The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 43 - The Past Times with Django Gold

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and guest comedian Django Gold Watch his new special here  Redbubble Merch

Alright everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Django Gold, hello Django. I'm really confused man, is it going to be from today or from another day? That's a year. This is where we need to have ever been just from today's news. And it's like, you know, Cincinnati Reds win a eight nine. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, we're really, Dave, we're really familiar with a lot of this stuff.

It's really, we haven't done that yet. Maybe today. We should. That would be really final prank. You're going to prank. You love, you love bags of tricks, which is the name of the special which is already out On September 6 which is now ish on YouTube so people should just search bag of tricks and Yeah, I like to go search my name and bag of tricks on YouTube that should come up. I promise it's funnier than my little newspaper riff back there up to twenty percent that's pretty good that's a good

that's a good uh... and uh... and that's exciting well how we like to normally start this uh... at least as we found ourselves on this show is uh... guess what uh... what year paper is from now you are more than welcome to guess 2023 if you think that that might happen. I normally, I feel like, I feel like we'll do something around 1907. So we're guessing with no information whatsoever. No information. I can give you some information.

Well, that'd be really fucked up obviously Yeah, let's stack the deck a little bit. All right Carey telling you the price range after someone else's guest So I'm picturing just like the stereotypical montage of important newspaper dates so based on that stereotype. Let's just go with 1929 Interesting Wow Well, you're both way off. Nice. It is Monday, May 3rd, 1745. Oh, damn. This proves to the haters though that a lot of the people think I get the years in advance and this just shows them no, Dave Or it could be it could just be a setup to make people think you don't get the files ahead of time either way

Either way, we're doing a great. We're doing a great job. Is that we're doing a great great job? Action All right, so on the front page. can't read the top corner word. Whether it says it says in parenthesis. Okay, so this is Maryland. Did I say that? This is Annapolis, Maryland. No, you did not. Is the Maryland, Maryland to Gazette? Our nation's capital. The nation's, yes. So I can't read the top. It's a city that it's is and then it says in

parentheses a city of the low countries. Okay, okay, this day, this day a clap of thunder was heard here. Wow. And soon after they're appeared sort of a phenomena in the sky. See the southeast. Which descended in the shape. Which descended in the shape of a pillar of fire throwing out rays of light. We page one by the end. This should be, this is a headline story. This is the toddler times.

No, this is real so poetic what do you talk to or Macormack McCarthy fucking apocalyptic language is so cool this is why this one new media is dying there's no fucking awesome pillars of fire striking down this mortal man it's better and by the way a great name for lightning why would you why would you say this is the toddler times these people saw a phenomena a kid explaining light a storm a fire clouds cry it's a pillar of fire it's not a storm it is a pillar of fire

listen i don't mind you're way you're way too casual about this news we're getting it there's a lot of fire i'm having some fun isn't that the aren't we here to have a little fun i'd i disagree i think that you need to be a little more excited we're talking about a pillar of fire i think it's a thrill that's a real

that's a great turn early okay so there appeared a sort of phenomena in the skies Towards the southeast which descended in the shape of a pillar of fire throwing out rays of light May we run it back one more time, Nadio? Which, as they came near to the Earth, broke and dispersed like fireworks. Yeah, certainly not something a child. Anyway. What? What do you represent? What are you, John Doppler? Can you control and? Is someone yelling who's yelling back there? That's all is there is your mom at home Me jingo who just yeah, who just you'll be waiting for are you getting in trouble?

I did not hear that is there some kind of spirit behind me that I'm not privy to well What do you really know is there no one? Is there no one in your apartment? I live alone alone. But Gareuth, did you not hear me? And Gareuth heard it. I completely heard that. What are you waiting for? Yeah, someone yelling.

What are you waiting for? My music is not on. There's no sound coming from my laptop. Oh, Gareuth, do you want to? Gareuth, you got any comments now that you've clearly summoned the spirits by making fun of them? I... If I'm responsible for the pillar of fire,

Giggle, no. Jango is going to be haunted, then yeah, I am up there. After mocking God in his works, you can expect some kind of roast coming. I feel like again, we're being very extreme. We're being very extreme. We're going to get an explanation now and we learned from a buckhole that the same thunder was heard there

and that the lightning had fallen upon their church and set it on fire the flames of which were visible a great many leagues off okay so they know what they were just using they were just being yeah they were they, so they know what language they were just using. They were just being, yeah, they were, they were using fiery language. What's the reaction to all this cool poetic language? I think that's a great way to start.

Well, I, where, how about some love and thunder's direction then? They're like, fire! Raining down from God's tower! And thunder! Also some thunder. I'll say thunder. Hey, look, so what happened here is that a church got hit by lightning God's tower and thunder also some thunder. I'll say thunder. Hey look So what happened here is that it a church got hit by lightning and was set on fire

So that's like where do you go from there if you're the church goers because clearly that's God going what you're doing is Absolute fucking on-sense. You have to think there's something something to play like that Yeah, they had to have had a talk about it at least or maybe they were like we're killing it This is what you'd want to hear like from like why did he do that? Be like look he's he that's where the mysterious ways always comes in Well, he doesn't not everything is a straight shot with this guy Sometimes he's gonna keep us guessing a little bit. It always is conducive to some kind of lesson I'm sure the lesson there is uh keep going to keep us guessing a little bit. It always is conducive to some kind of a lesson.

