The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 365 - Early Colonist Thomas Morton (Live)

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine the life of OG colonist Thomas Morton and his naughty ways. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH

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Oh boy. What are you doing? Okay. Just insane. Just insane. We should have, we should have Luke just sit on stage in a chair in the whole show and watch. We don't have to undo that plan. We just sit over there. Luke, do you just want to see us? Sit right there. Come on, get out here. This is a really good friend of mine, one of my best buddies, Luke Simmons. He's an Emerson grad. You can just sit there. I'll just walk in.

Yeah. There we go. Yeah. Yeah. This is what happens if Conor McGregor started drinking. And the best part is he doesn't have a mic, so he's just got to take it. He'll only sit there and be like, That's so great. Yeah. I'm going to enjoy this. This will be fun. I'm really happy. Hey Luke.

No, no, no. You're not to talk, boy. You're listening to the dollop. This is an American History podcast. Each week, I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. 1579.

Thomas Morton was born. Oh, this is about Morton Stakehouse. Love it. Yeah. Oh, you're going to be really surprised. It's not steak. You'll see. Thomas Morton was born in Devon, England. Oh, all right. I got family there. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, that's right. We're from Devon, aren't we? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, a bit of Devon in there. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Down there. Yeah. Drive up there. Go look at the noise clips it over if you're lucky. Yeah. That's what you'll do. All right. Well, I live in a tiny cottage. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I never want to go there now. We don't want you here. So it's a match, mate.

He just invited me. Fair. That's fair. That is. Yeah. His family was a conservative aristocratic Anglican family. Devon was considered, quote, the dark corner of the land. It's really pretty this time of year, though. That's a tough place to sell real estate. Oh, you'll love it. Once it brightens up, it brightens up two weeks a year. You guys will love this place. I'm putting you in.

It's a two bed, two bath condo. Okay. Well, it was considered that by the Protestant reformers. Oh, so. The Anglicans of Devon were not about... Devon. Don't turn it into like... Is Devon? Yeah, it's not like an 80s R&B singer. I disagree from what I'm hearing.

Okay. They were not about to change their ways and had rural folk traditions, which made the Protestants see them as almost pagans. But the people of Devon just saw themselves as old classic England. So Thomas probably received the same type of education as Shakespeare. That's the sort of level he was on. Emphasized rhetoric and they read the classics. And Thomas would have been able to take any side in an argument

having mastered the art of conversation. So he's just a prick, right? I mean, is that not just what that is? Just a contrarian who's just like, oh, no, I see it like that. And then he puts on another outfit. He's like, oh, I don't agree with you, mate. You're wrong. You are, Thomas.

I don't know what... Why did he go from just being able to take both sides in an argument to doing a one-man show? You know, he's employing tactics that all those illegal voters use when they're voting twice. He's just shifting outfits. He goes to his truck, puts on a different hat and a shirt. Then I finished that argument with myself.

It's inner conflict, outside, isn't it? I can't believe what I said. That's false. So in the 1590s, Morton studied law at London's Cliffords Inn and made contacts with influential people. There were inns in London, and they were the center of London's social life and culture. They were part finishing school for gentlemen of leisure?

Sure. Like Luke? Yeah. I'm not sure if we're finished. We've got notes. And part dens of libertine culture, which, do you know what that is? Yeah, the religion of the librarian.

Okay. It's a person, especially a man who behaves without moral principles or a sense of responsibility, especially in sexual matters. Oh, my God! Why do you get a name so classy? I'm a libertine. Run. I fuck it all! Yes, I'm starting a new party.

The libertines, you're gonna love it. Unbelievable party. We fuck everything without conscience. Okay, thank you. Thomas was into body puns. Esoteric poetry. Phoppery. Okay.

I feel like you're just naming Will Anderson podcasts right now. That means he's very devoted to how he dressed in his appearance. Okay. Super into how he looked. Okay. And he was also into falconry. Yeah, yeah. But he defiled falcons.

I think we all know. No, no, it's to... Yeah. You want me to say it or do you want to... You say it. Go ahead. Sorry. The falcon lands on your arm. It is? Yeah, it's falconry.

You're into falcons. I thought you said defalconry. What? That's what I heard was defalconry. He's into... Backwards falconry. Unfalconing things. Hey boys, let's get the falcons out of here.

Yeah, we got the time machine. Throw them in the stargate. I'm super into defalconry. Unfalconing stuff. I'm an anti-falconer and... That's what I heard. Yeah. Am I adding D's again?

Yeah, you are. Quote, he was in some... An Elizabethan dandy, a man of the Renaissance with a smattering of high culture and a hankering for low adventure. Oh my God. Is he... He's a movie poster?

Falconry 2. Thomas began practicing law though he spent more time enjoying life in London. He was married in November, 1621. Very common during Elizabethan times for a gentleman like him to marry a widow who had money. He had known Alice Milner her husband for a year when he died so Thomas quickly proposed.

What sort of... What? Yeah, yeah, you got a... You're just supposed to... Is it specifically because of the type of person he was or just in general in society? It was like, pick it up. I do believe it's just a way to be taken care of

and not have to work. Oh. I'm listening. I don't hate what I hear. I know I'm not the only one. So Alice had a son named George who did not like Thomas. Yeah, okay. He called Thomas a person of no worth.

That's going to change once he marries mom. He saw Thomas' competition for his mother's money and land. Oh, so his heart was also in the right place. How dare you, I'm the one who loves mother's land and money. So George told his mom, Alice, to show how much she loved him and said she should lease her farm to him for 50 years so Thomas couldn't take it. Okay.

So she did. And then one night Thomas and his friends broke into the farmhouse to steal the lease. So, okay, we respect leases, but a little else. George found out and some of his friends showed up so Thomas pulled out a pistol and George and his friends quote flashed naked knives and other unlawful weapons.

Okay. So part of me is just picturing knives pulled out of the sheaths and then the other part of me is picturing guys holding knives and trench coats and then opening them and being like, ha-ha! I'm going to stab you in a couple of ways. Hello, governor. Yeah, okay. I'll picture that.

Thank you. That's what I picture when I hear defalconry. It didn't go well for Thomas. His clothes were torn off and his hair ripped from his head. Jesus, God! Alice was yelled at. She must have come down and then she was beaten and she miscarried. Oh, my God.

