The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 3 - James Adomian: The Past Times

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to Gareth Reynolds and guest James Adomian. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week James Adamian hello James hey Gareth how you doing do you know James that it's very difficult for me because you might have the most quoted line on our podcast that I've done over 500 episodes of yeah you were on one time and you have Mike and die the gristle there are tattoos really one I mean really what you think about it it is and of course I take it on the ego but it is I mean you have arguably the best moment and I mean it was it was it was just a murderous

moment that was a fun thank you so much for joining that was great that was back but that was precode that was before laughter that was during mingle times the mingle days when you could when you can share a joint with a fella and be fine we'll have you back on the dollop also yeah but we're gonna need to oh this isn't the dollop through this I'm out this is basically the dollop no it's no listen just stick around give us a half hour please James James we should say that you are doing stand-up some of it is pending I know that situation so the best way to figure out not only to figure out where your stand

updates are but also to see your hilarious characters and impressions your Instagram which is Jadomian A D O M I A N yeah I have tentative dates they're well they're booked in February in Seattle and Portland and Vancouver and we'll say I'm hoping that they can happen we'll see a fairly liberal ish city so you probably get some you get most facts and masks there right I guess so yeah but I do only anti-vax anti-mask shows I love that about you okay yeah that's good no vax no man I'm gonna start saying I'm gonna say might not to gristle four or five times on this episode and try to own it make it mine James is James is

pro James is pro letter rip he's got a t-shirt on that says COVID letter rip he's got hats that say COVID letter rip he's all about letter rip I gotta herd immunity tattoo it's a cat it's a cow it's like the Borden cheese cow with like sunglasses on it you heard you heard all right well you basically know what we're doing here Dave is going Dave has a fucking weirdo paper from probably the 1800s Dave this one is from 1890 you are correct Wednesday Wednesday March 12th 1890 Middleton New York in the middle in the meantime to do to do to do to do to do as we're panning down at a city while the hustle and bustle and carriages

move amongst them hello I sell canes to men with boulder hats it might have died the gristle see again it's happening it never it never stops this is the Middletown Times Press where is paper in New York a Middletown is about it's about 75 miles sort of northwest is it in the middle city not even in the middle it's it's just a little little ways outside of New York City it's the the city of Middletown makes an appearance in a few jerky boys tracks that I loved from well say I live in Middletown thank you I'll bring my shoes in my glasses so I have them oh I have them all right guys page well we're coming at hot on page

one the headline is another death from malpractice hmm miss Lucy McKinnis a pretty waitress died from the effects of malpractice goddamn we lost another pretty one and not the pretty ones Henry Duggan one of her admirers has disappeared and is being searched for the physician who performed the operation is to be arrested wait a minute that's all that's the whole story that's the whole story that's what I love a lot yeah we really eventually understood that people wanted more than just sort of like the trailer how do you drop in Henry Henry Duggan one of her mires has disappeared and like that's just out of

nowhere what does that have to do with the malpractice well you can see how you can see how journalism it has roots very strongly rooted in just neighborhood gossip oh it's that yeah it's a leg in boy again did they was that the was that the headline across the banner like war we wrote war kind of headline or was that little call a lot of these papers back then don't have that so this one doesn't have that it's just like a there's just a bunch of little stories and no big headline and again I know I've said it before but also not not that's a pretty good front pager because a lot of times

it will just be like pig sick oh yeah well I got this one right here businesses pair businesses paralyzed in Cairo Cairo Illinois about one half of this city is submerged and businesses paralyzed the only means of communication being by boat that's the whole story it is almost out of the same as the head it's almost the same as the headline there's not much I was disappoint I had a wonderful image with the headline that it was somehow gonna be a Egyptian story that had made it to New York yeah I do like no they just had somebody come in on a wagon from Illinois Cairo Illinois the watery city the confluence of the

Mississippi and the Ohio yeah beautiful Cairo it's beautiful Cairo gorgeous Cairo instead of pyramids we have churches and so there was just it was a boat town by the way I can't imagine what people did with a flooded city I'm glad I'll get to find out in my lifetime that's like Venice luckily they have the hard-hitting investigative reporting of that one sentence yeah yeah yeah yeah well that's something to go back to that one line remember the date here is it's March 1890 so this headline says Abraham Lincoln's funeral London when I'm not the historical guy when did when did he get out yeah he died a while in the 625 years

before this okay so they were getting it right which I like I like a quarter century gap go ahead David London March 8th the funeral services over the remains of Abraham Lincoln were conducted by the Reverend Mr. Gibson of Chicago only the members of the American I don't know what that says legation being present the remains were convoyed to the catacombs in Kenzo Green where they will temporarily repose the floor offerings were numerous the coffin being completely hidden by a bank of flowers what so was he here was was he a disinterred and moved what was the Beards deal that's what I thought and

then I looked it up it's a different guy named Abraham Lincoln ah it's his grandson who they named Abraham Lincoln well it worked out good for the first guy yeah so he's the earliest form of clickbait Abraham Lincoln dead again oh god damn it it's an ad double dead Lincoln I didn't even know they reanimated him honey it's they got him again it's like what the history channel does with like did Hitler breed dinosaurs well also it would make sense because we did a dollop episode on it we're like what was that like Lincoln's body was just put it was just moved around basically on tour right yeah I

