The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 474 - Cabeza De Vaca - Part 1

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Spanish explorer Cabeza De Vaca.Source - Reséndez, Andrés. A Land So Strange: The Epic Journey of Cabeza de VacaTour DatesRedbubble Merch

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Network. This is a bilingual American History podcast where each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to my friend. Gareth Reynolds who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. Did someone just come in the room behind me? Yeah there's a person with a sword. That? No. Jesus wouldn't that be amazing if you saw me killed on Zoom? I mean what a fucking great bit you would have. I mean the way that you're thinking is so crazy it's your life and the first thing you think is that I'm gonna get a good couple minutes out of it for stand-up? After after the PTSD shock of it

wears off then then like in like sure in like five years people will be like can you tell the story? So a friend of mine got murdered with a sword while I was Zooming with him as COVID was crazy. My friend was that my guy came into the room and I was recording a podcast. My friend had put a sword through his throat and he died immediately and it's a very hard thing to witness and then I ended the meeting for all. What? As I say what's the premise of the bit though? You gotta have like a... Hey you want to hear about the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life? Yeah a friend of mine was a sword killed on a Zoom call. I was on it with

him and then I muted audio. I'll just end it with super specific Zoom things like that. I think that's how I'll make it. And now that's my background. So I did the clap emoji. So just found out you can do. And called it quote his jam patch. I'm the fucking hippo guy. My name's Gary. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tickly Clip. Okay. This is like an ad on a five part coefficient. My room's a place. Now hit him with a puppy. You both present sick arguments. Don't sleep down hippo. That's like down hippo. Actually partner. Hi Gary. No. I sleep down my friend. No. No. Rona. Rona in the car. I just read that there was some actor that was offered a part in a Scooby-Doo

movie and when he found out Scrappy-Doo was going to be in it he turned it down. And that's the greatest. They say integrity is dead in Hollywood. Right. You hear about something like that. That guy's fucking amazing. I can't remember his name. Scrappy-Doo. Scrappy-Doo's the worst. Scrappy-Doo's a criminal. Just the whole idea of it. I came in as a child and I enjoyed Scrappy. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Don't ever don't ever don't ever say stuff like that to me. Don't say it. Man I had. I had an amazing argument with my mother this morning about that there was never a shakey's pizza in Wisconsin. She goes no there was shakey's and I'm like there was not. I was like it's a California thing all this stuff

and then I finally looked up and there was. Shakey's was nationwide baby. Shakey's had 500 stores in the country. I was like damn. Shakey's was business. I guess yeah but it's shakey's so it had to go. What would you expect. We're closing a bunch of them. We were shakey's. We're not good at this. We are announcing a nationwide shake out. It's the shakeout that finally is happening. 1488. Or 1490. Or 1492. You're our Lord Jesus Christ. Just the evens. There's no way it was an odd year. Yeah isn't that weird but that's what it said. Seems weird. That's what the information is. Alvar Nunez Cabeta de Vaca was born in Castile in the town of Jerez de la Frontera. Jeez. His parents were both minor nobility

so I guess not that hot shit. Royals like kind of. Touch touch a nobility right. Not good Royals you know. Well yeah but they're like you know they get invited to the big shindigs. I think the technical term is weak ass nobility. Sure. Sure. More like nobility. Wow this is going to be a good one. This already feels like it's going to be really good. The biggest influence in Cabeta's life was his paternal grandfather Pedro de Vera. Vera was an expert soldier and he led raids against the Moors in North Africa. So grandpa was big into capturing native people on islands near Spain and then selling them as slaves. Okay so great. He was extremely brutal. Good. That's cool right. Yeah yeah no that's great

history always. It's always a pleasure. In 1511 Cabeta went to Italy to fight the French. So he's young. He's very young. He's like 18 or something. Okay. He was wounded during a battle in which the Spanish were routed and he returned Spain in 1513. He got married. Charles of Castile revolted against the Spanish King Charles V in 1520 and took over parts of Castile. I'll never get over the fact like I assume I assume Charles the V was English and they sent him down there. Right. Yeah. That kind of stuff always. You know they were all fucking each other. Well it's strange that it's strange that people weren't like this is our king. Charles. I know right. It's just so fucking. Oh yeah that's our new king

Chuck. Yeah. Yeah no we're Spanish. He's not at all one of us. He finds it impossible to relate to us yet he's in charge of everything. Why don't they talk a bit more regular like I do my man. But I don't want Spain. I want Scotland. You're going to Hungary. If you dare send me to Hungary mother I will be such a terrible king to them. I would be a vindictive keep it up. Where else could you send me that's worse than Hungary. You've all got me the way. Austria. Austria. Austria. Austria. You wouldn't dare. I wouldn't very much though. You would not dare send me to Austria. You absolute wench. You would not send me there. I don't want to be a king of them. I want to be a king of people who look like me pale

people with weird teeth and long long weird fingers. I wouldn't go to fucking Prussia. I don't care. Well that's a terrible boy. That's when they've combined Prague and Russia right. Sure. Sure. I don't know. I'll figure it out when I'm down there. Hello people of Prague and Russia who have been smooshed into one nation. I am your king Charles. I wish I could do a German accent because I could have kept going. So Kabeza fights with the crowd and he fights in important battles. Are you doing the thing where you go like I am. I think it's funny. It's just you know why. Do you know why they do that. I thought it was because when people go to a visa they want to drive me crazy.

No. This is what this is my understanding. I could be totally wrong. This is what I was told. There was a prince or a king in Barcelona. I am the king of Lisb and I didn't want anyone to mess with me. He had a little visa. I'm from Barcelona. Yes. He had a Lisb. So everybody has everybody had everybody had to start up. Yes. That's my understanding. Yes. Shut up. And I could be totally wrong. I had a list and he did and he was mortified by his list. So he decided that instead of standing out everyone else must also have the list. I don't know if he ordered it or if everyone just started doing it. But that's how it came. Remove the tips of everyone's tongue. And then we'll all come over and we'll practice

our ethics. That's what it's supposed to be. Ibiza. Gracias. Ibiza. Yes. It's hard to do. It's hard to do. It's hard to stop doing sometimes. Well it's a very light Lisb when they do it. It is. But it's that's why it's like you know what I mean. It's like when someone comes like when you know like when like you know like a white girl comes back from Chile and she's like oh I just had a great summer in Chile. And you're like look you didn't you're not Chilean like how about this. Chill out. Can you do that. Can you chill out with your Chile. So Cabeza fought with the crowd. I'm going to keep doing it until I stop doing it. I just fought it. Okay. He fought important battles. Then the next year he went and fought

against the French when they invaded. So he's got a lot of he's got a lot of experience in sure war. His last name amused others because Devaka means cows head. Sure. That's amusing. In 1527 he was named the Royal Treasure for an expedition that was to be led by Conquistador Panofilo de Narvez. Now Narvez was supposed to explore conquer and settle a place that was known as La Florida. Oh dear. At this time Florida stop. Let's let's can we just pull the plug on the mission now. I worry about where this heads. Do you know what I mean everyone. Maybe we should just leave it. Yeah this place could really become a shit show. It's real swampy here. I just get bad vibes of the future. That's where yacht rocks going

to come from. Yeah. So at this point Florida is like just sort of a vague like it is the tip. It is the the penis part of America. But then they also they also sort of visualizes like everything from where we see Mexico on up. So it's that whole Gulf Coast. Sure sort of situation. So right. The other two big guys on the expedition were captains Alonso de Castillo and Andres Dorentes. So Nivez doesn't have any say in Cabitha's appointment. Okay even though even the Narvez is in charge. And and Cabitha is not there to be under Narvez's. He's not he's not under him. It's essentially great. Beetha's appointment is for the for the crown. He his allegiance is to the emperor as royal treasurer. Right. Great. So it's

a good vibe. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's like having a I don't know a money nark on your ship. Right. He's there to get the the emperor the crown its share of profits. Right. Yeah. Right. It's like before I go on stage they hire another comedian who doesn't necessarily see my act the same way. But we're going to work on it together and perform it together. So five ships that sail on June 17 1527 there's 600 soldiers in colonists including 10 married women and then there's slaves. So a lot of people on these five ships. Sure. They arrive in Espanola and the Caribbean after a month. They so right now Spain has control of Cuba. That's that's what it controls in this area. So they're there to get provisions

and build another ship. They're there for 45 days. We're there in Cuba. Yeah. And OK. And while they're there a hundred and forty men desert the ship. OK. Good. So a third are gone. Right. Good start. This isn't Cuba. This is Espanola which OK. So they desert the ship and then they sailed to Cuba. So two ships arrived in Trinidad Cuba first. But then the very next day bad weather hit and could beat the wander away a couple of days before they walked into the town which is little ways in inland. But then he finally he finally they're bugging him to go and so he gets off the ship and he goes inland to Trinidad and then that's when the they learned it wasn't just a storm but it was a hurricane.

