The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 366 - Pilot Hans Bertram (Live)

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Becky Lucas to examine German pilot Hans Bertram. SOURCES TOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCH...

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Starting point is 00:00:45 Yeah! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you, sir. One cool person. All right. All right. I love you, sir. Um, shut up.
Starting point is 00:01:23 Uh... Perth! Hello! It is a pleasure. This is the first show of the Australian tour, so you guys don't fuck it up. It's on you if it's bad. Where's Dave? Has anyone seen Dave? I haven't seen him in a while. Hey, bud.
Starting point is 00:01:42 All right. Dave Anthony. From America! Where Trump lives! What are these? Well, it's nice to be here, because our country is what's known as a hellfire. Oh, David. You know, sometimes when you're making something great,
Starting point is 00:02:00 there's growing pains. Fucking idiot. Now, you guys... Open a book every now and then, David. Fucking guy. I'm listening to the dollop! This is a bi-coastal... American History podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:23 Each week, I jet lagged. Chocolate quacka liquor. Wow. And sleeper on pillows. Dave Anthony reads a story from American history, or Australian, to his friend. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about.
Starting point is 00:02:45 It's... It's... I can tell you... Well, you will. You'll tell me. No, no, let's stick to the format. We have a very special guest tonight. I met at a Kosovoi and was so fucking hilarious that we thought we had to have her on this hilarious show.
Starting point is 00:03:05 Give it up for the fantastic Becky Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Let her hear it. Hello. Right there. Oh, hey. That's your fan. Do you know what I was thinking? Because I have my Twitter bin.
Starting point is 00:03:22 I got my Twitter bin because I accidentally threatened to... Accidentally threatened to... I accidentally threatened to cut the Prime Minister's head off. It was a joke. We've all done that. I wasn't going to do it. Thank you. Come on. It happens.
Starting point is 00:03:37 I wasn't going to do it. No. Like, but I just... That's not how they work. The order is not publicly announced, then behead. Yeah. Anyway, it's... I've saw... I don't have Twitter anymore,
Starting point is 00:03:48 and I used to put all my shitty thoughts on... Wait, are you... You're off Twitter? I'm off. They've completely banned me for life. They've completely banned you. Yeah. Wow. Fucking A. I know. It's full on. Now you do have to cut his head off.
Starting point is 00:03:59 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't have done it. It was a fucking joke. Yeah. But you made it real, didn't you? Wow. I actually didn't tell anyone,
Starting point is 00:04:07 because I got interviewed about it, and I haven't told anyone yet, or so I'll say it now, but so I said, I'm going to chop your head off to the Prime Minister. I was just drunk at the pub, and then I didn't think much of it. Anyway, it's viral.
Starting point is 00:04:20 It's pop talk. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. And then Twitter banned me, and you can appeal your ban by sending them a message. So I sent them a message saying, like, hey, I'm a comedian. I'm sorry. It was a joke.
Starting point is 00:04:30 Like, you know, I like Twitter. I'm on there for a bit. I promote shows. Also, if you don't give it back, I'm going to chop your head off too. Yes. Which is funny. That's where you go.
Starting point is 00:04:40 She's funny, and you bring her back onto your fucking dumb platform. All right. You're just fun with beheadings, we realized over here at Twitter. So that's probably why I did that. I never let people know that,
Starting point is 00:04:50 but that is probably why I didn't get that. That's fucking crazy. February 26, 1906. Yeah. Hans Bertram was born in a rhyme sheet. Who gives a shit? Germany. Rhyme shit.
Starting point is 00:05:11 Rhyme shit. He was a child during World War II and really wanted to be a pilot, but his parents did not approve. Okay. He talked to his father into sending him to Hamburg to go to university,
Starting point is 00:05:24 but his plan was to go to a pilot school while he was there, which he did. Okay. He learned to fly. He was taught by a German fighter pilot? Wait, is this about a bug that gets on his plane?
Starting point is 00:05:36 That would just be unbelievable. Yeah, you know, that's cool. Call German people bugs. That's cool. That's super cool. Oh yeah, no. There's not worse things to say. There goes our German audience.
Starting point is 00:05:46 They're usually the ones that terminate. Sorry, it would be a... I'm kidding. My stepmom's German. That's fine. Germans don't do anything bad. Yeah, no. So he was taught by a German fighter pilot
Starting point is 00:06:00 named Paul... Dave, you said piter-filot. Did I? Yeah. I'm jet lagged. It's gonna be weird. It's gonna be weird. It's gonna be super weird.
Starting point is 00:06:11 No, you're let-jagged. Piter-filot. He was taught by a German fighter pilot named Paul Braumer, who was known as the Iron Eagle. He shot down, like, 38 planes in the war, so he's a big stud. Okay.
Starting point is 00:06:25 So he's teaching Paul, he's teaching Hans, and then Hans goes on his sixth solo flight, right? Okay, so it's kind of Hans-off experience. Mm-hmm, yeah. It's more Hans-on, because he's the only one in there. If he wasn't in the plane, it would be Hans-off,
Starting point is 00:06:48 but it's Hans-on. I thought it was a solo flight. Yeah. Like a Hans-solo. You keep flipping them the bird, which is actually also another name for a plane. That's fair. So you're very clever.
Starting point is 00:07:03 He's really clever. Quote, I heard a loud explosion in my motor, and my plane burst into flames around me. So they're not supposed to do that. The upper-wing motor and fuselage were all burning. The explosion and widespread fire were almost instantaneous. Well, that's how it works.
Starting point is 00:07:24 I mean, it's not like you're like, ooh, put it out. Get your anchor cheap. That was the first tiger flight, actually. So he tries to... I don't think they have parachutes at this point, so he's trying to land the plane that's on fire. Okay.
Starting point is 00:07:47 Interesting. It's barreling toward the ground. That's not how you land. Not the right verb. His plan is to get down as close as he can to the ground and then hop out. What? So his plan is what I thought when I was nine years old.
Starting point is 00:08:01 You did it for plane crash. No, just get on the wing and then jump right before it lands. Yeah, you'll be fine. It's the same as when you're in an elevator and you're like, oh, if it drops, I'll just jump at the last bit. I'll jump. I'll be fine.
Starting point is 00:08:11 I'll just do a quick jump and then I'll land softly while everyone dies around me. Oh, they didn't jump. Fools! Right. Okay, right. Quote, I pulled back on the stick at the last possible moment
Starting point is 00:08:26 and the plane reacted instantly. It reared up, the burning wing snapped, and we smashed into the grass. The petrol tank on which I'd just been sitting exploded on impact. Don't sit on a petrol tank. Yeah, I think that's the lesson you learned there. Yeah, don't sit on those.
Starting point is 00:08:41 Yeah. So he was thrown out when the plane hits the ground. He did a few somersaults. I think he embellished what he did. Nine somersaults, and then I did a round off, and obviously the judges loved it, except for the German, the irony.
Starting point is 00:09:00 So then he springs up, people run over, his leather jacket's on fire. They put it out. He's somehow fine. What? Yeah. The iron eagle walks up and takes off his leather jacket
Starting point is 00:09:14 and hands it to him and says, Get back up there. Tells him to take his plane and fly three times around the... Wait, what the fuck is going on? Airfield. It's crazy macho shit.
Starting point is 00:09:27 He's like, You just survived a plane crash? Do it again! Don't be a pussy! And he sends it back up to fly around three times to just like, Don't be scared of flying.
Starting point is 00:09:36 That's your reward for living? Right, okay. So he does it. He gets up and he flies around three times. And then the wing gets on fire. He's looking at his plane that's burning. He's flying around.
Starting point is 00:09:44 Okay, sure. Totally normal. I don't know. That's toxic masculinity. It's locker room talk. Simple locker room talk. So in his class, he had a fellow student from China
Starting point is 00:09:59 who was an officer who was put in charge of forming a Chinese Naval Air Force. Okay. He asked Hans to join him. For the Chinese Naval Air Force? And Hans is a German? Yep.
Starting point is 00:10:12 Sure. Okay. Great. No more questions. Well, actually, No, it's like a soccer, you know, for a soccer team and you're in Australia,
Starting point is 00:10:21 but your parents were born in Nigeria. You can play for the Nigerian team. It's the same thing. Were his parents Chinese? Nope. Okay. But is it? It's the same thing,
Starting point is 00:10:31 but it's planes. Right. I'll stop asking questions, but you've not won me over. Just trust me. Yeah, where's the story going? We're just going to jump to the end. Okay.
Starting point is 00:10:44 I bet it ends with somersaults. So at 21, Hans became a Chinese officer. Dave, we must be careful nowadays. Is that okay? I mean, it's, it's the fucking long time ago. That's right. I'm Chinese. Yes.
Starting point is 00:11:11 Viola. Hans. Yes. That's right. Yeah. From China. Yeah. Hans of China.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Hey, Gareth. Now do the Chinese accent. Ah. Can we get the check? Thank you. That's been the show. Thanks. Only white people accent.
Starting point is 00:11:32 Except the Irish. We've got a, we've got a dwindling list shrinking. So he's a Chinese officer and not over that. He's an, he's an official advisor to the Chinese Naval Air Force. Is anyone flagging him? It's fine. Okay. He's responsible for all major aircraft purchases of the Chinese Naval Air Force.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Okay. So he makes lots of chips back and forth from China to Germany. And in September, 1931, a German aircraft company called Junkers. Whoa. What? It better be with a Z. Hey, we're Junkers. I assume it's Junkers, but let's just go with Junkers.
Starting point is 00:12:19 Yeah. For sure. Gave him a C plane to make this trip back and forth that he was flying on. Oh, you want to get a Junker for that? Yeah. So pilots are, we're very superstitious, they don't like to, or I don't know if they still are, but they, they always plan not to fly on the 13th day of a trip. Well, this is when people gave a shit about like pilots feelings.
Starting point is 00:12:42 Unlike now when we're just like, you tired? Get going. Let's go. You drunk? Get up there. Let's move. Come on. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:12:51 Too soon? Yep. I don't know if Sully would like that one. Sully could suck it. What? Fuck you. Big fucking deal. A bunch of geese flowing and you're crashing on the water.
