The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 311 - Total Badass Larcena Pennington

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynold's examine the insane journey of Larcena Pennington. SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. You're listening to the dollop! This is a bi-weekly American History podcast each

week. I drinker of seltzer, looker of iPads, juke driver, Dave Anthony, read the story from American History. It's his friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is gonna be about. I'm the fucking hippo guy. My name's Gary. Is it for fun? And this is not gonna become the tickly clock guy. I'm a five-part coefficient. Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep though hippo! Actualy a part. Gareth we have a special guest. People missed him Dave. For those people who are watching.

Let's turn that off. We have a special guest. Another person from Gareth's life. It is Jose. Jose go ahead and say something. Say hola Jose. Jose's in the studio looking really happy. Say hola. He's a natural. Talk. Talk. Talk. Well I'll tell you what. Bringing a cat in. Well this is just for the people who missed him Dave. And here he is. I'm over it. Okay me too. That was a good get him right up in the camera. Let the people see Jose. Let the people see the cat. Oh boy this is going great. That was great. Put him back in his tank. The cat obviously lives in a

tank. It's a heavy cat seal thing. I was watching Planet Earth with Dave Attenborough and they showed a young Jose swimming with dolphins. Okay I haven't watched the new Blue Planet yet. I'm very excited though. No I've got it ready. I was trying to get Finn to watch it but he kept trying to watch. You kept wanting to watch cartoons. Well okay that's I mean let him know it's his world. January 10th 1837. Oh boy that's a rough era. Larcena and Pennington. Who? Larcena. You can look at it right there. There's her name. Okay. Well I wish it was but that's not what it said when I looked it up.

Okay. She was born in Nashville Tennessee. Sure. She had eleven brothers and sisters. Okay. Because her parents liked to do it. Okay and she ended up with one good sister. Elias and Julia and were her parents. Larcena's grandfather had fought under George Washington at Valley Forge. Okay. Which you're a big fan of. I've always loved it there. One of your favorite battles. Top nine. Julia didn't last long after Larcena was born. She died within a year. Sure of course. Given birth so mom's out of the picture. Okay mom's gone. The family then moved to Texas where they live for a bit. Okay. But then it was decided they would move on again this time to California. Okay. Interesting run. To get there they would go

through southeastern Arizona which was not the safest place at the time. Or now. Or now. Yeah. I like when you add stuff that's like topical. Yeah. That's my role here. That was really good. I pepper in these topical moments. Yeah. By the way I've given up the jokes and characters. I know. People know about that. They figured it out. Two paragraphs in. The land had just been. I'm sorry. Am I not stepping it up enough for you. The land had just been quote purchased from Mexico. Oh man imagine purchasing that from Mexico. You're probably like you know what you'd be like. You'd be like the reverse Donald Trump. You'd be like we want you guys to build a wall and we'll pay for it. We're going to go ahead and wrap this up. The gas dam purchase it was

purchased after the United States basically you know one beat up Mexico and then we're like hey what do we buy this. Okay. The Spanish and Mexicans had called the area Apacheria. Sure. After the Native American tribe that had made it a nightmare to try to settle there. Okay. Sure. But Americans will settle anywhere and rich guy Charles Poston reached an agreement with a powerful Apache chief that allowed the miners and lumberjacks who worked for him to work in the area safely. Okay. So he strikes a deal. I would imagine he paid them off somehow because he's a rich guy. Right. Well that's how it works. As far as I know. And used to. And then Poston pushed secretary award Jefferson Davis to provide troops to protect his guys that he just made an

agreement with the Apaches for their safety. So he's doubling down. Right. Okay. The old double down. Yeah. Right. Okay. He's just cover all his bases. Right. So the Sonora Exploring and Mining Company made its headquarters at an abandoned Spanish Presidio in Tupac in 1856. In Tupac. Tupac. Tupac. Tupac. Tupac. Yeah. Like. Like Tupac. It's where he's from. Is it where Tupac is from. Yeah. Interesting. Tupac was born in the desert in Arizona. Interesting. Okay. All right. I'm liking this. Deseret. Okay. So and then as he had asked for troops to come, Fort Buchanan was built just to the east of Tupac. Sure. This is. It was isolated. It had no walls but it did bring in new settlers because just because they figured they'd be protected. No

walls. Any walls. There were no walls. It was just sounds like a house. Okay. Sure. I tried to find pictures of it but there's no pictures. Because why would you take pictures of something with no walls. What are you taking a picture of a house. Take pictures of houses with no walls. Yeah. That's what I would do. So there's no like load bearing areas. Load bearing. Okay. I mean why would I speak up with this attitude. Want to see the lumberjacks. Sure. You know I do. Here's Arizona lumberjacks at the time. Oh wow. Okay. I'm sure that wasn't a dangerous job then. No Arizona lumberjack. No you're totally fine. No any lumberjack before the 1900's was loving it. Yeah. It's I mean that's still a very dangerous job Dave. Yeah. Be serious like I said I've I'm here for

just color commentary. My dad's a lumberjack. So soon Jack Daniels. Bad show soon cattle and crops were popping up and by the end of 1856 around a thousand people had settled nearby. Okay. Right. Yep. The Chiro Waka Apache raiding parties would ride past without bothering the miners ranchers lumberjacks and farmers on the way to raids in Sonora. It's because he made a deal right. Right. Post and felt he had found heaven quote we had no law but love and no occupation but labor no government no taxes no public debt no politics it was a community in a perfect state of nature. Well Dave I mean shall we end on a high note because it feels like this is pretty good. Nothing happens after this. No no great nope. Three miles to the east was the

Senuit settlement it was made of seven ranches. The census of 1860 listed 51 Americans in the Valley named as farmers laborers a cook a clerk a shoemaker a lawyer a printer and one man labeled an idiot. Whoa why why why do they in the census. Wait that's someone decided or the man decided that's just the census worker called him. So maybe the guy was like I'm the idiot. Hello I'm Todd I'm an absolute idiot. I'm actually a fucking idiot. Yeah we were wondering should we both be here. He's a fucking idiot and I'm just a total idiot. I smile at apples. And I obviously put apples down my pants. Again I'm Todd. I have a fucking idiot. And this is a fucking idiot. So lot of crossover. So American women started making their way into the valley. That included the

