The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 48 - Charles Guiteau - Live w /Wil Anderson

Episode Date: January 11, 2015

Live from LA Podfest, Wil Anderson, Dave Anthony, and Gareth Reynolds examine Charles Guiteau.SOURCESTOUR DATES REDBUBBLE MERCHPATREON

When you're staying at an Airbnb you might be like me wondering could my place be an Airbnb and if it could what could it earn? You could be sitting on an Airbnb and not even know it. That in-law sweet guest house where your parents stay only part-time Airbnb it and make some money the rest of the year whether you could use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the third annual LA podcast festival let's hear it. Alright you guys know where you're at

you are at a live recording of the dollop and for those that's applause is the right response. Really well done really well done. For those of the uninitiated each week comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds pick a subject or person from history and examine it. It's informative it's hilarious so if you've ever wanted to know more about colonial teeth lobotomies purity balls and more you owe it to yourself to subscribe and listen each and every week and so with traces of Dave Anthony and a hint of Gareth Reynolds alongside their special guest Will Anderson. Ladies and gentlemen the dollop!

Oh too many rainbow heads. Any lobotomists? I don't know if this is the right movement. Oh I know what to do. This is one of those moments where Gary or Gareth. Thank you for saying both. Turns into one of the stories from the dollop. It's a matter of time. He'll just be explaining it to some guy he's like got a dumb nickname for it'll be like right Derry and the guy will be like well it's actually Darren. It'll be like no this is about my friend Gary Derry. Thank you for the Tim Tams. Martin, very kind. We enjoy those. Let's just start it okay Gary and Will. It's Gareth. If you see a pair of glasses around they're

mine. I had to go across the street to the drug store and get granted glasses. That is the 27th time in the last 20 minutes Gareth and I have heard that. It's Gary and Granny. I'm sorry that I had a tragedy. No I think we definitely we overlooked that I'm sorry. The year! Oh no no very very spicy up top which nobody's into. Was 1841. Okay. Some people have sent this in. A lot of people. This is one of the most requested stories. Charles Julius Gattu. Nothing. Do you know? Do you know it? Okay a couple people are in. How many people know what we're doing? No. Oh wow. Okay so a lot of you guys are unread monkeys. Okay. There's a

couple on stage who don't like that. I saw the original but I didn't say Gary Chuchu. Gary Chuchu. We know his name. We've heard the Gary Chuchu story. We're not idiots Dave. Charles Julius Gattu was born in September 1841 in Free Point Illinois. George Georgetown Charles. Well I put an extra word in there. His name is not Georgetown Charles. You've got to forgive Dave. He's not wearing his best glasses. First I've heard of it. Charles was the fourth child born to businessman Luther Gattu. There he is. Oh yeah. That's a selfie. It's a selfie, right? Yeah. Yeah. Very selfie. And his wife Anne. That's like you 20 years from the

future. I found my glasses. His sister Francis practically raised Charles and would become his substitute mother and primary source of moral and financial support for his most of his life. Well make note of that Francis. Yep. That feels important. The Free Port locals generally thought the whole Gattu family was odd and there was whispered gossip about insanity in the Gattu gene pool. Whispered. Don't tell them. They might be crazy. What are you talking about out there? I'm normal. Normal people don't say that. Luther was a brutal father.

Yeah. And Charles. With a name like Luther. Who would have guessed. And Charles Gattu was whipped often and received a steady stream of verbal abuse throughout his childhood. Well that's not good. Luther followed the religion of John H. Noise. Oh boy. Oh yeah. He was a noiseman. Bring the noise. Noise preached communal living. It's already not good. Right. I think he's pick up one was come on field of noise. Multiple sex partners. Partners. Sorry. I should have saved that one for after that. We'll edit it. We'll edit it. Which was fairly uncommon in the Victorian era. There's Charles. All right. I get it. Beautiful mustache. He's a fuckable son of a

bitch. Got his fingers in a lot of pies. Charles inherited a thousand dollars from his grandfather as a young man and went to Ann Arbor, Michigan in order to attend the University of Michigan. I know it's very exciting. Nothing wrong with that. But it turned out he hadn't passed the entrance exams and when he took them he failed. So you went to the University of Phoenix. Yes. By the way I'm in Australia and that's a good American. Yeah. I mean. I've been paying attention. But I definitely recommend everybody always go to university first and then try to get in. That's the right way to do it. So Charles moved back and

began following. He wasn't allowed to go to college there because nobody told him that. Because apparently he was in a Rodney Dangerous movie. Hey I'm a movie plot. Can I come in? So he went and began following noise and traveled in 1860 to live in the Onida community. Oh. Which had a commune in New York that was the center of the noise cult. The noise cult. Yeah. Okay. But Charles was a bit of an asshole. He rubbed most members of Onida the wrong way even though the cult was all about fucking and sucking. Gatoo repelled more women than he attracted. Well. I mean if you rubbed them the wrong way. You like that. Yeah. Fuck

you guys. I don't even know. When does the genie come out. I'm bringing the noise. I'm bringing the noise. You like that on your armpit. Yeah. Your armpit horny. Yeah. He called his blowjob the silence up. Did you come yet. That's my pillow. He was there for five years and got no action. What. Wow. In a sex cult. He fucked nobody. That's like that expression. He couldn't get laid in a morgue. This sounds a little bit worse. You're like you couldn't get laid at a sex cult. Other cult members nicknamed him Charles get out. Creative devils. I mean that is terrible. That is like being at a podcast festival and somebody

going that guy's the weird one. We found the creep. There's Waldo. It was said that Charles was not good at the labor he had to do at the cult and he would get confused and make mistakes. He was also quick to anger. If he did get angry he would gesticulate wildly. Fuck it bro. I just love that kind of anger. And why wouldn't he get laid. He couldn't do chores. He was upset about it. Sounds like a real turn on. Yeah. That guy sounds hot. Other times he would just sit in a corner and not talk to anyone for long periods of time. Well this was in the day before podcast. Yeah. I was just gonna say yeah. He would just make such good

podcasts. There he is sitting in a corner. Oh wow. Who would want to fuck that. Yeah. Very fuckable. One way the cult police social behavior was through criticism. The individual who was to be criticized would sit in the middle of the room. Oh boy. And the other members would form a circle around him. Oh god. And they would just sit there and let Charles have it. Hint his nickname Soggy Biscuit. Is that an international reference? I'm not. Okay. All right. They would tell him he was arrogant and had a huge ego because even after all this Charles thought he was hot shit. Right. Charles should live in LA. Perfect. You're like oh god

here he is. Hey man. No. Yeah. I heard you booked at Jesus Christ with this guy. Do you hear I'm gonna be on Modern Family? Yeah. Yeah. Congrats man. Probably regular. They might bring me back. Who knows. They called me at my house. I know. Yeah. I don't know if I can do it. All right. I'm gonna put in my earbuds. He's a cop from my production company Noise in the Hood. Sorry. I'm sorry. Super pun. I fight it out for a bit. Welcome to Puntown. Yeah. Like I'm bringing your podcast down. He considered himself better than most of the others and had an incredibly inflated sense of self-importance. Sounds like an agreeable gentleman. Yeah. After

a while Charles decided Noise was tyrannical and oppressive. A man. So he left the cult. Right. Yeah. No. He felt like the leader of the cult was tyrannical and impressive. Not impressive. Oppressive. Who would have thought a cult leader would be like that. I know. Never heard of that. So weird. Yeah. Naturally after accusing Noise of being a tyrannical and oppressive he moved to New Jersey in 1865 and set up a newspaper that would spread the teachings of Noise. You know what? You're shit. I don't like you. So I'm gonna set up a newspaper that's about you and how awesome you are. I'll see you in hell, fuckface. That'll teach him. The cult

gave him $50 in books. They gave him $5 in books, $100 worth of clothes, $100 in cash, and a note for $800. He was rolling it. They're like, yeah, take all this. Just get the fuck out of here. Oddly not a lot of people wanted to subscribe to a sex cult newspaper. And after 14 weeks it folded. What? So Charles went back to the cult. Hey, guys! Well, I gave it a crack. Man, you guys give me a lot of money and a burn through it and I'm back. This is gonna be awesome the second time. Take two, fucking! You guys wanna fuck? You guys wanna fuck? Huh? Oh, no, not the circle! Don't make the circle! Not the circle! I wanna fuck! Come on!

