The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 46 - The Cereal Men - Live w/ Patton Oswalt

Episode Date: January 3, 2015

Comedians Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds, and Patton Oswalt examine the creation of cereal in America.SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Welcome to The Dollop. This is a special episode this week. Each week I, Dave

Anthony, read a story from American history to my friend Gareth Reynolds and he's never heard it before but this week it's a little bit different because it's live is taped at Meltdown, the Nerdist Theater, Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles, California at the end of November or the beginning of December and we are joined by Patton Oswald who is a very funny gentleman you may have heard of. So please listen to this it's a really long one it's about two hours. Here's here's the episode with Patton and Gareth. Ladies and gentlemen and rubes of all ages welcome to the live dollop at Meltdown.

Here's your hosts, Dave Anthony and Gary Reynolds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Moves to Ireland. Colin McCoy he wrote the theme song.

You kind of did though. It's not for fun. Thank you. It's actually it's Gareth. It's actually it's Gareth. I appreciate it. I really thank you guys but again it is actually the name is Gareth. So just so we're okay.

Whatever. You gotta get there because I don't know where it's getting lost in translation. Feels like I've been really clear the whole time. So welcome to the dollop. This is a historical podcast and each week I read a story to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is. But tonight I'll be reading my story to two gentlemen. One of them I like to refer to as the great American gas pack.

Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswald. Yeah girl. There you are girl. Yeah. All right. Why do you get a mic stand in it? Because I'm the one. Because you just get to sit there like douchebags making comments and I do all the work.

And then I fuck up words and people send me mean emails. Oh the Thanksgiving one I got an email from a Native American. You changed my name. Holy shit. I got an email from a Native American that was unbelievable. It was like I had brought smallpox over. Yeah I get it. I fuck up a lot of names.

I did a lot of drugs and I was younger and something got fucked up. I will fuck up words. I apologize. That's what happens. You probably mispronounced dirty engine. That was probably what it was. We mispronounced that. I'll bet.

I did. That was the one about car repair. I did. I remember that one. It was the early 1800s. God damn it. Always good. Always good.

Always good. Stop it. Stop. Hang on. Before you start. Whenever something happens in the 60s or 70s, 1960s or 70s, those are fun. All right. If anything happens in the early 1900s, they are important.

Anything that happens in the 1800s on this podcast is the most depressing, depraved. If we start off and go back all the episodes that take place in the 1800s, you want to take a shower in hand sanitizer. If there's a way. So here we go. It was the early 1800s. Fuck. Yeah, it was.

In the burned over district of New York state. I'm sorry. Did you say burned over? Burned over. Oh. The burned over. Wait. I'm sorry.

That's it? That's the whole story. Oh wow. That was really good. That's nice. The burned over district was the western and central regions of New York state in the early 19th century where religious revivals and the formation of new religious movements of the second great awakening took place.

Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. New York stretches over a large distance from New York city. This is for the Australians. There we go.

Yeah. New York stretches over a large distance from New York city. I thought New York was just a dog stain. So we're talking about the part of the state that butts up against Lake Erie. It's over there on the west. It's a very large state. The term burned over district was coined by Charles Grandison Finney. He believed the area had been so heavily evangelized that it had no more fuel left over to burn.

The fuel being the unconverted and the burn being the converted. Holy shit. That is not good. Yeah. And also can I say a nickname shouldn't involve a one paragraph asterisk to explain the nickname. There's my old friend two sheds. Now he got that name because he originally lived, dude, if it doesn't, it's not evident. Don't give that.

It actually is a 10 year tale about two crazy sheds. Sit down. It's to shorten his name. Sit down. At this time, Western New York was still a frontier. This meant that professional and established clergy were scarce. Many of the people living there were self taught and susceptible to folk religion. Well, there we go.

Here we go. Strap in kids. Here we go. Here's the seed we water tonight, gang. That's another really dark thread throughout the dollop, self taught never ends well. Whenever Dave says self taught, here we go. Innovative religions blossom. Oh boy, not good again.

Keep going, but terrible. Here we are. They were all founded by lay people who were coming up with new and exciting twists on Jesus. He was made of rainbows. Have you heard of dolphin Jesus? Sit down. The Oneida group was located there. That's the cult.

For those of you who didn't see the live one that we did at LA Potfest. It's up on YouTube. The Oneida group is part of that. That's the cult that the young Charles Gattu who shot one of our presidents. Very sadly, and then he died over a period of months. That's how we all want to go. That's where the Oneida group was from. Now William Miller was a prosperous farmer living in the Burndover district.

In 1810, he left the Baptist religion and became a deist. No organized religion for him. Then he fought in the war of 1812 and when he came back, he read something in the Bible and was like, oh, shit, I'm going to be a Baptist again. What was it he read, Dave? Nobody knows. Oh, okay. But it was handwritten.

The Bible's a crown. Look, Jesus said my name here. Bill Miller. Hey, Bill Miller. He's got those cartoon bubble talk things. Yeah. Speaking right to me. At this point, all of his deist friends started bugging him, making him justify his new change

of faith. So William Miller began to look at the Bible very closely. Okay. Oh, good. And he also, having been educated, he knew math. Was it self-taught math? Yeah. Two plus twos, whatever I want.

By the way, knowing math in the early 18th century, you're basically Gandalf. Right this way, sir. Right this way to the math table. Hey, dude, that guy, that Bill Miller guy, he took it number three, and then he took it number two, and it was just fucking five. What the fuck? I swear to God.

Get him. Fucking five. I'm trying to bring my stillborn baby back to life. He made five out of a three and a two. He's a wizard. William Miller came up with his own ideas about religion. And he based his belief on Daniel 814. Unto 2,300 days, then shall the sanctuary be cleansed.

Boom. Yep. Naturally, he assumed the cleansing was a great fire when Christ returned. Then he used what he called day-year principle. This interpreted a day in prophecy to be a calendar year instead of the usual 24-hour period, as was commonly believed. So he stretched a day into a year. All shit he's making up on the fly.

Self-taught math. Self-taught math. It's math. That's not good, though. That is not good. What I've heard so far, not good. Then he decided that the 2,300-day period started in 457 B.C. When the king of Persia decided that Jerusalem should be rebuilt.

It all makes sense. I feel like it's going to be approaching the day he lives in. It's simple math. I don't know where you get that. Well, it's self-taught. So if you use these simple calculations, you will come to the obvious conclusion that this period would end in 1843. That's not good.

Not good. Not good. What? Couldn't he have just worked out a blackjack system or something? So Jesus is returning. Oh, good. In 1843. Yeah, yeah.

I remember reading about when he returned in 1843. Yeah. And it makes sense that Bill Miller would figure that out. And Jesus was bringing a great cleansing fire. Yeah. No, Jesus will bring it. As we all know, Jesus will. Yeah.

Not water for Jesus. When Jesus was ascending, he told his disciples, just check with Bill Miller. He'll let you know when I come back. Bill Miller, I'll let you know. Bill, yeah? Talk to Bill Miller! Water will be fire for the bath. There will be fire!

That was Jesus' last words. There will be fire! Dad? So he wrote all this shit down in 1822. Makes it real. And then he hit it. Hit it. And then he tucked it away.

Oh. For the right time. Oh boy. The right time might be, go ahead. While Miller was waiting to unleash his genius on the world, sorry. Both! Both! Yeah.

Both. Yeah. Unleash your Jesus is a Katy Perry song. Please. Because my daughter sings at 18 fucking times a day. It was the, in Connecticut, there was an evangelical, evangelical minister named Sylvester Graham. Sounds like a sweetie. Yeah.

It was the 1830s, so the temperance movements were picking up steam. But while his fellow reformers were concerned with issues like alcohol and tobacco consumption, women's rights and slavery, Graham was concerned about sex and masturbation. We gotta get these two crazy kids together. Pat, that's the first thing we're gonna do. Good news. I bet they're gonna meet. You got Bill Miller and my Sylvester Graham.