Pennington girls. OK. Because most of the most of the people there are men. Right. So now American women start coming in. Right. Now the Pennington girls they remember they were going to make the way to California that family. Right. But then they stopped at Fort Buchanan in June 1857 because a Larsena came down with a fever. OK. So they're in Arizona now because she has a fever. Yeah so they stopped to get a little bit of help. You want to see a picture of her. Sure. She is a butte. OK. As they say in the business. Sure. Actually very for back then the pictures we usually see. Yeah. Well it's really hard to tell the attractiveness of anyone from that time because like everything's just a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. Like she I mean she looks like she's like a doily's

eating her. I know it took a lot. And she has like Superman curls up for a long time to take pictures I believe back then. Maybe I'm wrong. No that's what that was not the deal. You had to hold still for like yeah you had to hold still for ages. I don't know how long that went on but two days. Two days. You blinked and you ruined the picture. I'm sorry father I'll try again. So while Larsena healed in the fort the Apache stole a bunch of Elias's oxen so her dad's oxen get stolen. OK. That's not good for the whole situation. Right. So this forced Elias to halt the journey to California and he settles down with his 12 kids on the Santa Cruz River close to Mexico. So this is when you're moving based on theft. Yeah. I mean what are you going to do.

Well we live here. Yeah. That's exactly what happened. OK. Yeah. Done. The family dug irrigation ditches and planted crops. They sold the crops to the soldiers and the miners and the Apaches left the family alone. After they'd stolen all their. Well after they stole the oxen. All right. We're cool now. Now we're all good. Now we are cool. So you know they're stuck there. It's been a couple of years. OK. You want to see Apaches. Apaches are one of the bad ass bad ass. Good vibe too. So he has eight daughters in an area where there aren't a lot of ladies to go around. Should we be doing this. He's holding. You know I'm talking about. He's holding. He's. Oh you mean he's holding like. Yeah. I'm sure. I mean he's got to be. That's got to be like trying to keep like raw

meat away from puppies. That's a good description. I don't know if anything's changed. There's a couple of girls. OK. So British soldier Dr. John Hall arrived in the Santa Cruz Valley in the summer of 1857 and went to a party at the ranch and reported about the women quote but few ladies American graced the party but those present were the bells of the valley good looking and true specimens of frontier coquettes. See it does sound like a bachelor spinoff like this is like a bachelorette spinoff. Well woman kind white by that he meant are scarce in Arizona. So all the young squatters present were deeply smitten. Oh boy. That's just so she's that well like one of the sisters and I it's not going great for her but she's she's hot.

The lesson lesson is hot. Right. She's she's the hottest. OK. In the area. All the soldiers and minors are after her and she ended up marrying John Page on Christmas Eve in two in Tucson in 1859. OK. John was said to be handsome and one of the wildest men in the valley. He came to Arizona with a famous gunman named Bill Ake and after they were married John took a Larsina to live on a ranch on the Santa Cruz River. Larsina would tuner the owner's ward which tutor the owner's ward. It's you know so a ward is like you bring someone in and I don't know exactly what it is but someone's going to yell at me on Twitter. OK. So he there was a widow. She has she's a Mexican. She has a 10 year old girl. So he brings her in to like care for her

and and teach her. Sure. Yeah. Sure. So the ranch owner's name was William Kirkland. He is he's a rich richy Richmond. Kirkland Kirk Kirk Kirkman or Kirkland. Oh well I have to it could have changed with the thing fanning captain. I think it's Kirkman John Kirkland. So the girl's name is Mercedes. That was early. Yeah. Can I ask a dummy question. Totally. I'd never was a Mercedes. I couldn't find anything about her and I was like how was her a girl named Mercedes. Off of the car. We're from here. By the way I just saw I just saw an ad on TV. Oh here we go. You get fired up when you see ads on TV. People are packing stuff like there's an emergency. Right. Everyone's being told to evacuate and they're packing stuff into

an SUV VW VW type thing Volkswagen. Sure. And then they're like oh we have more room more room more room and then by the time they finish packing there's so much room in the car that everyone's already left and then they're just driving out and they show a missile fucking flying over the car. Sorry. This is a commercial. Like I could not the hilarity of nuclear war is back. Didn't you think that this shift to like accepting our demise would have a little more fight to it. Like I just expected the Morgan Freeman there's a meteor headed towards earth kind of like hey what are we going to do. I'm going to do heroin and have sex one more time you know or whatever like your last minute thing. But instead we're sort of now like in this middle ground where we're

like I mean it feels like the checks in the mail. Am I wrong. We're going to go down. All right. So Mercedes is she's 10. Larissa is teaching her how to speak English on the ranch. John works for the ranch owner but then he also goes to work as a lumberjack through 10 miles east. There's a lot of mosquitoes in the area and soon Larissa becomes ill again. Oh boy she's got a little malaria. Well a lot of people at the time came down with something they didn't know but now we know it is valley fever. OK. It was decided Larsena would be better off breathing air in the mountains away from the swampy valley fever means what you just are like valley fever is a really fucked up thing. It can be I think it's like a fungal thing

and it can get into you if you have like an immune problem you can die from like it's really gnarly. It's in the it's in the Central Valley of California. OK. It's bad. OK. But most people get over it but some people don't basically. OK. So this is March 15th 1860. They take her up into the mountains. Larsena and Mercedes were put into an ox cart supply wagon headed for the lumber camp that John works at. Mercedes went along because Larsena was teaching her English and she wanted to still keep learning English lessons must have taken a turn a little bit. I'm dying. I am dying. I'm dying. I am dying. It's hot in here hot in here. I'm hot. Are you hot. I am hot. Are you hot. I'm sweat. I'm sweating.

