The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 403 - Princess Cecilia of Sweden (Live)

Episode Date: November 13, 2019

TheLifeofPrincessCeciliaVasa

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me to say more? Yeah you're supposed to say a lot more. Like this is a bi-weekly or you'll say like bilingual or bisexual or biracial something stupid. I'm not sure first of all I think that you're actually like we're in the middle of the intro I don't think this is time to do this. Here's what I feel. I feel like you're you're making it seem like I always do the same thing every time. No no but you know just start. Okay but now you're making me feel bad. I just want you I'll give you money to start. I'll pay you to start. Okay. Wow. So I'm like someone you can pay to do stuff like that. That I am. Dave. No it's just weird.

Dave. For me. David. Now we're gonna play an episode we just did last night in Sweden in Stockholm. And we're in Oslo. And we're in Oslo. And called it quote is jam-packed. Jam-packed. I'm the fucking hippo guy. Dave okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become a tiggly-plot guy. Okay. This is like Adam. I'm a five-part coefficient. My room's a place. Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep though hippo. No sleep though hippo. Action partner. Hi Gary. No. Is he done my friend? No. No. Hello, Sweden. Hello. No, no, no, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. So great. I just asked you. I put my faith in you people. Thank you for getting it, and I love you. Hi, Nick, are you here? Do you have my glasses? These are all scratched up.

Oh, thanks, man. Oh, no, let's do this. You're listening to the dollop! This is a bisexual American History podcast. Each week, I... Mustache Haver. Proud of you. You're not going to create...

This is not going to go down the nemesis line. Child... Baseball game, watching... Hurry up and finish that one, sir. Jesus fucking Christ. No need for a pause of that nature. It's a long pause. Child... Swedish beer drinker. Dave Anthony.

Read the story from American history, or Swedish history in this case, to his friend. Gareth Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Gareth does not want me to call him my nemesis, because he is like... You guys know what the secret is? The book, The Secret? But he kind of thinks that if I keep calling him my nemesis, he'll become my nemesis.

I'm just happy to hear this logic, because before this, you've barely been sticking to your guns. For two guys who spent so much time together. Yeah. It's not normal. It's not normally how the nemesis relationship works. It is. No, it is not.

Anyway, shut up, Dave. I would like to say I have an album coming out December 6th. People can go on social media. It's through Comedy Dynamics December 6th. You can pre-order it now. There's links and shit all over on my Twitter and my Instagram. So for those of you here, for those of you listening, download the fuck out.

You can get it everywhere except for Sweden. Everyone except for Sweden, yeah. And they wanted to do it here, and I said, no, I said, no. Not for them. Do you want to make an announcement about it? No, just show up the data as well. November 16th, 1540.

Dear of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1540. Princess Cecilia Vasa. Oh, I know this one. You guys know this one? I know this one. I'm going to enjoy watching these people learn it if they don't know it yet.

That's a good one. Was born in Stockholm. Her father was King Augustof, the first founder of modern Sweden. Is that true? What does that mean? He founded the political setup. 1500s, really?

And nothing has changed? You guys still have a king? That's cool, yeah. I got to admit, I never get used to... I'm always like, how do you have a king? It's 20... It's 2000. You still got a king. You guys like your king, though, right?

Don't like your king. Well, fuck him. It's weird. Modern kings are normally really popular. I know. It doesn't make sense to me that people still have kings. And also, you should be able to kill the king and become a new king, right? Why is that rule now gone?

You should be able to kill the king. You're on the fucking king now. I just killed that king. Like the old days. I see the logic, but I also see the flaws. So Cecilia was said to be the most beautiful... By the way, Dave just came to your country. She was like, let's kill the king. It's an interesting angle.

We might be leaving early. Wait till you hear what I have to say about our president. Oh, boy. Our king, actually. Sorry. His majesty, the royal orange. Oh, god. No, it's... anyway.

I'll determine what my joke is. Cecilia was said to be the most beautiful of her five sisters. She also had five brothers. King Gustav was fucking nail it. Sure, yeah. It says here, Gustav was biased. And that's not a word that should be there. So I don't know what that means.

Cecilia was, quote, sickly most of her young life, but had an adventurous spirit that often put her at odds with the irreproachable royal image the king wanted to portray. So she's a wild card. Sure, right. And monarchies normally don't love that. They do not love that.

In 1556, 18-year-old Cecilia and her 18-year-old sister Catherine were, quote, presented on the dynastic marriage market. All right, I think it's my time to jump in. So it's like they're selling fish? Yeah, it's like you.

It's like tossing them into another guy's arms. It's like, hey, what? I got a pound of woman. It's more of like an auction. Give me 40, give me 50, give me 60. I'll take that laugh. I'll see 60. Yeah, so, you know, you try to find the best match. It'll help your kingdom and, you know, that business.

Wait, so he essentially is trying to find the right husband for her, but it's also it's not just like random. It's like got to be somebody who is going to up the profile and be a positive. Okay, gotcha. Two years later, Count Edzard.

Is that a name? That's a... I don't know. I don't know. Count Edzard II, who co-ruled East of Frisia, which is a part of Germany, basically.

Went to Sweden to strategically marry one of the two available daughters. Edzard chose Catherine. She was, quote, more sedate than Cecilia. He knows what he wants. I'll take the one laying by the fire. Not the one running around.

Wow! I have a wild card! Woo! Let's do gymnastics. So they got married in October 1559 in Stockholm. The next month, they headed for East of Frisia with family,

including Cecilia, a younger brother, co-ruler, slash, John. So... In East of Frisia, he's got a co-... He's co-ruling shit with his bro. John. Yeah, John.

Name second. And then King Gustav's oldest son, Eric. He's an interesting fella. Now, he's the heir to the... I'm gonna get the throne when Gustav kicks it. Okay. So the party moved very

leisurely and slowly from castle to castle, quote, to the great distress of the inhabitants surrounding the castles. Wait. What are they doing? They're just going on a castle tour? Yeah, they're like, it's like a honeymoon, and they're just all going to different castles. They're just showing up to castles, like,

hey, we're gonna live here for a while. Back then, they were all inbred, so they all fucking knew each other all over Europe, and they were like, I'm in my... lover, like, it's all... Sure, so, yeah, okay, sure. So, to quote, to the great distress of the inhabitants

surrounding the castles who had to provide the supplies for the honeymoon couple, and their... ret... retoon? Entourage? Okay. It's pronounced differently. I've always been pronouncing that...

the word entourage is entourage, but that's what I know. It starts with an R. In December, they were at... a Vatstina castle? Yeah. There you go. You must feel pretty good. You're just like, let's not push it.

Let's keep going. I feel like I scored a touchdown. It's about 241 kilometers from Stockholm. On the first night, a guard saw a man climbing a rope ladder into Cecilia's bedroom. Sure. Okay, and as a guard, this is where you step up.