You got Sylvester Graham and my Bill Miller. It's the end of the goddamn world. Let's masturbate! Graham thought Americans recreational sex and masturbation were making Americans physically ill. Oh. Yeah. This was not a new idea, but Graham was the main man fighting against sex in America. The idea of sex and masturbation began being bad with Swiss physicists.

Swissophists. Swissophists. Swissophists. Simon Tussaud in 1760. That was when he published Le... Is that where you get General Tussaud's chicken? Yes. Okay.

Is that what this dollop is about? All right. I know this story. I'm gonna leave. He published Le Onnanamzee. Sure. Ready for the email. It's just a big...

No, I know. Some masturbator's gonna be like, Oh, damn you! I'm running with one hand! Which was a comprehensive medical document on the ill effects of masturbation. Tussaud argued that semen was an essential oil and stimulus that when lost from the body in great amounts would cause a perceptible reduction of strength, memory and even reason,

blurred vision in all of the nervous disorders, all types of gout and rheumatism, weakening of the organs of generation, blood in the urine, disturbance of the appetite, headaches, and a great number of other disorders. Wait! That really is like the side effects of C. Alice. Yeah, yeah.

Right? Also, by the way, excessive masturbation does not lose nerve control. Boy, let me help you! Sorry, I wanted to... Sorry. Wow. What the...

These guys! I like that it also will be passed down for generations. You'll be like, My son can't breathe properly. Hope you came well. Did your mother take flaminamide? Yeah. I shouldn't even be.

I shouldn't be allowed to say words over two syllables. We gave these kids flaminamide! Hi! Oh, it's been if it's passed down and some guy like, Smithers, that's the eighth order you screwed up. Well, daddy was a master bait. I didn't know that's what I did. I was doing the best I can.

No, no, no, we'll give you extra time. I didn't know you were a master bait. Daddy was a master bait. I had no idea. What hardships. Literally. To those findings were treated as a scientific breakthrough. Luminaries like Kant and Voltaire

and others published his findings, which led to masturbation being considered a debilitating illness. Voltaire published this shit? Yep. Oh, geez. He was in on it. Oh, for God's sakes.

That's a bummer. It became... I like Voltaire. God damn it. And James L. Roy. And, well, that actually makes sense. It became a movement. Another famous...

Not literally. Get it? You know the only way to stop a movement. And it became another famous book, which was anonymously published at the time, was Oninia, or the heinous sin of self pollution and all its frightful consequences. So...

Oh, that looks good. That looks like a good book. Some to fall asleep with. Yeah. All right. Got my bed book. So, Sylvester Graham was just picking up with this idea and running with it.

He made his name by giving popular speeches admonishing masturbation. Believing it. Believing it. Well, welcome to tonight's speech. Are you guys ready to hear about non-masterbating? Yeah! I can't hear you.

Sorry. Flash pot. Put your dick away! I would love, love to see a non-masterbation speech. Well, I'm out. You want this seat? He believed masturbation would inflame the brain more than natural arousal

and therefore result in insanity. Back then, masturbation was referred to as self abuse and many women were said to have fainted during his speeches about jerking off. What? He was like the Tom Jones. Yeah, he was exactly like the Tom Jones. As I slowly stroke dead.

I did not tickle my balls, ma'am. I want you to not want a masturbation. Live at Budakon. Welcome to NoBate. Graham considered sex more than once a month to be pathological. This might also have been because he had 17 brothers and sister meeting his parents never, ever stop fucking.

No. I mean, literally never stop fucking. And in that time, everyone was like in the same room and houses and was like, here, here, here, here, here. Ah, not another one! Shut up, I don't want to sin! Oh, Graham, I'm coming in your mommy!

I'm coming in your mommy! Oh, Graham, I'm coming in your mommy! Get my sex rag, I'm done. Oh, Sylvester, get that sex rag in here and wipe your mom off. By the way, this is my boy, sex rag. How are you, son? What are you doing, son? Wipe daddy, wipe daddy.

Wipe daddy off. Graham encouraged people to take control of their health by repressing their carnal urges. Obviously, some people's sexual urges were stimulated by a diet of flavorful, fatty, and meaty dishes. In Graham's view, the correlation between sex and health was simple. The more immoral the activity,

the more bodily harm was done. Quote. Pimples are a type of animal. Pimples are a livid cue. Wow. Come out upon the forehead and about the nose and sometimes over the whole face. And even ulcerous sores, in some cases,

break out upon the head, breast, back, and thighs, and these sometimes enlarge to permanent fistulas of a cantress character and continue, perhaps for years, to discharge great quantities of fetid locem pus and not infrequently terminate in death. No wonder the ladies fainted. I can't handle this. Swoon.

Say, fed it again. And that is from masturbate. Yes. Okay. And if you had sex too much. Okay, too much sex. That's a masturbating is the number one reason that you would get a giant, fetid source.

If you've got to put in something, not your hands. Yeah. There's like this sweet spot you've got to hit. That's what he's giving you basically. He's saying you can fuck a lady once a month once a month any more than that. It's like an orgasm advent calendar in a way. It really is.

Yep. But it's yearly. And the last window you open, there's a little elf going, it's fuck day. Oh, thank God. I was going to pop. Graham believed Americans could stop debilitating stimulation and fine salvation through clean living

and healthy food. So he created a diet. The grand diet consisted of simply prepared bland foods with lots of whole grains, mostly fruits and vegetables, no spices, meat, alcohol, or tobacco. Even pepper was banned. Have you ever had like pepper on something and then not been able to jerk off?

Well, that's why the waiter asked to say when. He's like, how bad do you, are you jerking off? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. A little more. I'm done.

A little further. I'm done. You finished? Yeah. Where's the white boy? Graham believed that adhering to the diet would prevent people from having impure thoughts and in turn would stop masturbation.

Besides leading to insanity, he also thought it led to blindness. Well, that was a rumor that like translated to like high schoolish times, right? I don't think that's ever stopped. Did Harry Palms go blind? Yeah, you get hair on your palms. Yeah, you get hair on your palms and go blind?

Yeah. Never heard that? Whenever you go bald. Where did you go to school? I went to a monkey high school. Oh, that's interesting. Everybody had hair on their palms. Oh, that's great.

They're perfect, yeah. See yourself taught. Yeah. The permitted fruits and vegetables were eaten to be eaten in small quantities, meals a day, and chew them slowly with plenty of saliva. Otherwise, you'll want to ejaculate. You chew too fast.

You'll be coming all night, my man. Yep. Grashed apple equals coming in your pants. Everyone knows that. If you want a poster that says that, you can take one. They're free. Graham also advocated radical ideas for the time about health and hygiene, such as bathing regularly.

What? Taking in fresh air and sunlight, drinking clean water, wearing comfortable clothing, and exercising daily. So that was all shit people didn't do. So if we could just stop them from masturbating, these unwashed people in uncomfortable clothing not breathing any air, they'll be in the moon by 1850. Man comes on moon.

Finally. We get these smelly farmer apes to stop jerking off. We have a maglev system. Thousands began to follow Graham's diet, and they were given the name, Grammites. Spurred on by people concerned about a cholera epidemic that swept through New York in 1832. People testified about his diet's life-changing effects

from recovery of physical and mental ailments from nervousness and despondency to a dizziness and severe headache. So he was, by having people eat better and breathe air and take a fucking bath, they were like, oh, I don't feel like a fucking piece of shit. Oh, that's because you're bathing, you animal. It's a real either-or. I could bend my arm because there's no more dirt on it.

That's right, but don't bend it for naughtiness. I took soap and I cleansed the possum babies out of my ass crack, and now I don't have dengue fever. It's weird. Don't you go masturbating and get dengue now. One of the reasons the diet took off and people felt better. The diet. The diet took off.

