The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 518 - Benjamin Beast Butler

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine General Benjamin Butler. Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch

You're listening to the dollop on the All Things Comedy Network. This is a American History podcast for each week. I, David Anthony, read a story from American history of the United States to my friend. Again, I've got no idea what the topic is going to be about. How's your cat? The pioneers of reading something to a guy. Well, don't get all weird. Don't get all weird, but true, but don't get all weird.

Sorry. Don't get all, I mean, chip on the shoulder. Sorry. Sorry. Well, just, you came out of the lag row, like, you know, why are you throwing shade immediately? I'm drunk. I'm drunk. You're drunk.

I'm drunk. Yes. Well, we should have known that before we started, because maybe we wouldn't have started. You know what I mean? Action. Oh, fuck. I'll have two more giblets. Come on.

I'll have two more giblets. Fuck you, dad. You're sober. Oh, right. But I, I got sort of a weird, I went back into a place. Weird thing to jump in. Boy, this show got emotional at the beginning. Bad start.

No wonder. You should have said so emotional. Is anybody listening still? I wouldn't be. I'm not here. I've got, I left a while ago. And called it, quote, his jam pads. Jam pads.

I'm the fucking hippo guy. Dave, okay. My name's Gary. My name's Gary. Wait. Is it for fun? And this is not going to come to Tigglypot, Kelly. Okay.

This is like an ad on it. On a five-part coefficient. My room's a place. Now hit him with a puppy. You both present sick arguments. No sleep, no hippo. No sleep, no hippo. Action, partner.

Hi, Gary. No. I sleep dead, my friend. No. No. Roder. Roder in the car. Gareth?

Yes. November 5th, 1818. Year of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1818. Sure. Benjamin Butler. I thought you were going to say Benjamin Buttons. And I was going to, I don't know what was going to happen.

I don't know what was going to happen. You guys are going to start going. This guy's real things are about to start happening. I would have to start in like 2009. 2011. We'll be going backwards. Benjamin Butler was born in Deerfield, New Hampshire. His dad, Papa, I assume he called him, died of yellow fever when he was five months old.

Are you standing up? Yeah. Wow. This is interesting. So his dad died when he was five? Yeah. Five months old. Five months old, sure.

Right away. Mm-hmm. Benjamin was small and sickly at birth. Sure. He had a drooping eyelid and was severely cross-eyed. Wow. I guess the drooping eyelid's kind of a favor at that point. Yeah.

At that point, the drooping eyelid's like whatever. It's like a little bit of a curtain. Yeah. His older brother Andrew became like a substitute father to him. Okay. So Benjamin, very into reading, got a really good education, would get tees about his looks or his quirks, and he would respond with verbal attacks that would sort of stun the people giving him shit.

Nice. So he's like, he's got the rapier's wit. Yeah. Yeah. He was, quote, known as the dirtiest, sauciest, lyingest child on the road. He was tricky and wanton-serving in youth as a warning to other boys. No boy in the country could lie like Ben Butler. Wow.

I relate to the, you know, got to have a little wit to get yourself out of predicaments. I was going to make fun of it, and it was like, that was the best thing to do. Attack. At 16, he was described as, quote, small and stature, health infirm or fair complexion, and reddish-brown hair. Okay. That's not great. No, that's good.

Why? It's not a problem. Really? Fair complexion? Nothing wrong with that? Reddish-brown hair? Nothing wrong with that? That's what we call attractive, my man.

Ah, no. That's a... Hot. It's a gift from the Lord. That's what a description of people can do. You want a little ginger in the latte. From the Sickley Islands, which are just north of France, the Sickley Islands. Right, of course.

He went to Waterville College in Maine. He graduated in 1838. Now, his Sickley appearance, his poor health, was continuing all through college. And then after college, he got a job on a fishing boat for four months, so he's out in the Atlantic, and the dry cold air strengthened his lungs and cured him. What? Yeah. Is that right?

That's what it says. That's what the history is. That sounds like what they would normally give you for a cure, but it wouldn't work. Like, what this boy needs is four months of ocean breeze. Indeed. You'd be like, do you have pills? No, there's no antibiotics. You need to go to the ocean for half a year.

That'll make you fine. Are you just trying to get me cheap on a boat? Suck it in. That'll be $500. Huh? Do you own a boat? Are you trying to get me to work on a boat for... Own a boat?

Of course I don't own a boat. My friend's a captain of a boat. Actually, wait a second. But let me just... Hold on. It's coming. It's here. You should work on said boat.

That's right. And part of the reason why I think it'll be great for you, this is a cure. You don't need to get paid, okay? The cure is to go work free on my friend's boat. I should point out, my friend looks a lot like me with a mustache and a captain's hat. I'm a doctor. Yeah, this doesn't sound... What does it...

No, it just sounds shady. It sounds shady as if you're trying to get me to work free on your boat. Listen. And of course I'm not. It's not my boat for the last time. It's a friend of mine who looks just like me with a mustache and a captain's hat. And you'll go out there, work for free for a while. I mean, not work for free.

You'll be working for free. Get cured for a while is how I should put it. Get cured for a while. You'll go out there. You'll be shucking oysters and sucking scallops or whatever you do to them. And then when you come back, you should be good. Worst case scenario, you work for free for a few months. So we're going out on a boat and we're going to catch oysters on a boat?

You're going out oyster fishing. That's right. You didn't know that was a thing, did you? Do you know what a boat is? Of course I know what a boat is. I have one. I mean, a buddy of mine does. Nice try, A-hole. Not falling for that twice in one day. So how do you fish oysters?

You get a bottom scraping net. I'm not going to walk you through the whole boring routine, but you get a bottom scraping net and it's called dragging. You drag it. You drag it along the ocean floor. These oysters love carp. You fill the net with carp, these oysters, they're practically jumping in the boat. But again, that will be neither here nor there. This is for your health. That's the whole point.

You're going to go on an oyster boat for about half a year, work pro bono, come back cured with a bunch of oysters for me or for the guy. Maybe I'll get some. It's not about me. That's a lot of clams and I ain't just talking about the oysters. That'll be $500. I'm not doing this. Oh, man. Good luck dying then, you little prick.

I'd rather be sickly, honest. Send in the next guy. Send in the next guy. Sick Tommy? Yeah. I got a cure for him. It involves boating for a month and a half. So yeah, so he got better and he gained 25 pounds. Wow. Crazy. So he came back from the boat and everyone was like, well, who's this guy?

Yeah. And then after that, he always wanted to be a lawyer. So he worked as a law clerk for a New Hampshire lawyer. He mostly just read law books and studied the whole time. And then became a lawyer in 1844. He married Sarah Hildreth. They would go on to have four kids. Sarah.

Okay, sure. A modest amount. On this entire journey we go through, Sarah is always with him. Wherever we go, she's there. Sarah's there. Okay. Benjamin fought for a 10 hour work day for manufacturers. And she's there for that. She's like, that's right.

He's fighting. He's fighting for that. 10 hour work day. Yeah, the work day at this time is 13 and a half hours for six days a week. It's amazing how we left it and we're coming right back. Many of the workers are women and kids. So he ends up becoming a spokesman for labor and the poor. He's also a very successful lawyer. He has two law offices, one in Boston, one in Lowell.

Maybe the most lucrative law of practice in New England. He's making $18,000 a year. Okay, wow. Yeah, which a lot of people will make now, but yeah. Yeah, right. He became more and more well known and in 1852 was elected to the Massachusetts House of Representatives. Okay, so he's becoming quite a turnaround. Yeah, he's our boy, a little sick boy.

Our little sick boy is making it, right? So Benjamin is also an officer in a state militia called the Jackson Musketeers. Sure, sure. When you get more than three, it becomes a Jackson. That's right. They were all of Irish descent, Democrats and Catholics. So it's a bunch of Irish musketeers. It's a drink club.

So that's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. I'm fucking pissed as a fart.

