The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 5 - The Past Times with Naomi Ekperigin

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and comedian, actress and writer Naomi Ekperigin. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Naomi Asparagus. Hi Naomi. Hey how are you? Honestly I am a buzz with nerves. Okay how are you? I'm a buzz of nerves because Naomi you are conquering Netflix with the stand-ups a 30-minute special and yeah dynamite wall-to-wall dynamite. Really it must be I mean it has to be kind of like nice to have a moment where you can actually kick back for a second be like I fucking have something nice thing there's like a thing there's people are talking about it's during a pandemic I

recorded some shit yes it feel good it really does I said I must sit down in January I said you know what I mean like yeah was that feeling and I had we taped it in August and it was initially supposed to come out in October and so I had all I was initially be like when do I get to like be done and so now that it's out I was like I get to take a break because yeah and what a great time to take seriously to be like yeah I'm good for a minute why there's nothing going on so check that out that's the stand-ups that's on Netflix that's out now obviously you also have a podcast called couples therapy and your social media

are you the same on Instagram you're at black dress on Twitter black dress comedy on Instagram because somebody came through someone came with me I did that I loved it on Twitter so I thought I'm nabbing those this is Gareth that's so yeah actually that's the name of my my first stand-up album black and Dave I really think it's Poland bigger in black dress actually you're talking you're actually writing a couple ways his first album is called colon and it is a disgusting album that no it's just it's all about it's about my inside so I really reveal myself yeah Dave misunderstood what it means meant to

like show himself in a special so we're just gonna go through a paper and Dave what when oh when you ask well do you want to guess Naomi you want to guess what year a lot of her 1800s right okay I'm what if it was November 17th 1894 if this is right okay I'm gonna go 9 10 1866 you're both so here's the I'm throwing a curveball in this one curveball yesterday yesterday January 13th 1970 interesting David the Star Tribune in Minneapolis Minnesota the great town yeah well there's nothing you know I don't want I I don't go through the really hardcore news stories we pick up the fun stuff so well most of the

we're already on page two okay because that the old papers a lot of times the the sequencing is is honestly but it's like how a Chinese paper would be read by it's like the craziest news is last and then the and then and then like the beginning is just like Doug ran welcome people in right it's a slow burn the amuse-bouche exactly being like see you know you want to read and then by the end it's like kill yourself that's how we do it oh here we got on page two we have like an old-timey ad with the headline why are you a bore wow what I'm interested in this I'm interested in this article immediately why am I a

bore let me read about why I'm boring a noted publisher in Chicago reports a simple technique of everyday conversation which can pay you real dividends social and business advancement and works like magic to give you poise self-confidence and greater popularity whoa is this a cocktail you're telling me it's a phrase that will make me feel pretty and make people like me yeah this is like that trainer on YouTube videos he's like there's one food that if you eat you'll have a six-pack where you're like wait I would feel like I would have heard about it by now I think they're saying that this

guy's is gonna teach you how to talk to people right right according to this according to this publisher many people do not realize how much they could influence others simply by what they say and how they say it this is you said 1970 or like 1570 it feels very 1570 it's like did you know that words have meaning and that interaction is talking can be an extension of you have you considered that if you don't just stare at people and you can verse with them how far you can go most men believe standing in the corner sipping a beer rubbing their crotch is the way to be the life of the party whether in

business or at social functions or even in casual conversations with new acquaintances there are ways to make a good impression every time you talk I mean are you in I am in I mean this is almost like it's like they're stringing me along I'm saying get to it it better be a 24-point font yeah it also it's like I'm already kind of bored by the person telling me how to not sound boring yep I agree yeah to equate the readers of this paper with the easy to follow rules for developing skill and everyday conversation the publishers have printed the full details of their interesting self-training method in a

new book adventures in conversation so okay okay you know I just noticed on the third lead-in to the same thing that these are the publishers we don't know who these people are okay these publishers could be two dudes named Ted and they're saying we got up enough money for a newspaper ad what do we want to do all right I say we give them the same ad three different ways oh Ted well I'd agree I think maybe four different ways and then direct them to page Z7 for the tag I can't a book on how to talk well they're not it will be mailed free to anyone who requests it no obligation

simply enclose a dime to trap postage handling no send your name address and zip code to conversation what okay okay to conversation did you say then to conversation like it's Santa in the North Pole to conversation they're like oh we'll get it one conversation lane conversation California 90210 they don't even need in this time and even didn't even need to put the address because the postman gets it goes this one's another one for conversation I say just you really putting a lot of the post person to be like oh fuck where was that again I know where argument is but where's conversation do you think this

was the original March of Dimes just send it in people sending in dimes trying to figure out how do we get these dimes to conversation seriously what is the I mean there's an address here but what is the what is the I mean they must then say like oh sign up for a conversation course in a big you know page ask about the weather yeah like the weather today Dave I like I like your version of how to have exciting stimulating conversation is weather chat time did you see did you see the news the last evening actually yeah I saw a wonderful ad about how to have a conversation right here in the news have

you talked to Dave lately he's so much better than he was it's like he's reading it's like he's a meteorologist hey guys it's like hanging out with a Doppler I saw a puppy and a cat wow this guy pull a seat up someone read a book on out of chat Gareth if you want to know how I learned to talk like this are you okay you're starting kind of stilted in a lot of this I can take you there I learned a hole in the back of your head with blood coming I learned I learned how to conversations you okay why aren't you blinking join me that's wild and now can you tell me how big of an ad that is that a full page is that a

