The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 319 - The Missouri Mormon War (Live in KC)

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the Mormons experiences in the state of Missouri. SOURCES REDBUBBLE MERCH TOUR DATES

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Wrong. First of all out of line and wrong. A casual hi Dave is also just weird to

be here. Hi Dave. It's my man. It's my buddy Dave. This is his. It was like it was like the post here before the show started Dave had to like get the story done he was like working on multiple platforms. Might be non-linear. It's interesting. We'll see. You're listening to the dollop. That was loud. It's too late. It's too late isn't it? This is a bi-weekly American History podcast once a week. I, tomato grower, owner of Maple, Rocket League player. Dave Anthony, read your story from American history to me amigo. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about and...

1831! Now I'm just gonna start in the middle of this story because this is a long fucking story and you can't do it from the beginning because it's you just gotta take it by chunks. So I'm gonna start in 1831. When Joseph Smith... Oh boy. He's definitely a recurring. Is it Davey's County? Is it Davis County? Davis? Okay. There's an extra vowel in there. All right Dave, it's early. Okay. It's early. Just checking. I'm sure I will fuck up some of these names because... crazy. Okay. So George, sorry, Joseph George Smith, his brother. Do you guys know about his secret

brother George? I was buried with the plates. It's me. Three plates and a brother, Joseph. Whoa! Oh boy. So we meet Joseph and he's now set up camp in Kirkland, Ohio. Okay. Okay. Sure. So this is gonna be the base of operations for the Jesus Christ Church of Latter-day Saints. I mean, it is amazing to be opening a Jesus campaign headquarters, essentially. Yeah. Okay. All right, we'll get everything ready. Jesus is gonna be coming eventually. All the other stuff is in the past, right? The gold plates, all the other stuff. That's in the past. He's hunkering down. He's got a bunch of followers. But things have already started

to not go great. Okay. There's been some people are pissed off about the way the church is being run. Sure. There's fracturing. There's people leaving and they're saying, you know, you're full of shit. Right. And there's a guy named Ezra Booth and he's left the church and he's stirring up a lot of people. Right. So there's already a large group of Mormons who've bailed and they're just not happy with Joseph and they're saying he's a false prophet. So Booth said God would never honor a man like Joseph with revelations. Okay. He's saying, you're not, he goes, you're not talking to God, bro. Okay. Nice. I'm using, I'm using common. No,

it definitely helps. I would love subtitles. That'd be great. So on Saturday night, March 24th, Joseph is sleeping like he does, just fucking kicking it, having a nice bed of bullshit. He's, he's dragged out of his bed in the middle of the night. Oh boy. And he is taken outside and strangled until he blacks out. Oh, okay. I mean, okay, tough, tough. I was just doing this. And then, and then they rip off all his clothes. As you do. That's the right order too. You know how, you know how defensive people get about having their pajamas stripped off them. You got to get a guy's clothes on them. You want them out for that project. I want to,

I want to fucking see that prophet. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Little prophet. Little prophet. Joseph said, one man quote, scratched my body with his nails like a mad cat. As he muttered, God damn you. That's the way the Holy Ghost falls on folks. You read it like kind of naughtily, but I'm trying to think if there's any other way. Let me do a different way. I do a different way. Another reading. Yeah. Can we see some? Yeah, Dave. Yep. Okay. You're an actor. Oh, I like where this kid's going. The hood. No, he's got a hood. He's, yeah. God damn you. That's the way the Holy Ghost falls on folks. Yeah. Nice. Very good. We have options, which I like.

Yep. Okay. So one cat man is sort of turned on in a biblical way. There's a cat, there's a cat man. He's scratching. He was just making the biscuits. Yeah. He's getting ready to lay. He will make bed. And then they jammed a vial of poison up against his teeth until it broke. Okay. So they put poison in it. Teeth clenched, and then they tarred and feathered him. Oh, geez. Wow. Yeah. It's hard being the son of the son. Was he pledging a frat? This sounds very sort of hazy. Yeah, it's definitely hazing. Okay. But he lived. Wow. Super, obviously, sore. Yeah. The mob. My guess is you don't have good sleep for a while after that. I think it's a hard. Was

that people? Just think I'd stripped out of here and then a cat man made me a bird. Now he doesn't like me because I'm a bird bastard. He's just trying to go to sleep. Oh, fuck. That's right. It's me Larry. Oh, no. The mob was apparently supposed to castrate Joseph. That was they got rushed to snip the stuff off. One man who wanted to punish Joseph because Joseph had been banging his sister. Okay. Sure. So off with this. Yeah. Totally. It happens. Yeah. One of Joseph's close. I don't know. I don't know what he called them. Disciples or bros. Sidney Rigdon. Rig... Rigdon? All right. Oh, really? Rigden? This is spelled wrong. Sidney

Rigdon. Are you a Mormon? All right. You're gonna like this. Sidney... Sidney. I know. I know I'm gonna get letters for Mormons. At least their letters. Email. Yeah. They don't have email. They send letters. I know, yeah. I mean... Dearest David, your latest dollup greatly disappointed me and the boys. I am sending a cat man. So Sidney Rigdon, like he's one of his close guys, he's also beaten and attacked. Okay. In the morning, Sidney is delirious and he asked his wife, Phoebe, to bring him a razor so he could kill Joseph. Okay. And Phoebe was like, I'm not gonna do that. So then he asked Joseph to bring him a razor so he could kill Phoebe. It's quite a 180. So

it's really just about cutting someone. The negotiation is just, who's got a razor? I'm looking to cut. And Joseph was like, why don't you, why don't you take a break and just, you know, take a deep breath, maybe chill out. Turns out Sidney Rigdon had like a manic depressive issue his whole life and it was really acute at this moment. Okay. Bad timing for sure. Yeah. Now at this point, kind of nowhere around Kirtland was safe. They were driven from place to place. Sidney had been forced out of his home by a mob. The whole tar and feather thing made Joseph speed up plans to move somewhere else. Sure. Yeah, that'll do it.

Absolutely. Now the town of Independence, Missouri. Okay. What happened? Let's not go back to 1840 now. What just, are we okay? I mean, naming yourself Independence is pretty clear. We're done. So it's like a jumping off point for fur traders at this point. There's some merchants out there, explorers who come through before they head on out to get their stuff. Sure. It's the furthest point westward on the Missouri River where steamboats or other cargo vessels would travel. Okay. Right. There's also a lot of Native Americans there have been pushed out by all the white hordes that are coming through, right? Sure. So that's a game

that we love to play. What's that? Here we come. Go. So Joseph decides. Yeah, it's good. We should do this podcast like The Voice where like if you like a bit you turn your chair around to hear the end of it. So Joseph goes and visits Missouri right in 1831, heads to Independence and he's like this is fucking it. There we go. I can see myself sleeping here sort of. He says this is the city of Zion. This is the fucking place where all the shit's going to happen. Absolutely. Yeah. For sure. So now he just needs... Because I said so. Yeah. I mean it looked nice or whatever. And so he says like we got to get a bunch

of followers down here and they'll start building shit up. And then he goes back to Ohio with his bros that he brought down. The trip back to Kirtland is not great. Oh, when that said and on this podcast for that century bad things are coming. Well, one guy while they were driving back in a wagon he tried to jump out of the wagon and he got his foot caught in the wheel. What's he jumping off the wagon for? Slow down. Yeah. Yeah, I know. He went rogue. Yeah. You're gonna get a wagon foot if you go rogue. Yep. You're gonna get a spoky ankle. It turns out a little more than a spoky ankle. It's like a spoky leg. It turns out if you put your leg

into a wagon wheel it just kind of snaps, snaps, snaps, snaps. Like it's like a whole lot of bad. I didn't know it could bend like that. It can't. So they were like can you walk? And he's like... Not regularly. I can figure something out. I mean, Def Leppard's got a one-armed drummer. Yeah, that's true. Also from Ohio. You know so much. So they stayed in a tavern for a month while the guy healed. Okay. Four more waters, please. That's a long time to be like off the market if you're a prophet. Like you got a lot of shit to do. For sure, yeah. But while he was there waiting, Joseph actually came down with food poisoning. Okay. And he was at it

