The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 296 - Griffith J. Griffth (live LA Podfest)

Episode Date: October 10, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Chris Tallman to examine Los Angeles rich guy Griffith J Griffith. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Let's do this. Are you good? No. What? Why are you not good? What the fuck's happening? What's happening? It's gonna be a long ride gang. When is this coming out? Oh yeah we can we'll put it out on it's gonna be on Monday. Okay so then Tuesday night I'll be at the Ice House of Pasadena at 8 p.m. Sam Crippley. My god. Man, Brian Cook. I don't know who was at the erotic fan fiction show earlier but you should just you should just give a listen to the beginning and the rest of it but at the beginning yeah Brian brought me and Dave up on stage to read something script that he wrote a script that he wrote and it's an

interesting listen. To say it digs into our hearts and tears them out would be an understatement. Yeah really but then yeah I read a story that I brought Brian in two later. Oh. Hey friends. Um should we bring our guests? Let's do uh I want to talk to you about something first. Oh no wait. I know this tone. I say you're a guy and you've you've been having you've been on some problems lately. Maybe a guy you work with was like you're a fucking moron. I mean that couldn't be a quote. No that's that's like an actual quote of some some guy you work with very closely just called

you a fucking moron and then when people were like did you call him a moron? He's like I'm not gonna answer your questions. Clearly meaning he called you a fucking moron. Right. And then you might have you might have uh you might have gone to a island that was decimated by hurricanes and okay thrown out paper towels like okay like you were giving away t-shirts at a baseball game. Has a name. Has a name. What? He has a name. This is this is just a general. Nope. Just just get into it. The dollop is sponsored by Talkspace is an online therapy company. For those $30 a week you can you can pick an experienced licensed

therapist you can relate to you call up and say hey. Hey what? Hey what? I like white people. Right. Well that and each and every therapist has at least a master's degree and has completed over 3,000 hours of supervised work and do they know how to handle a problem like I like white people? Well and hey can it be said like Haley Joel Osmond? How does that go? I like white people. To match your the perfect therapist go to Talkspace.com slash dollop and to show your support for the dollop use code dollop to get $30 off your first month that's dollop and Talkspace.com slash dollop. Trump. It's Trump. What? No. Absolutely. It's

not Trump. Yes it is. It's not Trump. It's a mystery. Yeah. I like to bring up our guest. Originally I asked Patton Oswald but we couldn't get him. So I this guy hangs out with Patton a lot. We I've gone to pool parties at Patton's house and this guy's there so I was like do you do you want to do it? No I think that's not a fair intro. And he was like all right so ladies and gentlemen the hilarious Chris Tallman. Star of the Thundermans. Star of the Thundermans. Milwaukee. Wisconsin's own. Good children. That's okay. Hey let's talk about buying hats. Yeah. Thank you finally. What the fuck is on your head? Huh? What is that? Come on. Special wool chapeau. I was with you four minutes ago and that was not any that

didn't exist. That was the old me Chris. Numies lovin' wool. Lovin' wool. Yeah. Hey. There's no hey right now. Okay. Thank you for having me. I'm a fan. It's in a delight to be here. So when I let him read the copy. You know so many licensed therapists these days wish they could talk to clients through a phone. There we go. What is just an ad? They actually probably do. I used to do a lot of improv with Chris Tallman. That's true. That's Chris Tallman right there. Was in a group called the Bert Furschners. That's true. I forgot you were in the Bert Furschners. But then one Chris knew when we did improv Chris knew that I didn't know

anything. And so one time we went out on stage together for a scene and he just goes well Benjamin Franklin walk me through your childhood home. And I was like yeah. Yes. Did you say well there's a key and a string. That's my home. No I didn't learn about that till a month ago Dave. We've always wanted to have Chris on. Thank you. When I told Gareth that Chris was gonna be on Gareth said he's much funnier than me. I said no. Wow. I didn't know you were here until we got here. I just played it off. So replacement for Patton doesn't want me here. I'm doing good so far. Yeah. I want you here and I don't think Patton's

funny at all. Okay. All right. We don't need to fire shots Dave. Patton's a guy that we bring on just to get downloads but he's not good at this. All right. We'll edit this. We'll edit this down. Really? We'll lose a couple minutes. Yeah we'll lose a couple minutes. What do I usually. Oh I'm. You're listening to the dial-up. So bye weekly American History podcast. Each week, once a week, I read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. How did you like that? I didn't say anything. Was that fun for you? You know why I'm not doing anymore? Because you're considered the best comedian in

Los Angeles 2017. So titles are out. No come on. You still take out the trash and walk your dog. Like you always say. Isn't it best comedian and best podcast? Yeah we got the best podcast. That's exciting. Yeah. Yeah. That's yeah. Yeah you guys don't have to clap. Who gives a shit right? No I'm just kidding. I was the runner-up in tie. I was a tie. It was a tie for runner-up me and Maria Bamford for the never heard of either of them. Let's get moving. I got a 930. January 4th, 1852. All right. Griffith Jenkins Griffith. I think it's Griffy. Griffith Jenkins Griffith. Yes someone gave their child the same last name as first name. That's

interesting. And yet the middle name different. Yeah. Huzzling move. He was born in Wales. All right. He came to the U.S. when he was 14 and lived in Danville Pennsylvania. He came over alone as a lot of 14-year-olds do. 14-year-old alone. Wait they said a 14-year-old on a ship from Wales to Pennsylvania? You're acting like this didn't happen all the fucking time. This was a constant. It's still startling. I mean it was probably a shock if someone got off the boat and they were over 20. So you think every boat is normally filled with just itinerant children just sort of making their way around? Sounds like Jersey

Shore. So you just have Teen Boat. Teen Boat. Okay. So he became when he got here became a ward of one Benjamin Maori who he lived with until he graduated high school and after public school he went to Fowler Business College in New York City. Okay. He's doing all right. In 1872 Griffith found out that the savings he put together and brought with him which is about 3,000 had been lost in the Odd Fellows bank failure. Oh boy. Bank failure. Failure. The Odd Fellows. So they trusted the Odd Fellows? Hey we told you the deal. We're odd. We ain't normal. We just put the money in the river and hope it stays. And it didn't. Didn't stay. Anyways. One of

my legs is 2 feet longer than the other. We're odd. What do you want from me? I got an eye in my leg. We ain't normal. I can see the future but I don't remember. I just have that third eye. You guys this is great. Here's my money. To the river. So after that he decided to head out west to San Francisco to make his fortune and started working in the newspaper business. Okay. He moved his way up and eventually became business manager of the Harold Publishing Company. And during this time he self-taught himself about gold and silver mining. Okay. How do you? You know. Rockwall? He just go in the closet and practice gold mining. Ah. Not gold.

