The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 295 - Swamp People of Carolina (Live)

Episode Date: October 3, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the building of the colony of North Carolina. SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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That's Dave. He's... Dave has the number one album on iTunes. It's called Hothead. We encourage everyone to buy it and that's all you have to do. If you like the doll-up you like you like the album. Hey. Oh boy. That's my man right there. Kidding me. Spicy. You're listening to the doll-up. Wow. My oh my. This is a bi-weekly American History podcast once a week. I read a story. Hi Dave Anthony. Read a story. Watch where? Cabbage eater. What? Man who has a robe. Cabbage eater? Myself Dave Anthony. I read it to a guy in salmon pants. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. 1553. Whoa. All right. Alrighty. Richard

Hawklitt was an Oxford professor and clergyman. Okay. Richard Hawklitt? Hawklitt. Yeah. I actually looked up the pronunciation of that one. Proud of you Dave. Because it's the way it's spelled is fucked up. Okay. Since the colonization of America had begun in the 1500s North America was seen by the English as a dark territory full of monstrous creatures. So they thought it was the 1900s? Yeah. I thought it was the year 2017. Hawklitt became the main proponent of American exploration. Okay. Sir Wallace Raleigh commissioned Hawklitt to write a report that made the case of colonizing America. Okay. Raleigh hoped to convince the Queen to give

him some state money to set up a colony. All right. Did not happen. Okay. There's no she's like no that's not stupid. Why would you do that? But he did anyway. They went ahead and so he ignored the Queen's wishes. He just they just did with private money. Okay. They went ahead and set up a colony at Roanoke off the Carolina coast in 1585. Okay. But by 1590 that fucker was gone. Uh huh. What? Just gone. It was like it was like if you leave your dog outside of his store not on a leash and you come back the dog's gone same thing happened but with a colony. The colony was just gone. Yeah. There's no it was there. So they came back and they

were like hello. Yeah. And they knocked on the tree or whatever. On the tree. Are they Kebler's and no one came out. There's a lot of theories about what happened. What that they died. There were the diseases that they ran off and joined the natives. Leave a note. Killed each other. Can't leave a letter. We're all dying. They probably could have left. That's where we went. We all died. Well, I don't know if they were waiting and we're all dead now. I don't know if they had paper at that point. So wet humid place. Paper doesn't last that long if you're kicking it. Figure it out. Trees. Okay. If you're on the side of no dear

John. Okay. They're all dead. So fuck them. We're not telling that story. Pardon. So total bummer. You guys say prayer or whatever. But but still the land of America was beckoning some English people. And since Native Americans were just living off the land and not taming it or cultivating it. The English saw them as just occupiers. Here we go. Good old English. What they weren't doing anything. It's not like they were building buildings or they were just like what a better idea. Look how that I mean the honestly that look how that turned out. There's a best buy everywhere. I know. I like Circuit City better. Is that what

we're talking about? Mm-hmm. Yeah. We were saying yep. The Native Americans obviously shopped at Circuit City. Yeah. The English believed that if the Native Americans weren't turning the land into sweet cash there was no point right. So you got to make money. Right. What's the point of having land? Capitalism baby. If you got to land and not make money off of it go fuck yourself. Yeah. You don't deserve that fuck. Oh what a runny corn. Shoot the buffalo. Fuck you. Make some money. The beliefs expressed by Dave Anthony are those of Dave Anthony and. So in England American once America was seen as a wasteland. The English were actually

obsessed with waste at the time. The word waste. They were obsessed with waste or the word waste. Waste. The word waste just calling waste in general. They liked waste. Wasteland meant undeveloped land that was not being commercially exploited. To lie in waste in biblical language meant to be desolate and unattended. Okay. And it wasn't just land that was called waste. Poor people were called waste. Mm-hmm. Tracks. If you can spare a little alms for the waste sir. We're waste. Farthing for the waste. We're little waste. We're hungry sir. We're waste. So. Hocklet wrote that America needed quote

waste people as labor. Wait. Oh god. Damn. Waste people for labor. Okay. Cool. Sweet. Here we go. Nice arrow we're in huh. Wait. That America needed to waste people as laborers to cut down trees, dress raw animal hides, dig for minerals, any other shit job he could think up. Right. To squeeze a little cash out of the continent. Sure. Cool. At the time there was a large and ever-increasing number of poor and homeless people in England. Waste. Waste. Hocklet wrote that they were quote ready to eat up one another. And that they were already cannibalizing the British economy. Oh Jesus. Thank God the economy came. Not

that I'm happy about that. But I was genuinely like. Waste on waste eating. He argued that they should be sent to America where they could be put to use. So these were poppers, vagabonds, convicts, debtors, and quote lusty young men without jobs. I'm not working it. I like to fuck. Well then come on here. We're taking you to a land where you can fuck everything you like. I ain't got a job but I got a hard one. All right. Just get on the boat. Waste. Skip to the loo. Yeah. Get on the boat. Hello. No we're not doing that to me. We're just getting, we're loading up the ship with you. Hello governor. No. No, that's not right. How are you?

You're going to have to dig for minerals. No, not in there. No, no, no, no. Sorry. Now that it's come out. Yes we are. No, no, no, no. Someone finally said it. Why please. No more speaking from you. I've got one shovel. Is. It's my car. I thought it was. All right. You know what? You're not, you know, you're not shit material. Stay here, till something with your fucking shovel. Ain't got a job. Wonder why. Also poor young children who had obviously grew up to be loitering beggars were also, should also be shipped off, he said. So that was kind of just England's policy, was to just sort of take the people who they thought were problematic and then send them to another

continent. At some point they were just so fucking many of them. They were like, well, what do we do? We can't make, we can't give our money to these people. Ship them. We've got to get rid of them. Ship them. Some English thought they should build a fleet. They're like the Amazon of people. They were just like, we'll get it there in four days. You'll love it. Sorry it's taking so long. We are just terrible. Some English thought they should build a fleet of hundreds of fishing vessels and then fill them with London's vagrants. And then what? And then they could just make all the vagrants be fishermen and then catch fish for the empire. Wait. So they were like, you're going to go to America and then. No,

no, just anywhere. Just put it, but what are they going on the ships for? They think. Then they have to go out and catch fish. Do they know they're going to catch fish? I mean, the plan's not great. Right. Okay. Interesting. Okay. But the idea would be like. That's how much the English like fish. Well, first of all, the Dutch were a huge fishing power and they wanted to compete and then they would get rid of all the street waste, humans. But I think the thing that they didn't think about is they would put the people on the ships and the people would be like, see ya. And they wouldn't go fishing. They'd just be like, we have a boat. Right. Okay. It's a terrible idea. So they just Jersey shore the shipping

boat. They're just like, yeah. I think that might be why the idea never happened. Okay. And then they thought, what about just putting him in prison? They're poor. Yes, we'll get there. That was the idea. So the first prison was open in 1553 for vagrants. And after that, more and more correction houses were opened. So now they just put him in prison. So, so how how I'm with you. I'm with you. Hotclit. Hotclit. He sees America as this big fucking workhouse. He's like, why don't we get him over there working. He can use continues to push a idea to make America a dumping ground for the poor where they'd be forced to work. And it could become economic economic assets instead of a drain on the. Yeah, interesting.

It's not like this idea was any worse than what the English were already doing. Since the 14th century, there were a series of laws passed against vagrants and other poor. By the 16th century, these laws were common and not questioned. Public stocks were built in towns for runaway servants. And all over London, there were public whipping posts and cages to put people in Jesus God. Well, don't be fucking poor, motherfucker. I mean, what are you rooting for out of those options? Oh, none. I want to go on the boat. Dave, I'm not the one where they where they give you a free boat. Right. That's a good one. I don't think. No, of those three, I'd take a cage cage. Fuck. Yeah, I don't want to be

on. I don't want to be a whipping post. Yeah, okay. And if you're the stock, some guy comes up behind you and buggers you. So our character, our character from earlier, who didn't get on this ship is. Hello, Mike. There we go. No, no, no, no. Goodbye. No, no, no. Welcome to the Old Midnight Johnny. I mean, did that happen? You know what? I don't want to talk about it. So there, there's a, there was a writer camera who does kind of a famous writer and he said it happened. And so I was like, well, this is going to be a hell of a dollop. And I couldn't, I think he was just lying because I couldn't find it anywhere, but it's a sushi. And he said that at night, people would come out and fuck, fuck dudes and like

he'd go fuck a guy in the stocks like a midnight, like if he's out there, like he's free to fuck. Like it's a free, free fuck situation. You know, like most questions, I'm always glad I ask. Well, me, I mean, if you think about it, I don't want to give in the time, right, I might be right. No, I'm not. It wouldn't be that far off. I mean, or someone just run out and like funnel your balls. Pardon? Yep. Thank you. Okay, so I'm, by the way, two for cage. You cage to cage also, also cage, also cage. I like my room. I don't want to be flogged. What you're talking about kind of out for I'm full cage. I'm going full cage. I'll go cage, cage. You can sit down. Yeah, for sure. I think you might have to

stand up. I'm fine standing in the cage. Honestly, I'll just dance. It'll be like Vegas. Right. So that's obviously inhumane. So mm hmm. Also, a law was passed in 1547 to allow vagrants to be branded with a V on their breast and then put into slavery. So, you know, cool. Welcome to poverty. Yeah. That never actually happened. But just the fact that a law was passed shows sort of the atmosphere. Slums were ever in England. One author wrote that slums created a quote, subterranean colony of dirty and disfigured monsters living in caves. Jesus Christ. That's intense. I mean, that's a little much. No, well, you didn't see them. They were fucking dirty motherfuckers. They were accused of breeding too much and

