The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 460 - Rick Gellert's Venus II

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine inventor Rick Gellert's Venus 2SourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. A little warning this episode has a lot of sex talk so if you have youngsters

maybe not the best also Pam yeah probably don't listen to this one you're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is an American History podcast where each week I phone user man who likes couches new bookcase owner Dave Anthony. That's just terrible. You expect us to wait that long for that. Read the story from American history to his friend Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Gareth I'm gonna edit out the part where there was a delay. And then are you gonna add it out this part that's referencing the delay? No because now it's just gonna get confusing. What a dumb

editorial decision you're making. Well you don't understand the magic of editing. Oh I do. Every now and then I'll listen one and I'll go wait a second. That went on longer. That went on way longer. Well I used to I here's a little here's a little pandemic info for people. I never edited. Before the pandemic we would record I wouldn't listen to it. We would put it up unless someone said something egregious that we wanted to remove which almost never ever happened. Then I just put it up but now because of the pandemic and because there's sometimes delays when we talk to each other I have to go through and edit

because it sounds weird. The conversation. Yeah and that's why you've cut me down to I'm no longer a co-star. I'm a guest star on this show. Right so and there's a lot of this lot of me talking and then not really responses and the reason for that is because Jose. It's like the original. Jose is now the co-host and Gareth is sort of the pet. Yeah but I think if you look at the numbers there's not a difference. No difference whatsoever. Numbers wise. There's not been a people that yeah. People love it. They love Jose. They love Jose's quick wit. They love his characters. They love his

accents. He's good. He's good. He's good. He's good. I'm not gonna sit here and disparage the cat. He's good. He's good. No doubt. I just think when people listen to it they they miss the original you know mix of spices. Not based on the numbers. Between that. Yeah I mean the numbers tell yeah the numbers tell the story so I that's why and I've been very you will you will say that I've been very good about the whole thing. Yeah no you've been okay. All right that's that's in Dave Anthony that is a compliment. And called it quote his jam-packed. Jam-packed? I'm the fucking hippo guy. Steve okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not gonna come to Tiggly Podcast. Okay. This is like Adam. An up-five part coefficient. My room's clean. Now hit him with the puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep though hippo. That's like though hippo. Actually part. Hi Gary. No. I sleep done. My friend. No. No. No no no no.

1952. Yeah. Reinhardt Gallard was born in St. Louis. Okay his family moved to a a Northwest Chicago suburb, when he was a teenager, they called him Rick. Reinhardt, obviously, you know, not a street name in America. Hey, Reiney! Rick liked to fiddle around with mechanical things. Dave, there's just these little things.

They're early, they're seeds. After high school, he took some electronics courses at a college, he didn't go to college, but he took some courses here and there. He had, he just had a mind for invention. He just saw things and saw answers. Like that's... Sure.

Right? Sure, yeah, that's nice. He met Karen, she had been raised in Chicago before her parents also moved to the Northwest suburb, so I assume that's true. I'm dating a guy named Reinhardt. Well, I'm assuming they moved during white flight out of the cities.

Right. Cool. They got married in 1976, had a son soon after. Rick started a few small companies, mostly around inventions he had created. According to writer Dennis Rodkin, there was one that would be perfect, an ozone generator to purify swimming pool water.

Okay. But that didn't take off. All right. Dennis Rodkin wrote an article for Chicago where most of this is based on. So after the ozone generator, Rick moved on to a company that made electricity from methane that was coming out of a local landfill.

We're called Fart Electric. Can it be called something else? It could be called electrical farts. What about electricity from methane or? How about this? Fart fuel. So the thing I'm trying to get around. Tell me the note and then maybe we can go from there.

Okay, so I think we should not use fart in there. Early? We can put it later, like I said. No, I mean it like it should be in there. Oh, I've got it. Rhyne farts. Okay. Okay, that I like.

And it's mine. Electrical Rhyne farts. Okay, yeah, no, I'm in. Great, okay, yeah. And then I think the logo should obviously be me with a bunch of wires in my hands farting through the sky like a superhero. Okay, so now we're kind of,

we're back to emphasizing the farts. And I think the farts is the thing we want to move away from. Wow, that's it. To me, the farts are the hook. I think that's what people are gonna really like. I think you're overestimating the joy that people have for farts.

Well, why don't we do this? Let's do one with me farting with wires in my hands going across the sky. And then another one where I'm sort of going lower across the land farting with wires in my hands. That way we can have options. Okay, what about one where you're not farting and then one where you are farting?

The name's not gonna make sense then. People are gonna be like, why is it called Reinfarts Fuel? Okay. Cause my name's Reinhardt. What's the regular name? I got that. Okay.

Great. Yeah, so let's just not, I think just not working. Let's do it, yeah, great. Let's do it for sure. Awesome, let's shake hands and do it, absolutely. Yep, 100%, we should do this. It's happening 100% of the time.

This is a go for sure. So the business did okay. It ran for years. It made altogether around 750,000 in sales. And then he sold it in 1987. Okay. Now while he was doing that business, while that business was running,

he also came up with an invention that Rodkin said, quote, designed specialized ice dispensers used for race horses, delicate legs. This is a niche product. But if it hits, it's going to hit so freaking big. It's going to be crazy. Now what I've designed here is an ice machine for horses with smaller, weaker legs.

How many times have you been an owner of a horse? Bear with me. And thought to yourself, my horse deserves special leg ice. This is a machine that caters to that problem. This is a machine that does it perfectly. No longer will you hear the plight of the equine owner being, I mean, I want to ice my horse's legs,

but the cubes are too bulky. No longer. These cubes are shaped perfectly to fit around the calves and legs of horses. Now what I want, listen, when you're selling it door to door is how I see it going. And when you're selling it door to door, the first question is not, do you have a horse?

The first question is, do you like ice? Then you get inside the home, then make the horse play, all right? Yep. This is going to be a winner. I'm going on horse tank. So he and Karen tried to also breed their Karen Terriers, Spides and Trixie.

They're Karen Terriers? Karen. Karen's Terriers? Karen. Karen Terriers owned by Karen. There's no E, there's Karen. So Karen had Karen Terriers? No, it's C-A-I-R-N, Karen.