No, you said diet, but it's shocking that this is called a diet. Yeah, it's a diet. Yeah, basically, yeah. It's because people ate shit at the time, complete shit. Those were jam-packed with grease and meat products. British astronomer Francis Bailey wrote in his diary that his landlord at a Virginia Inn served a breakfast of beef steaks, sausage, stewed veal, fried hams, eggs, coffee, and tea.

I will say, have you seen the Morning Taco Bell menu? With a hash brown, I think we have it. I think that's actually something you can get at Denny's right now. Yeah. The all meat plate and eggs. Well, you know, that was gluten-free, everything that you read. I'm just saying, it's gluten-free. Totally gluten-free.

His next diary entry noted simply, I've died. I just died. Whilst at the place, we buried our landlord. Wait, what? He did die, the landlord died. Well, he was there, he died. Because he was taking veal suppositories.

Every morning, good morning. That's tiny cow up my ass. Things got much worse as you headed away from the east coast and into the frontier. It became all about pork. Slice, chopped, or torn from the bodies of hogs, most often salted so that it would keep. Pork was served up in thick chunks for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Pork wasn't just the other white meat, it was the only white meat. And the only thing on the table for most Americans. One adventure, sniffing the breeze to discover the essence of the brave new land, came to the conclusion that everything tastes in smells of hogs grease. That's why no Jewish gunfighters. Why would I move to Laredo? Screw this, I'm not doing it. Well, staying in New York, having nice chicken, you know, some creplach.

I can't get a good matzo ball out here at the frontier. I can't duel tomorrow, I can't. I've had nothing to eat, there's nothing to eat here. I won't do it, I won't. People therefore suffered incessantly from arteriosclerosis, heart disease, and dyssepsia. Everyone back then was moaning and clutching at their stomachs. 19th century America. Imagine living in a world where you walk up in the morning.

Ah, fuck! How's your wife? Oh, she's got the diarrhea. She does? That is my wife and me. I got meat cramps. Meat cramps, meat cramps. Four scorers. Oh, fuck!

Seven. I'll take over, mister. Oh, shit! It's so... John Wilkes boots like, mister? Fuck! Shit! And yet it's hilariously not far off from, like, Mississippi today.

Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah. Mississippi, we bringing that back. We're the original hipsters, man. We started the grunt greeting. How are you? Ow! 19th century America suffered from one huge bloated gaseous painful enormous bellyache. Defined in the mid-17th century as difficulty of digestion or fermentation in the stomach or guts.

Dyssepsia was the disease of the steel age. All classes in all ages suffered from its attacks. And noted the 1830 edition of a cyclopedia, Americana. Dyssepsia was so much a part of the American lifestyle. One compile of cookbooks referred to it as Americanitis. Shut the fuck up. Why did that ever go anywhere? How have we not...

How is there not a restaurant called Americanitis? How are you doing that from America? Oh! You know, you didn't have to tell me where you were from. I heard you farting off the plane. I could tell. What are you doing, only pork? I'm on the pork diet.

I'm from America. I know, I know. We know, yeah. You're leaving a trail as you walk. National Anthem should just be like one long fart and then a groan. That should be the... An all rise. Yeah!

Play ball! All right! Pork, get your pork here. Fresh hot pork. Diapers! Americanitis diapers! A visit to a store was described like this. When one enters the door, a bell rings.

Hello, Mrs. Johnson! Which calls... Which calls the attendant from the barn. The barn. Because that's where the store guy is, out in the barn. I'm just picking a pig shit! He plunges his unwashed hands. A good start.

There you go. To any statement. Into the pork or pickle barrel. What? Cut cheese or butter, often drawing kerosene and molasses, and wiping the overflow on his coat sleeve. What? Just masturbate.

The maple... Sweet. God! The maple syrup bottles stand nearby, and the keeper himself has been seen to take a swallow at them from different times when his tweet tooth called. Hold on, he's like... He just takes a big swig.

You want a hit or you've got... This is someone's going to buy that. So... Hold on, my hand's in my ass. Shopping for groceries. Was a death sentence. What? You walked in a door and a man covered in pork

and maybe drank syrup. I've been up to my elbows and pork in the whole day. It's time for a sweet treat. I just earned myself a sweet treat. I was in the pork belly for 15 minutes. I have a sweet treat. You want a sweet treat? You see my doctor told me I have to go on a little bit of a diet.

So I'm drinking more syrup. Yeah. You get it. I'm doing a syrup and pickle juice cleanse. Anyway, what piece of pork do you want out of this barrel? Or do you want to try your luck with the pork barrel? Or you can lick my apron. An apron licks a salty nickel.

So Graham's diet was embraced by a lot of people. Graham was also very upset with white bread. Sure. His main target was white flour stripped of its healthful germ. Graham saw white flour as a poor substitute for whole wheat. It did not give the teeth or the stomach a proper workout and it led to a lazy colon. He wrote in the treatise on bread and bread making.

My Bible. Yeah. That's my favorite Michael Bay film. That's his best adaptation of our treatise on bread making. It's pretty amazing. It's really good. It's great. Graham accused commercial bakers of not only refining their flour

into a sinful extreme, but also growing their grain on debauched and exhausted soil. Artificially stimulated with animal manure. Bakers were furious. They attacked a Boston lecture hall where he was scheduled to speak in March 1837. The bakers are coming. They do like a drive by flowering or something.

Throw flour at them. Now roll yourselves out. Wait, what did we do? Go, go, go. Graham barely avoided being physically assaulted in the confrontation. His reputation took another pounding. The bakers.

And we've got milk men in tow in case you are wondering. His reputation took another pounding when the staff doctor of a Boston lunatic asylum declared that Graham was obviously insane. Well, that hurts. Yeah. Doesn't help things. By the way, that's how bad America was.

The anti-masterbation lunatic was right about every fucking other thing. That's the world. This is the twilight zone that Americans were living in at the time. They had to call off one lecture because they thought it would lead to a riot of bakers. A baker riot?

There's bread everywhere. These cakes aren't rising. His ideas on diet and hygiene were largely ridiculed. Ralph Waldo Emerson called him the Prophet of Bran and Pumpkins. Boom. Which would easily get him to be the Starbucks CEO. That's right.

Yeah. That's a rap diss that I ever heard one. Yo, man, this is the Prophet of Bran and Pumpkins. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, he didn't. But Graham's followers still grow in numbers. Graham was not the first to espouse many of these ideas,

but he singularly made health a moral crusade. Some saw him as a visionary. During the 1830s, many American Puritans took up the diet. At one point, it was strictly imposed on students of Oberlin College by David Campbell during the period in which it was enforced summer rebellious students ate off campus. Whoa. All right.

Take that system. They're like the Delta House of Oberlin, man. Come on, Pluto, let's go get some salt pork. Hey, Larry, you want to get some white bread? Yeah. Little syrup shake. Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. That crazy fraternity with her eating white bread.

You guys are rebels. At one point, a professor was fired for refusing to stop bringing his own pepper. OK, so. So. Wow. What did I tell you, Professor O'Donoghue? I don't remember.

No more peppers, sir. All right. All right, not here. Wait, what? You're fired. For what? Pepper. You're bullshit.

You have a fucking master base. Not the bakers. Graham's system of living even inspired the establishment of several male-only boarding houses where Grammite meals were served, and Graham's precise sleeping exercise and bathing regimes were strictly enforced. It's just so crazy. So that was the least masturbating place on Earth.

It's fun to stay at the Grammite hotel. Fun to stay at the Grammite hotel. You can hang out with guys who do not masturbate. You can eat lots of fruits and grains. Add up. Sorry. Graham, speaking, feeds well to as much as 300 per night as he jumped into new areas of medical investigation.

He preached against. Such as. Here we go. He preached against the danger of feather beds and tight corsets, claiming that folly and dress killed 80,000 Americans a year. He criticized schools, warning that the disappropriate exit, they were a disappropriate exercise of the brain.

And it was dangerous. You got to be self-taught. And schools were dangerous for, they lead to a general debility of the nervous system involving the genital organs. Oh, there we are back to the genies. So that's good. Well, if you go to school, you don't want to learn too much or your penis will fall off.

