed to show it at the New York concert hall and people just fucking pour in like crazy just imagine when the media was easy to take advantage of and people didn't notice so weird fake fake news is new so people are pouring in and then there on the stage the fake doctor who was actually just a buddy of Barnum's who's a lawyer I'm shocked he's even a lawyer what's he doing he's like yeah I hate law I guess I'll be the fake doctor in the mermaid show yes PT stop so you

don't pay me what if you make money you pay me okay so he would be there on stage and he would explain he would go through all the mermaid's history and what it was and the mermaid was advertised in papers as this beautiful creature they had drawings of half woman half fish and the people get in there and it would be a dried up crazy half monkey half fish never be like no that's great like nobody gave a shit no one was like where's the pretty one they're like ah it's a great dried monkey where's the girl from the picture speaking of pictures oh god what oh no

there it is I like that they get to see it first oh no holy shit boy I was picturing something way shittier I really was I mean this is I mean this is fairly convincing it's horrific oh my god oh god like if you're a sailor you'd be like I'd fuck that I mean at one point someone was probably just like she's dying get her to water no Ted no come on we gotta try so after week the Fiji mermaid was transferred to his museum and attendance triples now Charles Stratton was born in Connecticut in 1838 and he grew normally for the first six months of his life well Dave that says that that stopped and then after

six months he stopped growing after six months he stopped growing okay so he he grew another inch between that time and when he was four so he's under two feet tall but besides being tiny he was like a normal kid like he just didn't grow in size but he he didn't stay a baby right he kept turning into a little person right and he happened to be a very distant relative of P.T. Barnum a dear fifth cousin talk about regretting going to a reunion so uncle P.T. wouldn't leave me alone he's got a job for me so how was I at chess so through his family P.T. learns about Charles and contacts the parents who naturally agree to lease

their four-year-old absolutely absolutely yeah no we didn't want to keep him but absolutely we would love to lease him we've always seen him as a property yeah so P.T. taught Charles to sing dance mime and do impressions he named him General Tom Thumb like he went first of all stolen Valor among the issues sure oh my god imagine if war broke out they're like general what do we do so P.T. would tell people that Tom was 11 years old and he the kids at natural showman and the crowds just eat him up and he did an amazing Napoleon impression of what is doing a Napoleon impression at that

time by the time he was five Tom was drinking wine and when he was seven he would stand there smoking cigars see and that people don't understand the stress of war so he's so he's five and drinking wine which is okay I like that cigars came after wine yeah so well I mean after you had a couple you know it'd be good a cigar I was thinking just like you Tom Thumb let's have a couple shall we and he just gives him the party cuts off all right that's me and that you there you go but enjoy that we're celebrating P.T. build him as quote the smallest person that ever walked alone because this one guy had a partner

Tom so that shows like crazy was a huge New York hit so P.T. then took Tom Thumb on a European tour in 1844 again he's a huge hit in Europe he played for monarchs and other bigwigs he met the Queen of England and the Tsar of Russia Tom Thumb would always be P.T. Barnum's biggest star and then they returned to New York after three years and continue being a huge draw at the Museum now by 1846 Barnum's Museum is drawing 400,000 visitors a year wow so here's what it's like it's been so I'm just gonna go it's there for like 20 years so I'm just there's no like time of what's there and what's not let's go through stuff so the

museum was a block long it's near City Hall they had live bands playing to get people to come inside and as you walked down the street he painted huge grotesque animal paintings on the wall to catch people's attention sure sure oh I want to go in there you pay 25 cents there's a constant changing live act and curiosities like they're all binos giants quote midgets the world's fattest man who was 300 pounds like today our world's fattest man could eat their world's fattest man in like 30 minutes yeah no if you yeah good lord I mean people like 300 pounds wow oh my god he would have taxidermy exhibits and live

animals now this is all inside of a building okay good there were elephants okay crazy sure just inside of a building sure snakes and bears oh my god well okay it's crazy that they're individually in buildings and they're all there together well I don't think they're in one room they're in different now but still it's a little nerve-racking like on the top floor you could find John Grizzly Adams frolicking with his bears that's what it said in the thing I read frolicking frolicking frolicking was the word that was used so they're just replacing the actor eight times a day your husband died doing what

he loved frolicking so it was $5 and a card sometimes you put animals in with their predators so people go watch it like a bunny being eaten by a wild cat or whatever great that's why we came on Thursday he built an aquarium in the basement that's not crazy so far that is crazy why I mean it's crazy but listen to what you're telling me an aquarium in the basement I've seen those what yeah and fucking big aquariums you go downstairs like I look the little fish and then you'll be like oh look a shark and that's crazy I feel like it's not that kind of a great day we had what think of what you've hit me with so far

it's crazy but there's elephants there inside this is the first public aquarium in the country and he had tons of different fish and hippos and sea lions okay now that's now that's crazy now that is crazy that's crazy I was picturing like he had a couple you know you had like an eel and a bunch of fish no yeah hippos hippos big and in night and in 1861 he got two white beluga whales oh my god in a basement now now how do you feel about my basement comment Dave this is crazy he put them in the tank and then it was set up so fresh salt water would be pumped in from the ocean New York Times quote the tank is

