The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 420 - Holy City (live) with guest Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds are joined by Bert Kreischer to examine William Riker and Holy CitySourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

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This is a bilingual American History podcast for each week. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history in Czechoslovakian to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what's going on or what the topic is going to be about. It's interesting. Did I not tell you this one's in Czechoslovakia? No, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out. Okay, I thought there would be more. I can hear your wrappers. This is like being on Spotify. What kind of candy you got? M&M's? That's fucking good. M&M's are good. What happened over here?

That'll end tonight's crowd work by Dave. It's like a pervy old Grand Serena. I can hear your candy. I can smell your candy too. What kind of candy do you got? What kind of candy is it? Rub it up against the window. No, I'm just knitting under the blanket. No. No. I'm a lonely old soul and soul. I was the Democratic nominee in 2020. They are so gonna replace that old fuck after the convention. Seriously, Joe Biden's going to the convention, then they're gonna make. Okay, thanks Joe. Well, they can just tell him he's president. I have no fucking idea. Totally. You can just build a set and put him in there and he would just. Yeah, you don't even need to build a set.

I mean, he has four walls and a dream. Where's my cabinet? That's your cabinet right there with all the plates in it. Oh. Well, I wanted to talk about war policy. Shut the door. Shut the door. Let's jump. We have a guest. He's hilarious. He has a, is it Netflix? He has, I mean, he has a Netflix special. Is it a new one? Yeah, I don't know. He can tell us when he gets there. Yeah, he's got a new special coming out. Ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreischer. Yeah, gotta be Netflix. There we go. There we go. It's gotta be Netflix. Known as the machine or machina. Oh, yeah. New special Netflix. You got it. You'll get it. You'll get it. One more time from the top.

New special on Netflix airing, St. Paddy's Day, streaming St. Paddy's Day called Hey, Big Boy. Check it out. Very proud of it. Okay. Yeah, there you go. It seemed it seemed like you were going to say more. I felt like I was going to say more. And then I was like, what? I was like, what are you going to just do the special? I have one joke on there that I have one joke that I was I wrote like fucking a year ago, you're like 18 months ago. I've been doing and then now with the coronavirus, it got memed and I'm fucking pissed. I released it on Instagram. Yeah. Joke was, by the way, I know that this isn't going to get a huge laugh in this room. Dumb down, bite your tongue and dumb down for a second. My wife won't

fuck me if if I'm sick. And I was like, that's I fuck her definitely she's sick. She was like, I don't want to get you sick. I was like, we'll practice safe sex. And she's like, you're going to wear a condom. I was like, no, doggy style. So you cough into the wall. You got a cold woman, not AIDS. Anyway, spin around doc holiday now. And then obviously with the coronavirus being so popular, that joke comes out right when the coronavirus hits and then it gets fucking memed. Now I'm like, now I gotta like to find it. It's great medical advice though. There's no better feeling than the one that coughed during sex. My right boys. Well, now it's taking a turn. It's definitely a challenge. They didn't mean that part. Oh,

bear down cowgirl. You must be you seem like a really romantic husband. My wife calls me a misogynist. And I am not once we get the coronavirus test done, I guess we'll do the misogynist test second. Yeah, I'm excited for the first celebrity to get. Yes, 100% first Instagram celebrity. I can't I'm so excited for someone on in Congress to get it. Yeah, that's happening. They're gonna they're old. They're gonna jump like flies. Dude, I've already planned out my Instagram strategy. If I get coronavirus, of course. Oh, yeah. Go to an Airbnb up in the woods, right? Hey, it's Bert day two. With the coronavirus. It's gonna be like I am legend just me in front of a computer in a lab coat. I've been

running a lot of tests on myself. Turns out whiskey is not helping. How far away is he? He's in Big Bear. He's about a 90 minute drive. He's not far at all. He's in Big Bear right now. All right. February 17 1873. William Edward Riker was born in Oakdale, California into a family of six. Can we just call him Riker? I was gonna call him William, but I guess Riker way cooler. Riker. All right. All right. So when was Riker born? Very little is known about his family and childhood. He dropped out of school by the fourth grade. Wow. And his father died when he was 17. What a fucking confident fourth grader. I'm done. I don't

learn cursive. I'm out. There's so much more. I got there just a bit. Feel pretty good. This shit's pretty easy. I'm ready for college. I'm a white man. This world's made for me. Let's do it. I'm in charge now. Oh my God. Sitting on an Apple box on a car just driving down the street. What the hell? He built a car. He invented a car in this scenario for sure. That's right, everybody. It's me, Riker. I'm in the fourth grade. I invented automobiles. This is gonna show how stupid I am with history. He's on his cell phone. I'll fax you later. I'll send you a fax Tommy. All right. Bye bye. Riker out. What's the Wi-Fi? So two years after his dad died, a Riker's mother remarried and they moved to San Francisco. He worked

different jobs. His main income came from selling miscellaneous goods on the street. Sure. He just sold shit on the street. Shoelace. Shoelace for sale. Who needs a string? Come on, guys. I got a bunch of string. I'm trying to move. Those are shoelaces. Uh-uh. Damn it. Look. Get out of here. You're bad for business, guy. Uh, while that Riker became interested in spiritualism and soon, quote, started preaching his divine message on the street corners and in assembly halls everywhere and anywhere that people would listen. Here we go. And we're off. There it is. By the way, I thought this was gonna be so much better when you said spiritualism. I thought you were gonna say spearfishing. And I was like,

oh, I'm gonna like this story. And it took a turn for the worse. Spearfishing. You can do a lot more damage with religion. Don't worry about it. Yeah, the spearfishing story, the guy just goes to an island and spearfishes and that's the end. We should do one for where we do a choose your own adventure, though. Oh my God. Do you want this guy to be religious or spearfisher? I'd like him to be a spearfisher if that's all right with everybody. So Riker was very good looking and intensely magnetic, which attracted crowds, especially young women. Okay. He preached his message up and down the west coast of California, but traveling was expensive and preaching didn't cover the cost. Here we go. So William started charging for

palm readings. There it is. There it is. And then he moved on to mind reading and called himself Professor Riker. By the way, a lot of palm readers are doing that in the corona day and age now. They're moving from palm to mind. That's the move. You're just like, you're just like, why'd you cross out palm? I do mine now. Sit down. Put your hand in your pocket. Here we go. Professor Riker caught on and he went on a national mind reading tour. Awesome. Yeah, that's great. He became a very well-known carnival attraction. I know what you guys are thinking up here. Who picked that shirt out, right? And they're like, that's exactly what I was thinking. I know what you're thinking. This looks like Barney Rubble,

fuck Don Ho. Barney Rubble, fuck Don Ho. Am I right? Sir, what do you do for a living? Just kidding. I already know. Doctor, right? No. Get him out of here. So when he was in Colorado Springs, he met and married a woman named Maureen. A few years later, he met a woman named Bessie Zetty and they married. Sorry. For those of us keeping track of the wives, I think there's two. Yes. Yeah. And there was not an in-between annulment phase. If you meet someone and you fall in love, you get married. Yep. Once. Well. Then you wait for that process. And then say you meet another person. You're like, she's great. Then you marry that one. Nope. That's not, nope. I like this guy's style. All right. There it is. But of course, I'm a misogynist. So they had a son named Francois

Villanue. Which set? Bessie, the second one. Okay. But then Bessie found out that Riker was also had been married before and was still married. Yeah. So she went to the district attorney and filed bigamy charges. Okay. And then Riker fled to Canada. Interesting. By himself or with the first wife? He just took off by himself. Nice. Someone's getting married again. Canadian single. Yeah. Totally. I'm Canadian single, eh? So he's in Canada. He starts touring again as Professor Riker, the mind reader. Quite a mind reader to not see the bigamy charges coming your way and be able to skedaddle a little sooner. And in his spare time, he worked diligently to invent a new ideology, philosophy, and religion, which he then called, quote, the perfect Christian divine way. Oh,

boy. There we go. Bert's intrigued. Bert's like, I'll sign up. I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think, okay, you be Bessie and I'm gonna be Riker. Okay. Know that I'm a mind reader. Tell me you want a divorce. Riker. I know what you're gonna say. Do I even need to tell you where I'm going? Listen, she means nothing to me. Bullshit. That's enough. It's just such a silly joke. Yeah, I know. And it's just ripe for that joke every time. Yeah. Look, she means nothing to me as she's packing her bags. Wait, wait, wait. You forgot your shoes. Be a stranger. I'll be Riker. Ask me what I do for a living. All right. Are you there, sir? What do you do for a living? You are never going to believe this. Oh, my God. I'm just ready to start his island. Let's do this.

