The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 426 - John Randolph of Roanoke

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine early American John Randolph of Roanoke.SourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

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Dave. Is this how you do it? What's the... It's not right so far for sure but just keep going. You'll find it. This is a bilingual American history podcast each week. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from America history to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I think we nailed it. Yeah it's I mean it's I think it's our best pandemic one. Have you considered that your part is much easier than mine? For what that? And that you put a lot of pressure on me? What are you talking about? To get it right. You put a ton of pressure on me and it makes me freak out. Have you thought about that?

Like to get the... A litany of complaints that I could have that I could throw your way. There's a lot of... I'm just saying there's a lot of pressure on me to get that right every time. It's very simple. You've just you've just put so many occupations in it and little things that you think are cool to mention that of course you feel pressure because you always have to come up with three things. Mine's just stayed the same the whole time. I didn't do that this time. No but... I have a script and you just come in and go I'm Gareth and then you're done. Like it's really... Yeah, no that's easy. It's easy. No it's definitely easy to show

up with no knowledge of what's going on and then just you know it is easy. And called it quote is jam-packed. Jam-packed? I'm the fucking hippo guy. Steve okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to become a tiggly pod, Kelly. Okay. This is like an... I'm a five-part coefficient. Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep no hippo. That's like no hippo. Action partner. Hi, Gary. No. Is he done, my friend? No. Ronda. Ronda in the corner. Noice. And is it? Noice, yeah, noice. What's going on right there? Noice, yeah. You got a little accent going on? Noice, yeah. Yeah. You came ready for this one, huh? Sure, yeah.

Yeah, it's been a minute. It's been a minute. And this, by the way, you got to like think about this. I've always enjoyed doing the podcasts, but now when you're starving for human interaction or entertainment or your mind is looking for some sort of thing to do, we just can do these recreationally. We don't even need to record these anymore. Oh, I should mention Thursday nights at 6 p.m. Pacific time. Go to my Instagram live and watch me be a maniac in my bedroom. That's cryptic. That does not sound good at all. Wink, wink. What? There's no wink, wink here. We don't wink, wink. No, you can send in suggestions and I'll make up a bunch of weird shit. Go to send a garrifslive at gmail.com. You can send a suggestion and I'll go crazy. Okay. Okay. Al's

watching the garden. There's a suggestion. But email it. But by the way, already it's not a good one. It's great. Yes, for suggestion, I gave you one. Al is watching the garden. That's very weird. No, that's very specific is what it is. You can work with it or not. I guess it would be a real who's who. Who? Yeah, it's not frozen. The screen's not frozen. Just tap it on the side here. I think I lost you. That's a reaction. I can hear you, but sorry, I think the joke dropped. So it's a real who's who. Is it frozen? I can't tell because you're not moving or laughing, which is a fly.

It's definitely not frozen. Yeah, it's definitely not frozen. I'll text you this. Let's just start, but I'll text you this. June 2nd, 1773. John Randolph was born in Cossins, Virginia. It's okay. His father was also named John Randolph. He was a rich tobacco farmer. His mother was named Francis. Both his mother and father's families were prominent early Virginia families, which he kind of had to be if you're there in 1773, but whatever. The families were also cousins, and they married a lot between each other. But again, there's not a lot of people around at that point. Yeah, there's nobody to tell you no. That's right. John was a cousin of Thomas Jefferson

and a descendant of Pocahontas. Okay. Wow. John's father died when he was two, which has to happen for it to be. His mother remarried George Tucker three years later. She got right back on the horse as they call it. Sure. Sex talk. Right. Okay. So she's with John Tucker. Randolph's best. Yeah, he's gone. Francis was such a catch that Tucker gave up his self-imposed vow to quote, never marry a widow. Okay. Yeah, it's a dumb vow though, right? No, it's cool. It's cool. So there, I mean, and I obviously like, I think so you couldn't get divorced really. Or I mean, I don't think you ever get divorced back then. Right. So a widow, but you had that widow stink on you. People would be like, mm-mm. She kills them.

I think it's called, I think the technical term is called a widow's stank. Got that widow's stank on you. Oh, don't go near her. She's got the widow stink. You know, I've got three hours in the garden. It's a real who's who. I told you. Did it freeze again? No, it's great. John quickly learned his life wasn't going to be the same quote, as soon as the festivities of the wedding had ceased, he was slapped. And that was the first time he'd ever been slapped. So it's a life turn. So Tucker's bringing in a new philosophy. Yeah. He's a different kind of parent. Yes. A slapping one. He said, John said this began a quote, most intolerable tyranny. Okay. So that is, I mean, yeah, that you could tell that that is old timey speak for this fucking

sucks. Yeah. Tucker's time in charge of the family brought, quote, habitual profanity and infidel books. Okay. Wow. So what does that even mean? Yeah, porn and swearing. Just a good time. I'm hearing a good time. What is 1793 porn, though? Just a book, just a picture of a fully cloth. A dress that goes up to like the calf. I locked that door. I told you, there's someone in here. Tucker, what were you doing? Nothing. Oh, you like ankles? Do you? No, no, they mean nothing to me. You like ankles, huh? But here you go. Go look at all the ankles you want downtown. Baby, no. That's exactly what happened. And the weird thing was, is that they called it a downtown then, but it was, it was downtown. I'm an ankle man. John would blame Tucker for his later temper

problems. When John was seven years old, Benedict Arnold began marching on Richmond, you know, the war, what they call a revolutionary war. The family fled to Cumberland County, where they lived on their estate, which was called the Bazaar Estate. Whoa. Okay. Is there any reason why? I assume it wasn't the field to Bazaar that we think of, but, you know, like a village Bazaar or whatever. All right. I would think, but I wish it was the other one. Look, there's a head on a dolphin. That would be. You're at the Bazaar Farm. Here, have the handful of chocolate. It's from the Pelosi Ranch. Why you got that one in there? What? Take a dig at your girl. What? Happy first. Just going to survive with all their chocolate. Yeah.

So John loved reading, quote, one of the first books I ever read was Volterros, Charles the seventh. Cause what kid doesn't start out with Volterra? Yeah. And who, why not start off with Charles the first? Come on. Do them in order. They're like Harry Potter's. He goes backwards. Interesting. Benjamin Button. Yeah. Oh, all right. John was taught by tutors and then he went to a private school. There he was, quote, flogged regularly. That's awesome. That's cool. You got to beat the kids. You got to beat the kids. Yeah. What's the point of having a private school if you can't beat the kids? No. Yeah. It makes, it's certainly over the years we've learned that that's the right approach.

