The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 4 - The Past Times with Arden Myrin

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and actress/comedian Arden Myrin. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Arden Marine hello Arden. Hello Gareth how are you? I'm great and Dave will not you will not engage with small talk with Dave that's one of the rules. Okay great. I'm just glad with this it's our first Marine on the podcast. Thank you for your service. You know what thank you so much I really it was hard it was hard I trained a lot and I'm very proud and there's a few of us and that's the best that I can do. Well yeah yeah I mean there's a few of us is

what people often say about the Marines there's a few of us. That's what they say yeah yeah yeah I mean I just hope that I make you guys feel safe while I have a podcast that my presence makes you feel safe. Very. Your podcast is secure. We're gonna need you to come back for everyone because I feel really I feel good I feel like I'm covered in bubble wrap. Yeah that's exactly. That is what my essence gives that's just a just the sheer presence generally thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So today's newspaper I have selected is from Sacramento California October 23rd 1885. Oh my god. Is there any

connection to Arden in this one or no? No no I did not do a connection I just grabbed one with it. What's the hot gauze of the Sacramento bee? Yeah it must be it must be something I just love to picture Dave finding a paper that works and being like okay it's a really weird paper. That's right. That's right. Does it have a name of the actual paper? It's the Pacific bee. I know it was a bee I don't know why do I know it was the bee. I think now it's I think it's still probably the same paper there's now there's a Sacramento bee. Yeah. But I've never heard of a newspaper named after an insect but this is the one. What about the Denver mosquito? That's one yeah a little bit. It's a great paper. I got cholera from the Denver mosquito. Oh good lord. Yeah. You're not supposed to read it

that's why yeah well you can get a lot of stuff from them so yes is the answer you can get cholera from them. Thank you so much. No problem. I wasn't sure how you got cholera but that was a I thought mosquito. You're the marine. You know. I'm the marine. You're the aquatic one of us. I am. I really am. I am both on land and I'm also like a marine marine. Right. Right. That's right. So it's we're coming in hot on page one an alleged robbery is the headline that's happening in Chico, California. Yeah. Dr. Moss a specialist doing business on Main Street between 1st and 2nd. By the way in all these old newspapers they tell you exactly where the person works and lives. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Seriously

home address is normal for them. That's a clock drive big greenhouse. Yeah. He's got the blue door that his neighbors hate and he shits on his lawn when he's had too much hail. Yes. That guy. He's the lawn shitter. He's the lawn shitter. The lawn shitter. Dr. Moss the lawn shitter. So Dr. Moss informed the police officers yesterday afternoon that he had been robbed of 1,490 in greenbacks. Okay. So that's money. That's money. Translates to cash. That sounds like a lot of cash. Yeah. Back then that's a lot of cash. So he stated that his wife had been in the habit of carrying the money concealed about her dress. Okay. Sure. Interesting detail. She's sucking up her 1800s things. Yeah. It's in her bra,

right? Or her spanks. It's like. Yeah. It's like in her like. Or her corset. Her corset or her guard or spanks of the time. Yeah. Were there spanks back then? I think it was more like, I think somebody is like tie. I think it was literally. Yeah. I've done plays like that and they have to like literally somebody has to tie the corset. It's like a two person situation. We've tried to always make it a pleasure for women through history. It's really good. It's so good. I mean, when I think about the luck. It's so good. You're welcome. So comfortable. Thank you. Well, these old fat white pieces of shit. Thank you so much. No, no, no. She doesn't look like her tummy's tall enough. Just pull it in. Get some whale bones on her. Put some whale

bones on her. I'll just eat more fish. Yes. Yes. Great. And then you get like gout and like, you know, like when like people would just eat a picture like whale oil and just look at like Mr. Cree is so. Gravy buckets. Gravy buckets. That's a nickname of mine. Go ahead. That's my nickname. Gravy buckets. It's been so nice to see you two. Thank you. Thank you. But as she had some work to do outdoors, she put the money in a satchel and then placed it in a trunk. So she doubled it up. She doubled it up just in case. But it wasn't like jammed up in the corset because she was out cleaning like the lawn shit or shit off the lawn. Put your corset on when you're doing that. You look horrendous. Will you stop shitting on the lawn? I'm a man I meant to.

Oh, I picked her a man with mutton chops screaming that just like covered it with like gristle stuck in it. That's right. That's why bright. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Gravy boat. Gravy boat. Stop it. Gravy boat. So during during this the time his wife was outdoors, he was on the street and when he came home, they discovered that the money had been stolen. Okay. There was no clue to the thief. It is probable that some sneak had been watching the movements of Dr. Moss and his wife and when he got an opportunity, dodged quickly into their house. The loss falls heavily upon him as it was all the money he possessed. Oh my god. That's like his IRA. Yeah. Yes. I kept my nest egg in my wife.

Yeah. But then yeah. Then there's a parentheses at the end of the story. I love that. A later number of the chronicle relates that the missing money was found in the possession of Miss Moss who had concealed it. She is young and pretty and Moss is 70 years old. Okay. I knew there was hot guys in this. I asked her hot guys. You're like, it's not the hot guys. It is. So basically they're saying his trophy wife. Yeah. It's almost equivalent of right now in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Erica Jane and her billionaire like 90 year old husband, they found that he was like stealing money from like airplane crash victims and stuff. But she had a lifestyle. She had a glam team that she had to keep in business and like he kind of was funneling money.

But this in this case, this Real Housewives of Sacramento 1800s, she's like, fuck this guy. Taking it for myself. I don't think I've ever heard a pitch that'll get me to watch the Real Housewives more than what you just said, by the way. I never watched it before, quite honestly. Like I've gotten sucked in very, it was really like a pandemic situation. Like, okay, I've run out of things to watch. I will. I give. I give. It was literally like this pod person. I've watched the smart stuff and now let me just surrender and watch everything that like my must bring. And I'm gonna say chef's kiss for a pando viewing. There you go. That is what it is. I definitely was also feeling like it felt like it either felt to me like they were both in on it

or it was something she was pulling off. But it is a big, normally you don't get that level of mystery and resolution in the same article. The parentheses. No, you don't. Big player. The writer of it has a lot of judgment on the young bride. Oh, 100%. He's like, well, look, we solved it because he's old and she's young and pretty case closed. Yeah. Why didn't you marry a shrew like my wife? You've got the pre what did you think you were going to keep Emily interested? Gravy both? I don't think so. You're 70. You're 70. Emily's 12. She's 16. Like, like, you're disgusting. I don't want to be with my wife anymore that the like, we all love your wife. But like, that's what you get. That's what you get for reaching up to the high shelf in the store.

