The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 360 - William Buckley (Live w/Dilrukj Jayasinha)

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine super early European to Australia William Buckley SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Like Dave said in the intro, give it up for Gareth and Dave. Thank you everybody for coming here we appreciate it. It's great to be here in Canberra. Stop it sir. You're listening to the dollop. We have a third chair which means we must have a guest. We are very excited to have this gentleman here tonight. He is a Logie winner which we here is very big. We don't have Logies in America. We have the Oscars and he's also the weight-loss champion of Australia. He's the Sri Lankan Sweet Laugh. Give it up for Dil Rukh Jyotsi. Glad to be here everybody. Thank you so much. I love how you you started my last name and then bailed.

Yeah fuck that. Jyotsi. Well you try and say it. Yeah you give it a whirl. I can't that's what I got him to say. I also enjoyed how Logie got less of an applause than weight loss. That's how my reputation in the podcasting world is like yeah yeah yeah we get it it was but fuck you stop eating KFC for breakfast well done that's that's quite an achievement. Were you eating KFC for breakfast? I've dabbled. 1780. That is I think the loudest and quietest people have gotten at one of these shows. Yeah that was quick. That was just like an orchestra directed it. Just a heads up for any Aboriginal listeners turning in turning into this

dollop that I'll probably be mentioning the names of some deceased Aboriginal people. I can hear an email from an American. And then yeah and then an American will complain. William Buckley was born in 1780 in some this booze already. Did he get booed? William Buckley yeah. In 1780 in Macclesfield England he learned to read in high and night school and became a bricklayer's apprentice at 15. How are you spelling night? No he's not one of those. He's not at the round table. NIGH okay. Jousting. God they had a night school though. We actual fucking nights. Yeah and they did it at night. That's

night night school. There's a place in Ballarat that does reenactments of Korkri Castle where you have to train to become a night yeah big fan one of them apparently. So that was not the school. My uncle died at one of those. He had it coming in in ways helmet. You know the rules. His name was his name was no helmet Anthony. What was he gonna do? That was his nickname. The people cheered no helmet Anthony and then Joust right in the fucking head. My name is Dill Rook breakfast KFC Jousting and so some of us have to make changes as the times change. Yeah your uncle eventually wears a helmet and Dill now eats bacon and

salmon. Monster. William Buckley grew to be between six foot six and six feet eight inches. Wow that's big. Were people smaller? Yeah yeah at the average at the average the average height of an Englishman at that time was five three. That is amazing. So he was just like. Excuse me I don't know why I've got shot my desire. You're too big for this town sir. Well I like that it's in between six and six six and six eight. Yeah they just changed like with like the waves. Well he's six seven with outheels. Yeah right. I think they weren't sure at the time. They weren't sure. Yeah well because everyone's so tiny they had to get on

each other's shoulders like kids in a trench coat and a cartoon to figure out how tall he was. That's right. And he was just throwing them. You pick up an Englishman and throw him. No. They didn't have rulers that went that high back then. They had to just estimate it from us. The rulers were different. They were awful. So he's a giant. At 19 he listed in the army. They were like yes. Yes. Terminator. You may join. So six weeks later he was fighting in Holland against the French. His regiment suffered heavy losses and William was shot in the right hand. Oh yeah. I'd imagine they'd be easy to shoot. I mean he was like for

enormous. The fact that he got his hand that's that's the best spot. Like he's just such a kleotogist in his head. He probably tried to grab it. He's such a giant. Full of that giant confidence. He's drunk on giant juice. Keep going David. Back in England he soured on military life and started hanging out with a bad crowd who quote led me into scenes of irregularity and riotous dissipation. That's why you stopped drinking. I don't know what riotous dissipation means. I mean I know riotous but what does dissipation mean. By the way there's gonna be a lot of stop-starts because English is my second language. Go fuck

yourself. Do it in Sri Lankan. This is finally a biracial podcast. What you always wanted Dave. Dave's dreams finally come true. A bi-weekly biracial podcast. Bilingual too if you can. I'll look it up because it over indulgence in sensual pleasures. So there's a lot of lot of coming. We're back at KFC again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's dilserotic fantasy at this point. It's you and the colonel. It's finger licking good baby. Oh Jesus. Sorry what? What is I want to leave now? That's what. So the group was receiving stolen goods. So they're getting stolen goods. He didn't know. He was handed a piece of

cloth one day by someone to carry across town to someone else and the cops grabbed him. A cloth stop? Yeah, yeah. I mean yeah, they had cloth stops. I mean this is so English. But they're just trying to they're just trying to get rid of all the fucking poor. Put them on boats and send them away. So like it's just like hey do you have a sheet? You're in prison. Like they were just right. Like they were they would they would give someone a handkerchief and then have them arrested. Like it was a fucking. It's a set up. Yeah. So he's he's fucked. He he's arrested. Spent six months in a prison gang. Then he was off on the

ship Calcutta to a new penal colony being founded in New Holland. Sure. Was there an old Holland at the time? Yeah, there was the original one. The one in Europe. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Wasn't sure if it was sort of you know getting ahead of the curve. It's like New York. There used to be a York. Yeah. We're still a York. Oh, I don't count that one anymore. Not after what they did. Which the New Yorkers did or the old Yorkers did? I don't think he wants to get into it right now, Dave. It seems a little sensitive for Dill. I think it's nice. He's gonna tweak this. Yeah. Yeah. Bubble up. He since he knew Brick Lang, he was very

valued. So they put him on the ship. The Calcutta carried 307 convicts and Lieutenant Governor of the new colony David Collins. Okay. Collins. It landed in late 1803. 600 miles from the nearest settlement of Sydney. Okay. Which is New South Wales. Right. Yeah, right. Because the South Wales was already hailed. Exactly. Thank you. Yeah. Same with Holland. This is thank you. Exactly. They picked that site because they it was so fucked up. They were like no one can escape from here. So Collins did not like the site. Collins is not down with it. And he was also offered a bonus to move. So the deal was if he couldn't make it work at Port Phillip, he would get a bonus to go to

Tasmania. So they like set him up to make it not work. Like if he if he fucked up at this new colony, then he would get more money to go somewhere else. Right. So the idea is that you intentionally fuck up this new colony and then you go somewhere else. I think they're they're thinking was well if it fucks up them will then he'll still go somewhere else and do another one and we'll pay him more money to do that. But I don't think they realized they were making it so that he would make it fail. They're incentivizing. Yeah, incentivizing failure. Which doesn't happen anymore. Yeah, not at all. No, absolutely not. Why would you do that? Well,

it would make no sense. I mean, unless you made a lot of money, but nobody would not have that sort of character to know. No, no one's like. Wow, that. So oddly, the colony quickly started to fall apart. Weird. Yeah. Morales very low. There were a few escape attempts, but they all were captured. Each one got a lashing. After three months, William Buckley decided he was going to run for it. He said, quote, the attempt was little short of madness. Short shouldn't be a word he's using. Yeah, everything's a little short for that is appropriating. Everything is short to him. Yeah, but he's very impatient. He doesn't want to be here

anymore. So three other convicts and him make a break for it the day after Christmas. They had a rifle, some food and an iron kettle. Okay. Oh yeah, you know, like, like Iron Man did. Sure. Yeah. When he created his weapon, a gun, some food and a kettle. Is there a better guy to run away with, though, than somebody who's like a foot and a half taller than you? You're like, yeah, buddy. Yeah, hopefully they don't shoot us, you dumb asshole. Don't mind me. This is just my pole that I carry around with me everywhere. You know, would you carry me on the front of your chest like a beyond? Is that possible? I want to see that movie. So a guard saw

them running. He shot and he hit the last guy in the group. The others kept running. They ran for about four hours straight before they stopped. Again, you'd be pretty gutted if you're the one who got shot when there's a six foot six. Yeah, yeah, there's the target. His last words, but he gotta be fucking kidding me. What were the odds? The next day they saw an Aboriginal tribe and William fired his rifle into the air and scared them off. Then they threw out the iron kettle because they realized there was no reason to have an iron kettle out. They are English. We'll struggle to make tea the next day. Yeah, yeah. Really puts you in