Socks. Yeah. Tomorrow we'll try for silver. It'll get better. Don't worry Garrett Jenkins Garrett. He then started working as a as the mining correspondent for the daily Alta California newspaper. What does that mean? So what he just goes. He's just the mine interviewer. He's the mine. The mine whisperer. He's the mine reporter. You guys find gold? Some of us. Interesting. Interesting. Some did. Again. Every day. Honey. Honey. Grab the kids. The papers here. The mine report. I thought that was just selfish. Daddy can you read me the mine report? Maybe gold. 12 canaries died today kids. Anyways. Let's see what's up in plague. You know if they had those

articles print would not be dying. That is true. December 19th, 1878 the daily Alta Dina said of the of mining it was quote rapidly the business is going to the dogs. So the dogs are mining. No that's a it's like a cliche. It's like a turn of phrase. Yeah the dogs are not actually mining. Like am I the only one who thinks that would be an adorable scene? What would that look like? Yes show us. No, no, no, no. And I walk through Benjamin Franklin so many more. Garrett scene. Go. Come on. Let's see those dog fighting. I got a 930. Did I mention that? So but but but but but is that written still at the same time a property owned

by the whales consolidated golden silver mining company. You can guess who owns that in Nevada was owned by Griffith. So he bought he bought a mining company. Okay. So he had a whales mining company. But he's writing in San Francisco. Now he's when they're in the sign he quits the newspaper. He goes and buys his mind after being a mining correspondent. He now is like I need to get into the game. He self taught himself taught himself and then he went into the office. Then he went into the closet. The editor and he goes, Mr. Jenkins, I know all about mining. I need to be on the mine report. And then they make a the mining newspaper guy and

then he using that knowledge he finds out where a good mine is and he buys it. Okay. These millennial boat kids they think they can do anything. You know like oh I was raised on a boat for several months. I could buy a mine. Sure. Wow. You just I had a reality pitch that I was gonna do around town but you just blew it. Boat kids. Millennial boat kids. Okay. Millennial boat kids. Yeah. I don't even want it to go. Now it's out there in the world. I don't even want it on water. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm doing Millennial boat kids the show. Okay. I hate water and I hate when boats go on water. I wish this wasn't on water and I mean it. Text 0571 if you want to see Drew take off his baggy

burlap shirt. Text is nodding. Oh okay. Take off your burlap shirt Drew. What's real? I drink your milkshake. Okay. It's a good shirt. Great shirt. Those are the wool half. I have no idea what happened to you. It's getting hot in here, huh? Just a month later the Sacramento Daily Union reported an official at Griffith's mine was orchestrating a bogus deal. Oh boy. Quote. Who it is it is alleged has been giving points to everyone of his acquaintances in the city by letters and telegrams. This was to drive up the price of the mine but the article said quote. The mine had no machinery on the ground silver or anywhere or anything to

indicate the presence of ore in the mill. So he's inflating his mill ore? He's lying. There's some lying happening. There's no machinery. That's gonna be a problem for getting the ore, right? Yep. Okay. It's not so much a mine as it is. Mine. It's mine-ish is what we're calling it. Mine-adjacent. Now this was a time when stocks and mines were constantly being manipulated and people were getting screwed over left and right as people lied about what was in the mines and what wasn't. And the day the article was published whales consolidated stock plummeted and other newspapers then jumped on board and Griffith was

looking at a disaster. And then San Francisco paper on January 28th quote. The following dispatch has been received from Eureka, Nevada. Your correspondence personally knows nothing of the whales consolidated silver and goldmine. The general impression is that the whales, whales consolidated is not much of a mining property. Okay. Okay. What does that do to the stock value? Everyone's jumping on board and saying it's a fucking horseshit deal. Okay. Griffith demanded a reporter from a Eureka newspaper be sent to the mine to examine it. There the reporter found some mining activity. Oh. As well as silver. Where there's socks in

the closet and there's a guy in a closet as well as silver and gold. So now the mine was reported to be in decent shape and the and the owners were holding lots of stocks. So it's a it's a solid mine. Okay. Here's what's about to happen. Go ahead. Something to the effect of this guy from the Eureka paper. He's embedded with there's something going on. There's a connection between him and who I call GJG. Been doing that for a while. Oh yeah. Abbreviating things. Yeah. Wow. You are a head of the sea. AOC. Griffith's former employers had his back. The daily Alta Alta February 25th. Two weeks ago it was claimed by Griffith J.

Griffith's enemies. Griffith J. Griffith's enemies. Yeah. That nothing in the shape of a mine existed except a hole in a barren desert 15 feet deep with no ore within a half mile, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They actually put that in the paper. That's like you're et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. It's like instead of instead of finishing your job, which is to be a reporter and write stuff down, you go and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I gotta get to 280 characters now, et cetera, et cetera. The attack we learned from a reliable source was arranged by a San San Francisco group over a month ago by a combination of bears who were

evidently shorting on the stock, short on the stock. So bears, they're calling them bears. I know what a bear is. No, it's Asprey. No. It's not a real bear. Yeah, they love little pots of honey. Nope. They take long walks with heffa lumps. So, Dave, let me jump in here, Chris. I think what we're both asking for is what are the bears doing? So they're upset because the stock is short. They're not making money. But they're bears. They don't need, like Chris said, they need honey. And they like... They're hibernating six months out of the year. Yeah, it's a different bear. Yeah. Oof. Bit rejected. It happens. You get a callus. So these guys are trying to fuck

the stock, right? They're trying to drive down the price. Okay. Thank you for explaining me, because we don't know anything. No, you guys still think that it might be a wild animal up in the mountains. I'm manifesting. I'm hoping it is. So with his connections in the newspaper business, Griffith was able to beat back the men who were trying to take him down. And then in April, the mines struck it rich, hitting a thick vein of silver. In July, they were selling stock at a public auction. Griffith made more than a quarter of a million dollars, which would be 5.7 million dollars today. Okay. Nice. Nice. Nice. So Griffith got the hell out

of the mining business and moved to Los Angeles, where he, quote, bought the Los Feliz Ranch on the outskirts of this city. It contains 67 acres, 6,700 acres of land, partly mountains. It was Rancho Los Feliz. Wow. Okay. And now it's, at this point, it's supposed to be... The belief is that it's cursed. When he bought it, they believed it was cursed because there was a Don... A Don? Yeah, guys, give me a thumbs up. There's a Don Feliz who owns the land. And then he got really sick and old. And a Don Antonio came over to see him with his lawyer. And they had him sign a will, and then they put a stick behind his head to make

him nod. What? Oh my God. Wait for... What? Why do you even... This is what the story is supposed to be. So they... Yeah, he had smallpox. That's right. So Don Don... Can anybody just shout out details for the story? That's a good detail. I'll take that. I normally know. You guys have heard the podcast. You know how people talk? Fucking don't. But I'll take that one. That was good advice. Yeah, he had... So he has smallpox, so they know he's dying, so they go over to the lawyer and... So is that because they didn't want to touch? They didn't want to touch him? Well, they want to... Yeah, and he's also dying, so they want to look like he's nodding in front of

the lawyer. So he... With the sticky nods. And then he dies, and then the Don Antonio takes over the land, and the other... The relatives of Don Feliz sue, and then it turns into this whole fucking thing. And then over the years, people who own this land fucking die, die, die, die, die. So it's like... Why'd you point at me on the last die? Very specifically. I don't think you're gonna make your 930. Oh no. But I have it. Los Angeles tragedy. Funniest comedian goes out with a burst. Deadest comedian. Meanwhile, bears are getting richer and richer. Honey prices through the roof. A couple years later, this was reported in the paper, quote,

he sold 800 inches of the water of the Los Angeles River to the city of Los Angeles for $50,000 cash. Okay. Successfully, 800 inches of water. I don't know what that means. Yeah, why can't... What are they doing? I looked, and I looked, and I don't know what it means. 800 inches of water for $50,000. Could that be distance into like off dry land, into like the riverbed? Like he sold into what would conceivably just be river? Well, I'm sure it's river, but is it 800 inches in depth? Why is he saying inches? That's what he sold. That's what the... Smallpox. Eventually you get feet. Smallpox. Is that right? Yo, SP, what happened?

