The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 331 - Charlie Suringo

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine cowboy Charlie Suringo. SOURCESTOUR INFO MERCH BY JAMES FOSDIKE

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each week I Dave Anthony read a story from American history to my friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Is that it? Yeah that's how the intro goes. Do we do more? Yeah that's it. Ow. No yeah now you hit your hand. I hit my hand. Just start the music. I don't have a face. Start the music. No we do this. And called it quote is jam-packed. Jam-packed? I'm the fucking hippo guy. Dave okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait is it for fun? And this is not going to become a tickly podcast. This is like anarchy. And a five-part coefficient. My room's a place. Now hit him with a puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep, no hippo. That's like no hippo.

Actually partner. Hi Gary. No. I see it done my friend. No. No. Ronda. Ronda in the car. January 7th 1855. Jesus real weird. I don't think you do well with cameras filming because you do this visual stuff which is just terrible. That's what I look like when I'm sexing. Oh my god what just happened? Rewind. Charlie Syringo. Syringo? Syringo. Like if a drummer gets knighted. S-I-R-I-N-G-O. Syringo. Yeah like that. I've deserved this. Formal. Great. He was born in Matagorda County, Texas. Someone's gonna be like it's made of Gorda. Yeah. It's on a strip of land on the Texas Gulf Coast so it's like a well I'll show you. Oh Dave too. It's like a little

a little sort of they call it a peninsula. Oh my god. But it's not it's not a I don't think it's a peninsula. Is it not there? There it is. How about that? So it's like a it's a little strip of land so he's born on that bad boy. It looks like a barry island right? Yeah. You don't know what I'm you don't know what a fucking barry island is do you? Yeah I do. God damn it. How do you not know what a barrier island is? I know exactly what a barrier island is. What is it? It's an island that serves as a barrier. For what? For ships. No not for fucking ships. Whales? I don't know. I got halfway there. His mother was an Irish immigrant. His

dad was an Italian immigrant. Oh that's easy. His dad died when he was one. Sure. So we never got to do that accent. Yeah but we also would never laugh about a child in this situation because it's offensive. Oh my goodness. Could you imagine laughing about a child from the 1880s whose father died when he was one like every single person on the dollop. Charlie started going to school when he was four. Okay. No that's fine. That is very not normal for that time. Oh. The Civil War kicked off when he was six and then his teacher left to join the war. That's the best news ever. That he didn't go to school anymore. Schools out. Yeah

like boom. Schools out for war. Doesn't sound like they were rich because Charlie wore quote a long white shirt made of a flower sack after some of the big bugs had eaten the flower out. Alrighty. They have that at the gap. Oh yeah they do. It's a matter of time. Okay so he's just kind of in a bug eaten sack. He's in a uh yeah he's in a sack. A shirt. It's been. A sack shirt. Devoured. There's no more flower in it. He's just got a sweet sweet sack on. Cool. That's cool. How's yours? Keep going please. His aunt and uncle eventually sent clothes so that was nice. That's cool. Yeah so then he had clothes. He hung out with his best

friend Billy quote our three favorite pastimes were riding the milk calves coon hunting and sailing playboats on the bay shore. Okay. Playboats. Pretty normal childhood. Playboats are just little boats. Shooting raccoons. Milking riding. Milking cows. Yeah normal stuff. He'd watch and imitate local cowboys sometimes roping wild steer so he started you know picking it up a little bit as he got older. During the war the Seringo family diet consisted almost exclusively of fish, oysters, cornbread and sweet potatoes. Oh my god. And diarrhea. I mean yeah they made their coffee from parched corn and sweet

potatoes. Oh my god. Which I like to call not coffee. Corn fee. We have corn fee here. Could I get some more potatoes in my coffee? No no we gotta eat the potatoes later because we have oysters and fish. What about parched corn? Can I get some more corn in my coffee? Oh you can have a little more corn. Boy this is a real pick me up. Hey are you up yet? No I'm still tired. Feel that corn pulsing through ya? Oh I see a corn in my veins. Oh man I had too much corn. So there's fighting all they were in the area they were in there was fighting all around them and dead men would just wash up ashore on the beach. The smell of this

family must be bad. Which is fun. I don't know if you've ever experienced that. Men are just floating up on the beach. Just dead soldiers would just cruise up. That's cool. Just died dead in the water. Floaters they call them. Great cool. A place. Charlie was invited to live on a ranch to learn how to run cattle. Okay. This was his dream and he now considers considered himself a quote full-fledged cowboy. So this is his dream. So it's self-realized. He's living his dream. Right. Young boy he's living his dream. Right. But after two months on the ranch Charlie contracted typhoid fever and had to go home. Just like a cowboy.

Yeah it's like the real thing. And we're out. His mother remarried a man named Carrier. Hello my whole things. Hello I'm the holder of things. He said he had a farm and lots of property in Michigan so they should go there. He convinced Charlie's mom to sell her house 60 head of cattle and the 175 acres of land they owned. She didn't make much or you couldn't get much money for stuff then because the war is on and everything. Sure. So she didn't get a lot of money for it. And then they headed north. Charlie cried he was very sad. Okay. To leave his homestead as you as you would be I think. No. Aaron have you ever left your home

when you were a boy? This must be really hitting hard for you. Just trying to bring you in buddy. So he's gonna miss his cow brownie. Who? Aaron is? No. Charlie. Okay. He was gonna miss this because I was brownie. Brownie had been around forever. Yeah. The family took a boat to St. Louis up the river as they say. On the boat there was a bar a place to drink. Sure. So Charlie's new stepdad quote put in his spare time drinking whiskey and gambling. Nice. And soon had squandered every cent received for the homestead and the cattle. No. So I mean it had a the money had a good run. Yeah. That's a bummer. Yeah. So they get to St. Louis they move

in into an old rundown building. So that's not what they were expecting. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't the plan. They were gonna go to Michigan. Yeah. Yeah. He's where he said he had planned. But then he got them so broke that he's like we'll just live in this building in St. Louis. What about here? What about this place that has no roof? How much do you think we could get for brownie? So they left brownie. I guess a sore subject. So he said they get to St. Louis they step down. This isn't so bad huh guys? Stepdad finds a job shoveling coal for a dollar a day. Hey I found a job that's great for me. Oh good. It's looking up. First he

would bring home a dollar every night. Each night come home with a brand new buck. Then it became 50 cents. So they're talking my pay. And then it was a quarter. And then he would come home just shit-faced with a nickel. Well I didn't have them but drink again. That is the day. Isn't it? Did you guys know that you can eat coal? So good. Have some coffee. Finally one night he just didn't come home. Hey. Neighbors fed the family. He didn't come home for ages. He was gone. He was done. Okay interesting. That's a fun, sure. So Charlie then earned money shoveling snow and sawing wood around where he could. Okay. And then one day a letter

came from their stepfather with ten dollars inside. Okay. From the guy who bounced? Yeah. Okay. So he's showing that he's got his shit together. Right. He found a new job chopping wood and he asked his wife to bring the stepkids and join him in Lebanon, Illinois. Oh thank God. Yeah. And she did. She was like okay well he's got enough. He's performed. He's got it together to get money in an envelope. He's better. Yeah. He put ten dollars in some paper. Right. So he's good again. He's yeah. So things went well. Uh huh. For a while. Uh huh. And then Charlie's stepfather started spending less time working and more time drinking.

Okay. So he's right. He's uh he's an alcoholic. Sure. Right. And he's relapsing. Yeah. Right. So soon Charlie had to take over the wood chopping job. So dad's drinking, stepdad's drinking and Charlie's doing the work. Sure. Making eight dollars a month to keep the family alive. Jesus. Quote I was working out in the cold without gloves and only half clothed. So I assume he was topless working. Well it's time to get that flower bag. I mean if we're talking half clothed I hope it's the top. I hope it's the bottom that's naked. I always prefer that look. It's a fun look. Stepdad started becoming mean. Is this casual. Um stepdad

started becoming mean. Uh huh. So mean and worthless the neighbors ran him out of the county. Okay. That's bad. Yeah. Quote a crowd surrounded the house one night took him out and preached him a sermon then they gave him until morning to either skip or be hung. He didn't wait till morning. Yeah. Go. That was he was out. Okay. Well good run. The good dude. No he had a good. You know you're good if the entire town's like go. Yeah. The whole town's like we're gonna. Or we're gonna kill you. So here's our deal. We're gonna kill you or you leave because you're awful. You're a terrible person. Also here's a sermon. Oh. Christ

is good. Let's see. Christ is good. Let's do Christ stuff. Christ is good. Christ is really. That's really great. Christ. Were you raised really just saying. Okay. So that I can't get a I can't get an affirmative on whether or not a nail. No that was really good. Seem like a sermon right. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus comes down from the hills again. Jesus is down from the hills again. He is good. He is great. Jesus came down from the hills. He's late. Bicycle hat. Bicycle hat. I'm doing like a different. What is your deal. Electronica. Electronica. Cool. So what you just know music from serious XM stations. I believe it to be