I'm sweat sweating. My eyes are throbbing eyes throbbing and I'm sweating in here. Yeah. My eyes are throbbing. I can't see. I'm seeing stars. See stars in here. I have diarrhea. I have diarrhea. Call help. Call help. Call help. So Kirkland was worried. So she's a parent. Yeah. She's not smart. OK. So Kirkland is worried, you know, because it's Apache territory. So he sends a ranch hand along with him. This guy Randall to ride along. Kirkland also sent a rocking chair and feather bed as wedding gifts. OK. Sure. While the agreement with the Chirawaka Apaches kept them from attacking the ranches, other Apache bands north had no such agreement. So the group camps about two miles away from the

lumber camp destination at night in the morning. They ate breakfast early and then John went ahead to get to work. Right. So he's got to work. He figures Randall and the ladies will come up later and then Randall decides he sees a deer and he starts tracking the deer to kill it because he wants to have that for dinner. Sure. And Mercedes and Larsenna waited. So now someone who's dying from mosquitoes in a 10-year-old are waiting. Right. Cool. In the patch. You're not setting up anything. No. In Apache territory. OK. So Mercedes is playing outside and Larsenna is in the rocking chair. I'm dying. He's sitting in the rocking chair in a tent. OK. Oh, she's got one of those little like, or just like a regular tent. I'm picturing like a little mosquito. I don't

think it's right. No. No. It's not that fancy. Like a veil. No. A body veil. OK. So then she heard Mercedes screaming. Interesting. Moments later an Apache burst into the tent and Larsenna reached for a pistol but he grabbed her and yanked her out of the tent. Mercedes tried to run to Larsenna but another Apache grabbed her. All together there were five Apaches. They were armed with lances and bows and arrows. Four were young and one was old. He spoke a bit of Spanish and he told Larsenna that they had killed John as he was drinking from a stream. Now, so this means they've been watching them. Right. Right. So Larsenna started screaming for help and then one of the Apaches pushed a spear into her breast and she stopped screaming. Ah.

Because that'll do it. OK. When you say that you're just talking about the sort of like the push of pressure. He didn't actually puncture. No. I think it was like what I do in a bar. It's like a threatening. What you do in a bar? You just said like what I do in a bar. Yeah. I carry a spear. What? So what? Nothing. That's why I don't go to bars anymore. Yeah. So the Apaches go through all this stuff in the camp and they're looking for anything good to take. Right. OK. Sure. And they couldn't carry much because they were on foot. So they cut the bags of flour that they had brought and they slashed up the feather bed. OK. Which is just fucking bullshit. Like I don't care what sort of sort of genocidal shit is going on. Leave feather beds out of it. Feather

beds are fucking awesome. Dow is Dow. Down. Did you have a misspelling in your head? Yeah. Did I tell you about the time when I took a summer break and I came back from summer break and I spelt of OV. I was like at sixth grade and I was like that can't be right. I was like looking down. I was like I mean I know it's right but feels off. OK. So they're just they're just destroying for no reason other than to just kind of be like hey. Yeah. Well I mean they're not happy about whatever is going on in the territory. So so they take what they can carry and then they march Larsena and Mercedes north toward their camp. OK. Randall comes back at noon after. How is everyone down that deer. Couldn't find him.

Hey guys. He ran away. Oh hello. Now what happened to the flour in the bed. Hey where is everyone. He sees obviously there's a problem he runs to get John and the other lumberjacks. John jumps on a horse and rides as fast as he can back to Kirkland's ranch. So John's cool. We're John's dad but he was fine. Yeah. Well they just said that. So not among everything else. They're fibbers. They're lying. So he gets to the ranch and tells Kirkland what happened and then a message is sent to Fort Buchanan and then John and other ranch hands get fresh horses and went back to find the Apache's trail. OK. Right. So he alerts out they're on the trail. Now Larsena marked the

trail as the Apache's marched her off. She would break twigs and she would tear off pieces of her apron and drop them. OK. Apron great. Twigs. What. I think she's this way. There's more twigs. There's twigs everywhere John you idiot. But freshly broken twigs might be these are freshly snapped twigs. Look they just snapped these. They're this way. John's an idiot right. John's over here. Look more leaves. They were here. John. A bird in the sky. Not going to fool me bird. They're close. I can tell by the clouds. Larsena tries to tell Mercedes what she's doing and for her to do it too. But Apache heard them talking and he separates them. Jesus. OK. And then he takes a gun that hurt the gun he had taken from her at the tent and he points

it at her head. OK. And he starts taunting her which I mean. Tough position. She's fucking what you do in that situation. It's just tough if you're the person with the gun being you know being taunted at you because it's like I'll negotiate if this one pointed at me but it seems like you just want to have fun. Girls. Just. No. Larsena. Mercedes. Sorry. Mercedes starts to sob because she's 10. Sure. They do that. And then one of the Apaches picked up Mercedes put her on his shoulders and marched up the hill. And in the end they decided to spare Larsena's life and they can they kept walking. Now. Mercedes. They they're ahead. Just ahead of the group. Now Larsena was she's still members. She's getting over the illness. She's got the illness.

So she's already weak and then now they're getting tired of her slowing them down. Right. OK. Well she is spending most of her time tearing aprons and throwing twigs. Right. She's preoccupying. What a weak apron. So yeah. I love that she has an apron on. That she's yeah apron. Always ready for cooking. She's always ready for cooking. Are we cooking. Are we cooking. She's in the mountains dying from from valley fever. And don't forget for when you're better keep the apron. It'll be a quicker transition to cooking. Who wants biscuits. You shouldn't be cooking right now. But I think we'd all love around. Is what blue. Blue apron. Oh fuck nicely done. We should have done that.

Aaron. It's blue apron. So. Better get an extra bag of croutons for that. She's got a long dress on which is great for hiking. And then at sunset the group stops on top of a ridge at the edge of a cliff. And the Apache who had been keeping an eye on the rear you know see what's going on. I mean it's following him. Comes up and says the white men are coming after them. They're on the trail. OK. So the oldest Apache motioned for Larsena to take off her dress. Interesting. No. She strips down to her under garment which is basically she's just got a slip on at this point. He's doing. OK. I think we're going to do some photo photo shoot. Oh it's a whole spread. OK. Got you.