I didn't know that part at all. All right, so smallpox is useless, except unless you have a disease fact you need. All right. He's... Lupus. So it's one of two things. It's what you said. It's out from the land, right? So the land you own, the bank of the river out, or it's depth. So he might own the property with the river going through, and it could be 800 inches depth. That's definitely the funnier one. All right. This is my section. No, no, no. Don't go further, but go as deep as you like. And the great thing is, is I will get 10 emails from water nerds. You mean our future? So now he's made a profit on the

land by just selling this water. So he didn't pay that much for the land. So he now owns this land. It's basically fucking free. The haunted cursed. The haunted cursed smallpox puppet. Yes. Okay. So yeah, it's the Shining with a River. Los Angeles Herald, April 8th, 1886. Quote, Mr. Griffith J. Griffith yesterday received a report from Dr. Skechley. What? Wait. Come on, Dave. Come on. Come on. You know that guy's not real? Dr. Skechley? Your problem comes from your wallet. And your wife is now mine. Let me bring in my scantily clad nurse into the office for a moment. I'm Dr. Skechley. Dr. Skechley. Okay. Get her in here. So he got a

report from Dr. Skechley at Galveston, Texas. Dr. Skechley was tasked with bringing ostriches from South Africa to Los Feliz. What the fuck? What? Skechley's job is to bring ostriches from Africa to Los Feliz? Yeah. What? And his name's Skechley? Oh, I can do it. Oh, boy. I'm another one of my Skechley pickles. Hey, how good are you at holding ostriches in place? Real good. Oh, boy. Skechley, what have you done? Skechley, you've done it again. You're one of my 800 inches of river. Skechley, you're a genius. Do you step in it again, Skechley? Skechley, you're fired. Okay. Dr. Skechley is brought to you by water. Skechley. 800 inches, length or

depth, you still own it. It's actually neither. So Skechley said the ship he had come on had a rough passage and during a storm 29 of the ostriches had died. So he's doing this. He's bringing all the... Okay. How do they handle a transfer on a ship? Probably not well. Well, 200 lived. Just 29 died, so that's not a bad percentage if you're a giant land-based bird on a ship. Right. Totally not your natural environment. Similar climate, though. Birds aren't like, oh, I'm used to everything rocking. They're like, fuck. And then a couple of them just go, I'm dead. Mm-hmm. Good last words, though. Your bird. Eggs constantly

rolling, port to stern. Big giant eggs. I'm just trying to sit on your egg. Those are big eggs. I told you it'd work. And then there's sailors that are just... What the fuck? It's a crazy ship. Yeah, if it's just ostriches and sailors and your captain Skechley. Well, and Welsh teenagers just fuck it on a boat. Wait, they're fucking? Oh, yeah. The Welsh teenagers, what else are they gonna do? They're on a boat from Wales to Philadelphia. Trust me, they're fucking. Most of them come, they come pregnant. Boys and girls. Where Welsh? Don't complain, Welsh. They would come by train from Galveston, so they're gonna hit

Galveston, get off the boat, get on a train. With all the ostriches. All the ostriches on a train. Sure. Good for them. They're probably like, oh, sweet, it's over. Oh, no, a train. After they arrived at Sepulveda Station, they were marched two miles through Los Angeles to their new ostrich pasture. Home of the Retcho Los Feliz. They're a crop of alfalfa waited for them. So they're fucking loving it. Like, now they're in paradise. Are they? No. No, they're not. Okay. They're giant African birds and now they're like, what's happening? Why am I in L.A.? Do I need a headshot? Well, we've all said that in our lives in L.A., right?

That happened to you. You moved to L.A. You got walked on Sepulveda for two miles to an alfalfa pasture. You just munched on that for a while. Yeah, three and a half years. Yeah. Then I started doing kids' birthday parties. Then I met you. Yep. And now here you are wearing a white chocolate Hershey's Kiss hat. Funniest comedian in Los Angeles. It's because of the hat that I got it, by the way. Oh, really? It's the hat pump, yeah. Where'd you get the hat? A friend left it on the stage for me. I don't know who it was, but it was up here. Someone likes to have a warm head. Yeah. Not everyone was down with the assages. Okay. L.A.

Harold, June 1st, 1886, quote, some of the ladies of this city have formed an association and agreed not to wear feather trimmings on their hats in order to prevent the killing of feathered birds for fashion. They thought they thought he was going to kill the birds to take their feathers, but it turns out you don't have to kill assages to take their feathers. You can just go ahead and pull it out. Well, surely it's not a pleasure. Yeah, but they're also not dying. A bunch of their buddies did. That's because they were weak and couldn't handle the journey. Boy, I'll tell you, ostriches get really fucking seasick. A bunch

of them even. They also couldn't put their little heads in the ground on a ship. Yeah. They're just like, fuck, fuck. Sir, we got a hole. Sir, we got a bunch of holes. These ostriches are digging their head into the ocean. Send a telegram. See the land to Dr. Skechley. What do we do? Skechley. Grandfather was now being called Colonel Griffith. Sure. But no one knew why. The only military title he'd ever officially had was a major of rifle practice with the California National Guard. That's not even when he just went and he's like, we're practicing shooting. Can I be a major? They're like, yeah, all right. All right, I'm in charge.

How we practice? All right. I'm going to be a sergeant. Go fuck yourself. All right. Well, that's easy. Griffith said he got the title from working for a governor, which was just total horseshit. He was, quote, deliberately flashy and used to parade around town with a cane and in a frock coat. Okay. So canes are now solely red flags on this podcast. Anytime that somebody has a cane, they are losing their shit and they are becoming evil. Wow. Yeah. It's the penguin factor, I call it. In reference to the classic Batman, the penguin, no actual penguins with canes. Penguins have canes. Have you not seen March of the Penguins? Haven't seen

that. Sorry. Limp of the penguins. It's a much better film. Have you read or seen Mr. Popper's penguins? With Jim Carrey? Yeah, canes. I mean, you know, I catch it on like, you know, Cinemax from now and then, but not like actively. Well, there's canes. It's a cane bird. Okay. So you're watching Cinemax for Mr. Popper's penguins? Chris, you don't know. You don't know who I am. I do know who you are. I know someone who's Popper in their penguin of Cinemax. And Aquanes described Griffith as, quote, a midget egomaniac. Another's described to him as a roly-poly pompous little fellow who had an exaggerated strut like a turkey gobbler. Hey, remember when

I called him the penguin? Validated. I own Sepulveda Boulevard. These ostriches love alfalfa. Because he had been poor as a kid, he now wanted to not just to be rich, but to look rich. Either way, he was doing fine. Griffith got engaged to Mary Agnes Christina Messmer, the daughter of a wealthy landowner. Okay. Now, would she take both of Griffith's names or just the one? I think just the one. Okay, that's cool. But then, after a little while, in January 8, 1887, Griffith wrote her a letter, quote, I am reluctantly compelled to state that I fear you are, you are a tool in the hands of your father. You misrepresented your wealth to me, thus you

and your father are trying to impose on me. I ask that I be released from the engagement. So she, he thinks she doesn't have enough money, like she said. So he's like, you're not, I can't do this because I need a lady who's just fucking roll it in cash. Why, why is he, he's asking for release? He wants to be released from the because you could, if back then, if you asked someone to marry you and you, and then you broke it off, they could sue you for money. Okay. But why do you write her a letter? Wasn't she like in the drawing room next door? Like, well, they're just engaged. So, so where's she? You don't, once you get engaged to someone, I don't

know what you're, you don't see them. Till the wedding. It's bad luck. The wedding. So you write them, I mean, me and my wife just, it was just all letters back and forth. I still do a lot of letters. I haven't seen her in six months. No one's seen your wife at a long time. Nobody's seen Heather in years. Honestly, Dave says it all the time. He says, I nobody's seen her in years. She's fine. She shouts it sometimes. She's not a trip to Canada. Yeah, she's been in Canada for like six and a half years. They write letters. Somehow she managed to convince Griffith that she did have money and they

