The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 301 - Te Pahi and The Boyd

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds head to Auckland, New Zealand, where they are joined by Tickled director David Ferrier and comedian Guy Williams to discuss Te Pahi and The Boyd.SOURCESTOUR DATESREDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Hi, Gareth. Hey, Dave. How are you? Good. I can let's talk about you. Are you good?

Yeah, I'm very good. Thank you for asking. You're not gonna ask me how I'm doing. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. This is awkward. Strong. Strong. Strong. Strong champ. Strong work, guys. We'll wait for these people to sit down. Jesus Christ. I'm just kidding. Hi, everybody. What a great country. We saw the highway from the airport to here and then we saw, I saw there's a Denny's. Congratulations. And there's a Starbucks, McDonald's, you got all this stuff. And then I walked down a little ways and I was like, this is a city. And then and so I feel like I've seen New Zealand. Yeah,

I've just been in the casino, but wow. What a casino. Great casino, you guys. Congratulations on that. That's huge. And a Denny's. So things are popping. Yeah, things are popping. A lot of you asked us to come here and we did it. Look at how much, how fast these two guys are eating. Yeah, this is crazy. Are you having a competition to finish that bag of food? So I was gonna, I was gonna mention something. So we were in back and I started drinking a beer and I was like, I was weird my, I feel a little, I haven't eaten today. Oh, Jesus. I forgot to fucking eat. Oh, David. I got, we got up at five, 15. Yep. Got on a plane, I slept,

I missed the meal, got off the plane and then I was like, I'll walk around. I had a tea. You didn't go to Denny's? They have a Denny's. I only go there on my birthday. It's true. It's a good day for the B day. Oh, fuck. Oh, David, David, relax. Look at that food. Thank you. It's so nice. Well, Dave, you're gonna have to separate the eggs. So this is another thing I was gonna talk about. You guys have weird bags. Oh my god. What kind of bag is this? This is like two regular bags, fucked. What is with? Thank you very much. Well, Dave, you have dinner. It's candy. And worst case, you can eat this eight foot tall bag. Thank you for bringing that. I've never

even seen a bag that size. Without question, the craziest bag I've ever seen. It's just a brown bag. It doesn't make any sense. What is it for? Imagine if I told you I could pick up a brown paper bag from here. You'd be like, you're crazy. But I'm not crazy, guys. That's why I invented crazy bags. Crazy bags. Like two regular bags had a crazy fuck bag. Is your food taller? Okay, so at some point I might pass out. I think that's the point I was making. Anything else? I mean, we usually like to talk about the country, but we literally flew to one of the most beautiful places on earth, and then we're leaving before we can see

anything. Well, we got to get back to LA. Gotta go see that beautiful area again. You know, when it rains on the smog clears for an hour and a half. Everyone's like, wow, there's a sky. What are the odds? Should we... Let's do this first and then we'll do the... You're listening to the dollop! This is a bi-weekly American History podcast that we do once a week. And each week I, photo taker, dog owner... Do you only have two now? Yeah. You've literally run out of all the boring things. Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to a guy. Named Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going

to be about. But we can't fight this battle alone tonight, David. No, we can't. We've employed the talents of two other gentlemen. Guy Williams and David Ferrier. Take a beer if you want to. David tickled it. You're running for Prime Minister? No, I'm a David Ferrier impersonator. Okay. We look very similar and often people ask me before my gigs, like, good luck with the movie and stuff like that. And I say, thanks. I just don't... Just take it. Just take it on board. And you guys, your second episode was tickled. Yeah, was

about tickled. And everyone thinks that I stole... You did. The movie idea of you guys. No, that's not true. You stole it off me and Dylan. That's amazing. Yeah, truly. It's lovely to be here. Love the podcast. Unknown date, late 1700s. Late 1700s? Yeah. Good, I just wanted to get the arrow right. We're gonna see how this goes, but there's gonna be a lot of fuck-ups. I apologize in advance. I already noticed that instead of chief, it already says chill. Better position. I'm the chill of police. Tapahi. Nothing. No? Tapahi? No, nothing. That wasn't... You're looking to us. No, we brought the

widest guys in the world on. That's true. Oh my goodness. I'm just sitting here panicking right now, basically. Was a Maori senior chief of the Northwestern Bay of Islands. Is that near here? What? What just happened? Maori. Maori, isn't that what I said? What did I say? Maori. Am I not saying it right? It might be because I'm from another country and I can't... Okay, so what's the exact... Am I saying it Maori is not right? Maori. Maori. Am I rolling an R a little bit? Is that the deal? Yeah, a little bit of rolling R. But if we're getting... Hang up on this, it's gonna be a long podcast. It's literally the first word. Yeah. Well, we don't

roll R's in America, so they do it in Mexico with the Spanish language, but it's very hard for us to start to roll our R's. You're doing very well. You're trying. You're trying and I just really... All right, Maori. Is that better? Maori. Yeah, it's good. All right. Really good. A little too good. I mean, I feel like... I feel like the last thing I should do is come here and offend the native people. Yes. So let's try not to... Well, it's nice that that's finally the policy. Could have used that in the late 1700s. Now, his principal paw? Yep. Fuck yeah, nailed it. It's two... It's literally two letters. This principal paw was on a small island

called Tipuna. Yep, fucking killing it. He usually lived at a nearby inlet, but kept his weapons store on Tipuna. He had several wives, one of whom he put to death for her venomous tongue. Jesus. Don't fucking... This is a serious don't talk back time. Right. Okay. Late 1700s. Sure. He had at least four sons and three or more daughters. It's pretty vague. Yeah, very vague. Yep. Hard to keep track. He had 30 sons and 19 daughters. Yeah. One daughter he kept confined in a small storehouse for several years because she was a high-born woman reserved for an important marriage alliance. So she just had to stay in a... She has to stay where

you keep the jams and wine because she's someday going to be a great bride. Yeah. Okay. Because if she gets out, you know what's gonna happen. God forbid. She could live. I mean, well... They run off and then, you know, they're out there with their vagina. I wonder what makes them want to run away. Nothing about being locked in a storage cellar. We should bring this back. No, I don't think so. So another daughter married a European who left her in Sydney. So he married her and then he brought over and he's like, fuck this shit. And they just dumped her in Sydney. Okay. In 1805, Tipahi and four of his sons took a small colonial ship to

Australia. This always fucking amazes me because after, you know, now that we can look back, clearly a bad idea to hang out with white people. But it always amazes me when native people go on trips. They're like, yeah, I'll get on your boat. This seems like it'll be fine. Yeah. So it always starts too. And the next thing you know, he's like, we don't have anything. They took all of our science and tools. God damn these people. It seemed like a great idea at the time. They went to meet Philip King, lieutenant governor of Norfolk Island, and King had a reputation for being very good to the Maori. Really? Kind of milking that a

little bit. Yeah. Back in the 1700s, how good was the reputation for being very good to the Maori as well? Was that like not confiscating land? I think at this point, yeah, it's not an issue yet. So right now, it's just like, hey, you guys want to trade and stuff? Like you can give us some wood and we'll give you some guns and we'll see what happens. Like it's not, it's not where it goes. It's the early days. Yeah, it's before. Before someone had the great idea of like, let's just steal everything. We'll do that. Can I just apologize for being the local expert who just was asking the American guys a question? I just realized how

useless I'm going to be. And amazing that you found a story that I haven't heard. I don't know if that makes me a bad New Zealander or... No, it just makes you white. I mean, one thing we've learned on this podcast is that the people who know the least about the country they're from is the people in the country. Like, you're just not taught what happened, the reality of what happened. You're taught like this sort of surfacey bullshit, right? Yeah, that's what helped this podcast. But the ship captain that they took was not a good one and he treated the passengers horribly. He threatened to keep Topahi's eight-year-old son as

payment for their trip. It's a weird time. Yeah. Well, Topahi's so casual with his kids that I think he'll be like, fair deal. Yeah, yeah. I still got three-ish, so that'll play. I've got one minute. I feel all locked back at home in mint condition. Yeah. Then keeping her in a shed and she is fucking like the day she was born. It's gonna take her a while to adjust to the light again, but once she does, you're gonna love her. Once her eyes are opening normally. Yeah, love her. The Norfolk Island commandant rescued the eight-year-old. On the island, they learned King was now governor of New South Wales, so they were put on a ship to Sydney. And Topahi was the first influential Maori leader to visit New South Wales. To King having a new place