Karen had Karen Terriers. I hate everything about you. I hate you. Yes, she had two Karen Terriers, Spides and Trixie. I mean, I'm not going to get over it. These are Karen Terriers. Those are Karen Terriers? No, Karen Terriers.

And your name is Karen. And these are your Karen Terriers? It's spelled differently with a C. Karen Terriers? Karen Terriers? Karen Terriers, I'm Karen. I'm not Karen and these aren't Karen Terriers. I'm Karen and these are Karen Terriers. So, at some point they gave up, they were like, okay, this is too much.

They won't fuck. They will not fuck. In 1984, Rick worked for then bought the business of a heating and air conditioning contractor. This business became the Gellert Money Maker and gave them a nice Suburban Life, which is all he and Karen wanted. Typical Suburban Life, they had a house in Arlington Heights. Their living room had a 30-inch TV, large speakers, a shelf of CDs, and a Game Boy. Their son is in high school now in the early 90s.

He's big into playing guitar. At home, they had a decent marriage, but they had different sex drives. Okay. Here we go. Karen was happy with sex once a week, but Rick was different. So, I like to have between five and a dozen orgasms a week. Wow. That's a good amount of Oggies.

That's also a pretty, five and 12 is a pretty, yeah, there's a little bit of a window there. So, I like to have between five to 44. So that meant Karen, that meant he's chasing down a lot of those orgasms on his own, right? Well, but, okay, sure, but, you know, I mean, most dudes just jerk off. Right. So, he had been jerking off since he was in eighth grade, but he's older now, and just using his hand, he says it's getting boring. Well, this is so cute, all right, geez, I mean, it feels like the hand has been satiating

horny men for quite a while, comfortably. Yeah, yeah, no, it's... It doesn't take much. Has he tried sitting on it so it feels like a different person's digit? That's all you got to do is sit on it until you get pins and needles, and then it feels like someone else is doing it. He became convinced that masturbating could be improved, and he started to seek out other ways.

It's called the Methane Jerker Offer. So, quote, I was constantly experimenting with ways to have an orgasm. That is just something you never want to hear from anyone you're near. You know, I've been experimenting with new ways to have orgasms. He said he tried all the toys that were available in stores and catalogs, quote, I tried all sorts of closed cell foam, soft gels, silicone, lubricated camo, and then to vacuums and water jets. Boy, the rugs look great.

What did you do today? I jizzed in the vacuum. Can you imagine being married to someone who's like, I've tried everything. I've tried silicones, I've tried gels, I've tried vacuums, and she's like, have you tried just maybe not trying to come so much? Also I should say the speakers are at the dry cleaners. Oh, my God, Reinhardt. And Beethoven works better than Bach.

Reinhardt. You ever thought about collecting something, like stamps or bugs or something? Might be fulfilling for you. So as I said at the end, water jets, that means he was trying swimming pools, nozzles, and jets. So he was a pool banger. Yeah. That's awesome.

I've invented the jizz-coozie, but none of it's working. It's not. Honey, I don't know what to do. I've tried gels, silicones, I'm fucking the hot tub, nothing's working. I just can't seem to say satisfied in this marriage. So he's an inventor, right? That's who he is. Yeah.

So his mind starts going to where inventor's minds go. How can I come more? What can I do to keep coming? Come on, Reinhardt, dig deep, think about it. Quote, you hear about women using the bathtub spigot to provide a clitoral orgasm. So my idea was to make a suction device that produces the same effect for men. In the tub? I don't know how his mind went from one thing to another, but look, I'm not an inventor,

but he just realized that women had a way to do that. And so men should also have a way to do that with some sort of object. I need a suck tub. So basically this means that he has decided to make a male masturbation machine. Finally. It's called the hand. And not just for himself. No, no, no.

It didn't take too long to dawn on me that if I had that need, many other people might also. So I figured, why not research it thoroughly and see if I wasn't able to produce a machine that would be superior to anything on the market? Hey, Tom. Sorry, I know you're running in real quick. I just wanted to, you know, I've been having the worst time trying to figure out, my sec drive is a lot harder, a lot higher than Karen's, not the Karen dog we have.

We also, my wife's name is Karen. And we just, there is a chasm between how many times I want to finish and how many times she wants. Are you satisfied with your giz output weekly? Oh, let me rephrase that. Rick. Let me rephrase it. Let me rephrase it before you start saying anything.

Is that a guy, can a fellow have a chance to rephrase a question? If there was a tub or a machine that you could bang, would you, and how do you think Tracey would handle it? So Rick, I'm your neighbor and I've been your neighbor for about 10 years. And I just want to tell you that I just decided to put up a very large hedge. Yeah. Yeah, I noticed. It was hard to get through.

I cut my arms. Yeah. And that hedge is going to be there for a reason. Great. And then there's going to be a fence out front. Great. Listen. This is the Rick fence.

It's irrelevant to me right now. It's not as an inventor, not a great name. I don't show what it really does because it's not specifically keeping ricks out. It's keeping other people out. Have you ever fucked your pool? No. No. But here's the thing.

We have video cameras up and we know that you fucked my pool. Okay? Well, I don't. Yes. I own that. I have fucked your pool. That's a crime. That's a literal sex crime.

You cannot fuck other people's pools. The way is that a crime, that pool, what? You don't know the law at all. First of all. Second of all, if I had a pool, I'd be fucking that pool. If this is a jealousy thing, I'll stop doing it. But my point, we're getting sidetracked. No, we're not.

Do you wish you had a machine that ran on something that could fuck you? It's a pretty straightforward question. Get Tracy out here. Tracy. Tracy, don't come out. Tracy, get out here. Look. Tracy is scared of you.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'm going to be doing some really strange things in my yard and house as far as masturbating and fucking, again, not my wife. We get it once a week, Sunday nights. These will be test runs. So I don't know what to tell you if you're already a little upset with this line of questioning. Buckle up. Because we're about to take it up a notch back there, okay? I'm talking some NASA level stuff.

So whether you're offended or not offended, you got one choice. You can either join me. That's the one. We're moving. What are you going to do with your pool? To build his machine, he has to see what else is out there. Right. The field of dreams voice.

If you build it, you will come. So he's got to find out what his competition is. So the first thing he ordered is the pocket pussy. It's very popular for masturbation. Let me know if the pocket pussy shows up. But Rick thinks it's just a rudimentary step up from masturbation. Quote, it's a clean receptacle to ejaculate into. Yeah.