We've tried it both ways and we can finally admit that, that, you know, violence upon them, we'll get the focus you need. That's right. He and his brother were thrown out of the school after getting into fights with the dorm steward. And the movie version, the movie version playing in my head is played by French steward. Yeah. Oh yeah. Or Steve Gutenberg. Yeah. Right. Whatever. Just some real like wet noodle. Excuse me. I'm the dorm steward. So he goes to Princeton after that. And on January 17, 1788, his mother died shortly after giving birth to her eighth child. Jesus Christ. You know, you got to quit while you're ahead. I mean, you're not. At that time, you're going to die from one of them. And if you're going to

have an eight, the odds are high that you're not going to make it. It is really rolling. I mean, it's like Russian roulette with your vagina. Yeah. Which is a great game still. Yeah. She was only 36 when she died. So after kicking around for a few months, John 36, that is, you are fucking, you're pacing yourself. That's like Kobayashi hot dog rate. He goes to Columbia University in New York, but he had a quote violent distaste for formal schooling at this point. Okay. Potentially because you've eaten and thrown out. Yeah. Yeah. He also thought he was smarter than all his classmates and they were just wasting his time when they talked. Well, a real Dave Anthony kind of guy. That's me on Twitter. So he spent most

of his time in New York drinking with his brother and dining with members of the new Congress. Because he's connected, right? Yeah. So when the Congress convened, he would go every day and listen to debates. He immediately loathed Vice President John Adams. And after Columbia, John studied law in Philadelphia under his cousin who happened to be the Attorney General of the United States. It's convenient. Yeah. So he's kind of guy. He's got a laid out form. Well, yeah, seems like that's easy to capitalize on. I'm glad that that's never changed at all in our history is these just unyielding nepotism. Yeah. So at Columbia, he studied, oh, I saw I said he studied law on his brother and then under his cousin. And then on February 14th,

1792, his brother Theodrick. Sure. Because sometimes you can't decide between Rick and Theodore. And you want both. Well, Theodrick died at the age of 21. We don't know what we don't know what he died of. We just know too many letters. He too many letters writings. He wasted away for an entire year. Quote, he was reduced to a year post death. He wasted away. You mean no, no, before I thought I was like, well, this is here we are. We're starting a put on muscle after he died. No, many is the gym in the corner in a rocking chair, just slowly eroding away. Theodrick, are you okay, friend? I'm dead. So he wasted away for a year. Quote, he was reduced to a mere skeleton unable to walk his bones worked through the skin, which is hot, sexy, sexy talk.

So then after that, a little after that, John came down with scarlet fever. Okay. He recovered, but he blamed scarlet fever for the physical condition he would have all his life. Okay. But it was probably not that it was probably Kleinfelter syndrome or tuberculosis. I was going to say it sounds more like Kleinfelter. Yeah. To me. No. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Oh, 100%. I'm right there. Which is by the way, if not to do the hacky stand up it, but when you look up stuff on WebMD, don't you always get that as a possible result? Yeah, Kleinfelter. Almost every time. Almost every time. So there's so much stuff. There's so much stuff that like, oh, my toe hurts. Could be Kleinfelter. Yeah, it's probably Kleinfelter. So this is what John was

like. John could never ever grow a beard. This whole life, he couldn't grow a beard. What kind of weird. Oh man. I mean, that is some great character exposition there. John, why did we get so violent at dinner? Look, Marianne, because honestly, I can't grow a beard. There it's out. I like you soft skin. I like to touch it. Oh, go. Why don't you go to the fancy downtown? We always hear about and go frolic with beards and play with beard hair, Marianne. I know that's what you want. I don't like beards. I like my man. I think you deserve the option in your future if you want your suitor to have facial hair that he may potentially thrust a goatee upon you. I like a man. I'm hairless. I like a man that's like a dolphin. Well, listen, then you should go

to bizarre farms. They have a dolphin headed man there that would be put. Oh, trust me. How do you think I got to like dolphins? Unbecoming laugh. So, Kent grow a beard. He was emaciated and for his entire life, he had a very high. Yes, this is it. For his entire life, he had a very high shrill, prepubescent voice. Dave, was this man was, I mean, let's just go a step further. Was he unable to achieve adolescence? Oh, I mean, it kind of sounds like things were stunted. Yes. Sounds like maybe he got stunted in adolescence in a way. Yeah. Like when he would go to the New Year's countdown, the balls wouldn't drop. You know what I'm saying? What? I don't get that. No. His testes. Oh, he also had behavioral problems that are associated with Klinefelter

syndrome and he could not get erect. He was impotent. I know what it is. He suffered from Michael Jackson. That's right. He once wrote, quote, there is a volcano under my ice, but it is burnt out. There is a volcano under my ice? But it is burnt out. In other words, he wants to fuck, but he can't. It's buried under ice and burnt out. And then you can't even grow a facial hair tickler. So you're just like cursed a life of fingering. So his impotence was basically an open secret his whole life. Like everyone knew about it. I'm sure he loved that. Yeah. That's a great thing to have. It's great. It's always good to have that publicly out there.

Where you going, softy? All right. No, it's all right. All right. Enough. Do you think I'm different from you? I can fuck. It's just that there's some ice on my fire. Oh, that makes you laugh. Well, why don't you all just enjoy your mustaches? Enjoy your must. I think I will. Ajaan was also very good looking. Quote, his face having a delicate, almost effeminate beauty, he was a brilliant conversationalist and was most chivalrous in his bearing to the ladies. After you, my dear. That's right. I wish we could escalate things. But unfortunately, this is where the fornication ends. What about your tongue? I mean, I could try.

It's just that. Yeah, I guess I could. I could try down there. Well, let's eat my ass. Well, yes, yes, of course. I'm a bit of a neat freak. So I'd love to. We could go to your place. Mine has a brother rotting in it. Oh, Jesus, that's hot. I'm into that price. I'm a jam. You might be a little too experienced for me, my love. Okay. Is it weird that I sound like a really deep, deep voice dude and you sound like a high voice? Whatever. We'll get through this. We'll figure it out. John also had a very sensitive nature. A friend described him as like, quote,

a man without skin. Sure. Right. Yep. Perfect. It's a perfect combo. You know, he's kind of like a man without skin and there'll be no follow ups. I'll see everyone like. So John returned to Virginia and he moved in with his brother, Richard. Richard had married his cousin, Judith. Nice. And Nancy's, Judith's sister, Nancy had been in love with Theodric before he died. Okay. So she's still there. She's living with Richard and Judith now. Right. But then Judith got pregnant. And so Richard and Nancy started fucking. Judith got pregnant. So Richard and Nancy started fucking.

Yeah. So he starts fucking his sister in law. Why? Because she got, oh, just because. He's 10. Yeah, that's why it's pregnant. Sorry, I'm a bang. I'm one of these crazy guys who's looking for a connection. But, uh, okay. So he just started banging her. Okay. So he was banging Nancy and Judith. Yeah. And then Nancy got pregnant. Well, what's he, he's going to start banging the horse. So she's hiding it. She's hiding that she's pregnant because she's No, I just date a brother. Right. I don't know how she did that.

No, I got to cut back on the ale. She hit it until one night when the newborn was found dead in a pile of shingles near the mansion. Oh, my God. What? That's what happened. That happens sometimes. That still happens. But that really was probably just like, so what was that? What's that? Sundal? No one knew if she had a stillborn or if the baby was killed by her or Richard. I know the answer. Richard, uh, rumors swirled and, uh, about Richard killing the child. So Richard then put an ad in the paper saying he would appear in court and answer any charges that anyone made. Yep. Smart.

Say you, let's say you, yeah, say you handle it. Put yourself, take yourself to jail. What's your rate for baby killing ads? I'm sorry, sir. This is a courthouse, not a set. Uh, well, I would like to put an ad in about killing a baby. Is there a special rate? I'd like to see where this goes. So a lot of powerful people in the area were beginning to think Richard was guilty. Thomas Jefferson wrote quote, I see guilt, but in one person and not in her.

Okay. So, uh, it was a big trial. The courtroom was packed. Everyone wanted to hear the salacious details. Sure. Everyone testified, including, uh, including our boy, John, but in the end, Richard was found not guilty. Okay. Okay. Um, so John went to Mary and William and Mary where, uh, the school where his beliefs were really formed. Uh, he distrusted centralized government. Okay. Smart. Finally.

Uh-huh. This put him in the same camp as his cousin, Thomas Jefferson, and the Democratic Republican party. Okay. That's what we have now. He was, yeah, it's the Republican. Yeah, but yeah, best of what we have now. Uh, you can tell by all the, all the great work they're doing, bailing people out of this nightmare. Uh, he was so aggressive expressing his beliefs that at one point a classmate couldn't take it and challenged John to a duel.

