The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 293 - Gaston Means (Live in Durham, NC)

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Gaston Means, a nearly unexplainable man. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Repeatedly! That sounded great. It was a fly in my mouth and his name is Dave. Just perfect. Just how you drew it up a few years ago, huh asshole? The old name Koo, huh? I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah you do. You sit back sometimes and you're just like I feel bad for you man. That's brutal. Socks. They wrote that thing in the Guardian they called me Gary five times you're like brutal. Brutal man. I don't know what to tell you man. Socks were texted back and forth. Socks man. I mean it's bullshit. I'm like you're at your heart shoulder to cry on. Yeah you're on your way. You're on your way you son of a

bitch. I feel great right now. I bet you do! I have the number one album, comedy album right now. My name is my name. That even took me a second. I was like why wouldn't it fuck you? Yeah so if you haven't bought it it's hothead. So it's called as you can imagine that's appropriate. I call it Harry. And it's Harry head and you can get it on the whatever. All the things. Sure. There's one that doesn't have it. Whatever you like. Yeah. Whatever your little thing is. Ciso's got it. Listen your little music on. Ciso's making a strong way. You can download it at Ciso. Ciso's coming back. Let's not write that off.

I don't think we've Ciso'd the last of Ciso. David. Good Lord. Thank you guys very much for coming out. We appreciate it. We've been led to believe that if there's a fire we've just all said that's okay and we're going. So that's cool. So we all hopefully everyone signed their their thing. Thanks for coming out. Last time we were in Charlotte. All right. And Dave don't feed the fire baby. We can always return. There were a lot of there were a lot of people who came alone because they were like I can't tell anybody. So that was closet dollopers. I don't want them to know. Life's a pickle. Any who's

abysses. If you're listening at home we're doing a tour of Australia. We just listening in the car. I really think you're eliminating the car. If you're listening at work. How about if you're listening. What if you're you could be listening while you're having sex. Really weird. All right. Has anybody done has that happened. Yes. A lot of people said yes. Good Lord. Well that's some that's some Jim Morrison shit right there. That's while drinking blood. Yeah we have a whole thing. Today someone chastised me on Twitter they said New Zealand is not part of the Australian tour. It's different. So I would like to say that on

the Australian tour will be stopping by New Zealand. Something tells me Dave's gonna have a good attitude going in. Part as part of the Australian tour. We're gonna be in Auckland. You guys Auckland you're selling the worst your shit. You have a beautiful country but as far as ticket sales you're you're worse than Adelaide. Who is now doing great. Adelaide came around. Yeah. So Adelaide Perth no not yet. But it's I get like to give bits and pieces Dave. We'll be in Brisbane Melbourne Sydney Adelaide Perth. Gold Coast. Auckland. That's all of them right. Sure. And then we're gonna and then we're gonna take a couple of days. Did you say Perth?

Yep. Okay. We're gonna take a couple of days and we're gonna go swim with the fucking turtles or whatever shit you got up north. Yeah you're gonna fuck up some what you like to call the dead great barrier reef. Well I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry is someone telling the truth up here. Here's what's gonna be problematic is when like the bad news coming has come. When we're like I mean it's dying of people. That's a bummer. Then when it's gone and it's like I hope you like bottom fish. I like bottom fish. All right. We're done here. I like a bottom in general. Okay. It's like that mermaid we heard about recently. That's

my lady. A mermaid. That's a callback. It's not working. How many of you guys were actually caught up on the podcast? That's not bad. It's not. That's good. How many have never heard this and are just here tonight? Hey! We're going with an A-O. That's how you know. What do we say here? What's the catch phrase? A-O? A-O? Welcome. Do you have any idea what this is? How the fuck did you get here having no clue? They're like come with us. You're like cool. Let's go. I love it. They just shook the keys the whole way. I'll be at the Madhouse Comedy Club November 14th 15th 16th something like that. It's a Madhouse. Just so you guys know I'm gonna

let this little secret out now. Episode 300. That's what you've always been waiting for. Whoa. It's gonna be the one that blows the fucking roof off this motherfucker. Is the Rubazombie? You dreamt about it. You've asked for it. It's common. Alright. Alright. Let's calm down, David. Come on. You've cleaned your glasses. We've got a room key. Okay, Dave's giving out his room key. The game is this. Dave's gonna throw it out and then you got to figure out which room it is. Hey, if you get there, you get Dave. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, if you guys, if anybody catches, can you give it to my wife? What? He didn't throw it, Heather. C? C to C logger. Yep. C's. It's like C&C music

factory, but the beer. If you guys weren't alive for C&C music factory. Can I say how proud I am of you for having run the Jules open on whatever the fuck you just closed? What happened? You had run the Jules open on whatever you just closed. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I listen to run the Jules. I know. I know. I might be a lot closer to run the Jules than you could ever imagine. Alright. It's all relaxed. Not all of us have DM'd with Killer Mike. Okay. Alrighty. Alrighty. Yeah, we'll see. I'm gonna one up you with run the Jules. I don't know what's happening. Let's tell you guys. It's Frederico over here and he, someone fucked him out of a ticket, so we

helped him out. Yep. And his mother, who were allowed to call Macarena, which is nice. She said, she came to the dressing room. She said, who's the one who makes me laugh? To be fair, Jeff Dunham was back there. Shot's fired. Oh, yeah. We should. Oh, shit. Spicy early on this one, huh? It's good to be in Charlotte's opposite. It is shot. Oh, no. No. You didn't tell me this was happening. I didn't. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Say you're a guy. I'm not a guy. And there's another guy in another country that's almost exactly like you. And every once in a while, he shoots off missiles. And you get, Dave, you get mad and you're like, I'm fucking blow your shit up or whatever.

Yeah, but you shouldn't do. You shouldn't say you're gonna fucking fuck people shit up on Twitter. Okay, again, everyone's watching if you have some followers and stuff. Sure. Sure. However, yeah. Who, who are they going after with these ads? Because we're aiming at one person. I'm talking in general. I'm talking in general. No, you're not. Nobody else has the problem you speak of. One other person and he's in North Korea. Well, yeah, that guy I'm being very specific about. Yeah. And Kim is, you know, that guy's office rocker. But he can't use Talkspace. But I'm talking about in America, if you're, if you're a guy who's like him and you have, if you're a guy who's like him, if you have

a phone or the internet, if you're a guy who's like him, if you're, if you're a guy who can't see off Twitter and just like basically calls everybody douchebags all day, this might be good for you. And so when you pick up Twitter at 3am, when you're on one of your, I don't know, pill binges, here we go. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. You can just instead of you can just maybe text your therapist. Sure. Instead of instead of texting, you know, about, about just, you know, we know who this is. And it's very, it's not Joe Biden. I'm not, it's a general, it's a no, it's not, it's not Joe Biden. It's a general sort of just person. It's not a specific person. Sure. So I'm saying it's important for the doll

to come from Talkspace, the online therapy company for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy, red, red hair, you can pick up an experienced licensed therapist you relate to and feel comfortable with. How's he going to relate to a therapist, this hypothetical man you speak of, who lives in Washington DC and has as much power as the leader of North Korea? I mean, I don't know. Well, maybe you're bummed because you're property in Florida got a little messed up. So it got wet really fucked up by the winds in the, in this storm. So each and every therapist has at least a master's degree and can talk to you about your properties. And they've completed over 3000 hours of supervised work. I mean, call

them up and say, Hey, I tried to try to build a hotel in Moscow. And it, it's illegal, but I need to talk to somebody about that. So to match with your therapist, go to Talkspace.com slash Dullup and show your support for this podcast. Use code Dullup to get $30 off your first month. And I know who it is. No, no, you don't, you don't, because it's general and being very sort of loose with who this person is. I don't believe you are. That's Dullup and Talkspace.com slash Dullup. That's where you go to. You know, you think you're smart and then you know shit, but you don't know.