quarter page no no it's it's like less than a quarter page less than a quarter okay yeah all right I'm gonna write by the way I'm addressing an envelope tonight to conversation and just seeing what happens I love that idea because my mom used to always suggest to me you know when I wanted to be an actor or comedian she's always like you need to write to Oprah and that's all it would say so I write to Oprah so I'd be like Oprah at one Oprah Lane Oprah Illinois Harpo Illinois were you really writing letters to her no I didn't do it my mother told me was to write to work for it's work for so many people yeah that's

how I got here that's how yeah Jeanine Graffalo David Cross it's really those comics from the 90s from the 90s comics Zach Galifianakis she's the producer of the comedians of comedy okay well here's on page three there's a tense story bomb thrown at bank oh New York New York a firebomb was thrown at the Midtown offices of the Bank of New York before dawn Sunday but caused only minor damage police said the bomb cracked the large front window of the bank on the ground floor of the CBS building at 6th Avenue and 53rd Street the firebomb ignited but the flames did not spread is that a bomb being thrown at the CBS building and not

a bank you got a lot of questions for the guys in charge you know the bomb was thrown at a build a weak arm saying they had a weak arm so it was meant for the bank yes but it hit CBS do you see and that's really the new story that's the story there's like how did you miss so hard and and it is also got to be very like a big letdown when you're with bomb only smashes a window and you're like that could have been a brick and I would look at way less jail time I mean could you imagine you throw a bomb and all you hear is thunk saddest moment it comes out the window she's like I like the way this sounds but it's also to me like

imagine like New York 1970 and you just in Midtown trying to live and then some random bomb or rather it's like I just feel like as a New Yorker I can just see people turning around being like who this bitch it's not Chicago yeah get out of here is the big apple our bombs go off you need a bigger apple if you wanted to go off that's the truth all microwave oven all my loving the start pal loving the start all microwave ovens will be checked what surgeon general Jesse Steinfeld surgeon general electric okay announced Monday a repair survey of all 100,000 microwave ovens in use as a follow-up to a random government

study that found one in three of those tested leaking enough radiation to present a health problem where are these microwaves where are the microwaves what is the space because you telling me one in three microwaves is leaking but we don't know where they are oh it's just quite I mean it's it feels like an amazing race game find the microwave find the leaky radiated microwave by the way it sounds like you'd be better off throwing a microwave at the CBS building that's absolutely yeah whoa wait yeah that's great you see like for the green like boom boom boom boom hello okay I mean that's all there is that's the whole

story they're like hey look that it's a newspaper in this so alarming 70 and they're like hey one out of every three microwaves is just leaking a lot of fucking radiation anyway we're gonna do a survey on it first of all I'm very upset that how to have a conversation is longer than the irradiated microwaves okay because that is what we need to know that's where we need a word count yeah also that feeling of what's the survey gonna do it's gonna be like do you suffer from radiation yeah have you found out you had cancer yeah try to make a hungry man dinner I did well there you have it and then they

just are you glowing does your Sun float are you able to move pictures on the wall with your eyeballs yeah as your jaw dropped you might be doing more than reheating steak did you fall into a pile of cancer wait isn't it about what is it y'all even covered it I feel like on a dollop the ones the ladies who were like painting clocks or some shit oh the radium it feels very energy this microwave we'll figure it out eventually well it's it also shows you like how because it's things are so shit now it is almost refreshing to be like yeah we were still sending radiating microwaves out back then and letting them let the

marketplace decide but it's also like I always heard that people people some people are always scared that radiation came from microwaves yeah and you'd always be like oh you're so stupid and they like no it's a real thing I was just telling someone the other day I think my brother and I were talking about it but like my dad would literally he he would like if he wasn't around we would just like microwave how you normally microwave but if my dad was around like how a dentist takes x-rays of your teeth he'd be like go in another room and be like half of the thing is like what a monitoring and life-guarding the

potato well my grandmother she would do that she was against microwaves for the longest she you know she grew up she was born in 1916 okay homegirl went back right and so when she had we and I used to spend summers with her and I was a kid and it was like I would just get like a frozen I would eat a lot of frozen food but she refused to let me have a microwave so like literally I would eat breakfast and then start preheating for lunch you know what I mean because I take so long and then I finally got a microwave she put it like in her outdoor it's almost like a sunroom so like it was just like she was it

technically counted as outside of the house I love it and then she was like don't go in there till you hit a beep and then you weren't allowed in until it feels like I remember I remember I remember there was a time in college where I don't remember if it was print a principled stance or a poor stance but my roommate and I we would we would be making microwave foods in the oven and it just shows you the convenience a microwave is like two minutes and 30 seconds and then in the oven it's like four hours and 55 minutes you really have to know that you're gonna be hungry so we have a new invention it seems like

is it something that sucks radium out of people does this not it's so different than that new Scarecrow joins the birds watch eat that turncoat a a vineyard consultant for a wine company lots happening lots happening early was granted a patent last week for a Scarecrow Seaton Mendel of Penn Yan in New York calls his invention Hector the hawk well I don't I don't believe he knows what a Scarecrow is or someone does not know what a scare the name is it's one of the better names we have it's very straightforward yeah yeah it's a crow that sits out in the it stands there it's