So it went to the courts and George claimed Thomas was after Alice's money and Thomas said George was quote a most unnatural son who was guilty of lewd behavior and then he wanted his mother to die. Okay. The court ruled that George and Alice should separate the land and have separate farms, but then that was it. Thomas was out. Alice was done with him. And at this time, Sir Fernando Gorgias was the founder of Maine

and a leading figure. So far, some great sentences. One more time his name. Sir Fernando Gorgias. He has to be handsome, I mean. Or the opposite. No, no, he has to be like the kind of... I mean, yeah, he's probably got a guy who plays guitar behind him

as he walks the streets. It's as I, Fernando Gorgias. Oh, my God, for some widows. Oh, my God, Maine. That was easy. Yes. He's a leading figure in American colonization. That's right.

He had been a professional soldier. He was knighted. He served as commander at Plymouth. But then he took part in a coup only back and on at the last minute and he was put in prison until he was pardoned by Queen Elizabeth and then she just made him commander again. Okay, nice little story. I'm back. Again, I am commander, so get in line, okay?

Gorgias then became a big promoter... Sir Gorgias. I am Sir Gorgias. Hello. Gorgias then became a big promoter of the Plymouth Company. He had the patent for Maine. The patent for Maine? Hi, welcome to Shark Tank.

And patent pending on Maine, okay? A lot of people say they invented states. That is not true, okay? I have a creative patent and another pending patent. I'm willing to sell Maine to some of the sharks today for a 10% share at $250,000, for Maine. Why would you think Maine is worth that amount? Because some of the research we have played the guitar

because it's not hot under these lights, huh? That's why they call you sharks. You're making me worry. I fiscally broken the numbers down in a logarithm and I think it's a steal for the sharks. Are you looking to... Do you want to license Maine or are you looking to get into stores? I'm willing to do that.

We could license it and make other states copies of Maine, if you think that's a better way to go. I'll get in Walmart. I'll be honest, that seems to be the key. Well, I mostly deal with online shopping, so I'm out. Well, I'm out. Yeah, I'm walking away. We have so much in common. Why don't we work together on something? You heard about this Maine stuff?

Unbelievable this time of year. So patent for Maine means that he had a land grant. So they give out land grants, they call them patents. But we had some fun, huh? Yeah, you certainly did. Yeah, milked a little joke out of her, huh? He had one failed attempt trying to set up a colony in Maine. He still wasn't about to give up and had dreams of making

all of New England his estate. Oh my God. So he's thinking big. Yeah, okay. I'll put the doghouse there. After his first failed Maine attempt, he just kidnapped three Native Americans, which he showed off in London to promote his future ventures.

Just... I'm having a lot of trouble connecting some dots here. He thought that by kidnapping Native Americans, that would prove some level of competency when it came to land management. I have no idea. We are going to clean the floors of Maine, okay? All the floors.

All the dudes, and then... Yeah, these guys are there. I took them from the place. Well, I don't have any more questions. We should go back there. Yeah, no, your story completely checks out. Everything you've done here has shown me that Maine is important. I'm not an idiot.

Oops, sorry. It's okay, bud. Okay, so he was the head of the Council of New England. And that is probably where he met Thomas. Okay. Thomas became one of a gorgeous landsman who would oversee his interest in the colonies, and he sailed for America in 1622.

Wait, where was he before that? Oh, in Devon, in London. Remember, he's a dandy. Easy. That's what they literally... Oh, okay. Do you want to...? LAUGHTER

He lasted all of three months in America. He fucking hated the Puritans. Wow, yeah, I mean... He was everything they were not. He was back in England soon, just complaining about the Puritans. LAUGHTER And yet, two years later, he went back. Oh, yeah.

On March 23rd, 1624, Thomas Morton sailed for America yet again. He was now a senior partner in Gorgeous Venture. They... At some point, you're going to have to get... I'm not sure if it's happening during this show. Everything you say after, it's kind of funny. If you need another beer, you can come get one. Yeah, yeah.

You just got to open it with your mouth. CHEERING We have two openings. We got a spare opener. There you go. That'll be $5. Yeah, thank you. Um, so... They established a colony on the south side of Massachusetts Bay.

It was called Mount Walliston. Okay. Now, Richard Walliston was the captain of the ship that they came over on, apparently, and really into himself. Okay. So they set the colony. They start trading furs with the Algonquin tribe. Algonquean tribe.

Who Thomas thought quite a bit of. He said they were more civilized and humanitarian than the intolerant Puritans. Okay. I was, like, pretty sure he was our hero, but I didn't want to get too invested. Now I'm liking what I'm hearing. Yeah.

Uh, the Puritans did not like that these new Englishmen were trading guns and liquor to the Algonquean. After a year, things were not going well at Mount Walliston. Quote, famine was in their final, a fourth row. So they're... They're hungry. One of the leaders made his way to Virginia

and sent word to Walliston that they should sell their indentured servants to make money. Oh, my God. So Walliston started selling off indentured servants one by one, and then Thomas found out. And at that point, Thomas gathered together all of the guys, got everyone drunk, and proposed that they should, quote,

converse, plant, and live together as equals. It is so highly illogical that he has to get him shit-faced to convince him for this crazy plan. What do you say we share? I mean, it is crazy. You mean just, like, not take it and actually put it in work? We could just sell it to humans, though. You know, you're right. I like his idea.

We'll go with tomatoes. Sick. Sick. Oh, my God, what did we do last night? We agreed to an agrarian society. Oh, my God. How drunk did we get? Oh, I heard tomatoes.

Yeah, we said everybody was going to be equal. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Helen's going to kill me. So, honey, everyone's equal in our society now. I'm sorry. I was really drunk. You know, I told you I didn't like you going out with the boys like that

because crazy stuff happens. And you swore there would be no more equality. And then here you are hitting the bottle again and all of a sudden you're friends with other races and people? Yeah. What happened to the man I married? I don't know. I get different when I drink. Yeah, I know.

Larry shit in the fire. It sounds like you did something worse. You shit in my heart's fire left. I'm taking the kids. I'm going to mothers. I think it'll be good. Oh, my God, you're drunk still. I like Native Americans.

This is fucking cool. Oh. Everyone's saying this is killing me. What about hugs? Shut up. You're going to lay down and you're going to sleep this off. And when you wake up tomorrow, you're going to remember what you said tonight

and you are going to apologize to me and go back out there and continue to think that you're better based on your skin tone. Okay. No butts. All right. So obviously he's talking about a rebellion and the guys went for it. Sure.

