The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 35 - Thanksgiving

Episode Date: November 23, 2014

Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the American holiday of Thanksgiving.Tour Dates Dollop MerchSourcesPatreon

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca host welcome to the dollop each week I Dave Anthony tell a story from American history to my friend Gareth Reynolds who knows

nothing about it not Gary Gareth okay someone or something is tickling is it for fun and this is not going to come particularly quite good okay you are queen-fakey of made-up town all hell queen shit of lies though a bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do what Frank? Hi Gary. No. Is he done my friend? No. Why? I mean I think you might be the only person who loves it. I know but you just love it. Yeah I think it is at the end of the day it is. It's a great thing. Fair point. I think I like it now. Thanksgiving is upon us. Yes so a day of thanks. A day of thanks. So I thought we would look into the history of

Thanksgiving. Okay. Oh I know what I want to do. Well can I just say right off the bat this cannot be good? No it's gonna be great. This cannot be good. How could it go wrong? I feel like I'm not gonna feel comfortable putting thanks in the day's name anymore. Alright. So to do a little compare and contrast. Okay. Oh wow. Our first dollar prop. Our doll prop. Yeah. This is our first prop. The first time we bring in something from the outside. So the reason that I decided to do this was because I read stories to my son and I couldn't find the Donald Duck one which is what I was looking for. Okay. But I found one in my son's room called

the very first Thanksgiving. So why don't we read that? Sure. So people from other countries will know what we're talking about when we talk about what Thanksgiving is. Oh yeah. It's a great day. It's a day of thanks. Yep. This is the very first Thanksgiving day. And then they show people gather on a table. This is the food gathered in blessed. The corn and sweet berries. The wild turkey dressed. Shared on the very first Thanksgiving day. Oh that's nice. And they're making turkey and biscuits. Yeah yeah. No it looks like a whole scene. They have cranberries and some kind of berry there. They all have napkins on their

heads. They've got a great assortment of food. These are the Indians skillful and strong who knew how to live through the winter so long and ate of the food gathered in blessed. So the Indians are all coming to eat. It's nice couple of them actually. We're cool enough to show up with some food. Yeah. Most of them did not. That's the honest. There were a lot of Indians there without them. That's not the Thanksgiving I've heard of Dave. These are the pilgrims who farmed the new land who steadfastly labored and toiled by hand and learned from the Indians. I can't tell you how nervous I am for what's about to happen. I don't know. It's fine. It's fine.

Because this is not gonna be good. These are the houses built in straight rows that stood in the hot sun and harsh winter snows and sheltered the pilgrims who farmed the new land. Because it feels like they're skipping over a detail. I don't know what you're talking about. This is the harbor marked by a huge stone where the first steps were taken to chart the unknown not far from the houses built in straight rows. So there they are getting off the boat. It's snowing. It's lovely. It's an American Indian in a loincloth looking at a ship. This is the Mayflower ship in full sail that weathered the rough seas, the

wind in the hail and docked in the harbor marked by a huge stone. I love that there's no mention of the Native American with the spear that he's like pointing at them aggressively. They just drew it in. Yeah and also I just I just like that he's standing there in a loincloth. Yeah. I mean let's be honest. Oh no that's coming back. That'll look his own. Yeah and they're really obsessed with the rock which I don't really go into because. Yep. Get over it. It's fucking rock. I totally agree. That rock is like American Idol winners. They get it. They saw a rock when they got here. I get it. The rock. I get it. The rock. Okay. Bound of the rock. Okay. Suck the rock stick. Wow.

I'm sorry that escalated fast, didn't it? Very aggressive. I'm sorry. Just bow to it. This is the ocean. Maybe a second stick. This is the ocean that never would end that sometimes was foe and sometimes was friend that carried the Mayflower ship in full sail. This is the land where it all began. The land where brave group made ready their plan to travel the ocean that never would end that sometimes was foe and sometimes was friend. Some on the dock waiting to get on their ship. Oh yeah. That carried the Mayflower ship in full sail that weathered the rough seas and the wind and the hail. And docked in the harbor marked by a huge stone where

first steps were taken to chart the unknown. It's them getting off a little rowboat. Not far from the houses built in straight rows that stood in the hot sun in the harsh winter snows and sheltered the pilgrims who farmed the new land, who steadfastly labored and toiled by hand. Yep. Damn right. Oh and here's the big table. That's lovely. That's like a where's Waldo. Big table in all the dishes. Lots of people. And there's a guy clearly praying and then just tons of people gather around thinking it's great. And eight of the food gathered and blessed the corn and sweet berries and wild turkey dressed shared on the very first Thanksgiving day.

So before we get into this I would like to say that they didn't have any fucking dishes or tables. What? If they had first Thanksgiving they were eating on the ground with their dirty fucking hands. You don't know that. I know that because I've read all the history. You don't know that. They didn't have any fucking dishes. What year did they invent dishes? Exactly. You don't know. I try to work with you. I've always said I think dishes were invented in the 1200s. I've always. I'm on record. What does that even mean? Well there'll be no more questions. I just let's say okay I'm pretty steadfast on that. Okay that's cool. Doesn't feel that cool. That's cool.

Okay. European colonization of the Americans began as early as the 10th century when north sailors explored and settled limited areas on the shores of present-day Greenland and Canada. All right. According to Norse folk lore violent conflicts with the indigenous population ultimately made Norse abandon those settlements. So the Vikings cruised around and they were like okay I don't want to deal with it. Yeah. Like we're Vikings and we're like alright I get it. Yeah. We're not we're not wanted. Okay yeah they got the message. It's a lot. Clothes in time. It's a lot. And then they played clothes in time and they got on the ship. Oh we know what

that means. To the ship. Extensive European colonization began in 1492 when a Spanish expedition headed by Italian Christopher Columbus sailed west to find a new trade route for the Far East. So celebrated he gets his own day. But he accidentally found America. Yes. And he and he is credited with a hero. Finding America. Yes. Finding America. And even though he didn't other people found it first. Well I found something others have found. Oh okay. Standing behind. Standing behind the guy who just cured AIDS just being like. I just did it. I did it second. I did it. Remember me now. After Spain all the Europeans country all the

