The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 367 - Alice Roosevelt

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Teddy. SOURCESTOUR DATES OFFICIAL MERCH

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. Now this is a

buy American History podcast each week. Solid omission. Aye. Cranky anchor. Nope. More of lawns. Hairy face. Guy Dave Anthony reads a story from American history to his friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Say something funny you know do something interesting right now. This is the intro do something fun. Re-calibrating from cranky-anking. You're awful at this. And called it quote his jam-packed. Jam-packed. I'm the fucking hippo guy. Steve okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become a tickly podcast. Okay. This is like an up-five-part coefficient.

Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. Actually we should point out that we are recording this at the All Things Comedy studio and they have an All Things Comedy YouTube page where you can watch any of the video uploads of this and you can also check out the work of an All Things Comedy brother who we lost recently named Stephen Brodie Stevens who is someone if you are not familiar with is worth checking out his stand-up and his show that was on All Things Comedy or his other show I think it was Enjoy It. He was a very unique comedian. Yeah. So someone who everybody in the comedy world

was he was beloved by everybody. I think if he could see the outpouring of affection that he has caused he would probably be surprised on like all of us. Yeah. Okay. Well that's a downer. Yeah. Well that is a downer. It's tough man. That was a tough one. Yeah it was. It's been a tough year. Yeah. Agreed. February 12th 1884. Come on you can still shout it bro. I feel it. Come on go. Come on. February 12th 1884. Right. We're back. Not really. 1884. 1884. Okay. You're our lord. Yeah. The 80s. Back then they even said it like that. Like hey man it's the 80s. Look rip your teeth out. It's the 80s. That's not no one rip their teeth out. Oh. You start the story. Alice Lee Roosevelt was born.

Her father was Theodore Roosevelt Jr. known as Teddy. Okay. Teddy went to Harvard where he met Alice Hathaway Lee in 1878. She was a Boston banking Harris. Harris. They were introduced by a classmate of her cousin Richard Middlecock Dick Salt still. Okay. Dave. I just threw that in. That is the best one ever. That's the best one ever. I wasn't good. What is it? He has nothing to do with the story. But the name is everything to do with the story. He's the main character of the story. Richard Middlecock. So first of all Richard is Dick. So Dick Middlecock. Well they call him Dick. So Richard Middlecock Dick Salt Stahl. Salt Stahl. So he's that sounds like what happens to your penis in a deprivation tank. I just put his name in there because this is how

rich people name their kids. It's a good system. It's not a good system. It's a great system. It's a bad system. Yeah. So Teddy and Alice married two years later. Teddy went to Columbia Law School. They're all up in the New York society world. Teddy ran because obviously Teddy's a Roosevelt. So yeah. Teddy ran for New York State Assembly and he won. He's big on taking down corruption. That's his jam. Alice and Teddy bought a large home and plan to have a large family. Okay. It's all. It's all great. Yeah. For sure. It's all great. Yeah. No. So Alice Lee Roosevelt Longworth was born at home on West 57th Street. Okay. Just a regular apartment birth. Yeah. It's just what you did back then. Yeah. Water birth. Two days later Teddy was in Albany when he received a

telegram. His mother's health was fading. Okay. She was in the house. The baby's born. I don't know if she lived there or she was just staying there but she was there in the house. Okay. Wait. So he receives a message that his mother who's in the house. Yeah. The baby and his new mom. Right. So Teddy rushes home. He doesn't rush home for the baby. I'm not sure if he. His baby's being born but he's like I let that happen. And then like your mom's sick. He's like I got to go. I got to go. I mean who knows back then what it was like but I would imagine that he was there for the birth and then he went back to Albany and then he got this call. Yeah. Well you have a 430. You got to hit it. Yeah. You got to hit it 430. Yeah. So he rushes home and his brother Elliot opens up

the door when he gets there and Elliot said quote there is a curse on this house. Okay. So Elliot that's bad. That's a bad if anybody a dark opener if you if yeah that's the first thing someone says to you then you how about a hello. Yeah. There's a curse upon this house. Oh dude. You know there's a curse on this house. Okay. You're a fucking curse on this house. You're a bummer. We have ghosts. Say hello. Hello. We're dying in here now because there's a curse. You're not dying. You're just saying shit. Come on in. Hi. Take off your shoes please. Okay. My shoes are off. There's a curse upon your foot. I'm a devil. Turns out Teddy's mother she's burning up with a fever. She has typhoid. Okay. Not good. That's not good. Not good. Meanwhile upstairs Alice he goes up to see

her. She barely recognizes Teddy because she had an undiagnosed case of Breitz disease which is kidney a kidney disease. Okay. So she had been living with it for a while but the pregnancy made it worse so it like kicked in and it's acute now. Teddy's mother died at 3 a.m. and Alice died 11 hours later. Oh my god. Bam bam. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So I think I'm starting to see Elliott's side of this a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. That is kind of a curse point. Kind of a curse time. Now you're like Elliott how did you know. And then you're walking around and you're like shut that baby up. Yeah. Well. Teddy was just 25 years old. Oh wow. And he lost his mom and wife on the same day. So he was insanely in love with his wife. He had filled pages of his diary about

how much he adored her. Which I don't. A little much. Yeah. Take it easy. No settle down. We get it. You think someone's going to read it because that's the thing in five years. She's going to be like you know you saw he's writing your diary about me. I still love you. I write all the time. You know the house was cursed. Yeah. One reason I know this is you're dead. So on this day he just wrote a large black X in the diary. So if you're seeing that you're sort of like let's say he's not doing great. And the only thing he wrote was the light has gone out of my life. Okay. Sure. And then I assume he drew like a little light bulb and then a slash through it. Yeah. And then and then he went. Teddy. You okay in there bud? Teddy

would never speak his wife's name again. So he was he didn't need therapy. I don't know anything. He was fine. No he didn't need therapy at all. Yeah. Now this is also weird that he didn't speak his wife's name again because they named their daughter Alice. Now is there now what is that hard to make. Is it time for a name change rather than just no mission of a name. That was an idea you had. Yeah. Change the name. Yeah. They didn't do that. No. So they just like you. Well we're locked in. You. You. You. Baby. Baby. Lady baby. Lady baby. Little baby lady. So obviously that's weird. Yeah. Not only did he not speak her name again but he would not allow anyone else in his presence to speak his wife's name

again. He's taking on a real sort of Scientology vibe now where it's not great. No. Teddy told a friend the way to survive was to keep the pain buried as deep inside as he literally is saying what now we use as like the stereotype for things you are not supposed to do. Yeah. You know the key is to bury it deep inside yourself and wait for an occasion when you could explode. And then go to Africa and kill animals. Take it out on tigers. Right. So keep the pain buried as deep inside as possible or it will destroy you. That is actually that's right. That's the way to grieve. Obviously this is not a widely held psychological belief today. Anyway, that's how a little Alice Lee came into the world. She would be called

baby Lee. Cool. Double funeral was held and Alice Lee was christened the day after. Oh Jesus. So they didn't they could have switched the fucking name up. Yeah. Absolutely. She hasn't been. Yes. Baby Lee. It's like baby driver. Which was good. Baby driver. Yeah. At the end of 1884, Teddy decided to get out of politics. Obviously he's got a ref. What's going on? So he bails. He had bought two ranches in North Dakota after he'd gone there previously to hunt buffalo. So in his grief, he made for the ranches which are in the isolated badlands of North Dakota. He leaves baby Lee behind. Also known as Alice. So what's the plan? Well, he has a sister. Sure. That is taking care of her. Okay. So he's just living

in North. This is North Dakota. North Dakota Teddy is a badass. Okay. He is he's out there hunting buffaloes. Okay. And other animals. There is. Well, yeah, that looks like a man has dealt with his inside demons. He gets a job as a sheriff. Okay. He's always arresting thieves. He's going on month long roundups. Like he's just a totally different keeping his mind on anything but the death of his wife and mother. Basically he beat up a gunfighter in a saloon. How dare you. He's just take that Alice and that Alice. You left me Alice. My name's Jeff. Shut up Alice. Why did you go away? Alice, I love you. Whoa, dude, bro, bro, bro. Hey, okay. Hey, my name's Jeff. Right now you're kissing me in a saloon. Alice,

we shouldn't. No, we're not going to. Okay. All right, just once. I missed you. Did you finish? You're inside me. We're in a saloon. I am. Oh, good to see you, babe. I great president. Thank you. Well, if I ever get over this, we're going to live so happy together here, Alice. My name's Jeff. Alice and us. Alice, my wife's alive again and I'm inside of her again and we're together and you are for sure Alice. I'm Jeff. So Teddy's becoming the bad ass that everyone knows today. This is the origin story. Yeah, basically. He's still a cat for Alice in one 1884 letter. He wrote, quote, I hope mousy kins will be very cunning. I shall dearly love her. Well, dude, honestly, I mean, baby Lee was tough. Change the name.