And Walliston was forced to flee. So then Thomas takes over and he renamed the place Mary Mount. One member said any reason? You'll see. Oh, no. One member said they quote

fell into great licentiousness and led a desolate life powering themselves into all profanes. So licentious means sexually unrestrained. Oh, boy. So he's kind of recreating the London

in America. Sure. Yeah. So Morton, he created this little Democratic Party place basically. He's in charge, but he did not want to be called a commander or anything. He preferred they call him the host. Oh.

Welcome back to the Democratic Party headquarters, guys. All right, we're going to take another real quick break. He created a utopian project. The colonists were all declared free. He tried to integrate with the Algonquin. Am I saying that right? Algonquin.

But Thomas was still a colonist and his plan was to further civilize them. He was also a royalist which was even more of a reason for him to hate the Puritans. The Puritans had arrived in 1620 and were not down with any of this that Thomas was doing.

Quote, they keep no servants and all the scum of the country would flock to them. Jesus Christ. They met local Native Americans that the Puritans fought with and they had now been fighting with many.

Over what? What was up the Algonquins' ass the whole time? They were just sort of like we were here? Yeah. I mean, that's one big part of what they... Wow. The nerve. And then there are also other stragglers around, kind of like Thomas, guys who had come over

but then were like, I'm going to kind of be a Puritan, but not live with you guys. Right, yeah. Like so they would live like out alone. Right, but they were still like, yeah. They're still kind of... They're still watching from the side as it's like What do they do? Everyone's fucking each other.

No, no, no, Jesus, I love Jesus. Yeah. You like that maze? Yeah. Good maze, huh? It's good. So Thomas called those guys separatists. Most separatists kept their head down

and tried to steer clear of upsetting the Puritans. Puritans did not get along amongst themselves even. Why are the names a little... It throws you a little bit. Yeah, it's not great. We're actually huge dicks. A man named Thomas Weston was supposed to be on the original Plymouth

voyage, but he got into a fight right before they left England with other Puritans and he stayed behind. And then he came on his own and he was now funded by Gorgeous. So he came... I'm going to throw money at you. I know. So he came to set up his own colony.

He brought, quote, 60 lusty men. It's probably a weird boat ride. How many more months? I'm going to the poop deck. I got a... That's called the fuck deck now. Can't wait to get to that island. America.

Tiny little archipelago I've read. So Weston arrived in 1622. No one else knew that he was coming. The other... The lusty ones often do, David. The other Puritans avoided Weston's group and told the Native Americans they had nothing

to do with them. I mean, you got to be a shit group if the Puritans are like, just so you know, we're not associated with them. Dickheads. So Weston's colony is not ready for prime time. They quickly ran out of food and began starving.

Quote, one gathering shellfish was so weak he stuck fast in the mud and was found dead in place. Oh, my God. What? Ooh. That was it.

He... I just love that he just sunk into the mud. He's like, I can't get my feet out. Feels good on my balls, though. Right. The Puritans began fighting with the Native Americans, some of which was because tribes were playing them against other tribes.

Other battles happened because the Puritans were just fucking assholes. But it led to many deaths. So then the Puritans forbid Weston's colony from trading with Native Americans, which was the last blow for that colony. Okay.

Thomas believed the Puritans had started fighting with the Native Americans as a way to drive Weston's colony out in the first place. Gorgeous latest colony was abandoned and the men just scattered into the... Where? They just went? They just walked?

But they could be like a separatist guy just living out in the nowhere. Someone would join tribes like it was just... So when Thomas arrived, that had already happened, and Marymount was close to all that action that had occurred, but he got along well with the Native Americans

unlike the others. First of all, he fucking loved America. The more I liked. And second, he respected local tribes. He was quick to praise Native Americans when he thought their behavior was superior than Europeans. He just had more in common with the Native Americans

than he did with Puritans. I have found the Massachusetts Indians more fun of humanity than that. Sorry. I have found the Massachusetts Indians more fun of humanity that the Christians

have had much better quarter with them. So in other words, I like the Native Americans better than these dickholes. Basically, yeah. A little ways away, the Puritan leaders were writing things like, what could they see by a hideous and desolate wilderness full of wild beasts

and wild men? Jesus Christ, yeah. So you can see the difference? Yeah, yeah. The two people, just slight. Yeah. You've got the Pence camp and then the others. Yeah. By the way, don't send your kids to Pence camp.

Oh, God, no. Not good. I can't be in the same room as Mom. So the Puritans' view of everything was made worse because the local tribes were getting along very well with Thomas and his colony. So they're just jealous. Yeah.

And this led to the biggest problem of all for the Puritans, trade. Thomas got Marymount into the fur trade, which is a huge threat to pilgrim finances. They were barely hanging on as it was. The few tribes that would have anything to do with the Puritans

would still rather hang in trade at Marymount. The Puritans were also right about the quote, scum, flocking to Marymount. A maidservant at New Plymouth began to show. Okay.

The Puritans became obviously suspicious. So to avoid being punished, she and the guy who got her pregnant, who I'm pretty sure is married, escaped to Marymount. Why would you not just play the Immaculate Conception card?

Why would you not just be like, oh my God, I think this could be another Jesus? You know what I mean? You're just all of a sudden, then you're uprising up those ranks. I mean, I've got notes, so let them know if you can. We'll go back in time.

So her and the guy go to Marymount, but then the dude bails and goes back and she thought about suicide, but all the guys at Marymount created a quote, memorial of some mirth for the dude who had bailed. Okay.

And she came around. There's a place that used to be called Sluts Bush at... Start the car. Get the car. Get the car and start the car and bring it around. Get the car, start the car, bring it up.

Yeah, I got to get out of here in a second, Dave. Let's get moving. Get the car. Next sentence. There's a place that used to be called Sluts Bush at Nosset Beach on Cape Cod. And it is suggested

that it was named after her. A partial honor? Jesus. I like how they're so high and mighty and yet they'll go to that level when it's time for that. Excuse me. Isn't there a rule against that, too?

No, God likes me better. Have you seen Dirty Horror Beach? All right. That one's mine. So anyway, Thomas is getting into the Algonquin... Am I saying it right? Algonquin?

Algonquin. That's not what it said on the computer. Algonquin culture. He realized, just like in London, much of their social life was built around festive occasions. So they like to fucking party. Well, in London, it normally ends with

someone getting a pint glass smashed in their head. You like that? Yeah, have a special occasion. Happy Christmas, you fucking piece of crap. What? Yeah, Merry Christmas. What are we doing right now, man? Get a pint. What? Get another pint.

No. Not you, him. I'm going to smash it on you. What the fuck's your problem? I like smashing pints on people I don't like, like you. Why don't you like me? Your face is all bloody. You look weird. It's bloody because you hit me a bunch of times.

