The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 326 - Robert Smalls

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine South Carolina's Robert Smalls. SOURCESTOUR INFO MERCH BY JAMES FOSDIKE

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listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is a bilingual American History podcast. You need to learn another language if you're gonna do that. Each week I read a story from American History. Your name is? David Anthony to my friend. Garrett Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Bam! Mic drop and then intro. And called it quote is jam-packed. I'm the fucking hippo guy. My name's Gary. What? Is it for fun? And this is not gonna come to Tiggly podcast. Okay. Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep, no hippo. That's like no hippo. Actually partner. Hi, Gary. No.

Nicely done, my friend. No. No. Roder. Roder in the car. I thought that was the old man. We're live. Step it up. Have your morning voice on. We're live. How do you how do I turn him so I can't hear him? How do I turn him down? I think I might have to leave. April 5th, 1839. All right. Year of our Lord. Everything seems to be the year of our Lord. Jesus Christ. Okay. Robert Smalls was born a slave on Ashdale Plantation on Ladies Island, South Carolina. What's the hell? There's a lot to digest here already. Yeah. Ladies Island. Hi. And that is a Fox show? Yeah. Ladies Island is a Fox show. Okay. Yeah. So the makers of Cougar Town. Ladies Island. So the way it works is there are 12 women dropped on an island. Help. They kept to kill

each other. Oh my God. What? The last one out gets addressed. Is there a host? It's a good show. Oh my God. Hey, look amazing. His mother, Lydia Polite. What's Dave? What happened? A lot happened. His mom's Lydia Polite. Yeah. Okay. She was 43 and she was a house slave. Okay. House slaves had a better life than field slaves, obviously. Sure. We've all seen in the films. Yeah. Many were taught to read and write. Sure. House slaves anyway. The children of house slaves are often raised alongside their master's white children. Okay, right. Female slaves served as nannies, right? Yeah. So it's like a family affair sort of thing. Except half of the families forced exactly half of the families forced to be in the family. Yeah. Yeah. With Robert Smalls,

Robert Smalls, who's father as it's a little murky. We're not really sure who was father. You mean Richard and Polite? That's not a, no one, no. It is believed his mother's owner, Henry McKee, was Robert's father. Okay, gotcha. We, some people would call that rape. Yeah, no. And strong history of it too. Yeah. Others think the founding fathers. Yeah. Big fans. Big fans. Others think Henry McKee's father, John McKee, was Robert's father. So either the owner or the owner's dad. Was there a Mori Island? We should get them on that. There was also Patrick Smalls. Okay. Who was a white manager on the plantation and people thought that he might be the father. His last name obviously matches, but one Smalls biography concluded the name Smalls was given to Robert

because he was short. Okay. And not because he was the, I mean, it's a nail in the coffin for the Smalls guy. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Ken Burns can do the whole documentary about just this. And is that just what we're, we're in like the Dick Tracy naming phase of enslavement? That's fun. But his father was definitely white because Robert Smalls had, quote, distinct mulatto features. Cool terms. Welcome back to cool terms. Cool terms that are fine to use. Henry McKee treated Robert like a son in some ways, except he didn't teach him how to read or write. Right. So in a couple ways, a son in the way that you don't beat him maybe or you let him sleep inside like those kind of ways. Right. Good father stuff. The McKees had four kids,

although one died at five, another one at two. No, wait, they had 10. He ended up having 10. So at this time, I think they had four. Either way, it's not something that we can joke about or laugh about. Period. Okay. It's a fact. Yeah. It's not funny. No, let's leave it there. No, not funny. And this is the first time I've ever read, read of kids dying on history. Dave, Dave, not okay to talk about. Okay. It happened. Sure. Yeah. But we're not here to make light of it. No. This is straight up information. This is, we are going back to the original version of the dollop where it's just you in a garage shouting to yourself. It's time to cut me out according to some person. Robert spent a lot of time at the McKee house and was friends with the McKee

children and their white friends. Sure. And like many local slaves in the area, Robert had a love for water because it's right there on the water, right? Yeah. Oh, God, I thought you meant like drinking. Yeah, we're all I'm consumed by staying hydrated. No, I'm like water like, right, he liked water fun and like the swimming in it. Sure. And I get it. I was a kid one. He enjoyed boats and ships when he was a kid, he would run down the docks with the other children when they heard passing steamships whistling. Okay, that's a good time. That is a great time. And if you've ever been a child, but that's, that's really something that's where you want to be. Yeah, steamship. Now what? Yeah, that's it. That's the day. I'm exhausted. Okay, let's go back to me

owning you. Oh, boy, I think I know why I look forward to the steamships. Because of their house slave lives, his mom thought that Robert wasn't getting the real gist of what slave life was like. In a bad way. She's like, you don't have the understanding you need to have. Well, she was like, you should know what this is really like. Sure, because there's a reality out there you might get hit in the face with. So when he was 10, she took him to see a slave auction and a whipping post where slaves were beaten. Just a little field trip. It's a good field trip if you're a kid. It's just I mean, you know, even the it's it's dark. Yeah, it's also believed she took him to the fields to work as a field hand, picking cotton rice and tobacco and sleeping

under steamship. Let's go. What? Why? But there's a steamship to whistle back to the steamship. Let's go with the steamship guys. So his oddly his view of slave life changed pretty abruptly from that experience. Yeah, it's weird. Weird. Yeah. How are his white friends that point to him he was like, future enemies. So suddenly he's not really into being a slave. Sure. And he's yeah, not down. So when he was 12, Robert's mother convinced McKee to send him to Charleston to learn a trade because she didn't want him to become some beaten and overused field slave. Like if you could get a job, have a thing to do, then you wouldn't have to live that life. Well, I mean, or except for the ownership part. Right. At this point, Robert started to speak out against slavery

and challenging local laws, which kept getting him arrested. Right. It's illegal to question ownership. Yeah. Yeah. Your question ownership. Get in this place when we own you temporarily. That's not I guess it doesn't really make that. No. So Henry McKee would bail him out of jail every time. Right. Old dad. Okay. Kind of dad. His mom started to feel for fear for his safety because he's getting a little yeah. Right. You know, yeah, yapping. Yeah. She should never take him out into the real world. That's right. So in 1851, McKee sent Robert to Charleston. He lived in one of the McKee's homes there and worked as a bus boy at a hotel. Okay. He made $5 a week, which was all sent to McKee. Sure. Sure. That's good. That's good stuff. Nice. Good daddy. Yeah,

you see how that works is a really good profit situation for the owner. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Well, to be fair, though, has the owner gotten enough? I don't know. You know what I mean? I don't know. So it's time to worry about his bottom one. That's true. Okay. That's our hero, obviously. Yeah. That's he's definitely our hero in this. So he took a second job as a street lamp lighter. Mm hmm. Different different times. That job got hurt real bad. No, that got that job electric economy. By electricity. Just washed. Yeah, as did there was also like Trump and be like, we're bringing back lamp lighters. We're all going to be lighting lamps again. Take my hand. The new economy. There's also the guy that would go around and knock on windows with a big stick

to wake people up. Yeah, that guy got fucked by alarm clocks. And just light. Yeah. And then any other way. No, no snooze with that guy. Could you come back in seven minutes? You won't be sleeping anymore. But I would just really I just want to lay with my eyes. I want to lay with my eyes closed, awake and ruin my morning a little slowly. Okay. Can you come back in three? I just came back after seven. Just give me three. What is your plan? I'd like to cut it in half. I have other windows to wrap. I know. I know. But I'm just I just a couple more minutes in my eyes. I don't know what I just looked at. But I shouldn't have it. Yeah, you got a wrist. Do I have it? I might have it. You might. No, not a wristwatch. Maybe a pocket watch. Oh,

that's what it is. I don't know if they were smarter for putting on their wrist yet. No, no. No. Fucking idiots. So he negotiated with McKee to keep some the extra money from the lamp lighting job. What a great negotiation. Yeah, you mean keep the money that you've earned? Yeah. I'm listening. He hired himself out for various jobs at the docks and on chips. And he finally eventually became a sailor and then worked his way up to Wheelman. Whoa. If he had been white, he would have been called a pilot. But since he was black, he was called a Wheelman. Can't let can't let can't let people use the same terms to your job description. It is funny. It is amazing that like white people were like, we're a little sensitive about our terms. So yeah, let's not.