This is one of the only topics I'm familiar with. By our book, let's go. July 11, 1879. You're of our Lord. Oh shit. Let's do that. You're listening to the dollar. You forgot about it. You're glad they're up. Like you prepped. This is a bi-weekly American history podcast. Once a week, I do, I, Dave Anthony, number one ranked comedy maker. I'm okay with this one. Stella Drinker. Enough. New shoelace buyer. Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to a guy he met on another podcast. And named Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be. About. About. Her glasses aren't getting clean. That's the problem. They're all filming.

July 11, 1876. Nope. 1896. Nope. 1895. Jesus Christ. 1879. Yeah. Thank you. Congratulations. No one else yelled it at you. The person who picks the prize on the price is right. Still gets it with audience help, Dave. I'll see you in Plinko, motherfucker. Gaston Bullock Means was born. Hello. Anybody know? Wow. Was born on his family's plantation, Black Welder Spring, near Concord, North Carolina. What's up, Concord? Where my C's at? Right? I know. C's. Nope. Go, Concord. Good. Fightin' C's. Yeah. Fightin' C's. His grandfather, WC Means, was called the general. He was a rich plantation owner before the Civil War, but not so much after. Because it turns out. The thing about the plantations is after the

Civil War, I'm not sure why they lost value, but they did. So then they were hard to keep up because you couldn't own people. Gaston's father, William, was a lawyer and long-time mayor of Concord. Sure. He married. Not a big deal to be a mayor when there's like 100 people in your world. I don't know how big is Concord. Is that a big city? It is. All right. Don't get all fucking weird. We always say put the pessimists in back. Yeah. No, it's not. He married Corley Bullock, who was also from a prominent Southern family. Wait, Bullock? Bullock? Bullock. They're both Bullocks? What? Was he not a Bullock? No, he's a Means. Was his middle name not Bullock? Oh, it was. Yeah, what the fuck's going on, dude? Who reads

the stories? Oh, but spelled differently. Oh, so it's cool. How did they not... It's got to be a huge topic of conversation. That's your lead up. You're a Bullock. A different spelling. Do you want to shout? How you doing? While you're fucking, you're like, call me Bullock. What to see after the last day? So she was also from a prominent Southern family whose grandfather had actually been a Confederate general. Okay. And they lost. I know a lot of... Yeah. A lot of people down here don't think they do. So would anybody here at the statue pull down a thing? That's my guy. Okay. Gaston was raised in a large three-story Victorian house in Concord. He had three more brothers and sisters. The boys were all said

to be charming when they wanted to be, but also were called, quote, meaner than hell. That's not charming. You put on the charm and then you stab a guy in the eye or whatever. What? Is that happening? Yeah. Get on board. No. Both Gaston's grandfather and father apparently also had the same sort of disposition. Okay. So it's a family of fucking assholes. Great. Gaston stole money from his mother's purse when the family made, was fired for the theft. He called it his first satisfying experience. Okay. So this is just right off the bat a demented human. We have a hero. Yeah. I'm hard enough like this fella. Finally, something that made me feel. Gaston, he was a churchgoing kid. He went to All Saints Episcopal. That's

a great school, that church. In 1898, Gaston went to the University of North Carolina. You know what? Speaking for the rest of the country, we don't care. A little specific. You guys, why don't you guys take it easy? All right? We get your basketball teams. We get the whole thing. We're not, we don't care. We've got bigger fists to fry right now. That's all the same page for a couple years, huh? Christian Leightner was a douchebag. All right. What a laugh. Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Christian Leightner's here, ladies and gentlemen. Gaston wants a foul. Still asking for a foul. A great 30 for 30, though. So good. The Leightner 30 for 30. Come on. All right. Okay. Gaston, so he studied pre-law at North Carolina. He

was very sociable and in his second year, he won election to the Dialectic Society, which is a big deal. I think it's still a big deal, right? Yeah. Okay. So it's like a debate. Okay. It's a debate sort of deal? It's a debate situation. It's a debate situation. Right? Is that all it is? It's a debate toward it? Sure. Okay. Okay. Nobody fucking cares. Like, get to this shit where someone kills someone. It's going to be eye stabbing. He was also very good at football, though, and he joined the team, though he was super lazy and didn't put in any effort. He had the size. He was almost six feet tall and 200 pounds, but he totally lacked effort, which carried over to his schooling, and he quit school in his

third year. So we're talking about Rudy's opposite. He's got size, skill, and he's like, I'm out of here. Rudy's two and a half feet, like, give me a shot. Come on, coach, pump me in. Oh my God. He's so little. It's my favorite line from that movie. He's so little. This is John Favreau yelling, he's so little. Can you watch that all day? Okay. I don't think that's healthy. So naturally, after leaving school, after quitting school and not getting a degree, he took a job as a superintendent of schools. Oh, great. Perfect. So he was a diva. Here's a city I don't know how to... She's great. She's doing good work. Oh, she's fine. By the way, for the record, how many

grizzly bear attacks since she got put into office? Oh, that's right. Zero. None. Zero. None. Zero. Okay. Promise kept, assholes. Let's see if I say this right. Alba Marley. Alba Marley. Alba Marley. Alba Marley. All right. Alba Marley, North Carolina. He stayed up. So he's a superintendent of schools, even though he didn't graduate. Wait, what is Alba... What is that? It's the city. He was a superintendent. He stayed on the job for two years. His father had become an attorney for a textile business. And after two years, Gaston quit his superintendent job to work for the textile company as a traveling salesman. All right. Yeah, now we're moving. There we go. Textile time. So while working as a traveling salesman, he moved to New York

City. And in 1909, he requested a transfer to Chicago when his girlfriend filed a $25,000 breach of promise lawsuit against him. What promise did he breach? Back in the day, if someone said they wanted to marry you and then they didn't, you could sue them. Oh my God. Holy shit. That means you can't drink. Wait, you still can? Still can? That's still a thing? If someone says, I want to marry you and it doesn't, you can still sue them? I could sue Dave? Hey, I'm going to marry you. I'm going to marry you. I'm going to marry you, sweetie. Hey. Come on. I hate fighting. But the suit was dropped because Gaston had no money. Oh, hey. Wow. She missed out. Gaston quickly discovered he did not like Chicago and went to

New York as often as he could. On one trip to New York, so he's on a train, he fell from a supposedly defective Pullman sleeping berth and was knocked unconscious. Wait, on a night, unlike a train that's going quite a distance, he fell out of the sleep car. He rolled out of the sleep car. What a nightmare. And hit his head, apparently. Oh my God. And knocked out. A classmate of Gaston said the fall changed his personality. Was he nice? He suddenly had a soul. He hit his head on the floor and a soul went into him. I've been a douche. So many apologies. Gaston sued the Pullman company in 1911, but lost. It is also said he cut the support chains himself and had taken out several accident insurance policies before he left Chicago.

Well, he had a premonition. Sometimes people feel that coming. They're like, I'm going to fall out of the sleepy train. If I'm going to sleep high on a train, you better believe I'm going to take out 20 accident insurance policies. For sure. Yeah. He met another lady, Julie Patterson. I fell too. And they got married on October 14, 1913. Okay. She was a 23 year old debutant from Oak Park, Illinois. Sure. In 1914, the writing was on the wall. He was about to be fired from his sales job. He wrote that on a wall? Yep. I'm about to be fired from my sales job. We don't communicate properly. Look at the wall. Why don't we communicate better? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Somebody should. Holy shit. I am so hot right now. Oh, so this is what gets you off writing on the

wall. So hard. Well, listen, let's do this. So hard. Okay. Well, turn around and do something. I came. Come on. Why not? Let's do this. I need to take off my pants. I'll take them off, but I can't write when I'm doing it. Can I stop writing? I had an orgasm. You already did it. I'm tired now. Jesus Christ. Gassed on, gassed off. I would like... So he... What happened? Keep going. So he was about to be fired from his sales job. So he quits before they could fire him. But at that point, he was actually making great money, but he wanted a job with more adventure. So he started working for the New York Detective Agency of William J. Burns. Is that how that works? I want to be a detective now. Alrighty. Is your hat in your trench coat? Let us know if you find anything.