not a crow it's a fucking crazy crow yeah yeah he scares the crows he's a man to scare the crows day the Scarecrow has wings spread in simulated flight and is suspended from a wire so that it moves smoothly in the air currents about 10 feet above a field of grapes or corn only grapes or corn this is so like this is why I wish I had been born before because you could just make up anything and be like this is my invention and different because in essence you know what sounds like to me it sounds like a cat toy a bird over the corn for the grapes and that person first of all vineyard consultant yeah went to liberalized

college look look look look yeah that is not a job and then you're consulted at home a lot but that's true you're I mean are we talking about like a kind of bungeeing yeah it's a bird on wires it's a it's a it's it's yeah it's on wires it's Hector the hawk on wire and Hector the hawk okay Hector the hawk can protect a circular area of about six four hundred square feet from a Robbins easier way to say that for sure go ahead starlings and other birds you could just say birds say birds I hope you're not paying by word but because I don't know if you have like a mother like I have but if you said bird she would go

what about Robbins so I get why the guy wrote that she'd have to be like it's in the category that I threw out what about Orioles yeah it's actually all birds what about sparrows and this is you're having flashbacks protection of an acre would require seven scarecrows so this idea is batshit insane because imagine to have a flying scarecrow which it's basically a flying hawk it's a fake hawk it's a fuck to have a fuck you have to have a bunch of poles and wires and then it goes over that like what are we talking 20 feet in the air on like every like on the corners of your acreage and then they have to fly and

not get tangled up in each other so let's talk about that it's and then there can't be weather don't you think well it can't be like a gust of weather or lightning or well I mean you're poking a lot of holes but it we're so used to it now that obviously it catches on I mean we're always talking about the fucking bungee hawk field scammers you got a Hector Hawk covering that land yeah imagine the guys who bought it they're like this is a bad this is gonna sink us what the fuck we at the scarecrows are easy we did it we wanted set a seven scarecrows it's not that hard now we got men out here boomerang and this

fucking stuffed hawk this isn't a life we had to hire four more workers to control the hawk maintenance yeah but the scarecrows are all scared so well the scarecrows are having a meeting going these hawks are taking our jobs taking our American jobs these jobs well I don't I don't want to say anything but I've had enough with the Hector's mm-hmm let's think about that ectare well it's exciting we have some international news copter crash kills a bad boy of Philippines okay we're all listening Jamie Laurel nicknamed banjo shirt Dave flat well let you keep going but we're not happy with what we hear so far speak for both of us 31 the bad boy skyon of

one of the most powerful and famous families in the Philippines died Sunday in the crash of a helicopter about 150 miles south of Manila his pilot and a police officer what were also killed they saw a flying hawk that they thought was a scary man and they freaked out and who's traveling with a who's traveling with a cop exactly who travels with a cop he's he's supposed to be a bad boy but he's got a cop with him I mean well to be fair Dave I don't know if they're the good guy I know a cab is all cops are bad boys yeah that's right it's just that extra B you don't pronounce yeah you don't say it people don't like to step

it out but that's what it is Laurel was the mayor of Tanwan City the ancestral home of the Laurels in Batangas province his grandfather was a president his father is the speaker of the house of representatives one uncle is the ambassador to Japan and another a senator and potential aspirant to the Philippine presidency so he's fucking loaded he's in not sounding like a bad boy not something a bad boy at all maybe we can do that though since 1964 Laurel had blazed his way across a Philippine front pages here we go let me for the podcast I'll treasure it smoking weed

smoking weed smoking weed linked to a series of events that included the murder of his wife oh that's not bad boy yeah no we just completely past bad boy you don't get to call a murderer he's a bad boy he's not a good boy he's a good boy was he okay what's he actually found guilty or they're just like whispered either way well I guess linked to link okay so that's bad boy that is a hundred percent bad boy okay the murder of his wife and a friend and his sordid brawls and pistol whippings I like it's just a sort of assorted yeah assorted a plethora a plethora at the wealth he was an equal opportunity pistol

whipper at various times he was officially accused of murder attempted murder a malicious mischief illegal possession of firearms and assaulting a police officer but invariably beat the charges because he's from a fucking family because he's connected and obviously well what if the cop that was on the plane was a like maybe that was the whole plan to kill that cop right because he's out here a bad boy he's out here pistol whipping he's out here killing people maybe he was like I'm taking you down with me copper yeah I did well yeah he probably just pistol and I and I would just say that you know

it's very if you're if you do engage in illegal activities and your royal they never you always are criminally held accountable you know just look at what's happening currently with Prince Philip who's just gonna sweat the rest of his life out in some little palace shed really I don't think I have a right arm if memory serves my right arm was gone when that picture was taken he died two weeks before he was due to be arraigned in the passing court near Manila on charges of attempted homicide so he had another he had to just kill another boy but also DB Cooper okay now I'm saying he might not be dead the

charges oh the charges grew out of a nightclub shooting a year ago in which two brothers were wounded in a gun battle in front of the bass feed nightclub a favorite haunt the brothers identified Laurel and his bodyguards as the gunman mmm I really like the Naomi theory that this guy is still there think about it he came back he was so close to being home like I was a royal royal I mean he's pistol-whippet cops and then he's helicoptering with him about it think about it think about it he is probably I mean what was he was 31 and this was in 1970 so he's so yeah he's probably he'd almost be he'd almost be 40 years old

