The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 513 - Best of The Dollop

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

We play the best clips from the first 10 episodes of the podcastSourcesTour DatesRedbubble Merch

Hey everybody, so we are not doing the fresh episode this week, so we're doing the best of. This is just from the first like 10 episodes or so, we just grabbed a bunch of little bits and threw them up here. Hope everybody had a good Christmas and have a happy new year. And let's remember 2022 is going to be the best year ever. There's a little something from episode number one, Cleveland Bundy. At a recent Patriot party hosted by Bundy.

I mean, could you have just said a crazier thing? You've never been to a Patriot party over at Bundy's place? Oh, at Bunkerville? Oh, yeah, I didn't realize, I didn't make the connection. Bundy greeted his fans with a copy of the Constitution. Hey, hey everybody. Check around. Wow.

Okay, so we run out of toilet paper. This is where it gets so great. He believes in the Constitution. Yeah. Sorry. That's all he believes in. It just doesn't make sense. Keep going.

But he doesn't believe in the government. That wrote the Constitution. It seems impossible. I mean, the Constitution, here's the deal with the Constitution. It was made by a bunch of bros. But those bros weren't a government. They were like bros in a house and they wrote a thing up. So the Constitution doesn't have anything to do with making a government.

It was a bro list. It's a bro list. It's a bro list. Thank you. This is where you come in because you used to do birthday parties. A George Washington impersonator clad in a full white wig and navy coat with tails showed up to eat barbecue besides Bundy and his wife. That's the point where you're there and you go, oh, we jumped the shark.

What in the fuck are we doing? That's the point where a wife who didn't want to make the move pulls on her husband's arm and is like, we need to talk in the truck. I need to talk to you in the truck right now. But what happened was everyone just went, oh, fuck yeah, man. Man, George Washington fucking loves ribs, man. He can put back ribs. Holy shit.

I thought we might be on the wrong road here, but then G.G.W. showed up. God damn George Washington. Just when you think Bundy might be out of his mind, he hires a George Washington impersonator to eat barbecue and you're like, oh yeah, this is a real mission. We're on the path. We're on point. So here's where it gets really great is that the oath keepers are using this. I hope you say they killed George Washington.

God, would that be amazing? If they shot George Washington, they were like, you're part of, that guy was the president. Boosh, boosh, boosh. George Washington dead again. Oh, fuck. So the oath keepers are using this as a recruitment tool. So basically, when they've been waiting for something like this, because they know that it's going to get a lot of press, which has been, and so then the press leads to more

people being like, God damn, the federal government did taxes. They take taxes and all they give me is roads and education and protection and safety and clean water. Those motherfuckers. It's like, so, so, so there, so there's all these things. So there's all the, now there's, now there, their ranks are swelling because of this. So the oath keepers are big, and they brought, they had 15,000 before this started. The oath keepers.

So now they're going to be like 30,000, 40,000, 100,000, like they're about to explode into an actual army that wants revolution. From a fucking dude who is gracing his cows inappropriately. This is the thing, is that if you, like, if you wanted to talk about getting, like, completely changing the government, because it isn't a government, it really is not a government that really works for the people. No, it doesn't work. It doesn't do that.

It works for the rich. However, these are not the people that you want in line to come up with the plan B. No, I don't want their help. No. No. So if it's like, would you rather follow them or would you rather the fucked up system you live under now, it's like, I'll stick with the one right now. If I'm anywhere, and people are talking about how to fix the government, and then a dude

comes in dressed up like the president and starts eating barbecue, I declare this barbecue to be delicious. So, where can George Washington sneak out to take a dump real quick, over eight on barbecue? Well, well, what fresh, happy young lads the dollop boys sounded back then. Here is a second clip from a purity balls. Yeah, it's just so clearly, I mean, this is like an incestuous father's dream, right? Which was the original name of this. Come on down to the incestuous father's dream, ball.

Come on down, $10,000, you can fuck your daughter, daddy. Father Dottie Purity Ball is a memorable ceremony for fathers to sign commitments. Oh, well, I live with a father has to sign anything. Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, no, yeah, I'm down for her to not fuck. I can commit to that. I got a lot on my plate, but yeah, that allows, I have enough time to do that. You know what?

I'm on board. I'm on board for my 13 year old not to be sucking and fucking yeah, I'll sign that paper. Give that over here right here. And there's the check for $93 that tell God hello. So, they decided commitment to be responsible men of integrity in all areas of purity. The commitment also includes their vow to protect their daughters and their choices of purity.

Father and his daughter walk under an arch and knelt before a cross, synthesized hymns played. Oh, God. The fathers sometimes held their daughters and whispered a short prayer. No. Jesus loves you. No. I don't want anything going inside of you, amen.

Oh, my God. Let God enter you. And Dad's God. If a man ever, if a man enters you, it's not me before you're 20 or whatever, then you turn to shit. You haven't funded Epcot Center other than this? Yeah. You said you wanted to go to Disneyland, right, amen?

Couldn't take it. I support my four-year-old's decision to do this. That's what it's saying. I know it. Look. She's a free thinker. She always has been. Since she was one, she's always pursued things like this.

Yeah. She's the one not eating the wall. Yeah. She's the one eating the wall. She's the one eating the wall. But she also is very clear about what she wants in her vagina and that's nothing except for Daddy, maybe, maybe. The girls each place a white rose on the cross representing purity.

