The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 343 - Lord Gordon Gordon (Live in Minneapolis)

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Lord Gordon Gordon.   SOURCES OFFICIAL MERCH TOUR DATES

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Alright, we'll have to do it old daddy. L.D. Proud of it. Starting a lap or doodle daddy group. We meet up at the park every week. We're just at the beginning. Talk about our doodles. Nightmare. Lab or doodles. This is... Anyway you're listening to the dollar. Only all things comedy network. I am a... This is a... What? This is a... I am a guy. No.

This is a bi-weekly bilingual some play on that or once a week American History Podcast. I'm a... Nope. We've done it a lot. This is a bi-racial... Nope. This is a bi-racial American History Podcast. We're getting warmer. He's... He's... His people are from Wales and mine are from Casper. Ireland so it's bi-racial. American History Podcast. Each week I... Dakota Soul Drinker. Guy who does all the work. Shots fired.

Bike. Bike. Bicycle commuter. Great. That helps. Dave Anthony reads a story from American History to his friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. It's about... It's about love. And proper use of prepositions. Yeah. They still... I still... I get that all the time. The people with the prepositions. Well we were just sitting there just like, what should we say? We'll just say that. Yeah. Yeah.

And then that was wrong. Like everything else we do. We got bigger fish to fry than grammar right now. I disagree. Okay. 1840! It was a very up and out. He was born. He was born?

In 1840. Maybe. He was maybe born in 1840. Around 1840. Is this about wall though? We really have no idea when he was born. Who is he? His real name is unknown. What though? That's going to be hard to latch my teeth into.

But he started early on calling himself Hubert Hamilton. Okay. Interesting. That was very weird. Yeah. At most shows you would think maybe like some foods disagreeing with someone, but at our show it means they know the topic. She knows.

It is now believed that he was the illegitimate son of a Scottish clergyman and his parlor maid. You mean he and she? He? Well they had names, but I didn't put them in here because it cares. Okay. But the guy was banging his parlor maid like he did. It's just common. Right. Yeah. Sure.

Just work. So this is in Scotland. He began passing himself off as a wealthy Scottish landowner. The kid did. Hubert. Hubert, okay. He starts passing himself off. There's some good beer.

In the grain room. So he starts passing himself off as a wealthy Scottish landowner. In 1869, calling himself Lord Glen Caron. Lord Glen Caron? Caron. Lord Glen Caron. Okay. So he, right.

Okay. That's what he was going by. Right. So we've got to make Trump. Yeah. Yeah. He employed a young valet to help with the roots, right? So he's got a young valet following him around.

And now a valet in the 1840s is just bringing your suitcases and stuff, right? It's a boy. Yeah. It's a boy. Congrats. That's huge. I got the seagars. It's a boy.

He carries things and helps out with that. Right. He's not parallel parking anything. But he's like, I think, I don't know. He's probably not tall enough to dress you, but they did. I'd like him to dress me if he could. And someone should. Fuck.

That's like having a castella. Valets at this time in Scotland were also sometimes called a gentleman's tiger. Have you seen my gentleman's tiger? I'm sorry. Kiss my tiger. He's a gentleman. He's got my luggage. He's a wee one.

He's a tiny little boy. He's a tiny tiger. Tiny tiger. Tiny tiger. Tony's his name. Tiny Tony Tiger. Gentleman valet. I just made a new show.

So Lord Glencairn kept his valet, boy quote, dressed in buckskin breeches, long boots, blue coat with guilt buttons. Guilt buttons? Oh, I couldn't button them. They never shut up. Never hear the end of them. It just means gold. And he had an immense cockade upon his hat.

An immense cockade? I'm not even doing this. I'm just obviously picturing like a huge flaccid dildo. Yeah, that's what it was. Just a giant dick. My valet. The Gentleman Tiger. It's got a nice cock.

Hello? Put me there. It's heavy. It's a heavy one. He pees me to shake it. So the cockade. Uh-huh. In great...

In great Britten, Glen denoted that his master holds a commission under the sovereign. Sure. Fucking fancy thing. I have a title. Lord Glencairn started a friendship with a wealthy Scottish clergyman named Mr. Simpson. Okay. Using Simpson, he met other rich people and expanded into a larger network.

Okay. He then managed to establish credit with jewelers in Edinburgh and London. Okay. Glencairn would make his small request from people and then gain their trust. He'd make a small request? He'd make small requests from people. He'd be like, oh man, could I have a glass of water? Oh, he's a nice one.

You're the best friend. Oh, it's nice of you. Okay. Alright, interesting. Not much of a griff, but okay. He would slowly increase the size of his requests. Interesting. Once he had someone's trust, he would use them as a reference to gain the trust of other wealthy people.

Yeah. Networking. Yeah, network. Then around 1870, Lord Glencairn vanished and left behind around $100,000 in debts, which back then is fucking more. Yeah, it's like $200,000 in today's money. At least. At least, you know, around there.

Okay, so then he disappeared, but he never existed. So it's... That's right. Right. So in 1871... What about the gentleman tiger? Dead. No.

He got so attached. He'd kill him and ate him. Tiger's not bad. Shit. Shit. Shit. In 1871, the former Lord Glencairn, once known as Hubert Hamilton, appeared in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Wow.

Okay. That's right. That's you guys. You guys come in. He didn't come starving into town as a big wig. He rolled in kind of slowly and tried to act like he was trying to hide himself a bit. He acted like he was trying to act? Yeah, he wasn't trying to come in and make a big show.

He was trying to roll into town and just stay in the hotel. He's talking to someone and he suddenly let it slip out that he was the heir of the great Earl's of Gordon, cousin of the Campbell's, collateral relative of Lord Byron, descendant of the bold Olochnevar and the ancient kings of the Highlanders. Sure. Sure. Some people name drop. That just rolls off the tongue.

Yeah. Oh, me. Oh, not much. Just lamenting the fact that I've got heavy as the, heavy as the crown is there. Big good Lord, go into history. I've got, anyway, I shouldn't talk about it. I'm a prince, but, you know, it's like, I'm just tired of carrying money at hand. He was now calling himself Lord Gordon Gordon.

Lord? Uh-huh. And a bit of a double Gordon. The Gordon's are nice. They named me twice. Hello. I'm the heir to some Asian fortune. Where's me tiger?

And everyone in town pretty quickly knew that he had an income of over $1 million a year. Well, how did they know that? I mean, that's tough. Surely they can't research this made up man. He had casually mentioned it. So he, okay, interesting. It's interesting how that goes. Okay.

Casually mentioned it. Casually mentioned it to someone, and then all of a sudden everyone knew it. Oh, the people gossip. Yeah. Yeah. To make sure everyone knew that he was real, he put $40,000 in a Minneapolis bank. Okay. That's a huge deposit back then.