Starting point is 00:13:02 Ooh la la. That gets you on the Today Show. Not on my watch. Tom Hanks plays you because you crashed in water. Hollywood. He landed in water. You didn't crash. He landed in water.
Starting point is 00:13:14 I think we're splitting hairs here. That's right, Sully. I'm coming at you. The only one. So he's, so they're the superstition thing. They're like, it's the 13th day, but we're behind schedule. We got to go. So they fly on the 13th day.
Starting point is 00:13:33 Oh no. Are we about to hear like... It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. They hit fog along, they're flying on the east coast of India. They hit fog. They try to land in a harbor, but hit a wave and crash. What?
Starting point is 00:13:49 What? What? How big was the wave? I mean, I think if you're in a plane and really any kind of decent sized wave is pretty fucked. Yeah. Because usually runways aren't like whoo. Like they're like pretty flat. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:04 So if you want to... Your pilot could surf it. Yeah, I think you just go... Yeah, exactly. You ride through the middle. Yeah. It's just like easy. I've seen it on TV.
Starting point is 00:14:12 It's like point break. Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking maybe you have seen any. He's not coming back. I feel like neither one of you ever watched TV. That's the only thing I've watched. Whatever. He fucking crashed.
Starting point is 00:14:20 I mean, let's just all agree on that. Some of us like to say he surfed. But he lived as it is two-man crew. And then someone was like, get back up there. Well... Three rounds. Junkers gave him a new seaplane. Junkers?
Starting point is 00:14:35 Which he renamed the Atlantis. So he's got a plane called the Atlantis. You get it? Yeah, good way to lose. You get it? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, lost city. You get it?
Starting point is 00:14:45 I don't get it. I don't either. The last plane went down in the water. So this one he's like... Oh, right. So you name it after a city where everyone died? Yep, yep. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:55 Okay, good call. I'm not sure. Sorry, are we poking holes in your hero's story? I just don't think Atlantis is in a real city. This just sounds like a shit parlor. Yep, that's fair. So soon after that Hans and his aircraft mechanic Adolf Klossmann. Easy.
Starting point is 00:15:18 Easy does it now, David. Rough couple of years for him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's half minutes. Mr Klossmann will do. Adolf. So they set out from Germany to fly to China. The whole idea is to sell Junkers aircraft around the world, right?
Starting point is 00:15:41 The name is... I know, I could call it Junkers, but I'm just not gonna... No, no, no. I definitely like Junkers. Hey, welcome to Junkers. What do you need? A wing? We got one.
Starting point is 00:15:52 Let's go. So the Chinese consul convinced them to fly around Australia before heading to China. Well, fired up about it too, obviously. Listen to that enthusiasm. Don't lose so fast. I think there's another crash coming. He lands in a volcano. I'll call it magma.
Starting point is 00:16:18 More homages to my terrible pilotry. So at the time there were a lot of Chinese in Australia. They were being killed at Goldfields and stuff. And oh, truth. Oh. Oh. Oh, my grandpa. Oh.
Starting point is 00:16:39 At least you guys are past all that racism now. And they thought... So the Chinese thought that having the plane fly around Australia might increase interest in helping China get the naval air force, right? They're still trying to build up. So they send the guy who keeps crashing to sort of sell the product. Yeah, yeah. Oh, let's do that.
Starting point is 00:17:06 A German pilot recommended they fly at night through the region saying... Who's this man? Who's this man who made a terrible decision? It's a guy who's done it. He's like, oh, you're flying down in the southern hemisphere around Australia? Great idea. Fly at night. Well, do it at night.
Starting point is 00:17:21 He described it as exhilarating. It's exhilarating. You never feel anything like it. Yeah, it's amazing. And what was his name? Goebbels or... Goebbels air. No.
Starting point is 00:17:33 No. Tragic care in the sky. So on May the 14th, 1932, they did just that. Flying out of... Coupang? Where's Coupang? That guy's pointing that out. This guy...
Starting point is 00:17:50 Whatever this guy... Okay. The guy in front who did this. Anyway, I assume it's north of your country. Sure. So he took off at exactly midnight on the 14th to avoid the 13th. Sure. That'll fool the spirits.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Yeah, yeah. Let's tell you a fool of this. Ooh, he just got away. Next year we strive. So your version of Friday the 13th or the 13th is there's ghosts. Let's go for a swim. This is all... Let's get on this plane at midnight.
Starting point is 00:18:34 What is that? Oh, jet ski. Jason on a jet ski? Why are ghosts always old? And they're always dressed in ye olde English? Why is there never a ghost of a guy who died on a jet ski? Dude, we fucking killed him! You messed it!
Starting point is 00:18:54 My brain hit a rock! I got a hate ghost so much now. Yeah! Fucking haunting the shit out of you right now, dude. Yes, you are. Man. You're really haunting the shit out of us. We should make ghost cookies.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Dude, fucking kegger. Ghost kegger. No ghost kegger. Fucking do it. Get some IPA kegger. Oh my god. Booze! This is the worst ghost.
Starting point is 00:19:22 Booze! This is the worst ghost. Come on, bro. Fucking brost. Come on. Brost, yeah. Right. He sounds like he'd have a drug dealer called Junkers.
Starting point is 00:19:36 Dude, can you go to Junkers place? I can take over your body and buy a sweet bag. Like an eighth of nugs, dude. Sick nugs of the crystals! Why is it? Take nugs, dude! Why would you have to take over my body? Because I can't physically grab the shit.
Starting point is 00:19:54 I need your body to actually smoke it. I can just go get it. Yeah, but I gotta be in you to smoke it, dude. You're not gonna get high. Yeah, I'll get fucking high as shit, dude. I've read about it. I've read about your fucking ghost. I'm boogal.
Starting point is 00:20:07 Boogal it, dude. I'm not boogaling anything. Boogal it, bro. I'm not gonna boogal it. Aw, here we fucking go, dude. I'm here for eternity. You better buckle up for some fucking partying. I'm gonna kill myself.
Starting point is 00:20:19 If you kill yourself, you're gonna live in the house with me as a ghost, and we're gonna need to now find another body. You'll get those sweet, crisply nugs. Think log term, dickhole. You realize you came uninvited to a kegger and died, right? Hey, hey, hey, hey. I died in a jet ski, bro. You knew what you were getting into with me.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Where were you going on your jet ski? Fucking had no destination in mind except for Nirvana. AKA Bali. Isn't that everyone's destination on a jet ski? Man, you said it. You said it, bro. It's actually really fun. Like, I used to pay out jet skis, and then as soon as I was on one,
Starting point is 00:21:06 I was like, this is so good. Oh, no, I've become my nightmare. Um... All right, so they fly out at midnight. I forgot what started this. There's a storm. 45 minutes later, they come across a storm, and they weren't expecting. Did the storm not know about the 13th?
Starting point is 00:21:32 No, it didn't know. They flew low to avoid it, and they continue flying low for hours at 1,000 feet, guided by their instruments. The daybreak comes... Remember, it's a little plane, so they don't have a lot of gas. Daybreak comes, Hans is very surprised to discover they're not flying at 1,000 feet. They're flying at 150 feet. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:21:53 I mean, 1,000 is low. Yeah. 150. Super low. This is so fucked up. So Adolf tries to plot their position and realizes they're way off course. They're north of Darwin, so he corrects course. An hour later, there's still no land, and they're running out of fuel.
Starting point is 00:22:18 Oh, boy. And then Adolf spots land, and they head for it, and they manage to land in the water just off a beach. They're alive. They don't have a lot of gas left. Okay. So they sling their hammocks and just go to sleep, because they had a rough fucking ride all night.
Starting point is 00:22:37 Sure. They crash out. Yeah, sling that hammock. Yeah, sling that hammock. A couple of bros in hammocks. And a ghost, bro. And then... The ghosts, the bros.
Starting point is 00:22:49 And then a shrill call wakes them. They look out to see an aboriginal man. On the beach, 20 meters away. Okay. And they're surprised to see anyone, because it's a desert, and they try to communicate, but they can't, because they speak different languages. It's totally hopeless.
Starting point is 00:23:08 He's very nice though. He smiles, and he's like, hey, and then he just leaves. He's like... That's a... Yeah, that's a... Oh, he was a sweetheart. What did he run to? What did he run off?
Starting point is 00:23:18 Do you know Captain Cook? Yeah. I think I forgot to read the thing that I'm supposed to read, which just adds up for any aboriginal listeners during this dollop, that'll be mentioning the names of some deceased aboriginal people. I'm supposed to do that, right? Sure. I'm an American.
Starting point is 00:23:36 What do I fucking know? In America, we don't... We don't care at all. Come on, sir. No, that's right. You should yell out, fuck America. That's the crack response. I honestly don't know why you all don't turn on us.
Starting point is 00:23:59 Oh, that's coming. Totally. It's so coming. Well, America right now is slinging hammocks while someone sweet waves at us. We're like, huh, where'd he go? So this guy takes off, and then... Not in the plane, he just runs away.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Yeah, no, he just ran away. And then they come out, and there's flies. Okay. Quote, hundreds no thousands of flies are swarming about. If you don't cover your mouth when you speak, they fly in. Oh, wow. So they're up your nose, in your ears, and love the corner of your eyes.
Starting point is 00:24:46 Our flying helmets and goggles are put to use to protect our faces and keep us sane. They're wearing pilot gear just so they don't get fly head? Yeah. That will make you look like a fly. Our leader! Brave leader fly! The rumors were true.
Starting point is 00:25:06 We knew you'd return. Fly in his mouth. We'll control him. Just like the scripture said. One of the flies was on the plane, though. He got there, and he was like, what are you guys talking about? What's up? I can't understand you.
Starting point is 00:25:24 Where I come from, it's... It's... Oh, look at the boy. See that? He's here. See this? Jesus Christ. You should listen to the doll,
Starting point is 00:26:01 the person turns it on right at that moment. What the fuck? A nightmare. My speakers blew. What's up with the guys that do fly impressions for 10 minutes? The guy who does the backwards velocity raptor, is what I'm worried about. It's an Australian fly sound.