Finally. It's about time we've gone a while without a duel. How, how annoying are you if you're arguing and someone's like, Oh God, can I just fucking, can I just shoot you? Yeah. Yeah. And my guess is John is not, he's not going to be the best dueler or sorry. Uh, is this Randolph? Uh, John Randolph is his name. John Randolph. Right. Okay. Yeah. He's not going to be the best of the dueler.

I just get the idea that he would take an umbrella to the duel. Well, well, they lined up and both men missed with their first shot. Shoot me in the penis. I dare you. Oh, close. In the second shot, John hit him in the butt. Hello. What if that gave him a boner? Oh, a fetish. Oh, my thing is born. Is it when I orgasmed?

Uh, at that point, the two men agreed it was over. They're like, well, that's, well, okay. Shot in the ass feels like we got this out. All right. Uh, but duals were forbidden in William and Mary. So he was kicked out of school. But the best, the best reason to say you've been expelled is because of dueling. Yeah, that is really good.

So he returned to Philadelphia to study law and he would, he would watch the house of representative sessions. He was super into the French revolution. Sure. Uh, he started using the French calendar and calling his friend citizen. Oh boy. This guy. Yeah. And, uh, in May 1796, he came down with a fever and his brother,

Richard cared for him until he recovered. Okay. And then, uh, John left and then Richard came down with it and died. Oh, it was like a crazy time. What a crazy era. Uh, that's what John was told anyway. In truth, Richard was at home and a doctor was never allowed to see him. And he was given a concoction to cure him by one of the two ladies in the house,

which made him worse. And after 11 days, he died. Okay. So was it hydrochloroquine? He wouldn't find that out until later. Yes, it was hydrochloroquine. So he just, okay, but that, okay. That sounds like regular medicine back then. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, totally. Uh, at 23, John was in charge of the family of stage, which were, uh, in a lot of debt. And over the next three years, he turned everything around. He often visited the Meads family, uh, John's family and the Meads family had a lot of, uh, marriages between them, also cousins. So cool. All right. Uh, the Meads had a daughter, Maria, who John had watched grow up.

She was 11. He was 11 years older. Let me know when to turn the creep crank all the way up, you know, it's a cousin of mine. I've been grooming since five. I can't get boners. Hello. So then, uh, she started getting lady parts and then John was super into her. What's he going to do?

I do, I do, I do. I honestly do think the creepiest thing in the world is to watch a girl grow up and then be into her when she turns into a woman. I really do. I really, I really do. It's really creepy. Yeah. And keep in mind, there was an era, not too long ago where pointing that out was not considered crazy.

That's right. You know, like where a guy'd be like, Hey, man, I'm not saying, but when she's older, you'd be like, All right, you know, get the fuck out of here. So anyway, they fell in love and got engaged when he was 26 and she was 15 pretty normal for back then. Yeah. It doesn't sound crazy for back then. Yeah.

And then they were engaged for a while and then in one day in 1799, John rode up on his horse and asked to talk to Maria in the garden. May I talk to you in the garden, Maria? That's, that's, that's not a good place. If someone says I want to talk to you in the garden, it's trouble. Please see me in the garden. Maybe by the begonia is my love. They had an animated discussion and then Maria came back to the house very upset and John

ran to his horse and was in such a hurry to get out. He didn't untie the reins. He just cut them with a knife and jumped on the horse and sped off because Maria had ended the engagement. Oh, she ended it. Wait, but he said he wanted to talk to her in the garden. Well, you know, she, he must have gotten a message about something. It's a very bachelor.

It is. So there's two theories as to what to happen. One is that there was a rumor he was having an affair, which we know physically not great. Right. And the other was that she found out he was impotent and could not have kids. I don't know which one that is. Right.

And he probably came and was like, you cannot believe how like when I go down on you, it's going to, you're going to wish you'd never had kids. Right. Yeah. Right. That, I mean, yeah, that's what he should be. He should be in like some Eastern country, just sort of in the mountains, practicing the art of conilingus under the training of some sort of master.

Yeah. Yeah. Now this, this should, this should be a story about America's greatest pussy eater. At the four, as they say, at the four. John, by the way, he would put that on tonight. Right. The world pussy eating competition brought to you by coronavirus coronavirus. We're getting it tonight. He has not come up for air in 18 minutes. Now look, he's going too strong up front, Bob.

He's got to take his time here. Teaser a little bit. So John became a well, Dave, I could do that. But just, you know, for 30, I know I'm aware that'll be a little bit on the bonus coverage. Oh my God. Look at him. He's got the pinky out. Is that it?

Please, sorry. John became a well spoken advocate for Republican policies and Democrat and Republican leaders noticed. He was asked to run for Congress and elected at the age of just 26. Okay. Sure. The two, there were two parties, Democratic Republicans and the Federalists. And at the time, they were fighting over the size of the military.

And during his first speech in the house, John called soldiers, loungers, mercenaries, and ragamuffins. Wow. And for that time, those are crazy terms. Those are. Yeah, that is fucking nuts. This was too much even for his own side. And they asked him to apologize in the next day he did.

And then that evening he was at a play and he was harassed by two Marines. One of them pulled on his coat and John yelled out, John yelled out, quote, Who was that that jerked my coat? And the Marines said nothing. And then John said whoever did it was a damned puppy. Was he auto-corrected? You're a damned puppy. Excuse me.

He, you know what it is? I think that there's just like an eight-year-old inside of him that's controlling him. Yeah. That's what I think. It's very positive. Let me know. Let me know when that theory pans out. So after that, John wrote to the president and asked him to deal with the soldiers.

But the president was like, what is this guy's problem? And just sent the letter back to the house where the Fetalist made a big deal of it and said John was out of line asking the president to do anything. And then they held five days of hearings about John's letter. Oh, Jesus Christ. So it's the same government. So nothing's changed. It's the same government.

It's just, yeah. The house chamber was not exactly nice. It had a velvet canopy and sandstone pillars, but also pools of tobacco spit, torn curtains, and ripped carpets. It was either incredibly hot and humid or cold and damp. John said the house smelled like a... Not sounding authentic. John said the house smelled like a bathroom, it reeked of urine and tobacco smoke.

Christ, this old guy's pissing and spitting everywhere. It's really great. John sometimes even brought his hunting dogs with him onto the house floor when he spoke. Who gives a shit? It's their filthy pits. Like, yeah, I guess let them piss everywhere, but still it's weird. I mean, it's just weird that it was, you know, you basically ran the house like a Petco. Yeah.

I seriously wonder if guys were just peeing on the wall. I mean, if it smelled like urine. I bet you they were. There's no doubt. There's actually, there's very little doubt in my mind. Or there was just like a piss pot in the corner and that's what you went in. And it just got everywhere. Yeah.

You know how we get, you can't leave. Like this is, this is when it was, I mean, it's a boy's club now, but this is when it was like literally like a clubhouse. You leave that many, I mean, they were treating it like a man cave. Eventually, you know, without anyone saying no, they're going to start just pissing on whatever. And even now guys can't lift up the toilet seat. Like.

No. Now you're, wait, didn't you do that? Didn't you do that in 1985 on A&E? That's one of your classic bits, right? I've always loved that album. That's the name of the album 1985 on A&E. Dude, how fucking great would it be to do a stand-up album from 1985? Now, live in 85.

So John did not like Washington DC. He said it smelled like a swamp, had tons of mosquitoes, bad accommodations, mud, rats and roads, and everyone was drunk. He stayed at a boarding house in Georgetown, where he had two rooms, a private table, rooms for his servants, and a stable for three horses. Thomas Jefferson was elected president, and Republicans had control of the Congress in the next election.