but I am Naomi I'll just point out I'm very I'm able to quickly calculate numbers in a way that is I can just I'm they call me the human calculator so I'm able to like somebody who hated school just like exactly yeah exactly yeah yeah I hated it because I was so bored you were a bad boy I was like I know the answer he has a bad boy I was writing boobs on the calculator all right here's one oh boy oh bad drugs drugs spur animal sex life but it's too early to tell effect on human beings what page is this this how is this in the same paper about how to have comfortable conversation can you beg a rat no no it

would really be like rats be fucking am I right like that's how you start the conversation did you hear a lot of lies you still got the ale and rubbing your crotch I can't shake it all at once did you hear people be out here fucking rats what's your name I'm Ted all right so well I'm excited to hear where this guy now like what is this is an editorial or guys like you should be able to marry a calf this isn't even legal animal age I like them young I like my cash yeah this is page 12 and it's right next to the the wedding announcements oh please Herbert Clarksman and a goat are also being wet oh they're registered at a feed store anyway okay researchers at

the National Heart Institute Bethesda Maryland have found the heart wants what it wants have found a drug that can stimulate sexual activity in animals and there's one case where it might have had the same effect on a woman okay what just happened I agree that animals is like a very vague and wide-ranging term oh yeah just animals just animals and then who was this poor woman it's a it's clearly a guy's wife or girlfriend that works there he's just like hey so I gave this to a bunch of hamsters today can you put this in your mouth it just does show you how fucked the perspective is when the headline isn't you know woman takes

animal drug you know what I mean it's dead like animals might be made to be more flirtatious a woman accidentally tried it though technically not an animal a woman also had it's just like so like they the headline is a very non-compassionate has a true aphrodisiac a drug that increases sexual desire in humans finally been found what are the re sought researchers dr. Jean Gessa spoke continuously of this possibility in a phone interview he wouldn't shut the fuck up to be honest saying it's an average it's an effort easy it's an average easy it's an average easy act all right doctor doctor can we ask you

something else it's an effort the rat the rat be fucking all right we're good we are good we are we got all we need thanks so much for taking the time very continuous it is too early to know but he said this marks the first time that a drug has been shown to have such an effect even on an animal yeah go ahead no I mean is that the article because oh there's much more okay good because my thinking is also what does this have to do with the Heart Institute y'all need to be over here talking about cardiovascular you need to be talking about answers as you need to be talking about cutting your fat you over here

trying to get animals horny that's not related how did you get that grant money how did you get that grant money yeah and at some point stop can we circle back on the woman from the press corps you mentioned the woman before we're all little hmm guessing to colleagues all visiting scientists from Italy at the ball there you go fucking there you go hey it's okay hey you like a fucker hey so a reported in the journal science that the experimental drug whatever I'm not gonna say that name chlorophyll Obama had produced sexual excitement in both rats and rabbits all like it's hard to produce sexual excitement in a

fucking rabbit that's all they do I would love to say I would love to see what a sexually excited rabbit looks like all like ready to go I'll send you one of my videos I'm good I'm all thank you sir when combined with a drug called Pargeline sure they said male rats sexual excitation lasted for several hours and usually reached a climax with all the animals in one cage attempting to mount each other at the same time what so they just made a fucking rat bang no they fucking they invented a furry pile but I mean that the way that that is put it's very 70s by the way it's like we put a bunch of beings in a room

and there was cum everywhere when we came there was a bunch of keys and a gold fish ball and we said that's the heart Institute for you that's the work we're doing the heart wants what it wants just the idea that someone's like this is great we made a bunch of rats try to fuck each other in a case everyone's like that's not great for hours we watched we watched for hours as they just continued to climax after climax anyway we're here for more funding and here's why we deserve it in rabbits this in rabbits the result was compulsion compulsive sexual behavior that lasted up to three days that's like meth yeah

mess wow all the animals given PCPA have been males so far buddy indicated he is confident the drug will have the same effect on females but what about humans you ask you asked we're not ready to ask that question we're like we're years of research away from asking the humans once you just a bunch of male mice in a cage like they came a bunch on each other well if you're if you're a doctor I am you and you see about 40 rats fucking each other in a cage your first thought is where's a lady ready for I think we're ready for humans are we all thinking the same thing it's time to get a human I mean how long do we need to

prove this theory he told of one case where a woman being treated with this drug for intestinal for an intestinal tumor became very sexually excited and was chasing everybody what are you saying this woman had a tumor and they gave her rat horny pill and then she was like a doctor I would like to have said that's not a life the sequence of events he is alive it's in quotes chasing everybody furious the solution was to allow her husband to stay with her in the hospital that's not the solution either I swear to God that's what it says solution the solution was a prescription of husband oh shit that's

a fucking amazing have other instances what a great what a rich great history we have always putting humans first have others is of sexual excitement in persons on PCPA gone unreported because no one was looking for this effect or didn't want to fucking own up to the fact that they were wanting to bang everybody so it's amazing that they're like it'll be all male rats actually tried on humans like well a woman one sick woman 40 male rats or what we say we think 40 horny rats make up one ill women these rats are bad boys what's going on come on oh holy shit is the medicine supposed to be for cancer do