I'm sure the lesson there is a keep going to church. Yeah, we need money. Better. Better church. Better we need church now. And keep making the roof out of riddle straw with a big iron cross on the top of the right. The the message here is we need a stone church and purviews to the Lord's wrath and then a

apparition behind them an apparition behind them said what are you waiting for? the spirit has followed us across the centuries yes so this next one I think it's from the hagg Yes. So this next one, I think it's from the Hague. Wow. So sometimes these papers have blotches and on this one on the right side on the first page just kind of blotch a little bit, so it's hard to read.

But I think it's the Hague. Marshall Malamboi is said to have committed hostilities against the Elector of Cologne by seizing and carrying away a bridge belonging to his electoral highness near Newi. So bridge, bridge taking still a problem today. It's good to see something. The bridge lift, never end.

No, sure. People are always lifting bridges. And that's how you deal with the electric that you're mad at. You take a bridge. Yeah, of Cologne. Of Cologne? How many gets this? This is kind of boring, obviously.

Well, is that, what is Cologne? Were they making so much Cologne there that they were like, look, we're just going to give it to you? Is that really what happened? I, no, just going to give it to you. Is that really what happened? I am no, probably not, but it sounds good. Sure. It's good. Go with theories that I was have.

I wonder if these old newspapers, how much easier was just to fabricate a story? Like, yeah, so on solar bridge. Oh. Because no one's going to, what are you going to do? Like, write a letter that takes like three years to get to Germany to find out if this actually happened, you know? I think he's kind of to take it with the rumors of the pub. And it's also yeah, it's a lot of it's rumors of the pub and then

they also just there's a I take them all out when we go through these but there's a ton of like jokes and like little fake stories of like Frank said this and then someone said something back like that's super common in these papers I think we should get back to that. Yeah, I want to hear what the bar flies have to say about all that stuff Here's what a drug guy said reach for comment a shit face guy said thunder Just try to take my fucking bridge. I'll show you bro And quote, bridge fights. Freiberg, this is out of Freiberg, since we have begun to demolish the works of this place,

170 soldiers, miners, peasants have been blown up, burnt and buried in the ruins. What in the fuck just happened that's the whole thing that's it that's the whole story that fault that's that's lower down the important scale than the bridge that now we're still on page one it's exciting we've moved over to the other column this paper has two columns Munich yeah this is a What is all German news? This Annapolis paper is really a side card of Germany. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. bias.

So I think happy in America. Yeah, back then, papers were catered to their immigrant community. So we've got ones that are just English and stuff like that. Yeah, I am so sick. And a lot of people hated the German, like Ben Franklin hated the German. community so we've got ones that are just English and stuff like that. Yeah, I am so sick. And a lot of a lot of people hated the German like Ben Franklin hated the Germans. He's super our ex president Ben Franklin. But he loved fiery bolts from the he liked the Lord church fire.

Yeah. Uh, so this is not a Munich Upon opening the body of the late emperor, this is starting not good at all. Oh God, what is this? So. So upon opening the body of the late emperor, a general of decay was discovered that is astonishing. His imperial majesty should have lived for so long. So he, so the emperor died and they cut him open just to, you know, well, you got to get a look. See if there's any, there could be jewels in there or whatever. So you got to go in and they opened it up and they were like, holy fuck, how was this

guy alive? Like he's not, this is like what you have is with an alcoholic. You go holy shit. Yeah. How? Everything's liquefied at least obsessing on snops and pretzels for his whole life even at 1745 though surely they could just be like whoa but that would just be like a liver and they'd be

like discuss he's got a fish in him I'm surprised there was a cut open the emperor that seems like something that'd be like isn't like the emperor like a godly you want to just like come down and band him around for two bits again we It caught open the emperor. That seems like something that would be like, isn't like the emperor like a godly, you went just like, come down and band him around for two bits again. We should do that with presidents. Once the president dies, we should cut him open. Have a look.

Let's get a look at what's in there. I wanna see what's under the hood. Jimmy Carter is so altruistic. Yeah, why was he building other houses? Look at, here it is, here's the problem, a human heart. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Houses look at here it is. Here's the problem a human heart I a stone was found in one of the cavities of the heart that guy put it there someone put that Someone threw a pebble an eventacle come on. We all wanted to do that. This is like the June, the June mint episode. Also to be a winning lottery numbers.

A large, a large, fleshly, X-crisse since, well, that's not a word that I know of. Near the heart, his lung, his lungs almost entirely consumed, deliver absolutely destroyed. Okay, so he's not gonna- Okay, it was, it was, it was, this is like, now this is what the report said about my dad.

But people were all right. So drinking like whatever, and so the equivalent of like a lifetime of drinking would be like, have one glass of turpentine on Christmas. Oh, so good though. Oh my God, yeah, they drank like they were just constantly sauce back then The kidneys

Supported, okay, he was buried on the fort team. There you go They made So he died and they dug they dug her out in there and then they put him in the ground This is okay This is okay They dug, they dug her out in there and then they put her in the ground. This is okay. This is okay. Yeah, Mr. DeRotion Bolt, who commanded the best squadron is broke for suffering the British fleet to disengage their grand convoy without fighting.