He's like, look. Right. Yeah. I got fucking money. Clearly. The bank back then was like, he put $40,000 in. Sure. You didn't have that sort of, they didn't take the oath back.

No, there was no, everyone was just standing on the street. Bank or client. $40,000! Yeah. This guy! Well, please stop talking about it. It doesn't define me. What does define you?

Well, everyone's wanted to write the music. There's no music. Why didn't the music start? Where's the gentleman tiger? What the hell? So, the word of the wealthy, the wealthy foreigner quickly spreads through Minnesota. Okay. So he's not exactly hiding his presence.

Gordon Gordon, what? When I wrote this, I was like, do I call him Gordon, no, I call him Gordon Gordon. How is that, like, that shows no forethought. Like, he never thought about what he was going to name himself. That's like, you know, it's like a trope in a movie. What's your name? Uh, exit, exit sign. Hello.

Gordon Gordon. That's it. Gordon twice. That'll do. Maybe the name Gordon was so great and held so much weight that he... Sure. So... He probably trailed off there.

Uh, a description of him, he's slender, about 5'10". And, quote, dressed with the greatest care, usually wearing gloves. Sure. Patent, leathers, and a silk hat. Nice, okay, sure. His hands were frequently manicured and his hair was... Well, why is he wearing these gloves? Show them off.

Gets them, gets them, gets them manicured, puts them in gloves. But who's that for? Keep them tight. Well, first... Get him out there. Let me see him. First gentleman. Give me the show.

No, no. You're spending all that time. Yeah, show me the shit. Give it to me. You stop, but he should. In a hypothetical situation. No. I'm not sure what anyone thinks he's going to do.

Um, his hair was brushed as smooth as curly hair could be. Okay. Sure. Uh, he was said to be exceedingly self-poised, calm, articulate, and very deliberate in his speech. Aren't most con men? Uh, yeah. Right.

But we don't know he's a con man. Right. He's just a guy who came to town. Sure. Yeah, a guy. Yeah. Gordon. And this is, obviously this is a bit of a rare thing in the US, particularly in Minnesota.

Uh, no offense. But he stood out like a fancy man, obviously. So he came with letters of introduction, which is what you did back then. You were all in town and you're like, Bob says I'm great. Wow. It's like, fuck it, Bob! Ah, that's better. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, that's just simple. It's just like, here, people liked me in the other place. I'm better than, uh, you'll like it. I'm an upgrade. And then you have no letters. And people are like, this thing sucks. Whoa.

Because it's hiding letters. He's like, can't even put out letters. Yeah. Like a friend resume? A friend resume would be great. A friend resume? A friend resume? Interesting.

Oh, I know Dan. He was awesome. Interesting. Okay. Well, I'll be in touch. Uh, I like what I see. I love to read. Uh, really good.

There's a lot of insight. People in Hollywood are like, oh, that makes sense. Yeah. You're dying. Um, so he had letters of introduction from famous English double men and prominent English officials. Sure. Yeah.

Well, Gordon, I mean, yeah, of course. And I'm sure these are all real for sure. Yep. Okay. Quote, he became a lion in the city. He was received on all sides with the greatest delight and deference. Okay. So he was getting invited everywhere, uh, but accepted very few invitations.

Right. Interesting. Um, they held great banquets in his honor. Okay. One of the most important people Gordon Gordon met was Colonel John S. Loomis, the land commissioner of the Northern Pacific Railroad. Okay. Loomis had sought out a wealthy newcomer, this wealthy newcomer we heard about him.

Gordon told everyone he was interested in buying up to 500,000 acres of railroad land in Minnesota if possible. Okay. So the railroad's got, you know, that much land, 500,000 acres, as I'm sure we did. Um, then he was like, I would like that. I would like to buy that. Okay. So it's enticing that he's going to buy 500,000.

I mean, it's not bad. Right. That's pretty cool. And surely that's a good amount of money. But he did put 40,000 in the bank. So he has it. I mean, he sure has it. He's good for it.

He put 40 grand in the bank. We have that. So, and he's got these letters from people that are real. Right. So, so it turns out that Lord Gordon Gordon said he wanted to resettle tenants from his overcrowded Scottish estates to Minnesota. Yeah, right. Okay.

And well, as we all know from the history of Minnesota, that happened. The great Scottish Minnesota exchange program. Yeah. All the Scots just straight up came here. And also it was very common for really rich lords to pay for people to go to other countries of Minnesota. Yeah. No, for sure.

Yeah. Instead of like, no, get the fuck off my land. We're going to build a wall. Keep the Scots on. Lift us over your bloody wall. Shit. They're hammered. They're eaten through the fucking brick, Ted.

You have bloody knays, eh? Bloody wall. Fuck, they're all, they're all for the night, but shit. We have a problem with our hands. So, he said he wanted to resettle tenants from his overcrowded Scottish estates to Minnesota. But the idea of blue, Colonel Loomis is mine. So around, guys, like, holy fuck, this is awesome. What's it got to be like when you lay on such a huge pile of bullshit and the guy's like,

whoa, that's amazing. Yeah, like, oh, this is fun. This is going to be great. Let me see my letters. This is going to be great. I have letters. I have letters. I have 40 grand.

Clearly, I'm real. I mean, how old are those? My name, my name twice. Come on. What's that to love over here? Imagine if you had a time where you just fucking rolled in and were like, yeah, here's some letters from some dudes you don't know. I'm going to buy everything.

Yeah, well, I would have no reason to run a credit check on you. You've got four letters from people. Do what you like in our fair town. The Northern Pacific Railroad at the time wanted to expand westward, but it was difficult and expensive. The company needed to raise a lot of money. Perfect timing. So the idea of a wealthy Scottish guy buying huge pots of land from the company was very,

very exciting to the top brass. Loomis saw him as Gordon as an answer to the railroad's problems. He offered to take Gordon Gordon in an excursion to different land sites. All expenses paid. Ah, interesting. Well, I suppose if you'll pick up the top of me as well. Why not? That's what they're looking for.

Of Quay. What was that? Who knows? His lordship announced he was ready to pick up lands and that this was acceptable. Unfortunately, there were no railroads taken across the state. So put together a big wagon train situation. A wagon train? That's what it was called before trains.

The wagon train. So it's just a wagon. She's not going to roll out. Not one wagon. A bunch of wagons. That's just a bunch of wagons. Fucking wagon train. Are they connected to each other?

It's called a wagon train, mother fucker. I don't want to start arguing about 1800 terms that were very common at the time. You know we both do a lot of research for this show. Are you opposed to the term horse? Is a horse an okay thing to say? Yeah, I'm fine with horse. Horse-eye? Is there a noun?

Are there a bunch? No. Yeah, yeah. Horse-eye. No, you've been a horse train. No. I'm going to do a story this way. So just how we normally record it?