Change the name. Mousy kins? Yeah. That's weird. It's fucked. I would, you would never expect that to come out of Teddy Roosevelt. Where's mousy kins? Where is my one to shoot mousy kins? Is this the man who kills animals religiously? Yeah. Mousy kins. So Alice is being raised by Teddy's sister, Anna in New York. Anna was also known as by, which is a nickname she got because she was always on the move. It was short for hi, Anna by Anna. Nickname's really good. Yeah, not family. They're good. Not good. So Alice called her anti by. Okay, anti by. She's a very strong, intelligent, independent woman with a huge influence on Alice. And she also had a hump. She had a hump. Like the one on the back,

like the quasi motor. Okay, so she has a hump. Sure. She's your classic humped Roosevelt. Sure. She's just got a hump and her name's by. So continue Dave, ready to this tail. She's in her late twenties and not married, which could have something to do with the hump. Oh, come on. You got to get on hump meat. She took very. Are you missing other people with humps in your area? It's like farmers meat and farmers only.com. Hump meat. It was great. Me, your fellow Humber. Yeah. So but she took very good care of Alice. Sure. Teddy would sometimes make brief visits when he came back for work. When he did, he would spend time with baby Lee. You mean mousy kins or Alice, whatever her name. Mousy

kins. Yes. Mousy kins. Thank you. In June, 1886, Teddy returned. So I guess he's over his grief now, comes back to New York. I think he's not, it's not that he's over it. He's just buried it. He's buried it so deep. Yeah, that now I can never get out. Yeah, you need a treasure map to get to the demons. So he finishes building a house he'd started before his wife died, becomes Alice's full time dad again. Okay. So Teddy has previously had a relationship with a woman named, so that's our little girl. Oh, that's mousy kins. That's mousy kins. I love it. He's, so he previously had a relationship with a woman named Edith Carroll. They grew up next door to each other. Everyone thought they were going to get married.

He did ask her to marry him twice, but Teddy's father and Edie's grandfather were against the marriage because of potential physical disabilities they both thought the other family had. I think that has something to do with the hump. Oh, right. So the grandpa was like, we ain't having hump kids. That's right. I think that's exactly. Not having hump chin. And who knows what was happening on either side of the family, but yeah, clearly or something. So Teddy, you've got the hump gene, skips a generation like baldness. Oh my God. If your grandpa had a hump, then you won't have one. No, then you have a hump, but your dad won't have a hump. Right. I like, I like talking to people that are not you. Well, I've got

a lot of hump chewing. Anyway, Teddy come back soon. Teddy went on to marry Alice and then obviously that didn't work out. So now he rekindles his relationship with Edith. Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. So Edith's back in the picture. Okay. She is a hot mama. All right. Good. It starts, you know, it just looks like a nightmare to be. I mean, to dress like a woman back then is a nightmare. Oh yeah. It goes on like she's got a collar on. Yeah, it goes all the way up to the top. It's like her head is on a pedestal. Oh God. It just looks thick. All right. Well, let me put on my sleeping bag dress and go out for the day. It's just like you were forced to wear a snuggie all the time. So anyway, they're hot. They

get hot and heavy quick. He proposes, she says yes. Where's grandpa? He's passed on. I guess. Yeah. I guess that's all over now. So they get married at the end of 1886. So Alice's life is obviously about to change again. Massikins. Massikins. So Edith and Teddy moved to Oyster Bay, Long Island. Alice or baby Lee moved in with them. Okay. Edith apparently had a problem with the fact that Teddy had a child with someone else and now the kid was living with them. Is this not the sort of stuff that you maybe talk about in the courting process? Well, no, I don't. I think that he... Or is it just like you have an unveiling where you're like, I have a daughter. I think he doesn't care. He doesn't

care what? I think he doesn't care that she's upset about Alice. Okay. And also the first Alice, his wife was super hot. Okay. And I think that's also... So what? She feels like she's in the shadow. There's a little bit of jealousy going on. Sure. Okay. So... Well, I mean, and Teddy's just like, well, if you feel bad, just bury your feelings deep down in your organ. Deep. Deep. So they start cranking out babies, Teddy and Edith. They would end up having five kids. Okay. They're really a lot of fucking... Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Stop. Now. So what do they call Alice? Because she's no longer a baby, right? And there's five other kids there. Kiddily. So they picked a great name to call her. Sister. Okay. Sister.

Sure. Sure. So right now she's just an extra in her own life. Remarkably generic. Yeah. How'd they come up with that? Is that a family name? By the way, that's... Sister? That's the first mom. Oh, that's... OG Alice. Yeah, OG. So, yes, they call her Sister, which is... I can't think of... Like, how about a fucking nickname of some kind? Yeah, how about a name? What about Lee? Like, that's her middle name or whatever. Lee, yeah. Sister is the most generic, horrible, you're not here. Well, you would also... That's like something that you would like... You'd hear back then. People would be like, Sister. And she turned around like, yes, like, no, my actual

Sister. What's your name, Sister? Yes. So this created a feeling of shame that was related to her name and probably wasn't great for building self-esteem. Cool. Edith didn't hide her feelings about Alice's dead mother. Edith called Alice an insipid, childlike fool in front of her daughter. Cool. Once during a fight, Edith told Alice that if her mother had lived, she would have bored Teddy to death. Jesus Christ, Edith. Chill. Were chill pills invented yet? Edith's a fucking monster. Rude. Yeah, super, super rude. As Alice grew up, it became clear she was going to be very attractive like her mom. Okay. This probably didn't help the situation with Edith and the tension built between them. Is this the story of Cinderella? Yeah. Okay. Edith was a strict Episcopalian with a

quote, cold and detached insistence on standards of conduct. So she was Episcopalian. Right. She insisted Alice call her mother, but Alice would later write quote, she had almost a gift for making her own people uncomfortable. Alice had a gift for making Edith. No, Edith had a gift for making people uncomfortable, but she was forcing Alice to call her mother. Well, yeah, she's sister. How is that? I mean, it's like, wait, yeah, look, we're in a play where we haven't named the characters yet. Teddy was also pretty emotionally distant from Alice, possibly because her name was Alice. Sure. And he was usually absent and working on his political career. He would write letters to the kids and in them he discussed the other children,

like he'd write a letter to one kid and talk about all the other kids. But he'd never mention Alice, except when he wrote letters to Ted Jr. That was the only one he talked about Alice with. Okay. At one point, Alice and Teddy had a fight about never speaking her mother's name, which was obviously her name too. So she was, you know, aware of it. Yeah, she's like, this is weird. Yeah, this is fucked up. It's my name. You should talk about my mom. Yeah. And my name. Alice was also surprised to learn that Edith was quote, not Papa's sister. That Edith was not Papa's sister. Yeah. Wait, Alice was surprised to learn that Edith was not Papa's sister. She's pretty young at that point, I would assume. So, so she, when they

were married, she thought that Teddy and Edith were brother and sister and having five children. Yeah, maybe she didn't know how stuff worked. But again, also a lot of cousins married back then and just a simpler time, a simpler time when you could just go to a family luncheon and meet your soulmate, you know, no one was off limits, made it a lot easier when you grew up with your wife. That's right. Come on, let's get back to simpler times, man. Trumpet. Alice felt that Teddy saw her as a quote, guilty burden. Okay. What did that come from? Did she have senses? And this just reinforced the decision to never speak the name Alice even once. Teddy never realized this was creating resentment in Alice. Well, well, clearly he's very psychologically minded. Yes,

clearly he's a man who knows how to get into the emotions. That's right. So this mixture, orphan child who felt responsible for her mother's death, given the same name that was never spoken, angry about being left by a father, created a rebellious child. All right. You can imagine. Yeah. In her journal in 1903, she wrote quote, Father doesn't care for me. That is to say, one ate as much as he does for the other children. We are not in the least congenial. And if I don't care over much for him and don't take interest in the things he likes, why should he pay any attention to me or the things that I live for, except to look on them with disapproval? So things are good. Okay. How old is she there? She's, so she's born in 84. So 03. So she's, you know,

she's a teen. She's 19, right? Yeah. I might have jumped on that one then. So, so Alice had to learn about her mother from relatives. So because he never talked about it. She didn't exist. The only people, she would occasionally go visit her mom's parents and they would tell her, Oh, we love to talk about Alice. And we don't talk about her either. Julie granddaughter. And to top it off, Alice thought Teddy loved the four children he had with Edith Moore. Alice also wore braces as a child, which she called quote, a medieval instrument of torture. Well, I mean, they're just trying to, yeah, they're trying to help. Yeah.