sitting at a table and he started really sick so he jumped up and ran for the door and started to vomit and then started to vomit blood. Oh God. And he vomited so violently that it dislocated his jaw. Oh Jesus. Dave, can we get a disclaimer next time in some way of what's coming? So Joseph Smith blood pukes his jaw out of socket? Yep. What did he eat? And what if you ate it? You're sitting across from me like, oh no. Tell Stacey I love her. Joseph, how are you? No, I'm not great. Don't eat the chili. Don't eat the chili. Get the chili. No. Get the chili. Get the chili. Four chilies if he loves it. Look at him. He's over the moon

about it. Let's get four. You want another one, Joe? Five. One for my man, Joey. Pound it. So he set the jaw back himself. He put a bag in place. As you do. Jesus, fix my jaw. It's like a jigsaw puzzle, but it's a jaw-head thing. Then he went to his friend's bedside and his friend laid hands on him. And Joseph was like, Joseph was like, I'm good. It's all healed, like instant. Just a bro putting his hands on him. Bro touch. Though the poisoning had, quote, caused much of the hair to become loosened from my head. Okay, so I'm just painting a pretty picture of this. I'm gonna go ahead and say let's shut the

kitchen down at this point. I don't think, I don't think we serve any other food for the rest of the night considering that Joseph Smith puked his jaw off and is now bald from something he ate. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what I regret? The cod. Yeah, I mean you don't get cod in the middle of Missouri. That's what I said after. And then I was right. Remember when I ran through the wall? Like the cool aid man? Shooting red out of me. Cool aid. Yeah. So they eventually made it back to Kirtland and when he got there he told everyone, he told his flock, that independence was the... Don't get clams at Rudy's. Biggest thing I've learned.

What will you get down there? Two things. Don't get the clams at Rudy's and then all sudden we're going to Independence, Missouri. We found the best place in Missouri to go for Jesus. But seriously, do not eat. I would just nix Rudy's all together from don't go there. It's me, Joseph. No, I know what I look like. No, I had one meal. It strikes me now that I should have just looked in just a tiny bit about what Mormons think. Because I don't know what... Whatever. I don't know if it matters, but I'm now thinking. Do they think he's the second second coming of Jesus? He's got a planet, doesn't he? So there's Jesus and then he's the next

round. Yeah, he's like Jesus too sort of deal. It's the prophet. He's just a prophet. He's a prophet of Jesus. Okay, got it. All right, cool. It sounds good. The religion at downgrade of Jesus. So he's looking for... He's looking for a city of Zion. So then the next coming will happen. So he's looking for a spot for the new son of... Right. Thought it was in Ohio. Was almost killed in Castro. Turns out it's not in Ohio. So then he was like, here it is. They don't know me. So... Right. So when they get... When he gets back to Ohio, he tells everybody and they were like, what the fuck? I thought we were doing it here. No, you didn't hear?

They almost cut my balls off and turned me into a bird with a cat guy. We're leaving. So a lot of them were bummed out. They thought independence, Missouri is a terrible idea. But Joseph put out the call for Mormons all over to pour into Missouri. Quote, if ye are faithful, ye shall assemble yourselves together to rejoice upon the land of Missouri. Oh, Dave. You just don't hear that very often anymore. Joseph went about revising the Bible as you do. There is a lot of fluff in here. This is just padding. Do we need to think about the one wise? I mean, let's just 1-7. There we go. New Bibles here. Get away from the cat guy. There

wasn't a lot of spaces for them to meet in Kirtland on Sundays, so they would mostly meet in their houses. So they decided they build a temple. Sure, absolutely. Which was a serious drain on funds and put Joseph into massive debt. But they needed it. They needed a fucking temple. Even though it would have been better to build a city and houses and stuff, they were like, no, what about a temple? Yeah. But Joseph, whoops, Joseph... He wouldn't be mad at that. He'd be like, happens all the time. Go ahead. But Joseph was also like, hey, well at the same time we're building the temple here in Ohio, let's fucking build one in Missouri.

Let's double this shit up. Two-time this. Two-time this fucker, he said. Two temples. It's not a quote. So now they're building one in Independence, Missouri, and one in Kirtland, which was basically creating two Mormon centers, right? With thousands of members. And the members in Missouri start to outnumber the members in Ohio. So there's like 800 in Missouri at this time, and then just a few hundred in Kirtland. Okay. And even ones in Kirtland are bailing and going to Missouri. Like in Missouri is the fucking hot shit. It's the hot Mormon spot. It's the fucking spot. Yeah. Out of the two, it's the one. Yeah. Competitive. The two settlements

started arguing over letter, which I've... Just texting, I can imagine what letters... Arguing over a letter would be like... Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think we have talked about... Yeah, the way that you... Good guy, fuck you! Then just... Day, night, day, night, day, night, day, night, day, night, day. Oh, that fucking prick. Well, he better. I think he talked to me like that. Day, night, day, night, day, night, day. I mean... You gotta... Oh, man. Whoo. That's what we should do to Trump. He can only write letters. He'd be like... So you can still get it out. It's just a little more work. I want to apologize to our Trump supporters here. He's a... No, no, no. Come on now.

Let's see this through. He's a good man. Okay. My prediction is, is that someone in the White House shoots him. One of his own guys just go, I... I can't. I can't. So... So... And then it's just like a costume deflates and there's just a little man who's like... Oh, I'm sorry. So, even more Mormons are pouring into Missouri from eastern states, mostly New York. By the summer of 1833, more than a thousand Mormons were living in four settlements west of Independence and then others living in the town. Okay. Still fractures within the Mormon community. A lot of fighting going on between themselves. Sure. In 1833, Smith introduced the United Orders. The Uniting Orders? United. United Orders. Okay. They

said church members would give over everything they own to the church in return. They would get everything they needed to live and succeed. No brainer. Give it up. They're just gonna give it back to you. Like they said. But it turned out not all the LDS folks were down with this sweet idea. Weird. Apparently it's super hard to take care of a bunch of people living in poverty when they don't have anything to kick in. Right. Okay. I mean, I guess I sort of see that side, but not a lot. So it quote, utterly failed. It's called trickle down, bro. It's pretty straightforward. So this caused more people to be upset in the church. And then Smith just said, let's do tithing. That tithing has been going on forever.

Is it tithing? This is what happens when you grow up as, when your parents raise you to not live in a fantasy world. Titan. Tithing. Tithing. Tithing. Thank you. I'm gonna say ripping off your friends. Now, Smith. Smith now had big plans for independence that included 12 temples. He's like, let's fucking build this shit out. Sure. He was going to make it the new Jerusalem. Okay. So as all these Mormons poured into Jackson County with weird ideas, the locals are like, what's, what's going on? I know we're just trying to do some normal stuff here and have for a while. I came here to catch beavers. Oh no. Well, we're building a landing pad for Jesus. He's a prophet. He lives on a planet. No, I'm just like,