you see we're not we're not answering questions about the medication at this time we're not really ready to jump into that part of it just yet honestly but we what we know is the woman and her husband are still in the room and that's all we have we're ready for market we believe what I'm taking from this is that they had a cancer medication for tumors and then one lady took it and she wanted to fuck all the time they're like oh this is the magic pill that's that's very I mean that's what that's like with Chantix when they were like it was a like a sleep aid and then they start people quitting smoking like that's

what we were inventing is a smoking that's what it was we're ready for market you guys want some letters to the editor absolutely I call them letters letters walked out of movie to the editor we have just seen the movie goodbye Columbus at our local theater I should say from seeing part of the movie it was so disgusting and revolting that we walked out sick from it and demanded a refund we got two free passes to see a children's movie I wonder how many parents realize the kind of filth their teenager see it's no wonder America is so full of moral decay Mrs. Joe van Berg what what is it called goodbye Columbus

goodbye Columbus why very why would you tell the editor that and not like Metro Golden Mayor do you mean like we're made the motion picture I don't understand why he's telling that to the start it is it is so fucking true it's like it's I mean why did they print it they were like this is important this will take up you know we don't need to follow up on that cancer woman that they gave the bank bill to let's fit this lady left a movie goodbye Columbus oh that's an alley McGraw film Richard Benjamin oh it's based on a Philip Roth novella Lord so you know and this is for teenagers is where I know it's it's

clearly not for it's an adult film I don't know what she's even talking about it's got Jack Klugman in it well then there you go well oh sorry the tag is every father's daughter is a virgin okay well this is all you see in this motion picture this took a turn this took a turn wow oh my goodness 73% people liked it on rotten tomatoes oh no there's a 92 on rotten tomatoes okay we have to really we have to see yeah I'm gonna write a letter to the editor from that you should okay before YouTube comments people were just like I'm mad about that happened okay yeah these are these are a hundred percent just like

tweets and shit you put on Facebook right this one this guy's just mad okay new decade is a year away to the editor I am fed up with all the news column this television commentators and other supposedly intelligent people blithely claiming 1970 as the beginning of a new decade which is still a year of the future the facts are as follows oh geez there was no year zero thus the first decade compromise the years one through ten and the second the years eleven through twenty and the third twenty one through each decade starts with a year ending in one and ends with a year ending in zero that's the current

decade began on January 1st 1961 and well then on December 31st 1970 don't fucking stop me I am glad I will not be around in the year 2000 when most people will believe the new century millennium would have a gun of course this event will not be here until January 1st 2001 Wow what was his name his name Curtis Anderson of Coon Rapids that's a person who needs to read the book about how to have a conversation because they're not getting invited back I mean it is it is a loot it's I've I've you ever heard that before Dave yeah you have heard that okay I've heard it either yeah I've heard it but it's also not something you

get mad about yeah yeah you're just like hey how about we have a party he's like party you can have a party but not for a decade party you can see everywhere he goes it's just simmering of people like hey Jim what's going on he's like the year zero is not the beginning all right hey man I just wanted to have you know you're Curtis hey I just we left a point set on your desk I want to be dead in the year 2000 okay because I can't I can't take it okay cool Curtis good to see you go to see you too I said a letter of conversation to see that it might get better oh here here's a good here's a here's a classic minute Minneapolis

hey salute to police force oh dear editor it makes me angry when I pick up the paper and learn that a boy has been shot by a policeman and right away people blame the policeman did it ever occur to them that if the boys weren't stealing they would not be shot at it as simple as that my hat is off my hat is off to our wonderful police force Stella tip oh my god Minneapolis I mean it's that really it really is I mean I wish that more people were able to see the unevolved thought but I mean yeah it is the exact same perspective they are rioting yeah hey did they did something bad that's why they got shot right you

like if you steal food you should die yeah it is we still are fought like we do still it is a man it is still that thought is still so widely supported I mean I won't even get it but it is it is fucking incredible to hear literally that could be in the paper in Minneapolis today right absolutely right that's Sean that's Sean Hannity show every night yeah oh here so we'll end with this letter to the paper which is another guy that's mad about stuff is it all dudes there's more there's more women than men okay really okay leave the moon alone oh my god to the editor a space agency scientist proposes to

blow up the moon to see what is inside it is possible scientists must have something to play with but could they not leave our little old moon alone let us not destroy its beauty as some of us have I've switched sides by the way I'm not on the author side of this that's a mr. show sketch sketch where they're talking about blowing up the moon are you so they is that true there was did they actually want you or is this guy that talked about is this person just out of their eye I just googled it and oh military chiefs plan to blow up the moon with nuclear no wait no the US military chiefs plan to blow up the

moon with nuclear bomb as shown to show Cold War muscle planned plan to to show Cold War muscle that's what I take that Rusky's now there's no moon boom suck it right you know that could be you next wow you think they like good night moon and then like yeah Nate I don't know the sound but you know what wouldn't be too loud because it'd be so far away but we just hear like a that is it's gone yeah that was in well that was in 1957 and I love that we are I love that it's always the red scare and it's like that we will prove to Russia that we will not stand for their bullshit so we are gonna blow up the moon

that'll teach that'll show people who's on the right side of history yeah no this is it not NASA considered blowing up the moon in 1969 you still get money when you're NASA like if NASA at one point was like let's blow up the moon it would be like okay you're no more NASA yeah absolutely be like yeah that you've sort of lost the thread yeah but I mean I it would not shock me if I were to read Elon Musk writes something along the lines of like we need to blow up the moon yeah I need to get rid of it I just aesthetically speaking it gets in the way of too much people be like yeah or if