The father's protecting role over the daughter's virginity is emphasized throughout the night. So that's cool. So you're a young girl. You're like 10. Thank you. And your dad just keeps standing up and going, no one's getting in here. Just to be clear, get off my land, your daughter. How long is this?

Wilson State's father's how long to the evening? Yeah. It's a long night. It's like a it's like a long evening. It's like a like a dinner. It's like a wedding night. It's like a dinner and dancing and yeah, whole thing. Fathers, our daughters are waiting for us.

They're desperately waiting for us in a culture that lures them into the murky waters of exploitation. They need to be rescued by you, their dad. One of the most memorable highlights of the ball is when the father stand in the middle of the ballroom and form a circle around their daughters standing where they all jerk off. And they yell, who brought them back? Their daughters just standing aglow in their lovely ball gowns and the fathers place their hands on their daughters. Oh, wow.

And together pray for a purity of mind, body, soul for generations to come. Are you in? Generations to come. Generations. This isn't a fucking, this isn't like a little tiny. Oh, no. I can tell you're taking it very seriously, yeah. There's remembrance gifts.

They're given at ceremonies to represent the girl's promise of chastity. Do we have, what are the gifts? Do we know? One form of a token is a charm bracelet or necklace in the shape of a heart for the girl. With a not a whore written below. K Jewelers. And the father has a key. Oh, it's like a car.

It's just like a, it's like when, when something goes into something else and unlocks it. I can't think of what that, I can't think of what that, but, but like, the first time something is jammed into something else. It's hard. Yeah. Slowly put in carefully. Slowly, slowly, not all the way in at first. And then you jiggle it a little bit.

Little bit carefully. Sometimes when you put the key in, you say, just the tip and then you're gonna put, you're gonna lock it eventually, just the tip of the key always leads to the lack of the door. It symbolizes the father's duty to protect the young girl's heart, only giving away the key to her husband on her wedding day. Not creepy at all. Hey dad, can I borrow the keys to the pussy? I mean, it's so, this means, this means that at, at, at the wedding day, the father walks

up to the dude, hands him a key and the dude goes, I'm going to hit that so fucking hard. I couldn't break it. Well, oh boy, those dog, those dogfellas get a little disturbing once in a while. So why don't we, so why don't we try to make things a little more serious now and get into the world of tickling here. All right. So I'm gonna put my glasses on. I can't.

The idea of putting on glasses to read about competitive tickling, it doesn't happen a lot. So the pay's good. What? Um, the pay is typically $1,500. Wait. Okay, hold on. Beep, beep, beep, backup, backup. Okay, when I say competitive tickling, what do you think I'm talking about?

Well, I mean, I think you're talking about some sort of organized sport. Yeah. Of tickling. Yeah. But you start with the pay's good. What is, they, they, what do you mean? Competitive. So it's like a league.

I shouldn't say competitive tickling. It's competitive endurance tickling. So how much can you handle, bro? Before laughing or before tapping out? I think before tapping out. That's better. That's funnier. I love that you can laugh.

No, yeah, you can laugh for sure. What? All right. So basically what happened was this kind of blew up on the internet this week because a dude in New Zealand, a reporter, like happened across this Facebook page that was set up by Jane O'Brien Media. Happened across. Happened across.

Yeah. He was like watching Foot porn and was like, oh, crikey. Well he happens to be bisexual this, this report. I'm fine with that. So don't begrudge it. He's dumb as a cross. And he's like, well, this is fucking crazy. I have to read about this.

Right? Yeah. And so they have all these, I guess they're like, okay, first of all, if you go to the page. If? When you go to the page. Okay, that's it, right? Oh, wow.

So it's Jane O'Brien Media. It's a couple of dudes in Adidas shirts and a couple of dudes without shirts. And they're all like, come on, let's go. Let's tickle. Like the picture is just like. The picture is very inviting to like, come on, guys, you're weird if you don't. These videos of guys being interviewed about like, what's, what, what's going to happen with tickling?

Oh, wow. This one's just, I mean, like these guys right here are from Minnesota. And they're just discussing, oh, there's no sound right now. Oh, this, oh, never mind, the sound has come out of the, okay. So these guys are like, they're just, they're talking about like, what, what, what, how much do you laugh when you get tickled? Like how susceptible are you to tickling? Where are your tickle places?

So it's just like, it's like two dudes who are doing like a behind the scenes interview of tickling. Yeah. That's like the first post on their Facebook page. But. But what? I still, in a broader term, they, they, it is like a league. It's an organized.

What is, they just, so in your mind, you're thinking the way this sounds is that they would eventually like it to be an Olympic event. What I am picturing is like ultimate frisbee. Like I want that sort of, you know, periphery, we've heard of it might make the top 10 once a year. Well, how do you think an event, what do you think happens in an event? I, I could see a round robin-esque. I really like this kid coming out of Arkansas.

This kid could tickle the hell out of someone else and he doesn't tap out often. Okay, so. But is it just for fun? They just, they, I mean, obviously it's just for fun. Is it just for fun? It's tickling. Sorry. I don't think that question's ever been asked about tickling before.

That's like a Martian question about tickling. Is it for fun? What is benefit for them? Well, I like tickle. Well, this is, I mean, okay, so, so it's, it's set up like it's a league or like it's like there's events, but I'll read, I'll read you this. Thank you. Jane O'Brien Media seeks lean, muscular ticklish males who also truly hate to be tickled, right?