I just have like a bunch of chickens and then I go out and I catch, I catch beavers and that's great. That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. No, that's, I, I found plates and invented a brother. So it's like we all got stuff. I'm just trying to keep it simple. We all get our own planet when this is all said and done too. Is that, no, that's, that's the, is that them? Yeah. Scientology. They don't get their own planet. Oh really? My own planet? I mean, you guys give out the planets. Why not? So. Imagine if that deal had to come through. We're out of planets. So, so tensions are super building up between the locals and the Mormons. Okay. It didn't help that the Mormons believed Native Americans were descendants

of the Israelites. Sure. Right. Mm-hmm. Israelis. I'm just now I'm fucking. So, so they, I just, a guy just went fuck. So, someone from Israel with less calories. Israel, life. Israel life. The Israelis. So, because they're trying to convert them. They're like, well, these, because they were like four, four tribes or civilizations or something. And one of them is the, the, they think that Native Americans might, it's all, it's really, it seems made up. So, I try to read it. The thing is, I try to read it for research and they go, fuck I'm bored. I'm bored with what you're saying. And then I'd stop. Right. If you're, if you're listening at home, Gareth pulled out the wrong beer. Now the right. And the crowd yelled

at him and then he, and then he went back and got the right beer. So, so, so they, they see them talking to the Native Americans. They're like, what the fuck's going on there? Because they're trying to convert them. Right. And so they're like, well, they're trying to team up. The Mormons are teaming up with the, the natives, right? Okay. That's a concern. It's a fucking genuine. They're like, what the fuck is happening? Surely. Right. But still boy Mormons keep pouring in by the summer of 1833, one third of the county population was LDS and locals are like, fucking what is happening? Yeah. This is super not cool. And so that now they get scared that they're going to, the Mormons are going to vote in

elections and just take over the whole county. And then they're going to be living under, under Mormons. What a nightmare that'll be. And Mormons started to quote, openly boast of their determination to be the sole proprietors of the land of Zion. Wow. They're like, we're just going to own this shit. And everyone's like, but I, we're really missing you guys weren't here. Yeah. It was so much better before you really great. The people who had been there for years just considered to be Jackson County. And they're like, this isn't Zion. It's fucking Jackson County, man. And there's probably a few people are like, can you believe we live in Jesus too? I had

no idea. So I can't wait to meet him. Then there was a big step over the line when the Mormon newspaper printed an article saying that slavery was bad. Well, that is again, again, sometimes the expectation, I forget the expectations. So you're like, here we go. This is going to be, oh, of course the controversy is flagging it. The article was called, the article was called free people of color. Okay. And the people of Missouri were like, what the fucking talking about? That's not why I moved here. Jackson County, I get to raise my chickens and hunt beavers and known people. That's why I'm here. You know, in that conversation, Joseph was having

earlier with that man. He didn't let him finish because he'd have become more of a villain with the owning people part. Yeah. Well, it gets super complicated for a while though. You're on the side of the locals and then you're like, oh, this got weird. Oh, no. I'm with Jesus. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus people. So they hold this huge mass meeting in July. Now, this is a time when vigilante action and mobs were seen as like super cool. Like it was like, let's do this. This is what we do. Like it worked against. What do we get pissed about tonight? But it's like, it's like to them, it's like a form of getting shit done. Sure. Okay. You had the stamp acts

in 1765, which worked against the debt collection during Shays Rebellion. What's your big fan of? I'm a big advocate of absolutely. So they, so they think legally that they can act against the Mormons if they just form like mob mob situation. Okay. They're like, this is how we do stuff here. All right, we're getting rid of Mormons tonight. We're all gathering. So they, they created a manifesto and it was signed by the county clerk, the postmaster, the judge, attorney law, justice of the peace, all the top dudes in the, in the fucking area. They're like, we're all on board. Okay. And they saw, they also saw the Mormons, not just as religious fanatics, but they're also like fucking gross poor people.

Uh, right? Cause they're like, all these poor people are moving in quote the dregs of society little above the condition of our blacks. So yeah, that's right. Imagine that. Imagine people coming in without a lot of fucking money and you're just trying to live your life and fuck your beavers or whatever you do. And then these goddamn pours come in and they're like, Hey, we want to live too. Fuck you. If you want to be poor and live, I get to own you. Sorry, was I talking about president? No, no, no, you need that. That needed to happen. That was important. Important message. Fuck beavers. I never gonna skin it. I'm gonna wear it. So it has tails a bit of a problem. Very strong, isn't it? You know, with, with

all the stories we've read on the dollop and all the history, you know, and how much hunting beavers comes up, you're right. Everything about just how that time period was just a fucking beaver holocaust. Like just like, there were just beavers like run around like this is the greatest thing we have the greatest fucking life here at build dams. And all of them, these white dudes are coming like, Holy fuck. Just everyone needs like, we just set up before any, any type of situation. See a white guy coming through just be like, let's get, let's get over here for a second. Everybody in the water, in the water, in the water, in the water. Do the straws, do the straws, do the straws. Just to be safe. How are you?

Oh no. How are you? Are you a zippy bears? Are you guys doing? So this group, they all get together, they send a, they send a group of 12 guys, a committee to head over to talk to the Mormons and, and tell them to close down the paper that it printed the shit about not owning people because that's fucked up. And then also to just leave. So first of all, we want you to print a retraction and then GTFO. Okay. Thank you. So the Mormons said, hey, can we get like 10 days to think about this? Absolutely. We don't want to rush you whenever it's good. And then, and then the locals responded by destroying the printing office and burning down a Mormon leaders house. Okay. All right. And then they tar and feather

to Bishop. Oh man. Did they give like a big old like a bird head when they feathered him? And quote, dump the goods for Sidney Gilbert store in the street. So this is the four things they did. Man. Yeah. So anyway, that's our answers to, can we have 10 days? That's a no. Then the people of the town held a meeting three days later and they deliver another ultimatum and they said one half of the Mormons living here have to leave by the end of the year. And then the other half have to be gone by April. So they're like, we'll work with you. Yeah. All right. I get it. Because there's not that many you hauls. They got to rent it, bring it back. So we get it. You guys jump out of wagons. Snap, snap, snap, snap,

snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. Slow it down, Warren. Hold on. Won't be longer now. Almost done. Almost. Snap. Oh, snap. Most. All right. In August word came to Joseph, who's in Ohio still, right? Sure. And they were when they got this news, they're like, Joseph, what do we do? Right? We go, they're telling us to get the fuck out. What do we do? You're our, you're our He told them not to sell any land because they'd never get it back if they sold it. And so now, so now they're kind of a limbo there in Jackson County. Now Zion, Zion, excuse me, excuse me, I apologize, new Zion.

And so now all the Mormons that were headed to Missouri are like, whoa, let's go to Kirkland. So everyone's kind of in chaos. Now, the Mormons petitioned the governor and asked him for protection. They're like, hey, can you help out because this is kind of fucked up. He told them he couldn't help with troops. Like he's like, I can't send troops, but you guys should totally like take this to the to court and sue him and see you guys. And the Mormons were like, but the judges are doing this.

And he was like, I don't know. That's quite a pickle. I get why you'd come here. All right. Well, we should end this. So the Mormons hired lawyers. And then when the people of Jackson County found out they had hired lawyers, they went bug fuck. So for seven days and seven nights, they attacked the Mormons.

All righty. Now back then there were unwritten rules for vigilante mobs. Is that where the God seems foolish your promise? The biggest one is that you're supposed to avoid bloodshed. Like you're supposed to just fuck up property, right? So that went a while for a while. They would attack property, throw stones and bricks at houses. They'd poke long poles through windows to break them.

Fine. Just my favorite. Just a guy with a pole. Jesus. Hey, not the fuck, man. Shit. It's so much harder to put in in this era. I'm annoying.

They would also tear off people's roofs. What? No, guys. Weather. Yeah. No, I get it. I get it. You don't want me here.

Can I not be wet? That's how you get someone out. Yeah. Fuck away. You get the roof off. All right. We got to get out. If you ever have a problem.

They're taking roofs. If you ever have a problem with your neighbor, just fucking pop that shit off. Yeah, the roof. Watch them go. We got a movie. It took our roof. It's a nightmare. But then they started whipping and beating the Mormons.

They're like, well, let's take this up a notch. They're not getting the hint. Well, Dave, I mean, if you take off a guy's roof and he's like, I'm not going. You got to fucking beat him up. And I'm sure this is over the course of seven nights. It's escalating. Yeah, it's escalating. So it's sort of like, hey, poke the windows.

Take the roof off. I'm going to stab some of these guys. Seriously, let's stab a bunch of them. So throughout the whole Mormon settlement, houses are trashed. But then things went up a notch when a mob attacked the Whitmer settlement for the second time, which led to serious fighting, and two local Missourians were killed and one Mormon. So at this point, the County Militia was called up to stop the mob and to negotiate a truce.

Right? They're going to come in. They're going to fucking calm shit down. You're going to talk it out. Sure. So the Mormons, they get there. And the Mormons, they're like, you guys got to give up your guns. So the Mormons give up all their weapons.

And then the militias like, let's fuck them up. And then the militias just join the mob and start fucking up the, like, you should have given up your guns, dummy, and just fucking. That's a tough moment. Yeah. All right. What's next? Oh, psych.