That's nothing more. There's no real connection to your pocket pussy. After that, there was a $30 hand operated oral sex stimulator. You would put it on your penis and then hold the bulb that you would squeeze, which would cause suction. This is pretty good. This is just like being with a woman. Honey, you know what, I think I might have found something here.

This thing's pretty weird, but it's doing something. So it's just kind of like it's almost like the blood pressure taker thing. Yeah. Except it's a cum sucker. Yes. That's right. But to Rick, that was too much work. By the way, we should just point out this episode is not going to be safe for children.

Yeah. I'll put that up top. Rick, a quote, you have to squeeze it so much that your hand becomes tired and you lose all erotic interest. Oh, yeah. No, I can't do, I can't come with a tired hand. Well, I love that the idea before your hand gets tired is that you have great erotic interest with holding a contraption.

Yeah. How do you do that? How do you feel comfortable doing that anywhere, standing, sitting, laying? There's no version of it where you're like, this feels good. So the big boy on the market is from Taiwan. It is named the RoboSuck. Hello. I'm the RoboSuck.

More expensive, more parts, RoboSuck is motorized. It has several metal fingers that stroke an erect penis up and down. Oh, so it's like the terminators jacking you off? Yes. What is Karen thinking? Karen's like, cool. He's like, honey, you know what? I don't think a drawer is going to be enough for these devices.

I think I might need a shed. Well, Karen is working with this, but yeah. Surely she's like, oh, what? And this one too. It's got robot fingers, which are nice. I like the fingers. They're just kind of clammy. I got to put a glove on it.

Do you have any of your nice long shoulder length gloves that she used to wear, hun? I think that'd be nice to put over it. So Rick, he tries out the RoboSuck. After 45 minutes, it had not succeeded. I'm still not finished, honey. He was quote, absolutely convinced that it couldn't even get an adolescent boy off. I'll bet you this thing couldn't even suck our son's dick. So the other problem with all these masturbation aids was that you needed to use your hands

and Rick wanted his hands available for other things. That's the way I can read and change the channel, fix the car. So he's now certain that there's nothing available that fits what he has in his mind and that there's a market for his idea. And the inventor entrepreneurial spirit is if you see a hole, fill it. That's right. It was early 1982 when he became serious about building his machine. Karen must have loved to hear that.

You know what? I'm going to have to do it. I think we're talking about a career, not just a simple solve here. Honey, I'm going to have to be the Einstein of jizz things. All right, we're taking out a second mortgage on the house. We have to. I'm telling you, I know this will work. Look, we're doubling down on coming up with some sort of finishing robot.

So the very first version just had a small motor attached to an air cylinder, which created a pumping action. But he might not be the man to actually build the machine. He might need someone that has a little more know how. I mean, he has some, but he really needs someone who really knows what they're doing. The presidential campaign of Ross prose in full swing, you talk about you need effective ass. Oh, man.

I got something that'll suck the calm out of you faster than a milkshake that's got two straws in it. And there's that refills. So Ross prose message was very inspiring to to Rick. And he decided to help prose United We Stand campaign for president. Well, he became a dedicated volunteer. Well, we're happy to have you. And another volunteer was a gentleman named Val Citrin.

Now Citrin was a 54 year old Russian immigrant who had come to the U.S. from Siberia in 1978 with his wife and two daughters here for the American dream. It will find us. He had served in the Soviet army. He had a master's degree in mechanical engineering. He said he was, quote, a designer in my heart and soul. And in 1992, he was also attracted to the presidential campaign of Ross Perot. It's big tan.

At the time, he was working in Chicago for a company designing assembly line machine. So Rick and Val met at a pro event and very quickly started discussing engineering. Yes, very interested in coming up with the specs and the designs for machines. Absolutely. Really. That's very interesting. Okay. Good to know.

I'm looking for someone to work with. Yes. I am waiting to find the master project. Oh, sorry. Did you say master project? Yes. I'm waiting to find master project. Yes.

Exactly. Something to finally throw myself into a career where I can make a difference, make impact. Well, let me ask you something. Yes. Do you like to masturbate? It's a very strange question. I'm not even sure how to, as much as next fellow. Sure.

You know? So a lot. Sometimes, you know, in a pinch. All the time. Well, it happens, I guess. Do you set aside time for it? Do you order thousands of products? Right there.

So you're like me. So you're like me. Not giving me a chance to finish my insert. Do you have a separate room for just masturbating? No. You do. We all do. We have a two bedroom, one for child, one for us.

Have you tried the pool next door? Have I tried to what? Swim in it? Or what to it? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Look, I need someone to help me build a machine that will allow me and men all over America

to jerk off without using their hands. I come here to find American Dream. And you found it. And the whole time I say to myself, potentially I'd not find it, it'd find me. Is that what you're saying this might be? That's right. That's right. It's so strange to the people you meet at Ross Perot events.

Yes. Yes, it is. What are you guys talking about? A masturbated machine? I think that's a phenomenal idea. I'll tell you, fellow, I'd love to find something like that. We can come up with a bigger finish to the Indians. Cheer it's a fire.

So Rick said he might need some part-time help. And then he proceeded to explain to Val what it was that he needed. And Val said, quote, well, I have to think about that. It's such an unusual offer, meaning he was not interested at all. Adult toys was just not the field he was looking to get involved in with his engineering. Yeah. I don't know if you find, I don't know. Yeah.

I think you would have to maybe go more of the sexual route and then find an inventor versus looking for an inventor who will go the sexual route. Okay. Well, Val, they go home, they go their separate ways, and Val keeps thinking about it over the coming months. Val keeps coming into his head because it's actually to an engineer, it's an intriguing engineering project. Right.

It's difficult. And he starts to think about it from that aspect of an engineering challenge. So he's wondering about how long it would last, quote, we need the machine to last for two million cycles, which in normal use is about 20 years of the person uses it a couple times a week for 10 minutes at average speed. So he's breaking down the math of how to make adorable to Rick's ears. He's got to be like, yes, yes. I mean, when you do the myth, it is the machine most less 20 years for customers to be fully

satisfied. Yes. Well, yes. At the end of 1992, in December, Val gets laid off from his job. So he starts working for Rick full-time and he's now much more into the project, quote, it started making a lot of sense to me. You are designing for people who really want the device. And secondly, it is a great device that doesn't give people any diseases and is good for people

who can't have a normal sex life because they are divorced or too busy or have some problems. He drank the coming. So, yeah, right. So I think that he went from being like, no, I don't want anything to do with this to them thinking it's an interesting idea from an engineering perspective. And then now comes sort of the Rick talking to him about, which is like, oh, it'll help with diseases. Yes.