For neglecting the advice of his officers and for shewing himself a bad subject by not making rejoicings at the King's recovery. Well, you get to be fair. Yeah. Now, where was this one? Is this the same one? It doesn't say, no, this is different one.

Okay, because I was wondering. It says, it sounds like, yeah, if you were rejoicing over the king's death, maybe there's an emperor time, but no, this is just someone else being an insubordinate. Yeah, this is a guy who didn't was not freaking out enough over the king. Yeah, basically. To which the wits of this place have added another odd charge

for suffering him, to for suffering himself to be wet to the skin by a great shower of English guineas. What? I think he got a shitload of money from the English. And he got what? I mean, I've been went over English, Gennies. He got wet over them, yeah.

I'm still kind of confused as to what this guy's relationship is with the king. Well, he's on the rocks. He commanded, he commanded a squadron. So I'm assuming he's some kind of general or something or... Sure. And then he got getting drenched. So for suffering, for suffering himself to be wet to the skin by a great shower of English guineas and not saying a word to his officers that they might have been refreshed as well

as himself. As if what? Yeah. As we had such ill luck by the water the last year our hero the count of dissacs is trying his fortune upon the ice this year and to undertake the siege of Osin as soon as the weather will permit. Oh, so a guy's gonna, a guy's going for the, he's attacking just on the ice

because last year the water didn't work because he can't walk on water. That's a lot of fun. The other guy, the context is the story Anthony. They're really just, I think the other, there's no context

because I think you're supposed to know who these people are and what's happening. They don't give you a, but they don't even tell you where. Nobody did it because it doesn't matter because everybody knows where Russian ball is. No, no guy is right. Well, guy is doing thing in place.

All right. Keep up asshole. All right. All right. And this one, this one is about the count to sac. So everyone's like, yeah, of course, the count to sacs. But that guy's to it. Yeah.

Sacs counter. No, well, okay. Yeah, he's got two sacks. I'm gonna give you that one. Johnny, two sacks. Cool baby. This is it. They write from from Barkway in Hartfordshire that on Friday last, as a labor belonging to Mr. Romant

was turning up some dung, he found a large plate of silver about. You know, and a lot of people when you're sifting through poop, they really are just like, dude, give it up. Then you come out with a bunch of silver to like, ah, I told you, I told you. It's like that meme with the rock and the diamonds that right after the guy gives up, you know, the minor. Yes, yes, just delicious diamonds. Yeah, shit tunnel. Yeah, and some of those days, yeah, what do you come home just telling like poop stories

about how you found nothing? Sure, but then it's this guy, this guy, it gives, you know uh, uh, some bullets and boar material for the rest of their careers. To think they all have that. Dung diggers. This is just going to lead to a huge Dung silver rush where people are just all digging through Dung. Yeah. Um, he found a large plate of silver about the.

This is the runner up trophy for Wimbledon! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's a adjacent outhouse. What the fuck this guy's like look from poop to poop the story of my silver He didn't know what the silver was he didn't know what it was so he threw it in the out house this story has a lot of holes in it Oh Vible gems, oh, they can't be that valuable to the trash with you Put it where the guys poop Yeah, I'm taking out of the shit and put it in the house the little house poop place. Yeah, yeah I'm gonna put it in the shit shed Oh, wow his master found it in the morning

We know and see it was What did I eat? What have I been eating? And erotic what is this and and sing it was silver ordered the man to make a further search in doing he found several viable pieces of plate amongst the rest an image weighing about three hundred pounds supposed to be gold. What?

So, so his boss master finds the silver in the outhouse and is like, go keep looking and the guys like, oh damn it. He's a bunch of silver and he's like, oh my god gold. Yeah, basically. This is like a magic pile of shit. Yeah. But what I'm getting is is the poor slave guy or whatever he is, Yeah, basically this is like a magic pile of shit. Yeah But what I'm getting is is the poor the poor slave guy or whatever he is didn't get to keep any of it the master Made him day through the shit Dave stop this guy needs a union Here we

Everything with Dave goes union the shit More powerful and their shit. Yeah the game day life yeah that's right yeah they got to make a deal negotiate you get like fifty percent of whatever you dig out of the ship might I remind you that this guy pulled shit out of the ground or pulled the silver out of the ground and then threw it in the outhouse so part of it is just education for the diggers garrith he knew it wanted to be in its natural environment, which was great. How put you were, I'll put you where the other stuff goes. Yeah, with your brothers.

I gotta say, I feel like a lot of these newspaper stories back there are just like total lies. Just complete like, it's all like myth. I mean, it actually is fake news. I really, I don't know where you're getting that. Come on. These things really happen. This happened. I mean, I don't know where you're getting that. These two really are very normal. I mean, you're the story all the time back then. Yeah, but it doesn't happen that often now.

Although I guess you do just like find money on the ground occasionally. Yeah, oh, every time I see a pile of dogs, should I got my hands in it. Absolutely. I remember this, this is what we just read is essentially how the Mormon start. Dave.