did a tour of this and then they were like they were like train and and then it was just jumping from mausoleum to mausoleum yeah they had a hole like people are gonna dig up Lincoln things they kept you know burying the shit out of it so it's exciting I think that's the tech I think that's the technical term that historians use burying the shit out of it you're the doctor of the show yeah the doctor and then so his kid his grandson was covered in flowers just because he was was an Abraham Lincoln yeah I mean you know it's a big deal one another some people didn't get the chance to put flowers on the first one

so that's what you boys you just gonna be a this is a ride a passage you're a man now it's like I just saw I saw the John Bonham's son do the concert at the Greek theater and I am too late to see Led Zeppelin but I want to go see you know the Led Zeppelin experience for sure I do yeah he's awesome though right Jason Bonham Jason Bonham yeah yeah you're just like choke on puke choke on puke I love yeah can you imagine growing up as Abraham Lincoln what incredible reputation achievements that is to live up to yeah I mean if it was around me I 'd be like where's your dumb hat and then you people would lean on you for

wisdom and you'd be like a house divided against itself sucks man it's like 30 years ago no no do the score it's a bad house okay so like 80 years ago my dad said something yeah no no like six score and he doesn't he look he's I got pulled up a picture of him he you know he's a he doesn't look anything like Abraham Lincoln it's hard to look like Abraham Lincoln yeah Abraham Lincoln was a tall weirdo no mustache beard weird yeah yeah I hope you look and then you show us the picture and it's just Sean Lennon he looks like well first of all his nickname was Jack sure that works cuz you got it cuz you got to be like why

the fuck did you name Lincoln yeah I'm a pinkerton man what did he do was he a Lincoln re-enactor that would be great I gave you a picture in the chat oh let me see this that's how he's gonna you know he died he died really really young he died when he was 19 yeah that's what I was gonna say it seemed he was he was 21 okay oh he looks no he looks like a normal person for back then yeah he looks tall he doesn't look like a like a weirdo oh yeah he takes after Mary Todd yeah oh he's got Mary Todd stash oh he is a lawyer he's a lawyer he doesn't have any of he just he looks how does the Abraham Lincoln have a hot grandson he has

like a fuckable mustache he doesn't look gaunt I'm sorry wait hold on James did you say a fuckable mustache must this Abraham Lincoln has a fuckable mustache way better that's a better name too he's wearing 18 layers of clothes like they did back then I wouldn't mind seeing him crumpled up at the end of the bed if you're looking for a name for your band you just found it we're playing Irvine Asheville Spectrum Oxford Mississippi Spectrum Spectrum Center flappers who does he oh so we got a he looks like a he looks like a like a any an actor that he looks like a couple of actors from like you are not allowed to

be an actor in the Lincoln family that's one thing yeah oh yeah so he was too young to have known his grandfather yeah oh yeah I'm by the way I don't want to break it down so as I go ahead day dodge the bullet on that one wow all right that's I'm afraid you're on pastime podcast probation James we don't bring it out a lot when we do it's for real that's a secret rule yeah this is an ad the elixir of life there we go fine the elixir of life is a fine white mealy upland potato they are stars at 75 cents per bushel in lots of 10 bushels and up don't fail to put in your winter supply

out of our car what the the pitches we've got potatoes does it have a contact information is there any way to find the potatoes just find the car just find the potato car it just says store at Erie crossing on West Main Street yeah just look for the car that's full of potatoes well if it's it has to be down at the store where else would it be yeah yeah the elixir life potatoes that's it I was gonna say I think of elixirs as being liquid and I don't think of potatoes as being liquid and I do too elixir to me sounds like Vincent Price carries it around in a little bottle around his neck or something yeah and gentlemen the

elixir yeah but they were also all sort of bullshit too so why would you not just put like a little potato in the liquid and be you know you you want the vial angle I feel like you don't you don't want to buy an elixir and then if someone hands you a potato it'd be like wait I this is maybe the bar is very low back then where it's like hey if it's just food that will keep you from starving for a day that's the elixir of life yeah yeah another another headline page one another mystery there we go the body of an unknown man found near Penelope in Pennsylvania so that I haven't heard any new there's been no

news from Middletown it's all over yeah so far there's not a lot going on they went to Cairo Illinois mm-hmm they went to the Abraham Lincoln funeral across time I was in London I was in London and then this is where this is in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania yeah no whole town happening they take it where they can get it it's that classic Middletown deflection yeah that Middletown mentality the body of an unknown man was found early this morning along the tracks of the North Penn Railroad his coat vest and pocketbook lay not far away the body did not look as if death ensued from a railroad accident and the

corners making a thorough investigations papers found on the body indicate that the man was a Philadelphian aged 65 years okay here's the great thing about this story is that it is headlined another mystery another mystery like not only would that not even make the news today in Philadelphia or anywhere else like they would the coroner might not even do an autopsy he would be like yeah some guy some guy died down by the railroad track again especially if you're 65 like I feel like 65 today you'd be like yeah well it's old age I mean it's not that old but you wouldn't be like at 65 then is like a