Your high-paying reality TV video project in Los Angeles. Pay includes $1,500 and 250 expense money. So a little per diem. Sure. Yeah. A little fuck you money around town. Yep. You get to stay at a four-star hotel, stills photography session with legendary photographer

Marco Romante. Legendary. Right away. I know who we're talking about, Marco. No adult, sexual, fetish oriented or nudity is involved in any Jane O'Brien Media production. Accepted participants will be restrained and tickled and producer provided Adidas Athletic Gymwear. What?

And Adidas is like, we want our name on this. And work as members of tickling teams that compete against other featured individuals. This is a very competitive offering with over 1,000 applicants monthly, thanks to our exploding presence on Facebook. Now they have 17 over 17,000 likes on Facebook. So they might not be full of shit. Applicants must be 18 to 24. Oh boy.

This is just the more details about the participants. What do you mean? Well, I think you're leading me down a path, but I think I know where we're headed. And of course, tickling lead us straight into the world of ghosts. So then I was like, okay, are a lot of people fucking ghosts? Like is this like a thing? Is there a lot of ghost fucking going on? So I started.

Get ready for a hashtag, ghost fucking. I started Googling ghost sex. Africa also has a sex ghost situation. Oh good, good. I was just going to say they need something else. This happened in 2001. Fear struck the residents of Zanzibar Islands after rumors of the reemergence of a sexually voracious ghost that attacks people.

The ghost fucker is back. The ghost fucker is back. It's almost as if this is really what it is. Many Zanzibars are now refusing to sleep in their houses as they believe it only preys on people in the comfort of their own beds. Don't sleep on your bed, you get fucked by the ghost. We're not sleeping in our beds any longer because that's where the ghosts fuck us. The ghost, or genie, goes by the name of Papo Bawa.

Hello, Papo Bawa here to fuck you. Oh no, run, run, he's Papo Bawa, he's Papo Bawa. Don't sleep in your bed, Papo Bawa is here to fuck. I'm here to fuck. People believe that it's atomizes its victims, most of whom are men. Oh Jesus. Who? Then who?

Who started? Who was like, I got a telepathy, I got fucked by a ghost in the ass last night. Yeah. In recent years, the residents of the semi-autonomous Tanzanian islands claim that Papo Bawa only visited the islands during voting, such as during the general election in 1995 and 2000. Something about election season, make Papo Bawa horny. Papo Bawa see balance, he want to fuck men. Oh, I love primaries.

Oh man, primary season, what the fuck? You like voting? I like fucking. I vote to fuck you, it passed. But to the surprise of everybody. To the surprise of many. This current ghost has reappeared when there is no polling of any kind. Hey, Papo Bawa, what?

I found out I can do it all the time. I bought property. Papo Bawa. Ladies panic, he is said to be striking in the north of Zanzibar island as well as central Pembra. I like how much like a predator, he's just in an area. Like he's walking. He's cruising around.

It's a space. It's like, oh, where's that cab? People claim his presence in a house is revealed by an echoed smell and a puff of smoke. What's that? Oh my. Get out of your beds. Victims then speak of being in a chance or dreamlike state as they are molested. And so the story goes that they did not reveal what happened then Papo Bawa will strike the

next night. So they have to. So it's such a fucked up thing. They get fucked in the ass by a ghost and then they have to go outside and go, I was fucked in the ass by a ghost, otherwise they're going to get fucked again. And then Papa Bawa goes, you are free from my ass fucking. So I'm led to believe you didn't go tell everyone you were got ghost fucked last night. Papa Bawa, please.

I was inside all day. You know what that means. Time to pay Papa Bawa again. No Papa Bawa, no. Tell them tomorrow. Okay. Let them know I'll be around this whole area for about a week. Then I'm going to move to a little more western part of the country.

It's like a tour. I'm going to need gasoline. My booking agent is like, what the fuck? You know what I mean? I did some of these places where I'm fucking. I'm like, I should be fucking in theaters. Why am I fucking in such small towns? You know what I mean?

I mean, I like it. The people who like me, but people know me now. They know there are no Papa Bawa come so how come I'm not fucking, listen, they tell me stop fucking just during election season. I do and I'm still playing these little lots. Everyone in town know they're not sleeping in their beds. How do I fuck a man not in his bed? What accent was that?

I think that went to Italian. It's face Papa Bawa. He's an entity. Hey, I'm a Papa Bawa. You like to be bald. He's a me. It's Papa Bawa. I mean, you're a fucking you.

You like it, aren't you? Hey Mario, you like a fucking. Hey, get out of that bed, you little stinker. I'm gonna fuck you so hard up your ass unless you are telling somebody tomorrow. Okay. And Papa Boyardee, you're coming to Papa Bawa Pizza. You stay for pizza. You leave if I fuck you and tell everyone Papa Bawa Pizza now to locations.

Well, that was a spicy meatball and you know who else was a spicy meatball? Our old friend Hugh Glass. So the choppers all split up into groups and Hugh was with Major Henry and they were about 13 dudes and they were going to go and they're going to start working their way towards the Yellowstone and killing Beavers. Sure. So. A lot of work for Beavers.

It's all for great, great hats. How many fucking Beavers were? Did you imagine? Oh my God. How many Beavers there were? It must have been horrifying. Horrible. Damn it, I fell on five Beavers, tripped on that Beaver and fell on that Beaver over

there. If I could, Beaver just took my drink. But when they burned the re-village, it didn't mean they killed all the re, there was still some out there. So there were hunting groups of re around and like the first couple of nights, two trappers got killed in the middle of the night, like it was not, it was like, well we, so two nights, two dead. I go two, 300 miles to Yellowstone, I figure we're not going to make it.