OK. Right. Good. Capita quote all the houses and churches below blew down and it was necessary for us to band together in groups of seven or eight men our arms locked with one another in order to save ourselves from being carried away by the wind. Oh my God. What. So they are linking. They're they're just straight up like linking arms hoping to not go up in a hurricane. Yeah. Basically they're. So you go through the hurricane. I mean they're out. It's not like you have a building. You know back then there's nothing you could build that would withstand a hurricane. No the buildings collapse. So they're like OK. What's next. And I'm sure trees are getting ripped out. I mean there's a there's a hurricane. I don't

know when it was. It might be the 1600s but the records of it are like nothing we've ever seen since. Oh we'll get there. Yeah we'll get there. So they already they're like wow this place is crazy. They they walk all night through the hurricane trying to find somewhere safe. They walk through the hurricane all night long just trying to find a place to be safe with the weather if the weather channel hears this they're going to be like why don't we have cameras on them. Oh the weather porn. The next day could be the end 30 survivors who were left went back to the ships. So they've got how many. I started with. No 600 that we're only have two of the ships. The rest of the ships aren't here. So OK. But now we're

down to 30 regardless. Yeah. Yeah. OK. And they lost time for hometown visits. What. No go ahead. What that meant. What does that mean. It's like a bachelor joke like you know it's like we're down to like 30 contestants so now we're going to meet. OK yeah I've never seen that. Me either. So so 30 survivors they go back to the ships and there's nothing there. There's just a couple of boys floating a couple of buoys or boys. Oh sorry buoys floating. OK. Did I say boys. Yeah we're teenagers. A couple of boys floating. I'm Mickey. I'm Randall. We're dying out here. We're just a couple of boys. They find a rowboat in a tree about a mile away. So that's good news. Look at that. We can row right

out of here. So basically they lost two ships 20 horses and 60 men. That's how many. That's what was lost in the story. Right. So they have to build new ships and now the crew doesn't want to sail again in the winter. They're like fucking terrified. Oh and they still didn't have a navigator. They couldn't find them when they were in Spain who was familiar with the area. So they were searched. Their plan was to find one when they got to this area find someone in Cuba or who was with the conquistadors in Mexico. So they're searching for one. So as it's really it's a bad plan. It's like searching for the person who searches. Yes no it's a terrible idea. You know who could help us find a navigator would be a navigator.

No vexing. So as the ships were built. Now they looked for a decent pilot and he came across Diego Morello. Now Morello was known as quote a very fine pilot of the northern coast. Although at this point not many Europeans have actually seen Florida. Right. And people haven't seen the Gulf Coast. So they're supposed to settle. The plan is they're supposed to settle the land between Florida and Rio de las Palmas which is a river and it's about 125 miles south of the Rio Grande. So they're supposed to settle all that area. OK. So if people don't know what that is that's like a chunk of Mexico Texas Mississippi Louisiana Alabama and Florida. It's a big fucking stretch of land. Jesus Christ. So yeah a lot of work.

Yeah. And when you say settle I mean essentially you're just you're trying to start up some semblance of a society in these areas. Yeah colonize it and take it over. Right. Right. The Rio de las Palmas was supposed to be full of riches and was the number one priority. So that's the they really think there's a lot of gold along the Rio de las Palmas. OK. So they left Cuba in February of 1528 and pretty quickly it seemed like the new pilot wasn't great. OK. Navigator Morello. He ships keep running around in the archipelago of Canaro Canaro. Yeah. So that's that's when you're coming out of Cuba. There's a little archipelago there and it takes them 15 days to get past it. They finally head for the

mainland and after several days the pilot sees land. Now it's April 12th 1528 and he's convinced they're close to the Rio de las Palmas which is 125 miles south of the Rio Grande. Right. The US border the US border Texas and Mexico. It turns out they're not there. It turns out they're near Tampa Bay which is pretty. I mean that is. That's crazy. Really really in a different place. How would you not notice. How would anyone. You know. Look it's not easy to navigate. You know you use stars or whatever you're using. You don't know the area like. I don't understand how he he didn't know right from left. Like that's my biggest problem with this. Yeah you way overshot. Yeah. Yeah overshot.

The pilot said so the pilot says look we're here Rio de las Palmas. It's not more than 3045 miles up the coast. So they'd sail for two more days. And then after that Narve says all right let's get off here. Now they get off and they find an abandoned native village mostly huts and the colonists took it over and they find a gold they find a gold rattle which makes them think oh we're on the right path because there's going to be a lot of fucking gold here and that's why they're you know with the Aztecs and all that shit they're finding you know right those conquistadors are finding gold and stuff so he's like oh so we're near them we're closer to the source. And that's all they found was one gold rattle

they're like we got it. This is a good sign someone had gold. That's very promising. I love that the only thing they left behind is a gold rattle like yeah. So Narve's claims the area for Spain and himself and then for two weeks. I like that little move. Yeah this is Spanish land and kind of mine. Also anyway I pretty great. Me too bit. It's also mine as well. So for the next two weeks they make camp for the next two weeks small groups go out explore the area they find Tampa Bay and they're like holy shit. Let's go away from here. And that's no they were like it's beautiful. It's one of the only times people found Tampa Bay and we're like amazing. How many strip clubs did it have this time? That had four.

It had the Spearmint Rhino it had Cheetahs Panthers and then the other two. Mr. Mr. smells. That closed. Rightfully so. What's the problem. I'm going to miss this place. They also captured four locals. So they are very they are there are you know they're Spanish they're being fucking dicks to the. Sure they're doing. Of course. Yeah right. Of course. So they capture four and they take them back to the village and take them to their village right. Right. And they have gold and the locals say it came from a place called Apalachee which is very far away. They're like it's really far away but there's a lot of gold there. You guys should go there. There's tons of gold. That's what you want. Stopping and

asking for directions. It is always afraid. It is a hundred free slope. So it's two lefts and then it'll be on my right. Yeah. Yeah. Everything you're looking for over there. Everything you want. Oh yeah. Forever. It's like if someone was like robbing you in mid robbery they were like can I get some directions. Yeah it's really far from here. Oh well OK. Thank you friend. Yeah good luck. Yeah. Yeah. So Narveez meets with the highest ranking members and said of the of the expedition and he says he's going to split the expedition into two parts able bodied men and horses would go inland. I can't wait for the second group. First group sounds pretty good so far. So able bodied men with horses. Now get ready

for group two. It's not going to be pretty able able bodied men with horses would go inland on foot until they reached Rio de la Pamas and the ships would sail to the river and wait. So anybody who can't move who's sick who's ill. I assume who's a woman because there's no man on this. I'm not sick or ill. Yes. But you're a woman. You'll stay behind as well. So they're going to sail ahead and then meet them at the Rio de la Pamas. Now you can see the problem with this plan right. Dave there's tons of problems with this plan but yeah I mean the idea is that a rendezvous with quite a delayed arrival. Yeah well they actually not necessarily knowing where the rendezvous is. Well yeah they're actually well

they think they do because the pilot has told them it's just sure up this way but it's not there. Oh well that's going to be a problem. That's the whole rendezvous part. It's 900 miles away. Okay. So yeah. So Copeta did not want to leave the ships. A big reason for that was that the pilot didn't seem to know where they were and the horses were in really bad shape because the horses have just been on ships. Here's the thing about horses not usually on ships for a couple of months. Right. Right. Yeah. It's weird. It's weird like that. They're not sea animals. That's right. Well. Yeah. They are very briefly. When they are sea animals it's very quick. Yes. And they can carry. Well and then there's

also under the sea there are the horses. Yes. So they also have no interpreters so they can't talk to anybody. Oh and they're almost out of food. Great. Okay. So sounds like a lot of the expeditions we've covered on here where eventually you get to the point where nothing's going right anymore. Well they did see that gold rattle. So they are just this is all about gold. They're like we're going to get fucking rich and in our base. Sure. Kirby could be the latest out he says these are all the problems in our base is like no we're going to go. It's trust me. It's going to be great. It's fine. It's fine. We saw a gold rattle but pretty sure we're going to be fine. There was a golden

