The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 410 - Adolphus Cooke (Live in Dublin)

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

410 - Adolphus Cooke - Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine not normal Irishman Adolphus Cooke. SourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

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You're listening to the dollop. This is a Bicostal American History podcast. Each week I, David Anthony, read a story from American, nay, Irish history to my friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about nemesis. We're not enemies for the last time. Well, enemies is not the same thing as nemesis. We're not nemesis. We're not nemesi. Well, no, we're not. You are mine. No, that's not. You think we're friends. Well, I know you're my nemesis. That hampers the friendship a great deal for me. Think about it. Think about how it is for me. It sounds like it's a crazy thing. It's worse. Yeah, it's worse. Yeah. Dave, just

shut the fucking date. I agree with you. Yeah. 1792. Illegitimate baby. Here we go. It's Ireland. It's half. It's half of you. Illegitimate baby. Adolphus Cook was born to Robert Cook and an unnamed servant on the vast Cooksboro estate near Melanger in Ireland. Okay. Melanger. Did I say it wrong already? I can't understand what the fuck you're saying. If you all do it, if you can all do it with a half second delay, that helps. Yeah, everyone say it at the same time, but not. Robert and his wife, Lady Martha Saunders, already had two children, but when Lady Martha learned of Adolphus, she left Robert.

Hmm, okay. Yeah, you wouldn't think that would happen. No. Yeah, that's bad. I like that move. Finally, a little role reversal. I'm sure. That's good. That's great. Divorce was illegal then, I believe, right? So she just walked away. Yeah. Is it illegal yet? Divorce? Okay. I know you guys get kind of behind on that kind of stuff a little bit. And she left Adolphus with... No, she left Robert and took the kids. Okay, all right, different. Not as exciting for me. Yeah, sorry. So, Robert's ashamed that he's distraught. He sends his mistress away and he gave Adolphus to a local nurse named Mary Kelly. Okay. Weird, Irish name. The mom doesn't get the baby. He gives it to a nurse.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Just how things worked. Yep. Mary and Adolphus lived in a two-room thatch cottage near what is known as the nurse's pond on the estate. So that was hers. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Perfect. They were forbidden from coming near the estate's big house. Okay. Okay. So they've got... He's got his illegitimate son with a nurse near a pond just living... Wait. Living on the estate. Okay. They're on what estate? The Cooksboro estate. Okay. And he... It's big. Big estate. Okay. And the father is forbidden from going to the main estate? No, the kid and the nurse cannot go to the main house. Okay. They just can maybe go to her pond. They get to stay... Yeah, they can go in the pond. Oh, they can go in it. That's cool. Well,

it's hers. Fuck it. Robert had food and supplies sent to Mary and Adolphus every day. Sure. They never got more than one day's supply at a time. Is this the story of Blue Apron? Yeah. Yeah. I've already figured it out. We don't need to do it. We'll do mine. But that keeps them on edge, right? They don't know... Yeah, I know. Every day when you're like, Oh God. Just another... I knew we shouldn't have had dinner. One potato again. That's the stereotype we have about you guys. That's true. It's also great. What a turnaround we've had with Ireland. You know, we've really gone through some bumps with this country, right Dave? Remember when we had to retire the accents? Because some guy found it racist. And here we are making potato jokes. It's just what a world.

What a world. Okay, so every day they were looking at the window to see if they were going to get bread and jam. That's right. Each item had to be accounted for. The potatoes were weighed. The salt was measured. The sods of turf for the fire were counted. The sods of turf. So the potato thing is not a rude stereotype. They are literally... They ate potatoes. Potatoes and salt. Yeah, they had a whole potato thing. All the potatoes went away at some point and that got bad. I've heard of it. And the English took all the food. They were cool. Still are. Yeah. Once a year, Mary was allowed to go to Melanger. I don't care. I'm going to say it different ways every time. To buy Adolphus clothes and shoes and charge the bill to Robert. Okay. So once a year you get new

clothes and shoes. So she's just taken this... She now is just going to full-time raise Adolphus. Yeah, she's raising the kids. And he gets... It's an awesome life. Each day you get food and then once a year you get clothes. Each day you get weight, salt, and a potato. And then once a year because kids grow very slowly. So once a year you're able to guess what kind of spurt this year is going to be like. You know, would it be a big one? I doubt it. What? I didn't say anything. I haven't said anything. I would not do that. It's racist. Adolphus was sent to school in England. In his teens he joined the army. During the Napoleonic Wars he was stationed in Spain, Portugal, and South Africa. Okay. He was described by his peers as, quote, a polished gentleman, highly

cultured, and well-read in standard literature, ancient, and modern. His library contained 9,000 books and amongst them he had not a single copy of the Bible. Okay. Guys, that's a really important book. First and foremost. Yeah. Second of all, no way he read 9,000 books. Come on. I mean, that's like... They didn't have TV. Yeah. They didn't have a phone. Oh, they didn't have iPhones. No iPhones. What was the iPhone? I thought this was... No. Oh. Interesting. The iPhones didn't come along until the 1800s. Okay. I thought that's where we were. Okay. Late 1800s. Okay. When asked by a reverend why he didn't have a Bible, quote, he told me, sorry, he told them that he would rather read the Quran than Holy Rit and that he preferred Muhammad to the savior

of the world. And from that answer, the reverend concluded that he was an infidel. I mean, like, the reverend's probably just poking a little fun like, well, why don't you have a Bible? And he's like, because I'd rather read the Quran. He's like, I can't... This went wrong. Oh, boy. So much blood just came out of me. I'm shitting blood. It's shitty, but it's an Irish accent. In 1835, Robert died at the age of 85. Okay. His two legitimate sons had already died long before. Well, we got this, the one. So Robert Cook's entire inheritance and estate was left to his illegitimate son, Adolphus Cook. This sounds like the beginning of like a comedy show, like intro, like, and here we are. Unpolished Adolphus with all this money. The Cooksboro mansion and farms

totaled about 700 acres. The rest of the property, 4,000 acres, was lent out to tenants. I love a landlord. Yeah. Adolphus quickly gained a reputation as a generous landlord. He provided tenants with furnishings, pensions, funeral expenses and blankets. Jesus. Blankets. That's very nice. I know. Also, besides a funeral, how about a blanket? That's very nice. Would you like a blanket after I paid for your dad's husband to go on the ground? Do you want a blanket? I would love a blanket. Yes, I would love. Do you want a blanket? Are your husbands dead? You know, I don't actually need it. I thought you were saying it. I was kind of placating you. So if you're going to be an asshole, I don't need the blanket. You want a funeral? In what way? I'm

just saying I pay for funerals. I'll take the blanket. I'd love a blanket. Thank you so much. Oh, it's so warm. It feels warm on my skin, right? Yeah. It soon became clear that Adolphus was not a typical Irishman, whatever that means. He was English. He surround himself with strange men and gave them positions of power, namely two fat strange men named Billy Dunn and Tom Cruise. I like how you knew it was a built-in sip moment. Okay, so Fat Tom Cruise. Dynamite. Yep. And what's the other guy's name? Billy Dunn. Billy Dunn. All right. So we got a maverick. We got a goose. Let's do it. Billy Dunn was described as, quote, tall, raw, boned man at the time. I'm sorry, a raw boned. Raw boned? Raw boned. As opposed to cook boned? I don't have an answer. Okay. Okay.