got married. So that, like, she was like, no, no, no, no, no. Of course I have money. This is the right relationship. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Good lord. Exactly right. Like, he was like, you need a dowry and she was like, I really am rich. You better be, otherwise I'm not attracted to you. I'm not supposed to fuck someone who's not rich. Shove a five in my mouth. Shove a five in my mouth. Why'd he go to a five? That's so cheap. I mean, a $2 coin. Put anything in my mouth. And so she's worthy of marriage because on April 13th, 1887, they were married. The papers reported quote, the bride has $1 million in her own right while the groom's wealth is

estimated at $5 million in lands and mines. She's 20 years old and speaks four languages while he is 34. Oh my God, that was a very upsetting note. The front row did not care for that detail. The front row was like, he's 34, she's 20. In fact, then you lived to like 51. Yeah. Yeah. So he was like in that day, so like proportionally of the era, he was like 60 years old. Yeah. Yeah, he's gonna die any minute. Okay. Also, she was Catholic and Griffith was Protestant. Oh boy. We all know what that could be like. What? It's gonna be fine. Why would I bring that up? I just can't wait to see how this bear thing plays out. This is gonna be great. I think the bears are gonna come in in the third act

big in this one. Knock, knock, knock. Oh, yes, hello. I represent a large constituent of the honeybees in the neighborhood. Wait a minute. Why did he knock? Oh, yes. I believe my friend was here the other day. Yeah, I was mauled by a bear. Oh, no. Yeah. Are you guys from the hospital? You guys. There's a lot of bears around here. Oh my God. You need to stop answering the door. Well, that's why they killed off. That's why they killed off all the knocking bears. Smart extinct now. They quickly cranked out a son named Van. An advertisement appeared. Sorry. Hold on. They quickly cranked out a son named Van. Yeah, Van. Let's not hit the gas so hard on the Van detail, huh? Van. Van Griffith.

She gave birth to a van. I saw that movie with Ryan Reynolds. It's great. Oh, that is a good one. An advertisement appeared in the Los Angeles Herald, February 15th, 1888. Real estate, real estate, Los Feliz Foothills, a mammoth auction. Go tell ye ocean breezes that round my pathway play of this terrestrial haven where chilling forests never stay, where my eyes may feast on mountain on city, city, sea and dale, where the age never weary and the cheek never groweth pale, where the sick, the lame and feeble may rebuild the shattered health and the seeker after fortune layeth by the great chunks of wealth. So they really got into the ad. Dr. Seuss Headland? They were really into ads back then in the paper.

I guess. I mean, you have to be reading that out loud for it to be effective. Is that the monologue from the bad guy from Halloween III, season of the witch? Is that that part? What is it? What came without waffles of clay? That is a great fucking movie. You guys are wrong. You guys are wrong. That is a great movie. January 1887, Krippeth, it sold 297 acres to Frank Burkett. In June 1889, Burkett sued Krippeth for $43,000 for damages because he had bought the property during a real estate boom. I'm not sure that's how that works. Yeah. You screwed me. The economy. I was an idiot. Krippeth had reportedly pulled in 700,000 from sales of land. According to Krippeth, the land was leased to Burkett

for the specific purpose of ostrich farming. Oh boy. Burkett tried to raise, uh, ostriches, but failed. And then he sold off, uh, the ostriches. And Krippeth then said Burkett had not fulfilled his part of the contract. Burkett also got behind on his payments. And when Burkett tried to sell the land to Dr. Sketchley, oh boy. Krippeth said Burkett had forfeited the land by not raising ostriches. Burkett then wanted $25,000 for slander. In 1890, the state of the Supreme Court, uh, ruled against Krippeth that it was not slander and he owed the land the contract was valid. They tried to sell the ostriches back to Sketchley? Well, where, where, where? Look who comes crawling back to old Sketchley.

Not so crazy now, is I? There's my girls. Why are they running away from me? Sketchley, what have you done? No, I'm in another one of my classic Sketchley pickles. Quick, honey, stand on my shoulders and wear this giant overcoat. We're going to pretend we're a chic. Now, we're going to go to two proms at the same time and trick those ostriches into coming back to old Sketchley. Right? Yeah, so he, he, he's just in sitcom premises in the 1800s. Oh, Sketchley. So yeah, so Burkett signed a contract that he would raise the ostriches and he didn't. So he's fucked. On October 29th, 1891, Griffith and Mary went to the cemetery to put flowers on her mother's grave. She took the flowers to the vault while

Griffith sat in the buggy. Burkett drove up in a buggy and when he was about 15 feet behind Griffith, he whipped out a shotgun and shot one barrel. Griffith was hit in the right side, shoulder and back of his head. He half fell, half jumped out of the buggy, which makes sense. I think it's more of a fall. Yeah. I don't know how much he leapt so much as was propelled by physical force. He ran for the caretakers house as he ran Burkett fired the other barrel hitting Griffith in the back. Oh boy. This is not going to go well. The caretakers baby was lying in a carriage near the house and some shot lodged in the top of the carriage, but the baby was okay. Okay. Although he, he is the baby of

a caretaker, so let's sketchy. Burkett then drove his horse and buggy diagonally across the street, took out a revolver, put it behind his right ear and shot himself. Jesus. Dying in silly. Okay. What? These were our players. We doing a recast? Don't get attached. I did. Don't get attached to anybody. The name of that caretakers baby, Robert Redford. Yes. It's all coming around. Everything's coming up sketchy. The name of the caretaker, Cato Kalen. A police patrol wagon was sent to the scene of the shooting quote where Frank Burkett was found sitting in a buggy, his head falling back and blood and brains oozing from a ragged hole in the right side of his head. Hey, I think it's my head. Mr. Gerveth had been driven

to the United States hotel and the dead man was taken to the morgue where a constant stream of spectators viewed the remains during the rest of the afternoon. Hey, Jimmy, there's a body down at the morgue. You want to go? Yeah. Yesterday, I would really like to see a body today. Let's go see it. Just a big line. Look how dead he is. Holy shit. That guy's so dead. You know what? I couldn't make it to the morgue today. Do you guys just want to stab me in the gut and look in the hole? I mean, if we're not going to make it to the morgue, we got to do something. I mean, what are we going to do without the visceral carnage right in our faces? I need to see blood once a day. Hey, you're a caretaker, right? Yeah,

I'm Cato. Yeah. How's your kid? What? He's fine. All right. No, no, no, no. We don't look at dead babies. No, I heard a shotgun blast went near your kid. Yeah? Yeah. Is this a threat? You're looking in my gut hole. Who's threatened right now? It's pretty sweet. Sketchly is. So, you know, they're just enjoying a good day of sightseeing of the guy's open head. Hey. Griffith's back is right shoulder in the back of his head where Pepper was shot. The physicians decided that he was not wounded enough to die. What? That's a weird decision to arrive at. Wait, the dead guy was not dead? Griffith is not dead. Oh, okay. But he lost a name. He's just got a lot. Yeah, he's just Jay Griffith now. He just didn't, it hurts

is what they said. I bet he said that. He probably was like, yeah, it hurts. Birgit wrote a letter that he had on him that said he planned to take his enemies life. He did not. Griffith was interviewed by a reporter. Quote, nothing could have been more unexpected. I think the man was half crazed by his troubles. He blamed me, but I never wronged him out of a dollar. He was one of five of the ostrich men to whom I gave leases. That's a weird way to put it. He was to pay me $53,000, but did not pay any of it. He did not keep up with the rent, and I had to get a judgment for it. He put buildings on the place and the house was burned down shortly before he left. He has not been on the ranch now for some time. There's nothing

more I could say now. It was an attack behind my back. The police found a satchel in Birgit's room that contained two loaded shells for a shotgun. It turns out Birgit had put the wrong shells in the gun. He used shells loaded with bird shot. Had he used a shot that kills a human, Griffith would have been dead. So he just grabbed the wrong... Did he get any birds? That's what I'm getting at. All the birds. He got all the birds. Okay, that's good. Good update. People in Los Veliz knew Birgit said he was an expert shot and, quote, could beat nearly everyone in Los Veliz in shooting contests. They used to have those there. Sure. We'll get there again. Don't you worry. We're walking. In December 1897, Griffith gave 3,000 acres of land to the city of Los