It just seems like a time when you could just do whatever you wanted. Yeah, okay. You need to go to school. I'm a fireman. I breed parrots. No, you actually do. You can say any job. I breed parrots. All right. It's true what they say about the parrot folk. I mean, I mean, I breed them. That's why you can't... Oh, okay. Want to see a man parrot? No. That's my boy. So this detective, William J. Burns, was an ex-chief of the Secret Service. Okay. He quickly, Gaston quickly picked up and learned he had a knack for the more sorted aspects of private detective work. That's bad. That's got a bad ring to it. Like breaking and entering. Okay, that's shady. Bribery. Shady. Extortion. Shade. And wiretapping.

Shady. He became one of the agency's best detectives. Because he's shady as fuck. That's what happened. The shady people are the ones you're like, look, he's crazy. Let him go. Yeah. Even as detective Gaston met early on as a detective, he met Maude King. She was an alcoholic widow who was very wealthy and extremely stupid. Like the perfect combo. Just dumb and drunk and rich. Something tells me our hero isn't Gaston. But within just a few weeks of meeting her, Gaston had talked Mrs. King into making him her business manager. Here we go. Let me be in charge of it. It sounds good. Yeah. I've been working for someone to do that. I'll sign whatever. What's, what was that? What are you doing?

Hey, good morning. What is going on? I should give you stuff. Do you like gin? Money. Money's good too. What is that noise? Oh my God. Hello. I've been here. I should sign stuff. Oh, there's some contracts there. What is that? Oh, I was asleep again. Good God. It's a snore. Okay. Don't encourage him. Feed me. So she trusts him with all her affairs. She seems to have a good handle on what she needs. Well, she's stupid. Sure. And drunk. And drunk. She's drunk. Drunk and stupid. It's a terrible combination. Someone just got sad about that. Someone's like, oh, come on. I'm right here. That's what got me on cops. Now, all the while Gaston's reputation as detective is increasing. His reports are packed with clues. I got a lead. Which necessitate him

investigating more. So he's writing up all these reports that have a lot of stuff that need to be followed up on. Okay. With no basis, I'm guessing. No, not really. Right. Okay. Sounds about right for the dollar. Just before World War One started, Gaston was approached by the secret head of German espionage in the US. Jesus, what? The secret? He's, you know, he's a spy fella. So they hire Gaston to investigate the British, which is at this point totally legal, because we're not at war with Germany. So you can hire a guy to look to find out what the British are doing. Okay. But at the same time, the British hired Burns to look into German activities in New York. Oh boy. So it's spy VS spy. No, this was a great setup. Burns would just give information about the British

to Gaston and Gaston would give information about them. So it's spy, hard spy. To Germans in the British, then. This is unbelievable intelligence you've brought back. So sorrow. We're very pleased with what you found out about the Germans. How do you do it? They would, they just came up with tons of foreign plots that were always happening. And they included the forged documents they were using and fake spies they were meeting. So they're just writing spy journals? They just make it up tons of shit and give it to the Germans in the British and just fucking cashing checks. Oh my God. It's the greatest scam ever. So they're just rolling in money. Right. And they always needed, every time they came up with something, they always needed, the British would be like,

we need more money to get into this. And they just kept throwing up money. Okay. Gaston used the German money to rent an entire floor of a fancy Manhattan hotel for himself. Okay. I mean, yeah, douche, douche move. In April 1915, Gaston attracted the attention of the national press when he created a scheme for a propaganda scoop for the Germans. Okay. So he comes up with this. The idea was to show that American captains were providing German sailing dates to British warships. Wait. So Americans are getting information about the Germans and giving it to the British. That's the idea. Okay. That sounds cool. So he was trying to make it seem like US neutrality laws were being broken. Okay. So he's just playing everyone. He's trying

to show the British are bad. Right. But then the media looked into it and they were like, well, that's not happening. Okay. And then he was kind of in the press. Everyone's like, well, you're kind of a dick. So he's been outed. He's been outed a little bit. As a dick. So as he does all this, he keeps trying to work the Widow King. That's quite a name. Widow King, by the way. Is that the kind of, is that, is that the kind of show we're going to have? Is that, is that any way to celebrate my album coming out? Yeah. Mazel. So he drained her bank accounts. Okay. So he's still cool. Yeah, he's great. She had no idea that he was that she's almost out of money. And then, and then how do you not know when you're like in that air? She's not like a debit.

Well, he's handling all the money. He's got all the fucking books and everything. So she just has 100% faith in this channel. Yeah. He's, he's investing. He says he's investing her money, but he's just taking it. Right. So she thinks that he's, imagine a world. Imagine if that could imagine if that happened. Crazy thing. And then he found out where the real money was. The biggest asset she had was the biggest asset she had was $3 million from her husband that was willed to a trust to endow a rest home for old men. So there was $3 million she had to build an old folks home for dudes. It's in a trust. Yeah. Sure. And it was literally, it was actually called the James C. King home for old men. It's just, it's literally before people started trying. They're like,

just be specific. What is it? All right, great. We'll call it that. Okay. So, but she has done nothing to put that in. She's just been ginned up. It's in a trust. It's in the will. It's in a trust. That's where all that money is supposed to go. But she has the money that he left to her. No, he didn't leave it to her. Oh, it's just, she's, she's, you know, part of overseeing the trust, but it's in a trust. Okay. Like she can't get that money. It's going to, it's going to the old men. But she's not building an old folks home. The old men's money. No, it's already there. The old folks home already exists for old men. So then what the fuck is the money for? Well, well, it used to be James King's money. So now Gaston wants it. But how does he get it's already

been spent? No, it's, it's being slowly allocated. Okay. So there's still more. So there we go. I'm getting it now. I mean, you guys get what I have to work with, right? I'm all upside, baby. Hang with me. So in 1917, Gaston forged a will that supposedly left. This is not legal. All, all of the three million to the widow king instead of the old man home. I mean, it's just what it's called the old man home. It's like, it's hard to. It's where old men were. So instead he's like, it's her money. Also she wants to withdraw it. So I'll do it. Hey, look, I found it. I found a will. Well, what are the odds? It was right here underneath all these snacks. Hang on there, Gaston. You got this clothes, baby clothes.

It doesn't look like her signature or anybody's. Well, then it can't be mine. Didn't take much to convince the widow king that it was real. And then he submitted it for probate. The officers of the trust dismissed the will as forged on what grounds? Fuck, I wrote it left handed. What do they want? Excuse me, this was under snacks. Obviously. That's why it's got nut shells on it. Legal nut shells. Hang in there, Gaston. You got this. This is a waiting game. Look him in the eyes. The shells is really specific. Look him in the eyes. Don't look away. Don't look away.

Oh, shit. I'm saying this out loud. Who's Gaston? Over this by saying you're talking to your friend. Oh my God, I hear two of them. Blame it on Bluetooth. I'm hearing two voices in my head. Oh, boy, here we go again. Which one is real? Which one is real? Kill him, Gaston. Gaston, are you going to take that? Are you going to fucking take that, Gaston? Take his life, Gaston. Who are you, son of a bitch? Are we both evil? I will show you who the better Gaston is. He's the one of us supposed to be good?