90-year-old oh yeah you're an old yeah you're an angel 90-year-old man dead you'd be like that's front page news how did it happen someone should have given him that potato elixir of life is the elixir of life where is it adjacent is to the where is it relative to the mystery death story is it boy how's the juxtaposition oh they're not they're not close to each other they're a little bit of a little bit apart on the page polls polls if you wish think of it that way yeah yeah Johnson you put another dead guy story next to my potato elixir another goddamn dead dog dedication another another goddamn Pennsylvania second six sixty

five-year-old death story next to my elixir of life how am I supposed to go into a mystery about a mystery about a man dying when you have that next to the elixir story Dave do you know what that's from you look baffled all right yeah what's that from that's Casey case it's the outtakes oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah god damn damn dog dedication dog dog dying a drunken doctor's terrible crime whoa doctor and this is in Nebraska it's a good local slice but these are really upset everywhere else and where is this one now this is this paper is in in Middletown this is now a story from

Nebraska more field Nebraska is where the story's on yeah dr. CD Blair is under arrest charged with manslaughter for horribly mutilating a woman named miss quicker whom he was called to attend during confinement he was intoxicated and used a common pocket knife oh my god he cut off one of the child's arms and cut the woman so badly she died on the third day after the operation it was childbirth in I think it was childbirth and he cut off an arm yeah that's a really bad doctor is that the umbilical thing worst doctor ever okay I made a hole time to smoke cigars and it's a baby arm

and let's celebrate the birth of your daughter with one of these cigars oh boy oh my god oh my god it's hard to imagine him not visibly hiccuping in this scene okay is that bouncing up and down with each hiccup pep talking himself you can do it just don't let him know he has the stethoscope but he's listening to the chair and how long you had two extra legs people are intensely excited and the doctor is under strong guard to prevent lynching wow make sense they want to kill the doctor oh that's Nebraska for you he

did he did really bad doctoring I mean I would say it's it's close to it's close to some of the medical care that's received nowadays also I was he was it like 10 p.m. 11 p.m. and he was pulled from like a great question billiard room or was he drunk at like surgery time like at 9 a.m. right this is a fair question if it's party time that it's on them if it's daytime then it's on him that's right you shouldn't have come you shouldn't have called me during party time I said I said when I made it when I've said you could be my patient that I was like okay it's not party time is not the time for babies your editor your

writer is the sword oath of the Methodist of the Bible I have a physician there's on my honor I took of the hippie in the hippie the hippopotamus oh oh boy oh my god yeah I just remember saying he had to be quick can we house have a player piano going while this man testifies he just kept saying he had to hurry up it's Jeremy Jeremy only turns 24 once here's another oh this is from this looks like it's from this is a local story whoa got local paper unable to cover town this is this is the headline got 50 tons of ice anyhow it's a little weird it's like it's like they're talking to someone that's not

there it's a complaint it sounds like a complaint from some guy on a river well 50 tons of ice anyhow overheard on a river Dr. David Miller was fortunate enough to secure at least 50 tons of ice this winter he has filled his ice house with it and it is of good quality it will be used for his milk dairy many a butcher in this city would like to have some of that ice but mr. Miller is not anxious to part with it being well satisfied and having secured enough for his own use in this ice scare season I can see him thumping his chair he has a barrel chest and he's padding the sides of his ribs ice gentleman comes

seasonally if the temperature is not sufficiently cold I should imagine the price it is accelerated substantially for those of us who happen to be fortunate enough to hold it yes yes I mean the an ice baron it will we will return to ice barons one day this is ice baron stuff I'm not looking apart with this ice gentlemen gentlemen of a pound of frost and hand is worth is worth an entire rink worth of skating ice I just like that they printed a story just so they could tell other people they couldn't have the ice this guy's got a bunch of ice well it's it seems like it seems like it's kind of

probably written at the behest of the ice baron dr. Miller was it oh yeah and he's probably like yeah say I have a large amount of this ice that is coming to my possession no need to know how but I was wondering if you know how he got the ice no I think they just cut it from the from the river that's usually here's here's how genius I'm sure almost every year he had the most ice because he had the most he had probably like a curve in the river in his backyard or whatever yeah the Middletown Creek curved a couple of times so he was like I sent my 12 boys out to harvest the ice only lost one this year well it's

just nice to hear a doctor doing good finally as opposed to cutting off baby arms that's right this is another out of town story Providence Rhode Island a bank to disconnect discontinue business the stockholders of Union Bank by a vote of 3,588 to 515 decided to wind up affairs of the bank this is also the bank from which teller Charles pitcher stole all the cash in June 1880 out so there so it took them a year and a half to go what gentlemen gentlemen I proposed that we dissolve this corporation yeah the optimism that we will rebuild he will not root a bank doesn't need money to survive is my

contention Jimmy we've been in business for a year and a half now and I it just keeps becoming pretty apparent that we actually do need money you know a lot of these assholes keep coming in for withdrawals this is the other way teller took the money this is the other way it's a wonderful life could have ended it's I am at it's the same kind of scene except it's like instead of the whole community coming in and like bringing money they're like I also vote to shut the damn thing down it was a fool's idea to begin with and you made us all poor fired four shots at his wife there we go George George Ward a

spinner fired four shots at his wife missing her every time and then shot himself in the abdomen but not seriously wow he really missed at the end he's really bad so wait he shot at his wife four times and missed all four yeah yeah but like I can't I can't take how bad I am I'm ending it go miss the head so here's the thing if you're doing a murder suicide and you have failed at the murder part you don't need to follow through with the suicide part but if you are gonna do it get it right yeah you know where's the place you can shoot yourself to bleed out the slowest I mean it's like he's like I wanted my brain to

