The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 339 - John Wesley Powell (Live in SLC)

Episode Date: August 11, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Wil Anderson live in Salt Lake City to examine John Wesley Powell and his trip down the Grand Canyon. Tour Dates Sources Official Dollop Merch

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Hi! Glasses where? Mike Brighter? Listener? What? Of Manchester Orchestra? That's the best one for sure. Name Anthony! Greatest story from American history to his friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Now Gareth, ladies and gentlemen, we have a guest. You're gonna love this elder. He is. This is our first little person. He's poor. Falsized. We brought him from another country. We brought him from Russia. Ladies and gentlemen, our favorite Russian comedian. Will Anderson! It's pretty exciting to be here. Thank you so much. It's my first time in Salt Lake City. I've been here for three hours. I've seen it all. It's great. Cheesecake Factory? Cheesecake Factory. There was a line outside at 5. You guys get down at that back. Stick, I was in. Don't be racist.

Don't be racist. Don't be racist. We do not have the up and stay guys in Australia. That is a racist thing to say. It's not from Australia. In Australia the chocolate's under, from down under, means you need to see a doctor. You have diarrhea. Go and see a doctor. That's what chocolate's under, down under. Don't put it on your fucking venue. I'm gonna do an impression that you like the beat. It's your whole country. I must make you homesick. March 24th, 1834. This is just another ad guys. Relax. This is for John Smith Johnson. Go ahead. John Wesley Powell. John Powell. Known as Wes. His name. Keck, sure. He was born in Mount Morris, New York. He was the fourth of eight children. Only one of them died. Right now, right? So they were religious. His father Joseph was a strict Methodist preacher. Sure. Best kind. He lived in Jackson, Ohio in 1838. And Joseph published an anti-slavery pamphlet.

So his wife then decided it was not safe for Wes to go to school. Okay. Because of the controversial stance. Because yeah, the guy made an anti-slavery pamphlet. So he's like, you know, we all have in all of us. If your parents were against slavery, you got beat up in school. Did that not happen in Australia? Oh, no, no, no. We still have it. So, fuck you, you racist. We don't. We never fucking had it. That's the difference. That was the job. Fuck you. Oh, did they still have it? Oh, we got rid of it. Now we feel good. No, we never had it. We can't tell what you have. You're saying you don't have blue man onions if you're not sure what's happening. We've been misled. Our history's been mis-taught.

But yeah. So a neighbor tutored him, and the neighbor was a self-taught naturalist, and he assisted in the first geological survey of Ohio. Okay. That's been fucking exciting. He was a self-taught naturalist? Yeah, you go outside and go, that's a bird. And he's just like looking at a cactus, like there we go. That's okay. Oh, hold on. Yep, it's sharp. This bird is a sharp bird.

And he'd be like, that's brass. And he'd be like, you're good at this. And he'd be like, go on. A self-taught naturalist. Yeah, okay. He'd take off his pants. And he'd be like, this is super natural. What is it? I wasn't thinking of nudists.

Oh, okay. West became interested in the same things as his tutor. Eight years later, the palace moved to Wisconsin. Yeah. We did. And they took up farming. Well, you don't have many options. See that are bowling, pro-voller?

Right, you'd either join the PBA or you'd farm, yeah. Just walking around, you know, what do you know for sure? Yeah, I agree. But Joseph, his father, Joseph, felt like he wasn't useful on the farm. And he had to go spread the word to God. Okay. So he just left the family. Joseph left the family.

Dad. Dad left the family. He was like, I gotta do God stuff. And then they were like, how do we eat? He's like, yeah. I'll talk to him when I see him. Maybe he'll send you some bounty. So now West has to work on the farm.

Okay. And then he went into the sheep business. Sure. Awesome. He's hoping to get raised enough money to pay for college, which I think we all heard. Yeah. He'll try to get into the sheep business to pay for a Yale. Yeah.

That was the 1800s student loan. Yeah. Like a Pell Grant. Exactly. But his dad found out, his dad found out about the sheep business and was furious. What? Yeah. No boy of mine.

He said debts, the debts that he had incurred in the business were dishonorable. He got, he incurred a lot of debt from the sheep business? Yeah. He took a loan to buy a sheep. So he'd get sheep. How is he going to get sheep? They're not sheep. I don't mind a couple of those.

You know what I mean? It's a reaction. I like reactions. There's one with the old town grits. They either didn't like the joke or someone bred a sheep with a cow. And I was just like, boo. The sheep go, bah, the cow go, boo. And he's like, I can't explain them all.

It's a pretty great joke if you run it down and think about it and then come back to it. Boo, bah, boo, boo. Anyway, go on. His father said that his course in the matter was not a bit better than highway robbery. What? So don't take loans, man. Okay. Jesus.

So I split the sheep business and started traveling to study nature. Okay. Wow. So he was super the freshwater mollusks. Oh, man, look at them. Oh, you don't need salt? Look at that muscle. It's a shellfish.

It's a shell animal. Whoa, freshwater mollusks. Hey, what are you doing? I wasn't going to fuck it. What? What? You can fuck away from my mollusks. What are you talking about?

Those are my mollusks. I wasn't doing anything. You were going to get your dick out. I was going to try to save it, you idiot. Oh, my God. I don't have time to walk you through this. But for the last time, I wasn't going to have sex with your mollusks. I mean, they're freshwater.

I'm not even turned on by that. I mean, she hasn't done me such a shellfish. We're killing it with that animal kingdom puns. What's going to hit here? He's in a mollusks. Okay. I mean, how does that happen? There's got to be a first on the dollop.

We found a guy in a mollusks. It's just very strange. Everybody has a thing. It's strange. So we got a boat. We rode the entire Mississippi River. Okay. Just checking out mollusks.

Just really eye fucking the mollusks. And the Ohio River. Oh, please. So he's just in the Illinois River. Boy, boy. And the Des Moines River. Good Lord. And a ton of other smaller streams all alone.

He did this all alone. Just a dude. What's the shit? Check it out. It's mollusks. This is a weird, totally weird mollusk. Normal guy. Totally.

I'm sure you had a lot of friends. On the way, he made other natural history and geology scholars. Because you're out there looking at mollusks. And another dude rolls it up. And you're like, hey. Right. No, it's like a chat room. Yeah.

Yeah. So mollusks chat room. So he made a bunch of connections. And then what he was like... Made a bunch of connections. And set their network. Yeah. For sure.

Yeah. It's a mollusk network. Yeah. It's a bunch of favorite muscle. Kind of muscle. Oh, man. Mollusks. I've never been with one, though, I swear.

I'm just saying I haven't had sex with any of them. Why is that? You guys have these eyes. And they keep saying that you're insinuating that I've been inside of the mollusks. And I have a knot. No one seemed to be talking about that. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Sure I would love to. Okay. My God. This day and age. Thinking of maids out there trying to bang mollusks. I have better stuff to do, pal. Okay?

You know what I'm saying again. I don't know myself in college, but she. What do a lot of people do? Yeah. Are they into me? Did you hear that there's a deep heart shell? It's the whole thing. Do you like that bifoth?