rattle. So. And then because Cabeza went against him in this private meaning that they had Norway's publicly shames Carbiza in front of everyone and tells him to stay with the ships since he quote objected so much and feared an inland expedition. So he's calling him a pussy. He's like hey everybody Carbiza is a big pussy. Oh he's scared to go on land and go to a place where we're not really sure where it is because we're given really vague directions from a couple of people we probably shouldn't trust did but knew he wants to stand the ship instead. Oh everyone stay by all means stay on the ship where you have a little bit more security as opposed to where I'm going which fuck knows

where I'm going. It's like 900 miles in one direction. Good luck with that. I mean I would be scared to walk through Florida today. Yes. Asking someone to walk 900 miles in Florida at any point is terrible but before it's even a place really ridiculous. So this makes now Cabeza is like well I'm fucking going on foot then like quote I preferred risking my life to placing my honor in jeopardy. So he's called a coward. He's like I'm not a coward. He just yeah it's class he suffers from what we call being a man and it's not great. I'd rather die than be wrong. The married women also didn't like the plan thinking their husbands would all die and our base told them that he and our base told them they would

need to quote fight many strange peoples and their husbands could die. So that's not a really pick me up for them. So wait the wives are worried about our husbands and he's like well they're going to find a lot of weirdos and may die. Yeah so that's fair. Anyway good luck everybody. I mean Florida has not changed at all. See you there. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much what everyone worries about there now. I'm worried that my spouse is going to die when he leaves the house. Well it's fair. Look if you've been beaten up by a meth head and flip flops. All right. With his flip flops. Take that. Flippity floppity. But those he says but those who live are going to be rich. So that's his that's his selling point. Everyone's

going to be rich. And then they split up and off off they go and the ships the ships you know go their separate way. 300 Europeans some African slaves and 40 very skinny horses are now on the march. Now the plan is to get to the province of Panuco which is in what we now call Mexico. It's a big slave trading place like it's where they're capturing slaves and you know bringing them back to Spain or selling them off or whatever. Okay. It's very sort of pop populated with native people and that's sort of the goal. They want to get there. So they think that it's really close. Okay. So nobody's figured nobody's figured there about 40 miles away. It's like 40 give or take. And they're approximately

800. They're 900. They're 900. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. They start start heading north and they walk through just wild untamed Florida which you can imagine how much of a fucking nightmare. Strip malls and Epcot center all that night. Yeah. Yeah. I mean just if you've ever seen just just wild Orlando it's up. Oh it's just when you see the places. These are the native carnies. Gonna take you a couple more tickets to ride the tilt to world. It's just don't make eye contact with them. Hey if you throw a softball in this basket you can win yourself a big bear with a bow. Keep walking. Keep just keep moving. Don't look at them. Don't look. Don't make eye contact. Do not make eye contact. Anybody wants a corner

of big novelty turkey leg. Two for five dollars. Just keep moving. Don't look. Don't look. You'll crawl. You'll crawl. Hop on a zipper. Two for five dollars. I'll take one of the arrows. Arrows. Arrows. Arrows. Arrows. Arrows. Arrows. Arrows. So they had nothing to eat. Like I said they're at this point they're just eating the hearts of palm from a certain kind of palm tree. That's all they're eating. Man. And also I believe hearts of palm is very difficult to get into. Oh my God. Yeah. No. It's the heart of the palm. Yeah. No it's not. That's like the worst place to look for food as far as I'm concerned. After a couple of weeks they came across 200 locals. So nobody speaks to them. They make angry gestures.

And Kabita says quote we had to turn on. Did you. Okey dokey. By the way isn't that like what every white guy in Florida says when he's like being interviewed by the police. I had to turn on him. It's never changed. It's the standard. It's the standard. Turn on him. Yeah. Protected my area. I mean it's just so amazing. Like you're a bunch of fucking you know European white dudes and you roll in and you're like these people don't lack them here. No. You're like yeah no they don't like you're here because you're not from there. They are from there. Constantly. I mean the white person the white man's inability to take a hint and leave unparalleled. Unparalleled. Yeah. Just constantly like why is everyone

so frustrated. All we want to do is take their elements have their wives and kill them. Well and when we say turned on them I mean they're these are conquistadors. I mean they're cutting off noses. They're like you know fucked up brutal terrible people. So on the journey the tension between Narveys and Kabita grows worse. Kabita wants to stick to the coast. And keep an eye on the ship. That seems very smart. The more they walk inland the more he thought he was right. Yeah. And then a couple dudes come over to his side. There's a friar and another Roy the appointee are like I think Kabita might be right. We might be doing the wrong thing. And then now there's three of them and they're employing Narveys

to send scouts to the coast and see if it's doable. They can walk over that way. And so Narveys finally gives in but he puts Kabita in charge of the party of 40 men to go scout. They walk and to get there they have to cross oyster reefs that are just cutting up their feet. It's amazing that I've never heard of the oysters on offense. A first normally they're just there to be like no please don't eat. But now they're like get them boys. Got them got them with your shells. Do what you can. Now in the end after the whole trip to the coast it was just a pointless excursion. There's no ships. They don't know what to do. So they come back and they meet back up and then they keep heading to Appalachia. Okay. So in Ming

June they see it. They finally whatever they come over a hill whatever it is and they see the village the community of Appalachia and they fucking cheer like they're just screaming cheering. They think well this is gold. This is where all the gold is and there's tons of food. It's a huge community. It's definitely the largest in this area. Okay. They live right near a lot of fertile land just outside of what now is the Tallahassee Red Hills. Tons of tons of maze. Okay. Just for my there's literally maze for my maze for days. That's what they would say. Maze for days bro. And our base ordered Kabeeta to attack Appalachia was 60 minutes. It's just I'm amazed. I can't can't we ever just be like let's talk to him

for a second. Let's just see what they're like. Can we. So he does and they roll in and they get there and it's just women and children. There's no men in Appalachia and because the men I don't know what the men were out doing hunting or whatever they were doing. Right. But then the men come back and they immediately start shooting arrows at all these dudes in their village. They only killed one horse and then they had to retreat because the Spanish have much better weapons. I mean they have cross bows. Right. The Spaniards keep the women and children hostage. And so it's just it's a standoff. And then two days later they trade the hostages

for the village chief. This is human trading is so weird. So it's like weird. So so when fantasy colonization. I'll give you all the women and children for one of your chief. I'm not an idiot. I'm not making that trade. So while they have the chief they start they start using gorilla attacks to try to attack the because I guess they're like look it's just it's not the women and kids it's just the chief. So he would understand if they killed him or whatever. So they manage to set the houses on fire that the the Spanish are staying in could be the quote the Indians made war on us continually wounding the people and the horses as we went to fetch water shooting

arrows at us from the safety of the lagoons where we could not retaliate. So they stay there for they they are basically take over this village they're there for twenty six days. Okay. But there's no gold. I mean they search for gold. They're like there's no fucking gold here. And then they realize oh those guys who told us to come here were lying. Yeah. I mean good God. Why why would you think anything else crazy. You fucking came in you captured their dudes and then you're like hey where's hey friend where's the gold. It's that way. Great friend. Thank you so much. Sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I don't mean to be such a dick. So the first time someone has to bring that up though

it's got to be like you've got to be thinking it like if you're one of the guys in charge you've got to be thinking it a little bit for someone to just be like you have to mean maybe they think maybe those guys were lying to us. No no those guys know I wouldn't know no I trusted those guys. I wouldn't take us all this way if I felt those guys have been lying. Okay. What a what a guy lied to you if you cut off his ears. No of course I mean would he lie. I trusted him. Maybe he couldn't hear me because I'd cut his ears off. That's the only thing I can think explains this away. So they basically realize they had left the ships for nothing at this point. They're like oh that was just a total fuck up. So they're

no longer thinking about getting rich now. The idea of gold is out of their mind because now they're just thinking oh my god are we going to leave. Yes they've really overstepped they've overplayed their hand tremendously. Oh in the most spectacular. Because also in their head like getting here is where they're going to resupply up and like a lot of these other things right. So even if they just retreat from this place it's not like I mean things are still terribly fucked. Things are still terribly fucked. I mean yeah even if they have the gold things are really really fucked. Right okay right. It's amazing how people will give their lives for an element that they can't eat or drink or survive on. Yeah

it's really yeah it's just fucking crazy. So the chief the right they still have them so he tells them more lies. He says go south. Go south my friends. I love you guys. I love you. Listen to me. Despite what you've done to this area of mine I have to say I really get a good vibe from you guys and I want to help. So listen to me. The place you're after exists it's just a little further away from here. Really. Yes yes and I root for your success. I am I am hoping that you guys look we got off we got off on a you know strange first couple of days I'll admit that. Yeah I mean that was your fault but yeah completely on me but but the idea that you know you took all the women and the children and you made