Angeles for a public park. Okay. There was not... Oh, careful. It's not going where you think it is. This is about the making of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman. You'll see. You'll all see his number one villain, the ostrich. There was not a city in the country that would have such an enormous park, and Griffith was heralded as a great man. It would be called Griffith Park. The land was worth a quarter of a million dollars. Griffith stipulated it must be made a place of recreation and rest for the masses, a resort for the rank and file, for the plain people. We all probably go there. I know, but it's just such a... Yeah. For you common fucks, I've given land. You're trying to say folks? Fucks. You... Folks? No, you... He's Welsh. He's got that Welsh thing going.

He better have a Welsh thing. I'm saying you normal, simple fucks with your little shit non-Austrian is the Welsh. He's saying folks and I'm hearing the Welsh. If you don't have a big bird job, then you're a simple fucking loser, and now I've given you a place to frolick. Boy, it's thick. That's a thick accent. That's a thick accent he's got there. Real thick. Sounded like he said a lot of crazy stuff. Worthless shits now have land to run around in, and I will look down on you. Well, you can't. You're a tiny, rolly-poly little dude with some sort of cane like the turds that you are. Human feces. But here's a park. We'll take it. Yeah, I like being outdoors. I like a good hike. Oh my gosh. I wish the

Welshness wasn't so fiery. Yeah, I know. I consider it my obligation to make Los Angeles a happier, cleaner, and finer city. A newspaper reported, quote, in recognition of the great value of the city of the gift to the city, the Chamber of Commerce voted Griffith J. Griffith an honorary life membership in social life. Griffith has never been prominent outside of a small circle of club and social friends. He has during his varied career, made hosts of bitter enemies and a few fast and true friends. That's cool. Good numbers. Weird newspaper report. Yeah. Everybody hates him, but like seven guys. The weekly tension. He made hosts of bitter enemies. Yeah, that's what it said. Hey, Griffith, open the goddamn door. My blood enemy,

you're having me over for ham sandwiches. All right, I guess I can host a little. You're my host now, asshole. Yeah, let me get some lemonade. Have you been to the park yet? Yeah, I went to the park. Go take a shit on your own face, though. That's what it's for you. You know what? Just get some snacks and get out of here. Oh, I love patchouli. I would like to go to another time where you're not. Do they have patchouli back then? Surely back back then. They had fucking ostriches that came from ever. I would think they probably have some kind of perfume and they probably rub flowers on themselves. I'll stop pitching. All right, so now griffith is a shit. And in July 1900,

the city was a flutter because Griffith was going to meet Teddy Roosevelt. The Los Angeles Herald quote. When the Colonel from the wild and woolly west meets another Colonel from the pretentious and scorching east, there's bound to be excitement. Oh boy, it's a boxing match. The doughy Colonel of our beloved city is now. It's a terrible description. It really is like a doughy doughy. Our big soft Colonel is the marshmallow man, as we've called him in the paper, the sexually repellent little fuckface. No one cares for him. The pile of weird goo that blinks and talks. Thanks for the park. Welcome. He's now wrote to Roosevelt's home, all of Colonel Griffith's well known and justly admired graces of mind and body are accompanying him on this visit. So he's

he's bringing his manners in the crew body or whatever. Oh, okay, good. If Colonel Roosevelt, while an amiable and well-meaning man never gave any city a magnificent park, does not admit after meeting Colonel Griffith J. Griffith that there are other kernels than those who climbed San Juan Hill. There's little use of Los Angeles sending more of the flower of its manhood and citizenry to the home of the New York man. So first of all, this is a terrible writer, but he's basically saying that if Roosevelt does not like Griffith, then Los Angeles should not send any more men to fight in the war. And that they calls him out for never having a park? Yeah, also he doesn't have a park. Also a fun dagger. Yeah. A parkless fuck. And then Roosevelt started putting parks everywhere.

It's probably because of that fucking article. Really? No. Okay. If Roosevelt doesn't admit how great. Oh yeah, I read that. All right. So although it went great, so they fucking loved each other, Roosevelt's like, you're an awesome, soft, white guy. But not all the news of Griffith was great. A 1900 paper reported that close friends for years have been saying that Griffith's marriage was not a happy one and they were having bitter quarrels. Well, it sounded like it had a good foundation. Yeah. I mean, it was based on money and fibbing. Yeah. Writing, give me my money letters from the next room. That always goes well. You better have a lot of money. Look under your door. Knowing you read it. They went to spend a nice summer vacation at the Arcadia Hotel in Santa Monica.

It had been built as Santa Monica's first first class hotel, 125 rooms on the beach, four floors, each room had an electric bell. Get out of here. Someone's going to be honey, honey, honey, right? Pretend I'm asleep. Ring the bell. All right. Oh, no, he's asleep. Is that an electric bell? Yeah. You go, you go, you go, you go. Just so tired. Oh my god, the electric bell. Jet packs forever. There was quote, a sun parlor overlooking the beach where invalids can enjoy the solar rays without any wind. Cool. Yeah. So there's an invalid area. Yeah. Yeah. You guys can do the sun all you want to whatever you want. Yeah. Got a whole zone for you guys. Yeah. There was a big ballroom, a hot saltwater bathhouse and 600 feet of porches.

But the hotel did not exactly flourish. Sounded like with a lot of porches. They had a lot of porches 600 feet. Did they advertise the electric bell? I think it was all about the electric bell. Come ring your bell. This is great. I've never had so much fun in a room. And what does the electric bell do? It gets someone to come to your room? I think so. Or it rings using electricity. Sorry. I keep questioning it. Yes, it does. That's what it does. We'll be the point of that. That's true. Just as you walk by, it's all just bells ringing like what a nightmare. Doing up there. Oh my god. Fucking power strips everywhere plugged into bells. Yes. We don't have enough power for all the goddamn bells we put in this fucking place.

These people just won't stop fucking ringing these bells. Mori, you put it in the paper. It's an electric bell based hotel. I understand that. I thought they do other shit. It's the summer. This is our big season. I know. And we're running out of bell electricity. We can't close it. Now listen, there was another bell killing last night. Okay. Look, look, I think we just shut the whole thing down. No, no, no. Listen, people are dying. My kids were on that bell too. No, we're going to keep this hotel open. What have I done? Just such a nightmare. So many bells. When I go to sleep, I just hear bells. I called my wife Bell the other day. I punched a fireman because of the firebell. I'm having sex with some of the bells.