Look, it's a quote. I didn't just whoever said raw boned, someone should have been like, well, as opposed to about 50 years of age, he was flat footed. And the juveniles of a mullinger to annoy him would shout after him that they would spit on his toe, which often caused him to foam and rage like a maniac. Well, that's just encouraging that abuse. That's yeah. That's why they do it. So you'd say you're going to spit on his shoe and he'd get rabid. Yeah. Okay. And that's perfect. All right. What about Tom Cruise? We're not there yet. We're not there yet. We're still going through Billy. Billy spent a lot of time drilling imaginary troops and playing policemen. And Billy again is 50. Yes. So Billy still plays. Well, is it playing if you're, you know, it's pretty

serious if you're in charge of some troops, but he's not in charge of troops. Well, he is. In what way? They're not real, but that's a problem right there. That's where I'm going to flag it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he's just in the yard just like shouting at fake troops all day. Well, he's running him through the, you know, sure. Quote, he was very, that was not good enough. Drop it. Give me 50. Yeah. That's better. I'm in charge again. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. I want you to stick around, private. I'd like to talk to you for a minute. We've always found something special about you. As a dolphin is from the window, like, what is he kissing the grass? We shouldn't. Let's give into our temptation. You ready for some raw bone? Yeah. Finally.

Quote, he was very fond of the police and they in turn were very kind to him. Sometimes on race days and fair days, Billy would attire himself in a cast off suit of police clothes with a straw rope around his waist. So is this man really 50 or he's eight from from which he's like going to find the police. Wow, you guys are so good. Thank you, little guy. You're 50. I'm pretending to be you today. Oh, right. That's fucking insane. With the straw rope around his waist, which depended around stick, which he called his bayonet. That's equipped. He would start through the streets of Mollinger to to the race. No, no. To the race course, giving word to halt quick march, right about face as if he were in command of a force of the RIC, followed by a troop of urchins and others

to their ineffable delight. And Adolphus was like, I need this guy on my team. This guy. He's like, well, this guy clearly if he ever gets troops, look out, this guy's ready to go. There's an actual army. My God. You see, when you see a guy who knows how to be a leader, yeah, with a stick who's telling men about face that don't exist. Well, yeah. Tom Cruise was also strange. Well, he believed in Theatons. I thought we were going this way. Yeah. Quote, he was of a solid disposition, lazy, slovenly and dirty. On a fine summer's day, he would lie asleep on the flags for hours oblivious of passing events. These are the two guys he hired. Yeah. Were there only two guys? Yes. Tom was obsessed with sports. They ruled his life. He traveled very far to go

to any and all sporting fixtures. He collected subscriptions of the events and asked the local priests to announce them at Sunday Mass. And these are grownups? You're sure? You've got the ages right? Yeah. He would even interrupt sermons and say, quote, Father, you are forgetting to tell them about the sports at Longfield today. I will tell them I'm first. This is about the Lord. Get to the score. I will do it at the end. I told you that Tom Cruise. Fat Tom Cruise. Billy and Tom were inseparable and traveled from town to town. Because who else could they hang out with? They only had each other. Seems like they'd be a lot of fun. Sure. When they grew tired of urban life, they would go to resorts in the countryside. Despite their friendship, people saw them

frequently fighting with each other. Quote, quote, Cruise was a braggart. And he frequently declared that he would thrash Billy and leave a surgeon's work on him. These threats, of course, would be uttered behind Billy's back. Cruise was a coward. But Dunn was brave. And of a pugnacious temperament, Dunn was informed of Tom's threats. And the result was that he challenged him to mortal combat. There's just too many references here. Okay. So Tom Cruise and Billy Dunn were going to play Mortal Kombat. They're going to have a duel. Okay. Oh, a duel? Yeah. A real duel? Yeah. Okay. Now they're using obviously like twigs. Yeah. They met a secluded valley with their supporters. And before, well, they're going to fight actually. Sorry. Okay. Well, still, they could do it like

dual paces. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Before the fight started, Tom told his second that if he was getting beat up to draw him, which meant to end it. Okay. It's like throwing the toe, right? Sure. Yeah. Right. The fight's far and away. Yeah. Keep going. A real documentary. The fight started, and Billy punched Tom in the nose and blood poured out. Draw me. Tom yelled quote, draw me. Let me know if you need help, Tom. Draw me. I'm ready to jump in. His second did nothing. Yeah. Consensus. Tom tried to defend himself from the punches Billy threw and kept yelling quote, draw me for God's sake or I'll kill me. Say the secret word. Draw me. Everyone just laughed. Tom then said quote to the hell with the holy I'll draw myself and he walked off.

Why did he need the other guy? I don't know. I think it's like official to have your second guy do it. Because then you're not quitting. Your guy's doing it for you and you're supposed to. Oh, it's like when you want me back. Yeah, the hold me back thing. Right. Hold me back. And someone's like, no, you're like, you better fucking hold me back. I do not want to fight this guy. Okay. So these are the two guys who are now helping Adolphus manage his property. Yeah, right. Okay. So the competent infrastructure. Right. To stay in Adolphus is good graces. Billy, Tom and all the estate tenants had to follow rigid rules where they'd be evicted. He was a disciplinary. And yet he let this one guy like command a fake army in his yard?

Nothing wrong with that. Okay. In 1857, the 56 regiment of Ireland was stationed near Malar. How is that closer? Adult. No, you're wrong. You're horribly wrong. Adolphus learned an Englishman named Captain Cook was stationed there. Okay. So he invited Captain Cook to come over for a visit because they had the same last name. It's a simple time. It was just like a simple time when a connection like that warranted a meal. Yeah, I follow other Dave Anthony's on Twitter. Yeah, and in real life. The captain accepted the invitation and they became fast friends.