Yeah, it's important. No women have that. Well, I'm going to disagree. What's a woman? So he made these connections and he was elected secretary of the Illinois Natural History Society. Okay. One day he passed through a town in Illinois holding a basket with some glass jars in it. Okay.

And a group of men asked what he was doing. Okay. You can imagine that. And he said he needed another rattlesnake for his collection and then he walked off into the woods. What? Say something different. I love jam.

I'm into preserves. Good to meet you boys. But he came back later that day, he walked past the same man and he had a rattlesnake in one of the jars. Okay. And they were like, holy fuck. And so this got written up in the local papers. First.

Don't you miss the times when this was a news story? The man gets rattlesnake. Headline, muscle fucker captures rattlesnakes. No, I wish they had said that. I was very clear to that reporter. I'm not into having sex with them. I mean, I do it. Who hasn't thought about it?

Who hasn't put a little yarn wig on a mollusk and called it Sally? My God. I'll tell you as me, you probably do. Okay, just me, but still. So that led to a story about Wes standing equated with the homes of all the animals, knew their habits, and could at any time find any animal he wanted. Look how great his ambitious. What if you're like Jack Byer?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Wes, I'm going to need a bigger jar though. Yeah. I'm going to figure he's like the guy who says you can get every animal. Yeah. And like, you can get enough animals and he checks out most of the time.

He's like, what do you mean? I can get any animal. It's almost like a Jaguar. And he's like, out the back, you know, like three cats there. There you go, a 300 Jaguar. Wes enlisted when the Civil War started, but he just worked on engineering projects. In 1861, General Graham was very impressed with his work. During the war, Wes married his half-cousin, Emma Dean.

Chappans, you're half-cousin. Is that what you taught me? Yeah. Well, by the way, that's half not a cousin, so I think you're looking at it a little pessimistically. Like, I like to say, hey, I'm married half of a person that isn't my cousin. That's pretty awesome. I'm going to reread this. Okay.

During the war, Wes married his half-not cousin, Emma Dean. Yeah, well, that's not a word about that. That's more day and night half. Yeah, yeah. So after that, she traveled with him during the war, so she went rain wet. Was she in a jar too? She was like, Wes, where's the lady? That's my mollusk.

No, stop calling me that. Quiet mollusk. He was wounded on April 6, 1862, and he had his right arm amputated. Shit. Okay, that's going to make it hard to catch any animal. That brags over. Yeah, yeah. He remained in the army, though.

Mrs. Powell was permitted to be her husband's right arm. What? What? So they wonder why being in that situation, it's like a theater sports situation. So they battle. I'm like this all the time. There's nothing wrong at all. I love it.

They're like, we finally found a use for the woman. He was discharged January 1865 at the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. And then he started going out west to explore Colorado and other areas in the west. But he really, really wanted to explore the Grand Canyon. Okay. That was his dream. Quote, world at once I have been warned by the Indians not to enter the canyon. They consider it a disobedience to the gods and contempt for their authority.

And believe that it would surely bring upon me the gods wrath. So he decided. Head over there. They don't want me to do what I'm in. Honey, we're going to have to climb down it. You'll obviously be stable to my back. It'll be my right arm. These aims in scientific societies gave money for the expedition.

In spring 1869 he organized a party in the group where West's brother Walker, who was a tough frontierman, Jack Sumner, Billy Hawkins, who had a quote, shady reputation. Okay, sure. William Dunn, brother's oral and Seneca howlin. Okay. 18 year old Andy Hall who had spent years already roaming the west. Okay. 18.

Sure. Class of 18 year old. I got my GED. Sergeant George Bradley joined them in a fort out west. And finally there was Frank Goodman, who was a young Englishman who was so excited to join that he paid west to let him come. Oh, that's the sad guy. My friend was so much worse.

We had a great time. Here's that payment to be my friend. Gosh, we're tight. Gosh, we're mates. Gosh, I'm having the best time. I'm with the best mates. Do you have the money? Yes.

Sorry, of course. Here you are. Now say you're my best mate. What are you? Come on. It's good going. Shit. Like faulty towers.

Sorry. I like faulty towers. Well, what? We're in the 1800s, my man. Yeah. We've come so much and come in, best friend. Let's make a handshake. Oops, sorry.

That's not toucher. Look at each other. Oh, a silent friendship. Best friends in America don't talk. Well, that's different when I come from a main vessel chum. Gosh, I love you best mates. God, we're the best of friends. I love my best friend, Wes.

This is why I only talk to mollusks. God of mollusks, too. No, sir. It's a bridge too far. All right, that's it. You've really gone over the mollusk. Boy, this friendship's taken a weird bend, hasn't it? It was your weird friend over there.

I'm the other 11 guys staring around watching this happen. Well, that's what it felt like from here. So they had four wood boats, 21 feet long, and they were built and shipped by the railroads. They took rations for 10 months. Okay, seems sufficient. Sure, hey. They thought it would take three months.

They had three dozen tarps. They had axes, hammers, saws, and other tools for scientific work. They had four chronometers and a bunch of barometers, thermometers, compasses, other stuff. Sure. They can't have prepared to leave from Green River City, Wyoming. No! No, which is interesting.

No! While they were there, can't be a strange man approached. Hello. He'd been authorized by the former secretary-award to take command of the expedition. What is that? That's a great statement. 11 guys with four boats and 10 months of rations are gone.

I think I can fucking lame this shit. I'm in charge now, so... Hi, my name's Danny Ocean. We're going to sail these in Las Vegas, and Robert can get to the scene. What the fuck is this guy? He's in charge, didn't he hear? He said so.

Oh, he said so? Yeah! Oh, then he's in charge? Yeah! So they asked him how he was in charge, and he showed them official-looking letters to prove it. Look, I got a bunch of envelopes. This is my gang now.

He's out riding on them. Oh, my history checks out. Uh, so Wes is not there at the time, so the man led the strange guys stay. Okay. And they fed him. What? And then they loaned him money.

What? This is like a mod-wise situation. So, uh, thanks for the chicken. That was great. Uh, just being in charge, I wonder if you guys can loan me about $800. Is that a thing that could happen? Absolutely, boss. All I ask in return is your friendship.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her best friends, right? Yeah. Her friends. A little more best friends. Don't do that. Gosh. Wes is going to be heartbroken when he returns.

He's my ex-best friend. He means nothing to me. Don't worry. I've only got hours for you, mate. Don't do that. All right. You're making me not want to be in charge of the expedition. All right, then.

This is a problem where I push it. So after a little while later, Wes came back. Hey, I need to change. And the guy, there's a guy there, and he's like, I'm in charge. He gave me a bunch of money, too. And then they were like, he's got letters. And so he showed Wes the letters.

Here you go. Quote, one look at the so-called authorizing letter showed them to be nothing more than polite wishes for success. These are fortunes. They're fortune cookies. Good luck, chum. I'm in charge. Man, he's got the good luck chum letter, so.