It's time. This is time. It is time. He did not step up. Okay, awesome. Good guy, good guard, for sure. Because it happened the next four nights. Alrighty. It's a mating rope. That's right. And then the guards told Prince Eric who sent his assistant and guards to investigate,

and they entered Cecilia's bedroom and found John naked from the waist down. Porky pig look. I love it. I love the... Not taking off the shirt move. I was... I was... Yeah, yeah.

She's like, give me more. He's like, that's all, lady! So Eric then locked John in one of the castle towers. Sure. This all sounds really cool and normal. That's what you did back then. Grounding adults.

You got like a great view. It's not like, put a minute hole in the ground. Well, still. You're left there like, fuck! Hello! I assume you pissed and shit out the window? Well, it's quite an assumption. With having no knowledge. Yeah.

I mean, I've seen castles. I've been to a castle. Yeah, they probably don't give you a lot of stuff up there. Yeah. They weren't thinking about bathrooms when they built those things. No. So, he... He would take him out

for a, quote, lengthy interrogations before an interested auditorium. So he... Is Eric public hearings? Yeah, Eric is like... Except he's in trouble. And all these people are watching, and you do when someone fucked your sister.

Yeah. Again, I'm sorry. I would just love plumbing. That's all I'm after. Did you make her cum? Honestly, I... Yes. I'm sorry. I should not have. I should have stopped earlier. I'm sorry. I'll come faster.

Is that what this is? I can't... Can I have a bucket to make wet in? Uh... So, by December 17th, word of the scandal they all returned to Stockholm. He was furious with Eric for holding public interrogations

instead of dealing it with discreetly. It's nice to know that that was abnormal because you just don't know. You're talking about a different era. I'm like, that's what they do. But he's like, what the fuck? No, don't do that. What are you, an idiot? Son's name to Eric. Always a problem.

Uh, so... Not dealing with it discreetly because news of Jonathan City as affairs now spread all the way across Europe. Nice. In Sweden, it became known... He wore a shirt. In Sweden, it became known

as, quote, the Vastinna noise. Vastinna noise. Okay. I'll take it. It's close. Vat? Vastinna? It's getting further away for sure. Vastinna!

Okay. Now it's German for sure. No doubt in my mind, it just crossed the German. Gustav was also mad at Catherine for not watching her younger sister. He was most angry, however, at Cecilia. He beat her and he ripped out her hair.

Jesus Christ. Well, that's what you do. Jesus Christ. My God, she was fucking someone. How dare she want to be a human? Then he threw Cecilia and John in jail. He put Catherine in... Same cell.

No, no, open the door! Open the door! No, no, no! God damn it! Take your shirt off if you're going to do this. It's kind of weird. It's just a regular cell, just a glory hole. That'll do. He put Catherine

and Edzard under house arrest. Now, Eric got away with just a rep or man, even though he's the prince and in charge of everybody, because Gustav didn't want to publicly punish his heir. Why not have a show?

Yeah, do a show. But he did throw Eric's assistant in jail. The assistant was like, I'm sorry, what's going on with him? He can do whatever he wants. You know. You knew about it? He didn't. Stop it.

So, Gustav wanted to execute John and Cecilia. Jesus Christ. For fucking? Yeah, for fucking. You don't fuck before you get the thing on the finger. Easy. Let's be more specific.

What kind of world would you be living in if you could just fuck someone before you stood in front of the sky god Oh, I love her. Sky god. You weren't fucking

with your shirt on, were you? No, sky god. Really weird. I know. Least on button, it's fucking crazy. Yes, sorry, sky god, sorry. So, in June, but Eric talked his dad out of killing John and Cecilia.

What a high-stakes conversation. Dad, don't kill him. I'm really mad. Don't kill my sister and her fuck buddy. Don't kill your daughter, dad. At least she's bald. In June, 1560, Catherine finally talked,

was allowed to talk to Gustav and she convinced him to release her son, Edzard, from house arrest. Okay, nice. And then in September, Gustav died and King Eric took over the throne. Okay. He would not let John out of jail until...

I just gotta say, so far this guy's proven himself to be a bit of a lunatic. I'm excited for his promotion. Yeah, it'll get better. Okay, better means worse in this show. He would not let John out of jail and swore before the royal court

that Cecilia was a virgin. Listen, I just want to... Be totally honest. All I did was eat her out. And then I took off my pants and she gave me a handy, but I never put anything in... How do you say anal in Swedish?

We're all speaking English. That guy knows, but we don't need it. Um... Let us confer for a moment. He ate her out. Have you heard of the American South? It's where anal started. Sorry.

A lot of facts are coming at us. We're trying to still suss out the last thing. We'll put a pin in that, obviously. Circle back there. Uh... So, he... He does, uh... And then Eric...

John does... She's a virgin. Somehow. Turns out I was in the stomach and her belly button. That's why she took her shirt off. Not now, sir. Don't.

I've always wanted to hear Swedish guy yell that. Yeah. Uh... And so, uh... He swears in front of the court, and then Eric has John forcibly castrated. Man, that's some fucking bullshit. I just told him she was a fucking virgin.

Take his balls. Wow. Jesus Christ. Forcibly. The pants are staying on, finally. I like how it was forcibly. He didn't volunteer. Yeah, forcibly is not something you need with castration. Actually, there's some places, I guess, where you're like, finally!

I'm holy! Uh, the surgery was done by the state executioner without anesthetic. I think calling this a surgery is a bit much. That's like calling a tire a car. And then John moved to Holland and took no further interest in the opposite sex. Weird.

I think I'm going to watch soccer. No, it's tickled for a while. Uh, now Eric decided that he wanted to marry Queen Elizabeth of England. Interesting. But she was not into marrying him. So they were in...

They went into negotiations and she kept stalling the negotiations. What kind of fucking... I don't know, but it's so weird. We'll do a seven-year marriage. You know what else is weird? Kings. Fair.

I did love one in England when Boris Johnson had to go talk to the Queen. Oh my God, he's talking to the Queen! And then he lied to her. And I was like, he lied to the Queen! Because I'm a bit reliant. I'm a bit... So crazy.

The Queen! 94! And then what happened? Then he said, I'm lying to you, you see? And then what happened? You just answered that, didn't I? Yes, yes, yes. These are my dogs!

Yes, that's right. Many corgis. No! I'm sitting! Quite well! Quite well. So, Eric releases Cecilia

after almost a year in jail. Cool dude. Now he wants to try to restore her reputation. What is his angle? Well, first Eric ordered the minting of a coin depicting her as the biblical character Susanna who was falsely accused of having sex

at a wedlock. This'll do it. What PR angle is this? It's an homage to another woman who fucked before a wedding. So I'll kind of throw this set off for her a little. That's your currency? Yeah, I mean...

This is the fuck coin. It's like, then everybody's just walking around going, oh, that's right, the princess fucked a guy. Like, it's hard. Princesses fucked the guy. One, two, three. So Cecilia's quote value on the marital market was

severely deflated. Yeah. She once could have married the cream of the crop but that was over and possible suitors were all now worried if they became too amorous they would have their balls cut off. But

they wouldn't have their ball... Like, if they were, like, trying to marry her, they would not have their balls cut off. Yeah, but if they, like, met her and liked her and was like, hey, you want to make out, then they're like, oh, god. Yeah, well, yes. There's a track record of balls being removed.