Okay. On a wet day, they were getting ready to hunt on a day on an Irish day, they were getting ready to hunt. When Captain Cook said because of the weather, he thought they'd have a bad hunt. Adolphus disagreed. So they made a bet. Adolphus was claiming they wouldn't be able to carry everything they were going to shoot. They're going to shoot so many animals. The issue would be transporting the animals. After a few hours, they had not shot many animals. And Captain Cook asked for his money. And Adolphus said the day wasn't over until they got out of the woods. As they passed some of his tenants farms, Adolphus saw one of the farmers had a pig laying about 16 stones. So he shot it. Jesus Christ.

And then he said he won the bet. Quote, you will not be able to carry the pig in your bag to Mullinger. What about the farmer? Was he like, Hey, asshole. I'm sure he was not happy. Yeah. Yeah, you shot my fucking pig. But I want to thank you so much for your pig sacrifice. It means the world to me. But he did win. I mean, he did. It is hunting rules. Yeah, there are rules. No, that's how Donald Trump Jr. hunts. It's different. At this time, at this time, 89% of Irish was Ireland was Catholic. Okay, believe that. It was rare for someone not to have religious beliefs. And when a man told Adolphus about the

Savior, and going to heaven, Adolphus became furious at the man for introducing such a subject. Adolphus had a completely different belief. Sure. He believed in the trans migration of souls. And that after death, he would be changed into a fox. So he believes in reincarnation, but he specifically thought he would come back as a fox. That's right. It's not getting away from my issue with religion, the specificity. But you sound crazy. There's not a man in the clouds. I'll be a fox when I die. Want a blanket? I mean, you know, yeah, it's all made up. Yeah, I hope he comes back as a pig. You know which one too. Yep.

Yep. But he did not think being a fox would be a great life. Wait, so he has this prediction, but he's like, but I'm not looking forward to it. It's, uh, yeah, trust me, it's not on his crack top to be. It was going to be a pain in the ass. That's right. Because he would be hunted by dogs and his wealthy neighbors. I mean, you've heard it a million times. I'll come back as a fox. They're going to hunt me. My neighbors will try to kill me. I'm just not excited for it. Uh, the only thing that made him feel better about this was that he knew the land well and it would quote, be able to elude both dogs and huntsmen. So wait, he thinks he's going to be,

he thinks he's going to be a fox there? Yeah. Right, right in the area. And then he knows the land, so he'll hide out because he's, you know, you come back with your knowledge of who you are. You're like, oh, I'm still Adolphus. I'm just a fox. I think the Catholics are more right, which is saying something. You don't hear that often. Yeah. But, uh, yeah. Move on, David. His belief in the trans migration of souls affected his interactions with animals on his estate and in the nearby woodlands. Adolphus firmly believed that a local turkey was his late father. That turkey's laughing all the way to the bank, by the way. That turkey's like, uh-huh.

Yeah. No, I remember that very clearly. Can I get some more of that meat? That's unbelievable. Yeah. I remember that. So you're such a good boy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Why was I the only one that you didn't want in the main house? I know. I know. I know, dad. I know, dad. I know. I know. And when I know, and that was hard for you, but it was hard for me, too. You know, you made the tough decision, but I also, I had to figure my own way out. And you all, yeah, I know. I know. I know. I know. I'm there, too, dad. I mean, this is tough stuff, but we got to work through this if we're going to be normal. Look, I'm not going to be Adolphus forever. Soon, I'm going to be a fox. And I don't know. I mean, I hope we could still be unlikely friends then.

All right. Well, mom's a, what? Oh, dad, I love you, too. I've waited so long to hear that. Oh, dad, don't fight, dad, dad, dad, dad. Have some more brandy. I know you like that. There you go. Can I sleep in here again? Spoon ya? Pop. I forgive you. I forgive you, papa. I'm so, I'm so happy about the way the afterlife worked out. Super convenient. Okay, I should go. Believe it or not, I can't really tell a lot of people about this. They think I'm cuckoo. Love you, daddy. Yeah. Oh, I guess I'll stay. That woman who just came back in is like, what in the fuck happened to this podcast? His father's a turkey.

Don't leave. He demanded that the turkey be treated with the utmost respect. This turkey, the best. This is what, if you're a turkey, you just hit the turkey lottery. He demanded his servants tip their hats and bow and every, and every the turkey walked by. Hello, sir. Good day. That's right. Thank you, father. He made sure the turkey was well fed and taken care of. He said it would not be killed for food and he could only die of old age. Turkey, the best. Adolphus also had a dog that everyone on the estate loved. His name was, his name was Gusty. Gusty? Gusty the dog? When Adolphus was in a good mood, he would dress the dog up like quote Gustavus Adolphus, the hero of Sweden.

Nice crossover. Yep. Okay. But Gusty did one thing that upset Adolphus. Hated when he put outfits on him. Gusty would often wander around the 4000 acre estate and quote, he made the acquaintance of other dogs not as highly bred or cultured as himself. So there's even canine classism? Yeah. Don't associate with those other dogs. My father's watching. This greatly incensed Adolphus. He was severely reprimanded by Adolphus for his wandering habits. The dog, the dog was reprimanded by, okay, sure just wanted to get some clarity. And his love of low company. And he would order Gusty to be placed in solitary confinement for three days

and placed on short rations for mingling with the lower breeds. Well, this took a dark turn. It was also fun for a minute. Other than that, Gusty was treated pretty fantastic. Other than solitary? All right, put him in the hole. He keeps talking to those other dogs. But after being in solitary confinement many times, Adolphus came to the conclusion that Gusty was a hardened criminal and was not going to change his behavior. This is good for a podcast. Brian, thank you. I'm a little worried about his mental state. Who?

Augustus, Adolphus, sorry. Not Gusty? Oh, I thought you meant Gusty because he's been in solitary confinement. Well, yes, I'm worried about Gusty, but Adolphus seems to be crazy. No, he just sees animals a different way than you and I. In a bad way. Well, I wouldn't say that. Okay. Should I turn my mic back off? Yeah. So obviously, jail was not having an effect on Gusty. Jesus Christ, we're still sticking with this? Adolphus gave him one more chance to change his lifestyle. What? Well, Dave, he's not going to, he's a dog. He won't do it.

And then in front of his employees, Adolphus told Gusty if he hung out with the lower breeds again, he would quote, expiate his offense like other mortal criminals on the gallows. And he was shown the rope, which was to hang him. And from the tree from which he was to be strangled. And the dog was like, You see, that's your fate. Okay. Clean it up. Fuck around anymore, Gusty. For some reason, the threat of capital punishment did not alter Gusty's behavior.