in New Zealand for whaling ships to anchor was invaluable. So that's what they want. They just want a place to let whalers hang out, because whalers were cool. I don't know if you have read about them, but super awesome guys. I was more of a sailor's man myself. Yeah. Yeah, they're good too. Well, sailors are the gateway to the gateway drug to the whalers. King did everything he could to convince Topahi how great it would be to have a relationship with the Europeans. And now looking back, he was right. Yeah. They stayed. What? Good sell. Yeah. They stayed for three months, during which time they were guests at the government house. The

chief was given iron tools, fruit trees, seedlings, and livestock, among many other gifts. I think it was for joe trees, because we have way too many of those here in Auckland. You get, we give you livestock when you come to America. Yeah, remember when you came over last time, we gave you a goat? I love that goat. Yeah. Do you guys have Fijo's yet? Have what? Fijo's. Mm-hmm. See. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. Trubs bring in a bunch of them. Are you saying a word? You call them something different, because I've seen Fijo's, but you call them something different in America. It's like a green, oblong thing, and it's delicious. Are you talking about a zucchini? Yeah. Yeah, we

are. Very big here. Does anybody know what he's talking about? What we call it in America? Pineapple guava. Pineapple guava? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know about those. No, you don't. He's just trying to be cool. Yeah. I mean, I know guava. It's a different kind of guava. A white guava. Oh, well, don't talk to the white guavas. That's what I'll tell you right now. I'll take your whole tree by the time this is done. So King also gave Tabahi a prefabricated house to erect in the Bay of Islands. So he can put like seven daughters in there. Yeah. Just pack all his daughters in. Would he give him like a completed house? Yeah, I keep reading this. So apparently this is a thing, like the British would give people a fucking prefab,

and then they'd put it up. It was for Europeans when they came. So they'd feel comfortable and not, you know, have to live like the natives or like, you know, hopefully it was a Godditch, which is a New Zealand invention, which is a combination of a cottage and a garage. And it would be great because I mean, the car's not invented yet. But when it is boy, oh boy, will we be parking it dry? Tabahi also came with some stuff. He gave King some fine clocks and a stone mirror. Oh, that's a good one too. Boy, I love stone. I don't know what that is. Do you know what that is? I just have a stone mirror and the reflection was not great. Have you sell someone on that? I don't know. I think it's just a stone. Keep looking. What I'm expecting here, it just looks

like goddamn stone still. Tabahi saw the advantages of learning about other cultures and having an exchange of technologies. After he met the famous sheep farmer, John MacArthur, Tabahi wanted several of his tribe members to come to Australia and learn how to raise sheep. So this guy's, this guy realizes there's advantages to meeting other cultures and exchanging. He's got an open mind, shall we say. Sure. What? It's just, I think if I've learned one thing, it's time to close that mind a little. Don't open it so much. King wanted to send a party of observers to stay with Tabahi, but that plan was scrapped when William Bly took over. It wasn't all good. Tabahi was horrified at the brutal sentences Europeans received for minor theft. Yeah, we've talked about over the

past couple nights a little bit because it'll be like someone took a chair and they get killed and then someone murdered someone in their out in five years. Yeah, like literally. Yeah. Like it was just a way to get rid of the poor off their fucking awesome island that is now going great. How long until they want Australia back? They're very close. Were you being sarcastic? Or were you saying it's now going great sarcastically? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're just checking. What? Just checking. Because for a minute there, you're talking about how they're getting rid of the poor and then you said it was now going great and I didn't get the sarcasm. So I was like, does he think the plan worked? If there's one thing I know about David's that he doesn't think the plans are

working. Yeah. So King wanted to send, oh, like I said, no, so, so Bly takes over. He's upset, or amazed by the census people get. Tabahi is not into aborigines at all. He did not like how little clothes they wore or their weapons and how they chose to live. Jesus. I love that. I love that a guy from a native guy from an island came over and he said, what the fuck is with these guys? Put some fucking clothes on. Put a pair of pants. How about you guys ever invented khakis? Let's go. During his time in Sydney, he met Samuel Marston, who was a chaplain, did his best to convert the Maori. Tabahi went to church regularly when he was in Australia and would have long discussions with Marston about religion. Let's get some Jesus in there, right? Yeah, always. It

works out well. Mm-hmm. Always. When you're taking the orders from a visible man in the sky, they're logical. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Huh. There's a book. What do you mean there's a book? There's a history book about that guy. Yeah, I'm aware. It's a great read. Makes a lot of sense. Still. Yeah. Yeah. I always love it when people start talking about Christianity because I was raised as a Baptist. Were you really? I was fully on board for quite a long time. You were. Oh my God. Yeah, dinosaurs and people living together. Absolutely fine. You just hide up a tree. Right. Yeah. Noah's Ark. I was the best at shooting down people when they didn't understand Noah's Ark. How did the dinosaurs get on? To be like, they were baby dinosaurs. Yeah. Noah trained them

all for two weeks before they got on there. I was fully on board for about 20 years. 20 years. Wow. I'm a real idiot. You're going to fit right in my man. Wow. I would have never thought that. What happened? What changed? I just left home, left Hauranga, went to university, met some people that weren't Christians. And they were like, he didn't have baby dinosaurs, David. You're like, no, they were friendly baby dinosaurs. Guys. Blew my mind. Yeah. First day of college. What about the dinosaurs? Were they? Where did he house them? Because they were violent. Truly, think about how he had to organize the Ark in this philosophy. How could he put, you can't put, what could you put next to each other? I'm very annoyed at my upbringing because I look

back at those arguments I was having with people. Very embarrassing. But at the time, I was speaking logic. You get back in contact with them now and get them on Facebook and go, hey man, sorry about the stuff I said about the dinosaurs. Yeah, I've always thought, I've always thought a thing I want to do sometime is meet the people that I converted to Christianity when I was 17 and kind of just knock on their door and they've got like 10 kids and they're like loving going, just be like, about that thing. Hey, I just want to tell you, yeah, I just want to tell you the thing I said about dinosaurs, not real. But congratulations on all this fertility. You guys are really plowing. This is awesome. Look at them. Sorry, I didn't mean to butt in with the personal.

No, I liked it. I mean, it was very appropriate considering what's happening. Cain, Abel, Joseph, come and meet your Uncle David. He's the reason you're here. Yay. Hi guys. Hey, good to see you guys. So their relationship to Pahi and Marsden's, their relationship allowed Marsden to begin planning a church missionary society in New Zealand that would be under Tahi's protection. Tahi and his sons were put on board the Lady Nelson in 1806. Real quick, what is the plan again? Oh, well, he's just going to, you know, start bringing Christians over and converting all the people who are living their lives pretty

fucking awesome. Tahi is. Well, he's going to protect the missionaries. Okay, got you. Right. It's the other guy. Gotcha. He's on board. He's like, this sounds great. Let's just fuck this place up. Right. So Tahi and his sons were put on board the Lady Nelson in 1806 with all the shit he'd been given and headed back to the Bay of Islands. They put up the prefabricated house. It's got to be a huge moment. Yeah. All right, there, that'll do. Hey, we made, it doesn't stick out at all. It's not weird at all. It's this big fucking prefab house and then this is going to be great when Europeans come and they feel super comfortable. Yeah. So, so his entire experience in Australia made him very pro trade. Okay.

As was common back then, people opened their local papers to find out the comings and goings of ships. And the readers in the Sydney Gazette found this in the day's paper quote on Wednesday sailed the Boyd Captain Thompson for the Cape of Good Hope with Cole Cedar and other plank and Timber. Whoa. What a story. Yeah. Popped the lid off of that one, huh? How did you hear what happened with the Boyd? Of course I did. I'm not an idiot. I've been reading about it all day. It's fascinating. Cedar and Cole. I know. We live in a great time. It's an exciting time to be alive. Can you imagine before boats, what did they talk of? I don't know. Who knows? Who knows? Oh, cool. What's going on? I'm very excited. Boats get me hot. Oh,

boats get you hot? You're hot. Oh, all right. I get randy. Well, permission under the harbor, my life. I can't imagine the story about the Cole and Cedar on the Boyd got many clicks as well. I think this is why print journalism is kind of dying. It's clickbait. They should have said the Boyd has arrived. What was on it? Click here to find out. Yeah. No, they didn't do that. I put it all right up fucking top. Yeah. You'll find if you go back and look at the titles of books, they just put the whole thing in the title. How starved for entertainment appeal that they'd read about what was inside the ships? Ship, ship, ship. What was coming in and leaving on ships was the entertainment of the time. Like they fucking couldn't get enough of it.