I've always said that. I'm unwrapping. I ain't sending my son to some school to get his dick fucked up. Goddamn books. They'll probably slam his dick in the book. That's what Graham's talking about. His friend went to school. You know what happened?

He got no balls or a dick. They're both gone. I don't know where they went. He cracked a book. His dick fell right off. Brought his own pepper too. You're going to read yourself into being a eumnic. Such eccentric opinions caused Graham's light to fade

on the national stage. Oh, why? So he crossed a line. He crossed a line with the stools in the corsets. Oh, that's going to hurt your jaw. You're going to get a sense up until now. Yeah. When he started talking about corsets, that was his Billy Idol's

Love Me Tonight. That was when that video came out and killed his career. That was his, look it up, people. It destroyed a career in one night. Look at the fuck up. I'm sorry, rock you tonight. What about? Rock me tonight.

Not Love Me Tonight. How about Michael Keaton's Jack Frost? Oh, fair. Yeah, but he came back. Yeah, well, it's going to take Graham a while. Well, maybe there's a bird man in his future. Let's find out. He retired.

Fingers crossed. He went to Northampton, Massachusetts, where he continued to pour forth medical and spiritual advice. And not jerk off. He had an ugly end. Oh, no. By 1850, his health and status had declined to the point where one of his neighbors described him as...

Oh, boy, this is exciting. In firm, seated in a wheelbarrow. What? Wait. You didn't... Wait, just to be clear, you said wheelbarrow. Say wheelbarrow? In firm, seated in a wheelbarrow.

Okay. And clothed in a long dressing gown of bedticking, wheeled through the streets to the post office by a man's servant. That's how I want to end up. That's where I see myself. Let me put on my nightgown and take me to the post office. Wheel me around like dirt. A wheelbarrow is your mode of transportation is kind of fucking awesome.

And you have a man's servant. A guy... What does that guy do when he's off work? Hey, so what do you do? What's your job, man? He said, I push this crazy guy around a wheelbarrow all day. And he just doesn't jerk off. And, hey, look, no pepper in my life.

That's all I gotta do. I'm a riding baker by week, and then I'm a wheelbarrow man at weekends. Today, Graham is most famous for developing his own process for making whole wheat flour, which he used for his graham bread. Today, we know this as graham crackers. Oh, man. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just ruin graham crackers a little bit? You did, right? Wow. Like, they're now... They're not as good. You... Wow. The Nabisco company is going to come after you so fucking hard.

Masterbaters eat goldfish. Could I just say to... Yeah, to... To whoever's listening, I'm just a guest on this. I do not want to piss off big Graham. That's all I'm saying. I do not want to piss off big Graham. Jesus!

For the man who don't want to stop jerking off! Are your hands greasy? Use them! Come like a cannon with triscuits! That's their slogan. That's why they got those quadrants, right? Today, we know that as graham crackers, though it has been transformed into the very thing he spent his life railing against.

Sweet flavor and mass production. Amazing. Jesus, that's right. What a great legacy. So he made them flavorless and someone was like, let's put some sugar or honey in here. Fuck that guy. Oh, they taste good.

Ah! I've always loved maple syrup. Maybe we pour a little of that on there. Have a wackadoo. You know what would be good on this vegan salad? Bacon birds. Bingo. Add some bacon birds.

No one will know. Now, back to William Miller. Oh, okay. In 1831, in the town of Justin, William Miller decided it was time to reveal his Bible math theory that Jesus was about to return. Isn't it great that you almost forget about the Bible math theory as knee-deep as we are in this?

And he read it at a lecture there, and people's minds were blown. He then wrote 16 articles for the Vermont Telegraph, and everyone was in. Uh-oh. I began to be flooded with letters of inquiry respecting my views and visitors flocked to converse with me on the subject.

He became overwhelmed with requests from people to travel and give speeches about his awesome new Bible end days math. So he wrote a book. Oh, boy. Evidence from Scripture and History of the Second Coming of Christ about the year 1844 exhibited in a course of lectures. So he didn't have an editor. Right?

By the year 1840, it was gone. Or Super Fudge. That was the other title. Or Super Fudge. Fudgerama Super Fudge. By the year 1840, it was on. Millerism had gone from a local wacko idea to a national campaign.

It was driven by periodical literature. There were at least 48 Millerite periodicals being circulated. It spread to Great Britain, Britain, Norway, Chile, and Australia. Hello. Yeah. I'm sorry. What was that?

That's a shout-out to Australia. That seems to be your accent for every country, by the way. I'm just saying. No, I'll do one for Great Britain. Dave, it was also happening in Chile. Hello. Oh, see, that's no. And you said you had a Great Britain?

Yeah. Hello. And Norway. Hello, come on. Oh, yeah. And one more time, Australia, just to make sure we got it. Hello. OK.

Well, that's very, very difficult. I want you. OK. No more Australian. Yeah, it's OK. Now, everyone wanted an exact date, because, you know, he was doing math. Come on, man.

Sure. I mean, at this point. Miller would not give one. Oh. I've got it narrowed down to the year. But he did not. I like how that's not good enough. He narrowed it down to a timeframe sometime

in the Jewish year beginning in the Gregorian year of 1843. OK. Quote, my principles in brief are that Jesus Christ will come again to this earth, cleanse, purify, and take possession of the same with all the saints sometime between March 21st, 1843, and March 21st, 1844. Boom. It's pretty good.

Got a year. You got a year window. You'll post it on your calendar. Yeah. So people start selling their houses and going up to the woods and getting ready for the end times. Smart people are like, this is a really cheap house. OK.

I can live here for sure. So no spoilers. But everyone knows Jesus didn't come back, right? Well, it's not necessarily. March 21st, 1844, came and went with no Jesus fire. Uh-oh. So Miller went back and checked his math. He didn't carry the fire.

Classic Miller. It turns out he made a mistake. No. Yep. He used the wrong calendar. He used the rabbinic calendar. Rabbinic calendar. Sure.

He should have used the, that's his karate. That's got to be a. No, the karate calendar. That's got to be it. It's got to be an autocrack. But the karate Jewish calendar. That's autocrack. The karate Jewish calendar.

Jewish. Yeah. It's like with a. Wash off. A circumcision. Yeah. Wack on, whack off. Wack on.

Ow. So is he a mistake? He came up with a new date. New date. What's the new date? April 18th, 1844. That's like less than a month away. Wow.

Sadly. He gave himself no breathing room basically. No. So sadly the 18th came and went and no Christ. Again? Yeah. What? What is this guy's deal?

Kind of a bummer. What's Jesus's deal? Did he check attack Wando calendar? Yeah. Was the calendar jujitsu? So they had so. The Millerites were mad because they wanted him to use ju-do. Get it?

Because the thing was. You're up. You're up. You're up. You're up. You're up. You're up. You're up.

You're up baby. You're back. So the Millerites had a big meeting in August of 1844. And a dude named Samuel Snow discovered new math. Oh, of course. Guess what? Oh, that's no. Christ wasn't coming again.

Ah. This fucking year, October 22nd, 1844. Boom. August 22nd, 1844. Mark it. Ever became known as the Great Disappointment. Why? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wow. Why? Because Jesus did not come. What? Yeah. But he keeps saying he'll come. I know. Where is he?

Wow. This is the Star Wars prequels of prophecies then. I mean, this is just brutal. There was just some weird figure like, I'm not Jesus. I helped. True. You're like, oh god, this fucking asshole. Millerite leaders and followers were bewildered and disillusioned.

And they fractured. Some kept pushing the date. What about September 1845? Sure. And then the Quakers, hey, what are you guys doing? Some joined the shakers who believed that Christ had already appeared for the second time in the person of Mother Anne Lee. Sorry, the shakers?