I'm one of the darkness. Jesus Christ, well, I'm one of them. I come from Concord. A small but large city. My name's Danny. I had no idea who I was fighting in your head tonight, but uh... Hey, Danny. Have you seen the other Gaston? Is this another Gaston? How'd you get in here? Let's go back to the story. I feel like we took shrooms. So after the trust says the will is forged, Gaston tried to get a former U.S.

Supreme Court justice to pursue the case, but he was like, no, that's stupid. It's forged. It's for this. This is all dumb. You're a fucking idiot. Okay. Do you have any friends that want to help? Well, he was getting worried because he had spent most of the widow's money. Oh boy. And if she realized it, then he'd be screwed. How are you spending that much money back then?

It wasn't. I don't know if she had three million to spend, but she had a lot. Well, how does he spend... Everything was a dime. He's fucking... He's also living... But he's also living like this is a guy... This 99 cent story, you'd be like, what? Everything? Rip off. But he's a guy that cannot stop spending money. He's just always spending money.

He's got the top floor of that hotel, and he's just never stopped spending money. So I mean, this is like Nick Cage. Think about it like that. Well, you've done a good job. Now I see him. I'm on the whole floor. So he's worried if the widow king finds out he'll be screwed. And the widow met a naval officer, and they wanted to get married. So Gaston and his family...

How old is the naval officer? I don't know. I couldn't find out. I think he's also up to some shenanigans. No, he might have been an old guy, just like some old lady parts. She's pretty old. She's an old one. Right, okay. And then, you know, a naval officer could be old. You don't know. I mean, for sure he's not like... He's not like 20. He's probably rocking 70 or whatever.

Okay. So he's not active. I just assume. I mean, because it wasn't... Well, there's no way the 70 year old's like active duty. I forgot the codes. Oh my god. It depends on... Oh my god. Well, he's probably active duty with the widow, if you know what I'm talking about. Torpedo lunch. Affiliative.

All hands on deck. Oh, we're talking about sex. Oh, I'm sorry. I want to say sorry to the baby. How great would it be if the baby's first word was... Baby's gone? Oh, fucking baby. It was such a nice, cute little baby. And then it had to fucking come in here and be like, I don't like people laughing.

They were giving it a lot of beer. Well, maybe baby's in the back. That baby was shit-faced. So his solution to this problem is to go on vacation with his family and bring the widow king with them. Okay. He got her by telling her that her life was in danger and she had to come with them. Okay. Cool. Cool stuff.

So it's like an escape room, but you're life. Yeah. Cool. Well, since they were on vacation, Gaston took the widow into the woods to go rabbit hunting. Throne's a plague. As is a North Carolina tradition. You know, well, why don't I take the drunk old lady rabbit hunting? You know what I mean? Get her out there in the woods for a minute.

She was said to be... Where no one's around. She was said to be very scared of guns, but decided to go anyway. Cool. Well, something tells me she's not going to get over that fear. And sadly, on August 29th... Accidental. ...Mod King had a hunting accident.

A very sad Gaston carried her out of the woods. Oh my God, I killed... Or boom. God, thank God we got that out in rehearsal. Oh my God, she shot herself. There we go. There we go. I'm going to write that on my palm just to make sure I don't fuck that up. That's a key.

He described what happened when he came out. Oh no. Quote, as we came near the spring, she handed me her gun. I said I wanted a drink of water from the spring. I placed her gun in the crotch of a tree and told her not to touch it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I told you this is going to get... Tree crotch?

I told you this is going to get hot. Put the gun in the tree's dick and I was ready to drink water from the river. He puts it in the tree and tells her not to touch it. Just as I was stooping down for a drink of water. Oh, what did she do? Out of the corner of my eye. Hey, old bitty. I noted her reaching for the gun.

No. And I called out to her not to touch it because it was loaded. Oh no. What are the odds? Then I took a drink and next thing I know, I heard a shot. She was shot in the back of the head. She...oh my God. Oh my God, Dave.

Oh no, Dave. Dave. That poor lady. She was just up there playing with a rifle, I mean. Big, big boom. What happens all the time? She shot herself execution style in the woods. As happens, as happens, as happens.

Yeah. Yeah. If you don't teach them a gun safety... She did it from 30 yards away too, which blew my mind. The lady in her elastic arms. She was hunting a bird or something. Again, I missed a lot of it. I was having a sip of water after she grabbed it.

You don't see that coming, do you? Nobody prepares you for a lady shooting herself in the back of a head. From 30 yards. From 30 yards away. Well, I'm sure you've heard it a million times. Shot herself in the... I mean, you have time to think. It's hard to do.

Shot in the back of the head. Well, because you pick up your gun and you're like, whew, flipping it around. I mean, is it possible? Do that. I feel like we're watching a movie. You try to put it in your backpack, right? Or just you try to tuck it down in your shirt like you see in movies to back your shirt.

Right next to your spine, like they teach you in the NRA class. How far away are we from this guy saying that his butt had a hand on it? Like, she grabbed it! There were back then people that had butt hands. A bunny jumped on the gun and pulled the trigger. You've heard it a million times, officers. I'm sure you guys get this all the time, but the old drunk lady, she accidentally shot herself in the back of the head.

I mean, I mean, how did everybody so dumb? Yeah, but she probably tried to start running away, although she's like 70. Dude, I watched enough forensic files. You close. He just, he didn't close. He, she was running away like he can't run. I would imagine he went to shoot and she turned at the last minute, and he shot her in the back of the head.

Well, then you do, but they have no like forensic shit back then. You can make a better, you, I mean, you probably could say like the front. No, and they'd be like, oh, well, I mean, basically there's a hall. They're not that stupid. Uh, have you heard about this guy? So it's really obviously hard to shoot yourself in the back of the head. Also, there were no powder marks on her head, which meant she had somehow shot herself from a distance.

She was 30 yards away. Oh my God. This is as lazy as you get with a murder. And the man was laying down sipping lemonade from what we could tell. Really? Why you guys are good? Oh boy. The coroner's office ruled the death an accident. Is the coroner alive?

I don't know. I mean, he must have paid him off. I don't, so she's taken to Chicago and buried, which is where she's from. But the prosecutor is not having it and neither is the news media. The Northern Trust company who was overseeing the $3 million for the old man home got involved and said the will had been forged. So the widow's body is exhumed.

Okay. And the Chicago coroner said it was impossible to shoot yourself in the back of the head. Okay. All right. Okay. Here at Logic Brothers, coroners. I see the problem here. The guy in the North Carolina corner is a fucking asshole.

She swallowed a bullet. And then it blew off the back. And then she drank sarsaparilla. So you've heard it a million. A million, something. Gaston was then arrested in North Carolina. Investigation started in New York and Illinois, where it was learned that he had drained her accounts.

And the North Carolina prosecutor allowed the Northern Trust company to hire lawyers to help the case. Okay. Good. Gaston was insulted by the accusations. It is insulting. I mean, he's been through a lot. He just murdered an old woman and now this.

His old friend just got killed. Imagine the trauma if you're just out in a forest and a woman that you are care for. Thinking about that one sip. You just took rabbit hunting, managed to blow the back of her fucking head off. That's how stupid she was. You were playing that sip in your head. You're going, if I just took one sip less, then she wouldn't have thrown the gun 30 yards into a tree and spun around twice.

Why did she do it? Why did she throw the gun 30 yards into a tree and spin around twice? You've heard it. So Gaston is insulted. Quote, there is going to be a day of reckoning for those who are responsible for such insinuations. As a Southern gentleman, I brand them as dastardly. And I mean to defend the name of the woman who is dead and unable to protect herself. Yep, guess who's back I've got?