Did you think of anything to do with him being a dog? I think he's not. I think he's a bad listener. Yeah, you're right. I think what happened was he was talking to those other dogs and they were like, obviously corrupted him. Yeah. Yeah. So Gusty kept mangling with the lower breeds on the estate. But he saw the gallows. What is he doing? I don't know. So Adolphus called for a trial. All right, that's it. We're having a trial.

All right, my father will be representing you, Gusty. He's one of the best turkey lawyers we have on the property. That's right. He's one of the best. I will be the prosecuting attorney. And the judge is obviously this turtle. Wise. That's why I put those little glasses on him. He looks really wise. That's the turtle.

And the stenographer here is a pigeon, a pigeon, a screaming pigeon. That's right. And a jury of your peers made up of squirrels, snakes, that plant from the house, a teapot, that glove, some shoes, and a bucket of water. Guilty. Yep. Oh boy. The turtle came alive, didn't he? Well, hello. So Adolphus quickly organized a trial for 10 o'clock in the morning. And if you're approached about taking part in this case, how do you say yes?

Oh, you have to say yes. Okay. Or are you not scared? Oh, no, it's terrifying. But you got it. You got it. I mean, if they were asked me, I'd be like, yeah, no, I'll go to the Absolutely. I'll go to the death trial for a dog trial. Yeah. What is this crime? Well, he keeps talking to lower class dogs. It I could see by your face. You understand the problem. It's disgusting.

Here's the crazy part. I showed him I was going to kill him. Still doesn't. This dog won't listen. My mother's some cabbage. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. I'm going to be a fox right around here. So every employee was required to be there. I mean, if you work for him, you've got to be like, this is kind of a gravy train,

but also this could turn sour real quick on us. Yeah. How long until he's like, I know you're dating the kettle, you son of a bitch. Once everyone arrived, Adolphus spoke, quote, Well, we know why we're here. Gusty was duly arranged and charged with quitting the precincts of Cooksboro Dements without leave and associating with dogs of an inferior order.

Tom Cruise and Billy Dunn were chosen to be special advisors to and help pick the jurors. To who? Special advisors. They really are jurors. Yeah, they're going to pick a jury. Tom and Billy pick the jury. The two workers who brought Gusty into the hall had to give evidence and

detailed testimonies of how Gusty had been arrested. They explained how Gusty had a resisted arrest. If he had succumbed to arrest, that would be weird. He thought they were having chase around playtime. Yeah, he was a dog. They were like, come on, now quit it. What's he doing? He's running away.

When arguments were finished, the jurors went into another room and deliberated for two hours. I'll tell you what they talked about. What the fuck is going on? Is this, this is insane, right? What are we going to do? We have to go out there and give a verdict on the dog. And I think we have to find the dog guilty.

He's crazy. They gave their verdict guilty by misbehavior. They hoped the verdict would satisfy Adolphus. See, that's what they're doing. They're placating the madman. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very similar to our president. Keep going.

Adolphus then solemnly spoke to the staff. I didn't want to hear this. Quote, he, quote, laid much stress on the heinousness of the crime for which Gusty was convicted. How old is he? His ingratitude to a good master who fed and nurtured him with tender solitude since he was a puppy. Oh my God.

Is he going to hang this dog? Gusty was to be, quote, taken to the place of execution and hanged by the neck until dead. What? After he would be buried under the tree where he was hanged, Adolphus drafted a tombstone epitaph for Gusty. I hope this dog comes back as an assassin on the property. Here's the epitaph.

Executed for high crimes and misdemeanors, Gusty. Once a favorite setter dog of Adolphus Cook Esquire, Cooksboro, and it is earnestly hoped that his sad fate will be a warning to other dogs against so offending. That's not how dogs work. Well, I would talk to you, but you remember the people versus Gusty? Dog trial of the century. No way.

He now needed an executioner. Who is taking, I guarantee you it's going to be Billy Donner, that stupid Tom Cruise. He gathered some of his workers and asked them if any would hang his dog. Please, no. No one was interested. Okay, good. Yes, sir, I'll hang your dog.

Okay, perfect. So he fired them all for their disobedience. Does he have a business of any kind? He's just like living like Billy Madison right now, I guess, like an evil Billy Madison on his property. Yeah, it's not. He just has so much time on his hands that not only can he have a dog trial,

he can fire all his servants for not killing the dog. Yeah, I mean, he's a rich guy. Okay. A nearby worker heard what was going on and rushed over and announced that he would hang Gusty. I got this. The worker was known as the bug me. The what?

The bug me. The bug me? The bug me. I don't know. That's all I needed to hear. That's all I needed from you, the bug. There was no explanation for the name. He was called the bug me.

Well, I don't know anything about it, but it does sound like the kind of person who would be okay with hanging a dog. Yeah, he said, quote, I will, I'd hang me father and Judy and the children to oblige your honor. Is that the guy you want on your side? The guy who killed his family?

I don't think so. It's not great. I hang all the bug me's, the whole clan of bug me's. My bug me, boy bug me, girl bug me, and baby bug me. Also time to get out of there family. I mean, Yeah. No, if you're the family, like, sorry, the bug me.

I mean, honey, what did you say? I said, I'd hang you and the kids if the boss wanted me to. Well, he's hanging a dog, so it doesn't seem like a crazy thing he'd ask you to do. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I like my job. Well, we will be home when you get back. That's a promise. I love you so much. You're perfect. Okay, now go hang that dog. Not the first dog I've hung.

Oh, cool. I used to be the donghanger of Dublin. Boy, I love learning about you. So Adolphus thought this was great. He had an employee who would hang his dog, quote, you are a good and faithful retainer of mine. Here is five pounds for you and I shall not forget you in my last will and testament

when the dread sentence is carried out. Let me know as Mr. Cruz, Mr. Dono, myself will inspect the dead body of the criminal. Dude, this is tough. The bug me was told to hang Gusty the next morning on one of the seven lime trees that were a quarter of a mile away from the main residence. At the execution time, the bug me put a noose around

Gusty's neck and walked him off to the lime trees. Which is terrible because for Gusty, he's like, oh, a walk. Yeah. Like it's a walk. Yeah, he thinks it's a leash. Yeah, it's a leash. Let's go. Yeah.

Adolphus Cruz. Didn't his father step in at any point and be like, son, this is crazy. I know dad, but he did this. He associated with the other dogs. I understand that, but I am the man of the manner now and I am not listening to you. Stop it.