Potato, potato, mate. I don't think that makes any sense at all. Oh. Once he comes back here with this pint. Thanks for hanging around by the way, really. You could have run off and you're stuck here, so I appreciate that. Looks like there's a big queue.

It might be a minute. Are you from around here then? No. We don't need to make small talk. We'll wait for the pint. I'll smash it on you. Do you know Benjamin? No, I don't know Benjamin.

You look like a friend of his. I thought maybe it was him, but you ain't him. Alright. I should go check on him, maybe. Only got one guy working in there, all these people. Full heart, isn't it? Did you tip him? Did you tip him?

Nah, we're English, and it's years ago, mate. Nah. What kind of backwards culture do you have? The customer doesn't pay for the person's salary? Mate, if you've learned one thing about us, we keep the tip. What was that? It's a penis joke, isn't it?

I'm leaving. I don't like anything about this. Alright, come back a bit later, see if he's got this pint, and then I'll smash it on you. Alright, good to meet you, man. See you around. Bye. Nice chap, isn't he?

Same about that cut. Anyway, he realized they liked to party too. Quote, keeping good hospitality in all manner of revels. A match made in heaven. So the Algonquins shared what they had with everyone. And keeping with this tradition,

Thomas decided to throw a huge party to commemorate the renaming of the settlement to Marymount. So on May 1st, they quote, brewed a barrel of excellent beer and profited a case of bottles to be spent with other good cheer for all comers that day.

Alright, so a party. Besides the Algonquin, there were the Massachusetts and some, quote, old planters from and some of the separatists came. Okay. So really, one group of people is now sort of saying,

our only rule is that you don't really agree with the Puritans. And the other group is the Puritans, basically. Right. Well, so they put up a maypole, which is about 80 feet high, and they put a pair of buck horns nailed to the top.

Sure, yeah, as one does, for a big party, you having a shindig? Which confused a lot of people. Oh, I don't know why that's confusing. No, no, you just put horns on a 40-foot pole and then ride a riddle on it. Come on. You never been out? This is how we do it.

They sang songs and everyone danced around the maypole. But the European separatists were not pleased. Even though they avoided the Puritans, they were still super religious. And they called the maypole, quote, the calf of Horrib.

Horrib, which is when Moses came down from the mountain, they made a golden, the Israelites had made a golden calf. Okay. And that was bad, I guess. The Ten Commandments really stole the headline that day, huh?

Yeah. Did you see the calf? Fuck the calf! God gave us ten rules! I know, but if some guy comes down with a couple of slabs with shit written on him, he says, I'm the calf. I'm wetting.

I'm the guy I should be looking at. Yeah, well, he parted the sand all that bullshit. He's just real scene stealer, that guy. So obviously, when they call it that, that's a bad thing, right? So this is when Thomas said the separatists began doing everything they could to get rid of them.

The Puritans were really pissed when they heard about the maypole situation. One of the leaders, quote, they set up a maypole drinking and dancing and riding the Indian women for their consorts, dancing and frisking together like so many fairies. And worse practices.

And worse practices? This is your list! And also stuff. And also stuff a lot worse that I can't talk about right now. Shhh! Ain't no! Oh, boy. Whoo! He also...

Explains the riddle. He also said with disdain that they named their settlement, quote, Marymount, as if this joylity would have lasted ever. Another man wrote nearly the same description, but he left out the part about women

indicating this party and dancing was just men. Mary men. Okay. Turns out Thomas had purposefully chosen the name Marymount as a mind fuck. As you'd expect from a man educated in one of London's ins.

Yeah. So it's like a pun factory. The two words together, Mary and Mount, could have been used many different ways, many different meanings. A seaside mountain, a bunch of different ways to get happy. Marriage is a very sort, sodomy and a stable. Honoring a virgin, dishonoring a virgin.

There's a bunch of different ways. Let's go back to the stable one. I'm hoping that sodomy is the name of one of the ponies. Yeah, I hope so. No, no, no, no! On the saddle! Oh. I was like, what kind of sport?

Anyway, sorry, pal. Not a carrot. And besides that, just fucking Marymount is, you know, we all, yeah. It is Shakespearean. Totally, that's exactly right. And that's how he was educated. So he literally just picked the thing that would drive the Puritans

the most fucking crazy. What did he mean? Yeah, they got the CSI board. Name did what? It's horse sex. That barn fucker! Welcome to Horse Sex Beach. So he's mocking

the Puritans' strict morals, right? He's not going to back and hate them for it. He was also showing them there could be a different type of new world. And he was being far more successful integrating into it. There's no fighting with the Native Americans at Marymount. They were welcomed. He's proving an earthly pagan paradise

could be successful. Thomas had created a zone of pleasure and fun while the Puritans were going with a less attractive salvation through suffering. Jesus Christ. It's like the difference between reading a book and going to Dave and Buster's. No, no,

we've got the this is the most entertaining thing. Read your book. Oh my God, he's in a spaceship. Read it! God hates fun! Duh! Yeah, I said it.

So Thomas had not only violated the Puritans' beliefs, but he had also undercut their economy and was undercutting their security as he became more and more friendly with the locals. Worst of all, Thomas was the kind of eat, drink and be merry Englishmen all the Puritans thought they had left behind

in England. We need to get these people out of our system. Yeah, seriously. There was too much fun! No! So the Puritans wrote to England Dear England, we're pissed! There's a man here having fun!

We did not import good times. You know they had sex with a horse in a maypole. When I get hurt, I punch my dick because it's bad. No! We all do, Winthrop.

We punch each others, but you know, the Lord's so specific. So specific. So they write to England saying that giving the Native Americans guns was costing lives. You're not going to believe this. Such catty little babies.

Quote, some of their neighbors and friends are killed daily by Indians. Oh, the horribleness of this villainy. When you're the villain, you're not going to believe the villains, the Joker. This, of course, was not true. No settlers have been shot

by Native Americans from any guns that Thomas gave way. Or if he did, it sounds like he didn't even give them guns. But that didn't stop the Puritans. Quote, let this pestilence follow Morton Baer a great part of the blame and guilt of it

to future generations. Cool group. The Pilgrims wrote two letters and cited King James' prohibition against selling firearms to Native Americans. They also, in one of the letters, wrote that fishermen were giving the Native Americans guns,

undermining their own. Right. Jimmy, why'd you put that in there? What? I don't know how letters work. Yeah. I'm sorry. What are we mad about? Oh, my God.