Starting point is 00:26:18 Sure. So their plan is to get back in the plane, take off, fly, and land and have breakfast in Darwin. Their plan is crazy. Breakfast? They're planning meals? They're dying on an island of flies. They're just going to fly over to Darwin. So they're hungry, they have no food or water.
Starting point is 00:26:40 Hans calculates that they're on the north side of Melville Island, which is 50 kilometers north of Darwin. Okay. And the map shows an outpost called Port Cockburn. It's pretty. Cockburn? Fuck off. You changed it. There's no way that's called, not called Cockburn.
Starting point is 00:27:04 That's just straight up Cockburn. You don't get to, you don't get to change. It's in the Scythlitic Isles. You don't get to, you don't get to change how you say cock. Like, I'll give you all the other ones, but not cock. Well, that's what happens when you, like, have 100 years of people calling it Cockburn. You're like, it's Coke, please.
Starting point is 00:27:24 Is anybody from Cockburn? Ow. All right. They don't know. Nobody made the trip. So, which, so, uh, Port Cockburn is on the south side of the island, which should only be a 15 minute flight. They've got enough fuel for 10 minutes,
Starting point is 00:27:41 so they figure they will, they will fly and get close and land and then walk, then walk the rest of the way. It's not like him to get it wrong. Yeah, right. So, I hate this guy. Get, get ready. Oh no. So he, he's, he takes off, they take off in the plane,
Starting point is 00:28:02 he's watching the coastline, he's watching the fuel gauge. There's no sign of a settlement anywhere. And then they run out of fuel and Hans lands in an inlet. And they search for water for hours. They can't find anything. The only thing to drink is the oily water from the radiator, but it's disgusting. So then night comes and they go,
Starting point is 00:28:22 they sleep in their hammocks again. Okay. They decided to try to find the aboriginal guy who was on the beach. Like, that guy seemed cool. He had a lot of solutions. The guy who waved and ran away. He was smiling, he was nice. He was happy.
Starting point is 00:28:40 I like your thing. It wasn't thirsty. No, it was not thirsty. From what they could tell. Not like thirsty in the least. So they take what they need, water bag, maps, pistol, matches, and cigarettes. Cigarettes being on the list is always awesome.
Starting point is 00:28:55 What do we need? Well, we obviously need cigarettes. That'll dehydrate us. Get some of that oily water. We're going to need that in that water bag. So they filled the water bag with radiator water and spiked it with mouthwash to disguise the taste. Hey, Dave, if anyone here is disgusted, we'll speak up.
Starting point is 00:29:15 Who wants mouthwash oil water? Anyone thirsty? Did not expect a response. It tastes better than Perth water, sorry. Sorry, but the tap water here, my God. I've lost some, all right. She's on board still. She's like, Becky, I need you.
Starting point is 00:29:40 Fuck your water. Fuck our water, Becky. You and I will drink Avion. Together. I'm from Brisbane, it's shit there too. Yeah, don't get all... She's from the... We're from America.
Starting point is 00:29:55 I mean, for God's sake. We're drinking lead. Yeah. We're drinking Prozac in America. That's where we're at. So they start walking. They go on over steep, sharp rocks, sharp edges through razor-edged grass
Starting point is 00:30:11 as tall as a man. It's not great. The sun is... Looks like a lot of cuts. The sun is brutal. And then Hans rips the water bag on a sharp rock and all the water drains into the sand. Oh no, we'll have bad breath
Starting point is 00:30:25 instead of that minty fresh oil bag. They keep walking. Soon they're walking for two days without water. So they're fucked. They stumble along in DeLarium along the shore and on day three they come to an inlet. And the walk around the inlet looks way too long. So they're like, let's just swim across this inlet.
Starting point is 00:30:49 That's telling the reaction of the audience. That's an Australian reaction. Everyone else is like, what? Lovely swim across an inlet. What could be wrong? Yeah. So Hans and Adolf strip off all their clothes. Nice.
Starting point is 00:31:05 And tie everything into a small pack. Nice. And then they make sweet love. Yeah, I was gonna say, it just sounds like an excuse to get nude. You know what we should do is strip our clothes off. I was thinking the exact same thing. Oh, look what fits in there. Oh.
Starting point is 00:31:22 Bitch, I knees. I don't know. Fit naked. Let me sling my hammock in you. God. I do like that that guy's trying to join. Yeah. It didn't work out.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Great. Yeah. So they're stumbling around. It's not great. They're naked. They put everything into a small pack and then Hans is carrying that. All they have on is their safari hats.
Starting point is 00:32:01 Oh, so it's kind of like a cool, like porno look. It's like 20 minutes into a porno. It's like hedonism too. Like they're like on their hats. What? Tie cocks. Oh, no, they did not tie cocks. I think that'll end the question segment of the show.
Starting point is 00:32:24 You can't tie cocks and you'll get cockburned. Thank you. It's from another episode we did recently. Yeah. Clock tying. So halfway across Hans feels something, a cold sensation on the back of his neck. Yeah, he does.
Starting point is 00:32:42 Yeah. Hello. Hello. Oh, my God. I had water the whole time. Yeah. You know when I hide liquid? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:51 Mm. God's straw. No. They would have tried that once. Because you can only do it a few times. Yeah. You can. I think you can only drink each other's piss like three times.
Starting point is 00:33:10 And then it's toxic. Yeah. No, it's kind of like pulling it back and forth. What doctor told you that? It's a family doctor. I had a doctor. I had a really, this doctor once, sorry, this is going off. I had a pain in my chest, I guess, yeah, whatever.
Starting point is 00:33:34 And I went in to get it checked by the doctor and he was like, all right, well, let's just have a look at your tit. He said tit? The doctor said tit. Yeah, yeah. That's Australia. What? I feel like that happens all the time.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Yeah, I was like, well, that's actually inappropriate. Now, have a look at my moat and I'm going to get out of here. Yeah. Bet you haven't heard that word for a while. You probably haven't heard it ever. No. It's great. Cultural exchange.
Starting point is 00:34:12 No, thank you for doing it. Google it. All right, get your tits out. Doctor? No, I'm not a doctor. I'm a janitor. Anyway. So he feels his ice cold sensation on his back and he turns and it's little ripples in the water.
Starting point is 00:34:35 Oh, my God. No, no. That's not like a wrapper, is it? And they're starting, like, forward. What's up? It's little ripples. It's a wrapper. Yo, it's me, little ripples.
Starting point is 00:34:43 Let's do this, dog. I'm with puddles. Yeah, what's up? Little ripples and puddles. Let's do this shit. Let's rip it. Sling the hammock, yo. So he realizes there's one, no two, no three.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Oh, my God, more. There's a bunch of crocodiles fucking like, dinner. The crocodiles are out there like, holy shit. Finally. Christmas. They don't even have to get those nasty clothes out of our teeth with these two. They've already helped us. So Hans just drops the pack and they just swim for their life.
Starting point is 00:35:27 They make it just in time and they scramble out. Of course, now they're completely naked except for safari hats. Dino might look. Oh, my God. And the crocodiles are like, I feel like we won. I mean, they look really stupid up there. Hans quote, barefoot and naked, we lie beneath a burning sun on an equally burning beach. For half an hour, we don't speak.
Starting point is 00:35:58 What are you going to say? What do you say? We should do this again. Half an hour? Yeah. We didn't speak for that long backstage. No, we did. But we wore safari hats.
Starting point is 00:36:13 All we have left is our pistols, safari hats, flying goggles and neckerchiefs. Oh, so they can add to the look a little bit. They can kind of goggle out with kerchiefs. Yeah, I mean, they can look nice. They can look like they're going to a disco. Yeah, yeah. Studio 54. My mother embroidered my neckerchief for me and I'm glad I still have it.
Starting point is 00:36:36 What? Hans said that on Mama's Boy. They decided that they have to turn back and get back to the plane now. What? Sure. Yeah. How about? The plane has no fuel, right?
Starting point is 00:36:51 No, but it's got clothes and water. It has water. Well, there's more water. It has the fuel water. Yeah, the radiator water. Sure. Yum. So they hide from the sun behind a boulder for a bit before they start out when they're
Starting point is 00:37:03 startled by a kangaroo. It's just sitting there looking at them. Kangaroo's like, what the fuck? It's just a crocodile with a dead kangaroo on its head. Oh, no. He's land-based. So Hans takes out the pistol and shoots and misses it completely because he's so weak from not having drank in three days or had food and the pistol recoil kicks back and
Starting point is 00:37:30 he gashes his eye open. Oh, my God. Fine. He's got goggles. Fine. Now he's exhausted, he's almost delirious. And a kangaroo's like, fuck you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:43 Kangaroo's like, this is bullshit. You're an asshole. Kangaroo takes off on a jet ski. Yeah. Boom. Kangaroo boo, bro, it's me. Yeah. Dude, I jumped in this kangaroo's body and now I live in it.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Talk about a plot. Oh, my God. I'm the real story here. Living this kangaroo on a jet ski. Dude, I'm going to live forever. It's kangaroo boo, too. Yeah. Pro-supial.
Starting point is 00:38:15 Woo. What's in my pouch? A fucking doom and a 40. Let's do this. Those are my babies. Oh, yeah. So, right then, he's like, I have a pistol. I should kill myself and kill it off.
Starting point is 00:38:39 Wow. Wow. Okay. That happened fast. And then he thinks about it and he goes, we fuck. If I'm thinking about that, we can't have this pistol. So he throws the pistol into... What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:38:50 Into the inlet. And then right when he does that, he's like, oh fuck, I shouldn't have done that. When you're with him, you're like, hey, no more decisions at all from you. But he's still, but he's still kind of on one hand. He's like, I should have done that because we probably would have killed ourselves.
Starting point is 00:39:09 We probably would. At least this... The other guy's like, nah, nah. You should open up more and talk to me, because I don't know what's spinning over there with you. Maybe we wouldn't have done that. Maybe we wouldn't shoot ourselves with a pistol because we would shoot a kangaroo.