So he's ready to go pick out his lands. Colonel Loomis rose to the occasion. He organized a decadent, all-expense-paid expedition through Minnesota and the Dakotas. Quote, like the excursion that of Apollodorus planned for Cleopatra. Ah, and what a journey that was. Traveling with Gordon Gordon were state officials and officers of the railway. Gordon Gordon asked that they simply refer to him as Gordon, my lord. Oh, man.

And we're going to need to stop for a new pair of trousers because my balls are enormous. I've broken through them with my guffinence. Look at that frisky Nazi. There's nothing I can do with testicles the size of bloody coconuts. We're going to need another wagon train to calculate my ghoul, isn't he? Fuck it, hey. I'm hot, baby. Feed the beast.

Shit. Plus I can make lightning. Yeah, from my toes. Fuck yeah. When he has to suck my dick the whole time, boom. And I'm adding a third fucking Gordon. I just, I just, as a con man back then, the hardest thing would have been to get him back there was no one to turn to and go fucking.

Oh, yeah. They're fucking visors. Yeah, yeah. There's no one around. You're all alone. He probably just had like a Wilson that he would just go home to and be like, I'm fucking crazy. I wish you were real.

My lord indeed. So they all, that's what they did. They called him my lord. My lord. My lord. The lads you've requested, my lord, is up here. So there's about 20 guys who worked on the journey. They took 30 or 40 horses.

Gordon, Gordon, how do you mean a train? They're called horse-eye. It's a horse-eye. Gordon Gordon was given a personal secretary as well as a valet who shaved him and wrote his letters. At different times. Go ahead and get down there, boy. Yeah.

Oh, there it is. Careful. They're big aren't they? Oh, don't cut the enormous testicles. I'm growing out herculean proportion. I'm like Pinocchio but with a scrotum. Fucking hell, look at that. So it's a Disney cult.

Is it good news or bad? It's good news, isn't it? It's a lawsuit. In a good way? No. Is it a good lawsuit or bad? It's bad. They're pretty big fans of this Pinocchio guy.

In a bad way? No. They're not really fond of the picture you painted, but the giant testicles that swell when you lie. Not fond in a bad way? Or a good way? You're hard to read. On the other hand, a vivid cult.

Uh-huh. They would like to make a pornography. You named Pinocchio? Finally. So the valet would seal Gordon Gordon's letters with wax that had the Gordon coat of arms on it? Sure. The historic banner of the Gordon's of Scotland also fluttered behind one of the wagons. Sure, that's right.

So just a flag with a pile of bullshit on it? No, it's a real. The wagons are real. It's a real. Oh, okay. Right, because you can't make a call to find out. He's got the letter. Two wall tents were set up for him each night for his exclusive use.

So he's got two tents? Sure. Yeah, one for maybes. They gave him silver in China to eat off of? Good, yeah. Fruit was brought in from Mexico. Okay. Quote, his table was like Montezuma's.

He also had, quote, 14 changes of costume. What? Like Lady Gaga? What is he? What's he? He's Elton John-ing in the... Yeah. Gotta look good, man.

You know what kind of buffalo are you running to? Fucking look hot, tight. You know what I mean? Yeah. Fucking sweet new so-cat. That's right. Yeah. All crotchless, obviously.

Yeah. Fuck. Wait, I'm flying. They're so big. Oh, okay. One wagon was packed with guns and ammunition for hunting. Another was packed with the equipment. Cost of changes for dinner.

And then there's costume changes after dinner. Yeah. After, no. Well, before or during? Before and after during. Yeah. After the appetizer change. Excuse me, I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable.

A government surveyor would gallop ahead of the group and pick out a square mileage that Lord Gordon Gordon's needs. Jesus. He's like a real housewife. Yeah. This is like how real housewives go on vacation. And nobody... And they don't...

They're good people. They don't watch that shit. Me either. I don't watch it. I just think it's a reference that works. You know, send me a stick around. We'll talk out. So Gordon Gordon nicknamed the government surveyor who galloped ahead the land taster.

Was he allowed to push back on his name? No. Against the Lord. Not really what I'm doing, though. Good. You got into a lot of ways. Lick it. Fuck it, lick it.

That's the land I'm talking about. Oh, no. Lord Gordon would pick land where he planned to build future towns or schools. Yes, schools, towns, yeah. I mean, who knows? Laboratories, Six Flags, who gives a shit? It's all an imagination land where... And then they would stamp it sold on a map.

So they're going through... Sold. Sure. That was easy. He'd pick vast areas of land across the state. He'd select locations and name several cities saying they would need to build churches and schools before the colonists arrived. Right. Yeah.

Hurry. When he was at Oak Lake, he borrowed, quote, a little change from Colonel Loomis for expenses. Well, you're not going to bloody believe this, but my card got rejected again. Yes, I'm going to buy the bloody ATM for any way. I'm not hard at that, but I could use a little walk-in-around pocket money. You mean? I'm good for it. Look at the letter.

I borrowed a loan money from this bloke, paid him back. Hmm. After three months, he was done. He had seen enough. Yeah. Lord Gordon Gordon explained he now had to go to New York to put together the money for this massive purchase. Gordon Gordon going to New York, New York. That's where Broadway is, isn't it, Dave?

So the wagon train returned to Minneapolis. The total bill for the trip came to over $45,000. Boy. Okay. I mean, that's so fucking money back there. Yeah. Well, look, see, he's got a second tent. I mean, he's got a fuck you tent.

He's got a fuck you tent. He's got a tent for his balls and a tent for him. Yeah, right. I sleep in the tiny one. Uh, Loomis said it was well worth it. He beamed, as he told the railroad directors, quote, he is the richest landlord in Europe. He will invest $5 million with us. A real Neville Chamberlain coming back. Good news!

Well, I've got great news, gentlemen. Our worries are over. Let's just say I sold and I sold and I sold. Ever heard of Lord Gordon Gordon? In January, 1872, Gordon Gordon left Minnesota taking his $40,000 out of the bank. Weird. Weird move, though, a little, right? No, no, it's fine. Okay. He's going to get more money, so he's got to take out...

Oh, so he's like Blue's brother singing. I have to sign in on the dashboard. Like, if you get a job, like, if you have money in the bank and you go and you get a job, then you take all your money out of the bank. Now, that's where you're losing me a little. That's just where I'm sort of like not following as well. But he's coming back. He's got all that infrastructure to build. He's got internships at schools. You bring the money back. Right, okay. But if you leave it in the bank...

Yeah? It's there, I guess. It's easier, is your point? No, it's got... Money has to go with you. Because I feel like banks are good at not making that a thing. No. Banks are just there for if you're around. Like, if you're near... So you give me near your money, but then if you go somewhere else, you take your money and then your money's near you there. That's the definition of a bank. It's how Wells Fargo does it, I think. No. Wells Fargo takes your money and goes, you didn't have money.