So one of two things then happened. Either the Pilgrims put together a force led by Miles Standish and marched on Marymount and captured Thomas. That's their version of events. Okay. Or Thomas' version, which is that the separatists took him prisoner and turned him over to the Puritans

when he was away at Marymount trading beforehand in the beaver trade. I'm going to go with the guy who doesn't lie all the time. I believe his version. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so they grabbed him and they got rid of him

because they want, the separatists want to have corner the beaver trade market. Right. Okay. To celebrate the great capture back at New Plymouth, the Puritans, quote, fell too tippling. And once they were drunk at night, Thomas escaped back to his house

at Marymount. Wait, this guy without booze it's just like, have you heard about this secret weapon? Get people's shit faced. I know what you're doing. You're trying to make another utopia. Oh, I was never going to work on it this time, Thomas.

We're gonna have the masses. Oh. Son of a bitch. Huh. Oh, Helen's gonna be livid! Let me guess. You created another system of equality.

No. But the guy who did got away. Oh my God. I was tippling. Oh, sorry. I didn't know you're tippling. And it was Tuesday at Tipples. So there are two, two Thomas's men were there and they said they'd defend him.

Okay. But not until they, after they got drunk. Okay. So... But that's sort of the world he's set up. A little bit, yeah. He's like the fucking MTV big party house. Right. Yeah. Okay. As a man.

Yeah. The Puritans show back up and at first Thomas refused to surrender. But once he realized how drunk his men were he was, quote, content to yield upon quarter. No. He's like those guys. I gilded the lily over here. I really... I'm kind of sad

but kind of happy. Look at him. Could I answer in five hours after they shower, please? Yeah. Yeah. So they brought him back to New Plymouth and held the court and decided he should be sent back to England as a prisoner. Okay.

So there's no ship available to take him. So the Puritans made him a prisoner on the island of Shoals. Off New Hampshire. Where they make the long scarves? Yeah. The scarf island. Right. Yeah. Yep.

Some people are happy, most not. Yeah. Hey, listen. I've always said I just want to hit the 5% show audience. That's all I give a shit about. Quote, without so much as a knife to procure food

or any clothes to shelter him at winter than a thinsuit. So they basically took him out to this island to die. Yeah. He's fucked. If he's there, he's just going to die. They did not want to put him in a prison or execute him as they thought he was too well connected and they already had enough trouble

with the king hating them. Right. So they thought we'll just put him on an island and let him die. Sure. Yeah. Much sweeter. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah, for sure. We didn't do it. Yeah. We didn't kill him. He just died from the things we wouldn't give him. Huge difference. Fortunately,

friendly Native Americans helped him out and brought him food and clothes. If they had not, Thomas would have died. Okay. They were apparently very amused by the whole situation. I mean, he's probably super appreciative, but also like, guys, it's kind of serious.

You are just you're so cold. Yeah, no, it's a nightmare. We should go. Want a drink? But I'm sure they were just like, so they just put you on an island and you're going to stay there? Yeah.

Okay. We're the worst people. Yeah, just a nightmare. Okay. So they basically kept him alive by doing that. And while he was on the aisle, a Puritan arrived in New Plymouth from England. His supporters

called him strong, valiant John. I just hate him so much already. He's not great. So after you heard the story of Marymount and with no legal authority, valiant John went to Marymount

so valiant and had the maypole cut down. Aha! Another win for valiant John! He scolded Thomas's men for their profaneness. How dare you? Ah! Another lesson from valiant John!

He then renamed Marymount Mount Dragon. Ah! Not so on tundra now, are you? And not anymore, straight forward fiction from valiant John! This is where the dragon lives. Yes, they're real.

The Bible said so. He's coming to see the snow. What? Sorry, I'm writing a theme song for myself. He's so strong. Valiant John. No, I don't want to bother you. No, I'm just in creative process.

Just have two more verses. The problem is not a lot rhymes with John. That's such a hard name to rhyme with. Valiant John, he's got a song. Gone? Alright, see you.

So, Mount Dragon has some biblical meaning. Really? And the dragon will come down and teach all the sinners. He came out of God's shirt pocket. That guy loves it. It's testing high with the Luke demographic.

It is. The Puritans vowed to make Mount Dragon quote, a place of woe. I mean, what kind of people aim for this? But everything about them, we're going to make this a shitty place.

It will be a place of woe. Just like show up and piss in the punch and then be like, somebody's having fun. This is what God wants. Finally, in the fall of 1628, Thomas was picked up by a fishing ship headed for England.

A Puritan traveled along carrying letters from the Puritans, searching Sir Fernando Gorgeous to prosecute Thomas. The charges were quote, Plymouth is expecting daily to be overrun and spoiled by savages, because Thomas Morton

and his turbulent and seditious crew hath sold sundry pieces to the natives who can use them with great dexterity. I mean, the thing is at the end of the day when you look at it, white people have treated Earth pretty well. So it's sort of like,

you know, you can't stay mad at them for too long. Sorry, us. I keep trying to separate myself from them. No. I'd say he was also guilty of quote, abusing the Indian women most filthily as is notorious.

It's just... And they're on the same boat? Yeah, but he's just got them in a letter. I don't know if he read them. Yeah, still, it's like he's sitting in a... Yeah, you're a terrible Puritan. So he's fucking Indian, ladies. It was basically what that says.

Sure. He said, all other men who might act like Thomas Morton by severely punishing him as an example. But Gorgeous was Thomas' friend and an Anglican, so he didn't give two fucking shits what the Puritan said.

I have the letters for you, sir Gorgeous. Quite a ride. Quote, nothing was done to him not so much as a rebuke. Okay. My friend! Dude, the fucking Puritans are... Oh, they're out of their minds!

Fucked. Yes, you don't need to remind. I'm just trying to, like, party, you know what I mean? Yes. It's just, like, having a shit neighbor and you're just trying to fucking turn it loose. Have you seen Animal House? I've...

It's like that. Right. I'm there, Niedermeyer. I'm John Belushi. That's what it's like. Love you on life according to Jim. Unbelievable. You're so good.

Uh... So... So Thomas ended up living in Plymouth and working as a writer, but he fucking loved America. So he returned in 1629. He rejoined his men at Marymount, those who were still there.

It didn't take long for him to be back at it. He employed some of his Native American friends to hunt, and soon he was again getting the best furs. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM the town fuckhole now. Yeah, how's your little Puritan heart?