Sir, could I take your order? Yeah. I'll take a cob salad. And then can I get the actual dressing on the side? And I'll have a martini and keep them coming. You guys should get a bell system so I can just get you over here. No, I do not think that is a good idea. No downside. No, I've heard a rumor that that can drive a man crazy. Just the cob and martini, please. All right. The hotel did not exactly flourish. It changed management several times and had to close during the off season. Rich Band began using it as a place to bring their mistresses, which did not help the hotel's reputation. Sure. There was a fire in 1899 that started at the fish grill from a newspaper. What happened? There's a fire from the fish grill caught on fire. Okay,

makes sense. Too many scrod. Too many fish. How many salmon are you going to put on there? Slow it down. Jimmy, I've been counting your fish. That's way too high. That fish oil is going to catch like that. No way. It did. What I like about that scene immediately played out. Boom. Two lines from a newspaper quote, one lady rushed into a room through her shoes on the top of her best hat, then put her hat on her head and dashed out after securing an ink stand filled with ink, which she held high above her head. When asked why she had the stand, she regained her presence of mind sufficiently to drop the ink spilling the fluid all over a handsome gown, which was ruined. That's what happened in the fire. In the fire, a woman put shoes on her hat and put the hat on

her head and then grabbed a bunch of ink and then was like, what am I doing and dropped it? That's the story. Is there a middle or end? That was the story reported. What about other people? Did anybody get hurt in the fire? They lost a lot of ink. Yeah, I mean, a gown got really fucked up from ink. So I don't know why you're going on about a fire. There's a bigger tragedy happening. Hey, Julian, you're the reporter on like the local hotel fire beat, right? Yes. So your story yesterday, you wrote about the lady with the shoes on her hat? We found the biggest victim, yeah. Right, you're on the fire beat? Yeah. What happened with the fire? 38 dead, but this lady, this lady, you should have seen her. She had a shoe hat and nobody could write.

I mean, it all burned down. But yeah, 38 dead. All right. Yeah. I'm going to name you best reporter in Los Angeles. Yeah. Feels earned. Criminals that were called hotel sharks started targeting guests, swindling them out of large sums of money. Hey, you got 200 bucks? Yep. Great. See you, stop. One was described in the Times quote, during August arrived one day, well dressed, good looking man who inscribed his name as W. T. English, judging by his general appearance. And that is outfit. He was a man of many means. He soon became a marked figure in the hotel lobby for he as a rule wore a jaunty, a nautical cap. Oh, my God. Like an admiral's like a captain's hat like that. Yeah. Like from the fucking Gilligan's Island. It's the same fucking deal.

And except people in the hotel are like, Jesus, that automatically adds a zero to your net worth. If you are just walking around with a sailor like a captain's hat on, you're like, well, he's somebody or he's out of his mind, but could be somebody. You got to be somebody. Back then, it was illegal to wear a nautical hat if you didn't have a ship. Of course it was. Of course it was. Of course it was. Why wouldn't it be small box? Is that true? Yep. Thumbs up. Small box. He soon had charmed a bunch of guests and made off with tons of money. But I mean, and it's kind of just hat based. Yeah, it's like people like, Oh my God, no, it's fully, they saw his hat and they were like, well, this guy's got to be trusted. Look,

everything he's saying is totally crazy. Oh, I don't know if you've noticed I'm wearing a captain's hat. May I hold any expensive jewels of the guests of the hotel? Just to be safe. I mean, I'll keep them on my boat. Give me your rings. Give me your rings and earrings. This guy's got a captain hat on. Give me this. Here you go, man. Thank you very much. And you'll hold it? Yes, in my ship vault. Also, neck slice. If you want to have a good fun time, look inside that hole, my friend. Holy moly. Oh, man, I haven't seen this something this great since I went to the morgue. Wait, you got a, you got a foghorn in the lobby? Anyways, back to sea. Uh, the day that would do the most damage to the hotel was September 3rd, 1903. The Griffiths

had taken the presidential suite occupying rooms 101 through 105. They went for a walk to the pier in the afternoon and then sat there for a while and they walked back and Griffiths said he was going to get a postal card to mail to his uncle. He told Mary to go up and pack. The season was coming to a close. Mary was packing a truck when Griffiths came in and said he would help her. He folded up a coat and a pair of pants and she said she would take care of the clothes. He then picked up her prayer book and walked over to her and said, quote, would you swear on this prayer book the same as you would on the Bible? I really feel like 10 seconds ago we turned a corner. And I don't know what's coming out. No, right now it was, if it were a movie, strings

are happening. A lot of strings right now. Oh my gosh. She said, quote, why certainly? And Griffiths spotted, quote, get down on your knees and answer these questions. Oh God, oh boy. That's a, I mean who hasn't done that to their wife? Yeah. On your knees and answer my questions. She then noticed he was holding a revolver in his right hand. She then noticed. Hey honey, how was the postal card? Is that a revolver? This is what I signed cards with now. She asked him to put it down. He said he wouldn't hurt her. Terrible line. She asked him to put it down again and he told her to close her eyes. Well, this is not a good order. I've got a bad, bad feeling. Why? I missed the prayer book. She pretended to close her eyes and then he asked his questions, quote, did you ever hear or know

anything about Andrew Briswalter being poisoned? She said no. He then asked, quote, have you ever been implicated with or do you know of anyone giving me poison? What? She said certainly not. Turns out he'd always been worried about being poisoned his whole life. Well this just came out of nowhere. And picked this moment to tell all of us about it. Yeah. At the hotel, Mary had to order the meal for the family as a whole because if it came in individual orders. Wait, wait, so that was it? Oh, hold on. I'm just telling you about the poison. Oh no. At the hotel, Mary would order the meal for the family as a whole because if it came in individual orders, Griffith would exchange portions with Mary and Van. Oh boy. So he's,

he got a plate, he'd slide it over and go, Van, you eat that. Nice try, Van. Eat my spaghetti, dickhead. I'm five. Dad, I'm five. Yeah, pretty smart for a five. Now switch plates with your mom and I'll take my original plate back because I think you all thought I was gonna do that. I'm not an idiot. Ring, ring. It's hitting the bell. We're all gonna eat spaghetti from each other's bowls. And your mother and I are gonna share mouthfuls. I'm not crazy. Well, so Van is 15 and he's down on the beach at this point. Those Vans are. Third question, quote, have you always been faithful to your marriage vows? She said, as God as her witness, she had, as she answered, Griffith shot her in the head.

Why ask the questions? But she moved her head at the last second. She sprang towards him, fought with him, and then sing an open window, let go of Griffith, and leapt out. What? Well, hold on. Let's let the other shoe drop. I don't know what you're clapping for, but I don't think it's what you think you're clapping for. Quote, I sprang out and fell to the wooden porch roof below. I was able to crawl safely through another window. She's giving quotes. A bellboy at the hotel said, quote, I heard screams. Which floor? Yeah, why don't you just ring the bell? Boy, the bellboy when they installed those bells, he was like, Oh boy, guess whose life just got a lot more complex. Welcome

to my nightmare. The bellboy at the hotel said, quote, I heard screams from upstairs and thought to myself that their son was getting an awful beating. Cool. Totally fine. So I went about my business as soon as I knew there wasn't a problem. It was just the beating of a child. I continued my day work. Yeah, I would have gone up, but then we all realized it was fan cares. Don't go. He's fine. Then came a crash on the porch roof. I was standing in the hall outside and immediately went in. Miss Griffith was on her knees, her face and the upper part of her waist covered in blood. She was crying and sobbing, but said nothing that I heard. I ran out for help. As I did so, Colonel Griffith shouted, get a doctor quick. Someone's been shot. By me. I mean someone.