What? Bless your Mormon heart. That is so great. It started as a Joseph Smith prank. Uh. Hey there people listening to the dollop. This is Garif. Yes.

This is the same guy. I listen. I have a new podcast called We're Here to Help that I'm doing with my friend Jake Johnson. It's basically a call and advice show where we don't say that we're professionals because we aren't, but we try to help people with problems that are important to them. You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts and it is out right now.

So go listen to We're here to help with Jake and Garrett. We're here to help with Garrett and Jake. I don't remember how we did it. But either way, fun, half hour comes out Tuesday, August 22nd and episodes will be out every Tuesday and Friday. We're here to help. Next up, Kirby lofted that loft down, lost to lens down, maybe lens down. Kirby lens down in Westmoreland. The snow in this part of the country has been so deep that some hundreds of sheep and other cattle have been lost.

Come on, Kirby. The, come on. The people have been hindered from coming to market for two weeks past. A clotheier in this town was lost in the snow last Friday. What is he doing? I'm going to go get some cotton from the sheep. No, clotheier. No, no. But within these two days, the snow is in great measure melted and the roads are become passable. I mean, but that's a. Yeah, in the, you know, fucking pillar of fire. Yeah. And where's our poetic flare for snow? Who was taken by the

snow? Snow. Snow isn't like a fire level thing like fire's more exciting stop You get ground you don't you're telling me ground clouds aren't exciting Dave. Come on. You just gotta go for it Snow gets real good page b16 while fire gets the yeah, that's sort of stuff on above the fold Elbino mud See you just gotta try it is reported that the king of pressure is dead being killed by a party of his own guards but this is the first story I know right how to shit covering coins beat out the king of pressure being murdered by his own a Renault this is this is page two. Like, this is same.

They're like, do we, should we put it after the funnies? Yeah. Ah. He was being killed by a party of his own guards, but the authority of the relation seems as yet to slender to be depended on. Okay, so they're not sure if it's true. Okay. That's why it's not page one

They're like we don't want to put this page ones dead king Prussia Prussia's Germany, right? Yeah, basically so is this this is this is this the same as the king the other king that we're talking about that's the emperor that was the emperor So I think we're potentially are having a big a big week in brussia where he's a yeah yeah and i got cut open and we realized he had baby organs and then the king has been uh... mutiny bad bad week for brussia it's also crazy

yeah imagine opening the newspaper and seeing a headline the king might be dead might be dead Might be checking Until we know here's a guy who found coins in poo So I'm guessing the emperor is the Roman Emperor because that Like Rome is gone as we think of it, but it is just those titles are still around and there's still little collections of,

you know, territories or whatever. Well, I like to think that maybe they were cutting open a Roman emperor and being like, boy, how did this guy live? Look at his rotting organs. I mean, he's extremely old. Oh, this is a letter. Oh, okay, here we go.

To be sold at the subscribers shop in anapolis jezowitz bark at twelve shillings currency the pound where sundry and other medicines may be had at reasonable prices signed Alexander hamilton oh your boy your book way Alexander Hamilton oh your boy your boy Dave could you read that again in the style of Hampton Dave just read it again read it again with do your Hamilton Django Davis the best like that, yeah, yeah. In the Netherlands, Jesuit's Park at the 12-sheelings,

currency that pound, where Sunday another medicine may be had at reasonable prices. Hell yeah, dude. It's Broadway. Hell yeah. POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP Yeah, yeah, that was so good dude. I'm gonna have that in my head for the rest of the day. Yeah This didn't go well this whole thing is descending into madness. What are you talking about? What is Jesuit's bark? I looked up it's malaria treatment. Oh

That's interesting. What do I want to get the name Jesuit's bark? It's from a tree. Yeah, it's got to be from a tree, right? Yeah, they're just putting it wrong about that shit. It's just not, it's just not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's not cute. It's you malaria. Just published and to be sold by the printer hereof, price three shittings, a protest against popery, shuing the purity of the Church of England, the errors of the Church of Rome and the invalidity of the most plausible objections, proofs, and arguments of the church of Rome and the invalidity of the most plausible objections proves and arguments of the Roman Catholics humbly addressed to the

inhabitants of Maryland by Hugh Jones. Yeah. So it's an anti-Catholic book which uh you're opposed to you know very popular this probably very popular time with the the Protestants probably still is they could probably read this today and enjoy it. The other great slur, they call Catholics. It's papists. I always love that term. Yeah. Papers? Papists. So at the bottom it says, beware, left. Any men spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit

After the trition of men after the rudiments of the world and not after Christ It's pretty pretty fun Yeah, we are fun, aren't they To me, I just wish you were still doing your Hamilton thing Dave because that was really no That was why would you ever it just was so good like the way you did that on the fly was yeah you know you hate me the president's

oh wait i think he's doing another song jenga go ahead should you hate me yeah uh... so this is news out of uh... chameca sure the neager it's not no uh... the one where they went after so they started to make a queens and then they went to this island in the interest and that's that

or yet yet to make a queen's was first history's wide Jamaica the island that you make Is named after Jamaica Queens that's what I'm gathering yeah Well The niggers here had conspired to destroy all the whites and had very near accomplished their design for they were to put in execution the day after it was discovered. I mean, you know, I gotta say, yeah, white and stuff. Oh, well, it's a shame that it sounds like it didn't happen. There's no way it happened because we would know about it. Yeah, we would have the day off.