We don't love it when people use our terms against our will. I am a pilot. So you're not a pilot? Hmm. Anyway, we'll say whatever we want. Drive. Wheelman. As a Wheelman, Robert became an expert at navigating the local waterways. Sure. Around Charleston there. He was respected and moved into leadership roles. His background made him feel at ease talking to people from all different walks of life. Okay. Everything is probably a little bit rare at this time. Yeah. Yeah. In 1856 at 17 years old, Robert fell for a 31 year old hotel maid named Hannah Jones. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we all know what's going on there. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta fluff the pillows.

Change the sheets. Bring the more towels. What is that? You know what I mean? No. No. Maybe clean the cups in the bathroom. No. Yeah. I don't know. These are things he's saying. Like he needs you to come in here and make sure the pen works. Check the second drawer for the Bible, baby. Well, you're over there. Keep reading. Okay. Hannah had two daughters, 12 and 14. So he's three years older. Call me dad. He might want to date the 14 year old, but because this just seems more natural. At this point. But he's the 31 year old. Yeah. Almost twice. That's fine. That's a normal situation for everybody. Yeah. It's all good. I feel like a sitcom's coming. Uh-oh. But because they were slaves, they couldn't

legally enter into a contract, which meant they had to ask their owners to let them marry. Which is cool. That's a cool thing because like, you know, if you, the proper thing you're supposed to do is, if you marry a woman you're supposed to ask her parents, like, you know, like your daughters. Yeah. But instead you ask the man. And this time you got to go, uh, hey man, you own me, so can I marry this person I love? Oh, well, you want to get married, do you? I love your. Well. Older. Hot. Hot. Slave. Excuse me. Nothing. Sorry. I got distracted. What? Uh-huh. What are you asking? Hand is hand. Oh yeah. And a lot more. You know what I mean? What do you mean a lot more? I mean.

Listen to me, Wheelman. Yeah. You may take her hand, but you take nothing else. I'm gonna take a hold of that. I will shut this down. Take a hold of that shit. Take a hold of that shit. I like your style, Wheelman. I like your style. Go get her. Have fun. Thank you. But if you have a lot of kids and one dies, we won't make light of it. Okay. Because that, it's not okay. Right. So the owners let them marry. Slave couples work. So great of the owners. Really? I mean, great of the owners. The cool thing is having progressive slave owners. It's just nice. Yeah. They weren't usually allowed to live together when slave. Sure. Sure. If they're, I assume if they're owned by the same guy, they could, because they would be on the same property, but if they're

owned by different owners, then it's complicated. It's complicated. And that's gonna be the name of the sitcom. It's complicated. It's complicated. When we got one guy with 17, it'll be Randy Newman. It's a complicated theme song. It's a complicated. It's complicated. He's owned by one guy. But then he asked for a hand in marriage and he said, okay, he's a complicated. So their owners, Hannah's owner was named Samuel Kingman and his owner, McKee, they allowed them to get married and live together as man and wife. Okay, separate from their owners because they both have jobs. So they're like, just keep the money coming in and you guys can do whatever you want. Right. Okay. So,

but that was a thing where you would sort of, like if a slave was working, then you would get their income and that was just like a better situation than having to go sort of work the property in a way. I guess so. I mean, it all sounds pretty fucked. Well, it's totally fucked, but I would say that out of those situations, yeah, I mean, again, it's two piles of shit. But that's him. Oh, wow. Boy, really. Neckwear was at an all time crazy. I think the one thing racist could unite on was that the things you're putting around our collars were bizarre and not helpful. It's almost clowny. And then she is here. Okay. Obviously, pictures not as good of her because yeah, it looks like they put a filter on it. But you know, he got he's super into that.

Sure. Yeah. So, so, so he now he two years later, they have a daughter named Elizabeth Smalls. And now he's worried the owner could sell away his wife and kid, right? That's a that's a weird thing we don't have as much today when you get married. But back then, if you're a slave and you got married, your wife's owner could sell because whatever came out of her he owns. Oh, my God. So he could sell your kid and your wife away. What's just because he's like, I need some extra cash or whatever. He's like, I'm gonna get some blow instead. Like he told you for like whatever, you know. So Robert talked to Hannah's owner, Kingman, and he agreed to sell his Robert, his own wife and daughter to him for $800. He the owner of Hannah agreed to sell Robert Hannah

and the daughter for $800. Yeah. So he could buy his own daughter and his wife. What a pretty great again. Another sweetheart deal. Yeah. Thanks. He starts saving. And Robert's deal with McKee. He was able to keep about $15 a month after all is said and done. Okay. So he's three years away. Yeah. It's not great. In 1860, Lincoln was elected, Abraham Lincoln. The Abraham Lincoln? Yeah. The guy with the weird head? Yeah. Weird beard? That's the guy. The guy who had no idea what he was doing with his head? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. The good people of South Carolina were furious because they he didn't want them to own people. And they were super into that, like that was part of their jam. Yeah. And on December 20, 1860, South Carolina became the

first state to secede from the union. Okay. So we'll see them later. Yeah. Off they go. We'll secede them later. Don't ever just stop talking. I would never do it again. In retrospect, I should not have. The better thing is for you to just stop talking. Absolutely. I disagree. So are you on here, South Carolina's secession declaration? Sure. A geographical line has been drawn across the union and all the states north of that line have united in the election of a man to the high office of president whose opinions and purposes are hostile to slavery. So that kind of puts a dent in the whole state rights argument. So it turns out pretty much about slavery. So actually it is about states rights because the South didn't want the North

to have free black people. So that states right part. Yeah. But I think your point is fair. Yeah. Yeah. So Robert was hired to pilot the steamer planter. You mean Wheelman. Wheelman. Let's not go throwing around terms he hasn't earned yet. He's not a white Dave. He's not a pilot. That was bad of me. Actually, that'll be a great. It's complicated plot. That'll be great. Well, today Robert's going to become a pilot. That's the planter right there. Okay. Was he whistling the whole time he was wheeling? Yeah, he always whistled. So he quickly becomes respected and trusted on board. There's a few slaves on the planter on April 12th, 1861, the Civil War kicked off. Congratulations everybody. Right in South Carolina, right in Charleston, more Confederate

forces fired on Fort Sumter, which was occupied by Union soldiers. So they kick it off and they go, there's a fort. It's right here in our in our stuff. The fort is bombarded. Charleston's rich white residents came out to watch quote a splendid pyrotechnic exhibition. So they all got up on the roofs and they watched the bombing of this is pretty fireworks. Yeah, pre fireworks, but they watched the attack of look at that out there. That's fun to watch unit. She pretty. No, that's not. The Confederates, they charge them, they chartered the planter like they charted the near sport summer. They charted they charted it and they started using it to haul supplies. Okay, including ammunition guns. Who was doing that the Confederates? Okay, so in and out of Charleston