spreading disease, which basically framed the poor as being a disease. Uh huh. Okay. Right. Because they're breeding in caves. Now, America, America's the cure. One described America as the kidneys of England that could remove the human waste. Oh my God. This is too much. So we just processed the waste. And lately we've had kidney failure. It's weird. It's kind of. Yeah. It's kind of a weird reframing. Sure. Of what we heard. You didn't hear that in school. No. So we're like shit and piss. That's better. Set the expectation level there. That's a better way to be instead of like, we're the best for sure. Everyone's the worst. Where have you been? Nowhere. Literally nowhere. In 1619, King James I was so annoyed

by all the vagrant boys loiting around his palace at Newmarket that he wrote to the Virginia company and asked if they could ship the boys to America. Oh man. So you just look out your window. You're like, well, he's fucking boys. Just get rid of them. Call up your bros. You're like, you got ships, right? Can you get rid of these fucking things? Ship them? We could do cages. We got a bunch of cages. Yeah. But the cages hang and I see them. I would like them like a, like a, like gone, like not around me. All right. We can throw them to America. I mean, yeah, great. We'll put them in cages on the way though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. Okay. Okay. We have cages piling up. That's a whole different thing. Talk about

being bigger than your tummy. You are getting caged boys. So what better place to start this great experiment than Jamestown, which was founded in 1607 in Virginia. But it didn't work out that great. Because it turns out that poor street beggars in a city have no fucking idea how to tame and farm land. So wait, they did ship them. They actually did get ship. Yeah, they start now they're shipping people off. So they're shipping these boys there and the boys who have no skills that they've learned go there. And they're like, boy, they're skillless. Yeah, they have no skills what because they're street. You're not going to take a street guide said in Ohio and go, all right, make a farm. Come on. Do

your thing. Tail and shit. Come on. You're good with dirt. It's all over. It didn't tell put the radish thing in. I don't know how the shit works. What are you 11 fix this? Lord, clear do we have to be you're not here for a vacation. The cages should have made that clear. So it didn't go the way Highcloth had theorized it. They're planning candy. Quote, social moors were non existent men defecated in public areas within the small garrison. People just sat around and starved. Well, I used to beg. Yeah, so that's what I do. Except it's just not everyone's like me.

So they just sent them here to die for sure. Yeah, I mean, they felt like they'd be getting to work in the bushes because everyone has good work ethic. Right. The good news is fertilization has never been higher. Now the downside. So then they imposed harsh laws. Be better. No more shit. That's speaking of shit. Stop doing it everywhere. Food lies. No. Stealing vegetables was punishable by death. What was stealing vegetables punishable by death? Yeah. Okay. Blasphemy was punishable by death. Jesus, God, whoop, there I go.

A blaspheming vegetarian. I'll see you, boys. Stealing this fucking pepper was worth it by God. I do this shit again, Jesus Christ. Keep stabbing. Keep stabbing. Fucking, I love carrots, Jesus Christ. And some guy just wanders buying shits on you. Hey, there we go. No. Doing me job. No. Laborers and children were commodities, basically slaves. One man murdered his wife and then

ate her. Okay. So let's, can we set up things like that a little sometimes? Maybe give a little, you know what I mean? Can we have an appetizer before we get into the main? Well. So a man killed his wife and ate her. Yeah, he was hung, obviously a lot of hungry people and, you know, she's there. She's like, meaty. She's, how did he eat? Did he cook her?

I don't know. I didn't, I couldn't find out, but, uh, I don't know why I don't, why am I asking this shit? Marriage is hard and it's about making, it's about making sacrifices. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't mean they're not married anymore because they're together. Yeah. Hey, where's Sally? It's a funny story. She actually is on vacation. Um, she's going away for a couple of weeks and, uh, yeah, boy, miss her.

Whew. I'm stuffed. I gotta take a cat nap. I am absolutely busting. Am I? I am. I am almost ready for another wife. She's a little rumbling, you know what I mean? I get a little rumbly down here. I'm like, I should get married. Yeah. That's when he's meeting women. So what do you weigh? Pardon? I mean, just, uh, Roundabout. Roundabout weight, how you, how you feel about onions, carrots.

Do you like garlic? Do you like a hot bath? With carrots and onions. So it's an Elmer Fudd stew. Yes. Back then, in the 1600s, all stews were Elmer Fudd stews. Yeah. Before 1625, 80% of the 6,000 colonists died.

Jesus. Holy shit. That's a lot of fucking people to eat. Oh. You know what I mean? So there's meat everywhere. Are they eating? No, I don't think. No, we weren't crazy. Cannibals. I'm sure some got it.

One dude was. I'm sure some got eaten. But I think they, they thought that happened at Roanoke a little bit, right? They, yeah. They might have been some eating of people. Cool. Great. Yep. Nice.

Uh, eventually we're going to do that here. Yeah. That's part of Trump's plan for America. The settlement was basically turned into a prison labor... Make America meat again. So, uh, James Town was basically turned into a prison labor camp and then tobacco was introduced. Why, we use camp a little too freely now, I think. Yeah.

You add camp to things that sounds a little more fun. Yeah. You know. Okay, cool. Then the tobacco was introduced, which kind of turned things around that quickly became the new goal that also created a class system. Now the vulnerable would be a workforce, no matter what, because the wealthy landowners depended on it.

The governor, uh, governors asked the Virginia company to send over more indentured servants and laborers who were sold to the highest bidder. Okay. So... So they just sent in poor people over and prisoners and stuff. Now they're selling them. Yeah, you can buy them. Right.

Uh, as colonies began to be set up in America, the poor were exported more and more. The first forced workers to arrive were convicts. Okay. Keep going. No. Would you have a question? Well, how do they... How would...

Do they just, like, rounding them up and throwing them on a boat and being like, go? Yeah. Or are they sold like, do you want to go to the Bahamas? So they can arrest you for being a vagrant. So... Oh, so you'd get arrested and then you'd just get shipped. Yeah. Cool.

The first were, uh, convicts who had to chop down trees and burn them to make pitch, tar, and soap ash. Man, what a life. Mmm. Making soap ash. Simpler times. Fuck, great. Others had to dig for gold, silver, and copper.

None of them were paid. Instead, committed crimes that were considered debt slaves and would work until that debt was paid off. Okay. Mmm. So, like, student loans, but with your body? Yeah. Student loans, but with your body.

That's about right. Okay. Uh, Heykitt argued this life prevented the convicts from being, quote, miserably hanged or packed into prisons to pitifully pine away and die. So it's, uh, freedom. Slavery versus pining. Slavery versus dying in a prison. Sure.

These are good. Fun choices, obviously. Well, there, you know what? How about, how about looking at the positive side of things? Which is, Mm-hmm. Um, After their debt was paid off, he figured they would have skill, right?

So the night, now you're out, and now you want to get paid off at Jamestown and you're like, who needs a digger? I'll just, And people like, oh, I, I need, yeah, I could, I could use a hole or whatever. And now you have a job. Now you're, uh, So the idea, right. So you're an intern who gets a job.

It's interning. But it isn't. Well, this is how the millennials feel. Uh-huh. Right. Um, So someone brings a Pepsi out soon and everyone's like, finally, this'll be resolved. Uh, you could also, if you wanted to, you could pay your way over to America and buy,

and if you paid your way over, you'd get land. Okay. And if you had an indentured servant with you, you would get even more land. You'd get like a bonus for bringing a slave. Okay. And even if the servant died on the ship, you'd still get the land because you tried. How do you, can you just lie and be like, he died? Yes, more acres, please.

Yeah, probably. He died. That was horrible death. Oh, he got, he, something popped here. Popped his neck popped. Neck just exploded. No, don't have the body ate it, obviously, and a big barbecue whole thing. So then after the convicts, they started shipping out the young and disposable from 1618 to 1625.

Tons of orphans were shipped over. Oh my God. What? What? Well, you know, that's tough. That's a tough one. And of course, what this was setting up was landowners making money from free labor. John Smith.

Kid, I would just love it if one of the orphans got like a plot of land, you know, little rascals the land a little bit, you know. And then he brings over even littler kids to farm it. Yeah, he's nine and he's like, four year olds nowadays, I tell you. Yeah, I tell you. These kids, they got no work ethic. It's called an internship. Come on.

Just keep, yeah, just keep digging straight down. Dig, dig, dig. Yeah. It's pretty simple. Keep digging straight down. You'll get there. When in doubt, dig. Fuck, kids.

My wife's all over me about this job. She's eight, you know, so it's tough. It's so tough with kids at that age. It's brutal. John Smith wrote, quote, 1624, this deer brought land with so much blood and cost hath only made some few rich and all the rest losers. So it's gone good. Sounds like it.

Rules kept things in order. If a husband or father died when he was an indentured servant, his kids and wife would then become indentured servants to pay off his debt. This was a straight take from the Roman model of slavery. You don't hear that a lot that we had the Roman model of slavery here in America. There's a lot of anger at this situation by the people who were slaves. What was their deal? Talk to me about their angle.

Yeah. A lot of them were like, oh, I wanted to just hang out on the street in London to the filth. Well, I'm not big on the whole dying part. You know, my buddy just ate his wife. You know what we didn't do in London? Eat our wives. I mean, sometimes, but in a different way. Cheerio, mate.

Cheerio. Cheerio. There was also a gender problem. There were many, many men and not enough women. Well, Dave, whenever we start with that, you know that men are going to come out pretty good because knowing how they handle things. Well, the wealthy decided that what was causing all the tension between them and the poor slave people was that there weren't enough ladies.

I don't. I do not like where we're headed. So they had a couple hundred women brought over. Any time something is before the 1800s and sounds like a reality show pitch, it's not good. So they got 200 women and one bachelor. The women were required to marry when they arrived. Each woman was assigned a value of 150 pounds of tobacco.

What? What do you even mean? That's how much each lady was worth. So I think that if they brought a lady over on a ship and you're like, I want that one. And she's like, all right. Then you had to pay. Oh, you paid 150 pounds. Then you owed 150 bucks in tobacco.