Okay, so it was discovered which was as follows. One of the chief conspirators wives told her mistrels that he and her master were to be murdered on the morrow as they went such a road. And then the neighboring planters were to be killed, and for they were to proceed to the town and set it on fire, first at one end of it, and then at the other.

This is a pretty good plan, actually. Yeah, great plan. And as the people ran in confusion to the same, they were to be stabbed and destroyed. That's a great plan. It's a good murder plan. Like if you're gonna kill a bunch of white people, smoke them out, then they're gonna be able to stab them.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like it's called Mexican food poisoning, fire up both ends. See you guys later. All is well. That's the concluding. Nothing more to accomplish in this podcast. The rest of the show fellas.

So was this just planned or did it was actually put into a fact? This was this was planned. They didn't get to do it. Sound covered someone snitched. Yeah, someone snitched. actually put into effect. This was planned. They didn't get to do it. I'm sad. I'm covered. Someone snitched. Yeah, someone snitched. This note doubt would have occasioned a great deal of bloodshed, though they had not accomplished their design.

The Jetta woman being much as frightened here as writes a letter to her husband then in town to acquaint him with the affair. But being at cards when he received a letter put it in his pocket and thought no more of it until the next day. Okay, so this is like a classic thing you see in like shitty movies. So the guy is playing cards. Someone hands him a letter from his wife or a wife. Yet her husband and he just takes the letter. He's like, Jesus Christ woman, quit nagging him and he puts it in his pocket.

And the next day he opens it up and it's like, by the way, they're going to kill everybody. Oh my God. Oh shit. That's why I read all this. I don't know if I'm gonna say it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, My special Should read all this an open mail by my door right now If someone's over texting you like yeah, blah blah blah blah, you know, and then the last one's like I can't handle it anymore Take care. You're like oh god. Yeah Yeah, fire Yeah, the the poor lady being very uneasy in her mind

and afraid to go outside the home, writes to Sir Simon Clark a neighbor to acquaint him with it as soon as he saw fit, he being of the council took horse and went to the governor where a private council was held. So then they figured it out and uh... took care of the business well good finally

it's just nice to see the whites get one yet one up and out pesky so finally occasionally the whites have to win i know that neither yet now it's the we're the globe-trotters of history yet they should win once in a while you know what I mean. Yeah, just the break every now and then How great would history be if the Native Americans got to the pistol first Just the greatest Will you write that movie?

had a movie. Will you write that movie? The column is showed up. They're like, yeah. And the column is like, oh, shit. I mean, this is amazing. We come in the first, you have the first ship rolled up, you know, or the penguins roll up and they just get hit by a bunch of cannons and sink. Like, it's a very different history. Oh, my God. Christopher Columbus, that'd be very chill very very quickly the line to get into america would be like the vip club you'd be like please please instead of us just being like look everything's gonna burn but the good news is uh... never mind uh...

good news is we're going home now the good news is we're going home now the good news is yeah uh... by a vessel arrived at hampton from libert pool in eight weeks their accounts that war is declared between holland and france but as we have no other authority than the common reports

Having not been seen or heard of any other newspapers being brought ashore we must refer our readers to the certainty of it Tell we have better Advises I mean eight weeks It's pretty crazy that uh... that it takes that long and they and they like getting news of like it's a war being declared to country's like look we can't really this is what i'm sure about this what is the situation is that it might not be a part of the time it appears right yeah no seriously about this the map right

yeah no seriously may not be a pressure by the time you read about and uh... there's no more questions sorry that took a so long and i was confusing between questions and russians for years but great news that's all done now that don't worry there's there's Russians and that's it.

On Wednesday, the 27th of March towards the evening, a small schooner, belonging to Captain Perrin, which sailed out of York River that morning, bound up the bay was an unfortunately lost by a violent gulf of wind which sunk the vessel near fleets bay a little above the mouth of raponok and all the persons in her were destroyed in her okay my only Okay Oh, yeah, there's so much jewels down there. They call it C-shit What huh Some of these are getting reachy, but I still think I've got like a 35% hit rate, which is D's You miss all the shots. You don't see that's what I say. That's what my poster says Okay, where we have this what a a drought so there were two passengers in her

oh just two passengers uh... mister george cibald brother of captain cibald a philadelphia and graves pack son of miss cera pack of leemsberg a very hopeful youth of about eighteen years of age as none of the bodies are yet found i don't i don't come on do we need that

boy wide-eyed ready to attack life he was anyway probably that and i felt with water and c-wade potential dripping out of his eyes now replaced by water. That's right, exactly. He was so full of hope, open-throated, now full of sand and death. Blowed it with potential, now just blown it with salt water.

with salt water. So as none of the bodies are with us. Graves pack. Graves. Graves. Who could have seen that coming? And we also lost my son, funeral Jones.