A Dr. J. H. Crawford was called. I would love for Dr. Shaftley to show up. Hello. My name is Scotchley. Scotchley, I mean. Did somebody call for an ostrich? He rides in an ostrich. Hello. Scotchley's the name. Funny bits is the game. And I'm married to this bird. Now, what seems to be the problem? I hear your guns having issues. Colonel Griffith told the doctor that everything in his power must be done for Mary. Mary had been taken into a room. She was able to speak and asked if she was going to die. The doctor said she would not and said that her symptoms were not alarming. Now, she's been shot in the head. Right. No, no, no. You'll be fine. Little bad rest, little water, you'll be up again in no time. Maybe he doesn't know what alarming means.

Yeah. Well, they're ringing bells all over the place. I mean, shit. Now, listen, you'll just be dead for a couple days, but take these pills and I'm sure you'll be less dead by the end of the week. They're called the Juliet. Have these. It turned down the doctor wanted to calm her down because quote, she was in a condition bordering on hysteria. I love that woman who's been shot in the head. They're like, you're being a little crazy right now. Boy, look, nobody's accusing you of doing anything, but I would get it because she really has attitude. She is all about her in that room. Won't shut up. My head's bleeding. I'm dying. My head's bleeding. My husband shot me. Pretty needy. Yeah. Pretty needy. Yeah. Where's her concern for you? You lost two bullets in a

prayer book. Lord. Another doctor arrived three hours later quote. Hello, am I on time? Oh, I walked all the way here. I was going to take a buggy, but I thought what a night for a straw. Believe it or not, I swam. Was it Van again? Oh, somebody needs to beat that kid. That kid needs a bell ringing like this hotel. The pulse of the patient was irregular. I did not think it wise to put her under an anesthetic. The bullet had struck squarely on the sharp edge of the upper rim of bone over the eye. There are powder burns about the eye and on the nose, which indicate that the distance could not have been greater than a couple of feet. The sharp edge of the bone of her eye socket had split the bullet and a part of it had plowed its

way upward under the skin. I administered a local cocaine anesthetic. Let's wake her up. Come on, sister. It's party time. A little for the patient, a little for the doctor. Now let's stamp on nine. Talk about what 2001 really means, man. My head. I know. It's like, it's in your head. What is it? He removed part of the bullet. The other and larger portion of the bullet had entered the eye socket. I gave Ms. Griffith an opiate and then made arrangements for her travel to the hospital. She had also broken an arm from the fall. At the hospital, she had surgery. Dr. Rogers, quote, found that the bullet had crushed the coats of the eye and that the liquid matter had escaped, leaving the ball of the eye

flattened out. You, and this is, I have a friend who's, as an uncle who is an eye doctor and they're not supposed to be flat. He said that? No, I said that. Oh, okay. So that's just hearsay. Yeah. I mean, no, I know that's true because I talked to the guy and he was like, no, they're not. They can't, they can't be flat. I know some flat irs. No, they're out there. There's no flat eye. Oh, sure. There's a lot of flat irs. Yeah, people have flat eyes. Lots of people. Keep going with your story. But I mean, I'm poking holes in here. A lot of people have those cartoons, dolls. The list goes on and on, Dave. Dr. Rogers removed the eye and several more pieces of a splintered bone. The papers covered it smartly. A second headline in the Herald that day read, Colonel

Griffith, not an absinthe drinker. What? Is now the time for his Buzzfeed not list? What does this guy not do? Boy, murder didn't make it. Weird. They interviewed the bartender who said he was definitely not an absinthe drinker. Okay, well, we close that one up. Pretty easy. You confused? A little bit. By what? When did that come into play? Oh, it hasn't. Oh, no. Someone just found a new angle. Some clever reporter. Hey, guess what? Not Stung to Death by Hornets. This just in, he can't breathe underwater. Griffith told his son his own version. Van had been on the beach. According to... The prayer book shot her. According to Griffith, they were in the room packing and Mary came across the revolver. Griffith said he lectured Mary

about holding her. Now, now, now, Mary. And went to take it away and it accidentally went off. Oh, that's what happened with OJ. The Los Angeles Herald reported this and quote, Colonel Griffith is a man whom no one could consider capable of attempting to do away with his wife. Case closed. He gave us a park for God's sakes. Who gives someone a park and then kills a woman? Oh, good Lord. This is definitely changing Griffith Park. Yep. Mary's sister said Griffith told her the injury was slight and that Mary would be up and around in a few days. Oh, yes. Once she gets her brain back in her head and fixes that pancake eye, she'll be as good as new. Let's see. Point blank bullet to the eye. She'll be up in two days. No

problem. She'll be no problem. Have her out here in two days. Van was quoted in the paper saying Griffith told him she was shot when the gun fell and he hoped his parents wouldn't separate. Boy, that, I mean, Van just wants his family to go. I know. And we all understand that play, but still. But okay. So I mean, she did it to herself. Don't take either of them away. Right. Mommy, daddy shot mommy, but we can work it out. I'm going to parent trap them. Yeah. We'll all still be in the same house though, right? Like mommy will still be close to daddy. Physically. Oh, mommy's eye will get its own room. Mom will have its own room. I'll be in my own

room. Passing letters will be a fine family van. Don't worry about a thing. Don't touch me, dad. All right. Hey, can we go outside? I want to talk to you about lasagna real quick. It tastes funny sometimes, doesn't it, your little ship? Nobody's poisoning me. You're poisoning the lasagna, didn't you? Maybe. You did. Nope. Switch lasagna with me. Tastes like poison. No, no, no. You wouldn't eat it. Spit it. Into your mouth. We're not eating anymore. And yes, that is what I was going to say, Van. So they charged, three days later, they charged him with murder or assault with the intent to

commit murder. The warrants issued and then they start looking for Griffith and they keep going to places where he's known to Ben and he just keeps going around town and everywhere they go. They're like, he just had a drink here. Not absent. It's just like a place under a place. And then at 10 p.m. they find out he's a friend's house and he's waiting for detectives. So he's arrested at 11 p.m. And then he immediately takes a piece of paper out from his pocket and hands it to the sheriff deputy saying, quote, I think you'll find this all right. And it was a bond. So he's already paid for his own bail before he's arrested. Wow. So the the sheriff just let him go. What is that? Well, they arrested him and then he's like, here, this is my get out

of jail free card. All right, I knew him, boys. Okay. Seems all right to me. Yeah, no questions here. And he spent the night at his friend's house. A month later, Mary filed for divorce. Oh, no. On what grounds? I can't figure it out. Like it seemed like everything's going fine. They just they just broke through their biggest issue. Yeah, the poison food. And now you're going to throw all that away, all that hard work away. I don't know. I don't know what she's thinking. God, you just got to see the forest through the trees on something like this. You know, marriage, there's times when it's rocky and you got to work, you got to work through it. Look, you're going to shoot your wife in the

eye. Where is Heather? Where's your wife right now? She's in Canada, right? She's in Canada, her Canada trip. Yep. Yeah, she's been there six and a half years. Yeah, she's a she's going to like a it's like a pirate school. Yeah, she runs a pirate school. She runs a pirate. Yes, Chris, let's not it's not a big she's got an eye patch situation. So yeah, so she's one of those flat eyes. She's got one of those flat eyes, which is one she had one flat eye, but it's not I didn't you know, I was just like, are you crying? Yeah, I'm not crying, but I just water is coming from your eye. Well, you know, carefully, you'll get a flat eye. Gryffith denied he'd ever treated his wife poorly, and then he had not shot her. On February 15th,