58 feet deep and 25 feet wide and has seven feet of seawater in it oh I mean dude what so that's not so it's 50 58 feet deep maybe they mean deep they mean long deep because it doesn't matter because if you have a 57 feet and you put seven feet of water in it you're a dickhead just up to the beluga's eyes oh they like to splash they don't like to swim oh no beluga's are splashes oh great so there's a lot of room for all the animals there and he's like it's a white whale so everyone's like what do you mean those white whales that's the attraction there not just like it's a whale yeah of course of course they

like the white one back then they're like a white whale well that's a good whale my kind of whale so I'll go back to the quote New York Times quote this tank is 58 feet deep and 25 in width and has seven feet of seawater in it and seems to suit the whales imminently sure and how many whales have the reporters seen prior to this my guess is none they seem happy mr. Barnum has fears that the pets will have but a brief if brilliant career in their new quarters but we prefer to predict them for a long and happy one well it's good that they're covering both sides of the issue the reality of death and you know

being hopeful that maybe it does go on forever but so it turns out whales don't do great in basements weird over the time of the display the museum went through nine whales but how great is it to be there on that day when one died the stories that you can tell terrible oh well back then they probably liked it he also had a historical wax figures he often would take celebrities of the moment and create a wax statue of them I can only imagine how I mean we have not perfected that technology now what were they like then I mean you must have just been like well it's a lump with a hat on it so one woman was on trial for

murdering another woman and her child this is a big murder trial in New York City at the time so while the trial was taking place PT built a wax diorama of her he called it the witch of Staten Island and he recreated the scene of her chopping up the mother and the child did I mention his whole thing was to create a wholesome family environment Dave I'm worried about PT so it's I think he's a few whales short of a tank it's just a super bloody crazy diorama all right so he also had Jesus Christ in the last supper in wax he put on flower shows beauty contest dog shows chicken contests he had America's best chicken he had a

bunch of baby contests like fattest baby Harriest baby happiest baby Harriest baby on the roof he had a strolling garden with a view of the city and he would launch hot air balloon rides every day is is it does anyone talk to him or they're just like whatever you want literally we may have whales be taken off a hot air balloons I got hairy babies I got fat ones they're fighting chickens it's all fucking safe we got elephant snake let's dance well obviously there's not a lot of regulations happening doesn't feel like it certainly doesn't feel like it he built the

lecture room which held 3,000 people and there he would have how to be full of shit there he would have people lecture about morals and put on plays the same guy who took an autopsy to Broadway had to be a good guy and behind them as they spoke backdrops would move and then pyrotechnics would go well at least he got something right inside of course yeah I mean how did the whales like fireworks I guess is the question they like oh they love them no they're used to him there was a doctor of phrenology who was there to inspect people's heads oh you're a creep he also had the Cardiff giant which was a hoax which was

done by a guy from upstate New York and Cardiff who told people he had unearthed a petrified giant that he had created himself and don't take me then so Barnum tries to buy it but the guy's like no this is my giant and then so Barnum was like fuck you and he made his own giant and he called it the Cardiff giant and he said that guy's card giant is a fake so this is just he I mean he is an innovator in the level of aggressive bullshit people were just like we're one about what's right he was like what's right I win right so the hippo near a whale so then the original guy I found the giant sued Barnum for saying that he

was saying it was the fake giant and then the judge was like you guys they're both fake and threw it out okay that's an interesting moment when they're like well the verdict was bullshit I agree he also had minstrel shows what is that so what here's what a minstrel show is so so white people white people don't know but I'm just saying get ready it's not good white people did not want to go and sit somewhere and watch black people entertain them because that would be wrong because you can't be entertained by black people you should be entertained by white people so white people will then dress up in blackface and white

people be like I'm watching black people we're fucking crazy as fuck so in other words if you were black and wanted to work in entertainment you had to be 161 otherwise white people were like that's our role so so PT Barnum had this main minstrel guy was jack dive in this Irish guy but then he quit or left for some reason surely not like a moral compass ten we're moving the next best minstrel Mr. Performer in New York was a guy named William Henry Lane who who PT Barnum knew from when he used to be a showbiz guy down in the Bowery and whose stage name was Master Juba now the problem was was that Master Juba was