Sheila, I fucked your duvet. Come on! Can we do the rubbing? The rubbing thing? Let me make rubs on you. He immediately returned his feelings of superiority over the other Commie members and tensions quickly escalated. Charles left the cult for good on November 1st, 1866. They again gave him money to get out. What is going on? Well, he's so awful and he walks in and he goes, I'm awesome! Fuck me! And they're like, no, you're horrible. And he's like, fuck you! I'm leaving! It's kind of like, it is kind of like hard breakups, right? Because at some point you do kind of go back to be like, oh, that's right, that's right, this was not a good

situation. That makes sense. Yeah, so he gave it like the second run. Yeah, he gave it a second, there's nothing wrong with that, going back trying it again. No, give it a shot for the kids. For the kids. For the kids, Will. Are you still upset about Puntown? Yeah, I'm hurt by it. Oh no! I've lost my confidence, man. No, I don't. I just get it. I feel like this dude the first time he left noise. I just, I feel like I've been, the audience got in a circle around me. No. They all judge me, oh no. Fuck you guys, I'm going to start a newspaper about how much I love podcasts. All right, somebody suck his dick! Before he makes a newspaper about how great this is. Wait, what? Let him do it, or? Charles then... Oh, that's noise again. Oh, wow. Oh yeah, right. He doesn't look like a prick. You know what, though? Honestly, though, like, eight of those photos, I know that everyone's like,

oh, no one would fuck him. But, like, he's, like, fuckable. Do you know what I mean? Like, he's not... He's very fuckable. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he looks like a young Abraham Lincoln. Right. I mean, I guess they all do, but still, he's fuckable. He's definitely fuckable. His eyes are very like, hey, how are you? How's your vagina? There's got to be someone in Portland who would find that hot. Oh yeah. Oh, in Portland, he's at a farmer's market, like, do you have any ripe avocados? Down there? Okay, great. So noise, so Charles left and said about being a shady businessman. He would sneak out of his lodgings in the dead of night without paying his bills. He had some short stays in jail and was always moving around to keep a step ahead of his growing number of creditors. Things are good. Right? Yeah. Charles also tried to sue noise for what he felt was owed him for all the work he had done doing his residency. Well, why didn't he just make a newspaper? No more newspapers at this problem. After all the money they had given him, he wanted another nine grand. Which back then was a billion dollars. Noise refused to make a settlement. Charles had a signed contract when he arrived that said he would get a room and board in return for labor. Charles then considered blackmailing noise by going public with stories of rampant sex in the cult.

Noise wrote to Charles' lawyer and said Charles was never a good worker that he was moody and conceded. Then Charles admitted to stealing from previous employers as well as frequently vising prostitutes and had caught a venereal disease. It would be great if prostitutes wouldn't even fuck him. Girls, let's make the circle. Make the circle. Circle up, gals. I don't want to. That's how he went through the money. It's like I need nine thousand dollars because I need twenty prostitutes in a circle. Listen, do you know how much a horse circle costs? In this economy, you can't. Just be mean to me. Please, look at me. Make a square for fuck's sake, something. It's my birthday. God damn it. I'm going to make a newspaper about this. Noise also said that he was addicted to masturbation. I mean, to find addiction, you know what I mean? How to cover any of them. Is this a story about the guy who invented meth? Charles then wrote what he called an appeal. It described all the sex that was happening in the cult. He sent it to the attorney general in Washington. Who was probably like, what's going on?

Wait, why am I getting this? People are fucking? Am I supposed to get horny from cases? Right now I'm in arrest for fucking. He wrote it like a penthouse forum letter. Dear attorney general, I always thought letters to you were made up. I never thought I'd send one of these in myself, but here I am. Has this happened to any of your other readers? I was in a circle. The appeal described all the sex that was happening in the cult. He sent it to the attorney general in Washington. To New York state officials.

Dear treasury department. And to prominent ministers and editors in New York. Ministers were like, well, I'll be in the private minister chambers for a minute. Going over some paperwork. Don't come in. Oh, good lord. You'll notice some of the pages of the letter are stuck together, but I believe that's from the adhesive of the envelope. I'm going to run. I have to go. Every Tuesday between 10 and 11, the confessional booth becomes a glory hall. Pass it on.

Don't shut up. Pass it on. Noise then threatened to press charges of extortion, and Charles gave up. He moved to Chicago. Alright. Windy city. In 1869, Charles met and married Amy Bunn. Yes. Alright.

Who worked at the Chicago YMCA. Yeah. Choice pickings for a lady. Yeah, he gets good racquetball court. Prime racquetball time. She was the YMCA librarian. Oh, alright. But he mentioned that in the song.

Nope. Not once did the cowboy alert me to a free reading facility. You said fuck a librarian. She also had an illegitimate child at 18. So he was now a daddy. Oh, cool. I mean, it is like when you're going from a cold noise, you want to hook up with a librarian because they're all about... Yeah.

I think I'm going to almost say, I need quiet. I wish there was someone in the middle. Someone just talked. Charles passed the Illinois bar exam and started. Why didn't he just show up and say I'm a lawyer? And started a legal practice. Ah, nice. This story checks out.

Obviously, they're about to move to New York City because that's what the... So they moved to New York City. Ah, who saw that coming? What a wrinkle. It turns out their five years of marriage weren't good. Charles used to lock her in a closet at night when he was mad at her. How else do you shut them up? Yeah.

Hi. If it's good for Harry Potter, it's good for her. Hello, right? Yeah. Why do closets exist? Yeah. Put a woman in. Yeah.

Put a woman in. She can look and obsess over coats. Yep. Be careful of the lion. There's something behind here. That's our Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe joke. Thank you very much, guys. And he sees us.

Louis. Aslan was Jesus. Oh, my God. We've taken it. Yeah. Hashtag spoilers. And in Christian literature. She just keeps wanting to get thrown in.

And she's like, fuck you. He's like, go in the closet. She's like, yes, finally. My real friends. In that closet. You're the only ones who get me. Charles. If they had a minor.

For the people at home, that live stream just paid for itself. You see that move? If they had a minor disagreement. Dave. How are they going to focus? My God. How good would have that looked with these real glasses? Oh, my God.

My God. Imagine. Imagine. God. That's going to keep me up at night what that would look like. So instead of locking her in the closet, if they had a minor disagreement, he would yell at her. I am your master.

You are to submit to me. That sounds like closet warning to me. So he was cool. Yeah. Cool guy. Hashtag yes or women. Couldn't believe you couldn't get. Why I stay because I was locked in a fucking closet.

That's a great joke, by the way. I know that everyone is like, we get it, but we'll laugh later in the closet. The live stream is loving it. Yeah, at home. Oh. I mean, they stop masturbating because I'm going to break that guy's record. But I am. He masturbated a lot.

Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. He even contracted syphilis from a prostitute and gave it to his wife. Here you go. This is something I've done for you. Happy birthday.

It's going to burn a lot. Now, I'm not being married, but forgive me. Is it third or fourth anniversary? Which one's silver? Yeah, silver's 25. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, but syphilis is before that. Three is an anal fissure.

That's right. Oh, really? A guy who does fissure? Hey, look at what I caught. Oh, throw it back. Oh, crabs, you got me that last year. She sued for divorce on the grounds that he had given her syphilis. Okay, yeah, sure.