be studied for how to not be accurate also if you're so often the abdomen not seriously back then that's like you'll be dead in two weeks yeah right the doctor just comes over and cuts his arm off 104 cents here's the status of medical science if you're wounded on any limb you'll survive without the limb if you're wounded anywhere on your body from your head to your entire torso you're immediately dead it's a death sentence okay gentlemen I took out his eyes an owl here it is sir one owl for the doctor his wife left him five weeks ago and has been staying at a farm house near town Ward went to see the house and

after some words the shooting occurred I don't think you went to see the house oh he's under check out that house make sure want to make sure she's safe and that big house of hers on the farm take the revolver just in case in case they need to shoot a wall down or something make it a little bit more of an open area get a billiard room on page three we got another shot shot shot himself to the head is the headline that's how you do it Wilkes bear works by pencil day did it jay god the names are the names are so good J. B. pot bone J. B. pot bone a J. B. pot bone a well-known a well-known citizen here aged 32 years

committed suicide by shooting himself in the head he just returned home from a business trip to Pittsburgh no cause is assigned for his self-murder I mean there's a good writer instinct there which is not to repeat a word there are not enough terms for the word suicide but that would be like calling masturbation hand-jobbing myself well um well that's a Wilkes bar guy again I guess Wilkes bar starts to be within what a two-days ride of Middletown by horse yeah that's right one day by railroad clothes by horse um here's here's a whole section of local stuff it's correspondence you're on page

three the local news of this town on page three almost done and and maybe you'll see why they don't actually cover stuff in Middletown Dr. Nelson recently purchased a Benton spring carriage of Robert's fuck crazy why I have it here a Benton spring carriage yes you the the rocks and crannies are fairly felt at all with a with a spring carriage of such finery miss P. Holbert is gaining slowly that's the whole P. Holbert P. Holbert is gaining slowly gaining what slowly wait we don't know momentum speed everybody knows though because friends Middletown oh they all know what she's gaining oh this is in the the wick wick

column missus she's still putting on weight well she was found after four weeks with no food at all and they've been trying to we they've been trying to slowly supper her back to health missus tobert we're making miss P. Holpatek we it got better Tom F. O. Brian saw a flock of ten wild geese flying over the Terry Graham farm February 27th going north this journal this this is just now people that have run into a bar yelling something what are your first two initials and last name I think that you should get a publicist because you're about to blow up you're not gonna be able to walk down the streets of Middletown

after this gets out a flock of geese headed north of all things and it was five they're like five won't grab them we'll do ten the the journalist room at the paper must have been amazing for what what was passed on for the local news shoelace broken I've got it I've got it maybe that's like a good like a groundhog a poxatani field type thing where it's in March and they're like the geese are already flying north that means it's a mile that means it's going to be an early spring it's an early geese year the tulbert boy saw it I don't believe there's ten geese in the world let alone here I a man who a man who

would have sold insult a goose in his Gosling is not a man that I care to share a table with here here D.A. Robertson intends to leave off making butter and we'll sell milk he will be a new beginner at that wow what a I mean what a boring town what do you mean boring town there's tons of ice there's milk without butter somehow butter to be discarded milk to be drunken sold and there's geese flying overhead north early over over nine geese did you hear he's making the big switch he's going from butter to milk oh this is sad it ends with mrs. Morrison is quite seriously sick with

pneumonia we can be sure she didn't make it all mrs. Morrison or she's quite seriously ill well that terrible shame it's so this is this is just the newspaper is just for it's like there's probably like four different churches in town so this is just for whatever people are gossiping about in each individual church they needed in print other churches know about it a hundred percent what that's yes it's like a school paper yeah like this is another local story headline slipped and broke two ribs yes you guys can probably already guess what happens but mrs. Emmett Smith who resides or mr. Emmett Smith I was

gonna say that's the one who resides near the reservoir while at work in a barn on his place slipped and fell breaking and splitting one rib and fracturing another close to the spinal column it will probably lay mr. Smith up for several months I mean he's probably he's slipping on that I don't know is he allowed to use ice he might is he in the ice barrens barn now we're starting we're starting to see how he may have acquired there's a mystery here the the the ice barren with his tons of ice maybe he was pushing this other guy around yeah you go get more ice you hear now I'm just more I need my need enough ice

to take it down a manhattan you fool that's the other thing ice up very I mean at that time a hard thing to sell right it's I mean they were trying to pump it up they were melting capital it's worthless in a month you said this was ice I swear to God it was when I left it it depreciates in value pretty quick yeah right when you say when you try it off the lot it's already and he's sweat well the ice barren still trying to talk up this the he's like hey now he's sweating and he's still a large concern consignment of ice in my position others have tried to harvest it and had some terrible terrible

accidents perhaps I could be willing to part for some of it at a reasonable price oh shit sweating on his ice as it melts Charles Edsel son of J.S. Edsel of this village has secured a position as teller in the national bank Orange County and will enter upon his duties next week he has lately been in the grocery business in Rutherford Park his wife is a sister of Charles Jackson late postmaster wait this is there's a lot going on in this one this is a whole I feel like this story is the equivalent of somebody unrolling a bunch of credentials that fall down to the ground yeah that's right yeah there's not much