So his new religion and philosophy showed people how to get close to God by practicing the following tenets. A separation of the sexes. Abandoning alcohol. Just lost Bert, Jesus. Yeah, I think you lost a lot of people, honestly. Being born again. Total segregation of the races. Jesus Christ. And believing in white supremacy. Well, that list got a little crazier as you went on, didn't it? You definitely figured out a way to give that an echelon. So the classic like Jesus stuff. Yeah. Just do. I mean, yeah, honestly, dudes and ladies separate. Got to really believe in Jesus. Also, white people are better than everybody. Yeah. It's like a Texas. It's a Texas bachelor party is what it is. The tenets of the religion. All you needed to say was you got to get hammered on a boat.

So he was there for five years and he returned to the U.S. He was in Omaha touring and he met and married a woman named Lucille Jensen. Now, we don't know. Okay, we don't know. So potentially the third. We have no idea if he's married or divorced at this point. I think he's still married because he just ran off to Canada. Well, we assume he's divorced. Why? Because I think the women would divorce him and say abandonment. Oh, maybe he doesn't see he dropped out of fourth grade. He doesn't seem like a guy who finishes a lot of things. Yeah, I think I agree. I think he treated it like fourth grade. He's like, I think I'm done with this. Yeah, you don't need to know anything more. And then he just leaves on your under arrest for bigamy. No, I'm over it. I'm gonna get in that

car I made. So he went on tour spreading his message of the perfect Christian divine way. And when the tour was over, he had 11 disciples. Well, he really limited his demographic. I mean, it was like, you've got to be a white, non-drinking man in this time. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, you're well, you could be a woman. You just have to be separate. Yeah, hang out together. Then your parts might rub together. And you guys know that goes. I mean, Bert does it to a little machine in his kitchen, but the rest of us or he works the cough angle. Go to the spray wall. So they all followed him to San Francisco. Oh, it's a great place for guys who don't party and just want to be by themselves with whites. William put his disciples up in a house on Hay Street,

which became the headquarters for the divine way. The commune grew and local cobblers, printers, and general store owners were, quote, thriving and supporting Riker's quest for becoming the great emancipator. So what? That's his goal to be the great emancipator? That's what he said. Yeah. Who's the emancipating? I think white people. Wow. And they needed a lot of that in the 1800s. Yeah, finally. We're free. We're finally kind of break. Cut us loose from all this pussy and alcohol and give it to the blacks. Riker, you sure know what you're doing, friend. You ever think of spearfishing? You ever think about doing that? It might have been a better path. So, William, Riker demanded his disciples call him father and his wife, he made them call her

mother. So, and his wife is allowed to be around? Yeah, yeah, he, oh, he's not separate from no sexes. No, no, of course not. He's the chosen one, right, right. Someone's gotta fuck. Yeah, right. There you go. That's a great commandment. Now, now, now to fund this whole deal, uh, he made them quote, free themselves of worldly concerns. Yeah, I mean, they just talk about a time for them to be like, so can we have alcohol? Or no? Oh, that's how I free myself from my worldly concerns. By the way, this sounds like any black guy's wet dream is give us all the booze and all the bitches and the white guys are gonna get the fuck out of here. Like, okay, I'll take it. Yeah, that's what the reveal at the end of the day was, Riker.

That guy's heard this, he's like, he really doesn't want to be around women at all. Oh, okay. Look at him looking at us from that window up there. He seems happy. Like, it's like orphans looking at gruel. Orphans looking at gruel. Yeah. Oh, man, have you ever seen an orphan look at gruel? You're going to get to in the next few years. Everyone's gonna die. So basically he's, he was saying free themselves of worldly concerns by donating all of their wealth and property to him. To him. Okay, right. So the deal for him, I completely understand.

Yeah, sounds like a pretty good deal for him. Especially rich members like Frida Schwartz, who sold her property and gave all the profits to Riker. Okay. In September of 1918, he filed the articles of incorporation for the perfect Christian divine way. Gotta incorporate. Was the name taken or no? No, got it. The name was available. What was it again? The perfect divine, the perfect Christian divine way. Well, that seems like a popular one. So he's now, he's not officially a business. Right. That year, a woman who lived on Hay Street filed a complaint that the commune's nonstop buzzsaw was too loud. Well, I couldn't find anything else about that. They just had a buzzsaw going on. Leave it. Leave it. That's part of our deal. Leave the buzzsaw on.

Well, no drinking, no fucking buildings could bound to happen at some point. So he had to go to a hearing and at the hearing, the judge asked William, quote, isn't it your principle to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Nope. Right. Riker said, quote, no, our faith is founded on this principle. Mind your own business. Boom. I find you guilty, motherfucker. How's that? Riker's back, baby. Woo. Get me on your shoulders. Come on. Like I won the Super Bowl. Our religion is founded on mind your own business. All right. Our character, our five testaments are kick your fucking ass. God, I fucking love this guy. Keep the buzzsaw on. Get your shit out of here. What the fuck are you looking at?

What kind of candy is that? And no booze, no pussy, no blacks. By 1919, the Divine Way had a lot of money and they bought 75 acres in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Jesus. 10 miles south of Los Gatos. The land was undeveloped and surrounded by force and William had access to building material that had been left over from the 1906 earthquake. So they took it to the mountains and began constructing their own town. Oh, boy. Oh, dear. Riker called it Holy City. Oh, good lord. Holy city. Seems like the first try. Yeah. Well, you couldn't, you couldn't question him. Like he's the authority. What do you guys think about Holy City? And everyone's like, I feel like he didn't try. Unbelievable. We should pitch some other ones. I've got some

really good ideas. Is that one of their other options? No, that'll do it. I think it's pretty good unless anyone wants to speak up, which would be backhanding God in the fucking face. Good. It's great. Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Yeah. Holy city. Really rolls off the tongue there, Riker. That's right. It does. This sign is perfect. We're going to get jackets made too. And it's all we can wear. And if you take it off, it's a sin. Yep. Are you going to wear one? I don't need to wear one. I get to bend the rules. I'm Riker, baby. I'm Riker, baby. That's right, baby. Riker's back. So the Divine Ways membership was now up to 30. All right, everybody. The movement grows. 30 people. Holy shit. I know Holy City. This guy has the same growth as my career in

the 90s. Yeah. Like an egg Twitter account. You imagine being an open-micro with the confidence of God. I'm an open Riker, baby. All right. 30 people. 30 people. Things are moving. 75 acres. You know, a lot of them said you don't need 75 acres in a city for 30 people. I said, you don't know Holy City, Jack. A lot of people said we could do this in one house, but I said, fuck it. 75 acres. 75 acres. Most of the 30 were elderly. Oh, that just adds such a horrible element to this. Excuse me. What did I agree to? Put your jacket on, Dan. Come on. Did he say, holy titty? No, no. All right. There'll be no more questions. There'll be only sitting. My name's Biden. Oh, no. Oh, he's facing the tree. That's a man's freedom.

That is a legal bird. But even other elderly Riker still put him to work. He had them build small, poorly built shacks to live in, and they had to live separate from their spouses. That's two houses I got to build? Yes, that's right. I promise I won't touch her. I just don't know if physically I can build another one. Quit fucking sitting around, yeah, but then get a hammer, old man. Oh, okay. Goodbye, my love. Did he say what time Bingo was? No, no, no. Bingo's when you're done building 19 houses. Oh, well, I'm not close to Bingo. Wait, hold on. I have a question. What was considered elderly in the 1800s? Is it like 35? By the way, I'm definitely elderly in these... A bunch of 43-year-old senior citizens.

I think it's the same. I think it's like 60s. Yeah. It's not a very funny answer, but it's a real answer. Not funny. William... Sorry, Riker lived in a two-story home that overlooked the land. His walls were covered with pictures of his wife, Marilyn Monroe, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Adolf Hitler. What? The Big Five! Oh, my God. All right, once again, I'm going to back up. What year is this? This is every year. And how old's Riker? He's out of high school, right? Well, now we're... Every year since 1900. Well, now we're in the 1900s, so it's 1920, 1920-ish. Well, Marilyn Monroe, what year was she in life? 50s. Oh, God, that is weird. Why did you say Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn Monroe, Abraham Lincoln. He is a mind reader. Steve Jobs.