a bad mood if you don't have any tea or water, but still. I just love the idea that they're escaping and they're like, well, let's bring this in case we get all that wild tea. If we're gonna bring the kettle, should we bring some sauces? Couple cups, make a thing of it, yeah? Some doilies. Hold on, why don't we leave tomorrow? We can load up on some pastries, make a nice Sunday afternoon after it. You know what I mean? Do it right. Do it classy, right? Yeah, yeah. So we've got the sauces, we've got cups, we've got the tea, sugar cubes. Yeah, we'll put the sugar cubes in it, yeah? Right, got all that, yeah. Biscuits. Yeah, biscuit, absolutely biscuit. Right, all right, we're

gonna need to leave it about a week, week and a half, I think. We might need to add some more men because we'll need a table. We don't want to be sitting out there to bloody savages, do we? No, absolutely not. No, we've got more look proper. So we'll get a kettle, we'll get a pot, obviously stew the tea a little bit, you know, make it steep, right? Steep the tea. Yeah. And then we want enough cups and then we'll have enough for a bit of a shindig, yeah. Yes, questions, yes. I don't know, God, look. No, you're absolutely undercover, undercover, not one of us at all. No doubt in my mind. Where in England are you from then, mate? Hello. No, not a place. How are you? I don't think that

one's all right. I don't think he's fine, is he? No. Although we did see you all right, much. I've never heard him say before. From Bristol. Ow. New or old Bristol. Bristol. I think we've got a wrap, but I think we've taken, you see, he's an extra set of hands for spoons, yeah. Cadbury. All right, I mean, I'm really starting to doubt you a bit now because you're pushing it, you are, you are, you're pushing it. What are your thoughts on cricket? What do you think about cricket then? You know, God. It's fucking shit, mate. Like footy. Like footy. Like footy. Are you from the book of stereotypes? It's like a key chain that has like, noises that you just pick up. Catch phrases from the country. Well

that works. Footy. Okay. I like cricket. Okay. And then the other three are just the same one again. Well, that's not good. It's malfunctioning. We got him wet. So they threw out the cat. No, no, no, no, no, no. Regular, regular voice out of character and I'm air quoting realizing it was pointless. He's stuck in a loop. He doesn't, he doesn't want to do it. He's just how long would you sit here? I had about four more seconds till December. I had four more seconds. They can't about 20 miles outside of what is now a Melbourne and finished off their food. Then they realized they had not planned the food thing well. Oh, no, they left the kettle. So they're out of food. At a beach, they found shellfish

and freshwater. They had they had to fire somehow and they stayed for several days. So the shellfish turned out to be quote, not great. That's not good. For this time, not great is really bad. It affected us all very severely. We know what that means. So I just picture guys running and shitting on the beach and rubbing their asses on the sand. I don't know if we need to get that deep into it. I mean, obviously, I don't think we don't want to picture human dogs scooting on the grass. I think I've got worms. No, no, no, no, don't help. Don't help. I do cannot be flanked by this behavior. We've had terrible shellfish. They're becoming stereotypes with leaky bottoms. No, no, no. He's saying, oh, God. Biscuits.

They're learning more. They're becoming higher intellectuals. That's a problem. This is not artificial intelligence. It's stereotypical intelligence, just as bloody dangerous it is. After six days, Williams campaigns had had enough. They keep eating the shellfish for the six days. I think at some point you stop when that much shitting happens. They're near starvation and the other two decided to head back. I mean, if you're near starvation and there's shellfish around, you're like, maybe that's good. Let's try one more round. No, it's still bad. It's still bad, Branson. So William refused to go back, quote, being determined to ensure every kind of suffering rather than again, surrender my liberty. Okay.

I mean, really, he stole a piece of cloth. Yeah. Yeah. So now he's here eating poisonous rancid shellfish while his friends are all leaking. And he's like, I won't go back. I was going to give a gar cloth. Seems a little bullshit. Plus he's got a bullet wound in his hand as well. He's been through a lot. Well, good thing he had that cloth though. Yeah. Cover that up real easy. But right now he's the only giant in Australia. He was the Jordan of our time. The other guys took the rifle and left. So William slept in brush on the beach. He's freezing at night. He couldn't catch any animals. And then he had a firestick which went out when he tried to cross a river. So now the shellfish water and fire were discovered

to not be friends. So he's got a list on shellfish bad fire underwater. No good. Should have kept the rifle check. Dear journal, I found something terrible out about water and fire today. The rumors were true. The two will not sustain. So now he can't eat the shellfish because they're just you can't cook them. It's horrifying. Hard to find fresh water. After three days, he was pretty sure he was going to die. Then he found an abandoned aboriginal fire and he got a new fire stick. Fucking shits back. He can eat shellfish again. With food and water, he slowly recovered and figured he could live here for a few months. See the sentence, he can eat shell food again. Like, didn't he just shit himself for six

days straight? But those oysters or love me yabbies. After you shit long enough, I think, Craig, you're an expert on this. After a couple weeks of diarrhea, it just kind of gives up, right? The diarrhea? Yeah. I am going to flag, though, the person who says that they eat salmon and bacon coming off of KFC complaining about the dietary restrictions of this gentleman. He just kept eating the bad shit. I'll have KFC for breakfast. Thank you so much. Yeah. Can't believe this guy. I'll have another bucket. Thank you so much. Yeah. I mean, he's literally eating, even with all the diarrhea, he's eating better than you

are. Then you drunk, he's still eating better. So he recovers, figures he can live there for a few months. He had a new problem, though, sores. Oh, Jesus. That's not what anyone wanted to hear after that, Colin. Crab, sure. Quote, I had occasion sword and painful eruptions to break out all over my body so as to make walking very difficult and painful. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, that's when you just want to kill yourself when you're covered in sores. No, but, you know, cloth, though. I'm not going back now. Yeah, I still go back. Even though the new spot had everything he needed, including a plant that tasted like

watermelon. Was it watermelon? The only way to find out is to put fire in it. Yes. Water. This thing tastes like watermelon. He became very lonely. He had the odd run in with an odd run in with three Aboriginal men who came up and they pounded their chest and then they pounded his chest. He was like, it's so good to talk again. I'm so lonely over here. And then they wanted him to come with them. They signaled they wanted him to come with and he was scared to go with them, but afraid if he didn't that they'd do something. So he walked with them for a little while and then he somehow explained to them he wanted to go back. It's a lot of chest tapping. I will go this way.

I understand, but I'm saying no for me. No. Okay, yeah, let's keep going. They are very good salesmen. We talked my chest. No, I want to stop walking. Cut off head. No, no, no. Cut his head off. So they said go back, however they said it, go back and wait for them, but then they never returned. Well, they got lost on the way back and then they had to set up camp somewhere else. So they might have come back, but just not found them. Okay. He eventually, after just being out there for so long, decided to go back to the penal colony. He's like, fuck, I, wow. So he goes down there. But of course, Collins plan was to fucking fucking shit up and bail. So it was gone. They were already gone. They had already gone to Tasmania.

And this whole time he's on like a sore walk. He's, yeah, I mean, that's what they called it back then, a sore walk. Yeah. So it made it difficult for him to walk. So was it on his feet or is it like more like a chafing issue where there's a soles between his thighs? How about this? Where aren't the sores? Let's start there. Yeah. No, I think, I think he's got sores all over between the butt cheeks. Yeah, I think that would make it hard to walk. I don't know why. Well, if you say between the butt cheeks, I'm thinking I'm way past walking at that point. Now I'm back to shellfish. Very upset. That's what happens when you rob your sand in the sand for so long. You know, you just cartwheel back. Yeah. I don't like

any of your questions. So now he's officially marooned, like there's no chance of, he can walk to Sydney, but it's like what, 600 miles away or something. So near there, he found and he's walking back from Port Phillip and he sees a mound and there's a there's a spear in it. So he picks it up and he's like, oh, I got a fucking spear. Finally. Yeah. And he starts using it as a walking stick. Okay. And then one day, soon after that, two Aboriginal couples approached. Okay. Doing the swingers. Yeah. Feels like it. This is the first. I'm getting right away. This is the spears with the keys of the time. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We all pass around the spear and then, oh boy, I got the big tall drink of water over

here. Hello. I'm going to put this fire out. You big all over. Is everything in proportion? So they did the hit the chest thing and then they hit his chest and then they took them to their shelter and fed them. Okay. And they called him Marin Gherk, which means full of swords. Full of swords. Yes. Now they believed after death that they would return as white men. Wow. And many Aboriginal cultures across Australia, people died in their mortuary practice involves smoking the body above a fire on a platform. So someone would die, they build a platform, a pie, they'd smoke. And that. They seem to have something new of spirits or something of that nature. Right. Well, I certainly hope I come back as a white man.