So Wes told the guy to leave. Okay. He had a good run, though. He got food and money. Is that the end of that guy? That guy just drops in and just has an amazing day. It's a coop. It's an explorer coop.

Yeah. A half-day coop. Yeah. Nice. It's so rare. On May 24th, 1869, the townspeople watched the expedition party head out. The swift current carried them off.

After a mile or so, they ran into a sand barn. So they could probably still see. The townspeople could be like, oh, God, it's so morbid. They're already trapped. They're eating one of them. One of them has been eaten already. People. We're stuck.

How do we get a push? No, we're just, we just said bye. Can you walk away then? No. No. Because what are you going to do? We're going to have to take our way out. No, I mean, what are you going to do to stop us watching?

Look, there's a guy over there with limits. Oh, my God. There's a leader, a natural born leader. He's got a handful of papers. That doesn't mean anything. Oh, okay. Good talk. Huh?

Good talk. Okay. Okay, we're going to get the books out of the sand barn, I guess. Oh, yeah, you are. Oh, man. It's getting dark. Yeah. If you would help us, we would have been gone.

We said bye already. It would be too emotional. You guys aren't really doing it. Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's hard. It looks terrible. Are you going to go in?

It's dark now. You're making it too far. You seem so pissed. Great river city can go fuck itself. They're getting so pissed. What's that guy doing to a ballast? So after they hit this sand bar, they got out of the boats, they got them in a stream,

and they lightened the boats up and took some stuff out. When they tried to avoid a rock, after they got back in the river, an ore broke, and then two men fell overboard, and the other guys laughed at them. So that's good times. So this is about, what, 35 minutes into the journey? If that.

Okay. So it might be like 10 minutes in. They kept heading downstream and camped for lunch. West pound? We're going to have some lunch. All right, let's see some of these rations. Ten runs by ass. You remember when I fell over in the boat?

No, right? Who were the worst at that? Oh my God, we're all going to die. What? Nothing. So when they set up camp, West Powell refused to eat with them, and he sat apart from the other men,

and then cooked Billy Hawkins with bringing his food. Wow, so he's got a real diva and attitude. They went to bed early because most of them had been drinking for the several nights in a row, and they'll lead up to the trip. Sure. And then they kept heading down the river the next day. They were trying to buy beer at the sand bar.

I'll give you a good guess. They tried. They tried. Five days in, they hit their first rapids. Oh good. Oh good. Quote, I stand upon the deck of my boat to see a wave among the rocks.

Such moments are filled with intense anxiety. Soon our boats reach the swift current, and we thread the narrow passage with exhilarating philosophy mounting the high lives whose foam crest dashed over us until we reached the quiet water below, and then comes a feeling of great relief. As this was our first experience with canyon rapids,

we called it Canyon of the Rapids. Nice. So creative back then. Yeah. I mean, you didn't need to be. You couldn't do that, right? You couldn't take it at that point. You could literally just call a band the band.

There was a band called the band. No, it's fine, because there was only like three bands. And that's fine back then. You could just go, that thing's called orange. It's an orange. It's orange. It's beautiful. You're an orange now.

Yeah, he's right. Band. We're the band. Nice. Nice. Did you come up with that? Genius. So the river, the river got more treacherous as they went on.

Soon we entered another canyon in the gray rocks. The canyon wheels back upon itself, and it's in the form of an elongated letter U, we not name it, or shoot canyon. Wow. Yeah. Because U Canyon had already been taken by the group. They would meet Native Americans along the way,

who would say they would never ride the rapids. Okay. And on they went. Sure. Smart. Yep. Yep. They would not trust the locals.

No. No. Why would you? You're white. You've got this. You've got something knowledge doesn't have. White. I mean, why stop believing them now?

You didn't believe it when they said, this is how it works. Yeah. This belongs to them. Oh, you guys say a bunch of shit. Come back when you're white, I'll tell you. Well, we know what was good for us. Look at our skin.

West Powell on June 9th, quote, I hear a shout. I'm looking around and see one of the boats shooting down the center of the river. The boat goes over the first falls, only 10 or 12 feet. Only just 10 or 12 feet. Sure. But below the river, the tumble's down again for 40 or 50 feet,

and the channel filled with dangerous rocks that break the waves into whirlpools. I see the boat strike rock, green, and open the compartment, and the open compartment fills with water. Two of the men lose their oars, the boat swings around and strikes another rock with great force, and it's broken in two, and the men are thrown into the river. I see a man's head above the water, washed it out,

and a whirlpool below a great rock. OK. And we call that breaking boat kill length. So Frank Goodman, the Englishman, is clinging to a rock, and if you let go... I'll pay you to be my friend, Rock! I love rock! It's an anime, and I can't be your friend.

And I've given it everything! Captain Allen pulled Frank out with a pole. Clearly, it was getting more dangerous. They found this drain in the boat's storage compartment down the river, and thought it was too dangerous to try to save what was inside. This meant they would lose a cargo of rations, instruments, and clothing.

OK. The Braumers were needed for determining elevation. Sure. Some tells me a little food will become very important. Huh? Yeah. So they have three boats, right? Now they have three.

Now they have three. And they're down a quarter of their rations. Yep. OK, well, hold on. The next day, Pal decided, fuck it, he was going to go for the Braumers. OK. So some of them volunteered to make the attempt,

quote, they come up with the Braumers, and now the boys set up a shout, and I join them. Please, they should be as glad to save the instruments as myself. OK. They also salvaged a three-gallon keg of whiskey. Oh, that's good.

You guys don't give a shit about barometers, huh? It turns out that the men, what the members shouting about was not Braumers, was the whiskey. Les didn't even know they had brought whiskey in there. Keg. A keg of whiskey. What's in that keg?

Also a spare barometer. Yeah, or a barometer juice. You need it to make sure they're good. Let me fill them. So they continued down the river. That night, George Bradley wrote, quote, Pal, as usual, has chosen the worst camping ground possible. If I had a dog that would lie where my bed is made tonight,

I would kill him and burn his collar and swear I never owed him. OK, easy, pal. If I kill him, it's a diary entry. It's not time to talk about burning dog bodies. Wow. I mean, it isn't like the campground. Still, that's like a very mid-Romney way of expressing what you want to do.

I hate this campground so much, I kill and eat a dog and make a blanket out of it. Mid-Romney. And then imagine if this guy had Twitter. I think I can. What? Do you know what Mid-Romney did? He took a vacation and he tied the dog to the roof of his car.

What? Yeah, no, no, no. Come on. He's gonna be the next senator. Hold on. Will. No, no, no. He just put the dog in a carrier out of the roof

and then drove. Yeah. Hang on. So that's the decision-making we're after. He likes it. The dog likes it. What? It's air.

Dogs love air. They do? Yeah. How far was the trip? No, a couple hours. It's funny that there's that moment where he says who let the dogs out in that racially charged moment and yet he's comfortable putting dogs on roofs of cars.

What's even cooler is that he told people, thinking that was normal. I'm a psychopath. There you go. Fuck me. I thought that was a joke. No, it is a joke. It happened. That's the sort of leadership we are now pining for.