That's right. This is an AIDS eliminating machine. Yeah. But it must have made Rick so happy when he sees like Val on the floor like, no, I'm worried that the person's cock might not get inside there. Like if we can find a plate, what is he going to do with testes? His calf muscles will be exhausted. We need to come up with some sort of bench system for him to stick in.

So right. So both men saw it as a way to slow the spread of AIDS as well as helping marriages. This is how you get rid of AIDS. And what wife would not love to have Cumbulon next door? So if a wife wanted less sex than a husband, the machine could keep him from cheating or visiting sex workers. Are you in mood or should I go to closet? Val's engineering brain combined with Rick's masturbation brain.

And then they started researching and plotting and developing after about a year. They'd come up with and tested over two dozen prototypes. Oh, my God. How is work is okay. Boy, that Rick really can fuck the wall. But they learned from each prototype, right? Quote, orgasm seems to be a direct result of how many inches per second the surface of the skin is moving.

Oh, my God. Very, it's very, it's very not erotic at all. It's very breaking down the male orgasm. Almost ruining jerking off. It's not about that. It's about how many pieces of it per second are in motion. What they came up with in late 1993 was it, and they named it Venus 2. Is there a Venus 1, you ask?

Well, sort of. Oh, dear. The first Venus is the Roman goddess of love. And this is the second Venus, the goddess of self-love. She must be honored. She must be so honored. It was composed of a plastic briefcase that had a small. You off to the office?

Nope. A plastic briefcase that had a small motor fastened to the inside. Oh, my God. A rubber hose. Oh, gross. Jesus. I'm your sock tube. And then the hose goes out of the briefcase and is attached to a plastic cylinder, which

is known as the receiver. Oh, good Lord. We don't need to come up with fancy names for the jizz holder. Inside of the receiver, which just looks like a plastic tube, right? Inside the receiver is a rubber liner. To get it going, and I think this has changed over the years, but to get it going, you blow into the cylinder to pressurize the air between the cylinder and the rubber liner. And then you you lube it up and you go to work.

Oh, good Lord. And there's a diaphragm that moves the air in and out and, you know, it's a whole thing. So in March, Rick jumps into the Arlington Heights. This is while he's building the he jumps into the Arlington Heights race for Village Manager. For Village Manager? It's a thing. It's like a. Hi.

Welcome to our town. I'm the manager. It's not a it's not a town or city. It's a village. And so they I think it's like a mayor kind of. I think it's sort of OK, sure. And he's running for Village Manager after coming up with his screw case. That's correct.

His previous the previous Village Manager had just left unexpectedly. So Rick jumps in three other people do Rick wants to bring his there's a vacuum of power. Did you say vacuum? Rick wants to bring his newly found Ross Pro politics to the village. The Chicago Tribune called him a dark horse amongst the four candidates. His platform was to quote, let residents air their views on how local government should be run via a computerized citizens lobby, which is what Ross Pro wanted. You wanted to create.

Sure. Like little small televised places. You could talk. I mean, he's talking about zoom. Right. Exactly. Right. He said just changing candidates wouldn't matter if you didn't change the system.

OK, so Rick spent a total of one week and $1,000 working on the campaign and he lost. He came in fourth. The winner at 6,876 votes. Rick had 138 Jesus Christ. On March 8th, 1993, Rick applied for a patent for his automated masturbatory device. We don't actually need to go through the evaluation process. You can have it. We're very sure.

We're very sure. Once the machine was done, Rick used it every day for three weeks. Oh, my God. After that, every every other. His wife must have just been like, cool, honey. The load jar is actually starting to work a lot better than I thought it would, which is really what I was worried about in the prototype phase. No, you you bring up his wife, but I, and yes, that's a crazy story, son, son, right?

His son. So his son, he has a dad who is just oddly open about wanting to masturbate into a machine. You want to give it a whirl boy? So they begin selling them. Apparently they put word out on the street because the first person to buy one was a friend of one of Rick's neighbors. Oh, wow. Hey, I'm Dan.

I'm actually just a Rogers. Our son Rogers and my sons play soccer together. He had mentioned something about a briefcase you can bang. I hope it's not too awkward. I have the money. I would love to have a case that would suck my dick, right? So this is where my brain can't comprehend because because it has to, I mean, it has to go through people like a friend of a friend hears about it.

So people are talking about people are talking and he has no shame, which is actually more healthy than having shame. Yes. Right? Yeah. I mean, we, we, we are, you and I are more fucked up about this because it makes us feel weird than Rick. Yes.

Well, I just, yes, I mean, it, to me, it's, it, what's weird about it to me is that, well, there's so many things, but that he has a family that he's kind of openly doing this in front of his family and that it is this big of a problem. Like it just jerking off doesn't seem that difficult. Well, it seems, it seems like he's. Like he's after a more, he's after more than just lightening his balls. He's, he's, I think that he's broken down his marriage happiness, right? To the amount of sex he can have, right?

And, and, and sort of it's like he's, it's like he's compartmentalized how marriage works and you don't hear anything about the emotional, there's no anything about the emotional connection. Yes, his wife. Well, it's also, but it's also as, you know, it's like if, if you were like, I'm going to build a joke machine for the podcast just so we have it. And I'd be like, uh, sort of feels like my role is to, you'd be like, well, I mean, couldn't hurt to have more jokes if, you know, and I'd be like, uh, okay.

You know, like if you're the wife and it's like, well, honey, I'm going to go to the shed and try to bang that thing again. It's like, yeah, sort of felt like my role. Honestly, there's already a joke machine. It's named Blaine Capache. He is great. Uh, so look, his first one sold to this guy on November 9th, 1993 for a thousand and ninety five dollars, which equals to about in today's money, so it's about $2,000 that this guy spends

on a, on a machine to have sex with. The machine weighs 11 pounds. Okay. That's before or after filling it's six feet. It's six inches high. Six feet high. It's six feet high. It's basically picture a totem pole.