European countries wanted it on the action. Yeah. France also founded colonies in the Americas. And in northeast America a number of Caribbean islands and small coastal parts of South America. Portugal colonized Brazil. Tried early colonizing the coast of present day Canada. I guess that didn't work out for him. Yeah. The number of people living in America was estimated to made it in the Americas was estimated to have been around 50 million. Okay. In 1492. Wow. This came 50 mil. That's how many were already here. Already here living in the place that someone found. Okay. Hey I found a place where there are a shit load

of people. Everybody hide. Look what I found. By 1650 the number of people living in the Americas was 8 million. So there's a drop. That's a big drop. That's a drop. That's a lot of dropping. The herd was dramatically thin by old world diseases. The Europeans were filthy creatures. Used to rolling around in their own garbage dump of diseases which they just brought over and went would you like some. We've got something to share. And in turn the the although they all died they gave syphilis to the new to the old world. Oh that's thing you may have this here. This will be fun. I made someday read the story syphilis because

what happened in your what happened in Europe specifically Italy is beyond you. I mean it might be the first rated X thing we do not because of the sex but because of the descriptions of people. His face is falling off. Oh my god they were faces falling off. Well if you if your people have never been around syphilis and the first guy gets it is just like rotten away. Harry's face just dropped off. I've been fucking. So Harry fucked two days ago and his face is on the fucking ground. I'm a little worried. So by the time the English came rolling on through much of the Americans are already dead. In 1605 Captain George

Weymouth came rolling in on one of his boats. He was checking out the New England coastline to see what he could grab. Okay. He didn't find any gold or other exciting riches but he did find some dudes. Oh. All right. Cool. He grabbed them. Oh. Little worried about that. Well they were looking for money. You know they were looking for shit they could plunder and they saw some dudes and like we can take them and sell them or whatever. It's like if you go out to like rob a place and it gets thwarted you'll take a candy bar on the way out. Yeah you're like fucking I just take this. Two things. I got something. I got something. I win.

Weymouth wrote we used we used little delay but suddenly laid bare hands upon them for they were strong and so naked as our best hold was by long by their long hair of their heads. So they grabbed a bunch of naked dudes by their hair. Hey that's allowed. Welcome to the new world. Yeah. Because they weren't explorers. They were working for companies. Oh fuck. The ships were built to earn profit. There was no curiosity going at this point. No one was out looking for anything other than wealth. The main fight was whether private companies or public traded companies should be allowed to set up colonies. That's just

it. Yeah. We've just never been right. No. We we went. Hey let's bring everything that's wrong over to the new world. So on behalf of the Plymouth company captain Weymouth grabbed six Americans from the land they had grown on and put them on a ship and brought them back to England. Wait and it's called the Plymouth company. Yeah. So is that like Plymouth Rock was just like when AT&T buys a sports stadium. I believe Plymouth is a place in England. Okay. And so they had already they would already they'd already named it Plymouth. So when they get when they name it Plymouth Rock that's because they're

like and that's like the boat. Yeah. That's like where we came from. Okay. Yeah. They're morons. It'd be like if you left San Francisco and you got on a boat and you went down to Los Angeles and you went also San Francisco. Another San Fran. So he grabbed a bunch of dudes. He grabbed six dudes. So they went back to England. We didn't find gold but we found dudes. But we grabbed six guys. The most famous of those stolen humans was named Squanto. He was a member of the POTTUXIC POTTUXIC. Damn it. That's okay. POTTUXIC tribe. Okay. Who are now an extinct people almost. No the POTTUXIC are extinct. Yes. They were a band of the

Wampanoag Tribal. If there are any American Indians listening they're gonna be like Jesus dude you're butchering your shit. Don't get into the specifics. Wampanoag Tribal Confederation they lived around modern day Plymouth, Massachusetts. Okay. Squanto got the full European bullshit ride. Back in England Sir Fernando Gorgias owner of the Plymouth company taught Squanto English and trained him to be a guide interpreter. No one knows exactly what Squanto was doing between 1605 and 1614. He was certainly telling Gorgias about the American natives the land and where the riches were. He was then sent back to America in 1614 with John Smith who had

spent years as a mercenary fighting in Spain, France, the Netherlands, Hungary and the Ottoman Empire. He was also a pirate for a bit. He was captured by the Turks and sold into slavery. Then he escaped and made his way back to England in 1604 where he became involved in the let's make money off America bandwagon. He's one of the most if not the most prominent name of men who set up colonies in the Americas and will probably be the subject of his own dollop at some point. This is a meaty subject I feel. Yeah. So in 1614 he was on board. He was on his second trip to America. He had already made one. Men were

brought on board with the expectation of riches. On this trip they were all about whales and gold. At worst case we grab dudes. Look if we can't find gold we get whales. All right. I beg you guys. We can't get whales we grab dudes. Let's get whales and gold. And then they all got on a ship. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. I'm exhausted. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. Keep singing the song. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. All the way there gentlemen. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. Whales and gold. It quickly came apparent when they set sail that most of the dudes on the ship didn't know dick about whale. So all the

guys were like I know how to catch a whale and they got on the ship and they actually make kissing noises. Is that not working? Wait I got this. Here big thing big thing big thing. So now John Smith took the expectations down a bit and he decided to have them be all about fish and furs. So now they were just catching fish and trying to get furs. Matter of time till it's like shells. We're looking for shells. Okay. Rocks. Rocks. Any rocks. Pebbles. Anything. Literally anything. He split up his man when he reached America. He left a Colonel Hunt to fill one of the ships with fishes and then told him to return after he'd filled up the ship

with I guess they would take the fish and dry them and then bring them back. That's when they're the best. But Hunt was like fuck that noise. Oh boy. So he grabbed 25 Americans. Native Americans. I'm just calling them Americans of this because the rest of them. Well they are. I mean these cunts are all English or Spanish. They're all they're Europeans. They grabbed about 25 Americans and headed to Spain to sell them as slaves. This move would forever set the Nasset Indians permanently a war with all colonists. So one of the first ships over there dudes like I'll just grab a bunch of these guys and from then on they

were at war. Whatever colonists came in. They were just like yeah. Yeah they killed them. They were they were at war. Well put me into slavery once. Yeah. Shame on you. Right. And then another time and I'm no. Slavery twice since my fault. But how does George Bush say it? George Bush says fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me. Can't get fooled again. Arguably my favorite thing that's ever happened. In Spain Squanto was taken by some monks who wanted to convert him to Christianity. He lived there for a couple of years. Could you imagine you just a fucking living a living a fine life.