to the story so this writer was like what if I just explain who all the relatives are so and essentially a man just became a teller at a bank yeah a man got a job as a teller at a bank and they just fluffed up the story quite a bit like it's good but it's not great I mean they're just all yeah I mean the local stories of Peter Kramer jeweler is confined to the house with illness so they're good so the people's fortune split one of two ways either you're sitting on a you're sitting on easy street with ice and milk or if there's a terrible illness and everyone needs to know about it he couldn't kill his wife

so he almost killed himself well no sympathy needed there mr. Charles Sweezy of Middletown was in town on Monday repairing a church organ and doing other work mm-hmm mr. and mrs. Rockefeller of Middletown spent Saturday and Sunday in town are those separate stories because together they're nothing but apart they're less together I don't know why they're together as that's not an a-to-b that's potentially just two a's can you imagine can you imagine it when you're like oh you know what I think I got a zip over to Culver City today that that makes the news in Culver City James Adomian heads to Culver

City spends the day he tinkered I he tinkered on a box while he was there he sat down on a rock this is huge well oh hello mrs. mrs. it's a Monday would you mind spending the day with me in town I'd be delighted Frank lady fans herself if you come with me to town I'm sure we'll make the papers man throws rock Jimmy Winx testicle injured here's one clan clairvoyant examination free here we go well I mean I wouldn't go to a fucking doctor in this time I mean going to like any clear I mean you're talking about a potato elixir baby well the doctor the doctors come drunken cut your baby up so it's not a good so yeah anybody who

doesn't cut you open might actually be safer yeah it really is at that point where it's like it I think that about like dentistry in England it's like maybe it's just as good to not go by by dr. EF a Butterfield at the Madison House middle-town Butterfield dr. EF dr. EF Butterfield in initiates in the mysteries of the east used to be Butterfingers but I changed it people were hesitant are you prepared are you prepared to see beyond the veil with dr. Butterfield on Tuesday March 18th until 5 p.m. the doctor will give anyone suffering from any disease no matter no matter how long-standing a clear pointed

and correct diagnosis of their condition without asking any questions or having any previous knowledge of the case that's dain that's what we call medically dangerous that's also you have a heart here's another thing here's another thing this if he if if dr. Butterfield if the main point of it was actually to heal people what's the problem with them giving you a little bit of information about what's wrong it would help to describe some of the symptoms to the but it's not a it's not a hook the thing that you're missing is it's not a hook but that's not the real reason the real reason is that people go

oh he wasn't even told anything about it he's truly a clairvoyant he doesn't want to heal he wants to prove stop yeah stop talking it's about him it's all about him stop you have a tumor right near your heart my my foot hurts that would explain my my broken I have a broken foot it arises information it arises in the heart yes you see it's all intertwined the body to point out the causes of disease and prescribe remedies appropriate to a cure so he's not gonna take any questions what is it's great I mean I would I would love to go to a doctor now and you just sit there and let them like kind of you know kind of

pitch what they think in it now warmer warm it's kind of like that it is related to the but yeah I definitely see a scene with a bunch of like poor people lined up in like dirty dress clothes in Middletown yeah and what was his last name Butterfield dr. Butterfield Butterfield is sitting on a wooden like a stage of crates and he's leaning on a cane and he goes next and then some some poor girl comes up and he just looks and he cranes around and he goes drop see five gallons of milk next sorry doctor what was the what do I have I'm with it girl I would love to know

how to okay thank you so much he's amazing he's amazing he's the best doctor I've seen since my mother was killed at childbirth by having my sister's arm removed doctor please please doctor tell me what I should do there's a pallor to the skin I have to declare it hmm it's an overabundance of nutrients starve myself stop yourself for at least three months on with it thank you next thank you thank you oh he's well he's wonderful he's so good he might have a intense rivalry with the potato guy or he might be the potato elixir guy you know my roots are in potato elixirs but my root is potato once again I have to

suggest that you eat potatoes you just got a giant pile of potatoes there you go maybe $50 have a potato perhaps there's a glut of ice in your system I recommend a remedy potato mash this some have called it the elixir of life I think that was you doctor what I just and he's literally long enough ago that he would actually have a cape and be like this picture me in such a way leave the clairvoyant doctor so this goes on we especially ask those to call who are given up by other physicians as incurable as there is still hope of cure if the true cause of the disease is reached oh the final sentence is he cures every

case of piles oh fuck there are so many times when I don't want to live in the 1800s and like it's that condenses it very perfectly medical science I love he's there he's like a one of these guys who's like the the reigning so-called wisdom of medical sciences has looked over the true cause of piles and I alone Dr. Butterfield have discovered it the right true treatment of any case of piles be it man woman or beast is to cover the wounded area in salt Peter and gunpowder slather in a small layer of honey and leave the person alone for three weeks I wonder how many people were leaving there with piles diagnoses I

got piles to I have piles three weeks of potatoes man you're lucky you'll live two weeks of potatoes I'm on a month my piles are bad he's the best if you are working if you are suggesting that only like the terminally ill come to you it's is going to be difficult to get complaints as well it's kind of a shrewd business model yeah where you know most people are probably not going to come back in three weeks to be like that wasn't what it was they're just going to die by that time we might be as far as Wilkes bar or even Cairo we might be in Cairo Illinois by then so this headline is a word about carpets well they've