Nobody's nick watery, graves. Thought he had a well met front of him. We've also lost drowning Maclellan. I told you not to name him graves. Water lungs McLaughlin's gone too. Tragic misfortune, Harper. Unbelievable. As none of the bodies are yet found, the friends of the above mentioned unfortunate persons

request the favor of all good Christians who may happen to find or hear of their bodies being cast ashore and found that they may order them a decent burial. So they're literally saying, there's a paper saying, hey look please, if you find the body, my blade, my blade graves pack, can you put it in the ground instead of just walking past it? That's not my problem. I'm already late for work. The idea that there's so many bodies that you're like, if you see my son, will you please bury him? Please. This one. Don't just walk over it. I'm a bit of a pain like that. You can walk by the ones that are died of disease, but if they look like they died in a shipwreck, if you could bury those if they look real fat with water

and oh and what effects they have about them secured and notice given to mr. parks printer at the he's asking a lot now he's asking a lot now and whatever charge they may have been at will be by him thankfully paid so take all the stuff off and barium, bring it over here, I'll give you some dosh. Yeah, like take off his shoes, I guess close or maybe... Please get him naked, bury him, then let's meet up and we can negotiate.

If you could take the stone out of his heart and bring it to me, I'm in New Orleans. Thank you. Suck the last piss out of him, bury him, come to me, I'm in New Orleans. Thank you. Suck the last piss out of him, Barium, come to me, we'll talk numbers. As is our custom. I would like, I would like his eyeballs, if possible, send them back to his mall, just draw him and bring him to me.

Mr. Sabal was a middle-sized man aged about fifty years his apparel can't now be described okay his apparel now can't be described uh... so they're saying they don't know what he was wearing we don't know what he had on because he'll be on the board case yeah well you know how water changes your ensemble.

Yeah. What if these guys were full three piece suits while they were sailing back then? Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. Yeah, they were full. All of them look like wimpy. Mr. Pack was a thin slender youth, had on a scarlet, great coatat and a new green cloth waste coat with white metal buttons. That's quite an outfit.

We really know his outfit. If you find a corpse that doesn't have the buttons, that's someone else's. That's not it, yeah. That's it. We almost found him, but nope. Uh, is Velcro. A new, this guy, a new pair of leather breeches

and a new pair of boots and had a silver watch in his pocket. You know, the maker's name Bradford of London. This sounds like when your house burns down and you start talking about all the fine art that you had in it. Like, I feel like we're outfit punching up here. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't tell if they want they're like they just want to shit. They're like, hey man, this guy has some stuff on. But why would you but but listing all of it is there's I think it's time to just pardon the pun that ship has sailed about getting his stuff back. Nobody's going to be like silver watch. God. It's for identification purposes. It's because there are thousands of corpses washing up on the beach and they want to make sure you get it right yes yeah but it's got yeah but it's kind of reading like a scavenger hunt list yeah yeah it is the watch has a silver seal hanging to it and had a morning ring on one of his fingers. Bro, you ain't getting the watch back. Morning ring. Stop.

Morning ring. I'm warning ring. It's the different kind of morning. It's the Saturday morning. Oh, okay, that one's so fast. Sorry. But I like a morning ring better. Like it's morning time for my ring.

It's noon. Let's do the jewel change. Yeah. They both had money in their pockets and other effects with them of considerable value. Okay, so I thought I'm a guy because the relatives are saying what they had on them. And they're clearly trying. See you guys.

I have 40 bucks in my pocket. See you later. I'll tell you all these articles are fabricated from whole cloth. Let's go through these metal detectors So if I'm a if I'm a guy and I'm like and I live around the Bay I'm like hey man. There's a bunch of money to be had out there on the shore. Yeah, you've just created man treasure That please do not rob my thriving young grandson whose pockets are filled with gold a Walking punch, he were. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, fuck. This is not a Bristol. Nice.

By the cartel ship arrived at Poole with 230 English prisoners we learn that another vessel with 123 prisoners more was lost in a bay near St. Mallow's in a violent storm on Wednesday, Fortnite. But as several of those prisoners are since arrived here, they report that some of them were saved and others taken up dead floating on a loose. I can't read that. Oh, timbers of the vessel and who are supposed to have perished with the cold. Not dry. This is the shipwreck portion of the paper where they yeah and we I notice there's a lot less emphasis put on the rescue and burial of these

prisoners was a great graves yeah the rich guys get a lot of press rich guys. You guys need to be, let's bury. We're the poor guys. The prisoner is wearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, 200 dead prisoners. It's like, you're looking to that. Like, oh, Marmorduk, that's pretty funny. All right, 300 dead prisoners. Yep. Oh, horoscopes.

Ah, look at that. There's a new tailor downtown, huh? Oh, look at that. There's a new tailor downtown, huh? By the charming Molly Talbot from Montserrat, we learn that the union privateer, Captain Higgins of that place, which had taken many brave pizza prices. Sorry, pizzas. No, I'm interested. Finally, the candidate carrier that keeps them warm on the jaunt Which had taken many brave prizes from the French since the beginning of the war was

Unfortunately blown up by some unknown accident in November last a Lot of people are you enjoying? Are you enjoying the shipwreck section of the paper? in November last. No. A lot of pizza in the past. Are you enjoying the shipwreck section of the paper? It's wild, it's a lot. It was funnier than the last. Yeah, and it's nice to just see some organization. It's nice to just be like, all right, we got a theme.