You're fucking tribe and everything's great. And then all of a sudden you're some guys are trying to tell you about Jesus. It's your life in place. Yeah. Like it's insane. Yeah. No. Yeah. You're just like wow I really wish I wasn't there that day. Holy fuck. Oh god. Why didn't I make a left. Like if I had literally just not pissed I wouldn't be listening to this guy tell me about the man in the clouds for two years. Then he eventually met an Englishman and he knew he wanted to get back to England because that's where he had met the other guys. So now he's been he's been he's been he's been kidnapped once taken to England. Brought

back. Brought back. Recapped. And then and then some guy decided to sell resell him with the other guys he just caught. Brought him back to Spain. Sold them to some dudes who try to tell about Jesus. I'm sure he's really happy. Yeah. So so he went back to England and then he met the treasurer of the Newfoundland company who was like hey man you wanna make you wanna make some scratch bro. Squanto was like fuck yeah I want to get home. So he went home. Yeah home. So he went on a trip to Newfoundland which. Okay. Which is kind of home. Closer anyway. Yeah. When he was there a guy who used to work with the gorgeous guy on the Plymouth

company was like fuck. Squanto girl what's up. What a small world. And it's my world. There you is. Squanto was like shit has been crazy. I've been bagging for so the guy wrote a letter to. I'm in hell. The guy wrote a letter to gorgeous and he and he was like get my boy back here. Get Squanto back to England. Squanto gets back on a ship. He's done he's now done more traveling in his life than I have. Yes. Yes. I've only been across the Atlantic once. Squanto's been on the road a lot. He's a road native. Yeah. Squanto found himself back in England. Thankfully Sir Fernando Gorgias Gorgias organized another

expedition to New England. So okay now it's happening. This time Squanto was to help the expedition and then when it was over they were gonna drop in and drop him in his village. So he'd be back with his peeps. Okay. All good. He could live with his peeps again. I'll ever want it. And it's been like what 10 15 years. A long time. It's been a long time. So in 1619 at the end of the expedition they dropped anchor at Plymouth Harbor. This is about one year before the pilgrims arrived. Squanto found that every man woman and child in his home of the tribe of the paw toxic have been wiped out by plague in 1617. Oh boy. Mainly smallpox

and leptocerosis which is also known as rat catchers yellows. One European wrote the savages died like rotten sheep and their bodies before and after death were exceedingly yellow. So Squanto. Yeah. Got picked up. He was hanging with his peeps having a fine life. Got picked up taken in a boat back and forth back and forth back and forth and then they dropped him off and everyone he knew was dead. Well winning. Yeah. Things are good for Squanto. So he was the only Pawtuxet left. Jesus. The only one of his kind alive. Squanto decided to remain with the. Here we go. Poconockets. OK. Where Massasoit the grand

satcham of the Wampanoag Federation resided. A lot of people from other countries. I don't know. A lot of Indian tribes created federations. Yeah. To fight other federations. So so there were you know they like they like gathered up their tribes to be at bigger numbers. Yeah. Another that was sort of the deal. Just picture the warriors inter trading with other within that. You know they were they were like a nation state. Yeah. So so he decides to hang out with those guys and they're like sure man all your peeps are dead come hang with us. So he's basically kicking it with the big dogs at this point because he was he

was like sort of famous. Yeah. Meanwhile a group of people in England were having a hard time. Oh poor. Here we go. Under the 1559 act of uniformity it was illegal not to attend official Church of England services. The penalty penalties for conducting unofficial services included imprisonment and fines. So you couldn't have your own church. There are a lot of Puritans in England at the beginning of the 17th century who wanted to purge Christianity of corruption and being lax with the rules of Rome and the Church of England. Where's your peeps now. Yeah. I'm aware but I just I think how is religion going

to work without all that corruption. That's real. Yeah. The core of the group that would come to be known as the Pilgrims were brought together by a common belief in the ideas promoted by Richard Clifton. Such a much much easier name to say. Yeah. Pocahontas. The Pilgrims were a group of people from Babworth rest east Rettford and Nottenhamshire England. Yeah. They came together around 1600. They weren't known as Pilgrims then. That name was not actually given them till 107 years later. But we're going to use it because it separates them. I don't know what they were called. They were just called like

those. Crazy assholes. Pretty much. Yeah. Among them. Just catch here. It really is. Among other things they were opposed to the wearing of surpluses. Surpluses. Yeah. What is that. I don't know. I should have looked that up. I'm glad they didn't let them wear it. The exchange of wedding rings. Okay. So they're a little strict. Yeah. No. Don't do that. But we're getting married. Fucking hell. You imagine having legally having to go to church. That's how sure people are. There's a man in the sky. Yeah. You must come here or he'll get pissed. What else. But the wedding rings and making the sign of the cross at baptism. Wait. That was not okay. They

were not down with that. Okay. They were a little. What is. They were a little. What is a baptism. That's when you get. Yeah. No. I know what it is. But what like you they're like don't get religion involved in the baptism. Separation of baptism and religion for sure. Now let's dip this baby in water for God. Oh. Okay. So a surplus was the white the big like white thing that they wear. Oh the dumb. The little the robe like. Oh. Okay. Okay. So all that shit. All that shit. You know they're like. No. No. We've we've made. Okay. Hold on. The rings the white robes and and then the crossing at the baptism at the baptism. Jerry not having it. They believe

the church was brought beyond repair. Their biggest problem was that the state had no business in running a religion which. Okay. Valid and their start. Congregations had the right to elect their own leaders. In was seriously not down with the separatist bullshit. Two other men at the time Harry Barrow and John Greenwood who led other separatist groups were executed. Knowing that the very lives were in peril the pilgrims held secret services churches at Scrooby Manor House. Scrooby do. So English. Yeah. Let's do it at Scrooby. Right. The plan is we'll meet at Scroobies and we'll not make the side of the cross. We're

reading rings and any of that. Right. Secret. Secret. Pray. Don't wear your surplus. What do you mean what's a surplus. We're like a dark dark one. Not white. How are you crossing. We're not going to Scrooby's Benjamin. We are doing the cross. The king and a new Archbishop of York started cracking down on the pilgrims. They knew they had to go and the main congregation interpreted a devastating flood that surged up the Bristol Channel in January 1607 as a sign of divine disapproval. Well you know how God swith waves. Look I passed. This is I haven't been on earth in a long time and I know it floods every couple

years but that one was fucked up. I am so pissed at them. That's how God works. Yeah that's exactly. Do you want us to stay flood. Okay we're going. No don't do that. I was just in a bad mood. So a lot of them decided to get the hell out of anger. The number who were willing to leave to stick to their guns compared to those who were like fuck it. You know a lot more people stayed. Okay then went right. A lot of people like fuck it. We'll just stick it out here and try to change things. Make the sign of the cross and a baptism. Keep our heads down. So comparatively low number a few hundred at best. Okay. Decided to get out. All

right. And now that this these are just the pilgrims. There were tons of separatist groups popping up all over the place. So later that year a large group tried to flee the country booking passage from the Lincoln Shire Port of Boston but they were betrayed by the ship's captain. The leaders were imprisoned in the town's medieval guild hall. Jesus. A guild hall. Because the captain was like let's see I got their money. How can I get out of taking the trip. Oh yeah these guys are all fuckheads. I'm starting to pay you. I know it's weird. Starting to like this captain a little bit. A year later the pilgrims

tried again and a handful of them made it to Amsterdam where they were followed by a steady trickle of others from the Scrooby area. Leaving Scrooby. Don't tell anyone. Those imprisoned were eventually released and made their way to Amsterdam also. Okay. One wrote they all got over at length but some at one time and some at another and some in one place and some in another and met again according to their desires with no small rejoicing. Good. I write like an asshole. Yeah. I even write English. Can you believe that grumble grumble. Gaffa gaffa wink. After a year or so the flock now numbering 150 or so moved south to the town of Leiden.