The judge was like, yeah, you can get a divorce. That's all he makes sense. World's Shortest Episode of Law and Order. Right. Oh, he gave you, okay, you're good. On the next Law and Order. It turned out that Charles had purposefully had sex with a prostitute who had syphilis, so his wife would have grounds for divorce.

What? So he was like a thinking ahead guy. Like he thinks ahead. Have you ever heard of the expression, bite off your nose despite your face? That's more. They were probably like, well, she's actually off limits. She's syphilitic. He was like, I'd love to have a pop.

Brilliant. That's the one that's caught my eye. Discount, discount. Huh? How much does it cost me for 20 of them in a circle? Who's got a hot, weepy vagina? Because I got a wife and you know where this is going. Oh, yeah.

No, I don't. You do. I want to get a divorce. Why don't you ask for a divorce? I'm going to fuck you and give your dirty whole stuff to her. I didn't pay for legal advice, now spread them. Oh, divorce. Charles continued to have money problems in New York City.

Creditors began approaching his brother, John, to pay his debts. John wrote, Charles encouraging him to pay the debts. Charles wrote a big letter writer. Charles wrote a reply. That's exciting. Here we go. Find $7.00 enclosed. Stick it up your bunghole and wipe your nose with it.

And that will remind you of the estimation in which you are held by Charles J. Gato. Sign and return the enclosed receipt and I will send you the money, but not before. And that, I hope, will end our acquaintance. Acquaintance? Bro! It was great to meet you. Take care. So I shouldn't tell my brother to pay his debts, because he gets a little weird.

I love how bunghole existed back then. That's always funny to find out when, yeah. Yeah, bunghole was the shit back then. Because I remember in Titanic, at one point, Kate Winslet gives the finger and I was like, was that inventive? Yeah, that was invented long before. Bungles were discovered in the 1600s. Right.

I thought it was weird in Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio couldn't get on that door where there was clearly room. And she was like... Take it! You need a penthouse, baby! She was like, I need to stretch out. Hashtag YOLO. That seemed weird.

That seemed out of place. Hashtag bubbles. Hashtag tag. Even the fact that it was just hashtag. Yeah, I know. Can't believe it was around. Charles! Yeah.

Dan had a brief stay in jail after he tried to sneak out of his residence without paying in the middle of the night. Yeah. After, he went to live with his sister Frances and her family. You know how he got out of jail? He just snuck out in the middle of the night. I'm not paying for this. While there, he came up with an idea to have a local Chicago newspaper, to buy a local

Chicago newspaper. Here we go. He's back in the guy. Yeah. Which he would use to push politicians he believed in. He inspected a bunch of buildings to house his new paper and he looked at steam presses. Right. Okay.

I think it sounds good. Yep. It's a good plan. Sounds like an honest plan. What could go wrong? Nothing. Then he approached Charles Farwell, a rich local businessman and told him he just needed $200,000 to make it happen.

In return, he would make Farwell president of the United States of America. Farwell said, Farwell said, no. He then asked his dad to take out a loan for $25,000 and his dad said, no. It's getting sadder. Right. Then he asked his dad to reduce the debt he owed to his dad by $200 and his dad said, no. Can I have a toothpick?

Then he asked his dad to send his brother $7. Then the dad told Francis that he thought Charles was possessed by Satan. There we go. After a few months, Charles attempted to attack Francis with an axe. Oh, yeah. He was using to chop wood. He was chopping wood and she walked by and he was like, chop, chop. You're wood now.

There she is. Oh, wow. Oh, Jesus. She's a beaut. Nothing. Who wouldn't fuck that? There was no apparent reason for this spontaneous attack and Charles summoned a doctor. The doctor spoke to Charles for a while and then he went back to Francis and the doctor

said, oh, he's completely insane. Yeah, yeah. Oh, to hear that recording. And he recommended that the brother be institutionalized and Charles ran out of the home and fled. By the way, I've enjoyed being here for this moment because I think this is the first time in the history of any of the dollops that somebody has stepped in and gone, whoa, this guy's a nut back. Very true.

At last, someone has gone, no, no, no, no, no. No, he's nuts. This guy, one day people will mock him publicly on a podcast. I don't know what it is either. He loves the print. He loves print. He's just a big print fan. Charles then began a string of speaking appearances to take advantage of the many religious revival

meetings that Chris crossed the country. There we go. In the late 19th century. Here we go. Right? Now we're in it. Now this is where we're going. Right?

There's one of his programs. He spent some time as an usher learning how things worked and during the day he'd go to the library and read theology books. Then he moved from town to town, renting halls, not paying for them and giving religious talks. He left a trail of unpaid boarding houses, printers, and tailors. Just like Jesus. Yep, just like Jesus did. But he didn't seem to be all that into it.

From a newspaper article after one of his speeches. In one of his newspapers. What a riveting speech. I've done it again. I mean, he's done it again. Is there a hell? 50 deceased. 50 deceased.

50 deceived people believe that there ought to be. Charles J. Gattu, if there really is such a name, has fraud and imbecility plainly stamped on his face. After the impudent scoundrel talked for only 15 minutes, he suddenly thanked the audience for their attention and bid them good night. Before the astounded 50 recovered from their amazement, he had taken all the money and fled from the building and escaped. I'm starting to like him.

He also left behind a half a dozen bill collectors who are waiting for an interview. So he's fucking awesome. He's on the lam, yeah. He's on the lam, but he's got a great plan. No, he is. Started a speech. Ever since he's going to be there for an hour, grab it after 15 and bang. Right.

But plus, every place he goes and he doesn't collect, like he pays bill, he's collecting more bill collectors, right? So by the end of the tour, he's got like a guaranteed 80. That's true, yeah. I see some familiar faces out here tonight. That's exciting. That's exciting. I'm going to go to the John and then finish this.

Let me just grab that money. I have to take the world's biggest piss, okay? Now Charles was approaching 40 and he started to have a bit of a midlife crisis. Well, make a newspaper. That's what I say. Print your way out of this one. His father died. Oh, no.

Yeah. See? Feel bad now, don't you? Charles Life had to manage a much of anything and he thought- By the way, like he was 40, right? Yeah. And his father died. So like, his father was like, what, at least like in his 60s probably, right?

Yeah. Which back then was like a hundred years old. Oh, yeah. He led a ripe old age. It should say he's father finally died. But also, also was in the sex cult, like fucked his way out of life. Right. Like was banging everything that moved.

Yeah. He was fine. Yeah. Maybe that's the key. That's the end. That's the end. His life hadn't amounted anything and he thought he was such a great man that it should have. He decided he had just attempted the wrong occupations.

All of them. Yeah. His place was clearly in politics. Of course. That's what we were all thinking. Thank God. 1880 was an election year. Oh, wait a minute.

As a lifelong Republican, Charles sided with the stalwarts in the bitter infighting within the party. He wrote letters and speeches in support of the stalwarts plan and to put Ulysses S. Grant back in the White House. Four more, baby. So he's taken the stalwart side. Grant all the way. The stalwarts were defeated and Garfield was to be the Republican candidate.

Garfield? Garfield. James ran on the, we don't like Mondays. He ran on. He ran on. I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays.

I hate Mondays. I'm so sorry. We ruined that because we both wanted to do the same job. It was like my mouth was ejaculating. We both, we're looking at each other like we've already said this in our heads and it's so good. It's so good that we could not get it out. A vote for Odie is a vote for Satan.

It was like the three stooches go through a door. No. Because what I loved was it was almost like it was like two people trying to harmonise who've never harmonised. They will match this. It's what that scene from Back to the Future should have been like when Michael J. Fox is like watch me for the changes and they're like, you don't know how music works. No, we don't know you.