electronica. So Charlie's now 13 years old. Okay. His mother and sister leave. They go to find work in St. Louis and they leave him behind because he's 13. He can handle it. No for sure he's 13. All right. So he comes down with malaria. Cool. Yeah. That's fun. Adolescent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of adolescents get that but you can take pills for that now. Sure. That now. Yeah. So he had he only had 90 cents because his boss after his stepdad left he's like well your stepdad owed $35 and that's how much you had. That's cool. So Charlie then took off. He's like well I'm gonna go to St. Louis and find my mom. Okay. Which is easy to

do. St. Louis is just a big city and all you have to do is just go there. You're 13. You have 90 cents. Go to St. Louis. Figure it out. You're not gonna find your mom. Just walking to St. Louis. What are you worried about? Yeah. You got 90 cents Dave. I think you're gonna be able to figure it out. Yeah. You got this. Just burp. Yeah. That's cool. It's good. That's professional. They teach that in radio school. So when he arrived he had no. They teach naming classes wherever you went to school. Yeah. When he arrived he basically had no money so he sold his Bible for 25 cents to buy food. Oh my god. Right away do that. Why do you have that? Yeah. At that point. I mean that's the

equivalent of going to a coin store. Yeah. For sure. That's immediate. Yeah. First thing you do. That was the original coin store. You put your Bible in and then. Here's a quarter. A quarter would come out. Oh nice. He got a job as a bellboy and he worked for a whole year but then he got into a fight with another bellboy and he left. And then he decided to go to New Orleans so he stowed away on a ship. Got caught. Had to work his way the whole way there. Okay. And he got injured because he was loading grain and it fell on him. Sure. He's having a good run. Yeah. So there he's broke and he's in New Orleans now a little bit hurt and then some weirdo just walks up to him on the street. Hey. I'm going to picture

a little pearl man if that's okay. That's fine. Quote well dressed old man about 50 years of age with an umbrella over his head. Hello. Hello it's not raining. I predict rain. Hey freak. He made Charlie an offer to help his wife around in the house for $4 a month and after four months he said he would then buy Charlie's passage to Texas. So he'd buy his passage back home. Okay. Passage meaning trip. Yeah. Right. Okay. So Charlie's like all right I'll help your old lady around for four months. Sure. Weird guy who thinks it's raining. Yeah. So Mr. and Mrs. Myers had a very big home and no kids. This is shady. But this is just don't you if you don't have kids you go when you find one on the street.

No. This is how you like get a bot. This is just how you get like a body. They treated Charlie like a son. They enrolled him in public school. Okay. But then Charlie got into a fight and he ran away. Okay. Got in a fight school and he just instead of going home he ran he ran. Well so then they put him into a private school. That's how yeah and then he got into a fight with a bully. Sure. And he stabbed him in the leg. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Okay. And then the bully got up to run and Charlie chased him. Okay. And then he stabbed him in the back. Okay. Okay. So just all right. So are we do we have all the stabbings? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that's classic 13. So he's got a leg stabbing followed by the back

stabbing. Yeah. Okay. Great. Okay. Cool. So what's next boarding school or where do we well Charlie thought he had killed him. So he he jumped on a ship that was going to St. Louis and stowed away. Okay. So not a big details. So he got the fuck out of there is what he did. Okay. Yeah. So is that the end of that again. Yeah. That was the end of that story. These people just put him in two schools until he almost killed the guy or thought he killed the guy and then he stowed away again. Yeah. I mean it's why you don't take in street urchins. Sure. So he still couldn't find his mom in St. Louis. I think he dodged a bullet with that couple. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The weird umbrella guy was definitely going to do something weird. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a real

get out. He was going to end up baking. Yeah. For something. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Hanging in the basement or whatever. Yeah. Cured meat. No. Or maybe just some sort of like you know knotted to the wall sex life. Yeah. I can't do it anymore Charlie but I'm going to watch you and tell you what to do. Give it to the Mrs. Look at you hitting puberty. Or you'll be baking. Okay. So he's in St. Louis. He looks for his mom. I can't find his mom and then he goes back Jesus to the weird couple in St. Louis. Oh no. He goes back to the vacant house. What do you got? Well because they were feeding him and taking care of him. Yeah. They're fattening him up like Hansel and Gretel. They got him back into the private school. The private school took him back.

What? On what ground? After the stabbing. Did they remove his hands? No. They were like oh he was probably like I won't stab anybody anymore in there. No. But he did do it twice on one guy. I know but maybe he deserved it. I got away with two stabbings. So did he. You're just a young teen like it's just you know a crazy time. My voice is changing and I'm stabbing more. Boy my body's going through a whole bunch of different changes. There's hair on my balls and I'm stabbing people. Well a couple things have happened. I'm getting nocturnal emissions and I crave the taste of brain. Jesus. Sorry I'm one of these adolescents you read about. One day there was a fire near the school and and Charlie was like can I go look

at the fire and the teacher was like no and he was like well I'm going to look at the fire and then and then. You know how you combat that. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. And then he got there and he was like oh shit I I fucked up I shouldn't go back to school. What. So he hopped on a steamship head over Texas. What is going on. Is he I mean he's like forest gumping. He's not he's not great at facing problems. Yeah. That's how I feel right now. He's a cut and runner. He's also a kid. He's 15 or 16 now. Yeah. So he he goes to Texas. He gets a job working as a cowboy on one of the biggest ranchers in Texas. Right. So he's living the dream. He's back to live in the dream. Sure. He he traveled the west driving Longhorn cattle Brandon

unclaimed cattle. Other cowboys nicked him nicknamed him dull knife because he had a knife that he would use to kill rattlesnakes all the time. He'd throw it at him and stab him and he cut their heads off. Why is it dull knife because it's a dull knife. He just cut it so much and he I guess he never sharpened it or whatever. Maybe it's hard to cut. Do they know about the stabbings. I don't know if they do. I don't know if he would bring that up to people. Yeah probably not. Hey you guys this is a funny story one time. You know it's funny you guys call me dull knife. I started avoiding the neck and neck and the leg and then I stabbed him in the back and I was like hey hey I should leave. Anyway that's my story. And I was so sure I killed him. I left. He could

be dead. And then I went back to the couple. I came back a couple of while later. I couldn't find my mom. I mean I had 90 cents. So after two years Charlie just after two years working on the ranch he decides to move on. Good God. And he went to settle up with the old Irishman who kept the store there. So the guy would he would keep their pay for when they were leaving. Okay. And then also they would buy stuff at the store. Sure. His name is Hunky Dory Brown. I'm sorry. Hunky Dory Brown. His name was Hunky Dory Brown. It's a classic Irish name. Is he Irish. Yep. His name is Hunky Dory. Hunky Dory. Yeah that's probably a nickname. So like Hunky Dory is like something Midwest teachers say. It's also a guy. That's insane. A lot of

things are insane. Hunky Dory. Yeah. How are you. I'm the original. You know when you feel like everything's pretty good you just say me. Just think old Hunky Dory Brown. HTB. Yeah. Hunky Dory. I got it. How are you. I'm leaving. Well I'm Hunky Dory. Okay. And I'm also doing Hunky Dory. I don't like you. I don't like anything about you. So. Things are lonely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure they are. Your name's terrible. You have a terrible name. It's impossible. I know. It's been an absolute curse. I hope you perish. I am. So. Oh you want to see what he looks like. Who. Hunky Dory Brown. Young Charlie. Oh that's Charlie. Wow. Big pocket. Pocket. So from the store Charlie had earned a few hundred dollars during the two years he'd worked there and Hunky Dory

put it on the counter and then told Charlie how much he owed the store. Uh oh. He took it all back and left seventy five cents. What. I mean so he's just bull. He's he's full of it. Well that was just the classic. That was the classic move. It still is a still is a move in some places but they when you work on a farm that's what they would do. You also did eat a lot. Yeah you ate food so that's going to be a problem. You ate a hundred and eighty dollars worth of beans. How much was my pay. Two hundred dollars. And then of course there's the bean eating fee. Wait what. That's nine dollars. For eating the beans. For eating the beans. Plus fork around old plate usage. No. Just going to have those up. Oh boy. What. You're. I mean you're

coming out pretty good. You get seventy five cents. I worked here for seven years. Ah yep. Just think about that from a bean standpoint. The way I like to look at it is you ate almost a billion beans. That's not. Beans don't think then you can't look at something from a bean standpoint. Well buddy I don't have time to talk about bean POV with you. Here's your three quarters. Take care. I think I just invented. Hey there's no asides in here. Sorry. You're not allowed to read the goddamn side on the door. No asides. No shirts. No shoes. No service. No asides. I just invented. Hey. Get out of here if you haven't decided. Bean. Get out of here if you're having an aside. Get out. Google bean POV and milk. But buddy. Gotta go.