John was made chairman of the Ways and Means Committee at just 29 years old, which is one of the most powerful committees, if not the most powerful committee. Right. Besides Jefferson, he was connected to others in power. He also mastered the parliamentary procedures, but above it all was his amazing speaking ability, which was very rare in Congress at the time.

But John was super into his clothes and looks. Considered a fop. Senator William Plumer said he went, quote, to the house booted and spurred with his whip in hand, and in imitation, it is said of members of British Parliament. Wow. So he walked around with a whip all the time. Sure, which is a good look.

Right. Yeah. That's this guy's totally normal. Do you want to know the difference between you and me? I make this look good. No, I, okay. When he spoke on the floor, he's always... Excuse me, boys. Stick around for a little while.

You just might learn something. Okay, go away, please. He always held his whip when he spoke on the floor. Indiana Jones. Senator Plumer wrote that John was, quote, a pale meager ghostly man who has more popular and effective talents than any other member of the party. So we just have ghost orator.

I've gone to the halls of Congress for a while now. By his 30th birthday, John was pretty much controlling all legislation that came through the house. So he's a hotshot young politician. He's seriously a presidential hopeful at this point. He was outspoken against corruption. Can you imagine? At the time, Congress took on what was known as the Yazoo land fraud.

This is when Georgia legislators were bribed to sell land that is now most of the state in Mississippi to four companies for $500,000, which is way below what it was worth. Right. And also way ahead of its time. Oh, yeah. This is really nice. The people of Georgia overturned the sale, but now Congress wanted to push ahead with it.

And John found himself for the first time on the opposite side of his own party. During the debate, he got into it with Representative Willis Alston of North Carolina, and they had a heated exchange, and John went after him brutally. Isn't it rumored that Wilson jumped, lunged at John, but then went right through him like he was an apparition? That's right.

And he actually, he went through him, but when he, after he came out the other side, he had John's clothes on. Oh, yeah. I don't know. And then John possessed him. You know, actually, I think John was mighty right. Now, more I think about it. Well, I'm glad you've had a change of heart, my friend.

That night, they happened to be eating at the same table at the boarding house, and they began exchanging, you know. What's up, bitch? Exactly. At one point, John said he wouldn't take shit from a man like Alston and threw a glass of wine in Alston's face. Alston then picked up a decanter and threw it at John's head, and then they started picking up glassware

and throwing at each other. Could you, I mean, this shows how affluent you are when you're throwing booze. Then they went after each other with forks and knives. Finally, I'm going to eat you, motherfucker! After, so then I would finally settle down, and afterwards, Alston set a challenge to duel. But John said anyone who delivered the challenge

would get, quote, instant death. So he's saying that whoever drops off the duel challenge, he's going to kill. That's right. Okay, so he's sort of, it's a roadblock in the dual philosophy. Because then, I mean, it's almost like serving someone. It is. It's a new wrinkle.

Yeah, it's a loophole. A local judge got involved and told them both to a stop. Local judge. Judge. All right, now, let me hear your legal case about this duel. Hold on. You threw a ticantor in my head.

All right, I think y'all should kill each other then. And he threw wine in my face. Well, what's the holdup? Why did you not try to kill the fork? There should be a street murder fest going on. I guess I'm confused. I said anyone who drops it off, I'm going to kill with my hands. Now, that is legally unfounded territory, gentlemen.

Well, how about you set a precedent? Well, I wish I could. But unfortunately, precedents have to be elected. They're the head of our government. All right, I have to go because I hate puns and other sort of things. Well, he just walked through a wall. So, now, the Yazoo bill was not passed at that session, and it was basically John's doing.

Everyone else in Congress wanted it. But when he spoke about it, the people were like, yeah, I don't do that. And he would keep speaking about the Yazoo land fraud the next session. One speech lasted for two entire days. Oh, Jesus Christ. What? And John was vicious.

Senator Plumer said John's speeches, quote, were too personal, his allusions to brothel houses and pigsties, too coarse and vulgar. He's arranging the motives of members charging them with speculation, bribery, and corruption were insufferable. So, he just fucking laid into everybody. Right, he's a tornado. Yeah, he's conned.

He doesn't have any ice. There's no ice on the lava of his passion for government corruption. Hello. Welcome. But the press loves John for his anti-corruption beliefs. In every session for years, he would stop the Yazoo bill. But soon, even Jefferson was complaining that John would not consult with him and was doing his own thing.

So, John's a wild card. Right. Okay, yeah. The Republicans impeached Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase and John led the trial in the Senate. What a great time. Time to impeach justices. Yeah, just when it felt probably.

I mean, it's just when there was, you know, there could be actual prosecutions. Opposition? An actual opposition party doing something? Yeah, just, yes, exactly. A check. Yeah. But giving, doing the impeachment trial was much different than giving a speech and John was completely out of his element. And also, he may have been drunk or on opium.

Sure. Well, yeah. Was that the Russians? Yeah. They drank a wine mixture between almost every sentence of a speech that lasted three hours. No wonder it lasted three hours. If you're taking every sentence, you're taking a wine break. It was only a page double spaced. Oh my God.

Wow, okay. It was obvious it wasn't going well. John said he was ill during the speech and then he said he missed the counsel's argument. He had lost his notes. Well, so what happened? He seemed to be like fairly competent. I think he's hammered in shit face. And then he just, but why?

He drank a lot. He was a drinker. I mean, still you hold it together for this shit. I think he, I think he realized this wasn't a, he got in there and he realized it wasn't about a speech. It was actually about more of a trial situation and then he was nervous. He was blathering and that's not what they want in that situation. Excuse me. I just might have another little baby sip here. Okay. I have to shoot some heroin into my eyeball.

What was I talking about again? Of course. That's right. This whole system isn't, oh excuse me for a moment. Yes. Now. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

What's happening? What? What's going on? Okay. Let's wrap it up. He's asleep. I can't. My penis doesn't get hard. Oh God. That came out. That was out of your mouth. Senator Plumer described John's

speech as quote a feeble thing. Justice Chase was acquitted and most blame John's bad management of the trial. So people didn't think his wine technique made sense? No. John noted that Thomas Jefferson said nothing at all. Like he was not supported by Jefferson at all. Right. When he returned to Bazaar in the summer, he was told that Nancy, Judah's sister, was having sex with him at the slacks.

Hey Dave, do you hear that? Your mic is clicking a little bit I think. Your cord maybe? Oh yeah. I have my hand on it. Better? Yeah. So when he returned to Bazaar in the summer, he was told that Nancy, Judah's sister, was having sex with one of the slaves. Okay. That happens. Yes.

And then he asked her when she was leaving. Quote, the sooner the better for you take as many liberties as if you were in a tavern. Nancy left a few days later. Okay. When he returned to Congress, Jefferson wanted to buy Florida from Spain, but without making it public. Can we go back in time and just undo this transaction? I mean, the buyer's remorse, one must feel for the purchase of Florida. Talk about a receipt you wish you still had your hands on.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes you make a choice. You see the beaches and you're like, this will be good. Yeah. You see the beaches this week. It's like, man, I really love to go out there and mix it up with some of these people. So John dismissed the sale. He was as head of the Ways and Means Committee because obviously Jefferson was trying to get Congress to buy it without taking credit. So John and Jefferson met and John told them he wouldn't allow Congress to take the blame for the sale. And they had a heated argument. And then after the administration sent a letter stating Congress was going to buy Florida, John still refused and said he would only do it through open and honorable means. And he at this point was not disgusted with Thomas Jefferson. Right.