At the trial, Gaston, saying he was protecting her honor, claimed that the widow, king had committed suicide. Yeah, okay. Well, now we're getting to it. She did all the protecting. How dare you say that she was murdered? I am protecting her honor. She killed herself.

Why am I picturing Courtney Love in a forest? She might be listening, laying face down in vomit, like she wrote one fucking song on whole. But she wrote one, he wrote all the songs, and then she killed him. I guess we get the name whole finally. Talk about a divided bit. It's like half a Charlotte jumped in the room.

I've said this once and I'll say it a million times, anybody who fucks Billy Corrigan is a monster. It's like fucking a giant baby. So Gaston also claimed that the case had been created by German spies because of his work against them. I mean, has anybody been less prepared to explain what happened? Now he's like, it was the Germans. It's like, wait, what the fuck?

You shot her in the back of the head. No, Germany did. You got this, Gaston. Keep the heart rate down and you'll pull through, baby. You know what they do is they stick that landing. Nobody minds a little turbulence. Just stick that landing. Hey, what are we doing?

Hi. Oh, no. I got high. We really got ourselves into a pickle. Say I did it. Say I did it. Scream it. Scream it.

Say it. Do not. Germans. What are you pointing at? Like it's moving. It is moving. What the fuck? Look at that, dude.

It's like an old Pepsi can. My beer is just slipping and sliding. Like it's... Those Pepsi cans. What the fuck is that? I'm telling you, I don't... Look at this. It's like beat-bopping.

Look at this shit. Is it T-Rex? Yeah, it goes. All right, let's keep going because people listening will be like, cool. Let's... Haunted beer can. All right, so his lawyers whipped up the jury's hostility.

Right? Yep. Lawyers get the jury all upset against the fancy New York Northern Trust company lawyers who are going after him. Right? Okay. Because the prosecutor bought in... So the attack dogs are out.

Well, the prosecutor bought in these fucking private lawyers. So they're like, what are the Yankees doing here? Okay. In the end, that did it. Gaston was acquitted. Shocker. After going into the forest, hunting rabbits with a woman and coming out,

having shot her in the back of the head. Wait a minute. I know what happened. A rabbit jumped on the back of her head. A mission's a mission. But Gaston's legal troubles were not over. He was then tried for forging the widow king's will. It turns out he was a terrible forger and it didn't help

that the will's witnesses had been out of town when they supposedly signed it. Okay. This was also before typing and handwriting experts testified the will was forged. So it's not looking good for Gaston and he realizes this. What's his play? He then tried to...

Anyone want to go rabbit hunting? I'm thinking of getting a big group together. You guys should join. So he tries to make a bargain. He goes to the army and he says if they help him out, he would give them a trunkful of information that he had. Trunkful is quite a sell. This is just receipts.

It's filled with trunks. It's a trunk, right? It's a deal. Yeah, I know it's a deal. It's a pretty sweet trunk. What's in trunk number two? Nothing. It's empty.

So the army made the deal. In exchange for the trunk, the forgery charges were dropped. They're trusting a forger with trunk evidence. I got a good vibe from you. Oh yeah, I got a forger. I got so much shit in there I can put more in. Well, John, overfill the trunk. Let us figure it out too.

I was up forging all night. Sorry, you were up forging or foraging? Yes. Foraging. I was looking for rabbits. I was going to be like, hey, well, we made a shitty deal. Now open that trunk. No, I was foraging.

I was foraging for rabbits and old lady's head. When the trunk was opened by military, so he brings the trunk to DC. You ready? He gives it to military intelligence who open it up and it's empty. The fucking balls on this guy are insane. You could why I don't understand.

Now is I mean, he's just like a rebel, right? Because you think that you just put some stuff in there and be like, I don't know, it's a bunch of magazines, but I think that means some to them. They'd be like, okay, all right, well, we will come through these. Thank you. And then he's like, yeah.

I don't know what to tell you guys, but thank you again. All right. Take care. Thank you. I'll see you later. Call me acquitted. You know what I'm talking about? All righty.

Gaston explained to military intelligence that at least a platoon of foreign agents had jumped him from behind and emptied the trunk. Well, you're not going to believe this one. I love that a platoon came up behind him. This is the man who literally doesn't think his lie through until he's saying it. A bunch of giraffes mauled my mom.

And I had to set up a flower thing. Hang in there, baby. Hang in there. Just complete the pass when you need to, Gaston. You got this. You are fucking nailing this. What the heck is this? Giraffes.

Where do we go? Look at them. They don't know what giraffes are. No, they don't. Hey, we're killing this. Hey. Hey, man. How are you?

Good, good. I didn't know you were in here. No, I'm here. I'm here. It's fine. Taking a little me time. So Gaston goes back to North Carolina and tries to settle down again,

but he missed the action of the big city, so he moved back to New York. When he got there, he tried to expose his old German contacts to U.S. military intelligence, but after the old empty trunk trick, they didn't want to have much to do with it. Why don't you just put something in the trunk?

I mean, how the fuck is it to put a few things in the trunk? Just forge a bunch of shit. Do whatever. Just throw leaves in it and be like, Remember that? You got to go back to the football thing. He's super fucking lazy. Yeah, but it's a trunk.

I know. You go to someone's house and you're like, Yeah, give me this book and this dish. Oh, two candles. Yeah, yeah. This'll be fine. They'll be like, confused. Don't show up with nothing and be like,

Man, you should have seen a platoons, right? The weirdest part, they left me the trunk. I tell you. Why did I bring it in? Boy, a lot of questions. Thank you, darling. Deblaze. Deblazer.

Michael Connell. All right, take it easy. He did manage to get him. So after all that, he still managed to talk himself in front of a Senate committee to talk about the Germans. But the committee denied everything he brought. Okay. All the evidence.

Right. So in 1916, Gaston and his wife had had a daughter, all right, who they named Sister. What's happening? You just told you he's lazy. Yeah, but still, Sister. Well, they were thinking of girl the next year, they had a son, Billy.

Why does Billy get a name? The fuck? How hard is it to just be like, also Billy. To Billy. I mean, at least go in a direction. Yeah, no, I hear you. This is Sister and Billy. Boy, I really named the shit out of that first

one. They are getting, you know what? If your second attempt is Billy and people can say great stride, the first one wasn't good. But you're coming along. This is my third son, Xavier. But when the doctors go to deliver it, he's like, actually, there's no baby,

a bunch of platoona guys on the way here. Vicious folk they were. So in 1921, tragedy struck and Sister died. Gaston was inconsolable. As he did, every time things went bad, he returned to North Carolina. But interesting, after a couple of months, he was like, oh, I've had enough of this.

And he went back to Chicago. So it was basically like a charging station. Yeah. He'd always go back to North Carolina to regroup, and then he would go back out and do his great shit in the world. So he goes to Chicago and becomes friends with a lawyer who he starts doing investigative workforce.

Now he's back to being an investigator. Yeah. Which he wasn't before. Right. Right. So he goes back to bullshitting full-time. Yeah. He was a maker-upper.

Right. Professionally again. When he found out the lawyer was expecting a $50,000 settlement for a case, Gaston said he just happened to be traveling in that direction and could pick the money up and bring it back. Hey, man. You'll hurt your back.

I'm headed that way. So he's going to wherever it is to get the money, and then he's going to supposed to bring it back personally. Cool. Well, sounds like you could trust this guy. So after Gaston got the money. You're not going to believe this. He mailed it using the Southeastern Express Company.

When the lawyer opened up the package, inside was just a block of wood. This is, he's all over the map. Why can't you cover your tracks a little bit more? This is an era where it's not that difficult to kind of get away with some of this shit, probably. But he's just putting blocks of wood or nothing or just shooting in the back of the head.