I did? We're not a bank. What are you talking about? By the way, one of their commercials now is about a train heist back in the day. They're like, imagine, that's how things used to be. It's like, yeah, Wells Fargo, we're fucking familiar with how it used to be. You fucking ask me. Imagine. The best was that they just took people's houses recently and they were like, because it was in glitch. Sorry. I too care, you know. And all of us.

I mean, it's weird how we keep doing this and no one punishes us so we keep doing it. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, they have a doll coming up. This is just so long. Jesus Christ, it's long. Okay, so it takes us 40,000. They held a good buy banquet before he left. Sure, yeah, yeah. And he was gone. He went to New York with a letter introduction from Colonel Loomis to the big man about town, Horace Greenley. Wait, so Loomis probably would have literally, would have actually written him a letter, right? Yeah, Loomis

wrote him a letter for sure. Right, that was like, he's been unbelievable. We gave him a tent for each Gordon. He's been the best. And I'm imagining a lot of the letters from England were real, too, because I remember using that. Right, so he used it when he was still con. So the Erie Railroad operated in the northeast of the United States. It originally connected New York City with Lake Erie, whichever, who wouldn't want that? Finally. It was billed with public funds raised by taxes and contracted on land donated by public officials and private developers. So it's a public deal. Taxes, right? Taxes, you buy something, it's owned by the public. Everyone's happy. Stupid. We should give that to businesses. By the middle of 1850s, it had been mismanaged and

was in a lot of debt. A rich banker, Daniel Drew, loaned $2 million to the railroad and then took control of it. He manipulated shares on the stock exchange and made more money. Then Cornelius Vanderbilt targeted the railroad for takeover and in 1866 silently bought up tons of stocks. Now he had control. So Drew put a couple of guys on the board and they tried to wrestle back control from Vanderbilt. They did this by issuing illegitimate stock. So they just made fake stock. Just gave them fake stock? So then the more stock that was being made, Vanderbilt kept buying it, even though it wasn't real. They just fucking started. They just owned nothing, a lot of nothing. One of those guys. It was the majority shareholder in bullshits. I own this shit. This is my nothing. One of the guys on the board behind this was Jay Gould. Gould and

Vanderbilt started going toe-to-toe for control of the railroad. They went up to the state government in Albany and tossed insane amounts of money at the legislature over a vote that would legalize the fraudulent issue of stock. Okay. Lobbying. Yeah, lobbying. America's like literally going up and going, here's money. Can the illegal thing I did be legal? Yes, because of the money. I really like the money and we want to use it for our own stuff. And while we're not supposed to, this is a lot of money. So we're going to take it and do stuff for our people. America. Thank you. And Americans, come here. Gould personally appeared with a bag of $500,000 in cash and handed it out to legislators. What? So you're lobbying. No, no, I'm talking about you take that. Go ahead and take that. There you go, boys. Alright, let's get that vote going. Come on. Woo! Okay. Alright. So they both were up there. Vanderbilt would do the same thing. They just went up with tons of fucking cash.

I wish that was how it was now. I wish you'd like actually had to just see the exchange. Yeah. You know, that would give the news something to do all fucking day. Like Pfizer had to roll in with just a big bag of money. Yeah. And Barry get mortified just being like, so we can drug you. It was all right. Fuck this fucking money. Oh, this is how the sausage gets made. It's legal. This is fine. So Vanderbilt ended up, so it's passed. It passed? Let's legalize the issuance of fraudulent stock. They were like, yeah, that sounds good. And Vanderbilt... All the voters say, all the voters say, money, money, money. Vanderbilt ended up losing $7 million. But then he sued Gold and Gold gave him the money back, but Vanderbilt was out and gave up control of the eerie railroad. Okay. So Gold is dirty and bad, and he's also part of the Tammany Hall of New York situation. So he's the son of a bitch. Sure. So now in 1870, Gold betrays Daniel Drew, who's the first guy to go to the railroad. Right. By issuing fraudulent stock. Okay. And it worked. And at this time, Drew lost $1.5 billion. What?

He was really creating a monopoly on the fake stock. So what do you mean there's 200%? I meant for more. So the fights over the railroad are now known as the eerie war, and this is right when Lord Gordon Gordon came to town. Right on time. It's weird to kind of... You know, it's me and my boys. Yeah. Now you're kind of rooting for him. A little bit. Lord Gordon Gordon rented a, quote, significant apartment of suites on the drawing room floor of the Metropolitan Hotel. I kind of missed them a little. So he's just... So he's got the introductory letter to Horace Greenlee who he meets. He invites Horace Greenlee over for breakfast. And Horace Greenlee, he's a politician. Yeah, I'll get to him in a second. I don't know why I put the whatever later. I think I know I'm familiar with his facial hair. He was a politician.

So when Greenlee gets there, Gordon Gordon has open maps and charts on the table like he's been working. Oh, sorry, you're catching me in the middle of my busy season. Just trying to figure out where to conquer. So many plenty of options for me. Anyway, Horace has your beard that's only on your neck. So the letter's obviously a big deal and that's just how they did things back then. So Greenlee thinks he's great. And Greenlee's serious business. So he comes over and he's like, hello, yes. And he's like, here's the letter. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're awesome. Okay, great. Let's hang up. Yeah. What did you want to talk to me about? Could have gone either way. Horace Greenlee is the founder and editor of the New York Tribune, which had the largest circulation in the country.

He's also a politician and would run for president the same year. So he's like the fucking man in New York. Right, okay. And so sometime during this breakfast, Lord Gordon suddenly stated that he was the owner of 60,000 shares of the Erie Railroad. What? Okay. Oh, yeah. Also, I have 60,000 shares. What? 60,000. But is that not clearly known? Like what's going on with that railroad at this point?

Yeah, yeah. Has that not been like a fairly public battle? Everybody knows. So what is, so he's just, how is Horace Greenlee gonna buy this? Well. By the pound. He also said he was overseeing tons of shares for English friends. He's insinuating that he has more shares than anyone else and he has control of the Erie Railroad.

Right. But can't you verify that? Can you? Because so many fucked up shares of an issue. Because so many both, right. Okay. So he said he would control the next election of railroad directors. And Horace loved this. Look at the maps. Clearly I'm very important.

That's five different maps. I've got maps and maps and maps. I've got maps of maps. I've got maps of you looking at maps finding maps. I've got maps coming out of my maps. They have that Doris. Songs that come ahead of our maps. But I'm not saying I'm not loud.

No. No, I will not sing it. Because then every parent in here suffers. Please sing it. No, you sing it. No, that's not how this works. I am a map. I am a map. I am a map. Why would you do that?

Because of the audience. Shattered them. I thought you were cool. The weird thing is I don't even have a kid. But I do have maps. I am a Labradoral Daddy, though. So Greenlee loves this idea of a new guy coming in, a legitimate businessman coming in,

taking over this fucked up railroad. You're going to be so tired, I'll win it. And he would start referring to it as the Gordon Reform movement. A reasonable man was taking over this scandal-plugged railroad. Horace said if he could also tell the editor of the New York Times and VP of the Pennsylvania Railroad, Colonel Scott, that would be great. And his lordship said, yeah, go.

