The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 41 - Bad Ass Samuel Whittemore - Smollop

Episode Date: December 17, 2014

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Samuel Whittemore.SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Welcome to the dollop a historical podcast each week I Dave Anthony tell my friend Gareth Reynolds a story from

history. And I have no idea what the topic is. No you don't. I guess I went up a little bit but it's that's all right. You said my name it's so nice to hear you say Gareth. Gaaayy! Where are you Reynolds? Yeah. Do you want to look who to do? I'll do one bottle. People say this is funny. Not Gary Gareth. Dave okay. Someone or something is tickling people. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to tickle you quite good. Okay. You are Queen Fakie of made-up town. All hail Queen Shit of Liesville. A bunch of religious virgins go to mingle and do my frame. Oh hi Gary. No. He's done my friend. No. No. The year was 1696. Interesting little time huh all right. Samuel Whitmore was

born in Charleston, Massachusetts. Massachusetts. Massachusetts. All righty. It is amazing that anyone survived from what we know about the world back then. Well I will agree with that yeah. So already he's amazing. Yep. He's alive in this time. But there's not much to talk about until he's 50. At that point he served as a private in Colonel Jeremiah Moulton's Third Massachusetts Regiment where he fought in King George's War in 1744 to 1748. Okay. He served as a captain in his majesty's dragoons. A unit of elite British cavalrymen much feared across the globe for their fierce fighting abilities. Okay. That was a war against the

French and American Indians. King George's War. Yep. I started to read about it and then I kind of gave up on it because it involved just a lot of fucking countries and people and I got confused and I don't have that kind of time for a small up. So King George's War the Austrians were involved. Good. The Austrians. Good. Fighting the French in Canada during the War of Austrian Succession. Right. Yeah. Right. You want to read more? No. I continue. My interests are peaked. Don't stop. Whitmore was a part of the British contingent that assaulted the frozen shores of Nova Scotia and clobbered the

French at their stronghold of Louisbourg in 1745. He was a cavalry officer and went into battle galloping at the head of a company and emerged from the flames and smoke and ruins of a Louisbourg holding of Louisbourg holding a gaudy and over decorated long sword he had taken from the lifeless hands of a French officer. Jesus. Who had in Whitmore's words quote died suddenly. Right. Yeah. That's all he said. Well you know that'll happen when someone's taking your sword. He then spent a brief period on board a ship that was hunting for a pirate. Well that's just a great thing. That's just a good. Yeah. That's a

resident. That's something you put on the high high part of the also is something that you find when you with a lot of guys that you're looking through history. Any guy who was like fighting there's always a sense it goes and he was he was looking for pirates. He was also part time pirate hunting because they were idiots. Britain returned Louisbourg to the French who spent years in a fortune rebuilding and rearming the fortifications. Then in 1758 the British decided to retake and forever demolish Louisbourg during the Seven Years War. Okay. Which in the colonies was called the French Indian War because

it was against French and the Indians. Also it was a nine-year war so they didn't want to call it a seven anyway. We've gotten better at naming them at least. We were better at maps. We called it a different name. We don't acknowledge those two years. Can we call the Seven Years War? Well it was nine years. No it's just it's a seven-year war. Okay. I hate Americans. We figure it's seven. Whitmore was always ready to drop his farming tools, pick up his weapons, and march off to battle. So he returns to Louisbourg and ruthlessly crushes the French once again. Just for shits and gays? Yeah and they're like let's go

fucking do it again. So they go up there they do it again. Serving under the command British commander James Wolfe Whitmore once again ruined the French and stole everything he'd get his hands on. He served valiantly pounding the city into rubble a second time in a bloodbath that would mark the beginning of the end for France's Atlantic colonies. Quebec would fall shortly after and the French would be chased out of Canada forever. Whitmore remained with the with the wrecking crew which I love. He just hung around watching the city get totally leveled. So he's 64. Holy shit. He's 64 at this point and the average

deathback then is like yeah what is it? 3? 3 or 4? I don't know. Oh he's an old man. How old is he? 4? He's 4. He's 4. He lived a good life. He lived a good life. I mean I'm 3 so my back hurts. Oh I'm getting up there. We're gonna have to bury him. 3? Don't think I can take it. Lost all my teeth. A year later Sam marched to Oregon this time winding up in Quebec where he fought for General James Wolfe against French General Louis-Joseph Marquis de Montcombe. Fuck that guy for having a long time. In 1763 Ottawa chief Pontiac, there we go, we got to name a car after. Yes the firebird. Led an uprising in the wild distant lands that

would one day become Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Whitmore was then 68. So what the fuck? Still looking for action. He's like dude like to fight. Jack LaLaine. Are you gonna retire? Fuck no. Fuck no. Retire is gonna me. Let's go. What is he doing? Fuck you very kindly. Move man move. What the fuck was I just talking about? Who are we fighting? Gimme a gun or shoot? That's it. I'll fight you. I'll fight the next guy who doesn't tell me who we're not fighting. Hold on I shit my pants. Don't worry. The get off my lawn war. He's just spitting out teeth Adam. There's another one. Fuck yourself. His sons and grandchildren were ordered to stay at home and work on