Let's kill them. Do you want to hear, like, what were they sold on? They were like, they thought there would be a... Well, so the Mormons are at this point pacifists. Like they're not, they're religious people. They don't believe in owning other people and they don't believe in, like, going to war. We're just people who never believe in that. No.

But they're right now, there's a big thing in the church, like it's about pacifism. There are some people that, at this point, are like, let's go fuck some people up, but mostly... There's a few Dave Anthony's in the Mormon church. Yeah. Three Dave's in the back. I say we just go, bug fuck. You guys want to bug fuck them, who's with me?

So then after that, they had no weapons, they had nothing, so they were just driven out of Jackson County at gunpoint, like the... Zion. Jackson County, Zion. Although now it's maybe Jackson County, now they're like, you know what, I don't think it was Zion. So we're over to, it's not Kirkland and it was not Jackson County, but when we get there, Jesus is going to be fired up.

We just need to go somewhere where they don't turn us into tarred birds and leave us with our roofs. Now they want us a roof. So they wait for fairies to cross the Missouri River into Clay County, where the good people of Clay County, you can tell me it's Kly, so the good people of Clay County were like, yeah, you guys can come here and be refugees here. That's totally fine, and we'll take care of you. So word reaches Ohio, and Joseph finds out, and Joseph does not have an answer, literally.

He is literally waiting for God to tell him what to do, fucking nothing, radio silence. That feels weird. Is he holy ghosting him? It's so weird too, because we know it's bullshit, so it's like, what is his version of what God is? I don't know, I'm a little worried, I really am. So everyone is like waiting around, like he's walking around, and currently being like, yeah, I haven't fucking heard anything, and everyone's like, gee, what's going on?

Like, everyone's just, it's like everyone's- You sure you're calling the right one? One Mormon, so weeks go by, one Mormon wrote in October, quote, we have received no revelations for a long time. Nothing. He's not tweeting. So pretty soon, Joseph starts to get like mad at God. Oh, well, well, well.

And he's actually starting to walk around murmuring against the Lord, he's like, all right, come on, you're fucking- God to me, tell me, I could talk to you whenever you don't answer my calls. My calls? Don't eat the clams at Rudy's. My calls? And then he asked, like it's mad, and he says, how long, how long the attack on Zion, how long will it last?

And then God got mad at Joseph. Oh, so he is up. And he said, be still, be still and know that I am God. Joseph's like, oh, okay, zip, I'm zipping it. So after months, yeah, totally just- This is like Dr. Phil time. God is just fucking shining him, like just totally not having it. After months, the Lord spoke.

Now, the Mormon, the Mormon who ran the newspaper in Ohio announced, quote, good morning, brethren, we have received news from heaven. And everyone's like, fuck yeah. Dude, I don't know what Joseph Smith's up to, but that is the greatest way to play it. Like dude, I'm trying to talk to the guy, okay? People are like, wow, he's really trying. I mean, he has to be, then the paper says that heaven called. Yeah.

Bring, hello. The red phone lit up. He had so much to say. He was gabbing. Oh my God, I couldn't- Mostly gossip. I couldn't get him to shut up after I was like, I get it, I get it. I had to tell him, I was told that I was studying for a test.

I don't know. All right, got- Uh-huh. So, they are not supposed to give up Zion. Oh, snap, well. What they are supposed to do is buy even more property in Jackson County. Well, okay, can I just say- Go ahead.

The delay is a little annoying because it would have been a lot easier to do the 180 earlier, but he was what, like on vacation for six months? Well, we sat here and thought we found a new Zion. He's thinking stuff out. I mean, look, he's allowed to rest, but it's been a while. Maybe- I mean, what has he done since the sixth day? Seriously, the dude needs a hit.

Get back in the studio. I mean, he made- Talk, call Joseph back. Let's nail down Zion. He mostly- Didn't mean to say nail down. He mostly is just- Uh-huh.

Yup. It was not okay. He's mostly just helping sports guys win games. Yeah, that's what he's- Yeah, for sure. No, he's talking to John Elway. So, so a while this is going on, the Mormon refugees are in Clay County and they've got hardly any shelter, clothing, food, so the locals are having to take care of them.

Sure. And after a while, Joseph gets his mojo back, right? I like this. He's been slouching around. He says the Rambo montage, boots are strapped. And he declares that he's going to Zion. Yeah. Who's coming with me?

Yeah. That's right. He called a council and everyone agreed. Everyone's like, that's the thing to do. And then they nominated Joseph as commander in chief of the armies of Israel. Here we go. Here we go. Right?

Okay. Yeah. I mean, this is a comeback story. It was just in the weeds and God was ignoring him. Yeah. Now he's got a fucking title. Yeah. Amazing title.

Yeah. Amazing. Let's go. Now, it's not a call for violence. They're pacifists, like I said, but still I like the picture that it's a Rambo montage and that's okay. But basically like we're not going to take any more shit. Let's get this done.

So the Mormons reach out to the governor again and he is like, you guys should like form a militia and buy guns. And they're like, oh, okay. He said he couldn't call the state militia in a time of public, only in a time of public danger, but not to protect the Mormons because they didn't like qualify. Right. It's like public, whatever. Sure.

Anyway, good luck guys. Tough to hear. Right. Good luck with your Mormon thing. Right. Yeah. I'm going to be over here governing. He just turns his back.

He's right here. Yeah. So, yeah. So he's like, just get a bunch of guns and make a little army. It'll be fine. So get outfits. Make a day of it. Good to see you.

You guys should go. You really should. So Joseph went around to a bunch of different states and places where there were Mormons and he raised up a group of men to go to Jackson County and they left Ohio with his militia, headed to Clay County to escort the suffering members back to their homes in Jackson County. Okay. So it's...

They're fucking head down there. They're going to be like, we're going to get you guys back in your houses that don't have roofs. Right. Right. And the wind was all broken. We're going to go to Ted's. His roof is still there.

You just go down there and some guys are like, I made it into a beaver house. Oh my God. You know you can have sex with the beavers. You know the password and you got money. The tail is like a falcon's wing. So you'll get a belly bruise. Are you a cop? You got to tell me if you are.

Hey man, I don't know what you're talking about. We're just petting the beavers in here motherfucker. You don't actually have to tell someone if you're a cop. Have you ever met a cop? I think I just did. You know a lot for a guy who's not a cop, cop, nice try asshole. So they're on the march, right? And then as they're on the march, this guy, the Painesville Telegraph wrote a story on

May the 9th in this paper, in the Telegraph. And it's basically he's ridiculing the Mormons at the same time, explaining that they're terrifying. So he warned the Mormons that people are going to freak out because they seem really militant. He said they're fanatical and slightly ridiculous. Kind of an asshole ad, isn't it? And to be honest, it's a little arch.

So we have notes. He said they had done nothing, even though they had done nothing warlock. He said they were like, he said they were warlock. It goes to Rudy's, don't eat there, I puked my hair out. So even though they hadn't done anything warlock, warlock, he's saying they had a holy seal for combat. A holy seal for zeal. Zeal.

Okay. Dude, I thought it was just thinking Navy seals, but holy were the holy seals. I would pay money to see holy seals. Yeah. Okay. So he described their weapons in the article, dirks, knives, swords, guns, powder horns. He said the prophet had a sword that was over four feet long. And just it was like, that's right, I do.

What are we talking about right now? It sounds like the kind of militia that meets it like park rec area 12 on Sundays. Let's do this gentlemen. One of the guys is a warlock. You lied. I thought I did it at home once. I did it at home. I think it's grass.

I think it's allergic to grass. I'm a dragon. Okay. You've not proven that. So reports of the incoming force, because those articles start getting around, and then anti-Mormon forces start to gather. So when the Mormon army arrives in Missouri, they find they're up against hundreds of men. And the Mormons camp and they try to negotiate.

They're there. It's not getting anywhere. Yeah, they have a sword. The guys there are like, yeah, no, we're not letting you back in. We'll stab you with the sword. No guns allowed. And then they all got hit with a stomach bug. Oh, no, Rudy's.