Oh, I love him. You guys know what a butt plug is? Because I brought a crate. Oh, it'll be a whole new world. You know what I'm talking about? I know how you're spelling whole. I got one in right now. You stay off of Dragon Mountain, jerky. I'm coming. Outside of a woman? I don't know. No, I meant I'm coming to you. I'm not. Wow, you're gross. We can only do it for procreation, so you'd imagine that we're walking around with a lot of them. I do it whenever I get hard, like God wanted.

You know what God also invented? Facials. Jesus. Let's not have his family listen to this one. I'd be like, he did so much good. Yeah, but we also think he invented porn genres. Is that cool? You guys be real weirdos about the butt plug run? So he plays native friends, native American friends. He's getting the best furs, so this brings him in conflict with Valiant John. It was Valiant John who tried to get Thomas to team up in a trading partnership at that point. No, hello, friend. Well, hi. It's hi. They call me John. Handsome John, not a big deal.

I think we could be great partners. Handsome John making a deal, Handsome John is going to steal. What's that? What just happened? I think we could be fantastic partners together. Yeah, but then you're mumbling. Then the guy couldn't sing in the song. What are you doing? Handsome John was wrong, but Handsome John was too strong for that. Handsome John wasn't going to fall over that Handsome John. He's the guy, he's the guy. Oh my God, it's Handsome John. What's happening? Handsome John, he does no wrong. What's happening? That's my guy. He's Handsome John. Dude, what are you doing?

I'm proposing a partnership, you fool. He's done it again. He convinced him again. Somehow this guy cannot stop when Handsome John, he's got the song. It's weird. I left a year ago and Puritans have gotten so much worse. Bite your fucking tongue, Handsome John. Just keep singing yours. Hey, that was profane. You're being profane. Who has to lash themselves? Who has to lash himself? Oh my God, he heard the song that I'd been singing all along. He's Handsome John. He's got a problem. He can't stop singing his own song. Oh my God, what the fuck's going on? I need some help to start singing my song.

It just goes right in the anus. And you can keep it in there for as long as you want to just walk around all day. Handsome John liked what he heard. He liked what he was hearing from Thomas, but he didn't want to tell Thomas he was endured. Handsome John not sure what he's feeling. Something he's never felt before. Oh my God, this whole time Handsome John has been searching for the thing he wants. But it was standing right before Handsome John all this time. Hi. Hi. So Thomas suspected that this partnership Valiant John was coming up with was a trap.

And he refused on the grounds that he would do nothing quote contrary or repugnant to the laws of the Kingdom of England. So when it was coming, and the food situation in Salem was not good, it was so bad that the indentured servants were set free to fend for themselves. Wow, I mean that definitely. How the fuck are these people? We don't have any food. Why don't you guys leave? You guys are seriously the worst. Do you want another beer? Feed the beast. Here you go. That's how you get free beers you sit on stage.

I think we've got our Handsome John. Did something happen over there? Okay. Did you move your chair closer? I think your chair's got a leak. Right so the food situation is not good. People are starting to starve. They set the indentured service loose to fend for themselves. Now angry at Thomas' rejection of his partnership offer and running low on food, Vy and John made a raid on Marymount, which had a lot of quality corn crops, because they were friendly with the Native Americans. Is there a way to do it without conversing with other people? I'm asking for a handsome friend. After they had feasted their bodies with

what they found there, they carried all his corn away with some other of his goods contrary to the laws of hospitality. I mean, imagine those being a thing, the laws of hospitality. Boy, we left those behind. A small parcel of refuse corn only accepted, which they left a mind host to keep Christmas with. He left a tiny bit of corn. Apparently he wasn't there when this happened. But Thomas had hid some of his supplies in the woods and hunted deer and vowed to survive. He did quite well. He probably could have survived that way for some time, but in the summer of 1630, the Great Migration arrived. Around 200 Puritans flooded into Massachusetts

Bay. The balance of power was permanently shifted, and Thomas Morton was now a marked man. At court on August 23, 1630, Thomas was accused of shooting at a group of Native Americans and stealing their canoe. His punishment was to be, quote, set into the Bilboes, and after sent prisoner to England, that all his good shall be seized to defray the charge of his transportation, his debts, and that his house shall be burnt to the ground in sight of the Indians for their satisfaction for many wrongs he hath done them. Are they going to punish him? Boy, so just frame him and then make him pay for his own prison transfer and try to send

a message to the Native Americans. Take all his shit, bird knows how. The Puritans also said Thomas was suspected of the past murder of another man who nobody knew the name of, who had come with a lot of money. I forget who he was or what he looked like or what he did, but this dude definitely killed him. I'm 100%. That's the guy. That's definitely the guy. That guy did it. Jesus Christ. He definitely did it. Look at him. He's got fucking crazy eyes.

Yeah, look at him. He's got crazy eyes. Right, so this other man who had shown up with a lot of money when he arrived in New England in 1927. Oh, this billion, nameless billionaire. Then vanish. Yeah. There was no evidence to support this accusation. The Puritans wanted Thomas' ship back to England again. A ship named the Gift was headed back, but the captain absolutely refused to

take Thomas. So he was kept in the Boston Jail until December when the ship, the Handmaid, agreed to take him. Oh boy. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Thomas says the Puritans had second thoughts about what they were doing with the trumped up charges against him. They debated whether or not to set him free, but in the end they

put him aboard the ship as they did. Very pious behavior, obviously, from the church side of the Americas. That's great. Yeah, really sticking to that sort of Christian way of system. Awesomeness. Yeah, yeah. So as they put him on the ship, they hoist him up on the ship's tackle, and then they set his house on fire so he could see his home burning from the ship.

Guys, hurry, hurry. He's here. He's here. Light it. Come on. We have 10 minutes to get this right, just like rehearsal. Come on. And then off to England he went, where once again, Gorgeous dismissed the charges against him and instead hired him as one of his lawyers. Unfortunately, I find you guilty of being super qualified to be my attorney. Thank you so much. Welcome aboard once again. It's good to see you. I'm glad I keep throwing you back here.

I've had a little work done, a little nip time, that's it. You look great. Well, yeah, the subtle thing you do is side of the face so nobody sees it, and you don't do too much. Otherwise, you look like a Martian man, you know what I mean? So he's now an attorney for the Council of New England. So Gorgeous pushed George to write a book about his experiences, which he got to work on.