They put them in a place altogether, it's all, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They put him in a place altogether. It's all yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is out of Barbados Finally some local stuff So this This is from December 8th 1744, so it took Five months to get this news. news said better be a fucking banger better be so fucking good it is better be big

the following is an account of the late disagreeable behavior of capture john apprentice who was commander of that well-fitted by lander privateer named the gray hound which mounted twelve carriage and 24 swivel guns, with about 90 men which had everything else necessary and which to his eternal dishonor it be spoken. He did surrender, give and deliver up

to our sworn enemies the French and the following manner I like them are still on ship and yeah I think I'm right now I yeah but I'm down to surrender shame we need to get back to that surrender shame yeah yeah I agree with that the ship should have gone down with the captain you got it yeah should have gone down to the captain you got it yet a ship goes down with the captain exactly it sounds like he had quite a like you know but it sounds like it is shit together you still kevin costler water

world it is it definitely is uh... okay wait ten leagues off saint vincent could but just perceive a sale upon which he called out to his gunner to know it everything was ready for defense and i know that sir we know the end nope

no he told him that he had but six guns loaded and those never having been discharge or unloaded well they'd never been let's it is the big this is the show this is let's go this is the whole! Hey are you ready if like we need you to fire all those guns? We got six of them! Six are good! We have like 90 right? Yeah! Yeah! Give me a day! Ha ha ha!

I came trying to read this but it's all... Yeah, it's blurred, it's gone. There's even a paywall back then. and Yeah, six and five tuppins. Yeah, I can't read it. Goddamn it. That's really annoying. Well, now what is that? What do you mean when you say you can't read it? What does that mean?

It's just too blurry. It's like so distorted and like. Right. Well, I mean, to be fair, it was probably shipwrecked. Hey, the past times will be right back. I wanted to hear how the coward gave up the ship though. They're clearly mad at him for giving up the ship be right back. I wanted to hear the coward gave up the ship though They're clearly mad at him for giving up the ship to the French. I wanted to know. Yeah, you know, I mean, there's great shame in that There's never a supporting details a lot of these articles. They are sort of like, you know thing happens

King dead you're wanting We don't like I want the reverse I want the reverse pyramid. I want I want what we. I'm a little modern one spoiled. Yeah, you do. You do be about the news. You're like, this can't be a thing because we don't have sources and we don't have no one's double checking. Yeah, these are all kind of like presented as like, you know, bedtime stories about shipship, ship sinking and kings being poisoned and so forth. I want some quote, quote, one quote would be good.

I get it. Well, the problem is is like, you know, we can trust the news now. Back then, come on. You couldn't. Yeah, come on. You don't know. Come on. I mean, it's just some guy in an apple. It's just, you know, printing out his prejudices and rumors he heard

Yeah, unlike you know Fox News or there you go The least Sean handy hasn't got got on the fucking news desk. I like I heard something crazy man So apparently eight weeks ago eight weeks ago, and I can't I can't back this up in any way But the king of pressure was killed by his own men yeah that's the body i can't be like prussian prussian king murdered yeah what is going on in prussia right now i mean he could have he could do that i I can do that. I can do that. Don't put it past him. And Greg Gutfield, I mean, he's got those eyebrows that make you sure he's telling you

the truth. He's got those sarcastic foreheads. That guy. He just sells it with his charm. He's the one that I really wanted. So this might be the last one because I'm having such problems with this. uh... one so this might be the last one because it's not my message problems with this uh... every man uh... his own doctor or the poor

we're getting back to this which is great we're close to this every man is on doctor or the poor planner's physician, prescribing plain and easy means for persons to cure themselves of all, or most of the distemper's incident to this climate. And with very little charge, the medicine's being the growth and production of this country.

Was that just a slide. Is this a Pfizer? Is this a Pfizer? Yeah, this isn't ad where you can cure yourself of stuff. It's pretty good. And it costs the cost? My de-stemper has been acting up lately. It actually doesn't have any place you could. So it's just kind of a, oh, it's sold by the newspaper printer.

Oh, it's sold by the printer here. How convenient. It is, it is so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so Tristan so he's just my wild stories. Please drink this potion. I made Interesting Very interesting so ads. I mean ads. They're now doing ads. I mean that's like Alex Jones She's like look honestly if you want to keep gay frogs out of your system you're gonna need the new Bone tone Bone broth brought specifically to you by bone tone. Bone broth brought specifically to you by... Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when meat

the press is brought to you by Boeing. I mean this was awesome. Yeah, pretty much. Probably a more stable journalism model back then, which is like you know everyone has their own least paper. I wish after. They can they can sell whatever tincture they can make in their bathtub. No regulation, no troublesome government medallion, sell whatever it is. It's not great, but when you look at what we have, it's really not great either.

So at least these guys don't have to do a sub stack or anything. Yeah, right. Okay, so I found, I found the one article I started to read and then it just got off and I couldn't, okay, so I got the other half. So this would be the last one. This is like, is this a sequel? Yeah, this is a sequel. This is exciting.