So yes, you are trepidatious in that environment. Also, they also want a virgin, right? Like, I mean, imagine marrying a woman that wasn't a virgin. I mean, sorry, I'm just looking for someone my age who's never done it. The search continues.

I'm allowed to, but you are dirty when you do it. Do you understand? Do you see how it works? I'll make a coin calling you a prostitute. And I can do whatever I want. So Eric put rules in place for Cecilia. She was banned from receiving guests at night, leaving the Royal Castle without a chaperone,

and sending or receiving messages without permission. Right, so she could not do anything. Yeah, he took away her iPhone, basically. Right, right. Anyone who saw a violation of the rules but did not report it would be executed. Wow, this is quite a world. Gustav, oh, sorry, Eric reached out.

Gustav, hey, I'm back. Oh, my God, your eyes, they fell out. Eric reached out to increasingly insignificant nobility. So, you know, he's going around asking and everyone's like, no, no, no. So he's going down the nobility chain. Sure. Which is, you know, no one's interested. Everyone's like, yeah, no, she's, uh...

She sounds like she knows what she's doing in bed, so I don't want her. I want a woman who's confused and scared. Yes. Yep. It is insane. It's completely insane. I always think of, like, the laugh,

like, I would never, a virgin, give me someone who's been around the block, man. There's... Yes. Yes. I mean, yeah. I feel like such a fucking weirdo. How was that? Awful. Well... I'm loving it. I, uh... Uh, in 1562, quote,

minor nobles in the remote reaches of Poland were canvassed. I mean, they're just like, fuck, I guess we'll try Poland. That's not the woman who had sex with the man with the shirt on. Is it? God damn it. How? We have an old polo's joke about that now. Uh, a Polish court...

A Polish count then finally agreed to marry Cecilia. Okay. But she... Yeah. By the way, another key has to get her married. Yeah. Another key has to get turned. That's right. She made it very obvious to him that she wasn't interested. Okay. So the count backed out.

All right. Now, all this time, a Swedish negotiator had been trying to make the marriage between Eric and Queen Elizabeth happen. And then he finally gave up. But because of that, England and Sweden had closer ties. For whatever fucking reason. Cecilia wrote to Elizabeth in January 1563 about her, quote, sorrow over others controlling the selection of her mate.

She wrote that to... Elizabeth. Okay. Cecilia asked the Queen to invite her to England for a visit. That's how invites work. May I come to your country? What? Yeah, why? She saw Elizabeth as a role model,

but it was also an excuse to dodge a marriage proposal from a Hessian. Is that right? Hessian. What is it? What is a Hessian? Is it a... A German?

Okay. Yeah. Uh-oh. German's contagious. So a... We'll just call it German. German Duke who was coming to Stockholm. Elizabeth invited Cecilia to London.

So Cecilia wanted to leave immediately, but Eric kept delaying the trip. He was becoming more and more erratic. Sure. One day Eric would tell her to have all her furniture and stuff ready to go. For what? I'm not moving there.

I don't know why... Yeah, you go with your furniture if you're going to... He's taking... She's... What? Like a couch? All of her stuff, her furniture stuff. Her furniture?

Yeah. My dress, sir. It's going to be a while. This is going to take ages. Yeah. It's IKEA stuff. Okay. Yeah.

Eric was, quote, one day giving his word that she... That should cause her furniture and supplies to be put on the ship and be ready, and the next day he would reverse everything and have her take it off. Okay. So the movers were like, we hate this guy. The Hessian Duke arrived, but Eric couldn't close the deal. Negotiations did not go well.

Cecilia was completely focused on visiting England and was trying to learn it from every English visitor that arrived. I think they got a hit because they just got a video. Just... Look at it. It looks like a double. It looks like he hit a double. Oh, and I got a video on my iPad.

What are you going to do? It came through. Let's just... People care. How about... Like eight people... These people are basically on the edge of their fucking seats. They're all sitting very comfortably, especially now.

I have to know how my son is doing in a baseball game in Encino, California. He's on third. Okay. Oh, he almost hit a home run. Sounds like John. It's the last game of the year. So...

Right. So he's delaying this trip. He's being a crazy asshole. So... Later that year, Eric imprisoned their brother, Johann, on just made-up charges of treason. Okay.

Because he was worried Johann was going to try to usurp him, take over the throne. It doesn't happen anymore. No, it doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen anymore.

No. Johann and Cecilia were very close, so this added more tension to Cecilia and Eric's already difficult relationship. Yeah, as if it needed more, yeah. Then Cecilia met Christopher Zaringent, a member of the royal family of Baden in present-day Germany.

Okay. Christopher had given up his right to the Baden throne to his brother in return for a large annual allowance. That's the move. Right? That's... Right? Without question the move.

The fucking smartest... The move. Oh, God. The move. Why don't you run it and just pay me the nod? Yes? Yeah. That's 100% the move.

Yeah. I was being the king. Socks. All right. Well, I got to go to Costa Rica for a little while, my man. If that's a thing. So then... So now all Christopher's doing is just traveling and spending money.

Yeah, and he's a prince. Yeah. It's like not like... I mean, you still get the dumb title. Yeah, and he's clearly like a different type because I think most people will be like, no, I want to be king or whatever. Ugh, no.

And then... But then he's also the kind of guy, oh, Finn got out at home. This has got to stop. These turns are too much for me. This is... We're doing two shows. So he's also like not a normal, right guy.

So he's going to be the kind of guy that will be in a Cecilia. So he meets her in a Dixie. Right. Which is weird to just go off a personality. Wild. They married in June of 1564 in a not at all grand ceremony. The wedding served a little political purpose and seems to have been because they were in love.

Imagine. Take his balls. And take her anus. That's right. I'm having a little fun. Put her anus where his balls were. We're doing a swipsy swopsy. What's your surgery specialty again?

I'm the man who perfected the anatectomy. It's called the ball talk to me too. I do both. And I'm also a swapser. Professionally. Anyway, that's how my brother has balls where his anate should be. Hello. Off to the toilet.

For a long lay down. Frontside. So a few months later, Eric gave Cecilia permission to leave for England. On November 12, 1564, she and Christopher set sail for England. Cecilia had five young female personal attendants and a chaplain with her. They sailed first to Estonia because Sweden was at war with Denmark. You guys did that a lot, right? That was a good thing.

Fuck those guys. Let's not rev the engine again, sir. The party then traveled slowly over land for months during which Cecilia became pregnant. On September 9, 1565, the now very pregnant Cecilia and her party crossed the English Channel from France. According to Ian Keller in Princess Cecilia Vasa and Queen Elizabeth of England, the boat sailed through rough seas and quote, although all the passengers were sick, Cecilia sat up on the deck on top of the hatches singing in English the Psalms of David. So, everyone's very sick.