When he was 18 Charlie and a friend started a business skinning cattle. Finally. I assume that the cattle were dead. Well that's a hope. After winter he made. After just one winter he made a hundred and fourteen dollars. Okay. So the most money he's ever made in his entire life by far. Fucking rich. He bought a saddle and after learning he learned where his mom was from a friend. He sent her twenty five bucks. He's like I'm fine. Shit's going crazy here. And then he bought a ship with a friend and named it the bloodhound. Okay. So we're fucking rolling. He would then go down the coast. Texas he would buy melons. Sure. And they would sail up river and he would sell them to factory workers to eat on the lunch or whatever. Guys come in a factory like you want a melon.

Right. And they'd be like yo won't you bet I want a melon. Hey look there's that bloodhound boat with all that's melon. And when oyster season would come he'd switch to selling oysters instead of melons. He'd go up river. Oh that's just as refreshing. Thanks Charlie. Man a nice quick oyster break in the hot hot sun. We've been painting and fixing all day. Those melon quidges your thirst but so does that juice that sticks around the shell of an oyster. Oh yeah. Papa's hydrated as ever. A lot of factories like I know Ford won't allow oysters anymore. They won't. No singer stopped allowing. I like how. No oysters. There's naming companies. All right guys that's an equity oyster five. Don't exist. And then and so then after that he

got rid of the ship and he went back to cowboying. Sure. Movement herds getting cattle branding that kind of stuff. He drank gotten fights just lived the life lost a lot of money betting. In April Charlie quote got shot through the knee with one of those old time dragon pistols which carried a very large ball. Okay. So he's immobilized and he's like you know what I'm going to try I'm going to try and go to school again so I can't do anything else. Okay. So he's basically an adult kind of 18 or something. Sure. He went there for two weeks and got into a fight with a teacher and left. Great. Okay good. So now can we officially say school's not for him. Is it time to can we. Well he doesn't have the best luck in school.

Well yeah no people keep falling into his knives. Now somehow word got to his mom that he'd been shot and then she came to help him but before she got there he left he left and went to Houston. Obviously. Ships passing in the night kind of thing. Yeah it was time to leave. He'd been there for a while. So she stayed and waited for months. Boy this really I mean it just does show you like the the it's so easy to contact people. Yeah yeah I mean we're loving it was so she's waiting months months in Houston months he'll come back or no she's he's he's on his way to yeah he's in the Pan Hill or Panhandle area Pan Hill. So she stays with friends who are named Morris when we're we are Morris hi we're Morris we are all Morris hi I'm Morris drink

from the cup of Morris and become one of us we are all Morris drink Charlie we are Morris all right get you it's a weirdo so um so he comes back after a while I don't know how long and then he decided that him his mom decided to build the house together they're like let's build the house and we'll put our money together build the house sure um so they put together and they gave it to Mr. Morris who took a schooner to go up to Indianola to buy wood so he's heading up river to buy wood sure um but then a hurricane came okay and uh it hit this is before they named him yeah and it hit while Mr. Morris was going up the river um and the boat and everything on it was gone including the money oh boy yeah and Mr. Morris ah he's all right but he's they lost the money I guess that was

maybe sitting on the top of the ship under an anchor like you know if you have a lot of money you'll just put an anchor you put money down and then anchor on top sure yeah a paperweight it's an old sailor thing hmm so the money's gone uh he uh then he told his mom well I'm gonna go up the trail meaning he's gonna go get cowboy work and he said he'd be back by fall and then uh she waited for four years okay before he came any way to give a heads up no I mean it was hard possible way no I don't think so it's not a snooze button um what just delaying the years I think you can it's a different time like some nowadays you'd be out and you'd be like hey I'm gonna go out for a couple hours maybe out for four but then but then it was years you'd be like I'm gonna be gone for

like six months and then you're like oh it's been eight years hi I'm a man so uh he goes back to be a cowboy uh he's working on a ranch Billy the kid whoa his gang show up one time um kid the kid was trying to unload stolen horses okay uh the two guys got to know each other he didn't have a shooting contest Billy kid was faster um in 1881 Billy the kid's gang took cattle from the ranch that Charlie was working on so they came to sell horses stolen horses and then they came back later and stole cows from uh these guys uh or cattle whatever uh and then uh and then they he drove them to New Mexico and then he was having them butchered like you know take taking care of for me turning them into meat is what thank you yeah um just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean

that I don't understand when if you're gonna because so meat comes from cows and other animals and to get it you gotta cut the cow in the little very clear pieces basically I understand and then never not understand and then you can go to a butcher and he will sell you parts of that and you will take that on absolutely yeah you get that yes okay Charlie and uh a few others were sent to get the get the cows try to get them before they're butchered I understand if not you can get you can get the what's left of the because they're in peace I understand how it works with a butcher I get it okay it just doesn't get it it doesn't seem it's very clear okay so uh they were told not to try to capture Billy the kid for the reward money get Billy the cow until they had

the cattle so they're like you can get the get the cattle first and then you get Billy the kid right okay so Charlie found the guy who was butchering the cattle okay right so this guy's cutting up the cow no of course yeah I don't even need to see the smaller pieces yes he's a butcher he's a butchering he makes meat and pieces steak and for sure yeah there's different cuts for sure hamburger different cuts absolutely there's a rib eye tongue tongue sure yeah it's not high on the list they use a lot of the parts yeah they do for sure yeah yep yeah so um and that was in Vegas that guy was in Vegas of course and so Billy was getting supplies um and then he heard that the other guys killed Billy the kid okay yeah wow so Charlie had to stay in New Mexico to testify at the trial

of the slaughterhouse guy the butcher okay cuts up the cows yep he cuts him a piece yes okay uh so while he was there he got smallpox which is a kick in the pants so you're just there you're just like man I got jury I got jury fucking duty and then bam you're covered in sauce uh so there was no doctor so this is part of the delay yeah that's part of the day so there's no doctor of course not um uh so he has to ride two so while he has smallpox he has to ride 200 miles oh on a horse it's raining uh so he's sleeping at night in the rain covering smallpox he and then he had to hide his illness from people because everybody saw him they would throw him in a pest house which is where they put in the west that's where they put people at smallpox they throw you in a in a house that's

been a couple movies recently anyway uh his quote face from nose to chin being a solid scab and terribly swollen that is sexy uh that I mean oh god it just does make you like in in this day and age you are so like just even neo-sporin just for the drive just yeah just just on the on the ride there to just be like ah oh the rain really dries it out out uh Charlie's asked that uh nobody make him smile literally anyway he rented a room put a handkerchief around his face I'm robbing banks good night when he was well he and his mother uh he went back to his mother they moved to Kansas so he beat smallpox yeah okay uh they go to Kansas together he's like let's move to Kansas I'm tired of this shit yeah well he's he wants to get to every state yeah yeah and he got offered a job

there in Kansas so he took it his mother's happy to go she's let's get the fuck out of here quote there is only one thing she hated to leave behind Charlie and that was her wood pile okay she had spent two years lugging wood and piling it up against her old shanty for old age so that was like her she's a wood hoarder it was like her pension oh interesting wow crazy sad and interesting wow yeah I mean it was a different time uh when he was 29 Charlie met Mammy Lloyd hello I'm Mammy quote I fell head over heels in love with a pretty little 15 year old a black eyed miss who might accidentally met that that's pretty normal back then 15 he's he's 29 so he's half of her age so when she was when he was 14 she was zero which is exciting so just three days after meeting we

were engaged and at the end of the three days we were made one so they got married oh okay I thought they were melted together sounds like six days they got married yeah that's pretty cool right that's good that's that's good yeah three days later he got he had to go off and drive cattle um back somewhere and he didn't come back for six months so great well it's a girl meet a girl nine days later you're sure back on your job yeah um after a few days he came back um six months later after a few days he was told he had to head out again but he didn't want to leave his new wife yeah he's like I just we've only been doing being able to do it for three days well he doesn't want to miss her 16th yeah so he swore off quote swore off cow punch and he's like I'm not doing it anymore I'm

not driving the cows mammy's my cow now he ran a tobacco store sure and also an ice cream and oyster parlor what is going on with this man and oysters I mean this is a perversion at this point right man would you like some oysters on your mint chip absolutely not here we go just oh they slide right off the ice cream I've been working for so long and I forget how much the oysters just slide right off wrinkles oysters oyster sprinkles what do you need you want a shell on it do would you like your ice cream in a shell uh uh an ad he ran for man likes oysters too much an ad he ran from that time charlie seringo wants every cow puncher nester and china men in the united states to know that he makes a specialty of fine cigars and tobacco okay so he's reaching