People were probably very upset that we didn't get to this and now we're getting to it. Yeah. Since we have begun to, this is the Freiberg one. Okay. Since we have begun to demolish the works of this place, 170 soldiers, miners, and peasants have been blown up, burnt and buried in the ruins. Jesus. The whole street of the Jesuits has been destroyed

by the accidental blowing up of a magazine of gunpowder. So that's what it was. So that's what happened? Yeah, the whole the whole street of the Jesuits. Where's your god now, Jesuits? Might have just been lightning. It's the street of the Jesuits. It's yeah yeah, that's it. We lost the favorite YouTube album, Street of the Jesuits. It's really the Jesuits is a fucking great album. It's real good. A great album.

How surprised must they have been once their gunpowder factory blew up? Yeah. Oh no. If that could happen here, it could happen anywhere. Yeah. Well, as always, what a weird little ride. It's been Django, Django Gold. Thank you for joining us. Your special bag of tricks, YouTube. I did, I did just, I did just find the guy, the second half of the one about the French

guy who was the guy who was ready to the French. What, what? All right. So if we recall where we were with this one was, he was, so the guy Barbados, right? They're upset because he's the French. And they had the cannons that they had never fired. Yeah. And never having been discharged or unloaded. We're so so that after several attempts

to fire them, only three would go off. And when Presence found some would fire, he immediately demanded and took out the match out of the gunners hand and with his foot, clamp, clamped, clamped the fire from it, then turning about to his men asked them one and all whether they were willing to fight or not upon which one program, second lieutenant, all trembling and and fearful said, God bless you, dear captain. We had better give up. We shall be more cruelly treated for it. Sivily, civilly treated for it. And seeing a man going to give fire to a gun, he stretched.

I can't read what that word is stretch scratched maybe the match unawares from him and threw it overboard oh the pilgrim the pilgrim he took the match to fire the cannons and tossed it over That was your entire supply of matches. I'm like, no, I'm gonna do that now. Why did we bring one match? We brought one match, are you fucking getting me? Well, look, we had to make room for, we brought so many board games with us, and... Not.

Uh. I didn't think this was gonna happen. Ha-ha-ha. By this time, the French loop had gotten under the bow and was ready to discharge matches. They were looking to trade trade some cannons for matches. And was ready to discharge broadside when they perceived another French loop bearing directly down on them upon,, upon whose firing one shot, the unfortunate bylander struck.

But behold, when the French officers came on board and found that metal she had and how well she was manned and fitted that I cried out, shame, shame to the English. Had it been a captain of our ships had behaved so meanly, he would have been hanged or burnt and they freely owned that if he made... So they, that is at least Christmas. So they got the surrender and then they came on and called them a bunch of pussies.

Yeah, basically. Wow, you guys really, fuck, wow. You're such puss's, look at you. We were not done that. Welcome to the shit cowardship. Yeah. You weak, weak, weak man. And I guarantee you, there were more matches.

Dudes were smoking, they were probably just like, I'm not gonna give them my smoking matches. No, everyone threw the cigars over this side of the ship i've never seen a match in my life what does it look like sir uh... they said if he had made the the least resistance they they must have surrendered or got clear

being in a very mean condition for want to be ammunition after this he and all this men were carried to Martinaqo, where his image was formed, hanged up, fired up, and burnt in his presence. What happened? To let him see his image. Yeah, they did it in an epigee. They put up a poster. This is you.

Look what we do to your face. Oh wow, that's really wild. Can't let sucks. Can I go now? What did you feel like? May I leave? Wow, I'm never gonna let this one down. Yeah.

This was to let him see what derision they had him. And from thence, oops. And from thence, by a flag of truth, he and all his men were brought back to us here, where he must not show his posteriors much less his face for which reason. That's tough. Can't do ass or can't show us. Yeah, he can't go ass or face. Like, what do you? Yeah, no, black. I can't even ask. I can't even ask in this town. I can't ask i can't ask you to put your head between your legs and walk

what the only work uh... he's for which reason he cunning and perceptibly got home where he has hit himself to lament his cowardice behavior she's but however the next day after his arrival, his and his second lieutenant's images were made

and publicly hanged in the horse meat market. That's what's important. Their images or them? Yeah, they did it. So the French did it, the French did it to them on that little island. Yeah. And then they let him go and he came back

and now the people in his town hid his, and his seconds images in the horse meat market and everyone's making fun of them. So take that motherfucker. Yeah, I would be like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously.

Yeah, no, seriously, you guys, good. Take it all out of my picture. Oh, man, that sucks. All right, I'm gonna go have dinner whatever You guys tried horse Well again, Django, thank you bag of tricks YouTube Go check it out Django gold. Thank you very much for joining us. Absolutely. We learned I learned very little but it took a while. Who's your most similar community to you like Joe Rogan or

Yeah, no Because of my my physique and beliefs Yeah, this will sound vain perhaps I get this I get compared to normal Is that true nice? All right, so you got your got this special then cuz that guy's actually funny Special will like somewhere in the ballpark I figure a lot like Whitney Cummings. Hey!

Oh, well, don't worry. We have an editor. We're an editor. Don't worry about that. Alright, well that's the adventures of Maryland in 1745. So thanks for joining us. That was exciting. I really had no idea how weird newspapers used to be. Yeah. I really had no idea how weird this paper is just to be. Yeah, this paper.