We're now like, please God, give us the dog trailer. You wanted the good ones. Please. I hope it was a super room. So needless to say, this dog analogy meant that Bradley did not like Powell's decision. Sure. Or dogs. Or dogs.

Yeah. Can you run me through the analogy one more time? Yeah. I got distracted by Mitt Romney and I forgot the original analogy. How, as usual, has chosen the worst camping ground possible. If I had a dog that would lie where my bed is made tonight, I would kill him and burn his collar and swear I never owned him. So the bed's so bad that if his dog lay there, he would so disrespect the dog

that the dog would have to dog. And then he'd deny it. I never owned him. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, it's a pretty good one. Just a dead-burden dog. And then there were nobs. He goes, oh, he doesn't like that stupid thing.

It's a bad camping. It's not great. Have you thought about an air mattress? Casper. Casper. Alright, let me calm down. We're getting the Casper. Bradley.

I like my Casper mattress so much I did not have to kill my dog. Casper mattress. The only mattress that'll make you happy to not kill your dog at night owning it. We will send you 120 dogs and if you don't kill one of them. If you return all dogs within 30 days. Hey man, there's a dog ghost in my mattress. Yeah, that's supposed to be there. Okay, never mind.

Thank you. Alright, take care. They kept having to try and rations because the rations would get wet during the day. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Bradley, quote, it is none of my business yet. If we fail, it will be from lack of judgment and if we succeed, it will be from dumb luck. That's a good place to be.

Sort of a motto. Can we have the guy who just came with the letters back to lead us? It's also the new motto for America. I don't know what you're talking about. On June 16th they made camp. A strong wind blew and the cook's fire spread to nearby dead willows and cedars. Soon there was a large raging fire. What are you cooking?

Everything. Wow. They grabbed everything that they could in their hands and ran for the boats as flames blew all around them. Cool. That's great. Crap, never wrong that I can't. Quote, the cook filled his arms with the mess kit and jumping into the boat, stumbled and fell, and away go our cooking utensils into the river.

Ah, cook. You're closing down, cook. I've got the cooking pots in the sake of the world. I love all succumb. Oh, slastic, slastic, oh, my ladles. Oh, right back, I cannot tell you a town. A town, what if I co-trip? A three month tour.

Might be longer. Our plates are gone, our spoons are gone, our knives and forks are gone. My handkerchief was burned that I had tied around my neck and my ears and face are scorched. A handkerchief thing is a little weak. Last time I lost my handkerchief. Nothing to dry my eyes with. My vids are gone, my survey ads as well. After the fire was over, I don't know what that means.

I'm noticing the fire just being over, but after the fire, okay, boys, it's over. Well, no, but this is when fires used to stop. It's a different era. After the fire was over, they went to try to salvage what the cook had lost. They now only had one gold tan for making bread. The golden plate? It's not the same ones, you guys. One big oven with a broken lid, one camp kettle, one frying pan, one large spoon and two teaspoons.

First of all, three tin plates and five bailing cups, one pickaxe and one shovel. That's funny, that's funny. Yeah, you just got to have like a sign up sheet for the spoon. The big spoon and a sign up sheet. All right, who's next? The spoon's up. The spoon is for you. Who wants to eat the beans?

Well, I'm not eating beans with the spoon. What do you have? Well, I only have one. My friend's not here. So this is for 10 men. The cook now used the shovel as a spoon. So he's uncle bucking it? Stirring it.

Stirring it. How do you guys like your soup? Let me just shovel a little into you, huh? I love that this story is already so weird. I forgot that he only had one. Like enough stuff has happened since then. And I forgot the whole time. Like how the fuck's he even tying the handkerchief around his neck?

That's really hard with one hand. That's why he was so heartbroken. He's like, I just got a good knot on it too. It's been a month. It's been like, give me a hand? Well, I don't know. My wife's not here. I mean, do you have that kind of arrangement?

No, ma'am, it's my voice. Or a fella can touch your handkerchief? Yeah, you can touch my handker buddy. Handker buddy? You know, in my tent, I got a whole collection of mollusks. I've heard. Good night, mollusks. I've heard you turned them into this much.

Have you ever seen a... Have you ever seen a five-thousand? What? What? Five-thousand. Five-thousand? That's right. No?

Come on over. Well, every fiver of me says that this would be a bad decision, but... You're awful persuasive. Sip. Sip. For what? These mollusks are all dead. They're all mashed up.

Hi. Oh my gosh. That's a five-out. There comes out the back. So back to the cook. Back to the cook who's cooking with a shovel. The cook is using... The shovel's a scrum quote, and the pig's acting.

And the pig acts to clean his teeth after ourselves. What sort of psychotic behavior? What? There's just... You don't... What? No, you've never had to floss that bad. Also, the teeth attention is terrible.

Hey, normal! I shouldn't have had that apple. You're gonna regret not flossing. The faithful cook, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. Oh my god. You guys want to use this as a toothpick? Anybody else?

It's good. It gets all the stuff out from between your teeth. No, all your teeth are out. Oh god. Oh, you're right. That's just my gums now. Yeah. It feels like a lava.

On June 18th, Bradley and one armed West Powell climbed up the side of a canyon to map the area. Got very steep, and at the summit, West began to have problems. I've only gotten the one, you see. Well, I find I cannot get up any further and cannot step back, for I dare not let go with my hand and cannot reach any footholds. He called out to Bradley for help. Oh my god, this is real cliffhanger.

Hand me that toothpick! Never mind, never mind. It's just fucking weird. Can I be honest? The stuff is really weird. West quote, it occurs to Bradley to take off his pants. I know what I'll do. I'll masturbate.

This is a weird, this is a weird time for this, but I think you should see my butt hole. I'll help you out if you tell me if this mole looks discolored. That's not a mole. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Pants. Incoming. Sorry.

I apologize to everyone. Now you take your pants off. We'll tie our weeders together. And Liz, a better idea emerges shortly. Just a first pitch. Figured I'd get the ball rolling with some out of the box I'd dance. I'm going to go back and tie the weeders together. It just feels like that was the winner.

That's good. Yeah, is it about the weeder plan? Yep. Okay, shoot. Looks fucking hard. Well, I'm kind of counting on you not to be a little professional about this. But our weeders are touching it all the time together. Yeah, it's for business, freak.

I know, but who might have to be a camping? What kind of, what? And now they tie their weeders together and the scouting movement was born. It's a very fast ball catch. It's a fast one. It's a fast one. There's the catch. Fast and the catch.

So, he takes off his pants and slings them down to me. I hugged my knees off. Are you at 38? That's great on you. I hugged close to the rock and let go with my hand. What? Seize the dangling legs of the pants. And with his assistance, I'm able to reach the top.

Is this just like a G-crew ad or something? Okay, so the plant pan, the path. Plant plan worked. Wow, yeah, that is a serious wow. What, the other guy? In the US, no one had heard anything from the expedition since they had left Green River City and newspapers began to report the entire expedition had drowned. Well, we haven't heard anything, so they must be dead.