Harbor, right. So, so you get it. So Robert is is essentially and his other slaves on the ship are essentially working to keep themselves slaves. Hard to keep the energy up for that job. Yeah, I mean, we talk about we talk about trying to keep the ship morale up. Yeah, that's a hard one to come on, boys. Otherwise, these slaves get free present company excluded. Now I want to offend you, Robert, you know, I've always found you to be a terrific wheelman. Can't have you out there piloting, making your own money. Imagine what a world that Lincoln, he's bearded to stove top top weird. I think he drank a beer after that. That's right. So when there was a three pack, I'm good. One day while the captain was not on the boat,

a slave Kerman put the captain straw hat on Robert's head and said, boy, you look just like the captain. That comment stuck with Robert. A union Navy blockade was put in place to stop Confederate states from trading. So they put ships out there, blocked off the ports. Sure. Major Southern ports were blocked, including Charleston. It's really hurt the economy of the South and they couldn't make profits. And they started starving. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. Succession's not easy. No, no, it's not. The Confederacy tried to use torpedoes on the blockade, but that didn't work. Oh, my God. Yeah, they had torpedoes. What? Yeah. So they don't have watches for their wrist, but they have torpedoes. No fireworks.

But I guarantee you, some guys got it right. And they go, they had watches, man. Yeah. You know, I thought your podcast, I thought that you were really on top of history. I don't think it's fun to make fun of the watch technology back then. They were doing pretty good. My dad died making a watch. Hey, my name's Teddy Pocket Watch, a little offended by your last podcast. Just straight, straight up offended, like directly at me, like you're talking to me. The Confederacy, so they're fucked. The blockade's successful. They're not doing all. And in November, 1861, Union troops took Port Royal, which is about 60 miles, I think it's south of Charleston. I believe it is south. Yeah. So all the southern whites

fled. They just fucking bailed. Cool. But the slaves didn't. They're like, oh, this is really good. Yay. So by March, Robert's mother is now. How great does it have to feel when whites are fleeing? You're just like, oh, my God, what? Yes. More of whatever's happening. Normally, like what's a bambi? Like when you ever see things fleeing, you're supposed to be scared. But when whites are fleeing, I think it's OK. When whites are fleeing, you're like, stick around. I think some good change is happening. If animals run to the higher level, run with them. If whites run, just stick around because something good might be coming. So the slave stayed. By March, Robert's mother was living free in Buford and engaged to a cook.

They must just be, I mean, you know, it is obviously a dark ass awful time. This has to feel pretty good. Yeah, pretty fucking great. So Robert thought living as a free man in Buford sounded pretty pretty good, better, much better than shipping guns to people who wanted to keep him a slave. That was a conflicting occupation for him. Super. By 1862, he had saved 700 of the $800 to buy Hannah and Elizabeth. How many years are we talking here? That's like three, I think. OK. It's a little bit. Sure. But then they had another kid, Robert's most junior. So now. No. But sometimes I call them Beauregard. Nicknames were weird. Beauregard's always been a winner. Yeah. Well, you want to keep it short. So if you're Robert here, it would be better to

hold off on another kid, right? Because then you get the wife and the kid. Right. And then you can have as many kids. But you're super into boning. Yeah. She's a hot 31-year-old lady. You and I get it. We're both like 17-year-old dudes. We always say that. Yeah. I need a nap. I want one, two. Yeah. And I would need it. Yeah. So now he doesn't know what the price is going to be, right? Because inflation. He doesn't go back to the owner, but now he's like worried, well, the price is going to go up because I had a kid. Right. Which is a cool thing to think of. For sure. That's how you want to plan a family. Yeah. That's what they mean when they say family planning. Yeah. How much will it cost you to buy your kids? By April 1862, a barge man in April,

sorry, in April 1862, a barge man by slaves was sailed out to the Union Fleet and turned over. So in Charleston, there's a barge and all these slaves are working on there. Like, why don't we just take this bad boy out to the blockade? So they just sailed the barge. Hold on a minute. It looks like they headed out to that blockade. I'm starting to think we shouldn't have just left all the slaves on the barge. Oh, man, they start to think for themselves like we feared. Oh, boy, it's like they're becoming independent thinkers. Now, don't like it. So, um, so this wasn't a huge event, but definitely a black eye sort of to the south there. It's pretty great. Yeah. Robert Small kept up appearances and attacked the thieves on the barge

as quote the meanest of mortals. He attacked the thieves on the guys who stole the barge. Oh, okay. So he's playing a game. Wow. Okay, sure. A fellow slave crewman jokingly said they should steal the planter. And Robert said that actually wasn't a joke. And he cautiously checked with the other slaves and the crew if they wanted to steal the planter mutiny, except for one guy, one slave he didn't trust. Okay. So how fucked up as a slave do you have to be that other slaves like, Hey, man, you want to get out of here? Yeah. And you're so damaged that you're like, I'm worried about what happened. Yeah. That's the environment you get created when you have total fear. No talking to that guy. The rest of the crew starts meeting at Robert's house to

come up with a plan. Okay. Robert then told Hannah and said they would probably be executed on the spot if they were caught. And Hannah said, quote, it is a risk, dear, but you and I and our little ones must be free. I will go for where you die. I will die. I get it. Yep. Get it. Yep. The planner then went on a two week trip and came back with four large guns from forts that were being dismantled. And Charleston, the crew loaded 200 pounds of ammunition and more guns on. So they're just like they really do not see this coming. There's a shitload of guns on that. Yeah. They're just loading up guns on that ship. It's a shipload. Shipload. Sorry. I spoke. I didn't speak. No need to cuss. My mother will send notes. So it's supposed to leave the next morning and take the guns and

ammunition to, you know, a bunch of guys who were supposed to is interesting. Yeah. The planner was moored at the wharf in front of General Ripley's headquarters. Believe it or not. He was in charge of the planter and had been in charge of the bars that was stolen. Oh boy. So he's having a bad run. Yeah. Well, he had it. There he is. Oh, there we go. The ripper. Look at that. There's no mouth there. It's just all hair. I'm aiming for that turret. So 20 guards were posted at the wharf that evening. Okay. So I'm just a few paces from the boat. The ship was, are you looking at your beard right now? I'm comparing my beard to this gentleman's beard. What in the fuck are you doing? I want to lose my mouth. So horrible. I'm going to lose my mouth is the worst thing that's ever

been said on this podcast. Oh, that's unfair. Yeah. So there's, there's all these guards just some a few paces from the ship. The ship is scheduled to head out in the morning. So three white officers, Charles Ray Lee, Samuel Hancock and Samuel Pitcher were supposed to stay on board overnight, especially because the barge has been stolen. So like, Hey, white guys, let's have some white guys on the boat. Come on, ladies. That's all we need. Just some white guys to hang on the boat. Incapable of that. Yeah, but those guys went, they went to party. We're white. Yeah, come on, then we got to get some beer. You guys are cool, right? Hello. You sleeping, dude? Yeah. Um, well, we just means the other Sam, we're just talking, maybe we'll just go to town,

just grab a few ales, then come back. Yeah. So like, I know we're meant to watch it, but let's just grab like three ales real quick. So just three and then back on the three RQ and then right back. It'll be fine. We've got like some slaves here watching. They're sleeping, dude. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Friends. What could go wrong? So into the, into the city they go, and they left wheelman Robert Smalls in charge. Interesting. With no whites on board. I believe it's meant to be pilot, right? Robert told the crew this was it. Word was sent to Hannah and some others on shore. And on May 13th, 1860, Robert and six slave crewmen boarded the planter, all except for the guy that they didn't trust. Yeah, that guy. What? I didn't even know.

