The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 499 - John Dawson - Live

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Utah Territory Governor John Dawson. Recorded live in Salt Lake City. SourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! No! It feels like we're doing an unplug.

No, no, it's been... Oh, fuck it, it's been a while. Let's go! Gary! Gary! Fuck it! Fuck it all! Gary, I love you! I love you, sir. I love you.

And with Mormonism, I can marry five of you, sir. I can live happily in a rock side. That's a lot to say, sir. You got to make it concise. That's not going to be easy. Short, fortune cookie, big fortune cookie. Not scroll, not scroll. Yes, remember Dave?

The cutie pie. Okay. Sure. We come from California. The land of fire. Yes. Yes. Everything else.

Sing to the Dalas! This is a Bicycle American History podcast for each week. I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American history to a guy I've met. Name Gareth Reynolds, who is much more than a guy you've met, and he has no idea what the topic is going to be about.

I set the stage. October 21st, 1820! I don't think we'll ever be here in here 1900-something. I feel like we really know where the bread's buttered. Year of our Lord Jesus Christ. The first one, not the...

Yeah. Not the next one. Not the first one. Not the one from the squeakle. Let's not start making up. Let's not start splintering off extra Jesus. Yeah. There's a new one.

John W Dawson was born in Cambridge, Indiana. Okay. He worked as an office clerk, as a teenager, and then studied at both Wabash and Transylvania colleges. So he doubled it up. Yeah, for sure.

You got two degrees. I mean, I just can't ever here went to the college of Transylvania and be like, mm-hmm, for sure. No, it's just I picture someone waking up in coffins taking steak classes or something. Yeah. There's never a moment where anybody says they went there

and I go, that's the craziest thing. Yeah. What did you do about the Dracula's? Yeah, yeah. What are you studying? Which kind of water? You must be invited into the house at the college.

Yeah, Ram Stoker. No, in their, whatever, their lab or their place where they store shit. A piece of the meat from the Kentucky meat shop. Oh, good. That's important. Yeah, that's special.

You can taste it. Sure, for sure. No. It's like a Costco. That's right. So John Dawson became a lawyer and so it's going well. Well, okay, sure. He was also a farmer.

He enjoyed farming. In 1853, he then got into the newspaper business and he mentioned a printing press he started cranking out newspapers. Sure. The paper was very anti-Nebraskan. And he's from Indiana? Gotta fucking take a stance.

Gotta take a stance. Anti-Nebraska times. Yeah. Man, Nebraska still fucking sucks. An editorial. That means that the paper was pro-slavery for Nebraska and Kansas

because they were having a hole. At that time, it was the, you know, bloody Kansas. Right. Less bloody Nebraska situation. Broken bone Nebraska. Mm-hmm. I'm not sure what's happening but keep going for yourself.

For sure. And so he was also anti-abolition, anti-licker, pro-free schools and hated Catholics. Boy, I'll tell you. He loses you and then he brings you back for a second. He's like, fuck this.

Come on, hold on a minute. Free schools is good. Free schools and the Catholics. Let's hate the Catholics. Fuck the Pope. He should lead with those two. So you're following him and then he's like, let's keep slavery.

We don't need the Catholics anymore. He's got to understand. Anti-licker, you lost me there, really. Yeah. Just mind your fucking business. Yeah. So all of those things aligned him with the no-nothing party.

Mm-hmm. Dawson ran for office for the Indiana House in 1854 on the People's Party ticket and he lost. Okay. A couple of years later he ran for

Indiana Secretary of State this time on a combined Republican no-nothing party ticket. So they know something now. They know one or two things. They know enough not to just run on their own. Right. Right.

Yeah. So the Evansville Daily Journal reported they received a hand bill that, quote, makes some terribly severe charges against Dawson. A hand bill? Yeah, I think it's just a piece of paper with some shit on it.

So a bill? I mean, it's really existed. It's like... It's like a note? It's like a fax. I don't know. It makes a noise. I know.

Wait. That means... I'm not calling you. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up. Hang up and then dial your operator. I just want to get a... Now I feel like I'm signing on to AOL. That was like, remember?

Yeah. You're old enough. It's tough. It's brutal. So the Evansville, like I said, Daily Journal said, quote, makes some terribly severe charges against Dawson for which the sake

of human nature, we hope, are not true. For the sake of human nature? Human nature. So what's he doing, fucking horses? Well, I mean, even then I would say more to say for the fate of human nature. The fate.

The sake of human nature. The stakes are pretty high, is what I'd say. It's that stake. It's sake. It's not, it just means, God, I hope this guy isn't doing what they're saying. It doesn't mean, like, humanity's going to end. Well, I mean, they're making some pretty bold fucking charges against one guy.

Yeah, I mean, clearly, I think he's fucking horses or whatever. You're really sticking to your theory. You already know the fucking story. I'm not emphasizing about this dude fucking horses for it. You've read this shit. It turns out he was fucking horses. Oh, my God.

Oh, that'd be great. Look, a centaur. Wait, wait. Daddy? No, not a centaur. Not a centaur. Holy shit. Not at all a centaur. Oh, my God. I mean, it's sort of a... Never mind. We might have a centaur at nine or so months,

is what I'm predicting at this point. This band is really... I think they didn't go the other way around. I'll say that. Brutal. I'll explain later. Okay. Thank you, Daddy.

The accusations were that he was enjoying a lot of ladies too much. Okay. Whenever he's married. Sure. So, it's not great. No, I know. Mormons say one wife only. He lost that election too. Okay.

But he wasn't done. Two years later, he ran for the Indiana House as a Democrat. Wow. He's just like, I will try every party. I will... Now I'm a Democrat. I don't believe in shit. Let's do this. He lost again. Okay. What's next?

I'm a wig. His newspaper was backing Lincoln big time. Okay. And it's a Republican paper. Sure. John didn't have much political experience when he ran. He lost an election. But regardless, Lincoln was considering

appointing him to be the governor of Utah. Okay. It's just that easy. It's that easy. Okay. Well, there's a reason. Obviously, it's a strange call. This guy has never actually won office. Yes. He just has a paper. But it wasn't really a job that anybody wanted to do.

Nobody wanted to be the governor of Utah. Nobody wanted to be the governor of Utah. Okay. That's helping. Okay, relax. You don't need to worry. Absolutely fucking worry. So what about that guy that sucks? And John was actually open to it. I would imagine he would be.

Which put him in the head of pretty much everybody. Because literally no one wanted to be the governor of Utah. Is there a real reason? Yeah. I mean, it's full of Mormons. But why not be like, wouldn't you be, I'd be like a ruler. It reminds me so much

about Pacoform in so many ways. No, no, no. It's very, it's a very similar story. Is it? Yeah. Name one difference. Keep going. Okay. Also, the Indiana Republican party thought John was a huge

embarrassment. And his loose morals were really bad for the party. So they wanted him gone. Okay. So, he's being cast off to the governorship of Utah. Yeah, because Utah is full of Mormons. And nobody has any interest.

And everybody's like, they're, they, they, the metal massacre, like that, not pretty shit has gone down. Right. And they're also not Christian, you know, the traditional Protestant bullshit, the other fake thing. And so.

Yeah. And so, so they're just like, well fuck those guys. They're giving this near hobo guy. Okay. It seems like punishment. Sure. So it's a great way to get rid of him. Utah is basically a banishment.