out covering a lot of demos different people yeah uh mammy made the newspaper herself quote miss charlie seringo found $15 lying on the sidewalk sunday even and as soon as the owner was discovered returned it to him honest little woman a man would have kept it and played seven up on that steak for a week by the way we're not a paper we're just anecdotal typing imagine a paper honey did you hear this story about the woman who found $15 oh my god if that was a man he would have kept it that's what the paper saying I love papers but they found the man who dropped oh wow that's interesting whoa hold on not I didn't mean to distract you did you see this one story what's that there's a man huh who has a frog oh my goodness like a

like a wet like a hopping frog yeah hopping frog oh my goodness oh wow we do live in fun times oh hold on a minute hold on I've seen the craziest thing I've ever seen what's that this is a story about a woman huh it's got flowers oh my goodness oh oh I love the news now you know what's interesting think back in the 1600s when they didn't have stories organized like this no what did they do for fun well they must have just stared at the wall oh man we're lucky to live in such exciting times read me the frog story again all right now a man after a couple years charlie thought he was one hell of a businessman and too big for a little town a man like him belonged in Chicago sure he's not 31 okay he wrote his first book a texas cowboy or 15 years on the hurricane

deck of a spanish pony what yeah look um that's that's his book oh the texas cowboy 15 years on the hurricane deck of a spanish pony covers a little busy by chas aceringo I don't know why it's chas maybe this is his nickname um so he's now 31 he's got his first book um he's killing it he goes to Chicago workers there not having a great time they're trying to organize to get an eight hour workday the businessmen are like oh no you should 15's better you should more shouldn't you be more slate slate slavish um and they also were fighting for equal pay for woman women you can imagine that's great that that still hasn't happened so strikes were on and others are being discussed like around Chicago owners of factories railroads mine services industries

and other businessmen are not happy with what's happening okay the mccormick reaper works made a 71 profit in 1884 and still wanted to cut worker pay okay wow imagine imagine I can't imagine imagine a guy having billions of dollars now and not paying people enough money to get off food stamps we live in fair times now bezos um so they start hiring scabs strikes happen there are scabs there's fights with the scabs the police the pinkertons there's a rally at haymarket square which was called to protest police brutality which you're a big fan of um I think the cops should be able to do whatever they want uh someone threw a homemade bomb at some point I made that exploded police were killed please shoot people it's a whole fucking mess okay trawley his wife

and baby were rooming with a family on nearby harrison avenue quote we went to bed expecting a riot before morning so we were not surprised when we heard the explosion of the bomb and soon after the shooting which followed after the riot the city was all excitement and I commenced to wish that I were a detective so as to help ferret out the thrower of the bomb and his backers I'd like to ferret this man out I'd like to get in on this did you say ferret ferret I'd like to ferret him out yeah that's a different thing never mind never mind I was thinking you don't want to ferret him out where I come I'm looking more for a sex dungeon oh no sorry that's what I'm offering oh hello hello that is the kind of ferret yes meet the latex ferrets oh so charlie

decided to join the pinkerton's national detective agency oh wow okay which was headquartered in chicago um he got a letter of introduction from his bank sure meet charlie the letter quote gentlemen the bear mr charlie a syringo we know to be a person of good character and having been a cowboy and he and brought up on the play planes his services and ability are commendable to you the bank said this yes the bank the bank wrote a letter of recommendation okay we are the bank I would love to go into fucking my bank now and just be like hey can you guys I know you're a credit union yeah sad credit union but listen uh I want to get a job at 7-eleven oh we'd love to recommend you oh you can we've always loved how you banked oh thank you yeah you banked really well thank you

so yeah we have no problem setting up a general meeting over there great yeah we'd love to get you in the mix that we really would I mean we just think that you're fantastic you're a great bank you're a great guy thank and we are the bank and we are great too and you are great and we love having your money here yeah but we were rooting for you this is awesome we're rooting for you this is awesome we're rooting for you like you guys we love you can I work here yeah okay I yes yeah yeah yeah I mean you seem unqualified but again we just love you so much like money we love you so much well you're not to touch it in any personal capacity but we love it okay okay that's a gun oh it's in your face uh huh I want money okay this is a bad I'm doing a bad interview yeah I just

realized I shouldn't do that great okay you're still hired okay we're the bank we love you I love money and we love that you retracted when you pulled the gun out that's great for you also I want to let a recommendation absolutely I'm gonna get a new suit great for sure I need the tailor to hey we don't have any questions we're just a bank okay Charlie also used Pat Garrett the killer of Billy the kid as a reference okay uh saying he uh Pat said that uh Chelly had assisted in getting Billy the kid okay just a lie William Pinkerton then hired him okay now William Pinkerton uh was his nickname was big eye right um he is Alan Pinkerton's son so he's not he's not the guy who came up with the Pinkertons he is the son of the guy who invented the Pinkerton agency now the

now the original guy who invented the Pinkerton age it was cool but he was actually he actually just solved crimes and he wasn't a bad guy and then William took over and William is what is known as a piece of shit oh I've read about those yeah uh so uh they but the Pinkerton hired men of all ages colors nationalities they didn't hire women Alan had hired women but this guy wouldn't hire women okay um they even have an african-american guy in the office that they call black Jim sure which is that's how you tell him apart from other people you just yell out well if you only have one black guy in the office I don't think you know yeah it's totally fine Jim will do yeah well black Jim we're gonna call you black Jim Jim will do but we'll go we're gonna go just to tell

you apart we're gonna go you we're gonna go the only way that's okay is if everybody else has white before okay so that guy over there his name is Jim right uh-huh so we call him Jim uh-huh we call you black Jim oh can't we just call him white Jim no why is Jim right okay uh so the agency is not really what Charlie was expecting he found his line of work to be filled with men quote devoid of moral principle or character okay he found the detectives were just writing up fake reports that would please clients one operative wrote quote blood curdling reports of things the anarchists were doing to do we're going to do to society and the money to class so he they were just like making up stuff right that that they thought people would be people would be doing and and

they're predicting yeah give them to the businessman breaking in the dough okay um he was immediately showing how we never sleep he was immediately shown how that's the that's the slogan of the pinkerton agency we never sleep we're never we're all on meth we're exhausted god help us pick a tip help us please pinkerton's we're hallucinating from a lack of sleep and meth use pinkerton's please help us i've pinkerton's there's bugs under our skin he immediately was showing how to fill out expense reports operatives were paid eight dollars per day and all expenses even laundry whoa when he turned in his first set of bills his superior gave them back quote as he said the client was wealthy and it was the custom of the agency to allow their

operatives to overcharge so as to make extra money this was how pinkerton kept men employed without paying a high salary wait so explain that so pinkers not paying very much money sure so they would just submit fake expenses to clients right and then that's how they want to get their pay that's cool so charlie did it he doubled the expenses he was like okay i guess that's what we do here uh he didn't like it he didn't feel good about it um but he didn't consider exposing the pinkerton agency he was sure he wouldn't have been believed and if he was believed the agency would set him up to fall take a fall for a crime right he's like i can't you know deal with these guys will fuck me right i have to steal i have to steal right that's a problem isn't it uh he considered

quitting but justified staying by convincing himself the agency would do bad shit with or without him so he may as well stay and do what good he could yeah that's what's known as one of the good bad guys bullshit one of the good bad guys yeah i mean if i wasn't here then he went to wall street he'd still be doing it yeah charlie was stationed in denver that's where he was sent sure one of his first cases the pinkertons were hired by a wealthy banker who had stolen the bank's money the banker stole the bank's money bank steals his own bank's money okay and took off to canada okay so the pinkertons were hired to make sure that no one from the us came and kidnapped him and brought him back to face justice okay and sure enough someone did come and kidnap him and try and

take him back to the us but the pinkertons got there in time and saved him and brought him back to canada to live out his wonderful life as a criminal on the run okay so it's a good they're good people right as long as they get paid yeah charlie was the only guy uh superintendent aims who's his boss uh in denver had not handpicked so he's picked all of his other detectives except for charlie got sent to him one of his picks was quote a noted safe blower he told charlie he had been pardoned hey if you give me the code i know how to make you happy and what give me the code and i'll figure it out what's the combination of the safe i don't know how to save give me the combo i i don't know what we're doing pants off i'll give you the combo you give me the combo

what oh take your pants oh oh oh hi hi hi i didn't know this is that kind of place yeah yeah i'm a safe blower oh my goodness yeah hi how are you good ready to answer off yeah pants are off pants are off pants are off hi okay i'm nervous okay i've never been blown by a safe all right no what happens wait what no i'm gonna suck uh huh no cowboy okay this case is okay if i yell cowboy what are you doing this conversation's over okay i did blow that yeah because you didn't hi so uh two pigerton detectives in denver quote kept trunks in the detectives room full of stolen closed jewelry and more one of them went on to become the mayor of portland sure organ sure trunk club normal stuff uh it was common uh to bill up to four clients at a time even though the