All right. If we're going to get this calendar we got to move now. Let's go. I need 12 different fucking looks boys. Come on. So a second Apache then took her shoes. OK. She was then told to walk forward and when she took a step she was speared in the back. She fell sideways down the cliff. She heard Mercedes scream and the Apaches whoop. So there's like there's like differing. Sure. There's different emotions going on. Yeah. It's like a group. It's like an away game. But her fall was stopped by a small pine tree. OK. So she falls about 17 18 feet and then gets stuck with a spear still. No. They just stabbed. Oh they just stabbed. Yeah. It went in and out. I got it. I brought so you can see what

they what their spears look like. OK. So they're pretty pretty tight. Fun. Pretty rad. Looks like it went through some spaghetti. She got stabbed by that. Yeah. That one. That was during that. That one's taken from the spaghetti wars. Oh. Very familiar. So they see that she fell down and got stuck. So two Apaches climbed down and then they repeatedly stab her in the back with their lances their spears. OK. Then one grabbed a big stone and smashed her in the face. OK. So safe to say. Let's just say we're moving on from her. She's out. Right. She's just out. Yeah. So the Apaches left and they took Mercedes and they took the dress. Oh these devils. I don't know where you're gone but maybe they just were looking to put on a play like a Shakespeare thing. Wait a minute.

We are doing Goldilocks. We will now do Goldilocks. One of them put on Larson's shoes. This maze is far too hot. I cannot eat all this maze and this maze over here is far too cold. I also can't eat this. No it's Goldilocks. However this maze in the middle. This maze is perfect. Is this supposed to be Shakespeare? Is Goldilocks not Shakespeare? So one of the Apaches puts on Larson's shoes. OK. Just after sunset Larson. I mean they're playing by a different set of rules I feel like already. They're like operating on another level right now. Yeah. Totally. 100%. Like while the Lumberjack people and John are just like she went this way they're like be her and we will fool them. So she comes to right after sunset and she heard John and the other men up on the top of the ridge.

But because it was getting dark they couldn't see her so she tried to call out but she was way too weak and then Joss saw her footprints moving up the hill and they took off in pursuit. OK. And as they moved off she slipped back into unconsciousness. OK. So word by now. Not dead yet. Well I mean it's not great. It's not great. Word by now had reached the fort. 45 men were sent 17 of whom were trackers mostly Apache. OK. They met up with a civilian posse that came from Tucson and as they followed the Apache tracks they realized the Apaches had split into two groups. Mercedes also had now started dropping pieces of clothing on the trail. OK. So the soldiers for damn it. It's just a fashion bug. So the soldiers from the fort

had been fighting with a group of Apaches who lived in Aravipa Canyon. So everyone assumed those were the Apaches who had taken Larsena and Mercedes. Right. OK. The US soldiers were holding some prisoners at the fort. So they made those Apaches the trackers. They forced them to. OK. So when they arrive at the Aravipa Canyon the captain gave one of the Apache prisoners a horse. OK. And told him to go in and negotiate for the release of Larsena and Mercedes. Interesting. OK. So he said they would wait eight days and if he didn't come back by then then they would go to Fort Buchanan and kill all of the other Apaches he was holding there. OK. That's quite a long negotiation stretch. What is that. Is that a proper limit to be

there. I don't know. That's just a super long. I mean if you're that one dude you're like OK I'll see you later. Eight. Did you. Did you mean eight. Did you. That's right. Eight days. We're not idiots. We're going to give you eight days to close this deal and then we will start killing. You can see it though. It's right. I know. Well we figure the first day you want to get comfortable in the second third day jet lag might be a thing you're dealing with. Fourth and fifth days obviously we'll well I mean we don't want you to jump it right away. Grease the palms a little. Day six maybe you bring it up or day seven. But by day eight we expect something out of you. And no running away. Even though eight days is a crazy amount

of time for you to have on your own in Canada in eight days exactly. I was just about to say you could easily make it to Canada. Thanks for the horse make it. I mean surely you could be on a ship of some kind somewhere else and that's right. We've given you a horse. So by the way I hate everyone in the prison. They're all dicks. Well that's that's how we're sweetening the pot and would you rather nine to 10 days. I feel like you're pushing back. All right we'll give you 11 days. Then we expect you to be right back here. That's 13 days from today friend. So a few days later the prisoner comes back. By the way that's the captain. Good luck. A prisoner. I mean what are your options back then you're like I'll go with what's

happening. What's your style. I just don't do anything. A few days later the prisoner came back and said the Aravipa Apaches did not have the females. Okay. But they knew who did they knew which tribe did. Okay. And they could negotiate with them for the girl but that the woman had already been killed. Okay so this is reliable information from what we know. Now for their trouble in doing the negotiation they wanted two prisoners released and they wanted some goods some you know shit to have. Okay. So now now widow John right heads back. So she did pass. And that's what he just found out. So everyone on everyone's on board with the exchange quote there was no hesitating about a ceding to the Indians terms. One sided as they were

and every effort was immediately put forth to carry the agreement into effect. So everyone's everyone's like on board get Mercedes back. By any means necessary right. So with the two prisoners the captain headed into the Aravipa Canyon. Apparently what they found was quite shocking quote the San Pedro River Bank was literally swimming with Indians. I never saw so many in my life. Okay that's interesting. So what's the play. So the prisoner exchange goes forth. Mercedes ran into now it's this Kirkman. I hope I didn't screw this up anyway. Mercedes runs in a they do the old you walk at the same time as we you know they release in the same time. Okay. So she the little girl runs into Kirk Kirkman's arms and told them she was hungry.