I see. Every seven years, they'll be an itch. Over a storm drain, she'll protect herself. Maybe that was later on I got put there, but that doesn't make sense. It's got to be wrong. Well, Hitler, too, though. Hitler's in the 30s. Yeah, so it might have been pictures that he put up over time. Okay, so he started like a Rolling Stone gathering, weird moss. Yeah, yeah. Right. Because the house is going to be around for a while. So William advertised Holy City as a religious place. Yeah, I don't think you needed to do that. By the way, it's religiously based. Oh, thank you. But it was more focused on making money. He had his disciples build businesses that would attract tourists like soda stands, art shops, gas station, and restaurants.

You mean all that stuff they have in the cities they live in? But now they have them here. Right. Closer to him, Riker. Right. Not closer to him. Yeah, to Riker. Okay. Yeah, it's good. And what are they building again? A city. But what are they're building gas stations? Did you say they did build the gas station? Yeah. So I just have a bunch of senior citizens build you a 76, no problem. Sure, sure thing. Sure thing. It sounds a lot like cocoon. Well, we're having a bit of trouble with the petrol station, Riker. None of us know what to do. How does that work at all? You know what I'm saying? The car was just becoming popular and a road was built. Thanks to this guy. Yeah.

A road was built from San Jose to Santa Cruz and Holy City put a gas station and garage and a bank there. Wow. William distributed pamphlets advertising Holy City from one quote, the founders of Holy City are the wisest of all wise men. A $10,000. Did someone grow up in Holy City? Like you went to Holy City High back there? Yeah. Built me a high school. Wow, that was change. What was the name of their team mascot in Holy City? Oh, God, the angels. A $10,000 challenge to the whole world who wishes to debate upon the subject of politics or religion and win the debate. Be sure and stop at the Holy City for good eats at city prices. Sorry. The lore is first a debate on government where you can win $10,000, but also get a soda at city

prices. God forbid you get a deal because you're driving 75 miles out of the city. They're getting you city prices. That's right. A city discount. 75 miles out. We come to do everything you could do down the street and Holy City. And we jacked up the prices like there's competition next door. Holy City. Drive over the dead people who are constructing everything. Holy City. William taught that quote, the white man and the Jewish race were supreme while the Negro and Orientals are inferior races. Jesus Christ. Welcome to Holy City where we don't have a basketball team or math. So he believes he has eventually has a picture of Hitler on his wall, but believes that

that his people and the Jews are the chosen people. Right. It's a little contradictory. Well, yeah, the Jewish thing doesn't go along with Hitler much. That's what I'm finding the rub to be. That's where I'm noticing a rub. Yeah. There's a little contradiction there. Well, but you can have heroes and not do everything they do. Let's no, that's a big component of him. That's big. It's the big one. That's the headline. Did Hitler talk about that? Oh, yeah. Okay. We should keep going. Actually, we put a pin in this and come back to it. I like that idea a lot. Celibacy was mandatory and disciples could not mingle with the opposite sex, but different rules for Riker. He was, he then, he then married a second woman named Lillian. Frida Schwartz. Second woman,

there's no Asians there. Second woman in the math works out. Frida. Anyone getting that fucking joke is his fourth fucking wife. Frida. Jesus Christ. No, not in Holy City. Frida Schwartz, who was a mother of eight, was very pissed off when he married a second woman. She was also one of Holy City's biggest donors, and she made allegations that kicked off a federal investigation. Oh boy. Frida. Uh-oh. The cult was indicted for obtaining money under false pretenses and conspiring to corrupt public morals. Frida's husband sued for 10,000 and then local media went into a frenzy. Contradictory stories appeared. One said Frida claimed her husband was given two wives and that their eight children were taken

from them to be raised in the cult. But Riker was able to do this by saying it was how the Schwartz family would get into heaven. Wait. Frida is married, is still married. Frida's married to a guy, and then she just bounced from the marriage with the eight kids, goes to Riker. No, they're both, they both go into the cult with the kids. Oh, okay. The whole family goes in. Okay. He separates them and the kids go off to be raised by the cult, which is the best way to raise them. For sure. Yeah. Let the animals raise them. It takes a village. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Thank you. By the way, I found the loophole in the Jewish thing. What's that? His biggest donor was Frida Schwartz. I guarantee you, it was like, I hate Chinese and blacks and Jay, Frida, what's up?

Hey, your check clear just giving you a heads up and the Jews are okay. I mean, Hitler's got some other ideas about gypsies, but you know. I don't believe I've ever heard Hitler say anything like that, but I'll look it up again, just to make sure. So he gave Frida's husband a new wife. Was he? Is that what he said? Sorry, Adolf Hitler? You write it down. I'm gonna make sure we're spelling this the same way. There's a lot of heads. Hitler's a very popular name in Germany. It's a smith over there. So then she comes there and then he he gives the husband a new lady. So she he's got, you know, two wives. It's a whole thing. Sure.

Sure. So Wrecker was able to do this by saying it was how the Schwartz family would get into heaven. Frida quote, I was not allowed to even mention my children's name again. If I did, they abused me. She also said Wrecker made all the women in Holy City have sex with them. And if they got pregnant, they had to have abortions. I mean, that is such like that. That's just classic cult leader. But I mean, that really is just like the prototype. Yeah, it's also kind of hot. This sounds, this guy's sound very from left field, right? No, I don't think I think everyone's prepared. I feel like there's a lot we could learn from a guy like Riker. Okay, never mind. Confidence wise. Yes. I wish I had the confidence of a cult leader.

Bert, you just walked in from left field like shoeless Joe Jackson. Is this heaven? So Alexander Schwartz said his children were constantly beaten and tied to trees in order to be stretched. Jesus Christ to be stretched. I was not figure out what the fuck that meant. But I think trying to make them bigger. Yeah, he's probably like an iron maiden sort of stretching apparatus. I saw in the Brady bunch. Yeah. Bobby was concerned with his height. And so he stretched every day and it didn't help. I was hoping it was going to be a punishment that they passed down. Get in the iron maiden, Bobby. Alice, no. So local authorities quickly removed four of the

children, including Riker's son from Holy City. But the oldest Schwartz kid said his parents were lying. Without any of the Schwartz children, they wouldn't, the kids wouldn't say anything. They said it was, they said it wasn't true. Right. So without that physical evidence, the judge dismissed the case against William in 1923. So no one knows if the Schwartz claims were legitimate, but the 1920 census shows he was secretly paying rent for house in San Francisco, where he kept seven women, including Frida, separate from their husbands. Oh my God. You gotta have seven. There's seven days in a week. Oh, wait, he was keeping them like a side? No, I think they were, they were cult members. So they were, they were, I don't know if they were

kept, they were just like living with him and he was fucking them all. No pictures. Just for reference, not like. No, I'm sorry. Were there any pictures of the house? I mean, Frida Schwartz doesn't sound sexy. I'm sorry. It's the 1800s and she's an old lady. Not the 1800s. She's got eight fucking kids. What year is it? And her husband gave this guy Riker. Am I reading this story wrong? Well, it's not the 1800s. Yeah, we're in the 1980s. He gave Riker 20 grand and he's like, listen, I need some fucking distance from the old lady. That's what it sounds like. Am I hearing this wrong? I'm not the best listener. Huh? No, that's kind of sounds right. Okay. For those of you listening, that got air quoted.