It's a distant desert where he could be exiled. So perfect. Good lord. On October 3rd, 1861, President Lincoln appointed John Dawson as the third governor of the Utah territory. Okay. Okay. So, so it's happening. No one in Utah likes this idea.

They're like, fuck this guy. Right. I would imagine. Yeah. But they can't pick their own government yet because they're not a state. So the feds get into it. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. The Mormons and their leader, Brigham Young, resented the federal government for intruding into their lives.

And that'll end. Yeah, that'll end. It's a phase. Yeah. It's like adolescence. Well, that happened for a couple years, man. And then it's loving the feds. Welcome it. Oh my God. And they really, like everything

they've heard about John Dawson, they do not like it. So it's just a bad idea. So he rolls in and he just comes right in and gets busy, gets to work. Okay. What's he doing? Well, first of all, let's get all the Nebraskans out of here. They're fucking Mormons. You got to come in hot. You got to have opinions.

Right. The best opinion happens to be against Nebraska. Right. So he arrived on December 7th, 1861. He came to Salt Lake City, which is the territorial capital. Sure. Previously it had been Fillmore named after President

Miller Fillmore to recognize his courage in appointing Brigham Young, the first governor. So he gets a city for his bravery of naming Brigham Young the governor. Yeah. Okay, that seems like... Because again, you are

picking a Mormon and they don't like the Mormons, right? So it is kind of brave. Sure. I mean, I guess it is brave. Sure. It's brave. Like, going into a rack was brave. But that... You know, that worked out.

Yes. Yes. So the capital eventually moved to Salt Lake City because no one wanted to live in Fillmore. Okay. So they just gave him like a horrible place. Like, it's an honor. It's, you know, there's a hill about it. Oh, I love it. This is perfect.

This is just Fillmore. No one wants to be here. Yes, of course. Everyone will move to Fillmore. Yes. A city on a hill. Fillmore. Oh, no, below a hill. There's hills in particular. Well, either way, there's a hill and the city could easily...

The city below a hill. The city under a hill. Under Fillmore. My town. My town. Yeah. Yeah. I can see it now. No, congratulations.

Not a building we'll do here, too. It's really going to take off. Really going to take off. Yeah. You can see a lot of stuff. There's a lot going on. There's a lot to do. Yeah. Not a rock. Yes. Up on the hill. Yeah, right. But we're down here in Fillmore.

It would be great to get one of those cities on a hill, though, huh? Wouldn't that be great? It seems like a lot of these are available. Maybe we could just... It's better down here. You're more of a lowland. Lowland kind of guy. Sure, sure. All right, great. Great. So, it's Fillmore's under these rocks here,

I understand, right? That's right. Just dig to Fillmore. My home. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Not a lot of people out here, huh? No, not really. I think it's one of those if you build it, it's one of those situations.

And then not even then, yeah. Yeah, no, and then they'll... Yeah, right, yeah. Fillmore. Yeah, even if you build it. Population Fillmore. Yeah. Yeah. You know, people are going to drive by in, you know, 152 of the years

and there'll be signs everywhere that say this used to be the capital. The capital. Yeah. Anymore. Right. Sorry, what is going on? Who are you? I'm not a time travel. Son of a bitch.

Oh, hi. What? What did you say? Hello. Okay. Want to be a roomie in my town? No, no one wants to be a roomie in your town. No one wants to be there. People are going to drive by. It's like one exit.

What's an exit? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Did you see what I did there? Did you see what I did there? I'll tell you, I worked pretty fucking hard for nothing. I'll tell you, I worked pretty fucking hard for nothing. I'll tell you, I worked pretty fucking hard for nothing.

So John got here and immediately started pissing off all the Mormons. Okay. Which was his... I think that's why he was sent. Right. Until it sounds like... In his first address to the legislature, he pushed them saying you pay a 40,000

annual tax to support the union in the war. Okay, so that's good. People like taxes. Yes. And also, they were like we don't care about the fucking war. They were like, it's not our deal. Right. It's your deal. So even though John

was pro-slavery, he thought preserving the union was more important. So fight for the union. Okay. Interesting. He blamed abolitionists for the war because they pushed it too hard. Yeah, they were really they were really jerk-offs about it. Yeah, those are humans.

Enough. Ridiculous. It's all the legislature giving money to the union war effort would show people Mormons actually cared about the country and weren't disloyal. Right. And they were like, we don't give a fuck. Get out of here. We don't care about the country.

So... Go. Brigham Young really not down with this idea. He doesn't want to give any fucking money to the union or the war. He didn't think the US government would want Mormon money anyway. And he, at this time, he is basically

like the leader of the Mormons for lack of a better term. I think it's called King Mormon. Right, right, right. And he wears a crown. Yes. And golden shoes. And can fly little bits.

Just like one of those. Like Iron Man testing his suit. Hello. Hello. Easy. Hello everyone. Design. Brigham Young. And kitchen lasers on his eyes. Why did we use these? They did a couple times.

Okay. Brigham Young said, quote, they will want us to send 1,000 men to war. So they're worried if they get involved and the union will be like, all right, send some fucking dudes to kill some people. Right.

So they're not into that. I will quote, see them in hell before I raise an army for them. Is hell an option for a Mormon? Should that be on your radar? I'll meet them in hell. Assuming we're wrong, which is really unlikely. But if we're wrong, we're probably

really wrong. We're like, way fucking off. We went on a major limb with this one. So if we miss the mark by a hair, it's going to be a goddamn embarrassment. Holy shit. We got pretty ambitious, honestly.

I hope those fucking plates are from God. That's all I'll say. Those fucking plates are some sort of yard prank. They're not. So help me God, we are all very fucked. Yeah. Forever, too. This whole thing.

I mean, maybe we're wrong. Who knows? The plates get in the ground. I'll tell you what. I bet what happens is if we're wrong, we die and we go to Fillmore. That place is a shit hole. Oh fuck me. Sweet God. I don't fucking go to the church of Satan

before I go to Fillmore. Basically the same thing. If there's someone listening to Fillmore right now like, what the fuck man? Come on. That's fucking bad stuff. Pretty good. We got an RBS. We got an RBS. But we technically have the meats.

We have the meats. What do you do? Fillmore. Fillmore strong. Fillmore. Strong. We are plotting a coup of Salt Lake City as the capital in Fillmore.

We will take Salt Lake City. The capital's coming back. Fillmore. Fillmore. Fillmore years. Fillmore years. It's maybe not the smartest slogan to chant which I like. We like chanting. Yeah, we do. Hey, we just found a bunch of plates

here at Fillmore. Holy shit. They're saying that the Justice Plates were bullshit. These are the real plates. We got the real plates. Fillmore strong. Fillmore. We said that right? Yeah. Anyway, we got the plates if you guys want it.

Fillmoreman. Let's just throw some shit at the wall and get people here. Fillmore. We're back. Who wants a salty lake anyway? You're not gonna fucking drink it? Fuck.

Fucking idiots. It's a baby ocean if you ask me. So, as far as John Dawson Brigham Young said anyone who had been a newspaper editor

for 15 years must be a quote jackass. Fair counterpoint, so... I got no argument there. Sometimes when Brigham Young spoke he was dead on. It's gotta be weird when you're like

I actually agree with him. He's making a lot of sense over here. Oh boy. Wow. So, we have to ask him to leave. It's just his new policy.

Yeah, sorry. Or we get to answer your phone. It's one of the two. No, you would rather leave. We would really like to talk to your dad. What was he about? He's not a whore. He's not a whore?