John then broke away and split off from the Democratic Republican Party. He believed the party had become just like their opponents, the Federalists. And John helped form what was known as the Turkey and Quids, which is the third party. So, and by the way, when it came to naming it, nailed it. Simple, straightforward, rolls off the tongue. Everyone gets it. Doesn't sound fancy. So I don't know how many guys were with him, but it was a few guys. What is the name of this party again? Turkey and Quids or Turkey and Turkey and whatever.

It's like it's on the line, the witch and the wardrobe. Yeah, they claim to really represent the Republican ideals of states rights and small government. So now he now he's broken his party, some guys off from his party. So the Republicans in the house went ahead and bought Florida for $2 million. And then Jefferson wrote, quote, the example of John Randolph is a caution to all honest and prudent men to sacrifice a little of self-confidence and to go with their friends, although they may sometimes think they are going wrong. Also, a guy just tried to hold up a liquor store with an alligator in Gainesville.

Like immediately that happened. Jefferson wrote to Monroe that John was on course to quote, a state of as perfect obscurity as if his name had never been known. Okay. Well, that's true. So Jefferson, Jefferson saying, yeah, this guy's just fucking blowing it with his purity bullshit. Yeah. But John was not upset at all. He went back home. He sat for a portrait.

He wrote that he had no regret, quote, that I have encountered the hostility of the unprincipled and base or have been deserted by the Timores or the slothful. So he's like, these guys are all fucking corrupt bullshit. I'm in the right. It turns out he was because we ended up buying Florida. When Congress returned, John attacked Jefferson in a speech, but John still remained a leader in the house, even though he'd split off from his party and the Republican members now called him, quote, a maniac,

accidentally broke out of a cell and a petted vindictive schoolboy. Yes, but that, but the truth is when corruption calls you names, it's validating. That's right. They still kept trying to pass the Yazoo settlement, but John would speak against it and it would never happen. When John, when James Madison's brother-in-law rebutted a speech John made against Madison, he called John his colleague and from the back of the chamber, a high-pitched voice yelled out, quote, I am not the gentleman's colleague.

Who's that at? It's just so great. I love this guy. I am not the gentleman's colleague. John's health. As he's drinking wine, he's John. Fuck off. John's health continue to get worse and he wrote a friend that life was not worth living. And then to top that off, Maria married John's cousin Peyton in 1806.

Oh, boy. He was still in love with her and when John learned about it, he was very upset. He was so distraught that he considered resigning from Congress and leaving the country. That's the first day of motion. You know what? I think I'm just going to move to England and leave Congress. This is not worth it. John, will you sleep on it? No, I don't even want to anymore.

My mind's made up. I mean, I guess maybe. By the end of it, I'm not leaving. His friends talked him into staying. Yeah, that's what you need. You need the group. You need the group. Come on, dude. We love you. Do you? Yeah, come on, Johnny. What's it like to have blood in your penis? It's really great. I'm going to be honest.

I have it right now. I'm hard. I'll stay. Okay. That's a weird thing that got you to stay. I'll stay. It's the only thing that'll keep me here. I want all of you to show me them. All right. Got to go. Thank you. Have you ever played Uki Kuki? No.

Well, I've invented a game. Sometimes after the marriage, there was a dinner party, and Maria was the honored guest. John rode up, tied his horse, and walked onto the porch. It was summer, and all the windows were open. And when he walked on, he heard Maria singing. She was singing a song that she used to sing to John that was one of his favorites.

This may have been the first time he had seen her since she got married. And so he started pacing up and down the porch, as she sang while, quote, uttering heart-rendering sobs. This is, by the way, for anyone out there who's trying to win the affections of a lady back, this is the technique that works. Go to their home and just openly weep on the porch. When she finished singing,

John got back on his horse and rode away without going inside. What? She just took a cry ride? If the horse was probably like, dude, you did not handle this well. Shut up! Dude, that was a bummer. I'm a horse, and I'm a horse, and I know that's not how you do this. Back in Congress, John Sunenla, Thomas Mann Randolph,

thought John had referred to him in a speech, even though he had not. John had been talking about another guy who was obviously drunk, and for some reason, Thomas Randolph thought he was talking about him. So afterwards, Randolph challenged John to a duel, and John agreed. House members tried to stop it. They told Randolph John had not been talking about him during the speech.

Finally, Randolph went to the House floor, admitted he was wrong, and apologized for disrespecting the House, and it was over. Can you imagine, can you just imagine, turning on the news and seeing that two senators have agreed to go try to shoot at each other to see which one. And then just being like, oh my God, dude, Chuck Schumer got killed in the duel today. Just like that to me. First of all, we know Chuck Schumer would never duel.

Right, no, he wouldn't. Right, yeah. You need bones to do it. But you know what I mean? If you were to just turn it on and be like, Senator Rand Paul terminally injured. That would be so great. That's the way Rand Paul would be doing so many of those.

Oh, all the fucking time. Rand Paul, all the time. John decided to turn the screws on Jefferson by going public about Jefferson's secret attempt to buy Florida, and he published a letter. Jefferson was livid, and he pushed to have John remove as chairman of the Wains, chairman of the Ways and Means Committee. It took a whole year, but on October 26, 1807, John was replaced as chairman. Madison was then elected president despite John and the quids opposing him.

Even at a power, he was still the best speaker in the house, which gave him tons of power. When a member remarked about his impotency, John shot back quote, you price yourself upon animal faculty in respect to which the jackass is infinitely your superior. I mean, a donkey, you say it's all about fucking, and that means a donkey is a better fucker than you. Well, and yeah, and he also, yeah, he does have now a portion. I mean, imagine your brain if it never had fuck involved in it. If your brain never went to sex. Think of how well you'd be doing.

I can't, honestly. I cannot. So during a break, he returned to bizarre. His health was worse than ever. A quote racked with pain and never for two hours together, free from some affection of his stomach and bowels. He had rheumatism, gout and chronic diarrhea. I mean, chronic diarrhea just means forever diarrhea because diarrhea in its own right is, it's in charge.

That should be diarrhea slogan. It's my time. He said he was, quote, laid up with sciatic lumbago and a deflection of my head and extreme pain in my breast. He took different cures and relievers and lots and lots of opium. He was sad. He was a sad guy. He wrote to a friend, quote, I am alone and out of the world buried alive. He called life a burden.

Do you miss me? Check this box. He's not sleeping because he's in so much pain. And then he moved to a cabin in Roanoke and began calling himself John Randolph of Roanoke. This is because there were so many John Randolphs in the world. One of whom was... Were there any more in Roanoke? Well, there was one he got almost got into a fist fight with. Who was also John Randolph of Roanoke?

Not of Roanoke, just John Randolph who went by Old Possum. Well, that guy's all set with his name. He doesn't need John Randolph. You're Old Possum. So he doesn't want to be confused with the other guys. So that's why he's going with Overone. I don't think he'll be confused with other people. I don't feel like he won't either.

When the new Congress convened on November 27th, John was absent due to his chronic diarrhea, which he was now calling his quote, daily and nightly companion. You're dating someone? No, no. No, I'm not at all. If you'll excuse me, my companion calls. When he did return to Congress, Congress was preparing for a war with England and John was against it. During the debate, he was tired and he asked the House for a break.

They agreed and as the reps left, Willis Alston angrily said quote, the puppy still has respect shown him. So puppy's back. Okay. What does that mean? I'm not sure. That's when you really want to hit someone with a slander at that time. Call him a puppy.