Starting point is 00:39:23 There's another idea. There's a crocodile. There's fucking animals around here. So I start to walk back to the plane. Flies are swarming in their open wounds. At night, the flies disappear and the mozzies take over. Is that mosquitoes? Mosquitoes, yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:42 Mosquitoes. Mosy. Mosy, mosy, mosy. Yeah. Alright, I'm going to take off. Why? It's also super cold at night. They're freezing.
Starting point is 00:39:57 But they have goggles. Yeah. They dig a hole to cover themselves. Oh, they've dug a hole, Dave. To cover themselves in sand. So then all that's out is their face and an arm. And then the face, they cover it with a hat, so just the arm is out,
Starting point is 00:40:15 but the mosquitoes are just devouring the arm so they can't sleep. What's with the arm being out? Is it because you can't bury your arm? Yeah, they couldn't bury the other arm. So they decided to take shifts. One man would cover the other completely in sand. Adolf takes the first in his sand bed,
Starting point is 00:40:32 and then they switch. It's just a good time. Yeah. And then they keep walking back. It's a four-day trek back to the plan. They walk, and even at some point they're crawling, but they finally make it. Okay.
Starting point is 00:40:47 Quote, your bodies and feet are cut up and covered with, that can't, that had to have been a word, pussy wounds again. No. Puppy wounds, Dave. Pussy. It's got to be pussy.
Starting point is 00:40:59 That's a pretty great, maybe I did that. That's pretty awesome. You were tired. So they're covered in pussy wounds. Sure. But we haven't gone mad. We had our rational goal of water.
Starting point is 00:41:15 We have known where it was, and we stayed sane. So they got back to the water. The Atlantis has... So they were finally able to drink from the radiator and feel normal again. That's right. It feels like just a few days before,
Starting point is 00:41:26 they were like, we'll just get breakfast in Darwin. It was, what was it, four days ago, they were like, here's what we'll get. I'm thinking we brunch.
Starting point is 00:41:34 I'm getting the eggs. I'm getting the eggs. We're obviously getting eggs. I'm getting scrammies. Even though my tummy plays up, but it's worth it. It's worth it. You're going to deserve it
Starting point is 00:41:42 when we get there to Darwin. We should make a reservation online. Check the queue. Two days light a gun to hit. You guys threw the gun in the water because we were going to kill each other. Remember Brunch and Darwin? This movie is going to be called Brunch and Darwin.
Starting point is 00:41:57 When does the Brunch and Darwin happen? So the Atlantis has clean underwear, warm clothes, blankets in the hammocks, a cabin sealed against mosquitoes, a cigarette and a cup and a jug of water, right? When you're dehydrated, definitely start pounding some grits.
Starting point is 00:42:14 But no food? There's no food. But they're happy for now. It's been seven days. This is day seven. The press has been notified. They're missing. Hands and eight off have been surprised
Starting point is 00:42:28 they haven't seen a search plane yet. They thought they would have seen that. This is the 13th. That's right. So they decided they need to try for Port Cockburn again. They don't like that. You call it by the name that they've given it.
Starting point is 00:42:46 Well, it was given that name. Cockburn. There's no way it was Cokeburn. Ever. Ever. I'm not doing that. Coburn? Coburn.
Starting point is 00:42:59 Fuck you. Absolutely not. Absolutely. You don't look at the word cock and drop the CK. Fuck off. That is absolute nonsense. And you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Starting point is 00:43:13 Every fucking one of you. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. Wait, wait, wait. Coburn. Just the worst. Come on. So they, you live there? Port Cock.
Starting point is 00:43:34 I'm dropping the burn. They're fucking a place named after VD. So they're going to make it there again, but now they're like, there's no way we can walk. They only have three liters of water in the radiator. They come up with a plan to use the seaplane floats and turn it into a sailboat. I don't hate the idea.
Starting point is 00:44:01 They also, using parts of the plane, construct a patent lighter, whatever. Put some shit together to make it lighter. Boat inventory. 12 cigars, 50 cigarettes. Tobacco and a pipe. So they're good there. They're good.
Starting point is 00:44:15 They're good to go. Don't even worry about anything. You're going to feel fine. Yeah, I just have a couple of pipes and a few smokes. Couple cigars. You'll be ready to go. They just try to kill themselves with cigarettes. They just want to die now.
Starting point is 00:44:26 Remember when you threw the gun in the water, we need cancer instead. Let's go. So they each smoke a cigar and two cigarettes. What? This is before they knew that it made your mouth like... On day eight, they begin turning the plane into a boat. They use two bath robes and a pair of pants. It's a great start.
Starting point is 00:44:50 It's like Joe versus the volcano. Nobody knows what you're talking about. They probably changed the name here. Volcano Joe? Shit movie. It was about when Sully went on Nimrod. They use two bath robes and a pair of pants sewn together as a sail. Sure.
Starting point is 00:45:10 A side rudder and paddles are made from the plane's flag and spare tin. They put sand in the bottom of several chambers as ballast and cut a tree down for the mast. They build the boat in three days. The next day, it's two stormy to sail. But Adolf finds a fishing hook in the toolbox. They're very excited. They have no bait, but he jiggles the empty hook in the water
Starting point is 00:45:39 for like an hour until he catches a fish. What? This fish? He's hoping the fish is as stupid as he is. Yes, and they are. A hook? Yum! What? The fish is small, but they devour it. They make soup, but Adolf was so excited.
Starting point is 00:45:58 Want a radiator soup? What? Adolf was so excited when he caught the fish that he dropped the hook and lost it. No, I can't. When can we trust an Adolf? Yeah, possible. Adolf course? Yeah, oh yeah, good guy.
Starting point is 00:46:21 They don't know how bad he is. The storm intensifies. The tin linings of the aircraft. Of the boat. Aircraft. They take them off to make funnels to collect rain. It rains so hard, they collect 12 liters, which is enough for 20 days. On day 13, the storm's over and they pack everything into the boat.
Starting point is 00:46:42 It's divided into nine separate compartments. The front compartments full of fresh water. The second is their luggage. Compartment three holds the mast. They have luggage. Yeah, they have luggage. Like empty luggage? No, they have luggage.
Starting point is 00:46:59 Let's just stick to these safari hats and goggles. I like what we're developing over here. I like the look. They got back to the plane and put clothes on. They're clothes now. Oh, okay. Problems are over. So Adolph and Hans sit cross-legged in compartments four and five,
Starting point is 00:47:21 and the back four compartments are empty, but sealed tight. The boat is 10 centimeters out of the water, so waves can crash over them pretty easy. Okay? At the same time, a search is on for them. In the coastline around Darwin, Melville Island, people are out searching. When Hans and Adolph hit the open sea, it quickly turns very difficult. It turns out the current and waves are a bit too much for a plane boat. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:50 For their float. The rudder is too small, and they have no directional control. They are blown backwards towards land, towards dangerous rocks. They have to fight a four-hour battle, trying to avoid the rocks, and they make it back to the beach. Hey, we did it! Yeah, all right! We conquered that day, Motherfucker!
Starting point is 00:48:13 Yeah, you're damn right we did, Motherfucker, we did it! We're back where we started. Why? I would shoot myself. I wish I had the gun. Hey, go swimming! Next time, they decide they will sail further out to the sea to avoid the rocky coast. So they'll go around. So they are going, there's the next time. The next day.
Starting point is 00:48:34 The next day they head out at midnight when the sea is very calm. Yep, when you can't see anything in it, perfect. They're 10 kilometers out, and then turn west to sail around Melville Island. But wind and waves pick up and start crashing over the boat. The open compartments in the back are filling up with water. So now they're basically paddling a submarine. But they're still on target, and believe they'll make it to Port Cockburn in three days. Second to turn.
Starting point is 00:49:09 They're really mad about it. On the second day in the boat plane, they realize they're trapped in a current and being pulled further out to sea. They're now 20 kilometers out. The sea here is much rougher, you know, like a sea. They also can't open the freshwater compartment in front because if they do it will flow with salt water. Right, right. So now they're getting very dehydrated again. And then the rudder is completely destroyed by waves, so now they can't steer at all.
Starting point is 00:49:41 They're just floating. That to be fair, I don't think they were ever really steering. It's kind of like Dumbo's feather, really. They give into the fact that they're going to die. Okay, well, okie dokie. Only now? Yeah. And then they see smoke on the horizon.
Starting point is 00:50:00 It's a ship. So it offwaves the signal flag they have. The ship is 150 meters. Which is a bathrobe, right? Yeah. Yeah. Hey! And then when the ship is just 150 meters away, Hans fires five flares up one by one.
Starting point is 00:50:16 The ship is so close that they can read the name, the Coolinda. But there's no one on deck and the ship just passes by. He probably shot them all dead. Oh no! Not at the boat. So they start to cry. More undrinkable water. German tears.
Starting point is 00:50:41 Jesus. On day 15, Adolf loses his shit. Quote, I give up, I can't go on, I don't care what you do to me, I can't go on. Okay. And then he totally stops talking and becomes totally uncommunicative. Okay. That's me when my Uber Eats delivery is taking longer than it should. I give up.
Starting point is 00:51:02 It's the same play. It's exactly the same. Yeah. I'm done talking to you. So Hans is feeling very alone. That night it's very calm and Hans stares at the stars, looks up to God and he prays. Then he says he no longer feels alone. He's found God.
Starting point is 00:51:21 Hans can scarcely even talk to Adolf. He's now determined to get out of this. He's God, whatever. So wait, he can't talk to him because he's mad at him? No, Adolf's just totally like a... It's like he's turned into like a rock. He's like... All right.
Starting point is 00:51:39 And then the other guy's like, Jesus. But Hans is born again. Yeah, Hans is becoming born again. The other guy's like... I wish I was never born. And so... How dare you? And so...
Starting point is 00:51:53 That's a walkout. Well, they're very German. Would it be hilarious if they walked out because I was saying Cockburn? So... So whatever, Hans gets strength from this guy person. Sure. And he's pushing them to row, right? He's like...
Starting point is 00:52:14 He's pushed to row. He's like, I'm going to start fucking rowing. With his hand? I think they have... Bathroborers. You know, they've got some kind of oar situation. Sure. You've got a paddle.