I got a bad feeling about this. Now on the fifth day, they were in South Dakota and they were working for food, meat berries, that kind of meat, not hanging meat, like they had to kill the meat. Look a meat tree. Oh, look at this, a lamb chop. And he was a little bit out front. Of course he was. That's our guy.

And he, it was August. And he walks into a cleared area in the middle of the, that's the thing that always gets me about this is, like there's no paths, like they're walking just in a fucking nightmare. You know what I mean? There's no, yeah. I hate everything about being in that kind of nature. Oh my God. You're just getting poked by shit and stuck in stuff and everywhere you move, it's just

bushes. And the only thing that gets you through it is the idea that like it will end like in the day. You're like, well, tomorrow I will be fine. For them it's for the family. For them they're like, hey, look out, there's reed. So he goes into a small clearing and he's like, oh, this isn't good. This shouldn't be here.

And it's a bear's nest. I'm sorry, a bear's nest? Yeah. So the bear, the bears clear out an area and then that's where they sleep with their cubs. Well, I'm guessing they're pretty protective of it. So the bear is, he like basically walks into the bear like, excuse me, like seduce the bear.

Oh no. Hey, baby. How you doing? It feels like. You like berries? The only thing I could do was fuck the bear. So I did. I fucked the bear.

That's how I roll. It so goes the other way. You got bear fucked. So the bear immediately bites his neck and picks him up and smashes him on the ground and then tears off chunks of his skin and throws it to her cubs because she's like, hey, food walked in. Hey, Hugh's here. So then he, when she did that, he tried to get up again.

What is he? He's still okay. He's still alive. And his cubs are eating Hugh. He didn't have time to grab his gun and she picked him up again and slammed him down again and then started, then the whole bear family attacked him and they're just biting him and slashing him while the mom holds him down. The two cubs are just attacking him.

And then his buddies hear this, they're like, well, that doesn't sound good. That sounds like Hugh's getting mauled. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Hugh's being attacked by a bear family. So then they all run for it, but they're spread out a little bit. The first guy gets there and he's like, oh, fuck, and he runs into the water and shoots, but he shoots and kills one of the cubs. Okay. And then the other guys come right then and the mom bears on top of Hugh, just still thrashing

him. She has whale. And then they all shoot her and kill her and she falls on top of Hugh. And then the other cub runs away, which he's probably got a great... Are we going to get a follow up on this cub? No, he's probably got a great bear story. Like he ran up to Bear Town and he was like, you guys are not going to believe it. He's the Hugh glass of bears.

He is the Hugh glass of bears. So. Okay. So Hugh's not in a good spot. Hugh's not good. And they're also worried now because with all the shooting and the bear screaming and the Hugh screaming, all the re-Indians could be like, there's those motherfuckers. So they're a little bit of a panic.

They're like, great job, Hugh. Can you get attacked by a bear quietly? Thank you. Jesus Christ, Hugh. Look at you. What a mess. Well, they roll the bear off Hugh and he's just like shredded Hugh. Like he's just, he's a fucking mess.

He's bloody. He's mangled his entire face, is torn up. Sure. His limbs, his back is completely shredded. Basically there's nowhere to tickle. Is the ver- Could you cut your kidney? Oh my God, that was your kidney.

Oh my God. Why is that out? Oh God, Hugh. Why's the kidney out? What a hero. Now, of course, had meth been around in Hugh's days, I think we could all agree that he would have enjoyed heapfuls of meth. And that brings us to episode six, the tank chase.

Nelson's. This is when I was like, I know so little about meth that it's insane. Yeah. I don't know enough about meth. So this is his buddy, Chris, who this happened during one of the wrestling sessions. He wanted to take me out of the backyard and prove that he was the man he was supposed to be and he got into a physical wrestling match and I ended up breaking his back. He's got a background.

I heard something crunched, I let go of me late in the ground and told him I should call a paramedic and he told me to get out of there and my neighbor Karen, his neighbor Karen came over and took care of it. Took care of it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what just was said completely. I just need to go over a couple of things.

Yeah, go ahead. He said broke his back, right? So they were wrestling? There was a couple of guys wrestling on meth and then one guy broke the other guy's back. So then a guy's back's broken? Yeah. Terrible news. He's laying there and then he basically, that guy took off.

The guy who broke the back? Yeah. And then Karen saw Sean just laying there because he couldn't get up because his back was broken. Oh, because his back was broken, right. And then she came over and called 911. Oh my God. All right.

And at this point, I'm like, maybe Obamacare isn't such a good idea. Maybe what we need to do here is just, look, it's going to happen anyway, can we just film it and put it on TV? Because meth wrestling. Oh my God, meth wrestling. I know Bumpfights to me feels, that feels morally... Station weird. Yeah, that is worse.

But meth wrestling. But this is people who just, I like to wrestle. They love meth. They apparently do it really hard. Why not just give them a little bit of booty to go home with at the end of it if they win? Yeah. I'm totally on your side. And then Karen comes in, she's the card girl and the cleanup girl, she calls 911.

Lot of teeth on those mats. Lot of teeth. They're going to be falling out in the meth wrestling. The bell will ring and two teeth will just drop out of a guy's mouth. I got to admit, other than my sister's friend, I know so little about meth, so when I started reading this story, I was like, this is fucking insane because what they do while they're on meth is crazy. It's not just like heroin, you do heroin and then you lay around until you find more heroin.