Because they haven't called us on a phone. We've had a bunch of layoffs of tea, so what else are we going to assume? And to what? That's like, they ran into us and bought what we could still say to them. So we assume, by now, they are definitely dead. Alina had one arm to start with. Things are fucking to go well. And he was the best climber of the bunch?

I was piling. I'm sorry I didn't have to tell you, but we did find two wieners tied together. Oh, no. That's one of the places? You can take a look at one of them. Oh, it's too soon. You actually can't get him apart, but... Oh, that's Wes, alright.

That's his wiener, alright. Just found it at the base of the cliff. Next to a pair of pants. Are there molluscs nearby? Yeah, a whole lot of molluscs. That's my Wes, alright. I'm sorry. No, I don't think he was the right one for me.

He just kept me around to be an honor. He wouldn't ask me to be a shellfish. God damn it, don't move. Look, he just opened up a little bit. Food filters. Snap it shut! That's us. That's my dad heart!

Snap it shut in his t-shirt. So, everyone's reporting that they drowned. An Omaha paper wrote that one William Riley had met the only survivor, Jack Sumner, who had told him the details of what had happened. Jack had watched helplessly from the shore as all the boats were destroyed and the rabbits and the men died. He was just watching?

Yeah. Cool dude. The guy named John Riston told the Chicago Tribune that he was the only survivor of the party. Oh, yeah. Okay. He had a list of all the men at the party. Oh, sure, he had a handful of letters.

That's everything. Including 15 extra guys who are not on the trip. Quote, the men aboard shellage me. Goodbye, Jack. You will never see us again. For two hours, I lay on the bank of the river, crying like a baby. So Jack's just out of his mind.

The Tribune, quote, the fate of Major Powell's expedition is left without a doubt and another name is added to the long list of martyrs to science. Sure. Science martyrs. That's a good group. Did you imagine a time when just such bullshit would end up in the paper and just out there just as actual facts?

You know, we're just like some weirdo just as a bunch of dumb shit that's full of lies and then it's just publicly reported and then you read it and absorb it as fact. It's been crazy. In the 1800s. It's been a crazy time. No, seriously, you put a dog on top of his car. It was like going on a ski trip.

Right. Yeah. Oh, she likes it up there. She's purring. It was a ski trip, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, the dog had a little ski expedition on the road. I don't do the snow.

Dogs love cold wind. Oh, he's a hypothermic. No, they're fine. They love it. The next day, the Detroit press printed a letter from Mrs. Powell who said that the story was bullshit. John Risen had never been part of the expedition. Plus, she had a letter from her husband.

Dated a few days after Risen said it would have drowned. Three days later, the Chicago Tribune pointed out all the problems with the survivor story, which they printed three days before. Retractions were invented. What we did was bullshit. Goodbye. Thank you for reading. On June 28th, outside of the go, 40 miles up a tributary river

to an Indian reservation hoping to replenish supplies. Sure. No, that's definitely cool. On June 30th, they passed through hollow domes. If they spoke, they heard their own voices echoed back. Was this the first time this has happened? Quote, we named it Echo Park. Hey, that's my neighborhood.

Yeah, that's where you live. Yeah, we used to. Yeah. Pal went to the tribe, or do you live in Echo Park? I also went to the tribe, but it was not impressed with the way they were living. Okay. Quote.

Have you thought of being white? Excuse me. Have you just taken everything? You're not living? What are you doing? You're like intense and running around? Look at that. They're caring for one another.

We built cities and then made children ask for change. We had three spoons. Small was big. And I walked over the best two pigs in the land. I tied my wiener to his. They are still occupying lodges and refused to build houses. Fools. Since when anyone dies in a lodge, it is always abandoned

and very often burned with all the belongings of the deceased. And when houses have been built for them, they've been treated in the same way. Okay. So they have a tradition to burn in a place where someone has died and all their stuff is in a way to go moving on. Yeah. So when you build a house, it's a lodging place for them to not take. It's a place where that person lives.

Right. He cannot fathom it. He's like, why would you burn all your possessions when you can have a drunk chef stumble off a boat and make him fall into the river? Right. Much better. That's the point I'm making.

Yeah. The men are now having problems with Powell's leadership. What? Why? I don't know. Then Dan accidentally dropped Powell's gold watch into the river. Was it one of these, like, whoopsies? Oh, sorry, Powell.

Sorry. Sorry, bud. Sorry. Sorry, not sorry. I just invented something. Sorry, not sorry. Sorry, not sorry. Sorry, not sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you used to wear on your other arm anyway, because... Sorry, not sorry. But you made a watch boy. You've only got one arm. Sorry. Not sorry.

So the watch was ruined. What? They didn't have waterproof watches, baby? Crazy. Powell demanded that Dan either leave the expedition or give him $30 compensation. That should be close to $900 today. Okay.

And... You used to complain too much for expensive watches. Movement watches. Oh, sorry, wrong contacts. What about not bringing an expensive watch on the river trip? Yes. Powell's brother, Walter, said if done were drowned, it would be no loss.

So they're taking the watch thing home. Yeah. Serious business. The other guys in the party thought that comment was bullshit. Okay. Hawkins announced he would not bring West dinner to him anymore. Whoa. Oh, yep, shit's getting weird.

Powell wrote that the men had reached a state of mutiny. On July 5th, the Englishman who had paid to tag along decided to leave. I've decided you're not my best friend. Despite all the money I've given you, I think best friends are something you make. Not payable. Farewell.

See? I can't swim. I've just been out of the country. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All right. So he's gone. It's only for a molester, girl. What?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. On July 6th, they stopped at a Frontierman's garden who had told them if they were ever in the neighborhood, they should help themselves to his garden. He was like, that didn't mean it. It was in bad shape because no one was pretending to it. No one was out there. Right.

So they decided to just eat the tops of the potato plants, potato plants, which look nice and green. Did you say the potatoes look nice and green? Yeah, just the top. The top of the plants are the top, all right. Tears are under grain. Well, one after another, the party has taken sick. What's wrong, David?

Living like Matt Damon in the Martian? Nasha's first then severe vomiting. We tumble around under the trees, groaning with pain. In the middle of the afternoon, we were rid of the pain. Jack Sumner records in his diary, quote, potato tops are not good greens in early July. Oh, man, sure. I've finally written something in my journal.

I loved it, even though he was, like, hideously stinky as God, better do a yonk with you. The river became worse as they continued on. On July 11th, an oar broke, and another one was lost in a rabbit. Those are important. And they hit more rabbits and tried to reach land, but they couldn't because they didn't have oars. Right, again, important.

The waves flipped the boats over, everyone clung to the sides. We're also blankets, two guns, and a barometer were tossed out. Jesus. What do they have at this point? Just the spoon? Yeah, a little bit. Like a few plates and a spoon? Some stuff.

And a toothless chef with a picket? A toothless chef. They are essentially rowing a boat with a big spoon on one side and two teaspoons on the other side. Even here! And Les just got the one arm. A couple of quotes. From now on, we may sleep cold.