Tell those guys. Absolutely, yeah. Fucking games changing. Let's do this shit. Show them the legends. So word starts spreading pretty quickly among the railroad magnets, and everyone is freaking out. The word spread quick.

He had been in the States a while and had already purchased a bunch of land up in Minnesota. Uh-huh. So Horace and the VP of the Pennsylvania Railroad, they come over to the hotel. They rush over quickly. Sure. And as powerful as these men were,

Lord Gordon Gordon made them wait. Power move upon power move. Because any rich guy would be like, well, fuck, he's making us wait. No, the valet comes out and is like, he's really looking at some map. Who knows how long he'll be? He's from the map of a map.

Yeah. You know, he's quite a topographer. He wanted me to mention that a few times. No. No. I'm a map. No. I'm a map.

He sent out a message that he would quote, give them an audience shortly as soon as he had completed his toilet. Like a three-year-old. Boys, I've taken a big shit. It's not easy when that's this size to sit on toilet. So they waited. Was that normal?

Just don't break that open thing. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No, just don't break that open thing. I assumed that toilet doesn't mean toilet the way we... Like if I said it right now you'd be like, why would you tell me that. But I think back then it was just, like I need to get myself presentable. Well. But I would prefer to have,

but then taking a dump. So they waited for an hour. Wow. So that mean another step. Yeah. So they were finally a lot up and they quickly got down to business. extensively about what he was there for. He discussed the embarrassment of the

Erie Railway. Lord Gordon said he has lots of money and that he wanted to put a lot of it into the US. He had bought a lot of land up in Minnesota, it was buying more property near New York, where he was going to build a big house and have parties for fancy people like the Earls and Dukes, another prince. You know, the Earls, the Dukes, the Duchesses of it. More bullshit. The others. On March 2nd, an hour after midnight, Jay Gould was awoken by a messenger. A telegram arrived from Colonel Scott. He was told to come to a conference immediately in the morning at the Metropolitan. Gould walked into the hotel room and asked

Lord Gordon Gordon what his interest was in the Erie Railroad. His lordship said, I own 30 million of the stock and my friend has 20 million. Millions? Millions. So they're really upping him. Yeah, he's upped him. He's gotten up. A lot. Fuck yeah. Like, next stratosphere up, like impossible. Yeah, right, okay. He's saying I control it. Right. And a change in management could no longer be delayed, but luckily he wanted Jay Gould to stay in charge and bring in a new board that he and Horace would pick and Gould would approve also. Okay. So Lord Gordon then went on to tell his life story to Gould. No, that's gonna be like fate. Born into a powerful family.

Oh, okay, this version. Entered parliament at the age of 22. Of course, yes. A real dookie-houser of parliament he was. He was the youngest member of the House of Lords. That's right, yes. They called me Lord Junior, they did. The Queen had trusted him with the delicate missions because he was very... What's the desire? Could not be specific about. He's very discreet, such as he negotiated with the Prussian government. I never tell anybody what I did except the time. I did some shit with the Prussians. Yes, with the Prussians, but there was no collusion. There was absolutely no bloody collusion. I didn't want to say this collusion was crazy. They colluded with Prussia if anyone did. Why would they believe them? Wouldn't I? Wouldn't I? So at this point, Gould is very

anxious to secure the cooperation of Lord Gordon Gordon and the running of the company. Horace Greenlee arrived. Lord Gordon then looked at Horace and said he did not trust Jay Gould. Okay. After he had been talking to him for a while. Sure, he sent things that Lord Gordon wanted to hear, but he'd have to give something besides just his word if he was going to let Gould remain as president. Absolutely. Well, the truth is Dave, you can't just trust someone in face value. That's right. They have to put $40,000 in the bank before you know they're legitimate and have three letters for people you've heard of vaguely. Gould said he would hand over his

resignation, giving up his power to show he was working with his lordship. Wow. What? I mean... Then his lordship could reappoint him as president, so it's like a trust exercise. Sure. Where you go, but you go, I will resign and then you make me the guy again. Sure, resign. That's how behind you I am. Yeah. Gordon said if Gould did not resign, quote, I could not under any circumstances give my support. Right. So... So, right. Well, uh-huh. Now, how does a con man play this exactly? My guess is Gould doesn't love it. Well, no. Gould said they should buy stock in the company together. His lordship declined, saying he didn't want his integrity and finances

challenged at the same time. Don't mind those. Did you need to go to the restroom, the toilet? No, I don't need toilet. So, Gould then said he would, quote, carry the stock for both you and myself. So, carry the stock meant he would agree to sell it at a predetermined price for a certain period of time. Okay. So, when you do that, you are taking on all the obligation. Oh man, that sounds a little precarious, knowing what we know. Gould gave him 20,000 shares at $35 a share for six months. So, Gordon then said he had already laid

out a lot of cash, dealing with investigations, paying to get bills passed in albany, handing litigations, and he paid for it all himself. Sure, yeah. Yeah, which cost a lot of other people money. Well, he said, he said they were legitimate expenses that should go against this new organization they're putting together. Right. Gould said that's not reasonable. Of course it is. Of course. How much over a million it turns out? Sure. No, and again, I mean, look, you're gonna have to break a lot of eggs to make the world's biggest omelettes. Gould, quote, I agreed to repost with him securities and money to the extent of about one half of

his expenses, or $500,000. Wow. Now, this is just for holding. Once Gould carried out his part of the agreement, he would get it all back. So, it's basically a trust sign, or you give a guy, sure, like you want a guy to trust you, so you go here is half a million dollars. Right, and then you go, okay, thank you, that's good. Now, give it back to me. Soon I'll give it back to you. Now, give it back to me. Look, that hippo is driving. Did you tune into a perp? Those are crickets. I'm gone. Those were crickets? I'm gone. You're nothing. What about... I guess I'll see you. Your mid song, your middle number. Okay, so then he gave Gordon a bunch of stock in different companies and $160,000 in cash together. They total

half my dollars. Cool. Lord Gordon, Lord Gordon, then... Lord Gordon Gordon, respect. Lord Gordon Gordon then looked at Gould and said that there was a problem with the math. Okay, well, let me guess. Gordon? You've not overpaid. Let's put it that way. So Gould didn't think there was a problem with the math, but he didn't want to make a big deal about it. Look, this is so applicable. We're sorry, Malish. So he gave Lord Gordon Gordon another $40,000 in cash. I didn't know what to do. It was weird. I was like, oh, just give him all of it. I guess take that. Give him all of it. Give him anything he wants. I don't want a lord to make me feel weird. Plus his testicles are giant. I just want to be out of the room. Fuck me. I'm under these. I can still bloody hear you. Sorry. Sorry. Christ. I thought they were... I know it looks like a beanbag, say. It's not. Two beanbags. To be honest, like two beanbags. Bloody hell. I'm fine. Shit. So then, after game all this, Gould asked for a receipt. Simple. Simple request. And Lord Gordon was like, I'm a lord. My word is good enough. You're offending me. So he gave it all back to Gould and Gould picked it up and started walking out the door and then he stopped and he came back and he put it on the table. He said, Lord, your word is good enough. Here's a half a million and $400,000.