I can't believe they had braces then. Not, not for the body. Yeah, it's like one of the, yeah. Well, like a back brace or some kind of brace like that. Yeah. Oh, she had hunch prevention. I get it. I get you. Hp. Yeah, I should be. Yeah, I should be. Because imagine braces then you'd be like. Alice would later describe herself during these years as quote, stodgy, too shy, rather chunky and not a little cowardly, a shy, uncomfortable child, not very bright and lethargic. Okay. She's describing herself like, okay. So she's sure. Self diagnosis. So she's a very unhappy child. And that meant she spent time fantasizing. Okay. Quote, I would spend hours of time pretending I was able to at will to turn into

something quite different, such as a princess with very long hair or an extremely martial prince. That's nice. Teddy joined up to fight in the war against Spain, which made him, that made him famous. Right. After he became governor of New York, Alice was now in her teens and had become very independent and outgoing. Okay. Edith couldn't handle her. So they decided to send her to a school for girls in New York City. Alice was not down. Quote, I had seen Miss Spencer scholars marching two by two in their daily walks and thought of becoming one that shriveled me. Fair. So that's, that's a good use of words. Number one. Yeah. And that's against it. Anti. She wrote Teddy, quote, if you send me, I will humiliate you.

I will do something that will shame you. I tell you, I will. That's ominous. You read that, you're like, uh. Fucked up letter from your daughter. Okay. I just said, how are things? Morning school. How are things if you do this? I will crush you, father. Excuse me. The hunter is the hunted. What? I'll have your head on my wall, daddy. So any boarding schools off at that point? Sure. Teddy was like, that's a good, I get your argument. Okay. No. Edith was not impressed with Alice writing a friend that she quote cares neither for athletics nor good works. Okay. And she had quote the habit of running the streets uncontrolled with every boy

in town. Okay. All right. Little wild child. That's right. She also said Alice did not do anything unless she was made to. So Alice was sent back to live with her aunt Anna or aunt by a right. And by, right. And by with the, um, by hump, hump, um, um, anti hump and a hump by and a hump by. Uh, so this time in America, a woman's goal was marriage. Sure. I mean, not, probably not women's goal, but the society's goal for the women. I would imagine not all women were like, my goal is to get married. No, they were like, my goal is to not be beaten. So I'll do what you people say. So for that to happen, her behavior needed to be beyond reproach. Right. To get, right. But because of the way Alice had been raised, Alice felt she can never trust a man to

love her. Oh, so she acted like a woman whose goal was not to get married. Okay. She was impetuous, stubborn and insensitive. This was very unique for a woman at the time. Imagine personality. Yeah, right. How dare she? How dare she be around. So especially in high society, this is rare. The gossip magazines began writing about Alice when she was 16. Okay. So she's like Paris Hilton. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. In 1899, the vice president died of a heart attack and Teddy became vice president. Okay. Alice moved to Washington, which greatly increased her profile. Sure. But her behavior at the inauguration in 1901 did not impress Teddy. Alice thought the Roosevelt's were superior to the McKinley's. Okay. And she thought

being a VP was, quote, second place. Interesting. She referred to President McKinley as, quote, a usurping cuckoo. Wow. Okay. So Teddy didn't like that. Right. He admonished her a bit. On September 6th, 1901, President McKinley was shot by an anarchist. Bastards. No, this is okay. Oh, sorry. We're four. I think we're pro. Pro? I don't know. I don't know what we are anymore. He died eight days later. Okay. So sweet eight days of suffering. Sure. Sure. Teddy became president. Alice rejoiced that her father was finally taking his rightful place as president. She described it as, quote, sheer rapture. So she's not as upset about the shooting as you would think. No. She's excited to get in the top spot. Yeah. She's in the fucking. So now she's like, likes the fact that

now she kind of likes her dad a little bit. A little bit. She likes that he's the president. She's much more into her pops. Right. But I mean, if your dad becomes the president, then you automate, you like, but like if your dad became president, you'd mend fences. Yeah. Yeah. For sure you would. You want to go to the White House? That's right. You want to try that meatloaf? Oh, yeah. See what's going on there? Pick up the red phone. You know what I mean? Batman, get me him. There's no phones. There's no phones. There's no phones. There's no phones. Well, there's a thing. There's like, you know, the Morse, pick up the red Morse system and just type, you know, B-A-T. Red Morse system. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever they had, like the emergency

Morse, you know, we fucking hit your like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. They had the bird. Do you see the Flintstones? Mm-hmm. That's what they had. Oh, okay. I thought so. So she moves into the White House at 17 years old. That's just great. This is great. It's a movie plot. What? She immediately became a celebrity. She may have been the 1900s first global celebrity. Okay. On January 4th, 1902, Alice made her debut to the world. So it's her debutante ball. Sure. She was labeled the White House debutante. Okay. Teddy kept out of the limelight that evening. Edith handled the receiving line and presented Alice to society. Here is this embarrassing little fucking shit. Little asshole whose name we won't say. I don't want to work or do anything.

I'm a little fucking. Fifth best out of five. Her name is Thing. Thing one. Everyone give it up for me. My mom died. There she is. Newspapers covered it. They talked about her dress. The music, you know, the whole thing was all described. Yeah, of course. So the media always focused on the right things? Always. A month later, her frame went international when she christened a yacht that belonged to Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany. The yacht was christened the meteor. It would be an honor if you would come down and be the one to break the champagne upon the meteor. Okay. You are the new it girl. Do you know that, Alice? Yes, I just don't. What's this, Anna? Don't. You're something special. You're different. The Kaiser sent his cousin.

Okay. Prince Henry of Prussia to accompany Alice and show up relations between America and Germany. This is sounding very similar to our situation now. What did you know about Kaiser? Kaiser Wilhelm is probably the closest thing that has ever been to Trump. Oh, I didn't put the picture in here of them. Is that the right one? What? That's a different one than you were on before. Yeah, I have two. But I had a picture of a... Kaiser? Yeah, that's a bummer. All right. You can look him up. Yeah, I know. It's a good photo, though. They look ridiculous. Okay. So anyway, sorry, Prince Henry. So he accompanies Alice, show up relations between America and Germany. Alice broke a bottle of champagne over the bow. Newspapers recorded all, including how many times the prince touched

Alice's arm. Oh, sure. Right. Keep the arm count. Yeah, absolutely. Alice loved the publicity. The Times noted that she seemed above it all. Quote, she seemed to look upon the whole affair as a lark. So she's kind of cool. It sounds like... Yeah, right. It is like... I mean, when you play the media like that, you are cool. Right. When you're like above it, whereas most people will be like, oh, super into it. And she's just like, this is fucking stupid. Right. She thinks we're stupid. We love her more. Right? We're the media. So she's grown up not giving a shit. Yeah. Because of what happened to her. Yeah. And now she's like, this is all fucking dumb. Right. Right. Yeah. So she's like, cool. Yeah. The press began speculating that the president was going to marry Alpha's daughter

to a European monarchy. Okay. The Tribune quote, she has become one of the most regarded women in the world, replacing the young Queen of Holland in popular favor. Okay. That's cool that they're ranking women. Well, we don't do that anymore, though. Certainly no more it or no list or whatever. Yeah. So the quote, unspoiled woman was nicknamed Prince Alice by the papers. So because she did this thing with Prince Henry and they like hit it off and she... Well, he touched her eight times. He touched her eight times. He touched her arm eight times. Yeah, it's pretty hot. Arm count. And then... Welcome to gossip dish. And then... And because he's a prince and because she made a big splash of this thing, they just started calling her Princess. Princess.