a smart trade for me. I mean look game respects game and I really I respect you guys. So the the place you're after is so close. I would go there with you but unfortunately I have to stay here with all these idiots. Yeah but you are heroes. Don't forget that you're heroes. Now go go boys. Find what you're after. Find what you're after for some of us can't some of us are trapped here in goldless societies. I love it. Let's get out of here guys. Go guys. Go guys. Great. Go. Fucking idiots. Hey man why are you laughing. This is what are you left. I am. I. What was the question. I just wonder why you laugh like. Yes. Yeah why was I laughing maniacal. I heard a great anecdote. You ever heard about the one who

gets the horse dick cut in his heart. The horse dick. Yeah he's got cut in his heart. You ever heard that one. No. I won't bore you with the details but basically it ends with that's not my whole heart. That's a horse cock inside. All right you go ahead. Tell the others when you catch up to him. Go now fast too. I really really got a good feeling about this group. I really do. I really really do. So the chief says it's nine days to the coast and then along the way and especially when you get to the coast there is just tons of corn and beans. Honestly don't make sure you got stopped by the area with the hot plates at the beginning and you're just going to kind of be filling your plate the whole walk

the rest of the way up there. We call it a buffet. I don't know if you have a white man term for it but it's a buffet to us. So after two days they hit the swamps and it's almost impassable. Do you guys see any of that corn? Once they hit the swamps and they can barely walk that's when native native people start ambushing them and trying to kill. No excuse me. The chief has given us clearance. Excuse me. The chief okayed this trip. We're just looking for some beans and corn right now. So they keep, dudes keep getting wounded by arrows. I don't think anybody dies but they're just totally fucked. So they reach the village, the otts village and they find out that the chief had actually been

lying to them. I swear to God I don't think we should ask these strangers any questions anymore. I think they shoot us not straight. I got it. Can I say something though? I said this before. I said if we cut off a part of a guy like a nose or ears or a finger. Yes then he's bound to tell us the truth. I agree. I think it's the opposite. I think it's, keep interrupting me. But I really think it's the opposite. I think if you cut off a part of a guy he's not going to tell you. And he's willing to tell you the information. Yeah exactly. I think that's what we're all sort of saying the same thing. We're all sort of saying the same thing. We've trusted this information for these people and we've

done it. We keep doing it. We keep doing it. It's not working. Cutting off parts of guys and asking them where to go. Exactly. And then they're telling us where. And we're going there. So my guess is these people are stupid. And they don't know. Because in earnest they're trying to tell us where to go. There's no, I mean I took off that. You saw that. I took off that guy's nose and asked him. Yeah. No I saw that. That was when I was like well we can't ask that guy anything now. Yeah. I know. I know. Yeah. But then he got it. But that got us close to here. And so. What's here? Exactly. Yeah. Nobody's saying there's great stuff here. I'm just saying the tactics are shrewd and smart. And we all are echoing

that. And then we're here and we're sort of going how did we end up here? And I don't have the answer. I mean I don't know what else to do. Maybe I should have cut his dick off. I don't know how to communicate with these people. They're different. They're just not like us. You cut off a guy's ear. Obviously he's going to tell you where to go. I think the problem maybe to what you're saying Greg, we didn't cut off enough of the guy. We should have cut out a bunch more of the guy and then he would have felt more inclined to tell us. So when we go back let's really cut these guys up. Great. Great. Great. Good talk. Let's get our hands in. OK. Just mine's fine. And we're off. All right. Yes. So it turns

out that the the odds for some reason someone had told them that the Spanish were coming. So they burned down their village and they took everything and they left. OK. So now they're out now they're near the coast and then the Spanish start getting sick. OK. Either typhus or typhoid. Sure. A third of them become ill including Narvés. The sick can't even move. That's how sick they are. About 40 die. So they're now down to about 250 men. And then there's still a little ways to go to the shore so they keep going and then they get there. And now they're in their mind. They're thinking you're going to go see open ocean when we get to the coast. But they get there and they're a barrier islands. OK. Well

which is OK. So that means ships can't get to them even. Oh OK. So they are. I mean they're essentially like landlocked. Yeah. So the ships couldn't even see them if they were out there. It's just a shit. It's just a shitty situation. Right. And then and then the the water is like waist deep. Right. At the moment. OK. So they had been away for those ships at this point for four months. Wow. And they've not had good news at any point. Like there's everything's been disappointing. Oh everything is every time they've stopped at a port of call. It's been bad. Also it's been terrible. I don't know if you know this Dave but they ships could get to them. There's a tactic we're trying in the Suez Canal right now

which is called dry shipping. Have you heard about that. It's unbelievable. It's the theory that water isn't what the ships need. So it's great. Now I'm just going to read this from the book. I haven't done this before but this part. This is from the book a land so strange the epic journey of Capizodovaca by Andres or resin days. So the ships have taken off and they they go to Cuba they come back they're searching one of the vessels sailed inside of the bay where they noticed a cane was stuck in the ground and it was clearly stuck there by people. It was split at the top and there's a letter perched on the top. So they're like oh well this is a letter from Narveys right. So they spot a group of Native Americans who

are walking along the beach and call out them. They call out they're like bring excuse me the letter to the ship. You guys have a postman or what do you how do you do it. Bring us the thing chop chop now. Everyone works for us. The local dudes are like no no no you come here you come on show. Well I trust them and and they're like well what do we do. And they're like well the fucking this is clearly a letter for us. So we got to do this. So two dudes to an 18 year old named one Ortiz and an older guy who we don't know his name they get in a rowboat they make way to the beach and then the Indians Native Americans immediately grab them. And the older guy is killed in the ensuing scuffle. One Ortiz is taken hostage. You imagine

watching from the other ship. Yeah you're on the ship. You're like wait wait they said come over boy. So what had happened was is this this the cane in the ground with the letter it was a trap laid out by the the fucking local dudes worked pretty well. So what had happened was is that when the vase had and his men had come through they had abused the Indians like we were talking about and they cut off the nose of a lord named Hira Higua and he was not happy about that because he didn't have a fucking nose anymore and then when he saw the ship in the water he was like let's put a fucking letter out there. We're going to kill a couple of these dudes. I can't but can you imagine your letter plan working

so well. Listen to this though one Ortiz was kept by that tribe for 11 years before he was rescued by another Spanish expedition and the entire 11 years was fucking hell. They would on feast days they would force him to run from sunrise to sunset around their plaza. Whenever he slowed down they shot arrows at him. They tied him over a fire and released him only after he'd been badly burned. Another person wrote he quote had wished to die because he was forced to carry wood and water all the time was given little food or sleep. Every day he was cruelly beaten with sticks slapped in the face or whipped and was subjected to other torments especially during their days of celebration. So he was just fucking brutalized

for 11 years and you know what you know fuck off because you you know you came here and you cut off people's noses and shit took their land so whatever. But he he was probably like wait I didn't know we did all that stuff. I wasn't there for all that. I'm not in charge. So that I mean they they the ships searched for them but never they would never find that they were just never finding them right. Okay. Just always looking for. Okay. So they make camp at this this bay with the barrier islands and they name it the Bay of Horses because every third day they kill the horse to eat. What a great testament. That's how you're supposed to do it. The Bay of Horses. There's

the Bay of Horse Meat. Yeah. Horse meat should be better. Yeah. Bay of Horse Meat. Yeah. Then they come up with a plan and they burn anything that's metal stirrups spurs crossbows to recast them as tools axes and saws mostly. Okay. Because the plan is to now build five large rafts to put all 250 men on five rafts and then head out into the Gulf of Mexico hoping that they would be found by a ship going from Cuba to Spain or wherever. Well this really has turned around. It is really really the mission is really just become get away from here now. So this is in other words the first explorers I guess who went to Florida immediately were like I wish we'd never come to Florida and that's relatable. No I get

that I was I've been in Jacksonville and I've been in Orlando. I've even been in West Palm Beach and although the manatees are pretty great. The manatees are great but you know you didn't cut off a guy's nose to get there. That's right. Or did I? Well maybe. So each raft is so they've melted all their weapons which is what they've got. So they're going to have some pretty heavy rafts too. Well yeah so each raft was going to carry 50 men and would be 33 feet across. Holy shit so these are real deal vessels. Fucking huge rafts. They have to make rope using the hair of the dead horses because they have no rope. Oh my god. Things are not good. No no it takes six weeks. Who can braid horse hair so we

can leave? That's where we're at. So they finally finished their rafts and there's only one horse left which they eat and then they load up the rafts and they climb on. It's so packed that you could barely move and the rafts are just inches above the water when everyone's in them. So any large wave just washes over the raft. So fills the raft with water. Well I don't know how they design these but the rafts are not filling with water. They are staying afloat but waves wash over them. Right. So it's almost like a flat sort of thing. Or I mean I guess if it I mean if you're making it out of wood mainly like yeah it'll just kind of you'll go underwater but then the water will sort of go through

or fall off. Right and that's what happens. So on September 22nd 1528 they head out into the water. It takes them seven days to make it to the open water in the gulf. Wow. And then they and then they sail for a month. Now they had made water bags from the horse legs. Oh my god. Anyone want another sip from a horse thigh. Oh there you go. Don't drink too much. Do we have any. Do we have any water that doesn't taste like horse inside of horse. This is all I take have some have some pony leg water. There you go. Yeah it's good. Oh fuck me pound it. There we go. That's right. All right. Now by the way who said that this wasn't going to be a good expedition. Now who wants some water for my equine leg.