I could probably talk him out of it. Garrett got on the phone with a Christian fellow on the way up. There's a billboard that says, you know, if you have any questions about God. And boy, howdy do I. It was really... It's quite a 15 minutes.

Can't get off the phone easily in those. I should probably get... Right, he is amazing, for sure. No, no, he's mysterious as well, for sure. All right, I think we're going through a tunnel. Yeah, no, he is miraculous. Couldn't agree more. Yeah. All right, I'm getting the facts.

I got a... It's bad. At one point he brought up the... What is it, the Holy Spirit that goes... What's the fucking Trinity shit? The Holy Trinity? And you called it a threefer to him.

That's all a bit of a blur. I don't know, I was talking in tongues for most of it. Some have threefer. Yeah. So they have 25 guys around the country that answer those billboards. During the Lord's work there, I guess, and your wife's like,

Jesus Christ. Well, the best was he struggled with the Bluetooth and then we had a miracle, he figured it out. No, they haven't. So a couple weeks later, the legislature passed a bill that would create a constitutional convention

to organize a state government. Okay, right, sure. John immediately vetoed it. Okay. He's like, you guys, that's not how you do it. You're not ready. I think it'll just be me for a little while, to be honest. Just get our feet wet with me first.

Start learning my styles. He said it was too soon for Congress to deal with such a task. Yes, you don't want to be setting up an infrastructure immediately. These things take time. And rainfall. We'll wait

till the government grows through a harvest. Unlike fucking Nebraska. Those motherfuckers. Eggheaded shitheels. Get me started. We're like no Nebraska. We'll be invading Nebraska next week, everybody.

I want to be clear. We are taking Nebraska. Do you understand me? Yeah, I just don't know why. We will attack and take Nebraska. It will be ours. And we're going to call the state Fillmore. It's over.

The state? Yes. Good that you're not pushing back anymore for me. The state. Not this state. Nebraska. That's cool. Nebraska is stupid.

That's a spirit boy. Last time I went through that I slid like 84 throats. I think I've just found my vice governor. So this bill I've been very popular with voters because they wanted a state. Sure, yeah. One reason they wanted a state was to make sure the federal government

wouldn't appoint people like John Dawson. And he's like, I take issue with that idea. So Utahns, what do you got to tell yourself? Utahns? Uterus. Uterus. So the Utahns just blew off John's veto and they just started organizing

and helping meetings. As the governor, I please stop. Because there's no actual infrastructure, he's just one person. It's like a substitute teacher. Yeah. You're not the real teacher. This will end up on your permanent record.

Yeah, but you'll be gone in like two months. Yeah. Then rumors started flying. He's only been here for like three weeks. Rumors started flying that John had made quote, grossly improper proposals to Tom Liam's

veto. Let's reanimate your husband. Let's put a duck heart in his chest and see if it works. Huh? Okay. Sounds great. I believe all kinds of crazy shit right now.

A duck heart and a human heart are about the same size. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think will happen to Tommy? He'll become a duck man. And then he will be my best friend. And you and I will wed. I thought you were bringing those all up here. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's going to be quite an evening. Oh, my God. Like, that's, like, that's a fucking... One for each wife. That is a heavy fucking... I couldn't do that. Well, yeah, there we go. Yeah, I mean, Tim.

Tim is always hanging. Yeah. I feel like I'm in a carnival. Like, that's like the... That was amazing. You couldn't lift that. No, my shoulder would break. For those of you listening,

someone just brought a truck tire in. So now, a couple years before this, the situation with the widow, two men had been shot and killed in totally different instances for doing pretty much the exact same thing. So just for women on widows. Widows are off limits.

That's how it goes to vagina. You can't go near it. What's that? I'm just thinking of the Disney comedy. Yeah. Starting working at your base. That's the voice of the vagina. You're not coming in here.

I'll catch up there. And when those guys got killed, everyone was like, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to shoot and kill guys who hit on widows. Sure. So the Deseret newspaper revealed the what? The what newspaper? Deseret.

The what? Deseret. Why are you saying it's so crazy? Deseret. Deseret. Deseret. Deseret. Deseret.

Deseret. Deseret. Deseret. Deseret. What's the... It's the original name of the original name of Utah. Deseret. It's, I just know it's a give away for...

Oh, that's a Mormon place. Yeah. So it doesn't represent revealed that John had made indecent proposals to the Reddit Williams? Okay. Okay. Okay.

That's it. Let's get the ghost out of there. She had been working as his housekeeper, which is how he became familiar with her. Okay. And apparently this happened at her house. So he's like, why don't we go to your place and you clean there for a while? And she's like, okay, perfect, legal. She was said to be so offended that she pushed him out of her house while holding a fireplace

shovel as a weapon. By the way, calling those shovels is overstating what they are. It's a spade at best. Yeah, oh yeah. Like a copper spade. Yeah, yeah. A shovel. Okay.

And what did he say? He was just like... We don't know. Okay. But he was probably just like, have you ever thought about going up with another man? And she was like, oh my God! Get the fuck out of here! You!

Or would he have been crazier? I think he was probably much more forward. He was. I think he was probably much more forward, he was like, why don't you like to put my stuff in your vagina? Okay, okay. Ever heard of Fillmore? Me?

I'm going to Fillmore and Fillless and Fillmore and Fillless and Fillmore and Fillless and Fillmore and Fillless and Fillmore and Fill... I'll tell you what, I'd like to Fillmore but then it'll be over too quick. So people hear about this and they're absolutely horrified. Sure. Disgusting. She was married once already and he died. She's done with.

Her life as a sexual being is over. Shut her down! She's done. It's over. The dead man was there. Have some respect. It's a tomb. Well, that's weird on a tomb raider.

Get the spade, get him out, get the tiny shovel. The Deseret News reported, quote, as soon as Dawson was informed that the deed will be divulged by the injured party, he suddenly became sick and crazy. Oh, okay. So they're running an article about how you're a perv and he's like, I live on the ceiling. This is my home. He made his will and sent his physician once and again to offer large rewards to the lady if she would make an affidavit that nothing of the kind reported had transpired.

I love calling a bribe a reward. I'd like to reward you with some money if you lie on my behalf. Also, what kind of fucking doctor is like, yeah, yeah, that's part of my job. Absolutely. I'll just put it on the strip here. I do bribes. I'm from a doctor. Here you go.

Go have this. He would like you to stop talking about the fucking stuffings. So, if you could, medically speaking, it's killing you. This thing you keep saying. He offered $3,000. Wow. Back then, that's $100,000. So fucking guilty.

By the way, yeah. So guilty. I know. It's such a double down to be like, I'm sorry, I was inappropriate. Can I buy your honesty? Is that wrong? Here's all the money. So what if Williams had already made an affidavit to Brickham Young explaining what John had

done? Okay. Brickham Young is also like, oh, cool, we can get rid of this fucking guy. So he's got the goods. So John hears that a newspaper editor is going to print the story. So it's a Mormon newspaper editor. So he threatens to shoot him if he publishes anything about his immoral behavior. So again, a nice double down where it's like, the idea that you're going to say that I have

character font is unbelievable. Now, if you do print it, I'll kill you. Do you understand me? The editor did not care and he published it. Okay. John then hopped on the next stagecoach out of town on New Year's Eve. Okay. So he's doing the governor Irish exit.