Okay. Princess Alice. And it's stuck. Okay. Immediately after the christening, the owner of the New York Tribune invited Alice to Edward the Eighth's Coronation in England. That's the hot ticket. That's the fucking shit right there. Edward the Eighth's? Yeah, Eighth. Eighth. Not Eighth's. Eighth. I'm trying to buy weed. His Coronation? Yeah, he's going to become the coroner. Oh, right. Right. That's the ceremony. We will present to you the new man who will be diagnosing how someone passed. He's going to become king. Oh, just like Simba. Yeah, like Simba. Now I get it. Okay. Now we're... Okay. Now we're getting it. So he sees his pop in the clouds and his dad sort of emerges from the clouds and he's like, you must keep fighting Edward. You're the new one. Exactly. That's how

it's going to become king. And then fucking scar. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. The English insisted on treating her like she was a princess. So word gets over that she's going to come and they're all a flutter about the... This is just exactly how it works. Right. Yeah. This is like the Meghan Merkel story. Yeah. Across the United States, people debated whether or not she should be allowed to view the coronation with the rest of English royalty. So now they're talking about if she goes where she will sit because she's being treated as royalty. So they're like, well, is she going to sit with the royal family? Like what's the deal? Well, the media named her princess. So she's basically in the monarchy now. Yeah. Now she's basically... Right.

She's anointed. Meanwhile, in Europe, they were saying she was deserving of quote, the honors due to the oldest daughter of an emperor. Okay. So they're all on board in Europe. Right. But some of the press in the US found this all to be unseemly because of course we are the ones who fought against the monarchy. Yeah. Right. But we're also the ones who named her princess. Yeah. And we're the ones who elevated her status. You're... You're... This is fucking bullshit what you're doing right now. What I'm doing is calling out the media again. Asshole. So the media accused Alice of having undemocratic aspirations.

Yeah. Yeah. She wants to be queen or some shit. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Ever. How dare she? The tribune wrote, Alice should be treated as more than a normal American girl visiting London, but not much more and not as much as royalty. And they said the treatment of the press in America, the way they were treating her was bad. Right. Quote, I have never seen so brutally wanton and unjustifiable a series of misrepresentations and falsehoods about a young girl resorted to before in the history of newspaper discussion in this country in an effort to make a political point. That's gone. It was decided she would not go. Oh, she didn't even go? No. Oh, I thought she was like over there. This was all the discussion

before she got there. That's a lot of hypothetical bridges to climb. Everyone went bug fuck. Yeah. Because she's this huge celebrity now. So as a consolation prize, Teddy sent Alice on a trip to Cuba instead. Oh, well, okay. Better. Yeah, I would say better. Fucking absolutely better. Absolutely better. She spent a month in Havana. When she came back, the press followed her every move. When she drove 45 miles from Newport to Boston with a friend, it made headlines because they were the only women to make the trip in a car. It's just so weird. Isn't it? Yeah. It's like. It's the fact that two women and driving in a car is great. Well, also, we live in a post-Thelma and Louise era, so it's easy for us to look at that now. But it's amazing to think that like

two women driving a car is crazy. Yeah. And then because she did it, it's like, oh my god. Holy shit. Rebel, rebel. Yeah. There were constant reports that she was about to get married whenever she was seen with a man, none of which were true. Right. So she's like JFK Jr. Totally. Right. A historian quote, all Edith and Teddy needed to do to know what Alice had been up to the night before was to open the morning paper. Right. So Shirley Edith felt really cool about that. She was like, this is what I wanted. So Alice was so popular, she would often appear on the front page and legitimate important news was pushed to the back pages. What? I'm sorry. I just, sometimes I get caught up in these comparative mindsets and I just, I can't imagine today

the media foregoing actual important things and dialogues that are pressing say that need to be discussed immediately, Nashville, and letting that go by the wayside just for something that's going to sell the rags. Yeah. I mean, it's just, I don't know. I don't know. And I think that if we had that system today, we would really be fucked. Yeah. Things would really be bad. Yeah. Because people would not be able to get the information that was valuable. Instead of having someone to kind of distill the importance of what was happening and explain the nuance, we would just kind of be caught up in what's shiniest and what's dumbest and what's freshest and what's most scandalous. And I think that that would probably create a culture where,

you know, people would find wedge issues that they would just become obsessed with and it would kind of drive a large, large chasm between us and the distance would only spread further and further. The more that we were made to feel like we didn't have things in common, as much as we had everything to fight against each other about. When in reality, we probably agree on 78% of the shit. I just think it would be weird. Oh, sorry. I was thinking about, remember J-Wile? Yeah. Snooki and J-Wile. Yeah. I saw a picture of them today. So I was thinking about that. Yeah. No, they are, they remain friends and untouched by needles. Yeah. I mean, that's, yeah. So that's, I just think that kind of stuff, you shouldn't like throw away, you know what I mean?

Like that's important. They stayed friends. Oh, you're, sorry. So while you're focusing on, you're focusing on the important news of J-Wile and Snooki. I don't know if it's important. I just think it's human. Yeah. I think there's more important stories to focus on now. No, you think like the whole thing with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, like that feels to me like it's kind of a more important story. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like everything that happened there, like, you know, sure there's a lot of issues and stuff, but I just think the chemistry between them and for them to have that performance in front of Bradley's girlfriend or fiance, I'm not sure what she is, but I mean, that's what we should be talking about for a week. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, ocean

life down 4%. Our president hugged a flag. Yep. Yep. How long until he inserts himself into it in front of people and they're like, better, better. But Alice enjoyed all this attention. She started phoning in tips about herself and was paid cash for it. So she is the first savvy. Yeah. Like, she's the first media person using the media to her advantage and they don't know. That's right. Alice smoked publicly, which was not highly thought of for a young lady at the time. It's disgusting. Teddy forbid her from smoking in the White House and she responded by going up to the roof and smoking there. Better. Better. Better. So much better. Yeah. That's what Willie Nelson and Teddy wrote a letter to Ted Jr. quote. Sister. Yeah. Sister. He's still. I'm sticking with it,

sis. He's still. Sister. He is now 17. This Christmas, I'm going to get you a name. And he's Sister continues to lead the life. I named a star after you. It's sister. Sister continues to lead the life of social excitement, which is, I think, all right for a girl to lead for a year or two. But which upon my word, I do not regard as healthy from the standpoint of permanence. I wish she had some pronounced serious taste. He noted she had a habit of dancing all night and then not getting up until well past noon. Could you be more jealous? She's 17. Jealous. She's doing what she's supposed to. Jealous. Yeah. In 1903, Alice went to Puerto Rico for Mardi Gras. Dude, this is just dynamite. Who would have want this existence? When she left,

100 people, including policemen, detectives, and secret servicemen were on the pier to see her off. Detectives. Yeah, I know, right? It's a little bit of a creepy send off. Goodbye, Alice. We'll all be waiting for when you come back. Yeah, we will. I got handcuffs. Okay, bye. Bye. Night stick. Make the boat move. Mace. I'm going to duck down. I can see you. Jesus Christ. You're going to put a sheet over myself. Under arrest for being a bad girl. Oh my God, this is a nightmare. On the island, the Tribune wrote, quote, her stay in San Juan was a continual ornation, and her trip across the island was like a royal progress. That's like when Trump went there. It must be processed. That must be whatever. It could be progress. Yeah, so

she is wherever she goes, she's being treated like a princess. Her behavior in Puerto Rico, please, Teddy, and when she returned, he gave in to her pleas and bought her a car. Okay. And you can smoke in your room. She got a long red touring car and immediately began racing it down the streets of D.C. and getting tickets. Okay. Yeah, but the cops are like, oh, Princess Alice, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was you just going 100. The German naval yacht, the Alice Roosevelt was completed and the crew asked, did I say that they were... No. I'm going to skip that. Oh, so the... The German navy has decided to name... So Wilhelm was so excited by her... Criss-ening. But just how popular she was that he decided to name a German navy

yacht, the Alice Roosevelt. It's very specific. So the Alice Roosevelt... Or as Teddy called it, sister boat. So the Alice Roosevelt has been built and then the crew asked her for a picture which she provided so they could keep it in the boat. All she needs to do to get a naval boat named after her is send a picture that she likes as boys, she likes us. I mean, she's hot. I mean, she likes us boys. I think we have a shot. That's what she looks like. Yeah. Again, it's a little hard to tell because there's so much stuff going on the head. I mean, look how high up the collar thing goes. The whole thing is nuts. It's just like, it really is. It looks like your clothes were eating you. Yeah. Like it looks like a snake is halfway through devouring you, but you

had to wear it out. And the hats are just... Okay. So basically you had to wear a cake on your head and then just be swallowed by your dress. That's right. So Alice now started riding in cars with men without chaperones. Oh, Dave. We can't do that. She's got a vagina. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Don't. She's with vagina. Oh, dear. Oh, no. So this is completely unheard of. Also, we're ending the Victorian area as ending. So women are like, that's fucked up. Can I be more of a person? Right. So she also wore pants. Which we've learned on the show is... People do not. Unacceptable behavior. She chewed gum. Oh my god. Not while wearing pants, I'm assuming, because the two combined. My lord. She played poker. This is all very shocking to the public. Yeah.