That's for sure. Let us smoke you. Yeah. Yeah. You already did. Wasn't. No, that was not for you. You don't do that with every guest. Okay. Well, obviously this will be edited out. So nobody needs to worry about this. Yeah. What? Well, we all learn something today. I was, I was preparing this. So while they smoked the body, the color of their skin would turn pale due to the smoking process. Okay. So they would, they believe that after that, the spirits would then leave and they would head in the direction of Tasmania. So when white guys guys started showing up on ships from that direction, logically, it makes sense that the spirit is returned. It's also the worst and the pale as well. Yeah. It's the

worst switcheroo ever. You're like, my friend. Oh my God. No. You're back, but you're a fucking dick. Yeah. I think we overcooked him. That's our problem. We made him an asshole. Too white if you ask me. These gentlemen are far too white. Sometimes they would kill the white men appeared because they thought they were from enemy tribes. Okay. So sometimes you show up and you can't catch a break. Martin Girk had recently been killed. And now a white guy shows up carrying Martin Girk's spear. Oh, no. What? And Martin Girk was also a really tall dude. Oh, one of the chances that the one tall Aboriginal man's spear gets picked up by the one tall white man's spear. Well, then they look at him and it's like his skin

is still adjusting. He's covered in sores, but he will soon fully be white. Meanwhile, this guy's like, Oh, all right, a bit of food. Yeah, don't mind if I do. Don't mind if I bloody do. All right. Yeah, whatever you want to call me. I'm fine. Yeah. So they think that Martin Girk has been reincarnated. And he thought they were going to kill him. So they're on different wavelengths. It's really hard to translate reincarnation through chest pumping. You know what I mean? That's a tough one to sell. Yeah, heartburn. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, rising up. Yeah, through my chest. Yeah. All right. Yeah, lovely. Yeah. All right. I don't like the vibe right now. Whatever. Yeah. Got any tea? So they, they bring him

to their camp. Quote one holding my hand and the other holding the other hand. Sort of Yeah, it's like a swing his body. And you know, if you're him, you're like, Oh, absolutely. Oh, bloody hands. I mean, like holding hands is pretty weird with another adult. You just meet someone out in the wild. They're like, Come on, let's hold hands. You're like, What the fuck? Like it had to been the weirdest. Oh, yeah, especially for an English person. But if you also think you're going to get killed, you're like, I will do anything you want to do. You want PDA, you got it, my friends, you are gonna let's kiss. I don't give a shit. I don't draw lines. I'll do whatever. Can I hold your hand? No. See, it's not that weird.

It's weird. No, no. It's only weird if we don't do it for the rest of the show, deal. Please. Then it's weird. Until then, motherfucker. I have underestimated your yes and skills. We've taken this to an underestimated his what? We should start doing that. Make that just hold hands. Sure. I think he's out. I want to go. I want to go home. Not Melbourne, Sri Lanka. It's early. So they gave him food and water at the camp quote, then they all sat down and a general howling was set up around me. That's not an army military officer. Hello, I'm general howling. You'll listen to what I say and you'll get through this alive. The women crying and sobbing and tearing their faces with their nails. So he's a token of

excessive grief. So they're doing this just like he doesn't. He's like, yeah, he's like there. I should go back to my lonely mound. Does he think it's like an homage to his sores on his legs? Yeah. This is to lament the suffering he had gone through. So they're all sympathy pains. Yeah. But he has no clue what's going on. He's like, oh, they're ripping their faces off. Okay, no fucking clue. He just knows it's super violent. And quote, they ended up bloody bruised and burnt. Jesus Christ. So he's like, you guys party differently. Yeah, you're different. I party a little differently than you guys party. Yeah, so yeah, so they gave me this handkerchief. Anyway, you guys go back to what you're doing. All right, sure.

Okay. And then he wrote a script for a John Travolta Nicholas Cage movie. It was he didn't know where he got it from. This guy's like too soon, man. Mike, don't pick on face off, right? John was a fucking genius man, a bloody documentary as far as I'm concerned. Face on face off. Packers. You're such a kid. You're awesome. So you want to sit on the show? No, get up here, sit on my lap. The next the next day, the next day, William was taken to meet the rest of the tribe or more people in the tribe. The water wong was what their name is. Water wong. Water wong. Do you have any idea like he's just worried, right? Or is he starting to feel a little scared they're going to eat him. But at this point, he's

sort of like, okay, this is going pretty well. He's pretty. He realized it's going well, but he's still like, he still thinks he's going to get kind of like me right now in this podcast. Just just go with it. Yeah. Yeah. A ceremony was held around a fire, which is known as a corroboree. Corroboree. Corroboree. Fuck, you got the wrong guess for this episode. Someone who has only been in the country 14 years. I'll try my best guys. Corroboree. Corroboree. I apologize for pronouncing the O not as an aw. They were welcoming him back to the living. That's what they're doing with the corroboree. They could corroborate that, right? They were invited to a celebration with the Kumbhada,

also one of the water wong tribe. Wayne was introduced to Marin Gherk's brother-in-law and his wife. Oh, his wife. The newly widowed. No, no, his brother-in-law's wife. His family got killed in the thing Marin Gherk was killed in. There was another corroboree. Corroboree. Corroboree. How do you say it? Corroboree. I don't think you're meant to have the middle finger pointed to the crowd as you're doing a podcast. Oh, that's just instinct. Yeah. But this one ended up in an argument. Spears came out and Rasubing thrown. Oh, Jesus. William was moved to safety because he had already died once in battle, so they believed he should be spared that pain again. But he's only getting his chest tapped, right?

No, no, no. This is a fucking fight. Yeah, but now is he like... Yeah, it was a pictionary game that went wrong. Honestly, yeah. Well, now it's two different... They're in the same tribe, but they're different groups. But his grasp of the situation is... There's no idea what's happening. Right. So he is like, this is bad. I die here. So it's like one of them is asking, do you want like red wine or white wine? He's like, I don't know what you're saying. Someone just starts losing their shit. Just fucking pick something. And then all of a sudden he's getting spears chucked at him. And they're like, please come this way. You're safe over here with us. He's like, they had a panic room ready. Just put

him in there. He did notice most fights started over women. So nothing, nothing has changed. The next day, everyone moved on except for William's family and another family. So William is now just with this one, which is his family. He doesn't know it. Right. But he's still like, all right. Yeah. He's still scared they're going to eat him, but they don't eat people. So he caught a break there. And that's right. So he doesn't realize they're treating him as a family. That's right. He has no idea. They're dressing up in the guy's old clothes. Yeah. You know, feeding him his favorite food. Right. He used to love this. His old girlfriend is like, what the fuck? So days turn into months. Jesus. They normally turn into weeks.

I know. It's quite a time. It was different than in Australia. Months. And he's still just like, they're going to eat me. Months turn into years. Jesus. So he's just living with his new family. He's now, he's become close with them. He's part of the family. Over time, he learns to hunt and he learns their language through about two years to learn the language very well. They're very patient with him because they believe when you're reborn, you came back a fool. Boy, I mean, is there, their belief system could not match up better for what's happening. But it's also like, did that belief system also happen to fit the narrative of what was actually occurring? Oh, like they're just

like, they see, they see people coming who like fucking white dudes who literally don't know shit about how to be in the wilderness and like, well, that guy's a fool. Right. And it also matches this. So which one came first? When you come back white, you come back insanely ignorant, believe it or not. Shocking. I know. Hey, it's okay to be white. Hey, stop it. We voted on it. We voted on it. I'm just saying, I forgot, I forgot to wear my, it's okay to be white. You gotta start rocking. You have to wear that. Stop selling much. Create a new, you guys come back a year later. I'm a huge right wing activist. Look, this guy gets it. He knows he's actually created the white ring. He is rare.