But didn't he say the puppy still has respect? Yeah, he's saying John still has respect and he shouldn't have it is what he's saying. Okay, okay, gotcha. He wasn't sure if John had heard it. So he went into the stairway and repeated it. I said, seems like the puppy still commands respect. Is he out of the building? Excuse me, I'm going to go out.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I said, it looks like the puppy. Where is he? God damn it. And what does he have on skates? Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. I said, is that he has said?

I said, looks like the puppy. God damn it. Where did he go? He's still back in the house. He was. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. John responded in his high pitch voice quote, Austin, if it were worthwhile. I would cane you. And I believe I will cane you.

of ways and means. I mean, talk about the process. Alston was lowered down the steps, and his friends yanked the cane away from John and gave it to Alston, and then John stood his ground just staring at Alston, waiting for the blow, but Alston turned and left. The next day, Alston came, and he had a bandaged head, but was much quieter. Morning. John wrote in his diary, quote, Washington, Cain Alston. By the way, I'm keeping a diary, and now a diarrhea.

So that same day, John verbally attacked Jefferson's son-in-law, John Epps, during a speech. And then that night, John received a duel challenge from Epps. God damn, there's not a lot of duels coming in. And he believed in dueling. He thought it was a necessarily evil. So John agreed, but friends were worried John would use the duel as sort of a suicide, because he was so sad. Oh, so how do you prepare, what do you say to the opponent? So if you don't, he's, this is a cry for, do not shoot him.

Please, it will be considered a suicide if you shoot him. What? So, friends of both men wrote out explanations that allowed Epps to withdraw his challenge I think they said it was sarcastic, the thing he had said, but anyway, Epps wasn't done. He moved to John's district in order to run against him for Congress. Well, well, well, talk about the slow duel. But John still won the election. Now Maria had now been married for three years, but John was still in love with her.

He wrote a friend quote, I have tried wine, company, business, everything within my reach to divert my mind from the subject. But Harriet Thelanus Arundo, lethalus Arundo, it's from a poem of some sort about heartbreak. You got really intense. So he's still fucking, after all these years, he's still pining for, I think it's way past three years. Right. It's like years later, and he's still just like, man, the one that got away, that child.

So. Yeah, seriously. Congress. It was pulling at my heartstrings for a second until you reminded me that he'd been scouting her. In Congress, the March toward war continued. Two new reps were leaders of what John called the Warhawks, Henry Clay and John C. Calhoun. The Warhawks knew that they would have to take on John on the floor and beat him in speeches.

But Clay, Clay had a quick wit and it was very fast for this tongue. He was a lawyer from Kentucky. He was a very good lawyer. He was a better gambler. He'd one time been in a duel and let his opponent shoot at him three times. Now Clay was elected Speaker of the House. So Clay is a young- I had a dual technique that he has there.

Yeah. I don't know what that was about. It sounds like, I mean, if we're talking about duals as suicides. Right after he was elected, John arrived dressed in riding clothes with a hunting dog walking behind him. Now, now being the Speaker, Clay ordered the dog removed from the room and John objected, but the dog was taken out by the doorkeeper. So first day, first day he's getting, he's getting the screws turned to him.

As far as the war, the country was pretty caught up, caught up in it with a nationalist, nationalist fervor. John knew he was in the minority, but he still stood against the war. And it turns out John Calhoun was John's equal as a Speaker. After his first speech on the floor, Republicans went apeshit. Historian David Johnson, quote, House Republicans acted as if some demon had been exercised from their midst, expressing the almost universal satisfaction of the party that Randolph had met his match.

So finally, after all these years, they've got a good speaker. We've got a guy who's good at this, we have a guy who can speak. And now it's so funny to cut to an hour, you don't need that. Yeah, I know, right? For his part, John would refer to Calhoun as a quote, thrice double ass. That's right. You have six asses and 12 cheeks. All votes to prepare for war were being passed by huge margins.

And then Clay tried to read those. Good to see that our roots are, that our roots are strong too. Yeah. We've carried our tradition of never ever saying no. But John was slowing down every vote by speaking. So John wanted to reel him in, or Clay wanted to reel John in. So he and Calhoun worked together. A vote was held to restrict John from speaking unless he wrote a resolution on the matter.

They were like, you can't speak unless you wrote a resolution on it. And John said, quote, after having been 14 years on this floor is a man to be told he knows nothing of the rules of the house, but they still made him and John scribbled that a resolution quickly on paper and then said he wanted to go back to speaking. And Clay said, no, the house has to vote on whether or not you can speak about your resolution. And then because it was war, it ever was for it, the house voted against allowing John to speak on this resolution, 72 to 37. They voted to have John silenced.

Yes. Because he was against war. What was the numbers? 72 to 37. And that's all John was, was a speech. So they've totally, you know, taken him out. Yeah, right. They've neutered him part in the pun.

Yeah. Within a couple of weeks, Congress declared war. John wrote to a fellow Antoia congressman that any man who was not quietly accepting of war was, quote, knocked down. Jose Feeder is off, Jose's feeder is off in the dish. The food is in the dish. He's eating already. There was about a two second gap where he wasn't eating from when it went off to when

he was there and he's eating furiously now. It's also interesting. It's such a funny time when you had to go through Congress for war. So in his district, they've made toasts about tar and feathering him in pubs. The Richmond inquire called him a, quote, nuisance and a curse. Once again, Epps decided to run against him, but the war was going horribly. The US was disorganized, which is just what John had predicted. And John was also suffering from rheumatism, a high fever and pain in his limbs and joints.

And so in Congress, he was rarely speaking between that and just not feeling well. John went home, quote, half dead with fatigue to campaign. While at bizarre, he was talking to his nephew when he looked up and saw that the roof was on fire. Quickly, the home was burned down and everything inside was gone. John would not campaign after that and he lost his seat to Epps. So he's now seriously depressed, quote, it requires effort to take an interest in anything. He moved in with the docker and slowly improved.

When the British marched on Washington, John signed up as a military scout. DC was burned to the ground by the British. The war became less popular, especially in John's district and people started asking him to run again. Hey, remember that, uh, the war that you were against turned out to be really bad. It's a bummer. And so you were right. That's the first day of war is so fun and then the rest of it just feels like a bunch

of paperwork. John learned his nephew in New York was sick. And so he went to see him. Now this is Nancy's kid when he was going to catch a coach at 3 a.m. John fell down some stairs, injuring his elbow, shoulder and ankle, but he still continued on the trip to see his nephew. Uh, he, Nancy had remarried to a governor, governor Morris, so she fucking right. So after she did the baby thing, her life, you know, going great, right?

She turned it all around, right? So he briefly visited and then on his way back, the coach crashed and flipped over his knee, thigh and neck were injured. Oh God. So he already heard his elbow, shoulder and ankle and now he hit his knee, thigh and neck. Oh my God. Terrible trip. He wrote on a piece of paper the next day, quote, I am a cripple for life.

While mending, he was visited by governor Morris's nephew. So Nancy's husband's nephew swings by. He says he doesn't trust Nancy. He said she had used John's name to vouch for her chastity and said they had been engaged once, and that he, he thought the child Nancy had had, it was not the governor's child, but it was actually a servant's kit. That's what John said or that's what the nephew said. Okay.

Nephew said, right. So John wrote a letter to the governor explaining everything he had seen with Nancy. But it was intercepted by Nancy. The governor's nephew came back and said Nancy had tried to poison him. And now John has always been suspicious about Richard's death. So now he's pretty sure that Nancy killed his brother. Right. Shit.

Jesus. So he wrote. Yes. This is fucking intense. Yeah. It's twisty. So he wrote Nancy a letter calling out her lies and all of her misdeeds and accused her of killing his brother.