The lawyer, the lawyer sued Gaston and Gaston then sued the Southeastern Express Company, saying the clerk must have done it. They woulded us. Somehow the case never went to trial. Really? And Gaston went on a six month spending binge. Where'd he get the money?

Warped. Warped. Warped. Warped. Warped. Warped. Warped. Warped.

Warped. Warped. Warped. Warren G. Harding was elected president. I wish we didn't have the Harding there. Warren G. Warren G was elected president in 1920. It'd be great to reject him.

He ran on the promise of a quote, return to normalcy. That apparently meant returning to corruption. Sure. Well, we always circle back. In 1921, Gaston's old detective agency boss, William Burns, called because he was up for being named the head of the Justice Department Bureau of Investigation. Oh, boy.

Naturally, he wanted Gaston's help. Oh, no. Gaston was in. And his job was to get letters of recommendation for Burns to give to President Harding from every congressman he could. So Gaston did this by digging up dirt on all the congressmen. Oh, my God. And then blackmailing them into writing letters.

And Burns got the job. Now, the Bureau of Investigation is the predecessor to the FBI. So Burns immediately pointed. So we never really were able to stop anything. It was always just like all you had to do was be like, sir, I believe she shot herself in the back of the head. Yes, sir. Sir, when I brought that trunk back, I was assaulted by a platoon of men, sir.

I don't know what you want me to tell you. I'm the victim here, sir. I wish it was full of the things. Yes, Senator. It was a block of wood. That's right. Truth is, I don't know how it happened. And my spending spree after that was my way of coping.

Confirmed. So Burns immediately appointed Gaston as a special investigator. No, he's special. A lower official in the department, who was named J. Edgar Hoover, was disgusted. Oh, dear. Now, he was disgusted. Yeah. Boy, when J. Edgar Hoover is your hero, what sort of mutter you in?

Fill this womp. So Gaston fit in perfectly with what became known during the Harding administration as, quote, the Department of Easy Virtue. And Dave, please. What? Well, they were a little shady. I mean, they're so shady. Yeah.

Virtue, that'll do. Gaston immediately hired an informer, pocketed the informer's salary, and started taking bribes from bootleggers. So he belongs where he is. On January 19, 1922, Gaston was selling Justice Department investigation reports to criminals who were in them. So he would read about a Justice Department report, and they would call up the criminals in and be like, you want this?

What do you want to do? And then he'd sell it, and then he'd sell it to them. So I'm telling you, I got a platoon cover that you're going to love. He put word out to the criminal world that he could fix federal prosecutions, though he had no intention of doing so. So he's just out of fucks to give, right? Yeah, he has no fucks to give whatsoever. Now that he was in a position of power, he decided to go after old enemies.

He called John Dooling, who was a New York assistant DA, who had helped with the murder trial, and Dooling, quote, said, today he called me up on the phone and said he was now at the Department of Justice and used foul and indecent language towards me and told me he would get me. Oh, my God. Burns was told of the phone call and defended Gaston. No one really knows what Burns and Gaston's relationship was, or why he brought Gaston to work for the Bureau since it could obviously backfire,

but Burns always protected Gaston. But Gaston had lit too many fires, and after a year on the job, he was placed on suspension. While on suspension, he worked as a customs agent for the Treasury Department. How is that possible? Truly, I just don't know what's happening. I don't understand. Like, how do you even...

Yeah, you're the worst. Want to help with customs? Yeah. He also somehow managed to keep his physical office at the Bureau, so he suspended, but he's got his office, so he's going into the office. That's awkward. But he's not working, just hanging out. This made other Bureau offers furious. Yeah, so it is the dude who's like, hey, I graduated four years ago.

How's high school? Cool. So he just, now this situation just gives him more time to work on all his schemes. That's what he needed. Yeah. To get him out of the office, the other agents, so the other agents wouldn't be upset, Burns sent Gaston to New York City in the spring of 1922. So he promoted it, basically.

Yeah, he just kind of got him out of there. Cool. So Gaston started commuting between New York and D.C., and then he started convincing bootleggers that he had powerful friends in D.C. and started getting bribes for something he could not help with. According to his wife, by October 1922, quote, Gaston was hand in glove with the bootleggers. She said in just October, he got 5K from one, 11,500 from another, and 13,000 from a third. Oh my God.

And those were only the ones she knew about. One bootlegging group refused Gaston's shakedown, so he actually did his job and helped bring them down. And he took down one of the biggest bootlegging rings in New York City that serviced the Asters and Vanderbiltz. Because he was like, you got to employ me. You should have paid me, guys. Come on. And what you're doing is illegal, by the way.

And I'd have loved the piece of it, but thank you. Anderson Cooper's still mad. In D.C., Gaston moved his family to a giant Georgetown mansion with three servants and a chauffeur driven limousine. That's four servants. He's a fucking customs agent. Yeah, I mean, a limousine driver. That's always been, even in like movies you watch, I'm always like,

that guy's life is just so much downtime. Need a ride? No. Can I take the white glove? Okay. Need a... Yeah, but could you imagine just rolling up to the Bureau of Investigation? Hey, how you doing?

Everything's on the up and up. Yeah, that's my limo. You don't have one? Oh, you know what happened to the last guy? He threw an ax in his back from a hundred feet away. And you've heard it a billion times. So he kept spinning himself as the ultimate fix-it man to all the criminals. I got this.

He would tell them he was close to men like Attorney General Daugherty, even though he had only met him once. Sure. He also said he had the ear of the Secretary of the Treasury, Andrew Mellon, who he had never met. Also, it's weird that a big, rich Wall Street guy would be Secretary of the Treasury, and they'll lead up to the Great Depression, but thank God we figured that out, right? It does seem weird. Gaston approached Edward Solomon, who was president of a Chicago drug company.

The company had just lost its permits to sell alcohol-based products. Okay. Gaston said... Such as everything? What? Such as everything. Well, not everything, guys, but they, you know, back then, probably a lot of alcohol and products.

Yeah. But not everything, but in most. Gaston said for the eight grand, from eight grand, he could turn that shit around. Sure. Gaston would show Solomon forged papers to make it seem like the approval process was moving along. Everything's on the up and down. Look at that. Look at that.

That got signed. All in my handwriting. Clearly, someone... This is not left-handed writing. I'll tell you that much. I don't know much, but this guy's on the up and... Yep. Saying he was close friends with the president,

Gaston then offered Solomon the job of prohibition director for Illinois for a cool $50,000. Who is this guy? What is he... How does he do it? Does he have, like, a watch that he's just letting people look at? People are just fucking stupid. But this is... We're talking about, like, he's hitting, like, the odds of this amount of stupid people.

Like, this guy, this... He should be in Vegas. He's like the log on the Apollo. This is who we should be rubbing. Solomon was thrilled. He now would be able to manufacture and distribute alcohol any way he wanted. Solomon then sold his interest in the company and hired a few assistants in preparation for his new job that was never going to happen.

Talk about manifesting. I mean, screw vision boards. This guy's like, I'm putting a team together for a job I'm not getting. I'm here at BS Core. We like to keep things tight. But, I mean, as a guy who is the president of a fucking company, wait till you get the job, dude. Many, many things to wait on. Yeah.

Gaston had a guy who handled all the pay off cash and he was actually dumb enough one day to sign a receipt for a bribe. Oh, my God. So, he's got like a bookmaker guy. That's when you know you're getting, like, overbribe. Sure. What do you need? I don't know, I just felt the paperwork here.

What do you need, social? I think you could just make the checkout to me just because it's so much easier for me. That's fine. So, this guy, so that guy realized he's getting screwed. The guy who made the bribe. And in February 1923, he brought the receipt and other evidence to the justice department. In a trunk. In a trunk.