You know what? I'll go back one more time. I'll give it one. I'll try the chili once more. You know what? This is my fault. I ordered it out from Rudy's. I'm sorry, guys.

Yeah, it was the clams. Why? Are the clams bad? Yeah, I'll do one more. So they all start getting really bad stomach pain and then 14 die. Oh, shit. Yeah. So there was some serious shit going on.

That's like what canceled the San Francisco show. Same deal. So then after that, the Mormons were like, all right, we're going to take off. So they all disbanded and went in different directions. And that was the end of their big, let's get back in a Zion role. I mean, imagine the regret. Oh. All right, I'm done with this bullshit.

Yeah, we didn't think this through. 40 people just died from the stomach bug. He found plates. Not reading right anymore. So now a lot of Mormons are upset that they did all this shit and came back with nothing. Like they did this big effort. They come back with nothing. So the Mormons are now bickering and fighting with each other even more.

And even with all this, Joseph Smith still hoped the Mormons would be able to return to independent soon. He's like, we're going to get Joseph a quote. We will never give up the struggle for Zion, even until death or Zion is redeemed. I would have done that in reverse order. But yeah, for me, I'd just be like, we'll find another one. We'll keep looking. We got two Zions, what about three Zions?

So now the locals in Clay County, remember all the refugees? Now they're like, okay, we're kind of done with this shit. And on June 28th, 1836, a mob formed in Clay County to drive the Mormons out. They attacked and beat the Mormons. Is there not a way to sort of give a purge alert before this? To sort of be like, guys, tomorrow we're going to beat the living shit out of you. We're done. No, you don't get to ask any questions, rather than just be like, let's beat them.

Well, I think it goes like, you're like, hey, man, we don't want you guys here anymore. And then the Mormons are like, have you heard about Joseph Smith? And then they're like, God, fucking shut up. And then after a while, after a while, they get in a big group and go, let's kill him. I guess my point stands a little bit. There's a suddenness. I don't know if it's that sudden. I think the tensions are building for a while.

Right. But still like tomorrow. Okay. So whatever. Mobs are fun. No, you're right. Yeah. So they beat them up.

And then the next day, a meeting of locals was held and they told the Mormons to leave before they did worse. And the church leaders are like, that sounds reasonable. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah, we can actually totally do that. And they asked nearby Ray County, they asked the people there, like, hey, can we move, can we move to your county? And the people in Ray County were like, no, why no, we're not your fucking third county.

No, no, no, no, you don't understand. We needed to go to Clay County and Jackson County to know that this was the right county. Yeah. Well, I don't understand. I feel dirty. I feel dirty. So no. I mean, you're really overreacting to Clay County, who's like, not a big deal to me at

all. At all. Yeah. This is the county I want to be in. Is that why you're there for months? I only want to be in this county. You're there for months. This is Zion.

Did you not know that you lived there? Oh my God. This is what you said about the last two counties. Really? I'm not going to have this conversation. How many fucking Scions do you know? I'm not, I'm not going to have. How many Scions do you know?

I'm not going to have this conversation again when you're being irrational. Just, just go. Just get out. Fine. Back to Clay County. And I love you, you're Zion. So once again, they went to the governor and they're like, hey, can you protect us? No, I've been pretty ambivalent the whole time.

Why are you here? Go. No, not a fan. Actually at this time, this time he said, he said, you know, this has been happening so much. Maybe it's you guys. Oh, sassy little governor. Have you guys, have you guys thought about taking a look at your own behavior a little

bit? Have you guys ever tried looking at the man in the mirror? The governor. So then a member of the state legislature submitted a bill to create a separate but equal area north of Ray County. So the end solution that they came up with was one that was basically being used in America with the Native American tribes. They created a separate county for the Mormons called Caldwell County.

As long as the LDS state on their side of the county border all would be good and they could run it any way they wanted. And this way the state, right, they're out of sight, out of mind, the state's totally fine. And then this is the way they could keep the peace, right? And basically the area above, it's above Ray County, is that what I said? Basically the area up there is, it's like not that great. Like it's not good for farming and shit like that.

It's not as good of land, but the Mormons like, let's not die. Do you have any doubt when like, people are being like, here, you can keep your little Jesus space over here that like, maybe this is not right. Maybe it's not good, yeah. Like, we're not getting the respect you think you'd get for shepherding God through a star gate. A little God due respect for the scientists. Anyway, I also want to remind you to vote Romney.

So they go to this man. The way they must have transferred dogs back then, well, Romney just like strapped it to his car. What do they do in the 1800s? It's like, throw him, throw him, put him in the wagon wheel, he'll be fine. I totally forgot he did that. I forgot that. No, put his dog on the roof of his car and was like, what?

What's the big deal? Pull the fucking Chevy Chase. On purpose. She likes it. How do you know, Mitt? You been on the windshield when driving? She's smiling. That's available on our 2005 dollop standup album.

Who let the dogs out? Yeah. Special kind of racism went on that day. Mitt Romney. Do you guys know what he's talking about? It's brutal. So they go to this area, North of Richmond, and they bought out the few settlers who were there and they established a city called Far West.

Catchy. Is that still a city? So now Mormons are, now this is the new new Zion, triple Zion, you're going to fucking nail it eventually. No, this is when you hit. Yeah. So Mormons are pouring in again. It's all great.

They got their own place, they're killing it. Caldwell County, early 1838, after experiencing the problems in Ohio, Joseph Smith came to Far West and the settlement became LDS church headquarters. Many other church leaders followed from Ohio, but Caldwell County turned out to be too small for all of the Mormons. Oh boy. Time to get some of those planets involved. All that a favor or two.

And soon LDS settlements were pushing into nearby Davies and Carroll counties. Once again, they're rubbing up against old settlers and tensions were starting to pick up. Okay. Now, the Mormons also had a pretty serious fighting force that they created around this time called the Danites. The Storm and Mormons. Storm and Mormons.

Where are coming? The Stormonites. It was originally created to deal with the sentient within the church, but now they were serving as, they're going to be like a secret vigilante force to deal with outsiders if needed. Okay. The muscle. The Mormon muscle.

I believe Porter Rockwell was one of them, not mistaken. Yeah. So we did him earlier. Yeah. You don't remember that. In June of 18, I mean, I try. My research ends when we stop talking into microphones. Yeah, but you can still remember it.

It'd be nice, but we're not going to get everything we want out of me, Dave. Let's lower these expectations. So now there's serious, again, there's still a lot of infighting in the Mormon church, right? Sure. In 1838, all of the church dissonance got a letter from them saying, get the fuck out. Or shut your fucking mouth forever. So they're like, okay, that sounds, I can do that.

I'm going to butcher this guy's name. The leader of the Danites, Avard, Evert, Avard. You guys don't know? Make it up, Dave. Must not have been that great. Avard. He focused on the external threats. He promised that all resistors, which are resistors of guys out there pulling shit, vigilante

guys, that they would be, quote, driven over the prairies as a chased deer by a pack of hounds. Well, I don't think deer like hounds. So the Danites aren't fucking around. They carried military titles, authorizing their secret work. One was called The Surgeon. That feels scary. Now, here's a...

Unless he's just a surgeon. I'm here to help. He wasn't a surgeon. Niall Malahelp. There's another guy, Commander... This name. Fuck this name. The Commander-in-Chief of Adam-Andy-Aman?

Yeah, fuck. Okay. I'm not going to do that. That was bullshit. All right, Dave. All right. I mean, I was close. All right.

I was fucking close. Come on. Come on. Come on. I don't know. All of a sudden, all of a sudden people are yelling. David. People are speaking in tongues in the audience.

Okay. All right. All right. Another Commander-in-Chief for troops at Far West? That's a pretty basic one. Catchy, yeah. You know what he did, right? Seriously.

Yeah. Another was giving the title, the leader of the Flying Horses? Well, I think I know the title I'm after. I'm a charge of the Pegasi. Come, boys. What do you do? Oh, that sounds cute. Me?

Oh, I run the Flying Horses. So, should be here pretty soon, by the way. I catch Pokemon. Yeah. Okay. Hi, partner. Hi. I catch Pokemon.