She's pregnant and just laying on the floor singing hymns. Yep, she's up top. So maybe the family has mental issues. Maybe she just likes feeling sick. Two days later, they arrived in London. Cecilia made a splash with quote, a black velvet dress with a silver apron and a golden crown upon her head. Sorry, I'm not into fashion, but does that not seem crazy?

That seems completely insane. What if you were like to a four-year-old girl like, do whatever you want. This is it. You'd be like, all right, let's go. We'll go to the grocery store. Let's do it. I'm a princess maid. You sure are.

Keep moving. Let's get out of here. Queen Elizabeth gave her an estate to live in in central London. Three days later, Elizabeth returned from holiday and met Cecilia for the first time. Elizabeth praised Cecilia, quote, both for her good looks and elegance and for the grace and facility with which she speaks English. You guys are still good at that because of Netflix. The next day, Cecilia gave birth to a son.

This is a big week. Yeah, big week. Seriously, I've been holding that in for a boat ride. Elizabeth was his godmother and was given the honor of naming him. That's fast, by the way. If you're Elizabeth, aren't you like, hey, I just got out of a thing. I'm not ready to jump right back in. Yeah, it's a little fast.

Elizabeth picked Edward. He was christened at Westminster Abbey from a narrative of the journey of Cecilia, princess of Sweden to the court of Queen Elizabeth by James Bell, quote, the baby was covered with a shawl so heavily bejeweled that two gentlemen bearers were detailed to assist the lady in waiting. Wait, what? The baby at the christening is covered with a shawl that is so heavily bejeweled that two gentlemen bearers were...

They've jeweled the baby up to the point where they need two men to move it. That's right. Like a seven-pound baby. Yes. My back hurt. Bloody hell, my fucking back is killing me. That's your child, why? Lord.

Yeah. Also, if someone, like, forgotten just left it, the baby would be crushed to death. Yeah, yeah. But you also don't want to drop it in the christening water. You'll be like, yeah, he sank. He is at the bottom of that. He is way down there. I see him.

Look, he's right down there. Cecilia made inroads into London's social scene going to important weddings and dining with nobility. Sure. On November 23rd as a, quote, token of goodwill, Elizabeth gave Cecilia 2,000 pounds, which is about a million bucks. Well, it's quite a nice gesture. It's a nice gesture.

I can do this because I took it from the people. Isn't it fun? They can't get inside here. But this would not, was not enough to overcome Cecilia and Christopher's serious spending habits. Uh-oh. They quickly amassed. A million?

What? They quickly amassed, according to Charles Beam, quote, 14 large chests containing all types of jewelry, necklaces, rings, and precious gems, including diamonds and rubies. Put it on the baby. That is like, 14 cat, like, the most, like, chest full of jewels. It's like, what, what else can I have that's just totally useless? I mean, unless you're going to bury it around the world. Or you're a fucking dragon, like, let me tell you.

It's so I'm completely unrelatable. Uh, to pay for it, they took out dozens of loans. What? I mean, what? What are they doing? By the way, like, if you're going to sell a loan and you're a queen, are you like a princess? They're just like, yeah, of course, a princess.

You can have a princess alone. She's a princess. Yeah. She's a princess. Uh, so they're taking out loans from a few pounds from butchers and fishmongers to 10,000 from a wealthy sweet living in London. Wow. So they're taking out a $5 million loan from a Swedish guy.

And then they're also like... Butchers and fishmongers. They're like, well, uh, I could give you a bit of lamb. Would that do you? No, I'd like a tenner. Well, uh, don't, I don't do this. This is a butcher's shop. If you look in the window, you see all those sausages.

I'm a princess. Yes. Right. Right. Again, yes. Unbelievable. I'd like to have in here my shop. Good Lord.

Yeah. I'm a starstruck. However, I'm not a bank. I am still a meat slicer. You got... Mainly a bit... I'm a butcher. I'm a butcher.

You know, that's what... Yeah, it's my thing, innit? You got... You got money. Well, again, it's complicated, right? I do because I have a business. Yeah. But I don't give it to people because I'm not a bank.

Did you see a bee and think it was a bank? It's a butcher. I would like $20. Right. I'm not long-line foreman behind you, but what I'm trying to tell you is I don't do that. That's not my occupation, love. I... Here you go.

Fuck off. Unbelievable. My God. What has just happened? What has just happened? And for you, I have some meat. No. No.

No. No. No. What? No. I mean, I've been to the reverse butcher. I'm a bank. I'd like to deposit this turkey right on, sir.

And I'd like to withdraw some salami. So, in January 1566, they started missing loan payments. So they haven't been there that long. Well, that's... They're really killing me. They're burning out, not fading away. Yeah, they've been there about six months. It's not great.

Oh, my God. I think so. And they have 14 chests of jewels and rubies, and no money left? I wonder what you could sell that could make some money back. If only there was a thing. No. No, there's nothing. So creditors start hounding them.

Christopher went to the mainland to borrow money. And then Cecilia met a Belgian self-proclaimed scientist. That's how it works, by the way. I'm a scientist. And I can fly. Who had secretly returned to London after Queen Elizabeth exiled him for falsely claiming he could create gold using alchemy. That is pretend scientist.

He's a bit of a rumple-stilled skin. Charles being, quote, driven by her needs, Cecilia seems to have been more intimate with Cornelius than benefited, than befitted her dignity. So he, I think he's saying she was fucking him. Wow, okay. I think. Cornelius loaned her 10,000 pounds, which I think is... Lots?

5 million. He gave her 5 million dollars. Who the fuck are these people? What is their plan, though? Is their plan... I mean, this is like a Ponzi scheme. Yeah, I mean, they're just... They clearly are not good with money.

Yeah, I mean, not only not good, they're like incapable of fathoming it. It turns out when you're raised as a princess, you don't have a... What does that do to you? Walk me through it. You don't have an actual genuine connection to the worth of money. Why, because you value nothing? That's interesting. But Elizabeth, Queen Elizabeth learned that Cornelius had returned and that he was dealing

with Cecilia, so she had him jailed along with his wife and children. The wife was like, good shit. Thank you so much. That's right. Why are we in here? Well, they're just thinking of kids. Like a five-year-old kid is like, what happened, dad? We live here.

Well, daddy said he could make gold. I'm a scientist. I'm a scientist. Legally is... Word spread of Cecilia and Christopher's spending and death. In late February, a play with elements that mocked Cecilia and Christopher began a run in London. Oh, boy.

Christopher is portrayed as a black guy who was lewd, spiteful, and scornful. Why does everything have to have racism in it? Why everything? It's unnecessary. I would imagine that it wasn't also a black guy. It was probably a white guy. Oh, Dave. Yes, I've already made that fucking mentally.

Are you kidding me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cecilia was warned not to go because she was, quote, accurately represented. Oh, I wouldn't go. They really nailed you. Cornelius did too.

That... It's too accurate. But Cecilia went anyway. Oh, boy. By the way, backstage. Cecilia's in the crowd tonight. Have a great show, guys. That's five.