Yeah, that guy's, it's, it's like there's a guy in Alcatraz, escape from Alcatraz, who was supposed to go, couldn't get out. The guy couldn't fit. Yeah, he couldn't fit. Yeah. There's always that guy. Yeah. Well, this guy could fit. Yeah. I mean, he, yeah, this guy, well, he couldn't fit mentally. Sure. They weren't saying. Dave, God, wait a, put a fine point on this. So, so the crew agreed if they were caught, they would blow up the ship rather than go back to slavery. Wow. So they're, this is a. That's an attitude that's hard to fight. Yep. Yep. Right. If the blowing up failed, they quote, would all take hands and jump overboard and perish together. Okay. So they're in. There's plans. Yeah. It seems like slavery sucks.

Yeah, they're making a case for that. Yeah. Absolutely. Robert broke into the cabin and took the captain's straw hat and jacket and grabbed that he guns he could find and at 3.30 a.m. they sailed off. The guards on the wharf didn't do anything because the ship was scheduled to leave. Right. Then in the more. Yeah. Usually they're pretty early. Okay. Pretty early. Okay. The plan are headed to a nearby dock several blocks north. So they just go up the city a few blocks. Sure. Stop. There on another boat is Hannah, their two kids, four other women who are related to the crewmen or whatever. And another kid. Also the slave sailor who brought them on that boat. Okay. A couple of the women were girlfriends of guys on the crew. So once they're

all on the planner, Robert explains the plot to all the women and stuff we just got on the boat. Right. Some of them were really not down with it. Sure. One crewman, quote, they didn't know much about war, but they knew enough to realize that every man of us would be shot or hung if the attempt was a failure. They cried and prayed and then treated and it took an hour to calm those women down. And then we'd lock them in the state rooms and threaten to kill the first one who made a loud noise. Well, I mean, you can't say that they didn't try soft tactics early. So, so the plan was to be honest, then sort of deal with the emotional situation they've created. And when that didn't take hold, they just locked them into like a ship shed and we're

like, we'll kill the first one. Yeah. I mean, look, it went on for an hour. It sounds like an hour. Yeah, they said it's not a lot of time though. A fucking hour. It's not a lot of time when you're telling people like, look, we might all die. No, but good Lord, get over it. I mean, get over it. They don't have any fucking time to fucking it's got to be like, hey, we're going to not be slaves anymore. Are you in? And then you might die. That's it. That's the part. Make your but then you make your call and you're sure you're on board or off board for sure. But yeah, an hour is not long. It's not long. It's not long when the next the next step in your plan is to put them in a lock in a closet. That's true. All right. All right, I'm with you on that one. So the planner heads

out again has to pass five checkpoints. Each one has gun batteries to shoot at it. It has to pass five and what are the checkpoints like? It's a it's a it's an eyeballing. Yeah. So I think you're coming pretty close to shore. Okay. And then there's a you know, you know, signals, whatever flag signals or whatever. Sure. But you can see that you can also see the right the person right so they can see each other. Not too close but close enough, right? Okay, so this is treacherous for sure. Yeah. Okay. So he's dressed as the captain and he starts imitating the captain's body language. So he's got the straw hat on. So the distance is far enough that you could potentially not tell the skin color. It's also nighttime. Okay, right. Right. Right. Great. So he in the silhouette,

he looks he's doing morning whitey. He's like Richard White, Richard White, Rich Little. He's like Rich Little. Rich Little of Charleston. Morning white man. So he must be white. He called me a white man. If you're if you're listening to Rich Little Impressions, they're spectacularly bad. They are all Rich Little. I grew up when making fun of Rich Little was the bit not listening to Rich Little. Yeah. Are they terrible? I thought he was good. Oh no, go back and look. I I remember recently went back and looked and I was like, my God, all Rich Little Impressions are just Rich Little. That's great. What a great living he made. Yeah. So, so he gives the correct signals to all the checkpoints and they make it past all the checkpoints. Now the sun comes up. And at that point,

Robert knew the Confederates would be onto them because there's no ship. Right. So they sped for the blockade, which was a bit problematic because the Confederate ship was speeding at a Union blockade. Oh, right. Gotcha. Right. The look is not great. Not great. The Union ship, the USS Onward, the guy who saw it screams an alarm. They thought it was a rebel ramming ship. Right. The Onward was brought around to fire on the planter. And then the planter lowered the Confederate flag and raised a white bed sheet. Nice. Brooklyn. Brooklyn. Yeah. Brooklyn. Once they got close enough. Holy shit, does that look comfy? They got close enough. Robert yielded out quote. Good morning, sir. I've brought you some of the old United States guns, sir, that were for

Fort Sumterster. Yeah. It's a good intro. Yeah. Now the seven X ship slaves, the guys on the ship cheer and then the women and kids came up from below. Everyone's they were going to kill us one by one. Their plan was to literally kill any one of us who cried. I've been chained downstairs. All right. All right, Nancy. Come on, celebrate. Robert turned the planter over to the captain of the Onward and the American flag was raised on the planter. Okay. In the morning, General Ripley wakes up. Oh, no, there used to be something here that blocked the sun. Something's different. Hello. Hello. Why didn't that boy wrap me awake earlier? That's the Onward, by the way. Oh, that's only pictured. Yeah. Yeah. So, so Ripley wakes up

and he's like, what the fucking, what the shit, shit? I think that's an exact quote. Did he say that? Yeah. So this is beardy. No mouth beardy. Yeah, no mouth beardy. Wakes up and he's like, what's what's happening again? So no one knows anything, right? Everyone's just very confused. Well, that sounds like the south at this time. Yeah. The guard had been posted. The guards that were posted at the wharf said, no, it took off at 330 and the captain was up on the rail. Yeah. What about the three shitheads? So they start looking for everybody. They're looking for the captain and the officers and then they find them and they don't know anything. So what was their, their plan was to just get go shit, just get shit

canned and then not do anything? I think they'd done it a million times. I think they had, you know, just gone off, off the ship, got ship faced and then come back in the morning and the slaves have been watching the boat and everything's good. So finally the Confederates look out and they see the planter right next to the ships in the blockade and they're like, oh, that's the flags different. Well, that's happened. So rumors. I'm a pilot, bitch. Oh, that wheelman asshole, that wheelman. Of course, rumors went around that it was white union spies because it couldn't be the black guys or the skin of a black man and pretend. Our theory is complex, to say the least. It's not great. It has some holes. It has a lot of holes,

but what it does is it preserves the idea that whites are great and cannot be outsmarted by another race. Confederate leaders in Richmond, Virginia were told what had happened. This is very bad news because the planter was exactly the kind of ship the union needed, which was a shallow water transport ship. Hey, I guess you just can't have slaves for so long. Yeah, also tons of guns on board. So a little bit of a park. Robert E. Lee, Bob, Bobster, who is the, if you're from another country, he's a monster who was the leader of the South, the Confederate army. I guess he wasn't the leader. Yeah, kind of not great. That's him. He looks mad. I pick one where he looks mad because this just happened. And again, look at how sloppy that stupid little tie is.