already overstated it is a positive fact the price of carpets is lower in Middletown than any other place in the country we're going to Middletown to get them we all go to get carpets there it is also equally is true that there is not another city on the face of the earth where carpet dealers do not charge for the waste in cutting they have to they have to waste some of it when they cut it and into the into the shape of a carpet here's my question do are they saying that they also in Middletown don't charge for the wasted cuttings or they're saying if you're asking why we charge for it then there's no place on

earth where they wouldn't oh that's a good question I felt like they were bragging that they don't charge for that I think they might even I think they might be lowering the bar for themselves I'm going in and if you're complaining about the cutting fee I know no place on earth would ever sell you a carpet without charging for the cut every man must pay the price of his drippings the consequences of all this is that a job lots goods from auctions odds and ends in fact anything that could be bought a little off price has been placed on the Middletown market we don't pretend to compete with this

class of goods we don't make and lay carpets for nothing as we pay our workmen every Saturday night is that a quote is that in quotes that's no that's that's what they said that just in the story is the story is the story I don't think I don't think it's a story I'm thinking this is an ad this is a story Dave our new spring stock is now ready all the new spring stock of carpet oh you're gonna love what we harvest at this winter we got some great spring carpet oh it's time to get rid of the winter carpets new patterns and very handsome the best we've ever shown that's a handsome handsome cut a carpet

right there I'll tell you we have me leave me alone with the carpet shut the door oh I'm gonna cut it myself I'll be we miss missus shut me away for a few hours I'll be a him if finishing the carpet I'll be installing if you never mind just shut the goddamn door I want to be alone with the rug yes yes fine carpet free-cutting either way oh well mr. carpet that is a very fuckable mustache I love the new spring look you've seen the mustache carpets we this is one of crucial therapy that mr. dr. Butterfield shall use for treating his piles patients you have piles go home and bang your carpet

hurry boy rub yourself rub the inflamed joints on the carpet it's tender and handsome we have made a special effort to tone up the carpet trade in our city this season call and see it we have not got call and see if we have not got the goods that will do it it is a pleasure to show the goods wow this really is a fuckable carpet that is never say who they are if you don't need that information you know you know you feel fine you'll smell that carpet it's down at the market look it's in the market you're either there's a there's a creek backed up with ice and then trunk of potato a potato car and then there's a

bunch of like churches and farms there's like downtown and you're gonna see the carpet you will if you're seeing the newspaper you probably can look up and see the carpet look to your right probably it's there oh this is a this is a story at a Bismarck North North Dakota look hold pulled the attorney general's nose representative Walsh yesterday pulled attorney general Goodwin's nose in one of the corridors of the Capitol for having mentioned for having mentioned his name in connection with the recent lottery scandal I a bit of scottlebot from the Dakota what I do if someone pulled my nose it's one of those moves

where you would be like it was it would disarm you on a level where they would have enough time to get away with it because I would still be like what was that yeah you'd be totally shocked there you go a squeezy a hooker that ought to teach you right back at you Goodwin a man's cheeky enough he'll lose his nose good when good one made an effort to retaliate there are reports that a duel will grow out of the affair a nose duel I'm each in the town square first one to yank off the other guy schnaz wins but it is not generally believed that the attorney general though not lacking courage will attempt to get

even according to the code what a time when you could pull an attorney general's nose and there would be no retaliation also if you're grabbing how why is it so hard to retaliate if you're grabbing someone's nose you're easily within not only punching range but like yeah if you have a walking stick you could shove someone he's right up at you pulling your nose you go into the mind palace of overwhelmed of what to actually do where I mean your nose was pulled it's and you could also it's also cute it's uncle it's like uncle assault look what I got I'll see you later all the time imagine if I just went up to Merrick Garland and

yanked his nose hey fuck yeah that's like it's like it's like he put him in a headlock and rubbed his head with vigor I sentence him to four years of nuggies so this is some international news the czar the czar threatened by women st. Petersburg I always remember hearing this women torturing the czar's I that's sort of what I always remember during the past four days the czar has received many dozens of letters all of which have come from women these communication contains threats of death for flogging exiles in Siberia wow that's dark well that takes a while it takes a while but they do they do get

them you can see the think tanks even back then we're planting Russia in the local stories it was very important that's so bizarre oh news of the day Henry by the way amazing to put news of the day at the end of your four page paper it is on page four here's the headline there's other new there I don't know nothing about 1890 there was shit going on back then what is that oh yeah so that like Grover Cleveland is president or something no no he's cut it's it's still the guy before him what Harrison Hayes those guys I'm your guy there's like Hawaii is a scandal or controversy at the time there's there's

there's shit going on in the world they haven't talked about yeah but I don't know if you've seen these spring carpets these are really you can take Hawaii all you want an attorney general's nose was honked yeah also young JC Jenkins son is now a teller at the bank it's pretty big and another bank closed so lots of shit happened I became a journalist in Middletown because I wanted to be a witness to history I'll tell you I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to cap this wagon wheel saga news of the day Henry Stanley has finished the last pages of his forthcoming book wow I mean that is some PR like that's that's