Yeah. Okay. So he continued with his meth addiction. I guess he healed from the broken back. And he was still a plumber. He was still working as a plumber, right? So then he decides to get into gold. Not a meth decision.

No. Okay. Now, when I say go into gold, you mean jump into a big pool of coins like Scrooge McDuck? That's so much better. I'm saying that he found a piece of gold in his backyard. Okay. All right. And then he decided that was the best place to mine for it.

Oh, man. That's like what you do when you're 11. Right? You're like in the yard, you're like, I bet there's all this gold. Your mom's like, I got to re-sod this. I need more. I'm making a mine. I need more.

Eureka, mama. So he digs a 17-foot hole. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I mean, that's big. That's a big hole. It is a big hole, isn't it?

That's a big hole. It's a real big hole. So it's like a real, okay, he's got sub-pumps and he's using chemicals to find the gold, you know, like you. I'm sure he's drinking some of those chemicals every now and then, some for the doctor. As you're supposed to do, he made a sluice. What? A Dr. Seuss character?

Did you know what a sluice is? He had the sluice with the noose. No. Let me explain mining to you. So there are residual, alluvial, and bench types of deposits, mineral deposits. And bench is when it reaches the stream, you know, and then you see all the miners getting it out of the stream. All right.

Alluvial is when the gold's been washed away. So it's like been broken away from the load, and then you try to, you sift through, you try to find it. Sure. And then bench is when you're on math, is where it's the mother load, right? Okay. So, we're betting that he thought he had a bench. Okay.

So he thinks he has the bench. I just wanted to make sure it was not. He thinks he's got the big one. The one the guy yields, it's the mother load. Yeah. That's what he's got. So he made a sluice box, which is the thing that it's got like little sort of ruffles on the bottom to separate the gold from the dirt or the little rocks that you see in like,

you know, old mining movies or whatever, traps, because the gold particles are heavier. So it traps them as the water washes over it. It's the kind of thing you use when you, when you're shoveling gold out of a mine. All right. Right. So he turned his jacuzzi into a sluice. Oh no. White trash haul of fame, you're unnoticed.

I turned my jacuzzi into a gold searching machine. Any good storytelling fellas will always follow up a good meth tale with stories of vampires. So people started to believe that the reason that the family members were getting sick was because the one that had already died was draining the life from the alive ones. He's just, he becomes a prick ghost. You can. That's what they were. He just turned into an asshole ghost.

He's this TV. Stop it. Stop it, Clark. So the, which is a great leap of, well, I mean, it's got to be the dead guy, right? Well, I mean, I think we all know, well, I think we're all thinking the same thing. I'll say it. Obviously it's the guy who just died. He's, he's giving us his TV.

I just, I don't know why. I don't know why he's doing it. I feel terrible. It's dead Larry. Larry, you stop giving us TV. So they started blaming quote unquote vampires, they, that's the name that they gave the life suckers were vampires. Okay.

You see the. Sure. Very clear. Very clear. Yep. So, so what had to be done was they had to exhume the body of the dead guy or girl to stop the vampire from doing what they're doing. It sounds like a guy made it all up on the spot.

It just sounds like a run on say, hey, no, I'm not sick. I'm, I'm, I'm not, let me, okay. I'm fine. I know I'm sweaty and I look a little pale, but they're, you know, Jeff died. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So he is making other people, well, I don't know how we solve that though.

That's the thing. I don't know. I mean, I guess what we do is we just dig them up. Dig them up. Did you say? Dig them up. Yeah. We just take them up.

Okay. Flip them over maybe or set them on fire or whatever. Okay. And then we won't have TV. We all be good. I think that's pretty good. That sounds good to me. Everybody good.

Everybody good. Put those masks away. Everybody say aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Okay. Let's dig them up.

It's okay. It just makes sense. It just makes sense. That's just how your problems solve. You heard a troubleshooting? This is ancient troubleshooting. It's the same thing. It's the same thing.

It's not even ancient. This is the 1800s. No. It's not that far. I mean, really, we're not that distance from these people. No, we're really not. Dig up the body and stab the heart. Grandpa?

Do it. In an attempt to protect the survivors and ward off the effects of consumptions, bodies of those who had died of the disease were exhumed and examined. The exhumation is very widely, in many cases, only family members and neighbors participated, but sometimes the town fathers voted on whether or not to dig them up. I'm sorry. And medical doctors and clergymen gave their blessing. The town fathers?

Pop-pop. All dads? We're the dad committee. That's probably exactly what it was. Dads are making a call. Well, we came inside of our wives. Now we have the judgment. Oh, my God.

Amazing that there's real value. Shame you're single. We could really use a brain like yours. Anyway, you're not a dad. You think that this is an airborne virus? Boy, you need a wife and a child because we're digging up bodies and stabbing them. Oh, fuck. Okay, so there were a lot of, I guess, out in the rural areas, it was kind of falling

apart at this time. The farming was going to shit, and so people were heading to the cities, so there was a lot of abandoned farmhouses and shit like that. So that climate sort of led to people already being freaked out, so it was kind of like in the air. Right. Shit's not going well. Did they try stabbing carrots?

They found somewhere else, like normally ends a drought. They tried throwing carrots at their barn? And unlike probably what you would think, only about 10% of rural Americans belong to a church. Really? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's great.

It's fucking fantastic. This sounds like maybe a better time. Except you say that it's a better time, but they were digging up dead people. Fair point, David. Whereas maybe a priest would go, hey, let's not dig up the dead, they didn't have anybody to do that. Morals, morals. And then in different areas, they did different things.