It's not great. Plus comb the side of your hair. Yeah, pick up. I mean, honestly. So how many buttons do you have by the way? All right, let's take it easy. There was a big button time. Big button time. A lot of things to clasp. He wanted whoever was responsible punished. Childhood newspapers called the white officers absence, quote, criminal, disgusting treachery. Absolutely. Other press in the South jumped on board calling it, quote, gross negligence and demanded prompt punishment. One newspaper called it, quote, one of the most shameful events of this or any other war. Absolutely. Aside from enslaving people. Let's get our echelon straight. It's amazing. What a tragedy. We will be embarrassed about this

in the future. This is so embarrassing that you guys went to drink and left the people we own to just be on a ship. Guys, guys, history will not look back fondly on the fact that the whites let the blacks go. Seriously, you guys are gonna look like dicks. Oh my god. Dicks. Any. One paper said the officers thought the war was a, quote, nice frolic. Yeah, not taking it seriously. Sure, sure. The three white ship officers were arrested and jailed. Over on the other side. Do you have any idea what it's like to be put in a place you don't want to be? We're still pro slavery. Over on the other side, Robert was having a great time. He told the story to the local Commodore who told the captain of the onward to submit a claim for the black crew. So any time

a ship was captured by the union, it was auctioned off and half of the money went to the union. And then the other half went to the crew that had captured the ship. Dynamite. In this case, they were saying the onward didn't capture it. You should just give it to the black crew who brought it over. The Commodore then sent a recently captured southern civilian. So they had captured a boat and there was a civilian guy on it. And they sent him back to Charleston with a message. Well, this is awkward. That the Commodore found it, quote, mortifying that the planters should have been perloined from officers who he still considered countrymen. Oh, I can stick in the dick stick in the old dick. Pick a side asshole.

So so that none of this was helping the three white officers who had been arrested. They were court-martialed and charged with disobedience of orders and neglect of duty. Two were convicted. The charges against the other guy were dropped. After a general concluded the office, so they're tried convicted. Everyone's happy. And then a general butts in and says, this isn't right. The officers were not given clear orders to stay on the ship. And the shipowner, who was a rich Scotsman named George Ferguson, didn't seem to care about giving the order, never seemed to give a shit that there should be white men on the ship at all times. So they're blaming the owner now. Okay. So now, right. Ferguson and his wife had high social status in Charleston and they owned a

few ships and the two crew officers were then released. And whites in Charleston were livid. Sure. I mean, let me know when they're not livid. They got a lot of beef. So the two, so they wanted someone punished for letting the slaves. Someone has to get fucked up over there. Slaves just can't go free. Yeah. Another very angry person in all of this was Samuel Kingman, Hannah's owner. Sure. So he was out. He's now at four slaves. Right. Hannah, their two kids, and her daughter, Clara, the owner of all of them.

Okay. So he filed the claim for loss of property with the state of South Carolina. That is just so unbelievable. Imagine actually like getting that form in front of you for a human. Oh, loss of property. There we are. Nate, not a problem. Okay. White people are white people. Good history. Yeah. There's Samuel. He's looking good. Yeah. He's a sharp looking dude. By the way, cleaned up the neck game a little bit. Sorry, Samuel and me, Robert. I call him Samuel, Robert.

Clean up the neck game. So, right. So he said Hannah was worth 800, Clara, a thousand. This is after he'd made the deal. No, no. So he's asked for compensation. Okay. For losing his slaves. Okay. He blames on the government for the fuck up, right?

Sure. Yeah. So Hannah's worth 800, Clara's a thousand, because I guess there's a peak. She's a young lady, so. Cool. And then Elizabeth's 300, because she's a kid. And then Robert, who's an infant, 150 bucks. Wow. What a bargain. Yeah, bargain.

Robert's owner, Henry McKee, he's in a totally different place. He had already lost all of his property when the union captured Port Royal. He lost his homes, his land and his slaves. Okay. When two, and then two of his kids died from scarlet fever. So he's pretty bummed. Sure. He's like depressed and didn't seek any compensation for his slave.

Okay. And also probably his son. Sure. Well, that is one of the side effects of depression. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want money for your kid. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. As far as the war, the planters this huge score in the cabin was a book with all the

quote secrets of the signals of the Confederacy. Oh my God. Sergeant, I found another something in here. Hey, in here, there's a book that has everything. Put it in the maybe pile. So now all the little signal flags that we talked about before, they know every signal. He's just saying, fuck you. He keeps saying, fuck you over and over.

Also, the union learned the Confederates had abandoned an island that was in a very important location in Charleston Harbor. And so they just took the island. Lady Island. No, but that's, yeah. So there's another Confederate island that they just, there were a few Confederates of islands. Yeah, there's a little racist archipelago going on over there. There's islands out in South Carolina, North Carolina.

Sure. It's not, it's not just cliffs, bro. There's islands out there. Also, you should talk to the license plate. I think you would know that with all the fucking documentaries you watch about nature. Watched four hours of David Attenborough on the plane today. So you don't talk to me about what I know about nature. Asshole.

Okay, okay. Do you have any idea? Don't even get me started on the tendons of kangaroos. I shouldn't have said anything. So in the north goes apeshit, a slave stealing an important ship from the Confederates right at the spot where the war had started was delightful. When you read it back, it does sound a little bit like a mess up. Like it could be a great grabbing headline.

So Robert Smalls' escape is huge news. So Robert Smalls runs out of holes to fuck the Confederates in. All right, well, this is much. So for the planter, they get the money. He gets 1500, which is now about $37,000. Could he buy the owner? How great would that be an attempt to just come back? What the fuck, man?

Yeah, I'm giving him $9,000. Is that enough for you? I just want you to walk around my cocktail party without any bottoms on and serve my friends. Yes, Mr. Smalls. The other crewman got $450 each. Two girlfriends got $100 each. And the wives didn't get any money because the married women, quote, would derive benefit through their various relationships to the men.

Plus all that crying. Mm-hmm. While the girlfriends, quote, have no such connection and are destitute and unprovided for. So if you're a girlfriend, you get a little bit of a scratch. The amount, however, was actually insanely low and was probably appraised low because they were ex-slaves. So they actually did get kind of fucked. It should have been like twice that.

Sure, not surprising. There's still white people. Well, now we're facing slavery and racism. Now we're hating racism head on. Yeah, finally. Would have been funny if I just not fucked that up. Robert went to work helping to remove underwater mines in Charleston Harbor. Okay.

Underwater mines? What? Yeah. So they had underwater mines. So it's an explosive device attached to an anchor that's just drifting in the. At the bottom or they're just floating? Well, the anchor's at the bottom. It's weighted.

So then the mine goes up to the top where a ship will hit it where you can't see it. But it's, you know. Right. That's fun. Yeah. Boy, the technology is really hard to pin down for me. Yeah. Yeah.

So they're all over Charleston Harbor. But Robert had been one of the guys who put them down. So he knew where they all were and you just went and took them all out. Yummy. Oh, no. And we left our magic book on that ship. And we left our book of spells. So he's making about 40 bucks a month now, which is pretty fucking good.

He's just doing a good little turnaround. I think the average guy made like 13. So he's rolling in an average black soldier. Right. So Robert also became a voice in the abolition movement. When he was invited to speak in New York, but Admiral DuPont. So, you know, he's, he's, he's working for the, for the, the Union Navy. So he had the admirals in charge of, you know, and so this admiral was like,

I don't want you going to. Yeah. This guy. Yeah. He likes to touch his pockets. The inside ones. Thanks to Robert's tummy. I know people don't like when we talk about the pictures,

but you got to see this guy could not look like he's masturbating a belly button more. Yeah. Oh, that feels nice. Um, so, uh, he's got his hand and size jacket. Well, that's a nice feeling inside there. Oh, it's warm in here. Oh, that's nice. No one tells me what to do.