I don't feel it right. I just realized these are musketeers and all. It's just a mirror. It's been me the whole time. He just drips off that guy. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. And look, if you want to comment that we just did a stereotype of Irish people being drunk, send it to Last Podcast on the left or something.

something. Last podcast at the left of gmail.com. All the complaints go there. He became a spokesman for labor. Oh, I already did that. So he moved to the rank of Brigadier General. So he's now Brigadier General of this militia. And in 1858, he becomes a state senator. I should point out, I don't really know what that means, but that means charge. So general is like you're, you become a general Brigadier General is like it happens in the field or it happens like it's like a, it's not, it's not like an on the fly promotion. Yeah, kind of more on the fly. Yeah. That's how I put it. So, um, so 1858, he's state senator and state starts seceding from the union after Lincoln gets elected. You know

where this is going, right? Of course. Um, so Benjamin goes to the governor, Andrew, John Andrew, and he says that the state militia should be called up because, you know, we're going to war and the governor's like, yeah, okay. And then he tells the governor they need, they're going to need heavy coats for the winner. 2,000 coats are ordered. It costs $20,000 altogether. Um, the middle sex woolen mills company got the contract and Benjamin happened to be a stockholder and he got a dividend of 31% off that, um, 20 K. So it's interesting. It's a good, it's a good deal. I mean, some would call it a conflict of interest. Another would call it shrewd capitalism. I'm gonna call it just American. It's just American

business. How it works. Yeah. I know a guy. Oh, it's this guy. I know a guy that's me. It's a little like that doctor we heard from before. That's right. So he, he is put in command of the troops. Uh, he has no practical military experience at all. It's just, that's what you want. It was always a political appointment. That's how we got the position. So he's now commanding 4,000 men. There's no clue what he's doing. That, that was pretty common at the beginning of this of war. A lot of those generals were like political appointments. So no one knew what they were doing. So it was just kind of the fancy, fancy men versus like the people who knew what they were doing a little bit. Well, there was really no, yeah,

I guess the South had more people that knew what they were doing, but, um, most of these are political appointments. Yeah. So it's, okay. It's not really one side had smart guys and once I did, and it was all just that guy, that guy's a fancy boy. So let's put them in charge. Not, not, not that, not that phrasing, but you know what I mean? No, no, I believe that's in the constitution. God, that would be amazing. Fancy boys with nice codes. No but no more questions. Sign it. So Benjamin's brother, Andrew had just come back from the West coast where he'd been prospecting gold for 11 years and Benjamin made him a colonel. Sure. Right. It's normal stuff. Yeah. No, he knows. Yeah. It's basically the same. Yeah.

You've been looking for gold. Now you're in charge of it. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. We don't even need the dots are connected. So obviously we don't even need to Bob. Yeah. Like if you, if you go 2000 miles and try to dig holes and find shiny rocks and you don't, then you should be put in charge of troops. Yeah. I'm the manager of this Arby's previous experience. I played Frisbee. So with me with dog sandwiches. Huh? It doesn't matter. What's this? Horsey sauce? Yeah. Yeah. More of that. That's right. Keep it moving boys. It's actually a sandwich artist. Hmm. Well, this is just like Frisbee. We have a goal and we've got to hit it. So Benjamin is supposed to take his troops by

train down the coast, but he finds out that in Baltimore people are attacking Union troops. So he's like, I don't want to take the train through there. So he has put his troops on a ship and takes them around to land in Annapolis, Maryland. But Maryland is like at that place where they're like, which side do we join the north of the south? What are we going to do? So, so the mayor and governor are like, don't fucking land the ship. And he's, and he just does anyways, like fuck, fuck off. I don't care. And he lands. Now at the time there's a rumor. I mean, it's hard to stop a ship from porting. You're like, hold it. It's breaking our arms, sir. Well, he didn't get permission from the federal government.

He was just like, I'm doing this. Like they thought he was going by train. So he's gone rogue. Yeah, right. He was on the train. Now he went boat. And now he's like, I'm going to Annapolis. Yeah. He's totally, he's totally winging it. So and now do you remember the mission? I'm starting to think we need to find people with experience for these posts. Yeah, I hear you, but I found a fuck. He just has no clue what he's doing. I found a really cool boat. It's got like engines. You were supposed to be on a train. Yeah, but we had a train. But trains are like, Bumby, Bumby, Bumby, Bumby, Bumby. And I was like, I want some whoosh whoosh. You know what I mean? I want to whoosh it. That's what I got your

job. So I told the boys and the boys are like, fuck you. Let's go on a cruise. So we're on the boat. Your language, first of all, you're speaking to a superior. We're catching oysters. We're having a ball. And then I see, well, I do love an oyster catch. And then I see an apple. They jump into the boat. I see Annapolis and I'm like, bingo, let's fucking do this. So they were very clear that you should not port your ship there. Yeah, but I had to start listening. I had a ship and they had like a port, like a, you know, there's like a dock. So let's do this. I've already established those facts. I already said that you give me you're not allowed to have a policy of quote unquote, let's do this.

You need to listen to direct orders. Do you understand? Yeah, but even get me started on your brother who opened a man looking for nuggets. You know how I had shirts made up? Let's do this before. Like I know people thought that maybe we're not instructed to have those shirts made up. We also find out that you have a big stake in that company that made a lot of the outfits. Well, I wouldn't I wouldn't call codes outfits, but that's the way we got the most quality coat. That's how we did that. So anyway, I got to get back to my boat boys because we're having we're having one, you know, we're fucking tossing off like it's crazy over there. Stop talking like that. I'm a hit and then

disgusting. And then we just hit an apple. You're just on a boat whacking off. I don't want to hear anymore. Look, just do what you're told from now on. Do you understand? We're not whacking off, man. We're having a party. We're fucking turning it loose. Stop swearing at his superior. Can you hear them? They're chanting. Let's do this. Can you hear the boys? I'd rather I hear them. It's I'd rather not any who you guys have a good war. We're going to have one. I'll let you know what we're doing as we hit part of this as we get there. I'm kind of not do it that way. I'm kind of just like free jamming. You know, I'm in a free jam. It's not how it works. You do not free jam war. I'm a free jams.

A series of high. No, it is a hierarchy. You do your thing. I'll do my thing. You know what I mean? I swear to God, I hate him, but I love his attitude. I do too. This guy knows what he's doing. You go do what you want. Benjamin Buttons. Thank you, sir. Whatever your name is. So, uh, so he lands in anapolis and he's trying to mend, you know, the relationship a little bit. And there's a rumor that I'm sorry we poured it here. There's a rumor that there might be a slave insurrection. So to make up for things he offers to use his troops. If there is an insurrection to put it down, which you can see the problem there because when the governor of Massachusetts hears about this, he's like, what the fuck

are you doing? Cause he's a huge abolitionist who had donated money where of the side we hired. Yeah, you're on the other side, man. I mean, the governor, don't worry, don't worry. We understand. We wait a minute. We're part of the North. Yes. Oh my God. This is crazy. I miss this. We're against slavery. We're getting it. Man, pro freedom. I feel like you did. Tell me that. Yeah. No, that's what kind of what the whole thing's about. Even though no, no, I recognize that people are here thinking. Yeah. No, I get that. Yeah. Boy, I put my foot in it this time. Yeah. I mean, that's why we put it. Well, and who's it'll be? What's for lunch? Oysters. I mean, that is kind of what we're doing. It sounds

like you're dealing with like, I mean, he has no idea what he's doing. Yeah, basically. He certainly doesn't get the command structure of a military. It's like if the dollop were to be war plans. That's exactly it. Okay. So, so yeah, he offers and like I said, the governor of Massachusetts is a huge abolition. The governor of Massachusetts had donated money to John Brown. That's how all the other side is. So he's just fucking livid now at this point. So to get to get Benjamin out of Maryland, the secretary of war relieves him of command. Okay. And in other words, he was he was politely fired. Yeah. So Benjamin sends him a letter quote, if my services are no longer desired, I'm quite willing to be

relieved altogether, but I will not be disgraced. So it seems like a hard line to walk. But okay, so he's he's like, you may fire me, but I can't look bad while being fired. Well, that's the rule. He's relieved to command. So he's still in the military. He's just lost his army. He's not commanding anybody. So he's not fired fired. So so everyone who worked for him at the Arby's left. That's right. He's running the Arby's alone. So okay, he's still super, super popular in Massachusetts. And Lincoln needs him for political reasons. So Lincoln doesn't want to cut him loose. So Lincoln then promotes him to major general. That is like the worst. I mean, that and there's so many stories that like where to like solve

a temporary problem like someone who shouldn't be working is promoted just to save face. Yeah, that's right. We're promoting you. We really like the way you handled that North strategy of quashing a rebellion of the slaves. So well done. And we will promote you to a higher post. Yeah. So he is sent to Fort Monroe, Virginia. And while he's there, three escaped slaves come in there like, Hey, can we have some protection? Which he does. Okay. But then he declares because the owner is like, I want my slaves back. And so he declares the slaves contraband of war. So he's basically like their political prisoners or their property, their property

that has been taken. Oh, my God. Right. Christ. Okay. So that's a that's a fun loophole to hear about like, I got you through it because you guys are objects. So like, this is a really uncomfortable rationale. It's not good. Don't worry. So so so Lincoln hasn't come up with a policy for emancipation yet. And Benjamin's kind of overshooting. Now he's setting like a standard, right? He's setting a rule. So Lincoln Lincoln hears this, he doesn't know what the fuck to do. And then abolitionists and the northern press fucking love it. They're like, what an amazing call that this guy's made. So Lincoln approves Benjamin's action. He's like, Okay, then that's good. That works.