You hear Dill's white now. Oh yeah, he's got full white. He's all white. White face. That is illegal and not okay. On behalf of our people, my goodness, still. We've been through enough. So obviously being foolish works in his favor, right? Because he doesn't know anything. So it's kind of perfect. You know, there's nothing about their life. That's why there's a protective of him when they was getting attacked. He's like, no, no, no, he doesn't know any better. Just leave him alone. He's a little boy. Well, his whole life they would be protective of him. Even other tribes wouldn't want to hurt him because he had already died once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So soon he became a decent hunter. He was good

at catching eel. He became a very good animal skinner. He liked kangaroo very much. But he really, really enjoyed emu and wombat. Those are his favorite. Two? I've had both of those for breakfast yesterday. With a little salmon and bacon. Koala, quote, are excellent eating and very much resemble pork in flavor. Pork in flavor. Don't look at me. It's awful. I hope he gets mouth chlamydia. Burns when he barfs. Kangaroo. I mean, talk about the easiest capture ever. Oh, they're asleep. Cut his head off. There we go. Next. It's like picking fruit. Yeah. They're just in trees there. Hey, you my friend? Nope. Sink. Alrighty. Everyone's ready to go. One time the family killed two large dogs and cooked them. They

handed William a leg, which was supposed to be the very best part of the dog. Quote, I could not fancy it. He refused to eat it and everyone thought it was hilarious. He came back so dumb. He's so dumb he won't eat the dog. You foolish, foolish man. He is so stupid now. Look at how white and dumb he is. We will call you dumb asshole. So when he, okay, I'm assuming at some point he will learn the language and be like, he knows the language. He does it. Man, days became years. That's right. So he's now, what's his issue with the dog? He just had pets as dogs and now he's like, I don't want this one. Yeah, he came from like a world where people had dogs as pets. He gets up and he's like, row, row.

So they, but wait, when he's learning the language, is he not hearing the narrative they've constructed and he's sort of just like, yeah, okay, I'll go with it. Yeah, he's going with everything. He learned all the words except the word dumbass. There was a bit of translations. He learned all their social norms and all their things and he made sure not to like talk about Jesus or God or anything that would sort of come up against their belief system. Like he just went with the flow of everything. So because he wouldn't eat dog, they assumed he had a new white guy palette and then he traded his dog leg for a piece of kangaroo. And the guy he traded with just kept laughing at him for making

such a shit deal. But to me, that is such a like, I like, it's so dumb, the lines we draw where we're like, well, no, because it lived in our house. We can't eat it. No, it totally doesn't. So especially if you're in that situation where in the wild, like, fuck, what difference does it make? Yeah, if you're like, no, he koalas. Yeah, I'll eat dog. Sure. Give me what he got. Let's do it. I'll eat you guys. Let's party. I'm having some fun. Woo. That last part was a little too far. I'll eat anybody. I'll eat myself. Cook it up. Yama,

Yama. Also a very good episode of the Simpsons. The dog dog's trading to kangaroo. That was the original paper clip for a house. That guy who went around. Remember that guy? No, let's move on. On the contrary, God damn it. What a man traded paper clip for a house. He just he just drifted into some Sri Lankan stuff that no one. Paper clip house guy. You know the guy you give a paper clip to and then you have a house? Do you own a house and hate it? Well, then I've got a solution for you. Paper clips.

If I get one person to do it, I'm a genius. I don't eat dog. I'm almost happy with how it shook out. He's, he's incredibly convinced it was a good, a good piece of comedy there. That part I'm not sure about. But the fact that you don't know the story is what's bumming me out. What did he do? It's like Sri Lankan currency all of a sudden.

What is the paper clip for a house guy? You know this. No, they don't know the story. Oh, they did know the story. Even worse, they knew it. They didn't think it was funny at all. What if he came out and he's white? All right. So this is his life. Right? This is the life he's been living for a while. He's lived with his brother-in-law and his brother-in-law's wife. Sort of.

Quote, almost entirely naked, sleeping on the ground month after month, year after year, deprived of all the decencies and comforts of life. Still I lived on. Okay. How are the souls at this point? A few sores. I'm sure he's got some sores. Sure. William learned about their traditions, society, and lost all concept of time. At one point,

he came across one was fellow escapees. Oh, no. Existing on that. Existing on everything. William, my old friend. How are you? That's pounding his chest furiously. Yeah. No, I'm actually, they smoked me and I came back. Shut the fuck up. No, we came over on a boat together.

I think you have me mistaken for someone else, my friend. No, no, we came over on a boat. No, no, we did not. I've never seen you before. You were going to conquer this place. No, we were not. Kill everybody. Shut up. Shut your mouth. I would never do that. I brought you a cult with you as well.

I don't know what that is. I would never. Get out of here. Make yourself scarce. He is your favorite kettle? Hello, governor. Does that ring a bell? Oh, my God, no. Does that ring a bell? Yes, horribly. Yeah, I was going to take the kettle because I love tea, but then you came

over here. Have you tried the dog? I have my limits. So the other escapee is living with another tribe on the coast. Is he in the same boat where he's like, yeah, I know, I don't know what's going on. So William talks a minute coming to live with him, but he's a fucking asshole, and he's especially behaving poorly towards the women. Which is what a lot of the...

Fights started over. Right. Right. So William seemed way too many fights started over women, so he told the guy to leave. He's like, bro, go back to your coast, people, because you're not cool. A little while later, he heard a report that the man had been killed over a fight with a woman. The other escapee, he never heard of what happened.

So those guys are... Gone, probably. After many years living with his brother-in-law and the wife, they were killed fighting another tribe. So his adopted family, they killed. William was devastated. It was the worst pain he ever felt in his life. My sister and bro.

Yeah. What? It's his sister and bro. Yeah, at this point, he's literally been there for years. They had two kids, they had a blind boy and a young girl. So he took care of them, or he tried to. But then this other kid came to stay with him, and the kid got sick and died, and then the family came to get him, and they were like, you...

How'd he die? And he said, sleeping in the tent with a blind boy. So they killed the blind boy. Jesus. Wait, sorry. You got it. It's just something you got to do. David what?

So there's a kid came to stay with them, he got sick, right, and he'd been sleeping in the tent with a blind boy or the hut with a blind boy. And so, you know, you got to take care of that business. You got to kill him. It was clearly the blind kid's fault. Yes. How could it not be? He didn't see that coming.

Oh, boy. Logie award winner. How the Logie was won. So then the girl became of a certain age, she had been promised to a man, so she went off to the man. So he's alone again. Okay. He's now been living in the bush for around 25 years.

Wow. So... It's going ahead. It's a while, right? Yeah. The group shows up and they decide William should be married. Okay. And so without asking, they give him a young widow who was around 20 years old.

Okay. Wow. How old is he at this point? Like 50, 45? Well, okay, so it's a good question. It's hard to tell because the years are sort of, it's just sort of estimating... It's like his height. Later.

It's really hard to tell back then. But he's too old for a 20-year-old. Still it's hot. No. They made all the gossip sites. After a couple of months, some men came and one of them was like, she's come with me and she's like, okay, I'll go with him. And they took her and then William followed them and he complained.

He's like, this isn't fucking cool. She's my wife. Hopefully he sent it a little more like... Yeah. I'm sure he is a little more. I'm not putting, I'm not acting. You're not acting right now. I'm in that area.

I'd love to see her try. Like what would he... That, she's mine. I gave her to me. Come on, you guys. Okay. Do you know why? I've been like 25 years or something.

No, no, no. Sounds less cool for sure. Do you have any idea how long I was jerking off? Oh, shit. I like her too. I mean, lead with that. I think you start with... Fuck, no wonder she wanted to leave.

I'm sick of whacking off of the hut alone and I have feelings for this one. Quick addendum. So the guy who had taken her threw a spear at her and killed her. Oh, Jesus. Well, then... Then no one... Yeah, no one went. Right.

So everybody's back to hut baiting. Yeah. So now he's, now he's back to, now he's Louis C.K. back in his hut. Well... Oh, that's not true. She's not there. Oh, that's not true. She's not there.