Taking the police report was like, we're just both so devastated. Yes, it was. Hopefully it turns up. Hey, don't know where it could be. Right, honey? No, no, absolutely no clue. Just who knows. We're all baffled. Do you think this was the police sort of shaming them for wasting their time? Oh, yeah. Sort of like, you're going to get a front page because like, why'd you drag us into your shenanigans? Well, I think your marital stripes shenanograms because you guys just like shenanograms should also be a social media. But that should be the name of the newspaper. Bash shenanograms 100%? Sacramento shenanograms. So much better right off the bat. I would honestly get a subscription to it

present day if the Sacramento newspaper was the Sacramento shenanograms. Anyone need a shenanogram? Hello, Autumn Marine. This is shenanograms. How can I direct your call? Yeah. Yes, okay. And also just, you know, this is like one of the more normal front page stories we've heard. Normally the front page story is like frog hops. Oh, we got one of those right now. A flight of strange insects. This is happening in Nevada City. There it is. The atmosphere in this locality swarmed with myriads of small flies or gnats Thursday afternoon for a couple of hours. The insects at first sight appeared to be nothing more than minute particles of some cottony substance resembling somewhat the fibrous matter thrown out by the cottonwood tree.

We have not seen anyone who knows the names of these little numerous visitors. They made their appearance suddenly and as quickly disappeared, the phenomenon has been noticed in other parts of the state. Somebody sat down and wrote that. I decided not to edit it or reread it. I think it was a punishment. I think this journalist did something wrong and he was like, that's it. You're on bug detail. Yeah. Or a kid ran in, a new kid reported, I got a hot story. There's little bugs. So there was a bunch of us out by the field and we saw a bunch of stuff and we thought it was cotton and it was cotton until all we realized it was not cotton. I thought it was a bug and it looked like it was just ripped off cloth and it was just ripped off cloth.

Listen to it on the front page. I didn't think this would run with this one. I have to tell you what's scary about both of these stories is that both of them sound like present day stories in my hometown paper. They have, like they literally give like stone wall knocked over, cow suspected, turned out it was like a boy with a bat knocked it off. That's really makes the paper. It's really an incredible crime report. Yeah. This is the kind of times crime report is something. Oh my lord. Yeah. So you are taking a lot of this probably pretty seriously. I was very worried about those bugs and very worried about that nest egg. Yeah. Yeah. You got closure on one at least. Finally. Or both really. Yeah. Finally. I needed closure. You guys and I finally have closed. I

finally as a marine, you're welcome. I've been chasing something as a marine. You know, it's like you don't become a marine like it. So it doesn't just you're not born into it. No, no, you're not born into being a marine. Are you crazy? You're born into it. I finally feel that I have peace. Good. Good. That's what we're here for. I thought you were wearing a ghost brush or ghost brush for sure for a second, Dave Anthony. Oh, God. I saw, I saw just like a top red and white. I'm like, is he wearing an anti ghost t-shirt? I would love that. For Dave to be walking around proudly. I ain't afraid of no ghost. It's just I am not. Yeah. That's the thing. I'm not afraid of no ghost. Dave, he's been a little weird ever since he started wearing that Ghostbusters shirt.

Every day. I think it's got two. And it's like, I think it's like he needs to protest too much. Like he might be afraid of some ghosts. I'm not. I'm not. Why are you wearing it every day? I just want people to know I'm not afraid of no ghost. What's the big deal? Ah, fuck. Okay. That's what I'm going to get for Christmas. That's what I'm trying to wrap my head around. Oh, you know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get them the full on Ghostbusters outfit. Great. There you go, buddy. Here's the jumpsuit. Where are the dickies? That feels very Dave Anthony. That feels very Dave Anthony. There you go, buddy. For the plane. For the plane. For your plane rides. It's his travel outfit.

Yeah, yeah. It's his travel outfit. It's his travel outfit. Well, you got to be ready. You got to be ready. You don't know. That JetBlue plane might be on. Oh, Slimer. You trust that guy? Yeah. No. Um, a Burnett's Revenge. Oh, no. This is, yeah. Is it the wife? Is it the young wife? Yeah. On Monday, last about one o'clock, a young woman entered the office of the state bureau of labor statistics. She was neatly dressed. Ah, already. Relax, sister. Put it away. Her face was rigid and pale. Can you believe that? It's just so fucking, it's just crazy. It's very. She has like a hot outfit, but a tight face.

She's got a real pruny face, real tight, weird, sour puss. She had a tight face, but I loved her look. She put together a smile. She's rigid and tight, but a great outfit. Anyway, on to the news. In her right hand, she carried a stout, raw hide whip about two feet long. Okay. That's interesting. Yeah. Why not lead with that, but okay. Uh, the office compromises two rooms in the front room. The door between the two being closed were Commissioner John Eno and Deputy Commissioner Jesse Gallant and a clerk named Nelson. Gallant was lazily tilted back in a chair just in front of the door. His legs crossed and his head resting on a ledge of a bookcase. Oh, what is he? I'm sorry. Is he dead or is he

just what he's alive? I'm going to take a little, yeah. He's like, come in. Well, just tight face brunette. Oh, hello tight face. I'm just in the middle of one of my shelf naps. What's up? Look, I would take a shelf nap if I had to. I could take a shelf nap, but I wouldn't be waiting for a tight face brunette while doing it. It's like when you watch people on the plane in the middle seat, try to figure out how they're going to sleep and they at some point, probably third or fourth option, go to the tray table. That's me. And you're just like, is that you? It's impossible. No, let me tell you what, Gary. I can nap anywhere. On a tray table? Yeah, bruh. You know what I'm saying? You got a fucking pile. Yeah, I'm talking pile list though. I get the pile. No, you got to know