actually a black guy and because people didn't want to watch black performers they want to white people dressed up like black people oh my god so he brings a Master Juba to star and he hasn't put on white makeup what oh my god make it look like he's a white guy dressing up like a black guy and then no more PT sent an anonymous letter to a newspaper no no alleging there was a black guy pretending to be a white guy performing at the show and then all these people came to see if they could spot the actual black guy who was dressed up like a white guy pretending to be a black guy money

my god what a guy when you're kidding you go to the circus they don't tell you this stuff good Lord in 1854 Barnum wrote and published his autobiography the life of I'm an asshole and other bullshit I'm full of the life of PT Barnum he would continually rewrite and republish the autobiography and then contradict himself in later versions so what I mean so this would lead people to buy each version to see how they changed and at the end of the 19th century the number of copies printed of the autobiography was second only to the number of copies of the New Testament printed in North America and we wonder

why we're messed up it's not us we just had shitty parents we didn't have a shot William Henry Johnson was born in 1842 already don't like it very very poor African-American family his parents had been slaves his body grew normally but his head remained very very small Dave this is not gonna be good he had a tapering cranium and a big jaw someone just said take it back I can't this is there's too much talking happening there's a lot of chatting stop talking chatty okay he had a tapering cranium a big job this naturally attacked attracted freak show people he was called quote a pinhead his parents agreed to let local

circus display him for cash he was billed as the missing link and displayed in a cage they said he was caught in Africa the missing link was very popular that's in New Jersey now PT finds out about the missing link and let me guess Dave he had cartoon dollar signs on his eyes exploitation why I'm in taxi taxis don't exist they do now I've invented them this springs and whale bone he found out of the missing link and he said this is wrong I would never do something with that to a human being here we go but here's the problem he bought the right yes I knew it I was just about to say whatever yes and then he took it up a

notch he put William in a first suit and shaped his hair so went all the way up to a point and gave him the name zippy the pinhead and build him as quote what is it how's it going over there zippy holy shit that's getting tough at the museum crowds were told he was one of a group of missing links who survived on raw nuts and fruit but he was now learning to eat food like bread and cake what okay so does he only know about four foods and he's gonna start selling beer is there anything else to eat he's got oysters in his pockets how about that when the curtain was pulled back zippy would

screech and rattle the bars on his cage naturally this act was insanely successful over the years he would become less insane and more civilized he was actually visited by Prince Albert and many other famous people sure during the Civil War PT drove PT dove into crowd-pleasing anti-confederacy attractions one of the most popular was a wax version of the president of the Confederacy Jefferson Davis in a dress fucking leave that statue up I mean seriously New York honestly let's fucking fund that statue Dave can we do that no seriously can we make that our cause we

should see if we can crowdfund that and say in honor of PT Barnum we should totally do that how can we not do that well you know the government's been odd lately well we'll look into that that would be that would be amazing how about that that's actual history which I think gives us a leg up yep we're like we love our past you know get the bell you know flag-bearing Patriots you mean it oh yeah yeah it's tribute okay you snicker no please happen so he added more and more proof pro-union exhibits lectures dramas in 1864 he hired an actress who had been a spy for the Union to lecture about her adventures

behind Confederate lines during the Civil War he was also elected the Connecticut Legislature as a Republican representative for Fairfield and he spoke out against slavery which he considered to be against the will of God and the Confederacy says not yeah I mean there's some okay there's some inconsistencies with his morality yeah so the Confederacy was not down with PT shows in his political activity and they sent some men to New York City to set fires which were supposed to be a distraction to make a raid on weapon stashes now this is a little this part's a little unknown some say they tried to

burn down the museum and didn't some say they did either way in 1864 PT Barnum's Museum went up in flames okay bummer the entire block the entire block did anyone try for the whales um actually they used the whale water to put out the fire and save those bones I'm making actors it turns out that's not good for whales it turns out whales need water but you know that's a catch-22 situation well you're not gonna catch the whales so I mean really what like at that point what's the point of being like there's fire you're like okay well the whales are gonna die for sure yeah so no one was killed but a lot of animals died some

people thought the so someone was killed yeah animals yeah some people thought the wax figures were actually people and grabbed them and you just pick up a pile of melted shit and be like yeah oh thank god Napoleon's okay huh that's just a candle in a hat I know it's like let me just say to all the audiophile dickheads listening to the podcast I don't need to know that Gary screamed right there don't don't send me your fucking email I'm pretty aware what happened go fuck yourself step out of your stereo and be a human being for once yep one person grabbed the Jefferson Davis wax statue and tossed it out the window at this