Okay, so he basically was like, your objects, therefore, they can't take you back. And Lincoln was like, Jesus Christ. And then I was like, that's awesome. So Lincoln was like, Okay, yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. Okay. So now on his own, Benjamin decides to head up to Richmond, which is the Confederate capital, and he's going to cut off the supply trains. Right. Okay. It's supply train economics. Yeah, that's yes. Right. You're not you're not as dumb. Thank you. Keep going. So he he again, like I said, he didn't ask the federal government for approval. He just did this on his own. Does he know that he's supposed to in any way? Is he is he like incompetent? Or is he just in a rush? Or just he's just

like the Miles Davis of war plans? He's like a puppy. I just think he's very excited. We'll find it, baby. We'll find it. We'll find it. They're like, No, this is a very strategic baby. Relax. We got to find it. I don't need sheet music. I just play. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, it's he just does it again. I mean, this is the second time he's done it, right? So again, he has no experience in battle. His attack is a fucking disaster. There's there's friendly fire. They're killing each other attack us. So okay, after his men are killing each other. So it's a total shut show. They totally lose no success at all. And then once again, the regiments are taken away from him. And he's relieved of command. Okay, so

they put a new general in charge of the regiments. But that guy's so old, he's like almost 80 that he just goes Benjamin, Benjamin, you just control everything. You're back in charge now. You're everyone. Listen to me. We're going to use a battle strategy this time. That's better. I have so much corn in my teeth. Okay, thank you, sir. Can anyone can anyone figure out a way to get corn out of my teeth? Yeah, we have to talk about this is a town toothpicks is just over there. Oh, and what are those please slowly? What are they? It's a little piece of wood you picked. Oh, okay. Why don't we have a few of you go get the toothpicks? Uh huh. And then a couple of you stay back to make sure that I'm not attacked

while I'm waiting for them for the for the. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I I've never wanted my my my grand my grandson passed away at birth. Yeah. Now I'm ready for the south. I'm rooting for the south. I just want them to come up here and kill us. That's how long. What do you mean the south? The south of what? Okay, France. Just stop. Oh, you know, no, I had a friend who was French one Christ or German. Hold on while I think about it. Where's happened to those roof picks? Okay, hold on. Everyone relax. Oh, I'm tired. Hello. Oh, it's the men from war. Wait, I'm 80 in the 1800s. That's like 150 in your years. No, that's not it's not that. Okay, yes. Okay, maybe he should run it again. What do you think the other

guy was? Yeah, it's good. Okay, he's good. Yeah. I'm so relieved in two ways. Oh, yeah, three if you count the urine I just made. Okay, that's enough. Just go ahead. All right. Okay, can you lay down over there on the grass? Nope. My back isn't working. Okay. That's fair. Back don't work. Yep. Just okay. Wrap it up. Can you die? Oh, you're rushing me to die. Yes, I would like you to die. Hold on. I'll win it. Hold on. Thank you. Oh, yeah. That was a long one. What? Oh, nothing. Jesus. Oh, God, that was terrible. See, so that's why they probably put him back in charge. I was just trying to give some context. So right. So he actually then takes part in a successful attack, but he fucked up and the

Navy did all the work. But he was part of it. So he took part at right. Okay. He gets in a squabble with the New England governor again. This time over recruiting, the governor says he can recruit. Benjamin says he can recruit. So the governor goes to talk to Lincoln about it and Lincoln says to him. Lincoln must be like over this dude. Lincoln says to him, well, Benjamin's cross-eyed and he does not quote, see things the same as other people do. Oh my God. Wow. Taking shots. And if anyone should, it's Lincoln. Wow. I mean, he's like honest Abe. You don't expect him to be like roast battling. Yeah. No, it's pretty crazy. Like so like, but you know, he's very unlinked. Well, he wasn't, you know,

Lincoln wasn't all like, don't offend people. He was, uh, I've read a lot about Lincoln and he was okay. So a large attack is planned. They're going to go head down the Mississippi. I'm going to take over two forts that are right near New Orleans and then they're going to take the city of New Orleans. That's the plan. So Lincoln thinks Benjamin is the perfect guy to handle the occupation of New Orleans once it's taken over. So on February 23rd, 1862, is that just like straight up his reasoning? He thinks he would be good at it or is it some sort of like, no, I think, well, I think it's a combination of like, I want to take care of this guy, but also, yeah, I think this is going to be good at it. Okay. Okay.

All right. Um, so, and also like he's not good in war. So put him in charge of just controlling the city instead. I think. Sure. Right. Smart. Lincoln. Lincoln's I'm winning the war. He just really good job. Nobody died. What? Like eight people died in the whole war. So it's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Including him. Yeah. No, he's, he lived seven. He survived. Thank it. Oh, he died when he was like 85 or something. Oh, I'm here. God damn it. Wrong age, stupid. So, uh, so Benjamin takes part in this attack. Uh, he's commanding 15,000 men and the attacks on the forts are successful even though Benjamin keeps moving his men to the wrong place the whole time. He's always in the wrong location strategy. Yeah. Smart strategy. So with the

forts taken New Orleans, New Orleans is just a sitting duck and they're told to surrender and raise the stars and stripes. Right. Okay. So the mayor sends a note out stating they're not going to surrender, but also they can't resist a takeover. Quote. Quite a, quite a line he's trying. Yeah. Quote, come on shore and hoist what flags you please, but don't ask us to do your flag raising. Huh? Interesting. So he's like, what's up? You may take it over, but we're not going to help you. I put up your flag. A lot of applause. A lot of applause. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Basically. We can't stop you, but we're not going to do your work. Yeah. They're like, we don't expect you to. Well, well, well, we've got a deal.

So they sent in some union soldiers to take down the Confederate flag above the US mint and put up the stars and stripes. Isn't it crazy that we just started doing that again like 10 years ago? Yes. Uh, congratulations to Canada for finally having Confederate flags. Um, so those guys don't stay there because they're not ready to station soldiers in the city yet. So they, they're like, don't take down the fucking flag or they'll be held to pay. Oh, okay. Three hours later, four dudes come and put up the Confederate flag. And so they, the ship fires artillery into the city. They told time, you can't take down the flag. Yeah. Don't make me hurt you. It's just like, uh, what happened? It's a battle.

We still, we're still fight this battle. Well, Diane Feinstein in the fucking eighties. Yeah. You mean Diane? Everything's fine. Stein. The daily picking you celebrated the flag removal heroes. Uh, the name them one was William Mumford, who had ripped up the flag and handed out pieces of it to people in the city. Who's got that strength? I don't know, but that's amazing. That's like the phone book of their day. Yeah. You told me to rip a flag. It will not happen. They probably called it that. I agree. I probably can't rip a flag now. I'm not, but just in the day, I could not rip a flag. I like how you say that. I mean, I have the strength to, but I love the country too much. I wouldn't be

able to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like how you say that's what I blame it on. If someone was like, rip the flag, I'd be like, actually, I just love her too much. I'm not even going to try anymore. I like how you say, uh, it's like the phone book of the day is if the phone book today is something that we have. I'll be honest. I stopped getting the yellow pages like three years ago. They hung on way too long to the yellow pages. The idea that the yellow, they were still coming for a little, they were like, here's your phone book. It was like, guys, we do, this is like, we stopped. No, this is a booster seat. This is no, there's no, these are only for ripping at this point. Yeah. The only

reason to give us phone books is to encourage us to rip them. We have phones that go to satellites that give us information. Would you like to search for it in a book? Here's your free book. Uh, so Benjamin is fucking livid that they took down the flag. He vows to hang Mumford. He's like, I'm going to hang that guy someday. Um, the next day, 250 marines with howitzers are sent into the city. They march through the streets playing the star spangled banner and then they hoist the flag. Uh, the stars and stripes back up above the mint. Okay. The next day, Benjamin comes in and he sets up, uh, crowds pack the dock as the boat rolls up and they, they're screaming on the shouting at him that summer's coming

because summer means yellow fever. And they're shouting that the yellow fever is going to take them all out. Quote, you'll never see him again. Yellow Jack will have you before the long and they're saying this to Benjamin, though all the, you know, all the guys on his boat. They're saying the yellow fever is going to kill them. Okay. And they're proud of this. What a, what a brag. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. Yellow Jack's coming. Uh, it's an airborne virus will kill you. That's our threat. And they yell, uh, for Benjamin quote, where is the goddamn rascal to come out? And then when he comes out, there he goes. God damn him. So they just yell and they're just fucking screaming. Um, so the

troops march to the streets. Once, uh, they get set up, Benjamin issues general order number 15, no soldier would plunder property. All Confederate soldiers had to surrender and give up their weapons. Anything not quote embracing the U S was prohibited. Citizens had to take an oath of allegiance to the U S if they didn't, their property could be seized. No one can use Confederate money anymore. No printing of anything against the U S and then he puts us all, he goes to a newspaper to have him print it so he can send it out to everybody and the newspaper is like, I'm not doing that. So he takes over the newspaper, prints it and then shuts down the newspaper. Wow. I would say a very good, swift action

to sort of try to cut off the Confederacy pipe. I know. Yeah. I don't have any problem with any of that. I mean, you know, you lost a fucking war or you lost, you know, the city in a war. Yeah. I mean, yeah. And then I mean, I love the idea of like, we won't print that then I'll print it then what you're out of business. Wow. He really fucked us. He really fucked us good. Yeah. Uh, so he sets up his offices in a ladies parlor in a hotel. Nice. I've done that. Well, I think they took over the hotel that like the troops stay there and then they're like, Oh, there's a parlor here. We'll have an office. Sure. So he sends for the mayor and the mayor is like, I'm not going to have a meeting in a ladies parlor.