planted I I would I would not I almost thought that the story was someone finished reading a book oh that would be they should put a man finished novel there should be a story at the end of the newspaper that's like and local reader has finished reading this paper of note what what the fuck that's very meta is me man finished whole paper okay well we're gonna we're gonna close on this it's a little longer story out of New Jersey by the way if you're saying it's a little page for page four and a little longer in this paper is like four sentences oh yeah this is a this is a doozy this is three paragraphs and this

is also news that's been buried on page no one ever goes to this page and this was a Wednesday paper yeah yeah I hope they didn't bother to publish this daily they think they could comfortably pull this back to a weekly they people need to know about potato elixirs I think this is a bi-weekly paper okay that's fine perfect it's also crazy that that's all they were able to come up with oh wait a minute and you can pull it back to just an annual thing where it's like a when you send out a letter a family newsletter is what this should be this could easily be a Christmas card yeah so it's a Facebook post are you ready for the

headline sure wind like a dog new Brunswick New Jersey a most distressing death from hydrophobia occurred at Doon, Ellen hydrophobia okay well I I've read a lot about hydrophobia in these papers miss Sarah miss Sarah Pope mother of Elias Pope recently confirmed by the Senate as postmaster of Plainfield was the boy I cannot read that word sometimes they're blurry victim must be victim she was bitten by a pet dog in December last and the wound was catarized at the time cauterized at the time and after good to just leave that open and then just seal it that's the what you're supposed to do yeah and afterward it

healed so you know she got bit by a dog in December they cauterized it which is what you do with the dog mm-hmm the dog yeah yeah caught make sure there's some hair in there for for safety and then it healed make sure that it hurts yeah if you've been bit by a dog we should just make you feel a lot of pain you know the only way to close that dog wound is to use a dog's mouth to sort of cinch it shut so I recommend three dog stitches not every case is as easy as piles there's almost incurable illnesses like dog bites you see all we know to do is scar a person I believe it's somehow pile related even though you're pushing

back I know a dog bit you this is still piles she has there's clearly like a horseshoe ring of teeth marks in her arm and she's like it piles hurts our piles next piles piles potatoes get out piles potatoes and carpet rubs lay with some spring carpet you'll be fine how do you think how do you think they became they came to be called piles I mean the names of those disease yeah piles drop see like what I piles is just like Fort was there 14-year-old people naming these things yeah but piles is like out of control hemorrhoids where they're like yeah yeah piled up on your asshole I did not they piled up on top of you I

did not know that's what we were talking about what did you think it was I mean I thought it was like some sort of like I thought it was like a skin thing but I didn't realize hemorrhoids fuck shoot me in the stomach oh you want me to shoot you in the stomach that's not I don't want to I'm saying I don't want to live my life with what in this era would be defied yeah you've got in control hemorrhoids this was the this was a very advanced time where that out of this came out of this came cars and airplanes and radios and stuff they're about to they're in the middle of a bunch of breakthroughs they have like elite like

high functioning telegraph machines all over the world they have what yeah undersea undersea telegraph cables and stuff and cities they have steel ships all around the world fast steel ships this is this is the and yet and a woman getting bitten by a dog is whoa well she's dead well that's a death sentence kiss her goodbye she ain't coming back from that and if she does she'll be part dog lady so Mrs. Pope who was 78 years old suddenly can see wow that should be in the paper in its own right that she was 78 yeah it's a big one that's a big one she suddenly conceived the idea that she would die of rabies she was

prostrated with nervousness and exhibited all the symptoms of hydrophobia barking and frothing at the mouth oh so it's rabies yeah I think it is reasons Mrs. Mrs. Miss Sarah Pope Mrs. poor Mrs. Pope poor Mrs. Pope dot bought by a bit by a dog death by bite Dr. Plain Dr. Payne of Plain I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry the name is Dr. Payne in this era that is quite a title in this era I'm really not good at this yeah cauterize the woman entirely I have a mild cold cauterize I don't like that I don't like that she keeps saying it's a dog bite also cauterize that mouth when

you get around to it now this is um this is going to hurt Dr. Payne and Butterfield hate each other oh Butterfield let me guess he said it was piles now bend over I'm gonna put a scalpel in your ass Dr. Payne cauterizing everything he comes into contact with it's not how you deal with piles pain he ought he ought to have his surgeons fingers cauterized if you ask me Dr. Payne and Dr. Gaston were called in their diagnosis their diagnosis encouraged encouraged the belief that it was a case of emotional hydrophobia brought on by the terror of the real malady so they think it's

psychological they're like what you're out of your fucking mind she has what we call her rabies of the soul she is it's a mental rabies these cases of rabies from France all around the world in locations that are impossible to verify you know I don't even think there was a dog to begin with this is pure psychosomatic rabies folks it's a pure Psyop it's funny that none of this rises none of this right this news is like important or enough to have conspiracy theories developed about it yeah but it is so true that the official story is that it was rabies hydrophobia let me tell you folks you can absolutely that's you

can totally see that's why we're selling a home cauterizing kit right now info wars get your own home cauterizing stuff this is the shit I use this every time I work out we ice it's the ice barons the ice barons are actually making winter take longer we're seeing the geese flying overhead there's a potato you gonna need to get your a stock up on potato elixir now guys this is not gonna be the kind of thing you want to try to impulse buy in six months okay load up now a little extra I'm more virile than I've ever been I've never fucked so much carpet we will never submit to paying for carpet cuttings that are part of