Try to keep up. No. No. Take the photo off your guitar. No. We don't know you. Like I mean, there was a big trust by them really isn't it? Because like if someone just wandered on to stage now and was like, oh no, I'm from

the future. Let me fucking handle this. Hey, it's cool. I'm from the future. Keep up. Hey, look, there's me again. Anyway. The picture of Gato starts fighting.

Oh no, I got to start a newspaper. So he wrote letters and speeches in support of Ulysses S. Grant. He's getting back in the White House. They lost. Garfield was going to be the Republican candidate. Charles quickly switched sides and began producing pro Garfield related documents. In the documents, he just substituted Charles for Grant. I mean, sorry, Garfield for Grant.

So he just took his speeches and took out Grant and put Garfield in. So without changing any biographical information. And why didn't this newspaper in his work? The attention to detail sounds good. He was basically giving Garfield credit for Grant's childhood, his decisive battles in war, and government accomplishments. I mean, it's tremendous. Charles started hanging around Republican headquarters, trying to convince those in

power to allow him to give this speech around town in support of Garfield. And they finally allowed him to give a speech in front of a dozen black people. Back then, it was a tough room. And everyone lives happily ever after. Sounds a lot like Michael J. Fox back to the Fifth Trust. Have him go talk in front of a bunch of blacks. He'll get that, right? He'll get the message, right?

No. So Garfield won the election. Charles sent him a letter. We've claimed them out just as I expected. Thank God! Charles had never met James Garfield. Charles believed that the speech he had given in August of 1980 in front of a dozen black people was the primary cause for the Republican victory.

I've done it! Thank God the black people turned out to vote! Err, wait. Wait a minute. Hold on. That's actually a fucking start, man. In the black community, you make it cool, it's all fucking straight. Yeah, and suddenly, fucking Dre selling Pete's headphones. Fucking a billion dollars.

Clinton went on Arsenio, everything changed. Right. I think we, okay. Glad we're in agreement. I think we've all agreed. Let's continue. Certainly he was approaching the great heights he was destined for, and equally certain that the Republican Party and Garfield were forever in his debt.

Charles moved to Washington. To receive what he felt and was sure would be an endless stream of honors. Well, he gave that speech in front of 12 black people. That's right. Let's go to the parade! He was thinking parades, hanging out in the White House, etc. Shockingly, he was completely ignored by the White House. Hang on.

Hello, gentlemen, I am here to... meet Charles. Him in the Oval Office, he'd be like, is this a circle? No! It's an oval. Charles decided he should be an ambassador. Like how he decided. Because that's how it works.

Well, payback. I won them an election. I get to go to be an ambassador. This is how it works. That is how it works. Garfield loves to send people to Abu Dhabi, so... To... To...

I'm sorry, did you say Benghazi? Do you want to... No, I don't want to open that can. Does that motherfucker... No, no, no. Dave, focus. Okay. Too important.

To President Garfield, he wrote. Next spring, I expect to marry the daughter of a deceased New York Republican millionaire. Strong opening. No. Did he know her? Or is this just like a fucking cool prediction? Like, he's doing the Babe Ruth pointing at the fucking, here it goes. That one!

So this might sound crazy, but here's the idea. That one! Hang on, does he still have syphilis? Oh, sure. You got to. I think we can represent the United States government at Vienna with dignity and grace. Signed charts. Yeah.

Oddly, he did not get a response. Whoa, I bet he's not going to be happy with that. Well, he sent another letter. Okay. Yeah. It's a reasonable response. I called to see you this morning, but you were engaged. To the President!

Somebody's really busy all of a sudden, aren't they? You give a speech to 12 black people the next day, you're chop-liver, huh? Okay, that's fine. Alrighty. Previously, I sent you a note touching on the Austrian mission. The current Austrian council, I understand, wishes to remain at Vienna until fall. He is a good fellow, and I do not wish to disturb him in any event. What I'm saying is don't kick him out on my behalf.

That's nice, that's nice. What do you think of me for Council General at Paris? I think I prefer Paris to Vienna, and I presume my point would be promptly confirmed. Sure. Signed lunatic. Signed goofy-goofy-bananas. Signed... Again, no response.

No response. It's probably that Garfield wanted him to go to Vienna and didn't like that he preferred Paris. Thank you. I'm sure that's what it was. Thank you. You know what the thing is actually, though. This actually makes me harken for a time when politics was more like that. Because these days, because of focus group-driven agendas, like every fucking idiot's opinion,

like some idiot in a focus group is like, I don't like that, so they put it in. And back in this day, they were like, no fuck off, mental guy. Yeah, yeah. It's good. I know, just throw each letter in the bin. Yeah. Well, you know the best, but just run on the White House lawn. That's what most lunatics do.

That's the move. Send me to Vienna! Preferably Paris, but I'm out! So, Charles started writing different government officials under the old end around. Two Secretary of State, Blaine. In January last, I wrote Garfield touching on the Austrian mission. He's talking shit. And, yeah, you're going to bring this up with him.

I think he has filed my application and is favorably inclined. Since then, I have concluded to apply for the Consul General in Paris instead. I spoke with Garfield about it, and he said your endorsement would help. So, I will talk with you about it as soon as I can get the chance. There's nothing against me. I claim to be a gentleman and a Christian. Good day. Good day, Charles.

There's nothing against me. I'm not crazy. I'm not a weirdo, if that's what you're thinking. People back in his original village are like, crazy people. I heard that! What I love is, I actually feel what it's like to be this dude, because it's like when people hit me up on Twitter and go, can you get Dave to unblock me? You know, I was talking to Dave, and he's really excited to unblock me.

So, I feel like your endorsement will really help with that con. Like I said, he wants to unblock me. I've talked to him a lot. I have no idea who you are! You said something, and I was in a weird mood. Oh, the blockings. It's so easy! There's no button that says, reconsider for two hours.

Am I sure? Oh, I'm sure. I'm 100%. Weird thing, Charles got no response from Blaine. He thought it was odd, because that speech he gave that no one listened to, he won Garfield the White House. So, he increased his letter output. So, okay.

So, we are just dealing with a complete crazy person. No, it's just a guy who's a gentleman who likes to write, who's done favors to get people elected to the White House. I don't know. I mean, but really, this is like a schizophrenic almost, right? What's going on over here? What? Granny needs a beer.

We'll get a Kickstarter. We'll do a Kickstarter for a Corona. Oh, God, the man in a kilt. I voted for you guys to break up from England. Okay. Make it three. Three it. Tell the White House I said hello.

We're not crazy. I think I heard you say something. You're crazy. That guy's crazy and I don't trust him. While in Washington, Charles found a boarding house, a respected boarding house. Okay. Thank God. There was a general Logan staying there and Charles would constantly hound him showing

up by his side whenever possible. Okay. Hey. Hey, General. How's it going? Hi. Hi, how are you? Good.

I was just sleeping. You heard anything about me? Huh? You heard anything about me around the old White House? No. Hi. All right. Am I going to turn out?

Hey, cool. Okay. Turn it out. Yep. All right. I'm going to turn it out. Yep. Okay.

Yep. Watching. Okay. No, no, no. What? No. Turn it out. Get away from me.

Hey, General. All right. Hey. Hey, General. Hey, beer. What? No, no, no. Stop.

What happened? No, that one's mine. Wow. I heard speedball. Someone yelled speedball in the other room. You're having a good time. I mean, that's a lowly podcast. That sounds like the same story.

We do serious podcasting about real issues. Bunghole. So put it in your bunghole and then wipe it on your face. As they said. No, wipe your nose with it. Wipe your nose. There was no up the bunghole and then out the nose. I think I'm allergic to currency in my ass.

Oh, no. That was the common hello in Victorian age. That's true. Yeah. Wipe your nose with your bottom. I say good day. Here's your bung-dollar. That'll be four bung-dollars.