Those are her first words. Yeah I'm hungry. Okay. Then the group of whites left as quickly as it possible they got the fuck out of there and they rode back to Tucson. Two days later they got there and the whole town celebrated church bells ringing everyone comes out Mercedes is given back to her mother. Then they hold a military ball and the captain and Mercedes are the guests of honor. No one knew that Larsena was still alive. Oh geez. Damn it. So she woke she wakes up in a snow bank. She's still not bank. Yeah. She's still lodged against the tree on the cliff. She melts snow in her hand to drink and to wash her stab wounds. Smart. But most of the stab wounds are on her back which she couldn't reach. Right. Her blonde hair is now a mass of

clotted blood. Cool. Yeah. Also a good look though. Yeah. This is this is when she joins a band metal. Right. Norwegian death metal. Right. She didn't know how long she had been unconscious just fucking lay in there. Okay. No idea. So the sun is shining which helps her get warm. She's pretty close to naked as we said. Right. Right. Aside from the slip and now because she's on the edge of a cliff she was able to look out and figure out where she was. Worst place to have a slip is the edge of a cliff. What kind of slip. Keep going. So she looks out and she sees a butte that she knows which has another name but it's also called orphan butte. She recognizes that butte. Yeah. It's a tiny fucking hill but for some reason she that one I think because it's out in the middle

of nowhere it's just a little thing. So yeah she recognizes that. Okay. I mean there's such there's so little to like remember in this time that you're like I remember that lump. It's like an downhill. I remember it. So that from that landmark she can get her sense of direction. Okay. So Lucetta was able to climb up. Two weeks to climb up. I'm sorry she's two weeks to climb up right. So she decides to slide down. You're talking about the side of wherever she is the side of the right ridge. Okay. So each inch brought her tons of pain. When she made it down to the end of the edge of the cliff whatever it is she passes out and wakes up the next morning. Good. I mean as terrible as this is these are got to be great sleeps. I bet you there's nothing

like the before death kip. You know where it just I'm like literally you don't know what day it is that's a sleep. What day is it. Yeah. Yeah. I slept 31 hours. I mean I feel really rested but I'm dying but my god. I never showed you where the cool Indian the this is the canyon or the oh wow where all the all the the huge tribe was. Oh wow. Fucking rad. Yeah. I want to go there. That'd be pretty slick intimidating. Oh okay. So she's in she's in like a pretty wooded area now. It's called Madera I think. Sure. Madera Canyon. So it's pretty wooded. It's hilly. It's you know it's not like you would think of Arizona. So she's in a huge glassy and yeah she's in like a predicament. Yeah there's snow and it's there's mountains and there's a lot of trees. I mean

even like looking at that like the idea of like being alone in an area like where I mean there's just nothing. No there's nothing. Like your plan is like okay yeah I'll crawl for the end of my life. Yeah I mean there there is fucking nothing where she is. She's just out in the little nowhere. No cell reception. No cell phones not working at all. So like I said she passes out wakes up the next morning. Sun wakes her up again. Every morning she wakes up and the sun heats her up and then she gets going. So she's now able to pull herself up and she leans against the tree. There's she looks there's a valley below her. She's like kind of on the foothills I guess of the mountains. There's no water in the valley below. So she decides she's gonna stay in the mountains

because there's still snow around that hasn't melted because of the shade from the trees. Okay. So using orphan butte to guide her she started walking but her shoes have been taken by the apaches. So she's stepping on rocks thorns and harsh brush. She also doesn't she also has the valley disease. She's also got the valley disease. So she she walks a short distance and then she collapses. Okay. But she keeps on going. She lost track of how many days she was on the move. The sun would wake her up in the morning and then burn her during the day. Larsena was very fair skinned she would melt snow in her hands to drink. She would eat grass and seeds and berries and one time came across some wild onions. That was a big day. Oh god. But you know things are bad when you're

like oh yes onions. Her breath must just be a fucking nightmare. Already bad but then when you're just like eating onions like apples you're like ah. Yeah. I mean if someone found it they'd be like whoa. Okay. Now I gotta go. I gotta go. Good lord. After a short time her feet were just completely fucking sausage like they just cut up onion and sausage. Now that's a meal pebbles is hopefully this is her like producer pebbles because she was walking had worked her way under the skin through the open wound. So now there's like there's like little pebbles stuck in her feet. So now she can't walk. So she starts crawling. Okay. Okay. And sometimes she would get enough courage to walk on all fours like an animal so she's also

scurrying like it. Oh. It's beautiful. Well I don't know what it is but it smells like onions. One day. I don't know what it walks like a bear and it stinks like onions. So one day she comes across this big looking nest of dried grass and she looks at it and she's like that fucking looks amazing. She she crawls inside and holy shit it's comfortable it's warm. She's about to fall asleep when she realized she was kicking it in a bear den. Oh god. Jesus. So she crawled away as fast as she could. Oh I mean yeah this is Goldilocks. And then a little ways away she used her hands to scratch a hole in the sand and so instead of sleeping like a bear she slept like a badger. Much worse.

Once you've had that bear like. Oh my god. It's true. I mean she went from first class to coach. Totally. 100%. How would you like to stay in the toilet? I mean you're talking about a hibernating den. No it's. Look at that. Look at Direct TV. Den you're just in shit. Yeah. But she she couldn't lie down. Okay right because we're back. So because yeah one's on her back so she would sleep on her knees and elbows. Oh god. And then she would keep waking up dreaming of food. Sometimes she would think she could see it and she would reach out to grab. I woke myself up again. Grabbing for food. Rock or something. It's always fun when you're sleeping like a wheelbarrow dreaming of peaches that you can't touch.

So like I said she's gone through the mountains. This meant it was harder than if she was just on you know a flat surface. Sure. So Lysena would crawl up a steep ridge and then lose her balance and she'd slide back down. One day she made negative progress because she slid further down than where she started in the morning. That's gotta be tough. That's a tough day right there. I mean that's a hope killer. Oh dude. I mean these are everything so far is kind of a hope killer like these people who are able to do stuff like this work on another mental like level you know. But yeah we all know that sensation of work falling apart but when your life depends on it. Yeah. Sliding past where you started like no. This is different than writing when you go I gotta

scrap the whole thing. Yeah. Page one. Or no like when it didn't save for two minutes and you're like I gotta go back to there. Good. Now imagine that's your body and it's stabbed. So because she was crawling and basically had no clothes on the skin on her arms and leg was now legs were now destroyed. The skin was peeling away but still she goes on. She crawled during the day on her blood raw limbs and curled up into a ball to sleep at night during freezing weather. Okay. As you do. So it's pretty hot. Yeah. No this sounds fine. Pretty hot store. One morning after the sun warmed her up she got up and looked out and realized she was on a ridge. She she looked down and saw a road that led to a lumber camp. Oh boy. And then she heard voices.