clients got so lawyery that each operative was on their case exclusively but that was so lawyer it is lawyery isn't it super lawyery oh i spent a point five minutes on your call i scanned something that'll be a hundred dollars yeah um the pinker said they did not get involved in divorces but that was not true so they would like outwardly advertise saying they didn't get involved in divorces but we do but we never sleep uh charlie and we're in denver there was one man who had an affair with a woman and to keep it out of the papers uh the man hired the pinkertons to keep the woman's husband quiet so the guy who fucks fucks the wife how do they keep the guy's husband quiet that's yeah that's how they're gonna do that intimidation yeah right the pinkertons plan

was to meet him in an alley and hit him with a pipe okay so they're like really calculated detectives and they really all right boys we got to do this one right so we took a lot of time we thought about this a lot hey boss i found a pipe all right great so the four of us will go in the alley and let's just beat him with the pipe that's great great great let's call it an earthy night early night or an earthy night um they actually wanted charlie to do it they told charlie to go hit the guy with the pipe charlie you're the best guy for the pipe thing but he was like i'm not gonna do that okay cool someone else will do it then so they ended up hiring an outside guy a contractor situation are you doing i'm the guy i'll swing a pipe for money but then the husband just beat

the shit out of that guy so someone bad down there where's it gonna meet the guy i'm not good with a pipe so the guy took a pipe and then beat me with the pipe so not charlie is on the outs with super intended aims like that he's like why didn't you go hit the guy with the pipe yeah we're gonna take our picker tips you're not a team player your buddies needed you to kill a guy with a pipe and you back down so they told him he was blacklisted from future murder cases okay okay sure and he was like that's totally cool right i'm fine with that a little while later two detectives were beating up a man in the office trying to get him to confess to a crime that he didn't commit and we know he didn't commit them because the two detectives had

committed the crime interesting dynamic for that i mean that you're not enough times so are we seeing stuff like that where you know you are trying to get the confession to save your own ass yeah it's a very it's a conflated yeah um so charlie put a loaded pistol in one of the detectives faces and told the innocent guy to leave go after superintendent aims told charlie that he was going to fire him but before it happened superintendent aims and all the detectives in the office were fired because william pickerton found out that aims was stealing per diems from the agency on the side well it's not enough to just rob clients line he's also stealing per diems from the agency yeah i mean it's like stealing printing paper we can't we can't fucking trust a criminal i know

it's weird charlie ended up being the only guy in the office who is not fired so james mcparland came now you remember james mcparland from do you remember the molly mcguire's episode you probably don't nope um so he is a guy who infiltrated the molly mcguires and took them down during their strike oh okay right right so he's a piece of shit right um he became the new supervisor and then he sent charlie to fair play colorado to help fix an election fair play he's like can you to help fix an election there's a wealthy man there who wanted to become a senator okay so here are the pinkertons and on election day charlie and another detective were in charge of a precinct okay and so they go to saloons load up a wagon with dudes take them to vote then drive

them back and give them two bucks okay and some guys just did this all day long they just repeat cool gig and make a nice cash yeah yeah uh the pinkertons did not favor republicans the democrats just whoever had money okay nice so yeah uh when he was in denver charlie voted eight times while he was dressed up as a hobo uh that's fun uh for each vote he got 25 cents from a democratic money guy but then he had to give all the money to the pinkerton agency what a weird okay it's just how you made a living man god it's a good thing that we've secured our elections and like you don't stuff like that doesn't happen hey maybe cabba has some issues no what it just seems like there's no problems no nothing okay it just seems what nothing okay it's like people take

money and then they do stuff yeah and it's great bad stuff because they need money it's great okay but those are the people you need to put money back into the economy duh what are you dumb yeah but if they're what you're paying people people will do bad things to get money yeah sure but then they put that money back into the economy okay i feel like we're not we're not talking on the same sort of level okay so people do people people need to make money and and sometimes they can't make money the way you want them to until they have to do things that are wrong uh huh money yeah just to get by yeah yeah but then they're putting that back in the economy that's what makes the economy good is voodoo economics okay i get it now yeah thank you for this talk yeah in 1887 charlie infiltrated

a gang uh three pinkertons had previously tried and they couldn't they couldn't oh so he'd point break them so charlie faked that he had a broken leg ah my leg i should join up with you guys and then they took him in ah man my leg so jacked up and and and nursed him back to health hey thanks for giving me all those eggs classic bad guys yeah uh he ended up becoming good boss what do you think we should name him i actually already have a name it's charlie i want to name him booboo uh my name is charlie not booboo hey booboo hi how you doing booboo guys i'm worried about booboo i think he's sick i laid with booboo last night he was weird what are you talking about you know i just had his head in my lap i was trying to get him to par i'm uncomfortable guys i think we need to have booboo

fixed i think he's i think he's horny what yeah he's in heat what are you talking about he keeps talking about wanting to go out and talk to girls i think we got to take off his stuff what are you i don't want booboo growing up he's a fucking man he's my baby booboo and i love him he's 35 he's all mine and he's a baby boy all right all right never mind let's we should name him charlie let's then call him charlie again because not as catchy okay booboo you want to be named charlie anyway charlie ended up uh booboo becoming friends with the guys and then having them arrested but he felt bad he felt bad about it sure he had him arrested he was like oh i feel bad it's hard going undercover yeah um no he's in too deep he's donnie broscoed yeah but all their cases are dismissed so he felt

he felt better okay next he investigated train robbery okay the suspects were named smith so he went and got a job working for a farmer named smith who lived close by that's good detective work right they gotta be related nobody has that name any any of the smiths around here is 850 what about that guy with a farm he's a smith let's go all right quote farmer smith had a pretty black eyed daughter and i made love to her okay the girl showed me a letter from her brothers in the letter they stated they were going to a certain town in arizona soon oh in the 1880s definition of made love was flirted the definition of made love was flirted yeah back then so they just were flirting he flirted whether he did not have he did not put his penis inside there was no coitus okay i don't

know why you gotta be like put it right in there in and out in and out no he didn't do that he didn't do no he didn't put in and out in out in and out in in and out in and out in there stop stop stop stop david david david david david david david david david david david david david david david charlie had the brothers arrested okay and then the sheriff put charlie in a cell with the brothers to try to get a confession okay now the cell was still splattered with blood because because the last guy in there had cut his throat. Sure, great. I guess they didn't have sponges or whatever back then.

No. So they just left the blood all splattered about. Right, nice. Quote, one of the Smiths had a bullet wound through the head which gave out quite an odor that put on the finishing touch of the already foul smell in the air. Oh my God. What?

What, the man has a smelly head hole? Yeah. He's got like a rotting whale head? I mean, yeah. He's got a blow hole? Basically, he had a smelly head hole, yeah. OK. Ah.

Hey, man, you mind if we corker? Oh, damn. Did my head cork come out? Yeah, sorry. You just leak and fume. That'll stink up. Oh, it stinks it right up. Oh, yeah.

To me, it smells good, though. You know, you know how that happens. Well, that's your own thing. Yeah, it's different like that. Smells great to me. No, to the rest of us, it's a nightmare. No, it's good. Yeah.

It smells like bacon and a little bit of broccoli. No, like in bad ways, but no, it's worse. Yeah. So after a few days, he got a confession. And then so he wins that fucking, he's killing it. Right. He's killing it. So next, he heads to Aspen to go undercover as a miner,

which didn't go well at first because he was teamed up with another Pinkerton. And that guy was opening a box of blasting caps with his knife and it exploded them. OK. And he blew out both eyes and his hands off. Hey, has anyone seen my hands? Or my eyes.

Or my eyes. The guy begged Charlie to just shoot him in the head right there because he didn't want to live like that. But Charlie didn't. And then the guy was sent back east to live with his mom. Oh, my God. His mom was like, oh, you got potato. Oh, this will be easy.

So that's a great time to not have eyes and hands, 1890. Poor guy. Honestly, just shoot him. Yeah. I mean, come on. So Charlie infiltrated a gang of ore thieves, found where they kept the ore and had them arrested. Oh, I thought you said a gang ore thief.

A gang of ore, ore thieves. Yeah, yeah. So undercover is becoming his thing. Like he's clearly good at going undercover. Right. And then Charlie was sent to Park County because the Lord Mayor of London paid $190,000 in cash for the mudsill silver mine, and he thought it might have

been salted. OK. Let me explain that to you because. Yeah. So there's tons of conmen. Wherever there's mines, there's fucking loads of conmen. That's how it works back then. And they would sell.

Yeah, I run this place. They would sell worthless mines to rich guys. OK. Right. OK. So it's like a storage. Yes, it's exactly like storage wars. It's a little.