Boy, I tell you, I remember when this used to be two bung-dollars and 50 bung-cents and it was a fucking economy. Here you go. So he moves into this boarding house. Logan's there. He's always bothering him. Here's Logan. You bother that guy?

Who would bother that guy? You know, he does look very fatherly. He does, but he's like a general. He looks like he's killed a lot of Americans. Okay. Right? That's true. And Buffalo.

When the woman running the boarding house presented Charles with his first bill, he bailed in the middle of the night. Wait. Charles? Charles? Are Charles left that place? Over a debt? Over a debt.

Well, now I've heard everything. He left a note promising payment once he got his $6,000 a year position from James Garfield, which is right around the corner. It honestly just feels like he invented the secret. Every time he's like, oh, no, it's going to be fine. I've got this imaginary job for an imaginary amount of money and I'm going to pay for everything. It's on my vision board. It's all fine.

I'm just going to pay you with five affirmations. Is that good? He really would kill it in LA. He's really hot right now. I don't know if you've heard that. He's about to be in Garfield's cabinet. When the woman running the boarding house showed General Logan the letter, Logan assured the boarding house woman that Charles was a complete lunatic.

By now, Charles was falling apart. He had no source of income. He had no books to sell. He had no family and he had no friends. Turns out he never had friends. His clothes, which were in poor shape when he arrived in Washington, were deteriorating on his body. He wandered about in the snow without boots or an overcoat. By June, his worn sleeves were pulled down over his hands and his shirt had no collar.

Now when Garfield gets him in the White House, it's going to be a real Cinderella story. Real rags to riches. This is rare. Once he reads that letter. Mate, this is like a political version of Nell. Yeah, this has Nell written all over it. More beer! Oh, shit.

Oh, man. Look at that. We got to do a lot of podcasting. You are fantastic. This is as bad as life gets. I think I drank this once. Thanks, Barkeep. Thank you so much.

The next podcast is that's going there. We might have to go straight through to my podcast. What's a podcast? Secretary of State Blaine received so many letters and messages from Charles that when one day Charles approached Blaine and told him he was the guy writing the letters, Blaine screamed, never speak to me again on the Paris consulship as long as you fucking live. So write another letter. It's just like ignoring text and eventually you have to be like stop texting.

But it's nice to know there was a time when Republicans like screamed at crazy people to get away rather than went, oh, they could vote for us. You have a three piece suit? I'll be on your morning show on Tuesday. Of course, being screamed at by Blaine because Charles to write a letter. No, no. All right. Did you just fucking Caruso that shit?

Yeah, you did. You just CSI Miami the ass out of that. CS Lewis Miami. The Lion the witch and the wardrobe. It's not the line I'm worried about or the witch. It's the wardrobe. CS Lewis Miami. CS Lewis Miami.

No more letters, Charles. No more letters. No. God damn it. He wrote. The Secretary of State is a wicked man. And you ought to demand his immediate resignation. Otherwise you and the Republican Party will come to grief.

I mean, this guy is just really sad that he did not live in the era of Internet comments. Right. No, this guy on YouTube. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But who did he write that letter? You know what this guy is?

The sound was not good on episode 132. He sends a letter to Will like, can you get Dave to start reading my letters again? Why doesn't Dave use earphones when he records the podcast? Sincerely. Fuck it. He's second. He's shit. Fuck.

But thanks for your donation. Oh, yeah, thanks for the Kickstarter though. Thank you. Charles was then forbidden from entering the White House. Now here's the thing you guys don't get. This was at a time when you could just walk up to the White House and open the door and walk in and hang out. Eat some cheese.

So he was always... If I can cheese, talk to the President's weird mouth. He was always cruising by that guy, cruising in and walking around. It's just like a regular. Yeah, I mean... It's like a reg. Nothing weird about that. The secretaries were the ones that actually barred him.

The secretaries was like, can he not come in there anymore because he's freaking me out. I have some letters. They're in my... That was a lot of letters coming out of me. I got it. I don't do... I'm not Michael Winslow. Listen, I am.

I do what I can do. What I love is that's one of those things that would have been really good for the live stream, but I've watched the live stream and they're really shooting from about the table. Oh, are they really? So if we could just do that at home. Oh! Oh, he's got bug letters too. Bug letters.

Oh, the computer went off. I should have kept this on. So, he heard the news that the consulate jobs, the Austrian and Paris consulate jobs, had gone to others. It's a shock. What? It's a shock. He was infuriated. Rightfully so.

And felt betrayed. By people who didn't know him. Charles was stunned! How could they deny him a position of honor after his speech and other works that clenched the election? His speech. I mean, if you knew him, you'd be like, look, let the fucking speech go, bro. That was 12 years ago in front of black people. Hey, can Charles come to the party tonight?

No, absolutely not. Why? Because, no. He wrote me a lot of letters. I'm not inviting him. But he wants to talk about this. No! Speech.

Have you heard the speech story? Fuck! Let him in. Hey, did you get my letters? Wipe your nose with this. I mean, there's got to be a part of you before television that's like, ah, fuck it, let him in. It'll be amusing. Yeah.

Right? A little bit. It's our Kardashians or whatever. Do you know what I mean? These days when you're watching something shit on TV, you're like, this is mindless entertainment. Back in the day before TV, you were like, you know what, he's crazy, but he might tell me to shove something up my bunghole. That'll be funny.

That's funny. He might be like, cowabung holder. Oh yeah, you just see him and you're like, dude, I love your letters. He's like, what? What are you talking about? Oh, no, we all passed them around. It's gone viral. What are you talking about?

Viral. I had syphilis. Yeah, that's what you're talking about. I hate my kids. Oh, but now we're getting sick, though. That was good. We got there in the end. Charlie just asked me if we could put someone on the list.

Yes, but now I'm doing a podcast. Right. Can you tell Charlie I have a plus one on my thing? Will has a spare. Let's write him a letter. For one on his. Sure. Oh, I'm podcasting.

That is also either. We've also like either said to Charlie, you can have my plus one or we've started a race from people watching the live stream for a free ticket. You brilliant. Because if there's anyone nearby is like, you can be my plus one fucking race. It's all right. It's the amazing podcast right. So there's a guy like out front like, come on, say something, say something, say something,

say something. Give me a go. Get me green. Get me green. I'm writing a letter. Then in the middle of May, while lying in his bed, Charles concluded that the president should be removed. Oh, yeah.

Here we go. Finally. That makes sense. As he, Charles Guteau, should be president. Right. Obviously. Well, Dave, we've all been thinking it. It's time to make the run.

I mean, he's so proficient at writing letters. We're calling it charlmentum and we can't stop it. He prayed on it for a while because it was a big deal. Well, you want to talk to the man in the club. Right. You go up top. When no one knows who you are. Absolutely.

So. Did you get my letters? Did you? Lord, I'm thinking I should be president. What do you think? Locked. That's a yes. Right.

That's a yes. Hey, Will, can you talk to God about blocking me? The Holy Ghost is like, God, I'm getting a lot of emails. He concluded in June that this is what God wanted him to do. Sure. So he borrowed $15. Oh, yeah. He bought a pistol.

That's how, that's how Howard Dean did it. What? Okay. That's good. There she be. So remove. Hey, if there's a picture of it, what do you think is going to happen? Remove.

Remove now became a strong term. He got one with a nice pretty handle because he figured it would be hung on a museum and he thought it should look nice. Dave, if there's one thing. Excuse me. I'm looking for a pistol, one that, that will hang in like the smooth Saudi. There's some sort of government place of special keepsakes and I want it to have a nice handle. Why will it be there?

Because I'm going to assassinate the president. I mean, I like to hunt squirrels. Thank God this was the last time someone with a mental illness was able to buy a handgun. Finally. Finally. Finally. Fool me once. Fool me once.

What a beautiful story for Podfer. You can't even buy a gun in the US unless you say you want to shoot Obama. I don't have ID. Well, you're going to use it to kill the president? Probably. All right. There you go. Have fun.