Starting point is 00:52:24 He gets ate off to row also and they row for days. They row so much their legs are swollen beyond recognition and their upper bodies blister from the sun. When the seas are smooth, they drink water, but it's getting low. They are now severely dehydrated. Finally on the fourth day, they get to land. And they stretch out on the beach
Starting point is 00:52:46 and the flies and mazies feast on them. Great. Good thing they did this. At least this time they have clothes on, though. Welcome to Banjara. Sir, shut up. After 20 days, they realize no rescue plane is coming for them. They're in bad shape with the swollen legs
Starting point is 00:53:11 and the weeping sores all over their body. Sure. So Hans decides instead of walking along the coast, they should take the shortcut and go directly across the island. Yeah, shortcuts sound pretty appealing right now, but they're probably mirages. So they've been three weeks without food and every time they stand up, they come close to passing out.
Starting point is 00:53:31 They decide to eat some leaves. Oh, boy. But they ate poisonous ones. Well, they eat eucalyptus leaves. Oh, shit. For hours. Oh, shit. Which qualas do and that's fine.
Starting point is 00:53:43 Yeah, but they're the only ones that can. They go up to nearby hill to survey. They crawl up and when they get to the top, they are elated because they miraculously came across a rock pool full of fresh water. This is one of the only perennial freshwater pools along that part of the coast and they lie in the pool for hours laughing and crying. They're so happy.
Starting point is 00:54:05 Again, you do not want to cry too much into the fresh water. The next morning they had it again. Turns out eating eucalyptus leaves was not a good idea. Really? They slept 22 hours a day and we're just there to take pictures. We've got chlamydia. Now. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:29 To Cockburn. They have bad stomach cramps but they keep going. They use a raincoat as a makeshift water carrier and it holds 25 liters. In what fashion? Just like a tub where you hold four corners and the middle just got water in it. I don't know what you do when you get there. Yeah, you're just like, okay, now we've got it.
Starting point is 00:54:52 Now we fuck. Let's never put this down. We'll take turns holding it. They have water, they have a compass that they took from the plane. On day 23, they climb a small hill and see the glimmering sea off the south coast and they hug and they scream and they yell. They've made it. But there's something wrong.
Starting point is 00:55:15 The sea is gray and motionless and they squint. It's a desert. It's a mirage. I mean, that actually happens. Did they do what the cartoons do? Run towards it and jump in like it was water and then go, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Well, Hans suddenly realizes, quote,
Starting point is 00:55:35 so this is what the north coast of Australia looks like. It's a navigational error. Fuck. He's like, it's all Chinese to me. You fucking idiot, I hate him. So Hans thought they had been blown left during that storm at the very beginning. When it turns out they had been blown to the right. Hey, Dave, is Hans an idiot?
Starting point is 00:56:05 So they're looking at the Kimberley region of northwest Australia. Oh my God. That's pretty bad. You can't get dry. It's not the kind of place you want to walk. What is it? I mean, it's just a massive bit of sand and desert. It's just you couldn't get a drier, more arid place.
Starting point is 00:56:25 And they thought it was a sea. On the same day they were officially pronounced dead by the German consul and honored with obituaries. Is that cool? Yeah. So the search mission is over. They're totally on their own. Plus Hans now realizes no one would have searched where they were,
Starting point is 00:56:47 which is 420 kilometers southwest of Darwin. Hans marks the position on the map. The town of Wyndham is two... Well, that one you guys used all the letters. It's 200 kilometers to the east. Every single thing they have done to date has taken them in the opposite direction, further from civilization. So literally every single choice they've made has been the wrong choice.
Starting point is 00:57:15 Up till now. It's got to kind of be validating in a way. Hey, these are consistent, huh? Every step we made was wrong. Except for when we were naked in those hats. Oh, that was the best. That was awesome. You're my best friend.
Starting point is 00:57:35 Okay, so a new plan. Get back to the waterhole, fix the boat, and sail east to Wyndham. Sure. They crawl, head spinning, they're tripping and falling, but they continue on. On day 26, they may get back to the coast, but there's no sign of the waterhole or the boat. How many sets of footprints were there? Four.
Starting point is 00:58:00 The devil, too. So they have to go east or west, but they don't know which way. Well, whatever you think, do the opposite. Do what I do when I'm lost driving. If I think right, I'm like left. It's got to be. So they hike in one direction for an entire day, and then realize once again they've gone the wrong way. What? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:22 So they turn around. It's slow going. Adolf's legs are totally covered in sores. He has to sit down every couple of steps because he keeps blacking out. So that's not, that's like a bad hiking partner. Yeah. So Hans decides to leave Adolf and he'll go find the boat, which he does, and it works.
Starting point is 00:58:44 He finds the boat. He finds the waterhole, he head backs and gets Adolf, and then together they hike back to the boat. It's windy. The boat has broken anchor and is now being smashed against the rocks. Well, it's not a boat. It's a boat. It's not a boat.
Starting point is 00:58:59 It's a plane boat. It's a boat. And they messed up. So they jump in to save the boat. They pull it out, but now there are gaping holes in the side and several compartments are filled with water. So for two days they go about repairing the boat. They saw off the section with the holes.
Starting point is 00:59:15 The boat is now only one and a half meters long. Wow. That's a dinghy. It's a boogie board. It's a jet ski. It's a what? No. Dude, I've got a fucking sick idea.
Starting point is 00:59:33 I told you if you say jet ski three times. Hear me out. Don't say jet ski three times. Hear me out. Let's turn this thing into a jet ski. Right? Sick. Maybe you say that about everything.
Starting point is 00:59:43 Well, yeah, because it's awesome for everything. That's how you died. Oh, dude, how I lived. Get it straight, Jack. Wow. Yeah. I don't know why you got so angry. Does anybody tell you you're just a completely shit ghost?
Starting point is 01:00:01 Like just a shit fucking ghost. Oh, yeah? Then how come I scored these sick wine coolers? Okay. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about, dude. You black out from walking.
Starting point is 01:00:12 I black out from partying. Come on, dude. Great. Give me a bro shake. Number one. Bring it in. No. Bring it in.
Starting point is 01:00:21 No. Come on. High five, bring it in. Get it in at the same time. Hey, dude. What? Huh? What?
Starting point is 01:00:29 You never seen a high five bring in? No. There's no such thing. Dude, dude, dude. Priority number one. Fuck the bell. Let me show you this check. How about doing it?
Starting point is 01:00:37 Dude, high five into a brohack. I'm not doing a high five. Dude. No. Well, sometimes I wonder if you guys even want to get saved. Get your priorities in check, dude. You stop arguing with the ghost. Let's go.
Starting point is 01:00:49 Oh, yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go. Rumors are true, bro. Dude, I'm gassed. Shit. I just knocked over your rainwater.
Starting point is 01:01:05 Fuck. I'm sorry. Wow. That's our fault for keeping you in a raincoat. Yeah. Fair. Fair. So they have now been lost for four weeks.
Starting point is 01:01:17 Oh, my God. It's a metric month. They build new oars the next day they plan to paddle to Wyndham, which is 200 kilometers away. They feel like they need something, some nourishment, so they eat some small green berries. Oh, boy. I mean, it's just not. They don't know if they're poisonous, but they're also in Australia, so everything is
Starting point is 01:01:49 poisonous. I feel like when you're a kid, your parents always like, don't eat berries. Yeah. And it's like, that's probably because of them. Yeah. Yeah. These are the guys. You hear about those guys who expect the rainwater from a coat?
Starting point is 01:02:02 Don't eat berries. Okay. You're crazy. So it turns out the berries were poisonous. Really? They both get fevers. They both get fevers and are sick for hours with their stomachs spasming. Good Lord.
Starting point is 01:02:20 Oh, so the next day they're feeling good. Would you try to kill yourself at this point? Yes. I would absolutely be like, I'm going to bash my head into a rock if I don't finish it, smash it for me. No, I'd be like, wear the crocodiles. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:31 Just jump in there. I want to just chill out, like stay in the same spot. Yeah. Yeah. Read a book. That you wrote. Listen to a podcast. Catch up.
Starting point is 01:02:40 It's a good time. It's a good time to relax. It's about us. Oh, this is meta. This is very meta. Oh, my God. It's writing itself. Oh, God, we've got bad stuff ahead.
Starting point is 01:02:49 There's a ghost. He's a bro. Sorry. I'm hearing now. Oh, it's funny, actually. Now it's a little tired. I'm getting a little sick of it. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:01 So on day 28, they paddle out in the boat, but the sea is too rough and they turn around. And then as they do, they see an orange glow. It's a fire. They see a fire burning. Someone has lit a fire. So they land the boat. It's crocodiles. It's crocodiles.
Starting point is 01:03:18 How did they? Enough can't walk. So Hans is like, I will go to the fire. He figures some Aboriginal people out there. They've lit a fire. So he walks. His shoes are tattered. So he wraps rags around his feet.
Starting point is 01:03:32 You want to look presentable. Yeah. He's making good time, but then he realizes the fire is pretty far off. Farther than he thinks. It's a mirage. He brought a plate of berries and eucalyptus, please. Gentlemen, I bring you poison. Oh, here's my flies.
Starting point is 01:03:47 Let us break bread. I'm full of flies and poisons. Please drink some rainwater from my jacket. Oh, I get so anxious at parties. I've got no one to talk to. How am I doing? So Hans walks through the night and then the next morning, he thought the fire was close so he didn't bother to take any water.
Starting point is 01:04:16 Sure. No. At this point, just assume. I think you're definitely at the time where you just make presumptions. And now the sun is brutally hot. And at noon, he finally makes it to the fire. Turns out it's just a regular bushfire. You just jump in it.
Starting point is 01:04:39 I mean, just end it. Adolf's dying from sores. You just walk two days to get to a natural fire. You're full of poison. You're out of water. Die. End it. Go.
Starting point is 01:04:55 Go away. God is telling you something. I'm so only getting started. So there's no one there. And Hans is on the verge of madness. He considers walking into the fire. You should. Absolutely.
Starting point is 01:05:14 What does Confucius say? Because he's Chinese. Remember? He's fake Chinese. And then he touches his neckerchief that his mom gave him and he snaps out of it. It's a little creepy. He cannot remember at all getting back to Adolf, but he did. He doesn't remember the entire walk back.