Mm-hmm. So there's the Quakers and the Shakers. And what about the Bakers? So there's the Quakers, there's the Shakers. And then there's Bakers in this stuff. And then there's the math takers. Yeah. I will, I'll allow him.

Gary gets a point. Was that like a rivalry? I don't know if there were rivals. Whoever came up first would have been like, fuck you guys, what's your problem? I know they had a football league. Quakers v. Shakers? I just love that the shakers already thought Christ came back and a lady called Anne Lee. They were like, that's Jesus.

We solved it. It's her. Anyway, what's next? Hello, I'm Jesus. You heard it here first, gang. Who wants a jar of preserves? That's her. Him.

Sounds like Jesus, right? Yeah. So, many just went back to the original churches and many Millerites split into three main factions. Miller continued to believe that Christ was returning and he chalked up the heirs to human error. He decided that there was human error in Bible chronology. Shocker. That could throw the date off someone and account for the discrepancy. But what about new math?

Well, he can't do new math if someone wrote down the first shit wrong. Yeah, exactly. Think about it. He doesn't help them. He died on December 20th, 1849 believing Christ was coming at any moment. That's all I want to go. Oh, man, I would have loved to have been on his bedside and literally as I go, oh, I see him coming. No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.

Oh my God, not now. One more second and it'll all be. Oh, sorry, dude. Poor fella. One of the three main groups Miller I split into were the Seventh Day Adventists. Oh boy. The Seventh Day Adventists decided that on October 1844, some shit did go down. But it was in heaven.

Oh. Loophole. Bullshit loophole. No, it happened. What? Up there. Yeah. Is that, is that where the term the seventh day comes from?

It was the seventh one that they were predicting. I'm not being funny. Was that, is that where their title comes from? Seventh Day Adventists and it happened and no one saw it. It must be. That's gotta be. It's a great name. For about, for about 20 years.

It really takes a little shine off that name though. It really does, yeah. Seventh Guessers. For about. Yeah, they should, they should have called themselves the, all right, fine Adventists. Wrong six times Adventists. For about 20 years, the Seventh Day Adventists were loosened at groups spread out and mostly reading periodicals. Then the church was formed and established in Battle Creek, Michigan on May 21st, 1863 with a membership of 3,500.

So they're getting it going. Sure. Between the Great Disappointment and the official founding of the church, a boy was born into the world. No, no, no. His name? No. John Harvey Kellogg. Oh boy.

Poor kid already, poor kid. His parents were Seventh Day Adventists and they moved to Battle Creek, Michigan in 1860. His father opened a broom factory. A what? A broom factory? A broom factory. Cool. All right.

So it's the kind of job you want to brag about. People weren't sweeping. That's how they would bathe. They would just sweep themselves. One of the early fatters of the Adventists was a woman named Ellen G. White. Ellen's parents were Millerites and she was raised terrified that she would be eternally lost. When she was nine, she was hit in the face with a large rock. I shouldn't laugh at that, but what the hell?

She grows up terrified and then on top of it, someone hits her with a rock. Giant rock right in the face. Oh wow. Her nose was disfigured and she was in a coma for several weeks. Jesus. But she awoke and soon after began having visions. Of rocks. No!

No! Many neurologists think her early injury may have caused partial complex seizures and hallucinations, which led her to believe that she had visions of God. Nevertheless, the Adventists took Ellen's visions as real. She had thousands of visions, all of which fit nicely into the Adventist beliefs. So wait, because a urologist? Neurologist. Oh, I thought you said a urologist.

That changes everything. Can I say urologist? It changes everything for me. My whole point's different. No, no, I was, I'm saying that neurologists looking back on it think that, but I also don't think there were urologists back there. No. Well, at my head, urologists were doing everything at that point. Like, Graham was the kind of doctor that they had.

They didn't have a guy that was like, can I, let's check your urologist. Well, that's why I thought the urologist being like, yeah, no, she's fine. I checked her head. She's all set. I drank some of her piss. She's good to go. So she began having visions of angels blaring the call of a perfect diet. That way.

On June 6th, 1873, an angel told her to eat two meals a day, mostly of graham bread, fruit, and vegetables. Shut the fuck up. To be avoided was salt, lard, spices, coffee, tea, tobacco. Meat was also forbidden. So Ellen White was having visions about the Graham diet. I'm the angel of Atkins. Give me a sign, God. Talk to the coma girl with the diet tips.

That's my messenger on earth. Could I have done better? Sure, I could have done better. I'm probably sure I could have done better. For sure. Okay, the US was a filthy place back then. Life expectancy was 41 years. In the slums of the cities, death was frequent among the working class.

To work in 19th century factories was like a death sentence. Well, rocks were flying around all the time, apparently. Lead poisoning was common in certain trades, like printing pottery, paint warrants, and shipbuilding. And it was common to have the streets just filled with rotting waste. Wow. All righty. Also, lead drinking was really dangerous. Hot occupation.

Hot occupation. It was really hard. Most people took baths once a week while others never bothered to bathe. Sure, sure, sure. Bacteria was common in water wells. Lack of sanitation and health habits made it easy for people to become ill. Hospitals were not any better. Doctors viewed disease as an imbalance of bodily humors.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not funny enough. So they would just bleed off. They would just bleed off extra blood. Sure. A doctor would drain a pint or two for days from a patient's body. Purging the body generally followed by bloodletting. They did this by giving strong drugs such as mercury and strychnine.

Oh, my God. What the fuck? Which were extremely poisonous. Yeah. It's all bad. But. But. But what?

Fever's diary and vomiting were considered symptoms of recovery. What the fuck? You're dying. You're getting better. And that's the drugs we're working. Our father's had a heart attack. Give me 20 cc's of poison stat. Oh, he's shedding out of his eyes.

Yay. He's not moving anymore. I think he's better. Thanks, doctor. Doctors are not very well trained. What? Are you sure? That sounds like they are.

A person could go to a diploma mill for 48 months to get medical training of the day and then set up practice. No. No. No. No. No, no, no. No. It felt like there was anybody regulating it.

It's just a guy would just go like, yeah. That's my issue. That's my issue. Yeah. All right. For your final exam, poke this guy, make him bleed. All right. Here's your diploma.

Hey, I did it, honey. By 1800, Columbia, Harvard, and Dartmouth had established medical departments. These institutions consisted of five or six non-salary professors, usually physicians, and they made their money by selling their lecture notes to students. Jesus Christ. How could that go wrong? It's just set up. Yeah, yeah.

Here's another one. Buy that. Well, I work on selling bullshit. So here's some bullshit. How's that? All right. Great. So there were hundreds of people calling themselves doctors practicing medicine with no training.

One of the earliest institutions in the United States designed to deal with illness was located in Danville, New York. Dr. James Jackson and Dr. Russell Troll promoted health reform and used the idea of hydrotherapy ice and steam to treat their parents. Sorry. Patience. Patience. Okay.

Patience. Way better. Way better. Yeah. Way better. That was one of Sylvester Graham's ideas. Oh. Hose them off.

Ellen White's husband, James White, received treatment at the Danville, New York, Inc. Institution. And on their way home, they stopped in Rochester, New York, to visit friends. Oh, boy. Where Ellen had a vision. No, no, no. No, no, no. She saw that the Adventists should establish a water cure and vegetation institution

where a properly balanced Godfarin course of treatments could be made available. So she had a vision about the place they were just at and thought that she should do that. Am I crazy? I'm having a vision that's exactly like where we just were. Let's open one. Isn't that a memory? No, it's a vision. No, I'm seeing it.

I can see it. I can see it. That's like where we were an hour and a half ago. She's got a vision. The Seventh Day Adventists opened a sanitarium in Battle Creek nine months later. It was all about pure air, sunlight, rest, water cures, exercise, and proper diet. It opened on September 5th, 1866, as the Western Health Performance Institute. The first nurses at the institute were Adventist farm women who volunteered their time to do

everything from chopping wood to administering massages. Sometimes they would mix those up and it really, that was not good. My shoulder! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just rubbing some birch. Sorry. I was just rubbing this log and I guess, you know how it is, I only have two hands.