He's black. What? I might have spoke in front of him once. I thought he looked familiar. Have you gotten my letters? That would be the greatest ending into this story though. You know how they say about the Velvet Underground that like their first album only sold 500 copies but everyone who bought a copy like formed a band.

It would be so great if the final bit of this story was. Oh, by the way, we've mocked him this whole time but Obama's great-grandfather was at that speech. I was touched by what Carol said. He made a lot of great points. Really good points. How was he not ambassador? Wasn't a fan of the opener. He got the nice handled one and then he set out to kill President Garfield.

He aborted several attempts to shoot Garfield. For the next three weeks he followed the president around town. He even attended church with Garfield and checked to see if it would be possible to shoot Garfield from a window as he sat in his pew. Jesus. Wow. Do you think he went? Pew pew. Yeah.

Without question. And then he was like pew. Pew pew. He hasn't really talked to someone who liked him in like 30 years. I mean what's going on in his fucking head now is beyond us. I mean he just invented a joke you can tell your child. What noise does a gun make in a church? Pew pew.

That's like a joke. That's a proper joke. He can tell that at preschool and show and tell and then he will be banned from the school. Oh no. If he brings a real gun he'll be fine. That's fine. For the next three weeks he followed the president around town, went to the pew, then he wrote a letter to the American people. Good.

It's about time he wrote a fucking letter to the American people. This one is for everyone. To the American people. I conceived the idea of removing the president four weeks ago. Not a soul knew my purpose. I conceived the idea myself and kept it to myself. I put it where I keep my dollars. I read the newspapers carefully for and against the administration and gradually the conviction settled me on me that the president's removal was a political necessity.

Because he proved a traitor to the men that made him and thereby imperiled the life of the republic. This is not murder. This is a political necessity. Sounds like murder. It does. I know you're rapping like a cool sort of... When you're saying it's not murder. Like you're rapping in an interesting little bow but you're...

Not murder. No but you're gonna shoot a guy. Yes. But so that's... Potato potato. But you're gonna shoot a guy. Right in the... Well you say shoot a guy but he says politicalness.

You say assassinate I say potato. Because I am mentally ill. Because this is the first conversation I've had in a month and a half. I just wrote a letter to a goat. I actually run a paper for goats. They mainly eat it but they're into it. They like the word. Oh they won't fuck me though.

Well they form a goat circle and shame me. Sadly everything's come full circle. Why are you getting into a circle? Meh. Meh. Meh. Nah. He does the platoon on his knees. He had a hard time pulling the trigger. One night he happened upon Garfield and Blaine walking down the street. I love that this is a time when the president is just cruising around.

This is before we went that fuck crazy. And the president has to be in like a fucking steel tube to move around the country. I was following Obama to see Maze Runner. Tweet I'm behind Obama at Maze Runner. So he couldn't pull the trigger. On June 18th he went to the train station where Garfield was putting his wife on the train for a trip to New Jersey. She was in poor health recovering from malaria. And he didn't want...

Right. But Charles was like well I don't want to upset her by shooting him right in front of her. I will not upset her by shooting her when she's away. Sweetheart. That makes sense right? If my wife were to be shot in front of me I'd be like what the fuck? If you shot her like in the parking lot I'd be like do you guys want to get lunch? I remember a wife.

I had a wife. Just to be clear we delayed starting this show to wait till your wife was here right? We did. We did. I waited for my wife. Because I love her and I made a fucking joke. In which she dies in two different ways. I'm sure she's glad you waited.

You know what? I put a baby in her. Literally it was so weird. I was at Ralph's. I was shopping and this fucking lady leaves her baby in a cart and I grab it and my wife says what are you doing and she's got a dress on and I just cram it in her vagina. And I go that's ours let's get out of here. I'll be back in nine months.

Maybe four. It's four. Just keep cooking it. Do you feel it kicking? I feel it crying. Which is new. Well the good news is I feel like we made that better. Oh lordy.

On the morning of July 2nd, 1881, Charles rose early, ate breakfast and went out to assassinate the president. He put a stick in the mud on the river's edge and practiced shooting. Then he went to the Baltimore and Potomac railroad station and waited. So it's just a guy leaving a boarding house and then he puts a stick in the mud and stands back and goes president ping ping ping and no one says anything like oh the guy is shooting the stick. He keeps calling the stick president Garfield.

So he goes to the railroad station. He got his shoe shined and talked to a cabbie about taking him to jail when it was over. Listen. You from around here? Johnny, so can you hang around because in about 20 minutes I'm going to shoot the press and then I'll need to lift jail. I'll pay for the whole thing. They'll give you a lift sir.

Keep the meter running. Give you a lift to jail sir. I already have my plans at place, asshole. So I'll Uber. I'll Uber to jail. You're not cool. Uber was the name of the guy who shot his shoes. So he actually had a car.

My name's Uber. I have a car. Give me five stars. As Garfield, as James Garfield entered the station, Charles shot him twice in the back. Whoa, I didn't know it was this shit. And yelled, Jester A. Arthur is president now. Hang on. Is that how it works?

In America? Isn't that how it should work in America? You know what? Like in the WWE, if you watch that, sometimes they'll have like a belt that you can take at any time as long as it's three seconds and there's like a ref there. Like it's just an old time, like you can just fucking go with that person. They can be walking through the car park and if you fucking pin him for three, you're the fucking world champion.

That's what it should be for president. Oh, let's get involved in that. You elect a guy and then if you can pin him for three, you're fucking president. That is change, I believe it. I believe in that change. I agree. But the problem with that is he shoots him and then like, he's been so obsessed with shooting it for so long, he's like, we've moved on from the shooting now for the new walking

orders of people like, he's been shot. No, it's a transition. You guys don't get over it, but we have a new guy. You're going to love him. Let's go meet the new president. He loves Mondays. Last one. Garfield had a bullet lodged near his spine.

Now, this was a time when doctors didn't know that good hygiene was a thing. Okay. So they spent several weeks cramming their unwashed hands and dirty instruments into Garfield's new hole. Oh, yeah. Man, Charles just gave me a dollar. Time to dip my hand in the wound. I've been gardening, but where's the patient?

I'm going to do this one with my toes. Fuck it. Same dip. Hey, you think you can do it with your elbow? You think you can get out with your elbow? I think I can. Oh, shit. I bet you can't.

I bet I can't. Get in there. Two elbows in the president. He's dead. He died. I am getting this bullet out with my penis. Oh, here we go. All right.

Throw the money in. In the wound. Put the money in the wound, I'm saying. This is my new thing. I'm a cocktail. I'm a tons of back. Don't be like that. Don't make me sit out for another five minutes.

Excuse me. Have you seen a cocktail? I need a cocktail. Oh, I'm not a cocktail. Oh, there he is. All right. It's actually my stomach. His original wound was 3.5 inches long.

By the time the doctors were done, it was 20 inches. Shut up. What are doctors? Can you just peel that a little bit more? I got to get my whole thigh in there. I think if we rip him open enough, a new one will come out. We'll pull out a new Garfield. You guys know science.

There he comes. Fuck, that's a liver. That's a liver. Oh, it looked like an head hair. I'm so sorry. I just found $7. It was on its way from the bunghole. Oh, yeah.

That's a change first, basically. 20 inches. The doctors caused numerous infections and complications. Even Alexander Graham Bell was summoned to find the missing bullet. Hang on. What? Yeah. Alexander Graham Bell, the man who invented the code.

Hello, is the bullet inside? Can the bullet hear me? Connect me to the bullet, please. I don't know why I'm here either. But if the bullet's there, answer. Can you hold? I'll hold. Yeah, absolutely.

Can you hold, please? Yes, I can hold. That is like one of those... I hate this music. It's the worst. I don't know why I did this. I would rather nothing personally. Hello?