It's nothing like storage wars. A little. And not even close. There's some relative, there's some like related qualities. Not even slightly. For sure. Not even in the tiniest part. I'll be honest, I haven't seen storage wars.

Not even in the tiniest part. I'll be honest, I haven't seen storage wars. Holy shit. So they're just standing there like, boy, you're going to love this mine. Right. But here's how they'd sell it, that a conmen would take ore from another mine and scatter it around the city.

Whoa, look at this. Yeah, look at all this silver. It's basically puking it. Holy moly. Some guys would take a shotgun, load it with gold dust, and shoot the walls. OK. Wow.

Wow. And then gold would embed itself into the rock. And then, but then smart, and so guys are catching onto it. So a smart buyer would ask to see what was in the rock. He'd be like, why don't you crack one of them rocks open? So then the conmen would go a step further and find a crack and put dynamite into the gold and then blow it up in there and then put gold in the dynamite

cap, put the dynamite cap into a crack and blow it up. Whoa, look at that gold. Yeah, it's in there. Jeez. Now it's all at the interior. But some smart buyers would bring a geologist. So there was also bichloride of gold, which is liquid. It was used as medicine and it would pass through the body.

So a guy could drink it and then piss a crack, piss in a crack in a mine. And so he'd piss in there and then gold would go in the. This is to con people. Guys would drink gold and then piss gold. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. What? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You can piss gold? Yeah, we should do it. We should this weekend. Come on. How long until Kanye West pisses gold? God, all I want to do is pee gold now. So it might do that now. Yeah, sure.

It's some bichloride. I don't know. It's probably horrible for you, but, you know. Oh, well, I mean, I'm less sold. Entire towns would be in on the scam as they'd all make money from some rich guy buying a mine. Sure. So Charlie eventually learned all about the mine salting operation in this town, which

helped the Lord Mayor recover all his money. OK. He's fucking good at his job. Right. Charlie's great. In 1889, Mami was diagnosed with pleurisy. You mean she can't make things sound singular? She can't.

Yeah. Cats. I love to use that kind of stuff. Yeah. I ate all the dinners and I loves all the worlds. OK. We should take you to the doctor because you're sounding like a pleurisy. To the doctors.

Doctors. Well, there's one. I have diseases. It helps. OK. With everything. Yes. Alls it is is.

OK. Let's go to the doctor. Doctors. OK. Yes. Is. So actually what it is is it's like an inflammation of the, of like a layer. Will you drink it gold?

Around your lungs. It's a layer of infection around your lungs. Inflammation of the, I can't, I don't know exactly what it is, but it's like there's a layer around your lungs and it gets inflamed. I have to think about pissing gold. You die from it. You say things twice. So her father wanted her to, her to go back to Missouri where he lived for an operation.

So Charlie sent his wife and daughter off. OK. Charlie was then assigned to learn who had blown up two wealthy mine owners in Nevada. Blown up that mine owners? Yeah. They blew up the people who owned the mine? OK. So there's two mine owners and someone rigged bombs under their beds during the night.

Oh, wow. So. Quote. Mr. Pelling and his mattress went up through the roof. I love that story. Mr. Pelling and his mattress. And landed right side up with care in the middle of the street. He was still wrapped in the quilts and blankets.

Hey. What did I eat? I let the shock put him out of business for a while, but otherwise he was not hurt. OK. Not. So lucky it was Mr. Prince. He was badly used up, but soon recovered. He too was blown out into the street, but not on the feather bed.

OK. So one landed on his bed? One didn't. Right. And that's, that's. And anything's possible. He lived in a cartoon. I don't know.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Charlie befriended the suspect, then talked him into heading out into the country to prospect for gold together. OK. So this guy, he thinks did it. And he's like, hey, let's go check it out.

And he's like, what do you say we go on a couple of bros going to gold the prospecting mission? Sure. I think that's great. I like you. I like you. I like you. Let's go prospecting.

Let's prospecting. Me and you going to find some gold. Me and you going to look for gold. Here's Charlie. Oh, it's Charlie and that guy. That's just Charlie. You know what? The other guy might have been in that picture, but.

He was in the forest. So so they're out there for nine months. Fun. And the guy finally spills it. He finally says what he did because he thinks this guy's his bro. So he got arrested. Then word came. He comes back.

He finds out that Mammy's operation not worked. Not worked. So she's spread to both lungs. She's terminal. It's in my lungs. So Mammy and little Viola, their daughter returned from Missouri and aunt was sent to care for her as well. Okay.

And then she died in Charlie's arms. Oh, yeah. That's sad. The aunt then. Bobo's lady died. The aunt then begged to take Viola to take his daughter and he was like, well, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

So he'd let the aunt take his daughter. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, he didn't know what to do with her because he's like, how do I do this? How do you do a daughter? So he said goodbye to his daughter and then miracle of miracles. He got smallpox again, which is impossible, but he says he did.

Okay. It's impossible. So yeah, you can't get smallpox twice. So either he didn't have it the first time and he had something else that was really bad or he got it this time. This time it sounds like he had smallpox. Okay. Perhaps it was a similar type of virus.

I don't know. But. Mediumpox. It wasn't good. I've always heard that a person couldn't take smallpox more than once, but I know better now. He broke out with sores, head to foot and quote, swelled up like a Chicago alderman. Uh-huh.

So I guess. They're bloated. Local Chicago politicians are bloated. Okay. A doctor came to check on him and said he'd be dead in the morning. Thanks for coming by. Enough medical mumbo jumbo doc. What is it?

You're dead. You're gonna die. You're dead. You're dead. You're fucked. You're fucked. Do you know what fucked is? What are my chances?

You're fucked. You're like, you're fucked. There's no chance. You're gone. Any experimental procedures you want to use on me? Just get out. You smell. It's awful.

I think I'm going to be one of those ones that prayer does it for. How are you even talking? It's horrible. It burns because I have the pox on my tongue. I don't like you. Quote I was swelled up like. Can I get another round of ice? Quote I was swelled up like a barrel and every inch of my body even to the soles of my feet

in the inside of my throat was covered with sores. Oh my God. In lying so long on my back these sores have become calloused but on undertaking to turn over onto the fresh sores so as to try to get up I would scream with pain and fall over on my back again. Towards morning I could hardly get my breath and I was suffering the torments of hell. Then for the first time I realized the satisfaction of being buried by loving hands and having flowers strewn on our graves and when my cry was over my teeth were set and I made it my

mind not to die. I was determined to fight off death with all the energy left in me. Wow. And when the doctor came the next morning he was still alive. Jesus. We already booked the bed. He'd beaten the fever and he was safe. Wow.

And then he decided he liked New Mexico. He's like I actually like this place. Sure. It takes smallpox to appreciate it. Yeah it really does. They said that's their slogan. Yeah. And so this is where he said he wanted to build a home and in 1891 Charlie was assigned

to go undercover as a miner in Coeur d'Alene which is in Idaho. It's like the top part of Idaho. Yeah. Beautiful. So where they keep the white supremacists. Trouble with the miners. Am I right? Yeah.

Okay. There's a lot of pump there. Trouble with the miners was brewing up there right and this is where my family is at that time. Okay. And the owners, mine owners wanted to get a spy inside the union there having trouble with Charlie refused because his quote sympathy was with the labor organizations as against capital.

Sure. So he's one of these calming types. Weirdo. His boss came back a month later and said pretty please and Charlie was like okay I mean how many more else is going to guy have. All right. The Coeur d'Alene area had a few mining camps. The toughest one.

So the toughest place is Gem which is a city now a ghost town up there and it is Gem Idaho that's where Charlie went about 500 miners working three mines only the mine superintendent knew who Charlie was. Everyone else did not know. Okay. He joined the Gem miners union and soon was elected recording secretary of the union because who wants that fucking job? Recording secretary.

Yeah. Writing everything out of the day. I thought he made the album for the group. And then he got himself fired from the mine on purpose so he could have more time for spying and he just told all the other union guys that he had a rich dad to send him money. Okay. Do you see any problem with that plan? Well he's trying to infiltrate.

Well if you're a miner why would you have a rich dad who would send you money? Why are you there in the fucking first place? I mean yeah in my head it was like he was trying it like he was like a rich boy it was like well it didn't take it turns out my hands don't like a callus. Anyway I forgot I'll just sit here and buy the boys beer when they come by. So he joins this union group he joins these dudes who are bad union guys I guess that's what he says. Okay.

Anyway here's some Idaho miners that's what they look like. So they... Yeah one dude's got a hell of a pipe. So they were threatening men who wouldn't join the union right? Okay. If it didn't work threatening them they would form a mob to scare the shit out of the scab and sometimes a dozen scabs their wives and kids would be driven out all at once of the town.

Okay. And they would shoot guns over their head as they left. Nice. They'd call making a point. Right. Yeah we still make that point. Charlie found the leaders of the Coeur d'Alene Unions to be quote a vicious heartless gang of anarchists.