I'm in charge. So he would be worried. Robert would be taken advantage of if he went to New York, because the year before PT Barnum had hired an escaped slave, William Tillman. Tillman had killed three, uh, captors with an axe and escaped. So he was free. Freehold! A murderer!

PT Barnum's scraping the bottom of the barrel now. What else do we have? Here's a man who killed people with an axe. All right. Coming before we bring out the chicken who walks backwards. A murderer. So he was a free, he was a free guy who got captured by some Southerners, and they were going to make him a slave and he killed them with an axe.

I like that. Good story. I don't think we're, we're not anti-history. I would like that to be a show. Um, so, uh, so, yeah. So PT Barnum and like put him on display with the axe at his museum. So Admiral DuPont didn't want this kind of thing to happen to Robert. Right.

So he didn't say, made him keep working on the ships. Hannah and the kids went back to live in Buford. Wouldn't it be just as easy to just say, do not talk to PT Barnum? Yeah. Okay, continue. I think that goes for everybody. Yes. Plantations, um, so Hannah goes and the kids go back to live in Buford.

Uh, the plantations that have been abandoned or captured were being used to give newly freed blacks places to live and work. So they're trying to turn the plantation into something and keep this, you know, people alive by giving them jobs and stuff. Right. Robert was a, uh, a big name now. And in August 1862, he made a trip to DC and helped persuade Lincoln to allow black men to enlist and fight for the union.

Nice. Um, to 5,000 black men were allowed to join the union forces. During the war, Robert was a pilot on several union ships, always as a civilian, right? Pilots. Never joined a pilot pilot. Pillow. Yeah.

Uh, he saw action at 17 major battles. Wow. Yeah. During one, uh, the Confederates began firing on a ship and the captain of the ship ran and hid in the coal bunker. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Where's the coal hole?

Where's the coal hole? Where's the coal hole? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. So now with this going on, Robert's like, well, I kind of don't want to get caught again because I'll be really. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Um, and then there's a lot of other black guys on board. so he takes over and guides the boat to safety. Okay. So the chief quarter master then made Robert captain of the planter. Okay. Quote. Wow. Quote, he's an excellent pilot of undoubted slavery

and in every respect worthy of that position, the present captain is a coward, though a white man, dismiss him therefore and give the steamer to this brave black Saxon. Okay, so it's kind of a compliment. It's a lot of bummer. I mean, it's like he read the game. Like it's the right amount of negging

and the right amount of complimenting. Like he's just like, I'm into you. It's really good. Meanwhile, that dude's probably still locked in the coal. Like, I hear you. Are we done yet? So now captain, Robert's making a 150 bucks a month. Oh, yes.

And the average black soldier makes 13. So he's fucking killing it. In May, 1863, Robert Jr. died of smallpox at age, smallpox at age 16 months old. So that's why you only charge 150 bucks for an infant. Well, that's your bottom line? Yeah. You're going to get a hate email.

Because now you've just fed a baby and then it dies. Smallpox. Smallpox. Smallpox is a... Smallpox, is it airborne? Yeah. No, no, if smallpox ever gets out again, it's just, it's the terrifying thing.

It looks awful. It's horrendous. Yeah. It looks like you'd be like, yeah, goodbye now. And just jump off a building as soon as you for sure have it. Well, thank god we haven't destroyed it. It's the only guy we still have it. No, no, we keep it.

Yeah, keep it. We got some sealed up. We got some sealed up files of it, just in case. Robert and Hannah had... And don't worry, robots are in charge of it. OK, good. Robert and Hannah had a third child, Sarah, seven months later. Sarah was the first smalls that was born a free person.

OK, nice. I was just going to say the child died of smallpox, but it's too soon. Not OK. No. Not OK. So the planter was sent to Philadelphia for an overhaul, and Robert took that time that was being repaired to learn to read and write in 1864.

So one day he's in Philadelphia. He's there for a while, obviously, and he gets on a street car, and it's a rainy day, and the conductor ordered him to move to the outer platform, which was required of blacks back then in Philadelphia. It was law. Absorb the rain. He had to stand outside in the rain. Stand outside in the rain.

So Robert just got off the car, he's like, well, that kind of defeats the purpose. Yeah. I don't know if you know what rain is, but if I'm outside, then yeah, it doesn't work. The purpose was genuinely, was that to make room for white people, or that was just genuinely like your black get wet? It was just your black get outside the street, and hang on the outside of it. Yeah. But, so he walks home in the rain, word gets out, it becomes this huge publicized story

that a union hero... Who's this PR person? He's got good PR. I know, right? He's got really good PR person. Yeah. A union hero has been humiliated, so sentiment starts to grow to eliminate race laws in Philadelphia, which is already a Quaker place, so it's not like that wasn't something that was being

pushed there. Right. It's a big abolition place, abolitionist place. So when Charleston fell in the war, Robert was there, in the planter helping the Union Army. It's got to be a great fucking moment. Yeah. Just the best.

A few days after the city fell, Robert brought General Saxton, so he brings this general who helped take it over, he brings him to the city, and there's a group of blacks and they're cheering them on. Oh my God, fuck you, Aaron. You just press it. Just press it. Ha ha ha. Oh, another guy, I like to fiddle with my button.

The thing, the sort of pose of the moment is to rub your tummy inside of your jacket. We've got so many buttons. God, it feels nice in here, my hand. I mean, honestly, that was like the planking of the 1800s. It's like, yeah, you had a good run, hand in your coat. Hand in your coat, guys. That's the point. I might have a pistol.

So Robert brings General Saxton into the city, a giant group of black, now free people are fucking cheering, and then on the outskirts are white people not cheering. The Grumblers. Yeah, the Grumblers. They're what's known as the Grumblers. They're just sitting there watching, and then Robert sees Ferguson, the old owner of the planter. Okay, wow.

So he pushes through the crowd bringing General Saxton with him, and then he introduces him to Ferguson. Oh, my God. Which was Robert's way of letting Ferguson know that they're now equals. Oh, my God. Yeah. Which for Ferguson, he's like, it's a pleasure to meet you, Saxton. Hello again, Robert.

I mean, that's good, right? Here's 20 bucks. Get yourself something nice. Did you just give me 20 bucks? So we'll get it back, we'll get it back, we'll get it back, I'm not drunk. So Robert finds out that McKee's house, right, the one that he grew up in, in Buford, was about to be auctioned. Oh, get out of here.

Because what happened a lot back then was- Shut up. The white's would bail. Shut up. Is this dude about to try to buy the house that he was a slave in? So the whites would bail, right? Yeah. Because the war, southern whites would bail because that's unions coming.

Yeah. And then- A moral wave, as we call it. Then they wouldn't pay their property taxes. Sure. Yeah. So then their house, it wasn't, they weren't just taking the house, they weren't taking them because they wouldn't pay their taxes, and now they're like, well, now you've lost

the house because you didn't. So that's what's happening. So Robert's like, I'm interested. So he- He needs an HGTV show. He bought the house that he grew up in as a slave for $665. Get out of here. And now lived where he and his mother have been slaves.

Oh my God. That's a fucking kick-ass house. Dude, that's dynamite. Kick-ass house. Robert and Hannah hosted friends and family in the large house. They were still close with a lot of the slaves they'd scape with on the planter. And in April 1865, the Confederacy surrendered. Boy, that is a crazy turnaround, though.