Yeah, no. Never mind. There's no woman there for him to jerk off around. So he's not Louis C.K. Well, there's... He'd be doing more like what I do. Normal masturbating alone. Yeah.

Yeah. Just FaceTiming the guy you do a podcast with. A regular gentleman does. Yeah. Louis C.K. has a wallaby trap and he's like, ah, you like that. Yeah. Well, then if that happened, they would be like, also, if you overcook them, they come back and they block doorways while masturbating.

It's a... They're terrible. You really want to smoke the right amount to make them a white that comes back. More years passed. 30 years have gone by. William became known as a man who brokered peace between tribes. He's well-liked. He's treated well.

He's a guy who, like, he would go out on attack raids, but he would never fight because they didn't expect him to. They just wanted him to sort of be there. If another tribe saw him, they would be like, oh, I can't shoot that guy. He already died. This is a great role. Throw it at him. What a great position to be in.

Yeah. Yeah. So he's just kind of like a... So he just shows up for war and he's like, ah, I'll just stand in the middle. Good luck, everybody. Yeah. Well, he'd hide. He'd hide.

He'd hide. Do the thing, bind a tree or whatever, but he wouldn't actually take part. Quote. Quote, I frequently...Even back then, he had white privilege. It really is like a weird standard for the white person in this situation. He's just be like, don't hurt the white man. He's been through enough. Poor white man.

It's true, though. You guys have any idea how much we suffer? Eric Clapton invented the blues. Blondie invented rap. I mean, we've done it all. If we frame it right. So, quote, I frequently entertained them while sitting around campfires with accounts of English people, houses, ships, great guns, et cetera.

What do you mean? He's just telling stories? Yeah, so he's also like a storyteller. But his story is that he's not English, right? But I think they see that as like the place of the dead. So when he tells them these stories to them, that's... By the way, I think most of us still seem to think of England as the place of the dead. All right.

Yeah. What are you fancy name? Are your teeth okay? Yeah. Why? Sorry. I just look like a corpse's mouth. I'm sorry.

Let's start marrying outside the family. Wow. What a novel idea for 1990. Big year, 1990. The year the sparse girls came around and we decided to marry outside of the genetic code of our own. Looky-us. It's all foggy.

They're walking around with like potatoes, weird mouths. They're dead. That's Ireland. That's like the beginning of thriller. Well, you just described Ireland, not England. That's great Britain, I would say, is fair. More like Britain. Seriously, what other country?

So they loved his stories. They thought they were fucking crazy. He told them he wanted to return to his people every once in a while and they would cry and act grief-stricken. Like that was a terrible thing to hear because that meant he wanted to die again to them. He was saying he wanted to die. Okay. He was just depressed.

Yeah. Yeah, basically to them. So he chose not to take part in combat. Like I said, he avoided politics. Being dead was, he was excused from all that kind of stuff. He was very... You want to go hunting? No, I just...

Hey, died. Oh, of course you died. Yes, stay here. Stay here. Hey boss, can't come in tomorrow. What's wrong? Is it that you died that one time? I did die.

Yeah, do not come in tomorrow. You do not need to be here. You died that one time and you are all set. Honey, I don't think I can do this anymore. It's just that, you know, I died that one time. Of course. Yeah, I would never expect that of you. You know, you died that one time for sure.

That happened. They smoked you to white. No, I don't want to do another shot. I'm not doing another shot. Come on, pussies, party! I died. I died in that. We'll do yours for you.

It's a testament to you. To you, man. We'll pull one out for you. Yeah, yeah. Anything better, because that last one was bad. Jesus, I feel like I just died. So I became very skilled as a spear fisherman and hunting. Quote, I became as skilled as any of them at spearing kangaroo or fish.

Okay. So there was a colony that he could have gone to, but he didn't. He didn't want to leave the people he'd come so close to. One day he saw a couple of aboriginal guys carrying a flag. Okay. Got a flag on a stick. Sure. He asked them about it, and they said there's a ship in the harbor, and when gnomes around,

they swam out and climbed up and stole the flag. The fucking best. The best. Little prankin'. So great. Captured the flag. The slave is just like, we got a flag, and the English are like, what the... Just heads exploding.

They took our flag. That's our goddamn colored sheet. They're just jumping off the boat. Drive yourself now, gentlemen. The flag's gone. It's over. William's triggered, because you know what happens when a clot gets stolen? Don't do it, guys.

The fools. You'll end up in... Well, actually, come back here. Never mind. Do it. Do your thing. Do your thing. It's great.

It's a circle. So the ship had left three white men and six black men behind who had built two huts, and then the ship had taken off. He said that the guys had lots of other food, weapons, and other stuff. The two aboriginal guys said they were going to find a tribe that they knew who would come back and help them kill the white guys and take all their shit. Okay. Right.

So William's like... Do you have to kill them all? What? What? Well, just love the plan. Let's get them. Come on. Ra-ra.

Do they have to die? Or could you just... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. They've got to die. They've got a lot of stuff. Yeah. They've got a lot of stuff. Maybe you just take the stuff, let them live. It's a rough way to do it. Take the things.

Leave them there. Oh, embarrassment. Oh, off the charts. Just don't kill them. My God. Come on. Right in the heart. Yeah.

Yeah. Right in the heart. Yeah. All right. You're acting pretty white. Me? What? Pretty white right now.

Me? Super white. Very white. I'm not white. You look like those guys. Yeah. They were essentially, they also were burned and reincarnated. Unless that's a sticking point, then they weren't.

You know what? I'll kill them. Let's kill them. Yeah. Kill them. Kill them. Give me that dog. Yeah.

Yeah. I love dog. That dog wasn't cooked. Good planning, bastard. Shit, dog. You just bit Bob's live dog. Just love dog. You know, when you want a bit of dog.

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, you eat it. You've got the live. I get like sushi. Yeah. Yeah. Fresh off.

Yeah. Love the fur. Any who's old. Be. So you're okay with the killing? Yes. Very good. Yeah.

Turn him our key on that. Absolutely. Yeah. Kill them. I'm going to try to go warn the white men. But he knew if he did, he would be seen as treachery by the other Aboriginal guys. I think you just lay back in this situation. Yeah.

So he walked the day to the white guys. He saw the British flag flying on a pole when he got there. And when he arrived, there were Aboriginal men around the fire talking to the white guys. Now they had pitched their tents nearby and William walked up, sat down around the fire. He's wearing, he's got his spears and other war tools. He puts it in his leg. Easy that you'd really gestured penis for those of us listening. Yeah.

War spears. His tool is war spear. He's got a kangaroo skin on. He's been living in the bush for years. He's super fucking tan now because he's mad out there forever. They, the white guys cannot figure out what in the fuck this guy is. Yeah. For sure.

Intern? What's your deal? So one of the white guys starts asking William questions, but it's been so long since he's heard English, he cannot understand what the guy is saying. Wow. Yeah, right. Some more chest-banging stuff now. More chest-banging.

Yeah. So then the guy offers him bread. And bread clicks in his head, like bread is a word, the first word he understands. So a cloud appeared to pass from over my brain, and I soon repeated that, and then other English words after. So it's starting to fucking come back. Bread. Tea.

Spoiler alert, because if you wrote all this stuff in that language, obviously it fully came back eventually. Wow. Way to fuck up the whole story. No one knew. Way to take it out of the moment. No one knew that. But he's saying stuff like, go now.

No. And biscuits. That's remembering cricket? Un-teach him. Bang is in mash. Un-teach him. Cricket. 14.

Don't touch me. So somehow he managed to explain he had not been born in Australia, but he had been born in England. So the men took him back to their tent for tea and biscuits and some meat. Oh no, this is just going to turn him right away. He's just going to become English right away. Some tea and biscuits and meat. Tea.

Biscuits. Meat. Biscuits. Meat. Bit of tea. Spot of tea. Yeah. Bit of tea.

Splash of milk. Yeah. One sugar cube. Yeah. One lamp. Yeah. Yeah. Tea.

Biscuits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Meat. Of course. Yeah. Come on then, villa.

Relegated. He slept that night in their tent. He was overjoyed. So he's now... Well, they're like... So they're in a strange place and there's a dude who's been living with Aboriginal people forever. So this guy is someone they can use.