In Maine and Massachusetts, they would just dig up the body and flip her over and then close her back up. What's great is people were probably like, have you heard what they're doing in Maine? They're just digging them up and flipping them up. They're not stabbing the hearts at all. It's fucking ridiculous. They're all going to die. Every single one of them.

Scary, scary times of vampire days. Of course, we've gotten better as a people and well, we've come around and we're more spiritual and we do things like, well, just listen. He figured that he's being watched over by higher power. I mean, listen, there's a lot of crazy things. If I went through this, I'd be like, maybe there is a God. Right. Well, he doesn't think it's God.

He thinks it's aliens. Well, maybe there is an alien. He called him Echo, Earth Coincidence Control Office. Wow, that's crazy. He's working for the government. What is it? Earth Coincidence Control Office. He believed no matter what happened, Echo would be there to guide him safe through the

tunnel to the light. He wrote Men in Black, right? He said so many of his things turned into movies, I think. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. But Echo was also there to test him, right? Sure. Such as one evening, he took a shot of Kay while he was sitting around watching TV. As one does.

Just shows. You know what, I'm going to watch Dragnet, so I might as well shoot up. Probably do a little Kay, watch Dragnet. And then after he took the Kay, an alien representative, Echo, showed up. Okay. And are you sure? Bloodlessly removed his penis. I'm sorry?

Bloodlessly removed his penis. Dave, you can't just record it. Bloodlessly removed his penis. He said that like, I'm going to go to the store. And then nonchalantly handed it to him. So an alien, now this happens, an alien Kay, this is science. An alien Kay took off his dick without any blood and handed it to him. Was like, here you go, bro.

And so Dr. By the way, I don't work for Echo, I'm just a weird alien. I actually do an alien prank show. You're on it. Will you sign this? Just sign this. It's a release. We can use your image.

So Dr. Lily yelled to his wife, who was upstairs, they've cut off my penis. So, so you're, so you're a lady sitting upstairs and you're thinking, oh God, when is he going to get his shit together? And then he just yells, they cut off my dick. She's like, oh fuck me. And good God, but I have it in my hand, it's okay. Not bleeding bloodlessly. So Tony's wife went downstairs, probably a little worried and pointed out to John that

his penis was still intact. So it was still there. Okay. So which is weird, right? Well, yeah, he took K, right? Well he looked at it closely, he inspected it. And that's when he saw that the extraterrestrial had replaced his normal human penis with a mechanical version that can become voluntary erect when he wanted it to.

Wow. So he had like a bionic dick. Okay, remember when bloodlessly removing the dick was the weird part? So now he's got a robot penis that he could basically command to get hurt. I mean, come on. That'd be great if he pretended after that he couldn't get it up. This happens to all robotic penises. They just break.

Oh, I don't have the remote. An hour later, after the effects of K wore off, Lily found his normal human penis in place of the mechanical one exactly where it had always been. Right. But that all happened. Right. Obviously that all happened. Yeah, what a roller coaster he went on with his penis that night.

Dear Joe. A lot of ups and downs, dear diary, here's a woozy, get ready. I'm going to be the next Philip K dick. Well they're going to turn this into a movie. Tom Cruise stars ass. My penis, it's gone, what are you talking about, it's right there. This is a mechanical one I can make hard when I need to, 20th Century Fox presents. Oh God, now during all this he was working for the government and he was studying the

brain. Right. How was your weekend, Charlie? Good? Good? You? Pretty weird, actually. Had an odd one.

Had an odd Sunday, I did. Shockingly he gained the respect of the scientific community and then at some point he became interested in dolphins. Partly his interest came from floating around for hours in saltwater on drugs. Right, yeah, that'll do it. Basically he was a smart drug addict thinking, oh I'm a dolphin. Now dolphins and penis removal of course lead us straight into the world of crime. Coincidentally, these three guys who have all bragged about killing him and have the

evidence were also remodeling his place. Hoover said that Richards and he had lured the victim into the auto shop on the pretext of looking at his inventory of classic cars. When Richard scratched his head as a prearranged signal, Hoover slugged, bawled it on the head with a baseball bat. Oh my God. Okay, no, but I just love. I'll ask him if we can go see his cars.

I just, okay. I'll hit him with my head. Hit him with the bat. Okay. Wait, what do I do again? So I'll go show me your cars, he'll go, okay, I'll scratch my head, hit him with the bat. Okay, say it again, slow it down. Every part of this has to be a part, okay?

This is important to go this way. Slow it down so I get it. Okay. Yeah. I'm gonna say to him. Go shoot, let's show us your classic cars. Okay. I'm gonna itch my head.

Yeah. You're gonna fuck him up with the bat. Okay, where you gonna itch your head? My head. Beware. Any part here? What if the other part of your head gets itchy? Okay, fair question.

I'll itch the front of my head. The face. The front of my head, not the face, the head. The top. The top of my head. I love that they planned it. You don't need to ask him about the cars. Oh no, don't even go into the cars.

So he hit him with the baseball bat and then he hit him three more times after he fell and then he stabbed him with a knife and a screwdriver in the head and the heart. To me, he hit him three times so he's probably out and then he stabbed him in the head and then he put that thing. Maybe he got stuck. Yeah. Maybe he got stuck and then he grabbed a knife or it was just dirty. Maybe the screwdriver was like so-so and he's like, give me that knife, give me that knife.