the process I'm making a carpet we will never submit to that tyranny you oh my god you Wilkes you Wilkes Barlett you you Wilkes Barliss scum you need to get some of these submit to your Wilkes Bar conspiracy Butterfield potato elixir this is the only stuff that I'm using now it is I mean it really is just like that it you could hear Alex Jones read this paper and if you just edit it a little bit you'd buy it the pet dog was killed fuck finally finally some justice yeah I didn't know they bit and the old lady grew worse now although I don't know what this word is it's so blurry although

enteebled by age he bit me and I was mine to take that's for the sheriff's side all I can think of is a the wicked witch in Wizard of Oz who gets bit by Toto she suddenly became possessed of almost superhuman strength and it required required several persons to restrain her while afflicted with spasms of fear nothing could my girl dog by girl she's seven your wife is no longer with us she is a dog woman here rubber rib does her leg move she's too far gone nothing would remove from her mind the impression that hydrophobia would result from the bite and while in one of her hysterical periods she gave forth the

sound similar to the whining of a dog and shortly afterwards expired they are really knocking on the door of accusing her of becoming a dog yeah no they're saying she's inside inside dog yeah she's got dog strength she's squealing like like we believe that before she passed it was it's like it's like a zombie bite it's like when you're just like look kill me quick I'm about to turn dog hurry I want to see those I want to see those two doctors after after they failed and it turns out that she obviously didn't have rabies and just died let's retire could I take you out Dr. Dr. Gaston for a glass of ice to go

over our recent medical victories I suppose I mean I think it's safe to say we both might have missed a mark back there a little bit there could be a third category of illness if we think about it and yet we learned something to advance science further doctor that's what I like about today today was a big step for medical medical's a big step backward for the woman bitten the dog step forward for science in general a poor little ice out for her obviously she's no longer with us she's throwing that pile with that other dog they're both dogs now the ice Baron comes along and he's like yeah yeah two glasses of ice

that would be ten dollars a piece what's a year's what's a year's wage for a doctor yes yes the ice may freeze but the price I'm afraid to snot the price I don't get your ice out of here this is potato job you know the bad news is we believe the dog was turning into the 78-year-old woman before we shot it it's the classic vice versa body switch we freaky Friday well that was that was the the middle middle town well what a what a what a popping town to have three things happening in the middle town Times Press of Middletown New York March 1890 I mean I'm I'm sitting here

mocking them going well mr. and mrs. went into town and it's like well what the fuck is all the stuff about Brad Pitt and Angelina all those years no right yeah like Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson I mean you could argue that this is a more in ways more informative than going on Twitter yeah oh I would love royal royal royal baking powder absolutely pure oh god the ads are just the craziest do you have a source for these claims yeah so that it just it looks like it doesn't look like anything a front page would look like today it's just up amazing have read the law old dogs young dogs big dogs and little

dogs fit into collars William Mills bow and sons fuck it really I mean it's a lot like how it would be it's a lot like pop-up ads essentially I mean they're all over the place yeah yeah it's like pop-up ads that are just printed out yeah they're just there you can't close the window you just gotta go like all right there's a dog collar ad you know people didn't have any other way to find out who did what so the paper just had all the shit in town on the front page but all over there was eventually someone who was like what if we do news in one area and we make it interesting up top to grab them and then it'll be diminishing

as we further into the paper yeah are you talking about like an order that's a crazy call that's nuts separate it sort of categorize okay sure this was the Saturday evening paper this is this is a weekend's entertainment had to get this out the door quick it costs $6 a year or 50 cents a month wow fuck it's still not worth it it says daily volume that means this is a daily paper oh it is well that that helps I feel like that's better because that shows you that they really are just like every day they're like we got to find something what do we got lady bit by dog boom ready their boy a doctor I don't need a standard lady

bit by dog story if it's gonna bite she needs to foam at the mouth how am I gonna go how am I supposed to go from an elixir into a lady dying from a goddamn dog bite yeah so in in the in the archive I use they only have it every four days so but it must be a daily that if it says it well I they certainly could have pulled back I think it's so good that's delicious James thank you so much for joining us for the past times podcast like we said Jay Adomian for shows and for I mean really you're as you can tell from listening to this your impressions and your characters are fucking phenomenal so that's a great

place to go and watch that stuff yeah Jay Adomian on Instagram there's a variety of things I do from cartoons to live appearances and other things and you know Jimmy Kimmel appearances and oh man your circus I mean again there's so much but my James was Mike Lindell on Kimmel and it I mean you were on Kimmel as Mike Lindell with Mike Lindell so good yeah it was I was that was that was weird because I thought he was gonna be like difficult or hostile yeah but he was just he was just he did the thing where he was just like well boy oh gosh I'm just so I'm just bashful to be on TV wow as you're ripping pillows in front

of it yes I was making him look terrible and he was just like wow we wow what a what a treat is to be on the TV Hollywood Boulevard look at it me well thank you again James we appreciate it so much thank you Gareth thank you Dave thank you not the dollop yeah right never heard of it never nothing like that now it's completely different this is totally separate obviously actually we might sue ourselves is what we're talking about I'm gonna sue Dave's ass sue you sue everybody