Starting point is 01:05:41 Sure. Day 32 AM. They decide to try the boat again. Sure. Yeah. The seas are calm. They stay just a few meters off the beach. And when the sun comes up, they have gone two kilometers.
Starting point is 01:05:59 At this pace, it will take them a hundred days to get to Windham. They've got it. And then waves force them back to shore. That's it. That's it. They give up. They are now resigned to wait until death takes them. Now in 1905, some Benedictine monks established a remote mission at Drysdale River up in the
Starting point is 01:06:30 Kimberley region. Hell yeah. Father Cubero had been running the mission since 1918. He took a boat from Windham to Drysdale and stopped near Crocodile Creek. And there some Aboriginal people came and showed him some stuff they had found. Oh boy. Look at this shit. In the little pile of stuff was a cigarette case with the initials HB.
Starting point is 01:06:57 Father Cubero sent a letter on the 1st of June to the Windham police station via a runner. It arrived two weeks later. So more of a walker. Then Sergeant Flinders, not the same. Sergeant Flinders wired his superiors in Perth and a search for Hans and Adolf was back on. But they were in such a remote location, it would take 14 days to reach them by land. Hans and Adolf found a rocky outcrop on the coast and took refuge. Then they heard what they thought was a search plane approaching.
Starting point is 01:07:34 And they ran out and they waved their arms. And it was? It was a plane. Okay. The plane flew, flies directly over them. Now directly over them is exactly where the pilot's only blind spot is. It's just absolutely time to commit suicide. I mean, I would never endorse it, but at this point.
Starting point is 01:08:01 So he couldn't see them and the plane just flies off? That feeling. No! Let me ask you something, though. Is this worse than the boat? It feels... I think the boat was worse. I don't remember the boat.
Starting point is 01:08:21 The worst thing was, it was a Junkers' plane. Junkers! But the pilot, however, had seen the Atlantis just moments before. So he went back and dropped several tins of wind'em beef. New Zealand sheep tongues, some tobacco and a water sack. Fucking party! So he's like, maybe they're here, I'll just throw some tongue out of the plane. Yeah, basically.
Starting point is 01:08:53 It's like you had bread and cheese. Well, that's for me, that's my lunch. I wasn't going to finish all the tongue. Through it to this gentleman. Hey man, we're vegan. I'm actually gluten-free too, quit smoking. Let's take a boat out of the tin, Adolf, no more pitching. Okay.
Starting point is 01:09:15 But Hans and Adolf now once again have hope of being found. Because someone threw beef at him? Well, but they saw the plane, they know they're still looking for him. I would be hopeless. So they kind of, they have hope again, they're not resigned to dying. They just figured they have to wait long enough for a rescue party. That sounds like you're resigned to dying in the roundabout way. No, no, now they legitimately think that they might be found.
Starting point is 01:09:42 The rescue party sets out from Forest River Mission. The Wyndham Meatworks, what the fuck is that? The Meatworks. The Wyndham Meatworks motor launch is... Wait, what? I think it's a crazy name for a boat. That's the name of the boat? Meatworks.
Starting point is 01:10:03 The Wyndham, what? You have a clock. Oh, it's a slaughterhouse? That's what I assumed it was. Is it a mobile slaughterhouse? Mobile slaughterhouse? Are we talking about a... Are we talking about like a host boat for killing cows?
Starting point is 01:10:21 Sort of... Like you pull up to... It's an ab boat, Tuar? Very good, very good. So you fucking roll up to like ranches and you're like, bring out your cows and you just park your boat. Your gun is turning. Sir, I'm gonna have to say it again.
Starting point is 01:10:44 Comedy, comedy stopped working for you a long time ago. Nah, keep going. Alright, so the Wyndham Meatworks motor launch is set to search. Yeah, the mobile slaughterhouse, yeah. So that's what's set to search for them is a slaughter boat. That the cows are driving. Mer! So they head to Crocodile Creek.
Starting point is 01:11:13 They're gonna love this abattoir. Those crocodiles are like, holy shit, we've been wasting our lives. A cow boat. Right, so that's where all this shit was that the Aboriginal people found. But now Hans and Adolf are 50 kilometers further west. Okay.
Starting point is 01:11:30 Local Bushmen do not believe they're still alive because they're in such an arid area where even local Aboriginal tribes find it difficult to survive. So Sergeant Flenders is the ultimate pessimist. To anyone who would listen, including reporters, he keeps saying, quote, they're dead, knocked on the head by some natives. So that's the guy who's in charge of trying to find him.
Starting point is 01:11:53 That really isn't amazing, but the cause of death is pretty amazing. That he's like, no, obviously they were conked on the head. They're on the middle of the desert. Why wouldn't they get hit on the head? They didn't die from flies in their sores. They smack their heads together like coconuts. It's the Three Stooges. We've seen the movies.
Starting point is 01:12:14 So Hans comes down with a fever and has a terrible toothache. Shocking to hear that he's just getting a fever. Yeah. It all forges for food and returns with six snails. Yes. They smash them open and gobble up the meat. They were poison.
Starting point is 01:12:33 Those aren't snails. Oh, no. Hans is overcome by fever and shivering uncontrollably. All they have is pliers. Oh, that'll be fine. Hans cannot take it. Oh, no. So Adolf takes the pliers.
Starting point is 01:12:49 No. Oh, my God. No, no, no, Adolf. And reaches in. No. And grabs the tooth. And he starts to pull. Wrong one.
Starting point is 01:12:58 And then snap. The tooth breaks off. That's Hans faints from the pain. Oh, God. So now that Hans is out, Adolf goes to work, breaking off more bits of the tooth. Dude. Until there's only a stump left
Starting point is 01:13:18 and he can't grab anything else. What's going on? The roots are still in his jaw. No. Leave it be, please. So he's done nothing. Yeah, he's made it 10 times worse this way. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:13:30 He hasn't done nothing. He's made it worse. That's his whole life. He should get a shirt saying, I make it worse. Oh, are you? Don't let me help, but I have an idea. Hey, why were they going to... Why did they do this?
Starting point is 01:13:47 Why were they flying? Why did they fly to the... Oh, they were trying to show off the plane. Show a good... And in a way they really did. It's also a boat. And a water filtration system. And a dentist's office.
Starting point is 01:14:02 Oh, my God. The boat saved you from flights. We ate the boat. It was a plane. Yeah. So Hans still has the affection in his jaw. He's got like raw nerve endings instead of like a tooth protector. Well, now it's a big pussy.
Starting point is 01:14:33 So Adolf gets a... Pussy. What was that? Pussy? He's got a pussy cut. He's got a pussy sore. So Adolf gets a dull safety pin. No, stop. This guy's really living up to the name Adolf suddenly.
Starting point is 01:14:50 A dull safety pin? That's not a safety pin. It's a paperclip. Let's stop the story now. Maybe we can just say something funny that happened to us today. I didn't think we'd get into orthodontics. So he's going to lance it. But he doesn't have the strength. So he puts the safety pin against the fucking boilie pus
Starting point is 01:15:17 and he hits it with the pliers. What is he... Where's his degree? What's he doing? And then Hans pulls it out and they repeat this several times until all the pus is drained. And then Hans waits nervously for possible blood poisoning to take him. You mean praise. The search continues by sea air and now land.
Starting point is 01:15:46 On day five a boat sails right past them but can't see them because it's drizzling. Sounds like it's a little more party than search. What are you even doing then? It's drizzling. If you can't see anything, why are you going up and down the coast? What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What are you going up and down the coast? I didn't see anything because of the rain.
Starting point is 01:16:11 So there's nothing. Hans and Adolf smoke their last pipe. Hans should not be smoking with that jaw. It's fine. He likes tobacco. So it's now that's... It feels better. Nothing calls me like a sweet smoke.
Starting point is 01:16:31 I should quit but it just looks so cool. Imagine me not doing this. I'm like the Marlboro man. It's day 35. They've been missing for 35 days. It's been raining for two days so they have water but still no food. The next day the temperature drops. They pack up a little possessions they have and crawl along the rocky coast looking for shelter and they find a cave. They lit a fire in the cave and dried out their clothes.
Starting point is 01:17:01 Hans makes final notes in his diary and says goodbye to his mother. Quote, yes I know that I can no longer struggle against it. This knowledge that the end is near gives me the peace to welcome it. I have no more inner resistance only readiness. They both fall asleep. Hans wakes the next morning and looks toward the sun. A person is standing in the sunlight. It's a silhouette.
Starting point is 01:17:27 Hans thinks he's going insane. Yeah, but then the silhouette moves jumping from rock to rock looking for something. And Hans tries to yell but he has absolutely no strength. Meh. Meh. He knows the man can't see them in the back of the cave. And then Adolf sits up and lets out a blood curdling scream. Fucking Adolf. Someone's back.
Starting point is 01:17:59 We're total opposites. We're like the old couple. He's Felix. So the man approaches is an aboriginal man. He is holding a fish which he hands to them. And they gulp it down raw in a few bites like seals. That's the noise they make. Hans tries to stand and go to the cave entrance but he passes out.
Starting point is 01:18:29 The aboriginal man then goes outside and lights a bush fire. Three other aboriginal men come out of the bush and one of them hands Hans a letter. It is from the fathers of Drysdale River Mission Station. Quote, dear friends, when this letter reaches you and you are still alive, then a miracle has occurred for which we should thank our god, our father, out of profound respect. All the stuff in between the 35 days. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 01:19:01 Do we thank Him for that? What do we do? He was testing you. The pliers knocked off. It was a biblical test. I was naked for days. Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, gentlemen. I think sometimes, you know, you don't know what He's trying to tell you. Think of Jesus. He died on a cross for your sins.
Starting point is 01:19:20 And you have a blood curdling scream based on tooth pain from dehydration and a poison diet. The Lord giveth and He poisoned it away. The letter goes on. We have been searching for you for weeks. We have divided the blacks into groups. Each one carries a copy of this letter, a couple of pounds of flour, tinned meat. If this letter reaches you, immediately send two aborigines with the good news to us informing us of the exact position where you've been found.