I'm a horrible listener because my imagination goes off when I start listening. That's why I couldn't read Memoirs of Agatia. Keep going. That got weird. By the way, anytime you want to come on this show and read us Memoirs of Agatia, yeah, it's an open door policy. By the way, you would, I don't think you'd be shocked to hear this, but I am not a good out loud reader. Bert, the door just cracked open a little further. Oh my God. We can do an eight parter. I wrote a book and I had to read the audio book and it took me 25 hours to read it. And it's a five hour audio book. I can't read out loud at all. Oh my God. Oh, you got to start recording audio books. I thought you were going to say you got

to start a foundation for people who can't read out loud. Yeah. Oh yeah. Let's shift to that gear. You know, Bert, that's amazing. And I think you should start a charity and here's why. Do you have a hard time reading out? Oh, God damn it. That's all right. That's all right. We'll go from the top. Here at Chrysher's kids. Go ahead, Bert. Read what the man has on the card. So even with the case dropped, the Schwartz family hoped the negative press would hurt Holy City's tourism and leave it bankrupt. But the opposite happened. Oh boy. Because of the trial, people were now curious and tourists flocked to Holy City. Of course. Riker was part of the draw. He was always in a white suit and sometimes had his

little dog beside him. He walked around the town shouting at tourists, quote, I offer 10,000 anybody who can find the flaw in my 100% arguments. Wait, did you read that right? Yes. Wow. 100% arguments. Yeah. In a white suit with a dog next to it. Yeah. Tourist would not take him up on it and then would start avoiding him. Yeah. What put them off? No, wait, what is, what, what, like if you had to give everyone pick your 100% argument that you would, you're hill to die on your 100% argument, I'll start. Quantum Leap is the best time travel movie TV show ever. I would die on that hill. That's a really good one. It's a fucking great goddamn show. That's a great one. Ziggy, Al. I love yours. Dude. If I

could quantum leap into a moment, I'd quantum leap into you so I could take yours. Are we all doing ours? Wow. Yeah. Let's talk about the leap home. I went to an audition one time and Donald Bellasaro's office was there and I just saw it and I said, isn't he created Quantum Leap? I go, is Mr. Bellasario in? He goes, he is. And his doors open his office. I go, can I talk to him? He goes, do you have a meeting? And he stuck his head out and I go, Mr. Bellasario, I love Quantum Leap. Thank you so much. And I just walked out. Oh my God. I follow his daughter on Instagram. That's creepy. This got really creepy. She's nine. She is. Okay. I do not know how old she is. Stop right there. But now is when you look into the camera and go, oh boy. Oh boy.

So so many tourists were coming to Holy City that was now bringing in $100,000 a year. Wow. With the new money, they built more restaurants, a comfort station and an observatory. Riker had a new billboard. What up? At the entrance quote, Holy City answers all questions and solves all problems. See if you are contemplating marriage, suicide or crime. The big three. Wow. Jesus Christ. One billboard. Yeah. Holy City kept building and they now had a fully equipped garage, super service station, soda stands, an auditorium, a dance ballroom, a lecture hall, a motion picture studio, a Notary public, a Holy City Zoo, a grocery store, a general store, a butcher shop, and more. It was a fully operational town.

It sounds like a child putting together a city. Gotta have a Notary public and a motion picture studio. Yeah. What movies are they shooting? They never shot one. They built a radio station, KFQU. It had programs like a daily 30 minute Swiss Yodeler. That would still work. If you're, I'm telling you right now, if you're still working in that business called Radio, if you put on a show where it was 30 minutes of one Yodeler, not repeating his Yodel once. Even if he repeats it, we're not going to know. Yeah. You're listening to KFQW. The Yodel Hour. That would fucking work. Do you realize how mesmerizing that would be? Just being trapped into hearing a guy Yodel? I might Google that tonight and see if I can find 30

minutes of straight Yodeling. I'm sure you can. For sure. Yeah. I'm sure some shitty comics done as a podcast. Yodelers aren't known for their editing. You'll be fine. I want to hear a Yodeler have an orgasm. I mean, it works. What does it sound like if a Yodeler takes his shit? When do a Yodeler sneezing? This is my impression of a Yodeler ordering breakfast. Yodel, Yodel, Yodel. Do you have pancakes? Oh my God. The guy had some good ideas is what we mean to say. And then the other 24 hours of the day were just silence. There's also town bans, announcements, and then in between, Riker rambled about his philosophy. Man, you look forward to that Yodel Half Hour. When's a Yodeling come back on?

This is my impression of the Yodeler in the office, seeing Riker walk down, realizing Riker's next, you lay off, fuck. And the blacks. The Federado Commission eventually shut it down for not operating in the public interest. But even though he says, I mean, at the FCC is cracking down on a religious fashion. Yeah, you gotta be pretty abysmal. Did the FCC shut them down? I bet the Yodeler was like, did he even hear me Yodeling? Yeah, we found out you were just saying, fuck over and over again, Yosef, and we're not happy about it. Yosef! Even though he was building businesses and he still had not built a church, but Riker kept claiming... You can't do it after the mall.

Yeah, yeah. Riker kept claiming Holy City was a religious sanctuary, but locals didn't see it that way. One described it as nothing more than a, quote, white supremacist hangout attached to a roadside attraction. And sure enough, Riker soon put up another billboard, quote, our California belongs only to the white race. It must be purged of this deadly, polluting, oriental disease. Oh my God. Hey, let's stop there. A billboard. A billboard. Yeah. What are you thinking for the second one, Riker? I think we go bigger. Bolder. Something that gets the people talking. In 1928, Evelyn Rosencrantz claimed,

Riker had lived with her for two months in Palm City, and he had promised a marier. She wanted to sue for breach of promise. He had been immediately attracted to her when he met her. Holy City member, quote, she told him she had been forced to serve a term in prison for forgery to save her 21 year old son, and Riker believed her. But she'd actually been put in San Quentin three times for cashing bad checks. So we're just, we've abandoned the premise that he is a mind reader in any capacity, right? He's now just a shithead, right? He was a liar. Okay. Riker didn't care about her past. He gave her a copy of his Diamond Key book, which included the 10 Commandments for Women Living in the Divine Way. Little bit revised.

Now, when she threatened to sue, Riker did everything he could to get the book back, but the media got ahold of it. Oh, no, his shady 10 Commandments. Evelyn next claimed Riker had promised to make her a star of a movie called The Perfect Woman, and after was going to fly her to Rome in a custom plane named Spirit of Love. So she's really fallen for just bullshit. Like she's an idiot. Yeah. Well, I mean, he built a mall. So, you know, you're sort of like, he might have a plane. And Holy City didn't have the movie studio. Yeah, exactly. Although it was never used and it was turned into a dorm. Well, still, I mean, that happens all the time in Hollywood. It's a crazy town.

I mean, Burt met a Bellisario. So it's a crazy world. Yeah, I have a production company. We don't even know our office. Yeah, see? That's the opposite. He's got the opposite issue. You throw Burt in Holy City. Holy shit, do you have a marriage? Jesus. Yeah, except I like Chinese food. Well, that's it. I'm going through a big Asian kick right now. Like, food-wise, it's like they know my tongue. Sure, sure. Oh, my God. Please never say that again to another human being. I feel like Alexis heard that before. I know your tongue, Burt. Yes, baby girl. Burt, are you talking to Alexa again? Face the wall! I just feel like Burt's Alexa is the first Alexa that's cried. Or that you've seen, like, trying to get out. Is she trying to get out

through the goddamn door again? How does she do that? There's claw marks on the wall. The lawsuit ended suddenly when Evelyn was sent to San Quentin jail for trying to cash another bad check. It was her fourth offense, so she was sentenced to life without parole. Wow, he keeps lucking out. Wow. Bad checks. Jesus Christ. Now, Riker lost a lot of money fighting the lawsuit, so he demanded even more from his disciples. At this time, he also... And the numbers are, what, now, like 38? 29? Oh, I don't know what they are now. It's gonna get up there. He's hemorrhaging them because they're all old as fuck. Yeah, right, yeah. At this time, he also got super into Cadillacs. That's a phase you want to go through when you're financially unstable.

