The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 313 - John Batman (Live in Melbourne with Wil Anderson)

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Wil Anderson to examine Australian great John Batman. sources Tour Dates Merch on Redbubble

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editor, what cares? Bus rider? That's Will's thing. Correct Melbourne pronunciator. Sure. Dave Anthony. Read a story from American History. There we go. We'll get it someday. The guy I know. Sure. Gareth Reynolds. That's your turn. Yeah. Who has no idea what the topic is going to be about? We wanted to change it up for the third show. What? For the intro? No, the guest. Because we change up the intro every time it comes out of my mouth. Agreed. Absolutely. Yes, we have a different guest. Yeah. His name is Will Anderson. Give it up for Will Anderson. He's same guest. That's a different Will Anderson. Same

guest. January 21st, 1801. The only person in this room who hasn't heard this name is sitting next to me. Will. John Batman. Or as someone said to me on Tuesday, you better not fucking do John Batman. John Batman? Yeah. And then Bruce Wayne happened. He was like, too obvious. John Batman's too obvious. I think they know Alfred. I really think they're catching on to us. Do you think, Master Wayne? This is a very... You know, this isn't the dollop we deserve, but it's the one that we have right now, so... I mean, eventually this was going to happen. Everyone knew it in this room. Was born in Parramatta, New South Wales, to William

and Mary Batman. And they were killed, and then he put flowers on the concrete, right? Correct. I know this story. We can get to the crime portion, because I think we all know this tale. They'd been at the theater because they got attacked by a Magpie. Who was now the supervillain? I'm the Magpie. Yeah, it's early. I mean, only in Australia do you have a bird that just attacks eyes when you're walking through a fucking park. Yeah, you got pie eye. His parents had arrived in Australia five years earlier when William was sentenced to 14 years in the colony for stealing potassium nitrate, which was an

essential ingredient in gunpowder. Sure. Yeah, he's gonna blush it up. Well, you don't know that. I have a feeling. Could have been cooking with it. Well, fair, fair. Yeah, thank you. His family might have been using it to fight supervillains. His family became Methodists, and Batman spent his childhood... I'm not gonna get used to this, by the way. I don't know, I guess everyone else is, but this man's last name is Batman, so just to be very clear, the man's last name is Batman. Yeah, now you're not gonna get used to it the whole time. Okay, so we're just gonna hear about Batman. Yeah. You'll like it. You've never heard it, right? I can't wait for

when Liam Neeson gets his hands on him. John Bain! Batman spent his childhood in the company of Aboriginal people that the church mission to. It's just great, sorry. Okay, sorry, Batman was with who? So the Methodists tried to convert the Aboriginal people because they can't leave anybody alone. Right. And so he was around them a lot, which I think not very common for the time, probably, if you weren't killing them. Right, okay. Oh, everyone's like, oh, yeah, no, that's what happened. Some people like, oh, come on, dive. Spoilers. I don't think we need facts, Clouding, the podcast, Mr. Anthony. Yeah, it's, look, it

happened. You guys didn't treat your native people like we did, which was awesome. That's fair. From an 1867 biography, quote, his father was one of the famous band of missionaries first sent to the South Sea Isles, but was forced to leave Tahiti through a desolating war. Mr. William Batman, like several others, fled to the nearest British settlement. He betook himself to some business engagement and continued to remain in the colony till his death. Okay. So he got some Tahitian action in there. Sure. Yeah. Tahitian. It is believed he changed his name from Bateman to Batman. Whoa. Whoa. To avoid the negative associations of being

an ex convict. Well, he's gonna start fighting him now. Yeah. You hate what you were. Yeah. Now you're Batman. Now you're fucking Batman. Bateman, what do you think? I'm not Bateman anymore. What? No, but he keeps that as his alter ego. Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon Bateman's Batman? No. No, he's got glasses on. No. Good lord. If you see, he's got glasses. Batman's Bateman. And he also just starts talking differently. Yeah. Hey, Bateman, how you doing? I'm good. Not well. So in 1821, Batman reported a blacksmith to you. You're never gonna stop. I thought it would not be still fun, but it's still fun every time. It's still good, Dave. It's

already still good. I know. He reported a blacksmith to authorities for committing a burglary. The blacksmith was tried and hanged. Okay. But now Batman was out of a job because the blacksmith was his boss. Batman's unemployed? Yeah. He he knocked on his boss and then he's like, Oh, fuck. So he has to go get a new job. What are your skills? I hate crime. It was that moment he realized that blacksmith, oh, fuck. I was being so sensitive about where the joke was going that I fucked it up. Blacksmith lives matter. Anyway, whatever. Yeah, it was worth it. It's still good. Yeah, it still works. Marvel. Come on. Come on on yourself. I'll decide. So Batman's mom

worked at the Parramatta orphan school, which was a school for orphans. Nice title. In November, Batman took off for Van Demon's land after the Parramatta orphan school committee met to quote, consider his responsibility for the pregnancy of an unfortunate resident. A bat baby. He fucked a orphan. Oh God, I didn't realize that was the insinuation fully. An unfortunate. How old is Batman? He's 78 at this point. No, he's not. I'm Alfred now. He's pretty young. I mean, that would have been a different ending to the Dark Knight Rises. It went Joseph Gordon Levitt came. I was like, I'm an orphan too. And Batman's like, finally. Take

your pants off. I don't know. I think I'm dating Batman. He said I could be Robin. I'm not sure what's happening. I don't know. Batman leased some land in Tasmania and quickly built up herds of sheep and cattle until in 1823, he supplied the government with 300 tons of meat. Classic Batman. He met Eliza Callahan, an Irish convict who ran away from her assignment. So you know what that is. So they would come over and they would get you'd get off the boat. They'd be like, you got to go work for that guy. And that was what you were. That was your convict job. And then you'd wait to get freed out of that. But you were basically like, what do you

call it? Slaves. Right. Yeah. There's that term. So when she was 17, she had been sentenced to death for forgery. Yeah, I mean, fucking. The worst thing was there was a fake ID. Yeah. So she got the date wrong. Still said seven to eight. Some of the stuff we've heard over the last couple nights, it'll be like murder. He got three years. Yeah. And then forgery, you're gonna get killed for. Yeah. I mean, it's you know, there were some flaws in the system. Okay, as long as we're acknowledging that there's flaws. Her death sentence was commuted to 14 years transportation and off she went to Hobart Town. She was signed to John Petchy.