They were there for 12 years. At that point they decided to move to the New World. They said it was for the sake of the children. In Leiden they had to work from an early age and many of them were learning Dutch and adopting Dutch customs. Well I'll tell you you know how the Dutch are awful. Oh god. Not cool people. My son came out today wearing wooden shoes and he loved them. And he had tulips. I believe he's making the sign of the cross as well. Tulips like the devil. He's got great weed though. So they decided to leave. William Bradford a leader worried that the children were being quote drawn away by evil examples

into extravagance and dangerous courses. And Leiden was cramped with slum like conditions. They had come from the open farmland of England to basically a filth hole right in Amsterdam near Amsterdam. After a year or so the flock now I worried not all of them went. Not all went to America. Okay. Some were scared. And they should have been. Because it's like someone going hey man you want to live in the crazy woods. I know you're used to it here but you know there's. I know you like cable but you want to come to the woods. Do you want to go live just at a place where there's nothing. And you can just make everything

out. Yeah we'll figure it out. We got it. We got nothing but time. Have you ever been camping. No. Let's do it. It's like that but worse. What could go wrong. What could go wrong. Some like John Robinson stayed behind to tend the Leiden flock. He had gone to New England history. Had he gone to New England history. Especially the relations between the pilgrims and Indians might have been very different. That's foreshadowing by the way. Robinson ended up emerging as a man of singular intelligence and liberality who decided for example that Saint Paul was wrong and that women should feel free to speak up in church. Oh wow. So this guy would

had he. He's a little more reason. He was like the only reason to lead it. Like yes women can speak. I mean and it sounds that really is amazing at that time that must have been like put down bite that tongue bite that tongue. Who spoke like a woman. He actually was a woman sir. I'm going to be sick. A woman speaking in the church. So the pilgrims sent two delegations to secure a land patent from the London company on a condition from the king. The pilgrims religion would not be officially recognized. So the king was like you can get the fuck out. I want you to go. I want you to get the fuck out away from England. I know you're not

here now but it's enough. Just go but you can go there but just don't. Don't. No doing your. Don't. Not official. Don't be crazy. Go to your stupid religion. Just act like you're not doing it. Cool. All right. Get the fuck out. And they're like all right. Negotiating with the London company was not an easy task because of the continuing problems within the London company preparation stalled. The congregation was approached by competing Dutch companies and the possibility of setting in the Hudson River was discussed with them. The negotiations were broken off at the encouragement of another English merchant Thomas Weston

who assured them he could resolve the London company problems. So a bunch of religious nuts. A bunch of fucking lunatics were like we want to run away to America and now companies are competing to get them who have no fucking idea what they're doing. Who just want to get on a boat and go to a place. Yeah. Who have no skills to do this. Yes. So everyone's like I'll do you want to do it like everyone is trying to get them to fucking do it for it's insane. It's like the worst ideas ever. Sounds like dragons down. So the you know but at the end of the day looking for money everyone's money. Yeah. Right. Thomas

Weston came back the parties in England had obtained a land grant north of the existing Virginia territory to be called New England. OK. So they got a land grant. I think that place will stick. Merchant Merchant's calling themselves adventurers agreed to finance the expedition in return for seven years of shared profits from whatever the colonists were able to produce and send back. OK. That's the deal. You go to America. Yeah. Whatever furs whatever fucking shit you can make just fishing. I just want to cut on a piece want to piece a big piece and just the big fucking mostly I want mostly the piece.

Just get you take a slice of pie and then give me the pie. It was expected that this area could be fish profitably and it was not under the control of the existing Virginia government. So that was there was already a Virginia. Right. In England new investors had been brought into the venture and they altered the contract. I know that's not how that works. Is it. At the end of the seven year contract half of the settled land and property would revert to them. That's a pretty big twist. And that provision for each settler to have two days per week to work on personal business was dropped. Oh. So now they had to

work all seven days for the company and then just send almost everything back. That's pretty. They never told the pilgrims that part. That's cool. That's why you got to have your lawyer look at all this. You always have your lawyer checking out for you. Hey. Have a good trip. You're basically slaves. All right. Take care. OK. Have a good time. Time. Time of money was tight. The pilgrims decided the younger stronger members would settle the colony first. The others would make the journey later as they were April. OK. Two ships released for the journey the Speedwell and the Mayflower. Which one have you

heard of. The Speedwell. He always thinks Speedwell. What do you think. Thanksgiving. But the crew on the Speedwell sabotage the Speedwell. What. They sabotage. Because they already got paid. Jesus. They didn't want to go across the ocean. Oh man. So if the ship didn't work then they could keep the money. If there was ever a time in history for PayPal. It is. Yeah. Ship is a broken. Well. Yeah. We're not going to do it. She's got holes in her. So I'm just going to sit around with Bobby here in the dock. It looks like a man made hole.

Well it's a foot shaped one. Yeah. All right. OK. That was once we're going to shut this one down. OK. But the money. The Speedwell turned around. Some programs got on the Mayflower. Others stayed behind. OK. When the Mayflower finally embarked on September in 1620 102 passengers were on board. Only 28 adults were actually members of the congregation. The rest were people looking to make a buck off the trip or worse were just grabbed off the streets. Back then not really anybody wanted to get on a ship and die in the new world. So the early

colonial ships were filled with vagrants. They would go to the slums and just grab drunks and people laying around. At one point there was actually a genuine discussion of putting all vagrants on ships and sending them to the new world. Well in the log run they did. It's like kind of like Australia where they sent all the criminals. Yeah. Right. But it's different. It's just like do you have a house. No. Get on that boat. Do you want to take a boat tour. Take the rope off the dock. The 3,000 mile voyage took 66 days.

Meaning the ship average two miles an hour. Holy fucking sweet. Sixty six days. God. Because it was just filled with. The fuck were they eating. They didn't have refrigerators. What the fuck were they doing. You know they had. They brought like dried fish and stuff and. Oh yum. And you know they had oranges for a couple of days. Sixty six days of dried fish. On the way one baby was born and his parents named him Oceanus. Oh those parents are that's like that's

like today's names. Yeah. That's like when blue ivy you dumbass. Just fucking give it a name. Sarah. Me boy cabbage. This is waves. Two people died and the ship nearly sank in a storm when they finally arrived. They were way off course. They were in Cape Cod pretty far from Virginia. Also it was November. Hey what's the worst time to land in America and try to plant a crop. I'd say right around November. Yeah. November. Yeah. No crops happening for a long time.