Your Cadillac phase. He started buying and collecting them. He quickly became known for driving recklessly around town and getting dozens of tickets in one year in Santa Cruz. Okay, I was gonna say, holy city. He's gonna be like, officer. Oh, sorry, Riker. The rules are rules. Come on, Jimmy, it's me. I'm afraid not, Riker. How about a fuck your wife? Well, you already have, Riker, and that brings me to the citation. You're a real piece of shit, Riker. You and that little weird dog ears, aren't you? You dickhole. That'll be five spirit credits. In 1928, in Santa Cruz, Riker ran over two pedestrians. Hey, hey, it happens. By the way, mind you, he did not have a cell phone in his hand. He was just

staring at the road and ran over. I mean, imagine. Oh, my God. He broke both their legs and they suffered internal injuries. He got a fine and tickets that he paid in. That's it. Yep, there you go. Four bad checks, jail for life. Running people over. Running people over with your Cadillac, billed on fake religious money. Hey, slap on the wrist. On your way, white man. He was pulled over in San Mateo for driving on the wrong side of the road while doing 40 miles an hour in a 20 zone. To be fair in heaven, that's the side we drive on. He was fined $10. When he paid the ticket, the police said, quote, the king of Holy City launched into a fervent sermon on his religious teachings. So he was just swearing. Yeah, it would be hilarious. He was like, you

want to hear irony? He hates Asians, but he drives like one. It's the joke was meant for the 30s assholes, not today. God, open your fucking minds. That was quite a switcheroo. You just pulled their bird. I know. I saw myself in a hole and I went, how do I get out? Stand on their shoulders. I can't believe you won people over that. Oh, it's fair. He didn't think he was in the 30s. He was just in the 1800s. He's like a quantum leaper up there. Alas, a goddess banker said Riker would drive up to the local bank in the Cadillac with his dog, and the dog would wait in the car, quote, while his master was doing his banking. Riker brought in all the cash and had yellow checks made up with a picture of Jesus in one

corner. He would sit and talk and talk, boring anyone with an ear shot with his ramblings and divine thoughts. When his dog got tired of waiting in the car, he would put his pop on the horn and blast away. Why is that dog not leading the cult? That dog. That's the guy. Holy shit. And then Riker would come out of the bank. Yes. Fucking apparently Riker treated this dog better than he treated anyone else. Yes. This dog had the balls to be like, grab it up, fucking jackass. By the way, if you work, if you work in that bank from the second he comes in, you're just like that dog better honk that gun. Haunt that horn dog. Come on dog, honk the horn. Hey Billy, run out the back, go over to the horn, honk it. You know the thing I understood

about free lollipops in the bank? I'll tell you another thing, and this is a bit religious too, not to get all pious on you. You just put those checks over there, Deb. Ah, bummer. Just getting warmed up with y'all. Well, my only friend there. Oh, Jesus, dogs being a real dickhead. All right, well, I was going to wrap it up. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Well, we got to put a pin on this. Hey Riker, get out of here. All right, all right, I got to go, I got to go. Jesus. You bad boy. What kind of dog was it? I don't know, I never found that. It was a man in a suit. Man in a suit. When the Great Depression hit, Holy City served over 42,000 meals to transience

in exchange for an hour of work. Despite the times, Holy City thrived. Some visitors even likened it to a theme park. Quote, they were confronted with- Look at the racist veil. They were confronted with signs, placards, loud music, and Riker himself preaching for his perfect philosophy to anyone who would listen. And even if they didn't listen, you could eat, drink, gas your car, and look at the penny peep shows which offered temptations such as the crudely made legs of Queen Elizabeth of Egypt. What? Wait, hold on. What loopholes? Loopholy City is what you're fucking business. But can you, you can't get, you don't get free gas there. No, you don't get free gas. No, you get free, I mean, if you sit there and listen to

this guy just ramble on, you get free food. Yeah, you could eat. Right. But then in this town of piousness, they also have peep shows. Penny peep shows. Penny peep shows. But you would look at the legs of- The Queen Elizabeth of Egypt. Sure. Okay. Just wanted to make sure, because a lot came at us there, so- The famous Queen Elizabeth of Egypt. Yeah, of course. I'm not up on my history. Well, I don't think, I don't believe- That's not a, but that never happened. I'm a sarcophagus. Rip my brain out through my head once I've passed. Put me in a tomb for mummification. Stuff my brain with spices and tea.

And a couple of cubes of sugar on the side. In 1929, the IRS declared Holy City no longer tax exempt as a religion because none of their profits were from donations. So Riker came up with a plan to get the tax exemptions back. He hired a carnival promoter. Oh, there you go. I like the angle. God, I love this guy. The carnival promoter thought Riker was out of his mind and went and told the San Francisco examiner of his plan. The examiner had two- He thinks he's out of mind. Yeah, I mean- If you didn't like the Asian driving joke, you're not gonna like this one.

Oh, no. This guy's out of his fucking mind. He's opening the theme park and he's on a little nation's end. How the fuck are we gonna turn a dollar here? I also think that like for a carnival barker to be like, this guy's out of his mind. And what do you do? I guess wait in shepherd lions. And this guy, he's wackadoodle. So the San Francisco- And that's how he walked into the San Francisco. He was just like, hey, hey, hey, hey. All right, that's it. Go ahead. So the examiner had two reporters pretend to be con men and they set up a meeting with Riker in a hotel room while in an adjoining room, a stenographer, a judge, and a physician listened in. A physician? Medically speaking. Why am I here?

Does anyone know? God damn it. I said magician. Not a fuck. Who brought the doctor? I do do a handkerchief gag, if I may. In the room, Riker told the reporters he wanted to build a 17,000 person amphitheater and he would market the amphitheater as a church, take donations from the audience and get his tax exemption status back. Do you guys hear typing next door? I swear to God. Not everyone got that joke. That's too funny. It sounds like there's a stenographer. Like literally, like, listen, every time I pause, it stops. And then when I start again, she's doing it again. You hear that right there? I mean, I'm not saying it's a sheet for sure. I don't want to be that guy.

Sally's L.C. is over by the seashore. See how fast that went? They must be on vacation. Anyway, she's not letting loose. What was I saying? 17,000 person amphitheater. That's the one. So there he would set up elaborate smoke and mirror contraptions to perform magic, secretly hook audience members up to wires and make them levitate. He was going to have secretly hook them up to wires. So drug them heavily. A miracle. She has prison. Who knew? I'm merely a vehicle for these. He was going to have divine way members fake disabilities and then heal them. He said, quote, my people will do anything I tell them to do. To them, I am God. The undercover reporters asked him why he wanted to do this. And he said, quote,

there are three kinds of people, those with dough, the intelligent ones and those without dough. Wait, that seems like there should be more. Yeah, it definitely feels like he meant four on his list and he had three. Well, he's saying so he's saying you either have money or you're smart or you don't have money. Yeah. So shouldn't he say intelligent with money? There's like, I think Bert's right. The list is shut up. Look, there's three types of people, people who drive, people who eat Chinese food and people who like dogs. That's it. Oh, dear. By the way, I'm just stupid enough to hear those lists of

three people and not hear that and go, I wonder which one I am. I got money. Was that a compliment? The reporters wanted to see how he would take it. So one lived in Holy City for a week acting as a contractor planning construction for the amphitheater. I think they sent another reporter. So the reporters then wrote articles and they came out and Riker denied it and said he knew about the reporter's deception all along. Mm-hmm. The amphitheater was never built, but Holy City saw another massive spike in tourism because of the articles. Sky bounces back once again. Yeah, we are just the stupidest people. William decided to publish more pamphlets and now charge for them from a pamphlet titled...

Can you imagine someone charging? I'd be like, you go fuck yourself forever. Charge me for a pamphlet. This one's about fucking yourself forever. How much? It's five bucks. Yeah, yeah. I'll take five. That's a ripoff. The final wisdom, it was called the final wisdom and understanding for you. Quote, mortal woman is man's only legitimate enemy. All right, strong opener. And mortal man is her only legitimate undeveloped child. In the end, in the end, when developed, both will be human beings at peace and not arguing men and women.

It feels like he has like the poem magnets. And someone just put those together and was like, that'll work. Yeah. Sounds like he's doing that click bait before anyone else. I read that, I go, mortal man is that I go, well, I gotta read this fucking thing. It's a slide of 18. Just keep clicking the arrow. Every three will be an advertisement. Why did I do this shit? See how much pressure, wait, precious loss. Did you have you done that one? Oh, I mean, any of them were, yeah, if you're just fucking every time I start, I'm like, how good did you look?

Yeah. I'm like, God damn it. 18, you're like 17. Oh, the jail. I already saw that picture. Fuck these things. Okay, by 1930, Holy city had over 300 members living there. Wow. Wow. Most were men. Weird. Weird. Boner city. God. None of them got pay, but they got room and board and they had to do tasks to upkeep Holy City. Holy city continued to thrive through the early thirties. It avoided publicity. Only

Riker's car accidents were an issue, but he somehow was never seriously injured and never killed anyone he hit. By the way, I gotta admit, I lived in something like Holy City in college. It was called a fraternity. We didn't get paid. We got yelled at. We couldn't fuck. This is starting to make sense to me. Our president was a fucking asshole. He had a dog. Oh, my fraternity brothers. Fuck my girlfriend. God, what a terrible fraternity. No, it's just called Holy City.