There she had three offenses recorded drunk and disorderly once and absconding twice. And then she ran away again. And she found refuge on John Batman's farm. Oh boy. The Batcave. Yeah. The only description we have of her says her face was marked. Great. Well, that's enough to go off of. I think we, as long as we know she had a marked face, she probably had like a smallpox or something fucked up that, you know, sure. Yeah, no, I'm very familiar with smallpox. Would have been great if like half her face was fucked up, but the other half is still normal. Wait a minute. He's wearing two face. He just slowly gets a bunch of the

people he's fighting on the farm. How's the hey, Bane? Closer. So they started fucking. So what? They started fucking Batman and Eliza. Okay. They had their first daughter in 1824. Back row. That's right. Back row. You know, he stole your thunder. I don't know if you know what thunder is. Yeah, it's when a guy yells something out in the front row that you wanted to say. I don't think I'm leaning into the Batman side of this too much. Not an angle I'm playing. So Van Demon's land at this time was a largely lawless frontier. So Batman joined in the campaigns to catch Bush rangers. Okay. What's happening? I don't know. Well, give

me a weird one. A little odd. Well, it just, it reminds me of some fan fiction I wrote about Nick Kelly in Batman when I was in high school and like, I mean, it's horrible. I just wonder where this is going because they both kind of have the same outfit, but one's just like more gimpy. Anyway, like, it's just a fun scene to play out. Like, you know, Ned and Batman, both like alpha males together used to covering their faces. But when their eyes locked, there's something fucking magnetic. They're both fucking outlaws. They're both just ordinary men who stood up to society and became fucking heroes. Anyway, I had other holes where they

would bash, but anyway, like, whatever, why did you bring this up? Anyway, I'm not even, whatever. Some, some guy, some guy is up in Darwin right now listening to this podcast and he just put down his pen. Fuck. That's my exact story. So, he wasn't trying to catch Bush Rangers for justice as Batman would have done. This Batman was just, Governor Arthur was paying catch for catching or killing Bush Rangers. So you get some fucking money for grabbing those bitches who got it. Just killing them? Well, yeah, I mean, it's a bounty on a thing, human. Okay. And 1822 bounty is a bad word too. I fuck all the chocolates a shit. I don't even know

what that means. You're just babbling at this point. In 1826, Arthur put a 25 pound bounty on the head of Bush Ranger Matthew Brady. Brady in return offered 20 gallons of rum to the person who would deliver Governor Arthur to him. Oh God, that is quite an all-in move. That's the best Bush Ranger ever. Yeah. No, I don't want $25. I just want 20 gallons of rum. Yeah. I'm rum man. How's that going? Not good. I don't remember what happened every night. I don't know what my special power is, but it isn't keeping my marriage together. Life ain't easy if you're rum, man.

From the Sydney Gazette, April 5th, 1826, quote, a party of armed prisoners observed a fire near the watery plains. But on their approach, the bandits fled. But Matthew Brady being wounded in the leg was captured by John Batman, who brought him into town on horseback on Sunday. That horse was technically the original Batmobile. Shield. Eight guys are like, okay, slowly. So he's put in jail, and as might be expected, the whole population of, I don't know how to say this fucking town. That's the spirit. Launch. Launch? Just

didn't launch. Oh, Lonseston. Lonseston? What? Lonseston. Lonseston. Yeah, Lonseston. No, it's not Lonseston. It's way late. Did you just hear, is there a time-traveling thing? Lonseston. All right. They all crowd around to see him. Matthew Brady had no hat. Oh no. That's a quote from the Sydney Gazette, quote, Matthew Brady. He was stolen by a hat man. I mean, he's been brought in by John Batman. And what the newspaper has to say is Matthew Brady had no hat. A handkerchief was bound around his head. What? I'll pretend it's a hat. Martha, did you see this? The man didn't have a hat. Handkerchief. I know the news is amazing. No hat. It's a

criminal. You do miss the days when the paper was about like stuff like that. You're like, my God, he didn't wear a hat as opposed to an hour when you're like, my God, I need to move. I can't live here. Brady was extremely upset when he was put in a cell with Thomas Jeffries, a Bush ranger and sexual offender. He had been caught after escaping with three other convicts. He ended up eating one. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a twist I didn't say for a sexual offender. Like, is that a dinner? And then it always seemed something like, what the fuck? I think you can't yell out because we're recording it. And then I have to listen to

people going, fucking people yelling out. And then I get mad and I'm in my house and my wife's like, what's happening? So, sorry. Hang on, are you doing Rumb Man again? Yeah, so he disguised as a podcaster, Rumb Man. So, so they leave, right? They get escape and then and then they go for a little ways and they're like, well, there's nothing to eat. Yes, there is. No, there's nothing. Yes, there is. Exactly. Is there a kangaroo behind me? Oh, oh, oh. What was that? Nothing. Why didn't you, nothing? Did you see the kangaroo? No, oh. Where's the third guy?

Let's eat him. Thomas Jeffries had also killed a baby. Jesus, God. It's fine, he just hid it against a tree. It was a different time. It was a different time. Babies weren't as valuable. Oh, wow. This fucking baby better be integral to this story or there was no reason for you to bring them out. There was none. I actually, I actually wrote it out of the story but then you looked at me and then my brain went, say it, say it. So I said it and I feel like everybody's better for it. But the baby didn't. No, you

told us the baby didn't make it. Yeah, but you're not. It turns out, I don't know if he knew this at the time but you're not supposed to do that with babies. No. Because they're soft. Yeah. A tree is hard. So don't, don't do that if you're thinking about doing that. No, we're on record. We're against it. Don't, don't. Anything hard. Yeah. You can't throw a baby. You can't throw a baby against a tree or a brick wall. Hey! You got your mic going? What? You got another one. According to one victim, look, it's a dark Batman journey. According to one victim, Jeffries called himself Captain and was dressed in a long black coat, a red waistcoat and a kangaroo

skin cap. So that's a very, I probably Australian look, I would think. For a while, Jeffries ran with Matthew Brady. So they, these two guys fucking ran together until Brady found out about Jeffries sexual crimes and kicked him out of his gang. Jeffries was then caught and held at Launceston. Launceston. How dare you? What? Launceston. Launceston. The town had to be held back from lynching him and then he turned snitch and told authorities where all the other Bush rangers were in Tasmania. Wow. And then Brady found out and had to be talked out of an assault on the jail to kill Jeffries. And then JD, so Brady gets caught by Batman. He becomes even more upset when he learned that he was going to be hung

with the baby killer. In Tasmania, crowds would come out and sing what was called the song of death as, as the hanging was happening. Do we, do you don't have lyrics? No. I couldn't find them. Someone's dying. It's our day. All right, hang them. So I imagine being Australia, they would have gone to the hanging and just sung, am I ever going to see your face again? No way get fuck, fuck off. So, I don't know. He's a good kid though. Yeah. Yeah. Don't put it that low. The magpies will go down there. So on this day, they sang that song and six men died. Anyway, Batman was a hero for bringing in Brady. That's the point of that story. Batman had a servant who thought Batman, tell me his name, tell me his name.