the farm with his crazy decorated French sword and other weapons. Ridmore rode away on a rickety horse. He returned in triumph months later on one of the best stallions ever seen. Okay. And carrying a matched pair of ornate dueling pistols. Jesus Christ. He goes to war and he just gets a bunch of shit and he comes back. Alright we'll see you later. What's up? I'm 70 now. Look at this shit I got. Look at this horse. And the cannon no less. My god where were you? I don't even remember. I don't remember shit. I got a laser. What's a laser? I'm time traveled. Here's my friend a dinosaur. I'm 81. The former owner of the dueling

pistols an enemy officer had quote died suddenly according to this thing. Keeps happening. He's happening. Every time a guy has nice stuff. You know that's it. He dies around me. After serving in three American wars before America was even a country Whitmore decided to settle down in Massachusetts. So over his life he married two different women had eight kids and build a house. Who knows how many grandkids he had. You have eight kids. He got it back then. Yeah. Yeah. One keeps fucking. Yeah. We're all related to him. Whitmore proved to be just as aggressive in private life as in war. I'm excited by that sentence. During a heated election

contest in January 1741 he loudly declared that one of the contestants for public office the proud Colonel Roderick Shipley Vassal was no more fit for the office than Sam's elderly horse Nero whose value he assessed at less than five pounds. Nero. You are as worthy as my horse Nero who's worth five bucks. Go fuck yourself. It's not enough to say that he's a fucking as shitty as a horse. You're a bad horse. Yes. You're a horse that's worth nothing. You're not a good horse. The infuriated Colonel promptly but illegally had Whitmore jail. That I love. That's amazing. And you're in jail for what? You said bad things. You should not talk to

me like that. Well Sam was fuming in his cell. Vassal sued him for defamation of character. The ensuing trial was a heated and well attended one. Right. Yeah. I was selling tickets. Yeah. Let's hear Sammy. Yeah. Yeah. Whitmore who made an admirable witness for himself won his case. Well I said it because you're a cunt. So is that a legal word? Yes. We the jury agree he's a cunt. There you go. Whitmore promptly sued the arrogant Colonel for false arrest after another sterling performance the court gave Whitmore the equivalent of six thousand dollars. Oh great. Jesus. He called he said a guy was as good as a shitty horse

and then he ended up getting six grand. Which is a lot of horses. Which is the best story ever. Yeah. Yeah. If it ended there. Oh no. All of this was before Samuel Whitmore became a national hero. OK. He became famous on a midday in April 1775. The British colonies were tired of King George and decided to go their own way. Samuel decided to fight on the side of the colonies. On April 19th 1775 approximately 1800 British troops marched from Boston to Concord to capture a reported store of colonial munitions. At Lexington Green they were confronted by about 50 militiamen who carried a variety of weapons

some decades old some manufactured by a village blacksmiths and gunsmiths but all in working order and capable of killing. When ordered to disperse the minute men said no no we're good and and firing began that resulted in eight Americans killed. The the rest left the scene as ordered by the officers and the British then reformed their ranks and continued marching to Concord. So the British won that one. On the arrival in Concord where alerted citizens watched their every move the British troops searched for but did not locate any of the munitions which were cleverly hidden. Learning that the minute men were

swarming toward them from as far away as Worchester and realizing that the munitions were too well hidden to be found without a lengthy search the British began an orderly retreat toward Boston. Now this was not easy because the colonialists weren't fighting fair and the British were walking around in bright red coats which by the way just as you can see from Garrus reaction still makes Americans laugh and we'll always make us laugh well the end of our kind just walking around in bright red coats yeah wear it more wear it more and this guy's in the trees like okay excuse me shoot from the forest right

now you're all wearing different things what are you going for what's the ensemble rags of some shit would you like to talk to our tailor you need some proper war clothes so they were constantly harassed by militiamen hiding in the trees and shooting I thought she's the worst harasser of all it was one captain Sanyo Whitmore here we fucking go now how old okay he's 80 he's a crazy so he's 250 in today's world yes he's like he's like Clint Eastwood in the shitty movie about racism and that El Camino he's crazy all that's all 80 80 like ready to fight I'm ready to fuck people up when the red coats came

marching back through his hometown of men otony men otony sure Whitmore was working in his field he knew nothing of the British invasion and the deaths at Lexington oh my god but he spotted an approaching British relief parade led by Earl Percy Whitmore decided he was gonna do something about it oh my god he doesn't even know yeah he doesn't know that they've invaded that there's a war on but he sees them marching he's like well fuck this shit like somebody can come up to him after this probably and be like well we're even with him now and he's probably like who were they what what do you mean oh they did oh shit did I