But young women were enthralled. Of course. Young women were like, this is the fucking shit. Well, you have an out. You have a trailblazer. Everybody in the country knew about her large and expensive wardrobe. When Teddy took her car away for speeding, Alice would just borrow her friend Marguerite Cassini's car. Okay. Marguerite is a rich Russian... Do you have a dark picture? Wow. Was she holding a sword? No. Yes. Okay. She is. She's Russian. She was an illegitimate child, but then the guy who followed her made a deal with the czar. That's probably why they connected a little. Yeah. They screwed the prison we were born into and let's have a little fun. That's right. Their background is kind of similar.

So she's also a party girl. Eleanor Roosevelt was Alice's cousin, but they did not get along at all. Okay. She told her fiance, FDR, that Alice was, quote, looking well, but crazier than ever. I saw her this morning... It's a tough combo. I saw her this morning in Bobby Galay's auto, quite along with three other men. So that's bad to be in a car with four dudes at this time. Alice drank gin. She went and watched the Wright brothers make their trial flights. In her purse, she kept a dagger and a copy of the Constitution. So she's a little... That's a little Alex Jonesy. Yeah. That's certainly... I think my dad does that. Jim Jeffries does it, whatever that congressman is.

Rumors began that Alice was going to the racetrack often, but the family was suppressing the pictures. Her life is dynamite. Awesome. She's fucking doing it. She's on a permanent vacation. That's right. All this is going on. Teddy was in New York on business, so she was sent to New York to get a lecture from Teddy about getting your shit together. Right? I've decided to be a father. Now we're good time. You need to get your act together. Now I would call you by your name. Listen, baby. Like you don't have one. I'm so mad. I'm going to call you by your full name, Princess Baby Lee Mousykins. Apparently it didn't take, because when she got back, a headline announced she'd been seen at the track. Quote,

she is as much an attraction as the thoroughbreds. Her family, a family friend, said she was, quote, like a young wild animal that has been put into good clothes. Teddy might kill her. We're not careful. Like a young wild animal that has been put into good clothes. Okay. Okay. So she's a teen wolf. There she is in the car. Look at those hats. Look at the nightmare life you have with these hats. How do you drive in a car with those hats? Your neck. By the end of the day, you're like, oh my God. I mean, it's just crazy. Yeah. And it looks ridiculous though that a bird on it. Get an owl on there, you weirdos. 100%. 1904, she went to the Louisiana Purchase Exposition, where she was met by a cheering crowd of thousands. Okay. People wanted to catch a glimpse of the

princess so badly that they almost crushed her against her carriage. That's so, we're about to Lenny with the bunnies, her. I love her so much that we're going to crush her up against the wall. Now, are men on board with this or are they threatened as I would imagine them to be? I would imagine men are threatened. This is mostly young girls. Right. She's breaking the fucking mold. Yeah. She is the Beatles. She's a big deal. Yeah. She's a big fucking deal. Quote. Your language, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Your face. Wow. My mother might listen. No, she won't. She won't. You're right. New York Times quote, Ms. Roosevelt found herself in the presence of a crowd of 5,000 chiefly women, all streaking. There she is and hurrah for Ms. Roosevelt.

Can we bring back hurrah? Yeah, hurrah was good. I mean, hurrah. Also three cheers. No, I want, that's what I want people to yell at our live show. Hurrah. Yeah. I'm going to start doing three cheers in rooms now too. Three cheers. Imagine being at a time when you said three cheers for stuff. Oh, God. Three cheers for David. Hip hip. As Ms. Roosevelt's party reached their carriage, the women burst the ineffective policeberry and a flood of femininity swirled about the carriage. They were all trying to peer over each other's heads and most of them were hurrah-ing. Yeah. Well, with the hat, it must have been really hard to see past each other. Hurrah. Hurrah. Hurrah. Did you hear my hurrah? Previously only great women of the theater had brought out such crowds.

A high society teen getting this treatment was completely unheard of. Okay. But Alice was breaking the model for young women. Alice postcards became big sellers. So postcards all over the place of her. Right. And that's a big deal back then. I guess so. Oh, I'm sure it was. It's got to be. It had to be. It had to be. And some pockets of my family postcards are still a big deal. So, I mean, think about that. Like, when I was a kid, like, people would buy postcards and it would be like, I'm going to send this to people. That's right. I used to do that. Yeah. Back then it was probably like, this is like. Oh, crazy. Yeah. There is a thing you can write on with a picture on it. Oh, my God. And it's of Alice. Oh, yes. We live in the future. So young women wanted clothes

of Alice's favorite color, which was a gray blue, which became known as Alice blue. Millions of American girls all on the cusp of the new woman movement emulated everything she said and did. Okay. Songs were written about her like Alice blue gown and Alice wear art thou babies were named after her like. You mean they were called sister. Yeah. This is baby baby Lee. This is baby baby Lee. So Alice kept doing her thing. She fired off cap guns at parties. She danced a midnight Hoochie-Coochie on the Vanderbilt's roof. What does that even mean? I don't know what the Hoochie-Coochie is. Erin, can you do it? She drove her own car and now had her own pet snake. Well, hello. Which

she brought to social function. What? There's no picture of the snake. Oh. Oh, fuck. Here he is. Oh, God. This. What's his name again? That's Prince Henry. Prince Henry. He looks so stiff. Yeah, they look like they're having fun. Look at him. So what else do you like to do for fun? That's cool. That's cool. I'll try to put these up on Instagram. That's cool. So she has a pet snake which she would bring everywhere into social functions. Yes. Like White House social functions. This is really now becoming, I mean, this is taking a turn. I mean, she is fully like, fuck every day. Yeah, she's really trying like, she's like, what will it take for people to stop me? I think I'm too powerful. Like, she's just like, I'm going to blow all

this. I bring cobras to parties. All right. I'm driving a car with five guys in it, and I'm bringing a snake with me. So yeah, so she has a snake. Okay. The pet snake was named Emily Spinach. Okay, great. She named it that because, quote, it's as green as spinach and as thin as my aunt Emily. Oh, nice. Emily Spinach was a garter snake. And when it ate an egg, it had a hump. No, that's the different one. There's a lot of characters. That's Anna. Anna by. So it's a garter snake, and she would carry it around in her pocket or sometimes around her neck. Or it said pocket book, but I don't think they had purses. I don't know, but whatever. And then what a pocket book was? It's a pocket book, a purse, but they never have,

in the pictures, they never have a purse with them. Well, they put it down, Dave. I feel like they wouldn't be alive. I feel like they would think it was wrong for them to carry purses at this time. I might be totally wrong. I think you're wrong. Like pockets. They probably did, but they needed to. Pockets were, when pockets were invented for women. Amazing to think that pockets were invented for women. And it made a huge difference in their lives. Oh, I'm sure. Like pocket pockets was one of those weird revolutionary things for women. That it's insane. Right. Because they weren't, they couldn't, they weren't allowed to carry anything. And all of a sudden they had pockets. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, what a

convenience. Jesus Christ. You're lucky to let you outside. Alice hid Emily Spinach in covered dinner plates during White House banquets, and would wait for guests to freak out when they removed the cover. Okay. So Billy Madison is in the White House. Okay. So she also liked to barge into meetings in the White House with no purpose other than to fuck with everyone there. Okay. And then she'd start giving advice. So she would go, so she would go into official meetings and start giving advice and Teddy'd be like, get the fuck out of here. I think you should clean up your language. Oh, what's her name? That's girl. Yeah. You there, your posture is garbage. Leave the oval office, Alice.

He smokes too much. Get out. After she interrupted one meeting three times, Teddy threatened to throw her out a window. I'll throw you out a window, my love. He seems like he would too. Yeah, no, he seems pretty chill. This is what's best for you. I'll do it. You'll thank me later. Okay. So yeah, we all know what Teddy looks like, but that's our man. Yeah, the guy who looks like he's wearing two monocles. He does, doesn't he? Yeah. Because he's got, it's a monocle thing, but it's two glasses. He's got no frames. Yeah. That just seems like it'd be super terrible.