We're not sure what he's saying, but, um, he fell under a wagon, we know. No, we're done talking, you and I, so. Joseph Smith was given the title of Commander-in-Chief of the whole kingdom. Okay, cool. Cool. I'm still going for Flying Horses title, for sure. So now the Mormons are expanding into towns in Davies County. Now they've said that they won't go out, like they're like, we're not going outside the

county fucking lines. Right. So now they're expanding into Davies County without talking to the locals. Okay. I mean, they're just like overflowing. Yeah, they're overflowing. Okay. So there's a mosh pit of Mormons that are just like, we need room.

The main reason they went into other counties was because the land is so cheap and it could be bought at government auctions. Okay. And the church plan was to squat on the land and then buy it for a super cheap price, which was totally like normal back then. Like you'd squat on the land, you'd fix it up, you'd plant some crops, you'd make it nice and then you'd buy it for cheap and be like, sweet. Okay.

So the deadline for auction property was several months away and the church had all of its members in place. Right. So they got people everywhere to get the land, but the townspeople were afraid of living so close to Mormons and that would lead to war. A world war. And they're breaking the law too. Right.

So the people are breaking the law too. So they planned to buy all the law, all the land was blocked by the locals and the land ended up being all bought by the locals. Okay. Interesting. So the Mormons are pissed. Right. They're like, we've been robbed and the locals are like, we shouldn't fucking be here.

We think you're crazy. And then Smith was like, well, if we can't get land through legal channels, we'll get it some other way. That did not sound like pacifism. Also, go ahead. And so then people in the church were like, that's not pacifism. So even more people split. So there's another split.

They're always fucking fighting. Yeah. They're just... I just, after a while I was like, I get it. You're fighting. They just started fighting again. And also just you have to just be like, Zion can't be this hard to find if it's real. Yeah.

It seems like... Like we're just looking in the Midwest this shitload. There's like a lot of roadblocks. Have you noticed that? The whole Zion thing? A lot of roadblocks, a lot of red flag. Remember when you were vomiting blood? We...

Of course I do. And part of your head came off. In the news, we found Zion in Champaign, Illinois. Okay. Guys, I hate to tell you, but we got to find a new Zion. Who can say Zion 4? We're going to go with a sort of fast and furious Zion vibe. So, a bunch of them left and resigned.

There's ex-communications. Now, there's this guy, Sidney, which, oh, Rigdon, which I had brought up before. They're really close. And on the 4th of July, he gave a big sermon, which he called a Mormon Declaration of Independence. They've already sort of been declared that. It's not by themselves. He declared war on all of Missouri's non-Mormon population. It said...

Alrighty. So, the ants are going to take a sandwich. Yeah. He said they would not obey states or cities or the mobocracy. That's an actual word. Is it? Yeah. Mobocracy.

You can figure out what it means. Governing by a mob. It's like, yeah, America. Now, so the Mormons are fired up. Quote, the mob that comes on us to disturb us, it shall be between us and them a war of extermination. A lot of words. It's printed up, of course.

They print that shit up and pass it around. Might as well pass that out. There you go. We haven't edited it. So election day comes in August, August 6th. Obviously there's a lot of tension. Sure. Let's try to see how this name goes.

Gallatin? Yeah. Okay. It's Gallatin. So it's in Davies County and at the time, it's made up of 10 houses, three of which are saloons. Okay. I don't want to, that's what I need to be.

Met my six neighbors. We get fucked up. I like the one, I like the guy at 10 house, a town, one guy opens a saloon and the other guy's like, well, I'm going to open a fucking saloon. You know what this town needs? A post office, a bar, a third bar. So a large, a large group of Mormons are heading out of the polls to vote and the locals are like, no, we're not, we're not a fan.

Sure. And one local yelled that Mormons should not vote, quote, no more than the Negroes. They always got tied in. They were just fucking tying it in. That's all they got. It's always, it's what I love about these shrapnel, lots of shrapnel everywhere, needless shrapnel. That's when you cut to a black guy over at the bar, like fucking what?

Yeah. Why? The fuck you say? Why? Uh, you're no better than a Native American. Hey, I fucking hear you. No offense to you. We just hate you.

And we're telling. We hate everybody, but guys, we, we gotta be, we hate everyone. Holy shit. I'm sorry. We're not being clear. We only liked one another. So the rest of you are going to get mad. We don't care.

We like us. Let me see, we, do you mean people? No. Okay. Cause I thought. Absolutely not. I thought. Me.

So me and my people here for like centuries before you guys came and we're. Okay. I was, I was in a, I read a book earlier and it's like, who cares? Give me all your stuff. I'm not dark. What are you not getting? Give me all your things. They're mine now.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Give me your food. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Is this your wife's? Mine now. I don't like her, but you can't ever get out of here.

Oh, I like your bed. It's my bed now. Don't fuck with me. Yeah. You know what? I, I just realized we never really liked Missouri. So. Let me go ahead and take it off.

Happy Thanksgiving. If we go live in Kansas, you guys will leave us alone, right? No. Just let us have Kansas or whatever's past Kansas. Now we'll like it eventually. We like to fucking make more of us. We'll need it. We need everything.

All your toys are ours. We get everything. Yeah. Get out of the pool. It's our pool. For my floaties. I'm comfy. You're sad.

I don't care. So. So a mob forms in the town and then a local, a local judge, William Peniston, he's known for being very vocally anti-mormon. He said, quote, I headed a mob to drive you out of Clegg County and would not prevent you from being mobbed now. He's like, he's just bringing the fucking judge shit. I feel like they think they're dropping Bruckheimer lines and they're just like eight words too

many. Yeah. And the judge from before who judges all this time, boom, take that Mormon. So they wouldn't step aside. Mormons are not backing down now and a fight begins. Mormons and locals just start beating the shit out of each other with logs and rocks. Well, I mean, at least no names. Only the Mormons withdrew.

Okay. Now the Denites then go to a local judge and make him sign an affidavit promising even-handed judgment. Okay. Shit. I mean, they're starting low. They're starting like, the Denites are like, fuck you, motherfucker. We want to be equals.

Hey, man. I know it sounds crazy. We just want you to be actually fair, please. So the judge signed it. He called the Danite leader, quote, a mean man. Okay. Boom. So fucking.

Take that. There's just fucking bombs being dropped left and right, like people are fucking hardcore. Yeah. But once the election day fight had occurred, it was on. So all of our Missouri were willing to take up arms and fight. Marauders went out and attacked Mormon farmers. Joseph ordered all Mormon families in Davies County into Adam, Andy, Amun, whatever. You mean it's Adam, Yodiyamun, and Eve?

Yep. Not Adam, Yodiyamun, and Steve. Right. That's right. In retaliation for all this happening, Missouri Governor Biggs denounced all Mormons as, quote, horse thieves, bass counterfeiters, and dupes. I don't know what the deal is with counterfeiting fish. Counterfishing.

Oh, are you talking about the counter-fishinger? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the co-fishinger works with the counter-fishinger. It is good to finally put a name with a face. I am a... So an all-new co-fishinger. What a hack.

So the big fear is that they'll be ruled, the people that we rule by Smith. That's their biggest... Oh, yes. Thank you. Their biggest fear. Casey from Casey. There's like a statewide freakout that they're going to be ruled over by the Mormons. So Smith goes to see two generals that he knew.

They're also lawyers, wanted to represent, rented them at one time. He saw their advice and they were like, well, you should turn yourself in. Like that'll be the thing that... And put yourself up for trial. And he was like, why am I talking to you? I don't like your advice much. You guys are bad at this. The Missouri State Militia was determined not to annihile an armed force in the county.

On October 11th, a mob bore down on the Mormon town of DeWitt. They burned houses as they approached, and when they got there, DeWitt was abandoned. The people of Carroll County then kicked out all the Mormons that were living there. But now the Mormon militia was on the march in Davies County. And they're just like, we just want to find Zion. Or be equal. I mean, it's essentially like what Amazon just did. They're like, are you the new Zion?