But it was, they were just like, what? They would literally open the paper and be like, what ship is coming in and read all about what was on it? One of the few things that has always baffled me on the podcast is what excited people and what was in the paper. Like there was a time when an attractive woman had 10,000 men following her to the train, just because. Just because it was like in the paper of people like, let's do it. It's an exciting time to be alive. There's a lady. This is why I've never watched the movie, The Shipping News, because I assume it's just about Jane Doody, Judy Dench, reading out things that are on ships. I'd rather call her Jane Doody. Jane, that's what we call her down here in New Zealand.

Jane Doody? Oh god, damn it. The guy introducing her to the queen. Jane Judy, Jane Judy. Your majesty meets Jane Doody. Oh god. Jane Doody. She's a poo woman. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no. Meet the poo woman. No, no, no, no, no, no. Jane Doody. God damn it. So the boy was owned by George Brown. It sailed from England in March with a boat full of Irish and now it was making a return voyage with a valuable cargo. I did do that on purpose. But it wasn't done yet. Captain John Thompson planned to stop first in New Zealand and trade for some, here's it, cowrie spars. Yeah, pretty much now that cowrie.

Cowrie, cowrie. So spars are long poles used for mass and booms. I have to tell you that on ships. No, they're used for mass and booms. Yeah. What's a boom? And so this is wood that they thought was the best fucking wood and it was all over New Zealand. Hey, I didn't think it is the best wood. It's off the hook. A clap for some wood. All right, New Zealand. Good wood. How else do you build a cottage? Let's just take a moment to point out that you're definitely island people because you just cheered for a type of wood. Not only cheered for wood, but fantasized about a cottage made out of that wood.

The best house New Zealand can possibly imagine. One of our favorite pastimes here in New Zealand is often hiking to a carty tree to touch it. To touch it? To look at it. To see it. You guys are so on the same page about it. Yeah. Do it every weekend. I was gonna do that tonight, but I had to come to this bullshit. Oh, well, we're sorry. Jesus. So, so you guys are literally no different than the late 1700s. Look, that's, look, mate, if there was a beautiful woman heading to a train, we would be there. After this, we'll go head out the way to go see some remos, go see some cody. It'd be beautiful. So, David was like, you go hike to touch it or look at it or see it. It's great.

You don't even have to touch it. You guys started on that. Yeah. I mean, you went right. No, you went right for it. You went right in. No more play with the tree. Yeah. You don't have to touch it. You just go up there. This is all these fucking New Zealand people. Oh, my God. Am I an avatar? What's going on over here? Uh, he just put his tail in the tree. He's tail fucking the tree. I love that you referenced avatar of all things. Yeah. It's a film, you know, they're making another three of them here. Yeah, why not? It's great. I mean, I, I enjoyed for the dialogue. I don't know why you guys like it.

Yeah, I like the dialogue. It's definitely not a good movie to watch on shrooms or anything. No, it's definitely the dialogue is what it is. Hey, I don't want to hear anything bad sort of about avatar. That is a New Zealand institution. We're very proud of it. There and coldy looking is like what's propping up our economy right now. Are they going to make them here? The new? Yeah, we make the coldy and we make the avatars. Those are the two things we make. All right, we're going to fact check some of that. We're going to check that out later. So about 70 people are aboard the ship on their way back to England. There was a two year old Betsy Broughton and her mom. Besides the usual Europeans,

there was a young Maori named Hori Teara. The crew called him George. Well, you know what? I think we're just going to go with George. You seem like a George. Yeah. He was the son of a Nati Uru chief who ruled the inner Fangaroa harbor. We would correct you, but we can't do any better. So I looked up the WH thing. How are you finding that? Well, fuck me. So I'm reading about it. I'm like, oh, there's a video here about this. And the guy's like, I'm like, what the fuck? I look at it again. I'm like, how is the W a fuss? What the fuck is happening? I tweeted about it. I was like, this is fucking bullshit. They're old.

They don't even know what letters are. WH is pronounced what? It's spelled WH and they're pronouncing it. I have no notes on that. I think that's great. Aim high. No, that's... I mean, you guys still have problems with that? I'm sorry I can't help you out more. I literally, before I came here, I was like, man, I hope he doesn't do a New Zealand story because I am screwed. Any Kiwis listening to this? David Ferrier was no good whatsoever. I almost put a bit of extra pronunciation on your name. I was like, that was David Ferrier. No, it's just an F. It's giving it a WH. It's just an F. Very white.

So is it called the feel-bearer? Huh? I like listening to you guys when you're telling a story about another country that goes like, goes real awful, but it's not as fun when it's like your own. Just realizing that now, I'm like, why am I enjoying this? Oh, it's right. It's us. I will say you handled it much better than the Australians did. We had one the other day and they were not down. But it's one of their heroes. So this is going to be fine. So George, no, what do you, what do you, when, when like people from America come

and they call it when Garoa, does everyone just fucking laugh at them? Yeah, it's a fucking W. Is that really, it's a Scottish? Oh, that's amazing. Holy shit, the fucking scum. So some drunk asshole. Well, let's just finish this and head back to the pub then. Shouldn't take too bloody long, should he? W.H. is like his prize feel now. I'm fucking pissed. There's a good damn dick right there, Christ almighty. Oh my god.

Yes, that's us right here. Oh shit, I think I made W.H. go fit. Yeah, doesn't notice. David, did you want to jump in with this, your Scottish accent? I'm good. The first European ship to stop at a Fengaroa was called the Star in 1805 or 1806. The chief asked the captain to take his son, Teara, to Europe, where he could get some iron tools and fish hooks for the tribe. So off Teara went. And on the star, they called him George because, you know, why use someone's real name? Right. So Teara had served as a sailor for a while on the sealer.

He was with other Maori, I assume a prince would not travel alone, right? No. Crew or? It's got an entourage. Entourage? Yeah, for sure. That's probably the actual word. Yeah. So after journeying across the Southern Ocean, he switched ships in Australia and was now headed home. While the Star was at sea, another ship had stopped at Fengaroa. In 1808, two years before the boy arrived, a ship named the Commerce had stopped in the harbor to pick up provisions. The captain met the Maori tribe that lived there,

and he showed them a pocket watch he had, which they were fucking super into, because they'd never seen anything like it, and they thought it was a receptacle of the gods. That makes sense. Yeah. But we're from New Zealand, all right. I've got an eye watch and people have been amazed for days. No, I mean, just the way you guys react to a tree, I can't imagine what you would do with a watch. It was kind of like when we're in primary school. Does anyone remember in primary school, in some kids, the rich kid would always have like a baby G watch, and you'd press the light, and there'd be a tiny little pixelated man that would do a snowboarding trick or something

like that, and that I thought was a gift from the gods. So I can only imagine what it'd be like if I was moldy and saw a pocket watch. So it'd be like a baby G equivalent. By the way, that's also the best reaction you can get to a pocket watch. You're like, check it out. It keeps time. This is the gods. Sure. Yeah, it's the gods. Yeah, totally, for sure. It's that too. Anyway, I got a 430. I got to get moving, guys, so. So it was all going well until the captain accidentally dropped the watch into the harbor. The gods!

To the Maori, Maori, this was a, I fucked up, to the Maori, this was a bad omen. That evening, the commerce took off without the usual protocol and goodbyes, probably mad about the watch. Sure. To the Maori, fuck. Okay. When I came in here to the green room, I go, are there going to be many words in Tileo because I'm not going to be much help. And he said, no, it's fine. There's hardly any at all. So far, it's been 90% Tileo. Yeah, I forgot. I felt like when I was writing it, I was like, I thought this would be a lot worse. But it turns out I can't say just the Maori writing.

You know, you do it, you try hard. It's me and David who should be embarrassed. You're trying. Whangaroa, is it? Whangaroa is the word we're trying to say? Whangaroa and Maori. But yeah, you're doing great too. I nailed that one. Now look, we, as New Zealanders, we just appreciate people coming here, you know? This is the, yes! So you got, you set a low bar with a tree.

Honestly, at the end of the movie, Point Break, when the dude says he's going to paddle to New Zealand, that was the proudest moment in our nation's history. For literally 25 years until Lord of the Rings came out, that was us. We're so proud. So the ship takes off and without saying goodbye, so the Maori thought that was a bad intent that the captain was, like he was up to something. Oh yeah. Turns out they were sort of right because someone on the ship had the flu. The Maori had no resistance for some reason.