started war was one already going they one was already gone okay good I didn't even realize they killed yeah yeah no I knew no I knew about it no I knew about it oh fuck Whitmore all alone positioned himself behind a stone wall waited in ambush and then single-handedly engaged the entire British 47th regiment of foot with nothing more than his musket well he had a couple of things he fired off his musket at point blank range ending one red coat gentlemen right on the spot but muskets take 20 seconds to yeah right so you get a one-time deal and he took care of that guy yeah so he quickly drew his twin dueling pistols

and which again he was left in an inheritance and he removed some poor bastard who died he shot two more red coats killing one grenadier and mortally wounding a second okay okay so he's three guys so far he's just killed three guys ten seconds he's killed three guys and his reasoning is just they were there they were walking a little aggressively for my liking well if these guys are marching here they got to be a war yeah for sure a British detachment charged and that's when Whitmore pulled out his French sword shut the fuck up and he's 80 let's get down to business let's get down to

business okay don't change the thing let's get down to business he's 80 you've been Whitmore it's 80 the 80-year-old man stood his ground in hand-to-hand combat against a couple dozen trained soldiers what all of whom who could have been his grandchildren you run if you see this a crazy old man with this crazy old men are terrifying yes put that out there the crazy old man in your neighborhood is always much scarier than the young guy for sure just fucking scarier but here's where I would run like yeah a crazy old guy shooting people that probably happens every day in this country yes a crazy old guy defeating

people with a sword that's where you're like oh oh boy not end well well I mean I would hope it doesn't end well but it had it's begun crazy Whitmore was shot in the face well okay knocked down and bayonet 13 times which by the way back then bullets were like monstrous so when you got you see you got shot in the face it's like being shot with a doorknob like they're fucking crazy it's not like a little bullet no it's like a fucking slug it's like leg yeah so I got shot in the face so you are so it's like shooting hurt more getting shot bigger holes hurt more unless you get shot by an exploding bullet one of those

things well those yeah so he was credited with three kills on the day the Brits left him for dead bleeding all of the road and marched off I like that you say left him for dead the entire way they had to the entire way they had to fight with his fellow militiamen well and their entire March they just keep getting shot from the fucking bushes and they don't get off the road and they keep marching in their little square they don't change their fucking clothes when his friends rushed out of their homes to check on his body they found a half dead old man still trying to reload his weapon and seek vengeance oh god sitting in a

boat no put the gun down I'm gonna get those no no I'm gonna get those if I could just get a couple more boats and I just hey tell them they forgot something to get a pack of a set of bitches get this set of bitches Whitmore was taken to Dr. Cotton Tufts okay so you have at it you wanted what do you want me to do how do you want to do it you can have that one okay what the fuck and he's a doctor he was taking to Dr. Pillows bed you know what you probably need is some tough cotton in there Jesus Christ that's all you say he's dying maybe a little cotton in there we had a son what should we name him cotton what cotton

what hello I'm Dr. Cotton Tufts okay all right get the giggles out I get it I get it cotton I get no I got it I heard it no it's not pillow beds and this is my partner will aggressive so he was taking to Dr. Cotton Tufts of Medford who took a look at him and said well this guy's fucked he's dead this guy's dead medically speaking he's fucked roll him out in the backyard it's over Whitmore disagreed Samuel Whitmore didn't die he ended up surviving the entire war what finally dying in 1793 at the age of 96 shut the fuck up you know what he died

of I being tremendous yeah God wanting to meet him the first guy to die of being awesome he he lived after that he got shot in the face he got bayoneted 13 times 13 times it's yeah he's 80 that's a guy now at 80 die from falling over oh yeah all the time oh I'm at number one death of old people honest God if a man got stabbed if a man was 80 years old and was stabbed 13 times and he lived you would he would read about him in paper oh yeah no without a doubt in 2005 he was declared an official state hero by the Massachusetts legislature in 2012 2005 oh 2005 good we got around to that fast yeah it took a

little while they built a monument where he had a skirmish it reads near this spot Samuel Whitmore then 80 years old killed three British soldiers April 19th 7 to 75 he was shot bayoneted beaten and left for dead but recovered and lived to be 98 years old suck it yeah I don't think the second parts on it should be shouldn't it be and there should be a little more context to it honestly yeah they should really just express that he really just didn't like the vibe and knew nothing he just was like pretty sure there were British soldiers he was super anti-vibe the whole vibe was just not not I don't like what your vibe is and

he's there with his fancy decorated sword well the truth is to the sword and those guns were probably burning the hole in his pocket he was probably like ready to discharge that shit he always wanted to kill people he was gonna kill people then they're just walking by 80 80s probably what else do I have he doesn't know he's gonna live to 91 and we actually have no idea if he wounded any of those guys with the sword oh but you know he did you know he got some fucking wax in you don't bayonetta guy 13 times if he's not good with it like if you're not like die for sure right no he fucked some people up he totally fucked

some people god bless him sweetie yeah that's a small up that's lovely beautiful anything else no merry christmas that's your shopping done wait that's early consume consume consume and buy merry