Can Zion be your town? That's the word. That guy, Jeff Bezos, needs to be eaten. Eatin', eatin', like put on a barbecue, cooked up, eatin'. I'll tell you what, I don't know how tender that meat's gonna be. He's jacked to the nines. So I mean, you're gonna want to get in on the rump or some thigh. Breasts are...

I mean, they're just gonna be so tough. I don't know who's training him, but anyway, keep going, sorry. You were talking about the most tender part of the Bezos. The world might get so fucking crazy that we actually might end up eating Jeff Bezos. I know. I know. It's like possible. I mean, you know what?

Fine. Anything's possible. He's killing people in his warehouses. Oh, got a little weird there. But have you seen those gloves that light up? Worth it. Most people in Amazon warehouses are not in mode, but a lot on food stamps. He's a billionaire, by the way.

Eat him. Yeah. So... Right. So do it. Is it abandoned? He'll be all right. No, I'm just...

Sometimes shit comes down. No, I'm just... I'm just... I'm like the other day would like... You gotta make a point. You gotta make a point. No, okay. Sorry.

What's going on? The people of Carroll County kick them out. Now the Mormon militias on the march in Davies County, the Clay County militia meets them and told them legally they could not come into their county. But then they do anyway. The Mormon militia attacked Gallatin, Millport, and Grindstone Fork. They took over towns and burned people's homes. Both sides are committing atrocities at this point.

Okay. They're committing atrocity. The Danites are fucking going crazy. Governor calls up the militia to defend the counties. Finally, hey, thanks for coming around, dude. Hello, what did I miss? Boy, have you had the chili at Rudy's? That is unbelievable.

I actually, looking back, I feel a little bit weird about saying form an army and buy guns now that this has gone crazy. I feel like I'm, it sounds crazy, partially responsible. The county seat was burned and the Mormons marched towards Richmond. Meanwhile, they expected an attack on far west. Here's how you stop a Mormon militia. You're just like, Jesus, he's down here. They're like, huh?

For real? And then you just get a guy to dress up like him. What? Just get some dude to dress up like him. Everybody hank, dress up like Jesus. Hey, sorry, that took so long. All right, no more militias. I'm here finally.

Sorry dad was such a weirdo. He likes you, but he doesn't like you like that. So it's me, Jesus. I turned beer into wine. Uh, so Mormons have come down from Ohio and Ontario, like they're getting reinforcements. Okay. Re-Mormons. Re-Mormons.

Joseph ended up, uh, Joseph, sorry, Joseph called for his flock to give a courageous resistance so they could quote, check them in their mad career. All right. I mean, look, they're not all home runs. Yeah. I kind of like that one. Joseph can fucking knock a bunt every once in a while. Wait, what did he say again?

Check them in their mad career. I like it. You do? Yeah. All right. On October 25th, the state militia launched a surprise attack on a Mormon community called Oof. I've been there.

Hans Mill. Yeah. All right. Hans Mill in Caldwell County, roaming state militia disarmed families and they, uh, had started to gather there for protection. About 200 Missouri militia attacked. Most of them were families. Uh, a lot of the women and children managed to escape into the woods, but the men and

boys gathered in the blacksmith's shop and they were massacred, uh, 19 when all one was just 10 years old. There was, there was a quote. Now, again, I had to go through a lot of shit to try and find out what was real. There was a quote that I raced on as backstage that the guy who killed the 10 year old said, quote, I had to kill him. He'd grow up to be Mormon. And I was reading through it and I was like, there's no fucking way.

Not only did that, that means that guy would have had to walk around at bars and be like, and then I said, he's going to grow up to be a Mormon. Like the only person who heard that would have said that would have been a, one of the victims, but they're all dead. So. So I think some of this shit was embellished. Okay. Not this.

I tried to narrow this down to the basic, man, well, I mean, yeah, it's, what Debbie Downer of the Mormon story or just me in general. Yes, Davey Downer to you, sister, Dave's like, uh-huh, yeah. The Mormons marched on Davey's County. They burned about 50 buildings, uh, Justice Uncle John Smith, they picked some great names in that. Yeah. No, they're really cool.

Yeah. They're like the Foremans. Yeah. John, Jerry, uh, reported, quote, we have driven most of the enemy out of the county. A week later, Davey's County was a nightmare battle zone. Families were driven from their homes on both sides, lawlessness prevailed and quote, pillaging was the rule. The Mormons heard that an invasion force had crossed in a Caldwell County and taken

three Mormon prisoners. The Mormon prisoners were said to be facing execution that day. So Mormon named Charles Patton, who was known as, give me a fear not and thunderbolt. Also, wait, also my favorite detective show from the seventies. It feels like they also took, you know, are these titles? What are these? Don't know. What is it?

Fear not thunderbolt? Fear not and thunderbolt. You're not and thunderbolt. I'm fear not and also thunderbolt. I couldn't decide because both are good. So I went with fear not, animals and thunderbolt. By day, I'm fear not, but at night, I become thunderbolt. Hello, I'm fear not and thunderbolt.

Hey. Let's get down to business. I'm Doug. Good to meet you Doug, fear not and thunderbolt. Now, let's figure out a way to end this. I'm a downer. I don't mind it. I think we're going to pair well together.

My name is fear not and thunderbolt. So there were, so this guy, fear not and thunderbolt takes, it takes a Mormon company down the Missouri forest is made up of 65 men and they're camped in the bend of a river and the Mormon forest attacks them at night, killing two or three. The militia did not have swords, so they couldn't fight at close range and were driven across the river. Samuel Tartwater. I don't like the taste of it.

I'll name my family that. It's tangy. It's tangy. I'll name my family after this moment. He was grabbed by two Mormon soldiers as he ran into the river, barely conscious the Mormons cut him with their corn cutter sword. He suffered a severed jaw and multiple wounds, his skull was cut open and his upper teeth were destroyed.

Whoa, whoa, Dave, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. Holy shit. Were they shooting an infomercial on him? One of Brigham Young's brothers was there. He said he saw angels holding Tartwater's arms so he couldn't resist. Tartwater managed to survive despite the angels. Despite the fucking angels. He fought off two guys and two angels.

Think about that. And he had his head diced. Yeah. And the whole walk back, he's like, fucking angels. They're strong. They're super, I didn't know. They're wings of the strength of a beaver's tail when you're trying to ram. I did not know.

Angels are fucking crazy. Dude, they fucking hold you and guys just hit you with swords. What the fuck? What kind of angels are you? We're dicks. Shut up. One Mormon was killed in the fight. Our boy, fear not, in Thunderbolt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He died. Was mortally wounded. No. What? Fear. So. One word is last.

Ah, god. I'm going to change into fear in Thunderbolt. I should have gone with I don't care, rainstorms. The state militia did not get there to help out until two days later. So that's. Hey, what did we miss? Sorry, super late for a fight. Sorry.

This battle is known as the Battle of Crooked River. Some of the beaten force reached Governor Boggs, who then called up a force of 2,500 men. He said LDS had committed open and about defiance of the law and made a war upon the people of Missouri. And then he issued Missouri executive order 44 quote, the Mormons must be treated as enemies and must be exterminated or driven from the state if necessary for the public peace. Their outrages are beyond all description.

Okay. So. It's time. It's go time. You don't. You don't hear anymore. People using the word extermination. You don't.

Not when it comes to humans. In a bill. At least in America. Yeah. Yet. Yet. Give that about five years. Yeah.

You're all laughing. I make the podcast. They'll come for me. As Jeff Bezos is eating a Dave Anthony steak, like, that's could easily happen. Yeah. And I'll be there like, I'm willing to do whatever, Jeff eat some of them. I'd love to. Absolutely.

Great to meet you too. Thanks. Thanks for bringing me here. Thanks for bringing us here. You're welcome. You want to be my footstool? Yeah. I'd love to.

Yeah. No, that is a. It's good. I have a good back. So I think that'll be good. So. Yeah. So.

I want to buy your buddy Dave. Want to taste? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What a downer. Is it bitter?

It's tart. It tastes like anger. I think it blocked my taste buds. So he basically legalizes murder against Mormons, which by the way, was not repealed until I think 1979. So in the early 70s, you could have just killed a Mormon and been like, what? What? What?