Five. Oh, my God. She, quote, could scarcely believe that such is the case, which would indeed be to add sorrow to sorrow, to chafe and aggravate a wound. So she couldn't believe this play. She's already such a victim. She's already gone through so much by buying 14 chests full of jewels. So she's obviously, now she's being attacked.

On top of that, horror. Yeah. No, she's been through a little. I mean, the good thing is if she's feeling bad, she can go look at all her diamonds and rubies and just feel good. And it's hard to not find them because they're everywhere. We're feeding the baby them. In March, she wrote to her brother, Johann, and used the third person.

Oh, that, by the way, that's when you always know someone's gone. It's like, I remember when Brett Favre started calling himself Brett. I was like, farewell, hero. Got speed. Quote, at her walking, a diverse Englishman cried out, pay us our money. As she went to her lodgings, they plucked off her slippers and made in the street a fire of old shoes and slippers and cried out, this is a banquet for this sovereign lady. So, okay.

As far as making a point, there's much better ways to do it than stealing slippers and then deciding you're making an homage shoe fire. Yeah, I mean, look, it's weird. Yeah, I mean, because at the end of the day, you're burning your shoes. That's right. And you need those. You do need those. She doesn't need your slippers.

I think they took her shoes and burned them. Yeah, but they also weren't, were they taking other shoes too or was just hers? Well, let's just say a fire of old shoes and slippers. Yeah, so what happened was they took her slippers and they were like, well, these will burn out quick. You know, we need our shoes and slippers. That'll show her we'll all die from cold. Yeah, look, it's not a great...

No, it's not a plan. It's not a great plan. It's not a plan. It's not a plan. On March 19th, she wrote to Elizabeth asking for help getting out of debt. And she asked Elizabeth to punish a specific creditor who had spread a rumor that Cecilia was going to leave England like her husband without paying their debts. Well, I mean, obviously that's happening, right?

Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't say that if you weren't going to do it. Yeah, but it's weird to Irish exit the royal family. She didn't even say goodbye. Go on. Did you say Irish exit? Yeah. So we leave without saying goodbye when you're too drunk.

And by the way... You don't know that? I do now. That's the best. That's how you do it. That's me at every wedding. Every wedding, I'm like, all right, I'm out of here. They fucking go.

You just wake up to nine texts the next morning? It's just a little racist. Oh, you... Against my people. You... Would a potato help? Wow. Why don't you guys commit another genocide against us?

Quote. We're doing it economically. Quote. He has not only roused us against... Well, let's start over. He has not only roused against us others to whom we have pledged our faith for the payment of our debts, but has also sold at our good name,

which we have always kept spotless. This is the creditor? No, this is her writing to Queen Elizabeth. But about the creditor? Yeah. Yeah, right, okay. We trust the rumor monger... So I mean, the delusion is off the chart.

Oh, my God, it is just... It's just like even a fake scientist would be like, I've never seen readings like this before. We trust the rumor monger will not go unpunished lest our own condition appear to be the same as that of a common person. Was she like, I gave you a million dollars five months ago? Yeah.

What? I think it's a little crazy. Elizabeth gave Cecilia 3,500 pounds. So another... 1.75 million. Fuck. But this was not close to enough. What?

Sell a goddamn chest. One of them. As Cecilia slid even more into debt, Elizabeth became more distant. In late March, Cecilia found out she was pregnant. Christopher had not gotten any money and decided to come to England, quote, disguised as a mean man with his beard cut.

One more time that last part. He just... What is his disguise? Disguised as a mean man with his beard cut. A mean man with no beard? That's what it says. He decided that no beard is the evil look? Yeah.

That's right. And his plan was to sneak her out of England. What he needs is one of those. He needs... If he had a must, that's how you show up at people like, well, this dude's out of his mind. On April 3rd, as he entered London, he was recognized by a creditor.

Authorities tried... So literally his disguise was he shaved his beard. That's right. Authorities tried to arrest him, but he held them off, quote, and keeping daggers and other weapons defensively about him. But after a brief fight, he was arrested and jailed. Christopher claimed diplomatic immunity

and was then released. What? How... Is there a court system? Is there any fucking rules for rich people at all? No, and they're never will-day. So he returned to Bodden without even seeing Cecilia. The damage to his reputation was done.

The next day... Good plan, though. Yeah. Going in without a beard. Aren't you? Uh... Oh, shit. Doesn't he have a beard?

The next day, seven manual laborers wrote a complaint to the Queen's Privy Council, saying they were owed, according to Nathan Martin, quote, diverse sums of money, which long before this time should have been paid by the princess.

They wrote, quote, emphasizing the fact that being a foreign princess, she could leave the country at will to escape her debts. Cecilia wrote a rebuttal and denied all accusations. Quote, those who dare to write such things

against so great a princess deserve rather a punishment than a reply. Dude, Trump Tweet... Trump Tweet. Yeah. Yeah. Cecilia pushed the Privy Council to arrest the creditors.

I mean, I shouldn't have said that, because this is... Quote, it is your duty to see that so great a princess has no cause for complaint against her majesty's subjects. Her highness leaves it to you to proclaim publicly their offense and punish accordingly.

Wow. Hashtag goofy feet. Cecilia's complaints, quote, hinged on the idea that her name had been damaged by common tradesmen who had no right because of their status to criticize her or even get payment from her.

So as a result, the English... all the English attitudes turned against Cecilia. They now saw her as an arrogant, spoiled princess. Now. Yeah, what? I mean...

14 chests of rubies, sounding an alarm bell. For the next three weeks, Cecilia pawned most of her jewelry in Wardrobe. On April 27th, 1566, she and her assistants headed for a ship. Uh-oh.

She still owed 15,000 pounds. Jesus Christ. So, I mean, what, 10 million? More than 10 million. Yeah. That's how good I am at math. Everyone here is like,

that was so off, it's crazy. 2,000 is... A million? Okay. So, like, 7.5 million? There's my boy. And a guy in the human calculator for nothing, Dave.

She gave some vague promise to Ropé. In Dover, Cecilia wrote a letter to Elizabeth thanking her for being so great. Yeah, I mean, of course, yeah. Thank you for all the money. It's really crazy.

But as they boarded the ship, Cecilia was stopped by agents working for two creditors. All of her property was confiscated. Even her assistance luggage was seized. That's, man, yeah. What the fuck? Leave the assistance alone.

Yeah, I mean, she didn't do anything. Cecilia arrived in Baden months later. There she had a second child, Christopher Gustav. He was, quote, born handicapped for which she blamed her creditors for the rest of her life. Well, there we go.

The scientist was like, it's medically possible. Cecilia now lived in Baden, raising her children with Christopher. In Sweden, King Eric was getting more paranoid. He had a lot of... It's nice to have an Eric chicken.

Yeah. And by the way, Eric's losing his mind. Anyway, Eric had a lot of illegitimate children at this point, but no actual heirs. By the way,

nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares. Yeah. Right. He was, he was worried rivals would try to take his throne.

Then an astrologer... Oh, man, this... Never good. Never good. When people in charge get astrologers, astrologers get rich, the rich get crazy. Astrologer said he would be usurped by,

quote, a light-haired man. Yes. Yes, a man with light hair. He'll do it to me. Yeah, somewhere in Sweden there's a light-haired man.