we said we were gonna make phone batteries out of it people go yeah well I can see that being someone's solution to climate change right if moons control the tides they're like okay we'll get the waters down by destroying the moon well when you hear about the plans the all the plans to combat climate change within the tent of capitalism it is you're like it's what you're saying it's you're always like could we just stop using oil no no no we will blow up the moon and then that will cloud the Sun and it'll buy us some time and then we can still make money forever that great what a good system oh my god we

are by the way I'm now shocking that there is not a sect of the population demanding for the moon to blow up it today honestly I'm sure if you did a Google search you would find your people okay I believe they're there they gonna plan for that I want to get in that chat finally found my group sick of it too oh here is here is some climate here's some climate change there's a climate change story hmm the earth climate has changed often in three billion years well I mean it's three billion years that's that's kind of our attitude now over a man's lifetime the climate of the earth changes little but

since the birth of the planet on which we live the climate has undergone great variations scientists have peered into the distant past and have found evidence for long stretches of warmth interspersed with very cold periods so over three billion years yeah it gets hotter or colder so that might not have been though I might not have been the article I was hoping for yeah I mean basically that again would be today right right sometimes it's hot sometimes it's cold there's snow in Colorado nothing's wrong oh shit we got a theft wards theft loss is ten thousand dollars whose words words Montgomery wards

which is for those who are too young it is in a department store which was a store that had everything in it several mink coats capes stalls and cats I think I wanted that appearance that I can fly thank you so much thank you you know the thing is is the place you always went to get your capes was Montgomery wars yeah for sure it's like going to you have any superman's but it's funny because my first thought is like a team of drag queens do you mean cuz when I hear like a minx stole yeah some capes drama capes you're thinking Halloween capes and I don't know no I'm super I'm thinking actual superhero capes but

you're right it is more adwatt to the Halloween variety for sure my brain immediately went to like a guy with an 1800s cape that he threw in the mud so a lady could walk over the money we can do a podcast called capes anyway let's sidebar on it after there's three hot cape takes here so with a total value of more than ten thousand dollars have been stolen from the Montgomery Ward store at Apache Plaza okay what a testament obviously lovely another there's white man again giving back we're sorry here's a mall it's so doesn't that make y'all feel better it's so great how terrible this story is not only are there just a

mink coats but it's also named Apache Plaza like they're just right we get it here about 40 mink pieces were taken at 4 a.m. Sunday by thieves who entered the building by breaking a plate glass door with a baseball bat well that's how you do it hello that that's no bomb baby much more much more the bat was the bomb guy was like that's good the bat was also used to break a case holding the first so yeah just bring it back and you get 10,000 bucks ready for him Sunday and then what and then what how do you fence a bunch of furs I could just see this is what I'm saying you're not fencing you're trying to look fabulous

I'm starting to come around to Naomi's side on this one Dave there is there was a basement drag show in Minneapolis okay and it was popping off like a week after this event and we don't know about it I could also see the caped being the ones who are like we got to get rid of that nasty moon so nefarious devilish moon you have any mustache wax we've a plan to blow apart of space but here here's a guy and he's holding up like it looks like a pocket type thing and it's black in the middle and it says mini lung dr. W. R. Spence of Salt Lake City Utah demonstrated a mini lung he developed to show how much tar gets

into a smokers lung from a single cigarette oh hey there's a lot that's what I'm overwhelmed his device is used extensively as a classroom teaching aid he's in Minneapolis to point out health hazards in smoking during no smoking week there is something it is amazing that there was a guy who's like these are bad for you meanwhile they're like well we have no evidence of that in court under like oath you know whether we've never seen anything like that besides this weirdo with his little weird mini lung that he lives with we think he has sex

with it to be honest oh shit this is an ad for the paper Jose is I'm sorry Jose is going fucking crazy wait I didn't know Jose would also be on this podcast yeah yeah I mean I hoped can you believe bring I mean I saw his his image you know the painting of he was just here and then he was like I'll do the scratching post near the mic and then he's been jumping up on the kitchen I've just been seeing like behind me like this is just not like stuff where I'm like I'm gonna come once I can turn the corner I'm gonna be like how did he find ham I don't eat meat how did he get ham in here how was their hand all right sorry so this

is an ad in the paper for the few okay Wednesday ideas for snowtime hot drinks looking for a great hot drinks sorry looking for great hot drinks to warm the whole family on cold winter days and nights then turn to the taste section Wednesday and a feature by Beth Anderson on snowtime hot drinks okay a teaser for the paper in the paper but it's not news it's just like something out of red book hot drinks tea I know I really like how especially if you're in Minneapolis yeah we know it gets fucking from we know we're aware have you tried lava for the whole family hot drinks coming

Wednesday by the way what a tough what a tough break to have drinks week during non-smoking week holy shit there's a fucking story here about Fred Hampton being killed wow what page it is on page 22 and he's not even he's not even the number one oh my god safety called reason for timing of Panther raid the leader of a black the leader of a police raid in which two black Panther party leaders were slain on Monday said the raid was carried out carried out before dawn because of safety factors and then it says Clark 22 a party leader from Peoria was slain in the raid and then it says also killed in the shooting