Oh boy. Oh my god. Voices. And soon soon an ox team being driven by two men is rolling by. So she screams. Had stakes. I'm a bunch of stakes with a head. But she had so little strength she could barely muster a scream and they did not hear her. Oh no. No. The worst. Well Senator then tore off what was left of her slip and tied it to a stick and she waved it over and over and over again but the two men never looked in her direction. And soon they were gone. So she put the tattered slip back on and kept going. She's getting dressed again. Okay. And then she headed toward the lumber camp. I mean that is gutting. But she doesn't. Sliding past your starting point. I mean them being there

and you're like. Take off things waving it. But she also doesn't want to be out on the road because Apaches right. Oh my god. At this point. You're at the point now where you can do the fake I'm dead. Oh yeah for sure. Yeah that's the move right now. I mean just the smell alone. Oh yeah. Oh good. Someone killed her with onions. Good lord. So she figured there's about a mile or two away and she's crawling and so she crawls and she crawls. She doesn't get there. Night comes. She sleeps again. Geez. The next day she keeps crawling. And then she happened to find herself in the middle of her camp where she had been abducted by the Apaches. Okay. And there's flowered coffee all over the ground where they cut it up and thrown it.

And and all the feathers right from the feather bed. So Santa starts picking flour out of the feathers and she made little flower cakes. And then she saw that the men who had just gone by on the ox car the day before had stopped there and made a fire by the creek and it was still hot. Oh boy. So she blew life into it and got a fire going. And then using the water from the creek she made made the flowers into a flower into cakes and she ate them and went to sleep. Okay. Fucking killing it. Better. Awesome day. Awesome day. I just I'm still if I'm her on Monday I'm like thinking back to the fact that these guys rode past me. I mean I don't have skin but awesome. Yeah. Day. Yeah. Killer day. The next morning she wakes up but this time it's not because

the sun is shining on her it is because of the sound of axes hitting trees and men talking. So she crawled toward the trail that led up to the the pine reed. What is it going to take for someone to see her? Where John had been working right. So that's where she is. She's close to where they are. She's almost completely naked. Burn completely red. The burns are blistered right. She's been out in the sun so long that she's just a blistered red burnt mess. She's a skinny bag of bones because she hasn't eaten in two weeks or something and the skin is just hanging off like torn skin. I get it. I get it. I get it. Yeah. She's she's jerky. So there's a black cook named Hampton Brown at the camp and he has a white wife

and Brown is walking down the trail as Larcena is coming up. Okay. And so he looks and he sees this barely clothed white person with clumpy blonde matted hair. I think the hair color is blood at this point. Crawling. It's like a it's like a fucking like the ring. It's like some Japanese. Right. Right. So he thinks that she's a ghost. Okay. So she just cannot catch a break. And so he runs. You see me. So he runs back toward the camp and grabs his pistol. Oh no. And then he calls for all the other the lumberjacks there and he tells them what he saw. We're going to go kill a ghost. So they think they think that she's actually a squaw that has been kicked out for some reason. Okay. So not everyone's going with Hampton's ghost. They still all get guns because

you're like a fucking squaw. So so when they get there the ghost rasped out. She's like she says her name and they're like what the fuck. So Brown picks her up and carries her back to the camp at which I would imagine she's going out the hallway. Yeah. No skin. No skin. No skin. Hold me like I don't have skin. All right. We're going to float her down the river to where we are. So he takes her back. His wife starts to wash us her basically takes the pebbles out of the soles of her feet. Oh that's a Paul Simon song right. She's got pebbles in the soles of her feet. She pulls the thorns that are all in her skin and then her open meat parts and whatever she has. She cleans all the festering wounds that she had and she feeds her. And then after she dressed

Larsena in clean clothes I assume super carefully. I assume no socks clothes at this point. Well you still gotta you still gotta. Where's she going. She's in bed. Yeah but there's men around. Yes they just saw her. I know but you know cleaned up. I'm telling you if this is me you keep me nude and you just keep me in a bed and you keep cleaning my wounds and looking for pebbles. You're not surrounded by horny lumberjacks. The hell I'm not. So Larsena asked for a tobacco and went to sleep. She's a huge she loved chewing tobacco. I like I like what I'm hearing. That was her Jan. A little January Jones action. I like that. What was she saying something. Really. Okay. School. She went to school.

Well she had been believed dead for 16 days. Wow. One of the lumberjacks wrote as fast as he could to Kirkland's ranch. So John was in Tucson at this point and Kirkland gave the Loverjack a fresh horse and he kept on riding to Tucson. Now even though John had been told by the Apaches that Larsena was dead he never actually really believed it. So he was actually what was his theory. He was actually at this time. Well he just didn't trust them. Yeah. That they told the truth. So right. Okay. At this point he's preparing a third expedition to go look for her and then this lumberjack rolls in and tells him. John jumps on a horse and heads for the lumber camp and he brings a doctor with him and a friend. When they arrived they couldn't believe what they

saw. Hi honey. Oh my god. Hi. The friend later said quote what a sight emaciated beyond description her hands and knees and legs and arms a mass of raw flesh almost exposing the bones caused by crawling over the cruel rocks uphill and downhill. The doctor looked Lucina over and told John there was no hope for saving her. She would die but John wasn't about to give up. How the hell is that the diagnosis now? Well what do you mean? Well like she got through all of that with all this and now she's like found. Why is he like it's not looking good for it's like. Well he's basically looking like a Skeletor situation. She's been like Skeletor for over two weeks. Yeah but now he's. I'm just saying let's not bet against the Rocky Balboa of Mountain Crawling. I know but if you're a doctor