Come on. I didn't Alfred. It's gotta be Alfred. It was Alfred. It was Alfred is Alfred. Master Batman. So he thought Batman was withholding clothes. And he held this guy. I don't know. It's the bat suit. There's just so many times on a read about your country and I'm like, what the fuck is happening right now? Like withholding clothes. I think he's taking clothes. He's withholding clothes. I assume that you got, if you had a convict working at your place, then they sent clothes for him. And then Batman was like, I'm keeping these. These are fucking sweet. Why, why should the Mike prisoner be able to wear silk pajamas? It's weird that they were giving anyway, the, the servant held the grudge. So he, he told authorities

about quote, a runaway convict at my master's house. Constable James Burton and his assistant were sent and he informed Batman. They were there to apprehend Eliza. Okay. Batman was very uncooperative, but eventually Burton and his assistant got into the house. They did not find Eliza, but they did find women's clothing. Batman would not admit the clothes were hers. So in other words, he was like, they're mine. I like to wear a dress some days. I'm Batman. Yeah. My genitals just breathe better. Oh, you guys don't wear dresses around the house. Come on. We're all friends here. That's 1800s. What are you guys doing? Weirdos. Hear about that guy. Didn't wear a hat. Whoa. It's like, what? Anyway, I should get into

my dress. So to the walk in Batrobe. So the constable left unsatisfied. No, no, no, no. Come on. Jesus. Come on, you guys. Did he, I mean, was he making some sort of, was he like, all right, those women's clothes. I'm rock hard right now. What are we going to do about that? What are we going to do? You're not going to make me walk out of here unsatisfied, are you? Should put those clothes on Batman. I'm voting yes. You know what I mean? Now things have been going quite badly with Tasmania's Aboriginal population for some time. What's wrong?

There was quite a bit of killing on both sides of this point and Batman came up with the idea of roving parties to hunt them down and he presented it to Governor Arthur. And Governor Arthur was like, that's fucking great. Sydney Gazette, September 12th, 1829, quote, we learn from good authority that Mr. John Batman is to be employed for some time as conductor of a party of 10 prisoners, part of whom are to receive freedom and tickets to leave if they behave well. Their task is to capture all the aborigines or as many as they possibly can. Thomas Tucker, a stone mason was lately speared by the aborigines. He ran to the house with several spears in his body and shortly after expired.

You can see how that, you can see how he would expire based on the several spears being in his body. Well, it's just nice to get a good goodbye to the family in. Hey guys, I'm exhausted. I'm going to die now. I miss you a lot. I'm so exhausted. I'm tuckered. Fuck you. That was actually not bad. He said he was exhausted and I remember his name was Tucker and that Tucker is also a word for exhausted. So I know you judge me a little bit. Fuck you. I put all that together pretty quickly. So fair case.

Doesn't count if you have to force people into enjoying it. Probably something I get proud of like in my own head on this podcast. The time like I remembered his name. Ta-da. Somebody listened. To continue the several persons have lately been speared in the same neighborhood. Oh, so they were, they have a lot of spearings going on. What's a bad neighborhood?

It's a bad experience. Yeah. From a letter in the paper, quote, Dear sir, I have just time to say that the natives last Thursday murdered two men at Oyster Bay and on the next day they beat up a lumberjack. Hello. On Sunday they murdered a soldier. On last Wednesday they attacked the house of Mr. Bullbeat. On Friday they murdered three men at a hut and robbed them of four guns, 12 blankets and other things. Yours truly, John Batman.

That's a nice finish. Yours truly is always nice. Yeah. Anywho. Anyway, here's what's going on here, guys. We'll catch you around. Hope you're well, Batman. Batman described one incident in which his men fired on averages running away at night. The next morning they found two men with wounded legs. They tried to march them back to Hobart, but their injuries were so severe they couldn't walk, quote, I was obliged therefore to shoot

them. Jesus Christ. They couldn't walk. That's it? Yep. Okay. Man, I can't even sit down to do this podcast. I'll be fucked in these days. Oh yeah. It would have fucking shot you a long time ago.

Right before the podcast. All right, Will. We need to see you out back. We just want you to sit and you can't. So when Governor Arthur heard about this shooting of the two wounded guys, he noted, quote, Batman shoots wounded natives because they could not keep up as much slaughter to account for. So Batman. He's a different kind of Batman. Very quiet in here.

Batman was to be brought in and questioned about what he had done with the two prisoners, but oh fuck, this is all fucked up. But two days before a Tasmanian newspaper reported that Batman actively pursued indigenous people and captured 11 as well as destroying 17 of the tribe's large dogs and taken a lot of blankets and knives and jackets. So overnight he was called a hero. So the killing of those other two guys was totally forgotten because he'd captured 11. Okay.

Batman and his roving party pursued Aborigines and Tasmanian for a year, killing an unknown number. Now in 1830, Batman was rewarded with 2,000 acres of land. Oh, good. All that good work. Batman and Eliza had a third daughter and John really thought about marrying her. We always knew he was a bachelor. What does it take to get married back?

It's just like, I'm not sure I want to be with you forever. So let's just have three children. So since he's a hero and he's riding high, he wrote to the governor and asked if he could marry Eliza. So back then you had the ex-convict, I think, or a convict you had to ask if you could marry. You had to ask the governor for permission. Okay. It was okay.

The governor granted Eliza Callihan's pardon. Boy, that was a great way to get out of it though, right? Yep. The governor said no. I'm going to stay single. Damn it. Well, you heard the governor. God, I wish I hadn't forged that letter.

So John married her, their three daughters, Maria, Lucy, and Eliza were part of the ceremony. Batman began thinking about setting different areas of the colony, settling different areas of the colony. He was very interested in the country around Port Phillip, okay? All the good sheep areas in New South Wales were taken so people were looking south. Batman wrote to a government official, quote, I am a native of New South Wales and for at least for the last six years I have been most actively employed in endeavoring to civilize the Aboriginal natives of Tasmania.

With my Sydney natives as guides, I endeavor to make contact with the aborigines of the Port Phillip area. Make contact? Yeah, he's going to reach out, make some friends. Is that what his plan really is? Reach out, make friends? Yep. You guys were taught in history when you were young.

I don't think he's... What? A lot of white people feeling weird. I've gone to my happy place and the sad thing is that normally my happy place involves Batman but you've fucking ruined that, haven't you? Just think about Point Break. Yeah. Yep.

One of Batman's friends, William Sam, suggested a company should be formed to help pay for the expenses of exploration. Through the early months of 1835, Batman and his friends sought money and political allies. The Port Phillip Association was formed in Tasmania. It included the Lieutenant Governor's nephew, who was also the collector of customs, which was a very important job. Port Phillip was not a designated Australian porter this time so his membership was important. Other members included the Commissioner of the Land Board, a police magistrate, the under-sheriff

and notary public, the postmaster general, the superintendent of convicts, the superintendent of roads and bridges, biggest bankers, so they're getting all the big hitters from Tasmania. Okay. I'm sure there's a lot. Sure. There's a shit lot of big hitters. No, there is. No, back then.

Not now. Not even then. No, it's apes. Big hitters. Yep. You okay? No, I don't have any other details, but I'm just trying to join in and most of the other stuff he's saying is horrible, so I can't.

There are rules where no convicts would be allowed to settle in the Port Phillip area, believing that the, quote, moral degradation of convict settlers is what caused hostilities with the native people. Interesting take. So, if everybody who was brought to an area was not a convict, then everyone would totally get along with the natives. They'd be like, hey, what are you guys doing? Nothing, I'm not a convict.