the pile. You got that tray. But even then, how high? I can nap anywhere because I'm tortured at night by my sleep and daytime nap on an airplane flight. I'm not saying I'm not going to wake up mid-flight with a night terror, screaming like, I'm playing the plane. I'm not saying it's going to be a restful sleep or that I'm going to be a fun companion, but I will fall asleep on that tray. I'm so sorry, Dave. Please ignore my tight face, well-dressed, but partner in crime over here. So Mr. Enos had risen and had opened the door when the young woman with the whip in her hand brush past him. Upon catching a glimpse of gallant, her black eyes flashed and drawing herself erect, she whip, swished through the air and descending world around gallant's head, leaving

an ugly red mark across his cheek. Wow, she did good. That is news. That is news. She's whipping him. She whipped his face and he was like fully asleep when he was taking a shelf nap and he got, can you imagine a worse way to wake up? I don't know if there's a worse one. Like someone bull whipping your head? If you're not, if you're not paying for this, you really don't want it. No, exactly. Somebody could be, somebody would like pay a top dollar for this. Yeah. Like, but if you don't want this, no, you're not safe. No, no. And again, the sleep, the sleep factor is strong. I mean, the idea that you are going to be, it's tough. Like a cold water, they say is tough, but a bull whip around the head takes a while to process what just happened.

You probably wake up and think like you did something. I'm sorry, I must have hit my, did you just whip me? In the face. In my head? In the face. Did you face whip? You got face whipped. Face whipped. After she stood up erect. Yeah, that's right. Right now. The victim shrieked with pain, but before he could, so before he could jump himself into a defensive position, a dozen strokes had rained upon him. Oh my God. By the arm of the frantic women. So you are married, she cried. You have to save me. You double faced villain. And she redoubled her efforts. And that's the end of the article. No. By this time, Gallant had risen. Hey, stop hitting my head with your whip. And manned with pain and rage, he seized the chair and would have brained his

fair assailant had it not been for the intercepting arm of Mr. Enos, who stopped the blow and seized Gallant by the throat while the frantic young woman plied her cutting lashes and tell her arm tired. Then she burst into tears and poured forth a vial of chiding reproaches accusing him of tampering with her affections for his own amusement. I mean, I'm going to say that's on him. Maybe he shouldn't have. I'm a pilot. Oh, I just can't call you because I'm the only pilot that ever existed. You don't know what it is yet. It's going to be really awesome. Yeah, I'm going to say that's what happens. That's exciting that basically like the dirt, the hot gauze that that you know, that's a shenanigans right there. That's a major shenanigans. That's probably make the

paper. Absolutely shenanigans. But I do agree. I think I mean, look, he like, look, obviously nobody deserves to get bullwipped in the head 20 times. But I would say, yeah, I mean, he fucked around. And that is a way to ensure that this person will think twice next time before, you know, if you take 10 lashings to each of your two faces, then that'll make you think twice next time, you know? I mean, and then and then if you do cheat, you are going to be living in an absolute hell sphere where every time you hear a floorboard creak, you're going to be like, I'm going to get whipped. She's going to ruin your shelf naps for the rest of time. If you do it again, no more shelf naps for this guy. Anytime he's like dropping in, he's like, no, I probably

wake up just to see what comes in. He's going to relax and he's just can't. She just created she just created a major sleep disorder, which is fine. Fine. You know what? He did it to himself. He, you know, wow. But then did it also say, Dave, that he was about to brain her? I don't know. Yeah, he was going to he was going to hit her with the chair. He was going to hit her with the chair. What is a braining somebody mean? Like really bust her head open. I don't like that. I don't, I don't. It feels. Look, this is this, this author, this journalist is like simultaneously leaving like this, like hot, but not hot. Like, yeah, you know what I mean? It's sort of like what they call it is like the French, like the French of the word is like ugly, pretty. It's

like the Jolie Laid coming in. Like I've got feels. She's hot. Like I kind of want to get at it. But then like her face is tight and angry because she's just got fully like screwed over by this married dude who has like family. If you're going to focus on one person's face in this story too, let's go with the man who just took the lashings to the facade. Yeah, I would imagine his face would be pretty gnarly. Yeah, he looks like he's got red vines all over his head. He's got red vines everywhere probably forever after that. Like wouldn't it leave a permanent. Yeah, it'll be hard to cheat. Hard to cheat. Hard to explain. Hard to explain to the wife when you come home. What happened? I just slept awkwardly on the shelf. These are sleep scars. They'll go down. I kept changing

angles. I just was, I slept on a notebook for a while. So there's a lot of little marks on here. I was fucking another woman and she whipped me. Oh Ralph enough. But I tried to brain her, but then my boss came in. My boss just held me back and then let her beat me for another hour apparently. I was ready to brain her with the chairs. You know, like I do. Oh, I would have brained her. I would have absolutely brained her. I mean, she looked, her outfit was lovely, but that angry tight face. Oh, this face just looked like a ghoul. How awkward was the office the next day though? Oh my God. Can you imagine? Your boss held you to get beaten until she was tired. Morning. Morning, Roger. Morning. Thanks again for yesterday. That was very helpful. Thank

you. That won't happen again. See your lover can beat you in the face. Look, it's awkward. Yeah. At some point, I'd be like, all right, just hold her back. I won't brain her. Hold her back. He's like, no, no, let her finish. Yeah, let her finish. Is this all the same year, Dave Anthony? Oh, these are all the same day. All these stories are the same day. Wow. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what a hot day in history. Oh, yeah, we got another one. All right. Headline in this one is shot for not obeying orders. Okay, great. This afternoon, while a number of small boys were engaged in firing at a target near the Salinas flowering mill, one little fellow, son of TJ Smith, an employee of the mill company, not liking the sound of the

exploding cartridges put his fingers in his ears. He was requested by a boy named John Susan to take his fingers out or he would shoot him. Come on, John Susan. Couldn't I have had another guy's name in the middle, mom? No, John Susan. John Susan, come inside. I'm living. That's why John Susan is such a bully now because John Susan says that he's going to threaten to blow somebody's fingers off, right? John Susan, wash your hands before supper. This, the Smith boy did not do from probably not hearing the request. Oh, right. He had his fingers in his ears. Yeah, John Susan, excuse me, it's me, John Susan. You didn't take your fingers out, me, John Susan. I'm going to let you take your fingers out. I know you could hear me. Oh, here's a little bit