The setup camp waited for Lars to drift by and grab one to make new wars. They grabbed it with a log? Yeah. Okay, that made us convenient. The chef was sent to go out. But it was not a great place to camp. That night, hurricane force winds blew

and they could not find shelter. The winds blew all night, blowing piles of sand over there. West Pallage, late eighth quote. The days spent in spreading our rations which we find are badly injured. The flour has been wet and dried so many times that it is all musty

and full of hard lumps. Yummy. It's nice. It's like a local flour. Oh, absolutely. It's a musty too. A good sandy flour. We make a strain out of mosquito netting

and run our flour through it losing more than 200 pounds in the process. Our losses leave us with more than two month supplies. And they started with 10 months? Yeah. And now they have two months? Yeah. I mean, that's not like a month.

It's like a month and a half. It's quite a while. Okay. Now they started back out three days later. Lots of rapids and close succession. One boat took on water. The crew was thrown into the river and three oars were lost.

They finally got out and camped on the rocks with hardly any room to lie down. They found driftwood and built more oars. Now the boats are continually leaking so they had to stop and constantly call them. Okay. And once not, five of the men tried to climb a cliff to get a look down river

but they had to turn back except Powell. Someone throw me a wiener! They had to turn back except the guy with one arm. Yeah. Pellets climbed out and climbed up canyon walls. Quote, I climbed up the walls in a crevice. I support myself by pressing my back against the one wall and my knees against the other.

And in this way, there's my body in a shuffling manner a few inches at a time until I have made it up. But he should not be giving, this is not, like he's not successfully climbing. It's not time to impart wisdom. He keeps getting caught on the rocks. Well, he's making it up. He made it far the other guys.

And the whole time he was like, I'm a hitchworm. You're the one who's got access to the facts, so I guess so. At the top, he looked down and the river looked even more dangerous. Bad news! Bad news! We're going on!

Back on the river, they went to Jesus. That day, Jack killed the sheep and they were able to eat well for a bit. Fish were not biting at all on their hooks because there were so many bugs for them to eat. They were now heading down into what they called the great unknown.

It was day 47, and they were pushing into the Grand Canyon. They had a month's ration left. Jesus! They had to reset the flour and the spoiled bacon was dried. Now here's something I'm a little confused about. How are they just now drying the bacon? And what was going on?

Was the bacon just to get in the boat? What's going on with the bacon? Is the bacon just laying around? Yeah. Is bacon... No, you definitely, if you're starving, bacon should take precedence over sifting the flour.

Is bacon cured to the point that you can carry it around in the wilderness? I think I'll insert from my gut and see if I can find anything over here. Yes? Where you just... It is. You can actually just take bacon out.

You can just go travel with bacon. You can have road bacon. I think we're talking about an older bacon. You cured it after you... Can we talk about Kevin bacon? So you can just roll around with uncured bacon in your back pocket and you'll be okay.

He's softened. He's softened and then you can carry it around. Gotcha. But then it tastes like shit, but I guess it keeps you alive. Sometimes you're going to reach out to the audience and ask about bacon. How many podcasts do that?

Does Joe Rogan do that? No? Joe Rogan is not. He doesn't even help. He's different. Yeah, he killed his own pig first and then he salted it himself and then he talked about

how are the AIDS things that he kills himself. Yeah. This is... I grabbed this stimuli and rock salt in my own hands to cure this elk meat that I killed with a bone arrow. I got out of the cryo freeze and I bowed an arrow at a pig

and I put it in the cryo freeze and I salted it at Joe Rogan. Tune in. There's only nine and a half hours left of today's podcast. I mean, I'm a provocative thinker but I have some uncomfortable truths.

Some of my ideas might not date that well. Anyway, he's around the rat. Anyway, I'll do me half the podcast, Joe. Shut up. So now that a month of rations left, the flour was resifted, the spoiled bacon was dried,

all the 15 pounds left, the sugar melted and disappeared into the room. A man like Mr. Water, it was like being a Wonka's factory. Yeah! I want to go back in! Put the boat over! But they did have tons of coffee.

Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, it's great. Just all the fucking jacked up and freaked out. I mean, I fucking love that nothing's changed in this country. Either they had a whiskey, bacon and fucking coffee. That's it. Whiskey, bacon, coffee and a dream. That's enough.

We don't need ours. I'll just stand on the back and pull my finger with my... We don't need a plan. We don't need ours. We don't even need an arm. We got bacon salt in the vision. The next day, the walls of the canyon suddenly became very narrow. Quote, we named this narrow canyon.

What? So this is sort of the invention of marketing, too. Because it's genius. The next day on the river, again, they encountered a limestone canyon. It looked polished like marble. Polished canyon! It looked like a marble canyon. A marble canyon.

The party became more unhappy. Bradley, quote, if Powell does not do something soon, I fear the consequences. But he is contented and seems to think that biscuits made of sour and musty flour and a few dried apples is ample to sustain a laboring man. If he can only study geology, he will be happy without food or shelter. But the rest of us are not to an alarming extent. Wow, okay, so... They ran 50 miles of continuous white water in two hours and then stopped.

Powell climbed up to survey. Bad news. But up ahead was hellish white water. The rocks were jagged and they were black and gnawed at the weakening boats. As they neared them, it was a sound like nothing they'd ever heard. They were now dealing with 15-foot waves. Wow, wooden boats. Wooden boats.

Their bodies were weak from the lack of food quality food and they made more and more mistakes. The spread of the sour biscuits weren't enough. Bradley quote, the cook spread out all the rations to dry and was making oars when the tied-up boat was swung around by the heady and the rope caught the box of baking soda and threw it all into the river. So now we must eat unleavened bread for the rest of the trip. They had 10 months of rations. The cook's a fuck up.

Oh, the cook isn't loaded. Cook's like fuckin' Jack Tripper from Three's Company just dropping shit everywhere. The next day, a pal wrote the rations were spoiling. The bacon was thrown out. The flour rule lasted just 10 days. Still, plenty of coffee. There's a hunger suppressant, so that's good. They would now have to move fast and if they were delayed, they'd have to abandon the expedition

in Headford, nearby Mormon Mountains. Woo! We'll take our chances. I have one arm and I mean it when I say it. Let's swim for it. I really... And now all the browners were broken. Not the one for how badly this is going.

Nothing's inside. The next day, it rained like a monsoon. Shit. The canvas was now rotted and useless. Their rubber ponchos had been lost. No one had a full set of clothing. No one had a blanket. Half of them did not have hats.

Oh my god. Look. We can make hats out of our hands. Puss. Puss. Yes. Obviously, I'm not going to push back on a perfect plan. They must know.

I like that a lot. Let's kill the chef. I like that kind of fancy gourmet hat he has. Oh fuck, I want to change the plan. I want to change the plan. What do you want? I think the guys without hats should live. Wait, but I have a hat.

Kill the guys without hats and take their hats. Oh no, we're about to do a hat for you. No hat? Yeah. Oh no, this is going to be like beaded. Hat. Massacre. Darn.

So they lost their hats. They lost their minds. Powell said that they were now getting more exhausted by the night than by the days on the river. We didn't have our sleeping caps either, so. They kept on. They opened their last sack of flour. They took the sack into hats.