150 bucks in tobacco. Okay. And then, oh, God. So the women are now prisoners, too. That's what they say when they say, you know, gay should be allowed to marry. It's this kind of beautiful marriage story that makes you understand how the sanctity of the union it is, that you can just hand someone a bunch of tobacco and get a lady. Well, you're mine.

Welcome. I'm the worst, by the way. I should point that out. I have a drinking problem and I'm just a nightmare. Anyway, clean the floors and I'll be upstairs, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. I'm horny. The wealthy land-owning colonists found new and exciting ways to make people slaves. So all that great taste with less calories?

In 1633, a man was convicted of robbery and sentenced to be a servant for three years. And his daughter was taken away and made a servant for 14. Oh, my God. What? She's like, what? My dad's a dick. What the fuck? What is the...

How... She's, you know, a lady, so she's not like a person. I mean, that's really what they're doing. You're like... Yeah. You're not a person. But how old's the kid? Then I couldn't find out the age, but she was probably young if she got 14 years.

Why did she get more? I don't know. Well, probably because at the end of his reign, he could at least go out and do something, whereas if you're a woman in this society, you don't have value, right? I mean, except for the fucking and cooking. Right. But like, it's not like if you're a woman, they're going to be like, go get a job, like you can't have a job.

Right. Not allowed to. Okay. So just slavery. Oh, this is... Everybody feeling good? Yep. Everyone feels...

You feel that energy. You feel the vibe. It's not a part. Pardon? I don't know. None of this went down great with the poor. The rich expected them to be submissive since they should be happy off the streets of London or out of prison, but most were not.

The courts start to fill with cases of masters complaining of their servants being disobedient along with idleness, theft, rudeness, rebelliousness, escaping, and pride. That list has no... There's no chronology to that list. It's not like it just starts crazy and ends crazier. Yeah. I like that if you're a slave, you're not supposed to be rude. Yeah.

Or disobedient. Or try to escape. He's got a case of the leaves again. This one, I tell you. He's like, he doesn't understand the deal he didn't make. I want to report this one. She's got pride. Enough of that shit.

I do. There we go again. String her up in the cage. Pride. The English and especially Puritans were obsessed with class rank. When some of these poor slobs started trying to dress up to look like they were better than their station, it was not received well. So laws were enacted against wearing silks or having gold buttons if it was above someone's

class. Good lord. What? So specific. So you can't even dress the part. So the artful dodger would be in jail. Yeah, you can't. You're not allowed to have...

I mean, how fucking dare you have gold buttons if you're a fucking popper? You know what I mean? Go fuck yourself. Take those buttons off, bitch. I'm a gold button man. I earned my gold buttons. You know how I earned it? I was born into it.

Thank you. Buttons. Buttons. Buttons. Buttons. God damn it. I saw another one with gold buttons today. What the fuck is becoming a James Town?

And you know, the truth is that, like, today I always think that we're so oversaturated with problems that we can't focus on the real big ones. But then it go back to this time, nothing's going on, and they're like, buttons, no! They're fucking dying in the streets and people are like, God damn it, they have buttons! He's insulting my coat. The dying man. The colonies obviously expanded. More land was divided up.

On October 30th, 1629, King Charles I granted a patent to his attorney general, Sir Robert Heath, for the land south of 36 degrees and north of 31 degrees under the name and honor of that king of Cornel Anna. Cornel Anna. Cornel Carolus is Latin for Charles. So he's, Coralana Charter contained a provision known as the Bishop of Durham Claus, which gave him broad feudal powers. Okay.

So this guy just got, this guy just got Carolina. And he said that he's allowed to do whatever. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Because he's a duke? Well, he's a guy. He's an attorney general. Oh, well, then they can do whatever they want. Yep.

He's supposed to protect the land from invaders, and he has the power to raise and maintain an army to collect taxes and a bunch of other shit. He basically has royal power, yeah. Okay. Then shit starts to fall apart in England, civil war breaks out, King Charles is executed, Heath gets stripped of all his possessions, which includes Coralina, and Heath died the same year Charles was executed. So now...

So now what? Coralana is just fucking rotten. Just fucking sitting there. No one's mowing the lawn. No one's watering the plants. Nobody really gave much of a shit about Coralana for a while after that. Okay. And the 1650s...

Did anything happen? What? There? Had anything been done? Well, there's people. Whatever we want. Back in a decade. No, there's people...

There's some people moving in. I mean, people are kind of moving in everywhere, so there would be smatterings of people coming in, but mostly it's Native Americans. Okay. Whose name will come up, and I'm sure I'll butcher it. In the 1650s, Virginia's overreaching governor, Berkeley, was selling land grants in Carolina Territory, which he didn't have the right to do. Okay.

So laws were just kind of recommended back then, huh? Yeah, they were... Before... It was just kind of like take a penny, leave a penny. Before like the official 13 colonies, it was just like, you guys do whatever you want. Come on, please, please. Yeah, it was really crazy. Don't!

Please! Don't be dicks! Come on! Oh, they're being dicks. And others took advantage of the land in Carolina no one was overseeing. By the time the first survey arrived, he found a lot of Virginia immigrants in Carolina who were not legitimate landholders. They were squatters.

Okay. A bunch of pours in one place without elites to look over them was serious. Oh, God, imagine the buttons. Oh, God, the gold buttons. They must have been everywhere. And silk. Huh. So this is obviously a problem.

The surveyor warned that Carolina would quote, flounder if more rich men were not recruited. Right. Get them in there. We need the control of the elite. Get it, Duke! Thank you. By 1663, the territory of Carolina, as it was now called, was seen as unsettled, which meant the patent could be awarded again.

Right? So right now no one's got control over this fucker, just an open land. So King Charles II granted it to eight dudes who had helped him be restored to the monarchy. They were called the Lord Proprietors, or just Proprietors. How many of you guys know about the Proprietors? Oh, my God. Okay, two guys. Come back.

Cool. That's crazy. Okay. Are we about to learn about that? Yeah, we're going to go into it. So in 1665, Carolina was expanded all the way to the Pacific Ocean. Okay. So Carolina...

It's quite a... So Carolina starts at the Atlantic, 31st parallel, 36th parallel. The whole way? All the fucking way over to the Pacific Ocean. Carolina was a stripe? Yeah, it was a giant ass fucking stripe. That's a badass move. A big fucking...

Yeah, let's just take the whole thing. All the way over. Yeah, take the whole stripe. All the way over to the other wet part. Yep. Wet to wet. The Carolina story. It's ours.

We're going to go wet to wet. My friend lives in Carolina. Well, he's quite a distance, ma'am. He is way over on the other part. We're a stripe. So... A stripe? Mm-hmm.

We just invented them. Maybe, perhaps, who knows? One day some guy just called something a stripe. Anyway, you're far. Of the Aperpryoders, the guy who actually seemed to care about the land was Lord Shaftesbury. Mm, well, I think we know who was in the streets for some of those late night. Are there some unemployed...lusty women? No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, are you unemployed in lusty? Oh, no. I'm Lord Shaftesbury. No, no, no. No, no, no. Shaftesbury, please. At the midnight hour, I bury my Shaftesbury. No, Shaftesbury, please.

Shaftesbury, please. No Shaftesbury. Open up and say hello, Governor. No, Shaftesbury, please. Shaftesbury. Oh, they just didn't know what we were going to turn into, language-wise, right? They were just going for it. They had no idea the direction we were going to take.

Meet Donnie Dribbledick. Oh, the Dribbledicks, yes. Oh, there's nothing weird about that. Hello, I'm Lord Cockgobler. Hello, Cockgobler. How are you? Have you met Dribbledick? Well, I should go, Mrs. Throbbing Wand, as always ready for me to return.

The wife. Farewell, gentlemen. Time to get on my horse, Balls. What? My horse, Balls. Yeah, Balls, yeah! Okay, Shaftesbury. My God, that man can ride, Balls.

Just dramatic exits. Well, I'll see you all around. Come on, Balls. High-ho, Balls! Be gentle, he'll pop. He had a secretary. I rode Balls here. Lord Shaftesbury had a secretary named John Locke, who was also, we know, the philosopher.

John Locke drafted the Grand Model or Province of Carolina in 1669, which included the fundamental constitution of Carolina, which was the new plan, never again, so it's the new plan to govern the colony. Today John Locke, of course, is known as an enlightened thinker. Thomas Jefferson borrowed heavily from him for the Declaration of Independence. Locke came up with the phrase, life, liberty, and... Some, and a third. Life, liberty, and estate.

Life, liberty, and estate. Life, liberty, and estate. And then Jefferson changed it to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Right. We've got a way better ring. Yeah. Locke was, quote, the great and glorious asserter of natural rights and liberties of mankind, which is probably why in the fundamental constitution of Carolina, he wrote, quote,

every free man in Carolina shall have absolute power and authority over his negro slaves. Here we go. So, oh, did you guys not know we had slaves? Locke, the great man of liberty, was also a founding member and the largest stockholder of the Royal African Company, which had a monopoly over the British slave trade. Oh, God. Oh, God. He's one of our best ones.

Yeah, it's a good one. Oh, cool. And John Locke became the secretary of the Lord's proprietors. So now he's doing the business for the Lord's, the proprietor guys. Who are? The entrepreneurs of Carolina. Okay, gotcha. Eight proprietors.

Locke's job was how to send instructions to the agents of Carolina, and he was also given 48,000 acres of land. Oh, my God. Pretty fucking sweet. I mean, I know they're just giving it away, but it's like... Well, the ship goes all the way across to the Pacific. There's a lot to give away. Right.

But is that how they gave it to you? Yeah, you get one big stripe, just one acre all the way across. I have a line in the stripe. Beautiful line. Lovely line in the stripe. As manifesto, the fundamental constitutions promoted a semi-feudalistic and aristocratic society. He devised a...

Awesome, awesome, awesome. He devised a colonial kingdom that greatly favored the elites and manor lords. Counties were created and split up 20% of the proprietors, 20% for nobility, and the rest for manor lords or freeholders. So freeholders are guys who also own land. Basically to get land, you had to own land. Right. Okay, so it's...