Interesting. So he seems very innocent. Yes. He's the actions of a man who are very, very innocent for sure. After he offered a hundred grand to Breimer, then threatened to shoot the editor and then fled the state that he's the governor of on New Year's Eve. That's right. Yeah.

No. There's no smoke there. He told the Utah territorial secretary that he was in charge. And left? And left. I'm in charge. No, no. He said the other guy's in charge.

Who's in charge? I've got to tell him. The territorial secretaries. This guy who's in charge of the territorial secretarial duties, he's in charge. Yeah, the state. He's the governor. The state. He's the new governor.

I'll be back though, probably. It's not too long. No. I'll be right back. Yeah. Once this all dies down, someone kills that nasty editor. I'll fax you when I'm close. Have you ever told you your facts on something Gremlins eating?

That wasn't a fact. That wasn't a fact? No. I was eating Gremlins. Oh, okay. No. No. What?

I'm not Gremlins eating. I disagree. The Deseret News reported John left under, quote, circumstances somewhat novel and puzzling. Yeah. Puzzling? Isn't that puzzling? And he said he had, and the paper said he had gone, quote, distressingly insane. So is he really, is he really lost it?

He's like, he's doing the pretend thing so that he can have a rationale to leave. I think that he, like he tried to fuck this lady, and this is, it's a state of Mormons at this point, and they all fucking hate him, and then he's like, oh man, did I just fuck him? Yeah. Okay. Because now he's like, oh, I can really get screwed here. Well, not screwed.

So he's terrified. That's what got him into this. Yeah, he's not going to get screwed. So the stagecoach drives out of the city. The stagecoach's escape is hilarious. If we run pretty fast, we could probably get him. So there's a mail stop on the route, and he gets there, and the station manager who was like, he's from the station coming up, but he's at the mail route for the mail stop for

whatever reason. Okay. And he tells John that there are people who want to attack him and assault him, and they're probably going to follow him. So he's like, cool. I was like, okay, good. Great. Good to meet you, mail carrier.

Yes. I'm super helpful on a weird little journey here. Good postman. Yeah. So thank you. John, as the station manager, he's like, well, you come with me and protect me from those guys. Okay.

So here's the plan B. Why don't you drop everything if you'd be my best friend on his journey where they're going to kill me, apparently. Do you want to do that? No. Buddy cop it, kind of. Nope. Please? No.

Come on. We'll stand back to back and point at each other. Nope. So much to learn from me. Nope. I'm over it. I got 48 hours to retirement. Fuck this shit.

I'm too old for it. But then you're like, hey, I'm learning stuff from this guy. Nope. Yeah. And then towards the end you go, I need him. And you bail me out of the situation. We're in that part of the story right now. So I need you, partner.

Bail out your best fucking buddy. Become the cop you need to be. Shut the fuck up with the nose. I'll bang you. There he is. There he is. I'll be your male man. Nope.

Dammit. You're good. So, the guy says no, obviously. And then the manager's like, I know this guy. Who says that? The station manager. I know a guy who will be your guard. And he sends for moroni closet.

Okay. Wait, moroni? Moroni. Okay. It's very close. Right. Yeah, right. Moroni.

Oh, that is who it is. Moroni. Right. Okay. Isn't moroni better though? Moroni's better. Moroni's better. It sounds like a lunch meat.

Right. Made from moroni. No moroni. Slicibles. Lodgeables moroni. My moroni has a first name. My moroni has a first name. So, we have to go pluck moroni.

What? Feathers off his waist. Is moroni some, was he some guy? Some important guy at one point. He's the guy on the top of the what? Oh, he's the guy on the top of the temples? What's he supposed to do? What's his deal?

Hello. There's a temple here. It's me. Can I get down? Can I get down? He's the Mormon flying zipper, the sign flipper. He's got like a little arrow pointing. We got one here.

Check it out. See that? Right down there's one. There's another one over there. Woo-rah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he's the angel that came down.

Oh, he's the angel that came down. So wait. So wait. So wait. This guy's like, I know someone who will help. He's like, fucking great. They're trying to kill me. He's like, it's an angel.

And he's like, I don't need it. I'm looking for a person. He's like, this angel is going to be really good for you. He's going to love this angel. He knows all the temples. So Maronai Klosson rolls up and he's like, yeah, I'll be your guard and John pays him five bucks. But, okay.

So this guy's just obviously named. He's named after the angel on top of the... In my head, he's like promising him an angel. So when a guy shows up and he gives him five bucks, I'm like, this angel better pass on this off. Yeah, okay. Sharp. Yeah, I'll pour.

Takes a bit pretty slow lately. I've just been on top of the... Yeah, I've just been pointing a temple for a lifetime. So John quote, Jason Luce also came up riding a mule. So just something that happened also that guy rolled up on a mule. Okay. Is that inconsequential? No, because at which I asked him to get off and let me ride

which he is. Oh, he's doing the police officer like, I need to commandeer this vehicle. He's like, I need your ass. Get off it. There we go. All right, human Maronai. It's you and I, Don Quixote, across this weird fucking state

till I get away from my weird bang history and bribe offerings. I then mounted the animal. No. Yes, how do you ride a horse? So John and Maronai rode ahead of the stagecoach and they arrived at the station two hours early. Okay. There's more people at the station than John expected

and they're eating dinner and they're starting to get really drunk and rowdy. Okay. Eventually the stagecoach arrives also. Okay. And at one point John went out to check on the stagecoach and found that people had stolen several blankets and quote, an elegant beaver robe. Man, I'll tell you what.

I obviously don't like the idea that you're killing beavers for a robe, but if you have a beaver robe and it's stolen, gotta be a low because that robe has to be unbelievable. I'm surprised they didn't try to fuck it. Yeah. Well, keep listening. Okay, great. John, what are you doing?

Oh, you wouldn't understand. I'm in love with a robe, Maronai, the non-angel. Thank God it wasn't a widow. That would be frowned upon. So then the group out of Salt Lake that had been pursuing John Right. finally arrived at the station. Okay.

And he's there. Robeless. Yes. At this point, the stagecoach driver revealed that he was Wood Reynolds and a relative of Widow Williams. Oh, okay. So he's an undercover. He's undercover.

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, most people in wagons are undercover, but he's undercover. He's undercover. Okay. And he starts verbally going after John, attacking him, calling him names and whatnot. Okay.

It's gonna hurt his rating, by the way, but keep going. Now John was in the stagecoach and he jumped out and made for the house, but he was stopped by several of the men. I feel like he was really fucked early in this plan. Like he got there and it was pretty much over. Yeah, yeah.

It was never gonna work. Right. They quote, began and continued a most serious violence to me, wounding my head badly in many places, kicking me in the loins and right breast until I was exhausted. Okay. I like writing about your own beating in that way. They were kicking me in the head.

My loins were bruised. My right breast was kicked. Oh, you kicked me in the loins. Not my breasts, you freaks. Owie. You scoundrels. Not my titties. Not my titties, you scoundrels.

Oh, this beaver coat would have been quite a protective layer from all these slacking. Oh, my booby is so bruised. His hired guard, Moroni, Yeah, where's he? Oh, they're really getting you. Yeah. His hired guard, Moroni Klosson,

joined in on the attack. Get him. He hit the shit out of him. Fuck this guy. He set his leg hard. Get his leg. Fuck him. The fucking biggest hit should have been that my name was Moroni,

you idiot. Come on the other side. I can't believe Moroni works for the Mormons. What an incredible turn in the plot. Oh, my lord. We've got our third act. One report of the attack said the attack was nearly emasculating, which led to rumors that John had been castrated.