Cool. Let's just be friends. And then that's how it worked. I feel like we wouldn't be hearing about it if it worked like that. It's fine. That seems to be coming a catchphrase. One member wrote, quote, we will attempt to colonize, not by knocking the aborigines on the head, but by buying their property and endeavoring to induce industrious habits.

Oh, God. So, all we need to do is change their culture wholly. Yeah. It'll be very easy. So buy their land and put them to work. Right. Which is a good... A good program.

Capitalism. Good. It's very quiet over there. I mean, it's just hard for me to get involved in this conversation. Yeah. I know. Yes. Why are you coming here and telling us bad things about ourselves?

You're the Joker. It's what I... It's what I do. It's what I do. I'm a bad person. Bad man. The Port Phillip Association publicly stated that the area was not in the jurisdiction of New South Wales or any other British settlement, which is weird because it was.

So they were saying that the aborigines owned it, which meant that they could sell it. But the Chief Justice told the Port Phillip Association that the land belonged to Britain and that there would be trouble if someone bought land from native people. What? Who are we rooting for? They're saying, oh, we're rooting for nobody. It's all bad. Okay, good.

I don't know. We're rooting for the indigenous people. Spoilers. They don't fucking win. But like, they're the ones we can barrack for. The rest of the people in this story are terrible. I just got nervous halfway through that because I remembered the last time I was here when I said I was rooting penguins.

And I just realized I'd said rooting and I was like, no, no, no, rooting. So the governor of New South Wales declared that all the land belonged to the crown and anyone occupying it would be considered a trespasser. Okay. But so, okay. So anybody who lives on the land is a trespasser. But they live on the land now. Trespassing.

Oh, nuts. Batman ignored it and decided it would be a good opportunity to open up relationships with the tribes near Port Phillip. If they would buy the land from the aborigines, it would in time lead to the civilization of a large portion of the aborigines in the area. Once they had jobs and all that good stuff, why would you live off the land when you can work? This is the beginning of foreign policy.

Why would you live off the land and enjoy your life when you could go to a factory? Yeah. No, when you could, yeah. No, let's get money involved. That'll work out great. By 1835, it became obvious that Batman was suffering from late stage syphilis. Your nose, Master Wayne. Oh, Batman.

Oh, boy. Particularly when part of his nose fell off. Oh, my God. That's got to be such an awkward moment. Like, oh, dear. Oh. Look, your nose is in the soup, Master Batman. Makes it a lot harder to keep your secret than your Batman, too.

That's why I put the nose on it. That'll do. So his nose just fell off? Yeah. I mean, when you have syphilis, your nose comes off at some point. I mean, that didn't seem like the obvious bit to fall off, to be honest. Well, what do you think? Yeah, you'd think so, but that's not what happens.

I guess your nose... Your nose goes first. Yeah. Yeah, your nose goes first. Oh, my God. At least my dick works. Hello? No.

Please? No. I'm Batman. How was? I'm sorry. Did you say at least my dick works? Yeah. Okay.

I'm Batman. I don't know, I'm totally down. Thanks. So a member of the Port Phillip Association wrote that Batman was, quote, a bad and dangerous character. He married a prison woman. He recently lost part of his nose from the... He recently lost part of his nose from the bad disease.

It's like a four-year-old wrote a letter. You did say the bad disease. Yeah. I thought you said the bad disease. He's been fucking bats. But listen to what this guy wrote. This guy's one of the rich guys in the Port. A bad and dangerous character.

He married a prison woman. He recently lost part of his nose from the bad disease. Could that sound more like a Trump tweet? Yeah. That is just like, very Batman, married a prison woman, very bad, bad, mega. Batman's neighbor in Tasmania described him as a, quote, rogue, thief, cheat, liar, a murderer of blacks and the vilest man I have ever known. And that was in a reference he gave him for a job.

Anyway, is this good? I wrote this myself. Is this what you were looking for? Oh, I forgot, cunt. So we hired Batman. He's going to work in the bar. Just keep an eye on his nose. It's dropping and things.

So Batman's health became a concern for the association, so they drew up a legal document stating that if Batman died, his portion of land would be given to the banker, other members and their descendants. It's pretty evil Batman. In April of 1835, syphilitic Batman set sail. I'm a different Batman now. Oh God, smell. I'm syphilitic.

I'm going to take a nap in my cape. I am. I mean, if you really want to do a dark gritty reboot of Batman, syphilitic Batman, that's how Vel Kilmer originally wanted to play him. He wanted to take that role that he did in. Well, if you noticed after the third one, the nipples dropped off. I've been in syphilis for a while now. His name is Batman.

In April of 1835, syphilitic Batman set sail aboard the Rebecca to Port Phillip. The batship. He brought with him aborigines he knew from New South Wales. In all of his writings, he referred to them as, quote, my blacks or my natives. May, it's like saying my friends, May 10th, quote, arrived aboard the Rebecca with half past 12 noon. My Sydney natives have behaved handsomely and worked well. Their behavior on this occasion was gratifying as a good omen of their future services.

This is going to go well. He saw their work ethic and good behavior as an example of how to neuter the native population around Port Phillip. Well, this could be the means of relieving the mother country of her surplus and half star peasantry. I never could have imagined it possible that so fine a country existed on the face of the globe. Gentle hills, beautiful plains on which 5,000 sheep might be allowed to feed with little

trouble to the shepherd. Is any dying? Yeah. So what's his deal? Die Batman. We'll get there. Do some stuff first. Oh, good.

It's very quiet in here. You've noticed. On the night they arrived in Port Phillip, they saw fires of the Coulin tribe. What did you say? Coulin? Coulin? Coulin? Okay.

Yeah, I get that right. Okay. That sounds okay. Thank God. The whole bunch of white people here agreed that was the right way to say it. Should be fine. Batman ordered, quote, is natives to track them down and gain their confidence. They stripped naked as this was how the natives are known to meet each other.

That's an interesting call right away. Yeah, I did not know that. Right away, just the first thing. All right, well, let's get naked. Right? Hi there. I assume you would do it to be non-threatening? Right.

Yeah, because if you're naked, then... Yeah. If you're naked to me, that's a little more threatening. I mean, you're... Yeah, you're... I'm going to take off my pants. We're going to come over and say hello. Yeah.

All right? Yeah. I'm just going to take off my pants. That's all I'm going to do. Okay, I'm taking off my pants. Now, I'm taking off my underwear. The hell are they doing? I'm going to take off my shirt.

What is he doing? I'll be right over there. We're going to say hello. What is he doing? Why is he just getting naked? What am I talking about? What is he doing? Why is he sitting down now?

Just meeting you. You know what I mean? I'm going to put some clothes on. I'm going to start stroking this. All right? I'm going to start rubbing this. It's just a way... He's jerking off.

It's a way we say hello. I don't... I guess we should jerk off? I don't know what we're supposed to... What's our play? What do we do? All right, I'm... I'm about to come.