Really inconvenient. Breaking your little weird glasses all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Alice then began saying she was a pagan, which was probably just a way to upset the very religious Edith. She started calling Christianity voodoo. Okay. Jesus Christ. He's really, I'm waiting for her to do something I'm not into. Will it happen as the game? She never does. Teddy was furious. He accused Alice of quote, courting publicity, which was not something a lady did. No, no, no, no. A lady does not court publicity. No, no, no. He wrote that she described... Oh, sorry. Hello. That's my bad. He wrote a letter that she described as savage.

Okay. And it was telling her to get her shit together. Right. Alice burned the letter so we don't know what it was, but there's one telegram that survived about her serving tea to charity function. Okay. From Teddy. Quote, do not like the advertisements of your appearing at a portrait show. They distinctly convey the impression that any person who wishes to pay $5 may be served with tea by you and Ethel Barrymore. I cannot consent to such a use of your name and must ask you not to serve tea. Dude, tea is just at its wit's end. It's a fucking tea. You can't just go serve in tea for five bucks. Send a telegram. Alice admonished her vision. Telegram.

Alice responded that she got the telegram too late. Oh, I'm sorry, dad. I already did this. I'm sorry. Good talk, though. Now there's another layer to this, which is Teddy is Teddy Roosevelt. He wants to be the center of attention. Yeah, right. So she's taking away his jam, right? Right. At one point, Alice said of her dad, quote, he wants to be the bride at every wedding at the corpse at every funeral and the baby at every christening. Oh, man. So that's calling someone a narcissist. Yeah. I gotta tell you, she's a very attractive. Dave, are you in love? No, but, you know, I'm not in love, but that's a good looking lady. There's no hat. No hat there. But

she's got a bunch of BS on her back of her head. She's got a flower mullet. Yeah, she's gonna carry that. So Alice hung out with a group of, she starts hanging out with a group of other daughters who are super rich. Oh, here we go. Grace Vanderbilt, Sissy Patterson. The first daughter's club. Yeah. Wow. And Marguerite, who we already met, Sissy. So this just increases tension with Teddy and Edith. Okay. As a group, they were worse. So when the girls get together, it's because they're just super friends. They were all encouraging each other. Right. There's more power rules. They openly flirted with men. They made trips to New York, Newport and Washington, the social circles. They went to each other's parties. They encouraged each other to push

the bounds of social norms. Okay. They would, they would also bail on parties. Like people would throw them like a hundred thousand dollar party and they would just bail on it. Like they were just Right. Yeah. Living it. Living it. Marguerite said she and Alice were, quote, too badly spoiled girls set only on their own pleasure. Right. New York, the New York Herald printed a tally of Alice's social life. Okay. 407 dinners, 350 balls, 300 parties, 680 tees, 1,706 social calls in 15 months. Wow. That is, I don't, I think you're eating multiple dinners. I mean, 407 dinners in 15 months. By the way, a ball in a party, a ball in a party, very similar. Yeah. No, you're, and they're separate categories. Yeah. You're hitting two of these things or three

of these things in a day. Yeah. I mean, it's a full-time party job. 1,706 social calls in 15 months. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. The girls were rarely home except to change clothes or sleep. Teddy and Edith became more and more upset as time went by and Teddy was convinced they were squandering their lives on fabulous pursuits and demoralizing pleasures, which is what they should be doing. They're like 18. Well, this is before you knew that you girls could have fun. It should be. This is before Cindy Lauper broke the mold. I mean, it should all be demoralizing pleasure. Right. That's what you should, everyone should be doing. Yeah. If you wink at me again during this episode, I will leave.

You got the camera on me? People are listening to this. They're not. It's a wink for the people at home. You're an idiot. Teddy to a friend, quote, I can do one of two things. I can be president or I can control Alice. I cannot do both. That is, I mean, you're the president. Your job is to put out all the fires and just sort of have an echelon of these issues you have to deal with. I mean, you need to deal with 85 different problems. Your whole job is putting fires out. And he's like, I can't be the president and be the father of this girl. This fire is too big. And he's fucking Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah. Right. So this is like for him, it's like interesting to hear an Achilles heel. He considered Alice's

pursuit of publicity to be, quote, vulgar. And yet that's what it's because she that's what he does. Yeah, like she's literally mirroring him. Actually, if you think about it, she is being the bride at every wedding, the corpse and the baby at every Christmas. But it's because she's a woman that it's vulgar, but it's everything he does. Sure. But things began to change in 1904. Maybe it was the widespread poverty that was hitting America, but her actions start to look a little worse because of what's happening in the country. Right. Maybe it was the fact that she's clearly disobeying her father. Either way, some papers started to be more critical of her actions. One such paper was called Town Topics, which was about the rich,

but the rich tried to stay out of the paper. So it's like the scandals, like the bad shit about you. Town Topics turned on Alice and her friends. The paper was run by a former civil war colonel who let the wealthy purchase immunity from negative stories. So you could buy your way out. Yeah, good, very good guy. Yeah. There's not any like version of that today, right? No. No, what do you think? Like there's not a like a specific like media publication. Like a publication that if there was bad news about, you could buy a rich person or buy their way out of Canada, a presidential candidate, you could buy that information. Yeah. Yeah. That's different. I don't think that's a thing. Okay. Yeah. So that didn't happen for Alice. The paper wrote, quote,

from wearing costly lingerie to indulging in fancy dances for the edification of men, it was only a step. However, it is admitted that she is a smart girl and smart girls are supposed to be clever enough to take care of themselves without the aid of chaperones. Yeah. He also said she was using stimulants and had listened to some risque jokes told by the son of a new port hostess. Well, hold on, sir. So she heard some dirty jokes and that's a problem. Yeah. She heard, she sat there and listened to dirty jokes. What about the guy who told the jokes? When a woman is supposed to be like, oh, fainting couch. And the man who told the jokes, that's fine. Yeah. Right. But the female who heard the jokes, her ears need to be cut off. That's right. Thank you.

Thank you. The owner of Collier Weekly, a magazine, had previously been attacked by town topics and saw this as a chance to attack back. So he's not, he doesn't have to, he's like, it's great for him because this is a popular girl and he can, he can defend her honor and right. He also refused to believe Alice's hijinks would include such a less, less, civvious, less civviousness. So he doesn't think that she would be off with men or listening risque jokes. So this guy is also not right. I mean, do you think she's, like, how far do we think she's gone with dudes? I don't know, but whatever. It's like, you should, like, if you, you know, it's just, I mean, it's, there still is this double standard where, like,

if a, you know, like a dude sleeps with a bunch of girls, like, yeah, get over here, man. And a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys just like, man, what's wrong with you? Disgusting. It's a horrible, horrible act you've committed. But I'm wondering if, like, if, like, like, what happens to her if she has sex? Like, I don't know what that, I don't know what the air is like and what happened. But I was thinking about, like, when you said she flirts, like, the first time that a girl flirted with a gentleman, it must have been like, what is happening? Yeah. This is the total opposite of everything I've ever been taught. Maybe, but I think they flirted all the time. But I think you flirted with a chaperone around. I don't know. What? I don't

fucking get it. Bullshit. It's so restrictive in an anti, like, humanity that it doesn't, like, it's so alien. Yeah. So Collier fires back, the two papers fought back and forth in editorials, and the editor of Collier sued Town Topic for blackmail. And Town Topic sued for libel. The case was really a battle between old Victorian morals and what was replacing them. But it put Alice's life in even more on display. Okay. So Teddy decided to send Alice on a long cruise to Asia in 1905. Okay. He had, on one hand, he wanted her to get away from her friends, right? And on the other, he thought seeing developing nations would be good for her, right? So seeing, right,

seeing people, Philippines or whatever. People do not have it the way we have in America. Yes, this is a Boat Hail Mary. But she was also sent as a distraction for the press. So he knew that the press would be focused on her because her presence would allow war secretary William Taft, who was her chaperone. Taft was her chaperone? William Taft is her chaperone on this trip. Talk about an easy chaperone to ditch. That's Tafty. Now, that's so weird because he has this reputation that I've certainly played into that he's extremely obese. Yeah, he doesn't look obese there. No, he looks like a linebacker. Yeah. Are you thinking of someone else? No, wasn't Taft the huge one? I don't remember. Yeah, Taft's the one who got stuck in a bathtub. Well, he's not