I'm sick of this shit. Afterwards, he and Richard's return to Baldwin's home where Andrew had been standing guard. None of that makes sense. He's standing guard at a different location. What if Richard's comes home there? Rich, no Baldwin, you mean? Baldwin comes home there. But they're killing Baldwin.

They're with Baldwin. Still. What if he itched his head? Okay. Think about it. And then they removed the safe and other property. No, no, no. They were given the safe.

Right. And then they took their payment. The dead man gave them the safe. Baldwin gave them the safe. They wrapped the body at the shop and used a boat. Richard had just purchased that evening. I mean, wow. To deliver it to what they hoped would be the final resting place in the bay.

The police believe that the murder conspirators had taken Baldwin's house keys from the shop and used them to burglarize his residence of several guns, a plastic trash bag full of marijuana and a safe. So this guy had a giant bag of pot. Trash bag. I know, right? A trash bag of pot. The marijuana and the guns were recovered on Friday in searches of Richard's home and

the boy's home. The safe. I'm still out of hard time with. After being taken into custody, Hoover talked. He told them all about what happened, that Mark Richards had planned the killing, that they were, he was hurting for money, the business. And if he didn't get money, then he would have to fire him. Well, job security, I mean, can't put a price tag on that.

No, you can't. I mean, the guy wanted, can we give young people a little bit of credit for going the extra mile to keep a job? How about that? It's a scary job market. If it's do or die out there. Thank you. So kill a guy.

Kill the guy. Duh. Baldwin also owed, supposedly owed Richard 3,000. That's a little shaky part of the story. That's a shaky part of the story. Small claims court is also a pain in the ass. Now Hoover agreed to the murder when Richards promised him $5,000 in a car. I'll give you $5,000 in a car.

In admitting that this offer is what persuaded him, Hoover revealed that his only regret was poor planning. That's nice. That's nice. That's a good thing to say to the cops. Looking back my one regret, I didn't get away with it. So they had a routine murder of a couple of idiots and they had all the evidence locked in check case.

Yes. And then they searched Richard's house. I got a good feeling about this. And they discovered the secret organization called Penn Dragon. Okay. That appeared to be in the planning stages of an armed takeover of Marin County. Penn Dragon. So wait, can I, I mean, obviously this has to be like Penn to Graham and Dragon.

Nope. Totally different. God, you think with your Welsh history, you would know this. The detectives found some maps, aerial photographs of Marin, plans for a laser gun, well, a laser gun. That's, uh, it's some classic America. You know what else is classic America and I'm doing segues now that are absolutely terrible. Anyway, I'm talking about dueling.

So, uh, so one guy, the most famous duel was with Charles Dickinson, okay, who was a newspaper man who wrote an article about Jackson's whore wife during an election more on 68. So, but Dickinson was considered like an awesome shot. Okay. And Andrew Jackson wasn't that good of a shot. He sort of had, he sort of went with the more thinking man's game plan of dueling. Okay. So like there's two kinds of dueling.

And this, I'll tell you his, I'll tell you his, I'll tell you his kind of dueling. Jackson thought it'd be best to let Dickinson turn and fire first, hoping that since he was, he would be so quick and sort of flustered trying to get the shot out first that he would miss. And well, there's another way that could go. Yeah. But his plan was that he would then this and then in a duel, you get one shot each. So then the second guy, it's like, buddy, second guy can be like, can you lean a little

bit to the left? No, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Jackson, old Hickory, old Hickory, please. So the second guy could take as much fucking time as he wanted, by the way. Now, what was that about my whore wife, stupidest thing ever? I don't know who thought this up, but they were morons. I would totally be the guy who fired the shot was like, oh, damn it, I'm going to die. So sure enough, Dickinson turned and shot and hit Jackson right in the chest. Oh, shit.

All right. Didn't kill him though. So if he's not dead, he gets to fire the next shot because rules rules, you got to have dual rules. So then he carefully and slowly aimed and shot him in the throat where the talking part happens. No, no, no. Wait, can you move when you can?

I guess you're supposed to stand perfectly still. You can't bob him. We have a little. You should be able to bob him. You should be able to shimmy. No, you should be. It should be like basketball rules, like traveling, like you can have a pivot foot, like you have your pivot foot and you can kind of pivot out a little, like, move a little.

Otherwise, gentlemen, he's pivoting too much. Is he not? I didn't see him lift that toe up, sir. Can you imagine? He's slowly doing all these guys sitting around going, oh, come on, Andy, Andy, come on. Look, he's not moving. Just get it over with, Andy.

Come on, Andy. Shoot me while you must. Oh, my throat. Andy just grazed him or something. Uh, gentlemen, he shot me in the chest. I have a hole in my chest. I'll need you to get a paramedic or whatever we have in this day and age. I'm about to shoot a man's throat.

So, so he shot him in the throat and killed him instantly because apparently a throat can't handle a musket ball. It's a kill shot. The way a chest can. Okay. Yeah. She is. Um, killed him on the spot.

Okay. So he's a no shit fucking killer, steal. He's like, he's like a steely-eyed. So what? He just goes against a beer and drinks it and then it shoots out of his chest after like a cartoon. I mean, he's a Clint Eastwood guy now. Right?

I mean, yeah. There's another check, a scar check, Clint Eastwood check. They're getting shot in the chest and having like the calmness to be like your throat, please. You guys want to get a beer? What do you want to do? Do me a favor. Go to the bar or to me a beer.

I'll be there after I shoot this guy's throat. Old hicker. I know. Okay. So in, uh, the gentleman observed and the gentleman of Tennessee were outraged by that he did that. Like in their eyes, it should have been like, well, you can't make them. They were all like, you can't make him just sit still and shoot him.