Religion. Oh, fuck. In 1935, Riker wrote to president Roosevelt. Finally, contact. He claimed that he could, quote, make kings and queens out of all sane-minded white people, and the country could be turned into a paradise on short notice. For some reason, Roosevelt never responded. Yeah. Roosevelt, like, turned to an aid and was like, invent the paper shredder. Riker published a 22-page pamphlet called The Emancipator and demanded all disciples call on that. These are shaking the pamphlet label. Yeah, he's really. The pamphlet was about running

for governor, which he then did. Perfect. He listed himself on the ballot as, quote, Caucasian reactionary, very conservative, isolated, anti-Semite Catholic. Oh, so he's turned against the Jews now. No, even though he wasn't Catholic and still like Jewish people, he just thought it would be a good way to get votes. Oh, yeah. It's just, it's smart marketing. It's just a smart marketing. Just feel in the room, man. I know what's going on. It's branding. It's the vote for someone else campaign. That's right. Yeah. He lost the election in a landslide. What? No.

And then he found a new person to write to, Adolf Hitler. Oh, my Lord. Here we go. Quite a turnaround when you get rebuffed by Roosevelt. You're like, you know what I'll do instead? Hitler. Dearest Adolf, I'm sure you hear this all the time. And ever I have a pen pal. He'd come to bed. No, no, no. Riker's writing me again. Oh, you boys. I don't think he really doesn't like Jews personally. The way, I don't, what accident am I doing now? I just, I'm still astounded. You know who Eva is.

Hair Riker. I couldn't tell you her last name. Right now I went, is it Braun or Gardner? It's Braun. Braun. Gardner. Everyone Hitler is dating Eva Gardner. Oh, my God. Talk about a quantum leap. You know, Hitler had a dog. Yeah. It backfired on him because he went to go pet it and the dog was like, because obviously he's Hitler and I'm sure he beat the fuck out of the dog.

Oh, just, oh my God. Now people have, oh no. Hitler beats dogs really? It's fucking Hitler. That's it. Oh, my God. He beats dogs. I don't like him one bit anymore. I hung in there as long as I could, but you put the fear of God in animals. You've made an enemy, mister. Oh, God. Fool me 16 times. Shame on me. He didn't like dogs. That monster. Now you've checked my box.

That's it. Don't touch your face. He's crying. He's got to. Don't touch your face, man. Oh, no, no. Touch it all over and say we gave you the coronavirus, man. This show is so funny. I just got it. So he starts writing date off Hitler. William thought Hitler was a like-minded soul and referred to him as his honor, his excellency, and a second Martin Luther. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Second Martin. Oh, different Martin Luther. Yes, yes. A distinction must be made. I heard that and I went, wait. And then I was like, you know, he does time travel because he had all these pictures up there. Hitler's like, well, that one I don't see, but okay, whatever you say. In one letter, Riker wrote, quote, your opportunity is now ripe. When and when it is done, you will prove yourself to the greatest character that has ever lived since the time of Jesus Christ. You will not only succeed in whipping all enemies,

but will cause yourself and millions of others to experience happiness far greater than words will explain. My name is Riker and I'm a mind reader. That actually was kind of the opposite of what happened. Yeah. Hitler never wrote back. He never wrote back. See, that is, then it is. I mean, it was already sad, but then it's like really sad. Oh, my God. Getting ghosted by Hitler. Yeah, like writing fan letters to Adolf Hitler and then being like, he rebuffed me.

Like, oh, so Hitler doesn't even find you interesting. A few years later, during the war, some American soldiers visited Holy City and William ran out to greet them. And then he asked them to abandon their fight against Hitler and allow him to take over Europe so America could focus on defeating, quote, the non-white Japanese military. Also, if you guys want a movie, we have a movie house. If you're worried what you're going to do after you've abandoned your mission. Do you like to fuck elderly?

He handed them pamphlets, which he wanted them to distribute at a moffat field, which is the base, and said, quote, Hitler had adopted some of my ideas. Yeah. Yeah, he's not the kind of right back friend, but he's definitely the adopter policies because he read your shit for sure kind of friend. I'm not crazy. We drive on the left side here, by the way. I'm the only one who drives. He's like, I had a joke about doggy style with my wife and then Hitler put out a meme the next day. And I'm a hundred percent that he aggregated that from me. It's a hundred percent. The soldiers did not take the pamphlets and hand them out, but instead went and told the FBI

who charged William Riker with sedition. At the beginning. You mean he drugged them and. Yeah, I want to be sedated. At the beginning of the trial, Riker was not happy with his lawyer and he fired him. He hired an up and coming young lawyer named Marvin. Oh, sorry, Melvin Belli. Belli's defense tactic was to downplay Riker's influence and intelligence. He repeatedly during the trial called Riker a crackpot. Oh, and that is so perfect because for Riker, a man purely fueled by ego,

to have to sit there and constantly have him disparage him and he's paying him. He's like, I mean, look at this idiot. This idiot doesn't know anything. Look at him looking at me right now grinding his teeth like a dumbass. Look at this stupid, stupid shit. I'm Riker. I wish he was smart enough to pull off some of these things. But unfortunately, my client is just far too stupid. You dumb shit.

Ah, rest your honor. Let me tell my client. I'm a done-asking questions now. No, he's a fucking idiot. Belli said, quote, his efforts were pitiful and pathetic, but they were not seditious and it worked. He was not convicted. Wow, this dude. Wow. Witnesses said he left, quote, the courtroom with a small American flag in his pocket

and climbed into his red, white and blue sedan and dripped away. Where he hit nine reporters on the way out. But Riker was not happy, even though he was acquitted. He resented Belli, calling him a crackpot repeatedly. Yep. See, he's like that son of a bitch. So when Belli asked Riker to pay his $5,000 bill, Riker said, quote, my son, I shall reward you with a seat in my kingdom of heaven, and that is far more amuletment, amuletment, I don't know,

than a paltry $5,000. Belli then sued Riker and easily won. He gave him the Caddyshack Bill Murray dollar. I was just fucking thinking that. On my deathbed. Yeah, I mean, it's like- I want to get complete and total consciousness. You're going to get that going for me.

So he, Jay, that is this movie. He's like, I'm not going to give you any earthly money. But when I'm in heaven, you can hang out in the kingdom, okay? Basically. Crackpot who? 40 virgins. Yeah, I think the whole nine. You're going to love it.

I miss Peter. Sorry. He was now, he's not now started really hemorrhage members from Holy City. Uh, a big part of this was because of his behavior. There were now 75 men and four women. Oh, those four women were like, all right, don't break the circle back to back. Hold your knives out.

We're going to get the fuck out of here, girls. Keep moving. Nobody take your eyes off them. Most of you guys are like, there we go. All right, rotate, rotate, rotate. I have a horrible massage and it's choking my head. Don't say it.

Don't say it, Bert. I would honestly watch a special of Bert telling himself jokes at his head and reacting. Yeah. Do you realize how many bad jokes I've dropped, but how many I've edited fucking out? Riker would love the jokes going on in my head. He's with all of us. In 1940, construction of Highway 17 was finished.

It went from Santa Cruz to Los Gatos, and it completely bypassed Holy City entirely. I don't know. Holy City's tourism profits plummeted. Then America began rationing gas for the war. That was Holy City's second source of income, and Holy City was now not turning a profit, but instead blowing through money.

To try and reignite interest in Holy City, Riker started touring and preaching again. But everyone was more concerned about World War Two than the speeches of a white supremacist. You can always catch that on the side. You know what I mean? That's always popular. They were a little focused on it still, just not Rikers.

One day, Riker came into the Holy City bar and saw a bottle of Scotch labeled black and white. The bartender said he... Separate that label! Separate that label, boy! Well, the bartender said Riker exploded into a rage and demanded the bartender turn it around so no one could see the colors mingling.

Oh, my... Seriously? In my head. Well, that did not match up with reality. Because it's alcohol and... Yeah, they have a bar? What sort of tenements they're left? I don't know.