Snow's about to hit and if it isn't if it isn't there already. Yeah. Right. Plus December's coming. You have to start shopping for Christmas. Well it's the holiday season for sure. Yeah. Very busy. A lot of traffic. Yeah. A lot of vagrants to buy bottles of booze for. Yeah. At that point they tried to head down to Virginia but the weather was too brutal and the currents were against them so they turned it back around. All the people who were not pilgrims immediately said hey

we're not in Virginia so we're not bound to the contract that says we're working in Virginia and we don't have to take orders from anybody. So here we go. Later. And I keep eating. Fuck off. Real sticklers for rules and contracts these people. The pilgrims were worried that all their agreements with the company and the king were useless. Now the other. Let me tell you they were probably right. Judging by previous history. Now the other people on the ship who were not pilgrims

were called strangers. That's what they were called. That's what they're called to this day. The strangers. They were the pilgrims and the strangers. All right. So this story is leaning towards one side. Yeah. From the get go. Uh huh. Uh huh. When's the speed well arriving? We're the good people and you're the shithead. Yeah. Shocking. It was then that the strangers announced that because they hadn't been delivered to Virginia they weren't bound to the contract and they would

take orders from no one. In fact the separatists feared all their agreements with the company. The strangers and King James were totally useless. Right? So they're freaking out. Yeah. They knew if there was division there was little hope on anyone surviving. So they had to work together. So. And this is a big historical part that everyone talks about. So before they left the boat a new contract was created to ensure the cooperation among the

settlers. The document came to be known as the Mayflower Compact. Uh huh. Quote. For the general good of the colony unto which we promise all do submission and obedience. Okay. Uh so basically they said that everybody if any decision was ever going to be made everyone would vote on it and whatever the majority was everyone would agree to it. Okay. So it's basically when they got there because of the fuck ups democracy was created. Yes. They also set the

precedent that only adult males would have a voice in government. Hmm. Okay. That's democracy at work. Yeah. This is where the pilgrims come in. Uh uh no shut the women up. Can we can we get a meeting in here? We're in style. All right. Let's have a vote. Okay. Women your hands should not be moving. I don't see women's hands up. Do I? Good. You're not people. Your brains different and stupid. Now stop raising your hands and voting. Um and once the vote was

taken all would stand with the majority decision. It was ratified by a majority rule with forty-one adult male passengers signing. Okay. So out of out of the forty-one twenty-sixer pilgrims, right? Yep. John Carver was chosen to act as the colony's first governor. Now, the place they just landed happened to not have any Americans living there. Alrighty. Why? Because it was where Squanto was from. Oh. This was the land of the potoxic. Oh no. They had arrived

three years after the European plague had swept through and killed one hundred percent of Squanto's tribe. They took this as a divine providence and assumed God had cleared their way by killing the natives. Yeah. Well, and if you looked at the ocean, there were some waves so you know God's involved. How great is it? It's coincidence that plague came through here right after one of our ships came through just before and the lord is powerful and smart and decided

to kill all those dirty people for us. After we came through before. Right. That part we don't need to discuss. But it was God. God, God did it. Look at the ocean. Look at your eyes on the ocean. God did it but it might have been us also. God gave us the illness to spread. In an amazing turn of events, they also found huts the Americans had not destroyed before they. Oh, the lord has built us huts as well. He is mighty. Before the people died

of the plague. So, people dying of the plague, it turns out they don't tear down their village. Well, Dave, why is that? Because they're laying around vomiting and bleeding. Well, it'd be nice if they could do a task or two. We should clean up before we all die. Make it look nice. They also found some pots and cooking items. Dishes probably. Some of itch were in graves. They dug up. You know, just looking for. The lord is so mighty and generous today. I am

going to dig in this hole where a person is and see what kind of shit he has. That's nice when you feel like God's on your side for grave rob. It's like a good feeling. Look what God left me next to these bones. Oh, and some shoes. Oh, the lord is mighty. They called the colony the Plymouth Plantation. All right. And there's a big rock there. The name Plymouth Rock. Yeah. They ate such an important rock. They ate from abandoned corn fields that had grown wild. Oh, and beside the west,

weather, the settlers didn't know how to plant crops. So, basically, they got like a really good sublet. A furnished, like a furnished sublet. They got a furnished. Like they rolled in and they were like, man, everything's all fucking set up. Let's get some groceries in this bitch. Yeah. I love also love that no one was like, should we learn how to plant shit? Yeah. Nope. Let's just go. Just eat. The kids are

wearing wooden shoes. We gotta go. We gotta go. Move. God will figure it out for us. They didn't have enough supplies to last until spring. Jesus. They live wildly unprepared. Yeah. They're fucking idiots. They lived in cities while in Holland and the rest were vagrants so they didn't know how to fish or hunt. How did that not come up in a 66 day trip? How did it not come up in a year before the trip? How did it not come up? How did it not come up? Does anyone say, does anybody know how to hunter fish? All right.

We're here. Now, who's the hunter? I think you just put your hand in the water and pull out a fish. No, no, no. You make kissing noises, dummy. It's just like whale hunting. Um, so in their first month, they caught exactly one fish. Oh, and they shot no game. Oh, that's amazing. They caught one fish. That's amazing. One fish. Thanksgiving. Great play. Now, there's a bite for everyone. Can I just say a great place to raise the kids to get away from

all of the horrible Dutch place. It's good. You can tell these parents thought long term. At least not speaking Dutch while they're dying. We've really rescued him. Now, dig a grave. Uh, they suffered from cold starvation and disease and half of them were dead by spring. The rest were. Less mouths to feed. Yep. The rest were, uh, the rest were in danger as dying as well because of the whole not being able to plant and hunt and fish. But they had a fish. They had a fish. They had a fish still. I believe at this point they'd eaten the fish. The whole thing? The whole thing.

They must have been hungry. They must have been hungry. One suddenly one day, a lone Indian walked into the settlement and said in English, welcome English. I am Somo said. Do you have any beer? What? What? That actually. That, that happened. That happened. A dude walked in and said, do you have any beer? Like they found America's first frat dude. He had a fucking, he had like a beer helmet on. Two straws coming down. I'm out. They called me keg stand. Do you have any more beer?

And that meant her not to be Jim Belushi. That's amazing. Uh, he saved their asses. His name was Somo said. He brought Squanto on his next visit. Okay. Squanto who was probably like, oh good, more. Well, having no tribe, Squanto stayed to help. Squanto spoke English much better than Somo said and he taught them how to plant corn and how to catch fish until the first harvest. Squanto also helped the colonists negotiate a peace treaty with nearby, with the nearby Wampanoag tribe led

by Chiefs Massa Soet who is living with. Right. So maybe they're, they were right. Maybe there is a God because the coincidences that led to them being able to, because they should have, they should have just brought the ship over and gotten off and died. Yeah, they just laid down its sleeping bags and perished. But, but fortunately for them, a Native American wanted beer. You see how beer is still just purely America. And also, there is a God because Squanto had been kidnapped. Yeah. And then lived in England. No, the odds.