But he doesn't have land. Right. The proprietors were the supreme ruling body. The constitution was set up to, quote, avoid erecting a numerous democracy. I guess it's just that they were more honest back then. It's the only thing that you could kind of take some solace in, that they were like, get ready to get fucked! And now they're like, want a fancy house?

And you're like, okay. Yeah. So Locke was obsessed with class. He gave the colonial nobility, that fucked up, titles. He gave them titles, land graves. Land raves. Land graves. Land graves.

And casiques. So land graves came from the German word for prince. And casique was the Spanish word for native American chief. He just fucking picked those out of the blue. He chose them because he was trying to create a brand new class of nobility for North Carolina, for Carolina. So he's trying to create, like, instead of doing the old ways, like in America, they'll have these new things.

Land graves. Okay. So what is he promising? He's promising... He's trying to create a American-centric type of nobility that doesn't exist anywhere else in the world. So like, if you're a casique, you can only be from one place, America. Right.

Okay. Right? So... Now... Casique Shaftesbury. For instance, he also established a court of, this is how I fuck my mind up, heraldry. So I try to understand this, but being an American, it's just hard for me to wrap my fucking head around because the British are so fucking weird.

Heraldry? Heraldry. Herald. Basically, it's a way to signify the heredity of being rich and fancy, and nobility and shit. Oh, no. It involves a coat of arms and the way you dress and a bunch of fucking fancy horseship. Lots of gold buttons.

So I grabbed one example from Scotland, quote, the eldest son during the lifetime of his father has a label, a horizontal stripe with three pedant drops. The second son has a crescent. The third a mullet. The fourth a martlet. The fifth an annulet. The sixth a fleur de lis. The seventh a rose.

The eighth a cross. So it's just a fucking pageantry bullshit to show where you sit in the family fucking right... But talk about a great and easy way to impersonate. I mean, this is literally like what you see in 80s movies where you just knock a cop over the head and then come out two seconds later with his outfit and you're just like, I'm a fucking dignitary. Oh, look who has a fleur de lis.

Yeah, a fleur de lis. Anyone else got a fleur de lis? Give me all the money. Six son. Six son, right? Huh? Fleur de lis. So basically, he's trying to set this up in Carolina, which is crazy because Carolina

is just a bunch of fucking poor people laying around in mud. But he wants the elite to be noticed in the... He's getting a little ahead of himself by setting this shit up. So Locke wanted to set this up in Carolina with the new land graves and casiques in a place that was basically an untamed swamp. Locke also invented a new servant class, which he called Leetman. Leetman? Yeah.

He's basically playing Dungeons and Dragons with people. Okay, right. And the Leetman shall roll a... Oh, a seven. You're fucked. So these men were servants of manor lords and nobility, but they would be above slaves but below freemen. Okay.

So it's a new ranking. So in other places, they have slaves and freemen and manor lords, but he's created a new... A subsect. He's created a new human category, which is pretty cool. It's just cool to know that there were human categories, and now there's more at the bottom. Yeah. Right. So they were tied to the land and their lord.

They could never get freedom from their lord, and this awesome position was inherited. So if your dad was a Leetman, you and all your ancestors would be Leetman forever, quote. You can't get out of being a Leetman. No, you're in there, baby. It's your lot in life, buddy. I don't want to be a Leetman. You were born to put shoes on some dude. Oh, shit.

Yep. Fuck it. You suck. Quote, all the children of Leetman shall be Leetman as to all generations. So this is in... Forever. Forever. Forever your Leetmans.

Yes. And this is in the Carolina Constitution. Okay. Did you guys get taught this about your Carolina Constitution? They leave this part out. So you would be inherited by the estate and people. You're like just... That's it.

Snapped into that shit. Locke, a great man of liberty and enlightenment, was no fan of the vagrant poor in England. He belittled them for their, quote, idle and loose way of breeding up. He was also upset by their lack of morality and work ethic. To him, the poor families living in Carolina were a problem for the colony's growth and future wealth. But that... I mean, what do you expect if you create...

I mean, if you're creating a category where you're like, you can never get out of it, you're like, they seem pissed. Well, so he's creating a category in which they're now of... They're a commodity. So he's taken them from being poor and living on the street to being owned by someone. So now they're of value. Oh, okay. So it's better.

So he hates the poor. Yeah, it's better. Oh, it is better. Okay. All right. Like if we go outside and there's a guy on the street who's like, hey, can I have $5? And I was like, why don't you live in my backyard and pick up my garbage? Oh, way better.

Yeah. Like an internship? Exactly. Yeah. Like an internship. Yeah, precisely. Yeah. Come on, Leetman.

Huh? I was just gonna brand you with an L. Right, so he's trying to create this category to fuck over poor people. Great. Cool. Love it. So he sought to forever change the lords. Proprietor Lord Shaftesbury.

I'm not gonna get used to it. I really won't. It's a really good one. Lord Shaftesbury. Would come in... It's like a Monty Python character. Lord Shaftesbury. And I hope you had to fuck.

And I hope. Why fuck Rosemary's? He thought everything should be done to discourage, quote, lazy and debauched men and their families from settling in Carolina. They were concerned the colony would be overrun by Virginia's former indentured servants as wave of human garbage moved south. So the idea of Leetman was to take care of these people by basically making them slaves. Right.

Right. Cool. So most settlements in North Carolina were far apart and scattered around, which the proprietors did not like. The settler and squatters refused to pay a land tax and these people had little to no interest in being ruled by the Lord Proprietors because they're like, I don't give a fuck about some rich guy. Right.

Enjoyed life and freedom. Well, these are guys who are fucking living on the street and they're like, why would I give a figure about some rich guy in England who's told me what to do? I'm in a swamp. It's great. Look at my skin. I'm loving it. It's fantastic.

Do you guys have... Do you guys have... Do gators get up here? Huh. I was... When I was reading this, I was like, one of these fuckers got eaten by gators. Probably lots. They probably just thought it was like a wizard tornado or something at the time.

A wizard tornado? Yeah. They just probably saw their friend go under and they were like, another wizard tornado. Run. They're fucking stupid. Bubbles and everything. Bubbles? Yes.

Some bubbles come up. Come up. Red bubbles. No. Yeah. Exactly. I swear to God. Damn.

I ate my wife like that once. So yeah, these people are not into it. Because the colonies were expected to generate income, the British passed the navigation acts which said colonial goods can only be carried on English and colonial ships. Okay. So that's basically just a way to tax people. Right. If it goes on their ships, yeah.

Right. Finally. So the residents... I'm going to say this wrong. I said it last night, but I think I forgot... Who did you say it to last night? The audience. Oh, okay.

I was there. Here we go. So we're not saying the first R, Alba Marl, we're not saying the first R. Okay. So that's where a lot of people are living now because it's up on the North, right next to Virginia. It's fucking swampy. They like that swamp. So they're not happy about this tax increase.

They sent a governor to talk to the Lord Proprietors who just blew him off. They're like, oh, we don't give a shit. Cool. Nice. And then a new governor is Putin Power, who also had... He was just like, I'm not going to enforce these laws, they're fucking bullshit. Okay. So then two men who were total ass-kissers of the Proprietors complained, and one, Thomas

Miller was put in jail for treason. Oh, shit. Right. Okay. Miller was from Ireland. Irish. Okay. And then he quickly escaped from jail and fled to England.

Okay. So not a good prison. I mean, it does say a lot that if you're an Irish person desperate enough to go to England, you really are ready to get the fuck out of wherever you were. Yeah, yeah. If you're going to England, you're like, fuck it. I don't care anymore. Yeah.

I got no problem. He went with another guy. So there's two guys, and they told the Proprietors what was going on. And then the Proprietors, so they appointed Miller, the customs collector for North Carolina, and the other guy, they made governor. So they're like, you're the customs collector now, you're the governor. Go back. Take care of that shit.

Okay. And then the ship on the way stopped in the West Indies, and the other guy, the governor guy met a lady and he was like, she's awesome. I want to do stuff. And then, and then he's like, I'm staying here in the West Indies. What a move. That's how you do it. Nah, I don't need to be governor.

And then he turned to Miller and he was like, you're governor now. All right, tag. Tag it up. Governor, get out of here, you old scamp. And that was it. So Miller's like, I'm governor. He tagged me in the West Indies. I am now, in fact, the governor.

I tagged in until he comes here to tag. So Billy gets to North Carolina and he's like, hey, I'm governor. And everyone's like, what? I'm governor. And then he immediately started interfering in elections and imprisoning all of his opponents. Okay. So he is a governor. He's coming in strong.

He's a governor. Like he's a fucking leader. He's like, you're in jail. You're in jail. You're in jail. You're in jail. Right. Elections are now one vote.

I vote. Okay. All right. And then he started cruising around just surrounded by armed men, which he paid for with taxes. Well, he's just taking the public money and being like, I got a bunch of bros who will kill you. It doesn't.

That's something we're used to. In 1677, about 40 men had enough and decided to overthrow Miller, led by John Culpepper. They arrested him. They arrested Miller for treason blasphemy and talking shit about the proprietors. Was that where they said all three of those back then? And you've been talking shit. No, they didn't. Now you haven't.

You've been talking shit. We all know you've been talking shit. So I called Shakespeare a bitch talking shit right there. I just admitted to talking shit, but I meant that like, no, you're right. I'm talking shit. Shit. No, you just admitted you're talking shit. Can I ask you a question?

No. Yeah. Kind of a bitch. Right. A dude. Don't even dude. Shaspberry. Shaspberry.

All right. I'll do you this. He's a bitch, but you've been talking shit about it. I haven't fucking talked. Yeah, you have. The reason is because he's a bitch. Which you just said. Okay.

It still doesn't matter if a guy fucking shoves you and you stab him. That's worse. You talked shit. We're talking about Shaspberry though, bro. Obviously. I get it. You got caught talking shit. Dude, if you want to talk shit and I'm not around, talk shit.