No more objections. Stop it. I'm not above hanging you either, father. I love you so much. And I respect your decision to abandon me, which obviously has taken no mental toll whatsoever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kill a dog for talking to others.

I'll be with the bug man. Where's the bug me? Adolphus Cruz and Dunn waited, and after 10 minutes, the bug me came back with Gusty still alive. Yes. Oh, now we're cheering for the criminal. Yeah, let's pump the brakes.

I don't know if we're out of the woods yet. He told me who did the crime. Adolphus was furious that Gusty had not been hanged. Quote, what is the meaning of all this? Explain yourself. Why did you not carry out the sentence I pronounced? And the bug me said, he took Gusty to the lime trees slash gallow to be executed,

but someone was there to stop him. Dave, I can't wait. What? Who? Adolphus's dad, the turkey. You know, if you had told me that line before the show, I just said, you're crazy.

Ah, so pop turkey did step in. Adolphus was shocked. What? Quote, what did my mother say? Tell me quick, what action my father, the turkey cock, took to prevent the action? Okay, so my interpretation right now is that the bug me is a really good dude and brilliant, and was like, I'll do it and then just made all this shit up.

But the reaction of like, what? Tell me everything my turkey father said. What did he say? What was his chortle doing? How are his feathers? Were they angry? He gets like that. The bug me said the turkey had attacked him when he saw the noose around Gusty's neck.

Interesting. Quote, he flew up at me and dragged the hat over me head. And then he began biting me shins until he left lumps on them as big as two heads. He then began- I love, wait, I love how big, like in his mind as big as something can get, it's a turkey, but it's two hands. So they pecked you. He then began screeching and blubbering about Gusty and thought to bite the rope in two.

The bug me said he thought that maybe Gusty was another relative of Adolphus's. Yes, bug me, whatever you are. I have a theory that this is your grandfather. And that it would be a shame to hang a relative, quote, like a common sheepstealer. Adolphus contemplated and thought for a bit. Hold on, leave me for a moment in my crazy head. And then he said, quote, you are a sensible fellow. That pause for the bug me must have been like, oh, shit.

Well, I think it's obvious what's going on here. You get it. You are a sensible fellow and only you are a believer in transmigration like myself. Yes, obviously. I plan on coming back as a frog. I have no doubt from what you've told me that Gusty is a member of the Cook family or the turkey cock would never have taken the trouble to save his life. Mm hmm. Henceforth your duty shall be to feed and to tend and feed my friends,

the turkey cock and Gusty and you must be courteous and respectful to them as you would to myself. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah. From that day forward, the bug me was in charge of the turkey and gusty until they died of old age. Well played the bug me. One day, one of the workers saw that an ox had fallen into the river. I don't as I mean, is this is like an evil doctor do little we're dealing with.

And the ox was close to drowning panicked. He told a steward to ring the yard bell to bring as many workers as possible to rescue the ox. The first to arrive were Tom, Billy and Adolphus. Many other workers then followed. They quickly stripped off their clothes and got ropes to rescue the ox. Let's get naked and get this ox out of here. Check out your abs. What?

So check out your abs. Yeah, I got a good core. Yeah. Did we have to get fully naked to do this thing? I don't know, but it feels right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, we should probably get the ox out of the river. Oh, yeah. Remember that whole thing we're down for? Yeah, it wasn't just the nude skinny. Totally forgot. We're not just skinny shipping. It's right. Yeah.

I just, you know. It's like really drowning. So we should probably, yeah, yeah. So I just, I just think you have a nice dick. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yours is kind of weird.

Yeah, I was in a potato accident as a child. So while this was going on, Adolphus, Tom, and Billy had a little meeting, a little sidebar. Let's do a little nude sidebar before we get the ox out of here. They then announced the cattle on the property should be driven to the river, and the med should not do anything to get the ox out until the cattle arrived. Now, is there a reason? The workers are confused and asked why. Sure.

Adolphus. Probably a, probably a word they used a lot. Adolphus quote. The cattle will have an opportunity of seeing their companion drowning, and it will be a warning and a caution to each and every one of them during their mortal tenure to shun the water. So Billy and Tom, obviously, out of their minds as well. Well, they're just, you know, they got to push jobs.

Right. So they're just like, exactly. That's a good call. Adolphus, get the other cattle down here. We'll make a lesson out of this ox. Yeah. It'll be what we call the ox tail. Fuck off.

Yeah. That's his version of Mallender. A worker asked if they were expected to let the animal drown. Adolphus said, quote, let him be drowned. It will be a caution to other cattle to avoid going into dangerous places. Yes. And with all due respect, that's not how cattle work. Adolphus, Tom and Billy then walked off toward the residence.

Once they were gone, the workers quickly rescued the ox. Okay. They're like, fuck this. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One day, Adolphus was walking through his property and came across. That's it. They just saved the ox.

Did you show the other cattle? Yeah, they were all super freaked out. Yeah. They, one of them actually goes, no. So I think they're not going to do that anymore. They're done with that business. There's no way they go near that. They actually saved the ox, too.

It was really heroic. You would have loved it. I feel like some of them are your cousins. Interesting. The turkey was riding one. Oh, dad. That's classic papa. But you never talked to him though, right?

Huh? Your dad. I, what do you mean? I never talked, of course I talked to my dad. Not until he was a turkey. Well, yeah, not until he was a turkey, but that's, a lot of kids do that. A lot of kids wait until their dads become turkeys and then they talk to him. Okay.

Yeah, he was, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I didn't, by the way, I would rather talk to him as a turkey. Then when he was a man? Yeah. You wouldn't want your father to talk to you and hug you and teach you how to play football and stuff? No. That sounds stupid.

I would rather my dad be reincarnated as a turkey. And then we could form a friendship that's stronger because he realizes what he did wrong now that he is a turkey. Yeah. And he's my papa. Yeah. Now I'm a turkey daddy. I'm sorry.

I must be allergic to your bullshit because I am just tearing up over here. Yeah. What did you talk to your dad when he was a human? Oh yeah, my dad. That's stupid. He sounds so stupid. That sounds so stupid right now. He taught me how to be a man and he showed me how to, you know.

Sounds horrible. I don't know what's going, I'm sweating, but mainly it's going, my sweat for my head is going to my eyes and then dropping down there and you can't see it on my head. Anyway. You taught me how to ride a horse and ride a bike. Oh my God. It sounds so horrible. You taught me how to be respectful to women.

You taught me so bad. Why didn't you wait until your father became a turkey like me? Hand me that blanket. One day Adolphus was walking through his property and he came across a bull that he believed challenged him to a fight. Aha! Bully, all right boy. How do you want to do it, gloves?