Sixty died soon after the ship sailed off. The tragedy demanded Utu. Yeah. How you doing? I'm leaving. What happened? Utu, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm going to try to explain this. It's a little bit difficult for guys like us.

Sure. So Utu is a Maori concept of reciprocation or balance to retain mana. Both friendly and unfriendly actions require an appropriate response. So Utu covers both the reciprocation of kind deeds and the seeking of revenge. It's to balance shit out. Okay, sounds karmic. Yeah, kind of in a way. Yeah.

Mana is a concept that basically can't be described by our stupid white man words. So I tried to, I was like, I give up. Okay. So what was the disease he gave them? It was, was it the flu that came? We, I didn't. Yeah. What did you do?

What did you do? Guy, guy, guy, don't do this. Yeah, the flu. It was just a common flu. And they were like, yeah, Bob's got the flu on the boat. And then they're like, oh, everybody's dying. So I think I don't have the best understanding, but I think the way it would work is that they gave the flu to the, to them. So in response, they need to give them chlamydia or something.

I don't know if that's technically right, but I think that's in the ballpark. That's close. Yeah, I can't see what's wrong with that. So now the whites had brought something that was hurting and killing the Maori. So they had the right to reply in some way. If you don't reply, your family and others will ask why you aren't balancing out the situation. Gotcha. Okay.

That's a good philosophy. Yeah. I can't wait how they're going to balance out 60 people dying of the flu. Oh, hold on. It's going to be tough. I'm excited to find out how they did. And that wasn't the only thing that needed balancing. This is when the Boyd came rolling in in December 1909.

During the journey from Sydney to New Zealand, the relationship between the captain and George had gone south. Yeah. Well, George had an attitude ever since his name was removed. I mean, he's not been the George we knew and loved since then. George refused to work for his passage. He had already worked over a year on other ships and received nothing for his work. So he considered himself injured.

But other Maori were working so the captain didn't get why George wasn't. And so he had George flogged. As was custom at sea, but not really custom for a prince. So, uh, some say, some say George was too sick to work. Another account said the ships cook accidentally through some pewter spoons overboard and then accused George of stealing them. So that's why he was flogged. Alexander Barry in a letter.

What spoon? He threw some spoons. Putter spoons. Yeah. Some spoons. Yeah. He accidentally tossed spoons over and then he was like, George threw the spoon. That's so George.

Why would you steal the spoons on a boat? Like, well, you don't want people eating soup, right? Is that what it is? He was really against soup. Yeah. And stirring. Who thinks up there is a crime? Like I'm going to steal all the spoons.

Well, they, they were killing people for taking handkerchiefs. So it's a fucked up time. Alexander Barry in a letter describing the event said, quote, the captain had been rather too hasty in resenting some slight theft. Either way. Flogging a chief, as he was considered, were basically belittling, belittling him and destroying his mana. I think it's a chill.

His chill. This was a serious cultural difference. George was considered a chief. So in the Māori world, he had the right to tell everyone on the ship what to do. And now he's being beaten and deprived of food. Right. All right. They, they put him in a room and they would stop feeding him.

Hey, I know that sounds bad, but he did possibly steal some spoons. So clearly this would also demand Utu. There was a 15 year old cabin boy on the ship named Tom Davis, and he secretly gave George food after he was flogged and locked away. So now the boy rolls into the harbor and drops anchor with the expectation of getting some really fucking awesome wood from your really great trees. Cowdy tree.

Yeah, these are just top of the line. They just a bunch of people touching it. That's the one with all the guys around it. Why are there so many people on the boat that they wouldn't let go of the tree? I'm sorry. We brought them. You guys have never touched a fucking cowdy tree. Yeah.

Don't take the piss out of it. Have you ever, have you ever? Wow. There. Wow. It's really cocky for people who don't live near Sequoias. Have you ever kissed them? What up?

What up? Yeah, I fucking threw down some Sequoias. David, David, David, David. You want some? Dave, David, David. Try to fucking wrap brands around that. David, David. It's huge.

Dave. The hell just happened to you. People throw on trees in my face. Nobody's throwing a tree in your face. I'm just saying we got better fucking trees. And if they did from what I hear it'd be a great experience. We got better trees. Don't.

What? Yeah. What if you could do it? And that's where the show took a very bad turn. Have you ever heard of a putacal tree, mate? All right, let's get it. Don't even get me started on Rimu. Totoro?

Banga. Okay, you guys just know a lot of names out there. Yeah, suddenly the white guys know a lot of words. So living nearby were around 17,000 or so Maori who were looking for Utu. Wow. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot of Utu. And they didn't even know what had happened to George yet.

Oh, Jesus. I thought this was a retaliation moment for George. They're going to be happy. So just inside the harbor, the boy had dropped anchor in a place surrounded by kaudi trees. Kaudi? Yeah, fucking nailed it. At some point, George was able to see his people and show the whip marks on his back.

Then George and his brother, Tapuhi, I know, it's fucked up. Because the other guy's, the other guy's Tapahi and this guy's Tapuhi. So it's, and I phonetically put poo there. What do you want to say? Go back in time and tell them to like differentiate their names. Your name is Dave and he's David. This is confusing for everybody. And guy looks like David.

Yeah, literally. Missed up. So Tapuhi told Captain Thompson, better Kaudi was further inland. Who wouldn't listen to a guy that his brother was just flogged. Oh boy. Just a little further, little further, right up here where all these men with knives are. All right, right around here. So Captain Thompson sailed further up the Kaioa River.

A few days later, the captain and three boatloads of sailors were escorted up the Kaioa River by. Okay, you always struggle with it once. Why a team to the second time? It's just hard. I can't even get at what river you're trying to get at there. Kaioa. You're doing, you're doing well. We glad you've come here all the way from another land and you're doing really well.

It's like the mom I never had. Just being really nice. Keep trying. You tried, you tried, you guys tried. So they're being led up the river. They had no idea they were being taken to the village of Georgia's tribe. Right as they were brought ashore, the warriors turned on them and started angrily scolding Captain Thompson for his treatment of George.

Dope, it's Ootoo time. Yeah. The captain tried to negotiate with George's brother, Tapuhi, but he was having none of it. Tapuhi then shouted, kill them, and it was on. The attack was so fast, the sailors were unable to fire a single shot. They were all dead. Wow. Wow.

That's like, that is like some matrix shit. It escalated. That's one of those things where the lights go out and then they're on and everyone's dead and you're just like, wait, what happened? So the Europeans had guns and the Moldy had no guns. No guns. And they just massacred them. They're maybe proud to be a New Zealander almost.

But you're a European. Any more details on how they went down? No, it just, that's all they, that was all the record was, was that they, they didn't have chance to fire a shot. I assume they were completely surrounded and, you know, and they were just waiting to, you know. Yeah. Well, it's also when it took a minute to load a gun too. Yeah.

Because the, the Europeans, yeah. And the Europeans were like, hey man, we're here to just hang out. So where are these great trees? Oh shit, hurry, load them. All right, hand me that, hand me that, give me that, give me the gunpowder, give me the gunpowder, put that in there, get the bullet. Oh God, we're all dead. So then the Moldy got busy eating them.

Oh, okay. No, that's what you would do. Don't lie at that. Well, give up God eat them. That's fucking yum. Yum strong. Are you honestly saying here, and you would be a little bit tempted to eat, taste some human? I personally am not, and this is no offense to your culture.

I, I'm not, I mean, I don't eat meat in general. I guess I would go with man if I had to go back. Maybe I need a bit of man. You're sick mate, you are sick. How long after until they start eating? Well, they, they get, they get on it pretty quick. Is it a, is it out of hunger, or is it? It's a whole ceremony thing that they do.

Right, so yeah. Does the meat, does it, when you hunt animals, doesn't, if you shoot the animal, but it's startled or in pain, the meat spoils or something, am I right? So I'm guessing this would be some very spoiled human meat. Are you saying that if you shoot an animal that's freaked out, that the meat's not good? Is there some, yeah, is that really supposed to be a thing? That's why you surprise them.

There are some that think, yeah, that the idea, like the idea of the last thing that the flesh or eating experience was total fear, and that that's, that, and you obviously don't. That's what I like about that. No. I, I, when I go to the butcher, I go, what, what was the most frightened today? Yeah, no, no, Dave's walked back into a subway and been like, I don't know, I wasn't that scared. I don't know, good turkey sandwich, but I wasn't that scared. Here in New Zealand, you know, we, you know, you got to be sneaky.