Well, also imagine their plight where they don't expect him to speak English and all of a sudden, like, you know, what an asset he would be. Yeah, but I think for him, it's kind of a dick move, right? Sure. But remember, he's trying... Sorry, we're just so accustomed to the white man being the worst. It's like, oh yeah, of course. No, he's the worst.

So he's seeing this from both angles. So he's seeing this, that these guys had a big ship with a lot of fucking people on it and so they could kill these dudes, but that doesn't mean another group of dudes isn't going to roll it and fucking kill people. So he sees it from both sides. Right. So he sleeps, like he said, in the tent, overjoyed that night, but still anxious about everyone's safety.

So they think William is a lost sailor that had gotten lost years before. He got more of his language back and found out they were planning to stay in Victoria. Okay. Quote, they had seen several of the native chiefs with whom they had exchanged all sort of things for land. But I knew they could not have been since they have no chiefs claiming or possessing any superior right over soil. So these guys are saying they bought land from chiefs, but first of all, there are no

chiefs. That's a problem. Yeah. And then... Second of all, there's no land to sell. There's just like family heads, but there's no official guy that can like roll up and be like, yeah, I'll sell you the land. So he's like all the old playing me now.

Well he knows there's some sort of fucking game afoot, right? So like I said, there's only heads of family. They don't really have a concept of being able to sell land. Like land is a thing that exists for you to hunt on and live on, but it's hard to... There were no paperclips back then, so... Right. Yeah. Again, I'm not sure if we're getting on board the paperclip train.

I feel like you're just... Well, that's how you trade land. No, I don't know. Sri Lanka sounds like a fucking crazy, super crazy country because I feel like if I rolled in with like a suitcase full of paperclips, I own that motherfucker right now, but that's how this sounds. Gonna own every house here. All they want there is to put paper together.

Imagine. Civilly. So selling it's crazy. Selling land is crazy. So William decided this is a bullshit move by the white guys to steal country from native inhabitants. And he's very aware of colonialism and its effects at this point. So they told them that the ship was coming back with supplies and a lot more people.

Right. Which is what he was worried about. So he knew even if these guys were killed, more people were coming. So he stayed with the white guys constantly to stop the other originals from killing them. So he's like, now he's like, don't kill these guys because what comes if you kill them might be worse. Right, right, right, right.

So then the other tribe showed up, the one that the two guys went to get, the ones that were gonna fucking wipe them out. And they see how few Europeans are that are there. They see three guys who are like, let's fucking kill these guys right now. And William told them to stop. And they said, look, if you help us with the attack, you're cool. If you don't, we'll kill you. Okay.

So it's time. All of a sudden? Yeah. He's in a tough spot. Yeah. No. Mediation is about to fall through. If he told the settlers of the tribe's plan, they might attack first.

So he convinced the tribes to wait for the ship to come back. This is like that puzzle where you go, I have a chicken and a fox and a bag of hay. Which one do I leave first? I've got to cross the river. This guy's caught. He's fucked. Sounds a little like breakfast from what I'm hearing. So he convinces the tribes to wait saying that a ship is coming back and when the ship

comes back, they'll have more stuff to plunder. So for days, he keeps having to convince them to hold off on attacking because they keep going, dude, where's the fucking ship? Let's kill these guys. It drags on and then one day he pulls a gun on the tribe and points it to a guy's head. Does he remember to use a gun at this point? It's been 35 years. It is.

Apparently he does. So he holds it to the guy's head and he says he killed the first man who harmed the white strangers. Wow. Just wait till the ship comes. So if the ship finally comes, the Aboriginal guys are ecstatic because they're like, oh, he was telling the truth. There's more shit coming.

Two men come ashore and a lot of fucking dudes. And it's John Wedge and the Port Phillip Associate Surveyor and also Henry Batman, brother of John Batman. I see. That's the bad Batman. Hank. Bad man. Hank.

There were very shocked to see William. William hid the truth that he was an escaped convict. And Batman asked William if he would help negotiate and work with the Aboriginal people. That's the job for the commissioner. Did he? Yeah. He would have done the voice as well. Can you help us?

Yeah. The dark white rises. So this is obviously complicated. So the treaty of Batman with the tribes had quote, that he would quote, bought the land was for a jajarung water, jajarung water, right? So there were three tribes, the jajarung, the water were rung, and the water rung. And he was part of the water rung. That was the tribe even living with all these years.

The other two tribes were enemy tribes. But Batman had made a deal with just the water rung and he's like, we got all your stuff. Sorry to cut you off, Dave. I think they're giggling every time you say Batman. If only there was an Aussie on stage so you can clarify. Oh no, we know who Batman is. Is it Batman? Why are you giggling?

Is it Batman or Batman? It's Bruce Wayne. Yeah. What are they saying? What is it? What's your problem? Craig, what is it? Okay.

So they're just giggling at Batman. Yeah, yeah. They get it. I get it. Sorry. My apologies. I was trying to be helpful. Turns out you just mean.

No, no. Yeah, yeah. They're, yeah. There's a group. They're trying to do like a spelling contest in front of five year olds. So Batman, there's a thing, there's this cool underlying white supremacy thing where white people make fun of other people's pronunciation. That's a historical thing.

Don't worry about it, you're fine. It's totally normal. But Batman only... Have a crack at Jai Singh again. So Batman only brought it from the water room people. So he paid one tribe, there was enemies with the other tribes. And that is not the one that... If you have, if you have, if there's three houses in the neighborhood and one of them,

and they all hate each other and they go out and they fight each other and then the dude rolls in and says, I'm going to buy all the houses and gives them money to one house. That's what's happened. Okay. Gotcha. So even then you can't buy land, so on top of that all, none of it makes sense. So now... Sounds like the housing market.

So now, he's water rung. So the water were rung, people see him as an enemy and have zero interest in engaging with them as a negotiator or an interpreter. And because he was so quick to jump back in with the colony people, the water rung people, these people now are seeing him as suspicious. See this, yeah, he's playing too many games. So they hired him as official job is to help smooth things over with a bunch of people who not totally don't trust him.

So William was also just generally difficult to get along with and he was reluctant to give information to colonists because he didn't want any harm to come to Aboriginal people. So on top of all this, he's trying to play a game where no one gets hurt. Right, his intentions are fairly pure at this point, isn't he? He's trying to avoid mass murdering from either side. Yeah, yeah, he's lived with these people, he loves these people, he respects these people. He doesn't like... He was a prisoner.

Yeah, well he saw what happened with Collins at New South Wales, so he's like, fuck that. Yeah, he doesn't like colonists. He thinks they're the worst. But he also knows that when they come, they fucking come hard. Like Louis C.K. in a coffee-cloth doorway, like Louis C.K. blocking a door, or just being anywhere, or just maybe he asked Sarah Silverman and she said yes, because she wants to normalize sexual assault. Well, that's your best case scenario for this game.

I think I'm going to stop drinking again. So he's reluctant to give information to the colonists because he doesn't want any harm to come out. Original people. And his reluctance was taken by a lot of Brits as a sign that William was stupid. So he's like having a hug you're going, yeah, I don't know, I don't know if they'd do that. And then they're like, this guy's a fucking idiot. So both sides, he's a moron.

Yeah, yeah, he's totally fucked. He has a lot of critics in the colonial world, right? So all these people are coming over and starting to set up and they all think he's a fucking moron. Well, his intellect, if he ever possessed much, had almost entirely deserted him, and nothing of any value could be procured from him, respecting the history and manners of the tribe with whom he had so long dwelt. He was a tall, ungainly man and altogether his looks were not in his favor.

Jesus. Why you got to shred the dude like this? Yeah. This is like, hold on. Say he's a bad negotiator. You don't need to like come at him like that. He had a bushy head of hair, black hair, low forehead with overhanging eyebrows. This is getting rude.

Nearly concealing his small eyes and short snub nose. Just say he looks like a giant garfunkle and get it over with. A face very much marked by smallpox. Please don't say anything about a mustache. It was just such a man as one would suppose to commit burglary or murder. I mean, there's a lot of speculation in this. That's classic. That is like TMZ.

That level of criticism. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Always got overhanging eyebrows. You know what that means? Robber. So he's trying to play all these angles.