in this time you're like I don't know what to do. Did you give her chewing tobacco? So you gave her tobacco. You gave her some snuff. All right. Does anyone try to get more blood out of her? Coffee? Yeah I don't know what we should do but she's going to die if we're going to move it along. Scarer. Have you tried scaring her? She's definitely scarer. Nope then let's fill it with some of those feathers. We'll make a day of it. So John's not going to give up. He puts, let's send in a wagon, drives as carefully as he can down to Tucson. The doctor stays and back up there in the wagon and then keeps a watch over her back in Tucson. A traveling Englishman came to Tucson at this point and he described her as quote, sunken temples, the loops drawn so tightly over the

jaw that each tooth could be easily counted through them. Oh wow I mean it's hard to like, that's how you write. The arms scarcely larger than a man's thumb. Oh sweet god. And a continuous cry for food. So give her the food. Yeah seriously. Erin's looking at his thumbs. I looked at my thumbs. So she barely clings to life for several weeks and then somehow slowly starts to recover. Okay. But see the thing is when you go that long your organs start to shut down. Yeah that's problems. So for sure. When the friend who had accompanied him to the camp saw her later that summer he was quote, amazed at the blooming woman before me. Oh hello. Well she is back in sex shape is she not John? I don't like the way you're talking. I don't like the way you're

talking sir. Purely as a friend but she is very sex shaped now. Well I think, no no I'm not gonna, no I won't even do it on this basis. Nope. I'm going to masturbate. Well that obviously will allow. Her scars. Finish at the plant Harv. Wow. All her scars slowly healed. When he was better John took Larsena to a cabin he built near the mouth of the Madera Canyon. Okay. Where she was. There they could start their married life over. Okay. I'm all again. It's about 10 miles away from the ranch in Apache country. What are they doing that for? I don't fucking know. Why would you go back there? Why would you go to an isolated cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere when you were just in the Apache country? Do you remember the Apache experience? Yeah. Because it wasn't great.

I think I look back on the good times like the snow melting and the times I didn't slide past my beginning point of the day. You know what I remember best? What's that? Riverflower Cakes. Riverflower Cakes. By the way that's him making that call. That's not her. She's probably like, I don't think so. Oh come on. It's like lightning. It can happen to someone twice. On January 27th, 1861 the Aravipa Apache raiders attacked a ranch in the Sonneta Valley. They kidnapped the rancher's 11 year old stepson. The previous fort captain, right? The guy we saw earlier, he was gone now. He'd gone back east because the civil war is about to kick off. And a new inexperienced lieutenant was brought in to pursue the Apaches. So there's a new guy

there. Oh boy. Inexperienced. So he confronts Chiracawa Chief Cochise. Oh, what a name. Yeah. Cochise denied any involvement. So the lieutenant had several of Cochise's people taken hostage. Oh boy. I don't think, I don't think you mess with Cochise. No. And then I guess he didn't get what he wanted because the lieutenant had the hostages hung. I feel like this is going to take a turn. Well, now these are Apaches. So it turns out they're not into that and they're badasses. So a war was on. Okay. I'll start it by a fucking idiot. The Apaches struck all over ruthlessly. Warriors attacked the Santa Cruz Valley, killing 150 of the people on the ranches there. Okay. So at this point, bad policy. Bad. Yeah.

Bad call. Around this time, John Page took a second job escorting a wagon to Fort Breckenridge. He needs extra money because Lar Sena is pregnant. On February 20th, 1861, his party was watering their horses along Ewash when the Apaches attacked. Three of the men managed to escape. The rest did not. John was killed. When they found him, they found that his horse's throat was cut, but not by the Apaches. Turns out the men held off the natives for over a day and they killed the horse to drink its blood. Oh, sweet. Bastard. Why don't you wait three days? What? Three days before you drink a horse. God damn. You really. You don't drink a horse on day one. We're arguing about different shit right now. Okay. Give me a moment, sir. You knew this.

I can't imagine the idea. Like when you said basically the idea is that like in my head, the Apaches just let the throats just to be dicks or some version of that. Yeah. But the idea of the drink, it's blood. You were just near a river, right? Yeah. Well, but that's for strength. And also like how do you, it's not a Capri sun. Like it's got to be like, all right, everyone get your mouths under its neck. We can only do this waterfall once. Yeah. I mean, that really squirts out. Here we go. The way when I do it. So John is buried right where he's found. Then his handkerchief, his pocketbook, and a lock of his hair were brought to Larsenna by whoever was saying he was dead. Good news, bad news, Larsenna.

Um, he's dead, but look at, we got his kerchief. Here's his hair and hanky. Here's the pocketbook. And we took a part of him. The part from the top of the head. We were going to take a nose or an eye. So we didn't want to be graphic. So we reckon maybe we just give you a part of his hair. Here's some of his hair. Here you go. Anyway, congratulations. You can put it on that baby you got to raise alone. So you are single. All right. Which brings me to my next question. Our next question. We're looking to beat husbands with a wife. So Larsenna's father came for her and brought her to the family's home. So her sisters would take care of her. The family home is, it's, it's actually, I believe it's like a destination now, maybe. Well, it wasn't that.

Honestly, all I saw was the little shitty, like the dog. The gazebo. Oh, the gazebo. That's not a gazebo. Oh, come on. You're telling me you're not having tiki barbecues in there? So, um, in September, she, remember she was pregnant. So she gave birth to a kid, Marianne. Okay. My sisters take care of her. The civil war comes about. And so a lot of the soldiers are now moved out of Arizona. Okay. So the Penningtons are worried that the lack of military would lead the Apaches to becoming more bold. Sure. So the Stonehouse along the Santa Cruz was now in very dangerous territory. At one point, Apaches came and Larsenna had to flee with Marianne and hide in a fortified mine. At this, why does she not go far? Somewhere else?