What are you doing? Come to the mayor's office. And then he sends a union soldier and over there to the mayor and he's like, if you don't come, things are going to get really, really unpleasant for you. Like it's going to be really bad. So the mayor's like, Oh, okay, I'll go to the ladies parlor. Oh, oh, Benjamin said that to the mayor. So the mayor's like, all right, fine. It's a normal meeting. I didn't know you were going to. Oh, this is great. Right. Let's get our hair and nails done. Absolutely. So he brings over a bunch of other city bigwigs and they go, uh, they go to meet and outside the building is just a huge crowd because number one, they're meeting with Benjamin, but number two, Benjamin's

taken the hotel over like he's confiscated a hotel. So they're all screaming outside and then Benjamin, it's so loud. He can't hear the other guys in the room. So he asked for artillery to be brought down to clear your place. We should have done it at yours. This is ridiculous. I told you a lady's parlor would be too loud. I said that it's always what I said the ladies parlor would be too loud because it's chitty chat. Yeah, I agree. We've got to make sure we got a kitty cat, but not right now. No, we need to do is focus on the mission at hand. No, I'm saying that first of all, you're right. Let's get a few kitty cats in here and then we'll see what happens after that. No, petting them can be

quite cathartic. I said your heart rate. I said chitty chat. Also don't, I don't want my nails done. I don't want my nails done. Can you get her away from me? What I said was keep doing his nails. He's asking for a chitty chat. No. Oh, you don't want to pet a cat with wet nails. That makes sense. Can we get a bunch of cats with plastics on them or whatever we have? Like I guess right now it'd be some bark or some shit. Put that on them. Okay, great. The cats are on their way, sir. Thank you. Yeah, fuck you too. You don't talk to me like that. No more cats with this guy. I'm getting extensions. Well, listen, a lot of things are pretentious. They died down. I could hear you now. Oh, okay. Sorry.

So, uh, so Benjamin asked for our artillery to be brought in to clear the street. He's like, let's just blow him up. He is not messing around. No, not at all. So the mayor begs him not to and he goes out to talk to the crowd to tell him to quiet down, but they just scream louder for Benjamin. They're like, we want him. So Benjamin steps out and he yells quote, who calls for me? I am here. And then everyone just got really, all of us really, really fucking quiet. I was calling, but I wasn't like calling for you. I was like, well, my bike is named Benjamin. So I was shouting. I wanted to see that. So we should probably get out of here. I was yelling, uh, when German what? Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Same. We were all young. When you've been one. All right. Good to meet you, man. Really good stuff. Love the paper, by the way. Yeah. So cool. So good. I like your hair. The new style with the, you got in there. Perm's awesome. It's an awesome perm. Um, at that point, as everyone's quieting down, uh, the artillery arrives and everyone just fucking runs. Okay. So it's a twofer. Everyone was like, wait, uh, maybe we don't want to do this. And then he's like, just to make sure. Cannons. Yeah. Can't, would you? How about cannons? How about a cannon? Conversation stopper. So he has the meeting with the mayor and the mayor is like, you know, we're not going to take this. And he's like, no, you're going to

fucking take it. Like that's how it goes. So New Orleans is in shit shape because it's been blockaded for a year. There's not a lot of food, tons of hungry people. So Benjamin has ships and trains bring in food to help people out, right? Uh, at the same time, he starts getting anonymous letters calling him old cockeyed and threatening to kill him. I mean, at this point, he's probably over like, I mean, he's not over it, but it's sort of like the physical stuff is like whatever. I mean, it's like their fear. It's the last gasp of a dying movement kind of, right? Uh, yeah. I mean, well, the Confederate is alive and going. I mean, it's not like, you know, they've just taken over New Orleans,

but I mean, like name calling. Yeah, they're like, we're going to kill you. That's what I'd focus on. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to kill you thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would probably focus more on that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so, uh, yeah, there he is. Whoa. That's him. Honestly, I mean, I guess you can kind of it. I mean, you can see it. Yeah, you can kind of see it. And you can see one eye is definitely cross the, the one closer to me is like, yeah. Yeah. Um, so, um, so yeah, so, so people are violating that first general order he put out, right? They're just like, yeah, no, I'm going to just do what I want to do. So he forms a military commission to sort of look into it. Um, a soldier is

refused service at a shoe store for being a quote, damn Yankee. And Benjamin has a red flag put over the store and then he auctions off all the shoes. I mean, he is done. I mean, he's done. He came there to chew gum and do some shit. He's all to go. I mean, that really is like sending a message. Yeah. We won't serve you, but then you're done serving. But no, that's it. You don't have any shoes. And back then you're not like a footlocker. That's like, that was 18 years of shoes. Yeah. I mean, there's, there's, I mean, he's hobbling for days and days. Yeah. There's not, there's no importing of shoes. He, the guy's making them, right? Yeah. So, so it's just like, what can you

do? Okay. Uh, so all the businesses then suddenly treated union soldiers better. They're all like, Oh, why don't you come on in, boys? Come on in. Well, you're going to look mighty fancy in a suit from here. We'll serve anybody. The last thing we want is for our business to go. Oh, did you hear about that shoe store? God, that really made my blood boil. Oh, what do you think about it? A man's a man as far as I can see. Oh, we're very happy to have you. Hey, bring your friends. Bring all your friends. Come on down to suit shop, suit shop. We got suits for everybody.

Yeah. You got a question there? Go for it, my man. You have a giant Confederate flag on the back of your wall there. Well, I'm merely a decoration. Only something I put up underneath it will be a union. Well, you know what? Get that down there. Tommy, take down that Confederate flag. That's a bunch of horse shit. I'll tell you, I hate that flag. Unless you're a Confederate soldier, then maybe not. But the point is a union either way. I'm not one of these people who like pays attention to political leadings. This is not a political suit shop. This is just a suit shop. Oh boy. What might have happened to have you? Might have had to have you boys. Why are you selling? Why are you selling kill

all Yankee shirts? Well, yes, you know, we sometimes we overordered. We overordered about 15 years ago when it was popular. It was in vogue at the time that we moved on from that. So it's just another item of the, it's an albatross. If you ask it's an arc, it's a relic. That's what it is. It's a relic. No, no, no. Ideally, I just want to have white walls or not even white. No, no, maybe beige. Something is right in the middle, a creamy color, something mocha, something like that. I don't judge a man based on the color of the skin, based on his political leadings and whatever he wears. Union, Confederate, come on in. Women. I don't even give a fuck

anymore. Women can come on in. I'm out of fucks to give. Boy, anyone coming. Last thing I need is to have someone just give away all my suits. So don't worry about a thing. Come on in, anybody. We serve dogs. That's having horses. That's right. You want a super horse? We'll figure out a way to give you a super horse. We'll make suits for anything, any occasion, any time. Oh man, oh man. We're just here to please. We're a suit shop. We're not the Congress or something like that. Oh boy. I tell you, I tell you, we love having business. Oh man, I have no judgments. I don't have a thought in my head. I'm braindead. I'm legally braindead. I ain't got a brain. I'm unable to think about politics. Oh man, if

the check clears, what do I care? Oh man, oh man, oh man. Let's just get the red flag because this guy's annoying. We're going to go. No, no, no. Please, not the red flag. Not the red flag. You just don't. You never shut up. You don't shut up. I just can't. So soldiers are also being spit on and like cursed and insulted, right? Sure. Now Benjamin thought the town's having a trouble make a transition. Yeah. Okay. So Benjamin thought it was kids that were doing this, but then he learned, quote, women of all states and conditions and degrees in life were doing it also. So it's, it's ladies and kids. So I mean, if they're talking about the yellow fever spreading, this is sort of self-fulfilling.

So he issues general order number 28. Please tell me it's no more spitting at soldiers. As the soldiers of the US have been subject to repeated insults from the women, calling themselves ladies of New Orleans, in return for the most scrupulous, non-interference and courtesy on our part, it is ordered that hereafter, when any female shall by word gesture or movement insult or show contempt for any soldier of the US, she shall be regarded and held liable to be treated as a woman of the town, applying her application. If you explain the last part spit on a soldier, if you say something, gesture, movement, insult, right? Any soldier, you will then forth be considered a prostitute. Wow. What a, what a time. Just

the shame train. But they also felt like there was a distinction between woman and lady. Like lady was like a, like a hierarchy wise, like a lady is higher than a woman. He was thrown shade. He was like, they're women, but they call themselves ladies, but they're clearly not because they're spitting on soldiers. They're just women, right? Whereas today you be like, okay. So the mayor hears this and this, this is playing out in newspapers, like they're writing letters back and forth. And the, I found the letters, they're all printed all in papers around the country. The mayor and Benjamin are going back and forth in a letter battle. Yeah. And he went, he went back and forth with the governor, Massachusetts.