Wow. Another. Oh, he wasn't. Okay. But that was what I would have thought when they heard about the loins. Right. Yeah, loins. Yeah, right.

Yeah, loins is. Sure. Ow, my loins. Not my loins. Oh, he's kicking me right in the loins. Wait, kick me harder. After they were done beating him, John said they carried quote on their orgies for many hours in the night.

So they just kept partying while he had been laid there at all. So where'd you use to just be a party before it became like a sexual party? I don't think they were all like, all right, we're done. Let's go fuck each other. All right, boys. Get the clothes off. Any holds a goal.

Let's do this. Moroni. Boom. There we go. All right. To the bar where the fucking won't stop. Yes. So eventually they leave and they left with all these possessions.

They took evidently owned. So they just beat the shit out of him, hurt his loins, his tits, and then they were like, all right, let's get out of here. We're done fucking each other. Yeah. This train ain't getting any randier. Let's go home.

So there's like no sympathy for John in Utah. He's the governor. No, he's the governor. Well, you just did to the governor in the streets. Yes. My breast. Shut up, governor. Yeah.

So no, when people hear about the beating, they're like, yeah, right. But Utah leaders thought they had to deal with the attack because of the federal government. Right. Yeah, this is Lincoln's gut. Right. The last things the Mormon needed was for people in the US to be more upset with them because they,

because some Mormons beat up Lincoln's governor. That's the thing you wake up the next day like, oh, shit. Oh, my God. We went full Mormons. Bro, bro, bro, bro. Do you remember beating the fucking snot out of the governor last night? No. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No, we beat the shit out of him. No. I was pounding his loins like a speed bag. Don't you remember? You were just kicking his right breast so much. No. Dude, dude, dude, dude.

I have a fucking beaver coat in my room. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. I remember I was dancing with a giant beaver. Oh, my God. Holy fuck. What a party.

Yeah, really good party, obviously. The guy from the top of the temple is there. I can't believe we don't drink. Do we drink? Bro, we just, what happened to us? We just got caught up in the eye. I don't think we do though, right? I don't think we do.

So we probably were pretty sober. Well, we sort of fucking crazy on this dude. Yeah. We're also not supposed to fuck other guys, but... Well, what's a Mormon orgy, then? I think you just have Pepsi. Oh, man. That's what I'm feeling today.

I got that Pepsi hangover, man. Oh, man. So, yeah, you tell leaders, like, we got to deal with this. John knows all the attackers, so he names them all. The old powerful governor. He hit me. And then that man peed my breast. My lawyers were...

That man really... Was not that hitting my lawyers? And Moroni, Moroni, fuck I always fuck it up. But you, most of all... You should be eligible, you son of a bitch. All right. So, uh... What's going on here?

I don't know. It's a new stance. This is very, like, Moses of you. So I got the fucking commandments. Let's have a little of the Christ's blood. All right, here we go. First commandment. Oh, it's a dozee.

Hey. So what is it? Thou shalt not ask me to read them unless I'm ready. Ah, come on, everybody. Take it away, Steph. Come on. Thou shalt not kill. Shut up.

Wait, what just happened? You're forekilling? Huh? Yeah. Or is that just not the first one? It's not the first one. We know what they are, because we drove past them on the fucking highway. Jesus Christ, calm down.

Did you get my list of ten things, Moses? Yes, God. Go give them to people. Oh, my God. It seems like you could have a better sister. I tried to fax them. They went into a clown car. They went through the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car.

And then some man who was eating gremlins. Over who? We're ready. So John writes a scathing letter about the Mormons to Lincoln. Oh, tattle. And he publishes it in the paper instead of sending it to Lincoln. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's like what someone posts about you, but it's not about you.

So tweet. Just so you know, really good friends are people who don't need to apologize for stuff, because they know they're caring. You're like, oh, I'm sorry. I said I was probably sorry. He claimed that the Mormons in Utah were lawless and hateful. He didn't even know. Not my Mormons.

No. Nope. Nice. Yes. He said they only wanted statehood so they could kick out federal authorities and protect polygamy. Yeah. Which is true.

Yeah. I think so. Polygamy is an enormous part. Yes. No. I'm hearing multiple. Now there's some. There's still some.

I know there's some that don't. We need a little cult like things that... But I don't think you got... How many of you guys are here? Well, wait. Back then it was not like... I know it's like... I know there's different beliefs within the Mormons.

I think it's still going on, right? At this point? Yeah. There's... Oh, there's... Yeah, but there... It's like... Well, how is he going to own a bunch of women?

No. To cover it up? Yeah. Sure did. But yeah, it's still happening. They still want it. Right. Right.

When did they finally say we don't want it? It was like... Well, they still do it. To get statehood, that's when they did it. They had to be all right. We won't do it. Find one. Fuck.

This is going to suck. What's your problem? Nothing. Wouldn't want a few of them. Such bullshit. Fucking with God's plan. It's going to have five to six wives, 450 kids,

and make jam. That's... simple things. Jam, 500 kids, nine women. Just like he said. Don't look at me like I'm a creep.

He's the freak. He's the one who wants it. Just listen to him. He's like, man, really, fuck so much down there. I really... I didn't get it.

I just got one. Not a lot of yields. They're like five to 20. It's nothing. It's a drop in the bucket. Not in that way. Not in that way.

Don't be gross. It's the first commandment. Thou shalt not be gross. Look at you. Maybe we just cap it at three wives. Alright, five, two. I'm just kidding. I know you won't want to.

I'm just kidding. I know you won't want to. Ha! I'm just kidding. I don't know how you're going to do it though. It's just... It sucks. Sorry, go ahead. Was that out loud? Go ahead. Sorry, I was just having a moment with my man up there.

He's a guy. He's a man. He wears T-shirts and has a robe. Go ahead. He's a terrible wedding couple. He's a terrible wedding couple. This is my fifth marriage. I don't know how to go. John wrote, quote,

The horde crimes that have been committed in this territory which have gone unpunished have no parallel among civilized nations. Okay, it's the government. I tell you about Belgium and the Congo, motherfucker. At the same time, Brigham Young upped his push for statehood. Okay.

He's like, this is not a state. He's like, we should probably get statehood. He said they would be able to elect their governors and wouldn't have to deal with any more men like Governor Dawson. Okay. Now, rest warrants were issued for the men who beat John. Sure.

But no one's in a rush to go arrest them. Okay. And then one of them locked Huntington. He was accused of stealing $800 from a mailbox. I don't know what the fuck is happening. Sure. There's just 800 bucks in a mailbox. Yeah.

And then they're like, I can't believe it's gone. I wonder if it got to where it's going. You can't get your hand in it. So... What a dumb bank. Hello. Checking. So now, you know, they've committed a real crime

and he has to get out of Utah. So two others join Lawton Huntington on the run. One of them was Maroney. Okay. So he's like, I just like fleeing. I like to run. I love it escaping.

As they escaped, they stopped in West Jordan where Lawton stole a horse. Okay. The family of the horse belonged to really love the horse. Okay. That's nice. Yeah, it is.

And the family members fought a posse with Chase. One of the men leading the posse was U.S. Deputy Marshal and Mormon hitman Porter Rockwell. Wow, you stole... Yeah. Stole the wrong horse.

Stole the wrong fucking horse. Yeah. Porter scored a course from Episode 74, a well-known tracker and it killed many men on behalf of the church. So that animal was like, who's this? Do we really believe in God?