It is that with, it's a totem hole. It's eight inches wide and nine and a half inches long. So it's not small, but it's not huge. It's a, it's a little boxy, very simple. Like if someone catches you in public with it to just say, I'm studying weather. Well, that's it. You can fit all the parts in the briefcase for traveling or hiding. So it just looks like a box you're carrying.

You can say anything. Right. If they catch you with it. Right. Unless you're just a bunch of pens or if you're him, you could just be open. It contains a series of tubes that'll go around my penis and pull semen from me. It sells very well. He's been using the bank of Buffalo Grove for 10 years for all his business accounts.

So he goes there to open a merchant account for processing credit card orders. Wrong briefcase. Sorry. My business stuff's in this one. He decides to call the business safe sex systems and open accounts under that name. But when the bank president learns of what the business actually is, he orders an officer to have Rick close all the safe, safe, safe sex systems accounts within 30 days. That's not cool though.

No, it's not. But this is a different time. I mean, I know, but still, I think now, yeah, I think now a bank would take any money any way they can get it. And I mean, really, when you think about it, the bank is the machine that sucks you dry. The whole time, the thing I've been looking for was where I'd been putting my money already. So Rick is forced to move to another bank and found one where they didn't care. Now, to be clear, I want to be upfront with you guys because my last bank was upset at

me because inside of this briefcase is a series of jars, tubes, and vacuums. And it's meant for the man to put his member inside of it and then it finishes it. Are you guys willing to take my money? He also, because of what had happened, switched the company name to 3S Corporation. It stands for safe sex. So maybe marketing is difficult. Either way, Val and Rick bring the Venus 2 over to Abco Research Associates. Now, Abco is a company that makes a female version of the Venus 2.

So women can, on their own. The penis 2. It's like a saddle with a, it's a whole thing. So rotating, whatever. The rotating dick saddle. No, I haven't. So that came out, that had come out in 1987. It was named the Sibian.

Oh, I know what the Sibian is. The Sibian is insane. Yeah. Yeah. So a guy, the guy who came up with the Sibian had worked as a ballroom dance and instructor and found out a lot of husbands were not good in bed. Wow. So this is just validating any fear any husband has to his wife ballroom dancing.

And so from that knowledge, he created the Sibian and sold it for $1395 through his company. Okay. Abco, Abco Research Associates. And they just happened to be located in the state of Illinois also. So it's something about Illinois. So, so Rick and Val drive down there and show them the product and they love it. And it's the two companies start working together.

Yeah. Honey, good news. We sold it. Great. This is going to be a big part of our lives. Abco helps Rick launch the Venus 2 and market it. Okay. Start selling the Sibian on his, through him, you know, his, his company, Abco starts selling

the Venus 2. It's a happy, happy marriage. Sure. So, a year later, Rick had sold 500 Venus 2s. That's $550,000. Pretty good. Yeah. That's like that.

Now you're, now I know I, and now I'm like, what, like, but of course there's a market for it. But. Yes. There are some of the guys. Tony is a private investigator in Chicago and he was interviewed by Rodkin, quote, the closest thing I can compare it to is a good blow job. The sensation is similar, but you don't have the turn on factor of having somebody there

doing it to you. Yeah. No shit. The whole, the whole point, right? It's like having sex without the, the person. The only downside I would say is that when you're done, it's a little depressing, cleaning out the jars a little weird. At that, by the, when Tony was interviewed, he had used it around 60 times.

Oh my God. I mean, it's not the greatest. How many times you use it? About 60. Quote, but look, it's durable as hell. It runs forever. Oh, you can really bang the fuck out of this thing. It doesn't get tired.

It doesn't complain. You never have to say less. It doesn't complain. That's the next thing he said. No, no. It doesn't complain. No. What?

I bet if it could, it would. Can I have a life? And you don't have to take it to dinner. Oh my God. You should though. So, and my briefcase will be having the angel hair pasta, nothing too garlicky though. It'll be on my cock later. So I would say this.

You're finding a product for the right people because this is a machine that is for men who shouldn't be around women. Right. Okay. Right. Fair. Let's get these men away from women. Perfect.

The Venus 2 also has a speed knob so you could speed it up or slow it down. I might guess if that knob breaks. The slowest is 20 strokes per minute. So you just want to have a slow jam. Right. The fastest is 350 strokes per minute. What? What?

That's a hummingbird's wing. Well do you want to know what it's like to fuck a hive of bees? That is, that is like, that is, that we've, that's a hummingbird's wing as far as getting your dick sucked. Yeah. It's insane. I mean, what is that? You're like, oh Jesus Christ.

How do I turn this down? Oh boy. Oh boy. It sucked my balls out. Gary Griffin became a huge proponent of the Venus 2. He called it, quote, the Rolls Royce of masturbation machines. Yeah, that's right. We all know, we all know Griffin.

He's a gay man. He lived in Palm Springs. He wrote books about male sexuality, which included titles like The Legendary Endowment Project, Testicles, The Ball Book, Horseman's Club, and of course, Penisize and Enlargement, Fact Fallacies and Proven Methods. Mm-hmm. Yep. Of course.

Now, none of these were e-books, so The Horseman's Club is currently on sale for $763.80 on Amazon. Great. Yep. Great, great, great. And my guess is inside of there is a machine that'll suck your dick. So, for that price? Gary Griffin is a pseudonym.

Griffin also co-authored a newsletter called Penis Power Quarterly. Okay. Uh-huh. Now, I looked up Penis Power Quarterly because I was like, well, I have to, I researched. Right. I put it through a newspaper, you know, all the old newspaper machine, and all that came up was that these women in Miami in an office had filed a sexual harassment suit against a guy, and one of the things was that he kept bringing in the new issues of Penis Power Quarterly

to show them. Oh, Kidokey. Yeah. You guys got to check out this week's funny strips. So Griffin is a major authority on penis stuff, and he said of the Venus 2 quote, the interlining of the Venus 2 is very sensuous. You think you're walking on the moon. It's so good.

What? Yes, men can use their hands, but there is always a need for something new and different. People get bored with vanilla ice cream. If they get it every day too, men get bored with their hand. That's why they go and find partners. That's actually not, just so everybody's aware, that's not why, there's always been this disconnect between men, and I don't think women are, there's a bunch of men who love going to strip clubs and there's a bunch of men who don't like it.