The shit is all playing out in letters. It's like, it's no different than a Facebook fucking fight, right? It's right, right. Just delay. So the mayor thought that he had declared all women in New Orleans are now prostitutes. And he's like, well, there won't be any peace in the city if that's the case. And that's like, no. Well, Benjamin then threatens to put him in prison. And then they end up talking about it. And the mayor realizes it was just women who insulted soldiers who'd be there. They're the only ones who are considered sex. Oh, I understand. Okay. I thought you had a crazy thought for a minute. Take on. So he apologizes. And then the mayor comes back the next day and he goes, I want to withdraw

my apology. And Benjamin's like, we just get the fuck out of here. Just go. I'm busy. So the mayor comes back again with another group of city officials and then Benjamin meets with them and he's like, okay, one by one. Tell me if you agree with what the mayor said. And those who agreed, he put in prison. So three guys agreed, a judge, the police chief and another guy and the mayor, and they're all put in prison in Fort Jackson. They're all. And if you're following them, you're like, no, I agree. I wouldn't say I agree. I mean, I just saw a group of guys walking and I thought, well, this looks like a fun group of guys.

I'll just start following them. I came down here. Plus, what does agree mean? I mean, what does that word mean? You know what I mean? I agree. I love what I love. I love Ken's point. What does agree mean? What is agreeing? You know, agreeing is one of those things that you can, you know what I'll do? I agree to disagree, which is interesting. So yeah, now that we see what happened, I don't agree. I don't agree. I don't agree. I don't agree. I don't know any, any of the aggregates. I don't do any

of the A, G words. No, we're, yeah, for sure. We're done saying any of that stuff. Yeah. So yeah, by the way, those guys are whatever. Yeah. Bye. Good to meet you. Good to put a face, good to put a face with the name. So that's cool. Really enjoyed it.

It's really a pleasure. Really a pleasure. I'm going to go home to my prostitute. Wife, sorry, I'm just going by your fucking letter or whatever. Yes. And terms of the era, yes. So a word of Benjamin's order spreads across the South and people are fucking livid. A general reads it to his soldiers to fire him up before battle. A 60,000 reward is offered for Benjamin Butler's head.

Wow. Confederate sympathizers gave Benjamin a new nickname, the beast. There you go. That's better. Yeah. Right. The beast. I would take the beast. Yeah. What's up, boys?

Like there's power. Yeah. What's up, boys? My name's the beast. Benjamin, we're not going to call you the beast. We're your friends. Oh, yeah. But that's my new, that's my new jam. I'm now the beast. You know what I mean? So let's just go with the beast. Is that stitched on your jacket? Yeah, I got a, yeah, I had it stitched on my jacket and also my shorts. It's a weird combo, but anyway.

Yeah. Well, I'm, I'm, what are you going to do? I mean, you guys, you guys don't know because you don't know what it's like to be the beast, but it's how we roll. I want to be the gator and there's no, that's not a thing. So I'm the bird, the bird man that, why would you want to be a bird? We're snakes. What? Jack and I are going to be snakes. None of these are good.

Be a fucking beast, bird, gator, the snake boys. Okay. So let me tell you something about a beast, a beast fucking will fuck your shit up. He fucks like a crazy man or beast. I'm a beast. I'm a beast. I'm going to be bees. I'm going to be bees. Like, I'm bees. I'm a bunch of them. There we go. We all have cool animal stuff. So we've got the beast, which I love gator, that we got the snakes. There's the other

guy. I forget what he was and I'll be the bees. None of you fucking, none of you fucking hate to pick honey badger. Nobody picked honey badger. Hedgehog. Nobody. Why the fuck would you want to be a hedgehog? The beast is going to kill all of you guys. No, I got quills.

Plus, you can't kill me. You don't get to pick your own nickname. The nickname got put on me because I call a bunch of ladies prostitutes. So I earned it. I earned it. You don't just get to be like, I'm a honey badger now. Fucking bullshit. No, nobody picked honey badger.

If you like honey badger, pick a piece, but I'm the hedgehog. You can't come near me when I got my quills. Look at this. Oh, I'm in a little fetal position. You're unable to diagnose how to open me. I look like a sea enemy. Sea an enemy. How do you say that word?

I'd actually like to be the sea an enemy. No, no, we're not doing sea anemones. No. Oh. I'm not doing any of this. There's one, there's one nickname. It's beast. No one else has a nickname.

Hedgehog. Oh, you're going to say mine. So I'm going to break up the meeting. The whole, everything's over, we're not doing this. Well, if you want the meeting to be over, come and get me out of the fetal position, beast. Okay. Good luck.

All right, bye. My quills are out. I'll see you guys later. I'm going to see myself. I'm a beast out. Yeah, I'm going with the, I'm going with the honey badger. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, um, beast, it, look, it works. The insults, the everything stopped. No one was insulted. The soldiers anymore. Crazy how it works.

Yeah. It totally worked. Um, people are still doing shit. A bookseller put a union, union soldier skeleton in his window. Uh, he was put in prison for two years. Another guy got two years for making a cross out of the bones of a union soldier. So he got two. All right.

A lot of bone stuff's happening. A lot of bone work. This Eugenia Phillips was arrested for laughing at the funeral procession of a union soldier. She was on her balcony at the time having a children's party. Um, she was put in prison for months. No, no, I mean that changes the vibe of a kids party. Now the city also has money issues. There's millions were taken out of the city when the union started attacking and what

that was left behind was hidden. So people, right? So it's like gold and silver and stuff. So people are forcing you use Confederate cash, which has been outlawed and is losing value. Um, they also use streetcar tickets for movie, uh, for, uh, for cash, for cash money. Yeah. Okay.

And it's like it'd be easy to counterfeit money at this time. And they also use saloon shin plasters. Um, sorry, saloon shin plasters, which, which are, it's basically cash. Cash made by a saloon, but it's worth less than a dollar. So like, it's like a saloon bucks, it's like six flags money, but like saloon money. That's right. Saloon saw box and you're like, uh, you know, I'm going to put all my money in saloon saw bucks.

And then you leave. They're like, well, we don't take your bar money here. Why did I do that? What was the point? What is the point? I don't know what the point, I mean, maybe leaning into your alcoholism just so like somebody's like, you have a problem. I do have a problem where I'm going to spend all my saloon money.

I mean, maybe they didn't have enough change. So they give out change that way. And then it would make people come back to the bar to spend the money there. I mean, I would, you know, you'd be like, no, I'd like money there. Like the first time you're like, this is saloon money. Oh, okay. I fell for it. It's a thing now.

We've got a currency. But anyway, people started using this stuff for money because there, there's not enough in circulation. But they have nothing else. I mean, a guy bought a cup of coffee and paid a dollar and he got back 19 streetcar tickets and change. I mean, you cannot like, I'd be like, I do not want the coffee. Here you go.

Here's some. I don't even use the streetcar. I walk. I got a bike. Well, that's money in a way. There you go. Put some saloon money. All right.

Look, how about this? We've got Toys R Us bucks. They're fun bucks. They're circus toys. They're us. Oh boy. All right. Here.

Have some of my hair. That's change. There you go. 15, 16, 20. There you are, my friend. Here's your change. It's a, a toenail clipper, some porcupine quills, and this bottle cap. Did you say porcupine or hedgehog?

Porcupine. My enemies in the city. Oh, shit. There can only be one. Well, thank God. I hope there's none. I got to be honest. Good news.

We teamed up. Porcupine and hedgehog have a united front. Fuck. That's right. We're together. Finally. The quill team. Oh Christ.

This is the worst superhero team. There's a quill. There's a way. Oh, fuck off. Trying to get us out of our fetal position. No. I don't. I want you in that.

I want you. God damn it. We're like seeded enemies. No, you're not. Seen enemies. We're enemies of the sea. No, that is not the, see an enemy. See an enemy.

No, not see an enemy. We're enemies of the sea and enemy with what we'd call see an enemy enemies. Absolutely not. It's rare. So, um, so Benjamin tells banks that only federal dollars, banknotes, and gold and silver can be used. He's like, that's it. Nothing else.

And they're like, we just took a bunch of saloon bucks. Thanks for telling us. And he said, if the banks keep hiding their money, he's going to find it and he's going to seize it. Now this guy does not take shit. He takes no shit whatsoever. It's quite a start. I mean, he went from being like a total lunatic who didn't do anything right to now he's

just had pure instinct and he really is like, I mean, it's like an HGTV show, like flip your Confederacy. So, um, he says, he tells everybody in a letter, he announces the union is captured, captured a bunch of Confederate beef as, as happens and I just want a picture. Okay. And it's going to go to the quote deserving poor of the city from whom the rebels had plundered it. I mean, only this country in this time had racist meat.

Only us could have don't eat that. That's for racists. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This does not taste. And this comes from racist cattle. This doesn't taste like freedom meat.