Adolphus decided he was not going to be pushed out of his own field by his own bull. Listen, asshole, this is my home. I'll be a fox here in no time. He went to the residence dressed up in a red coat, grabbed a sword and went out to meet the bull. A few seconds into the fight. Red is an interesting color. A few seconds into the fight it became very clear that the bull was going to win. Yeah, it's a bull.

A maidservant came running out to help Adolphus. She set loose the dogs on the bull and opened the gate just enough so Adolphus could escape. Adolphus then fired the maidservant because, quote, only the best should be allowed to survive. I don't think that's supposed to follow because. Yeah, it's not a great lesson. That maidservant, what? You're out of here. You're weak, huh?

Obviously I was going to win that one and the bull running scared. Or it'd be gored to death the way it should be. But then I'd come back in no time. That's a fox. And then me and my father would be hanging out, fox and turkey, just as they're ought to do. You've heard it a million times. Of all the animals in Cooksboro, Adolphus' most serious obsession was with the local birds. Oh, no. Okay.

Specifically the crows and jackdaws. He believed that the crows on the estate were the best and strongest crows in all of Ireland. And again, no evidence in any way. No, they're just crows. Just crows who are like, yeah. And he's like, look at these crows! Yeah, look at them. He would evict anyone who tried to harm any of the birds.

At the same time, he despised the sounds they made. His life just sounds like torture. Particularly in February and March when it was nesting season. One day in March, Adolphus had had enough of the bird's noise and, quote, sent for his faithful henchman, Donlan, and informed him that he was tortured and fractured by the kind of the jackdaws and crows about the house. That it was their season for nest building and that they were in search of moss twigs, et cetera, to build their nests. So is this man going to go on a de-mossing mission?

He told Donlan to get all the workers on the estate and have them collect as many bundles of brushwood as possible. So he's trying to take away the nest building components? He's helping. No, he's not. He's aiding them in their nest building. Okay. The next morning, the workers began gathering brushwood for the birds.

Oh, the amount of shit they were talking about there. Amused them very much. It took them three weeks to complete the job. As they got... Do you know that crows are mobile? Like, there's other places. As they got close to finishing, a worker jokingly said that getting twigs for the nest wouldn't be enough. They should go ahead and build the nests for the birds to save them the

trouble. Adolphus thought this was a brilliant suggestion. You're my new right-hand man. Perfect. And you know how much birds love it when humans touch their nests. So... So now they got to go build nests? He told the man to start building nests immediately. Sir, I was being excited.

So the workers went about building bird nests and having a good time. But when the nests were done, the birds completely ignored them. Yeah, that's not up to snuff. Adolphus' only comment was, quote, loves labor lost. Not long after the bird incident, Adolphus saw a worker who was late for work trying to sneak in unnoticed. He called them over and demanded he explain why he was late. The man said he wouldn't be angry once he heard the reason.

I think that's an impossible thing to know. The worker said he was headed to work when he looked up and saw the entire sky covered with crows and jackdaws coming from the neighboring town of Kilicum. Oh, you're right. I'm not mad. What? Kill Malik? K-I-L-L-U-C-A-N? Kalukin.

What the hell just happened? There's some people speaking Klingon. So what's the name of the place? Kalukin. Okay. You must be like, whoopsie. Now you know what Dave feels like, right? Yes. So the birds made the loudest sound he had ever heard and they must, he said, have woken up

Adolphus and Adolphus nodded and he said, quote, you are right. I was roused from my slumbers by their screams. Yes, absolutely. Go on with your narrative. It interests me. I mean, he's so out of his tits. And now everybody, everybody knows how to play. Yes. Now it's just easy. You're like, you just make up shit about animals.

Well, the crow was talking to me. I had a feeling he would. Tell me what he said. Sit down and pour some brandy. You're my friend now. You'll be a giraffe one day. I like that about you. The worker.

Walk me through it. The worker asked Adolphus to guess what the crows wanted when they got to Cooksboro. That's the best thing to do too. Why don't you guess what they wanted? Well, more twigs. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Adolphus said, quote, how do I know?

Go on with your story. You are in the thick of the plot now. I am anxious to know what the, I am anxious to know what brought the kill-it-gun crows to my place. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take my trousers off too. Keep going. I'm going to do some push-ups. Tell it backwards. It turns out, the crows came to push over the nests that the workers had built.

Uh-huh. The employee described the battle and his own involvement. When your honor's crows seen the Bligard invaders from Kill-it-gun, they gave the alarm to their brother and sister crows who were fast asleep. And they got up. And while you be Sayateen, Thrapstick, whatever, whatever, just get through the story. They were in each other's wool and there was blood upon shirts and feathers flying about like snowflakes in January. Well, I took part with your honor's crows among a thousand crows. Well, I threw sticks and stones at the Kill-it-gun thieves and killed some hundreds of them.

I mean, this dude went big. You can definitely find a middle ground where they didn't. But he probably was like, he'll finish it. So he was like, and then he was like looking at his face like, not big enough. And then they committed a genocide. Really. Go on, friend. This is intriguing.

Well, Adolphus was very pleased. Uh-huh. So my crows fought bravely. Oh, sir, some of the bravest crow armies I've seen. Yes, absolutely. And they were wearing little army helmets, too. It was a whole thing. Most do sound like my crows.

Well, they certainly were, sir. They told me as much. And God, they respect the hell out of you. I'll tell you that a lot of them. There's not a dissenter among them. Each one of them a big fan of you and your father. Obviously, they find a connection there. There's a kinship.

Anyway, I'm sorry I was 20 minutes late. I just... You've got to understand why now. Uh-huh. Adolphus said, I shall go and see the killed and the wounded. Well, let me finish, Adolphus. They ate them all.

The crows ate every man. Piece by piece. I watched it all within 20 minutes. The worker told Adolphus the crows had already carried their dead and wounded away. Close. Close. Adolphus demanded to know how the battle ended.

Quote, the fight lasted a couple of hours and several times the Killican crows took... This is not a word. Pussisifov? It shouldn't sound like one. Your honor's nest, but between myself and seven your own crows, we drove them out and they ran away and we chased them into Killican

and look at me close, your honor. They are all in tatters on me back. But I'm afraid that the Theven Bliggers may return with reinforcements and overpower your honor's crows. Well, we'll be ready. Billy Dunn is one of the best commanders we have. If they need a leader, we've got it right there. Worst case scenario, fat Tom Cruise will come in.