He said he thought maybe she would be changed for the better when he saw her, but instead he had found, quote, a vampire that after sucking the best blood of my race has flitted off to the North and stuck its happy fangs into an old, infirmed man. Jesus. He's good with, he's good with words. Yeah. No wonder they wouldn't let him speak. He could do it.

The governor read the letter before he gave it to Nancy, but he didn't do anything. So like he, this should have been a dual situation, right? Right. Yeah. So Nancy was upset about that. So she ended up writing a letter back saying John had wanted to marry her, but she turned him down because he was repulsive. She called them a liar and everything else she could think of.

So she sends this letter back that's all full of lies, but John never got the letter because what she'd done was made copies of it and sent it all around Virginia. Oh, so, right. So just PR. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. Yeah.

She was trying to stop it from getting reelected basically. Right. Okay. Right. But what a weird thing to be like, oh, did you see that? I mean, I went public with my letter. I like how that's like, like actually authentic. So now all the family dirty laundry is out in the open.

John was upset because it made his brother look bad, but then what did John do? Well, he turned to God and became more religious than ever before. Yes. Oh, my God. The war ended in 1815 with no side victorious. And now John was appreciated in his district for having stood by his police before the war. So he was right.

Right. He was elected again. The Richmond Enquirer was not pleased framing him as a friend of Great Britain and quote, the snarler is in again. I would love to be called the snarler. He, by the way, of all things I've heard of him snarling doesn't sound like one of them. I mean, I would just say like the watery shit guys here snarler is like does not seem to

fit the profile that we've been talking about. Watery shit guy is not great. Yeah. I mean, you think about it, look, I would love to have John's back in Congress, ladies and gentlemen, the mother man would never be able to vote in the only way he could vote as if he could do it from the toilet. Toilet man. So back in the house, he was drinking a ton of brandy.

He had brought 15 gallons with him. Sure. So pandemic. That's what I did with vodka 15 gallons is a lot. His opponent said he was insane, his opponent said he was insane, but his allies said he was drunk. Like that was their excuse. That is amazing when you're like, he's not, no, he's not crazy, he's just drunk all the

time. Have some respect. Later in the year, when Congress came back for its second session, he was just responding to anyone who asked him how he was doing by glaring at them and saying, quote, dying, sir. Dying. Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm just going to go get a drink.

Very party though. Dying. Dying. Okay. Gotta go. Yep. Don't talk to him. On May 17th, 1817, John announced he would not run for the house again.

He said he was incapable of doing the job. He spent most of 1817 in his home by the fire, quote, I live here the life of a hermit. His mental condition had deteriorated. A friend said he suffered from delirium with, quote, fits of caprice and petulance following days of the deepest gloom. I think he is bipolar or something like that. I think he's right. It could be that the client or whatever it is, but it also feels like he has certainly

mood swings. Yeah. But also could be because of drug use, right? He's doing tons of opium now. So that's not great for the brain. And if you're drinking on that level too, that can drive you to psychosis. John became more cynical. He always loved Maria and was bitter about women.

He wrote to a friend, quote, in our lives, my brother, we have seen two fine women. Never extend your list. Never trust your eyes or your ears for they stand alone. Okay, John. Cool. You know, I like women. It's from my new book, Lessons of a Softened Penis. John lived like this for two years, but during that time he somehow healed.

And then he ran for, and then he ran for Congress again. Get out of here, what? And he won. That's right, motherfuckers. I came here to change laws and have diarrhea, and I'm all out of diarrhea. Oh, no, I'm not. Oops, there's a little more. His speech is now included wheezing from a damaged lung, and he tired easily due to

his chronic diarrhea. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it'll take a lot out of you. It will, for sure. I mean, it just is, you know, it's just like, how much longer is the session going to be? I have to have a bad shit. On March 22nd, a friend of John's, Naval Commodore Decouter was killed in a duel, and John was furious.

Just a real quick, just give me the name one more time. Decouter. Okay. I thought there was a nibble up front. A nipple? Nipple. I thought you called him Nipple Decouter. Oh, no, Naval Commodore Decouter.

Naval Commodore Decouter. Or Nipple. A nibble, I heard, Nipple Decouter is, I mean, think of what you just said in my head. In my head, you just said nibble Decouter in a, in a story about a man whose penis can't get hard. There's a new guy named Nipple Decouter. Yeah, I'm going to read this sentence again. A friend of John's, Nipple Decouter was killed in a duel, John was furious, and was addicted

to anyone who came near him. He said he would challenge anyone who insulted him to a duel, and he wanted the house to wear black armbands and adjourn for the funeral. The house rejected his suggestions because they were crazy. Sure. At the funeral he made a scene. People looked away as he crowded and rushed the vault. He wrote up a will and went to a bank to ask for red ink to write a check with, quote,

I now go for blood. Sir, there's a line. He's not doing well. He returned to Roanoke, but by the end of 1821, a senator wrote that John was good again, like his old self in good spirits. So he goes through these periods. We just bought him out and then, that's why it seems like a type of mental illness of some sort.

Yeah. So he returned to the house and then took a trip to England and spent six months there. He turned 50 and then came back and in the house, he and Clay kept battling. He's so much older than 50 right now. I know, dude. It's crazy. People didn't live that long back then. Yeah.

But still. Yeah, I know. So he and Clay keep fighting. He's pretty sure Clay was going to be president some day and then the presidential election of 1824 was between four men, Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams, Henry Clay and William Crawford. They're all in the same party. They're all Democratic Republicans. At this point, there's like one party, they're just from different factions of the same party.

There was no winner on electoral votes, so went to the house to decide and Clay threw his support behind Adams in a shady deal. Adams became president and then he quickly announced Clay would be Secretary of State. So Clay pulled the fast one. Adams' reputation now made a comeback and he was nominated for the Senate and won the election in the Virginia State Legislature. This is when people didn't vote for Senate. Legislatures did.

John continued his long speeches in the Senate. Three hours was common, six was not unheard of. He would often lean against the railing as he spoke and say to the doorkeeper, quote, Tim's more Porter. And he would pound it and then keep talking. I'd pay to see this. Yeah. Yeah.

I wish they should be able to openly drink so we can just, I mean, they can openly corrupt. Why can't they just have Campari? John would spread journals and other papers on the floor in front of him and yell at anyone who tried to touch them. Oh, I thought you're going to say he would make diarrhea on them like a dog. No, that's later. The Senate had never seen anything like it. Senator Mills wrote, quote, I think he is particularly deranged and seldom in the full

possession of his reason. Senators start to leave when he spoke. And yet still many of them sought his advice. Even Calhoun told John his views were strong and important. After which John said, quote, the VP has actually made love to me. Finally, lost the V. That's what it's like, right? That's what it, that's what it's like, right?

But senators noted his wild mood swings. During a speech, John called President Adams and Clay, quote, the Puritan and the Black Lake. So Black Lake is a really bad thing, apparently. It's what you call swindlers and cheats. That meant the person was the thief and corrupt. And Clay responded the next day, quote, your unprovoked attack on my character in the Senate of the United States on yesterday allows me and no other alternative than that of demanding

personal satisfaction. Clay said this been brewing a long time, challenge to a duel. Okay. John said a government minister couldn't hold him responsible for what he said during a debate. Okay. During a debate, which was true. Senators were allowed to say whatever they wanted on the floor without it leading to a

duel. Wow. You had a cover. On the floor of the House of Senate. Yeah, you had a cover. We're not dueling. We were debating. But John still accepted.