So... No drinking! Coming out into the saloon! No fucking! We got a peep show! Riker began to grow paranoid that unspecified enemy planes are going to drop bombs on Holy City.

So... So we're... Finally, we've arrived. Yeah. So he had some disciples build emergency ladders on the sides of all the buildings. Yeah, that helps with bombs. Get closer to the bombs!

Sorry, they're coming! Hold on, hold on! Get on the roofs! They... Hang on, I was kind of listening. He had them paint ladders on the... Build. Oh, oh, oh!

It's so much better the way I heard it. Honestly, what you're pitching makes more sense. Paint ladders! He's pitching a Wiley Coyote cartoon. Yeah, yeah! All right, here's what you do. Draw a cliff and we'll walk over it. As long as nobody looks down

and learns about gravity, we're gonna be fine. Paint ladders! The disciples were now also on edge. According to a paper, quote, fatally bludgeoned with an iron bar during an argument over how emergency fire ladders were to be constructed on holy city buildings,

was Joseph Witzig, 58, a carpenter. He died shortly after being clubbed by I.B. Fisher, 60, who also seriously injured Arthur Katzner, 62, before running away into the mountains. What senior warfare! 62 hammer murdering! Yeah, Jesus! And then off to the mountains

for what would I assume would be a death that evening. You can't be running to the hills in your 60s! Oh, shit! My meds! Well, he ended up turning himself into authorities and got five years in San Quentin. The sentencing used to just be so bananas! Oh, you killed the guy so...

With a hammer! Five. You killed the guy with a hammer! Five years. But... He gets to San Quentin and he goes, well, at least there's no Alcora women, but... Oh, fuck. I'm fucked on the other ones.

He was warned to never return to holy city again, which he did. In 1942, Riker ran again for governor and lost again by landslide. And he would run again in 1946. The San Francisco Chronicle, quote, Riker's platform as indicated by his paid ads stresses racial issues.

He wants to protect the white race from all others. Yeah. You just don't say it out loud anymore. Well, we do now. Yeah, our politics... No, that's the key to a politician. You don't put it in ad. It's behind closed door talk.

Give it... Wait till this year finishes and then say that. You wait till this year finishes. You fucking wait till this year finishes. Bert, hold my mic. I'm gonna hammer beat Dave like I'm 62 and got a date with the woods. In December of 1947, an officer,

officer, a niece went to a bar in San Jose. He found a trail of blood leading all the way to a nearby shanty house. That really happened? He knocked on the door and William's son, Francois, entered. Francois had a broken ankle, head and chest wounds, bruising all over his body and cuts on his face.

Francois said he had left the divine way years ago, but some members found him and tried to convince him to return. He declined so they brutally beat him. Francois's besties, son. He's right, he's right. I was listening. By the way, I'm pretty drunk right now. When niece asked him to identify the assailants,

Francois declined, quote, he would have killed me if I did. He didn't want the police involved. It's the fucking four 60-year-old white guys covered in blood. Who the fuck do you think it is? I mean, honestly, this gang of 60-year-olds. That's right. We got irons and hammers and wrenches.

And that fucking around. No one ever taught us golf. That's right. We'll meet at dusk. I go to sleep at dusk. All right, we'll meet a little before dusk for Andy. Andy, what time would work? I made a boom, boom.

I think we got to cut Andy out of the mission. Andy's a liability. He's cutting into the diaper budget way too much. Do you guys want to lay down on the grass? Give me the hammer. Close your eyes, Andy. You're going to make boom, boom forever now, pal. I learned to close my eyes.

You're going to love the next phase then, brother. Some tourists recall that in the early years of Holy City, Riker would often tell visitors and his disciples, quote, I had a son, but thank God I got rid of him. It's Francois. Yeah. Okay, interesting. But days after the attack, Francois changed his mind

and he identified cult member, Jack Cobrenson, who was charged with assault and jailed, and then Francois disappeared. By the late 40s, Holy City was barely functioning. From the San Francisco Chronicle 1948, the only establishment in town which still looks prosperous is and well kept, prosperous and well kept is Riker's home, which stands on a knoll at the head of the main and only street.

Riker took care of Riker. A mere 20 of the original 200 converts remain in the colony and most of these totter vacant eyed. One of these, Riker, found waiting for him outside his house one morning not so long ago. He was hanging dead from a tree which stands at his doorway. So Morales Low. So 19 are left.

Morales Low. He did it right in front of his front door. No note, no note. This is what I think. I wonder if there's some sort of meaning behind this. And you know how old white guys get, they go, this used to be better when I was a kid. You know that that's all they did every fucking night.

Sober as fuck. 20 years ago, this place was fucking slamming. It's just, no gas, hard ons the whole year. What do you think Ada Schwartz is doing now? Freeda, I mean. Either one. Freeda sucked his dick. Freeda, Freeda, never mind.

On July 4th, 1950, Lucille Riker had a stroke and fell into a 19 coma and died at the age of 76. Who did? His first wife. Fuck, she's still around. Well, the first one he married after he came back from Canada, so the third wife. Third, cumulative, right.

He has four. So by the mid-50s, with his wife dead and Hitler dead, William had no one to write to. Boy, you got another wife and your list of a wife and Hitler has left you nobody to talk to. That's how you know you're pretty low on friends. So he started sending letters to different U.S. Oh, whoever the next person to get this is not good.

He's on the rebound from being a pen pal. Oh. This is going to be a purge. He started writing letters to different U.S. government officials and to the Kremlin. Jesus. Specifically to Georgie Melankoff, Stalin's successor. Quote, decide to write you an interest letter.

These. Way too casual. Ah, I mean. Yo, bro, what's up? To the Kremlin. Hey, buddy. Decided to write you an interest letter. Will you check this box if you want to write back?

Besides sending you a couple of copies of special letters that I wrote and sent to our president, and also copy a letter sent to the Chief Justice, I believe that you will enjoy reading them. Here are letters that other people didn't want to read that were to them and about them. Maybe you can read them. Is this a weird way to start a friendship?

These same kind of copies also have been sent to many other big officials that sit in the saddle throughout the world. In the letter, Riker wrote about his four steps to becoming progressive and beautiful in thought and spirit. The first three steps were vague comments about government striving to reach perfection, but the fourth is the most detailed.

Quote, bring or to cause all of the different nationalities of the great gentile white race of people throughout this world to be and to come under one all-new white race man, beautiful flag. That is sure to cause a 100% honey making situation. And honey making? Wait, these are his words or your words? No, these are his words.

This is a, hold on one second. I might have my new favorite thing to say. Who's up for a honey making situation? That is fucking brilliant. Just when I think I can't listen to anything this guy says, he says something golden like that? I know. I just feel so sorry for your wife.

She'll be in the middle of a honey making situation tonight. Honey making situation. A one fucker. A 100% honey making situation. Oh my God. How did I miss that? I will be using that a lot. A 100% honey making situation.

Oh shit. That's a pimp talk right there. All right, bitches. Who's up for a 100% honey making situation? Fuck. How did the Kremlin not, I bet it was in translation. They didn't get it. They're like, he wants to buy bees, but?

As he's saying, if I have bees to protect their queen, it's probable. Stalin? By the way, how do I not do a Russian accent? I don't know. It always sounds like Dracula. You got a new catchphrase. You know, you got a new catchphrase. Don't be so hard on yourself.

All right. So, that is sure to cause a 100% honey making situation. Can I, can I please, right now, can I say this on the podcast? I am going to make t-shirts that say 100% honey making situation. Oh, that's great. That is the 100% honey making situation. That is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. By the way, is that fucking weird that this lunatic connects with me?

He's checked a couple of boxes for you, Bert. I want to read one of his pamphlets now. After the fact, you're like, this guy's pretty good. That is sure to cause a 100% honey making situation and condition to come and be in this entire world that is also symbolic to a honey making beehive with its all-inspiring and life-giving queen bee that rules in her honey making hive. He finished respectfully. He over killed it.

Yeah, respectfully submitted Father W.E. Riker. He could have made that letter so much better if he was like, yo, are you into a 100% honey making situation? Hit me up. Riker, Riker. In 1956, Riker found a new business partner, Maurice Klein, a music director from Hollywood. Riker called Klein the quote, New Jewish Messiah. Boy, what a complex relationship with the Jews he's had, huh?