But I know you talk shit. So you know the drill. I don't know the fucking drill, man. First of all, I'm in charge of this shit. Dude, you're talking shit right now. So you know what I mean? Like I would watch it. I'm not talking shit.

You are. You're further talking shit. Who runs this right now? Who's the guy who's running this fucking place? It doesn't matter if you think you run it. You're not allowed to. Dude, all right. You know what?

You're talking shit. You're dancing. You're showboating and talking shit. You're fucking talking shit. Doesn't matter. You're starting to be a bigger bitch than Shaspberry. Fuck you, man. Oh, now I'm talking shit.

God damn it. Blastfamer. Fuck. There it is. So how do you plead to talking shit? Did you? Yeah. Look, man, I want to plead like, did you talk shit?

Did you keep talking shit? Answer the question. May I? May I? Is it possible to plead this is fucking horseshit? No, dude. Is that a plea? You have the attitude of someone talking shit.

He talked shit. He talked shit. I'm going to say this. I talked shit for a reason because all these motherfuckers are stupid. Unless I run this shit. I'll allow it. I'm going to take my shirt off and strut it around the court. So about in 1677, about 40 men had enough and they overtake them.

They're led by John Culpepper. So he's about to be tried, Miller. And executed. They're going to just, you know, that's the thing you do with blasphemy and treason and whatnot. Right. You got to go. But he didn't actually commit treason because he's doing what the proprietors want.

Right. But these guys are just like, well, it's treason because we said it is. Right. Like it's none of it makes fucking sense. So he's about to be tried and executed. But the guy who met the lady in the West Indies. Mm-hmm. Oh, no, he's tagging back.

That guy is now, that guy has now moved to Virginia. Okay. And he hears. And he hears the lady. I think he's still with her. There are, or maybe not. I don't know. I'd like to find it out at some point.

I don't, this is not something I cared about. I didn't, this. Seemed good though. We'll get to that on bachelor three. What did she do? Keep going. What was her job? Yeah.

Go ahead. She wore things on her head. Oh. So he's up there in Virginia and he hears what's going on and he, and he sends a message down to North Carolina. Did you talk shit? And his message is literally, hey guys, don't. And then they all stopped.

Okay. Okay. All right. Was it notarized? Were notaries invented or were they just like, oh, look at that, a guy wrote a thing. Goodbye. You're good. No, this is, this is from West Indies Tony.

I know. And it says, hey, fucking cut it out, man. Come on. All right. So they all stopped and then, but Miller's still in jail. They still left him in jail. So he was there and then he escaped again. Okay.

But what were the, did the jails have bars or were they just sort of like suggested places you don't leave? I think, I think that they're, that they were like, hey man, there's a force field there. Don't touch it, bro. And most people were like, oh man. I'm going to touch that force field. I'm not an idiot. I mean, I want to get out of here, but obviously there's a fucking force field.

That guy just ran through it. What the fuck? He's got a fucking power to get through a force field. Wow. What is he like a level 20? Imagine being that guy. Yeah. Level 20.

Yeah. Imagine being able to get out of this force field. It's a real bummer. How's it going over there? Yeah. I just wish I could get through this thing, nuts, you know. So Miller goes back to England to once again, tell the proprietors, let's go, who by the way are just fucking kicking it in England.

Yeah. They don't seem to invest it. No. All right. So Colpepper went after him, right? The guy who led the rebellion goes after him to tell his side of the story. And then he gets there and they're like, oh, we're going to arrest you for the rebellion thing that you did.

So they arrest him. But then there's going to be a trial, but then the proprietors are like, oh fuck. We can't let this get out because they don't want, they don't want people to know there's tons of shit going on in their colony because it's not happening in other colonies. So. Keep a lid on it. Yeah. They like keep a fucking lid on it.

Don't let this out. So they might, they actually might lose their land if it's not being handled well. So Lord Chaffesbury defends Colpepper by saying the colony actually had no settled government and that meant the colonists could riot at any time at any one for running the colony bad. So he's like, his thing was like, he's like, look, man, if the colony's being run by shit, you know, whatever, do whatever. So this guy's cool.

And then the court was like, all right, I guess, I don't know. What exactly? Who is in charge? Because there's no, because there's no one in, who's the lifeguard? These guys are in charge. Like, these guys get to make rules. But they just sound very laissez-faire. Everything.

No, they don't give a fuck. They're just like, just send us some cash or whatever. Throw cash at it. So when a guy comes and he's like, oh, there was a fucking thing. And then the guy's like, they're like, I don't fucking care. Just shut up. Go away. Keep it down.

Right. Okay. So, right, so now Colpepper goes back to North Carolina and everyone's like, three cheers for Colpepper. He's like a big fucking hero, right? They did the three cheers. Miller was made the customs collector in Weymouth and then was put in prison because he embezzled there.

Okay. So he added, his whole thing was fucked up. Okay. He wasn't good at anything. We're going to find someone we like at some point, right? I don't know if that's true. Okay. So then the proprietors are like, we got to get someone with some serious fucking power

down there to handle the shit. Oh, no. So they send one of them. They send a proprietor. One of the eight is now coming down to run this shit. All right. So it's not a proprietor that was originally selected by the king. He bought a share from another guy.

So he's like a, it's like a new, an investor. Yeah. Okay. So an investor is now going down there to, okay. So his name is Seth Sothel and, does Seth have a good resume for anything? Oh, I don't know. I didn't go to his resume. It doesn't really matter because he got on the boat and then was immediately captured

by Algerian pirates. Okay. Okay. Alrighty. Okay, so we're down to proprietor. So we're out one proprietor. So who's the next one who gets the offer is like. So now, now John Harvey takes over.

Okay. So he's the new governor. Really starting to root for Algerian pirates. Yeah. But then he died a couple of months later. Okay. He's like, this is hard. I'm going to die instead.

Thanks. Okay. But then Sothel, the proprietor, was released by the pirates after ransom was paid. Okay. And so then he comes to North Carolina in 1683 and he takes over. Okay. Well, hopefully he understands a little bit now of what it's like to feel imprisoned. Yeah.

Okay. No. He's learned a lot. He took over and he went bug-fuck. Oh, boy. Under. Sothel stopped trade. He stopped all trade between settlers and Native Americans, which is like, like at this

time, it's like, all can we get fucking beaver pelts and shit? Right. Like, where's the money? Oh, they know how to do everything. The Native Americans bring us beaver pelts and we sell them. And then they're like, okay, this is, that's out. Okay. He put people who opposed him in prison and took their estates and kept them for himself.

So this guy's a dick. He's a proprietor. You can do whatever the fuck he wants. I thought maybe the Algerian pirates would have maybe made him fearful. He would confiscate merchant ships and their cargos by claiming they were pirates. Just a regular people? Yeah. And then he'd sell it.

You're a pirate. These are mine. Thank you. Who would like to buy it? Like, it was totally. Welcome to who would like to buy it? From pirate. He stole cattle and farmland and took payoffs.

These are mine. You're pirates too. I get all this because you're pirates. And then he took payoffs from criminals and released them before they were tried in court. So he's fucking, this guy's killing it. Cool guy. Right? He's getting a return on his investment.

Sure. No, that's what matters is that one guy does well. But in 1689, the colonists had had enough and they revolted. He was captured and sent to England for trial. Okay. His punishment. Oh boy. Was being forbidden from holding office again in North Carolina.

North Carolina? Just there? Yeah. And then he's kicked out of North Carolina for a year. For a year? Yeah. So if he goes back to North Carolina, he can't be an office holder, but he can have a house and stuff and he can just kick it or whatever.

That seems super cool. So he went to South Carolina instead. Oh. Yeah. Right. Where he became governor. Oh my God. So he's a governor down there.

There's not even really officially a South Carolina yet. He's just made governor of the other part. Okay. Who do you run against? So the Lord Proprietor's, wait, oh, so then, so then it turns out he's doing the same shit in South Carolina that he's doing in North Carolina. Which is weird. Yeah.

You think he learned a lesson with such a punishment? He's going to learn his lesson. If you want to be governor, you have to go there. That's it, pal. So learn your lesson. So they kicked him out of this. The other proprietors kicked him out of the job. So he's out of the proprietors.

So it's like a year later or less than that. He gets kicked out of being governor of that area. And then, but then he hung around Charleston for, quote, many months and harangued the new governor saying he was not the legal governor. So he's just heckling. Hey, hey, hey, yeah, you're not the governor, mate. Sorry. You're looking at the governor.

No, I'm not. I'm the governor. No, you're not. You're not. No, you're not. I'm not going to do this again. We do this every morning. I'm not going to do this again.

Oh, not the governor says what? Pardon? No. Not the not. No, don't do it again. Pardon. Oh, I'm pardoned. Hey, I'm governor now.

No, you're not getting a pardon. That's not what I'm saying. No. Everybody I've been pardoned and I'm governor like I always was. You're not the bloody governor. That governor says what? Pardon. Hey, everybody, I've been pardoned.

Who's a governor? I am. Not you. No, I'm not doing this anymore. Not you. No, I'm not. Can't get rid of me. Sorry.

Hey there. Pardon? I'm a proprietor. No, what? No, not what. Bastard. Hello. Goodbye.

Hello, governor. Who's talking to himself? This guy. Hello, governor. To you. Hmm? Hmm. I really hate this.

Hmm? No. Not going anywhere? All right. I'm going to go inside the governor's mansion. Into my house? It's me mansion. Goodbye.

I'll be inside. No, you won't. Mate. Not the governor. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, you're not the governor. No, fuck.

We always let these go on forty-five seconds too long, don't you find? Well, I know that. I always feel like we've got it at a moment. We have a bit of fun and then we just sit here and pither for an hour. I think the only people enjoying it was us. Yeah, towards the end, absolutely. And I wasn't even enjoying it. Well, it's weird when there's a crowd.