1904, the trial of Gryffith began. And then the story moved. There it is. The defense. They said it was insane when he did it. That's the defense. Okay, prosecutors revealed Gryffith on the day of the shooting told the owner of the Arcadia Hotel that he and his wife have had a great deal of trouble over her adherence to the Roman Catholic Church. And the monument he had erected to his mother's memory at Hollywood. They had been finding over that too. I guess it was like a Protestant something on it. So she refused to visit it. Sure. Miss Gryffith said she was asked about times she had previously been threatened. And she said this is on on the witness stand. He spoke in a very determined manner. She answered and then the lawyer said and

described me as look at first. You said it was strange. Would you also describe his manner at Santa Monica is strange? And she said if you call determination, strangeness at Santa Monica was his look not peculiar. No, it was determined. I would have used the word peculiar, obviously, but I did not feel that it was correct. And the word should have been determined. So they're literally because they're saying he's insane. They're fighting over the word peculiar. Okay. Dr. ML Moore was called next. He said Gryffith had told him they had fought over the gun and that Mary quote was a very strong and vicious woman. Yeah. She could also bench like 360. Absolutely. Mary's stepmother testified that Gryffith refused to marry her

until the land Mary held in her name was deeded to him. So that's how it worked out with the marriage. She he had to get the land first before he'd marry her. The defense then made their case that Gryffith had been insane for years and that his insanity was in intermittent but systematic and caused by chronic alcoholism. They explained he would go to the same bar again and again and say to the bartender, Joe, you would not poison me, would you? Jesus God, it's like liquor. I mean, I mean, it's poison. It's actual poison. I mean, it is actually poison. Yeah, it's actual. And if they're putting stuff in my sandwiches, not a glass of poison, please. I'm gonna go hurt my wife. I love your Cosby impression. That's doing good. Another glass of poison in my life.

Gryffith's barber testified that he often talked about. He had great hair. And I don't think he'd do anything because his good hair was really good. He really liked the mutton chops. You know what I mean? It was like a wolverine, but it was more than a wolverine. It was like right up to the end. Like it was all fur and then just like an inch strip knot right here in the middle. He had a Hitler knot and he liked it a little off the ears. Okay, we were asking you... Go ahead. Enough. He liked the shave. Help. Nope. Do you normally have that haircut? Yeah, I don't know about you. I mean, we could... No. I mean, we... Do you normally have that haircut? Yeah, I think that was kind of what we were saying. Your honor,

can I approach the bench? Yes. These guys are fucking idiots. Yeah, I don't know. They're your witnesses. I don't know why you called them. You know they're both masturbating, right? Holy shit. Hey, you know what you guys need? What? Haircuts. Oh, all right. Your honor, may I shoot myself in the face? Griffith's barber testified that he had often talked about the plots of Catholics to poison people and get their money. I mean, it's just small talk when you get a haircut. Oh yeah, it's been good. No, I heard they were. Oh yeah, I want to see that. It's like... Also, the Catholics are trying to kill everybody. Yeah, Catholics are up to no good, huh? Leave it long in the back. Yeah, the Catholics are Satan. Now, the prosecutor brought forth dude after dude who had

known Griffith for years and they all said he was sane. March 3rd, Griffith was found guilty. Is that really how you test the sanity of a human? Yeah, you just... In this time, you're just like... A bunch of his guy friends said he's cool, so... Yeah, he's all good. March 3rd, Griffith was found guilty by jury of attempting to kill his wife. The judge sentenced him a week later in front of a packed and excited court. Everyone was very excited to see a wealthy man being sentenced. Judge Smith, yeah, well, be weird if that happened again. Oh God, I can't wait. Judge Smith, quote, I think a more aggravated assault I have never heard of in the experience of 14 years on this bench. Therefore, it is ordered and decreed by this court that you be confined in the state prison

of San Quentin for two years. Wait, what? Suck it, motherfucker. We threw the book at you, you animal. I think they threw the book in a direction. Yeah. I wouldn't say it was at him. You shot your wife in the eye. Goodbye to two years. We're removing four of your 800 river feet, my friend. He was also given a $5,000 fine. Oh, well, he'll learn. The audience stood and applauded the severity of the sentence, and the judge pounded his gavel and told him to quiet down. So they just didn't get it either. They were, they just like literally anything that was not, not guilty was like, that'll do. That'll do. Since you know an hour of hard labor, well, he deserves it. Plus, hey, where's that millionaire going to come up with a $5,000 fine? Good luck

finding the five grand. Sell one of those rare ostrich eggs, I'll bet. After gravity got out of prison, he fought for better prison conditions. Griffith died. Griffith died on July 6, 1919, of a quote, liver malady from which he had suffered for six months. So he was a fucking drinker and his fucking liver went to shit. So the whole time he was just drinking, worrying about being poisoned to kill himself. An observatory and laboratory, I know there's a laboratory, was built on Mount Hollywood in Griffith Park with money from Griffith's will, as was the Greek theater. The city had been reluctant to take his money when he was alive because the whole murder thing had happened. But now that he was dead, they're like, yeah, we'll take his money. Yeah, no, it's good

now. And they did not change the name of the criminals' park. No, that would be good to change it. Wouldn't it? To her name, maybe? Yeah, or FlatEye. Oh, man. You know, I do pilates on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Where? FlatEye Park. I love FlatEye. Do you ever go there? Oh, yeah, I love the observatory. I saw Cougar up there at one time. They're coming down closer and closer now because they're conditions. Anyway, I love FlatEye. Keep reading your story. That's it. How many people knew that Griffith shot his wife in the eye? Okay. There's nobody fucking knows. Smallpox knew, look at him. Stand over there. Come on, smallpox. That arm's getting to work out tonight, huh, smallpox? But how the fuck do we have this

name? It should not be named. He fucking shot his wife in the eye. Change the fucking name. What? Of course he gives a tour. Come on, everyone, we're getting on smallpox's bus. Yes. Let's relearn the shit. I bet you are. So I think we should fucking make a stand. Petition to change it? What? We're fucking to start a petition to change the fucking name. Her full name is Mary what? It's a long one. Okay. Well, we'll just go with Mary Mark. It was like Mary Elizabeth, Master Antonio, Dolores, Joyce.

I love her stuff. Yeah. It was like five names. Yeah, it was about five names. Why don't we name it after her? Why isn't it named after her? Like she's the one who took the fucking bullet, so to speak. He's shattering her eye. Can I marry Agnes Christina Mesmer? So you could... Okay, Mesmer Park right there. I think she went by Agnes, but you could just call it Agnes Mesmer Park. Aggie Park. Boom. Come on, Mesmer Park.

Come on, pick area 57, Aggie Park. Let's go. Like there's no fucking way we should have our... I mean, it's a huge part. It's our city's fucking thing. It should not be named after a guy who shot his wife in the eye. Now, if he had missed, totally fine. Well, and, you know, maybe we should just call it Poisoned Lasagna Park. Split the difference. Ostrich Park. There were a lot of ostriches rubbing on that area. What about a little crazy guy from Wales Park?

Penguin Park. That has absolutely changed my relationship with a park that I love. Yep. You're welcome. How often would you say you go to that park, Gareth? When not working, I'd say Steve Berg and I probably had up there about two or three times a week. Sure. And there was one time when Steve Berg took me up there and we saw Coyote and he goes, don't worry, he's more scared of us than we are of him. And then we took another two steps that Coyote didn't move and he stopped me and he goes,

there's something off with this one. I was like, what? A guy who promised it was fine. All right, we got to go because we're late. We appreciate the shit out of everyone coming up. Give it up for Chris Tallman. Damn it, Gary. Smallpox. Tallman. Thank you guys very much. Yes.

Yes. I don't know. That's it. Thank you. I don't know anything. I don't know anything. Don't forget your shirt.