point thousands had gathered and we're watching the fire and as Davis flew out his dress went up and the crowd cheered some kids then dragged away dragged away Davis's statue and hung it on Fulton Street the New York Times said it was defective furnace but many believe it was the Confederacy that burned down the museum 31 million tickets had been sold to the museum over its life but PT Barnum cannot be stopped he quickly opened a new museum just up the street he had it up and running within a year he used a new technology to heat the building boilers unfortunately they were

a new technology and a boiler explosion burnt down the second museum right when I load it in the whales too in 1868 okay so now what he decided to go to the museum is now he bought a very large house he built a huge sort of mansion that he named Iranistan which is strangely also burnt down it had a good run so he decided to just focus on performance attractions and briefly opened a location on 14th Street which also burnt to the ground Jesus what is going on a boiler malfunction oh my god what okay he also put all his money now into a big land development project outside a bridge port that went belly

up and now he's fucked okay so he he's done with museums and he started up a traveling circus oh boy in 1871 finally no more pain we're through the bad part we're finally at the circus finish line and it all worked out we're not when I couldn't do that I would I wasn't about to do that to you that you wouldn't handle the elephant stories I'm not doing the elephant story I know I well I already know what if this is all lead up to the circus the circus is a whole different fucking ball of wax you know we don't do it we always want to see girth cry no we wouldn't know where the beer ended and my tears started so he

starts his traveling circus in 1871 it was called PT Barnum's grand traveling museum an azure egg caravan and hippodrome what's up I mean he was so on everything that I was fucking mine is he on cocaine and the answers yes he's also he was also like a huge star of his time like if he he wasn't like he was like the Brad Pitt not that good looking but but like everyone came to town they're like I'm talking about PT like the fucking Mark Twain anybody was probably during one of the fires someone rescued a wax statue of him of his like I'm gonna save your brother and he's outside like hey not me it's just

the thing of wax with a hat on it so there was another traveling circus James Bailey's and in 1881 because there was not a big market for two circuses they merged but then they didn't get along and they broke up in 1885 but then I mean talk about an awkward separation all right well you get the Tigers and I'll get the Lions no no no no the Lions mind I came in with the lion all right well we each get a lion and we each get a tiger I mean I know Lions you get the Tigers okay I'm gonna give you the tiger but I want most of the clowns I want nine of the 15 and this is not negotiable some of those are

my best friends they come with the car so it's it's 15 and that's my car so you get the car and you get six fucking clowns I'm just asking for the nine we'll get another car I'm not worried about the car I'm not even sure there's six or 15 and it's hard to count how I understand it's impossible to count some days there's four the other day there was 39 I don't know what they're doing they're like gremlins which I heard about at a show recently I want the elephant I want the elephant I want to take you know you did not take in the guy yeah you get the car in the elephant I named him jumbo my friend the

elephant I'll take good care of me you won't die on a train drunk it's my elephant he's friends with the clowns and the old woman you're not taking the old woman she's in pieces aren't we all anyway after three years apart they got back together in foreign Barnum and Bailey's circus which was a huge hit and grew and grew PT ran for the United States Congress in 1867 and lost to his third cousin William Henry Barnum tough to root for a Barnum but okay in 1875 he's elected mayor of Bridgeport Connecticut where he lived most of his life he worked to improve the water supply bring gas lighting the streets and

enforce liquor and prostitution laws yeah thank you he also created a museum in Bridgeport Connecticut where he had lived most of his life unfortunately he never saw in a museum no he lived in Bridgeport Connecticut okay unfortunately he never saw the museum completed as he died just before it was finished in 1891 at 80 years old in June 2010 the Barnum Museum was destroyed by a tornado Wow dude I thought last night was nuts holy shit this guy doesn't have a greatest hits album he has catalogs sweet mother of God but America fucking

loved it all of course not surprising truly someone was gonna fill that void and become president can't fucking help yourself he can't I mean it's just like you know we put the cookies on the fridge and the toddler still finds them he gets up there no I don't disagree obviously holy shit so just the worst just the worst but also just allowed in that time so it's like yeah it brings out the worst in you if you're allowed to be a shit you get the shittiest so that's why we put in that's why we got to be careful what it's just when people don't fucking call bullshit

on you it just gets out of control and nobody was going like should you put whales inside considering four of your museums have burned down in the last month if it were just like let him go he's got zippy for crypeat what else are the whales gonna do I mean if they're not there to be looked at then they're just fucking off right sorry what's your point I'm saying my argument is that maybe whales don't exist if they're not in a thing for people to look at it's not true we have evidence to the contrary yeah have you seen whitefish the documentary on PT Barnum's whales how do we get out of this pickle day fair thank

you guys very much for coming out we appreciate the fuck out of it yes thank you truly it means a lot we love coming here so thank you guys very much we'll be back and not too long so thank you