He helped make a case against the Puritans. The Puritans learned Thomas wasn't an isolated case. There was a fur trader named Edward Ashley in Maine also began to show Thomas-like tendencies of getting along with everyone and having a good time. I don't know how to break this to you, but we got your results back. You are stage two, Thomas. No, no, no, now listen, while I'm not going to promise you'll ever come back from this, there is a way to live your life still. Don't think of it as dying with Thomas. Think of it as living with Thomas.

I don't. Look, you're going to have an uncontrollable urge to be cool to people. Yeah. You're going to suddenly think that fun is a good idea. No. Yes, and we know these are wrong and these are against the will of our Lord. Yeah. But unfortunately, that night that he bit you, he fully transferred it.

I'm afraid within a year, you won't be you anymore. You'll just be another Thomas. I blame myself because I put my ass in his face and he just bit the cheek. You might have had this before that, maybe. I don't know. It sounds like you're sort of a loose, moral character. So what I was doing is I was dancing backwards. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you see? This is the Thomas talking. My pants were off and I was bending over and he was fucking laughing his ass off.

Like he was shitfaced. I was shit. We were all shitfaced. Well, he was literally shitfaced. He was laughing really hard and he didn't know what to do and then he bit my ass cheek and then we fucking, we just rolled like it was just like what a fucking night that guy, that guy, do you know what a beer bong is? He brought one over from England and man, no, no, no shit is crazy. Sorry, I need to go to church for a little while. So Ashley was showing Thomas tendencies, quote, a very profane young man and had for some

time lived among the Indians as a savage and went naked amongst them and used their manners. No, no. Used their manners. You mean he was good to others? No, I don't feel good. He also had, quote, committed uncleanliness with an Indian woman. Imagine. No. Not part of the Lord's plan.

Ashley was arrested for trading gunpowder with the Native Americans and sent back to England as a prisoner. Gorgeous then sent a secret agent, Christopher Gardner, to England when the Puritans found out that in addition to bringing his mistress to the colonies, he also had a wife in Paris and another in London. They had him arrested and sent back to England. Oh man, when they found that out, oh my God. And he's undercover? He's an undercover cool guy, so he's just got to be like going against every urge to

be cool and just be like, yeah, no, God definitely wouldn't want us drinking. No, or fucking people. We should never. Just ask my fake wife here. First of all, was there attack on a servant who had had some of the Puritans attack on a servant who had some sort of mental health issue. He was put on trial for, quote, uttering malicious and slanderous speeches against the government and church.

They put him on trial and found him guilty. But he had a mental, he had like threats or something. Yeah, he had some sort of mental condition where, you know, I don't know about threats, but it sounded like, you know, he would, he would, the hearing voices or whatever, like saying shit, that kind of thing. They ordered him whipped, had his ears cut off, find it banished. A description of the punishment is much worse, quote, his tongue bored through his nose slit, his face branded, his ears cut off.

After the whipping, his back was, quote, like the picture of raw head and bloody bones and his shirt like a pudding wife's apron. Oh my God, I barely know what that means, and it's hard to like hear. First of all, pudding is great, but did your mom never make pudding? You got to lick the apron? Hello, I'm a pudding wife. Hello, I've got pudding all over my apron. Oh, he married me for the pudding.

I'm a pudding wife. Oh, it spills everywhere. Oh, I can't come to bed. I make him more pudding. Pudding, pudding, pudding. Oh, I love pudding. He's a terrible wife. Well, you named me.

I can't. I don't know. I'm a pudding wife. I have a pudding wife. I got to go. No, no, no. You're the worst. But I saved you some pudding.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. I'm so fucking tired of pudding. I got to be honest. It's pudding. Well, I can make something else. No, I don't think you can. Okay, I'll make more pudding.

Okay. I love pudding. I know. And you. And if one of them leaves me, I'll kill myself. I'm leaving. You never had a better reason to leave. I got to be honest.

Make pudding out of yourself. Oh. And I wonder if I could, no, I'm just dying. So I think they're talking about, right, blood pudding, I would imagine, is what they're saying. Oh, still, still crazy. Yeah. When these men returned to England, so all these three, these three guys, their testimonies

help gorgeous and Thomas's case against the Puritans. Thomas then sued the Massachusetts Bay Company, the group backing the Puritans, and he had a lot of supporters who celebrated him as a champion of liberty, but the Puritans fought back with their own lawyers. But the Puritan colony was becoming a source of raw materials, and those in power saw it as a possible shipbuilding center. So the financial outlook meant the case against the Puritans was losing strength, but gorgeous and Thomas pushed on.

They had the backing of the Anglican church. Thomas's biggest back. Wait, gorgeous. Oh, sorry. Okay. Sorry. So Thomas's biggest back there was Charles the first who did not like the Puritan colonists. We just call them Charles.

Does he really have to have the first after? I mean, it's there. It's hard. People are like, you mean Jaws part one? You're like, that was Jaws, just because they made five others doesn't mean they put a part one at the end of it. I'm Charles the first. How about Charles?

No. Little drab, isn't it? Okay. Such a fucking Puritan. But then the wind shifted the other way and in 1635, using Thomas's testimony, the Massachusetts Bay Company's charter was revoked. The Puritans were fucked. They would have to abandon their first time.

He just imagined them having sex just like, no, no, no, no. I guarantee you, you just went 13 thrusts too many. There's no doubt in my mind. The second Mike Pence's cock enters his wife to procreate. It's a half-pump like, Jesus, yeah. Was that as scary for you as it was for me? All right, let us bend down and pray to the Lord. We're so sorry, hopefully this takes.

He's probably undoing his pants like, did we make a baby? Well, I'm going to have to pick it up, but we'll do it manually. We'll do it the old-fashioned way. I'll just fling it. I'll fling it. I'll fling it. I'm going to Spider-Man it in there until we have a baby. Oh, Lord, you are mysterious.

Are you not? I'll be on a no-fly list pretty soon, so I hope you guys enjoy these shows. So the Puritans are fucked. They would have to abandon their colony. Thomas was thrilled, quote, I shall see their merciless cruelty rewarded according to the merits of fact with punishment for coming into those parts. He forced the Mike Pence story, but again, the way he writes, you never know. He foresaw the Puritans governor's ears being chopped off when we're when we're reached New

England that they had lost their patent and that Thomas had won. They made plans to resist. They fortified their colonies. And John cut the cross of St. George out of the king's flag scary, but then it's just a fucking flag with a hole in it, right? And I just say that you were much better before you came here and started doing the song shit. Like when when you first came here, everyone's like, cool, right, John is coming. But then you went to Marama, you did the fucking maypole shit, and then you started singing

songs about yourself. Now you're just a fucking asshole and you walk around singing songs and now you're not, you're like Dick John, like everyone's like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Like you're fucking horseshit. Well, maybe I just wanted a friend. If you have to be handsome, John just have to select a friend. If you were electromagnet scientist, it's probably Philip DGoodall. You mean Hamsom John.