big there. No, it's not. I mean, unless the tubs are responsible. I'll show you another picture where he's bigger. Okay. So Taft is her chaperone, but he's also the war secretary because he's actually there to conduct secret negotiations with Japan. So they're using her as, what do you call it? A decoy. Yeah, she's the decoy. She's going to distract all the press, and he's going to get this business done. Okay. So along on the trip. Quite a mission that Roosevelt has created for the two. And talk about a movie. You got your movie. Oh, yeah. I don't know where she is. There's also 23 congressmen and seven senators on the trip. Jesus. It was called The Imperial Cruise, and it was the first time the Dadava president had been

a Goodwill ambassador. We'll get back. People in the countries they visited all referred to her as Princess Alice. Okay. Her reputation was only increased by going on the trip. So Alice understood the protocol, and she worked within the limits on the trip, though she's still Alice. Right. So with the trip start, she takes a train to San Francisco. On the train trip, she pulled out a pistol and took shots at targets on the top of telephone poles as the train passed. What? This is quite, this is in America still. Yeah, she's still in America. Okay. So she's shooting at whatever's on the top of telephone poles, which are probably wires. Yeah, wires that are important to people's communication for sure. She also one day set off

firecrackers in the train. And when people said, what the fuck are you doing? She said, it's the 4th of July. And it was not. I don't know if it wasn't. Probably wasn't. And still, even if it was, that's not a valid excuse for firecracker hearing a train. When she got to San Francisco, she slipped her chaperone and spent the night all alone in Chinatown. I can't find Alice. Come on, she had to have done opium. Oh, well, great. Taft, Taft tried to find her. I will find Alice. So then they got a ship, they went to Hawaii where she danced the hula. And then she put on a bathing suit and went surfing and Taft begged the photographers not to take her picture. So Taft, this was pretty early in the trip. And Taft is resorting to pleading with them.

Please stop. Yeah. She jumped fully close. And that's how you stop the media normally. That's right. Yeah, that doesn't make them more excited. Back then, they were probably like, well, all right. Sorry, William. She jumped fully clothed into the ship's swimming pool. No, no lunacy. All she had on was a linen top and a linen skirt. So potentially. I mean, I'm sure she had something underneath. This is when women were lucky enough to wear 16 layers of clothing. So they probably had to get like something to rip her out of the water. Alice said it was her, quote, pleasurable duty to stir up her fellow travelers from time to time. Nice. So in each country, she was given tons of expensive gifts.

The press started calling the government sponsored trip Alice in Plunderland. Oh, there we go. Finally. Finally, a hero in the media emerges. But she, okay, there's big boy Taft, right? There we go. He's expanded. Yeah. But a poet actually came up with that title and then the press ran with it. Right. And the Chinese Imperial Garden. She's only wearing the two dresses there, right? Yeah, look at that. The one and then the other one and then the pizza hat. In the Chinese Imperial Gardens, she was carried on the shoulders of four Chinese men. The countries all thought if they wanted to gain goodwill on the trip, they would have to treat

Alice very well. One traveler on the trip wrote in his diary, quote, perhaps to most Alice was the party. This was so outside as well as inside the country, before the trip, during the trip, and after the trip. Many times after our return, the only question that was asked of me of the experiences of Asia was, how did you like Alice? Right. And do you see all the sights? I mean, Alice? So she did. She spread goodwill wherever she went. Everybody loved her. All the Asian countries were like, yeah, she's great. There we go. From Tokyo to Manila, when they reached Korea, headlines in US papers just said, quote, soul welcomes her. They didn't even say who she was.

Everyone just knew her was Alice Roosevelt. Right. But the plan by this account would be working then, essentially, right? Because the plan is to send sort of Taft and these other people all over the place to do some secret shit. Yes. But she just is clearly in the limelight. So when she was in Korea, Alice scandalously walked arm in arm and flirted with Ohio congressman, Nick Longworth. Longworth was 15 years older. So Taft tried to do everything he could to keep them apart. But Taft eventually gave up because he could not control Alice. He then asked Alice, Alice, I'm tired. He then asked Alice, if she was in love with Longworth, and Alice said, quote, more or less, Mr. Secretary, more or less. Longworth was a notorious DC playboy, womanizer,

and you'll see why. Oh, my God, this man. He was a loser. He was short. He was balding. But he was wealthy and a rising political star. She was smitten. Yeah, daddy issues. Oh, but 150% daddy issues. Yeah, I'd look at the collar. It's great. On this is not the man I thought this is what happens sometimes, you know, Joe DiMaggio ended up with Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, but he's a great baseball player. And still is no excuse. He's maybe one of the best ever. It's not okay. consecutive hits. Dave, keep trying. You can tell me that he, you know, Jolton Joe Jolton Joe is getting you nowhere with me on upon returning. That was a war crime. Upon returning, Alice decided to try to beat the Japan to New York

travel time record. What is she doing? She's just like, she's awesome. I mean, if there was social media back then, holy shit. Teddy was angry when he heard he was worried about her safety, how to take the regular route, regular train, not fast. He was worried about her safety on a speeding train and was offended. She had accepted a ride from another rich guy, EH Harriman. He sent word for Harriman to slow down the train, which he did. But it didn't matter. Harriman had done it for the publicity and it worked. People lined the train tracks to watch the train pass by waving American flags and bands played. It's just a fucking train. Well, I know, but it's like, it's a teenage girl on a train. Don't you pine for the days when that was

stimulating? I do. I think we, I think our brains probably our brains have a lot more to focus on when your big week event was going to watch a train. And then it's gone. And then you're like, well, I got to go read. Yeah. All right. I agree. So Alice got off in New York after the trip. She was at the height of her popularity, right? So she's coming back. She's basically like, she's an American hero because she's done all this great stuff. Sure. Yeah. She did all that stuff that the Richmond Times dispatch called her quote, an American girl who has not been spoiled. She had served the interests of America well overseas and everyone loved her fort. Has she not been spoiled? I think spoiled, meaning a different kind of spoil.

And now she was hanging out with Congressman Longworth. You mean the sex symbol we saw earlier? Yeah. The hot, hot dude. He was seeing, she was seeing driving with him without a chaperone. The Tribune wrote, quote, if they are not engaged, they ought to be. So the Tribune kept following them. And then a day before the family was going to announce they're engaged, the Tribune broke the story first. They're engaged. Teddy supports it because Longworth had graduated from Harvard. Teddy's also got to be like, good, good, good, a constant chaperone. Holy shit. Please, you try, you try. That was about to resign. So he's into it because Longworth graduated from Harvard and was a good family from a good family

and a Roosevelt supporter. The trifecta for a son-in-law. For any politician son-in-law. The press went insane in the run up to the wedding. The couple could barely walk down New York streets because they were surrounded by crowds. The wedding was peak Princess Alice Madness. It was at the White House in February 1906. So the wedding happens. They're cutting the cake. She gets so irritated by the knife that they're using to cut the cake that she turns around and takes a military-aid sword, quote, brandished it aloft and began slashing the cake with it. The slices fell right and left and great was the scramble among her friends forced. So I support her, but this is someone who has not heard no a lot. Okay. If you are

Keetana-ing a wedding cake at the White House, you're in charge. Okay. I don't care who they say is the president. If there's a cake and you take a sword off the soldier and you start to hack it and nobody stops you. Nobody's worried or stopped you or nobody has the guts to stop you. You're the new president. You are in charge. 100 percent. What? Oh, I don't like this old bread knife. Who wants cake? They received extravagant wedding gifts, including fine perfumes from the Empress of China, a $25,000 tapestry from the President of France, a Florentine mosaic from the King of

France, a $1,000 tapestry. Yeah. Is it made from money? I don't know. It's from France. I think they're inflating the price. Two vases from a former President of France, antique jewelry from the King of Spain, and a pearl necklace worth $25,000 from the people of Cuba. Okay. Alice was insistent on calling it her lute. Her lute. Okay. Sure. Whatever. However, yeah. I mean, well, who's going to say no? I love her. Who will say no to her? She's going to use the sword. Yeah. But after the wedding, a couple days after the wedding, Edith said to Alice, quote, here we go. I want you to know I'm glad to see you leave. You have never been anything but trouble. Yeah. Well, I mean, whatever. I know, but you shut the fuck up. You are like an 18th

tier character in the story. You ain't shit, Edith. Still, Alice was free of Edith, so she must have been happy. The couple were not really in love as much as they were comfortable with each other. And Nick was a chronic adulterer, so he went about his business. That guy is, it's just, there's he. And so Alice did too. Okay. She started having affairs with men on the side. After the honeymoon. This is just... Yeah. She's fucking great. Yeah. After the honeymoon, Alice jipped her out of the spotlight. Okay. In 1909, Teddy's presidency ended. Before they left the White House, Alice went and buried a voodoo doll in the White House lawn. What is going on? The voodoo doll was of the new First Lady, Helen Taft. Oh my God. Jesus. That's a little...