All right? Jesus Christ. Look me in the eyes. God. All right, well, I met him sort of, uh... I did what we call... I mean, I just jerked off into a plant. Um...

Uh... Uh... I'm going to be a producer. So... Wow. That's cool. Wow. Wow.

You are a very bad person. I am? Yeah. Why? I don't know. He jerked off into a plant. I was saying hello. It's not you who...

Oh. It is... Is that literally you in that make-up? No one brings up the fact that that's good for plants. When they caught up to the coolant, it turned out to be 20 women and 24 children. Batman's group let them know that they were friendly, and Batman had them explain that although he was white, he was a countryman of theirs and would protect them. So that's nice.

He asked them to go to their huts to see the rest of their tribe where he gave them gifts like a pair of blankets each, tomahawks, knives, scissors, looking glasses, and a necklace for each woman and child. Okay. So that's... Like if a white guy comes giving you a bunch of gifts, it's great. It's going to end good. So if let Batman then told...

They were probably just like... He doesn't have a nose. Hello. How are you? My name's Batman. He doesn't have a nose. You guys, and it's not even necessary, but a big chunk of my nose dropped over here. I can't stop staring at the hole.

And I wish I understood your language, but if we could help me find the other... It's really two-thirds of the nose if you think about it. Is this what white people are? I think it's under his foot. This is horrible. All right. Now that I'm naked and I've got my nose back on, let's talk trades. Batman, that's right.

The whole, the rest of the story, never think of him as anything but not having a nose. It changes the whole flavor of this entire... So he told them the reason he'd come was to purchase some land and that he wanted to settle there with his wife and live with them. He wanted to bring sheep and cattle and he said he wanted to employ them the way he employed the Aborigines in Sydney and he would clothe and feed them. Quote, the chiefs appeared most fully to comprehend my proposals and much delighted with the prospect of having me to live amongst...

Yeah, they were like, yeah, the guy with no nose. This is going to be fucking awesome. They seem excited to have me there. I then explained to them the boundaries of the land that I wished to purchase. The next day, the chiefs went to the area Sefalitic Batman wanted. They marked the trees to indicate the boundaries. Sefalitic Batman then filled out the deed. It was explained to them by interpreters so they would fully understand the purpose and effect.

Eight chiefs signed it. Sefalitic Batman and the Port Phillip Association now had land at Port Phillip. Are you guys still having problems confusing Batman with the actual Batman from the movies with this one now or is that gone? No, there's a distinction at this point. I think I know who's who. Quote, I confidently trust that the British government will duly appreciate the treaty which I have made with these tribes.

It will not try in any manner to interfere in the arrangements I have made, but that I shall receive the support and encouragement not only of the local government, but that of the British government. From Sefalitic Batman's Journal, quote, June 7th Sunday, I woke this morning with the agreeable consciousness of my being able to say, I am monarch of all I survey, my right there is none to dispute. Jesus, he stepped it up. I feel like the Sevelas is kicking in.

Yeah. Seriously kicking in. This is his Hunter S. Thompson type, period. How many times does his nose drop him when he's writing in his journal? He's like, God damn, just stay. Oh, son of a bitch. It's in the ink. Oh my God.

I'm blue man. I know it's not true, but I do love your version of it where he's trying to just continually put the nose back on. It's become a pair of groucho glasses. Oh, goodness. Where's my nose? It's on my face. Oh, my God.

Oh, it's in the stew. Nobody stop eating the stew. I lost my, oh, Dave. It happens to all guys. I came naked to the party. Oh, no. Oh, no. Anyway, greetings, my friends.

Is that just what these beers do? I feel like 55% of the ones I open, they overflow and you're like, okay, sure, do your thing. It's just going still. It's like a magic beer. It's like a science project. Yeah. This is translating well the listeners. This is what I could do.

Oh, no. Then they watched a beer for 30 minutes. Is that, did you listen to that part? I could do this with my son for a science experiment. Be like, yeah, no, it's a volcano. So Dave's going through a weird phase. Hey, we made a volcano. Why is he naked?

He's negotiating. What is this? Are you going to drink it or what? In a bit. Yeah. I want some stops doing that. I think that's, I mean, it's running. Yeah.

Let's, if anyone wants to sip a beer in 30 minutes, it'll be coming off the stage. Treat it like a luge. I don't know. That's weird. Yeah. That's definitely flowing downstage. Yep. He wrote that he traveled 12 miles down in a southwest direction and found a creek of

water that ran through a romantic valley. He named it after one of his daughters Lucy and the valley after another Maria quote. We left three white men for blacks, a whale boat and provisions with instructions to build a sod hut and to be kind to the natives and allow them food a pound a day. They were directed to plant garden seeds, fruits and potatoes. I have one written authority to put off any person that may trespass on the land I purchased from the natives. Okay.

So he's basically set, he's like, I own this and then anybody comes, they're in trouble, but no one knows. Right. But what, he can't do this. Oh no, this is what happens. Okay. Have you, have you met white people before? I thought I had.

There's a bit of a PR campaign via letters to the editors of newspapers. The Cornwall Chronicle received one such letter on June 13th, 1835 quote to the editor, sir, I am happy to inform you that the schooner has arrived here safe from Port Phillip. Mr. Batman has left Mr. Pigeon commander. Well, now it's got interesting again. Is he an ally of the magpie? How does this come together? Oh no, the penguin, the magpie, they're together.

The pigeon's joined. What does he do? He just looks for bread. He's a bit of a sky rat, we call him. You do a good pigeon. Mr. Pigeon was commander of the Sydney Aborigines in position. I mean, thank fuck Mr. Pigeon turned up, because this was starting to get really fucking dark and then everyone's like, you know what, we need some comic relief.

Where the fuck is Mr. Pigeon? Hello. Mr. Pigeon. Okay, sorry. So he's left in possession of the territory amounting to two million acres that he purchased from one of the natives called the Fudgery. My God, the plan's called Fudgery. The letter went on to describe how it was great that Sepulitic Batman had purchased all that land

for a dozen pair of blankets, six tobacco pipes, 150 bundles of tobacco and two bottles of rum. His land was described as all the southern coast of Australia from Port Callahan to Speculation Bay. It was also said Fudgery could not read or write, but by rubbing his hand in ink, then putting it on the land deed, the contract was made legal. What is he? He's like a kid signing a contract? Well, this is the Aboriginate guy. He doesn't...

Oh, sorry. So he's just like, let's do this. Yeah, well that's... And the whole plan is that... Stuff from people that don't... Have no idea what they're doing, so you're like, good, we purchased. Yeah, cool, you gave me money for shit. I'm gonna come back here.

Good tobacco, still my land. This is exactly what they did in America. It works. First I've heard of it. So apparently it took a while to explain to Fudgery what an acre was, as well as the term millions. Amazing those are the two terms that they're like, why won't he grasp it? There literally is no millions in there. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, that's what I mean though. They're like, he just doesn't understand money. He doesn't understand land. It's really... He's hard to negotiate with. I think he's a really good negotiator. I think that's what he's doing. This was done by showing him the stars and saying the land the association now owned was as big as the stars.