dig. Here's a little bit of dig and then he and then the rest of the sentences and Susan immediately fired the ball. So he's just calling little boy Susan. And Susan immediately fired the ball taking effect just over the right eyebrow, ranging up around the skull and coming out the top of the head. Oh, that's not good. That's actually bad. No, when you mean full ball entry in and out? Not great. Yeah, I've read. He was immediately taken to the drugstore of George McKinnon. By the way, anytime someone shoots you in the head, go to CVS. I've said this time and time again. That's where you're going to get the medical care you need. I'm not going to lie. I love CVS and I feel safer to CVS and as a trained Marine, I would go right to a CVS. Well, okay. I also just

think about Dave Anthony. Anthony is a first name as a last name. He could be Dave Susan. Davey Michelle. Little Davey Michelle. Davey Michelle. Davey Susan. Susan Anthony. So then Susan was reading us the article. Davey Susan. Oh, Arden, I mean, we're having fun, but Susan, keep going. I know you've got some more to read. Okay, wait. Dr. Edwards dressed the wound, which is not considered to be dangerous. It went through his fucking, it went through his head. He got like teabagged by a ball through the skull. It came out the top of his head. How was that fun? Then he went to a drugstore and the guy's like, well, it's not so serious. I mean, I do have some prescriptions to fill, but I guess I'll put some bandages. What do you

guys want me to do? I'll put some bandages over it, I guess. My brother broke his arm and the local doctor wrapped it with a, he was like having a cocktail and he wrapped it with a shingle and an eighth bandage and there's all these like splinters that went in my brother's arm. I'm sorry. And then that same doctor that will remain nameless, allegedly took a shit in the whole of the third golf, like at the golf course. Oh, well, that's Dr. Moss. We talked about him in the first story. Dr. Moss, that's right. That's right. This is actually how I shot it. This is my memoir. It doesn't matter if it's a lawn, if it's a golf course, he shits on it. He sees green. He loves greenery. That's right. He better have shot it four. So I guess the kids alive,

the Susan boys skipped out after the shooting has not been found. So, you know, that was really a weird story. Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah. Not a lot of closure, really. That poor kid that had his fingers in his ear. He was just trying to like, he didn't want to have his like hearing blown out and Dave, like Dave Seuss, I don't know. Yeah. Dave Seuss and shot him. It's John Seuss. That's such a Dave Seuss and moves to shoot. It's classic. It's classic. Classic Dave Seuss and to shoot something. Dave Seuss is mad because he didn't want to hear the gunshot, so he shoots him in the head. This kid's not got a great future. Then what you do is you immediately just take your fingers out of your ears and you put them in the bullet holes. Like you've just got new ear holes. You just

replug. It's called the replug. It's the replug. It's the replug. It's like, okay, well, I'll just use the same technique on the massive hole you've put in my skull. Take me to Walgreens. Yeah. That's right. Okay. Here's an, so sometimes they just do, a lot of these old papers just have like a random little thing, maybe to fill space or something, but this one, there's no headline. It just says, it is reported that yellow fever has disappeared from Guillamas. We hope this is true, but there have been so many lying reports from Guillamas of the same tenor that this should be received with caution. Why even put that in the paper? Because they're passive aggressive and they're pissed. Yeah. That is true. They're like, there's so many bullshit reports, so I'm just saying,

I'm supposed to report it, but if you guys don't stop with your lame ass reporting, I'm, they're, they're pissed. Yeah. Another prank from Guyon, I think, to be honest, but here we go. You know what I like? I like saying that even in olden times, people can have like sort of talk sideways out their neck at like their co-workers, the people in their town, like we're, that we all just have little bits of garbage people that live inside of all of us and just can leak out even back in the day. And also it sounds like the front page is basically like Tetris where they're like, all right, and then we'll put a baby article in. Oh yeah. There we go. One page two. One page two now. Oh well. Is it all the same paper? Yeah, same paper. Are you, this is the greatest.

Things happened. Paper. Oh my God. Wow. Some of these papers are just bananas. Like, I'm razzled by, I mean, so far we've got, we've got a lot of marital strife. We've got kid shootings. We've got like, we've got, I mean, I don't like a kid shooting, but we've got like the, you know, like the cheating, the lashing with the whip, the young wife, like this is a fun, this is the hot goss. It's a hot town. It's the shenanigans. It's a shenanigans. Here's another small blurb. Near Toronto, Ontario, Saturday, a large bald headed eagle carried off and killed a two-year-old child. That's not true. That's not. That's freedom. That's America, babe. That should be on the goddamn flag of this country. That is gonna be on the flag. Take that, Canada. I just like to picture that

the stork dropped it and then the bald eagle was like, thank you kindly, Storky. Off for suppers. You think that's not possible? No, I don't. I don't think it's possible. You don't believe in this country and you never had. You hate it. Dave Student is doing his best and, and I don't, I'm gonna have to shoot you if you go after him, but just. You do. I cannot believe, first of all, you're taking sides, but second of all, art and that is the represent, that is what this country is all about. Letting the side of freedom do what it wants to a goddamn child. This is America, baby. You guys don't think an eagle could carry a baby. I do. I'm not a two-year-old. I think a two-year-old. A baby, yes. I think a two-year-old. That's why we've always left babies out to get

taken away by, by bald eagles, but we don't, we don't do that with two-year-olds, two-year-olds. It's a sad advice. But maybe they were smaller then. Maybe they were smaller back in the day, because we waited for that. That's what I think. Lighter bones. Lighter bones. They had fish bones back then. We only lived when we were like 11 then, right? That's right. That's right. By the way, if your child is taken by a bald eagle, there's no doubt in my mind it goes right to Reagan in heaven. That's how you get him. Taking gold. Thank you. Hey, we have some entertainment news on page two. I can only imagine what that counts for. According to the dramatic critic of the Chico Enterprise, the play of Mae Blossom, as presented in that city by the Rosewood combination, found