Hamsom John's just a good friend. Hamsom John just a good friend. And you just sat in his- his he says, the handsome- handsome- handsome Jettle must be at his home. His handsome- he's running to his home. I'm purpose, he's handsome John. So, so losing their charter was just one of the reasons the colony of Massachusetts started turning to shit. Many colonists left for Connecticut.

Then in 1637... Hey, they sell beer on Sundays. Then in 1637, Thomas' book was published. It was three volumes and called the New English Canaan. He became a political celebrity. It was an inspired attack on the Puritans in America and their land policies as well as the genocidal attacks on the native population. At the end, he called for the creation of a new canaan, similar to what he tried to set up at Marymount. The Puritans in New England were horrified. Quote, he got free again and wrote an infamous and scurrilous book against many godly and chief men of the country, full of lies and slanders and fraught with profane,

calamities against their name and persons and the ways of God. They must have led the country in fainting. Just dramatic, like, what's he done? Most importantly, the book described how great Native Americans were and talked up the beauty of the land. Those who weren't religious nuts said it was the truest description of New England. Thomas now had spent years in a vengeance campaign against the Puritans. He said he wanted revenge against the, quote, cruel schismacs.

I mean, the word didn't exist when I looked it up. But most of all... He might have just put that in there for them to be like, what does he mean? You're a schismac. Most of all, he wanted to return to his own plantation in America, which was now located in Maine, where Gorgias had to troll. So Gorgias was then declared governor of the colonies by King Charles. The first.

But instead of rolling in and taking control, there was delay after delay. The ship built to take him to New England, shattered into pieces when it was launched. And that's a problem for ships, isn't it? Yeah, they're not supposed to do that. No, you need them to be a cohesive piece. When they go into the ocean, they just go, it's not good. No, I'm not a fisherman. But when I see that, I'm like, okay, I think why that is floating is because it's kind of like piece to...

They're not supposed to shatter. Right, right, right. Okay, thank you. Thanks, sir. Yep. Charles was slow to take royal control of New England. The Puritans did everything they could to delay leaving New England, knowing the longer they stayed, the better their chances were.

Gorgeous and an archbishop kept discussing how to handle going there month after month, not agreeing, and then the English Civil War came. A big part of which was due to Charles' treatment of the Puritans. Gorgeous took the wrong side and was put in prison. The Puritans in New England were safe and did not have to leave. Gorgeous and Thomas had planned to go to Maine together. Thomas still finagled to try to get some land back to America. He wanted to return to the place he loved, and he did.

In 1643, he returned to Plymouth, claiming to be the new agent of the new owner of the patent. He assumed this would keep him safe. The leader of Plymouth gave him permission to, quote, winter here but be gone as soon as winter breaks up. That's right. Stick around for the shit part. Others were not so keen. Quote, for my part, I would not have that serpent stay among us.

An avid hunter, Thomas was seen out with a gun. They did not like this. Viant John collected information. That'll change. Viant John collected information on Thomas the entire time he was there. Spies were watching him, and he was allied with Royalists in Maine, and they said he'd been sent to raise the Puritan enemies against them. So he's basically got guys just writing up bullshit about him.

And he must have not had alcohol on him at this point, because otherwise his secret weapon would just be to get him drunk. So no one knows how Thomas was arrested, but in September 1644, he was again in a Puritan court. His book was used as evidence against him, as were his statements threatening the colony over the years. But he never had an official trial. He was put into jail with no fire or bedding where he remained for the winter. Thomas wrote the court, quote, such a poor warm as I send a humble petition begging for mercy. The Puritans do not care.

He was kept in prison for about a year as they waited for further evidence to come from England, but none came. Then Thomas was fined £100 and set loose. Quote, he was a charge to the country for he had nothing, and we thought not fit to inflict corporal punishment upon him being old and crazy. That's sweet. It's nice. Yeah. He was banished to Maine.

I'll take it. Oh, no. I have to leave you guys and go to Maine. Terrible. Oh, fuck me. And there's none of you there. Oh, my God. What's happening?

I'm going to miss this tit for tat thing we got going on over here. All right, I'll see you. I moved in with a small colony of Anglicans, which included some of the old planters from Weston's colony. When he was in England, he had actually helped draft this town's charter. Thomas never recovered from that year in prison as the last Puritans had broken him. He died in 1647. The Puritans said he died, quote, poor and despised.

But in truth, he spent his last years amongst friends in the land he loved, and he knew his offense against the Puritans was that he had threatened them with a better world. I'm conflicted. Yeah. Part of me is like it's great. If he had won and people like him had won, we would be in a completely different country. That's what I mean. So it's nice to win one over on them, and it's nice to hear a story about someone who actually wanted to take reality at face value

versus just pure racism for greed purposes, which is great. But it also is a testament, pardon the pun, to how strong religion was in this country and is rebecoming in this country. Where this is like, like even the stuff we were talking about earlier, when Trump's like the way to kind of curb pro-choice is through religious talks. And like the idea of turning the clock back and going to a time like that feels, it feels right now like we're closer to the 1600s than the 1960s. Thoughts?

It's a great, I mean that's an amazing story and it is like always nice to hear about like, you know, like about people who are decent. Yeah. But then they won, essentially. I mean you think about the little world he created, it was perfect. Perfect. And there's a, and you know, I think most like... The Taliban won.

I mean essentially that's what they were, they were the fucking Taliban. Yeah. They won. Anyway. Oh boy. What is it I always call it at the end of our shows? I got the feel goods, that's what it is. Yeah, I mean, the thing with religion is I don't mean to like shit on it

because I definitely believe that people have the right to believe whatever the fuck they want. They just need to leave you the fuck alone over it. Yeah. Just like I would never push my crazy like hallucinogen theories on strangers, I don't need your fucking pamphlet and I'm not looking for a ticket to heaven. I wish I was a stranger because... Dave, I take drugs. I like a hallucinogen.

I'm like this guy. Luke is a mushroom. It's a weird reference after I called the president's cock a mushroom. I like that he's kind of become like the translator a little bit, but he has no specific language he's speaking and he's not mic'd. And nobody's sure what's happening, but he spilled a bunch of beer, so that's cool. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. We really appreciate it.

Truly. Thank you guys so much for coming out for Luke.