It soon became obvious they needed trained staff and professional administration. The hospital had gone into debt so they appointed John Preston Kellogg as treasurer. John Harvey Kellogg, now a teenager, became his father's assistant. The whites felt that John Harvey Kellogg had the potential to provide a leadership of the institute. They subsidized his medical education at the University of Michigan and the Bellevue Hospital Medical College in New York City. While in New York, Kellogg would breakfast on seven graham crackers and an apple, one

coconut a week, and an occasional side dish of potatoes. Then at 24 in 1876, leading church members persuaded Kellogg to take over as physician in chief despite his youth and total lack of experience. Well, that's a good sign. He's self-taught. You take a run at it, John, come on. What's the worst that could happen? We got masseuses killing people with axes.

He replaced the term sanatorium with the new name sanitarium. The Battle Creek Medical Surgical Sanitarium was to be sanitary, a place where people learned to stay well. Kellogg issued the Seventh Day Adventist Vegetarian Diet and revised it. Meanwhile, the Dearborn Filthatorium was like, it's never going to catch on. We're good. You know, they might have a good couple months, but long term, nothing. Oh, yeah.

They'll be back to the Filthatorium. Yeah, they'll be back. You know what, yeah, you go up to the place where they clean you up, but you'll come back wanting to scrub shit all over you in a fucking heartbeat. Have fun. Where are you going to eat pork and drink syrup? Yeah, rotate the patients into vomit baths. Yeah.

It's the Filthatorium, you sissy. You knew what you signed up for. He advised patients to eat what the monkey eats, simple food and not too much of it. He pushed peanut butter, lacked a monkey, and invented a mechanical horse for exercising. Oh my God, yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

He preached the value of aerobic exercise using recorded music. No. Zumba. Yeah. Yes. And he was super obsessed with colons. Now, should we be worried? Here we go.

Oh, we should be worried. We're jumping into the colon, boys. Because up until then, this guy sounds... Yeah. Anyway, go ahead. Well, hold onto your asshole. Whoa. Kellogg considered the colon central to good health.

He lectured on the theory of auto intoxication, a self poisoning caused by the too slow breakdown of food in the intestines and colon. He preached a vegetarian diet, exercise, and frequent bowel movements, three a day. Quote, a housebroken colon is a damaged colon. I'm sorry. What? What does that mean? I don't think...

I don't think... He said it. I don't think anybody knew what it meant. Wait, no, no, no. I think he is saying shit your pants. Yeah. Yeah. Don't tell you...

Your colon should tell you when it's going to shit, and you have no say in it. It's not up to you if you're home or not. Housebroken. Go. Yeah. So... No holding. Some of his health and fitness regime seemed unusual, like exercising in athletic diapers.

Oh boy. So that is what he's saying. Yeah. He wants you to work out so hard that you shit your pants. All right. Ten and rest. Take a shit. Get ready, guys.

Get those weights. Let's get some music for you guys. Do you believe in love? That'll help. That'll help. That'll help. He believed in dunks into electrified water pools. Sure.

Sure. Sure. Sure. Eel baths. And multiple daily enemas. Okay. So what's happening right now? Multiple.

Yeah. Multiple. That's like eight. That's more than one, which is crazy. For a time, Kellogg promoted fletcherizing or chewing food until it slithered down the throat. Go. Wait, what?

He wanted you to chew food until it just found its own way down. Am I crazy to think I call that eating? No, you chew food until you can get it down. See, you chew until it naturally is like, I'm ready to glide. There it is. Did my Adam's apple move? Then I did it right. But truly, his first love was the bowels.

That's just everybody's first love, I mean. From the beginning of his time as a doctor, Kellogg was fascinated with the bowel, quote, it was his favorite piece of anatomy, his first love. I mean, that's just a red flag, right? Well, it's a brown flag. It's a brown flag. It was right there, people. I'm not going to pick it up, it's right there.

The bowels held him in rapture. Once. Oh my God. He liked the bowels. Yeah, but it helped to hold him in rapture. Come to me. Get into it. Once when an Adventist interrogator framed all of his medical questions in terms of religious

beliefs, Kellogg turned on him. It's got a man with two arms and legs like me, he demanded. Does he have eyes ahead? Does he have bowels? No. The Adventist answered, deeply offended, well, I do cried Kellogg and that makes me more wonderful than he is. I'm better than God because I have bowels.

But that is like one of those situations. Can God shit? Can he shit? No, he chooses not to. Then I am better than he. No, you just didn't have a comeback. You didn't have a comeback. I'm wearing a diaper.

Unlike God, who can't shit himself when riding around on a carriage. God could shit himself if he desired to. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord.

I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord. I'm not the Lord and I have diarrhea. I just feel like we're on different pages. We're saying different arguments. Sir, your 350 Nanima is here.

If we could wrap this up and give her 350 Nanima. Thank you. Thank you James. Okay, you're welcome. Thank you. They're going to put a hose in my asshole. I'm trying to leave. according to Kellogg 90% of human ills originated in the bowels the bow got

yes 90% okay just want to make sure we have more math that works if you think working self-taught math for sure what he's saying is if cancer was up your ass he'd know where it was exactly thank you thank you the bell got Kellogg's undivided medical attention attention the purific the pure of boy it got changed it got changed again by the purification changes which occur in the undigested residues of flesh foods were to blame he explained guess who arrived at Battle Creek soon soon learned that there once pristine bowel was actually a sewer of auto intoxication full of poisons like cretin sketal and

indole I'm gonna like it here I didn't know that you're dirty on the inside baton Kellogg's cretin sketal Kellogg's influence and enthusiasm made the bowel not only an acceptable subject of polite conversation but a national obsession wow more and more people became convinced that their bowel must be given an antiseptic cleaning the bowel poisoned by meat-eating drinking smoking and usually anything pleasurable was poked prodded and probed by attendance at the sanitarium and the list of people coming was the who's who's of the u.s. oh boy these included Otto Baron Henry Ford wow retailers J.C. Penney and SS a

Kreege it's me Jesse penny have a look how's my asshole actress Sarah Bernhardt explorer William Byrd inventor Thomas Edison industrialist Harvey Firestone president William Howard Taff holy and talk yeah you had to go into taps at the Taff's ass you were like there's bats William that's when they built the first submarine by the way today that was with that that's a whole other dollop but the hunt for red polyp and Amelia Earhart and talk show host Larry King I can't believe I'm here either well it's my 50th birthday I thought I'd come by and have you poke my colon coming up

next one that I'd show Amelia Earhart Henry Ford and Martin Landau on the next Larry King dead Kellogg made sure that the bowel of each and every patient was plied with water his favorite device was an enum machine that could run 15 gallons of water through a bowel in a matter of seconds what the actual fuck what the actual fucking fuck 15 gallons I'm sorry whoosh how do you feel like I just fell in six legs I think Amelia Earhart crashed her plane on purpose like fuck this if this is the world I'm in I'm going down in the goddamn ocean not put another kiddie

pool up my asshole after the water and Emma a patient was given a pint of yogurt half of which was eaten the other half was taken through the anus thus quote thus planting the protective germs where they are most needed and may render most effective sir he's the willy wonka of colin's come with me and see a world of pure irrigation Jesus Christ sorry some of these strawberries at the bottom are gonna be tough I knew we were doing yogurt but not the strawberry at the bottom all that left it was nine for nine dollars so loaded up look can I have a napkin this one's actually tricks flavored so that'll be fun damn it if a

healthy dollop of yogurt was not enough to do the trick thank you so hairy if a healthy dollop of yogurt was not up to do the trick more drastic steps were necessary if auto intoxication persisted and poor I just I assume that people were making smelly farts he'd be like well we have to do more you're not cured yet the offending stretch of intestine was removed Kellogg Kellogg performed as many as 20 operations a day of intestine removal yes because they didn't have anesthesia yet did they they had yogurt feels like the same I believe they did have anesthesia this time for the doctors the doctor this crazy thing the