And they kidnapped again and then been a slave and then had to learn about Jesus and then went back to England and then went back to the New World and found out that every single person in his tribe had died of a horrible infection. So they really won the lottery. They clearly is a God. They really won the lottery. Everman proved a God. I mean, they got the most English speaking Native. Yeah. He just rolled into town. He was like, you guys look like you're dying. Sup, bro?

Hey, you know, you don't play a corn like that. That is bullshit. John Winthrop, a founder of the Massachusetts Bay colony, considered the wave of illness and the death to be a divine miracle. I mean, what, what can't they put a shine on? He wrote to a friend in England. But for the natives in these parts, God hath so pursued them. For 300 miles space, the greatest part of them are swept away by smallpox, which still continues among them.

So God hath thereby declared our title to this place. Those who remain in these parts being in all, not 50, have put themselves under all protection. It's great. God, it's a great place. God was really involved, wasn't he? Yeah. The deadly impact of European diseases and the goodwill of the Wampanoag allowed the settlers to survive, to survive their first year. I mean, half. Yeah. In celebration of their good fortune, the colony's governor, William Bradford, declared a three-day feast

called Thanksgiving after that first harvest in 1621. Right. So that's nice. That's, it's a night. Yeah, that's nice. That's the Thanksgiving story. It's lovely. You like? Yeah, it's great. I mean, I think, you know, there's obviously a little more detail to it than I thought. No, no, that's it. That's the first Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's great. I mean, that's, that's a lovely, that's a lovely story. It's just like the original. Oh, should I continue to the second Thanksgiving? Oh, uh, well, it is, what is it? Just, does that one Cranberry Sauce got

involved? Oh, there's one that took place in the Manhattan, a colony, the colony of Manhattan. Okay, sure. I mean, I, I'm good, but if you want to do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Kick the can down the road a little bit, fuck it. So Squanto became a big man on campus. All the tribes looked to him for advice and he was the go-between guy. Yeah. And he used that to put himself in powerful positions. Okay. He was El Hefe. Okay. I don't know if he went by that name, but he was El Hefe. All right. Yeah.

He didn't exactly help the other tribes and even went so far as to tell them that the Europeans had barrels of plague stored under the buildings and would release them if they were provoked. Interesting. Interesting twist. Squanto's kind of, they have barrels of plague. Barrels and barrels of plague juice. I've seen the plague juice. The god of the English had it in store and could send it at his pleasure to the destruction of his enemies. So the Indians remained in awe of and in fear of the pilgrims. Squanto also started a rumor that all the local

Indian tribes are going to attack the pilgrims. Before anything happened, it was discovered that the rumor was false. Now the tribes wanted Squanto turned over so they could kill him because he had tried to start a war. Yes. And the pilgrims were like, no, he's too important. That's our Squanto. That's our, no, he helps us. Oh shit. Our Squanto. Squanto is still too valuable for their survival. He helped them up until November 1963 when he turned yellow and started bleeding from his nose. Wait, what year? 19. Oh, sorry.

Right. Gotcha. JFK was president. So 1623. Okay. So, okay. Meanwhile, the pilgrim's survival led to a wave of colonists coming across the ocean. All right. Boston and Salem colonies popped up. Manhattan, up and down the east coast. When the Puritans arrived, they merely discussed who owned the land. All right. It had to be decided because the European way of farming was based on individual ownership, which was completely contrary to what the tribal Americans believed.

They believed that no one actually owned the land, like the tribe farmed it. Yeah. But it wasn't owned by anyone. Yeah. So, what's so much about it? When I, I owned that, they'd be like, okay, and I own the air. Okay. Yeah. No take it. All right. And I own the air too, though. Okay. You'll be all on the air. I own it. Okay. Here's a patent. Good luck. I invented air. Okay. Enjoy the air. Give me money. Give me gold. Massachusetts Governor Winthrop declared the Indians had not

quote, subdued the land and therefore all uncultivated lands should, according to English common law, be considered public domain. It is so crazy to, at any time, to be like, but it's against our law person who's never heard of us. Hello, I'm here. The laws are mine now. Like, just the nerve of being so brash. We have fences, well, and from, do you not have fences? No, this is all mine. Yes. So, this is mine now. Apparently, you're not familiar with our law,

having been totally unfamiliar with us. I don't see lawns or corn, so I'm taking this. So, there's that. I'm a fucking dick. This meant that all the land belonged to the king. This meant the colonists decided they did not need to consult the Indians when they seized new lands. They only had to consult the representative of the crowd. So, should we maybe talk about the first Thanksgiving a little bit more? We're getting the second one. Sounds like a scarier Thanksgiving. It's better. It's better. So, they would pull up

and they'd see a bunch of land and they'd say, should we ask the guys who live here if we can have that? No, let's ask our guy who's back in a house. He says yes, we can take it. He says we can have it. Awesome. Just one minor problem. They're not happy. So, they would just go to the local governor and say, hey, can I have the land? Those guys who were here first for centuries have been living on and he would go, yep. The colonists embraced a line from a Psalm 2.8. Ask of me. That's a great Psalm.

Ask of me and I shall give thee. The heathen for thine inheritance and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession. Okay, so, I mean, it is written down, therefore it's mine. It's in a book. Someone wrote it down once. Nothing can just do whatever the fuck they want because of that Psalm. The guy I wrote that book didn't even know about this part of the world. That's crazy. The foresight of him. Oh, come on, it's mine. By 1637, there were about 2,000 British settlers.

They pushed out from the coast and decided to remove the people who were living where they'd be living forever. Oh, that's sweet. Now, the Puritan saw their religious colony as a model of social and political order that they believed all Europe should adopt. So, remember, these are people who had rigid ideas. Yes. And so, now they they think that knowledge should the English be living their way, but now they're coming over and they're living that way. Right. They left England because they didn't like what the church was doing.

So, they were living a life everyone should be living now. Everyone should be living this way. Yes. Everyone. I'm doing this right. It makes sense. I'm doing this right. Do what I do. But in England, the Puritan movement was on the rise. Those who stayed were changing things. For instance, they killed the king, won a civil war, and set up a short-lived republic and brutally conquered Ireland. What else you want? And they were super intolerant. It doesn't sound like it.