And then this is just extrapolating that out. There's men who don't seem to think that sex is anything that has to do with an emotional connection. Yeah. And then there's dudes who are just like, I'm going to go fuck a pool, and that's the same thing. Yeah, and we're both agreeing the pool fuckers are cool. I mean, that is a thing.

I think it is, I mean, look, if sex is that important to you, then that is a thing you want in your relationship, and there are partners you could find who are probably aligned with you in some way. So that is on your list of things that you want in a partner. Otherwise, you are going to come to this crossroads where you are, whether you realize it or not, are going to be making your partner feel a little, feel not, feel like they're not the right person for you because you keep going to your shed to bang a machine. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, and it should be in the shed. It has to be in the shed. And again, this is all, this is 94 now, 1994. So this isn't something that's openly talked about. I think Gary Griffin is a gay dude. I think you should always have sex as the best thing if you're in a relationship because you don't want to have a thing that sucks your dick better because then you are taking away part of your relationship, part, you know, a piece of the connection that's in

your relationship. Well, I think then you have, you're literally having a thing where you're like, oh, I could go have, I mean, you're literally having choices where you're like, I don't think that's going to happen, you're going to cheat, you're going to cheat with a briefcase and get her in the mood. I could just pull out my suitcase and fuck yeah, like that other guy was saying, like you got to buy dinner, it's going to complain. You know, I mean, that's where their fucking minds are going.

I'll tell you what the briefcase doesn't want to do is cuddle and have a post-coital smoke, which is nice. You can just get right back to playing with my dog. But remember the argument is that this helps marriage is like that's Rick's argument. Yes, it helps. It helps marriages that probably aren't right. Yeah. Sure.

It like covers the. Yeah. Yeah. So, so Griffin is a huge endorsement, particularly as Griffin, he's promoting the Venus too, but he's an investor in a competitor called the Miracle Mate. It's like the main competitor, but Griffin had integrity. He had integrity. What does the Miracle Mate do?

It's just, I think it's a box you fuck. So quote, I also tell people, if you want the genuine sensation of a mouth of a vagina, go for the Venus too. I'm not in this for the money. Guys, I'm in this to help people. This feels like a mouth. This tube feels like a mouth. Now the Venus too is not one size fits all.

Rick had to know your penis size for the machine to work properly. Sure. Sure. So Rodkin quote, a tight fit is crucial. Right. So, you would send a, he would send a fax to potential customers, which is a form that you had to write down the diameter and length of your penis. So you would.

Just trace it like you would your hand for a turkey in school. So now you brought up Karen. What does Karen think of all this? So Karen, she's now 40, she's working from home. Oh cool. So she's probably using the fax machine and going like, it's another penis submission. So they still had the heating and air conditioning business and she worked as the dispatcher out of their kitchen.

She also did clerical work for Venus too, which was now incorporated as 3S and it's based three miles away. So she'd drive over wheeling and do the clerical stuff. She was hoping the Venus would lead to a comfortable life. That's what she was thinking. She's thinking this can make us money and make things easy. We can retire. Quote, hopefully Rick's machine will make us a nice living.

So far it would appear there is a market for something like that, which surprises me. Even saying that, it's like, it's, it feels like she's distanced. Oh yeah. So yeah, she can't believe that this thing actually has any sort of value. My next invention will be a man who will stand in my stead while I'm in my bang shed for my wife. I mean, he's, he's out there explaining, look, it's actually labor. We're talking about labor.

This is, I'm also hearing, she probably had to be at like some places where he was speaking. Like I was not getting enough sex in my marriage. My wife wanted to give it to me once a week. Thank you, Karen. Hand me the briefcase. That's when I came up with this. The Venus II, the only thing that eliminated my wife's cold clamminess. Mr. Gallo, we had, we had you come to the high school to discuss your current job, but

we actually thought you were just air conditioning. Oh, I can do the air conditioning stuff. Yeah, sure. No problem. So anyway, this is a, this is the Venus II. It's available for sexualizing and whatever way. Now, heating and air conditioning is also a fascinating world. Let me tell you something about your air conditioning unit.

Your penis will fit into some of those vents, but it's too loose, which is why the Venus has to have a very hot grip around your member. Anyway, heating and air conditioning. We can do that too. Now the bank situation had left Rick a bit gun shy, though that was the only poor response he'd really come up against. Quote, sometimes I've been fearful, but we've decided to maintain a completely open policy. The principal reason is to demonstrate that a subject like this can be handled with maturity.

Now on that side, I'm like, okay, I agree, but there's clearly a weird disconnect between about sex. So it didn't help that rumors were circulating in the pro masturbation community that the religious right had shut down one adult male machine maker named Funways. Well, I'll remember Funways. Their machine was called AccuJack. Oh, my God. The masturbation community believed the FDA under Reagan had been pressured by the religious

right and responded by forcing Funways to follow strict and expensive safety safety standards that caused AccuJack manufacturing to be shut down. AccuJack is a phenomenal name. And by the way, the only way to get me on the pro machine briefcase bang machine is to tell me that the religious right is pushing to have it shut down. Now I love it. I'm in. Well, now Funways, the community believed was now just a lube business, but I couldn't

find anything back in the room up business. Yeah, the people were like, look, man, they used to sell jerk off machines and now they're just selling lube. Yeah, right. OK. But that wasn't true at all. As a matter of fact, the Funways site is still up and it looks very old and they are still selling the RoboJack, the RoboPort and the RoboJack Plus.

It is a case with a tube and well, you get it. And it's $800. Oh, my God. It looks like it looks almost like a fishing tackle box, right? It's Funway or Funways? Funways. RoboJack products. I found it.

Oh, my God. Oh, but they like tackle boxes. It's a tackle box. Oh, my Lord. It's just so weird. It's weird. But still fear was in the air for all these people. Gary Griffin said, quote, what happens when the Bible thumpers find out you make sex toys

is they complain that you are taking man away from his natural orifice, which is the vagina. But even then, but to be fair, they have put, they've put so many conditions around sex. So like their institution is part of the reason why it, I mean, the way they view sex is also so demented. Yes. So it's like to hear their morality on like what you should or should not do is crazy because their religion is founded upon a lady who got pregnant without come. Now Rick is adamant that the Venus two would be nothing but positive for society, leading

to less stress, more happiness and calmness. Quote, there are a lot of people whose schedules are so tight that if they didn't have enough time to have some sex or at least the physical illusion of sex, they would probably start to resent things a lot. I view a world where after lunch around 345, the boss gives everyone a 15 minute jack off. You know, those, those breastfeeding pods, well, we have one of those, but it's for men. Yeah. It's called the jack shack.