When you do it in your apartment, it's not as weird. Yeah, it's not. Yeah, you can go forever. There's just a crowd. Yeah. In front of three, four, five hundred people. It's odd. Yeah.

Yeah. So, right, so finally he was ordered to leave after like a year. They're like... He's just the worst go. So now the freemen in North Carolina are not really down with paying land taxes. And a lot of Quakers had settled there early on. It was a big Quaker hotspot in North Carolina to avoid religious prosecution in England. And then in 1699, a devout Angelican was made deputy governor and he pushed through laws

that made the Church of England the official North Carolina state religion. And he passed the tax that every resident giving money, the tax would go to the church, basically. So the Quakers are like, I'm not doing that. And so the Quakers all lost all their government positions because... Because they wouldn't give their tax to the church. And they wouldn't swear an oath to the church. Right.

They're like, we have a different crazy love. This is actually why we came here. So Thomas Kerry was next made the deputy governor and he kept the tax policy in place. So some Quakers went to talk to the proprietors who removed Kerry. Kerry then scooted off to South Carolina but came back a couple years later. And when he came back, he's all about helping the Quakers. And also people living in the town of Bath. Not Bath.

South Carolina. That's where... No, North. That's where Blackbeard hung out. Oh, right. We learned about him yesterday. Kerry and his followers then ousted the governor who fled to Virginia saying Kerry tried to kill him.

So Kerry got rid of the laws that kept the Quakers from working in government and they returned to their jobs. So now the Quakers are back in their jobs. Everything's kind of back what it was. I'm sure it'll be fine. Kerry also did away with all land taxes in Bath. Okay. Which the proprietors didn't like because that's how they made money.

But the proprietors have never approved for Kerry being deputy governor. So he's not even an official anything. Basically it's just a fucking shit show. So the proprietors at any time did they want to help? They just sat there and judged? They were like... I think they just... Ah, that's a problem.

I think they just kept... I think they're just delegating. They're just like, someone good here. Terribly though. No, not good. Yeah. Okay. So the proprietors sent over a guy named Edward Hyde to take over.

All right. And he came in 1711 and was supposed to get his full commission from the governor when he got there. So he's been lied to. So he's... I was told I get everything. No. You live in a jail with a force field.

So right before he gets there, the governor dies. Okay. So now Hyde's claim to be the deputy governor is not official. Right. So... Hyde was going there to be deputy governor, not the governor. My guess is now he's going to be the governor. But Kerry was cool.

And Kerry was like, okay, Hyde, you can be the deputy governor. And then Hyde started siding with the Angelicans against Quakers. So Kerry was like, no, I'm governor still. Okay. I'm governor now. So they just really never actually had a governor. They just always had two people fighting over it. Yeah.

There's a lot of guys going, I'm governor. No, I'm governor. Yeah. That's... It's called the secret. I'm the governor. Hyde then declared that Kerry was an open rebellion. So he took a force of 150 men to bath against Kerry.

Okay. And Kerry ran away to a plantation that was fortified with cannons and that a bunch of his supporters showed up. And Hyde came and tried to see if they could reach an agreement. So he saw cannons, he was like, let's chat. And then Kerry decided to attack Hyde's militia and he went there by ship. But when he got there, Hyde shot a cannon at the ship and hit the mast. And then all Kerry's men jumped off the ship and swam away.

Okay. Well, so they really were like, that's it. Goodbye. We can still try. You didn't say anything about cannons. Bye. So then Kerry re-grip all of his guys and after they had gotten their shit together, they sailed toward the mainland to once again attack Hyde and then there was a big battle that

no one knows about because no one took records. So there was a big battle in North Carolina between like, I don't know, 300 dudes or something and no one knows what the fuck happened. Okay. So we just know that 300 men fought and something happened. Governor Spotswood of Virginia. And nobody was writing in their journal. No one was journaling.

Yeah. The journal guy was just like, whoa. Oh no. My one job. I'm the memory stenographer. So Governor Spotswood of Virginia heard about this and sent a militia down and when Spotswood's army got there, all Kerry's men ran away. Okay.

And then Kerry was arrested and sent to England and he stood trial there. But then he was released after a year and came back to Bath where he just was fine. So they just, there's really no consequence to being terrible. You just go to England for a year and you can come back and maybe run it. And then you come back to North Carolina and go, hey, I'm a dick. I'm here. I was like, hey, dick, what's up? It's basically like rehab for celebrities, England at that point.

You go do like two months of promises, then you come back and you're like, what a crazy person. I'm going to be Iron Man. This is where I butcher the name of a Native American tribe. Okay. We're all prepared. There was, so this is, that was the end of the Quakers ever having anything to do with the North Carolina government again.

Quakers are out. So they were done. Any Quakers here? That story checks out. Exactly. That story checks out. No Quakers. Now the fighting, the big battle, all the shit had upset the local tribe.

Okay. The Tusk. Well, if only they knew to just let the whites fight it out. Right? Yeah. Don't get involved in that. Just be like, yeah, instigate it. Yeah.

Instigate it. That's what you do. Instigate that. Set them against each other. Stay out of it. The Tusk Aurora's. Yep. All right.

They started attacking the colonists. So now they're like, fuck this shit. These guys are bad news. They're fighting each other. Okay. And in South Carolina, Captain John Barnwell was like, fuck this shit. And he invaded North Carolina. Are these quotes?

No. Okay. So Captain John Barnwell invades North Carolina to stop the Native Americans from attacking, which he did. He fights them off. Okay. And then he turns around. He's like, hey guys, I fought off the Tusk Aurora's.

Can I get some land? Get a little something, something. And the North Carolinas were like, no, we're not going to give you anything. So then he went, then he went. Yes. To the Native Americans. Yes. Yes.

Yes. And talked him into attack in the North Carolinas. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. There we go. Finally.

Uh. Carolinians. Carolinians. I'm going to be kind of a coach. And go get them. Get them, boys. Just that we drew it up in the dirt, guys. Come on.

Let's do this. Okay. I'm going to get that flag there. Barnwell said quote, the most cowardly block heads that God ever created must be used like Negroes if you expect any good of them. Well, there's a lot to flag there. This was a pretty common belief amongst people in the colonies about North Carolinians. Right.

Okay. It's. I'm not going to tap dance through a minefield right now. Why don't we. Governor Spotswood of Virginia was also fed up with North Carolina Carolina saying it was a quote common sanctuary for all our runaway servants and had a total absence of religion. He called North Carolina the quote sink of America of America, the refuge of renegados. He said the sink, the sink.

Yeah. The sink. Yeah. It's like a. Sink. Yeah. But he's making the sink sound like six not good. Yeah.

But it sounds like he's making the sink sound like a toilet a little bit. What I'm drawing from this is that this man went in the sink and that's a problem. He's a sink goer. Yeah. Gross. The term. He's just washing his face in the toilet. That's nice.

Nobody's explained anything to me. How are you guys? Huh? I drink out of that. Wash my face in it. You use it for what? It's a face wash. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I think you're thinking of the sink friend not to come down hard on you. I just I like a laugh and you're going in the toilet never at all. What do you wash your face in the sink? Just to mess with you. Hey man. You look really bad right now. I don't feel good.

Yeah. I've been drinking my face wash in the water. That's E. Coli. Well, you know, whatever Coli it is. E.B.A. All right, I got to go pee blood. That's what I do. So the term renegados was quite the slapdown at the time.

It meant lawless men who were announced national allegiance and their Christian faith. It was believed the religion was to avoid paying taxes. Oh, they've never gone away. No. No. They still got that nice loophole. North Carolina Carolina was clearly different in the south. The south was developing a traditional class hierarchy.

There was a very small ruling class. It was much more organized in North Carolina. North Carolina Carolina on the other hand was a rough land filled with swamps and totally untamed. The poor went there after escaping other colonies and were squatting everywhere. It was a collecting ground for the so-called waste people. Which really which costs. We're on the side of the waste people. Which caused instability and it led to shitty leaders, right?

So because of this they had like 41 leaders in like seven years. Okay, so they overdid it but they were trying to be fair. They just ended up electing a bunch of people. So because of this in 1712 Carolina was officially split into two colonies. North and south. Sorry, so. You do the fast. The north, the north will be from Durham up and the west will be from Asheville all the way over to the Pacific.

Boom! We got the stripe baby! So North Carolina goes in its own direction and it started being known around the colonies as poor Carolina. I agree guys, that is messed up, okay? North Carolina's terrain helped shape. So they had poor in south? Basically they would call, yeah they would just call it poor. Are you going to poor Carolina or South Carolina? Okay.

The terrain helped shape the type of people that lived there. The boundary between Virginia and North Carolina was a large and difficult wetland that came to be known as the dismal swamp. That sounds like a fun journey. Take the wife and kids up there for a weekend, huh? Dismal swamp? That's the kind of place you run into hobbits. Yeah, or wizard tornadoes. Yes.

Because we've all read about. Remember that phase. The dismal swamp defined all of North Carolina to Virginians. Virginians saw North Carolina as a huge, danger-filled area. In many places people- Great bars though. Yeah. In many places people traveling through would sink knee deep into soggy peat and had to-

No, that's not a guy. I was going to say, that guy. Come on now, step on soggy peat. Go ahead and put your foot right in there, we go. I know Shaftesbury. Yeah, he loves soggy peat. Yeah. Right up to the knee.

Turn around, soggy peat's loving it. That's how soggy peat likes it. Who's soggy I am? Just a bubbling bog, oh god, it's talking. And they had to wade through black-colored, slimy water. Boats had a hard time navigating on the Carolina coastline, only small boats could get in. And since there was no major harbor, a lot of Carolinians turned to smuggling. Okay, sure.

Pirates made camps in the inlets and governors was accused of giving them shelter, governors were. Carolina, like no other place in the colonies, was basically cut off. Okay. Someone's having their own little private joke. Just us, I guess. Just us Carolinians. Don't worry, if the states are rocking, don't come running. So, Virginia is always keeping an eye on their filthy neighbors to the south.