Okay. This caused Charlie to change his mind about miners unions. Okay. So he regularly sent reports to the Pinkerton Agency. Charlie also bought a building in town and started a small store with a Miss Kate Shipley who had a five year old boy. Charlie lived in the room upstairs. She lived in the room downstairs.

Mm-hmm. There's nothing happening. Hey I'm just saying sometimes it's late. I get you. Aw girl. Things happen. He built the fence out back. Parts move.

Built the tall fence out back and left one board loose just in case there was trouble. Nice. And in the spring of 1892 a strike was declared throughout the region. The miners were closed for business and Charlie learned the unions had picked the worst men in the unions to scare the shit out of the scabs. Scabs rarely then would venture away from the mine. That's where they lived. Their quarters were at the mine.

They stayed at the mine. Okay. But when they did they were basically beating the shit out of almost to death. Okay. So Charlie recorded everything discussed in the union meetings and some members began to suspect Charlie might be a Pinkerton. One warned him to leave town or he'd be killed. So Charlie didn't leave.

He kept his gun and his bowie knife close. Plus he's got that fence loop. He's got the fence. Never forget about and do not forget about the fence. The best defense is a hole in the fence. Fence plan. Yeah. That's the whole time he's thinking.

I got this. I got this. Fence gate. You got fence hole. Gate gate. And the two scabs at the gem mine were going to be murdered and he went to warn them. So they're at a saloon in the town or something. He goes to warn them but then he gets out and sees you from the future mister.

He sees a big crowd is formed in the street and old shoemaker Robinson told them to get out quick. Okay. But the crowd saw Charlie and circled around him and then he had to be pulled out his gun and he slowly backed across the street pointing his gun at everybody and then he went into the building that he lives in. Okay. But he still wanted to warn the two scab guys.

So he climbed. He goes up to his room and he climbed down an emergency ladder. He kept out back and then he went through his loose fence board. Nice. So it does work. Plans fucking coming together. It's like listening to an episode of Miami Vice or something. Absolutely.

Yeah. And he crawled through a swamp to the river and then he crawled on his stomach past two guards on the bridge and he finally warned the superintendent and then they sent men down to get the scabs but they had already had the ship beat at them. They're still alive. Oh, that's cool. But they... That's a fun story.

I bet he's glad he did all that. Quote, one of them was beaten almost into a jelly. Oh my God. What the... What just... There are sometimes where things are set on this podcast that I just cannot... You can't... Jelly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you had any bread, it's fine. Did you guys hear? Dan got made into a jam. Oh, toast. Is there toast?

Oh, look at the preserves. Those are pieces of bone. Oh, that's Bob. Yeah. Wow. Yes. He is delicious. Well, Bob sort of took into a more hummus form.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. Hi. Oh. Hey. That was me. I came from out of my throat. He was beaten almost into a jelly.

His jaw and several ribs... Jesus. ...were broken. In fact, he lost all resemblance to a human being... Oh my God. ...except in shape. Oh my God. Dave, no.

His face was one mass of bruised and bloody flesh. Okay. That sounds like Trump. Charlie stayed in the store that night. Obviously, I wouldn't leave my place at that point either. No. Mrs. Shipley learned the mob was going to start it up again before daylight. There were now over a thousand union men who had come from all over the district and

they were in town and they were ready to riot. Three hundred armed guards and non-union miners were at the mines. Charlie was then positively ID'd by Black Jack Griffith. He was one of the guys who had blown up the two mine owners while they were sleeping on the mattresses. Oh, okay. Oh. So he ID's.

Right. He was that guy's a Pinkerton. So then 50 men waited outside the store with rifles. Uh-oh. It's jelly time. Yeah. It's jelly. Charlie went to Mrs. Shipley's room and sawed a hole in the floor.

I mean, he's real old-timey. He is not a cartoon. We established that he isn't animated. Yeah, he's definitely not. Okay. He's definitely real. He's a real person. Okay.

Although there is a one coming up later where he has a hole and he takes it off a tree and he throws it on the ground and he goes, Oh, wait a minute. But that's an old escape. It does sound Buster Keaton-y. It's an old escape plan. I left a hole in the fence. So he said goodbye to Mrs. Shipley and then he dropped down out of the room and she pulled

the trunk over the hole and then what? So then the miners blew up the Frisco Mill, right there. And they headed down to Burn. Their plan was to Burn Charlie at the stake to make an example of Pinkerton's. Right. Okay. He was still hiding under the store. Okay.

I heard the mob rush in. Oh my God. And then he crawled out and under the wooden sidewalks. He's just inglorious bastards like he's living that existence. So he just crawls under the wooden sidewalks all the way to the edge of the town. What? Is that? What?

Nobody else is thinking that? I don't know what it's called, like a water flute or chute or whatever it is or the water slide? No. That's not a water slide. Please? It's like a water slide. It's very much like a water slide.

Is it one? First water slide? Have you seen the Apple Dumpling Gang? I'm going to go. So he's in that and he goes down that and guys shoot at him. Did they get a picture of his face when he was at the end? Did he goodbye at the shop? And then he gets out and he runs across 200 yards of open land to the gem mine.

Okay. And then those guys, what's going on? Okay. They were in the, it turns out that he'd found out that the miners were going to take a train car and roll it from up above the mine down to the mine to try to blow it up. And then he somehow made a thing that would direct it in another way. So he spoiled that plan. Like Superman.

He flew around the earth to the reverse time. And then, yeah, he flew back. Yeah. And then they really wanted to kill him. So him and another guy, they also wanted to kill, ran up the hill and ran away and went to Spokane, Washington. Okay. That's a good story.

Yeah. No, it's normal. Yeah. It's what it was like back then. Yeah. So then the government came in, all court of law was put under martial law. Charlie was appointed a U.S. Deputy Marshal and he supervised soldiers on a roundup of union men.

They put 300 union men in a temporary wooden prison. Charlie became a star witness against all the leaders. The trial lasted four weeks, eight team are convicted, but he regretted working against some because he was like, I like, I still like union guys. Okay. But he never forgave the unions for what happened in Idaho. Charlie also did not believe in their cause. Now, here's the deal.

The miners were demanding shorter hours and that everyone received 300, 300, $3.50 a day for everyone. Okay. Quote, the same wages as skilled miners. So he was basically like, that's fucked up, they want guys who aren't skilled miners to also make the same amount of money as them. Right. He wants to scale.

He wants to scale. And the miners are like, everyone should get paid for their fucking time. Time is money. Why can't everybody have the same value for their time? And Charlie was like, no, you have a skill, you should get paid more fucking animals. Charlie's world is worse. So he ended up afterwards going to Denver. He had a bunch of money from the job had been a year over a year.

So he had a bunch of money saved up and then Miss Sharpling wrote and said that they burned down the store. Oh, that's cool. So he was at three grand. Fine. It's all falling apart. At 38, he met a new lady in 1893, Lily Thomas. She's 21.

Okay. So he's moving up. Yeah. No, he's at a legal age. That's right. He's a son. Three years later. What's quickly for him in an hour?

Maybe five days. Okay. And then the marriage was over as soon as the kid was born. Sure. Charlie was then offered a supervisor position by the Pinkerton Agency, but he turned it down. Quote, I knew my conscience would not allow me to act as a superintendent of the agency in a big city where so much dirty would be expected of me.

Yet he works for them and does fucking dirty. He's all. Can we stop saying dirty like that? He's all fucking dirty. Stop it. Bro. No, no, no. Is there dirt happening?

No. Here's a picture of a blown up mine if you want to see that. Sure. Yeah. It's just what I'd imagine. Right. So. That's a lot of retirement would.

So the Colorado. That's pension pine. Colorado mind strikes happen, which we've talked about in another episode of the dollop. Yeah. In Colorado. Yeah. Unlike the court of law situation, Charlie didn't feel good about infiltrating striking coal miners to inform on them.

He wrote, I considered their cause a just one as men who take their lives into their own hands every time they enter a coal mine should be paid double the money which they received. Therefore, I hated to report their threats against the greedy corporation, which treated them as slaves, but he did. Nice. He really. I mean, is he just fooling himself?

Yeah, I think he's just fucking. He just says that he's literally he's the guy throughout history who like takes the orders at my lie and kills the Vietnamese. Right. I feel bad. Oh, terrible. My heart goes out to you. Now let me get your hearts out of you.

In 1904, Charlie bought a Russian wolfhound puppy. He named it Jimmy Long Legs. Hi, you're a dog and I'm going to call you Jimmy Long Legs. That's not it, but that's what they look like. That's a good looking dog. Oh, yeah. Real Jimmy Long Legs. Um, well, because.

Like a lassy hot dog foot. So it has long legs. You can see how it got the name. Yeah. But after the dog. It was Harry Humpless Camel. After the dog ate a whole duck in front of him, he changed his name to eat him up Jake. Oh my God, wait.