We have one at O'Hare. Some users agreed and they would not only use it to masturbate, but also just to relax. So it's like a cigarette after a meal. I mean, reading about this, dudes would actually put it on and have it on that lowest setting and just be like, oh, I'm just, I'm just, it's like being in a hammock. It's meditative. Rod can quote, it is, they say, a handy substitute for a human sex partner who isn't always available or in the mood.

It's not. So anyway, a college professor named jacking off is not the same thing as having sex with someone. That's just not a fucking thing. It's also like, yeah, again, jacking off should be, I think it should just be like this. If yeah, if you have to, if you feel like you sexually have to get rid of your like seam and then do it, you don't need to have an apparatus and then you, you know, and then if you have to do it five times, 10 times a week, do it.

Just do it. Just do that. Just not talk about it. Yeah. Just try to, you know, just try to compartmentalize and live amongst us. A college professor named Dan explained his process quote, I set the knob on slow to moderate tempo and I lay back and put on some good music, some new age music. It's relaxing the whole cock, massaging the whole thing.

I let it build slowly over time, turning up the speed very, very gradually and just lay back and enjoy it for about 45 minutes. I'll ejaculate once, maybe twice. Oh, that's also very strange. That's very strange. Yes. To, to keep going after you finished. I'll do another round.

Well, I should bring up and I didn't put this in here because I don't understand it, but the claim is repeatedly made that you can orgasm without being hard. What? Yeah. And it, it comes up over and over. Just like a cow's udder, milked? Who, what is the pleasure in that? There you go.

That's cool. That's nice. Just like a piece of cooked spaghetti getting sucked on. And Griffin explained that as a man and his wife have a disparity in their sex drive, this is a way to save the marriage. Otherwise the options are girlfriends or prostitutes. No. But what does the wife say?

Did you jerk off? Well, I want to hear the wife say what she, I want to hear after that statement, I want to hear the wife go, yes, it has really helped our marriage because it means that this sort of sexual frustration is removed from it. Or is she like, no, it's super weird and my kids get made fun of at school. I don't love it. I thought I married a regular person, not a guy who had a bank case. Rick was now using it every other day, since it had been created after those first three

weeks of every day. He also has having sex with Karen two or three times a week. At first it wasn't easy. You know what, I know what's, I mean, he's in love with the device. Well, at first it wasn't easy with Karen, quote, I felt like I could be sure, I felt like I couldn't be sure that I had an erection. The stimulation was different and less intense. I gradually learned that the differences between the two added spice and variety.

Now I savor both types of attention and stimulation, attention. He is making this machine into something it is not. Yeah. I also think, I mean, it's almost like heroin. You don't want to know it's out there. You know, like just stick, look, we get it, but just, come on, the idea that you're now going like, I like fucking the machine and my wife for different reasons. Karen did admit it bothered her, but did understand he had a higher sex drive, quote, if he used

it three times a day and paid no attention to me, it would bother me. But what he's done is convinced her that this is an answer, but it's not an answer to what. Yeah, I think like openness about what you want is obviously important, like you want to be able to say what you want. And you know, yeah, if you want to be having more sex in your marriage and your partner says that they, that doesn't equate with what they want, then yeah, I mean, then you come up with, then you have to come up with a way. But I just think it's very strange for that way to be better than sex with your wife.

That to me feels like where there's a betrayal. So Rick knew there were tons of men straight and gay, just like him in relationships. And that was the market he was pursuing. There were also men who traveled a lot and he's actively look at the market is men, men or women or men who are in relationships who are okay, that's and also men who travel a lot and men who are scared of HIV. So in 19 April, 1997, by the way, you can tell that the reason that Rick made this, based on all of this stuff, just pulling extrapolating, he wanted

to go to sex workers, but was too scared of AIDS, so he built the machine. That to me, because it comes up so often, this is saving you from AIDS, that that would be my deduction. Interesting. Okay. So in April 1997, Abco bought the patent to Venus 2 with all the marketing and manufacturing rights. So Rick apparently is just out of the business.

He sold it all. Abco then says it improved the machine and started calling it the Venus 2000. So then obviously, then Rick's just a normal person, so he just kind of disappears. We don't know a lot about him and in 2009, Rick appeared at the found footage festival in Chicago, which shows old found VHS tapes and someone had found footage, there's two guys that run it. They're Wisconsin dudes. Yeah.

Yeah. They found an old commercial, the Venus 2 with Rick and Rick introduced it on stage and I haven't been able to locate it, but I'm going to contact the guys and ask them if they have it. Oh my God. Because they have a whole website with all the, and it's a great website. If you've never watched found footage film festival stuff, it is, it will entertain you endlessly.

Yes. It's really a great website. Go to found footage and just check it out and you can buy and download stuff. So how did things turn out for Rick? You're asking. Well, there's not a lot of info out there, but it does seem to show that things did not go well. In September 2011, the Kenosha News in Wisconsin reported he was arrested for stealing corn.

It seems he called a farmer who had two farms. One was for sale and he talked with the farmer a few times about the farm and at one point asked if he could have a look around the property and the farmer told him he could, but not to disturb or take anything. Now the farmer's wife had a weird feeling and she told her husband to go check on it. And when the farmer got there, he found trucks were taking grain out of a bin and a door had been cut open, so they're stealing, they're stealing corn. We're going to make cornography.

Farmers stopped the theft and called the cops. The trucks were out of state trucks that Rick had hired and he had also set up buyers and was going to sell the corn for $3 less a bushel than it was worth. So the farmer called the sheriff. The Rick told the sheriff the corn was agricultural waste and corn had already been taken and sold. So Rick was arrested. He goes to trial in 2015. He's found guilty and given three years probation.

So things are obviously not going well for Rick. That's the last, that's the last of any information about Rick. There are currently two Venus 2000 rental companies in Europe. Rental. I mean, put this on the list of things. I'm not comfortable sharing. Now you get to keep, you get, you get to, when you rent it, you get a receiver. So you take off the part your penis goes into, but then you plug it into the tube.

I know. It's still a little too close. I'm, I don't care how many times a second that thing stroke in my penis, my mind is elsewhere. One, Venus rental 2000, which when you go to the website, it's just a huge picture of a woman laying in bed looking at you and you're like, that's not what this is at all. I'm ordering the lady. It opened in 2004, quote, we offer you the Venus 2000 for a period of two weekends for

the price of 100 Euro. So you're just like a divorced dad with a fuck case. I'll take it to school. You'll get it every other weekend. Well, it's a thousand dollars. So there is a market for it, I guess. Yeah. It doesn't surprise me that there's a market and it's not even to say that there shouldn't

be a market. It's not even to say that people shouldn't be able to use apparatus, apparatus or devices. It's just the situation of being in a marriage and then deciding to introduce the fact that you need a screw box. Yes. Yes. I'll continue on. Of course, the unit stays with you between the two weekends.

We ship a discreet, neutral and well-packed on Tuesday. So we'll arrive on Thursday or Friday. The company also says it is an official Abco service station for the machines. So the things doing the clog thing again, it's the motor is very loud. The motor is very loud. I did find a review of another sex machine on Amazon called the Milker Christ Almighty. Well, if you didn't stop drinking milk, do now. And the review mentions the Venus 2000.

This is by user Chester M. Molester, quote, I had a much-loved and much-used Venus 2000. It disappeared during a move. I find that the Milker is very similar, just about as effective. It disappeared during a move, which is code for. Yeah, a move. My wife threw it out. Okay. I thought maybe a move or I was like, whoa.

My wife threw it in a fucking dumpster. Yeah, right, right. But then I got the Milker pretty good. So Jesus Christ, what a look, man, just just go online. Go to what's the fucking kink website? Just go to a fucking website and find a lady that has the same sex drive, or just jerk off. Yeah, I mean, again, can I ask you something else?

These guys don't seem to have a normal fantasy life. The thing about jerking off is you're fantasizing, but these guys, I don't think, do that. Yeah, it's more recreational. It's weird. And I also think that I really don't watch porn, and the reason is because it's not like when you say that, I think people are like, oh, you got that bad, but I think it just damages the way you view this shit. I think it just removes a reality that is important, and I think it's also a way to

just ruin fucking. Yeah, really. Sex is good, and it should be enjoyed, and you should try to preserve its beauty by not finding other simpler cheats to having it. It's just a matter of having a little bit of integrity with it, and that's not to say that you, again, watch whatever you want, do whatever the fuck you want. But if you are engaged in a relationship, that is a huge component in it. That is a part of it.

A sexual connection is a part of it. So honestly, there are times where I've gotten into relationships because of sex. Sometimes you're like, oh, you should wait, and sometimes you should, but other times because you are sexual with someone, you just fucking start to like them a lot, and that's how you form the connection. Whatever it is, it will remove, it starts to remove some of the important holds that are in your sexual relationship. So you can jerk off, you should jerk off, but you also should make sure that you have

a healthy sexual relationship with a partner, and you should be upfront about it when you're starting this. If you're like someone who's like, look, I have a crazy sex drive, I have a Venus too, be upfront about it. I know a girl who has dated a guy for a long time who has a sex doll, and he was just upfront about it, and she was like, it's cool. One of those really expensive ones? Yeah, yeah, one of those ones where it's like, it's Tiffany, but he was upfront about it,

and it's totally cool, and they're fine, and it is what it is, but it was established. It's just weird when you're in a relationship to, I mean, it's just the same thing if you found out your husband was just spending thousands of dollars on cam girls and shit like that. It's just, it's not cheating, but it's not being upfront, so it's just sort of shady and weird. Oh my God, it looks like a fuck, dude, it looks like the AC DC of fuck tubes. And look, they've improved it. They have like an air in, air out, a button.

Oh, I know, I ordered two while we were doing the show. And there's the speed knob. I mean, it's just... Look, it's a choice. And again, if you want to live your life with like fucking a machine because it simplifies your existence, then go do it. But it's an isolating experience, and it's probably better to not use something like that and try to find a connection with a human because I think that's where this is all birth

from is trying to replicate sex with a human. And that can still be a very passionate and stimulating experience. There are humans out there to have a hard time connecting with humans and... Yes. But then again, for sure, go for it. Yeah, but then don't lie about, let's not treat women, women, let's not put women on... I mean, he's literally putting women on the same level as a machine. And you can't expect someone to cohabitate in that environment.

You can't expect someone to comfortably be like, hey, it's cool, Barry goes to the shed and bangs his briefcase. So this is based on an article by Dennis Rodkin in The Chicago Reader called Stroke of Genius. The Chicago Reader is a great independent media, and I would assume like everything else, they're having a hard time right now. You can actually go and donate to them. I really like Chicago Reader. I had lost this story.

I first found it on some weird blog. And it wasn't this story. It was just one of the very first things someone had written up about this guy, and it was just him trying... Well, I think he had like a suitcase and he was trying it, but... And then I think I've talked about how I wish I could find it again and I just stumbled across this. This was written in 1994.

And then if you find this amusing, the sources will be up on the Dollop Sources page. But there's links to all this stuff. The Venus is still fucking killing it. My Google searches are fucked for a while because doing this, I'm just like, God, I'm just going to be so fucked with it. I always think that when I write on shows, I'm like, they'll be like, well, why did you look up that? I'll be like, for a joke.

That was for a joke. So I'm just screwed because there's also so many Pornhub videos of guys using it. Because I was trying to find the commercial, and what do you put in for the commercial without it coming up to a Pornhub video? It's really unbelievable. And look, if anybody from Found Footages out there, and you have a copy of that, please throw it up and we'll retweet and put it up on the socials. And yes, again, if you're looking to follow down a wormhole on YouTube, or go to their

website, Found Footage, but I remember watching those when I was 10 years ago. And it's highlight reels of insanity. And commercials are just some guy who's just like, this is the only ax that'll go through your leg. This'll be good. This ought to be fun. Yeah. All right.

Well, we did it. We did a dirty one. We signed sex machines. Yeah.