So after a month they're almost out of food and water. Well they are out of water because after a month all the horse legs have rotted. So the bags and that's something you don't know one needs to hear. No you don't need to hear that. Your pitchers of horse leg water can't drink that anymore because the flesh rotted so. So they see an island and they make for it. Oh sure. And then it's a storm hits right as they get to shore and there's no water on the island. So some men start drinking seawater and that just that makes you dehydrate a lot faster and five men died pretty doesn't drive you crazy. There's so many stories of like people who are lost at sea and then they're like I'll drink a little

seawater and then I'll figure it out. And they're like don't you understand America's underneath the ocean. You're like top top top top top top top top top top top top. Even with the storm at full strength they still are like we got to get up this island so they get on the rafts. Also wait. Sorry. Very quickly. There's a storm. You don't need to drink seawater. Collect. Okay that's a really good point. Collect. You've got some sort of collection system or just open your fucking mouth. Yeah you could open your mouth. So again the waves are just washing over them as they go out but they they make it out into the water. And it's a storm for the whole the whole night and the next day near the

coast they get they had guess they had to the coast of another island and a bunch of locals come out on canoes and they wave them over and they the rafts follow them to a village on the shore and then this tribe they give them fish and they give them water and then that night they as the Spaniards are sleeping they attack. I mean it's really you know that's that's how you do it. I mean do you're like I just really had no clue. They were so hospitable. Three of the Spaniards are killed. There were three separate waves of attack. Now they didn't have like the same weapons that the Spaniards had had. So there's no there's hardly any arrows that they have. They're mostly just throwing rocks at each other and and the Spaniards

are just too weak to fight like they can't fight at all. A bunch of them are wounded. Cabeza Devaca is cut on his face and then they get back on the rafts and they get the hell out of there. They sail for three days until they're out of water and then they head back to shore and as they do a canoe comes and meets them. Wait they head back to the shore. They head back to the shore where they just were where they just got attacked. It's a new place new new place new place new native coming out on a canoe. Yeah. So we don't want dinner. No dinner. We're not interested in supper. We don't eat. We don't eat water either. How many are in your party. It's a big banquet table you're gonna need. The cute one canoe

comes out and there's a couple guys in it. And Nevezas he goes to you guys have any water and the locals say I guess they had pots from the last group that that brought them waters. They had pots now. Okay. The locals were like hey we'll bring you water. Just give us the pots and we'll fill them up. Sorry. Listen. Just to be fair we've been burned a bit on our expedition with the trust us philosophy. We know we're not going to take your ears and nose friend but we've learned to not two part two tiered plans are not something we're in love with anymore. Yeah we can show us where the water is. We'd love to be shown where the water is. It'll be great. But the pots are super super into the pot. We're not into

an A to B sort of thing. We're really deep A to B sort of scene. We're really more of a very just very straightforward. Here it is. Okay. Okay. So I hear you and I guess my response is just give us the pot. Give them the pots guys get the pots get the pots together. Yep. Thank you guys. Thanks for understanding. So they negotiate with this tribe for a while and finally a Greek Christian who is with the Spanish volunteers to go and says I'll go with the water and I'll bring one of the slaves with me. So that slave is probably like what no. Yeah. And then two of the two of the Native Americans are going to stay with the Spanish until the water comes back. So it's a swap. It's an interest. It's it's

they've learned it's a better negotiation than the previous one still doesn't make a ton of sense. No. So the they all they do that and then the locals come back that night in a canoe and they don't have any water with them and this the Greek guy and the slave are not with them. And then they yell to their two friends who were part of the swap. They say jump in the water and swim away. Okay. So the Spanish like I don't know what what are we doing. And then and then I guess they managed to hold on to the two hostages they have and the next morning a lot more canoes come out. Oh good. Oh great. I think they're bringing us water. They don't have water and they're like give us our two boys back we

want our boys. And Narves says we'll give us back our guys which they couldn't do because they'd already killed them. I mean as soon as they got him on shore they just fucking Jesus. But they don't tell Narves that just canoes start surrounding them. And then the Spanish are like retreat get the fuck out of here. And they just start they start heading back out into the ocean which is back because they don't have any water or food. Well now they also don't have anywhere to put the water if they do get the water. So right. So they it's what they say. Yes. And they're a day later. So they're like it's solid. So it's not great. Time is not your friend. So they keep going and they get to the open sea and

then they keep going down the coast and then then they come to the Mississippi River. Okay. So they can drink like crazy. Right. Right. This water. They're drinking like fish. But they still have to get across the Mississippi. Right. And doing so all the rafts get pushed out to sea for two days. They there's nothing they can paddle against. That torrent of water is just insane. And so they're pushed out to sea for two days. The rafts become separated two are in one group three or another. Kibitha is like in the three rafts with their base. And he says we should go to the two rafts and their base is like no quote because the raft was very far out to sea and he wished to return to land. So he's like I'm not going

with those fucking guys. I want to get back to shore. Yeah. He's I mean he's always been selfish but now it's just very much like. Yeah. I don't give a shit. He's true colors. And other dudes in his raft are like we don't have any water. We're going to shore. So his raft is also lighter and he has the strongest and healthiest man. So he's picking the healthiest strongest right. So he's heading to shore. Kibitha starts trying to go with him but his guys can't keep up because they're not in as good a shape. And he says hey can you throw us a rope. Yeah. Drag us and help tow us and we'll and we'll and their base is like no we're not going to. No we've never seen you before. I don't know who you are. So get away

from my raft. And so Kibitha says look if you don't do that we're going to be separated. What are your orders. And everybody says quote it was no longer time for some men to rule over others but that each one should do whatever seemed best to save his life. Just such a prick. Yeah. So I'm not really a captain. I was never charged every man for themselves. Thank you. So he's essentially doing that. He's abandoned command of all of our of all four rafts. So Kibitha orders his men to sail to the third raft which they can still see. So right. There's two that they can't see anymore. And now there's the other one. So Nerves goes towards the shore. He Kibitha goes towards the other raft and they meet

up and they sail together for four more days. OK. And then a storm hits and those two get separated. And after day Kibitha's raft is full of starting men and they're being pounded by these waves. They're on the brink of death and they spot land. It's about three miles away. At this point only like a handful of men can still row. The rest of them can't do anything. And so as they get closer to the shore they can't stop. It's just the. They can't. There's not enough dudes to slow and stop the raft down. So it it goes into the wave break and just and just breaks apart and hits the beach. So their raft is no more. So they're their raft completely shatters but they're

on land. Yes they're in what is now Texas. OK. So the raft that sailed the furthest landed near a tribe known as the Kamonais. And they immediately attacked. So this is not Kibitha's raft and they immediately attacked them. OK. The Spaniards. They're so weak they can't defend themselves and they're all killed. OK. No one survived. OK. So that wrapped us out. All right. Two other rafts managed to meet up. One one was Narvez's crew and Narvez is worried about being attacked by locals. So he sleeps on his raft and has all the men sleep on the shore. You sleep there. Be comfy. I'll do the water thing. That's not as fun. But then that night the wind picked up and Narvez was blown out to sea and never seen

it. Whoa. Man. Can you imagine waking up to a Viking funeral and it's yours. No. Yeah. Now he's just got a Joe versus the volcano it. OK. I mean there's there's no food or water on the raft and and he can't control it because it's just over. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's like someone throwing you into the sun. You're like well that's it. So the other the rest of those two groups they march south. It's really cold. This is 15 20s and this is before global warming and it's it's fucking cold. So they they decide to stop and camp for the winter but they don't have a lot of food. So they start dying and then they start eating each other. A local dude stumbled across the last alive guy eating