Around this time, Gaston also had a lawyer named Thomas Felden who would negotiate the amount of bribes with the guys who were getting bribe. This is so public. Felden and Gaston also had a side business in which they sold glass coffins through the mail. What the fuck? What? Delivery's already at Nightmare Now! Which wasn't...

Glass coffins! Which wasn't real, they would just take hats out for glass coffins. And then never... And they'd just send a bunch of glass. And then shattered glass, now the delivery guy screwed you. He would just never send anything. I guess a body would just be waiting around. By the way, I think I want to be putting a glass coffin.

That's how they get you! I just want to be buried with clear soil. I just want to be put under glass. I want to be like a David Blaine experiment. So this is a glass coffin. Yeah, well, I mean... Alright, but it'll still be a fun run. Oh, he got crushed.

Now Burns could no longer protect Gaston as more and more information about all of his activities surfaced in both justice department investigations and now the presses onto him. So finally, Attorney General Doherty hired a special counsel to prosecute Gaston mains. Boy, we're really... Indictments were brought against Felden and Gaston in October 1923. Over 100 charges were filed against Gaston.

Did they bring him in a truck? Oh, this one's full of shit! That's weird, how yours had nothing and ours has everything. Crazy. Gaston somehow managed to stall the prosecution for the rest of the year. Wow. And in that time, he started fabricating diaries from the past several years

that placed him in faraway locations from all the crimes. He's... It was so much work he hired two stenographers. And by the way, you guys shut the fuck up about this. We shut the fuck up about this. Don't write that down. Do not write that down. No, I'm saying that this part, I don't want anyone to know. Nobody should know this part.

God damn it, stop. Damn it, stop it. Anything else? So he's just... What fun it must be. Well, finally, Drake Lava from a volcano. Take that bucket list. Tape an elephant who's now my best friend today in Hawaii.

I mean... Then President Harding... Guess who can hold his breath for nine minutes? This guy. Was I doing... Whether or not you did a crime? But still, yeah. But he's writing like alibis, right?

Yeah, but your breath holding isn't going to help you. No, the whole thing is you just create the best life ever. Just lie about it. Log. So President Harding suddenly dies in August 1923. Okay? I'm sorry, I get emotional. Calvin Coolidge became president

and quickly reports of insane corruption started coming out. Senator Burton Wheeler of Montana was convinced Attorney General Doherty had profited and he started an investigation into the Attorney General. Okay. Of course, the senator thought he had the perfect witness to all these crimes. And who would that be, Dave? Gaston Means.

Here we go. Gaston... His last name should be bullshit because then it's like Gaston Means bullshit. Gaston said he had tons of records. And other evidence of all... I'm like a jukebox. All the horrible corruption of the Justice Department. At the same time, the special prosecutor went into high gear

to try to take Gaston down first. On the eve of the Wheeler hearings, Gaston went to Attorney General Doherty and tried to make a deal. He said he would not testify if his prosecution was ended. Again, Doherty told him to go fuck himself. Here we go. All right. Finally, a hero emerged. The next day, Gaston rolled into Congress and said he had a huge file

of all the terrible acts being committed by the government. It's in this box that I'm about to saw in half. He said he'd just been forced to be a bag man for all the... A bad man? Not a bad man. I was going to say. Gaston implicated President Harding, Attorney General Doherty, and the Secretary of Treasury, Mellon. He threw in some old friends for a fact.

He just tossed so much... He just tossed guys he knew back in the day under the bus for no fucking reason. Also, Larry stole some things. Larry's whole family actually did such a stuff. All the Larry's. Larry's their last name. But I'm obviously Larry Larry. This is my other brother, Larry.

Of course, he was asked for proof and said he would return with it the next day. I'll be right back, Smokebomb. But when he came back the next day, he didn't have the documents. What? He said... What happened? The night before... Oh, no.

Two sergeant had armed. No. No, Dave, he's been through enough. Dave had come to his home. No, what? With an order signed by Senator Wheeler and they took all the documents. Oh, my God. Lightning does strike thrice.

He then showed the Senate committee the order which was clearly forged. By whom? Gaston, as they looked at it and said it was a forgery. Gaston leapt up from his chair and yelled, quote, Forgery, I've been tried by my enemies. I'll run them down if it's the last thing I do. Oh, my God. Unfortunately... Let's talk about fume running.

It's insane. Unfortunately, as the committee continued to investigate, all they found were more crimes committed by Gaston. He was then indicted for perjury and put on trial. His defense was to make the Justice Department and Harding's administration so rife with corruption that he would just seem like a cog in the machine. Uh-huh. But he was found guilty of assorted charges. He got a two-year prison sentence and a $10,000 fine. Jesus.

Two years. He appealed. He's upset about that? And he was free until the appeal was heard. Oh, boy. The special prosecutor continued preparing other cases against him. Under pressure, the guy who handled the bribes for Gaston, who gave the receipt, flipped and became a Justice Department snitch. Okay.

Gaston headed back to North Carolina. Time for a recharge. And when he got there, they wanted him to come back and he said he was too ill to travel. Okay, sure. But in January 1925, he was arrested and taken to New York City and tried. And again, he was found guilty and given another two-year sentence. Well, what's he being found guilty of at this point? It's just like all these things are just following.

Yeah, it's fraud and all this shit. At that point, Gaston asked to see investigators from the Justice Department because he apparently had information on Senator Wheeler. Well, well, well. He told them Wheeler intended to make a Senator Robert Law Follett president by attacking Attorney General Daugherty. And then he said both senators were communists. Well, all right. End big. Close big. Strangely, this did not work.

Really? On May 1925, he was sent to the federal penitentiary in Atlanta, Georgia. His wife got a teaching job in Concord, North Carolina, where she managed to care for herself and her son, Billy. Gaston thrived in prison. He became the warden's personal spy. What? Oh, no. No. He was released a few times to testify in Justice Department cases. And he even spent a month in 1926 in a Park Avenue apartment in New York City.

What? How a month? It was a trial. He's just made off? It was a trial on it. He's like, all right, I'll do it if you put me up in a sweet Park Avenue. Okay. I'm going to be able to see everything I'm going to miss. In 1927, other cases pending against him were dropped because of pleas from his family.

While he was in prison, Gaston became friends with a freelance writer and the wife of a prominent evangelist who was doing a story on the prison. Oh boy. She was interested in his story and agreed to write it for him. No, no, no. On July 19th... God's not posting bail, is he? On July 19th, 1928, he was released from prison and returned to North Carolina. He was asked by a reporter what he planned to do in the future, and Gaston replied, quote, anyone I can.

Oh, Gaston. Someone's out of jail. In the spring of 1930, his book was published. I'm ready to fuck. Titled, The Strange Death of President Harding. You got to stop digging around there. Walk away, man. In it, he claimed to have been hired by a Harding's wife to look into all of Harding's fucking of other ladies.

This is why he said the government prosecuted him. He also went on to say that Harding's wife had poisoned Harding. Jesus, again, he buries the lead. It became an immediate bestseller. Lord, of course. The writer repudiated the book in November 1931, but it had no effect. It's still sold. Oh boy.

Of course. Gaston then met and convinced Ralph M. Easley of the National Civic Federation who was obsessed with rooting out criminals. Gaston convinced him that he was the man for the job of helping finding, I'm sorry, communists, rooting out communists. So Gaston convinced this guy that he can root out the communists. That Gaston can root out the communists. Yeah.

Right. Of course. Why not? He's got everything else going for him. Gaston produced a trunk full of documents. I mean, they better be something in this one. The inside documents about communist activity in the US. All right.

Easley paid Gaston $25,000 for the trunk. Oh my God. It's like short stories. It's the fucking magic trunk shit work to keep doing it. Yeah. We should start doing it. Why can't we start doing that more? I've got some interesting stuff.