Starting point is 01:19:57 Be patient for a couple of days. Oh, yeah. Can you guys be patient now? We will bring you back to the mission station. Don't be afraid of the aborigines. They're your friends and will care for you. So they give in four tins of meat and several kilos of flour. Within minutes, they are eating Aussie bush bread,
Starting point is 01:20:15 Hans and Adolph wolf it down. Hans writes a note for the missionaries and two of the aboriginal men take off without... Send teeth! So two of the aborigines take off without even eating. Another goes and catches fish for Hans and Adolph to eat. They can't stop eating, even though chewing is difficult. Is this the story of sushi? But chewing is difficult because all their teeth are loose
Starting point is 01:20:55 and their jaws ache. We've all been there. Have you eaten for 30 days? I should get back on the boat. And then they've eaten so fast that they throw up most of what they've been eating. Ah, cool! Awesome! The next day, Hans and Adolph venture outside the cave. They see several more smoke signals further inland.
Starting point is 01:21:19 More aboriginal people come. Three more men and nine women. They're from the local... I'm not going to say these names. Let's just have respect. This isn't a cockburn situation. The men give them a fish, a huge leg of kangaroo meat, and a pot of honey. Hans tries to bite off...
Starting point is 01:21:41 Sounds like an episode of Top Chef. This is your Quick Fire Challenge. Hans tries to bite off a piece of kangaroo, but his teeth are too loose. Oh my God! One of the aboriginal men named Hunter puts some meat on the ground and beats it with a stone and then cuts it up. But it is still too tough. So Hunter, choose the meat!
Starting point is 01:22:06 He baby-burns it, he does? Man, that's a dream. I want to do that someday. He chews the meat and offers it to Hans and Adolph and they take it. No, thank you! No! Pretty soon five aboriginals are sitting around chewing meat for the Germans. Hey, give it up. That's fucking awesome. Woo! That's awesome.
Starting point is 01:22:38 That is pretty awesome. It's awesome. The feasting goes on like this for a couple of days. It's got to be really fun to chew and spit in someone's mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if they need it and you're a hero, it'll be like... Take that, Whitey. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:23:01 So Hans and Adolph sleep alone in the cave at night, the rescuers sleep outside. And then in the middle of the night, Adolph calls over to Hans and tells him they're in danger. Quote, these people are devils. They're going to wait a while before they kill us. No. Hans is losing his mind. On day 45, Constable Marshall and Henry Smith arrive.
Starting point is 01:23:29 They have come to take Hans and Adolph back to civilization. Constable Marshall, quote, they called hello hello and very weak voices. They were bent over, totally filthy, and in shocking condition. They completely lost control themselves, shouting, Do you have bread? Bread? Bread? Stop saying bread. Do you understand me? Don't say bread again. We're going to save you.
Starting point is 01:23:55 Stop saying bread. Bread? Bread? You say bread one more time, it's over. Bread. Stop saying bread. Bread. Stop it. I get it.
Starting point is 01:24:05 You can stay out, you are like, you are like, you are not a fan of. Can you chew bread and put it in my mouth? Okay, this man, no. Both of them clung to Smith and myself and refused to let go until they saw a package of dried bread. Bread, bread, you give us bread, you give us bread, you give us bread. Love bread. Love my dad, give us bread dad. Marshall gave them more food, got them washed.
Starting point is 01:24:32 No, no, no, you got to chew it and spit it into us. Like our aboriginal dads. You're all our dads now. We drank bad water. Oh, I made a boom, boom. Oh, no. Eat off my boom, boom. I need a clean up.
Starting point is 01:24:49 Daddy, clean me up. Clean up him and spit in my mouth some more. My shoes hurt. This is actually the, this is actually the birth of diaper parties. What are, I don't even want, what are diaper parties where someone could grown ass man wears a diaper? Yeah, for. Well, I don't think it's time for us to leave earth. So he gets them washed, he puts them in clothes.
Starting point is 01:25:16 And then he looked at him, he's like, there's no way these guys can walk back. They're probably like toddlers doing like. Pick up. Hey man. At 6am the next day, Marshall send off runners to sprint back to Forest River. They were to hand a letter to Sergeant Flinders, you know, the guy who's like, yeah, they're fucking dead. Yeah. Requesting they send the launch from the window meatworks as soon as possible.
Starting point is 01:25:44 The launch? Like what's the thing with the book? Right. The meat portable. Not like a launch for the meatworks, like come down to the launch. I thought you were mispronouncing lunch. Free cutlets. No, launch.
Starting point is 01:25:56 It's like buckets of corona. How do you guys like it? Yeah, everybody happy? I'm doing smaller portions like tapas, huh? The hashtag is meatworks. Couldn't think of one quick enough though. Sometimes that happens in comedy. You don't think of it quick enough.
Starting point is 01:26:13 Okay. No? All right. Okey dokey. That night, Adolf attacked Hans. Wow. What? They had to pin him down.
Starting point is 01:26:24 Adolf now thought everyone was a devil. Hans told the others Adolf had gone mad. They bound Adolf's arms and legs. All night he drifted between a state of delirium and mad fits of raving. He would try to strike out at anyone who went near him and he kept ramming his head on rocks and tried to stab his face with a blunt safety pin. Did he have a toothache? How's he doing?
Starting point is 01:26:51 I think he's haunted. By who? Dude, you got one way out of this shit. Join me on the other side, brother. Smash your head into rocks, dude. Bludgeon yourself, dude. Come meet me, dude. It's sick over here.
Starting point is 01:27:09 Come on. The next day. Dude, quit ignoring me. I'm talking to you, dude. Someone said, one of the Aboriginal dudes said jet ski three times, dude. I don't think that's true. I think he came. Well, the point is, maybe that was lore.
Starting point is 01:27:24 But here we are, dude. Come on, man. Take my hand. No. Take on me. Take on me. Take me. Take on me.
Starting point is 01:27:43 Picture is animated. Like, shoddily animated. No. Come on, dude. No. Whatever. No. Whatever.
Starting point is 01:27:54 So the next day, Marshall wrote an even more urgent letter to Sergeant Flinders, explaining Adolf's critical condition and the need of a straight jacket. Which they kind of already put him in. You don't hear about straight jackets anymore. You really don't. You really don't. You should. You should be back.
Starting point is 01:28:15 Are they still around? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. They got to be around. We're not. If you were in America, we got all that shit still going on. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:28:24 Anyway. He sent the two best Aboriginal runners he had. Janka and Andrew Mary. They said they could make it from Cape Bernier to Forest River in two days and on to Wyndham in another two days. They've taken the rescue team two weeks to make that trip. Sure. Marshall promised them a new shirt and a pair of trousers if they...
Starting point is 01:28:49 What a placater, honestly. It's just the fucking worst. Hey, you want pants? How would you boys like a shiny new three piece, huh? If they could overtake the previous runners who started a day earlier. Janka chuckled and said, let me catch them all right. They took no food, no water, no blanket, just the message and some tobacco and started running. Boy, tobacco was God.
Starting point is 01:29:14 Jesus, what's with the fucking tobacco? Hey. Tile amazing. Two days later, Adolf was still screaming. The screams were starting to drive Hans mad, so they had the two men separated. Yeah, for sure. Hans is like, he's really wearing on me. That's like off to everyone after you go on holidays with them for a month.
Starting point is 01:29:36 So the two Aboriginal runners ran nonstop day and night and arrived at Forest River at the same time as the runners who had left a day earlier. And on 3 a.m. on the 4th of July, Andy Mary raced through the streets of Wyndham. He had run 250 kilometers in 55 hours. Jesus Christ. Fucking. Yes. Insane.
Starting point is 01:30:05 The news they're alive immediately spread around the world. The boat arrived on July 5th and Hans and Adolf were headed to Wyndham. 52 days after getting lost in the outback. Oh my God. A crowd of 2,000 greeted them. They're both admitted to the hospital for a haircut, shave, bath. Wait, wait. That's the order?
Starting point is 01:30:24 And a health check. Yeah, okay. Well, what we're going to do is first give you boys a makeover. Then we'll take a look at those nasty scabies. You got bugs living in, huh? Also, that tooth looks a bit of a problem. But what we'll do first is get you a nice haircut. Gammy up real good.
Starting point is 01:30:40 Then we'll see what's up, huh? He's dead? Well, he looks good dead. What we're going to do is dial you up for the coffin, okay? Doctor? What gave you that impression? Take your tits out. Come on.
Starting point is 01:30:58 Telegrams came from all over the world to Hans Hotel. Congratulations, boys. You proved something. We're just not sure what it was. Reporters jostled for an interview. Hans wanted one thing known. Quote, we were found by natives of Australia, naked black men. Those Samaritans of the wild tended and cared for us.
Starting point is 01:31:22 Their treatment of us showed a generosity that I've rarely met with any people in the world. I have been here, there, everywhere, to many countries and see many people, but for loyalty, faithfulness, devotion, there is no one on this earth to touch the Australian aboriginal of the Northwest. The Northwest, the Southwest. What?
Starting point is 01:31:53 Next, Hans went to Perth and received a hero's welcome. Thousands came out. The Australian Broadcasting Commission had recently been formed and they installed a brand new east-west carrier wave telephone. It had never been tested, and at 5.30 per time, after the evening news, Hans Bertrams was the first live broadcast report. Two months later, Hans sailed up the western Australia. That's it. He's back.
Starting point is 01:32:23 I think navigation's off the table at this point for any of these gentlemen. I don't like that he's sailing. I don't like that he's doing anything besides getting a haircut at the doctor. Well, he's sailing back up the western Australia coast. He's going to be turning this boat into a plane. Well, he's on a boat. Do you know what boat he's on? The Coolinda. Oh, no.
Starting point is 01:32:44 The same boat that fucking passed him by. The captain had a hilarious story about how no one was on the deck. Oh, you're going to love this. You're going to love this. Because it was like day 28 for you, which is crazy, because you doubled that. It was 18. It was 18. Whatever. The point is, we were having a party down below deck. You've got to see what we do down there. Oh, I'm assuming you're not laughing because of your tooth pain.