The bullet? Yep. Hey, buddy. Hey. This is Alexander Graham Bell. Hey, how you doing, girl? I'm a man. I'm all up in the president.

What you doing? I'm a man. Will you leave? I'm good. He says he's good. I love that that's a whole Mary. We have really fucked this up. Let's just see if we can get the most famous guy around.

It's like when the plane went missing and we were like, maybe James Cameron knows where he is. It's me, James Cameron. I don't know. None of us have any idea about... Mr. Cameron, why did Leonardo DiCaprio drown? That thing was big enough for two. Didn't you say...

There's a plane missing. Who made Avatar? Okay. So, Graham Bell had just invented a new metal detecting device. So, Bell hooked up his gadget to the president. At first, everyone thought Bell had successfully located the slug. But when surges went in and operated and dug around for a while in the president, they still couldn't locate the bullet.

It only turned out later they realized that the great inventor had just detected the metal mattress coils on the bed. Keep going, Deeper! Deeper! There it is! Oh my God, that's a spring! Oh, fuck me. You're right. I took that out of the bed.

Right through him. I took that right through him. Holy shit! For a second, I thought he had a temperpina gun. Anyway, I should have stuck at phones, right? When at phones? Hang on. Are you saying he wasn't saved by the Bell?

Come on. Shit just happened. I knew it. You were quiet for five minutes. You were quiet for five minutes because you were sad. Look. Podcast Festival, Los Angeles Podcast Festival, 2030. Someone's going to unroll a scroll,

because none of our electronics work anymore. And then they're going to say, and then Will Anderson said, save by the Bell. Anyway, we're talking about murdering the president. Welcome back if you just joined us. If you're just joining us, they've turned James Garfield into a chasm.

What? Oh. Oh. What the fuck? See, this is right. The fuck? Hang on. Are you saying he's dead?

If anybody... What did he die from? If anybody... The fuck? If anybody has ever read a history book... What? You knew where this was going. Everyone's lucky I have not.

I thought when you was like Austrian you were talking about me. Garfield... Garfield died in mid-September from a massive infection two and a half months after being shot. Oh. Oh my God.

Our heart goes out to him from the dollop. It turns out... that he would have not... By the way, I was just about to pour a bit of my drink right from my dead fucking president at home and then I went, no, this is a nice hotel. I think they got over Garfield's death here. I wish Eddie had gotten your message.

So, um... Fine. Oh, the ghost of IFT! The ghost of IFT! So... For James Garfield. For James Garfield. I am an Australian.

If there's beastbilling, I'm going to Kevin Costner that shit. And I... So... So it's funny that a president has died? Is that... Is that what I'm understanding right now? You guys having a good time? No, he wasn't my president.

He died. Charles wrote a letter. He's hating Monday somewhere. Charles wrote a letter! What? Why? Because the president died. Who? Who? General William T. Sherman. Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay. I have just shot the president. I shot him several times as I wished him to go as easily as possible. His death was a political necessity. I am a lawyer. I am a politician. I am going to jail. Please order out your troops and take possession of the jail at once!

Good plan. Sherman passed the letter along and said, I don't know this guy. You know you're fucking crazy when that guy's like, I don't want to talk about this. Ignore me. And also, you know you're really bad at sex when everyone in jail is in a circle around you going,

no, I don't want to fucking... Someone! I don't like your bunghole. Take the dollars out! It'll be fine! So Charles was in prison the whole time that obviously Garfield was in bed dying. And he believed that he'd done something noble

and would be applauded. But it turned out the people he had swindled over the years became celebrities. So the press went out and talked to all the hotel clerks and boarding housekeepers and the YMCC secretaries and the clergymen and all of the country and so all of these people were becoming famous

because they were like, hey, fuck me too! This is like a Gordon Ramsay series. This is Hotel Health! This is Hotel Health. Charles expected to be freed on bail and then go on a lecture tour where he would make an easy 30 grand. Oh yeah.

And use that on his vision board. And he would use that to pay off the top of the line defense attorneys. Strangely, he was not given bail. What? Why? Because he killed the president? On September 13th, Charles wrote a letter to the judge

overseeing his case if I should enter a plea of assault with the attempt to kill. Would the government meet me by giving me two years? The lowest time the law allows

I hardly know whether I would do it. Yeah, you never know. I mean, I expect to be acquitted but, you know, tossing that out. I've been there. Let's go for two. It reminds me when I saw Jonathan Silverman.

Do you know him, the single guy? Do you remember that guy? And he was on Letterman. The single guy got really popular because Seinfeld was popular. He got really cocky and went into a meeting with the executive and he pushed the piece of paper across the table

and the executive wrote something on the piece of paper and pushed it back and all it said was weekend at Bernie's 3. That's the problem. He never had a weekend at Bernie's 3, Mama. That's the problem with a lot of things. Like, Secretary of State Blaine, just in one moment, right,

no one fuck you in a sex cold. Interesting counter. Interesting counter. Interesting. Most doctors believed today Garfield would have lived if they had washed their hands and instruments because the bullet lodged and assist in his back

and it could have just stayed there forever. Oh, well, that's good. Charles was charged with murder and his trial began on November 14, 1881. It lasted more than six months. Charles then sent a letter to the new president. You're welcome. Chester A. Arthur.

Just by the way, how did that trial last six months? Yeah, they're like, we don't know. Like, he's a guy who wrote a letter saying, I fucking killed the president. We're still torn. I'm hoping you have any more information. I'm hoping to hearing both sides. My inspiration is a God

sent to you and I presume you appreciate it. It raises you from $8,000 to $50,000 a year. So he's sending a letter to Chester A. Arthur, the new president, saying, I got you a raise. Can you imagine

if you're the new president getting a letter from the guy who killed the last president, you're like, this is not good. He's still addicted to letters and letters lead to spine chasms. It raises you from a political cipher to president of the United States with all its powers and honors.

From the cabinet, sorry, for the cabinet, I would suggest the false. A lampshade! A blotted flower! State, Mr. Conking, Treasury, Mr. Morton, War General Logan, Attorney General,

EA Stores of Chicago, let all honor be paid to General Garfield's remains. He was a good man. He was. He was a weak politician. Sorry we lost him. It's a shame that someone had to shoot him. Someone had to kill him. Charles then wrote an autobiography

called... Nobody read this! The Truth and the Removal. The first part was about his life and the second part was about the removal of that guy from the living. I mean...

And they were published in the New York Herald. I am... No voice. You got your Charles voice on again. This is... This is the most popular part of the... I am looking for a wife. Uh-huh. Sure. I want an elegant Christian lady of wealth

under 30. Sure. I don't want an old vagina. Belonging to a first-class family. Uh-huh. I am fond of female society. I judge the ladies are of me and I would be delighted

to find my mate. First dating profile. Why do I feel like if he was on Tinder it would be a picture of him with a lion or a tiger. A shirtless one. One with a gun. Like danger. Two kids.

Right. This is the gun I shot the president with. Look at that handle. Well, that's gonna hang on a wall nice, right? Charles... Charles' defense was led by his brother-in-law Francis' husband, George Scoville.

Oh. The one he attacked with an axe. Yeah. Charles would insist on trying to represent himself during the entire trial. But Charles was very unhappy that Scoville was trying to use an insanity device.

How dare he? Charles vehemently insisted that while he had been legally insane at the time of the shooting he was not really medically insane. Thank you. He argued loudly in court against his own lawyer's attempt to proclaim him insane. Great way to prove you're sane.

Shout at your lawyers in court. I'm not crazy! Come on! Anyway, you were sane? Why are you whispering? Keep your voice up. He consistently spoke to the judge, witnesses and spectators

who were very pleased and often contradicted those testifying on his behalf. My medical opinion is that he's insane. No! Loser! Dr...