He's trying to do this job of being an interpreter. John Wedge really liked William or at least he pretended to like him because he saw him as a means to an end, right? Wedge wanted to show that the colonists wanted to have friendly relations with Aboriginal people. Okay. That's what he wanted the world to think. John.

Wedge is known for heroically saving, heroically saving a young Aboriginal boy from drowning in the sea. That's like one of the legendary heroic acts of John Wedge. The part they leave out of the story is that the group he was with had just murdered the boy's mother in front of him and the boy ran into the sea and then when the boy washed up he revived him and then took the boy to live with him instead of returning him to his tribe. So what are bedtime stories would you like?

Jesus. Everyone at Hoogle got murdered? Everyone. Oh, fucking dead. It stopped rhyming halfway through. I stopped reading it. Here's the thing. Once a Grinch tastes blood.

It's on. Why does the cover say that he stole Christmas and you say that he ate human? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he stole Christmas in a sense that he killed them all and drank their blood on Christmas Day. What? So Christmas morning, instead of presents being opened up and children finding tons

of stuff, it was just who blood everywhere. It was a bloody who massacre. Good night, Daddy. Open mom in. Why the eggs green? No. You know I can't send your mom in. You know how we do this.

You do not fucking break eye contact on New Year's Eve. Put clothes on. Just put clothes on. I will not put clothes on. Please. It is New Year's Eve. Turn the light off or put clothes on or stop talking. One of the three.

Our family has a tradition. I don't think it does. Grandpa said that was a lie. I stand naked, covered in blood, all New Year's Eve. In the morning you wake up and if you dare, if you fucking dare, you try to go get those presents. I don't want the presents anymore in the background. Oh no, the balls are going to drop.

This is where the balls drop. This is where he drops his balls. No, no, no. Oh, all flags, I never end. Please go on forever. Yeah, one nice thing to tell you, son. I don't want to hear any more things you have to tell me. We're Jewish.

You want the nightline on or just... So John Wedge... Did you say whoish or Jewish? So John Wedge had the idea that being friends with the aboriginals, at least on principle, was a desirable thing to do. I would get them the support of the British Empire. I like how that's a revelation. Maybe we try to be nice.

Is that crazy? Well, it's more of a front. Right. We try to think that they're being friendly as opposed to massacring everybody, and then it's better for trade and the colony... It's good PR. It's good PR. It's an unrelatable situation.

Never happened again. Nope. And Wedge saw William as an opportunity to make that happen. William was the great potential bridge in the divide. What a great nickname. You're the great potential bridge. So John Wedge and William became friends, and William eventually told him of his actual background of escaping from the penal colony.

Okay. You're the cloth guy? Yes, I'm clothy. I was actually just handing it off, too. Anyway, here we are 40 years later, quite a ride. Quite a ride. Oh my God. My wife got spear...

Never mind. I'll tell you. It's really weird. It was a widow. I shit for a week from shellfish. There's more. So John Wedge said he'd try to get him a pardon. He'd work to get him a pardon.

And then William works as an interpreter, rarely left, because he was worried fighting would erupt. That's a weapon. Yep. So only in Australia did he get an applause break for opening a beer. Yeah. It's pretty sad. Yeah.

He said it took me five seconds. They were like, stupid monkey, man. He doesn't know what he's doing. Look at him up there with his dumb little face. To be fair, you've already died and come back, and you're so stupid. Look at him. I forgot how to open beer. He doesn't eat dog.

He doesn't know how to open beer. A silly white man forget beer. Sorry. Are you Tarzan? No. What? He's not Tarzan. Don't.

You are not Tarzan. I think they're right to be offended by what you said. Someone has been on the other end of this, no. So William Buckley received a quote free pardon from Governor Arthur on the 25th of August, 1835, exactly 32 years since he arrived. But it wasn't done because they appreciated his help working with the tribes. Which had written to Governor Arthur, quote, I feel that I scarcely need advert to the danger that would in tune the lives of those who may in future reside here by his being

to despair by the refusal of this petition. What happens? So he's worried. He wedges writing to the governor and saying that they should be worried if they refuse his pardon. Okay. This would probably induce him to join the natives again. And in which event there's no calculating on the mischief that might ensure on the hostile

feelings that he would have in his power to instill in the breasts of the natives. Really? I love that he called it mischief. Makes it sound so cute when it's just like, oh, that might kill us. You know, a bit of mischief. Mischief was different back then. But this wasn't the narrative they told William. He was shown his pardon along with a flattering testimonial thanking him for his services.

Oh, William, we are mighty impressed. You are great. Well, he was very grateful. So now he's basically kind of becoming a colonial. He's working for the government as an interpreter and a guide, which he didn't like doing. William told tribes if they went to the settlement, they would get things like blankets and knives. So things are going on like this for months. He's trying to keep the tribes from attacking.

He's also trying to get the tribe stuff. He's threading that line. Sure. He's paid 50 pounds a year and also rations. He would help with expeditions. But he didn't get along with the colonials. He didn't trust them. He didn't agree with what they were doing.

He'd come over and chains as a convict and was forced to work. So he's not one of them. Once he was given the task of directing people from Melbourne to Geelong. So they all set out on horseback. The people said the entire trip from Melbourne, they tried to talk to William. And all he would do was grunt. And he didn't want to have anything to do with it. I'm trying to ride here.

Stopped backseat drivers. They're fucking annoying. So he didn't want anything to do with it. You okay up there, William? You cool? What's your favorite part of being out here? It's a good cafe in Geelong Lake. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's good. Oh, it is good. There's one called Guidance. That's weird, right? That's what I'm doing right now. Yeah. So when we get there, we'll hit that place up. They make a really nice latte.

Oh, that sounds great. Do you have any caprisis? Oh, sorry. How's the dog? The what? The dog. I wanted it with a slice of bacon. Did you say dog?

Dog? Dog? Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Did you say dog? Dog? Dog. Is this snatch? Dog. Do they have dog? Have they got dog?

Yeah. They're pet. How is it? Is it good dog? The fuck you talking about? I like a bit of dog. No, we don't eat dogs. I eat dogs.

No, you don't. Oh, bloody well do eat dogs. I like dogs. You're a fucking column. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog.

Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Don't be a columnist. I don't care. I'm not gonna be painted in any corner by you. I like a bit of dog.

I like a tea, two cubes, bit of milk and a fucking dog. Alright just cause it's bloody cold guidance, doesn't mean I need yours, mate. Now get me my bloody dog burger. They don't serve dog there. And I want Mushy Peas. What? Mushy peas and dog, eh, eh, grunty. How the fuck did you get here to...

That's a funny story, really. You've heard it a million times. So at one point on this journey, they stopped for a rest and they offered William a pickled beef sandwich, but he was like, I'm not going to eat that. I'm eating dog and I'm against English cuisine still. I'm so not eating that. And then they watched as he walked over to a tree

and dug some bark beetle grubs out and just started eating them instead. Higher protein. So they were like, oh, uh... That's a sandwich. And he's eating beetles. Beetle grubs. Are they like baby beetles?

Beetle mania. But he beetles back there. So he's different. He's different. Sure. Right. As illustrated during the lunch break. So, whoa, let's get that. Sorry.

Okay. So then when they got to the Werribee River, he was supposed to take them all the way to Geelong and he just got to the river and he just pointed and went, it's that way. And then he left. Worst Uber driver ever. Worst cars.

You swear to God it's in here? Yeah. Get out. But it's too far to point and go, it's right there. But he just took off and they were like, what the fuck? Maybe because of his height, he could see it, but they couldn't. Maybe.

Now, some white men and some of the Aboriginal men from Sydney started getting a little too familiar with local women in the tribes around the area. One woman told William she was captured by a shepherd and kept tight up. So William told Joseph Jellybrand that the tribes didn't take a lot of shit when it came to their ladies and that for everyone's sake, this kind of shit should stop.

So the shepherd was fired and sent away. And this is a warning for everyone to behave. Now, Captain Lonsdale came and assumed command of the colony and he kept William on as an interpreter and as a attendant. But things were unraveling. Two shepherds tried to kidnap an Aboriginal woman. They were killed. Yeah.

Agreed. That's right. But it doesn't end well. Actually restrictions. It doesn't end well. Yeah. An Aboriginal man suspected of robbery was tied to a tree and shot.