Let's make flour hats. Machete. So when I put the flour on my head, it just falls off. I don't think we can make hats out of the flour. Who said that? I think it was kind of a group decision. It's a bad one, because now we can't eat and we don't have hats. But we were so close to having edible hats.

You have to see the upside. But we're going to die. Well, we were going to die the whole time. You've been as much as I thought. The fault loss to you dies with an edible hat. That's all we wanted. Edible hats. I swear, if I make it out of here, I will invent edible hats.

And that man invented edible arrangements. What's the point of flowers if you can't eat them? Edible arrangements. Edible arrangements. Give her a melon rose. Tell her she likes to eat. Edible arrangements. How did this happen?

Edible arrangements. What in the fuck is wrong with America? Edible arrangements. We are ready to be wiped off of Earth. Edible arrangements. So they made it 35 miles the next day. And we're actually starting to have hope they made it through. Well, that was foolish.

But then they saw black granite. That was a sign that hellish rapids were ahead. The sound of these rapids made the others pale in comparison. They stopped to look at the rapids. Bradley quote. The spectacle is appalling. They looked for a way to carry their boats around, but it wasn't possible. And then we're not happy.

Bradley quote. I was content in the camp tonight, and I fear some of the party will take to the mountains, but I hope not. This is the darkest day of the trip. After dinner, Captain Howland spoke to Powell, saying that they should abandon the river and walk to a Mormon settlement. Howland is younger brother, and when done, plan to walk away from the river tomorrow regardless. In the morning, Powell woke Powell and showed him there was a Mormon settlement 75 miles away. They had breakfast together in silence. Quote, the meal is as solemn as a funeral.

Yeah, you're just chewing flour. Because everyone's morning flour. Sour biscuits. After they gave... River bacon! After they gave the three men two riggles and a shotgun and offered a fair share of rations for the men didn't think they'd have a problem finding food. Oh yeah. I mean, what are you doing?

What are those guys? Now we're just going to walk out of the desert. It should be full of food. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Still, Billy left him a pan of biscuits. The men in the boats also took out fossils, minerals, and some ammunition and left them on the rocks. They wanted to head down these rapids as light as possible. Powell wrote a letter to his wife.

He gave it to Howland. The summoner gave Howland his watch to give to his sister. There were two separate records of the expedition, duplicates, for backup. They accidentally gave Howland both copies. Now, here is a book of the journal and a very similar one. And we will keep the other. Okie dokie. The duplicates.

Sure. You take those ones and look the same. Absolutely. So they just sent letters to their wives, they're like, well, here we are, here's the, oh my god. The three men begged them not to go down the river, saying it was madness and they would never get through. They all started to cry. Further dehydrating. Further dehydrating, also just tired.

It's really sad, but it's awesome. It's so predictable. But it's also the best because when you hear about like the great adventurers, like they're always told to as they're like, hey, there's heroes and they're just sliding across. You never really hear about them. They're just weeping by a river for hours. Okie dokie. Okie dokie.

Okie dokie. I can't believe we went out there. Okie dokie. No, shut up. We're fucked. Okie dokie. Oh shit. Like this?

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Why do we feel problematic to be inside, just inside? Oh my god. I'm missing my pants. Oh shit. Three days of bacon it wasn't very good.

I'm just being... Anyway, the one-eyed guy is definitely fucking momma's. It is definitely a clam dive I was so dismentioned that I could not rock it. One bit. I was good to cry. I was good. I was good to cry. I was good to cry.

I was good to cry. Oh, this salt. Oh, no, if we cried too much in the river we'd kill the mollusks by turning in progression to salty. Oh, man, would it be weird if we tied our coats together? No. No. No. What did you say again?

What did you say again? What did you say again? I don't know, we're all just black. What did you say? We said we should tie our, tie our weeners to each other's weeners. Like it's a group? Yeah. Yeah, they get them like a fucking sprinkler.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sad. I'm sad. Let's do that. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do that. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll walk like that to the boards and settle them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, the old woman said, oh my God, I feel better. Yeah. We are now brother husbands. Yeah.

All right, now that our emotions are back in check, who knows how to undo a knot like this? I just don't pull it. It's not a bow. God damn it. It's good. My dad was a gay sailor. Wait, what?

He was a gay sailor. So he was a sailor. Yes. What did I say? Fair enough. Um, quote is a rather solemn warning. Each party thinks the other is taking a dangerous course. Sure.

George Bradley quote, they loved us with good feelings though we deeply regret their loss or they are as fine fellows as I have ever had the good fortune to meet. The six got into the boats. They rode until the wrappers were too large and then just held on. Luckily, neither flipped over and they made it through. Wow. The three were watching a boat from a cliff. So the men in the boats waved up at the men on the cliff signaling that they made it through

and that they should join them. So they had to back up boat in case, but the three men turned away and locked off. Okay. Smile. Powell named this separation point. Wait, what? Separation point. Powell named it separation point.

Now he's making shit for this thing. Now why is his name Ty Weiner Meadow? Poor decision canyon. They were now in it, going through terrifying rapids, falls, whirlpools and big waves. At one point, a boat was thrown 30 feet into the air. Nice. Now it's at a point break. He's not coming back.

Eventually a huge wave went over them. Then a huge wave hit and rolled over them. Somehow Bradley got the boat right side up and they scrambled back and it went on like this for a day. But the next day it got easier and the river passed out of the black granite. And hours later, on August 29th, the cliffs dropped away and they entered a valley they knew to be Grand Wash. It was over. They were ecstatic. Oh my God.

They started heading out and came across a Native American camp. Almost all of them ran off except one man, a woman and two kids. The man was wearing a hat and the woman only had a string of beads. They were like, would it? What's up? What's going on down here at this end of the river? Look at that guy's awesome hat. So jealous.

If you were all thinking the same thing, what would it be like to get inside that hat? Fucking great hat, man. Athas don't have hats. Ridiculous. I know how to tie that. The wiener? You guys know wiener knots? The Native Americans asked for tobacco.

The men didn't have any so they gave them a little piece of colored soap. There you go. This is sort of like tobacco. Well we do actually have this coffee. We got a bunch of coffee. We drink a bunch of coffee in like 30 days. We don't have big coffee at this point. So actually we don't have what you're asking for but we do have this little black bar.

So plus we have coffee. I don't know if I mentioned that. We got regular coffee. We got another coffee. We got a bunch of coffee. And we lost everything we had to eat. None of us have eaten. We tied our wieners together.

We used to pick up one arm. A bunch of the guys died. The chef used to pick extra tool. And now that we have a bunch of coffee, it's great. They say coffee at lunch or rather one of the things we'll take coffee? They're thinking coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee. There's a strap.

There's a strap. There's a strap right around that. I don't like that coffee. Even though they gave me the soap, the Native Americans wouldn't give up any info about settlements or other Native camps. But we gave you black soap. Be fair. Be reasonable.