You sneak up, you surprise it, and stab it, and then you eat it. Yeah, okay. Are we talking about people? We're talking about people or animals? They're both talking about people. Okay, yeah. So there is no written description of them eating Captain Thompson and his men, but I took, they had greasy fingers.

They couldn't, how are you going to write it down? You just, they barbecue. Yeah. I took a description of another time white guys were eaten by the Maori, so you can get, you can get the feel. Great. Wanted to have that. Quote, I watched the preparation of the body by the white soldier for the warrior's feast.

The head was first cut off with a tomahawk, and then the body was cut open, prepared as a butcher prepares, a beastie is killed. The body was laid on red hot stones in the bottom of the emu, which is an earth oven, so that the outer skin could be scraped off easily. This hat. This was done by the cannibal cooks with sharp cockle shells. Water was then poured over the hot stones to create steam, which was to cook the meal, and green leaves were spread on top of the stones.

Then the man meat was placed in the oven. The body was cut up into convenient portions and arranged so as to cook it thoroughly. The, because you don't want raw, uh, dude. No, no, no, you don't want hushy. The oven was five feet long at about three feet deep, and there were several layers of meat with green leaves between each. Some of the pieces, such as the rib portions, were set on the edge with hot stones between them. The thickest pieces were the meat cut from the thighs.

The hands were laid with the palms up, because when they cooked, they would curl up. Oh, wow. That's how you know you're eating a lot of man. It's like, nah, it's way better like this than they curl. Who wants a fist? Dip it in the ranch. It's really good. Have you had fist dippers?

I have some fist poppers. Come on. Who's writing this down as well? Who's the historian? Brave enough to see dudes eating men and go, I'm just going to take this down. What are you writing? Nothing. What Dave isn't revealing is the last thing he wrote was, oh, fuck.

They did it right, though. I mean, so far. But this isn't an account of the time in the story. No, but this is the general sort of ceremony that's done. Yeah, it all sounds yum so far. I feel very, uh, pickish. Yeah. Um, I don't know, I don't know.

Very, uh, pickish, yeah, um, so the hands curl up. We remember. And the hollow palm was full of gravy. What? Oh my god. Okay, here's the thing. Now, okay, this is the thing that it is, to me, it's crazy, obviously, but it is crazy to not see some sort of, like, you, we eat humans eat flesh all the time.

So this is just, this is flesh and it sounds like they're doing, I mean, if they're putting gravy in palms, they kind of know what they're doing. I, I, yeah, yeah, no, I don't eat meat and I'm like, I mean, I'd take a bite of a gravy palm. Yeah, look, they've clearly been working with recipes and no, I don't think it's a big deal to, why not fucking eat people? At this point with the population out of control, we should switch. KFC should just start cooking humans. Boom.

You get like a sort of a brain disease, don't you? If you sat eating people. That's what we actually believe eating brain. I don't think it's from, uh, as I recall, I think that was. So if you avoid the brain, you're fine. Yeah, I believe, I believe. I'll just do it then. Yeah.

Quick, out of the sidebar. David, how do you know this? Did you think I'm going to eat my may and then pulled out of it after a quick Google search? No, you know, you get on the internet and you read things, don't you? You know, you have to think these things through. You just bait clicking through some cannibal stuff. And you come across, or maybe you're like, maybe you're looking into whether or not you should eat people and you're like, oh, no, I don't want to go crazy.

What is this? Like a fist recipe, I guess. I was even in the pond. I think though, I think if, if, if you were presented with like eating the flesh of your worst enemy, or eating like the flesh of like this new puppy that you'd gotten. So, so I'm choosing between eating my old riding partner and a dog. Yeah. Which, it's a cute puppy.

So you've got to pick. I think you'd probably, you'd probably pick the human. I would probably eat, yeah, I'd probably be J. Exactly. But we don't need to get his name involved. I think we do. I think we do. DJ.

No, I would not want to eat a puppy. But like, if there was like a, like a, you know, dead dude, I'd be like, all right, I'll take some thigh. I don't think you're near exactly what David is saying. Because you're just saying, yeah, I'll eat the dude over a puppy. He was sort of bringing some sort of spiritual element to it. But you're, it seems like you want to eat men, honestly. I mean, is that what this is?

What happened? That is what this is. What happened? What happened with BJ? Oh, he was a monster. He would screw me all the time. And, and we eventually he, we had a show at Amazon and he delayed it so long that they ended the deal on a shrivel his hands and the palms and the gravy.

Eat that shirt. Great. Yeah. And then, and then I ate him. But that's, that's like, that's just Hollywood. That's just what we do there. We eat, we eat our enemies. So, okay.

So the, there's gravy. We know there's gravy in the goddamn poem. The, the gravy hand thing was a great delicacy to the older Maori. Mats and other coverings were laid on top again and water poured over them. And then the earth was laid over all so that no steam was permitted to escape. And the body took between two to three hours to cook. So they're just brazing the human. It's like a, it's like a, what?

I think they want us to hug them, Dave. And we're in their world. We should hug them because we know what happens if we don't move. Just all yell at once. One, two, three. That didn't help. What is happening? Honey.

It's when you cook, cook underground. Oh, so you don't need to get frustrated with us. Okay. You should have seen the look on their faces. They're like, Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to shout it at your face? But it's like, in, in Hawaii, they, they bury a pig. And the, but it's not, but it's not called. No, we're not talking about clams right now.

So we have a different name. I was just saying that it's sort of the same idea behind it. Yeah, I like how you just discovered languages. In Hawaii, they don't call it this. What's going on? You know, in America, it hasn't caught on, so it's not real. So, so you guys know. So those, so those guys Thompson and the other guys were eating and as word spread,

people from neighboring villages came to partake in the, in the meal after the, you know, Utu. So they, they believe obviously this was Utu for the poisoning of the harbor and that it killed so many people. So at night, the warriors put on the clothes of the dead sailors, grabbed their muskets and paddled back to the boy in the boats. Oh boy. Oh boy. And when they got to the boy, they were greeted by the crew who were like,

Hey, you guys, what's going on? You guys look great. But it wasn't the crew. This is dope. This is like, has anyone seen the movie face off? This is basically the same concept. I don't know if they saw a face off back then, but I like the way they're going with this. Well, that's actually how they prepared their meals.

What year is this? Sorry, was this supposed to be? That's a, it's like 1808 or 1809. 1808, okay, okay, okay. So, so they, they're greeted by the crew. The crew is like, Hey, what's up and other Maori were waiting nearby for the signal to attack. And then the, the guys in the, in the outfits quietly slipped onto the ship. Most of the crew were killed in their beds.

Then their bodies were taken onto the deck. The passengers were brought up to the deck and then killed. Five of the passengers managed to get up into the masts where they remained safely for a little while. I mean, that is like, that is a nightmarish way to go. That truly is to be like on a mass, like, Oh God, they're getting up here. And they, and they were looking down as the Maori carved up the, the crew and everybody else for getting ready for the feast. So they're like, I think we gotta pray for them to get full.

That's our biggest hope is that they get full fast. So they're like preparing the meat down below. Oh my God. Okay. So I think that they're, they're planning on eating all of us as I'm looking down there. Now they're really having, I mean, they're making salads. I don't think, uh, this is a whole thing they're doing. You look concerned. No, it's just such an image.

It's like, yeah, it's beautiful. It's amazing. Yeah. No, it's fucking insane. You couldn't write that. It's awful. Yeah. It's really awful. Yeah. No, it's not great.

Awful. I mean, you, you, you, but you were involved in tickle. That was fucked up too. It's just tickling. This is fucked up. Was it just tickling? It wasn't. It wasn't.

It never is, is it? It's about power. I think this is great. It's gone. The story has gone from zero to a hundred real quick. It's that image, like up the fucking mass, looking down and feeding frenzy. You're like trades going great, Christianity's coming on board. We're all getting together.

We've got a prefab, Goddage. All our buddies are coming back on a boat. Now all of a sudden it's taken a real turn, but fair enough, you know, you got to get Utu when you got to get Utu. So in the morning, Tapahi arrived from the Bay of Islands. He come to do some trading with the Fangaroa Maori, and then he was like, what? Hey guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, what are we doing?