I've got a good feeling. Adolphus was absolutely blown away by the story. I mean, it's almost unbelievable. You know what I mean? It's almost too crazy. Almost. He told the worker, quote, and defended my property manfully

for which I shall reward you. I shall buy you new clothes for you instead of your tattered ones and lest the Killican crows return and dispossess my crows, go back to the wood and bring another man with you to assist you in repelling any attack that may be made on my crows or their nests. And if you require to be reinforced, send for help and firearms if necessary

to maintain my authority. Absolutely, sir. It sounds so fucking crazy, but I'll do it. The worker spent that spring and summer as the protector of the Cooksboro Crows. They were just out there like, dude, you just nailed it. That's the best lie ever. I know, man.

Remember when we had to work? Not anymore! Once in a while, the worker would tell Adolphus that the Killican crows had attacked again, and every time the Cooksboro Crows were able to drive them away from the estate, every time Adolphus would ask to see the dead and wounded, but the worker would say they were carried away.

Of course they were. Consistency is something I respect in my crows. Adolphus then asked for a casualty list instead. Absolutely, sir. We will make that up in the woods. We lost Frank and Tommy, Billy, Jim, Sam. As Adolphus got older, he started to obsess over his death and burial arrangements.

At first, he wanted to be buried somewhere isolated, where no one had been buried, with no tombstone, no prayer said, just quietly put in the ground. But the older he got, the more the plan changed. He couldn't settle on a single idea. At one point, he said when he died, he should be, quote,

buried in the horse park where man and beast could trample me with impunity. Are that your final choice, sir? I think so. I don't know, there's nothing nice about that. But soon that idea was replaced by another. Maybe I'll be exploded. Wouldn't that be fun?

Put me inside of my father. Yeah, I like that idea. He told his men to build a vault 40 feet wide and 40 feet deep, so quote, that the screams of the jackdaws and crows would not disturb him and his long slumber. You know, they're always in combat, my crows. You can get pretty violent out there,

especially when they kill the men and take the bodies away. So he wants a soundproof tomb so that he doesn't rise when he's dead? Yeah, so the birds don't bother him. Right, exactly. He used his remaining fortune for the construction of the marble steps leading down to a room that had an arched roof

lined with marble slabs. Inside was a great fireplace, and in front of it was a huge marble armchair, besides a table and lector. Shelves were on the walls for his 9,000 books. On the table there were pens, ink, and paper. His new plan was to be embalmed and laid to rest, sitting upright in a chair in front of the fire,

which was to be eternally burning. Oh, by the way, don't spend that money yet. Once he's dead, be like, all right, burn him. Let's go get a car. I know. What do you say? Let's get a boat. Something nice. When it was done, they completed it. He had the vault sunk into a pit. Adolphus called himself the superintendent on the job

and Billion Tom engineers. Is it possible that they're all three? Yeah. Okay. During construction, Adolphus had to leave the estate for a few days, and when he returned, he found one of the workers had built a fence around the pit to keep cattle from falling in,

and he demanded it be taken down. The worker tried to explain that if the workers in the pit could be hurt if a cow or horse-drawn carriage fell in, Adolphus said, he didn't care, quote, man and beast must mind themselves. The worker refused to remove the fence, but then the driver of the horse and carriage took it down himself, and now the pit men refused to enter the hole.

Moments later, the driver backed up the carriage against the pit, quote, and becoming frightened at the screams of a passing crow, the fiery steed pushed the car back and both toppled over into the pit. It's amazing that it was a crow that did it too. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah, it's perfect. It was a battle cry.

The workers went in to rescue the horse, but it rained the day before. It was now wet clay and made the job even more difficult, as the pit workers struggled, covered in mud, the cart driver hid behind a tree. What is he doing? He just doesn't want to be involved. Okay, well, okay.

When the horse and carriage were finally out, he reappeared, and Adolphus heard about the fiasco when he came out. He said nothing about the horse rescue, quote, that the workers were dirty fellows to be in such a state and that they should have kept themselves clean and tidy like the cart driver. This is a tough work environment. This is like a stressful boss. Yeah.

Yeah, it's hard to know the rules. Yeah. Yeah. Still, he felt bad for them and gave them a crown in water to clean themselves. I couldn't figure that out, but he gave them money in water, I think. Okay. Yeah, that's probably what they did. Then he dismissed them for two weeks for disobeying him,

but they didn't care because he paid them while they weren't working. That's when I used to get out-of-school suspensions. Yeah. They'd be like, it's so bad, you have an out-of-school suspension. I was like, a day off from school? Smart punishment, fucking idiots. Yeah. Eventually, the vault was finished, quote,

after spending several days sinking the vault and expending a considerable sum of money on it, he had it closed up. So he's got his place to be put to rest. All it's left to do is to embalm him and get him sitting there, writing the Great American Death novel. As Adolphus got older, he drafted a will that left everything to- Oh, I can't wait. No.

To a Scottish nephew who then came to visit with his fiance. Who's a ferret? Adolphus planned a grand celebration and a banquet, but first he took the couple on a tour that included the marble vault. Oh, God. And now I know what you're thinking. I'm going to just be in a coffin in here? No, no, no, no, no.

I'll be positioned as I'm writing. And the fire will burn eternally. Cooking me. I'm going to be cooking. Slowly roasting me, potentially. Slow breeze. Needle slip off the bones. Yes, I will be tender.

Ooh. You're going to want to bite at this guy, but don't. That's something else I've got to put in the will. No one can eat me, except for my father. Have you met that recently? He's a turkey now. Yep. Hello, papa.

So afterwards they went in the house and his nephew's fiance sat on the armchair. The armchair and asked, is this how you will look at it? Adolphus flew into a rage and he banished them from Cooksboro indefinitely. That day he rewrote his will, but only after sending all the food and drinks meant for the banquet to his workers. Well, that's a benefit, but I mean, if you're that nephew, you're like, look, I told you to not say anything to him. This is a pretty good deal we had going on.

It just seems so crazy. I know it's crazy, but that's why you just nod and go, oh, it makes a lot of sense, you know, and then we get a bunch of money. He thinks the turkeys his dad. Just shut the fuck up. I just took issue with that. It seemed really weird. The next will left the property to his cousin, Dr. Wellington Purden,

who lived on a nearby state. Purden often enjoyed hunting with his hounds, and one day he came into Cooksboro property and killed the fox right in front of Adolphus. Oh, no, no, no, no. This man cannot be trusted. Well, Adolphus had been assuming when he died he would come back as a bird lately. Oh, so he's tweaked it. But then he also was like, I might be a fox.