Yeah. Unfortunately, that's Confederate beef. Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's how we had. So that there'll be five pubes. The governor Louisiana, he's in Confederate territory in the north of state. So he writes to the people of New Orleans saying Benjamin was trying to start a war

between the rich and the poor and they should resist by not taking the beef. A lot of them are just starving. Take the beef. Okay. Just take the goddamn beef. Take the fuck. Just eat the beef. So he's basically calling for a hunger death strike.

That's right. Because and he's making up this is not a class war. This is simply a. Yeah. It's not a class war. Confederate's shut the fuck up. As a matter of fact, he's trying to take care of the poor and he is pointing out that the rich are fine.

So they should, you know, do something about it. As always, as a great, a great message in the history, the rich are always fine. Yeah. Always. So that message from the governor is printed in papers all over New Orleans. So Benjamin then shut those papers down and I was going to say, you know what he's going to do? Yeah.

The beast. Yeah. He's the beast. So he let to keep printing after they took an oath of allegiance to the United States. Okay. So in June, Benjamin hired 2000. I mean, is Lincoln, is Lincoln like Jesus Christ? Well, we'll get there.

Okay. In June, Benjamin hires 2000 people for 30 days to clean up the city. The city is just fucking filthy. It's just disgusting. It still is. Yeah. That's never changed. And so, but to take the work, they have to declare their allegiance to the United States

first. I should say the French Quarter, not New Orleans. Yeah. The Barf Quarter. He also said anyone throwing anything in the streets would be imprisoned. So some guys up in the middle, okay. Some guys up in a window. Except for beads.

Okay. He sees a cop. He takes out a piece of paper and he doesn't crumple it up or anything. He just tosses it out and does the swooshy. Yeah. He does the swooshy and it wafts, wafts down and he yells out to the cop, you see me do this. So Benjamin, the cop arrest him.

Benjamin hasn't thrown in jail for three months. Oh my God. So I mean, really delivering messages. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that slow paper fall of that guy, like his fate, like maybe I shouldn't have. It's a long time to reconsider. It's not a rock.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it. But look, the city is clean basically for the first time ever. It's clean. Now that guy, William Mumford, who had taken down the flag and ripped it up, they finally found him and when they found him, he had a piece of the flag hanging out of a buttonhole on his shirt. So the commission condemns him to death and Butler's like, exactly. That's what should happen.

Wow. And they build a scaffold in front of the US Mint and he goes up and there's a big crowd and he tells him to treat all men justly and raise your kids properly. And then he was hung. Those are his last words? Yeah. Those are very, like I would imagine he would go down with like a Confederate message or something instead.

He's just kind of like a fortune cookie. That's right. And your lucky numbers are 7, 12, 34. Hang him. No, we only did three numbers. No. Oh, sorry. Well, it's too late.

I don't know what he was going to say. He's pissing his pants. Oh, God. So his death, the South is fucking a livid. It does seem, I mean, again, like obviously terrible politics, terrible philosophy, all that, but it's like, I mean, he's the beast, I guess. He's the beast. He's the fucking beast.

He's the beast. You know what happened? He's the beast. Yeah. He's sending messages. So the, the, the, the Charleston Corrier newspaper offers 10,000 for capture of Benjamin dead or alive. The mercury paper just said he should be killed by poison or be stabbed.

Well, they're mercury. They're like, maybe with mercury, but these are papers that he has not okayed. These are, these are not, um, these are like outside of the city. So the, the Confederate president, well, Robert E. Lee says, we vow revenge, right? He's the general in charge of the South Confederate president, Bobby Lee. That's right. Confederate president. I never thought of that.

Oh God. I didn't even crazy. It's not. That is crazy. Crazy. It's deeply creepy. It's horrible. So, um, so the Confederate president, Jefferson Davis said Benjamin was a felon and should

be hung. Quote, I do order that he no longer be considered or treated simply as an enemy of the Confederate States of America, but as an outlaw and a common enemy of mankind. Okay. So they're taking it well. I mean, this is like, they literally have lost their shit. They're, they're just like, this guy was executed. I'm not, I'm not, it's not fair to say that side is quick to anchor Dave.

I'm not going to sit here and let you say that they have a short fuse. How dare you. So like I said, he's also taken care of the poor, right? So he, he institutes attacks on the wealthy to raise money for the hospital. He raised like $300,000, which not just, not just the people needed it, but his soldiers needed it because chronic diarrhea was a huge problem. Oh my God. What, the town had IBS?

Well, just his own man of just his own man, a thousand each month had diarrhea. I mean, what they need to fight the battle of a modium. What, what, what, I mean, I just abysmal food and conditions or what, why, I mean, what are the fever? What it's got? I mean. Yeah. I mean, I assume it was, you know, they're not nightmare.

I mean, is there a worse era to have diarrhea? I'm sure there is, but this is really like, I can't think, I mean, really just the worst. Just yeah. I mean, you know, there's no, they have toilet paper. I think toilet paper. Yeah. But it's like, it's like, it's like the page of a, it's like the page of a book. Don't ever fucking say poop spoon again ever.

Okay. I'll stop the podcast. I'm a man asking. I'm a man asking. No, you're not. That's not an ass. They just had, they just had, they just had like the paper that you get at like the airport essentially.

Yeah. I don't think it's probably worse. It's, it gets worse than that. It's like, it's like probably like page of a book. Like paper. Yeah. They're probably just getting any, or they might have bidets. I don't know.

Maybe there's a guy washing his ass with a bottle. Like who knows. Only the fancies. No. No. What you needed, you needed what they, I believe, actually I'm Googling it right now. They had what's called poop pals and it was just the guy who spit your butt and then dragged you across the dirt.

Stop talking. Stop talking. Okay. I'm done. Okay. So in May and June, there were over 2000 cases amongst his men each month. The hospitals are packed. That's right.

The hospitals are packed. Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea. On top of diarrhea, there's also acute and chronic dysentery, hemorrhage of the bowel, inflammation of the bowel. So it's, it's fucking shit city. It's just shit fest. It's shit fest. Yeah.

Like if you were a soldier in the infirmary at that point, you'd be writing in your journal and be like, dear diarrhea, I mean, people, people are throwing beads and then guys just shitting themselves. Let's just catch the beads. Then you'd, I mean, 2000, I mean, imagine walking into a hospital where everyone just had diarrhea. Oh my God. There's not 2000.

I just make this point. There are not 2000 toilets in a hospital at this time. It was like 10. Come on, if I sit on your lap, Jenkins, no, go ahead, I needed a poop pal. All right. So now that we lost all of our listeners, yeah, now there were 50 Englishmen who, by the way, I want to say sorry to the dollop chili fan club. What a run you had.

Oh, run. There's 50 Englishmen who had come to fight with the Confederates and they were in New Orleans. We're willing to put up some numbers as well. But I love slavery, don't I? It's all right. Grumble, grumble. So many had fled the city when Benjamin came and he told them to turn over their weapons.

So out of the out of like 50, two were arrested and the British aren't happy about that. And the Secretary of the US doesn't want to piss off foreign countries because then they might back the South. Right. So the French had also sold uniforms to the Confederacy in July of 61, but they hadn't been paid yet and the money was tied up in New Orleans and everyone's worried that Benjamin is going to confiscate it. So the French aren't being paid because of Benjamin.

A guy is suspected of hiding cash and Benjamin says his soldiers to search his business, which is like a liquor business. He like sells booze. But they get there and he claims that he is a consul of the Netherlands and that the building is a consulate. Is this I mean, that is that's on the fly lying, right? I mean, he's just like, I mean, it's it's pretty weird. I'm I'm Holland.

Can I? Yeah. Or no. I'm Holland. What? Is it you're saying I'm here and you walk to Holland. What the hell are you talking about? This liquor stores Dutch and I'm I'm I'm basically the Netherlands.

What does that even mean? There you're going to find money. But it's what I'm I'm the Netherlands. You invaded a country. Can I see your passports when you're talking about we're in charge, we're the occupying army. We've come here. Vating.

You came to the no, you're a liquor store. You're a liquor store. No, I sell liquor, but as a Dutchman. Because there's a there's a way you're speaking that it doesn't it doesn't seem like you're telling the truth. It's what we do. We're it's what we do in Holland. No, I don't think no, it's a it's a it's a it's a quirk of the Dutch.

I've met the Dutch. I've never ever met one that talks like this ever. Maybe they live here too. No, they don't. This is France now. It's not France. It's a fucking liquor. It's a fucking it's a great.

So we agree it's Holland. It's a liquor store. Do you want some absent? No, I want the money. We use gilders. Huh? Hmm. Huh?

What is it? Maybe. No. Huh. You owe me money. No, I think so. He refused to turn over the fall key because he's a console. What a liquor store.

I know it's so great. So Benjamin, I know it's just like it's like you go into a liquor store and so it's not fake booze and they're like, I'm sorry, I'm a diplomat. You've walked into the UN, my friend. I'm diplomatic immunity. So Benjamin goes and gets a lieutenant who was, quote, peculiarly, peculiarly well fitted for extracting a key from a con to misuse console, which is like a, I guess, like a greedy stubborn type dude.