a dead guy. Are you hungry. I'm going to do it. Hey buddy. Hey buddy. But hold on. Let me just say this. If you have access to non human food you have nothing to worry about. This is not by choice. I would not. And first of all I didn't eat all these men a bunch of us did. I'm just the last man eating. I'm still alive. He's eating my foot. Well all right. I'll be totally frank. Jason survived. But it's OK. But we're in the process of I mean I I don't have to finish him. Like if you have food shut up right now dude. I'm trying to handle it. It's bad. It's bad. It's fine. It's fine. I I ate his butt mainly. That's fine. You're going to be fine. Yeah. I mainly ate the bad part. Well I didn't want

to hurt him. And it's such a juicy little area that I thought that it would be you have a big butt. You have to admit you have to sit on my face. Well that I mean if what a luxury to have that problem I just assumed you were going to die. Here you are complaining about sitting on your face. Would you rather I eat in your face so you could still sit on your butt. Exactly. Anyway sir thank you for stumbling upon us. Things here are pretty fine. I've only eaten nine pals. What's your name and what do you do. Oh well that's fine. That's what I figured you did. That's what everyone does. So Cabitha's raft landed on what was probably Galveston or the island south of Galveston. OK. Now they're like I said they're super super

weak. They build fires. They still have a little bit of corn left that they roast and then a hundred local dudes armed show up and surround them. Hi. Now only about six of Cabitha's crew could stand up. OK. These people are either the Kopokis or the Ham. So but they're they're two different sort of tribes from the same people. OK. Each tribe has around 400 or 500 dudes. Sorry people. Not just dudes. What's up dudes. What are you guys doing. The land is ours man. So we're just kind of trying to figure out like what your deal is. Obviously you've been eating human. That's kind of sketch kind of sketch. We were kind of hoping that you wouldn't all be dudes like but you guys are all dudes too. We're dudes. Yeah. All of

us are. Yeah. We are from now. We're hoping you wouldn't. Yeah. We're hoping you'd be some ladies or whatever. Just kids. I don't anything but just dudes. You know what I mean. And not only are there a lot of things bachelor pad day bachelor life. We're the we're the batches. We're we've decided to like kind of live independent. Don't need women. Not opposed to women but like definitely not bringing them into the fold. You know. Mainly our days are spent doing stuff we like. You know. Coming up with handshakes brandish those hair shit like that. Like figuring out cool new moves. But yeah. So it's just kind of like super sketch to catch you guys here. So guess what we're sort of saying. No man we're just laying

around. We're just laying around. Another sketch passing through man. She did. Passing through a little sketch. He did. We don't want we don't want to fight. We don't want to trouble man. We know it's your beach. I know like we're not we're not here to surf like those are your that's your fucking spot. Those are your waves. OK. We're just passing through it. You know that like it'd be super after if you guys were trying to surf our waves and like steal our thunder like dude. I'm just saying. It's your break. It's your fucking break dude. I'm we are not here to surf. Right. We got no boards. Nobody's got a board here. OK. Jeff has a board but Jeff but Jeff Jeff. Surfing that Jeff there is

no no no no no no fuck. All right. Six six six suck. OK. Well keep your fucking nose clean over here. OK. I'm not looking for any more drama. Dead. Serious. Yeah. I hear I hear all D dot it. I get it. I get it. I'm totally with you on that. I. All right. Let's just vibe man. Let's just fucking vibe. No we're leaving dead. We're gonna leave you. All right dudes. Let's turn around. All right man. Get out of here. Sack. Sack. Sack. Sack. That's their call. Sack. So the the pope the copokes and the Hans are pretty primitive and nomadic even for this time period. Like there's they're pretty OK. Not advanced. So they come forward and they give out bells and beads and and they give two arrows which is a sign of friendship.

And then they come back the next morning with food. Fish and some roots. We don't eat. It's like you've got to be so wary of everything. No food. Thanks. We're good. No no we couldn't possibly eat. And then the next afternoon they come back and they give more food and then and then the next time they bring a meal there's women and children and the Spanish look so fucking horrible and different that everyone apparently wants to get a look at them. They're like look there's a really crazy. There's a group of fucking weirdos on our Hello. Hello. Oh look your children. Hey. You ever seen a lower intestines in some hands. Look at that. It's like rope. Well these are the first Europeans they've ever seen. I tell

you everyone in Europe looks really bad. They're terrible. This is terrible. Everyone's bleeding. So many sores. So this goes on for days. Like people checking them out bringing them food. But the Spayers were gained strength and they decide that they're going to continue on to Panuco. OK. Now one of the group one of the two groups had a raft so they they dragged that raft into the water and a bunch of them have died this point. So I assume they're all going to fit on it. Sure. Good news. They take off their clothes to keep them dry and they wait in the water to push the raft. But as soon as they get on a wave hits quote since we were naked and the cold was very great we dropped the oars from our hands. Oh God.

So just a group of nude men one wave and they drop everything they need to survive because they're nude because someone was just like when we get to Spain we don't want to have damp clothes. Another wave hits the raft of returns. Three men are trapped underneath it and they drown. The others barely make it back to shore. Now they've lost now they've lost everything. They have no possessions and they're naked. See and this is how naked and afraid starts and it's why it's such a good show. Now you got to do twenty one days. This is when the other day. Hey bros we said we said be cool and now you're on our beach just fucking naked. And so we ruined the raft and lost our clothes too. What do you guys

have for that. Quote it was November and the cold is very great and we were so thin that with little difficulty our bones could be counted and we appeared like the very image of death. So we know we know from records that the years 1527 to 1529 are super cold in Texas. Again this is before climate change. So the locals come back at sunset with food and they cannot believe what they're fucking looking at. Right. The dudes they left are now all naked. Fucking laying around. Don't worry some have been lost. Have you heard of an orgy. That's where you lose all of your oars. Right. Could be some ran after it. So they start to bail because they come and see them all naked and they're like fuck this

and they all start to leave and could be the runs after them and explains what happened using sign language or whatever you can. Big wave. Hit us and our clothes went all over the sea. The friends dead dead friends. So the locals come back and quote and with the great grief and pity they felt on seeing us in such a state they all began to weep loudly and so sincerely that they could be heard a great distance away. So these dudes are such a fucking mess that these these native people are now just crying looking at them like not make you feel good. You'd be like no please don't cry at my existence. That's not helping morale around this group at all. Just the worst. Not that bad. We are still

human. Still human. Are you. Are you. Okay. Stop. Fucking night. Look I'm just. Clothes you could give us just we lost our we decided to truth be told we decided it would be a nude mission and so we started it. We started it naked because the whole thing was we were just thinking about how great it would be to have clean clothes and gosh I just wish we we should have just worn our clothes. It's just such a weird thing to just do this all naked. It just makes it all weirder. Okay. Don't cry. Here. Look look at this. Look. I can pull this rib far out like a magic trick. Look at that. Look. My chest looks like a xylophone. That cool. It's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. Did you know how many bones

were around your groin. Look at that. There's nothing here. Yeah. If you're gonna throw up. Do it in my mouth. Do it in my mouth. Do it in my mouth. Do it in my mouth. Oh sweet sweet baby bird. Oh life returns. Gosh I must have just put on an ounce. Look you can see my abs. That we just lost so many listeners. People like all right I'm turning. Finally got real weird real fast. So that was the end of that one. So could be as though is like you guys have to take us to your homes or we're gonna fucking die out here. Okay. And the the locals are like okay we'll do that except six or five five. I think it was five Spaniards refused. I will not. They're like I'm not going because they've heard about

the Aztecs and cannibalism. But you're dead. I mean it's over. Yeah you're dead. You're dead. Well who cares. Let him eat you. Why not. Why not encourage that. When I die eat me. So they leave five there and what they do to get them to get them to their village without them dying. They build like four or five bonfires along the way and they pick them up and carry them to the bonfire and put them down and then carry them to the next bonfire. It's almost like charging stations. Yes. Okay. Yes to keep these fuckers alive. And then the five Christians stay on the beach once at the village the Islanders dance and start a celebration right which is pretty custom. If there's if there's you know people

that aren't from your village that come in your village there's always always seems to be some sort of celebration. Right. Well. Cabitha for us this is what Cabitha says. For us there was neither rejoicing nor sleep as we were awaiting the moment when they would sacrifice it. So you're just like oh well they're celebrating so that's not a good sign at all. And they're just look they're just Christian assholes. Right. They just literally think anybody who's not Christian is a monster. But also it's like if you you know even when you hear like so many of the actions of people who are already on this land is reactionary. You know it's like reading. I mean essentially