So even if he was not going to become a fox, Adolphus was concerned that Purden could have just murdered one of his family members. So he wrote him out of the will. It's going to be tough to find this suitor for this will. He then had his men dig a quote, a number of exceptionally deep foxholes and trenches lined with stone, which he could use in case of need when he was a fox. So if you've worked for this guy for a while, like, you've just heard everything.

I need you to build foxholes for when I come back as a fox. Yeah, sure, we could put some over there, and then I think we could do a couple over there for you. We could really line them with stones, make it really hard for anyone to find you, but you could get into. That's exactly what I'm after. That's perfect. The third version of the will left everything to the youngest son of the Earl of Longford, Edward Peckinham. Adolphus' only condition was that the boy hyphenated his name to Edward Peckinham Cook which the kid was more than happy to do.

Sure, yeah, I'll do whatever. I mean, I'll change my name into turkey boy. Let's do this. Adolphus Cook died on March 29th, 1876 at 84 years old. Wow, so long. And then it's like, if you have dementia when you're young and then you dementia, did he just start to be normal at the end? Was he like, you know what, I think that's just a turkey. Hey, crazy. Hey guys, we're going to eat dad. The rector of Killikun was Reverend Morley Desmus.

He was the same man to whom Adolphus had said previously, I would rather read the cram, than holy writ, in all those years, he had held a grudge. That guy's still alive? Out of spite, the Reverend Desmus major, Adolphus' final wishes were not carried out. I'm kind of okay with it. I really am. Old curmudgeon just like, no, we won't do that to him at all. We're going to hang him like gusty. Hang the bitch.

Adolphus had redesigned his father's tomb to look like a beehive in the event his father was reincarnated as a bee. But that happened long before he returned as a turkey. Wait, his dad was a bee before he was a turkey? Well, he thought he might be a bee. Before? Yeah, so he built the beehive tomb and then it turns out he came back as a turkey. Which happens, I mean that's the thing about, that's the thing about... It's so hard to predict.

Transmigration is that you don't know, like you're prepared for someone to become like a snake, and then they come back as a buffalo and you're like, oh fuck. Yeah, no. I didn't plan for that. Right, yeah. Oh dad, he always kept me guessing. So the Reverend had the marble vault destroyed and then buried Adolphus under the stone beehive with his father and Mary Kelly, the nurse. Okay.

The beehive tomb is still in the Raynella churchyard near his estate. It stands 12 feet high and 42 feet in circumference. It's a beehive. That's a big hive. What's the queen? The queen's just a regular queen. It's Queen Elizabeth. Okay.

Dr. Perdon of the Second Will challenged the Third Will in court on the grounds that Adolphus was of unsound mind. I like how the First Will... It's a slam dunk, I guess, yeah. Dr. William Williams, a witness for the deceased Adolphus cook. Dr. William Williams? That's right. Got me Billy Billy. A witness for the deceased Adolphus cook hated Dr. Perdon and, quote, was prepared to swear that Adolphus was sane.

Williams knew Adolphus for 36 years and admitted he was a difficult person. Sure. He told of the time he cured Adolphus of a serious disease but was never invited to the house again. Williams was cross-examined about the time Adolphus said he might become a screech owl. You know when you heard screech owl, he's like, damn it. I didn't know you knew who you thought the screech owl was. This is from the court transcript. Oh, yes.

Counsel. How many LOLs did this dog for? Counsel, quote, can you give me the exact words he used when he said his voice was becoming like that of a screech owl? Doctor, quote, he said, this is the first day I perceived my voice becoming like that of a screech owl. He was very hoarse at the time. His lordship, quote, did you ever hear a man say he was as hoarse as a raven? Doctor, I did. His lordship, now when Mr. Cook said his voice was becoming like that of a screech owl, do you think he supposed he was a screech owl?

Doctor, I do not. He's lying. The verdict was for Pankenham Cook because it could not be proven that Adolphus was insane. The judge concluded, quote, if a man believes he will turn into a successful screech owl after his death, that is no proof that he isn't capable. Can you imagine that the judge like, okay, I can't believe I'm gonna, this is legally very, this is tenuous. It's difficult. We now call to the stand turkey daddy. Doctor, Parton took the case to the High Court in Dublin where the bug me provided testimony about Gusty's criminal trial.

And there has not been a normal name for a while. The bug me. Doctor, Parton lost again, but after paying for several trials, all of the Cooksboro inheritance was exhausted. The estate was declared bankrupt. Edward Pankenham Cook dropped Cook from his name. The Parton and Pankenham families remained enemies until death. A few days after Adolphus's death, a fox was caught sneaking into the kitchen of the Cooksboro residence and it was killed. It's just gonna come back as a screech owl. Holy shit. I can't tell you how fast I thought we were gonna move through the phase of him being crazy with animals. That first 20 minutes, I was like, yeah, this is crazy, but good Lord, I mean, where does this go?

No, it is just this dude was crazy with animals. Oh my God. It's pretty normal. It's a story about believing in yourself. Yeah, I mean, you know. So his turkey dad probably died at some point during that story, right? Yeah, his turkey dad. I don't know, turkeys don't live that long. Yeah, turkeys don't live 84 years.

Yeah, they didn't cover it in the... Some reason they didn't cover the death. Whoever wrote this was just like Jesus Christ, I don't know how much more. Why did I start this? I don't know. The main source for this was tales of English eccentrics, fraudsters, cheats, and other disparate characters by Tony Grumley Grenin. Also, Irish eccentrics by Peter Somerville Larch. Probably Larch, I don't know. Yeah, so there you go. And then Tom Cruise went on to create a movement of his own.

Wow. What? Yep. Also, I want to thank the researcher for this, Sharon Sajapur, who did some really great research. Yes, I should say so. Now, let me ask you this. Let's say Donald Trump hits the White House lawn tomorrow and starts claiming that his father is a turkey. Does anything happen? No. That's right. No, it's actually a quid pro crow, in this case.

There was no quid pro crow. Okay. How many of you guys thought I was going to do the potato cannon? Some of you had to have been... Oh, you've had Bloody Sunday? Yeah, it's a little dark. Oh, yeah. Catholic Church? Holy shit. There's some great stuff with nuns and orphanages. Yeah, sir, the story needs resolution, which is not getting... Yeah, that one's not done.

How about an ending to that story? That'd be fun. There's still kids to bugger. When there's no more children, that's when we can do the Irish Catholic Church story. Which is good news, not too far off. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We appreciate it. If you've got the mean, great thing, I don't know what the hell you're supposed to do. Stick around. I don't know what the hell you're supposed to do. Is Glenn here? Where's Glenn?

There you are, buddy.