Okay. So he hired some muscle. Yeah. He brought in some muscle and the muscle gets there and and has the console strip searched. Wow. Um, the key is found in his pantaloons as we expected. Okay. I mean, you could have just searched him.

Yeah. Searched him first. Um, get him naked. They open the vault. Now check his pants. They open the vault and they find 160 kegs full of $800,000 worth of coin. They find bonds, bank plates, plates for printing Confederate money. So they just find all this shit.

So they found the Confederate bank, basically. Well, the guy is a middleman funneling money to the Confederacy from banks and other companies. Right. Um, and they confiscate all of it. And the guy's like, you can't confiscate it. It's the consulate's property. It's the Dutch consulate's property. Is that true?

Well, yeah. So now, yeah, so now all the foreign consulates bank of Holland, okay, so now all the foreign consulates are pissed off 18. Now lodge a protest against quote the indignity of what they've done. Now a British ship docks at the port and a crowd gathers and starts chanting down with the stars and stripes. And and Butler hears the ship plans to raise the Confederate flag on the 4th of July. So he tells the captain, if you do that, I'm going to open fire on you because that means

you're an enemy ship. By the way, this dude does what he says. Find out about the track. He ain't fucking around. He's not fucking around after he makes that thread. He finds out the report was not true at all. They didn't plan on raising the Confederate flag. So he's causing a lot of shit with foreign peoples is going for it.

I mean, a rumor is a fact. So the secretary of state apologizes on behalf of the U.S. to all these different countries. And then they then may appoint Colonel Shepley to be the military governor of Louisiana. So that's a new position. And it's basically they're putting a guy above Ben. They're making a boss for him for the beast. Yeah. Now, Benjamin is still doing his shit.

He issues more general orders. He's just a bunch of general. So it's like if you're the CEO of a company and they're like, this is the CEO. Have you heard of? Oh, you didn't know about that? CEO2. Yeah. That's your carbon dioxide.

Yes. So better than you. Oh. Okay. Right. So you're not fired, you're not fired, but there's just a guy who has your job. Okay. Okay.

Interesting. Didn't know that. Yeah. Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. It'll be a pleasure to work with this man you've invented. Well, you'll be working with him.

We'll be working for him. So. Right. Under. It's interesting. It feels right. Okay. Way under.

You don't have any power like you can't do. And this happened. This has been decided a while ago. Is this a thing that exists for sure? Yeah. No one else has done it, but we're breaking new ground. Okay. So congratulations.

I mean, you're the first guy to not have that job. Okay. Well, if he works, I'm going to shoot a cannon into him. Thank you. Yeah. That's what we expected. Thank you. So he starts issuing general orders.

Anyone with Confederate goods would be imprisoned if anyone took a favor, protection, passport money or property or other valuables. You had to take an oath to the U.S. Any foreigner living in the U.S. for over five years was now declared a U.S. citizen and had to take an oath. So foreign consuls lose it over that one. Lincoln. Sure. Yeah.

Lincoln orders at this point, Lincoln orders Benjamin to not make any more declarations without approval from the war and state departments. He's like enough with that fucking. That seems fine. Yeah. No more jazz. On July 17th, Congress passes an act allowing the seizure of property of rebellious citizens. So if you're like an officer in the Confederate army, your shit was just taken.

If you were like a private or lower down, you had like some days to declare your oath to the U.S. You were no longer a Confederate. Yeah. I did. You know. So a lot of hardcore. It's very effective, very effective.

Yeah. A lot of hardcore Confederates now have to swear an oath to keep their property and any ex U.S. citizen who refused to take the oath had to report to the Marshall's office. If you didn't, you could be imprisoned or have your property seized or both. Very quickly, 69,000 people in Louisiana took the oath. Interesting. Well, shocking. Yeah.

People want to lose the shit. Yeah. I mean like, yeah, of course. Yeah. That's why I would imagine it's effective. Yeah. Um, so 4,000 did not in the force parish over 1 million in property was confiscated and auctioned off.

Wow. Um, Benjamin took the mansion of a Confederate general and used it as his home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Yeah.

A woman named Rowena Florence. I'll tell you, I'm very happy that you didn't do that. Um, I've always had my eye on this place. Love it. Great. Yeah. But I took the oath. That doesn't matter.

And, uh, I like it. Mine. Nice chandeliers. Yeah. A woman named Rowena Florence said the general gave her a box of family silver, but Benjamin did not buy it. And he took the silver for his own use. Okay.

So it's sort of like when, like, uh, a couple like what, like the husband's going to jail and he's like, I'm divorced and the wife. She had everything. It's like, no, no, no. Yeah. Give me, give me, give me. Yeah. Basically.

Yeah. Right. Um, that seizure earned Benjamin the nickname Spoons Butler. What is happening? Let's stick with the beast. You have the nickname Spoons Butler. I mean, that sounds like who brings you like your dessert spoon at a dinner Spoons Butler. Stop calling me that.

I'd like something for my pudding, please Spoons Butler. Hey, by the way, get the fork made when you have a second fork, Mike made, oh, I think it's a fork. Mike is fork. Mike is outside. He's still waiting. Are you doing? I got some forks, shrimp, salad, dinner, whatever you need.

I'm looking for an oyster fork. Uh, you got to give me a couple of days. I got a guy, but I got to get it to Mexico. Why need it now? Cause I have 84 oysters to tell you what I can do. I can take a salad fork and a dinner fork and merge them into an oyster fork. It's not going to look pretty, but it's going to get you through. So do you know what my nickname is?

Better not be fork, Mike. We're going to have a fight. Wait a minute. Are you knife Pat? I'm oyster. Oh, wait, you're Roy the oyster, aka Royster. That's right. Wow.

Yeah. It's an honor. Yeah. Let me take my hat off. I heard a lot about you. Your style Royster. Can you put your hat back on? Oh, sure.

Yeah. I'm going to introduce you to a couple of friends of mine I always travel with. This is hedgehog and porcupine. Oh, yes. Ready in our positions quills out men. What are you doing? We're laying down in the fetal position and you can't get us because of our quilled backs. All you can see are our little pink feet.

Hello. Someone has watched. Pretty much our attack someone a certain improviser has watched way too many animal documentaries. Who do you think it is? We like our bellies rubbed in warm water too and we'll eat lettuce. So the confiscation act that had been passed by Congress, it's a gold mine for a guy named Benjamin sees property is auctioned at way below value and often a guy buying it is named Benjamin Butler.

He he was like, he's like, he's yeah, okay, he's buying stuff like cotton and sugar cheap and then sending it north and selling it for a huge profit. So are we crossing now to the point where he's got like the the mission is maybe a little self serving at the longer for the greater good. Oh, yeah. Right. So we've crossed. So now we're in the 2008 housing crisis.

That's right. Also a lot of people are being imprisoned for treason at Fort Jackson with no charges, no trial date. So he got too powerful. Well, yeah, but he also wants to punish these people because they're the sell right. So sure, there is a way out of there's a way out of the prison. The wife of an imprisoned merchant was told if she paid $7,000 to one of Benjamin's judges, her husband be would be freed.

Now okay, that's that there's bail without trial. Yeah, bail without trial. So that turns out that's a very common situation. And also you can't travel in and out of the city without a pass so ships would be stopped coming in and the passengers forced to pay huge amounts to be let through. So there's a racket going on. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the White House learns about Benjamin's profiteering and they say fucking stop it.

So what an era he has his brother Andrew handle all the transactions. So that'll fix it. Andrew takes control of confiscated plantations. He uses freed slaves as workers because he could pay them way less than white workers. Sugar plantation owners were forced to get permission from Andrew to transport because his brother controlled all the military chips. I was starting to really like this guy for a while. And then he became like the capitalist beast.

If if the sugar plantation owners didn't get permission, they would just seize their sugar. He brought flour and he would bring flour from New York for six dollars a barrel and then like the cake ward. And then he'd sell it in New Orleans for a guy. We need an egg guy and we need the milk people. So basically so it's just a racket major racket the profit all all and it's all going to him. The two brothers are all going to Andrew.

The two of them. They're making a fucking fortune. Andrew has a monopoly now on stuff like groceries and medicine. He's illegally illegally selling medicine to took a turn. The Confederates. Well, the good news is it's not even medicine at this point. Okay. Butler let Andrew use nine military steamers that were supposed to be used for military

use to smuggle stuff. Jesus Christ. So full on now. Now they're the mafia. Yeah. And this has been slowly ramping up the whole time. Right. And so the secretary treasury sends down two special agents to investigate and they really

quickly realized that Andrew is just up to his fucking eyeballs and crying. They're like, this is crazy. He had made he had made two million dollars in 10 weeks. Oh my God. In that time. Yeah. Actual two million. Yeah.

Well, I mean, so just I mean, if you made two million dollars today, that would be crazy. I mean, just think about it's like it's like it's a fire sale, right? You're you're just buying ship for cheap and selling it for regular price. I mean, it's also if you're like if you are the stopgap at some point, you realize you have unchecked power. Yeah. Now what year is this? This is eight like probably 1818 62.