You hungry? The people on the mass saved your gravy fist. The people on the mass screamed out to him for help, and he was able somehow to take them to shore, but it wasn't a great escape because the Fangaroa tribe saw him and gave chase in their canoes, and once the passengers were on shore, Tapahi's warriors ran after them and clubbed them to death. All but one, apparently.

Of all the people on the ship, now only five people were allowed to live. Ann Morley was a passenger with a baby, and some Maori women felt sorry for her. They helped her get on shore and hide. The cabin boy who had given George food was allowed to live. That's a good move. He was a legend, love that guy. You never know what a little act of kindness is going to do you guys. Think about that when you tweeted me.

There was also two-year-old Betsy Broughton who was allowed to live. Her mother, not so much, didn't make it. She was clubbed to death, which is a cool thing for a two-year-old to see. Mm-hmm. And then the only man who was alive, the adult male, was the second mate who they were going to keep as a slave. Okay, so he made a compromise. Yeah.

Negotiated. Tapahi's men started plundering the ship. They towed it to a mud flap, mud flat, and spent some time stripping the ship. The thing they really wanted were the muskets in the weapon storage room, so they broke in and saw some barrels. Now, the Maui were not familiar with how gunpowder worked, and it is assumed they tried to break into the barrels because there was a massive explosion.

Oh, God. The ship deck was blasted towards the sky. Pieces of body and ship parts rained down into the water. Oh, my God. Who's going to live? Anyone living? Anyone walk away from this one? This is rude.

It's carnage. Yeah, it's not great. Okay, the ship had a cargo of whale oil and coal, so it just sat there fucking burning big time. It's like a Michael Bay film. I really, it's just like, you know, it rears looking everywhere, and it's just chaos, and you don't know why you're watching it, but it's just happening, and it's crazy.

The explosion knocked the ship loose from its anchor, so it drifted burning across the harbor and then sank. Okay. Okay. So this whole thing was a pretty big deal in the harbor. People reacted to what had happened? Yeah, the news spread, and... Honey, they're not talking about boats anymore for some reason.

I mean, sort of. The news spread and reached the Bay of Islands, where Captain Barry of the city of Edinburgh ship had made a deal with the Māori there, and he was having the, your tree, the... Cody? Yeah, he was having spars put on ship, like he's fucking killing it.

And then he noticed some men talking, and the interpreter came over and said he had something to tell him, but first he had to finish paying for the spars. All right, eight, nine, 10. Everyone you know is gone. Pleasure, as usual. Quote, his request being complied with, he then informed us that he had received accounts

from those people of the capture of a ship by the natives of Fangaroa, who had killed and eaten the captain and crew. That's a weird thing to hear. Yeah, I mean, you got to break that. You got to chunk that out a little bit. I'm sorry, could you go back? So there was a huge fight, and, you know,

a lot of people have passed, and a lot of people you know are probably gone. Yeah, so that's so hard. That's really hard to hear. Yeah, no, and then, you know, I mean, yeah. I mean, so take that in. And then after that, they prepared the people that... For the burial.

You love miss, yeah, for the burial, sort of. You know, they kind of buried him in a grill. It's sort of, they buried him in a grill for like two to three hours. Excuse me? They put him down, they buried him in a, you know... Are you talking about a honey? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, I am. I'm glad you are familiar with the terminology. And so they buried him in a grill, and then they exhumed the bodies for a, well, let me finish. No, you said, okay. Yeah, they exhumed the bodies for a barbecue. What are they, like a pig or...

Your friends. And they ate them and all the people that you like and love, and they're gone, and they ate them, and they have this thing they do where they... And you got to see this, because this is some, like, Rachel Ray shit right here. This is like, they do a whole spread where they've got the hand... You wouldn't think...

Because if you cook, and I'm sorry, just let me... If you cook a hand down, you're missing the best part, because it makes a great little gravy spoon. It's almost nature's ladle. It's like, God made a big spoon for you. Speaking of spoons, we're missing a bunch. Anyway, they're... They're gone.

Other than that, are you good? Are you... So, right, so that the Fangro tribe have procured the firearms and ammunition of the ship, and elated with their victory, although the only result of surprise and treachery had determined to come around and attack our ship. Therefore, he observed, you must no longer weaken yourselves by sending away boats for spars,

but must keep all your men on board and quit New Zealand as soon as possible. And besides, while it may be necessary to remain here, you ought to receive on board all my friends and dependents in assisting and defending you. So, this Maori guy wants to help. Right. But he's also like, you should... Really, it's bad.

Maybe you find a new life. Yeah, you guys probably shouldn't come here, because we've been eating each other for a while. You guys just aren't used to it. So, Barry decided to send around an armed party to see if the story was true. He also wanted to rescue the captives and look for survivors. So, Barry arrived in three ships with armed men,

and they saw what was left of the buoyed, which is basically just underwater... Yeah, like a piece of fiery wood? Yeah. Barry said it was, quote, the most melancholy picture of wanton mischief. That doesn't sound that bad. That's pretty, yeah, that's an underwhelming way of putting it.

Sorry, under-filming. But that really is, like, hey, it's a real bummer. Mmm. Ah, sucks. Mmm. What's been going on here? Well, it seems like a lot of mischief has gone on. Yeah!

A lot of melancholy mischief. Everyone's gone and eaten. This is a bit of a melancholy scene. Barry had brought along another chief who landed first and went up to George and Tapuhi and some other warriors who had taken part in the match. George and Tapuhi were both wearing cloaks made out of canvas from the sailcloth of the buoyed.

Yeah. Sure, sure. Sure, so they made hammered pants out of it. Look, if you take down a boat as Legendary as the buoyed, you're going to want to rock, like, the sailors and threads. Yeah. That's just a good look. Yeah, you got to bring it.

You'd be silly not to. Yeah. So George and Tapuhi rolled up with a lot of confidence and held out their hands as if they were going to be in the boat. They rolled up with a lot of confidence and held out their hands as if they were welcoming all the acquaintances. Hey, guys. What's up with you guys?

What have you guys been doing? You hungry? Do you eat? We got some Bob over here. Oh, you're going to love it. They quickly started talking about the massacre and had no problems discussing the details. That was hilarious.

You should have been there. The whole time we were saying we wished you were there. You're crazy, to be honest. What a feast. Barry said they acted like it was, quote, some successful attempt against an enemy's ship or superior force. They said the reason for the attack was the flogging. They also said there were some survivors.

To get the survivors, Barry made an offer. They could either accept a trade of a pile of axes for the captives or Barry would have his men shoot at them and they would have a war. Say again? So he's like, you can have all these axes that I have. Cool. A pile of axes. Give me the captives.

The axes of evil. Or behind curtain B, we're just going to start shooting at you. Take the axes. Yeah, take the axes. Definitely. Absolutely. Every time. Every time.

And my guess is they took the axes, right, Dave? After a moment, the two chiefs said, quote, trading was better than fighting and they had a deal. OK. That is shocking news. They asked Barry to spend the night and have a meal of fish. I didn't know fish had finger nails.

Those are scales. But Barry was thinking he would be the meal if he ticked them up on the offer. Quote. I mean, that's like a Looney Tunes moment where it's like, stay for dinner. Wait a minute. I'm a dinner. Yeah, go ahead and just step in the pot. OK.

Cut these carrots. Fine. And this too. Wait a minute. That's exactly what happened in a looney. Yeah, Elmer Fudd went through that 30 times. How many times did they make us fud soup? Quote.

We had seen the mangled fragments and fresh bones of our countrymen with marks even of teeth remaining on them. And it certainly could not be agreeable to pass the night by the side of their devourers. It's fair. It's a conflicting moment. Yep. You guys are totally nice, but also you ate our bros.

And they're there. Right there. He spent the night on one of his boats. In the morning, the Maori bot and Morley and the baby and the cabin boy, Tom Davis, and told Captain Barry, the two-year-old girl and second mate were still alive. When they looked into it, it turned out the second mate had been given to a neighboring chief as a gift.

And he kept the second mate alive to make fish hooks from the ship's metal fittings. But the second mate was really bad at making fish hooks, so he was killed and eaten. Fear enough. You can't make some fish hooks. You deserve it. This is also a good try, you know what I mean?

Put some effort into something. Yeah, yeah. If there's ever been a motivating moment to make good fish hooks. Yeah, this is not the time to ask. It's knowing that if they can't fish, you are salmon. Go ahead. Go ahead. I look at you just grabbed your chest like, oh, my stars.