Unfortunately, another chief also claimed the territory and was praying to attack, but Fudgery knew it would happen and was ready for him and defeated him. It also helped that Captain Pigeon was teaching Fudgery's tribe how to use firearms. Oh my God. Captain Pigeon has a gun? He's giving guns to the tribe. Ready? Okay, I'm retiring Captain Pigeon, officially.

Captain Pigeon's all I've got left in this story. Don't go away Captain Pigeon. So this meant that the British government had now lost possession of this land and it was in private hands. The site of a township had been marked off and given a name, Batmania. Oh my God. It's sweeping the nation. In a bad way. But not everyone was happy about the privatization of part of New South Wales.

In August, someone wrote to the colonial times, quote, the whole scheme is impractical, as it would be injurious to the best interests of the British people in colonists by forming a station exempt from the control of the government as a receptacle for runaway convicts and all other desperate characters who had flocked to Port Phillip endangering the peace and prosperity of colonists and farming themselves into a band of robbers without means to astrain their plundering. You know what I like about that? It just shows that for 200 years, the only people who write to newspapers are people just complaining about criminals coming to their fucking neighborhood and ruining it.

That's true. That's what that letter is like. And by the way, I've got some opinions about that new show for your Green Guide section. So... It's the beginning of Green Guides. A land outside of British control would not have the same laws. People saw this as an issue. There was also concern over the deal to give the tribe 200 pounds a year. That's insane.

I mean, how could a British subject owe money to a, quote, foreign prince? The whole idea was insane. There was precedent that was set when the Quakers bought Pennsylvania, but England had already agreed to a valuation of that land, so it wasn't the same thing. I didn't know the Quakers bought Pennsylvania. Did you know that? Yeah, Dave, I knew that. Fuck you talking about. Quickest.

Some weird news also came out of the area. The Australian... Finally, some weird news. The Australian Sydney, September 18, 1835, quote, There is a story going that the chieftains of the independent colony of Batmania have discovered a race of semi-white, nine-foot high, and five-foot broad, Brobdignians. Wait, wait, wait. Start that description again. There is a story going that the chieftains of the independent colony of Batmania

have discovered a race of semi-white, nine-foot high, five-feet broad, Brobdignagians, the descendants of an escapee from Colonel Collins' expedition 30 years ago. So, hang on, they're nine-feet high and five-feet wide? Yeah, yeah, they're pretty big. Semi-white, like half an hour or like what? Just semi. Nine feet, okay. Semi-white. Yeah, they're big.

Sound large. That's... nothing else came of that. That's it, so that was just a rumor of the barrel folk. Yeah, there was just a story about giant people, and then no one followed up on it. Did you ever close that lead about the nine-foot high, five-foot wide people? Nah, nah. I don't know, they haven't got away from me a little bit.

I don't know, I don't have to tell you. I just kept thinking, where would they get pants? The truth is, I thought I saw them, so I did what you would normally do. I got totally naked, and started approaching. Yeah, yeah. The nose fell off, it was four-foot long. Nose less nine-feet wide. In Sydney, they were not at all happy about this,

the turn of events of a syphilitic Batman and his association, Buying the Land. Sydney Gazette and the New South Wales advertiser wrote on March 7th, 1836, that Batman was seen as a tool of Lieutenant Governor of Tasmania and other wealthy individuals in Hobart Town. People in Sydney wondered what exactly was the legal situation here, with a land being settled with no authority from the Crown, and already prohibited by Governor Richard Bork. So yeah, what is going on?

It started to dawn on people that it was going to take more than a simple proclamation of the settlers of Port Phillip and their plans. Britain had taken possession of all of Australia years ago, and no portion of land had been abandoned by the Crown. The settlers were then called trespassers. The city monitor quote, they have pretended to purchase from the naked, ignorant, roaming savages of this country both sides of the land around Port Phillip

to an amount of acres with which they are really unacquainted. Syphilitic Batman didn't care. It doesn't give a shit. He sent a letter to government officials bragging about the success of Port Phillip. 20,000 breeding sheep had been exported. They were bringing in a minister at the expense of the association. Only married men of good character would be brought in, which I believe would help some of the men stop attacking average in any situation.

Batman believed a colony of great importance. Also, just by the way, he's the only good married man of good character. This is the guy who had three fucking children before his syphilitic fucking nose fell off, and he's like judging other people's moral values. It's so weird. That doesn't happen anymore. Batman believed a colony of great importance to England was being created. They were clothing and feeding the indigenous population, and they were being put to work, which would lead to their gradual civilization.

New South Wales wanted to know exactly what was going on. They sent police magistrate George Stewart in June 1836, and he found a population... Can we just celebrate a normal name for a second? It's been a while. We just got off the Captain Pigeon train. He found that a population of around 200 Europeans had already spread over about 100 miles of country. No one was sure what the government was going to do about the situation. The governor proclaimed the territory was part of New South Wales,

but no military force had been sent. Without any sort of authority, settlers began attacking aborigines. It turns out it wasn't about being married or giving aboriginals jobs, so the attacks led to retaliation, and four white settlers were killed. That's good. The government began to be concerned that the situation would lead to an all-out war, as it happened in other locations, like the place Batman was from. That would lead to the extinction or driving away of the aboriginal people around Port Phillip.

The association continued to provide rations and some protection to the local people over the next year. The plan was to make them rely on rations, then put them to work for rations. Cool shit. It didn't work, though. Protection included getting back aboriginal women who were abducted and the investigation of a sealer raid. At the first anniversary of the treaty, the expected goods were handed over to the natives, which included flour, sugar, tobacco, blankets. Oh, so you can make a blanket tobacco cake.

Perfect. But for some reason, taking over someone else's land didn't seem to be going well. It doesn't seem to, normally. It's so weird. There was more fighting happening in August 1836. An association member proposed creating three or four stations to hand out daily rations to the native people. If this was not done, there was concern of permanent hostility. Then on April 1st, 1836, where it was received, Britain had officially sanctioned the Port Phillip settlement. New South Wales had 30 soldiers sent in and 30 convicts.

The idea of convicts was especially troubling to the Port Phillip Association. Again, the new settlement would not just be for, quote, free men. And sure enough, more convicts followed. Okay, so it's becoming Arkham. What? Nothing. The first government official put in charge of the settlement was William Lonsdale. Governor Bork appointed him as chief agent of government, police magistrate,

and commandant for the Port Phillip region. Sorry, but are you saying Burke? Oh, is it Burke? Not B-E-R-K, as opposed to B-O-U-R-K. Bork. Like, I honestly thought you were the Swedish chef from the fucking Muppets, so I was like, occasionally Dave's just like, Bork, you're Burke. Captain Pidgeon?

Captain Burke. In what world is O-U and E? It's all right. You guys keep pretending. They named it straight after him. It's just out there. Yep. That's the street where the street signs don't yell out the name when you walk by it.