little favor. He remarks, on the whole, there was too much emotional, sickening dribble in the play with the audience. And the audience was thoroughly disgusted with the kissing and hugging and sighing and fainting that took place before the thing was over. The people of Chico do not want anymore Mae Blossom in theirs. Wow. Pan. That is an angry review. And this is also a time, Arden, where we've learned people would go watch like a walk race and be like, whoa. So for your play to get this panned, it's not good. No, there was a guy carrying around a sack of flour and everyone in the town would come out to see him. Like it's not a lot of it. Look at the flour guy. Honestly, if I went to a town and they had a full event of a guy carrying a sack of flour, I would absolutely

go watch it and be excited about it. Like that was set up. It was organized. People knew about it. I would go support that. Yeah. I feel that this person was maybe excited by that a little turned on by like the really needed to shut like sort of like how like the senators that are like, gay people are disgusting. Then they like have like a, you know, a boyfriend on the side or whatever. I feel like this guy, this was too much. Protests too much. Yeah. Too exciting. It's also that like normally the reason why you're in the position of being a critic is because you have like a taste for the arts and people respect, but he's like, everyone was disgust. Like he's taking the side of the people versus his own opinion kind of, which is, you

know, new. It's new. Yeah. It's new. Because there's a lot happening in Sacramento. Oh, this is no joke. It's no joke. No, no, no. Babies, babies getting taken. I mean, truly, this is the most exciting paper I've I've had read to me in my entire life. Yeah. Yeah. And I hire somebody to read me the paper. Yeah, I was going to say, this is an honor considering. I have it delivered. And then I just, I just pay whoever's passing by and I'm like, oh, excuse me, sir. I'm ready. Yeah. That's what I do every morning. The the next we're on page three now. Okay. Headline broke his arm. Now we're finally getting to what these papers are normally like. Yeah, I mean, it's a nail fell off. Johnson has a cold. Yeah.

Yeah. X deputy sheriff George Newbert, proprietor of the Bruce House, had his arm broken in an unusual way a few days ago. He and another gentleman were boasting of their superior muscle. And to ascertain which had the struggle right arm, they placed their elbows on the bar, clasp right hands, the test being to see which one could force the other's arm down on the counter. Well, there was was arm wrestling, not a term like I just didn't have access to the term arm wrestling. He was like, it was quite a contest. It was hand versus hand with elbows pushed down on wall. There was a considerable struggle. And at last, Newbert, who is a powerful man, made a great effort and forced his opponent's arm down. But at the same instant, the bone of his arm snapped

between the elbow and the shoulder. The arm was broken in the same place some years ago, and this accounts for the fracture. I feel that I would have had the same reaction with the I feel that I have so little calcium in my body that if it had been me, but in like the 1800s, and I sort of a lark, we're like, let's arm wrestle. I believe that somebody could snap my upper arm just like with a fun little game of arm wrestling. Well, what if like when you were getting ready to do that and Eagle just came down and took you? It would be my destiny. I know I was going to go see Ronald Reagan. So I'd be excited. Hello, Arden. Yeah. But so nobody wins. If you pin a guy, that's an arm wrestling man, your snaps in two feels like we might have a draw.

It's a hard it's a hard win when you're like, thank you high five on the other hand. We're still on page three. This headline is from war to peace. The quarrel of an Italian and French woman. Oh, this is this this will probably be dealt with. This is this is like their activity. Yeah, this is their crime blotter. This it says. Oh, good. Police matters. Police matters. There we go. Yesterday afternoon down in the vicinity of Second and L streets, there was quite a commotion owing to a disturbance between an intoxicated French woman named Cora Phelps and Stefano Ronaldo, a saloon keeper. She blew a police whistle violently for a while and then made up her mind. And then made up her mind to go immediately to

the police station to have Ronaldo arrested. What is she arresting? I doesn't say. So Stefano concluded to checkmate the French woman and then commenced a lively race, the Italian winning by a full block. So they wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. He's checkmating. So he's gonna, he knows she I think they're both. Although it says Stefano. Oh, an Italian and French woman. The Italian is just you figure that's a man. Wow. That's strange. You didn't you didn't gender specify because my head immediately went this was a man. I thought they were both women, but Stefano dude. So Stefano Stefano Ronaldo's a dude. She's a woman. Right. She blows the whistle. Nobody comes. Then she says I'm gonna have you arrested. She runs the police station.

He says no, I'm gonna have you arrested. And he beats her to the police station. Okay. Wow. Okay. That really is for being too hot. I don't know. Okay. So he went up the stairs to the city attorney's office four steps at a time and was breathlessly telling of an assault by the women. You're not going to believe this one. Oh, I'm just sorry. My eyes are killing me. Gosh, she's like a spicy meatball. So when she put an appearance downstairs and was quickly piloted upward by a reporter who wished to see the city attorney tossed between the wave of hot Italian wrath and the whirlwind of French fury. So the reporters like get up there. This is gonna be great. Keep going. If we get a priest, have I got an article? While accusing parties glared at

each other, the attorney was endeavoring to bring about a lull of the passionate elements. This is very pervy, very pervy. This is a very pervy paper and I love it. It is. I love it. Judge Henry entered and joined in the smile of spectators who were observing the ludicrous scene. The French woman. The judge also was like, well, this is quite droll. This is fun. Great day. This is fun. Ludicrous and fun. The French woman did not know the official but catching sight of his amused face indignantly denounced him as a as no gentleman. And you're not gentlemen. You don't know shit. She told the judge to leave. You leave. Fuck off. He and the crowd only smiled the more and when someone addressed him as judge,

she was sober enough to become calm and humbly, tearfully beg his pardon for her. I thought you had to wear robes of the time. She declared that she was only a poor girl and then it in parentheses. Wow. Aged, aged 45 years. Wow. Wow. She's not a girl. She's a, she's a skeleton. 45 years a girl. How dare you. 45 more like French hag bag. Yeah. I mean, truly they were 45 years. 45 years girl. I'm telling you, she is a duster bag. And he's just, I'm confident it's just a dust comes out. That's why I, that's why I was beaten here. I'm so old. I'm 45. The attorneys settled the matter temporarily by allowing each party to sign complaints and having both arrested. Right. Did they both, were they both like, well, wait, sorry, what? Yeah,

yeah. That's right. We'll, we'll meet in the middle. It seems like you both have been drinking a little. We'll all go to jail. Everybody's happy. We're all going to get arrested. Everyone's just, so we meet so, so that it's just a clean, we're just, we'll both go to prison. Awesome. Great. Great. That's fantastic. I'm just a young girl. 45. We would put her in juvenile hall. I'm kidding. She's 45. It's a miracle. She could run. Why is this woman alive? This is an apparition. If I've ever seen one. Okay. He's not afraid. He's not afraid of no ghosts. Oh yeah. Dave, Dave, you did turn a little white there, Dave. You do get very afraid. I'm not afraid of no ghosts. Well, I'm not afraid of no

ghosts. I said this. No, you're making it very clear. You've been very outspoken about, yeah, you're not afraid of ghosts. And by the way, I just want to add to the plain outfit I'm going to get you. You'll also have one of those like ghost buster guns. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. Overland on horseback. A man passed through Auburn last Thursday riding a fine grade Norman stallion and leading a big brown mare, the latter heavily packed who had just come through from Illinois. He left the latter state last June and had been about four months on the road. He was on his way to Murphy's camp in one of those lower counties. These are the first horses that have crossed the plains on foot doubtless for some years. Wow. So a guy, a guy rode through on a horse.

They couldn't believe it. Dave, what page of the paper are we on? 55? We're on four. We're on four. It feels like we're dragging ass a little now. Yeah. I mean, they had such a hot week. They were all exhausted from such a hot week. Yeah. Truly, yeah. They were like, and a bunch of horses rode. There was a man on a horse. A guy who was on a horse. It's pretty crazy for the 1800s, huh? Man on a horse. Now I've heard everything. What a crazy. Think about all the things you guys know. Just think about every single story and paper that you guys have like learned about over the years. Arden, I've forgotten 98 percent. Absolutely. Oh yeah. People will be like so much. Remember that guy bought that country?

You know, and I'll go up. No clue. It sounds insane. No idea. I guess you would almost have to have. You'd have to clear space for that. Yeah. It's the little bit. It's like the desktop trash can. It's like you could fill it up, but eventually, you know, we need, we've got to make room for more trash to fit in my head. Trust me. As a person whose brain is filled with trash, I just legitimately, who professionally has a brain filled with trash, does not. It's in and out very quickly. It has to be. It has to be. It's just pure garbage over here. Pure garbage. Look at my, look at my, look at my world that is all trash. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's pure trash. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Okay. This doesn't have a

headline, but people living in the neighborhood. By the way, seems like a weird thing, but sure, paper. No headline for this one. Straight story. Whatever. Some stories. They just have a line above it. Sure. Yeah. Who needs right people living in the neighborhood of New Chinatown, witnessed a novel site yesterday when a Chinaman went galloping along the street on the back of a monster bear, which was going at a pretty lively rate. There's more. It kind of worded it better, because it's a great story, but the opener is like, you get the, you know, I feel like I'm like, yeah, it is, it's, it's. Well, to them, that's more shocking than the bear. They're like, a Chinaman was a wow. Yeah. Though the racism against Chinese people in, in Western papers

is fucking crazy. We used to find stories and I haven't seen them lately where they would put two E's on the end of a word when they would be having a quoting a Chinese person. And it was just like, I just, just so Chinese insane, insane, insane. Yeah. Can they just say a man was riding a bear? That is a great headline. Like, I didn't know a man could ride a bear. It's a fine headline. I've never heard of a man riding a bear. I believe that less than I believe the two-year-old in the Eagle. That felt like a lot happening in town. The fact that that made the, a man riding a horse and a man riding a bear, but then they, like, racialized. How is a man riding a bear later than the horse riding man? That's what I need to know. That is an actually very good question. But, you know, maybe,

maybe this is, maybe this is where they always do the, and in Chinatown news. Yeah. Right. Oh, sure. Right. Yeah. Right. The brewing was bridled and saddled in a regular fashion. So the bear was saddled in a regular bear fashion. Sure. Sure. Yeah. They put a little number on his side, jockey, all the whole nine. I mean, bears are super cute. Like, I love the idea of putting a saddle on a bear and riding it. I'd love to ride a bear, but I don't think it's a great, like, long-term commitment that I can make. No. No. No. I'm going to leave out this next description of the rider, but the rider wore a heavy pair. It's really, the rider wore a heavy pair of spurs. The rider and his steed halted in the main street of the Chinese quarters. What? And the bear was led

through one of the stores back into a little shed. What is going on? I'm starting to no longer believe that this happened. That's where a bear. He's got spurs, and then he's parallel parking him into stalls. He lives in a shed behind the store. It's the bear. It's the store shed, bear. Yes, that's a reminder to never shop there. It's like a deli cat. And what are you guys? It's a bear daga. It's a bear daga. Learning of the curious riding animal, a chronicle reporter went to New Chinatown to see it, and the rider and the bear was found to be of the black species and was a regular jumbo in size, standing nearly as high as a cow. Okay. Standing as high as a cow? He stood as high as a cow.

Are they talking about a cow on all fours, or are they standing up a cow being like that? That's basically it. I think, I don't think I've never seen a cow stand on two. You've never rid Gary Larson. Get involved, my man. Yeah. One of the great documentarians of our time. In conversation with the owner, it was learned that he had caught his bear when it was a very small cub, that he carried it to his cabin, carried for it tenderly, and when it grew large enough, he trained it to draw a small wagon and to perform numerous tricks. The bear has always been well treated. You lost me at that point.

The bear has always been well treated. That's why I ride spurs on him. And it runs about as it pleases, but always returns to its master when called, just like an intelligent dog would. When the bear became strong, the China man began riding him and never had any trouble. He now rides him whenever he goes hunting or fishing and finds the better companion than a dog, for he will go into water and bring out game. He's a wild bear. He's a bear. You know what? He's better than a dog when it comes to salmon fishing. The dog actually would retrieve. This bear does most of the hunting on it. I just kind of watched the bear do his thing right and back and forth. I mean,

really, it's quite a relationship. I'm like the baby shark. You don't have to get the shark, and then you got the little baby fish that just eats the grubs. That's me. Mm hmm. I mean, we have a lot of problems with this story, but the idea that a bear would go catch a salmon and be like, Hey, no, you can have this. I like it's just never happened. No, no, I just can't think like, let's just say he didn't capture this bear. Sure. The bear is going to turn on this guy. Oh, fuck yeah. I mean, this is like Tiger King. Like this is eventually the bear is like, what the fuck? I'm a bear. I live behind a deli and you're riding me to the river with your spurs on and you're

making me catch you your salmon. I don't think so. I'm a fucking bear. At some point, the light goes on for the bear and he's like, I think I don't need him. I mean, it's like the end of Grizzly Man. It just ends one day with the brain getting eaten while Werner Herzog's like, and he had no clue what he'd gotten himself into in the bear digger. The bear digger. The bear digger. The bear is going to win in the end for sure. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's it on the bear. The bear digger should be a musical like little shop of horrors. The bear just like takes over. But he comes and visits the bear that they get a lot of publicity from the bear. People want to get pictures of like, you know, like the critic shows up and he's like, I am just sick and tired of bear musicals.

This town doesn't need any more emotional stories between bears and men. Everyone is disgusted by we were all throwing up in our bags. There was so much the kissing between the man and the bear. I did stand up in Alaska like three years ago. It was a little tour with me and Chris Porter and Bill Dwyer and Jeff Dye and like this guy going out in the wild, going out with Bill Dwyer is like riding a bear. I want to say I have an actually written a bear, but I feel like no, it's actually really fun. But the report there was like an article. This guy wrote this article and he was like really nice about those three guys. And he was like, and then I didn't talk to this guy. It's like the coquettish Marie and I'm like, I'm just waiting. I'm just a human

woman with a high voice and like coquettish. I mean, I was like, I'm not even like flirty in my eye. I'm like this stupid idea. It's just like, like it wasn't even a review of the show is before we'd arrived trying to come by ticket. It wasn't even a review. It was just like, wow. You've seen her on these shows being all coquette. It was the most you know, Arden. You know, Arden. Yeah. All you have to do in Alaska is just be like, woman, be here. And then the place will fill up. I mean, quite honestly, the crowds in Alaska are great. Like it's actually really fun to go. It was so weird because it's always generally such a fun show to go do. But like this reporter was so enraged that a human be wise. She's not allowed through the wall. Okay. On that note, this headline is

a queer girl from Merced. No, I can, I can only imagine the sensitivity that this is treated with. It would do well in 2021. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, this, yes. Hazen Clark from Plainsburg, Merced County, who is camping with his family on the vacant lot next to Chestnut Woods Business College has a great curiosity. Sounds like a great camping trip. And we're going to pitch a tent near the school. Have you been camping near the business? Have you been camping near the business school? It's amazing. I love camping. I just go, I go up to Occidental College. Oh, I love it there. In the spring? Oh, science lab. And it is just the Bunsen burner cast off alone. And you're one with the school. It's just you're right back to the elements. And they're like,

ma'am, ma'am, we're going to ask you to move your tent. I'm not moving. And you're roasting a marshmallow. Oh, look, I love nature. I love nature. I love being outside. And I go to U.S. State. Hazen Clark has a great curiosity in the shape of a girl 10 years old. What the fuck? What? I'm like bothered, but I'm not sure why. She is about 28 inches high and weighs 70 pounds. What's happening? Is this written? It sounds like it's an eagle recipe book. Her head measures 24 inches in circumference and her joints are all double as well as her brain. What is happening right now? She has double brain and joints. She has double brain. She appears perfectly well in spite of her abnormal development. And Mr. Clark says she has never been sick a day in her life.

What sensitive to this lovely young lady? Oh, yeah. She's got two brains that can twist her arm in any direction, but she's fine. She's a fine girl. She's 12, but she measures, she's just the size to fit in my pocket. Do you want to measure her head? Measure her head again. Tell me I'm wrong. What a crazy stat list. Yeah, there was like a reporter walking by the college and he was like, oh, may I, may I measure you girl? Absolutely, you may. Would you like to use our tape measure if you brought your own? There we are. Show them what you can do with your leg, honey. There we are. Look, she can turn it around all the way. And her brain's lumpy too. There's two in there, you see. It's like when you get a double yolk dig. Look at that. A double yolk dig.

Uh, his feet gave him away at locking up time at the Folsom prison yesterday afternoon. It was found that Dan Sullivan, a prisoner sent from San Francisco, was missing. The prison, the prison force was called out and searched and Sullivan was found covered up in the sand, only his feet protruding. Oh man, you gotta do the feet. Come on. How sloppy are you? They can, just because you can't see them with your eyes. Yeah. It's the ostrich, it's the fatal flaw of the ostrich, believing that the whole body's under sand. I mean, that's how I feel out in the world when I have my, when I have a mask on, I literally think I'm invisible. And then when people can see me, I'm like so enraged that my face mask has like hidden me completely. I feel invisible,

but I'm blind. I don't like it. I feel it. Two stalwart guards resurrected the attempted escape by pulling him out by the heels and he was immediately incarcerated in the quote, deepest dungeon beneath the castle's moat. What? The deepest? What, what sort of fairy tale shit is that's where Rumpelstiltskin lives? He went and moved to Rumpelstiltskin's basement. They moved him to under the moat? I do, and look, I'm not saying, I don't know what he did, maybe he did bad things, but when I, when I hear somebody have an escape, I'm like, have a go. You know what I mean? Good for you. Got it out. Give it a go. I agree. I agree. It is at that point where I'm like, I let him have some fun. He just wants to go lay in the sand for a

while. Hopefully he remembers his feet. Yeah, he's just hiding in the fan. Okay, perfect. Everything's covered. Now we wait. Here's a good headline. Why are they not arrested? Sure. On the morning of August 8th, two young men engaged in a wild shooting affair in an uptown lodging house. There were other persons in the room, but strangely only the principals were wounded. Both were expected to die and were not disturbed at their homes by the officers. But, as in proof of the adage that only the good die young, this pair of hoodlums lived and now walk the streets. As if they did not care to be tried for violating the laws, they did not make complaints against each other and have never been prosecuted. This sounds like when someone tells you a story

and you don't know either of the people in it and you're like, I'm sorry, I don't understand. What's happening? You're like, so two people shot each other and then either reported each other. Yeah. They're like, we don't want to go to jail. Like, you don't want to go to jail, right? No. All right, great. Put your fingers in your holes. Yeah. So young John Palm and John MacIsaac should have been arrested upon the order of the chief of police and they and all their ilk taught a lesson in regard to the carrying of arms and the two free use of them. So they're just free. They shot each other. But if you shoot each other. Yeah. I think you're allowed to figure it out. I think you're legally allowed to negotiate on

your own behalf. If you had to get shot in one part of your body, if you each had to shoot each other, what part of the body would you choose to get shot in? Wow, that's a really good one. Thank you so much. I felt really excited about that. I was excited that I thought of that. I would probably go, well, there's some factors, but if I would just, I would probably request, I've been drinking all day. I should point that out in the buttock because it is, it's, you know, there's a lot to it. I feel like it could take a bullet. I mean, it's taken two already. But that was Vietnam. Dave, what about you? You can't say butter. You're cheating. Well, that's fucked. What do you think, Dick? All right. Dave says, Dick, let's just move on.

Dave says, Dick, let's just keep going. Dave, you can tell by his eyes. I guess I wanted to go, I wanted to go through the torso, but a place where it would just go through. Oh, I did not get like an organ. No organ area. I wonder if I could get like a hip, like, but I don't want like the bone of the hip. Yeah, you don't want the hip bone. Like the side ass. I just want like that. Your ass too. Yeah, ass. I agree. If you go ass or like the side hip, where there's like a little meat on the side. I want side cheek. I want, I don't want dead on. I want like, you're like, think of the temple of my butt. I want it on the temple of my. I think about it. No, Dave, what did you say? I said, I do think about it. What do you mean?

You think, what do you mean you do? What the fucking crazy answer? What a crazy thing to say. We haven't spoken in person in a year. He texted me. Oh, God, okay. He's like, he's like the yellow king and true detective about your ass. Oh, no, that's a graphic image. That's what he is. I don't know. I'm not saying it's me. I'm just saying these are the texts that I get. I'm not really touching them. It feels like you're nurturing it though. Okay. I wanted to feel comfortable. Oh my God. It's not easy being patient. That's what you meant when you said butt temple. I just thought that was your religion. No, that's yeah. Yeah. No, it's you, which is also my religion in a way.

I can't work at the temple. I can't work at the temple. I cannot work at the temple. BT. Let's end with a quick one. This just says the rise of MC Blake. MC Blake. I love his. Yeah, he was in tribe. MC Blake, who since own Reno town site traded his coat one winter for seed wheat and went all winter with a blanket tied around him with a bailing rope. That's the whole story. I know. Wait a minute. He traded everything for seed wheat. In winter. In winter, he trades his coat for seed wheat. For seed wheat and went all winter with a blanket tied around him with a bailing rope. But I know what he's thinking. He's like, he's like, I can get a lot for this jacket now. The market is screaming and dictating for coats. Nobody's planting in the winter.

I'll trade my jacket. It's basically Jack at the beanstalk. He's like, I'll trade my jacket for some seedweed. I'll have the worst winter on record. But then man, am I going to have whatever the fuck seedweed is crops? That's right. I mean, I hope he did. I hope he gambled correctly. I hope he survived and feel like like fully making it rain and all when the harvest came, watch out. Just 90 more days until I could plant my seedweed. Wow. And what page is that on Dave? Is that like, is that on page eight? What's the date again? One more time, Dave, if you don't mind. October 23, 1885, year of our Lord Jesus Christ. Let me ask you a question. How old do you think you would have lived to in that year? We've dabbled in this.

I don't last long in these times. I absolutely don't last long. No, no, no, I don't knock up from party stock. I do not. We can each generation. They would have had a gout. They would have had a gout cemetery for my whole family. Oh, man, you're you would have been for the part of the gouts. And these are the gouts. These are the gouts. No, literally ever. Like my great grandfather was like six, six. Oh, so you are really? No, we literally are shrinking every generation. It's like bone genes. Yeah, we just get smaller and smaller. It's like you're those Russian dolls. Yeah. But a genealogy. Yes, that's exactly it. I'm the inner doll. Yeah, it's like not strong hearty. See, I have no interest in having children. If I knew that I was going to keep producing

tinier and tinier offspring, that wouldn't entice me enough to be like, I want to see how small this little thing is. Like how much could like how much could offspring just like genetically just get fucked in the next generation? Like just the tiniest. Yeah. Hi, mom. I'm full grown. You're so tiny little man. Yeah, tiny little man. Well, speaking of tiny little men, Arden. First of all, thank you for joining Dave and I who are tiny little men on our show. And then please, please promote anything you like. You have obviously you have. Yes, you have a lot going on. So why don't why don't you just go to it? Will you accept this rose? You're fantastic podcast. Can I just say Gareth has been doing my podcast and he's so funny. I have a podcast called will you accept

this rose? It's a comedy podcast about the bachelor. You don't have to really watch the bachelor. You actually do not because you do such a good job of condensing what happened and then you have people who are also so knowledgeable as well. I'm such a serial killer. I write out each episode and we have like this season's rookie of the year is Doug Benson. It's like broken down by comedians. But we don't do spoilers and so Gareth is coming up. He's going to be a believe the beginning of August, which is when the season gets good. You don't want to be early on. It's when it gets more interesting later on. Yeah. Although I will, Arden, believe me, I was biting through my tongue when I was watching the cat man. But anyway, keep going. We need to start with that for a

second. Okay. But then I have a book called Little Miss, Little Compton that is out now. It's about to come out in paperback. It actually is very much a lot about that town that has the newspaper that's like that. It feels like a time travel town and the doctor that shits in the hole. That's a great doctor. As long as he keeps it to the golf course and not wounds. Exactly. That's exactly. And you can follow me on Instagram at Arden Marine. Looks like Myron M.Y. Nobody would ever pronounce it like that. That's crazy. It's just like, you know, the drunk Swedes that are just drinking every generation trying to make you healthy. Sure. Tiniere and tinier. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Arden. Thank you for having me. Tastic. Thank you. And Dave, you were Dave Susan. You were just

on fire again, baby girl. Dave Susan. It's always nice to see you. I like you. And don't forget, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. That's my catchphrase.