result Kellogg claim was nothing short of a medical revolution by pumping yogurt cultures and erectims of Americans Kellogg claimed that he had managed to cure cancer of the stomach ulcers diabetes schizophrenia manic depressive acne anemia migraine and premature old age there was nothing you mean aging yeah okay so schizophrenia and aging yogurt up your ass there was nothing a clean bowel couldn't handle except for life he also created a vibrating chair the chair would shake violently it was painful to sit in but after a few minutes of treatment it would supposedly stimulate intestinal peristellis peristellis is

a radically symmetrical contraction and a relaxation of the muscles that propagates in a wave down a tube in this case way the tube is the intestine now normally that's not how the large intestine works normally the large intestine is able to hold stuff in so basically he created a chair that would shake you so hard that you would shit on yourself welcome to the Institute how do you feel oh JC penny this summer at six flags get ready for shit chair okay okay I mean he said that cured headaches of course it did because you would shit the chair a day a day at the sanitary and

went like this patients perform calisthenics at 7 a.m. followed by laughing exercises Indian that's where he talked about his medical practices Indian Club demonstrations in gymnastic classes they were stood all manner of mechanical massage pummelings with trunk rollers pounding with chest beaters and punches from stomach beaters they stood on they stood on vibrating platforms to stimulate their inner organs galloped on mechanical horses or sat on Kellogg's patented vibrating chair they bathe endlessly inside and out with salt bath steam baths hot water baths cold water bath showers douches formatations and a

high-powered enema good night and then Tuesday Kellogg Kellogg received an enema for an orderly every morning after breakfast in the cafeteria in front of everybody just to let them know welcome to the Institute now pork and syrup's gonna be flying now being a seventh-day Adventist Kellogg was one of the most ardent anti-masterbaters in the United States of America he was down on sex in general thinking it was detrimental to physical emotional and spiritual well-being he actually abstained from sex himself never consummating his marriage over four decades because he was shit in his pants it was to make that

chair first then maybe you just finger just fill your diaper and fingerblast me please don't not now I'm sitting sort of he and his wife had separate bedrooms and I don't know they had 42 foster children adopting eight of them sorry they had 42 foster children and they adopted eight so that means that house must have some kind of like shit in ways you can't imagine a normal you would show each child his balls and say you didn't come out of these happy birthday he cataloged 39 different symptoms of a person plagued by masturbation this is exciting if you noted any one of these symptoms you

would know that someone was a masturbator okay they included a defective development mood swings sure thick illness yeah bashfulness oh how dare you unnatural boldness stiff joints paralysis how fucked up is that some kid gets paralyzed and he's like he's a masturbator let me ask you this Tim did you masturbate one time well God hates yes no more walking yeah boy God dealt with you yep you try to grab your dick now that you wish you could feel that hard dick don't you those days are done my man girl girl fondness for spicy foods oh yeah all Mexicans are masturbators basically the entire continent

of Mexico they're all masturbators acne acne should I say continent country god damn it round shoulders I mean honestly if you were born with like a hunchback he'd be like look at the jerk-off boy help it was masturbating sleeplessness sure not being able to sleep you jerk off too much untrustworthiness well you lied to me you masturbator paleness all the Irish you pasty jerk off great Britain is off and all emos and God I'm sure you're nail biting oh yeah moist cold hands sure yeah nature's loop bedwetting and epilepsy epilepsy oh hey shaky oh let me guess

you just want to get a hand on that dick while you shake on the ground don't do you filthy monger Kellogg said masturbating would cause cancer of the womb urinary diseases nocturnal emissions impotence insanity and mental and physical disability as well as the classic classic blindness to quote such a victim literally dies by his own hand and then he would drop the mic and go to the shit chair boom that's right motherfuckers in that list side effects in that list the side effects is nocturnal emissions which is what dreams right yeah okay Kellogg's first solution for jerking off as a healthy diet taking

from Graham he thought that meat and certain flavorful or seasoned foods increase sexual desires and that planar food especially serious and nuts could curb it he was not the only one who believed a healthy diet with stop masturbation dr. Jackson who had treated the whites previously when she had the yeah he felt the same he created a new food he mixed water and unsifted flour grounds a little bits and baked it twice he called this mess granola and it was the world's first cold breakfast cereal the crunchy flavorless concoction had to be soaked in milk to be soft enough to chew and people did not like it but the

people who hated masturbation wanted it and an industry was born Kellogg then created no it's fucking Kellogg what shut the fuck up shut the fuck up Tony the fucking Tigers it goes that's back a fucking pop you guys saw it live yeah see it every week across a table it's the same thing every week in that long holy shit oh my god that's amazing Kellogg then created the world's second cold breakfast cereal it and also named it granula and Jackson yum Jackson was like hey that was my name and I made my stuff and Kellogg was like yeah okay and then Jackson took him to court and Kellogg renamed it granola

but alas the diet did not always stop masturbation so other means were necessary captain crunch you know life on the ship could get pretty lonely don't fondle your crunch berries just run the real flag up the pole Kellogg offered parents guidance for dealing with their son's self-exploration in a section of his book titled treatment for self-abuse and its effects one idea was to try one idea was to tie a child's hands to his bedposts at night I'll see you later Dave thanks thank you buddy thank you buddy don't you feel better don't make me don't make mommy get the shit chair and then there was circumcision

the foreskin was blamed as a major problem first it supposedly reduced the secretions that would get inflamed around the foreskin and thus stop young boys itching their penises which would lead to jerking off a public a public school sex education manual at the time says keeping kids from scratching their dong is the only way to keep them out of the insane asylum quote a remedy which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision the operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind

especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment whoa so hurt the dick so they never touch it right the idea is you cut off that happy part of the cock without any anesthesia and then the kid is like I'm never gonna touch that again now try some frosted flakes people actually took up this idea but they mostly went with anesthesia neonatal circumcision quitters quitters pussy quitters I want my kids dick not to hurt neonatal circumcision then crept into the American delivery rooms in the 1870s and 80s because of the claim that later in life it would prevent irritation that would cause the boy to become a

masturbator up until this time most non-Jewish American boys were not circumcised and today's circumcision in the US is common I'm circumcised you should know it and it's because of some crazy fucking asshole but Dave you did stop masturbating it's true you haven't ever masturbated were you eating yogurt talking about sense 10 this morning yeah you say 10 this morning or take it all it's this morning I keep how much activity is up your ass right now as TV yeah if parents didn't want to okay ready if parents don't want to lop off part of their child's penis without numbing it first Kellogg recommended

the application of one or more silver silver sutures in such a way as to prevent the erection what the fuck are you serious the foreskin is drawn forward over the glands and the needle to which the wires attached is passed through one side to the other after drawing the wire through the ends are twisted together no it's like a sardine can and and you cut it off and you just tie the penis clothes wait now it's impossible to get a wreck or or piss yeah it's not impossible to get a wreck because your your dick still gonna tear through it like a fucking Hulk breaking out of a cage you can't hold the penis

matter of time into that dick's flipping tanks on the street I keep thinking about how you couldn't pee you could not piss how could you piss through that I mean it would just be like yeah would just be like hey it's a fun little sprinkler for the kids to run through parents were assured that sewing their son's penis into its foreskin acts as a most powerful means of overcoming the disposition to resort to the practice of masturbation but he wasn't just interested in stopping boys from self-love good he had an idea for the girls oh good good that's right ladies your turn hang on here pussies he

advised the application of carboleic acid to the clitoris is of little girls to teach them not to touch themselves it takes a lot to want the penis trap but I might be there today today medical doctors know that the carboleic acid is extremely poisonous and when applied to tissues a directly to muscle or nerve it causes instant paralysis if carboleic acid did not do the trick Kellogg reason it was necessary to remove by the way this is this is making me rethink how much I like Eminem song acid on your pussy like now I don't think I like I mean now that I know that's where it's from that's not