So things started to unravel. Sure. There's more colonists coming. The fucking cultures are coming together. And then of course at this time there's tons of violence out in the frontier, you know, the fucking edge. And William's losing control here. He couldn't do anything.

He was trying but he couldn't do anything. So Jelly Brandon and another solicitor left Geelong for Melbourne on horseback but had not arrived yet. And William and some men went to search. And they followed the tracks and they found a tribe was camped. And he questioned them but the white guys got in the middle. And they would, the tribe would only talk to William alone and the white guys wouldn't allow William to talk to the tribe alone.

So instead of finding out what happened, they left. So then William asked Lonsdale if he could go on his own and Lonsdale said yes. So the next day he went to get on his horse but his horse had been hamstrung. As they cut the bottom leg. Probably not going to use that as a term relating to things I'm going through anymore.

Oh, you didn't know what that meant? No. Yeah, it's like cutting the Achilles' heel on a... Was it breakfast time? Yep. It's breakfast time. Cook it up and give me a little salmon, son. So William took a boat to Geelong

and it didn't take him long to find out an aboriginal man and his daughter had been shot and killed by other aboriginal men who were with Jellybrand. Well, you're really bringing this strong home. Yep, coming home. Everything's heating up. The killing's very much upset William. He considered them atrocious acts of oppression. And William was becoming more and more disillusioned with this life he was caught in.

Seriously? Soon after, an aboriginal man helped a new arrival, a carpenter who had come into Geelong. And as a reward, the carpenter gave him an old coat and a pair of trousers. A few days later, he was wearing the clothes. When a newly arrived ship captain... Oh, no. Oh, shit. ...claimed the coat belonged to a Mr. Hess who had vanished with Jellybrand.

The captain said the marks on the coat arm were obviously blood and the aboriginal man was charged with murder. Now, William was made to be the interpreter by the court and he took it upon himself to find the carpenter. So he went out and searched. And just by happenstance, he's holding the coat. He's talking to a chief constable and the carpenter walks by and goes, That's my jacket.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And the carpenter verifies that he'd given it to an aboriginal man and the spots weren't blood. They were paint because he was a carpenter. So the aboriginal man was released. But William was, like, freaked out. Did he get to keep the jacket, though?

I think we're all wondering the fate of the jacket. Is it round? Is it not around? Did it find matching pants? Was it a three-piece? What kind of carpenter's painting? That's a little out of your jurisdiction, I believe. A red table doesn't sound right. It does not.

So William thinks, obviously, there's not a lot of trust happening here. Really? So he's got his finger on the pulse a little bit. But he feels like pretty soon fingers are going to be pointed towards him. Right. Don't tell me I'm just a beetle guy. He'll be the guy in the coat, so to speak. He'll be Cody. So in December 1837, he moved to Hobart Town.

He was living there. One day he was given a free ticket to a theater. And at the end of the performance, a performer came over and asked if he'd like to sit on stage the next time. They had a performance. Does he like the dollop? He said yes. That's what this is. Hopefully Hobart.

And he said absolutely. The next day he learned he was going to be, quote, exhibited as the huge Anglo-Australian giant. Jesus. So he declined the offer. Yeah, once he heard the title. He was appointed by assistant to the storekeeper as the assistant to the storekeeper at the immigrant's home. And there he became friends with the family. Now the husband went to Sydney on a trip where he was killed.

So William offered to marry the widow, because that's what you do. Well, sure. Now how many times has he been married to widows at this point? It's his angle. I mean, that's what he's after. Just two. Oh, well, okay. Oh, yeah, true.

Yeah, the first one was not actually his wife. He was the average. Sorry. But then he was widowed to her shortly after. Correct, yes. Double. Go ahead. Sorry.

They married in March 1840. She was super short. She couldn't even reach his arm when they were walking. Oh, man. What? Yeah, I mean. Sorry. Even we could reach.

How? I think she was. Unless she was going for the arm that got shot off. Can't reach it. Honey up. Maybe he had tiny arms. Yeah, I would be great. Oh my God.

Boy, so they're just like a match made in Guinness book heaven. So that. What do you two talk about? Throw in a. That year when him came down with typhus, his wife nursed him back, but he never fully recovered in 1850. He was off. It was pensioned off his job at the female factory where they made

females. Yep. Um, he was to receive only 12 pounds a year after it is as his pension. He narrated his life, his narrated his life story to a journalist which was published in 1852 as the life and adventures of William Buckley. 32 years of wander amongst the aborigines of the then unexplored

country around Port Phillip. Now the province of Victoria. That's like, I think we've heard the book. Inspiration. Don't be a menace in the hood. Once more. Yeah. Uh, in the book, it stated, uh, without William, the settlers at

Port Phillip would have had great difficulties. It also claimed Sir Richard Bork had granted. B York. B-O-U-R-K is Burke. Burke. Yeah, just checking. Uh, it also claimed Sir Richard Burke had granted William 200 acres of land, but he never got it.

He was trying to shame the government, so he wouldn't live his last days in poverty. And after the book came out, the Victoria government upped his pension to 40 pounds a year, which was still a tiny sum because the gold rush was on. Just before Christmas 1855, William fell out of his carriage and lost the use of his limbs. Hey, all of them?

Yeah, all of them. Uh, so he didn't, he didn't land well. Yeah. Yeah. The tall of the tree, the big of the full. Yup. His wife was like, finally we can talk. Oh.

Hello, William. It's me. Your wife. I didn't know it was so cold down here. It's freezing. That's what I've been saying the whole time. I'm freezing. It's so breezy.

It's very breezy, and it's very cold. And I've been very unhappy for our entire marriage. Good God. Tall men just don't listen. Uh, on the 18th of January, his case was quote, diagnosed as hopeless. Well, who's the guy who comes over for that? Well, it's bedside men, I ever.

Yeah, just like the shit doctor. Well, you're hopeless. What do I have? Hopelessness. It's over. You're done, you are. You're not a dog. I lost a dad to hopelessness.

Yeah. William Buckley died on January 31st, 1856, at the age of 76. Holy shit. He was pretty old for back then. And for that tall as well. That's right. Giants usually lived around 30. Yeah.

Yeah, because they got a lot more out of their... I got nothing. Especially fighting giants. Yeah, sure. Is this the one with the book where you got the book last minute? No. Oh, no, it's a different one. This sounded like autobiographical.

This was he... Yeah, a lot of this came from his book. Oh, so it could be all bullshit. It could be just him going, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then at one point, we started beating our chest and they gave me a dog. I know. Crazy.

They've never done it since. What did you say, William? Well, I said no. I don't eat it. Yeah, so the stuff of him living out in the wild, you have to believe his story. Yeah. But the rest of the other stuff that happens in Port Phillip,

that's backed by other people. There's no other story to corroborate or corroborate, as you would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, that's crazy. For, yeah, it's not as... When I got asked to do this, I was like, all right, this is going to be quite a journey

with some pretty dark stuff. Not as dark as I thought you should be. No, no, this one's not that bad. I mean, it's a guy. So which is why it's interesting that someone, we're going back to the start, who booed William Buckley. Remember at the start, I was like, oh, cool, maybe this is a really bad dude,

but he's not that bad, is he? No, no, I think that he was sort of trapped between worlds. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what happens when you go to hell and you come back, you just get caught in between. But I think some people might see him as a bad guy. Some people might see him as a good guy. I think he's one of those guys.

You know, I think he did stuff on both sides that would make people go, well, he was a fucking asshole. Like how I feel about Trump, you know? I think, yeah, it's mostly good stuff, but then you hear like, I mean, we like every other American love the policy, but we're sick of the tweeting.

We're sick of the tweeting, you know? But I mean, that's not, that's not him. I think he's great because I, because I want to live when the fire comes. Yeah, yeah, I want to come on the fire. But no, he, I mean, he lived an interesting life. Yeah. But it is also the story of colonialism.

It is the story of colonialism. Yeah. Expect those emails to come hot and fast when this comes out. Yeah. Someone will get mad about something. Just send it to Gary. Yep.

Send it to Gary at Gmail. That's where we send all these things. Right there. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. We really appreciate it. Thank you.