Anywhere else? The fuck if I know? Who is just like kicking it in? Oh, there's a war on and there's Apaches. And oh, by the way, I can't defend myself against Apaches. Yeah. What the fuck am I doing? Yeah. So, okay. So she remains. The family now starts constantly moving from place to place. So they're hussaining it. They would do it in the business. 1864, they're in Tubaque and were the only people living there. Now, remember, this is where they're like 1000 people. The fort is nearby. Now they're the only people. Okay. Everyone else had left after an Apache attack in 1861. Larsenna's brothers now are always carrying rifles in case of an Apache attack. Around this time, both Larsenna and her daughter came down with smallpox. Oh, god, damn it. Good

Lord. So she survives, her daughter survives. Okay. And they even survived the cure, which was a strict diet of bread and water. That's how you got rid of smallpox? That's what a fucking idiot did to get a smallpox. I'd be like, cake, whatever you got, let's do this. But is the idea that like going down? Well, we believe this is caused by your sweet tooth. You've been getting a little thick. Yeah. So but is that that worked? Or it was cured from some other circumstance that it worked. Depending on the family did not fare well as a group. For years, they kept moving from town to town to work to find work and avoid Apache attacks. The men got jobs driving wagons and were gone for long periods. So the young boys in the family started carrying rifles that were longer

than them. Interesting. Interesting look. In 1867, one of Larsenna's sisters died of malaria. Okay. Another brother, Jack was killed by Apaches when they stole his ox. And eyebrows. And then he chased them. Oh, boy, come on. You know what I mean? You got to know when to fold them, bud. But his eyes are super close together, so. Wow, what a move. You there. Give that back. Oh, I'm dead. Oh, that was a bad idea. My life's done now. Whoops. In 1869, Larsenna's... Also, look at that collar. It looks like someone like broke his body. Yeah, he doesn't know how to turn his head. Yeah. Which way am I facing? In 1869, her father and another brother were killed by Apaches while working on the farm. Okay. The rest of the family then decided to move to California,

right? So they're doing it. It's all happening. Smart. Right on time, too. They're some Apache warriors. Oh, wow. Good lord. I mean, that's just fucking badass. That bad ass. The rest of the family goes to California, but they only made it 20 miles. Because then one of Larsenna's sisters came down with pneumonia. 20 miles in? They can't get in. They can't. They can't catch a fuck. But how long is that? I mean, this family should be called can't catch a break. What is that? Three days? Maybe. So she could do 20 miles in two days. Maybe. Yeah, they didn't make it. Very fast. Very, very fast. So she died. Time for bread and water. She died while they were looking for a doctor.

So now the only members of the Pennington family left are Larsenna and one of her brothers, who then he got the fuck out and he moved to Texas. But Larsenna totally stubborn, refuses to leave Tucson. Okay. She really likes Tucson. And she falls in love with a man who I don't have here. Upper left. Second husband. Second husband. His name is William Scott. He's a Scottish lawyer. Oh, you did a Scottish accent. Never forget when I met sweet Larsenna. He's a Scottish lawyer and judge. He's killing it. Yeah, just tie it in a knot and have you to date. They had two kids. Okay. She then went on to live a very quiet and happy life until her

death in 1913. Okay. So after all that shit, she just stuck there and married a Scott. Yeah. Mercedes did not live long. She got married at 18 to a county sheriff and died at 26 during childbirth. Okay. Their fourth child. So, wow. Anyway, that's the female Hugh Glass. Yeah. Right. Yes. Yeah. She's a fucking badass. Yes. Hugh Glass ceiling. Hugh. What? Huh? I felt like it might work on my head. Boy, that's crazy though. There really is. There's like a, I truly think, I mean, how do you think you fare in one of these positions? Like you're in a position where you're going to have to survive 16 days of just pretty much crawling and drinking snow. Do you make it? No. I try to jump off the cliff. I quit. Absolutely quit. Yeah. I'm off

the cliff. If you're seeing me in the, if you're seeing me in the large center of the Hugh Glass moment, what you're seeing is you're like, why is he chipping that big rock out? And then I get that big rock and you see me just start smashing my own head in as hard as possible. I, like, like I get trying to survive the first couple of days, but once you can't walk and then your, your legs and arms are raw, I'm like, oh, I get it. I get it. This isn't supposed to be happening. I get it. What's your sleeping as a wheelbarrow grabbing at fruit that you're dreaming about? No, you're just fucked. Hey, look at me. I'm meat. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, there's just, I don't know. I'm, my guess is that that is, if you, if you could hook humans up to it, you would

find that that's in like 1% of people. I can barely handle it when I don't have internet. Yeah. And I've seen you in such a situation. You do not handle it well. I don't. You start crawling on all fours. Eating seeds. Yeah. I know. I can't live. Wouldn't you fucking straighten out your goddamn pendant if you're going to take that fucking photo? Yeah, but you know, I mean, yeah, truly, I mean, I, who knows how long they're actually waiting in these positions, but I mean, that's a, like, you know, that's a, that's pretty good for before pictures were really happening a lot. Yeah. Imagine if you told them how our phones were going to ruin pictures. I know, right? Yeah. So I'm going to, people are saying they don't

like listening when we're talking about photos, but I'm going to start trying to, I'm going to put them up somewhere, I guess, maybe on Instagram or, I don't know, I got to figure out a place. Isn't that the point? Yeah, that was the point. But now they're yelling. They yell. People yell. What did they say? I hate it when you guys are talking about what they look like. Yes. Okay. I mean, how long are we talking about what they look like for like five minutes total of show? I don't know. Hey, when you, when you put up the YouTube video, can you, can you put markers where the pictures are? Is that too much of a pain in the ass? Too much pain in the ass. That's not going to happen, but we definitely reached out to Aaron

and he said no. Terrible attitude. Nice try, Aaron. All right. Anything? I got, I got nothing. All right. Carry on. Is that what we're saying? Carry on? Never said that. Carry on. My wayward son. Is that our thing? Aaron, cut the feed now. Carry on my way. No.