cool less catchy yeah it's way less catchy Kellogg continued coming up with different foods to eat they would keep people from touching their genitals over a few years he put many new items on the market under catchy names organizing a new company for each one some were substitutes for meat others coffee packaged in brightly colored boxes and easy to prepare the foods were an instant success the growing popularity of his products caused Kellogg to hire his younger brother William Kellogg as business manager John always assisted he only wanted to improve health of his patients not profit from health

business always seeking new substitutes for animal products the the brothers one day discovered that wheat could be flaked instead of pulverizing the wheat into a flour they steamed it and ran it between heavy rollers that squeezed the grain into flakes John believed the diet of flakes could greatly curb masturbation here we go for girls he envisioned that the flakes could be used as a mild irritant douche what whoa whoa whoa because we're about to hear about fucking cornflakes what and you're about to say that people were fucking douching with cornflakes what yeah that rooster is going to get his fucking head cut off

douche with cornflakes part of this balanced pussy the guests of the sanatorium loved the product and soon everyone was clamoring for it as a service to former patients the Kellogg started the Sanitas Nut Food Company he put his younger brother in charge of the business to produce the cereal for mail orders will continue to experiment on his own developing a process for flaking corn in 1898 at that point he left to go into business for himself and on February 19th 1906 the Battle Creek toasted cornflake company organized the product was later named the Kellogg company he took corn flakes and made it

the company's biggest item packaging it in a box with the slogan the genuine bears this signature WK Kellogg from the beginning the public like corn flakes soon after opening the original plant it was turning on a thousand cases a day less than a year later production was four times that a second plant started operation but could barely fill demand a bitter feud erupted between the brothers when will gain soul rights to the market products of the Kellogg toasted cornflake company the battle was brutal and the brothers relationship was finished another patient of the sanitarium for a while was a man named

C.W. Post I mean this is fucking are you fucking me are you kidding me day are you seriously how the fuck does nobody know this shit some people do post was an inventor a salesman and a manufacturer of agricultural machinery he had a nervous breakdown in 1885 I'm sure did he see like green clovers yellow stars but like is that what he was after his break down he moved to Texas and became involved in a real estate development project on 200 acres he owned in Fort Wayne the stress of that

led to another mental breakdown in 1991 and he decided to check out the idea of cure-through diet and ended up at Battle Creek hopefully exercising while wearing diapers and having yogurt pumped up sure the beginning of every great man story that's what I think what I think a Saturday morning car that's called the man in a diaper getting yogurt ass that's called the heroes journey act one how long have you been at the sanitary about two weeks I'm starting to think the reason we're wearing diapers and shitting so much is because we're getting yogurt put up our ass I can

need to report you to the doctor turn it to rocket blast I'm president William Howard and I decree that I'm a legal monster let me tell you something you're new here but don't get on the vibrating chair after taft taft is out they can't clean it after being to the bathtub I just left I just left a taft and a half in the shit chair I'm saying a taft and a half after being cured of his mental issues he remained in Battle Creek and created the cereal post toasties what the fuck he heavily marketed post toasties until his product nearly rival Kellogg cornflakes he then created the mighty anti-masturbatory grape nuts

now couple things yeah go first of all having nuts and a non-masturbatory product fun that's fun second well we're grape nuts originally marketed as a non-masturbatory I you're nodding I believe I don't know that that's the truth but boy that certainly does sound about right they're they're blue balls sure blue nuts that's what yeah they're big purple nuts okay just wanted to make sure that the cereal my athletic mother ate my childhood was for non-master baiting as you were grape nuts became an international favorite the post and Kellogg companies were on the same side of Battle Creek and competed bitterly

post employees could not associate with Kellogg workers oh the masturbated Kellogg's and that factory my dearest my dearest Margaret the cereal was drag on I don't know if I'll ever see your beautiful face again and oh I so want to jerk off but I'll grab another bowl of these grape nuts I'll tell you I mean a lot of fucking grape nuts right now in battle really want to masturbate they could not as opposed employees could not associate with Kellogg workers and for years the semi-professional baseball teams maintained by each company could not play against each other because police feared rioting you cornflakes

son of a bitch they just feared like a riot where everyone ejaculated in the middle of a melee punch me so I could come post-claimed grape nuts cured many ailments including appendicitis he was sued by a magazine that did not believe his claim after post-stop making claims about the healing powers of crepe nuts then to really drive the point home he suffered from appendicitis and eventually shot himself due to the pain with a barrel full of grape nuts in the mouth that's how I want to go kill themselves people like well no no more grape nuts theory that's the end of that

chapter years later I've gone suicidal for cocoa puffs follow your nose to the shotgun blast oh that's too far too can be friends with him years later in post-emserials company changed his name to general foods corporation will Kellogg and his company remained in battle Creek though his relationship with his brother John was strained his name often appeared in news because of his involvement in charity projects he provided his community with the municipal auditorium and two schools on the youth center and the city's first airport in 1939 at age 79 will retired from everyday operations of the company

but remained as chairman of the board John Kellogg died on on December 14th 1943 in battle Creek Michigan after John died will learn that years earlier John had written a letter to will attempting to reopen their relationship but John secretary decided her employee had demeaned himself and refused to send it whoa there's a call yeah will Kellogg did not see it until after his brother's death will Kellogg died at the age of 91 in battle Creek Michigan on October 6 1951 how do you feel about your cereals I mean are you fucking serious no that's all made up yeah I'm serious that all I mean I honestly like the truth is Dave

that you've ruined a lot of things but the idea now that you're yanking into my brain and grabbing my childhood out and putting it on the ground and stomping on its tough sure because that is I mean that is that is I mean that's what growing up Saturday cartoons were cereal made from Kellogg's all right I'm gonna give an opposing viewpoint I now love the fact and I'm energized by the idea that every bowl of cereal I have in the morning has that much psychosis in it like I just I feel like I'm eating their their psychotic energy every morning and I'm just gonna like I just want like I could just punch my way to

work every morning that's how serious that cereal and run to work yeah with a hard on as you run through traffic there should be there should be like a corn flakes box we just said that their mascot should be just a crazy guy with a shit filled diaper and just like a boner poking out cornflags is already like a rooster which is a cock just making a hard fucking boner already put that on the fucking box what about the toasted frosty ones the ones with those are the white the white new people showed up and went let's just fucking sugar on this shit that's what I was trying to tell you yeah frosty flakes are covered in semen well what about okay fine but you know the

minute the minute the Kellogg brothers died whoever was second to trials are they dead okay put sugar on fucking let's get this business going on everything I don't get everything yeah and shit chair out of here nobody likes the shit chair this is a time when if you if you gave people great nuts they were like this is amazing like it wasn't a good time yeah but also after you eat those cereals being like I still want to masturbate I need to go to hell I had a bullet you know either had great much of you licked a butcher's apron so there's no you know I feel like it's a really that seem like ambrosia at that I feel

like it's a really they're oh yeah lick the butcher's apron by the way it's great Y&T album that's a great lick the butcher's apron 1987 right 1987 yeah lick the butcher's apron and then a vinyl it's all right well well how do you feel emotionally not now honestly not very good still very confused we had everybody has to go but I mean I cannot digest this I shockingly I am so gonna be thinking about everyone in this room when I'm having breakfast tomorrow like what are you all I will think about and everyone of you and trying to meet for breakfast oh that you who has who has corn flakes at home there's a couple

people are throwing those out about what about grape nuts anybody have great nuts I guess that's a testament I eat that Ezekiel show where they just put Bible verses right on the bottom like they let you they let you know how psychotic it is like we're basing our diet on things in the Bible like well that's for me these are just crazy assholes putting stuff in boxes I'll eat that shit this is great box of psychosis when you have your cereal tomorrow just go I am eating pure sociopathy right now new able flakes for people thanks you