I mean... All right. What are you doing out there, Al? Alice, what's going on? Nothing. Just a little gift for the future administration. All right. Is that a doll? Mm-hmm. So people found... She must have told people because people found out about it. Well, you can't keep a secret like that. I mean, I can. You didn't well tonight. So... Sorry. So anyway, they found out about it, and she also publicly criticized the Tafts, and so Alice was banned from the White House. Was her beef purely the chaperoned experience with Taft, or is she just... I really couldn't find out. A lot of the stuff you try to read about her just gets vague, so... Well, also they probably weren't focused on the politics. She clearly did not like his wife because she did bury a voodoo doll in the... Right.

I forgot about that. Right. She buried... Right. Right. Right. When Woodrow Wilson beat her father in the next presidential election, she publicly talked shit about him. Okay. Once again, she was banned from the White House. Okay. She also... One of the reasons she was banned from the White House was because she told a quote, unprintable joke about Woodrow Wilson. I could not find it anywhere. It like doesn't exist. It does not. You cannot find it. No one knows what it is. Damn it. That. Teddy Roosevelt died on January 6, 1919. He had been against the U.S. joining the League of Nations, so Alice took up the cause when Wilson pushed for it, and she was so effective using all of her connections that she was nicknamed the Colonel of Death. Well, she did bury a voodoo

doll in a lawn. And the U.S. did not join. Wow. So she beat Wilson. I mean, people can't say it was definitely her, but she clearly had an influence on what happened. Yeah. She had the media. She became such a fixture in Washington, D.C. that she became known as the other Washington Monument. What? There's a lot of nicknames. So in the 1920s, Alice started having an affair with Senator William Bora. Bora. Bora. B-O-R-A-H. There he is. Got it. No, just click the image. There you go. So he's a good-looking dude. Yeah. So she definitely likes older dudes. I mean, this dude is like... Yeah, she's pretty into the older... That dude is an older man. He's the chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee,

so he's kind of a mover and shaker. Sexual Relations Committee. What? Never again. They fell in love. They wrote letters to each other. She's still married to dude, right? They're still married. Okay. But that dude's a womanizer too. Yeah, yeah, but I'm just curious. She's getting around. Right. Their affair became known. The press started calling her Aurora Bora Alice. Jesus. The press, they still have it. So in 1925, Alice's husband, Nick, became Speaker of the House and they had a child. Okay. Paulina. I was just going to say it's time to get a family involved in this. Oh, look at the happy family. Jesus. Nick loved his daughter even though she was clearly Senator Bora's son. Oh.

No. That explains the vibe. Odds are Nick knew that. Nick died in 1931. He did not leave much money behind. To make money, Alice published her memoirs. During the Depression, Alice wrote a newspaper column and appeared in a cigarette ad. Oh, nice. Oh, wow. Alice Roosevelt Longworth says, there a light smoke, kind to the throat. Wait, what does this quote say? Can you make it a little bigger? I can't. Oh, damn it. I don't think you can read it anyway. It's so blurred. There a light smoke, kind to the throat. That's what I always wonder. Like, did people feel like, because even if you didn't think cigarettes were going to kill you, did your throat get sore? Yeah. And you were just like, well, it's normal. It happens. So, Alice was not a great mother. What was that

due to? I mean, I can't imagine why. Do you think it's because I got no idea. So, she's not a great mom. She never tried to keep the secret of the real father. So, she, like, she's a total smart ass, and she's got a great wit. You know, she's really fucking funny, and she's got a way with the words. But she didn't have, like, the thing that you would use to take care of your kid. It's like something's missing. And so, people are like, yeah, that's not Nick's son. And she's like, that's right. Like, she just didn't. Right. So, at one point, she openly mocked the situation and said she considered naming her daughter Debora, because the senator's name is Bora. Right. That's fun. So, life went on. She hated the hearings on the Un-American Activities

committee, Senate committee. At one point, McCarthy, Joseph McCarthy, called her Alice, and she said, quote, no, Senator McCarthy, you are not going to call me Alice. The truckman, the trashman, and the policeman on the block may call me Alice, but you may not. Wow. Her daughter, Pauline, I don't know why, struggled with depression and addiction. She overdosed on sleeping pills in 1957. The Washington Post said it was a suicide, but Alice got them to print a retraction. So, then Alice got custody of her granddaughter, Pauline had a kid, and this time she doted over her and cared for her. And a mulligan. Yeah, a mulligan, and she loved the kid

and did a good job with the kid. She was always a fixture in Washington. She voted Republican. She was super, you know, she was fucking rich, so she was, she was as awesome as she was for, I think, what she did for women. She's still a really rich person who hated FDR and what she's doing. She ended up voting for the Kennedys, though, because she was the first Democrat she loved, who just happened to be from her crazy rich family. She even voted for LBJ, but then she became a Nixon supporter after Bobby was killed. That's quite a turnaround. Yeah, but she's a Republican. She was just into the Kennedys. But to go from Bobby back to Nixon. That's yeah, quite a move. Throughout most of her life, she preferred to be called Mrs. L rather than Alice. Okay.

After a lifetime of smoking cigarettes and a double mastectomy due to breast cancer in her 80s, Alice died on February 20, 1980, eight days after 96th birthday. Yeah. She lived to be 96? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Goddamn. So she's a fucking badass. Yeah, she's the, yeah. I mean, the idea, if you, if you're driving Teddy Roosevelt insane, you're something. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, they totally manufactured a person who was not going to give a shit, right? They, they, the way that, the way her childhood went, like, I just can't, you know, it, it would be amazing today if you thought about someone getting like a younger, like woman getting involved in mainstream political shit and all the established old

people thinking like, this is too much. This person's too crazy. This is not how we do things. But in reality, it's the person who can use the media way better than you and actually is effective. Yeah. There's nobody like that. The establishment politicians hate now. And are really worried because it's someone who's actually a real person and is not full of shit. But yeah, I mean, there is like, it also shows you, first of all, how stupid the media is, but also how you can manipulate it properly at times. And really, just again, how dumb the system that white men to set up is flawed and ridiculous. And just, you just got to punch holes through it. Treat the system like that fucking Plinko game on the price is right. Punch

some goddamn holes in it. The Plinko game? You got to punch holes to get the little Plinko chips out. I watched the prices right a couple days ago. Yeah, you got to, you just got to fucking kick doors in and do what you're going to do. You can't sit down and wait for the establishment fuckheads to, they're never going to, they're never going to change your mind. So you have to kick doors down. Yeah. And like, so let's say you're in Nashville and you're at your hotel and you're like, is this hotel recycled? And they're like, no. And you're like, this hotel literally doesn't recycle. And then you walk four blocks looking behind buildings everywhere to just find one place to put some recycling. But that means that they don't do it on us. Well, and then when

I asked people, they were like, Oh yeah, not here. Not here. Like you think I think when I think about all the stuff we think about and talk about all the time, you're like, our, I mean, all the stuff our minds are really devoted to is that shit. And then you're like, but they don't even try a little. Not even a little bit. It's a real bummer. Not even a tiny bit. It's a real bummer. Hell of a town though. Um, well, good. Good. She's a good egg. I like her. Yes. I'm in. What? I like her. I'm in. I'm in. Yes. What? All right. You know what? Whatever. I'm done. I'm out of here. You're done to take this. Hello. What are you doing? I'm on the phone with Hollywood. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Let's do the deal.

Yeah. No, I'm just putting, I'm putting something stupid right now with an asshole. What the fuck is wrong with you? When we start shooting next Monday. Love it. Shooting what? Do I have a friend who claims he has boobs to be in the movie? No, I don't. You're the worst fake phone call pretender taker that I've ever met. Well, you're the worst coming up with namers for things that just happened. Guy or I've ever met her. I killed it. Thanks, Aaron. It's been a lot of fun. The door's locked. Anyway, ladies are doing it for themselves.

That's the moral. I liked my ending better. Oh, my dog weighs 12 pounds.