So it went from Long Legs, Jimmy, and then the dog ate a whole duck and he became eat him up Jake. Yeah. Okay. Hey, that long legs Jimmy. No, I changed his name because he ate a whole duck. Eat him up Jake. Yeah.

Charlie's daughter Viola graduated from college and spent two weeks at Charlie's Ranch. Get to know each other. Hi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Blah blah blah. This is Ian Hump Jake.

Charlie's mom was living in Kansas at the 1904 Old Settlers meeting in Caldwell, Kansas. She got the prize for the quote lady having been a widow greatest number of years. Boy, that's a, it's just nice to be nominated. It went to Bridget Syringo. Her 49 years of widowhood earned her $5. That's awesome. Isn't that great? What an honor.

I mean, this story has a happy ending. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. In 1906, Charlie went back to Coeur d'Alene. Some of the union leaders he had betrayed were on trial for the murder of the ex-governor of Ohio. The Pickertons were involved in catching the men and guarding duties during the trial.

All the men were acquitted though. Charlie thought the agency didn't do as much as they could have to win the case quote. The Pickertons just grafted the state of Ohio out of thousands of dollars by putting extra operatives to work on the case where there was none, no need. The fucking Pickertons are the first awful American corporation. It sounds like. That's great. Nice to be first.

Just fucking grafting and taking money everywhere. After the trial, Charlie resigned for the Pickerton agency. He went to live at his ranch in Santa Fe, New Mexico. He was done. But he had what he called a dark blot on his conscience from working against the coal miners in Colorado. Okay. Not against the other guys, but the coal miners.

Sure. Yeah. Quote, these men and their families are treated as slaves by the greedy corporations who own the mines. I know it to be a fact that the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company and the Victor Fuel Company of Colorado virtually own the sheriffs and other court officials in the southern part of the state. So I guess I, like this kind of guy, that's the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company, but this

kind of. Gorgeous. Yeah. So he, now he feels bad because he's looking at his life and he's like, oh, I fucked over tons of working men. Right. So I don't. Like fucking.

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's what you're allowed to. That's that's the easy way to do it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. The hard way.

Death bed conscience. The hard way is to go find another job and not do that. Yeah. I was the CEO of the Colorado Fuel and Iron Quote. I became personally acquainted with the president of the company, Mr. Kepler and he told me. I actually have a group of elves that I don't want to. I'm starting a couple of businesses, but this is the one I'm focused on now. But I have opening another factory in a tree, let's say.

Wait, you're opening a factory in a tree. Doesn't sound like the space would accommodate. But believe me, it's plenty. I'm not sure I understand anything. I probably have said too much, but I'm excited. Elves? Do you like biscuits with fudge? Mr. Keebler told me that the secret of his company

is elves. In Downing the Unions was the mixing of nationalities in the coal camps. Hello. That the unions cannot hold peoples from different countries together into a solid mass. Right, yeah, that is true. You know that thing when people say they're evil,

they're doing this thing on purpose. It's a master plan. It's actually what they were doing. You're the people who say it. Charlie married again in 1907 and divorced again in 1909. Okay. I just left, I just went through that one fast. Sure, yeah.

His mom came to live with him, but then she died in 1911. In 1913, at 58 years old, Charlie reunited with Helen Partain. She was the widow of a rancher he had worked for 40 years before. Okay. They were married in Hot Springs, Arkansas, and the wedding got a front page headline.

Quote, old couple is married here. Great, well, I wanna read more. That's for sure, read more. Old couple married here. Eat them up, Jake, devour us again. Here's older Charlie. Yeah, hello, Silver Fox with a silver pistol. The article said, quote,

the groom led a life of adventure and the bride is pretty for one of 51 years of age. Now, it's crazy when people say that there's a double standard, because I think that's pretty clear that everybody's held to the, you know, you're just judging people in the same. He's had a great life and my God,

her face isn't horrible. Well, this man's had quite an adventurous life and you gotta see the legs on the dame. They moved to Santa Fe, the marriage lasted less than a year. Nice. Too clear as conscious. Is this the man who invented divorce?

Yeah, too clear as conscious, Charlie started writing books again. Okay. He wrote. Had to marry eight women quick. He wrote Pinkerton's Detective Cowboy, which, here we go. Hmm.

It's about his time with the agency. The Pinkerton sued him to stop the publication and tied him up in court for two years. He was eventually able to publish it, but he had to change the name and the title became, you can see the title down there. The Cowboy Detective, a true story of 22 years with a world famous detective agency

giving the inside facts of the bloody, cordyling labor rights and the many ups and downs of the author throughout the United States, Alaska, British Columbia and old Mexico. Also exciting scenes among the Moonshiners of Kentucky and Virginia. Anyway, that's the title. That's a working title.

No, that's the title. That's what I'm going with. It's catchy. Is it too short? Yeah, it is. I'm just gonna be honest. Yeah, it is. It's not enough, right?

It's too short. Okay. It's too short. What about also married a bunch? I think you want it even more. Dog owner. How about this? The dog owner.

Dog wheat owner of dog, eat them up. Formally long leg Jerry, eat them up, Jake. Duck eater. Duck eater. Yeah. Dog. Had smallpox in my throat one time. Hard to swallow.

A double, double, double smallpox guy. My wife died of making things plural. Right? Anyway, that's the title. All right, great. I think it's good. The legal fight almost bankrupted him with a book but he was not deterred.

He wrote another book, Two Evil Isms. Pinkertonism and Anarchism by a Cowboy Detective Who Knows. Yeah, the Cowboy Detective. I guess I didn't get that one. Hey, it's all right. Oh, there's more. Sorry. Two Evil Isms, Pinkertonism and Anarchism

by a Cowboy Detective Who Knows as he spent 22 years of the inner circle of Pinkerton's National Detective Agency. What's up with the titles? Honestly, just unable to. You want to, I catch her. You want to, I catch her. I know what's inside, right?

You want to get them, read the cover. They'll have read the first chapter. Like these are, some of these are shorter than a trailer to a movie. But for sure. But it's the same sort of idea. Right, okay, great.

Pinkerton sued him about this book, the second book and won. So Charlie was forced to turn over all copies but then he just printed it himself. Sure. Pinkerton tried to steal or buy up all the copies of the book or destroy them. The agency tried to have Charlie prosecuted for libel

but the New Mexico governor denied his extradition. From 1916 to 1918, Charlie worked as a ranger for New Mexico helping catch cattle wrestlers. He wrote and published more books, some autobiographical, one about Billy the Kid. He became known as an author, right? So he's like the first Western author. Nice.

Pinkerton agency kept intimidating publishers to halt his publication so he didn't make very much money. At some point he wrote a fan letter to actor William Hart who was a big fan. He was a big silent movie guy. He was like the Western star of silent movies. Hart responded as he'd heard of Charlie through his writings and the two men became friends and in 1922,

Charlie came down with bronchitis. Health and financial problems forced him to leave Santa Fe. He moved to San Diego to live with his daughter and now 14 year old granddaughter and they nursed him back to health and then he moved to Los Angeles where William Hart became an actor. Yep.

No. Got work as a consultant on at least one Western movie and gave him bit parts in movies to earn some hidden money. Wow. He hung out in a tavern called The Watering Hole which was a favorite hangout for actors. Charlie died at his son LaRoy's house in Altadena, California on October 18th, 1928.

Which is right next door, aren't they? So are you him? I'm him. That's the end of the story. I am Charlie Seringo. I knew it. And I've been infiltrating the dollop for over four years. You're Pinkerton.

Yeah. And I've been sending reports to Pinkerton. About me? And you're a fucking socialist? What? Call me. No. Piece of shit.

Uh-uh. And I love money. I love money. This actually does sound like you. That's how you sound. Oh look, there's another picture of him with the dog. Oh, eat him up Jake. Eat him up Jake.

Eat him up Jake. Eat him up Jake. Wow. All right. And we have ourselves the first Donnie Brasco. Yeah. Is that the title? I mean, but I mean.

I learned a lot about storage wars. But these fucking people who go through, who are in history who do evil deeds and then feel bad about it and write a book and go fuck themselves. Don't do the fucking evil deeds. We don't even get books anymore. Yeah, that's true.

We're past the apology part. Yeah. But yeah, I think that, yeah. I don't give a shit that you feel bad that you did that. No, you need to have a moral compass in the moment. You know what? Yeah. And the penguins were animals.

I love you. I love you. What are you doing to your eyes? I'm making a baby, I think. Oh my God. Is this how you do it? No. You rub your eyes?

No. Oh, many. I'm not sure about biology. Okay, this has gone on long enough. Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Anything else to say? Any wrap ups?

Check out dolloppodcast.com. All right, thanks everybody. We'll see you. I miss you already. See you next time soon.