Starting point is 01:33:09 Man, am I the only one with chocolate? It feels like the story's bombin'. All right. I'll just get up there. I just wanted to catch up, but Jesus Christ. You lost your sense of humor on this trip, huh? All right. You know, there's a ghost on this boat. So Hans was going back to get the Atlantis.
Starting point is 01:33:46 The plan was to fix up the plane. And do a thank you tour around Australia. To raise funds for Aboriginal people and people from the missions. Which is good. That's good, but still dangerous. They've been through enough. Like, don't do that. Like, don't. Yeah, enough.
Starting point is 01:34:08 They don't want to hear this story about you fucking up again. They don't want to save you again either. No, they're like, no, don't. No. Don't worry. This time will be different. We're going to fly the boat around the island three times. Show it off. You heard how much I ran, right? It's a junker. We'll be fine.
Starting point is 01:34:25 So what, did he live in Australia? Like, he moved? No. So, he just went around and did like a fundraising tour. He would fly and stop and fly and stop in a town. He only crashed once in... Sorry. I think that we've lowered the bar pretty far for this man. You know, they crash once in Adelaide, and then they fix it back up again. Oh, well.
Starting point is 01:34:47 Celebrate. The float boat... So then he went back to Germany. That was the... It's the last of Hans, but that was Hans... I don't know. I didn't see what happened to Adolf. I like the picture still bound and screaming. The float boat was recovered in 1979.
Starting point is 01:35:09 And today sits on display. At the W.A. Maritime Museum. In Fremantle. Did you guys not know that? Nope. They did not. We going tomorrow or what? What's the deal? We doing this? Hey, guys, guess what? I got a sick idea.
Starting point is 01:35:32 Did. Maritime party time. Come on. I scored a kegger for it, too. So, yeah, there you go. That's the story of Hans Bertram. Holy shit. I feel like I just did that journey. I should say this. He went back to...
Starting point is 01:35:51 He went back to Germany. Then he... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 01:36:07 I don't know. I don't know. He really didn't believe there was nuclear. It was in Germany, then he was fighting in World War II. And there was a rumor that... This is all for Hans. This is Hans. I was gonna say.
Starting point is 01:36:27 In Australia, he had been caught as a war prisoner and was serving in Australia. But that, I turned not to be true. stuff like his parents divorced like why was he what was the what hole was he trying to fill yeah what what was keeping him going forward like you'd like to fly man he's a fly boy and you can't take that you can't take that plane out of a fly boy you know what I mean they can't take the flies out of the fly boy you can't take the mazies out of a fly boy you can give him a haircut though
Starting point is 01:37:00 and be like hey go on tour I just think it would have been a better story if at the very end it off went crazy and haunts killed him with a rock in the cave you just think that would have been a more fitting ending and then right as he smashed in the head dude walks over the fish and he's like oh right after wait why didn't you yell say I'm coming something the dude with the fish is like I was I was down at the beach I brought you like eight fish well say something I just killed my only friend I was chewing food for you guys for like days I don't remember I'm insane Christ anyway it's legal to kill all eight
Starting point is 01:37:48 off so there's nothing we can do should be a law well many that was I feel like a cigarette I was something I feel tired yeah about just listening to that my teeth are rumbling anyway that's your those are your people I should I now you can you want to stay here that's you yeah stay here all right some sort of jet lag so I didn't have a lot of time to collect my thoughts but I'm sorry if nobody empathizes with your plight at this point but we just went through the rhyme of the ancient Mariner boat so I
Starting point is 01:38:47 had a hard time yeah but a guy okay no it my work my shit is much harder than Hans I flew on a plane the whole way so you lose but 24 hours yeah yeah but still you got to do the play in the whole you just know what economy premier classes it's not it's not first class so that's the kind of shit that I have to deal with oh wait who's the Hans and who's the Adolf out of you guys I'm absolutely in I'm made off yeah yeah I made a hundred percent Dave baby birds is my lunch to me is it vegan yeah all right so and you can chime in on this if you want so here here's what I'm gonna say about what's going on did you guys read
Starting point is 01:40:00 the IPCC report about climate change it came out a lot of people didn't super cool basically we had ten years or all gonna fucking die literally all the science right things that's what the scientists of the world usually scientists in the world are very conservative and they say hey we need to do this this time they literally came out and said we're all gonna fucking die you have ten years and a lot of people didn't hear that in the news a lot of people didn't hear that in the news and that's fucking bat shit crazy but that's what the leading scientists in the world 150 of them said so this is what I have
Starting point is 01:40:34 to say obviously it's real if you don't think climate change is real fuck off fighting fighting over whether it's real is pointless it has become pointless that's a battle we should not that is their battle those are that is their line to choose we will act like it is a real thing and move on from there so my my idea is there's a lot of I know a lot of kids that are going to bed crying I know kids that come home and start crying in front of their parents because they don't think that there's gonna be a world for them and I know a lot of parents that are almost paralyzed from the fear of what's happening and people
Starting point is 01:41:13 are being paralyzed they're not doing anything because they don't know what to do because if you talk to your politicians it doesn't fucking matter they don't give a shit they're holding coal and going this is good they're fucking insane in our last presidential debate not one question we have not we have not had a presidential debate question about climate change since 2008 good hold on sir so I started noticing a long time ago hearing scientists talk about how depressed they were and like one scientist talked about how she worked on coral reefs and she went there and they're all bleached and she sat there
Starting point is 01:41:52 and cried for eight hours so those to me are the stories that move people and move things so I want to put together a group where all these people feel paralyzed can get together and talk and it would be online but you could also do it in cities I mean it's a fucking crazy thing to think of but it's like I don't know what else to do we're literally just sitting here going oh it's the song everyone's gonna die but my kid says to me I want to play baseball I want to get older and I think that's probably not gonna happen that's a fucking terrible place to be so I don't want that so I don't know what else to do
Starting point is 01:42:25 and I know I sit here and I talk in front of people so I want to try and do something so the idea and it's a crazy idea but it's like get everyone together to talk about their pain and their fears and their anguish and have artists involved in this process and for artists to listen to what people are saying and then turn that into art videos TV fucking TV shows podcasts street art fucking anything but get that message out there the emotional acid the emotional message which is we are fucking terrified and you need to do something and I keep thinking of that moment I don't know if you guys saw but
Starting point is 01:43:02 we have a senator senator Jeff Flake who was supposed to be this fucking hero in the Kavanaugh election but a woman got him in an elevator and she's like I'm a sexual assault victim look me in the fucking eyes and tell me what you're doing look me in the eyes and that's what we need to do we need to have our kids that are scared confront these people with emotion we can't fight them on this so it's real science isn't real we have to get people together in a group and formulate a plan to put our emotions out there and say we're fucking scared because if you say I'm scared the guy can't get clearly changes it really
Starting point is 01:43:44 you fucking asshole then it gets weird you can't say that to kids so that's my idea is to start a group a Facebook group or something and then try to expand it out the truth is there's not any issue that anybody is passionate about is wiped off the table with the biggest issue that's going on right now which is the fact that there will be no issues to talk about if there's nobody alive to talk about issues and that's where we're at so we are at the point where like there's nothing you everything you care about matters but it matters less than the fact that the planet the planet's done and so you feel paralyzed when
Starting point is 01:44:18 people are like you know what are you gonna do because new phones come out new issues come out there's new movies to see there's new shit to download but at the end of the day it doesn't matter and so you can sit here and feel paralyzed but what I think your point is is that there needs to be action and action comes from emotion and the time to sit back and sort of be resigned to it is over and the time to talk about it and be pissed off is here and it really is going to take more push than you've ever felt for any fucking issue but it's not even for us it the idea that we're gonna destroy this fucking planet and there's
Starting point is 01:44:55 a lot of like feel-good stories that'll pop up you know some of the corals coming back well that's cuz like you had a mild summer this shit's not gonna last for ten more years it's fucking crazy so we're gonna do what we can to try to make a move and try to do something where at minimum we go down with a fight that's the plan so and if you're on social media just follow some of the shit we have the plan is if you're on social media I'll start a I'll start a Facebook group and then we can go for there but I've there's a lot of people that said they would help organize this because it's gonna be a thing to organize and
Starting point is 01:45:37 if everyone can get involved and it's literally also just like if you're scared to talk about it this will be a place to fucking talk like part of this comes from that the idea of AA which is people sitting in fucking meetings and talking about this shit and I think that's the kind of thing we need to do because literally scientists are doing that scientists are getting together and having group therapy sessions and again it like there is something about shouting into the void it doesn't mean tweet links it doesn't mean you know post about how pissed off you are about it no that that that really is something
Starting point is 01:46:08 that it feels like at least in our country and probably most countries that politicians have figured out that our attention spans are so short that in six days someone's gonna do something at the VMAs or in six days somebody's gonna do something else scandalous or Trump's gonna tweet something and that will take our eye off the prize there's literally one issue left to fight for everything else is meaningless if you don't make this fucking matter ten years ten years it's no fucking joke seventy percent was it seventy percent of insects in Germany yeah yeah the report yesterday yeah so we won't ram it on I mean I
Starting point is 01:46:45 know everybody came here have fun but I don't know what else to do this is this is I look at my kid and I'm like you're not gonna have a fucking world to live in so it's not good we can punch it up and make it funny in post but but start listening helping and we'll try to do whatever we can to give some sort of platform to it but today's point about senator Jeff Flake who ended up being a bitch right ended up being a guy who just was like I do care but they don't fucking care it's time to confront in ways that are not assault based but in ways that are a way that the arguing at someone online but showing your emotion
Starting point is 01:47:24 and saying this is fucked up and I'm scared so help talk about it keep talking about it keep pushing it and it's not just about things you do on your phone it's about things you do in the real world like chopping someone's head off that's right you can still say that we appreciate you guys for coming out truly yeah the front three rows please stick around you guys are VIPs the rest of you guys we fucking love you we appreciate the fuck out of you thank you so much give it up for our guest Becky Lucas thanks for having me sir you get a beer come on take it you asshole who's not on the wagon you take this shit
Starting point is 01:48:08 all right thank you guys we appreciate it

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