We've got to find him! We've narrowed it down to 2.9 million suspects. We'll go through them one by one. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Eric just decided that this was a nobleman named Nils Stiras.

Oh, he just decided Nils did it? Yeah. He's like, well, that's got to be the guy. I'm sorry. What do you think? You know what you did. You dirty son of a bitch.

The stars told me through him. Eric had Nils arrested and tortured. Oh, my God. Nils was like, well, I'm sorry. In June 1566, Nils was forced to ride

through Stockholm on an old horse wearing a crown of straw as his wounds bled. Jesus. Well, the last part's bad. Until then, it was fine. He was then sentenced to death.

Jesus Christ. In January 1567, Eric had Nils' brother, Svante, arrested. This time for... What? His dad.

Oh, it says brother. All right, thank you. Sometimes it's hard. Just blaming on auto-correct. Yeah, auto-correct. Your auto-correct changes dad to brother a lot. It's a glitch.

It's pages. So he had, I guess his dad arrested. By the way, that's even crazier. I know. I mean, brother makes no sense. Dad is like,

what did I do? He just killed my kid. What? This time, he had him arrested for trying to sabotage his marriage plans. So he thinks that...

So he's just totally out of his mind. Yeah. Svante was imprisoned beside his brother Nils at Uppsala Castle. All right. Nils just consents, but he's not dead yet.

His son. Eric forced Svante... Is that a normal name? Do people have that name? Svante? Is that like a common name? Am I saying it right? Well, you're all yelling weird things.

But, Dave, can we just say the difference between politeness? They were all like, oh, he's fucking it up. Yeah. And the stage's like, dumb shit!

Hey, dumbass! Everyone patiently like, let him continue to butcher. He's butchering so much I might get money from him. Oh, my God. Yeah. Six to one.

Thank you. Good update. If we were in Australia, they would have come up on stage and stab me to death. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So,

Eric forced him to sign a document admitting he was guilty. And five months later, Eric had a third Stira, I guess, brother this time, arrested and imprisoned. So, he just has it in for the,

the astrologer has just pinned this family as they're going to take his power. The astrologer didn't narrow it down. He did. He's just acting like these guys are doing it. So, basically, the whole family is put in jail

and four other guys were plotting his murder. Which he has no evidence of, other than the things he forced people to sign. That's right. Right. On May 24th,

Eric visited Cervantes. Cervantes? Yeah. So, Eric got on his knees and begged Svante for forgiveness. What?

What's going on? He, Eric admitted he had done Svante wrong and promised him, quote, on his knees, the king begged forgiveness admitting that he had done him wrong and promised to make things right.

What has changed? Eric then left the castle. What? He came back a few hours later in a manic state and stabbed Nils to death. Really, for a minute, I was like,

this is so refreshing. This doesn't happen. He just don't Jerry McGuire the throne. But then he comes back. I mean, I mean, he sounds like he's on cocaine. Dave, he sounds like he's on something

we don't have anymore. Like, he's on bath salts. That's what it sounds like. He's like, you guys, I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm really sorry. When he comes back,

I mean, you're probably like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? He then went to Svante's cell, quote, announcing to him on his knees that now he had to kill him as he could not expect

Svante to forgive him. That's fair. It's fair. I mean, think about it. He's actually right. No, I will forgive you. No. You couldn't possibly,

you wouldn't, you shouldn't. I have to kill you for your own safety. Eric ordered his guards to kill everyone except Sten and left. But to,

what? Steam. Steam? Steam? Really? Yeah. Sweet, Swedish is my native language.

And then he left. But two of the six inmates were named Steen. Is there anywhere else you want a podcast from life? So the guards spared both of them. Weird. A turn.

Wow. Now Svante and two inmates were killed. Outside the castle, Eric ran into his tutor who, quote, was the king in a state of madness. His efforts to calm Eric

were to no avail. Instead, the king issued an order to kill his tutor, and then... What? Eric is the fucking best. No, he's not.

He's amazing. No. He's fucking amazing. By the way, you're the tutor. I mean, you are like, if I left two minutes later, I would have never seen him.

I would have... Oh, God. And then Eric ran off into a nearby forest. Dave. Is this a day? Is this one day? It's like in five minutes.

This is all... His guards then stabbed the tutor to death. Jesus Christ. What? Three days later, Eric was found in a nearby village

dressed as a peasant. Hello. I'm the king. He was brought... I'm the king for a light-haired man. He's trying to kill me. And I'm hiring a tutor. I need a new one.

My and his dad. I had him killed. He was brought back to Stockholm, and he remained in, quote, a state of madness for half a year. But in late 1567, he retook the throne.

In February... I can see why you don't like kings. They're not great. Yeah. In America, we have elections that matter. It's different. Yeah.

We're so much better off. We count the votes. In February 1568, he stabbed his secretary to death with a fire iron after the secretary made a derogatory comment about one of his friends.

You know, I don't like chat that much. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Yes. He's in the forest again. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Another good day, Eric. Another good day. Bring me my tutor. Imagine interviewing to be the next tutor. And what happened to the last guy?

Here's what I'll say. Don't bump into him. That follows some Swedish nobles broke Johann out of jail and led a rebellion. Eric was deposed and imprisoned. Johan was now the king. Okay.

In Baden, Cecilia... What? Yes. Okay, this is now becoming like a town hall. I don't know what's happening. It's not so much a one-on-one. In Baden, Cecilia and Christopher had three more sons. One died within a year of birth.

In 1571, they moved to Sweden with their five sons. Word reached Britain where one of their creditors set sail to Sweden. Oh, that guy. It's the butcher. He's just got a deli slicer. Half a pound of Eric. One of the creditors set sail to Sweden with a fleet of 50 ships. Well, someone's not messing around. 50 ships.

But when he arrived, Johan immediately had him arrested for theft. I didn't think about that part, so... Anyway, we tried. See you later, guys. Have a good voyage back. This was the creditor who had seized Cecilia's property as she left over five years earlier. Wait, say that again? So he had the guy arrested for theft because he was the same guy who had seized her stuff at the dock. Oh, okay, right. How dare he? So rude to do that.

And then Johan confiscated the 50 ships. Well, this guy's plan had, like, a step one. And then nothing else. That's a really bad plan. Step one. We get there. Then what? Figured out. Figured out. We're going to war with Sweden. Potentially.

Or we'll just give him everything. It's not. That should... One or the other. It will be nothing else. He also sentenced the creditor five years in prison. Good. Then in late 1571, Johan granted him the credit. In late 1571, Johan granted the small city of Arboga to Cecilia. Arboga? Arboga. Yeah, you got to roll the Rs. It's like an Arboga.

I don't think you need to tell them what they need to do in their language. You guys roll your Rs. Yeah, that's a better way. So he granted the city of Arboga to Cecilia and Christopher as their personal fiefdom. Okay. In exchange, Christopher would provide mercenaries from Baden to help with the war against Russia. Okay. I guess they're at war with Russia.