Okay. But are they judging them as filthy based on, okay, I'm not done with my question. Yes, they consider it. But is it because of the bog? Or is it because it's mainly the bog? No, it's not. It's also the people. There's also no, not like the other colonies, not a structural organization built in.

Right. In which the elites are running things and telling people what to do. It's kind of anarchy, the governors keep coming and going, it's just kind of a shit show. Okay. And then the people are, you know, swamp people. Right. Okay, copy that. So, they're keeping an eye on, they're very leery of them.

In 1728, they sent a team, a survey team, led by William Byrd. Byrd is a huge fan of Virginia. He fucking loves Virginia. Hates Carolina. He wrote lovingly of his colony and called it a wonderful retreat from the quote, vagrant mendicants and island of beggars that was England. Okay, so he's biased. I mean, this is basically Yelp, right?

Just some shit head like, it's not as good as home. So, for Byrd, a well-ordered society like Virginia was based on slavery, which also kept the poor whites from being a nuisance. So, this is an era where basically if you're right, you're wrong. Right? Like we are, like in the air. I don't know if anybody's right. I think everybody's wrong.

Okay, right, nobody wins. Okay. Deal. I'll shake that. By this time, the indentured servants simply no longer had any chance to ever own land anywhere in America, so they went to where they could squat, which a lot of the times is swampy, shitty land. Right.

So, land went to fewer and fewer hands, and this became even more so as Africans start pouring into the country as slaves. Right. Right? So, Byrd was sent down to see what was up with North Carolina. Get the fucking scope on things. A three-hour tour. And when he and his group of other surveyors arrived.

I'm rooting for danger. They said they felt like they were on a medieval crusade. Okay. Okay. People came out of huts to stare at the strange men from Virginia. Okay. Sure. Sure.

Sure. Okay. All right. All right. That's a vibe. Who the fuck are you? Hello. My name's Byrd.

Oh, there's quite a smell coming up of the man in there. Where's the mud that's supposed to be on your face? Oh, no. I don't wear mud. No. Oh, my God. Oh, you don't smell like shit. Ro.

Ro. Ro. Good to meet you, pal. We'll see you soon. You want to take a lie down in our swamp? Nope. Get in there. Ha, ha, ha.

Woo. Oh, I would love to. We've got a tight day, so just Ro. Woo. Quite an odor. Oh, wait. It wanted me teeth fell out. Last one, too.

Yeah. Glad I could be here for the moment. All right, friend. I'm just going to actually move with my arms. Just go through the... I'll swim. I'll swim. I bet there's no swimming here, mate.

Quote. It was as if we had been Morocco ambassadors. I don't know what that means. Yeah, what does that mean? It must be a time thing. No, he means they looked at them crazy, but that's a very specific thing. To them, they look like these strange creatures from another... Right, from another country.

Whoa. Imagine. These surveyors had brought a minister with them, and they went about sprinkling holy water on people and trying to baptize children. This is not a holy swamp. Okay, so they're just going around throwing... They're just putting water on these... Just super soaking kids.

You're a Christian. You're a Christian. Swamp people are like, yeah, it's water, so what? Now you're saved. Yeah. Okay, fuckhead, I'm saved. That's Jesus. Sorta.

It turns out Carolinians were super resistant to religion. Boy, remember those days? Yeah, that was a good run. That changed. And then came Jesse Helms. Byrd also said the men had, quote, an abiding aversion to labor of any kind. Like that? A little lazy river attitude?

He said they left... Oh, shit, that changed. That's all right. We forgive him. Okay, so they slept most of the morning is what he said. And then when they finally woke up, they would sit around smoking their pipes. Often they wouldn't go outdoors. So far this is called Saturday for me.

When the weather was better, they might think about putting a hoe into the ground, but thinking just turned into excuses and then nothing happened. I mean, who doesn't want to go here? So far I'm fully on board with what these guys are doing. Like right now I know who the good guys are and the bad guys are. Right away. It is, yeah. He said the little work that was done was done by the women.

Oh, how unusual. Yeah, right. Welcome to being in a house in a marriage. The... That was sexist. But seriously, men don't. The situation in Carolina made Byrd completely readjust his entire vision of the future of America. Just one fucking vacation to Carolina and you guys blew this guy's mind.

Yeah. Like he's fucking ruined. He's like, I had a dream once. I went to Carolina and they're so dirty. Just pounding holy water. I mean, my God. Ah, more Jesus juice. All right.

You people. Nobody works. Smoking pipes all day. He wrote about individuals that he encountered along the way. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. One was a man named Cornelius Keith. Alrighty.

Name's backwards, but let's keep going. Super backwards. Cornelius had a wife and six kids. They lived in a house with no roof. Okay, sure. Well, you know... Every time I hear that, it's not a house. So you live in a fence.

You know, they just renamed the prison. It's a house we can't leave, not a prison. I mean, what is a ruthless life? Oh, no rain. Well, we're going to lose a member tonight. Bird said their house was more like a cattle pen. And they slept in a big pile like animal feed. That's a...

That is a terrible comparison. I mean, you do reckon... I mean, the idea of them just sort of laying there like bags is... You get that, but their animal feed doesn't rest in piles. How does animal feed sleep? In groups. They love to group. Group up.

They're cuddlers. They like kittens. Well, the baby bags go to the mama bag teat. Okay, so they're... Bird's sleeping in a pile. Bird thought it was really weird. We sleep in a human pyramid, if that's okay with everyone. It looks like a pile, doesn't it?

And then we just put a ceiling on Ted's head at the top for storms. That's what my dad did, it's what I do, I sleep in a pile. Bird thought it was really weird that Cornelius seemed to want to protect the feed for his animals before worrying about the safety of his family. Bird was amazed, which makes sense, because if the family doesn't have fucking animals, they can't eat. Right. It's an investment. Right.

Bird was amazed that... Bird doesn't understand animals. No, we're... I get it. Thank you. Bird was amazed that a man would choose such a life. He had a skilled trade and good land and was healthy, but he wanted to live like, quote, a bog trotting Irish.

Is that a band? Oh, my God. We're the bog trotting Irish. How could you not start a band called the bog trotting Irish? Right there. He took the shitty slander, your Irish, and he combined it with bog trotting, which is North Carolinians. Terrible as well.

Right. He got a great frame up there. Bird said North Carolinians were residents of Lumberland. Lumberland? Yeah. So this is a... Lumberland or Lumberland? Lumber, like rubber, but Lumber.

Right. Because Lumberland is actually a great place. What is Lumberland? Lumberland? The Lumberland's bad. Lumberland. Oh, Lumber. Jesus Christ.

So genuinely mad. So we're going to go ahead and end the show here. What? Wait, what? And we just have some stuff to talk about. This was a reference, Lumberland is a reference to an English folktale of Lawrence Lazy. Of Lawrence Lazy? Who was from the county sloth.

Oh, my God. Near the town of Neverwork. I think that's still on in BBC. Okay, wait, one more time. What is it? The land of Neverwork. He is Lawrence Lazy from the county sloth near the town of Neverwork. Okay, gotcha.

Okay. Lawrence was a, quote, heavy lump. Now, this isn't based on the real guy, right? No, this is just a folktale. So, he's a heavy lump who just sat around dreaming all day. His dog was so lazy that, quote, he lied his head again the wall to bark. Why is the dog taking shrapnel? It's like a dog.

Because in the folktale, Lawrence's shiftless laziness was contagious. Oh, so he gave lazy to the dog. Everybody, so everybody becomes lazy. Anyone who touches, he's like the ring, but sleepy. Lazy, he's the ring, but he's lazy. Well, you sleep when you're lazy. Well, or depressed. Fair.

We should maybe talk to a therapist. There's no place. Talkspace. So, when he's calling North Carolina Lumberland, he's saying these were people who didn't care about the colony rule and that laziness was infectious and spreading throughout North Carolina. What does the advantage of a dog's head being propped up against a wall help it bark? Well, because if you're... It's able to bark with its head down.

Yeah, but it's a bad one. That's not great. Thank you. One hole poked. Yep. There goes the whole folktale. I knew I'd debunk that folktale. When the bird continued to travel through the colony, he became convinced the idleness

was genetic. That idleness was genetic. It was now part of their makeup. Living near the swamp made them, quote, slothful in everything but making children. Okay. There you go. Sure. It may as well breed.

The combo of the climate and a shit diet doomed these people. He said they all ate swine and this led to symptoms that were similar to syphilis. According to Bird, many had lost noses and palates and had, quote, hideously deformed faces. Well, I mean, if they lost noses, that's a tough start. Are they losing noses? Yeah, they really were losing noses. Okay, so they don't...

I don't know what disease would make you lose a nose if there's a doctor in the house. If there's a what? A doctor in the house. But, yeah, a lot of these people were losing noses. Eating pellets, but it is a palate that's the top of your mouth, correct? Well, it depends. If we're fancy, you know, it's your taste. But I think literally, right, it is a part of your taste.

They lost their noses and they had really shitty taste. I think that's good. That's not good. Jesus Christ. And he's got no nose. Are you seriously yelling orange with... you're wearing orange with green, really? Nah, I went bad. I don't have a palate.

What if I had an effect of... I'm gonna take off, you guys. See you later, buddy. I'll read it. Hello, Durham. I'm living in the past now, this joke. What's happening? It's just I'm having an existential crisis.

Want to take a five or...? No, let's get back to the noses that are gone. Sure. Those that had noses had flat ones, like wild boars. So were they potentially eating themselves? I don't know. Okay. Which they also acted like, quote, many of them seem to grunt rather than speak.

So, do they think pigs are people? They're just getting a feel of the people in North Carolina. Have they only met pigs? Either you have noses or flat noses. If you have flat noses, you're grunting like a pig. These are your ancestors. He said they spent their days forging and fucking, and when they were done, they would yell, quote, flesh alive and tear it.