My stars. Two-year-old Betsy had been given to a chief of the Naughty Poo who controlled the islands just outside of the mouth of the Fangaro Harbour. Captain Barry happened to be a good friend of the father of the two-year-old girl, so he kind of wanted a rescuer. Mm-hmm.

So he pulled the pistol at George and T'Poohe and forced them onto one of his ships to go with him to one of the islands. Not a good move, right? Is this all happening very quickly, or is this all about the space of a week or a month? Yeah, no, it's happening pretty quick. It's not, it's all...

It's all in 20 minutes. Yeah. This is going down. This isn't flying. Okay, just checking. Okay. So... This is full on.

Yeah. So, no, you said it, Michael Bay movie. We're in the third act. So when he got to the island... Part where everyone leaves. When they got to the island, Barry threatened to kill every single Naughty Poohe of Betsy was not returned,

and she was handed over. She was wearing the linen shirt of dead Captain Thomas and had put feathers in... And they had put feathers in her hair, so that's nice. That's cute. When she saw the white people in the boat, she yelled out,

Mama! How is everybody? Sometimes when you're researching these stories, you just sort of go, Oh, God, it's like, it's too much. Yeah, yeah, this one was really fucking... But also, sometimes it's so... Like, this is so crazy over the top

that I start to detach from it. Like, it just becomes insane. Yeah, just keep going. Like a Michael Bay film. Like a Michael Bay film. There's really no story. It's just set pieces of action. That's true.

So George and Poohe had fulfilled their end of the bargain. Captain Barry also heard that the ship's log and other valuable papers were around somewhere. So he had George and Poohe put in leg irons and left on the Bay of Islands. He said they would be released when the papers were turned over. This is a really...

This is really... Now you're just getting nitpicky. Yeah, and it's a bad call. Well, the papers appeared. There were a few books, a box full of letters, some bills, documents, and when the papers were handed over, Barry went back on his word.

He wrote, quote, If an Enlightened... If, sorry, if an Englishman committed a single murder, he was hanged. But they had massacred a whole ship's crew and therefore could expect no mercy. But as their chiefs,

I would not degrade them by hanging, but would shoot them. That's nice. What a sweetie. He's being cool. He's not going to hang out. He's breaking a deal, though, right? I'm just getting interested in the story now.

How did the tables turn? Just now. Yeah, just at this moment. The start of it, I've been kind of in and out. How did the tables turn? Because it seemed like the moldy were well in control and then the guys were all like, please. So when they showed up,

George and Poohe were like, Hey, man, what are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? Totally, like the Ootus happened. We're all cool. Chill, chill. And then he pulled the gun on them. And at that point, when they have guns pointed at them,

what are you going to do? It's the old, you know. The old trick. The old trickaroo. Yeah. The old trickaroo. It's actually pronounced tree-kai-roo. Just to be clear.

So Barry loaded two muskets himself. He appointed executioners who were two crewmen who were also Pacific Islanders. They took aim and fired. Okay. Nothing happened. Captain Barry had only loaded the guns with powder, not musket balls.

He wanted to humiliate the chiefs to show them he had power of life and death over them. What a trickster. Yeah. I'm joshing, you guys. Good lord. Come on. Barry then told them he would spare their lives

if they would become slaves of one of... Is that sparing a life? No, it'll just be hell while you live, I mean. If they become slaves of one of Barry's Maori allies, they took the deal. But that didn't hold up as soon as they could. The other Maori just let them go. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. And then George and Tapu, he wrote a letter to Barry thanking him for their liberty and saying if he had injured them, it would have led to Utu. Man, this just never ends. After Barry wrote a general warning to ship's masters about the Boyd Masker, it was sent around the Pacific. The warning named the man responsible for the Masker

as Tapuhe, not Tapuhe, totally different dude. Sorry, it's like Tipo. It's like they just spelled it differently. It's Tipohe, so it's just spelled incorrectly. Okay. Okay. Tapuhe was obviously the respected chief of Bay of Islands. He showed up, right?

He was the guy who loved the trade, trading. So he was known as a big peacemaker. He understood the advantage of trading, as we talked about. So word gets out that... How about you're smiling about something that's about to happen? So word gets out.

There's a broadsheet print in London of the Masker. It describes the atrocious and horrible massacre of the Boyd, quote, crew of ship Boyd Captain Thompson who were murdered and devoured by cannibals of New Zealand. So then the warning of cannibals went out. Be warned, he captains, by the fate of Thompson and his crew.

Touch not that cursed shore lest you, these cannibals purse those most murderous fiends who live by blood. So everyone now thinks that cannibals are eaten, which kind of is... But it's almost like good PR in the sense that it's like, don't fuck around. Yeah, people like this isn't a place to probably don't go there.

Right. Yeah. Except they're such good wood. Yeah, the wood is amazing. It's such a hard thing to balance. Yeah, the wood, yeah. It's actually the foot. So everyone's freaked out by these cannibals of New Zealand.

On March the 7th, 1810, five whaling boats landed at the Bay of Islands looking for revenge. They were looking for tapahi because the name had been spelled incorrectly. Right. Gary Gareth. Isn't it?

Similar. Isn't it? It is, the amount of times. Yeah, yeah. I feel the pain. While they were there, they saw a boat that belonged to the boy and they saw a Maori walking around

in European clothing and to them, that was proof. Tapahi thought they were more ships that had come to trade with them and he came down and welcomed them and then they shot him. And then they shot everyone else. It was said that every man, woman, and child insight was shot.

Tapahi was shot in the neck and chest and he somehow managed to escape alive to the mainland. What a rock star, right? Yeah, fuck. This guy's fucking. And now we, so here's the hero of the Michael Bay movie. It really is a Michael Bay thing, too. Where you're like, you wouldn't survive that.

Shot in the head and neck. He's like, I got a plan. They missed every vital organ. I'm sure they did. That's fucking good. This is such an amazing movie. It makes me wonder why New Zealand's pissing around with the Hobbit franchise.

When we're on the boat where they're trapped up the top of the mast and they're just eating everyone down below, it's like, it's perfect. What are you doing tickled, mate? This is way better. You're an idiot. One trick pony.

That's all I've got. But I'm taking this story. We, we, it's for sure. Have you gone to David Ferrier's gravy poem? It's unbelievable. You have to go there. They can do your version of Outback Steakhouse in America. Oh, yeah.

That would be how you get us back. We like, come down to American Joe's. We eat gravy, pal. What's the cowdy, by the way? What we do with it is because it's so big, like the thing when you go and visit a big cowdy tree is you hug it because to emphasize, you try and hug it because it's so big.

You can't get your arms around. Okay, even, even I'm off-board now. I'm like, it's true. We're weird, but we're not that weird. It's just saying. That's what everyone tries to do. Look, you're, you're talking to a guy who likes sequoias.

This is the biggest, it's the biggest tree in the fucking world. Yeah, right. Dave has sex with the sequoias. I have no doubt. But can you make a sequoia into a door? Checkmate, New Zealand wins again. So, is this, is this all 100% accurate?

Like, because I'm sitting here a little bit worried. Like, if this is not really accurate, then most of this fucking race is. But we're all good. Almost all of this came from New Zealand, actual government and like professors and stuff like that. I'm amazed I haven't, I haven't heard this story at all

because there's a lot of great stories. We've got the story of honey here, cutting down the flagpole. And I'm surprised we didn't do that one. You're welcome back. You know, any people from far away lands are welcome be any time. Thank you, David.

To tell their stories. Thank you, Dave. Thank you. Yeah. Now, the Maori, the Maori were very surprised that Tupahi had been blamed for what had happened to the boy. Now, he survived.

And, but then the events that had all just occurred. The events. Led to. I missed you. Yes, led to the Fengaroa tribes going to war with Tupahi's people. So all of this shit led to the tribes fighting each other, which is pretty standard for here from what I've read.

So he died in that intertribal fighting. The Fengaroa Maori and the Bay of Islands people were in war for a long time. In 1812, three years after the massacre of his tribe, the Lord's Committee of the Privy Council. Fucking British people. Held in it. The Lord's Privy.

And the Council. We've had a quick sidebar with the Lord. Very happy. Very happy. He went privy to the Lord, yes. Right. So three years later, the solicitor general wrote to them saying, and his opinion, the Wailers were guilty of murder

when they attacked Tupahi's people. In the eyes of English justice, Tupahi was innocent. Two-year-old Betsy went on to have... That's sort of shocking, right? I totally shocked. Right? Totally shocked. I mean, that is what is...