It's all relax and get a burriger after the show. So Lonsdale was given instructions... Sorry, the Burke is a better at hungry jacks. Lonsdale was given instructions to treat the Aborigines kindly and give them presents and protect them from any manner of wrong and maintain friendly relations. And he was sent on a warship of the Imperial Navy to show the governor's power. He brought provisions to the natives. Police magistrate of Geelong Foster Fiennes...

In plain, since he didn't have enough blankets to distribute, the Aborigines left my place making use of many bad expressions. And since this occurrence, I forget to say that they have continued a strain of abuse on me through the country. The next year, Fiennes asked for more supplies because the local tribe was expecting them and the governor relented but made the point that good should only be given out and return for services rendered. You socialist fuck. The Port Phillip Association tried to uphold the treaty that year but now at a reduced cost.

One member wrote that he had heard about damaged oatmeal that they could buy for cheap. Quote, damaged rice, barley meal, pears or anything of that kind which can be got the cheapest will answer the purpose. Pears? Damaged pears? Look, I'll eat a damaged pear, I'll be honest with you. It's round! On March 7th, 1837, New South Wales Governor Burke proclaimed the name of the settlement to be Melbourne in honour of Lord Melbourne, the Prime Minister of England. There was a two-day celebration.

The first census of 1837 counted 167 people and 26,000 sheep. Oh my god, so that was a great time. What a fucking nightmare. I would be in heaven. Where are you? I'd be like, I'm gonna go hang out with all the sheep. Six months later, it was 500 people and 100,000 sheep. Oh boy, yeah, alright. No, that's scary. What?

The sheep sound like they're gonna take over. Hey, you don't want to live in a world where sheep rule? No. Humankind had a good run, it's time to give it up. The sheep do it for a little while. The sheep? Yeah. Yeah, I'm into it.

Yeah, that's gonna be great. Wait, there's a wool there's a white. Planet of the sheep. It's a much weirder experience. Pretty easy to walk around them, honestly. They're not threatening at all. I think we can actually, let's make a coat out of a couple of them, really. When Lonsdale left the job after two years,

Governor George Gipps immediately ended the practice of giving out provisions. Cephalitic Batman's face was now covered in wrap bandages as his face gave way. Oh my god, his face gave way. A face is giving way. Well, I think I'm gonna lose it soon. And then you know what that means. I might start looking weird. Prepare yourself.

I'm not gonna be the normal half-nosed man whose face is on the edge of dropping you've grown to love over the past couple years. I'll be what we all feared. Lava face. I'll still be fine. I'll live under these bandages. Call me band man. But outside of that, I don't think much will change.

So in a couple of days, I won't have a face. Okay? All right. Just glad we did this. Okay, everybody. Well, there it goes. There it goes. There it goes.

Earlier than expected. Well, it's like a hangnail. That went right off. Look at that. One piece. Hey, put me on. Put it on. Wear me.

Let me talk to me. Let's have a laugh. Do your Batman. Ow. And further bits. Pain and muscle weakness from syphilis weakened Batman. And by 1837, he could no longer walk. Even if the bat signal was out?

Yeah. There's nothing. He just. Oh. He was built a wicker and bamboo carriage. Oh, God. Did not have wheels, which meant his manservant would drag him around in it. What?

I mean, who wants to go out like a faceless Cleopatra? Just give it up. At some point, you got to say, uncle. Or just say, I don't need to go anywhere. I'll just stay inside. Yeah. Yeah. Who wants to see you?

But I think there's a time. Hello. Hello. This is a time when it was just common to see a guy getting dragged around a bamboo cage with fucking syphilis. It's a bamboo cage. Like a faceless man. He's dragged around in a kite.

I know what you're thinking. How did he end up in the lap of luxury? Well, it wasn't easy. Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. No dirt. No dirt. Oh, it's hard to watch when you don't have a face. So they dragged him to the first land auction for Melbourne on June 1st, 1837.

One million dollars. Sorry. Sorry. I want a place to lay down. He bought allotments for 200 pounds. I take it. So he bought stuff? So imagine you lost in the auction to the faceless guy being dragged in a fucking kite.

You backed down right away. If he bids anything. You're like, let Tim have whatever he wants. He's the devil, right? This is Satan. 200. 200. 200.

100. 100. 300. 300. Face fell off. 400. 400. 500.

500. 500. 700. 700. 700. 700. When your face falls off, is that counted? No, I'm not.

I'm just driving. Jesus. Six. Six. Six. Six. You fucking asshole. Christ.

I'm Batman. I just don't know if I should wait. I'm saying six. Yeah, but what if you don't yell and a piece falls off? Does that mean you're bidding? Oh my God, this guy. Guy, guy. I'm saying six.

Right, but your cheek came off. It's gonna fall off. What is that? Eight? I'm saying six. Get to seven. Maybe I'll say eight. Fucking guy, I've never seen a face this guy in a fucking cage.

Fuckers with this guy. God, I'm mating. Fucking eight, man. It was very difficult being married to a paraplegic, nozeless, sephilitic man. Tell me the downside. But I've got a new cage. Eliza and sephilitic Batman's marriage failed. She moved out as she was having an affair with a man named William Willoughby who happened

to be Batman's clerk. Oh my God. And what she liked about him was he had a face. I'm sure Batman took it. Well, laying down. Oh yeah, I bet you'll get 50 feet and then you'll think I missed a guy with a face. Okay? Have fun, go.

Enjoy the clerk with a face. Yeah, he went and hooked him with a face. I need a man with a face. I'm pretty sure Batman's gonna land on his feet again. I mean, I'll land. Sephilitic Batman rewrote his will. He wanted to take Eliza out completely. I'm leaving it all to me.

But his lawyers talked him into keeping her in it. He left her five pounds instead. And my face. The date of the 1838 yearly compensation to the Kulin for land rolled around. But now sephilitic Batman had no energy to do much of anything. And he was the one who always pushed for the tribe to get their promised provisions. All other association members ignored the obligation. And then squatters started coming from the north.

Quote, the feet of a million sheep invaded the pastures destroying their land and their souls. Oh, that's hard. The Kulin were displaced from their land and they moved into Melbourne where they could get food and care. Superintendent Latrobe arrived in October 1838 and he was not down with the situation. He decided the Kulin should be moved to reserves as he was, quote, appalled at the extent to which the Kulin had made Melbourne their home. Do you see the problem? Sephilitic John Batman died on May 6, 1839 in his home. What got him?

He tripped over his face. Classic me was his last words. Quote, Mr. Batman was distinguished for his activity as a bushman. And on the occasion of his last adventure exposed himself to an injurious degree. Violent cold working on Mercury previously dormant in his system hurried him to premature death. He has left a numerous family all very young and chiefly girls. Unfortunately for them, his affairs are not in a settled state. So Mercury, well, the cure for syphilis.

So they're saying it killed him, but if your face is already coming off, probably not the Mercury. That was a Hail Mary that went wrong. He was killed by Freddie Mercury. Who we shot into his dick. That's what they used to do with the Mercury. Shot. Yeah, it's shooting your dick. I do remember learning that at one point, but I guess I just selectively forgot.