$400,000. Yeah. So... That fuck away, Lord Gordon Gordon was like, Oh fuck, I've overstayed... Oh thank God this idiot. How did this whole fucking easy thing? Fuck it. Thanks. So the next day... I need to try and just leave them. The next day, Gould said a note with some of the shares of the stock saying he trusted Lord Gordon and basically apologizing in gruff. So not only has he taken all the guys' money but the guys apologized and offended him. Yeah, the guys have offended him. Sorry, I thought about not getting conned by you. The nerve. So Gould came over then and said he was looking forward to the great rise in Erie's stock over the next few days after Lord Gordon took over the board. So the big idea is that he's going to take over the board, he's going to say we're going to put all his money and invest in and then the stock's going to go up.

Right, it's going to be great. And then he told Lord Gordon, he was like, you're going to make a million and Lord Gordon said, Ha, that's a lot. I'd be fine selling the stock for half of that and Gould was like, really? Really? What if I trade you some other stock? And Lord Gordon was like, sure, you can trade me some other stock. The way? So Gould said he could have the stock, he'd already given him to hold on to, so now it's his. So it's not a whole new thing. The way he drops these things about himself that people pick up on, like he's just throwing away these thoughts, like just to himself muttering like, No, no, please. Oh, I've got his good stock. Just a lot of walks to the window, just alone, just like, oh, no, me, no, I mean, I've just got a ton of land, I can't get rid of. What was that? No, I've just got a bunch of perfect property. I'm just swimming in it.

Oh my God. What? Perfect property? Anyway, should we have some tea? What did you want to do? No, my boys and I, we were just saying, we need our own property. Oh, let's not soil a delicious cucumber sandwich and tea session with business, my lord. Are you right? Well, I mean, if you wanted to bring it up, I guess. I would like to know more about your property. Well, I just have a ton of great property and I've got letters to prove it.

I mean, if you're interested, I'll sell it to you. Good luck. I have all the money. Now, give me all the money and take what you want from this made-up pile of shit. Yeah, here. Great. All you pay. Great. Awesome. Well, good luck. Can I have the deets to the land? Oh, you know what? How, dear, you, what the fuck did you just fucking say to me?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The deets to the, what the fuck? I'm sorry. Get out of here. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's your money. I get that. Here's more money. Here's more. A double.

Sorry. Sorry. All right. No, that's my fault. No, it's... That's my fault. I'm miscommunication. I shouldn't ask. I mean, I'm Scottish. Who knows what I'm doing? I don't even... So.

So. Jay Gould then handed over his resignation as president and director of the Erie Railway Company. And to Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, the guy who had nothing to do with the company. Or anything. And he now had over a half a million worth of Google Securities and cash in a bag. They had known each other for one week. Oh, man. So now...

So now, Jay Gould's expectation is shit is going to happen super fast. I would hope that it wouldn't be something like that. I would hope that he would think things are about to go crazy. But things did not happen super fast. Nothing happened. That's weird, because that's a lot. All that happened was Lord Gordon sold 600 shares of Erie and pocketed it, and then 5,000 shares of Oil Creek on the Philadelphia Stock Exchange.

Okay. Because of that, word got out. It suddenly dawned on Gould that his Lordship might not be on the up and up. What were the red flags, Dave? Walk us through them. A quick investigation confirmed it, so Gould stopped the sale of stock immediately. He then rented a suite of apartments at the Metropolitan Hotel right next to Lord Gordon Gordon. Okay.

Awesome. Gould summoned his powerful friends in New York, and they had a discussion, and then they sent for the superintendent of police. Okay. So Horace Greenlee was asked to be the go between the two men. And Horace told Lord Gordon, since he was a gentleman of high rank, he wouldn't want to get caught up in some ugly controversy, and should just return the money and forget trying to help Gould or the Erie Railroad.

They're just not worth it. They're clearly fuckheads. Yeah, right. Horace gets it. So he said, if he gave up the money, he could go after Gould in court afterwards. Right. Okay. Right, yeah, of course.

Lord Gordon Gordon demanded to see Jay Gould, but Gould refused to see him. And after a few hours, Lord Gordon gave up the 200,000 and most of the securities. But the stock that he had sold already was obviously missing. So then Gould had Lord Gordon arrested for obtaining money under false pretenses. Okay. Lord Gordon hired two lawyers, one of whom was Daniel Sickle. I represent Gordon, and I'm Gordon's lawyer. And decided to split the case.

Yes. We would like to be defended separately. And that would be obvious, and I plead guilty. I'm innocent. Let them do it some sort of con, I can tell. There's worked two of them before, but there's always been two of us. You either have. Hmm.

What? I have. What? What? Move on. So Lord Gordon hired two lawyers. One of whom was Daniel Sickle, the star of Dollop Episode 234. He killed his wife's lover and then walked on.

He was the first insane defense guy. Right. So he's in this. And he's the lawyer of Lord Gordon Gordon. This actually makes sense. Three big magnets, magnets, of whom one was Vanderbilt posted, Lord Gordon Gordon's Bond. Of course. My lord, I'm so sorry you've been going through this.

Some people are saying you're not who you claimed to be. Yes. That's it. Yes. Yes. You're all right. I don't know if it's that troll though. All right.

Yes. I'll be honest, the length of your laugh is troubling. Yeah. No. No. No. You are who you say. No.

It's just words are missing from your... Yeah. It's more noise based. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, there. So, what did I do here? Okay, so...

No, no, no. Sorry. The rich guys help me out. Goldenous friends cannot believe that anyone would help Lord Gordon Gordon after what he'd done and it was clearly a fraud Is anyone doing a Jay about his decision-making? Is anyone like, Jay, what the fuck happened in the last week to you? Sorry, he's a hypnotist. You know usually I mean he's got so much money. It's interesting he did this, but usually they would let it go and just be like I don't want people to take it on the chin. Yeah, that's kind of what I would figure in a way. Yeah

So Sorry so so because Lord Gordon Gordon had these other back guys other rich guys back in him, right? Yeah, they're built and whatever so now he super leans into being innocent and starts claiming he's being abused, right? Yeah, right. That's how you do you play victim So so the case goes to trial in under two months because it's how America used to work

It's used to kind of make sense I mean there's a lot of problems, but like that makes sense two months. It's it's like eight years You can delay shit on the stand Lord Gordon Gordon told about when he's on the stand Is anyone like he's not real or everyone's just like, let's ask Big Bird what he thinks No Because how are you gonna prove he's not real? I guess but you would think that like I mean there's lawyers involved as a lawyer Not like this isn't adding up. Yeah, but what does it exist? What are they gonna do just start calling people in England?