Fred Hampton wow you know wow that's wow the greatest voice of a generation killed yeah just nestled in there under yeah it is also amazing like the way that you know when you have the time in between think like I was watching this thing on Martin Luther King versus the FBI and it's it's amazing now how all the people that embrace you know like God thank you for Dr. King so yeah would be the same fucking people back then who would be like tapping his phone get rid of him yeah and not giving a shit when he was killed you know yeah and so even here it's just even here it has the nice like police skew like the reason why

the raid was carried out early was first you know it's just like no they fucking assassinated it especially when I hate the use there's something I mean you know there's always funky wording but specifically there's something about the word slain that I hate because it's both passive while also trying to connote almost like a high brow element to it do you know what I mean was killed is already like yeah what happened yeah he was slain you know it's like very dramatic and it's like you mean they came in and shot him uh-huh yeah well no no no it's more of a slaying if you don't like murder story we had a cape I mean

we did see capes nearby I'll be honest it was a bit of a van house what we had we think he was a fan housing is what we were dealing with that's why we had to go before dawn page 22 22 I mean it just shows you why it's always important to ignore all mainstream yeah 100% 100% so okay now also on page 22 don't be a stay-at-home because of facial hair and bear same wait I'm sorry I'm gonna need you to take a back I'm also gonna request a skip back that's good day so it's a lady she's got her hands like this and she's looking sad her hands on her face looking sad it's on her face looking sad loaning don't be a stay-at-home

because of facial hair embarrassment caused by hair blemishes turns many otherwise lovely women into chronic stay-at-homes chronic stay-at-homes I've also I think we should bring back the phrase stay-at-home stay at home I was gonna say I've been a chronic stay-at-home for a long time beard or no so this is like yeah okay go ahead summer conscious of the reason others not it often hides behind a too much trouble excuse or unexpressed feelings of insecurity about your appearance the sensible thing to do is have hair blemishes removed at once get them out of sight and out of mind permanently this

is easy to accomplish now with Gregory thermal lice thermal lices thermal lices thermal lice his name that sounds like the guy's gonna blow up the moon I'm Gregory thermal lice it's not it's not thermal lice is pulled ISIS we must bomb for Gregory has overcome the three objections women raised to permanent hair removal slowness dip discomfort and expense okay Gregory what a guy consider many women in four countries are having such large areas as arms and legs cleared of ugly hair by their gentle Gregory technicians and a lot of them catch up on their reading or sleeping while the work is being done

doesn't that speak well for the speed comfort and reasonable cost of a thermal lice but it's taking a while okay if you have time for a rim cycle that is long-term we've almost got it up her legs doctor be put the thermal lice is on her well it's also it is like I mean you know it's amazing because it is such a given now that those are taken care of and it all would it all is rooted in you know societal shame and I wonder where that was coming from right I wonder who it's like yeah it was dr. Gregory like that's I mean your business you walk around you go basically yeah she's a

beast and then he's like I can help you with that with my thermal lices over three nights we'll put you in a mini coma and I'll shorn you we'll make a sweater out of you ladies you'll wake up hairless and pregnant my hair we overstepped we took the hair off your head I'm so sorry it's it's electrolysis and they eventually moved into laser hair removal that's really well it was named after Dorothy Gregory an electrologist who and then she died in 1997 and all the chains went away but she had 20 20 clinics wow oh it's like in the wild it's like a it's like a Vic Taney when I was a kid

who's Vic Taney you guys there was a Midwest tanning place I wasn't trying to tell you I don't see colors so it's very hard for me to address what this is I think I don't even know if it was tanning I think it was I believe it was so funny it's like when people tan in the Midwest like in winter to be like look it's not so is that what you do you I mean it would be like I'm trying to think of it almost people became like Panthers where it was like they became so much more tan the hair became more blonde and you're like holy fuck they looked like they were sick freed and Roy okay so this is there's a little

section called mr. fix it mr. fix it will answer your question tack you'll tackle your problem plead your case right I feel like this whole paper has been mr. fix it this paper really feels like a QVC episode it feels except the ads are the news right so there's a question this guy's like asking like I got this this company is it a real company and this other one is like how much does it cost to get a lecture electrical engineering degree do I have a company's a great am I running a company mr. fix it I don't think so Chad if you're asking that question and then there's this question recently I heard

that Como Lake is a man-made lake true or false mr. fix it into a lake how do I stop the radiation from destroying me and my family my wife hates me mr. fix it what's the move anyway it's a natural lake I'm allergic to pairs mr. fix it mr. fix it he's just Google yeah he's asked cheese yeah pork I was like is there any like like I'm a mechanic they're like no this they have trouble at home he's like I mean I guess I don't really like a tool guy well see this is why when people say print is dead you're like yeah it should be not much different not much different here's a great ad it's just they're looking at

all these ads just look like stories it's it's amazing because you always read these in the papers from the 1800s but I can't believe they went on this long and actually they probably still have them but they just still do there's a lot of times where you'll see stuff in papers and you'll just you I mean if you're a cognitive human you are able to discern that it is an ad but the every part of it is like breakthrough in laser hair removal whoa when did they legally have to start writing this is an advertisement in like you know the small font of the very yeah yeah negotiating the font or they're like should be like that so

people know that well I think it maybe it's tinier than the actual print font little general help make that happen okay so this one says advertisement at the top but the headline is dr. okay is this hemorrhoid treatment for I like the name is dr. okay dr. okay and I've got butthole stuff dr. okay is this hemorrhoid treatment for New Jersey couple's son treatment shrinks piles relieves pain in most cases Wharton New Jersey mr. and mrs. course it's Wharton mr. and mrs. who mr. and mrs. cm Jeffers report quote our son suffered from hemorrhoids I asked the doctor just take play the fifth or