They were against the decadence of the rich aristocrats. They demanded extreme discipline, thrift, and modesty of each other. This brought about a new and emerging form of ownership and production. Okay. The so-called Protestant ethic. All right. Was a new form of capitalism, and it was all about men, specifically the most powerful merchants. Cool. The Puritan fathers believed they were the chosen people of an infinite god and that this justified anything they did. Using this, they could fight for their

right to accumulate power and prosper, while oppressing the masses of people, women, children, Indians, etc. Those who rejected the narrow religious rules of the colonies were often expelled out into the wilderness. Jesus. But I'm not really believing this. Out! Keep walking. To the woods. Don't stop walking. Go in there! Even! Even! Go into the dragon area. There are dragons. We've confirmed it. It must be nice to be so stupid that you can believe all that shit.

Right? Like to actually be... to have the balls to think that you can literally... you're supposed to kill to get money. That's what you're here for. To be so stupid that you never question whether you're right. Never. And that's what it is. It's stupidity. It's a basic stupidity to not be able to question, am I doing the right thing? No, just knowing. In US school, students were taught that the main fire compact of the Plymouth contained the seeds of modern democracy and the rule of law. It was actually the beginning

of a capitalist democracy based on all kinds of oppression and serving the class interests of ruling capitalists. Yeah, but it's our democracy. Yeah, but it was the birth of what people now see as crazy Americans. Yes, totally, yeah. It's a good thing we've got it under control now. And you can see how capitalism has sort of become the religion of us. Capitalism and religion are tied as almost as one. Now, in 1633, the powerful Piqua tribe had not entered an alliance with the British.

Like the nerve. Like the Narangansett and the Wampanoag and the Massachusetts tribes. Then the settlers stole the land where the city of Hartford now sits, which was Piqua land. That's ours. What? So yeah, we just said it's ours. Dibs. Didn't see any crops. No, that's our dibs. No, but that dibs. Sorry, we're calling we're calling dibs. It's our land. We get off of our land. Dibs. To make matters worse, the Piqua had the gall to kill two British slave raiders

who were trying to take them as slaves. Oh, the nerve. So did you guys showed up? How dare they? Trying to grab. They lost the fight. Some American dudes. Yeah. And take them away to be slaves. Yeah. And they were like, okay, we're gonna kill you. Well, I guess we're gonna kill you. And so the colonists were now pissed. Of course. You can't kill our people who try to take you as slaves. You're not acting like good slaves. Uh, you're basically like corn. Corn does not kill people. All right, now you're ours too. What if the corn started killing people,

the people who wanted to eat the corn? We would have to get the corn. Do you understand? Listen, oh, shit, they're gone. I'm a person. Oh, good. So the Piqua were like, oh, fuck off. Yeah. Do fuck off. We're not gonna turn. With all due respect, we're not gonna be slaves. We're not gonna turn over the quote killers. Yeah. Yeah. The colonial governments gathered an armed force of 200 and funny, 200 and funny. 200 and funny. 40 under the command of John Mason. Okay. They were joined by a thousand Narragansett warriors.

Now, here's the problem with, here was a big problem. So the tribes are always warring. Right. The big problem that they made was instead of all getting together and fighting. Unionizing. Yeah. Fighting the Europeans, they turned on each other because they'd be like, okay, we can get the, we can get rid of the Piqua and then we can have their land. Like the short term thing. Very short term thinking. Mason wanted to avoid attacking the Piqua warriors because he didn't think he could win. Wow. Yeah. So instead, he decided to have a massacre.

I'm sorry. He made a choice to, to, to have a massacre. He instead of, instead of choosing to, instead of choosing to fight the like the other guys with weapons. Yeah. He decided to just kill women and children. Go with, it serves the same purpose. Yeah. He's, that's cool. He decided a massacre can accomplish the same goals. That's cool. Without the risk. What's a baby going to kill one of your, one of your men? You know, it's just that, it's just.

What would your other fight? A 35 year old guy or a four year old girl? Look, I don't want to, I don't want to answer that because it's a four year old girl. Because a 35 year old dude can fucking hit me back or you can shoot me or you can stab me. A four year old girl, I can punch in the face and drop. I can just fucking drop her. Okay. You've sold me. Let's have this. Okay. So the colonists surrounded a fortified Piqua village on the Mystic River. At that point, the village was basically a fort surrounded by wood on all sides.

They were, because you know, they knew what they were in for. So they had built a fort, a giant wood fort. Okay. A wood fort. At sunrise, as the inhabitants slept, the Puritan soldiers set the village on fire because it was wood and it burns. William Bradford, Governor of Plymouth wrote, those that escaped the fire were slain with the sword, some hewed to pieces, others run through so that they were quickly dispatched and very few escaped. It was conceived they thus destroyed about 400 at this time. It was a fearful sight to see the

frying in the fire. Horrible was the stinking scent thereof, but the victory seemed a sweet sacrifice and they gave the prayers thereof God, who had wrought so wonderfully for them. Oh my God. Three chains for dead boys and girls. Oh my God. Mason himself wrote. And God, they're thanking God. Thank you, God. Thank you for letting us burn down people. Thank you for that, God. Thank you for letting us burn as the preschool. Uh, Mason wrote, it may be demanded should not Christians have more mercy and compassion, but sometimes the scripture

declares women and children must perish with their parents. We had sufficient light from the word of God for our proceedings. He said kill. He didn't. Hey, the God said. No, he did not, Mason. No, he did not. God said kill the boys and girls. There you go. I'll justify it. Go. I'll justify it. Got the land that God, the God wanted us to have. Yep. Killed all the people God wanted us to kill. Yeah, God, you know, and so now we have more land, we can make more money. Money, money, money. All right. Today, U.S. history books call this

the Pequaw War. Oh, that's cute. It was a straight up massacre of women and children as they slept. They did take 180 captives. Now, what do you do? What do you do with 180 captives? This is a hard one. This is a hard one. You got 180 people after consulting the Bible again. Oh, good. As long as they went to the Bible for the answer. Leviticus 2444, the colonial authorities found justification to kill most of the men. Good. Smart. Okay. You got to read the fine print. You got to really get in there. Yeah. Hey, could you find like something

in there that says we can kill these guys? Actually, looking at Leviticus, I think we can kill them. Oh, Cheerio. Through that, yes. And they enslaved the captured women and their children. Now only 500 Pequaw remained alive and free. Okay. Slavery was not new to Americans. By the way, I'm also going to do a dollop on the Pequaw at some point. And I'm probably saying it wrong. Pequoy. Pequotters. It could be Pequot. Yeah. Because they aren't French, right? I can't Pequot. It could be Pequot. Yeah. Slavery was not new to the Americans. Good.