When he died, he had $5,000. Why? Just because that was the best. That's where the hurdy was. And you could also use your dick to tell the temperature. Oh. And that makes a lot of sense. Oh, I went to the doctor one time and he goes, you got to take my temperature. So I'm just saying it makes sense now.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. You got a nice one. I know we all do it. Yeah. Yeah. If you don't have health insurance, you take, yeah, it's a simple.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cause for a minute I was like, wait a minute, am I crazy? No, but I'm not. Not at all. Yeah. You have to get physicals every two weeks, right?

It's a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And every second one's in the car. Yeah. Yeah. And the other ones at his house.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Right. Standard doctor stuff. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. You ever meet him at the bathhouse? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. On Saturdays and Sundays.

Yeah. Yep. Does he have a shed? Does he have a, huh? The only one, whatever the prescription I need is. A lot of mercury stuff. Go ahead. When he died, Batman had 5,500 pounds in assets and 6,500 pounds in debt.

He had been living well beyond his means. He only kept three blocks of land. One of the most expensive properties in Melbourne. Batman's well was complicated. The legal wrangling went on through the boom and bust of the 1840s. Who doesn't remember that? It was mostly about those three blocks of land and in the end his lawyers were the only people to receive money Well that at least it worked out at least that's that's something that's never finally the good guy got one

five months after his death Five months after I mean he didn't play really dodgy lawyers. They're real cage chasers Who's got your nose I Man's brother Henry died of alcoholic poisoning Eliza came from England to learn The Batman and died and the children were separated living in different homes in February of 1841 She married William Willoughby in January of 1880 1845 Batman's only son Charles drowned in the yara yara River Eliza then was that not I say hang on. What did you just call it yara yara the yara yara River yara yara

Yeah, I'll say it one more time yara yara so everyone can laugh at you say it one more time yara yara Give it another go imagine what else it might be called. What do you guys call it? Yeah? You know you have another guy first yara yara. Yeah, but maybe if that isn't it what would you next best guess, but I'm me Yara Yara yeah, no yara Yara You guys are all cunts He knows how to pronounce that one

Eliza then left Willoughby and Melbourne and started drinking I do like how now you fully adjusted now that you feel like I'm right so I'm going with it So she starts drinking heavily she leaves them She led a quote obscure life and was of somewhat abandoned character She was Murray murdered in Geelong in 1853 Allegedly beaten and kicked to death in a bar fight. Oh my god boy Jesus Christ the hits keep coming

Batman's Hill marker stands next to what today is the age building a pole Which looks like a giant survey marker indicates the summit of what was Batman's Hill? This is also the position of the reference point established from which all distances for Melbourne are calculated There is a Little plaque dedicated to Batman in the parking lot of the Queen Victoria market, which reads Batman as a leader Everything's measured from this Batman pole Like in the car park of the markets like it's just not the place It's a place you could stumble upon that without knowing the fucking story

And just like we should go and get some fruit and vegetable hold on hold on hold on This is Batman's parking spot We fucking parked in Batman's spot. Oh Oh shit, it's gonna be pissed It's the black and yellow zone Yeah, it's really just two stone people like Fuck dude, he's fucking real I'm fucking told you dude. Fuck!

So you want to know what the Yeah, I know what I read As leader of an exhibition to form a settlement and founded One on the site of Melbourne then unoccupied Very delicate Very tiptoeing A brass plaque was added in 1992 which read when the monument was erected in 1881 the colony considered that the Aboriginal people did not occupy the land

It is now clear that prior to the colonization of Victoria the land was inhabited and used by the Aboriginal people How hard Melbourne said it'll cancel 1892 The plaque disappeared in 2010 But why do you need an addendum plaque They just well, I think people scratched out the first one. That's fucking horseshit and then they oh and then they put another Yeah, they added like a hyperlink to the plaque. Yeah, right. Hey, what about the truth? And then that got taken down. Yeah, and then someone was like some fucking Nationalist asshole was like get fuck you

Is that what they are? Get fuck you is a good one Get fuck you Oh Jesus Christ, I thought I knew about Batman Well, maybe the fucking plaque wasn't stolen maybe oh you think he's still around Drag the cage to the parking lot Why sir, I've got some unfinished business How are you still the mercury

You Jammin in the bad dick every day just eating parts of his face Alfred that's how he gets his power So are there are there places still named for him around yeah Are people trying to get that change and other people are like you can't change that that's well No, here's the thing though Dave like all our history about a white people is terrible And like at least this guy had a cool fucking that Jimmy

He's really yeah that that moved to take the e out of Bateman. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the best thing you ever did Truly the best thing in the family one could argue Was mom help orphans true Why are you bringing orphans to a name fight Dave? Just saying God Real that was hot that was yeah People get pissed off like people have been pissed off when we've said stuff when we're just like don't trust white people like you just

I it there's a strong track record that supports that philosophy Yeah, don't talk to white people Kill them with spears It seemed it is just crazy. It always starts the same. Oh, let's make friends and then you're like no, he's not good No No way. It's also how determined white people are I mean he's nose fell off and he just kept going on with his fucking day Yeah, he is a rare brew. I mean I feel like mo like there are a lot of people, you know hang their nose up at some point Not Batman though. No, he was like keep going

He's been dead for two weeks and he's still barking orders. Hi Ray Yeah, once my nose is gone I'm out. Yeah, that is not you don't because the social shit stops I'm done. You're not seeing from when the nose drops off. No, fuck it. There's no point at that point You're like, yeah, it's just gonna hang out in the house. You just post the throwback Thursday every two weeks and just stay in a dark shed Yeah Simpler time Throwback Thursday so So hard to get laid if you don't have a face though

Because it's a giveaway that there's something there's something wrong Oh, syphilis. No, no, no, I had to take it off years ago made my ears look fat You think I have syphilis because I don't have a nose I chose to have it removed good Lord I Have syphilis Oh, my face is falling Well now everyone in this room knows about Batman they already knew But the one guy who didn't does that's you. Thank you Some people are mad it's hard to put a bow on this one

Um You want to do some stand-up how do you want to handle it? I uh, I wanted to leave half an hour ago I knew I knew where this one was fucking going and I Really was like maybe if I'm just silent for heaps they can edit me out like I Why do you do the terrible ones in Melbourne I Mean um some of them I didn't know the last two weren't terrible. Yeah, no I mean like but the pain there was the penguin this feels like the penguin anniversary Oh, I don't think it's anything close to the penguin one these people had no idea about they came until he broadsided by the penguins

At least they knew like everyone knows what fucking happened. They're just upset that they're Fucking winning because of it That's all Yes Oh, it's exactly what's happening. I mean, you don't get to fucking hear about it. I Mean, you're my friend why you thought this would be a nice not out You forgot there were shows well, David's just like let's go to the theater I was like well

Seriously, if someone wants to sip beer, it's like 30 seconds away Thank you guys very much for coming out Will Anderson We appreciate it. Thank you so much guys. We will be back. Thank you