That has to be one of those- Living in the house- Mind bending. And owning it? But also, it's not even like I bought my childhood home that my mother sold because I made- It's like, you probably couldn't fathom the reality of a time when you would be free. Let alone-

Own the fucker. You're buying the house that took your life away. No, this is the biggest dream come true moment that has ever happened on this podcast ever. Okay. Except for the guy who called his own lightning shot. Otis. Otis. I just want to be killed by lightning.

I'll never get over that. So Confederacy surrenders, the South is in ruins just fucking really fucked up. Well, thank God for the comeback. So that's Charleston. Wow. So yeah, it's fucked. It's fucked. So Robert helped Henry McKee's family, inviting Henry's widow and some of her children to

live at his home, her former home, but now they'll flip, flipped a little bit because she's- Can I make a pitch that he makes them wait on them and maybe live in a separate house? Have you heard of the show, It's Complicated 2? Well, there's a crazy new chapter that's complicated too. Robert now bought the house that he would use to do it now, the lady who would live in it and live with him as well, Robert turned his heaven into living hell, he's a complicated too, it's also complex.

Oh fuck. So now it's not all that great because then McKee's still refused to eat with Robert, which Robert totally accepted and just arranged for their meals to happen at a different table. Not okay on any level of any part of this. I know, right? You eat with him. You fucking eat with him. You serve him.

Yeah, you- that's right. You cook with him. You bring the fucking food to the table. Was that good, Robert? Was that good? Right? Please. Like the craziness, but the craziness of this time that he's like, all right, just-

Yeah, he's like, we'll have several eating times. I mean, there is a huge part of this that- so blacks are now free and they've been slaves forever and whites are angry, so there is definitely like, let's just keep this cool kind of thing and like, let's not have shit kick off again, right? Yeah. So a few years later, Robert helped Henry McKee's widow daughter when she needed money and he also helped her teenage son get into the U.S. Naval Academy, so he's just a fucking good dude.

In the spring of 1866, Robert was transporting some union officers when he noticed a ship approaching from behind and was coming very, very fast. It was the Fanny, owned by John Ferguson, and remember, John Ferguson is Scottish and he is named to ship the Fanny. That's neat. Let's just put that out there. Let's just put that shit out there right now. Fanny first!

Let's go! Yeah, real weirdo. Right, so he's the guy who's on the planner. Now this ship, the Fanny, is piloted by a guy named McNulty, not from the wire. God, I was gonna say, he's drunk. So the Fanny's coming up quickly and then it pulls right alongside the planner, which is a super aggressive move. Yeah, it's not a stoplight.

And McNulty then ordered the Fanny to turn port, which would put it right in the path of the planner. So Robert realized what McNulty was doing, which was trying to force the planner to crash into some obstructions that were in the river that he knew about. He's watching this from... He's on the planner. He's on the planner. Okay, sorry.

And the dude is fucking rolling up beside him and now trying to push him into some fucking shit that's in the river that he knows is there. So he's like, well, let's not do that. And Robert speeds up and then just plows into the Fanny and pushes the ship up the Savannah River for a half a mile. He's like, how about that shit? Hold on a minute! You're supposed to go into the debris!

You bastard! That's twice he's done that. That's two times. So McNulty's furious, number one, because he got pushed up the river like a shit bitch. And then he also had a black man not back down. Yeah. Right? Right.

And Ferguson has to just be like, you bastard! So McNulty pulls out a revolver and points it at Robert and Robert grabs his double barrel shotgun and points it at McNulty and says, quote, now shoot and mind you don't miss because I won't. So he's also got a little dirty hairy action. Union officers ordered McNulty to stand down and after a while he did and then McNulty was arrested. I'll tell you who looks really good in this is McNulty comes out like a real winner in

this one, a loser. So the planter was sold after a little while for they auctioned off now because the war is over. They don't really need it anymore. It's valued at $15,000. Ferguson puts in an offer, a bid of $25,000. Buddy, let it go. But he is representative to do it because he thought that if the union found out about

his Confederate background and he used to own the ship, they wouldn't let him buy it. So he has another guy put up the bid but the government found out and they didn't let him buy the ship. So, I mean, this guy continues to win. So then the planter was sold for $7,700 to a man at a Baltimore auction and that guy turned out to have been a wealthy ship owner from Charleston before the war. And had no idea and then he just gave the planter to John Ferguson. Okay, great.

So that fucking dick won. Yeah. Did he win? No. I don't think he won. No. I mean, he won that. What he's able to do now is pretend he won with a story.

But I'll tell you, you got the last bloody laugh. Me? I've got the planter, haven't I? So now you think he's on top? No, that bloody smalls. Fergie, baby. Fergie. Who's on top?

Fergie. I'd like everyone to say Fergie. Say it next time. I'll do it once now. Hmm? Anyone? Please. Bloody hell.

Well, that's a good coke. So Robert also became a very successful businessman. He's also got a great mind for business. He bought property around Buford. He co-founded the Enterprise Railroad Company of Charleston. He co-owned a store. He started a school for black children and became an advocate for free public education. He continued to improve his own reading and writing skills, and he started a newspaper.

So he's killing it. He's fucking killing it. Yeah. Yeah. Robert helped form the first Republican organization in South Carolina and began to be called the King of Buford County. Okay. He started a Republican organization.

Obviously, these are different times. Yeah, this is when the Republicans were the Democrats. He was respected and... A fun switcheroo. Yeah, an old switcheroo. He was respected and loved by the black community in the area. He was elected to the South Carolina House of Representatives, then to the State Senate in 1870.

Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. And Buford, African-Americans outnumbered white seven to one. Yes. Yes. He was then elected to Congress as one of the first African-American members and served in the U.S. House for five terms starting in 1875, but not maybe in a row.

Still. That's better. All the success did not mean he wasn't in danger. South Carolina had their own version of the Ku Klux Klan, which they were called the red shirts. There they are. A bunch of fucking shitheads. Oh, yeah.

No, that looks like a high IQ group. Which one are you even facing for the camera picturing in? We put red shirts on. I wish we could afford enough buttons to unbutton a couple, put our hands inside our phone, I put a red shirt on. Hey. Hey. Yeah, we heard you.

We already have them on. Look at the camera. I put a red shirt on. This is the guy on the guy says he put a red shirt on. Hey, we're the red shirts. Shut up, asshole. You might be too dumb for us. Hi.

Yeah, maybe not. Now you're saying hi. We're the red shirts. Yeah. All right. You're back. Don't say we're the red shirts, because we already established that, so do not say we are the red shirts.

We are not going to say that again. We have red on top. Not our heads. Torso. Okay. No. No. Body area.

But you are seeming a little more shrewd than I had anticipated. It's pretty well, but that's wiggled. So while he was touring the state with the Republican governor in 1876 on a campaign, Robert was at a rally in Edgefield, South Carolina, and a red shirt leader and former Confederate general overran the rally and threatened Robert's life. And the Republicans escaped unharmed, but it was noted how easily the red shirts had moved through the town. Quote, even in Mexico, General Butler's command could only be regarded as a revolutionary

army, but in South Carolina, they are called reformers. Right. It still goes on today. No. Robert was running in 1876 against George Tillman, who was what I would describe as one hell of a racist. That's great. Like one of the best, like a top notch racist.

Sure. Like you. Yeah. Thank you. I've always wanted to be in company like that. Do we have a picture of him? Oh, there he is. We only have a drawing.

I'm sorry. So. It's like further, click like in the middle. This is fucking bullshit. Oh boy. This guy. That's quite a drawing. Yeah.