Well. Nothing. It's weird. It's weird. It's great though. Just kill them. The Mormons declared martial law in far west. Those who refused to fight had to contribute supplies.

Far west was soon surrounded by Missouri militia and outnumbered five to one. They took the town at the end of October and Joseph Smith surrendered. One of the Missouri generals who took the town was the same one Smith had consulted with previously who had told him to turn himself in. So he's like, oh, I should have. Yeah. You know what I should have done, smart. The general was now told by the ranking general, quote, sir, you will take Joseph Smith and

the other prisoners into the public square and shoot them at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. But the guy knew him, you know, so he was like, I'm not going to do that. He refuses. He called the order bloodthirsty. And I have a nine. A what? I have a nine. I have a thing at nine.

So I can't. 9 a.m.? Are you saying you have an appointment? I have a thing at nine. I have a thing from 9 to 11. What's the thing? I'm going to, I'm actually trying to get a chiropractic degree. So that starts at nine?

That starts at nine. That goes to 11. And I have to be. I can't miss. I cannot miss. Because I missed two and you're only allowed to miss two. How long does it take to get there? To get to the place?

Yeah. It takes about, I mean, 30 minutes, 30 minutes if you don't fall on the wagon. So let's do, let's do the execution at 11.45. Well, I, I, I could say probably, but I'm not 100% because sometimes they make you do work after and you have to do like a little study group and kind of come up with a bunch of stuff and go through some of the, the different vertebra and, and learn about the subluxation, which is sort of the gas that's in between. And that's what you hear when it, when it pops.

So I'm sorry. Here I go. I'm just a big fan of it. Obviously I have a passion about it. And, but so from nine to 11, I'm doing that. I just, I don't want to leave you hanging and I'm pardon, I'm not trying to be that guy. But I really, I really, I think, I think we maybe even just scrap tomorrow just because

I don't even know how much work I'll have Thursday works. I have a lunch, but I can do early. Okay. I didn't have a nine yet. So the chiropractic general has everyone's back feeling, he told the commanding general that if he persisted with his action, there would be quote, an earthly tribunal. So the commanding general back down and Joseph Smith and the others were handed over for a hearing.

The prisoners were brought into the court, quote, chain to a long pole to keep them a distance from the judge. Okay. So I guess they can't run. I guess it's like a pull across the room and they can't run forward. Maybe. On the contrary, I believe, yeah, that's like battle ram into it. No, no, no, no, they won't do anything, sir, we've just given them a huge log with momentum

capabilities. Here we are. We're going to take our lunch. We have an 11, so. So the sentence for treason is 10 years to death. Joseph Smith was quite a spectrum anywhere in there, anywhere in there. That's a big wide gap. Joseph Smith blaze the blame the crazy people of Missouri and said he had acted in self-defense.

And then a bunch of Mormons came in and just turned on each other. The leader of the Danites testified against all the Danites. He said Smith was the main force behind the vigilante group and all the violent orders came from him. Basically, everyone's just fucking rolling on Smith and on each other. Okay. He's, and this is just a hearing. He said, he said Smith was intent on setting up a temporal and spiritual kingdom on the

spoils of non-mormon citizens. And so they're like, yeah, we can do a trial. So they order a trial, but it never happened. As they were being transported, the prisoners escaped or they were allowed to escape. It sounds like the guy who was driving him was like, get out of here. I don't lock it. Well, they probably, I would imagine, didn't want a martyr situation on their hands with thousands of Mormons.

That's what I would imagine, but who knows? No, I think you do kind of get the idea that sometimes it's better to not have the death be the cause of change. Yeah. Yeah. Smith headed to Illinois where he sent over 700 petitions to the federal government trying to find justice or some sort of compensation, anything. He went to Washington and argued for protection from President Martin Van Buren.

And he was like, nah. You don't come to Washington to get protection from the president. Well, Van Buren was like, literally, like, I don't know. The people in Missouri, like I carried that state. So you see where I am. You guys dead or votes, it's hard. Anyway, you look weird, so. The Supreme Court ruled if the federal government took military action, it would infringe on

state rights. So the government was concerned about the, quote, Mormon menace. They hoped the states would somehow stop the Mormons, so the government's like, please, you guys kill them. But more and more Mormons now are pouring into Illinois, which is where they're head quartered. Zionish. We're getting the Zion vibe again.

More and more splits happened. It's like the fucking norm. A paper called The Expositor keeps shitting on Smith and many consider it blasphemy. Nearby towns start to get in on the old, let's get the Mormons out of here, fever that happened. One town Warsaw organized what they called a, quote, wolf hunt. Non-Mormon, Illinois vigilantes started doing their thing, Joseph Smith was arrested and let go and arrested. Like basically his whole life after that point is just getting arrested, then they're like,

you're fine. And then he'd hang out and they'd be like, you're arrested and then it was just over. It's like the Lenny Bruce of religion, essentially. So his life seems like it's fine one minute, the next minute he's being hunted, the whole time they're rewriting the Bible and shit. It's a good time. Basically, Illinois is a whole other podcast. In 1944, Joseph's brother, Hiram, Hiram, sure, whatever, Hiram and Joseph were jailed in

Carthage. The jailer was a nice guy and he let them stay upstairs in like an apartment situation above the jail. Okay, nice. It's a two-bedroom, two bath. At some point, someone smuggled in a couple of guns. Okay. Ooh, I just saw a couple of kisses and a dollop.

You saw him kiss or you heard him kiss? That is so disturbing. I think it's cute. So then some day someone brought wine into the jail one day. Still sounds pretty fucking awesome so far. And a strobe light, hey, puff, puff, pass, man. So the guards got drunk and then around 5 p.m., a bunch of locals rushed in, about 100 or so.

That's a lot. They shot at the door as all the Mormons, like five Mormons and they're holding it closed. Hiram, is that it, Hiram, was shot through the wood and he died immediately. Fire him. Another man, John Taylor, was shot twice. Now Joseph Smith has a gun, which he uses to shoot back. He hit some of the guys as they bust through the door and then he ran for the window.

But he was shot before he made it and then he fell out the window. So this does happen. And yelled, oh my Lord, my God, has he dropped? No, shut up. That's what I fucking... Oh, for real? I mean, that's what he said. That's how Kelsey Grammer fell off the stage in that one video.

Oh my God, my Lord. Oh my God, my Lord. And we all need to have our last words planned, just in case. Have something good. That's how you get remembered. Oh my God, my Lord. Sad. Sad.

He was dead before he hit the ground. Wow. How did they... They didn't know that back then. That coroner was like, oh, he died of... Well, two of the guys that were there sort of looked like he died from the bullet. From a distance. Quincy was there.

Okay. He's pretty old. Hey, hey. Another witness, though, said the mob lined Smith up against the wall and killed him with a firing squad. Yeah, different. So that was the end of Joseph Smith. You guys know what happened to Mormons.

They went to Utah and killed a bunch of people. Yeah. But they found Zion. Boom. And we got Oren Hatch. Now how many Mormons are here are mad at me right now? There's a militia in the back. There's got to be some, right?

There's got to be some. I don't know. A couple of you? I will say, in our experience of Mormons who come to dollops, they are very cool people. They are. They actually are. Ex-Mormons and active Mormons. There was some Mormons in Utah who came to a show and we were like, what was that

like just now? And he was like, it was hilarious. And he was like, goodbye. We were like, okay. Sure. I don't... I mean, religion to me, I just don't really pay attention. No.

You're like you said, Catholic. Yeah, I'm totally checked out. So I literally don't know any of the stories or what happened or what the meetings are. So I tried. I think you did great, Dave. Didn't Dave do great, everybody? Did Dave do great? That was a long one.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, man. Yeah. I guess when you... It could have gone... Mormon militia. You could do a 10 episode Mormon doll-up.

If you guys want to hang around, I mean, how long is that going to take? Yeah. That was fucking great. Well, guys, thank you so much for coming out. We really appreciate it, truly. Yeah. We know we got some young fans here, so... Thank you guys very much.

Appreciate it, truly. Thanks a lot. Thank you guys so much for coming out.