He said this was their favorite saying. He was suggesting they were cannibals. Okay. So they would forge? Fuck. They'd forge and fuck. And cannibalize. Yep.

Okay. And the bird also got upset that these awful white men were marrying all the promiscuous London prostitutes as soon as they got off the boats. Okay. He wrote that it was a shame that beggars couldn't hibernate for six months a year like bears. While offensive. I mean, here's the thing, though. What percentage of people in America you think still say shit like this?

I thought you were going to ask what percentage wish they could hibernate and I would be among them. Oh my God. Yes. It looks like the greatest. Could you fucking imagine waking up from hibernation? Like a nap is amazing. Eight hours is amazing.

They don't eat for months. They are just there. It's great. And then they wake up and they're like, I'm so fucking hungry. You know, the first thing they do, they go to the tree. The first thing they do is they go to the tree. They shed that coat. They do a little dance.

And they're like, whoo, got my fucking winter look on. And then they fucking roll to the river and they just try to catch fish. Fucking salmon. Then you're going salmon crazy. And then they just eat a shit. I mean, it's basically a night at Golden Corral. They just eat as fucking much as possible and go into comas. Is Golden Corral a buffet place?

Yeah. Yeah. Come on, boo. Sorry. I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm not someone who doesn't go at all. You can eat buffets. No. I mean, I've been to Excalibur.

That's where Jeff Fox where these cells die real. He's like, come on over. We got a bubble and fountain of shrimp and cheese. And you're like, oh, that's that's the place he does the ad for. I don't think we have those places in California. Oh, we do. We do. Yeah.

Where? They're there. Not in L.A. in L.A. I don't know if there's a Golden Corral in L.A. But I mean, you are talking about the bubble right there. L.A. People got Golden Corral. No.

Good Lord. Macaroni is a salad. Not a salad. Not a salad. So birds conclusion was that all the landlubbers should be replaced with Swiss and German settlers. Holy shit. What? What?

He's straight up just proposing it's right. His idea is like, let's get rid of all these fuckers and bring in new ones that are great. But then what do you do with the people that are there? Thank you. Yeah. Next question would be that. And then he wanted to drain the swamp of all its water. Shut up.

Are there still swamps up there? Is that like a big swampy place? Yeah, it is. So this is the first guy who wanted to drain the swamp. Yeah. He is the first swamp drain. Yeah. Going to drain the swamp.

Going to get rid of the landlubbers. We're going to give you guys new noses, unbelievable noses. I'm going to give you the best nose you've ever seen. We're talking about a nose so unbelievable that you're not even going to believe it. We're talking about four nostril noses, guys. Half the breaths. Half the breaths. And I'm bringing back jobs to pipe smokers.

You guys, this new nose. So Bird was far from alone. Unbelievable. Bird was far from alone. This is a very commonly held belief amongst American elites. Minister John Armstrong said poor whites in North Carolina love their hogs more than they love their ministers. Cool. Yep.

On board. I don't have a problem with this. Nope. So far nothing. They would let their hogs go. I would gladly live with a pig. They would let their hogs go into church to get them out of the heat and the hogs would shit and leave filth all over the floor. Okay.

Hey, go buddy. No one's using this building. Get in there. You know. I guess. I mean, that's pretty great. Hey, you know in a way. Yeah.

I mean, you know what? Who's using the building on that day? It's a fucking Wednesday. Get the pigs in there. I mean, I don't know if they need to shit in there. I'm all for them going to church, you know, to each their own pig-wise. Yeah. If they found God, you know.

Why would pigs find a God? Yeah. Right. Okay. That's actually the church. Church of pig. Church of pig. Church of pig.

It's a pig church. Yep. In 1737, North Carolina Governor Gabriel Johnson called the people of his state, quote, the meanest, most rustic and squalid part of the human species. Anyway, vote for me. That's quite a platform. We are pig people and need to be killed. Let's do this.

Come on, guys. Fill the swamp. We are the shit of America. Who is with me? Come on. Did you guys know that your state was seen as like the fucking dirty fuckers of the whole country? It's kind of weird.

You did? Did you just say once? Hmm. Hmm. Suggest you've tried to forget it. Once. A traveler passing through the colony called them, quote, the most ignorant wretches I have ever met.

Okay. Sure. No offense. They couldn't tell him the name of the place where they lived and they couldn't give directions anywhere. Well, they were a stripe. But also, that's one of those things where a fucking, like if a douchebag comes to you and is like, Hey man, what is this place?

And you're like, I don't know. I don't know. And then, and then, and then the guy's like, Well, how do I get to North Carolina or South Carolina? I don't know. We don't know shit. That's kind of how that, I think that went. Like if a fucking fancy douchebag comes here, you don't give that guy any fucking info.

Yeah. You just tell him to fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously. The only good person in this entire story is the guy that sleeps in late and then smokes a pipe when he wakes up. I'm also going to have to, to give it up for the dog who has the courtesy to put its head

on the side of a wall to bark. Well, at least he propped his head up like he wanted to stand. It was said the North Carolinians would just stare at strangers passing through. They also were reported to be walking around with visible open sores. They had ghastly complexions due to poor diets. Many were missing limbs, noses, palates and teeth. Okay. So now we're really starting to hit some facts.

And so what did they have? Should we go with that list? I think they had a fucking comment. Faces and noses. This is a time when if you're living, first of all, there's no medical care, obviously, but they're also living sort of out in the middle of nowhere and they're in a fucking swamp. Like there's all kinds of shit that can get you up.

So they're just getting what would happen to people if they lived out. It's before like if you got mud in a sore, you'd be like, I should clean that. You'd just be like, okay. This is before that. This is when if you got a cut, you'd be like, put mud in her. Yeah. So how many shit in that? Yeah.

Hurry up. I need to be fixed. A traveler named Smith wrote that the quote ignorant wretches he encountered wore cotton rags and were enveloped in dirt and nastiness. So the poor of America had evolved from their English counterparts and North Carolina was the center of that new person. Though they existed ground floor, they existed because of the structure of colonial society everywhere at this point, but they were mostly in North Carolina because there wasn't a an

organized sort of government that was right. They were, according to the rich, a new breed of human, an American version of vagrants and beggars. Over time, these people over the years would spread out across the country. They went to Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, and along the shores of the Mississippi, which at one point were all in North Carolina, all in North Carolina, wherever they met, wherever they went, they were met with the same derision, particularly from the elites. They had been brought over to be a non-paid labor class, basically slaves.

They came with no skills from destitution in England. They were never given a chance to succeed in America. Many still remain here today, and some day the idea of making the poor and bringing them to another country to be basically packmills with no chance of rising up might just come back to bite that country in the ass. Those people became known as White Trash. David. That's the story of White Trash, and how the name came to be.

You dog, I think you're trying to teach us something. I don't think I'm trying to teach people here anything. I might be trying to teach people in Los Angeles and New York some things. We have a big flyover thing in this country now, and we have a big, like those people are just fucked up, and we never gave people a chance. At the end of the day, a lot of people never got a chance. When you see people fucking live in horrible lives, you're like, well, where did that start? They didn't come over and be like, here's some land.

Have a fucking go, where other people did. You just came over here, and you were automatically part of the fucking bottom working class. Anyway, do you guys have fun? I think we like to call it a... I'm talking about the American Dream and how awesome it is, and I'm sorry. Ah, boy. Sorry, guys. What I meant to say was, everybody can be whatever they want.

I mean, you're talking about the 1600s. The game has just gotten more sophisticated. If you listen to that, the game hasn't fucking changed. No, they've just found... People are still working like that, and you see that, and those people, like, to get out of that, you have to have so much fucking luck. But you also have to work like fucking four jobs now. Well, but you also...

You are sold the idea that it's almost like you go to Vegas and someone is like, you got great odds on this. You do... They give you the ember of hope to be like, or at least they did for a while, to be like, you can rise up out of this and make something of yourself. But slowly, but surely, that has just... Well, let's go back. That wasn't...

We just went back. But that's what it wasn't what it was, is it? What we did was we brought over convicts and poor people and orphans and prostitutes, and we made them work for free, and then over time, we reframed it to you can be whatever you want to be, because that's the only way you can get poor people to keep fucking working and not try to better themselves. And then after a while, you start fucking feeding them opioids so they kill themselves so you can slowly get rid of them.

No pushback here, Dave. It is true. At the end of the day... And I'm sorry to anyone who brought their spouse, who's a conservative, because it's a bummer. It's a bummer. Speaking from the expressions, it's only half. I think at the end of the day, I'd rather be smoking a pipe by the swamp.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. And that's the thing. The only fucking great person in this whole story... Is me. ...is the dude who's like, can I just kick back and live off the fucking land and not do a bunch of shit and hang out with my family even though I don't have a roof? By the way... That's the guy.

That is what the majority of us want. The majority of us are just like, you just want simplicity. You just want to be able to fucking afford minor luxuries, nothing fucking crazy. But you still get to the point where we're having a boast off. So it's like everybody has to boast and everybody has to have all the shit. But at the end of the day, what makes most people happy is so far fucking away from this shit. You just want to hang around your kids and your fucking family as much as you can and

live a nice life. Yeah. And not ruin the fucking earth. And you know, you can have fucking cattle and you can do what you goddamn want, but just don't... What? Cattle. You can do your thing.

You can have a farm. You just can't have a factory farm. It's when these people get so goddamn greedy that it's like you need to have all the shit. Like when you pass the point of no return, when you're just like, I mean, what the fuck are we now? I mean, we're now like coping with possible extinction. And we're all just like, hey, had a good run. Hey, had a good run, right?

Extinction. Come on. Extinction's fine. We'll be fine after that. It'll be fine. It would be like if the dinosaurs threw the meteor at themselves. Anyway, let's end on a high note like that. Guys, thank you so much for coming out, truly.

We appreciate it, honestly.