He sold Klein half the ownership of Holy City, and Riker broke his hip in a car accident while he was healing in a rest home. A fire broke out in Holy City's largest hall and burned it to the ground. A lot of William's writings were lost. Oh, no. Fucking shit. Stalin had them all, don't worry. In 1957, Riker sold the other half of Holy City to Klein on the condition that no one

preached within its borders. Riker was worried Klein was going to take his disciples from him, so he sent six of them to meet Klein. This did not go well. Memored Winifred Allington, quote, after hearing Klein, new owner of Holy City, outline and express his hopes for the future, Riker, Mrs. Allington declared, we all are well satisfied with the charge and feel that at last we are on the main track.

We have been on detour long enough. So they all were like, this guy. Way better. We'll do it. But if we did Klein. Yeah, they all went over to Klein. Okay, really easily to what the Jewish Messiah. Yes, the Jewish Messiah.

Spilling groove mixed. That's right. 100% honey making situation. Oh, but a few months later, Riker regretted selling and went to the Santa Clara Superior Court to get his property back. The legal fight went on for two years. The state of California ruled that Maurice Klein was the sole owner of Holy City. Klein started tearing down buildings and remodeling them, only keeping the original

restaurant, but nothing was bringing back the tourists. Soon the town was unincorporated. Another fire broke out. Other building was destroyed. San Francisco Chronicle quote. Jim Edmondson, who runs the garage at Holy City, reported that he received an anonymous call Thursday from a caller who had already caused about 2,500 in damage to the garage and another building.

It was the second major fire in three months. Maurice Klein reported that he received threats by mail and telephone that the community would be burned. So Riker was behind it. Riker's burning buildings and threatening. Right. He's just slowly burning Holy City down by itself. With a broken hip.

With a broken hip. Just hobbling through the woods. Yeah, identifiable Cadillacs that he's just turning the lights off like a mile from the property. And I stood up for you Jews against Hitler. In 1966 William Riker was now in his 90s and confined to a wheelchair. I'll still get him. 90 years old. Yeah, he only had a few disciples left.

Racists have the longest life span. Oh, it's crazy. Like they always lived to their 90s. Yeah, it just keeps them going. Fucking 90. Yeah, he shot. This is before blood pressure medicine. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's an anomaly. Didn't have Alzheimer's. Didn't have cancer. Didn't fucking 90. 90. Yeah.

Maybe there is a God. It's like, maybe what if he was right? The God's like, you're the only one who got it. Who else was crazy? Well, he's in his 90s, not just 90. So he shocked all his disciples that were left when he suddenly converted to Catholicism. I'm Catholic. I'm Catholic now.

Go home. Nah, it was wrong. Go home. Holy fuck. The register. That's the name of the new city. By the way, this story only ends perfect if he lives to B100. Well, Dave.

The register on July 29, 1966, William E. Riker, founder of Holy City, a cultist retreat off Highway 17, south of Los Gatos, yesterday was conditionally baptized as a Catholic. Riker who was 94, used to call himself the wisest man on earth and the leader of the way, said it was becoming a Catholic. I was intelligently converted. I've been living a celibate life for 10 years. I can't imagine. It's a weird thing to tell in paper.

Yeah, and also at 94 being like, now I know. And with the Adjina, you must have dunking a 94-year-old into water. You've got to be like, we got to get him up right away, okay? One, two, three, go up, right? The two witnesses at his conversion ceremony were his first two disciples, I.B. Fisher, the murderer, and Stephen Ronson. What year is this? Really hanging in there.

This is 1966. Holy shit. Riker made his final billboard. Quote. Fuck everything. What? Where am I? Biden.

Biden, 2020. Where am I? I wish I knew more about politics. Honestly, don't. No, it's not great. So it's final billboard. Quote. Noah announced the flood and the messiah

is now announcing the plague to sweep the earth. Noah got the animals together in their prior, in their proper place after the plague. Great billboard, man. I kind of wish you had backed your old racist ones. I got to be honest. So does someone have to build the human arc? Nobody knows.

Everybody's just left with that puzzling feeling of like, what was he saying? Speaking of arc, when does this story get to Riker's Island? That's where we were. That's where we've been living. And this whole fucking time, I was like, how did he start this island? I get it.

Just hold out. William Riker died from a heart attack on December 3, 1969, at 96 years old. So close. So close to the fucking perfect sentence. Yeah, he had been sent to a state hospital four months prior, quote, because of his extreme age and inability to get along with anyone in private rest homes.

That tracks. He had three disciples left. Who are these people? Now, go away. Leave me alone. He has spoken. Did mashed potatoes got too much skin in them? We must fix his potato dish.

He is the chosen one. No, I'm not. I was lying. I'm Catholic now. Jesus Christ. We're all Catholic with you, sir. Riker, we will follow you anywhere. God, get the fuck away from me.

Ah, get away from him, but not too far, because we're still his disciples. He's the chosen one. We're not going to be around a guy like that. I've been it feels so good to be a disciple. To just have no doubt and just be like, no, that's my dude. Oh, rider fucking die.

Why won't someone start a cult now? I'm in. Oh, Bert, they're out there. Don't worry about that. Yeah, you'll get one. Yours is coming. Hey, hit me up at RomeoHorseCop.com. If you've got a cult and you need like some press.

I am fucking buzzed. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's like your cult. You could start your own. You don't need someone to initiate a group. You can start. I lack the confidence. You've got to get my pamphlet.

A lot of times they'll be like, you guys showed up again today? God, I can't believe it. Look, people are begging for it. Begging for it. Do it. This is not. Most people have to start from with nothing.

They start a cult with nothing. But I wouldn't want to have sex with other people's wives. I just want to run bits by them. No, seriously. He puts us in a room and just runs new bits by us. By the end of the week, they'll be like, do you just want to fuck my wife? Would that be easier?

Francois was not listed in his obituary. Ownership of Holy City switched hands various times over the years, but no one developed it. It became more and more of a ghost town. As of 2015, only one building remained in Holy City, a glass art shop with a sign that reads, Holy City Art, Glass, Holy City, California. In 2016, Robert and Patricia Duggan bought the land

for $6 million, half the asking price. Since Patricia Duggan is an artist, Robert Duggan is an entrepreneur in surgical robotics, ethernet innovations, and biotech. He recently made $3.5 billion after selling an oncology drug to the pharmaceutical research and development company, AbbVie. As of 2013, after a shocking $20 million donation, Robert Duggan is the largest financial supporter

of the Church of Scientology. Wait a second, David. Are they building the human arc? I don't know, man. Are you talking about a squeak wool? I don't know. What? Dave? I don't know, babe. What? That's a crazy, that's not an ending.

That's an ending. That's a beginning. No, that was the end. This is like the Harry Potter movies where they just bleed into each other. It's a freak wool. But was that not what you were guys were hoping for? I don't know.

I mean, I thought, I didn't think it was going to be like, and there's still going to be a holy city. And it just is going to get weird. 100% honey-making situation. Oh, well, shit. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Oh, wait. Research was by Sharon Sajapur, and I did the wrong one.

I did the wrong one. I did the wrong one. Okay. Sources. Richard Beale, Highway 17, the road to Santa Cruz. Leona Claire Fuller, Holy City, California, my father's final quest. Yeah. Betty Lewis, Holy City Records, roadside attraction

in the Santa Cruz Mountains, a nostalgic history. And John V. Young, Ghost Towns of the Santa Cruz Mountains. Jesus. Yeah, how about that? Now, March 14th, your special, what's it called again? March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day. I'm having a party at the comedy store.

It's called A Call Insect to Work Show. Shows doors open at 10 a.m. Show starts at 11. It runs till 4. 15 headliners, probably, arguably, some of the bigger names in comedy are going to be there. We're going to do a live podcast. I would love it if you guys did it,

but I know that you already passed. We've got live podcasts. We're out of time. We're out of time. We've got live podcasts in the OR. 15 headliners in the main room. You guys, I think it might be sold out, but if you want, go to comedystore.com and check it out.

It's going to be fucking insane. All-day drinking, taco trucks in the parking lot. Hopefully, the coronavirus doesn't shut it down. But either way. Yeah, but whatever. And then, Hey, Big Boy on Netflix, March 17th. Pretty Boy World Tour. Give it up for Bert Kreischer.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thank you for having me. Appreciate it. Thank you, guys. Thank you.