Do you know Lord Gordon Gordon like they need to have a trail to follow? They have no trust. It's just a con man's dream. Yeah God so easy if I could go back in time is what I would do now. Yeah Well, yeah, you can't pull it off now No, no one can grift anybody now So on the stand he told about when he came to America and all the land he had bought in Minnesota and his ancestors the great Gordon's of Scotland He said he said the Erie stock wasn't in his name, but in his corporation's name

Right Scrooge McDuck so they can't get him on that so they had searched the stock and whatever in front of his name He's like, yeah, it's not me No, it's not under my name. It's under my business name. Oops B. S. I. N. C The Attorneys asked a lot of us relatives back in Scotland and he answered every question. He was described as quote unconcerned But after his testimony Google cable to all the people his lordship had mentioned in court But you what he every person that he mentioned that Dan Court in England's got in France J It sat there and wrote down and then he and then went attempted corroboration and then went straight to cable

The only cable network around in the 1800s So not one of the people had heard of Lord Gordon Gordon and they said he had nothing to do with the great Gordon family of Scotland, okay, this is what I wanted. Yeah, right justice. Well, just a move Unattempted something other than like, oh bloody hell sounds pretty good So gold showed up at court the next day ready to end Gordon Gordon once and for all Lord Gordon Gordon was gone I Turns out as soon as he finished testifying he got on a train and went to Canada

His train mind you Got a monorail The case was considered quote ended That's that Guys gone, what are you gonna do? What's Canada? Welcome to justice. You know what I mean? You lost everything too. Fuck in a week. Oh my god What's weird is he took the airy airy railroad up there and that won't even make sense there Anyway, he must not be sleeping

Gold wasn't done. He offered 25,000 for the arrest and return Is he gonna pay it to the Gordon Gordon? Yeah, there you are constable And I will find it right now idiotic rip off mustache bloody fool Oh Gold sent investigators to Europe and that's when every everyone learned of his past as Hubert Hamilton and lord glenn care turns out he'd stolen diamonds from jewelers in emberg and london and They were valued at over a hundred thousand and that has been the seed money when he came to the us Okay, I'm shocked to hear this obviously. So this news arrived in

Minneapolis and they were not pleased. What? Yeah, like the train Quote half a dozen sturdy citizens resolved to get even with the I do like how there was an audible six. You guys are from sturdy stock. Did you not know that? Oh Half a dozen six It's like eight people at the same time like six Six half a dozen six plus six is Half of that would actually be

It's not that It's not what I'm in the zone. I'm the arithmatist It's literally carry the nothing Yeah, it's just six. Holy shit It's just six That's two sixes that make up that dozen. Do you have any idea what that means a dozen means six and six It is twelve, isn't it? That's what my board says Look at all that yarn

My bangers call that that for a while I'm exhausted I laid it all out there today Okay, what were we talking about 12 what? I don't want to talk to you anymore Sit down instead of being as special as I am No one can relate to me Anyway, can I have a half a half a dozen of donuts? So the citizens of Minneapolis wanted to get even with the pseudo lord who was so grossly imposed on their hospitality

The reports came that he was now in Fort Gary Manitoba It's not Fort Gareth. I have a precarious position on my hands here you assholes So this is 50 miles north of the Minnesota Canada border So the organized a party in Minneapolis the mayor authorized the chief of police to go A team of fast horses was hired and off on a kid and I think That slow brigade You guys let's not do the slow horses this time You in the slow train?

Yeah, yeah, that took a while It sure did Let's see fast horses Or do you want to do the crazy train? Okay, that's fair. That's when they're on acid. They're the slow ones Look at their tripping They're cheap but it's such a fucking bummer It takes a while

Yeah Well because you need to wait for them to process what their lives are Take eight hours So, uh, so off goes the kidnapping party, right? They're gonna kidnap them and bring them back So they go up to Madison You kidnap grownups? Yep

Okay You kidnap anybody Okay, grownup The kidnapper in the audience is like, we have a union check! How fucking dare you? Relax, guy So they go up to Manitou They go up to Fort Gary

I'll call Fort Gary So they find him on his porch He's there just in his fucking cabin He's got a cabin, he's just hanging out on the porch And they're like, uh, we're gonna take you He's like, yeah, alright So they drag him into a wagon They put him in a wagon

The dragon wagon The dragon wagon And then they fucking head back for the U.S. as fast as possible And then they cross the U.S. border And then they get into Minnesota And then they're overcome by a party of, uh, people coming from Fort Gary Okay, coming Who are like, you took our guy

Right So they, they get him back The Canadians get Why did the Canadians get him back? Gordon Gordon releases Okay And they take him back to Canada And then they also, there are more of them

So they took the kidnappers too, so What, they kidnapped kidnappers? They kidnapped the kidnappers So it's a double kidnapped situation Is that allowed? They're like, no! There's no rules in kidnapping So it's all, everything's on the fucking board

Well, talk to that guy I think you thought there were a lot of rules in kidnapping He thinks it's fine club He's like, there's two big ones He's in a union He's in a union though, so that's a different Yeah Okay, so they kidnap the kid

They're like, you're Canadian now So they put all the, the sturdy citizens of Minnesota in irons And they take him up to, and they throw him in a dungeon They throw them in a dungeon? One of them For trying to mess with Lord Gordon Gordon But they, but to them it's just a fucking Canadian guy that they grabbed Like they don't know any difference

Oh, they're not even freaking out over the fact He's just a regular citizen No, they just think that they came up and grabbed the guys Oh, I thought they were going to say like You can't do that to the king of Malaysia This man owns the pyramids! You're fucking hands off him! You're going to a dungeon!

So, one of the guys from Minnesota Telegraphed the mayor of Minneapolis Quote, we're in a hell of a fix They come at once It's just so, so Minnesota Yeah Right there And they just like, new more, soon as

So, when the people of Minnesota hear about this They are fucking furious And they start talking about raising an army And heading across the border and attacking Canada But then, then they got talked out of it Someone was like, no So I was like, that's it! No more hard liquor! Water!