Dr... Dr. Spitzka testified that he had no doubt that Charles was both insane and a moral monstrosity. In fact, this is the record. These were doctors who were sticking their cocks

in open wounds. So, like, how much are we really trusting these fucking morons that could have left the bullet in the president's back and been the coolest president of all time? Like, I would have come to America like, you know, we had a president who had a bullet

in his spine and just kept going. But no, apparently doctors are like, maybe it'll be better if there's more blood. Let's play real-life operation on his back. The prosecutors argued that Charles was not insane. Charles believed his actions had been commanded by God, and he would be freed

and given the popular praise for his heroic action. Once addressing the courtroom spectators, I have had plenty of visitors high toned, middle toned, and low toned people. Everybody was glad to see me. They all expressed their opinion without one dissenting voice,

that I be acquitted. So, there. He also needed money for his ongoing trial, and he made a pretty terrific argument. I desire to invite my friends throughout the nation to send me money. People have given

Mrs. Garfield $200,000. That bitch. A splendid thing, and now I want them to give me some money. Right. She's had enough. I mean, she has half the expenses she used to have. Thank you. You're welcome, bitch.

You're welcome, bitch. Haven't gotten a letter. Throughout the trial, Charles was adamant that he could not be held accountable since he had been acting for God. What is that? It's gross. That's like 90 people being like, shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. And like one guy giving him a shoulder rub. Yeah. One guy's like, hang in there, but we're going to massage the lunatic out of those shoulders. People are crazy up there, huh? Oh, gee. You ready for the trial? You want the trial?

I talked to 12 black people once. Shut up. Shut your mouth. He continually berated his brother-in-law Scoville whenever the lawyer didn't go along with his wishes. Some of his quotes to the lawyer during his trial. Get off the case, you consummate ass!

I would rather have some 10-year-old boy than you try this case. You've compromised my case in every move you make. So that's just happening, Wallace. I always find in court it's good to bring up 10-year-old boys. Always makes people feel really comfortable.

You know, there is a network exec like, hold on. Charles was constantly cursing during the trial the judge, his defense team, the witnesses, and the prosecution. He's everybody's getting it. He also delivered his own testimony in epic poems. Oh, yeah, nice. This is good.

Good way to prove you're not crazy. Read your poems. I am innocent. Which he recited at length. He solicited legal advice from random spectators in the audience. By passing notes. This is kind of like a hand-to-hand letter.

It's like a tiny letter. It's a little letter. Do you want to represent me? Check yes or no. I like your eyes. Will you be my attorney? He's on the circle. No! He solicited legal advice from random spectators

in the audience. Pass me notes. And he often smiled and waved at spectators and reporters in the classroom. It's me. Hot trial for killing the president. How are you? You're welcome, Chester. Judge Walter Cox threatened to gag Gattel

if he did not stop his outburst. Judge Cox threatened to gag him? Yeah, America! You know, the thing was, while you were saying that, I was patting myself on the back of my head for not saying that. I thought we were harmonizing. I don't mean that in a bad way.

I wanted to say it so much. And when you said it, it made me so happy. There was a part of me that was like, no, that's too much. It wasn't too much. I hate him. Sorry, I've stopped listening, and now I'm just doing director's commentary.

It's the dollop within the dollop. I've started my own podcast. You're listening to the double dollop. I'm like the Chris Hardwick of your podcast. I'm during my new show, During the Dollop. Because he owns aftershows, but on the go, he actually just It's what we call a during show.

You'll hate it. What Dave and Gary were just saying. You say Dave calls him Gary, but he's real names Gary. That's my job. Don't we get it? It's like having a blogger here. While in prison during the trial,

Charles actively made plans to run for president in 1884. He's got my vote. After months of testimony, the jury adjourned and properly found him guilty. After the verdict was read, Charles stepped forward

and yelled, You are all low consummate jackasses! And then continued swearing and screaming. He was executed July 30th, 1882. For what? Oh, right. Okay, right.

Sorry. That makes sense. He was executed for leaving that boarding house. Parking tickets. That's what they found him guilty of. He had a string. He had a string of boarding houses. While being led to his execution.

He had never sent his brother that $7. He promised him. I knew that was going to bite him in the ass. Bunghole Law is brutal. You know Bung-Law. While being led to his execution, Charles continued to smile and wave at spectators and reporters.

How are you? I'm going to good kill. I'm your new president. Bye! He notoriously He notoriously danced his way to the gallows. Yeah, yeah.

Shook the hands of his executioner. Hello Bob! Hey, hey, hey. Robot, robot. There's one. Hello. You can't kill a robot from hanging. Apart from killing the president, this guy is just Donald Trump, right?

Honestly, I imagine if you were in the time where you were watching public hangings and then you saw a guy who was like, boom, alright, a showboater. You'd be like, maybe we get this guy around. I don't know. Yeah, I like this guy.

He's like one of the guys at the end of Top Chef or Hell's Kitchen, who's like, you haven't heard the last from me. Yeah. He's interviewed just before he's hanged. He's like, you're going to hear the name Charles Gato again. We won't. Bye! You should read a little bit

of what death means. What's death? On the scaffold, as his last request, he recited a poem he had written during his incarceration, which he called... Going to the Lordy. Wow, that's a hard rhyme, too. He had originally requested

an orchestra play as he sang his poem. But that request was denied. Oh, yeah. It's so hard to get an orchestra. You ready? I'm going to the Lordy. I am so glad.

I'm going to the Lordy. I'm so glad. I'm going to the Lordy. Wow. It's a fucking horrible poem. And for that, he should be killed. That's not a poem. No, it's just him fucking going

to the Lordy. Everyone's like... You know what it might have been, though? He might have been like, let me do my poem and then you kill me. And they were like, okay. And he was like, this poem's 35 minutes. Take me to the Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

Take me to the Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Everybody dance. How are you? Hey, how are you? Everybody dance. Two more hours. Okay, we're going to hang in now. But it's time to hang in.

Okay, let's put this over. You ain't hanging me, my Lordy. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. This is 40 minutes more. No. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy do.

Okay, thank you. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. No, no, no, no, no. Because it's Lord. Come on, everybody. Lord. Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord. Lord, Lord, Lord.

Lord, Lord, Lord. Lord, Lord, Lordy, Lordy. Lord, Lord. This... Oh, my God. Just for the record, this would be the greatest podcast of all time in the history of podcasting.

If suddenly you pressed the next thing and it was him still doing that. What are you doing? Hang on. Yeah. You are literally throwing something with a pin on it to an audience of people. You're dead.

Mine wasn't personal. Anyway, that's the... That's the story of Charles Gattel. It's all normal. Fucking crazy eyes. All normal. Totally normal story. Yeah.

So Garfield got assassinated. Right. Interesting, isn't it? I mean, it was news to me, but I am hoping to apply for a green card, so that might be... I might need to do the same. Can you imagine if I'm doing the test

that you could be an American and then you get to this topic and I'm like, settle. You went way over what we asked you. Well, it's very complicated. The wound was small, then large. I wanted to display that in my chest. There's a light.

We went over because... This is the... This is one of the two best podcasts at the festival. The other one, of course, being... The other one, of course, being... What's the ift? Is there any ift?

I called that one. How could you not? I mean, you'd see it from all the way back there. Thank you guys so much for coming. Thank you. There are posters of the dollop. I don't know if you guys have seen the dollop art, but there are posters for sale.

And some of them are signed. Some of them we can sign for you guys. You need to sign some of them, William. I was going to... In between my... You have a lot of time. Okay, because in between my show and this show, I was going to go back to my apartment

and I don't know what I would do there. Watch the live feed. Smoke a capri, I get you. Yep, yep. Now, a little capri. I'm just going to watch the live stream of this show back, right, guys? I guess we're not going to sign

because he has to go smoke some... Some Virginia lights. Thank you for coming to the very first dollop. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE