The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 48 - The Past Times with Katie Halper
Episode Date: October 20, 2023This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and guest comedian, podcaster and documentarian Katie Halper. Redbubble Merch...
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All right everybody, welcome to the Pastimes Podcast.
Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random
date history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen
it before and neither is our guest this week.
Katie Helmer. Hi Katie. Hi. Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. This is exciting. This is big. This is big for you because
you're doing well but but people should go follow you on social media at KT helps.
Yes.
That's a PES at the end, right?
H-A-A.
No, it's, it's, it's a letter K letter T H-A-L-P-S.
Oh, P-S, sorry.
P-S.
That's okay.
Like, post-crypt.
Yeah.
And your YouTube, what's your YouTube? post script. Yeah, and your YouTube. What's your YouTube?
You have a lot of followers on YouTube YouTube. YouTube.com slash the Katie helper show. Okay. Yes.
And and it's exciting. And this is exciting. This is big for Katie though, because she
she loves me and hates you, Dave. You know that. Yeah.
I'm not supposed to tell him that.
It's a mixed bag.
It's totally fine.
People.
That was told to you in confidence,
Gary.
Well, one of the things I think you like about me is my renegade
etchitude.
That is true.
It's cool.
I'm blue right now.
Everybody knows how to like blue.
Yeah, you always you should be blue because you just heard some sad news.
Yeah, that's not true
I do like you now you're getting blue or now you're like the girl from your smirking. You're fully smirping
You look like the very girl. Yeah, yeah
Violet Beauregard
Yeah, Dave. Yeah, when I'm back Jesus Christ. You're very blue
I'm and we should note that he looks blue
Even though he's wearing blue. Yeah, I think it brings it out. What's making a little blue? Yeah, I don't know what you've been eating blue stuff
Are you still doing that blue diet?
I'm doing the autopilot
Oh, yeah, right the only blue ones. Yeah, only blue the the autopilot. Oh, yeah, right. Only blue ones though.
Only blue, the blue autopilot.
It's an expensive blue diet.
Yeah.
Yeah, your tongue does not look healthy.
It's fine.
It looks like a fish.
Is your chair blue also?
No, it's white.
Well, that's weird.
That's why I do and blue.
But the blue is coming off you so strongly that it's literally making your chair look blue
What's going on with you and blue did you don't worry? Are you a blue man? Are you doing blue man again? I am auditioning later today
God well first of all the makeup is far too subtle and second of all they told you stop trying
Can you hear the dog? Yeah, oh?
My god your dogs are so cute.
What are they called?
Snicker doodles or something?
Doodle.
What are they?
Labyrinth doodles.
Labyrinth doodles.
Labyrinth doodles.
Labyrinth doodles.
Yeah.
They were made in a lab by a noodle.
To be that cute.
Yeah.
See, this is where Dave's shouting and he's me and it is Mike.
And it works.
It's crazy effective though.
Yeah.
All right, Katie.
So we, uh, we like to start each episode with a guess.
Well, guess when what year this newspaper Dave is about to read is from.
It's low stakes.
You don't get anything if you, you get it.
Maybe Dave will whiten at some point if you get it right.
I will guess, I go for a sense as our show.
I will guess that.
Yeah, I'm trying to think, I always think of what he's going to do for the guest. I go first since this is our show. I will guess that
I always think of what he's gonna do for the guest. I think for you. He's gonna try to
Irritate you and I think you like 20th century
So I'm gonna guess I'm gonna guess
1928 because I think he's sorry 19 I'll do 19 29 let's be on the nose about it All right, don't worry. I'm gonna give two dates. How does this is so I guess I
Is like we've never set rules. Well, I know and I wish we I wish I knew that
I'm not gonna guess that many of that would be annoying all right
1939 or 1954
Those are both great guesses so close
1940 oh
So I really get well, I don't know if we did it's not a definite yeah closest to anyone's ever come she got two
Wow, she got two guesses that's all right
But even if you average them even if you average them. Yes, it's close better. Yeah
But I actually was gonna do 39 then I throw up 54, but we can average them. I'll take that hit. All right fine
Whatever I still win you win both showcases technically. Yeah
It's corpus Christi, Texas
The date is July 29th
1940 it's the corpus Christi times nice
very exciting Page one in the cooler 1940 it's the Corpus Christi Times. Nice. Very exciting.
Page one in the cooler.
It's a good start.
This is a story out of Fayetteville, North Carolina. While the temperature
hovered around 100 degrees, a man sought on an assault warrant,
wrapped himself from head to foot in heavy blankets and tried to sneak out of town
in a two-horse wagon. Wow. Wow. What? As always, the, I guess, I guess. Yeah, I feel bad.
It's not good. I feel like there's a thousand better disguises, but it is technically a disguise.
It's as like a carpet. As a Michelin zombie,
a mummy man of some kind.
But I mean, really, it's blankets.
He's trying to go as blankets.
It's blankets, just so you're trying to look like a pile of blankets.
You're not hiding because everyone's like,
who's the blanket guy?
Like everyone is.
It's also if it's 100 degrees, you're like,
oh, wow.
It's a lot of weighting your ass off. Yeah. Everyone's like, what's up with this guy?
There's something on with the point is they don't see him. Well, they did see him
because they found out that there was a man under the blankets.
And this he's not riding. He's not, I assume, on the horse.
He better not, if he's riding on the horse, this story gets a lot better. Yeah.
I mean, he should be on the horse because it's a better story.
But, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo,
hello, officer.
Big huge, huge caterpillar.
Yeah, he could be driving the wagon.
Also, like he, we know, or, but I mean,
it's probably him back under the blankets.
I think he's hiding as a pile of blankets.
Yeah.
That's disappointing.
Well, you got a shade bluer.
I, but buddy, don't a shade bluer. Buddy, down.
Uh, British Ministry of Food releases storage eggs.
The eggs have been released. That's coming back. The storage. Yeah.
You've never seen that A and E show storage eggs. Really bad. It smells. It's really bad. What are storage eggs? I'm guessing this is going to be
I guess it's like our like our gasoline. Yeah, it's like our oil supply. Yeah, it's for, okay, so there's an egg shortage. British, I mean, I've been in England for three weeks.
This is very possible.
Yeah, there's probably a big up and like Newcastle,
there's a big egg storage vault.
There's probably a minister of egg.
Yeah, right.
New York Ave or something.
Yeah, right.
Duke of Duke Ave.
The Yoke Ave. Yeah, Yoke here. He's in Yoke here. Yoke here. That Yeah right. Yeah. Duke of Duke of egg. The Yoke of egg. Yeah.
Yoke here. He's in Yoke here. Yoke here. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. We all read it who released the
emergency eggs. Wait, is this a okay? Is this storage for eggs? Is that what we're thinking? Okay.
Are you getting hungry? Okay.
The Ministry of Food released a supply of home produced
cold storage eggs yesterday for sale
at maximum price of two shillings,
a dust to help beat a shortage of fresh eggs.
It's 40 cents.
So these are two eggs?
So they're eggs that you store? They're like rainy day eggs. Yeah, because in Europe, they're normal. They don't put their eggs in. Yeah, we keep them out over here. Yeah, they're out. So your eggs, your eggs out. Yeah, they're like, look, here we have cold eggs, which last longer. And we're going to release them because there's a neck shortage. And if there's a neck shortage in England, the gun thing worse is a T shortage. Yeah, right. Yep. Yep. I've had been seeing a lot of
what are they going to let the the English breakfast? Yeah. So it's nuts. I really have been like
astounded by the bridge. It's not nuts. Is it? No, it's not actually actual I feel like in your honor, Garroth I'm really gonna
know for it I'm gonna pull my punches with you. You got you
pun you're you're you're Jesus Christ
Puns holy shit Katie never systems on try I'm always so happy when I hear
you're here during puns I'm like thought of that
he's your opposite
you're your
pun foe I'm like, thought of that. He just gave your opposite. Yeah, your punch.
Oh, my soul.
Dave tries to move on and he gets angry.
There's a session.
I should have to be.
We do post game stuff after each show where Dave will really kind of break down his thoughts
and his problems with how I handled things.
Right.
And a lot of negative feedback on the puns.
Mainly negative.
Yeah.
Well, it's a punitive. Yeah.
It's a punitive.
There you go. Yeah. Well, it's a punitive. There you go.
Britain. Oh, here's, here's why Britain got most of her pre war egg
imports from the Netherlands in Denmark. But now with their overseas market
shut off, the Dutch are having to slaughter their laying hens because of a
scarcity of chicken feed. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It wasn't, it was also chickens
that suffered during the war.
People think it was just people,
but the chickens all over the world.
This could very easily be a Brexit headline too.
Yeah, they're really good actually.
It will be.
The poor chickens.
Wow.
Wow, I don't know if that's how I get sad at the end.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You wouldn't know unless you knew about the chickens that they were sad ending to the new or two stories.
That's exactly right.
I mean, happy, ultimately.
I think it takes a turn there.
And Dave is a shade bluer.
We should just point that out.
Yeah, we should have a blue ominer.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Really?
What happens if I do this?
More blue?
I think even bluer, that's weird.
Like, it is true.
I was right.
The blue of your hat is a contrast.
It's a foil for your blueness.
It's very disturbing, right?
So maybe, are you dead?
Maybe I am.
Maybe I am dying.
Maybe I am dying.
There's a possibility that you guys can tell me.
I think you're dead.
It was one pun too many.
Yeah.
I think you died because of all the puns.
Yeah.
Is it always one pun too many? No.
God. So this, it's also then you start dying. And you're like, it's really too much. There's the line. Yeah.
I'm trying to see if there's a, uh, not dead filter. There are, there are different colors I can,
I can change the color. I will do. You're going to want orange because that's the opposite of blue.
I like blue. If there's a darker blue, get that going. Oh, it's great. Now, Dave, come fully.
Magenta. Yeah, pink. New gerbil. And now your beard looks really great. This is not good for audio.
We should just get into the next. Now he's black and white. That's pretty good for this.
the next. Now he's black and white. That's pretty good for this. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Let us be thankful. We Americans would do well to take time out occasionally to counter our blessings as citizens of a great republic. Wait, counter or count? Oh, count. Sorry. I say counter.
Yeah. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. Yeah. Self
sabbiz. If we did so, we'd learn to appreciate more and more what it means to be American.
Now, see, so this is a very, this is really where our problem stem from. The, just the
step and enjoy how great everything is while everyone is just
looting us and the rich are just slowly starting to retract the things that we value and that
matter.
But it's very corpus Christi to just be like, yeah, aren't we the greatest?
Well, this is 40 right 1940.
Yeah, 1940. So America is not in World War
two yet. I guess we haven't come into bail amount yet, right? Yeah. So that's like
there is a lot of blessings to be counted. Yeah, it's actually not it's not it's not
it's not wrong, but it's also like we keep, I guess, I guess
it's okay if things were good in the country, but things weren't even really good then.
Where are they?
I mean, there was still a tremendous amount of awful, I mean, America was still, you know,
had a tremendous problems, Dave, stop with the filter stuff.
But, but yeah, we still do that though.
We still are constantly like, yeah,
we just take a minute to just enjoy the freedom
of this country provides us.
Yeah, it's just American exceptionalism, right?
Constant.
How great are we?
Let's take a moment out here
for something we never do.
We never do this.
Let's take a moment out to appreciate America.
Yeah, yeah.
Take our political system, for instance, and our election
manners particularly. It is true that our politicians cuss each other and predict dire things in
case the other fellow wins, but seldom do we have anything more serious by way of an outbreak
than an occasional fist fight. Man. Not only they knew. I know. know. Just be great. Just be like, I don't take you
to 2023 for five minutes and just show you around. These disagreements usually grow out of
personal rivalries rather than from any serious disagreement over policies and methods.
When the ballots are counted, the losers accept defeat gracefully. Oh my gosh.
Be freeing from growing over their victory.
No.
The individual counts for something. His ballot is just as important as anybody else's.
Are they gaslighting us?
It's also bullshit from like, even this like, okay, so there may be a little period here where you can say this,
but like American elections have always been a fucking nightmare, just a shit show.
It's just assholory and it's incredibly, I mean, we've talked about it at the very beginning.
We're like gangs.
We're like beating the shit out of people and voting 20 times.
Like it's just been a disaster.
And we're going to break your vote in thumbs. Yeah.
The point is that we take our elections in stride and don't go in for rebellion.
I mean, are they seriously just like, hey, 2023, you can suck our dick.
Yeah, you are real bad at all this. They're really the loser leaves.
Also, this is the time when they had poll taxes and stuff.
Oh, right.
Right.
There's that.
There's the whole most enfranchising country.
Isn't it good to be white?
Yeah.
Paul tax is a phenomenal, a phenomenal phase.
Yeah.
Yep.
No, we believe in the freedom for, but by the way,
you will be paying a voting fee.
So.
Yeah.
Man Hagen by George Tucker.
Is there a book in the middle of the paper?
This is weird.
New York, we were having the Veal pie in Sam's at lunch yesterday when
Monty Prozer dropped into the joining chair. I think I think the guy who researched this just
dropped this and it was like, this is what they wrote like. Can you keep that? I got distracted
by this. Having a Veal's pie at Sam's when Matthew McBougill walked in.
We were having the Veal pie at Sam's at lunch yesterday when Monty Prozer dropped into an adjoining chair adjoining chair.
adjoining chair.
Just say sad.
Maddie fancy his life of young cow.
Monty is a young man with horn rim glasses, a sad smile, add a conviction, add a conviction
that disappointment is the inevitable reward for those who expect too much from life.
That is, whoa, this guy's a real man.
This is like Dave Terrentori.
Yeah, this is what?
Fifty shades of blue Anthony. This is by no means the melancholy philosophy of a young man who has been frustrated by life.
No doubt at times he feels frustrated, but a careful analysis of his deeds and experiments
reveals something of the salt of variety, of changing color, of sunny days, as well as glum ones.
Hey, Katie, I'll ask it.
Hey, what's happening?
Monty used to be a hobo.
Oh.
Oh.
Monty is a form of hobo.
So this is nice, a reformed hobo.
A reformed hobo. With horn-ring glasses. That's right. What did he wear when he reformed hobo with horn-ring glasses
What did he wear when he was a hobo? Did he not have glasses?
two bottoms of coat bottles. Yeah
Wow, he's trying to jump jump from trains
Yeah, well
Really dangerous to jump into the train right as it's passing you Yeah, Jesus my date
Well, boys, I'm off to the train. There's no train
He just fell into a river
Really hard to be as he's pulling at his scrotum, right
He's still in heart a hobo
He has been known to Broadway. He's been known to Broadway
since the early days of repeal. You know the Broadway, the two step, the box step boy.
You never heard of the counter crack. He has been a press agent. He has shipped on cattle
boats and slept in open fields. He once worked for Herbert Hoover.
What's it like? Like madlibs.
This is very, it is pit fields.
It doesn't feel authentic.
Yeah.
Once he was a guy at Yellowstone Park, I mean, this is the hobo life.
They would just travel around and do shit.
And he was just in parks.
Yeah, you could just do it.
Back then you could just do it.
You didn't.
You just walk up.
I know. I know. I know. I know. In no way. Am I shaming the unhoused, but I'd be like, You could just do it back then you could just do it didn't
I know In no way am I shaming the unhoused, but I'd be like wait what?
Yep
What are going to tour um with my kids and stuff you work here no I live no they could live there. I live here come on
They could live there. I live here. Come on
Wanted a squirrel turd? What do you want to eat a squirrel turd squirrel turd? Hi
Goes well with a wheel of ill pie. I don't
You people How it yes, you want to leave one of your kids here? No, okay? Can I be one of your kids?
Do I give you money something something to make you go ahead and make you? Well yeah yeah that will
work if you want to do that. Here's money. Okay. All right well enjoy
Yellowstone. It's weird you're wearing a burlap sack but have horn rim glasses.
Well you're not moving you're just still standing here.
I know. Where are we going, Dad?
Dad?
Pop.
Papa?
If someone gives you money, it doesn't mean they adopt you.
Uh.
Depends.
So, slippery slope.
What's, uh...
Pie?
Pie? Love a bit of pie. Boy, boy pop you sure know the rate of my heart. He is a restaurant owner now or rather a nightclub owner and in recent months he has been
rather wildly widely heralded as the father of the zombie. Nice. Nice. Almost everybody in New York knows what a zombie is. It is an
after dark beverage so powerful that not more than two may be sold to a customer. Oh man. Amazing.
That's awesome. Is that like an old school roofie? Well, it's like a really hardcore drink.
It's like a long island ice tea. You're not of that more than two of these zombies. Where's my kidney? Someone banged my mouth. That's why
you're not allowed to boy. A man's capacities is own business. Though personally, I would
be afraid to travel in the company of people who could or would want to carry more than two of those tall rum inspired concoctions under their belt.
Hmm. I feel like that's all bluster. I feel like, you know, the, like, I feel like I could put away four zombies.
Yeah. I mean, it just goes on and on about the zombie.
What's in it? I want to know what the the recipe. It doesn't, it doesn't say rum. Are we allowed to Google things during the show? Yes. But then you have to
read us your Google search. Oh, I will, of course. I mean, it's definitely
rum. Yeah, yeah. The zombie is a rum filled notoriously powerful drink. It
said that beach limited each customer. Oh, what beaches is. Oh Don Beach created it in 1930 when he opened
America's first polynesian theme Tiki bar. That's not what we got from this
article. Whoa, whoa Dave. Well that's they're lying. They are absolutely
disrespecting. Monty. Don Beach. Oh, listen, you're on your team Beach, Katie.
Well, this is what they're saying is that it was created by Don Beach, D-O-N-N.
Dave, you Monty or Beach, which side do you find?
Monty, Monty, all the way.
This is my Monty.
I'm on the Mon team too.
Monty, I'm on the Mon team.
Monty, this.
I'm on the Mon team too.
Monty, this.
I'm on the Mon team too.
Monty, this.
I'm on the Mon team too.
I'm on the Mon team.
Monty, this.
I'm on the Mon team too. I'm on the Mon team too. I'm on the Mon team. I'm on the Mon team person. My name is Don Beech. I know. I would be in my team to develop a teaky bar when your name is Beech.
Mm, that does sound fake.
That definitely sounds like a save by the bell thing.
But apparently it has, it must have a base of both light and dark rum.
Sometimes it's 151 proof rum.
Cache and fruit is common though an array of other fruits, including grapefruit, orange,
papaya, and pineapple have been used in and zombies.
Well, the one so you don't you don't need you don't need roofies.
Now, the one 51 is the one 51 is fully flammable.
So yeah, that'll set you on fire.
We're dealing with something.
This is a this is this website I'm on is like an eats what it's like a the spruce eats.
And it's very good.
Are you doing ads?
If you're not allowed, you're not.
You can.
I love the spruce eats, you know, when I'm tired, I don't want to cook a meal.
Quick, Dave, do Hello, fresh.
Hurry. Come on.
We've got to come back.
Hello, website is saying that it was developed in the 30s by Don Beach, but then the same website goes on to say, oh, it's adapted from
adapted from one
To the Fulmonte, but he uncovered it in a 1950 self-published book. This makes no sense. It's like time travel
Well, the truth of the zombie is it's mom now I'm team Monty because this is a real
zombie. Nobody knows. Do you think Monty is the pile of blankets from the first story?
Yeah, I like to think that.
Was there any more about the pile of blankets guy by the way?
No, that was it. It's all we know.
So much to fill in.
Yeah, a lot of a lot of the newspapers and back in the past give you a taste and then they
stop.
This is when the editors had ADHD
and they would be like halfway through an article
and they'd be like, oh, I love butterflies.
Hey, let's do that zombie thing.
Right.
I want a drink right now.
I don't like day drinking, but.
I'm drinking one.
Get the zombie.
Yeah.
Shot as she prays.
Oh,
He's having a Columbus Ohio. I'm a stereotype the salient shot miss Bula woffered
While she knelt in prayer at home a bullet pass through her hands raised in worship. Oh shit I thought he had a head. So did she survive? She just got the stigmata. Yeah, she's got a stigmata or not even the stigmata. She avoided the stigmata. Well, that's the stigma of the stigmata, which I think has actually been on earth right.
I mean, nothing else on her hand. That's a that's it. That's the whole story, but that's really God saying don't pray. It's not wait. Is this God saying don't pray. It's not. Wait, is this God saying don't quit a prayer or saying praying?
Yeah, no, I mean, she got shot through the hand. So it's God going like
was she shot like physical so it hit her. She did get shot.
It went through her hands. Okay, I went through her hands into her right.
I thought maybe I'm going to go into it. I just went through her hands. She's praying.
Oh, yeah. So she did. So I feel like that what God is saying,
certainly if I were religious, I would want to spin it this way, which is like her prayers protected her.
I do not have the same interpretation.
I don't see that,
because I think that's the reason
that this is the reason that this is the reason.
I'd be like,
I'm done praying.
I'm not praying anymore.
I'm not praying anymore.
I'd be like, yeah, this is your Kami camp up bringing.
Yeah, I just,
you were praying.
I would never be like, I just, yeah. You were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, you were, I would never be like, I would never be like, I'm going to keep praying. Look at the holy in my hands. So her hands were shot, okay. Her hands were shot. Yeah, yeah, I went through them. I don't, you know why, I don't, you know why, I for some reason thought, you thought in between the fingers,
which makes no sense,
because no one prays like that.
But I thought,
Oh my God,
how did your brain go there?
I know.
I don't pray.
So she did get the stigmata.
No, that's why it made no sense when I was saying,
it was like,
well, she didn't get the stigmata,
because in my weird work brain,
it went through the fingers.
Yeah, you've got some, you have some.
I'm doing such a bad job representing Jews.
It's like they think people pray like this.
They think people pray with their fingers is played.
Spread.
Yeah, that just like wet like yeah, yeah, the goiim hand.
Yeah, going web web.
Exactly. Yeah, the ducks. So you're a webbed, exactly. Yeah.
Hey, on the ducks.
So you're right, it's anti-prang,
because if she had her hands down,
she wouldn't have suffered anything.
Yeah.
She shouldn't have been in church.
I mean, I guess we're actually putting a little on her.
I got to shoot her hands.
Yeah, I know, we're guys in blaming a little bit.
That guy's a bit of a problem to her.
Yeah.
So he went into a church.
He went into a church.
No, she was at home, I think. Oh, she was at home. There's no indication she
was a church. She's praying at home. Yeah. She's getting on the street. She's getting
a street prayer. Yeah. All right. A street preacher. I do a lot of that. We can all agree
she deserved it, right? 100%. I'm on the guy side. I'm on the gun side in most of these. Those prayer beads that day. Yep. Yep.
Yeah.
Mayor Leeds Rades, Atlantic City, New Jersey, with a sick shooter tucked in his white
linen suit. It's amazingly of a gun problem.
Yeah.
In his white linen suit. All right.
The first story on the news in England today was that a kid was stabbed.
Really?
Yeah.
As a bad kid.
I think maybe to death, which isn't great.
But I was still like this.
This would not make the news.
Yeah, this would this would never.
There was the lead story.
I wouldn't do a raid in a white suit.
I know. I would do a raid in a white suit. I know I would do a raid in a white suit either.
That's the best way to raid.
That might be the dumbest thing to wear in a raid.
I don't know.
Pile of blankets.
Dumber.
Okay.
That's a great summer.
Mayor Tom Taggart led 40 policemen in raids on four local nightclubs early yesterday.
The raid.
All dragons zombies.
The race produced 32 prisoners and several truckloads
of gambling paraphernalia.
Police chief James moment, moment in him.
Momentum.
Go ahead.
Moment, momentum.
Momentum.
I'm on a knees.
Momentum, was home,
sound asleep, as were other high ups in the department.
The clubs were just ready to begin floor shows to pack houses when Mayor Taggart and the
rating parties descended.
Photographers took pictures of each gambling device under the mayor's direction.
I'm not taking chances on any of this evidence being stolen before the trials start.
Taggart explained.
Asked why he staged the raids personally.
We recently like him tagging gambling on any of it.
Oh, right there.
Oh, yeah, that's disappointing.
It's hard.
It's hard.
Is it too late to fix that?
I know.
We need to do there.
It's past.
It's a speechwriter.
Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Dave. I know. He needed you there. It's his speech writer. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, Dave.
Keep going. Ask why you staged the raids. Personally, the recently, recently elected
tagger to certain, certain guys around this town have shown themselves to be peculiumune
to arrest. Oh, he didn't tell the police chief. It's a corrupt police department. And
he's going in there now because the higher ups are asleep.
And he's basically being like, this is the only way to get anything done in this
town.
Yeah, it's to not tell the cops.
And yet I'm still on team gambler.
Isn't that weird?
I'm against the guy in the white linen suit with the gun.
No matter what.
It's the only thing bringing me back to his corner.
So he went in there with 40 police.
Yes, non-corrupt police.
But not the high-rops.
Not the high-rops.
So he's like trying to...
He's sending a message.
Cut out the middle man kind of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he wears white night suits.
Who is the top man?
Yep.
Just...
Where in the way it is.
The rank and file police.
I like it.
Dave, get off the outfit stuff. I'm really, I don't care as much about the corruption is the white suit like the white linen suit is more upsetting. It's great. Get up.
Word. It's awesome. Also, where's this fall in relation to Labor Day? I guess it's okay. It's July. We're in July, right? Yeah, we're in joy. He was definitely like don't don't overturn those tables with wine on it But come up. I'm a the sustain this is stain
Hey, what if we all wear white suits. Yeah, what are we all?
Everyone maybe a little white
We got a palmo. No, no, no, we're just gonna go no no no. This is purely we're breaking up some of these rings boys
We're just gonna go no no no this is purely we're breaking up some of these rings boys
Might be nice to do a hole I think we could go to pan him after might be nice to kind of guys and dolls are way in there a little bit to
You know sort of today. Hey, we're coming in. Yeah, what's like what what can I wear spanks?
Absolutely not listen officer spanks. We've told you get out of here. All right.
This is Christ.
She, she, she, that's him walking away.
How Collins, president of the crazy water company at Mineral Wells?
Uh, Katie, wanna jump in?
How do we wanna, what's going on?
The crazy water company?
Yeah.
What?
At Mineral Swells?
Crazy water.
Mineral Wells. Mineral Swelves. Crazy water. Mineral Wells.
Mineral Wells.
Crazy water.
This so much of this does really sound like adlibs.
Madlibs, madlibs, I mean.
Yeah.
That's the game adlibs.
Water company.
Yeah, Crazy Water Company.
The name finally came to me.
It's insane, like Crazy Eddie.
Yeah, what are you settling?
Huh?
What are you selling?
Milk.
Baaah! Crazy water. What are you selling? Huh? What do you sell in milk?
Crazy water.
Zombies are crazy water.
A president of the crazy water company, Mineral Wells, said tonight,
Corpus Christi will have to get busy with lots of work and advertising if it hopes to capitalize
on the health giving minerals of water from the
recently regrialed artesian park well.
So who's side would you be on in this because part of me is like not his.
Well, part of me is like, okay, great.
Yeah, people should be drinking water.
We got it.
But then yeah, he is a bottle or basically, right?
He's a bull.
It's bullshit.
He's also lying.
He's saying it has like healing properties.
It's just fucking well.
That back back.
Shasta. Come on, buddy. Shasta. What? You never had
Shasta? You never had a Shasta animal? Come on, buddy. What? You
never had a Shasta animal? The crazy one. You never had you
never had crazy water with both. Yeah. Yeah.
Did you? I'm sorry. Did you say crazy water from both ends?
Yeah. Have it meet in the middle
You never done it what you never been tube you never did double tube
You never
No, you never been water set you never been human water peded. Oh my god. No
Waterboarded from both ends. Yeah waterboard water. Believe me. You'll talk. Yeah, I'll tell you anything
I'm both man. I'll tell you my pen number if you water both me
Why reward me at both ends? Oh, it's called water both thing. Oh my god. I'll give you every I'll let you know when I lost my virginity and now it went
15 not great
Go ahead. Just oh
Talk about great. I made crazy water that day, milk.
Go ahead, Dave.
Artists, Bala, resident of Corpus Christi,
announced today he would leave this city August 4th
in an attempt to ride a burrow to New York.
What?
He predicted it would take him until late in the autumn
of next year to complete the trip.
What's he writing?
Is that a donkey?
Cause that's how donkey in Spanish.
Yeah.
He's writing a burrow to a burrow.
Oh, he need a bee.
Fuck, burrow.
Fuck you.
Can you ever talk to me like that day?
Fuck you.
Dave, your dogs are present.
Stop it.
Some goddamn respect.
Have some dog gamma respect.
Wow.
Donkey. Yeah, the poor, I mean, some goddamn respect. That's some dogdam respect. Wow, it's a... Yeah, the poor, I mean, truly.
That's the thing about something like that is people like,
wow, this guy's a hero.
It's like, this donkey is a hero, but no.
Not the guy.
No, don't.
That donkey was like,
hey, he's from Texas.
To New York, that's like requires a lot of different
clothing types of apparel for the weather. For the donkey. You're talking about for the man.
For the man. Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. He would need the donkey just keeps the same hat.
We're talking. Yeah. And glasses. We're talking about a lot of a lot more stuff for the,
I see what you're doing. We're talking about a lot more stuff for the donkey to have to carry if we're doing outfits right right so
Or you could just like you could also do that chip in just a poncho. I like that too. Yeah, I like that to sort of a donkey Hote
Oh nice. Yeah, yeah, I don't know about nice. Come on.
Fun. Jack White and Franklin right left orders tonight, not to be
to start this morning. Hey, no. Oh my God, the poetry. Yeah.
Jack White, Franklin night, left in the night.
Tonight. Shut up, Dave.
Left orders not to be disturbed this morning at one 30 o'clock when they
completed their 300th hour of tree sitting as as they did not expect to be
sitting at that time, but lying on their beds in the Chinaberry tree of
sleep and the right backyard on second street.
What?
What is happening?
You don't have anything Dave.
You don't know what's going on. We don't. There was a whole there was a whole
pole sitting. Are you doing the thing now? Are you doing rhymes? Don't you do rhymes?
There's a whole pole sitting thing now around this time. So you think tree sitting
is tree sitting to me would be a much less enjoyable
version. Well, they have beds in the tree. So what the I would not go to I'd be like,
there's another guy is going to do polls tomorrow.
Lying on their beds in the China buried tree. So they are just
being a little bit more. So these guys put out basically these guys put out a press release.
And they're like, Hey, when our 300 comes, I know everyone wants to celebrate, but we're going to be snoozing at that
month.
This is like the wackest David Blaine ever.
Yeah.
Sleep at a tree for a while.
I assume these are adults.
Half the thing.
Do not disturb.
Yeah.
They're saying, don't wake me.
I'm obviously sleeping my tree bed.
That people were like, this is pretty good. Do you see that?
Don't wake me up to celebrate the tree sleeping thing.
Right up there.
Sounds like a crazy person.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, thinking the crazy, the crazy part isn't even this tree sleeping.
It's the like expectation that there's going to be a celebration completely.
Right. Yes.
Yeah, there were watching your crazy. I know. I'm not sure. I be celebration completely. Right. Yes. Yeah. If you're watching, you're crazy.
If you're doing it, please, no pop rats.
Guys, please, we're regular people.
Yeah. Come on.
Regular tree sleepers.
Now, if you leave, I'm going to give it to the Mrs. Real Quake before we crash out.
Um, the stars are down North Carolina.
Okay. Filling station operator gives 25 years extra
meets death at a pointed time.
What?
That's what I was gonna say.
Carson Searle's 59 year old Filling station operator
who kept a 25 year rendezvous with death
was buried yesterday in the small cemetery lot he had prepared three days ago.
He called the shot I think.
I think this guy called the shot.
He 25 years ago was like I'll be gone in 25 years, prepared his grave and then three days later went in it.
Yeah, I know, killed himself, right?
Well, yeah, I mean, that is, that's,
that should not make it legal.
For 25 years,
Seryld had been preparing for his death
in the month of July, 1940, and he was ready.
Wow, so yeah, so this is 25 years.
He took him five. He knew the month,
and he knew the month.
Yeah, he has. He had an advent.
Funeral arrangements were made a year before he died and a minister was really weird meeting when he like, so next July I'll be going.
How do we want to do it? I'm thinking some wreaths, then just maybe cold cuts afterwards
with some sort of, maybe that Martin Ellie's dry side or stuff. What do you think?
Sorry, I just mean this is for you. This isn't for a lover. Yeah, next July. I'm thinking July 19th. I'll probably be out of here.
So I want to do something nice.
Casket wise Pine is where my head's at, but I wouldn't mind a maple
Yeah, whatever shine.'t mind a maple.
Yeah, whatever shine, I want a little mahogany.
And then afterwards obviously, Vialpies.
I'm trying to think of this.
Sorry.
We actually don't serve Vialpies.
I'll be new at all.
We actually don't serve food at the funeral.
A few days before, I'd like to see the plot and lay in the
hole. Try it out. Sort of see how that feels. Kind of see what's up with it. I'm going to
want to do installments over the next 12 months. So I don't have to just do one lump sum
a couple days before because I'm going to be doing I'm just going to be loaded with
good vibes. It's okay. We don't do blue ice. I'm gonna be swamped.
Do you guys do the suits?
What do you mean, do we put them on you
or we make a suit?
That'd be perfect, exactly.
Thank you so much.
So we'll do that.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
And then I'll be buried.
And yeah, awesome.
You guys are the best.
You're the best in the biz.
I will want a autopsy.
Oh, the government, we don't handle the autopsy.
Take all the fluids out of you.
That's good.
I'll be doing that a couple days before I myself,
but if you can follow the train you.
Yeah, we train absolutely people I'll be
ex I'll be
train you before with crazy water that doesn't sound bad yeah you want to do a
double do one of those kind of like airport pendulumy things that's fine sure
that sounds good sure slosh it out of me brother my brother owns crazy water so
that's easily no that's awesome some water awesome Yeah, give me a little water
Pintessent bringing back to life, you know, I don't think this isn't a laughing matter fuck face. Sorry
Christ have some respect
I'm terminal
Throughout last week
Surles visited his friends and relatives and told them goodbye
I like this. I like this. I like this.
I like this.
I'm not going to lie.
The downside is obviously you got to take it,
take your own life.
But the getting your stuff in,
or this is like packing.
It's just like getting it ready,
and then you zip the suitcase when it's time to roll.
Yeah.
Uh, he invited them to his funeral,
which he said would be sooner than they expect.
Don't worry. And then went to this cemetery where he scraped the weeds from his future grave and put everything in order.
Oh boy, this is a pigstie. Saturday, Sir Elizabeth told Russell Godwin, his employer, that this is a typo, that he must go home and get ready.
He became ill, apparently, without cause, and died at 220 p.m.
He poisoned himself.
Yeah.
He poisoned himself.
He had to.
He had to.
He had to.
Yeah.
I'm going home to be sick and die.
I will be back. I'm going home to be sick and die. I will be dying shortly.
Sirals oh
Dr. Jare Johnson who arrived as
Sirals was dying said he could find no cause of death and said suicide was
Impossible what no this impossible is nothing This is the worst doctor ever.
This doctor is terrible.
Well, there's nothing going on here.
The man is fine and dead.
There's that big gunshot to the head, but other than that, I can't put my finger on it.
Certainly wasn't poison.
Someone killed him.
He might have been praying.
Uh, Sir's story was almost unbelievable.
25 years ago, he lay dying of typhoid fever, but miraculously recovered.
And for ten years, his friends and neighbors were amazed at his recovery, and Sirles
finally told them his story.
For the last fifteen years, he has insisted he would die this month, but no one believed
that.
It's a weird one.
The Lord came to me in a vision.
He said, I asked the Lord to prepare my life.
He said he would spare me, but that I had to go before I became 60.
What a weird Lord.
That's just a God.
God's all about 60, like he's like, okay.
Well, I don't think that's what he originally was going let people live with 59 like that was just like that
Norma Donald bit where it's like the guy who like killed it like the devil told this guy to kill his neighbor and then like at the end
He's like and then that guy takes off the devil mask and he's just like hey, it's me 10
Hey, I was playing a prank on you. Yeah, hey, I'm not the Lord at all. You can live way past 60.
He just unwalls himself to live. I guess. Still even then I feel like I could not be like next Monday. I'm going to die. I'll just keep thinking about it.
Yeah.
He could put a little little stock in his tail and said it surely must have been hallucination.
Oh, sorry.
I really heard that way differently.
I know.
I knew you did.
I knew I was just picturing like broth up his ass.
This is what he would have wanted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But as the years passed, they all began to wonder.
Sirals put all his affairs in order. He seemed peaceful, although those around him were worried
by financial troubles and the wars abroad. By the way, he's like, it's all chill because I know
what's going to happen on a red dead anyway. I may be before we enter World War Two. That's true.
What I wouldn't do is like get my finances in order.
I wouldn't be like, if I have a week left, I wouldn't be like, I'm doing 2024s taxes now.
I just want to pay that down before.
A year ago, he visited an undertaker in order to cough and engage full directions for his burial.
Dr. Aaron McQueen, pastor of the Presbyterian Church, uh,
officiated at yesterday's services as Sirles had asked them to long ago.
Wow, I like that part too. I would love coming up with the soundtrack.
You know what I mean? That'd be fun. And the pictures they use.
The flowers. There's a lot of good plant. The equid sign. There's a lot of good stuff you could do here. There's a lot of good. You
can really. Oh God, parking. Jesus. I can't believe I almost left without having
that figured out. Services were held at the
Chromite Chromite Frino home as planned. He was buried in grave in Greenwood Cemetery
that he picked out himself.
Weedless grave.
The Lord said, I must go before my 60th birthday,
Sirl told his wife and children surely before he's dead.
I was picturing a single.
I just see my mind.
I'm picturing me.
I'm picturing me.
Can you imagine being his kids? No. I'm picturing me. I'm picturing me.
Can you imagine being his kids?
No.
That's so fucked up.
But wait, what's going on, Dad?
Well, listen, about 25 years ago, I should have died from typhoid, but I didn't.
So the Lord made a deal with me that I could have a life, but I had to go before I'm 60.
So you're not going to have a dad anymore in this era
where I'm probably the one who makes the money.
So it's just going to be you and your mom
and your brothers and your sister.
Anyway.
That's how it was foretold.
I got to go.
I owe some guys some money.
Yeah, is he like a dad?
Is this all about dad?
Yeah, I mean, no, this is the whole story. There's nothing
to take my thumbs if I don't give him the 50,000. I lost the pony
track. 20 years later, is that dad?
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa. Holy shit.
Well, how are you?
I have a while, little addendum.
Addendum.
I have a look at the time for jokes.
No, it isn't, but what a miracle.
By the way, I literally woke up yesterday, aged everything.
Don't think I've been out here living and having a second family and stuff
I have a family yeah
Well who are the people with you? That's my wife Sheila and these are you know three well, these are your brothers
Honestly, if I'm gonna tell you these are younger brothers
they
I'm trying to think how this could make sense. They were formed out of me
After my death and I came to yesterday
I was on my way to your house where you guys all live because I'm fucking fired up to see y'all
Okay, for starters
Run into Sheila. We get a couple cocktails
Get to talk and I decide I don't want to show up tipsy
after all this time.
I can see, by a puzzled look, you're a little concerned.
I would understand that.
And I decided, I did not want to show up tipsy.
I want to show up sober.
On my way to you today, turns out Sheila's pregnant.
We got into it last night.
I, a dead man has needs and I had just been really, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, what? No, it's a different guy. I don't know you. Yeah, get out of
here. Get good out of here now. Leave. I don't know who you are. I'm not even a, I'm not a dad.
Boy, that was, I don't even know what to say about what just truck. Well, that's what I really talk for you because clearly took poison. I
I don't know I don't know I don't know what I maybe paid the doctor
It also could just be one of those things where you've said something so much and it's just so
Embarrassingly you just got to do it, you know, I mean like you maybe but still they're saying this is natural
Well, the doctor said that but the doctor sounds crazy the doctor Lee showed up and he's like this guy's dying
It can't be suicide like we haven't done any tests. What are you talking about?
Yeah, I just still can't get over the wife and kids part that is very great
I really like you think they like tried to give him the silent treatment to like try well
I mean your father's in the dog house. Yeah, he's gonna die next Tuesday
For making them so yeah, they did have a lot of time prepare like they were ready
They should have been ready for I wonder if this happened before he met her
Do you think this like this was like deal?
Even then you'd be like she'll catch but there's one thing about me
Why are you single?
How come you're still single?
Well, it's funny story.
A lot of people aren't into this.
Well, there is one thing I didn't leave on my tender profile for a reason.
It seemed to turn a lot of the women off.
You're under 57?
No, no, I'm 5'8.
I'm 5'8.
No, no, no.
Yeah, I could definitely sit.
Well, you know, he's actually really sticking to this.
He's going to die within 25 years thing.
God, that's ridiculous.
Crazy.
Oh, Mussolini 57 today.
Let's celebrate that.
Well, happy birthday, and do you, Jay?
Happy birthday.
Premiere Mussolini received congratulations from Adolf Hitler and fascist leaders today as he
celebrated his 57th birthday happy birthday Mussolini. So you gotta be straight.
You're fascist. Happy birthday. You know he started as a socialist.
Did it? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I did. And he was named after Benito Juarez the Mexican president
But yeah, it's gonna be weird when Hitler's sending you stuff. You're like my god. What do you think he said? Yeah
Like a fruit basket you are so fucking awesome to me. You don't look a day over 56 don't let them them tell you you look any older. I love the way you nod.
Let's hang soon
You look great without your top on yeah, see oh, it's good. Yeah, he got it. Let's hang soon or go to an underground
cafe. Yeah
or go to an underground cafe. Yeah.
What's the next time?
I don't know.
This is a little, uh,
Ava just will not get out of my ass about marrying her.
Mostly anyone's.
I'm not sure.
War of such a funny hat.
There's girth news.
Yep.
Luggage of Duke of Windsor arrives in New York.
Ha, ha, ha.
Without the Duke.
The, the Connard White Starliner Britannic arrived today. Without the Duke? The...
The Conard White Starliner Britannic arrived today with 14 pieces of luggage marked in the
name of the Duke of Windsor, some of it bearing his crest as Prince of Wales.
The ship which left Liverpool 8 days ago, carried 778 passengers.
Its capacity is 1500 persons.
The immediate destination of the Duke of Windsor's luggage
remained a mystery.
Wow.
The ship's officers merely disclosed that it was sent unaccompanied
in fear of the back.
They lost the fucking Duke's back.
Jesus Christ.
They lost the.
I can't imagine.
I can't imagine. But that's so strange for like to be like, well, wait, what? But I'm the Duke. Where is it?
You go in on like a pretty woman shopping screen why am I why am I why am I
I'm a prostitute sex worker sex why am I sex working how well because you're with
kid Deluca and she you guys what how much am I charging?
Well, to well, to go out with Lewis, I think is his name,
it's going to be like three days and it's going to be like $3,000.
And then is it but stuff extra?
No, you're not going to do but stuff.
You don't even kiss on the lips.
You're not going to do but stuff with him.
He doesn't want that from you.
Good job, Gareth. His name is Edward Lewis. Sorry. Yeah, interrupt. He doesn't he doesn't even kiss on the lips. You're not going to do butt stuff with him. He doesn't want that from you. Good job, Garrett. His name is Edward Lewis. Sorry. Yeah, he doesn't even want that from you. That's not what he doesn't want sex.
He doesn't want sex. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't need what's what's wrong with him. He's really into business. He buys
he buys companies and breaks and dies big companies. But guess what? Through your love, he's gonna not feel great about doing that anymore.
And get over his hair.
You're gonna go to the opera,
you're gonna call it the,
you're gonna say you almost pissed your pants
and all the guys gonna go what.
And then Richard,
and then Edward Lewis is just gonna go,
she said she liked it better than Pirates of Penseiance.
Exactly.
Fly by the sea moment to moment.
Yeah.
So the second,
the sequel has butt stuff. No, no, no, no,
no. Pretty woman. No butts about it. Yeah. That's the sequel. Yeah. Jesus. So stop. I guess my
favorite quote is, oh, I'm not, you're not attracted to me. Of course he's attracted. Stop. Stop. Stop. Katie, we can sidebar.
We'll do the apple side bar. Our two person show version of any woman. We could do a podcast
about what Dave just did. Seriously. Yeah. Really good. Without flagpole in Salem, Oregon, the new state capital is still unable to observe flag
day properly.
Yes.
Although the building was completed two years ago, it has been impossible, despite several
efforts to get an appropriation for a flagpole.
Oh my God.
Can't just have like one dinner.
Yeah. Just like one potluck. Yeah, dude. Oh, just someone
pitch in. It's a fucking flagpole. Well, we're getting close. I think we're about a year,
year and a half away, maybe, if we play our cards right. They can't get the funds. There has to be one billionaire in Oregon.
Yes, but he hates America. Right. He hates polls.
It's, yeah, he does. Yeah.
And Ukrainians. Yep. Man, you're a Korean.
Average housewife can identify only few cuts of meat.
Whoa, you had one job, lady. Seriously.
meat. Whoa, you had one job, lady. Seriously.
What a what a weird article. Yeah, how do they do that?
Study. Well, listen, dumb women. We've put out a few cuts and see if you little brains can remember what they are. That's an eye. No, that's a that's a rib eye close. That's
bottom. That's the same one you were just holding. Alright, look, Megan's not going anymore.
Okay, this is an arm. That's ham. That's two slices of ham. That's right, the cow arm.
No.
In every way, no.
Nope.
Okay.
Black.
No, it's ham.
It's ham.
The back.
The back of what?
The...
The hairy one.
Don't answer any more.
Okay, listen, I have enough for the article.
This has really been dumb.
American housewives spend more than two billion
annually for meat, yet a survey shows everybody's yeti.
Yeah, the average woman knows relatively little
about the commodity she buys. What? I mean, what is what?
What is going on with women?
So women just go into the butcher shop and they're like two pounds of one of them.
Give me the round one.
Bage.
Man, I have more beige.
What really happens is people who have to cook every night get bored and just go, I know how to cook this.
And then they just go in and they just get the same thing.
He's getting that.
There's also some probably some class to it as well.
Yeah, sure.
A survey of by the national livestock and meat board.
By the way, that sounds like for cutery
The national meatboard
He's gonna just sit around and like
Okay, boys, where did it? What'd it really do anything?
Hey guys, I'm wearing these budget cuts and I do mean cuts might affect us because we are so superfluous. It's crazy
Hey, let's do a poll or something, right?
Let's find out.
No, we can't afford a poll.
Takes two years to get a poll.
What state is this in?
This is, we're still, I mean,
Chicago.
So that makes sense.
This is a very chic.
I feel like,
no, the lady, she doesn't understand what the meats are.
She don't get it no more.
It's like, the dollar from share.
Don't you got no clothes?
She can identify only a few cuts by name is generally unfamiliar with the variety of cuts on
the market. Usually depends on the meat merchant to make her selections.
But those meat merchants were probably raking it in. They're like, yeah, here you go.
That's everybody wants squirrel. Thank're like, yeah, here you go. Everybody wants squirrel.
Thank you.
Thank you, Rudolph.
Judging by their buying habits, the board concludes,
most women believe lamb consists only of rib and loin,
chops, and legs.
And I mean, this is just-
Impossible.
This is just such a shit.
It's like they've literally made up a story.
Impossible.
Because some guy on the meatboard is mad at his wife.
This is like when the guy said Martin Short was painfully unfunny.
Everyone was like, nope.
Didn't happen.
He said that.
That guy from, I forget, but some guy wrote an article.
He was like, can we admit that Martin Short isn't funny
and everyone was like,
the entire internet.
Fuck you, Ron.
The entire internet was like, go fuck yourself.
Yeah.
I can't remember what his name was.
Okay, so most women believe Lam
consists only of ribbon loin chops and legs
and that a beefsteer is mostly rib roasts, loin,
and round steaks.
A beefsteer, those are the ropes
that go around the cow's neck.
That's right.
That's right. In one Midwest Midwestern city more than 500 housewives were asked to identify
30 beef pork and lamb cuts none named all 30 correctly only one person in
30 30 30 30 is nuts hey listen beef listen beef fuck back up yeah back your
beef shit up like what the fuck you talking about?
This whole time I thought it was like they couldn't name two or something same
I thought there was basically like five cold cuts. They were having trouble with but this guy's like not one of these women
Could identify a hundred and forty different slams? No, they're taking like a fucking test and graduate and beef graduate school like it's crazy
Oh, oh foolish woman. That's not a loin at all. Boy
It's like they want them to be medical students. Yeah, yeah
No named all 30 correctly only one person and four could identify more than six
That's actually my right about myself. Yeah
The board said that though Yeah. This was insane.
The board said that though,
the board said that through lack of information,
how's why, how's wives are overlooking many cuts,
which could add variety and zest to the family meal.
But I think they were going to get,
I know it's going here.
If they were going to get rid of the meat board,
that meeting would be amazing.
Where the, look, we're afraid there's going to be some cuts.
Awesome.
We have a party.
No, no, the government is actually looking to make some really deep cuts.
Ooh, little romp, love a little romp.
Yeah, what do we do?
What are we going to do?
A little board, maybe make a party sub out of it?
No, we are worried about some of the cuts.
Oh, what are they like on sale clearance,
clearance meet or something like that?
No, there's gonna be cuts.
Hey, we're hungry, I'll give us the fucking cuts.
All right, go ahead and cut.
Come on, Al.
I who on first myself?
Findings indicated the majority believes
that the bone retained in the cut adds flavor to the meat.
But actually, test prove, this is not true.
Retailers say sales
of bonus cuts are gradually increasing according to the survey. Okay, so I know what's going on.
What? They are, they have a whole cow which they cut up into pieces and then they have cuts
that people aren't buying. Oh, oh, they created a story to shame women so that women would start using
more of the cow. Right. So they'll buy the interior deltoid cut or whatever. Right.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame. Shame based marketing. Right. I love a good dealt. Yeah. Did you see a spark?
That is so ridiculous.
That's crazy.
What happened?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, let's do one last one.
All right.
Foreman 91 likes cigars and whiskey.
Salt Lake City Utah two Salt Lake men both active in their respective fields
give conflicting recipes for long life.
Fields just means they're property, right? They're just in the middle of nowhere.
That's right. Yes. Yes.
The respective fields.
A and Fenton who goes by Foxy.
That'll do it. Just that in itself. We'll give you a long time.
Pretty good. Pretty good.
Is 91 and an active hardworking construction foreman interviewed on the job.
Fenton said his plan for longevity could be summarized in a sentence.
Smoke plenty of good cigars and drink plenty whiskey, but not too much at one time.
Pretty moderation.
That is right.
You're a politician.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Opposing the fentanyl theory is Rulon Wells, 86, the senior member of the council of 70 of the Mormon church.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Good night.
I was going to say this poor wives.
Yeah.
Mary girls under 14.
I just took another wife.
All the work.
And you know, they're very good at identifying meat cuts. Yeah, absolutely
Yeah, for sure
On this 86th birthday, well recommended if you want to live a long life shun hatred
Excesses and evil and be the kind of person you would like to live with
This is the Mormon talking. Yeah. Yeah.
And don't let black people into your church.
Also, that'll aid you like crazy.
Don't acknowledge black.
They were like, that's so sweet.
And blacks don't exist.
Okay.
We should we're going to actually pack up and get out of here.
We are good to go.
Ditto the boys and then move to another.
Tense ball was so sweet.
So we're actually going to pack up and get out of here.
We really enjoyed that first quote a lot
So thanks a lot for having us
I think it's safe to say they should probably have a hole in front of the magic underwear. All right, that's
Swimming with the lads. No, no, no. All right
They're a mood to another city. Is that door does that door go to the street?
Which one they which is the door that gets us out of here? Because I'm actually a little confused
as to which one was the original door we came in.
Once you in the church,
we'll just go through the window.
We'll actually go through the window.
No one will prosecute you for sex crimes.
You know what, we could dig a hole.
I think we could just dig our way out of here.
We actually, we're gonna jump out of the,
we're gonna go through the church.
It's like a pedophile free for all.
It was awesome to meet you, ma'am.
That was so cool.
Jump to the anyway, that's my
pitch for the church.
All right.
Still here.
Well, we went out on pedophilia.
As we always do.
Go out on a bang.
As the Mormons always do.
As they do.
Yeah.
As is their one.
Katie, thank you for joining us.
Thanks.
This is so fun. Thanks for having me. We love you. We adore you. Dave is blue.
I'm West. AT help. It's made adjustment.
H a stop a day. You're still very blue. I made H a L P S and YouTube the K helper show.
Yeah. And also my documentary you can watch that. Soon it'll be for sale.
You can find info on it at Comic Camp Film.
Doc Conn.
That's interesting.
So you're a, Dave, you're a comic who's so,
Dave, Dave, Dave.
Yeah, right.
That's good.
Did you see that?
Did you see that?
Did I use an iPhone?
You see that on Instagram, Dave, who came with us.
For doing what? Living in the capitalist world system while also believing in
increased
Galaitarian share. Yeah, is this the Eli guy? No different guy. This was on Instagram. This was on the dollop Instagram
So I had to go but but either way
Katie I've seen I haven't finished comedy camp because I just started it last night,
but it is a very heartwarming story and also a story of, I don't know, propaganda, I guess.
But yeah, people should check that out. And I guess you'll post information about that on your
socials, so people should just follow you there. To figure that out. I love what you say.
You're not going to survive climate change if you stick with capitalism
Oh, oh, and also I got a one-north thing to plug. Sorry. No, no
Patreon that patreon.com slash the Katie helper show
Okay, there we go
Yeah, I'm just gonna say really going against what you believe in that's what I have to do
Just ridiculous. It's almost like you live in the world that everyone else does and you're
Repented and packed it and you're gonna try to survive yourself That's what I have to do. It's ridiculous. It's almost like you live in the world that everyone else does in your dreams. But I have to pay rent in and buy food in it. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a totally up in ARP card so I gotta go I cannot do this anymore. This is this
Thank you Katie
Hey there people listening to the dollop.
This is Gareth, yes this is the same guy.
I listen, I have a new podcast called We're Here to Help that I'm doing with my friend Jake
Johnson.
It's basically a call and advice show where we don't say that we're professionals because
we aren't, but we try to help people with problems that are important to them.
You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts and it is out right now.
So go listen to we're here to help with Jake and Garrett.
We're here to help with Garrett and Jake.
I don't remember how we did it, but either way, fun, half hour comes out Tuesday, August
22nd, and episodes will be out every Tuesday and Friday.
We're here to help.
Friday. We're here to help.