Native people of North America had widely practiced taking war captives from other tribes as hostages and slaves. But now the colonialists came up with a brand new twist. Oh. New twist. The Romanian captives were sold to British plantation colonies in the West Indies to be worked to death in a new form of slavery that served the emerging capitalist world market. And with that, the merchants of Boston made a historic discovery. The profits they made from the sale of humans being virtually seized, they basically, the cost of taking them could be paid for by selling them. So it's just a very... Previously, like if a native tribe fought another native tribe and they took slaves, they just used them to like work and stuff. Yeah. But these guys

were making... The first time people were making profit... Oh, the first time you were actually selling people, right? Yeah. Okay. Cool. Well, I'm glad that... It's not to win-win. Well, win-win. Okay. But I would say... God, okay. Sorry. In slaving, American Indians quickly became, quote, a mania with speculators. The slave trade first captured Indians and soon kidnapped Americans quickly became a backbone of New England merchant capitalism. Turns out you can do anything for money if you have God on your side. Well, God's been very clear. Do whatever the fuck you want for money. Very clear. God. Meanwhile, down in the Manhattan colony, Dutch Governor Kleft offered the first scalp bounty. Ah. His government paid money

for the scalp of each American brought to them. Ah. It's 25 cents. I don't even got more. 50 cents. Oh, look, I'm putting it on my head. Look at all of these pieces of people's heads. Here is five dollars. A couple years. The reason being just to prove that they've killed them. Yeah. A couple years later, Kleft ordered the massacre of the Wappangers, which was a friendly tribe. So they... Well, they're just in the way. But God was so clear. God was like, I get that they're totally cool, but they're on a thing you want, that land. I'm just worried they might not be cool forever. So let's nip this in the bud and kill them. Right. That's cool. 80 were killed, and their severed heads were kicked like soccer balls down the streets of Manhattan.

One captain was castrated, skinned alive, and forced to eat his own flesh while the Dutch governor watched and laughed. What the fuck? What? What do you mean what? What? He was... I'm sorry. He got castrated. He cut off his balls. Skinned. Skinned. And then they made him eat his skin. Right. Well, the governor laughed. Laughed? Yeah, it was fun. Oh, my God. Do you know like parties? Oh, that is... Then Kleft hired the notorious Underhill who had commanded in the Pequaw War. And there was a man called Notorious at this time? He was the Notorious Underhill. He was the Underhill. The village was set on fire, and 500 Indian residents were killed. Oh, my God. Those were the friendly Indians.

Then a day of Thanksgiving was proclaimed in the churches of Manhattan. Oh, my God. Yay, Thanksgiving! How could you... Dong, dong, dong. Let's eat some turkey. How could you eat? How could you be eating? It's Thanksgiving, man. No. You just killed 500 people. No. You burned them alive. You made a dude cut off his balls and eat himself. Why are we still celebrating this thing? Thanksgiving. Why is this still a celebration? Let's have family with dinner. Why? Why is this still a day? What followed was war and more massacres. The American Indians fought back in King Philip's War, killing 10% of all the European men in New England, but they lost. After King Philip's War, there were almost no Indians left free

in the northern British colonies. A colonist wrote from Manhattan's New York colony, There is now but few Indians upon the island, and there is few no ways hurtful. It is admired by how strange do they have decreased by the hand of God. Oh, Jesus Christ. In English first, they have decreased by the hand of God also because we keep burning them alive. I mean... Look at the hand of God set this village on fire. I just wish it would be just, it would be so great to walk around now and still have that attitude. I know. Nice coffee, give it to me. God wanted me to have it. Cool car. I'm going to do whatever I want with it because, you know, hashtag God. Just go to someone's house. I live here now. Go to someone's house, kill them

all and go, look what God has done. God has blessed me with a lovely furnished two-bedroom apartment. It's amazing what God has done. God is mighty. Yeah, God. Oh, wow. In Massachusetts, the colony declared a day of Thanksgiving in 1676 saying, there now scarce remains a name or family of the Indians. They're either slain, captivated or fled. Reservations were created based on the model in Ireland where they were designed for the wild Irish of Ulster in 1609 by Cromwell, one of the worst humans that has ever walked the earth. Cromwell was, of course, a Puritan. Oh, shocking. Yes. His assault on Ireland was very similar to the attacks on American Indians.

That was because many of the soldiers who fought under Cromwell became immigrants to the new world. Oh, good. They brought with them Puritan barbarism, exported violence, something America still does to this day. At least we've held on to our roots a little bit. Yeah. The first national celebration of Thanksgiving was called for by George Washington and the celebration was made a regular holiday later by Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. At the same time, he sent troops to, quote, suppress the Sioux of Minnesota. So wait, we didn't have Thanksgiving for 100 years. Well, there were thanksgivings, but the thanksgivings were always, we killed a bunch of motherfuckers. Yeah. Like the thanksgiving were barbaric

horror feasts. Right. Because they had slaughtered people. Right. The first one was because a bunch of people had died of a plague and they lived. Well, that one, at the time, didn't sound normal, but what a great one that was. Arguably our best one. Then the next one is when they've just fucking massacred. The one I like to remember where they made a man eat his own skin. What if, instead of celebrating the first one, every year on Thanksgiving, we cut off someone's head and kick it down the street. Like they did. Different take. Like they did. Different take. God has blessed me with a beautiful head soccer ball. So the story of Thanksgiving celebrates the bounty of the American way of life while covering up the brutal nature of our society.

By 1975, the official number of Piqua living in Connecticut was 21. Oh. Happy Thanksgiving, buddy. Gobble, gobble. Gobble pumpkin pie. Feel good? No. No. I, this is what I was afraid of. This is what I was afraid of, is that it, it, it's almost like, it's like, it sounds, this sounds horrible, but it's almost like fast food. You just don't want to know what's behind it. And then once you do, it's ruined. It's exactly like fast food. And so now, I mean, in less than a week, we can stop. You've just watched, you just watched Food Inc. Yeah. Oh yeah, exactly. Yes.

You can celebrate it. You just had to, you just had to pretend like it's not about that. Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, it, well, I just, I don't believe that God has blessed me with, with the meal and that. Well, you're a vegetarian, right? Yeah. So you're not sitting down and going, this is great. This, we killed this thing. I mean, it's all fucked up. Yeah. Oh, for, look, yeah, that's why I'm a vegetarian. Yeah. I mean, the reason that we can, the reason we can sit here in America and be like, let's have a great meal there is, because somewhere a bunch of other people are getting completely fucked over. Well, and it's the, it's always the idea that you can just kill anything. Yeah. Because you,

it makes your life easier. Yeah. And it's just like, what the fuck? That's not how it is. Yeah, that is how it is. That is how it is. That's not how it should be. Anyway, happy Thanksgiving. Thank you, David. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Enjoy your, enjoy your family. Yeah. And kill whoever. You kill your mom and dad. Kill your mom and dad. God wants you to.