Oh, they pictured, they pictured just you both fire at the same exact time. Yeah, you're supposed to bow. And he had a whole different game plan like, well, that's not how we do. You don't know the rules to murder. Play fair. So he then got a reputation as a brutal, cold-blooded killer and lost a lot of friends in his reputation. And he was known as a violent, vengeful man. So in Tennessee, he became kind of a social outcast.

Okay. I like it. But he don't give no shit. Yeah. He ran out of shits to give. So the shot that hit him in the duel ended up close to his heart. And so it couldn't be removed. Much like that whore.

Much like that whore. We're going to have to put that in his Wikipedia page. Much like his whore wife Rachel. Much like that whore wife I his. Then he comes back from the dead. You said what? You fired too early. Oh, God.

So they thought if they took it out of the puncture, they ordered and kill him. And so he had that at him, but they used to say about him that he had so many bullets in him from all the duels that he sounded like a bag of marbles. Like he was just full of bullets. That's a better name than old Hickory. It comes bag of marbles. And finally, let's talk about what America is probably best at, what we excel at, what this is really all about.

Lobotomies. Let your thought therapy first so that they would be calm. Just no. Listen, if they had an anesthetic, there's no need for the electroshock therapy. Okay. Look, if you are, even if you're on, if you, if you're given a local anesthetic, that means you're still awake. And if someone comes near your eye, even if you have a local anesthetic, you're going

to be like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And then they're like, well, how about if we just charge you through it with electricity? I'll be like, I'll just breathe deep. While you go through my eyeballs, I guess. Breathe deep. Okay. This is going to hurt so much.

Not like a little. No, a fucking lot. You're going to feel a huge pinch in your brain. You're going to, what's going to happen is I'm going to put this in, you're going to, it's really going to hurt and you're going to scream and then you're going to go, duh. So the last thing you're going to feel ever is intense horror, fear and pain. I'm gone. And then we're going to go see my fair lady.

So he does the local anesthetic. He would drive the ice pick through the bone near the eye and tap it with a mallet, a mallet, and then he's switched the pick back and forth like a windshield wiper. And voila, everybody's good. So his new technique could be formed in 10 minutes. Oh. Bada boom. Let's get this shit started.

We're on a fucking roll, baby. Under 10 the bottom, he's eight bucks each. Get him in here. Line him up. Come on down. 10 minutes. That's crazy. Now remember, this is in the time when Ford in the assembly of the line, that kind of

shit was the great American thing. He basically took the culture of America and applied it to surgery. Oh boy. Aren't we putting a little shine on it? He basically, he was the Ford of brain mutilation. Okay. Now here's the cool thing. What's the cool thing?

Because he could use electroshock, he didn't have to do it in a clinical setting. So he didn't have to go to a hospital to do it. I'm really excited for where he's doing it. So he started doing them in their office, in their DC, just like, come on in to here, lay down on the table or whatever. So it's the desk, the desk, you know, whatever's flat. The floor. Who cares?

Are you sure this is the right way to do it? Yeah. You just get on the, get on the table. You're not going to care about it in three, two, snip. Who am I? Sorry, I didn't do the operation yet, but you know what I'm talking about. So one day Watts walks into the office to find Freeman cramming an ice pick into someone's eye socket and he was like, what the fuck are you doing?

What are we doing for lunch? So yeah, he was like completely flipped out and he ended their relationship right there. He's like, you're a fucking mad man. This is not how we do things. Okay. I'm a surgeon. Remember the whole studying thing to be a surgeon. I did.

You're a crazy person. Okay. I'm on his side. Freeman was like, you gotta be shitting me. This is so fast. It's fucking awesome. Look at this guy. He's stupid as he could be.

It's perfect. No. Freeman. My God. I basically turned this guy into an apple. It's great. That's not an ice pick. 10 minutes.

Okay. Seriously. Time me. Time me. I'm not going to time you. Time me. Get the secretary. It's not a game.

Get Barbara in here. Barbara should not know about this. Nobody should know about this. Do you have a stopwatch or just one of those sand things? It's the 40s. Yeah. I don't think we have a stopwatch yet. Ice from the fridge.

I could do these at Denny's now. We're in my van. Let's make it happen. A mobile lobotomy unit. Come on. Come on. Come on. Well, then you don't have to bookmobiles.

Oh, God. Yeah. Good. Good. So, yeah. So he is... So things are good. Things are going good.

Well, he's lost his... So he's lost his surgical partner, right? So... No, I wouldn't even say his surgical partner because he's not a surgeon. But he's lost the guy that does the surgery. He's lost the surgeon. Okay. Fair enough.

So after Watts ended the partnership, he shut down the office. After he had his little petite mall. Right. So Freeman was like, well, I'm not stopping this shit. And he took it on the road. Oh, Christ. So he bought a van. I mean...

Baa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. Weren't we just doing a hypothetical joke about him being in a van doing this shit? Yeah. He got a van? Lobotomyil. um yeah boy he I wish I was kidding he called it look the bottom of the lobotomobile yeah it's unbelievable how the fuck are these things slipping through the fucking cracks I hope it had like it like a like an ice cream oh yeah

like just gonna be here all right kids what do you guys want I want an ice cream sandwich and then it's all right who's next well that's it that's our first best of episode of the dollop you guys that's the end of 2021 miracle year one of the best years in american history and remember in 2022 if you are labor you have the power now use it