Sure. Whatever. Anyway, it's just a footnote. Christopher went to Baden to get the mercenaries, and Cecilia had a sixth son. Jesus Christ. She now had the authority to manage Arboga... An NBA team. Arboga. Oh, sorry. Yes, an NBA team.

The trade policy and legal system in exchange for making sure that royal laws were respected. She earned income from mining, farming, and the town ironworks. And Cecilia became a pirate. You feel like this story didn't have enough? She's a pirate? Just how you become a scientist, how you become a pirate? I'm one now. Well, John gave her the 50 ships.

By the way, again, more bullshit. Earn it. You're gonna be a pirate. Swab the deck for a couple years, right? Learn how to manage a crew. She gave her license to be a privateer, and she would attack Russian supply ships. Okay. She also targeted Russia's allies, including England.

What? I mean, she went full pirate. In 1573, Christopher sent the mercenaries, but he stayed home and was made Margrave of Roadmack. Sure. A part of Batten. Okay. In 1574, Cecilia's pirate license expired, but... Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? You better have said pilot. Pirate. What? Is that her pirate light? Like, doesn't that throw... What? Aren't you... You're a pirate, aren't you?

Like, no laws matter. Oh, no. This expired. I should have sent in the thing. I didn't send in the thing. Can I see your pirate license, please? Officer, look, I'm not gonna BS you. It's expired.

I, uh... Well, you're not a pirate. You're just a lady. I know. I'm... So sorry. I was a pirate three weeks ago. I swear to God.

I'm gonna go back, take the test again. I know all this stuff. Booty's not an ass. A peg leg. Pirate. I know all this stuff. Uh, so... Countries would give people licenses to attack other ships about the countries.

Sure. It's a privateer, but it's also called a pirate at the same time. But it's also weird to... Like, okay, if that's the deal, then how about it doesn't expire until the war is done? Instead of being like, we're halfway through. You gotta come back. We need you to take the road test. Well, because you need...

Because you need the funds for the... You know, it's like $2,000 to get a pirate license. Yeah. Or, like, a handful from a chest. Uh, so her pirate license expired, but she still kept being a pirate. Yeah, of course. And then she started attacking ally ships, including Denmark, who's now a fucking ally all of a sudden.

Jesus Christ. Not anymore. Uh, and this led to tension with Sweden. Yeah. Then her fleet was attacked by Danish ships. Fuck those guys. Like, they're mad... They're mad at Denmark again.

During all this, she was abusing her power in Arborica. She unjustly raised tariffs and confiscated goods, claiming they violated regulations. She illegally imported grain without a permit and engaged in weapons smuggling. What is going on with her? Did she, like, hit her head? She's scar-faced now. Yeah, what has happened to her? What has happened?

Uh, like, for a while in this story at the beginning, I was like, I like this, Lee. Uh, but in late 1574, Johann had her arrested and brought to Stockholm. Cecilia claimed diplomatic immunity as... I-I can't stay mad at her. She's too great. Uh, she claimed diplomatic immunity as the Countess of Roadmatter. Okay.

Johann was not having it. He withdrew her fiefdom rights to Arborica and barred her from all royal castles. She was then released and she went back to Arborica, where she immediately reclaimed her fiefdom and started pirating again. So she can just literally do whatever she wants. Yeah, it seems like it. Yeah, in 1575, Christopher died. Uh, their first son, Edward, was in line to be Margrave of Roadmack,

but he was only 10 years old. Oh, my lord. Uh, he wasn't allowed to hold a position until he was 16. Sure, right. So in that case, Cecilia was supposed to take over as Margrave until Edward was 16. Wow, this is gonna be a six-year ride. But her Catholic in-laws did not like the idea of a Protestant running the show and instead put Christopher's nephew in charge.

Okay. Cecilia was now worried her Protestant son would never be allowed to take over, so she and Edward became Catholics. Okay, sure. I mean, at least that's consistent. The foolishness of religion. Alright, we believe in that version, whatever. Yeah, no, you didn't do it or whatever.

Uh, Eric died in prison. In 1578, a new Spanish ambassador to Sweden, Francisco... I mean, we really just rushed past what happened to Eric. I don't mean to... Yeah, well, you know, he was just in prison the whole time, so... I'm sure he was... Just going batshit. Yeah, I'm sure he was doing great stuff.

Eat some of this pizza. That's dirt, sir. You're the one that prophesied on me. Aren't you? Uh, in 1578, a new Spanish ambassador to Sweden, Francisco de Arosa, arrived. Johann and Francisco negotiated an alliance between Spain and Sweden. Since Spain was Catholic and Sweden was Protestant, Johann asked, uh, now Catholic Cecilia, for help.

It's so crazy. None of it makes sense. No. It's like three-part Monty of God. She invited Francisco to Arborga for a meeting where she started her own negotiations with him. Interesting. She requested to be made governor of Luxembourg and in...

Honest to God. Like, who's generating these ideas? Where are they coming from? A machine? They can't come from a human mind. And in return would let her ships be used by Spain in their war with Holland. Okay. Francisco agreed.

What? And when he went back to Stockholm, he stopped negotiations with Johann. And then when Johann heard that Cecilia's ships were being used by Spain, he put Francisco under house arrest and banned Cecilia from Stockholm. This guy, he's like, I don't want to do business with you anymore. Uh, Johann then ordered his ships to attack Cecilia's pirate fleet. Okay. During the night of June 17th, 1579, Cecilia bribed her way through the Stockholm city walls

to try to meet with Francisco. But the guards set off alarms. The gates of Stockholm castle were closed. Cecilia was chased into alleys and caught. She was brought to Johann, but he didn't punish her. The guards she bribed to get into Stockholm, however, were executed. Now wait a minute. You have premarital sex, horrible, beaten,

hair ripped out, and you end up negotiating with ships that really aren't yours as a pirate to become the governor of Luxembourg behind Johann's back. Nothing. That's right. That's correct. Copy that. Cecilia then returned to Baden with Edward a few months later, Johann released Francisco. He stopped in Baden on his way back to Spain.

Don't do that. Nine months later, Cecilia had a girl. And Dave, as the human calculator, I'm going to need a minute. Nine months after the immaculate conception. Yes, right. Jesus Christ put a baby in Cecilia. By the way, I don't know if that's what the pitch is on immaculate conception. It means Jesus fucked me.

No, he's your baby, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary. He's been inside me. Okay, let's not. Well, we're cutting off his balls. Boy, that's... That part of the Bible is weird. 15-year-old Edward, he's now 15, wanted to avoid a scandal that could hurt his chances to be Marguerite of Roadmax. So he put his new half-sister in a convent.

Want to walk me through that? I'm a little confused myself. Wait. Okay. So, he's... This is great. It's like you're me. Finally.

I do. Fuck, I don't remember this part. You want me to read it to you? No. Yeah, I'll reverse it all up. So, Christopher's family is livid about the illegitimate child that came just four years after the death of their son. I guess she can't fuck after four years.

What the fuck is happening? Yeah. And Johan would not let Cecilia back into Sweden. Cecilia and Edward stayed in Baden, living off money she got from her Arboga. I don't know how she still has control of that, but she does. Well, it sounds like she just went down there and was like, I'm doing it now. And I was like, okay.

In 1585, Johan went to marry a woman of minor Swedish nobility. But she had never met him and was already engaged. So she refused the proposal. Wait, what? I don't mean to flag everything, but what? What does that mean? He just went there and he was like, marry me. Yeah.

He's like, I'm engaged. He's like, well, this was foolhardy. How are you? I'm Johan. Well, Johan then lost his shit and slapped her in the face with his glove. What, he dual slapped her? That actually happened? Yeah.

Wow. Yes. Her family was forced to retract her refusal. She broke off her engagement and married Johan. Wow. What a great, what a great marriage that must have been. So much love. Love, love too.

Cecilia heard about this and made her opposition to the wedding known. So Johan now seized Arboga. He fucking, after that. That is when he, because she said, I don't like the fact that you're forced marrying a lady. His laws make no sense. So now she has no income. So she starts borrowing money. Poor butchers.

Cecilia quickly got deep into debt. She couldn't support her younger sons and sent them to a school in Rome. Then in 1588, suddenly the Margrave of Roadmark was tossed out by Christopher's family and Edward was installed. So now she's back in. Edward then united Roadmark with the Margrave of Bodden and became Bodden Bodden. I just looked at it, the maps, the whole thing is fucked. It made me very upset. But consider it like New York, New York.

It's up to you, Bodden. Cecilia became one of his top diplomats. In 1590s... That by the way, I'm a little wary of the hire. In 1590, Cecilia's son Carl died of unknown causes at 21. In 1590... He choked on money. In 1593, Edward married a local non-noble woman and Bodden's leaders wanted a strategic marriage.

They didn't like he was wasting money on expensive trips also. So Protestants in the Bodden dynasty started to gain power. In 1594, the Protestants installed their own Margrave in Bodden Bodden. And Edward was now only in charge of Roadmark. For who knows? Yeah, it's hard. Cecilia then went to Rome and appealed to the Pope as a fellow Catholic. She's very Catholic.

I mean, a meeting with the Pope. Yeah. You know, or whatever you guys believe. The point is, I mean, what we believe, the point is, I need something. Because she wanted the Pope to help her retake Bodden. The Pope was like, I don't know if you know what my deal is. Well, the Pope then asked Spain for help doing this, but the Spanish did nothing. Cecilia kept working as a diplomat for Roadmark, a meeting with the most powerful people in Europe.

She served as Roadmark's representative at the assembly of the Holy Roman Empire. I know, I didn't know the Holy Roman Empire was still kicking it, but they were... It's the whole thing. I mean, in 1599... We're plotting a comeback. Act two. In 1599, Cecilia's son, Johann, died in battle at 27. He was a knight's hospital.

Then in 1600, Edward died at 35 when he was drunk and fell down a stone staircase. That's how I want to go. Yeah, that's how I almost went last night. You guys, you used that garbage bag as a parachute, otherwise you'd have been gone. His brother, Philip, then took over Roadmark and tried to retake bottom-bottom, but he failed. Okay. Christopher's family took him prisoner and made one of Christopher's nephews the Margrave of Roadmark. Okay.

Cecilia lived on an estate in Roadmark but had absolutely no power. She was given a modest pension, but still took out loans that she struggled to pay back. Who gives her money? Who's giving her? I know. Who is left? Just butchers. Yeah, I mean, honestly, like, what is she doing?

What happened to all the rubies? Fuck, I don't know. I mean, she was making tons of money, so she was spending it all. I still can't... I know. Her son, Christopher, died at 43 in 1609. Now, her only son left was Philip, who was in prison. In 1610, angry creditors in Luxembourg saw Cecilia in a carriage and chased her.

Just when they were about to overtake her, she jumped from the carriage and ran across a field to Luxembourg's border with Lorraine. Oh. What? She illegally crossed the border and the creditors did not follow her. I love that. I love that. That's our Canadian plan, by the way. We're just gonna border run.

I mean, it's just great when you're treating like this like a game of tag. It's like, no, she's on ghoul. Damn it. If there wasn't that invisible line. That's a good question. 109. Well, she's around. She's in her 70s now, yeah.

It's quite a run. Yeah, so if it's 16... Seven? I mean, Jesus, God. If it's 1610, she... Yeah, she's exactly 70. Fuck, she's like Mick Jagger out there. Yeah, you...

Honestly. If you're a creditor and you can't catch a 70-year-old woman jogging to a border, you don't deserve your money back. Uh... So... So the... So Cecilia continued to struggle with heavy debt for years. In early 16...

No shit. In early 1618, her estate was seized by creditors. A few months later, the Thirty Years' War started, and Edward's son, Cecilia's grandson, seized control of all of Bodden, including Roadmack, Bodden-Bodden, and the other margravades of what the fuck. So...

Cecilia is now 77 years old, and she got her estate back in Roadmack. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. In 1620... I'm a pirate! I'm batting to the bone! In 1620, Phillip died at the age of 53.

Cecilia outlived all of her sons. Jesus. The daughter she'd been forced to place in a convent was still alive. She had become a nun. Yeah. In 16... Yeah, what else is going to happen there? It's a symptom of what you've done.

In 1622, Cecilia briefly reunited with her now 43-year-old daughter, who she hadn't seen since birth. Wow. Cecilia lived in her Roadmack estate, where she spent her last years in comfort. In 1627, she traveled to Brussels for medical treatment, and on January 27th, died in Brussels at the age of 86. Which, for back then, is fucking crazy.

It's just crazy. Her body was buried under a church in Roadmack where it still lies today. And she still robs. And she still robs. Her grandson, William, remained the Margrave of Baden for another 50 years until his death. William had at least 19 children, whose descendants... whose descendants went on to become major European royals,

including the Czar's, Alexander I, and Nicholas I of Russia, Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany. Wow. Now you know where the crazy came from. Wow. The fucking Kaiser Wilhelm. Oh, my God. And the current kings of Holland and Spain.

Wow. Jesus Christ. Perfect. I mean, that's why you go in 19. Yeah, right? In 1953, 12 generations and more than four centuries after Cecilia's death, one of her direct descendants became the United Kingdom's second Queen Elizabeth. That's...

Wait. Dave. Dave. Dave. Well, well, welly-well. Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Yeah.

Yeah. This is a way interesting ending, huh? And I feel like it is the ending, which is a problem. I'd love to hear more. That's it. That's it. I want to thank Researcher Jeremy Trevor and then some of the books I've already named

with a narrative of the journey of Cecilia, Princess of Sweden, to the court of Queen Elizabeth by James Bell, Princess Cecilia's visitation to England, 1565 to 1566 by Nathan Martin, Princess Cecilia Vasa and the Queen Elizabeth of England by Ian Keller, and Queen Elizabeth and a Swedish princess by Ethel Seaton. Jesus Christ.