something they wanted to know why you haven't been in school I know but was the hemorrhoids you say I had the sore throat or something but honey you won't even sit in your own chair mom stop talking to the man so anyway we went to a lovely doctor we were so worried my boy won't sit and he won't let me look at it because I'm his mother it what's going on doctor by the way we did look when he was sleeping we want to be honest and it is a goddamn nightmare in there it is piles of piles oh it's like Braille what's he eating Jesus thumbtacks I asked the doctor about preparation age

and he gave us the okay our son is now fine thanks to preparation age by the way whoa that product should not have preparation in its name it is a post procedure you're not preparing for much well but also I think it's really funny is that this is an average preparation age but they were like let's take the family schoolboy approach do you know I mean like yeah who can all latch on okay there's a team there's a teen his butt hurts his parents need help what is he come on guys let's pitch around it exactly it's like but wouldn't what what if the target demo be like a 45 year old person older people absolutely yeah a

team yeah just like he's out there skateboarding getting piles yeah think you're old because you have hemorrhoids right they're like hemorrhoids are for everybody even though it's like but acne oh shit there's a the scotch missed a lounge on 11th and LaSalle in downtown Minneapolis is having a lingerie fashion show during noon lunches Monday through Friday 11 30 2 p.m. which has a 30 to 2 who's lunch is that a lingerie fashion show in the middle of the work day that's right and that's all probably a lot of dudes just taken like wet martini lunches just like she is here there gentlemen you have to buy

something this week we're shopping we're shopping it includes Hawaiian and modern dance very clear great marketing obviously all right so let's let's end with this this is a columnist what if this ship name of me what if this kept going for like another 45 minutes you like these guys are like it's gonna be an hour like going like deep into the every single page of doing micro fish now honestly it looks like you would be you are to my yeah I like to picture that yeah it looks like you're out of micro fish because when you like scroll up and stuff and I'm like oh my god he's getting I want to get him a jeweler's

loop I feel like that'll really help sell the yeah yeah oh my god yes okay so this is columnist will Jones and in his in his column here there's a picture of Alfred Hitchcock and it says under the picture Alfred Hitchcock is he kidding fat rich jolly old Alfred Hitchcock is having all us on I say that in preference to reporting that poor dear misguided old Alfred Hitchcock has goofed again after watching his latest movie Topaz the latter guest is the one in which I believe but he goes on to shit all over Alfred okay so that's fine and then the bottom here the bottom part of is the Pat O'Brien anthem

star-spangled banner isn't singable a that's what the carpers have been saying for some years now so the Super Bowl producers gave us a switch Pat O'Brien shouting it now the question is is the star-spangled banner shoutable the effect intended may have been something akin to Rockney urging us all to get in there and win win one more for the Gipper the role that O'Brien once word rather I feel like this guy just put a bunch of bumper stickers into a collar it's like it's like fridge magnet poetry but the article I think there should be a verb in here somewhere it's a bunch of slander I like like like it's like like

you can see this on TV or the radio but a guy shouting in the paper you're just like okay I can't well I also like the idea that he's based is he not basically saying a dude shouted the national anthem which is the greatest way to sing it ever oh say can you say by the dogs early light okay okay what's so proud I will finish that anthem is ruined I also whenever I hear Pat O'Brien I just think pervy access Hollywood guy or whatever that's right oh that's right he was pervy I forgot about that yeah they recorded him going like I'm gonna do coke off you and that's oh yeah I you know what I'm talking about yeah oh

totally I don't okay he was a long time CBS he was like a sports guy football mostly right it was like this tape he did a bunch he was like a Hollywood guy or whatever and then yeah but they like someone recorded him like like it was like the next day was like obvious I'm going to rehab but he was like he left someone a voicemail where he was going like basically he's saying like he's leaving someone voicemail and he's like saying we'll get a couple girls over here for you and then we'll just do all this coke and I'll just fuck you and just do all that and it was like he was like the guy was like yeah it was like I

talked to Michael Jordan before the game and then he was like I would snort coke out of you and then I'll fuck you with cocaine and it'd be great and then I'm in yeah I have a problem and I want to address it I want to grow from this yeah it was a really it was so it was like I'm gonna eat your ass I'm gonna eat my ass yeah I wish I wish he said he was gonna eat his own ass that would have been like the peak of any voicemail I think it's great that he left that at a voicemail can you imagine getting a sexual voicemail of that nature like here are the here's what I plan to do here's the set list for tonight a voicemail

avoid I mean to feel comfortable being like I can trust her my career is hanging on this voicemail technically but whatever she's cool she does drugs she's not unpredictable this will hold as a friendship forever well Naomi that I'm not gonna lie Dave that was a pretty good one thank you guys having me thank you Naomi truly that was fucking hilarious yeah as we all expected it would be so watch the stand-ups not all of them but just watch your season 3 episode 2 that's all you yeah that's all you need that's all you need black at black dress at black dress comedy and couples therapy podcast thank you

tremendously for joining us yes and next time let's record one of these oh shit we should have done that I record them I really do I these are fun and everything but I think next time we record yeah you'll miss me honey oh say get you say by the dogs okay okay I will finish