you're just reading the room and you have these I mean Spaniards or white people or whatever anyone who comes to you is just the biggest dickhead. So you know it's not like it's reactionary. I mean you're you're like yeah you know what are you going to do. But the locals are super fucking generous. And even though you know they have a small winter supply of food and they're sharing it with these these Europeans. The next day could be the spot on an Islander and he's got a couple of European objects and he's like well where the fuck did those came from. And the dudes like oh I got them from the other white dudes that are on the other part of the island and he's like what. And it turns

out at that moment those other white dudes were headed their way. And it turns out to be the survivors of Captain Andre Durantus and Castillo's raft. Wow. So there's another raft of dudes who who are from the mission on the same island. Yeah. They haven't seen them since the Mississippi River calamity. Right. How did that end up for you guys. Well that is one strong ass current. Sweet God it'll take you. Now they still have their raft. OK. Which they had tried to get on a couple days later and then which also broke up in the way. All right guys get the clothes off. We know how to do this. Knude it up. Knude. So. So they decide the best thing to do is to take the four healthiest dudes

who are in the best shape and and put get them on foot and and tell them to go find Panuco and then send people back to help. Those guys are never seen again. They all die. No one ever heard. They're they're not. Good. As I said the winter is super super harsh. It's it's even harsh. It's harsh for the locals. Right. They're they dig up roots. They eat fish but they're it's so cold they can't dig roots. Fishing is almost impossible. And then the way their houses are built they don't really protect from the weather. So it's just freezing. They don't have any food. So Spaniards just start dying. It's great if you're one of the Spaniards like we're finally at a village. It doesn't seem like

they have a lot of food. Their homes aren't warm. Fuck. What is this? It's a barrage. In short time of us 80 men who arrived there from both rafts only 15 remain alive. So that's a lot of dudes. You lost 65 dudes. Yeah. The five guys who stay on the beach because they're worried about cannibalism ended up starving and eating each other. Right. Well at least we're at least we're doing it to each other. But not having some native just not know how good it is to eat Andy. Yeah. I'm just happy that you're going to eat me instead of some really bad guy. I'm glad it's a Christian. All right. Stop. Stop talking. I'm gonna I'm gonna eat your mouth first because it won't stop moving. I know. Hold on. Let me just

get them. Eat a piece of your cheek about the manatee who found a bikini. You are falling off the bone. You are good. All right. Okay. I ate him quiet. A little bit. So annoying. I went I hate I hate eating living things. It's really weird especially when it's Andy. And I guess someone found the last guy could be the quote only one remained because he was alone and had no one to eat him. And so fat. So the Islanders find these dudes have eaten each other and they're like what the fuck Europeans what the fuck we thought we thought you were going to eat. We were the whole thing was we were going to we don't want to eat people. And so this sort of begins the turning of the cup cup folks in the Hans

they've been super generous. But they're also now like well there's fucking 15 of you and we gave you all our food in the wintertime and now and you eat people and now also like it's time for you to pull your fucking weight. Yeah. Which isn't much but the Europeans they can't right because they're dying. You know these are all these are all fancy dudes. Oh even better. These are worker right. So they can't do men's the quote men's work. So they give them the jobs that women do digging roots carrying firewood getting water. The Spanish become basically slaves. OK. And then the situation became even worse when the locals started dying from a bowel illness. Now this could have been because there were 65 dead

dudes laying around. Maybe. I mean I don't know. That seems healthy. But half of the locals died. Wow. And they blame they blame the Europeans. They're like what the fuck did you guys do. Could be the quote and taking this to be very true. The Indians agreed among themselves to kill those of us who remained as they were about to slaughter them. One of the local dudes stood up and was like no you're not going to kill them. And he said if they caused the illness why would they kill their own kind. And whoever he was his opinion carried a lot of weight and they decided not to kill the Spaniards. Wow. Wow. But they remain on the island as slaves instead. We'll just make their lives hell. There. The work

was not hard. It wasn't too demanding but it was endless. Capita's fingers bled all the time from digging roots. So his fingers are constantly raw and bleeding. He was forced to go naked through thickets of cat tails and other plants. Island kids would mock the Christians all the time just every day. That's fun. Yeah. Capita quote any child would give them a good hair pulling. And for them this was great fun. The greatest pleasure in the world. So they're just taunting and fucking with these European dudes. I mean yeah but like you know I mean yeah it's just look sorry. If you're I mean if that's your if that's what your plan is then chick yeah it's come back. And you're also remember they're useless

they're not pulling their fucking weight. And the adults started beating them. It would be like telling members of a country club to clean it. We don't the staff will clean it. Well they're not or what am I missing I guess is the problem. They'd also pull out their beard if they didn't comply. So they're really they're being treated badly but they're also you know dead fucking weight. And they've also been bad locals. Yeah the locals have given food they've saved their lives and in turn a bunch of died and then killed a bunch of their own like it's not a good cut off noses. Even minor infractions started resulting in severe punishment. Three Spaniards were killed quote for only for daring to go from

one house to another. So they're over. They're completely over them like they they want they went to the wrong house. Right. Right. They're basically could be said they're basically being tolerated like dogs and could stick around as long as they're somewhat useful. But the spring of 1529 after the first brutal winter there's like I said 15 Spaniards alive they were spread amongst the Capocs and Hans all the Spaniards and Cabizas group died. So the whatever family or group he's with amongst these four or 500 people that's it he's the only Spaniard left and he also moved far away. So he's sort of isolated and then he hears that 12 others decided to leave and head to Panuco and we're already gone. So she's just

like wait what. So he's yes. He's alone Spaniard because because he was isolated with this separate group. Everyone else was like let's get the fuck out here and they all bailed in the fall of 29 his group traveled back to the larger tribe and could be the found out. Two Spaniards had not gone because they've been too weak to travel. So he's not completely alone. There's two dying friends. He has Lopez de Avido and Geronimo de Aranés. So the tribe is at war and they need a neutral to make deals while they're at war and Cabizas the perfect guy. So now he all of a sudden has his different job and he starts traveling all over making trade deals and he's going as far as 120 miles and he does this for two

years. So now he's got sort of this autonomy in a way he's not enslaved. He can go where he wants. He can trade with these different groups. He's being treated well because all the tribes know he's needed. Right. Geronimo de Aranés dies and then Cabizas starts talking to Lopez de Avido and he's like we got escaped it and Avido is like I've been here a while and I don't know how to swim. I can't tell you how many of these these people did not the Spaniards did not know how to fucking swim and I'll never get over it because you're getting on a fucking boat and you're going across the ocean. You're going to be around water all the time. And the reason I know that is because you're on a fucking boat.

Learn how to swim. Yeah. For sure. It should be a thing. So he doesn't want to he doesn't want to travel because I can't get across a river. Right. Geez. After three years he comes around. Oh my God. You know I've been thinking about it a little bit. Let's try. Can I just say. Yeah. Can I just say one thing before we do. Just go fuck you. Fuck you. Just so fucking hard. Go fuck yourself. You fucking piece of shit. You know what. I cannot you know. Come on. I'm gonna dump fucking asshole. Give me another couple of years and I'll think about it. So what are you doing in 1535. Does that roughly work for you. That seems like a great time for me. I'll try to swim by then. So they run for it and

now this is so they they need other other people to survive. So they're falling in with other groups as they. Okay. Okay. So they follow a new group of locals the convenience and they they tell Cabeza that there are three Christians around also. They're just 900 miles that way. And and they don't and they don't treat Cabeza and Aviado well. Okay. Quote they threw mud balls at us and each day placed arrows aimed at our hearts saying they wanted to kill us as they had killed our other companions. Wow. So are you like should we go back. I really do miss what we had. Well that's what that's what a veto. A veto is like I'm out of here and he goes back. Okay. No one knows what happened to that guy. He's out of the

story. No we have one guy. This is it. So they eat. I guess we call them prickly pears here but there's there's like a big area of prickly pears that a lot of the native tribes around here travel and eat when they're right. Okay. And then they also eat pecans. There's a big area of pecans. Okay. And it's huge and so they come from all over to eat those. So on a trip to eat pecans with the Kvines, Cabeza runs into Andres Durantes who's one of the other captains. Okay. They hadn't seen each other in three and a half years and he's like I got two other guys with me. So there's Castillo and Estebanico. So there's four of them. They're all slaves with these Kvines and they talk and they're like we we got to