We're going to draw a guy. Maybe give a little less forehead. But I think they were like, let's make him a dick. Okay. So Robert described him as quote, the arch enemy of my race. So that's a hell of a campaign. Tillman did everything he could to stop Republicans from voting, including a red shirt attacks, but Robert still won the election.

Robert called election day in South Carolina, quote, a carnival of bloodshed and violence. Wow. That's coming. Both sides. Both sides. Well, they called them names before they shot him. Many sides. The racist Democrats were not done.

The Democratic state government charged Robert with taking a $5,000 bribe. He was convicted and sentenced to three years. Republicans were furious saying he was imprisoned for being a successful black man. And Robert was released when he appealed to the state Supreme Court. Okay. And then the election of 1878 wasn't great for black politicians in South Carolina. There were deadly threats from the white supremacist controlled government. One observer wrote, quote, men are shot at, hounded down, trapped and held, oh God, that's

a auto-correction, whatever, and held certain, certain meetings are over and intimidated in every possible way. Tillman was his opponent again, and this time he managed to use Robert's unresolved conviction to win. Right. The number of blacks who were brave enough to face the violence and threats to vote were just not enough and Tillman won in a landslide. So he went from winning like 60% when he ran legitimately against him to, I think it, 30%.

What a job. Because of the whole will kill you thing. Yeah. Well, and your fake conviction. Yeah. Yeah. The man who had previously owned Robert's home sued him. So after McKee was lost, another guy bought it.

I think he bought it for McKee right before the invasion. And then that guy lost it by not paying taxes on it. So that guy is now back in the picture. Cool. He's like, hey man, where's my house? What? Where's my property on it? He said the sale was invalid.

Like if you can't sell my property because you invaded because I fled it. But no, you can't because you can still, you still got to pay taxes. This was a common scenario in the South at this point. The case for Robert's house went all the way to the US Supreme Court in 1878 and it upheld Robert's title. Robert Small's case established a precedent across the South for other black property owners. Good.

They're killing it on all sides. Yeah. His bribery case was appealed all the way to the US Supreme Court. Does he have a room there now? Are there every two months? But before it was heard, he was pardoned by South Carolina's Democratic governor because he had made a deal. The deal was if he pardoned Robert, the federal government would drop election fraud charges

against a group of white residents of South Carolina. But now Robert was upset because he was not allowed to clear his name, which clearly. Also the reason he made a deal when it went to the US Supreme Court is because he was going to fucking lose. Somehow Robert remained optimistic, believing the election and cheating was so quote bare-faced and open that it cannot be denied. So he thinks there's so much cheating and so much fucking dickery going on that people are going to be like, well, that can't happen.

He doesn't know what country he's living in. Yeah. It turns out that never works. No. We'll yawn and move on. But he lost the election, the next election to Tillman again. And as the Republican Party fell apart due to corruption, he contested the election on the grounds Tillman and the Red Shirts had used violence to intimidate voters.

The US Congress agreed. Agreed with Smalls. Yeah. Okay. And he was seated. Fuck yeah. The Democrats like they didn't take part in the vote thinking that if they weren't there, there wouldn't be a quorum and they wouldn't be able to do it.

But they did. They had enough votes. Hey. So the. They've always been idiots. Now the South Carolina state Democrats responded by gerrymandering the state so no blacks could win a seat anywhere. Still Robert was Robert and as luck would have it, a candidate died just before the 1884

election and he was elected again. Can't beat me. So in the next election, he faced a new opponent. He was now up against African-American Henry Thompson, who is trying to capitalize on the growing rifts between the light and dark skinned African-Americans. And what is he? He was dark skin and remember Robert's light skin. Yeah.

So he is now saying Robert is not an authentic black man or something. Exactly. I mean, isn't it great how it has to come down to this? But yeah. So he's saying Robert is that it's that guy. I'm trying to find an older picture of him, but I met him. Oh, there we go. Oh, yeah.

That's him. That's Robert Smalls. Okay. So I think we can agree. Pocket watches. We're still in. It's not a very good picture. That guy.

That's some point. He just got tired and blinked. You want to have to wait like a minute, nine hours. So the infighting between the light skinned and the dark, it lost them. It lost them the election. The infighting caused the Democrats to win and Robert Smalls lost. Hannah died suddenly in 1883. Robert married again, seven years later in 1890.

He married a lady and then they had a son. She is, yeah. Then she died like three, five years after they got married. Robert made sure all of his kids were educated, even though he served during the war as a civilian in 1897, he was granted a military pension of $3 a month. He was appointed as the US Customs Collector for the Port of Buford by President Benjamin Harrison in 1889 and he kept the job until 1892 when he was kicked to the curb during the Cleveland administration.

He was then reappointed by the Republican William McKinley in 1898. He served until 1912 when his reappointment by President Taft was blocked by two white senators. One was named Benjamin Tillman, who was the brother of George Tillman, who is the most evil looking racist that has ever been. Does he have a third nostril and missing an eye? Yes. So he just got an extra nose hole and no eye hole?

Wow, that is definitely evil. What happened was he actually had two, they're called technically medically, they're called nose hole plugs, and he sucked one up and it popped out his eye. Oh, okay. So that's what happened to him. Actually, this looks like what happens when you just suck on a milkshake too hard. You get a third nostril and your eye goes. So Robert died of complications from diabetes, it is, what is it, diabetes, what does he

call it on the guy from cocoon? The guy from cocoon? Wilfred Brimley. Oh, diabetes, diabetes? No. What does he call it, Aaron? Diabetes. Diabetes.

Diabetes. Robert died from diabetes in his home in Buford on February 23, 1915. The monument where he is buried is engraved with this quote from a speech he made to the South Carolina legislator in 1895, quote, my race needs no special defense for the past history of them in this country proves them to be the equal of any people anywhere. All they need is an equal chance in the battle of life. Why? I want to be great if they got it at some point.

His house is designated a national historic landmark. There's currently a proposal to erect a monument in his memory on the grounds of the South Carolina State House. No black representative had such a long congressional tenure as Robert Smalls until the 1950s. Jesus. Yeah. What do you think? What do I think?

Well, I think that our history with slavery doesn't ever seem to get better. But it is good, I mean, it is good to like, yeah, it is good to hear a, yeah, I mean, you know, look, it is just nice when you hear stories about people getting sticks rammed up their ass. And like this, like Ferguson and all these guys, like, That took a weird turn. Why? Sticks rammed up their ass.

Ram up the ass. What? When evil people get screwed, it feels good. You know, overall, it's terrible and, you know, it's like you do need to even, yeah, we just need to enjoy the small victories. Yeah, yeah, I think that you really have to enjoy the victories of someone who is awful suffering. Yeah.

And you also need, I mean, we're going to need the knowledge and the strength to remind ourselves that you need to take action at some point to stop bullshit. And it's going to be different for white people because they don't have a real strong relationship with doing stuff. Yeah. Well, they do stuff. They just don't do it the right way. That's called not doing it right.

It's not doing stuff. But what does that say? Can I read that? It's the Wi-Fi password. That's the password. Oh, okay. It's real small. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it's, I'm glad I know about this dude. Yeah. No, he's a good one. But rarely do we do a podcast about a guy who was a hero, this guy's a genuine badass fucking hero, a genuine badass hero. Lots to love. Yeah. Yeah.

Should I sign your car and then we get out of here? Yeah. That's a good sign of our car. All right. Thanks, everybody. Aaron, Aaron, you're fired. Aaron's fired. Sorry about that, bud.

Good work, though. Thanks.