It's really bad. So the posse gives Chase. At one point, Porter borrowed a stagecoach so he could chase in comfort. That's my boy. That's my fucking guy. What if I'm not on a horse? What if I'm on a nice seat?

Sit there hanging out. I want to enjoy this. Murder. So the posse caught up with the three criminals in Rush Valley and they were told by the locals there that they were eating breakfast in a house. Now, Law was very good with a gun

and he had previously had a shootout with another Mormon church enforcer and, you know, got away. Mormon church enforcer. Put your hands up. Put them together. Now look upstairs. Think about the stuff you want.

Ask me a nice. So Lot came out and the shooting started. Lot shot one member of the posse in the hip and then he ran but he was shot in his bottom. The ball lodging in his groin. Oh, right in the loins.

Oh. Oh, so he's got... Well, I mean, if you're going to put a ball in someone go where the others are. That's right. No! Got quite a full scrotum over here. I'll tell you.

We went from half capacity to wide open. This room is full. I guess I jerk off or what? Oh, boy. Oh, man. The posse yells at Lot to surrender but instead he jumped on a horse

and rode straight at Rockwell. Riding a horse after being shot in the balls? Slower, slower, not so much, slower, slower. Jesus Christ! Motherfucker! Saddle needs shocks. Do you have a hemorrhoid pillow? Rockwell shot and killed him. Thank God.

His last words... Bows. Right in the nuts. Moroni and then the other man came out and surrendered and Rockwell brought those two and the body back to Salt Lake

and turned them over to police. That horse was like, wow. Crazy shit. You guys are going to have to wipe the tears for me. As Rockwell rode off he heard shots. The Deseret News quote,

the prisoners supposing probably that the policemen were unarmed started to run and were immediately shot at and both killed before getting far away. Okay. So they made a very bad miscalculation. They don't have guns. Run!

Bang, bang. They have guns. That's the official record of what happened when a member of the posse said that the men had powder burns on their faces. Powder burns on their faces? Yeah, so they were shot. Oh, right.

No one in Salt Lake City came forward to claim Moroni Klosten's body. No. They told you this would get sad. Lunchables did. They're like, we would love to actually slice him into pepperonis

if that's putting him on a crack with some cheese Capri Sun. We're just talking about much options. But those people who are on the go make a little Moroni. Moroni.

So a policeman named Henry Heath felt pity because of the shitty clothes that Moroni had all when he died, so he used his own money and he bought him some nice clothes to bury him in.

What kind of... man, I feel bad we killed him. Let's get him a suit. Do it right. You know what I mean? He'll never use. His last suits, we'll call it. The tailor's looking at this kind of funny. So

the tailor's looking at this kind of thing. So this tailor doesn't seem to he finds this situation quite strange. Moroni was buried in the city cemetery and the county paid for the burial. So they took care of him.

The county paid for the burial, the cop got him clothes. Really short of not killing him, they did everything they could for the fella. Three days later. Oh, he's back. I told you. Where's my leg?

We sold it. Oh. So three days later Moroni's brother shows up. Broni. Broni? Broni.

Broni. So, Broni comes to collect the body. I'm here for Moroni, I'm Moroni. He's my brother. Did he Moroni? I might Moroni cry over this.

He wants to exhume the body and take it to the closet family plot. He just wants the suit. We need to get it out of here. So they want to bury him in the family plot. Alright, so he gets permission

from the city sexton to Hello. No. I'm the city sexton. Hello. You don't know what I do. Well, what do I do in your opinion? The church guy in charge.

Well, by day. But then at night I flip the collar. All bets are off. So, he gets permission to exhume the body. You can do whatever you want. I've exhumed it a couple of times, if you know what I mean. Oh, dirty, naughty, yes. It's me. When's the date time again?

Hopefully never. I'm looking a bang. So, they take it up and they open the coffin and they find it. Hello. They find a completely naked Marona.

Someone did take this. Man. That must be a really good suit. I feel like let's get him up. I have to have it. So, Marona is fucking living.

He's furious. He's like, they buried him fucking naked. They buried my brother totally nude. I can't believe they would do this. They would treat Marona in such a way. So, he storms back and goes over to Officer Heath and he starts yelling at him

for burying his brother that way. And he's like, I bought him fucking clothes and the body was dressed. By the way, I gave him a suit. You're like, bullshit, you didn't buy him a suit. That story doesn't hold up. But after a while, they convinced him

they must have gone to the tailor and said, yeah, this guy fucking sold us a suit. So, the brother is like, wow, this is crazy. Something's fucking wrong here. And so, they start

looking into it. And Heath goes to a judge and gets permission to start an investigation. And then he and four others go over to the cemetery. And the Salt Lake City Cemetery Gravedigger had worked there for three years. His name was

Gene Baptiste. Absolutely. Yep. He was scrawny. He didn't talk much. He came from Venice, Italy. Is he just wearing a real nice suit? Yeah, I didn't see shit. If anyone did it, I'd have seen it.

But I did not see the thing. It sucks about him, too. No, I'm not going to dance. This is just how I dress, I think. If you find any cufflinks in the coffin, let me know. Because, um, I don't want them. So, he

come from Italy to America. He spent some time in Australia. He'd been in San Francisco for a while. According to newspapers in San Francisco, he pretended he was blind and he begged on the streets. Sure, sure. But for about three years now, Baptiste had been the graveyard man

at the cemetery and people in Salt Lake called him John the Baptist. Okay, right. Little nickname. A fun nickname. So the police go to his house, but he's not there. Okay. And they start talking to Baptiste's wife

and she's acting really fucking squirrelly. I can't see. Who is that? Ma'am, oh, sorry. I'm deaf? No, you're not. Right. I'm deaf. I'm dead. Sit down.

Author Tom Wharton They decided she was half-witted. Okay. So they're just like, God, this one's fucking stupid. She's dumb. Jesus Christ, she's stupid. Holy shit. So they search his house and they find a pile of boxes.

And inside were 60 pairs of kid shoes and lots of burial clothes. Oh, no. No, no. So he's... His shoes. He's fucking livid.

He's disgusted. He's also panicked because his daughter had been buried in the cemetery and it seemed Baptiste was digging up people and taking their clothes. So the cops head to the cemetery where they find Baptiste and work digging a grave.

And he immediately demands a confession. Wharton quote. Wharton groveled in the dirt swearing his innocence. I just like kids sneakers. I bought him in a pay list. Inferiorated, he grabbed Baptiste by the neck and shook him.

This time Baptiste whimpered that he had dug up just a few graves. Oh, it's pretty sad. Yeah, right. We found 60 shoes. Okay, some 30. What's your deal? I'm sorry. It's not a commandment.

Heath dragged Baptiste to a grave right next to his daughters and asked if he had opened that one. And Baptiste said yes. Oh, that's one of the three. Heath then pointed at his daughter's grave and asked Baptiste and Baptiste said no. Heath hoped it was true,

but they had found clothes from over 300 graves in the hole. What was his wife think? His wife was just like shopping again? You're a real shopaholic. Oh, she fucking knew. That's why when they got there she was like

this one's fucking halfway. Yeah. Okay. So they arrest Baptiste. They put him in jail. On the rare charge of stealing dead clothes. The next day they bring him back to the cemetery

so he could point out which graves he had robbed. That one. That one. I should point out he was buried with 30 suits. Now you mean Rob instead of just dug up to the fuck of it, right? Yes. Then that one and that one.

So he only picked out about a dozen. Okay, only a dozen. That's where the bar is at. Just those 12 I dug up and took the clothes off the dead people and then reburied them and took the clothes home. Yup.

Is that a crime? I feel like that's 12. It's adolescence. Now they brought him back to jail but soon word was out and police told the public that Baptiste had not only taken clothes

but he had also been using the coffins of Firewood. Okay. You know, use everything. When you shoot a puppy, you use it all. Absolutely. It's the same thing. You burn them to all of it.

That part where it's like so you just dug up those 12 and took that track. That's it. Some of them obviously were used the caskets were fired. And that's everything. That's words and all, guys. That's everything I did.

So if you are going to exhume some of them you'll find that it's just naked people in soil is what I kind of left it as. I guess in retrospect for you the family members, that's very scarring because for me it was fucking weird honestly to throw the naked body when I'd be

wearing the nice clothes to throw the naked body. Anyway, you guys were ready to talk and I just kept going which is so dumb of me. So think what we're all saying is the same thing. It doesn't matter what someone is buried in. That's not what this is about.

What matters is where they loved. The lord will still carry on the same even though there's nothing down there except for skin from a person who has clothes less and casket less.

A lot of people think that was on one of the plates. Actually, well pretend I didn't say anything. I'm starting a new religion where the clothes and the coffin prevent you from getting into heaven. I am merely escalating these people to the next

level and keeping their clothes because I hate waste. Honey, just don't make me give up your rope. Absolutely not darling. Absolutely not. So,

people are fucking macked obviously and soon hundreds of people are surrounded with jail. They want Baptiste. They want to tear this guy apart. I would be furious. They want to know if their loved ones have been dug up robbed and left naked. Baptiste admits he had been stealing clothes from the

cemetery for nine years. I thought he only worked there for three. Yes. So, he had six years previous. Yes, and then he got hired. And then one day someone was like, do you work here? And he's like, yeah. Yeah, I do. Who hired you? Yeah, Greg hired me

for the, yeah. Oh, I didn't see your paperwork. Yeah, I work here. Yep, so, great. You pay me to do this now, right? Awesome. I mean, not that I've been, yeah. I'm looking over your resume. Sure. Do you have any experience digging up bodies? Oh my god, do I? Yeah. Recreationally, not

professionally. Oh, it's just like a hobby? It's a hobby. In my personal life, I've I got very good at digging. I've always been a bit of a digger. Yeah. And then, you know, just so, yeah, I'm very good at digging a grave for sure and filling it. Okay. Yeah.

It's interesting. Yeah. And if you ever need to get a body out for any reason, I know how to do that too. And if that body needs to be de-clothed, I'm your guy. I have a long, I'm perfect for this job in every one. I mean, I've been doing it for

60, I mean, nothing. But yeah, so I'm ready to join the team. Let's do it. Let's put some asses in caskets. So let's do it. I'm ready. You're hired. Thank you. Thank you. I know my way around

really well too. Yeah, so things got easier the past three years because he was the city grave officially. It turned out when he was arrested, Baptiste was wearing two shirts he had to remove from a corpse. So at work, he would just kind of be like, perfect, and he'd

put the shirt on, right? Yeah, he was. He must have. Otherwise, he's like, boy, I got somebody's shirts, I'm going to wear them two at a time. Police took all the clothes from his house and spread them out in the main hall of the courthouse. Oh, my God. And then hundreds of people came through to look

to see if they recognized a dress or a shirt they had buried a love one in. Oh, my God. That is a good time. Oh, every once in a while someone would sob or scream when they recognized a piece of clothing.

I mean nine years. Nine years of taking clothes off a body. It's a lot of clothes. You can open up your own store. Yeah, no, yeah. This is how coal started. This is the story of

the Burlington Coat Factory. The Detroit Tribune Center reporter. I like the Detroit scare. What the fuck is going on? I don't know how this happened, but the Detroit Tribune Center

reporter, quote, the prisoner does not seem to realize the enormity of the crime committed. He seems rather to be possessed of dull and blunted sensibilities than a corrupt and depraved heart. I wonder. Do you just kind of doubt what it sounds like? Sure, but it seems

like, I mean, I don't know. I mean, even dumb guys know, like, don't dig up the body and where the shit is. I mean, like, maybe two, but you wouldn't be like, I have nine years of digging up three a day, of taking everything. I'm so stupid. Me no, no, no better.

Me dumb. There's a wedding coming. I hope someone dies. That's a crime? You're not allowed to do that? Whoa. News to me. So Brigham Young tries to calm people down. Everyone relax. It's

kind of okay. We believe a lot of crazy shit after all. This isn't that crazy. If he just said he was looking for plates, they'd all be like, you're off the hook. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was looking for plates. A large crowd gathered in the Mormon Tabernacle. Young told

him what Baptista had done was so horrible he could barely comprehend it. Okay. Life in prison, hanging, shooting would all be appropriate punishments. Sure. All of them. Right. But instead, Young wanted to exile Baptiste

somewhere where he could live his life in total isolation. Wow. Okay. I'll take that. He explained he himself. Yes, Fillmore. Off to Fillmore. Welcome. Young

explained he himself had several relatives in the cemetery. Good news, though, at the resurrection, they would appear as glorious as they were the day they were laid to rest. That's what Brigham Young was like. They'll have clothes when they come back. Better clothes.

They're all getting big makeovers. And when they come back, they're going to jump through old pictures of themselves to show you the new them. So, still, some people wanted to dig up their relatives, put them in clothes, and bury them in their gardens where they could make sure

they were safe. The only rational thing to do is to turn every yard into a cemetery. Under the carrots. There we go. That's right. Where nobody will go. The only thing to do is to stuff them and keep them at the dinner table with us. They will eat with us

from now on. We're going to mount them like the heads on a wall. Your whole family. And some did. Some dug up their relatives and put them in their own yards. You're coming with me, Grandpa.

You're coming home, baby. But after a minute time passed, Young suggested those people should take the coffins back to the cemetery and leave them to rest in the proper place. Some people are like, alright, it's been a few years. Let's dig him up again.

Put it back there. The carrots are great, though. I swear to God. He is the carrot whisperer. I don't know what Grandpa is doing down there. But the carrots have never been juicier. So big and tasty.

So, there's no record of a trial against a Jean-Baptiste. But people described what happened to him. The words grave robber were tattooed on his forehead. Anyway, good luck

meeting a new lady. So, you want to be a groundskeeper. You have a wealth of experience. It's just, we're worried you might do some weird stuff.

Why? Well, again, the resume is unbelievable. Six years digging graves pro bono is quite an internship right off the bat. I guess I'll call it the issue.

We're worried about theft. Why? Just because, clearly, you have grave robber tattooed on your face. Oh, that's grave robber. I put robes on graves. Very interesting twist.

I, uh, so as opposed to taking stuff, you're giving stuff. That's right. A grave robber, huh? Mostly fever robes. You are a no-brainer for this company. It's weird, and we're very excited.

We'd love to get a look at some of these robes. Yeah, I'll have some a couple of weeks. Great. So, get started. Get started with what you do. And, yeah, as soon as we can, let's start robin' them. Let's start, bring the robes down here. Let's start robin' them.

Sorry about that judgment earlier. I've never been very, I never know. How many Bs are in words? To be fair, I didn't want me to put it on there. I just thought it was funny. Well, it was dumb of you to put what on where. To have a tattoo on it.

Yeah. Everyone wants to talk to you. It's a conversation starter. We are so glad to have you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, you can leave now.

The interview is officially over, and you've got the job. Oh, fuck, thank you. I don't know. So, you're hired. So, nothing to do now, but get out of here and get started. Jesus Christ, I can smell them. Sorry. To smell the robes.

Sir, excuse me. That one. Sorry. That one is four years old. I'm sorry. Are you doing, is this like a robe calculation? Because you just... Why are you rubbing your legs?

So, you're... Stop caressing yourself, sir. It's a... Okay. Well, get out. No, I don't smell anything, but I've always had a pretty bad sense of smell. All right, I'm going to leave my own office,

which is strange, because I was sort of seeing you leave after the job interview, but I'm actually... I'm going to lock the door. I'll leave you in here for a couple of days, and then we'll come back. And, you know, when I said you're hired, I just... that is a...

I'm hired. Oh, my God. Okay, all right. So, yeah, I'm just going to... I'll put this candle out, because that's going to darken the room, which I like. We use candles. And I'll... Just to...

Do you have a knife? Is that what's in the front of your pants? Because I'm just sort of curious what... I'm going to go. I got to go. I'm going. I'm going. By the way, great outfit. You really want to dress. Thank you. You have a great fashion sense.

I've never seen anyone with five shirts on at the same time. What an awesome look. Layers are very... So, Baptiste was taken to Miller Island, a small island in the middle of Great Salt Lake. It was surrounded by very deep water. It would later be named Fremont Island.

Sure. There, he lived in a small shack alone. Okay. There was a brackish spring that he was able to use for water. All right. Island's not too small. It's like two hours to walk across. By the way, I could totally handle this. Sure. Yeah.

It was very rocky. There were gulls and pelicans and lizards and snakes. It was very hot in the summer, very cold in the winter. Uh-huh. So, these guys had cattle out there, the Miller Brothers. And so, they would come out every third week to look after the cattle, and they were going to give him food and check up.

That was the deal. Okay. They're supposed to. Right. Okay. Baptiste, they said, was just thrilled not to have been executed. Hey! Hey! He said... There's, uh...

a man who's in the show in his mind. Yes. Ah! The microphone! Uh... The brothers said Baptiste was absolutely terrified of death. Yeah, I know. Shit. Yeah. I just feel like someone's going to take all my clothes.

Who will rob the robber? The first time the Millers came to see him, Baptiste was inside the small shack. Hello! The second time they came to see him, he was gone. Bye! There was one slaughtered cow, and he had taken the hide, cut it into strips,

and used it to tie together a raft. Okay, so he's... So this... Where's he going to go? So this dude is making a... He killed one of the cows, and now he's making an escape from his Salt Lake Island. Yes. With Grave Robert tattooed on his head.

Right. Just got to start a new life. I'll change my name. No one will know who I am. Headbands! Yeah. I call it the bandana! So no one knows what happened to John Baptiste. Absolutely nobody knows. After that?

Nope. He's gone. He's gone off the island. It's very, very easy to drown out there in the salty water. If he'd gone back to Salt Lake City, clearly people would have seen him because of the Grave Robert shit. Maybe. Forehead.

Some people said they saw him in Montana. People might have just been like, you remember that cow that walked on two feet? Just think about that cow. Remember we pushed it, it said fuck off. Asked where the cemetery was. Wouldn't get milk out of the weird udders. I think about him from time to time.

But basically, John Baptiste's the Grave Robert just vanished. He just took off. The other men who beat up John Dawson were tried. They later claimed they had been acting under direct orders from the Salt Lake City Police Chief. Okay. John Dawson returned to Indiana.

He was now even more unpopular. Hello, I've returned a great hero. You thought Nebraska fucking sucked. Holy shit, have I got a place for you? It's a state. There's a place where you can't fuck widows. You believe that? When dead people's clothes are a fire sale.

So he was now even more unpopular in Indiana than he had been when he left. He better end up in Nebraska. He then wrote a letter to the Fort Wayne Times saying that if Utah government, if the Utah government would give him more discretionary power and a bump in salary, it would allow him to keep up in Salt Lake society

and then he would quote, make a very nice thing out of governing Utah. Wait, wait, sorry. He's still like, I'm the governor. He's still, after all that, he's like, all right, well, we've had some growing pains. Like when you guys went loin crazy on me.

But I think we've learned a lot. Let's give it another shot. Take two and I want a raise. The problem is I need more money to do what I do. I'm going to need a bump. I'm pretty good. And they tattooed dick hole on his head. Oh, that's a lot.

Naturally, reporters looked into it. The People's Press of Bluffton said giving a title couldn't quote, change a felon into a statesman nor elevate the groveling and bespotted appetites of the low and vulgar to those of the philosopher or Christian. Exactly.

Like I always said. Of Dawson, the People's Press wrote, quote, he is a poor, despised and hated ruffian without a solitary friend of any influence on earth outside of his own printing office. By the way, that is pretty much what it takes to be a government official, right?

This is not the first time that the community has been sickened and disgusted with the infamy and crime of John Dawson. So nobody, when he got back there, nobody wanted to hit him. And he's not the governor? No, he never went back.

He lived out the rest of his life as an invalid in pain. I don't know why. I could have forgotten why. My loins! Whenever it's humid. Oh, there must be a storm coming, my breast aches. I'm like a walking Doppler.

He studied local history and then he published a biography. Did he start a podcast? He published a biography of John Chapman, or as he is now known, Johnny Appleseed. Oh, what?

Yes, John Dawson created the legend of Johnny Appleseed. What? I love you, David! Good chapter! You thought I was done? Oh, I'm not done. Take a man's beaver coat.

He died on September 10th, 1877. Wow. Johnny Appleseed. I mean, of course he came up with it. It's natural. I just thought about it. Sources,

TheDesert.com, True West Magazine, Tom Wharton's book, It Happened in Utah. It sure did. It always does. The sole interview in the article third,

Governor was run out of Utah for three weeks. That's a book title? It's a newspaper title. It's not going to be in the Philippines. What a crazy state you live in. Now let's beat the fuck out of him! Dibs on loin kicks.

Wow. You guys come from a weird fucking place. Everything's church. Stand up if David's touched ye tonight. The power of the Anthony is inside of ye. Yes, confess yourself. I don't want people to think we just make fun of Mormons. We make fun of all religions.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just like, in a world of crazy religions, Mormons are like, hello, let's go out over there. It's so hard when you start so late. You got to bring some fucking flash. Yeah, we've heard this all before.

They're like, well, you get a lot of wives. We're listening. Crazy underwear. All right. Angel lunch meat. Mmm. Mmm.

Let me get a Maroney on wheat and... It is crazy here. Yeah, I don't know what else to say, Dave. I don't know. Just a... It got weird. It got real weird. And it was weird before

John Baptiste was involved. It was really weird. And then in the third act, a man just was taking all the clothes. They tattooed Grave Robb right his head. He went to his own fucking Shawshank Island. And then he, like, cow yotted away. That's right.

And out of that was born Johnny Appleseed. And then that's where we get Johnny Appleseed from. Of course. Is this the story you can tell your kids? Yeah, absolutely. You're beautiful. Sir, thank you. You're beautiful.

And I'm not very quiet, but very beautiful. Guys, thank you so much for coming outside playing. We appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.