We should, we really should Guys, hockey's coming up It's almost hockey season Let's not do this Let's not do this I know, I know you lost your center, okay He's in the dungeon, but we'll have a good season Obviously, I'm going to pickle this here with their new center

Because their last center is on an IR Due to dungeon captivity Hoping to have him back by the end of the season I'm not sure how this plays out Okay, so the guys in New York Who had put up his bond money, right? The Vanderbilt and the other guys Which he skipped out on

They got a judgment based on an old English law That said they could go into Canada And legally take Gordon back Okay, okay So, the mayor of Minneapolis Then headed up to get his kidnapping party out of jail What a time! Now he gets up there

There's lots of threats on both sides The fucking screaming and yelling Canadians tried to make a deal They told the mayor He could have the prisoners If he bought a piece of land for $14,500 Let me guess That's Gordon Gordon doing that

Do what she wants But they said If he bought a piece of land for $14,500 That belonged to the Attorney General They'd let the guys from Minneapolis go He over-invested So he needs a little bit of his money back So maybe you buy that

And then we let you take that guy, huh? That's a good offer, eh? It's not a bad offer What the hell are you talking about? It's a terrible offer Hey, guy, relax, huh? Just trying to make you comfy here, huh? We're sick and tired of feeding your community

In our prison stoop, okay? Then why don't you take a captive? Hey, fella, they tried to say Whoa, I should deal there, guy Hey, fella, guy, put your hands down for a second, huh? How about you take it down a notch, huh? They say even before notches weren't vetted But just, hey, chill

You wanted me halfway here, right? I just want to remind you when they're It's almost hockey season, all right? By the way, I don't know if you heard Our team got a lot better We have a center in captivity at all Some fucking bruiser, that guy They say he might be the next big thing

That's right So I don't know what to tell you Bunch of U-Pers So, um... The mayor Now exposed the The 14,500 offer For land to the media

And then the media went out He's like, Chris Hanson? So with no resolution, the mayor And the governor of Minnesota Went to Washington, D.C. To talk to President Grant About what was happening Jesus, he's like, I'm busy!

What? What the hell's shit to do? What are you talking about? Go get your fucking weirdo! Why are you here? I'm running a fucking country Go up, get your fucking center Jesus Christ

No one cares about fucking hockey We don't give a shit The rest of America doesn't fucking care It's true, I'm sorry We do take all the hockey teams And put them in hot places And you go fuck yourself Because it turns out

That's where all the money is Because the people with the money They live in the places where it's hot So you make a hockey team You make it good, we take it, fuck you That's the old saying Don't live in the cold So President Grant was actually

Very upset President Grant is very upset He promised to get the men released When the mayor said They had been caught and taken into U.S. territory So, Grant at first was like You said he was like

Okay, yeah, there's a fuck Then you tried to kidnap a guy And then they took everybody What the fuck And then they were like Yeah, they were already in U.S. territory And they were like What?

We won't kill them all! Of course Assistant Secretary Bankraff David Then told them to form a regiment And seize the border police And hold them until redress was obtained Jesus Christ!

Lord Gordon Gordon is a fucking issue It is an international problem But the governor and mayor went back And they decided to be more level-headed Just classic fucking Minnesotans Alright, let's, we can talk this out, right? I think they have cooler heads than Praveol The first time I ever came to Minnesota

I came from New York And I lived in Brooklyn And I came here I just walked out of the street And strangers were like Hi! I'm like Fuck

What? What? It's your fucking problem Saying hi It's a nice day Keep moving Keep moving, motherfucker And

And So the mayor and governor of Minnesota Went to see the Canadian prime minister And he decided there was no reason The prisoners should not be given bail So bail was immediately obtained And all the guys from Minnesota Including the senator were released

And they went back to Minnesota Dave, black time Oh Which makes bad Alright, we got like, it'll be like Five minutes Everything a little beer, right? Grab that one

Alright, alright Peeling back the curtain here guys That's how the, that's how the Honey's made Pretty sure that's their beaver So So those guys who were back in Minnesota Went to happy

Actually, of those guys Three would become Congressman from Minnesota And two would become Minnesota governor So That's a fucking That's a hot bunch

What? And they were talking about That fucking bunch And that dungeon, they were like Man, hope we get out of here And I'm not kidding Fucking big I'm serious

We're done this shit I'm just thinking about the league So the international conflict was over But there was still a $25,000 reward For Lord Gordon Gordon out there And we're came to New York That he was now holed up in a cottage Near Toronto

So extradition papers were produced In Washington D.C. And two Toronto policemen Were sent to get him And they walked in And they found Lord Gordon Gordon asleep in his house He looked up at them

And said, quote, Uh, yes, do you want me? Oh man When you know you know Ah, this looks for real It's about time Surprise, that lasted this long What are we doing? Front seas or maxis?

How do you want to end? So He then asked if he could sleep longer Because it wasn't noon yet Can I hit snooze out of the rest? I'm just so groggy Uh, the request was denied Interesting

He was nonchalant As was always his way He got himself dressed And then told the officers He had forgotten his cap Because it was somewhat cold outside Toronto police, quote He got dressed

And was all ready to go With the exception of a scotch cap He called for it Oh bloody hell I smell like I'd forget my hand If it wasn't screwed on It made sort of a rush into the bedroom To get it

Where he got the revolver I do not know I was standing in the door Within four feet of him The next thing I saw Was his turning around With his back against the wall With the revolver in hand

I made a rush toward him To prevent his shooting I expected it was meant for myself As I was about getting hold of him The gun went off He made some remark While holding the revolver in his hand But I did not catch the meaning

He sank down against the wall Just as I got a hold of him I saw the blood coming out Of his left ear That was the first I noticed Afterward Saw the wound in his right temple I believe he was dying fast

It was dead immediately Just dancing in the dark to this story I like how that guy couldn't figure out What was happening He's like I was pretty sure I was shot Till he shot himself in the head And I saw blood

Which point I determined That was not my head That was the other guy's head And I realized that I had not been shot That he had taken his own life Hold on Hold on Yeah

Yeah I just I wasn't sure there were a second I didn't check again Which point I thought we'd both been shot I lay down next to him I said Sweet death, your grasp is

Cold as I expected it to be I nodded off I woke up about 15 minutes later To my partner informing me I had actually not been shot at all Yeah I was like Hey, Burt

You haven't been shot Yeah It's a quote Yeah That time I put the suspect under arrest Whatever to get him for me There was no need As Burt said he's gone

He has passed Yeah, I said he's gone He's passed It's a quote It's a direct quote Yeah Then we arrested him Yeah

At which point I thought I'd been shot again But I was the blood from the man again And it turned out I did not know what dying was That's right I said Burt, you don't know what dying is And then again is what I call That's a quote And then it's an absolute quote

Wow What a con man That's quite a ride Anyway Anyway, segue That's just classic Minnesota Holy shit Well, that's fun

Yeah, that was fun That was fun That was interesting I'm sure somebody didn't have fun I'm sorry Well, the Gordon Gordons are here tonight That's not right Yeah, for sure

Oh, wait I'll be in Albany, New York And ask the Texas go to my website GarethRoss.com That's coming up That's September October Guys, thank you so much for coming out

We appreciate that We appreciate that stuff Thank you so much for coming out today