get out of here. And so they decide that they're going to escape to Panuco together. So the pecans are like I said a big attractive. These these native people come from 90 miles away to harvest them and eat them when they're ready. And so they're like, okay, so the next harvest will get together. I think it's too late. They're worried about it being too late and the weather is going to change. We can't go understandable. You know what I would love to avoid is winter because it's just it kills you for sure. You know what I mean? So they're like we'll leave the next harvest because so many tribes come and then leave. They figure we'll we'll meet up with one that's going south and we'll hook up with them and go with

them south. In the meantime, they'll go back with their respective tribes and wait for the months that are going to pass. Now, Cabita is now and I don't know how this happened, but he's with a group name the Marames. And their food situation is not good. They're they're forced to eat anything. Spiders, ant eggs, worms, salamanders, lizards, snakes. They're even eating earth, wood, deer shit. More deer shit, friend. Thank you. Is this cooked or not? Just came out of the butt. I like it a little bit. Oh, is it fresh out of the butt? Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you. Just imagine the deer being like, Jesus Christ, these people are fucking ridiculous. Or the every time I shit, these clowns eat it. Yeah,

or they just keep they keep giving it to him like here, eat more, eat more of it. Here you go. Eat up. All right, we're going to cook the deer. I didn't think about that. It could eat the deer. Eat some more. Well, I'm full. Why do I have to keep eating this deer shit? Because we bet we bet some food on how much of this deer shit you would eat before you started to say you didn't want to eat anymore of this shit. We want we want three turkeys. Yeah, a lot. We're going to eat them right now. You could you could have some, but I'm sure you're stuffed with feces. Well, so the reason they didn't eat deer, I would assume is because they were too weak because the way that they having read this is they they

chase them down. They wore the deer out for it's for what for its feces. No, to eat it. They would chase it down and wear it out. So you're like, it takes about five months to tire a deer. I'm sure some were using bows and arrows, obviously, but they're but definitely like one or two of the groups he was with, they're like, no, they just run after them until they tire up and then they catch them. It's like, all right, good luck with that. It's just two days. Oh, cut to me just starving and going. Oh, no, no, cut to cut to me just as a deer is eating me. He really tired out fast. And you guys, you know, this is what Kermit said about what they're eating. Other things that I refrain from mentioning and

I believe assuredly that if in that land there were stones, they would eat them. So he's saying there's stuff that was so bad that's worse than spider egg spiders, ant eggs, worms, salamanders, wood and deer. There's stuff that he won't mention. And those are the things I would eat again. Now, the family he was staying with had been hit by an illness previously and they and it caused them all to go blind in one eye. Oh my God, it's called pirate. It's piratitis. You ever heard of that? Yeah, they lost. I've heard of it. Yes. So they've all lost vision in one of their eyes. A parrot has just sort of my leg is one and slowly that one of everyone's leg will wouldn't. It is just part of what's a tiny, tiny pirates

growing up to be sure. That's right. So yeah, basically, piratitis works. Well, they have pirates. Do you know what those are like parasites, but they're pirates? It's not good. Yeah, this one's pretty bad. He's fully turned. Yeah, give him a little rum. There it is. So Kibita and Durantes, in some reason, Durantes are staying with them now. They're given the job of keeping bonfires lit in the summer at night to keep the mosquitoes from the tribe. Now this area of the country has the highest, one of the highest concentrations of mosquitoes in North America. Like it is just a fucking nightmare. So their job is at night to basically be not only keep the fires lit, but they're also the front lines for the mosquitoes. Don't

worry about those fires. You're delicious. So the Mirames head back to the pecans and the prickly pears. And finally, so they're so they're there for prickly pears and pecans. So they're kind of on this, this food journey takes a while. So finally, the four Spaniards are together again. It's not as simple as that. I broke it down, but basically it was like one was far away. He lit a fire. The other one's new and it was a hole. It took like two days to find each other. Okay. Just before they make their escape, two of the Mirames get into a fistfight over a woman, which escalates and a bunch of them start fighting and they start hitting each other

with tree branches. Kepeth a quote. And with the great rage, they felt each one collected his possessions and went his own way. And we Christians were forced to part company and there was no way for us to get together until the following year. Oh my God. No. Why? Oh God. All right. I guess we'll just wait another year. It's fine. I'm just eating dear shit. It's not a big deal. I'm going to go eat wood and tear, tear shit for another year. I don't think my fingers probably won't bleed out this year either. So yeah, it's, it's all good. I like it. They're really good to me. All right. My one eye, my one eye pirate family. So I'll just go live with the family who eats

dear shit and can only see out of half their eyes from now on. And I'll meet you guys in a year. And then next year when we do this, we really should go. Let's really make a go for it. Next one. So full year goes by. Season returns. They go back to eat their prickly pears and pecans. And they meet up, they meet up again in September 1534. Imagine if they start fighting over a woman again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, you brought Julie back. I thought we did this last year, bitch. You fucking bring Julie to rubbing my face. Is that what you're doing? Oh, no.

Hey, Larry, hand me a branch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right. Next year, we do it right. Okay. Just we got to get it next year. They do it. They escape. Okay. Finally. Okay. They come up with a plan two years ago. They've been slaves for six years. Okay. And they head south toward Ponuko. Now something really interesting happens as they walk. They're known. Everybody knows who they are. And not in like, oh, there's the weird guys. They're sort of celebrities. That's those guys who we convinced eat all that deer poop. Because it turns out that during their time with the

pokes and the Hans and other groups, they sometimes helped sick Native Americans. Mostly, this was just making the sign of the cross because they don't have a lot of medical knowledge. Sure. But they make a big show of God's going to save you. They do the cross. They do the thing. And some of those people recovered. Okay. Now as they're meeting new tribes, they find out that everyone thinks they are faith healers sent by God, dear, to heal the sick. Yes, we are. And we need ham, ham, we need ham. Our mission needs ham. And Native Americans are bringing sick people to them from miles and miles away. By the way, is there a worse job to be given in the time of airborne ailments

more than like, we will bring the sickest people you've ever seen in a world where we know not what the diseases are? Great. And how long she been coughing up blood on people? That's just cool. Awesome. So they are no longer slaves, but they are essentially famous medicine, famous medicine, right? And people want their help. And we'll learn about that in part because that's when it gets what shut the fuck up. What? We just did like two hours. Because that's when it gets really fucking talking about. That's when it gets crazy. What are you talking about, dude? Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. All right. A real cliffhanger. See, when I do my cliff, when I did my two parter, we went

into the second part right after I weighed a week in between. I'm like, what's going on? I know. I'm sorry. It's fine. I know it's a lot. Goddamn. I apologize. There's a second part. Okay. Okay. Wow. Well, it's, it's really like, don't, don't build it up. Why build it up? Don't build it up. No. Well, I, you know, what's interesting is I never, I haven't done Spanish stuff, you know, as dollops. Like I don't think we've done, I mean, I don't think we've done is Spanish. It's interesting because I've always wanted to do one. And when I start digging into Florida, I get very like, oh, this is complicated. And I don't know about it. I get a little intimidated. But someone sent me this story. There are

a couple of people that sent me this. Yeah, I guess a few people have sent me this. Yeah, there's like several people who sent me this. So, but, but I just read, I just read one of these suggestions and I was like, oh, what, what in the fuck is that? And I just read the part up to what I told you. And then when I got the book, I was like, wait, what's, what's going on now? Now what's happening? What's, why is there, why is this not, how can they're medicine men? It's just quite, it really is like, that's how you do a sequel. It's just a different angle on our same characters. Yeah, it's really fucking banana. Okay. Like you can't, it's just like, how is this not taught in school? It's yeah, like I get it.

You don't want to talk, you don't want to talk about the conquering of, but like that, like if you taught this story to kids in history, they would be like, history is so fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's got, it's got everything that kids fucking love. Yeah. Kids love stories about people, you know, in the past dying and how fucking crazy it was and eating shit and whatever else. The problem is that that's going to lead you to, hey, didn't white people also come to America and do, and then you're like, but wait, it was really more of the Spanish who were known for taking over land. And Spanish, well, Spanish are considered white. I mean, they're Europeans. They're just not the white. No, they're just

not the straight up white English. They're not the white English that we think of. It's just, I feel such as a great connection to the terrible ancestors that we have. Yeah. So no, but I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited to listen to our podcast next week. Oh yeah, you should hear it. I'll sit in for it. Sit in. Yeah, I'll be here for it. I'll do it. I'll do the show. Makes sense. And again, this source book is the epic journey of a capita de vaca, a land so strange by Andres Rezendes. Okay. So part two next week, part two in our, um, yeah, what are you calling it? All the tickets will go on sale on Wednesday for the upcoming Australia show tour tour. Bye.