The idea that you never pay attention to where it actually started, we have such short attention spans and always have when it comes to that stuff where it's just like, well, what just happened? It's like, well, where did it start from? It started from bullshit. But that's because in America, so that's the thing I've noticed about both Australia

and this history a little bit is that there were people who were like... Yeah, no, don't fucking kill everybody. Not in America. They were just like, fucking burn it down. And that's still... Yeah, that's changed. So two-year-old Betsy went on to have a long and happy life. She married a wealthy Australian sheep farmer and had 17 children.

Jesus. Did she have a happy life or was she constantly like, ice, ice? So these are like the post-credit takes titles again. That's right. This is like the where... Yeah, what happened, Joe? Just taking notes. I'm unemployed right now, so I can eat a new thing.

This is great. Okay, post-credit notes. Yeah. She had 17 children, 78 grandchildren, and 18 great grandchildren. She watched them grow up before she died. That's fucking crazy. So she started... She started having babies at like nine.

Yeah. You'd think she would open a grill. Her home near Sydney is now a... And that's where they turned. Her home near Sydney is now a National Trust Heritage Building. Ann Morley, who was saved with her baby, took another ship back to England after the ordeal. That ship stopped in Lima, Peru, where she died

like it was a prequel to final destination. Oh, my God. Why did people get on boats? To get in the paper. They always die. Tom Davis, the cabin boy, lived another 13 years, then he drowned off New South Wales. Jesus.

So we're really hanging our hat on the 78 grandchildren. Yeah. After the massacre in New Zealand, and especially the Fanguaroa Harbor, we're seen as a dangerous place full of cannibals. The Maori became feared. When Samuel Marston arrived in 1814 to establish his church missionary society, tensions between the two tribes were still simmering.

He invited the chiefs from the Fanguaroa and the Bay of Islands to board a ship and gave them gifts and asked them to ensure peace between their people. Eden. Eat that, motherfucker. By peace, I mean a piece of your rib. I thought you said Eden? And I was like, oh, Christianity, it's all coming back.

You know, it's like, oh, Christian reference. I'm on board. You know, sorry, eat them. Yeah. Marston said, quote, each chiefs lived the other and then went around to each one pressing their noses together. They also assured him that they would never harm another European. That doesn't happen.

There, Marston learned the truth about what had happened and that Tapahi was incorrectly blamed for the void. He went about trying to clear the name of Tapahi, but Captain Barry was convinced he had been there from the beginning and had given the signal for the attack. Barry also alleged Tapahi had gotten the five passengers down from the mast in order to get them on land so they could be killed. So we've got to get them down.

Someone's got to do it. They got to stay out there forever. Yeah, but so, so this. So it's Barry. Let's get Captain Barry. Captain Barry. Yeah, so he was just kind of a dick a little bit. There was a travel advisory for some Europeans.

The void incident put New Zealand in the avoid if at all possible category. Really? A pamphlet circulating in Europe warn sailors off the cannibal aisles. Touch not that cursed shore lest you these cannibals pursue. We still that we still tell that to Americans to this day. And we still can't. So bold. Wait a minute.

Aren't we having dinner after this? You bastards! So in the end, there was one guy arguing that Tapahi had done it when he really hadn't. Right. When he was trying to help. Well, that was fucking crazy. What happened to the lady in the house who was saving up for a good day? Oh, they never went back.

She's still there. It's my husband here. Hello. She is in mint condition. Hello. Boy, that is crazy. When you were when you were selecting stories for New Zealand, were there a few that you sort of had to whittle down or?

Well, what about you in the tree, but it didn't have enough meat on the bottom? Yeah, so there were three. Okay, gotta save them. One, yeah. I'll probably do one again another time, but it's a fascinating story about a mayor that, I don't know what city it was in, but he's the first. Lee and Brown? The first out.

There's this little story there. It was the first outed gay guy really in New Zealand, and it doesn't go well. Well, I didn't know that story either. It's fascinating. Well, we just did one. Let's everybody calm the fuck down. But there were also there were like two other ship incidents that were like this, that just went fucking crazy.

Ship incidents. Yeah, yeah. What I do like is that it feels even-ish at points in the story. Which we rarely actually hear this sort of, like that's sort of what we were saying a couple days, like the way the white people took over America, there wasn't, I mean, they just went all in. Yeah, we went all in.

There's some escalation going on where it's like- It's all back and forth. Yeah, a little bit. I mean, I know it's not a pillow to put your head on, but- There's actually, and there's an amazing New Zealand film called Utu. Oh, there is. The Must Watch. That's real kickass.

Okay. It's not about this. It's another Utu. Okay. Do you mean YouTube? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sorry.

It's a great New Zealand film. You should check out. It's called The Hobbit 2. It's very similar to this. I think we know that one. But the Māori were fucking badass fighters, and they were like the, like in America, we had some tribes like the Nez Piers,

who were the same thing where the whites rolled in, and they were like, oh, these guys are good at fighting, and they would just get fucking killed. But I also like the idea that it all comes from like balance. Like that there's something about, they were trying to, I mean, granted, they went, you know,

deep in the barbecuing, but it is responding to like, unsolicited violence, right? Yeah. It was responding to the flu, wasn't it? Or the flogging in there? More of the flogging. I mean, I guess probably both,

but the flogging to me is the one where it's like, you just, you know, it's a fucking, what the fuck? You beat the shit out of a guy. I mean, it's going to piss off people who like him. Yeah. At the end, they, at the end. And you can't be upset at the retaliation. Be like, no, come on, I was just hitting him.

It's like, well, get in the barbecue, motherfucker. That's how we do it. Sorry, bro. They, I forgot what I was going to say. I think you were going to say what I said, which is get in the barbecue, motherfucker. It's the catchphrase of New Zealand. Besides hugging the tree.

Throw another man on the barbie. We actually have a famous butcher chain here in New Zealand called the Mad Butcher. And I somehow feel like this is somehow related. Yeah. So we had our main celebrities in New Zealand, like literally, there's like two main ones. One is a wizard.

And the, like actually down, down south. An actual wizard. An actual wizard. Like that's all he's on TV for. It's like, this is a wizard. This is what he's got to say. The other one. What the fuck does that even mean?

Our other main. Well, what does he have to say? Don't worry about it. He's a wizard. The other main one, our other main celebrity. What is he like? The goblins are coming. Is it Gandalf?

Our other. No, he's just the wizard. That's not sure. The other main celebrity we have is a butcher. What in the fuck is happening? He's mad and he's called the Mad Butcher. And he's our main guy. And by mad, we mean racist.

He's a racist butcher who sells meat. Yeah. It's a real downfall. Well, it's good to hear he's franchising. Things get really weird on islands. Yeah. Yeah, it's not in the extra. Oh, we also have Lorde.

She's normal. She's fine. The one with the rings? We've got two. We've doubled down on Lorde. Good. Oh, I see what you did there. What do you have in America?

Transformers and Donald Trump. Good shit. By the way, Michael Payton. You see them wins again, motherfuckers. Yeah, I think you guys might have the last laugh on this one. Yeah, but all the crazy American rich people are coming here to escape the end times. So you're going to.

So we're going to turn American to New Zealand, motherfuckers. Once we get out the Americans, the chilies are going to hang back. I got an argument with an American in our A guy down in in Chicago just the other day. Oh, that's so weird. They're usually so fucking cool. I was like. National Respect Association.

I was like, do you not feel like maybe America needs a little bit of gun control? I don't mean to preach to him. He started the topic and he was like, oh, you don't hear about 37 people were stabbed in China, but the anti gun lobby is suppressing that information, stuff like that. Yeah. And then I go, you sound like a crackpot, mate.

And he's like, why don't call you a lefty wanker? And I was like, well, you just did. And he was like, no, I didn't. So now if you look at this from the NRA, if you want to insult someone, just say, I don't call you an asshole and then they can't take offense to it. Right. Because you didn't call them that. No, the knife gun argument is always one that ends well.

One of my best, like few and best Facebook moments was when someone was just like going off about how, you know, guns at that shooting in Orlando. If it was, you know, it wouldn't have mattered. And I was like, well, what if it was knives? Do you think 58 people would have died? And he's like, well, probably not 58. I was like, OK, pretty clear that I won this. Great. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Give it up for Guy and David. Check out Tickle.

I think we're going to go out there in the front. Yeah, we'll be out there. We'll be out there in the front selling posters or whatever we do. I don't know what we do. Who knows what we do. Thank you guys so much. It's great to be here. We appreciate it. Truly.