She goes, no. No. In February 1930, Gaston was traveling around the country on Easley's dime looking for communists. He somehow managed to smuggle $4,000 in gold out of Mexico. Sure. Well, he's looking. As he drained Easley's account and the federation, Easley's federation of about $200,000.

Cool dude. By 1931, Gaston had $100,000 in his bank account. Jesus. God. But Gaston started to suffer from depression. How the fuck does this dude get depressed? This is the guy who... What?

You don't... I mean, what is your depression? Just like, I'm the worst. That bums me out. I just have fucked everyone over. I'm just a... I'm an asshole. All right, I'm going to get a shrimp cocktail.

His wife was forced to call the police to save him from himself on more than one occasion. He was going to shoot himself in the back of the head from 30 yards away, you mean? Or climb into a trunk. Thank you. At one point, he hit a cop who was trying to restrain him. Okay. Then one day, as Gaston sat in his Georgetown mansion... Mansion.

Listening to the news, he heard about the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Oh my God. No. No. No. No. And he came up with an idea. No.

No. No. What? That's all agreed. This should have ended ages ago. Look, how are we at the Lindbergh baby? What's his angle? I'm the baby.

That's Billy Corrigan. So, using connections, he met a wealthy female friend of the Lindberghs and also a Lindbergh cousin. All right. The female friend of Lindberghs, I believe, was the owner of the Washington Post or the ex-wife of one of the other. Gaston convinced the two he could recover the baby. They told the Lindberghs who now had hope.

It's cool. It's cool. It's totally fine. It's totally fine. This is totally fine. Just telling parents of their baby's life is still cool. The only thing is, it might not be the baby you think it was. And if I put it in the magic trunk, there might be a lizard.

I don't know what to tell you. This thing is just mind of its own. The baby was in the trunk when I left. I swear to God. And now it's just a bunch of glitter. Magic trunk of magic. You are a monkey paw. Well, I can't say mad at the magic trunk.

Gaston said he needed 104. So he's telling him that he knows how to contact the kidnappers. Just because? I don't know. I never got into why he said he needed the kidnappers. What doesn't really matter why, I guess. But he convinced them that he was in contact with. Right.

He needed $104,000 for ransom to give them. And the female friend came up with it by hawking the hope diamond. Oh, my God. What is it? Who's not? Is this a Bond movie? I mean, listen to what you just said. That is literally the drive of James Bond in a movie.

If we can't find the limbo baby, James, we might not collect the hope diamond either. So we plan on getting the hope diamond in exchange for the limbo baby. Bring it up, computer. Right here you can see the hope diamond in all its glory, James. So he says he gave the money to the kidnappers. And then the kidnappers are supposed to drop the baby at a location. So the woman goes, the family friend, and the kidnappers never came. What was their deal?

I don't know. Well, they made it real obviously. Apparently they're crooked. Weird. So he sets up a second one where she goes to a cabin and a guy comes and he calls himself the fox. All right. Okay.

And he talks for a while. About? He leaves without giving her a baby. So Gaston just wanted to make it seem like, well, there's something happening. I'll pretend like there's a. Did Fox show up? That's a good sign. Even if you left, that's good.

So after that happened, Gaston said he would need another $35,000. Sure. And she would have to make the drop in El Paso, Texas. Sure. Sure. And then she started thinking maybe something was up. Does she hate babies? It also didn't help right around that time that the baby was found dead.

You know what? It's sad, but it was a fucked up baby. It was a total dick. Lindbergh was a fucking Nazi. Would have been a Nazi baby. Would have been a Nazi baby. Would you kill Hitler? Then should we kill the baby?

Finally, you're quantum leaping. And then that one story about that guy who had like Hitler and his crosshairs in the war, like when he was just a soldier and he was like, get out of here, you old scamp. So she now goes to the FBI and tells the FBI. And after all these years, J. Edgar Hoover was finally able to arrest Gaston Mills. Don't make me root for J. Edgar Hoover. And in June, 1932, Gaston was found guilty of larceny after trust and sentenced to 15 years in prison. He was then tried for trying to extort the $35,000.

And at the trial, he seemed to come to life for the press. Hey, all right! Woo, look at the moonwalk. He's like the frog with the hell on m'baby, hell on m'baby. All right, now I'm just gonna get in this truck and he's gone. How did he... What the hell is he? Newsweek quote he was the perfect picture of a man enjoying the crowd at his own

hanging. At the trial he claimed one of the kidnappers was the head of the Communist Party and that the Lindbergh baby was alive and in Mexico. Oh my god this guy I mean he's just hasn't been caught that's the problem now he's like come on believe my bullshit everything I say is magic the Lindbergh baby bought Mexico it's 90 now you sound crazy to a few but what matters is you get through I don't think this is working hey fuck off I think we overstepped with the Lindbergh baby thing I mean the babies and they found it so we're kind of so thank no it's not hey it was two babies you fucked us like

I was three babies it wasn't now you're thinking you're thinking of raising Arizona you're thinking of raising Arizona what those quintuplets but that is a good movie that is a good movie dude the Coen brothers when they were like there is something about the way they go there yeah yeah yeah we're probably gonna die obviously we're dead where's yep at the trial J Edgar J Edgar Hoover was there quote how do you how do you like that story it literally anybody could have said this in this tale said Gaston to Hoover okay says to the fucking head of the FBI how do you

like that story man huh babies in Mexico come on give it up don't be weird the babies a cactus Hoover said he had never heard a wilder yard all right well Gaston replied quote well it was a good story just the same wasn't it and he grinned and then he got two more years and at that point Gaston confessed to the court that he had kidnapped and killed the Lindbergh baby what even though someone had already been convicted for the crime so this dude just only works in huge swings yeah but this is a bad swing yeah this is a crazy last ditch ever I killed a baby wait what did you do is it I put it in a

trunk wait what we can go get the trunk no someone already did that no trust me his lawyers just like pulling on his coat I killed everybody who died this year the federal authorities sent Gaston to the northeastern penitentiary in Lewis burg Pennsylvania he was very unpopular there and in 1934 he was transferred to the federal facility at Leavenworth Kansas in the summer of 1936 his application for parole was denied by 1938 Gaston means was in very poor health he had lost over 40 pounds he was transferred to the US hospital for

defective delinquents in Missouri not the old not the old man how great with that be the transfer to the old men in prison house sorry we don't have chairs oh but are you on December 7th his gallbladder was removed but his heart began to fail and he died a few days later was that where his gall came from to say no sorry to acky it's I'm just sad that he died okay his wife brought his baddie body back to Concord North Carolina for burial in the family plot at Oakwood Cemetery holy shit did they bury him in horseshit good Lord that's one of your one of your native

sons what a guy yeah it seems cool yeah it's sort of like evil for his gump picture all these highlights I mean the guys just fucking I mean the Lindberg you just talk about it he's just capped all that shit yeah I killed the Lindberg man yeah I'm a fish I'm done my Jesus Christ okay gotta came to a weird halt she's thinking about the baby that didn't get to hear that story the baby like the baby would have totally loved it like at the end it came around to baby stuff so the baby would have been like what happened to the baby baby I killed motherfucker I'm not sure which baby we're talking about

anymore you know baby sometimes maybe baby is not easy sometimes your daddy's in not seeing someone takes yeah think about it I flew across the ocean nobody gives a shit what's happening right now all Nazi are you gassed on him all Nazi babies get punched just the weirdest platform as far as Nazi grown-ups we could punch and guys that's how we want to leave it thank you so much for coming out you guys truly so we will be out there in a few minutes we'll sign posters we got for sale they're $15 hey what do you want in this economy and truly thank you so much for coming out this will fucking blast so we appreciate

you guys thank you very much thank you