A little while later they found three Mormon men and a Native American calling a fishnet. The men knew about the expedition and said the party had been reported lost a long time ago. A few weeks before a messenger had been sent with instructions to look for any pieces of boat or anything else floating downstream. They'll look for boat. A piece of boat or like a big end, stuff like that. Whatever.

A sign. Yeah. I found some pieces of boat. I found like 19 o'o'clock. A lot of spoons. So many more. They took him to a cab and cooked him a bunch of food. A bishop from a settlement 20 miles away came with supplies.

He had two or three dozen melons. We ate the melons till morning. Jesus, relax, bro. Jesus, relax. Could you shape it like a flower? No. No. No.

No. That may split up. What a great sound that is. Oh, yeah. Just imagine that dancing melon. May I have another one of your melons? I realize I made it through this whole trip, but I'm going to fucking kill myself. It's 3 a.m. Stop eating melons.

Oh, yeah. I'm not closing your mouth. What about that? It's ripping all over me. I'll need a bath drawn. So they split up Powell's brother headed for the settlement of St. George and then to Salt Lake City. The four others kept on going down. They were to scout for mining and trapping areas.

They were considering going all the way to Los Angeles. Actors, right? Yeah. Trying to get an acting editor. I wanted to tell this story. We got a great story. It's called Weiner Propel. Salt Lake City, quote, treated Powell like a conquering hero come home from the front,

dragging him with garlands of praise and glory. The evening news wrote that not many men learned what people thought of them after they were supposed to be dead. Powell then went home and on a lecture tour of the East Coast. He described the trip as, quote, pain and glue and terror. And then a few months later, he decided to do it again. The trip or the treasure? Taking the same route. What?

Through the rapids and the canyons. This time he would take two or three years. Man, I love that. He's just like one of those guys that gets back from war. You can't really read Justice Society because he's speaking to her and he's like, it was the worst time of my life. And then he's like, fuck it. I'm going back. I'm doing it.

Yes, yes. Speed two on a boat. He's like, no honey, I love you. I tell you I love you. I just want to be up where my mom was dying all the time. You call that pain and hell. Yeah. Yeah.

But living with you ain't anything. It was a rocky danger field bit. It was pain as hell. I didn't know what I was going to do except go for another tour rather than stay with my wife for another hour. It was pain. It was hell. I couldn't believe it. But enough about my marriage.

Hey, don't lie to me, I'm mostly harmless. They set up supplies every one or 200 miles long. So they put like eight years of supplies on them? That's that. Well they would just set them up so they had people set them up before they went down. Okay. Congress gave them $20,000. He studied up on local tribes and he was off.

So they're out there and they came across a remote tribe and they offered them food. There was pipe smoking ceremony. Stories were told. Powell told them about the world. The chief told the story a year before three white men had come to the village. Starved and exhausted. Oh my God. The tribe fed them?

Uh-huh. They put them to Mormon settlements nearby. But then just after the white men left, a native from a nearby tribe came and said three whites had killed an Indian woman. The tribe assumed the men had done it. They pursued, ambushed, and quote, filled them full of arrows. That was the end of the Howlin Brothers and William Dunn. William was done? Yeah, Dunn done.

It's like an entire Lord of Dunn. That's where I knew my name. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Powell quote, that night I slept in peace. Although these murders of my men were sleeping 500 yards away. But still pretty comfortable. The tribe named Powell Papoo Rats, which men are often.

Nice. Nice. The tribe named Powell. I thought you were a tribe named Powell, like a tribe named Cliff. We are. We're a tribe named Powell. You may legally marry Miles. I found my people.

Now explore the area and get across some Vermillion Cliffs hundreds of feet high. Hey, get up those. He named them Vermillion Cliffs. He wrote a book, a trip last three years. He wrote a book. I hate my life. The Department of Indian Affairs asked Powell to write them a report, and he said the natives understood settlement by the white man was inevitable.

Quote, nothing that remains but to remove them from the country or let them stay in their present condition. To be finally extinguished by want, loath, some disease and disasters from constant conflict with white men, they must be taught to farm, to enable them to abandon their nomadic habits. And they say that travel brought it to the mind. This is before that was invented. Travel brought it to your land.

Wow, man. That's your message on this whole thing? Yeah. He was appointed the head of the U.S. Geological Survey in 1881. In 1883, a report on lands of Arab regions of the U.S. Powell proposed irrigation systems and state boundaries based on watershed areas to avoid disagreements between states. That'll come up in about 20 years.

He said about 2% of land can be developed for agricultural use. The railroad companies do not agree with this. They lobby Congress to eject its proposals and encourage farming instead because they wanted to cash in on their lands. Congress then passed legislation encouraging Pioneer settlement of the American West. And an 1883 irrigation conference, which I love. Those are exciting. You've got to get to an irrigation conference. That's a fucking wiener time.

You get up with them tow ropes. Sweet irrigation. Have you ever made a recone? Yeah, I love it. Big. I am wet. Powell, Mark, gentlemen. You are piling up a heritage of conflict and litigation over water rights for there is not sufficient water to supply the land.

And Powell's later... You should read about Arizona. This is the New York Times Magazine this week. You're going to kill yourself. And Powell's later years, he turned to writing about philosophy, quote, few understand these later products of West Powell. He suffered a stroke and died on September 23rd, 1992. He was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Wow. Jesus. He died. That's all I was getting to the whole time. And just before Harrison Ford could find him. So... He also murdered his wife. That's his wife. I can't get that out of the movies.

Jesus. Give me an explanation, Mara. Yeah. I can't believe he went back to Shawshank to quote Chris Rock. Quite the mood. Yeah, he did it again. That's the best bit of it. He wrote a book about it.

What was the book called? Did you decide what the book was called? Sexy Mouse. I don't know if I wrote it down. I think it was probably like the exploration of the area over there. It was before the publishers were like, We'd like to call it National Lampern's Canyon Bike Edition. I didn't write it down because it was super boring.

If it was interesting, I would have written it down. Shit. Emerald Mile. The book was called The Emerald Mile? Yeah. Don't say, yeah, like that. Yeah. Yeah, you're fucking dumbass.

That's what I fucking love. She said that with power of white confidence. Well, no acknowledge would have just been called a book. So it was called The Emerald Mile. Nice. Uh-huh. You're too far back, so don't worry. She's sassy with clothes.

I don't know what you're talking about. What, that pipe ceremony sounds fun, huh? Yeah. That'll be Deborah. What's just another normal tale from, uh, Switzerland? Normal people doing respectful things. Respecting the native American tribes. What's going on with you?

You transition into an hour at stand-up? What do you guys think? Are we playing here far? Well, guys, what's going on now? Oh, Jesus, Dave! It's like a foot. It's okay. If you can't make it back, we'll tie our fingers.

Dave! Show us your penis! Yeah, see? Hey, people want to see it. I love you the best I can make possible. I'm married. You. We'll leave you tied together.

I only live without for charity, I've said that much. He's married, which is why he's going on a tour to a whole bunch of places that make no sense. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much for coming out, guys. Truly appreciate it. Love you. Mean it.

Love, Jesus.