Other members couldn't talk either one out of it. John said, quote, I prefer to be killed by Clay to any other death. He was also sure everyone knew Clay had no right to challenge him to a duel. So he's going around telling everyone that Clay is in the wrong. But he's doing it because he wants to go. It seems like it. Yeah. Wow.

The duel was set for a week later in Virginia where dueling was illegal. But John said if he was going to die, he wanted to die in his home state. The night before John touched up his will, he sent servants to take gold out of different accounts and he wrote letters to different people. Clay was an expert shot and John decided he was not going to shoot at all because he didn't want to upset Clay's wife and children. They arrived at the location on time, each with two seconds and a surgeon. It's a couple of sidekicks and a surgeon.

Right. John wore a huge oversized morning gown. What? So he's wearing a boomeroo? Right. Well, he's put on like a giant outfit. So if he gets shot, he could just go into the outfit. But doesn't he want to get shot?

I don't know what's going on. He just doesn't want to shoot, I guess. Yeah, something. OK. So he just shows up wearing the bedding. So they were given their guns, John's had a hair trigger and it shot when it was put in his hand and the bullet went into the ground. Clay yelled, quote, it was an accident.

I saw it. The shot of steer his foot. So as to not think that he had tried to shoot early. Yeah, no, definitely. And that's nice. This is like even in duels to just be like, no, no, no, sportsmanship. So the two men then took 30 paces in turn and Clay shot. It hit the ground behind John and then John shot and hit his stump behind Clay.

Both were close, but clearly meant to miss. Clay said, quote, this is child's play and he reloaded and fired again. This one went through an outer layer of John's clothes. So that's why they wore the big fat coat. Sure. Yeah. But yeah, OK. And then John raised his gun and said he would not fire again and he shot into the air

and then walked to shake Clay's hand, quote. My Clay, you owe me a coat. Sorry, Mr. Clay, you owe me a coat. Clay, quote, I'm glad the debt is no greater. So that's it. They're all happy with what they've done. Okay. Okay.

So it's nice that a duel ends in just a code exchange. Yeah. They both had their honor intact, all good. Now John's Senate seat was coming up. Not everyone in the Virginia State Legislature felt John had conducted himself well in the Senate. John said, quote, the Senate has been the most august and dignified body in the world until Mr. Randolph was elected to it.

So people who didn't want him nominated someone else and John lost 110 votes to 115 votes. He still had to finish out his term in the Senate and he acted well, but he would lay awake at night. So after that, three months later, he was back in the house. The guy who had taken his place when he resigned, the guy who had taken John's place in the house resigned so John could be given his spot back in the house. Okay. Wow.

But when John came back, many commented that he looked thinner and worse than ever. Quote, he is almost a skeleton. He was very sick. Quote, I grow worse. My food passes from me unchanged. Jesus. Well, that's kind of an advantage. Oh, my God.

Who wants it? The roast. Today we have broccoli and potatoes. Oh, hold on a second. I'll make a dozen muffins. Hand me that bucket, boy. My liver, lungs, stomach, bowels are diseased to the last extent, nerves broken, cramps, spasms, vertigo.

His opium use was now constant, soon he wrote, quote, I live by if not upon opium. But he once again became the leader of the opposition in the house because he was so good at speaking. Wow. He was effective against President Adams. Adams wrote in his diary, quote, the wrecker of this man's soul against me is that which sustains his life. Might be, too.

But John did not run for reelection again. He was selected after as a delegate to the Virginia Constitutional Convention in 1829 against his wishes. When he went, he wore a black band on his hat and arm to show he was mourning the old constitution. And yet he controlled the convention, but he gave one speech and everyone was like, what do you want to do, John? So President, after that, President Jackson appointed him to be minister in Russia.

When he returned, he was a sought after speaker and he was usually on opium or morphine. Can it be morphine then? I don't know. John now spoke of destroying his servants. So he started to go a little nuts. He spoke of destroying his servants and swore Satan had come to him during the night to talk to him. Hey, John.

What? What? What? What? I just wanted to swing by, say, how you're doing. I'm not great. I got to be honest. It's not great.

Yeah. No, I know. It's been so hard for you, sir. Are you kind of a therapist, Satan? Kind of. Now, I miss my mom. Well, not really a talk therapist. I was going to see if I could see the goods.

Give it a shot. I think goods. I think I only have bads. I think I think I could turn your bad around and make it a good. I'd love a chance. It's too late. Will you watch me whack off in the corner? Yes.

Okay. That's all I wanted. John thought there were plots against him and he started writing rambling letters to President Jackson. At one point, Calhoun and Jackson fought over states' rights and John was behind Calhoun, and he made his way to the Senate where he was carried into the building and into the chamber to watch the debate. Wow. Calhoun was speaking against Daniel Webster at the time, and John told someone sitting in the front of him, quote, take away that hat.

See Webster die, muscle by muscle. He just loved to fucking debate. Yeah. He took a boat after to England, and when he arrived, he was incredibly ill. John Randolph of Roanoke died on May 24th at 11.45 a.m. Dr. Francis West, who was attending to him when he died, gave a post-mortem examination of the body and found that the quote, his scrotum was scarcely developed at all. He only had a right testicle that was, quote, the size of a beam.

Jesus. Wow. Wow. That's not great. A month later, Congress reconvened. The man who now had John seat in the house rose to talk, quote, the reason why Mr. Randolph's death was not here announced, and then the man fell over dead. What?

What? That's the end? Well, that's a curse of some sort. What did he say? The guy stood up and said, the reason why Mr. Randolph's death was not here announced, and then he fell over dead. And then he died? Jesus Christ. And then nobody wanted the seat again.

He freed his slaves and his will. He gave them large amounts of land in Ohio also. But there were other wills, and it took 11 years of court hearings for them, the slaves, to get their freedom and the land, although they never took possession of the land due to threats of violence when they got to Ohio. Wow. What might be nicer to emancipate while alive? After years of being considered pretty much a loon, John is now, by some, ranked alongside Jefferson in fashioning Republican views and paving the way for Jacksonian ways.

Others still think he was a loon, but, like, a historian in 1941 sort of found out, or a graduate student found out, like, oh, this guy's actually the real deal. Yeah, pretty crazy. Somebody stuck to their principles. Yeah, the main source of this is John Randolph of Roanoke by David Johnson, and John Randolph of Roanoke, some new information by Robert Duhat Mead. And then the pair of American politicians who fought the 18th century silliest duel on Atlas Obscura. Silly.

And it was. Well, all right, there's a little comedy, huh? Yeah. Should we tell everyone to hang in there? Hang in there, yeah. You know, I wish I could say our Congress was doing anything for people, but they seemed to not care, so that's going to be a problem that we are, as citizens, going to have to address. Straight up.

We're getting close to hit the streets time. La, la, la. Yeah, in your cars. In your cars. You can also get out of a car and run around and then get back in your car. Sure. You mean like at a stoplight, like a game? Much like that.

Yeah, hang in there. It is, our government is a total piece of shit failure. God, it's so bad. And I'll be, and the truth is that, yeah, like this, this is crazy, like a pandemic is crazy, but I mean, do you feel comfortable having this government in times of climate change? I mean, if anything, this is like a great way to go, holy fuck, these people don't give a shit. No, these people all need to go. Yeah, all.

Top to bottom. Page one rewrite. There's like four or five. There's like four or five they can stay. They would have to, they would have to, they would have to apologize. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I'll get to always have fun to have an uplifting chat, Dave. All right. Thank you for your support. Do we have a, what did we say at the end? We signed, we used to tour and we used to sign cars when we did. I feel like we're not going to announce that Australian tour anytime soon. All right.

All right. Carry on. Carry on, my friend. All right. Love.