Okay. Oh, let's see what that would be now. It's $55 million. He made $55 million in two months and two weeks. Well, it was 10 weeks, 10 weeks is not in 10 weeks. Okay. It's 55. Like they literally I just control of every single goddamn thing and we're just sugar

box. Right. It's so crazy. So these agents that come put all the corruption on Andrew because that's how it looks, right? That's how he's designed it. He's Benjamin stepped out of it and Andrew's making all the all the deals and stuff. Yeah. Right.

And also his troops are doing the same thing because he's leading and the troops are seeing the shit that he's doing. So they are pillaging and this is right destroying property part of the there was the whole idea was no plundering. Yeah. Right. That was the first rule he put in place. Yeah.

But like they would get sent out to do stuff like go whatever, go do a thing outside of New Orleans and they would just trash plantations and take everything and take right burn it down. Like it was. Yeah. I'm also not against it because of what the. It's a tough. It's tough.

I'm just not. But you would think, well, no, but what you could do is you could take the valuables and like he did with the hospital, like you could put it back into the city and infrastructure or something like that. Well, it's like you want to see the plantation get burned, but you could also, the guys could take the items and use them for the greater good instead of personally. Well, what really should be done is it should all be taken and given to the slaves. Yes.

All right. Dave, you're playing asshole. What do you want? Because it was all built upon their labor. Like I'll do you one better and they get to own the plantation owner. Yeah. But that. Yeah.

Well, no, I actually, if I was to go back in time, I would be suggesting that they flip they flip the switch and make the whites in the South slaves and just go tell you die. That's your punishment. I'll Dave, I'll bet that would change how we reconcile our history in some way. I really do. I have a feeling that we would hear about reparations a little more. So anything sees Benjamin would say it was taken by the government. So whatever's happening, the soldiers are taken and he's taken it.

He would just say, well, the government took it all. Now Benjamin also created the first Louisiana native guards who were black soldiers who were escape slaves. This is the first time this had been done that he did not get permission from the federal government and they're armed. So whites in New Orleans are like, what the fuck? As these black dudes are like Confederate and they'd be like, well, I'm sorry. Wait a second.

Hold the phone. Now, look, there's also still a war on and Benjamin is still in command of troops and he made disastrous decisions. They tried to take Baton Rouge and he completely fucked it up. It cost the union taking control of Baton Rouge. So rumors start that he's going to be removed and he here he, I guess he's in a bar or something is in a place and he hears his session is talking about how there are 10 to one odds of a new general taking over.

So they're betting on him. Wow. Losing his job. And on November 9th, he gets notice from the government that he's going to be relieved of duty. So he leaves the city on December 24th and he wrote a farewell address to explain to the people why he had done what he'd done, including the women's order. And he told them things could have been a lot worse and they should be thankful for

the treatment they received. Always. Yeah. You got to. Yeah. I mean, oh, I mean, oh, yeah. Great. Always great.

Yeah. It could have been way shittier vote for me. The people weren't impressed. Palms were printed about him, calling him, quote, brutal and vulgar, a coward and slave, beastly by instinct, a drunkard and sought thief liar scoundrel in the highest degree. Monster thou vilest of scum. Wow. So, yeah, I mean, but, but that's so earned.

I mean, right? It's like, you know, I mean, you, when you don't have the greater good in mind, it's transparent. But again, our words and criticism is like, yeah, whatever, I live in a gated mansion. Yeah. So, yeah. Fuck you. Yeah.

Um, the Richmond examiner wrote, quote, cowards by nature, thieves upon principal and assassins at heart, it will be marvelous indeed if the people of the North refuse to render homage to Benjamin Butler, the beastliest, bloodiest, paltrune and pickpocket the world ever saw. So he's like villain number one for the South. He goes back to New England and he's still super popular up there. Um, Pete, they would love it. I mean, all the shit that he did, they would be like, yeah, that's fucking great. He goes and meets with Lincoln, but he's pissed because he'd still not been given a

reason for being fired. Oh, I got one. I mean, there's a million. He's a shitty general. He's like, yeah. So Lincoln says, Lincoln wouldn't say they have a meeting and Lincoln won't tell him why he fired him. And he says, well, go talk to Secretary Stanton and he does and Secretary Stanton also won't

tell him and he goes to talk to the general in chief and he also won't say why he was fired. He goes, oh, that was Stanton's call. Like they're just, no one will give him a straight answer. Right. Right. Uh, so it's obvious he's never going to know and he's just furious about it. Now Lincoln starts thinking he'd acted too fast and considers reinstating Benjamin and

putting him back in command in New Orleans. What? What? Why? Why? I mean, he should feel very, that feels like the right call. It does feel like the right call. And he's just put a new guy in charge.

So he's like, ah, it's so awkward. I think I got to fire the new guy and like he's having, you know, that's like when you're in a bad relationship and you get out of it and you go on one date and you're like, maybe it was perfect. No, neither are right. Yeah. So he, Lincoln actually writes a letter to Secretary Stanton to make it happen, to, to put Benjamin back.

He's like, you hire Benjamin back and he ends up not sending it, but he wrote it out. Right. Lincoln offered Benjamin a bunch of different positions over six months. He just kept offering him different jobs. He, Benjamin turned them all down, turned them all down and cause Benjamin wanted his old job back. He's like, I don't want those fucking jobs. Give me my sweet, sweet gig.

I want the one where I get to make sugar money. Flower bucks. Yeah. Give me the money one. Yeah. But also they wouldn't tell him why he was fired. So, so it becomes clear the union, the union is going to win the war. So Benjamin finally takes a job that he's offered a command position in Virginia.

Now Benjamin, like I said, is very fucking popular. Lincoln is now thinking of making him his VP in the next election. Oh my God. Oh my God. Lincoln spokesman goes to meet with, I mean, this guy would have been president. Lincoln spokesman goes to meet with Benjamin and asks him if he's interested in the vice presidency. Butler says no, because he's mad about not being told why he was fired.

He says no. Had he said yes, Benjamin Butler would have been president. The president, president beast, holy shit. So Benjamin was ordered to attack Richmond, but he delays the attack three days because he's arguing with his commanders about how to proceed. Those three days fucked up the attack. One of the commanders said, quote, he was as helpless as a child on the field of battle and as visionary as an opium eater.

Oh my God. It's great that those words still have total resonance in this country. He essentially snatches defeat from a sure victory in Richmond and afterwards, once again, most of his troops are transferred to the control of another general. He would have been completely discharged, but Lincoln needed political allies. So Jesus Christ, he's still in charge of some man. I can't quit you. He's still in charge of some men and once again is told to go attack a fort at Wilmington.

He completely botches it and ends up leaving a thousand men stranded on a beach and they had to be rescued by another general. But that battle was successful and he takes credit as he does when a battle is successful that he had nothing to do with. There you are. We did it, boys. All right. Did I tell you to have faith in a fellow's plan or did I tell you to have faith in a fellow's

plan? All right. The beast is here. Hey, beast is back. Beast is back. I call the moonwalk. So after that, he is removed from command on January 7th, 1865. He goes back to Massachusetts, back into politics.

He joins a group called the Radical Republicans. They wanted to severely punish the South. What a time. So Andrew Johnson becomes president, right? He would have been president. He would have been brutal to the South. He goes after Johnson for being too lenient on the South. So he's running for office on impeaching Andrew Johnson for being too fucking weak.

And he wins. And two years later, the House votes to impeach Johnson for high crimes and treason. And Benjamin is one of the House members who presents the case to the Senate. He's actually the first. He does the opening argument. So that's also the first impeachment, right? Yeah. Well, he didn't get convicted, but he was impeached.

Right. But he was impeached. Yeah, he was the first one. He wasn't convicted by one vote, so they almost got rid of him. Wow. Now, people filed lawsuits against Butler for what he had done during the war, but he didn't settle any of them. He fought every single one, and he won every single one.

He becomes Massachusetts governor in 1882. He runs for president, but loses. After the war, Mumford's wife moves her family to Virginia and a con man steals all of her money and she loses her home. So Benjamin buys her house and gives it back to her. And then he gets her a job at the Department of Eternal Revenue in D.C. And when a new president rolls in, they fire everybody. So she gets fired when Hayes becomes president.

And then Benjamin once again gets her a job as a clerk at the postmaster's office. So he takes care of Mumford's wife and kids by helping her out, even though, right, he's a traitor. He killed. Yeah. Yeah. Benjamin died on... I mean, he must feel...

Yeah, he's like guilty, maybe. I guess, yeah. Benjamin died on January 11th, 1893, 74 years old. He was worth $7 million when he died. When he got to New Orleans, he was worth $150,000. And when he... At his peak, it was around... It must have been like, yeah, I mean, over $55 million.

I mean, it's crazy how much money, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, what? If $2 million is $55 million then, then $7 million is, you know, through the math, it's... Oh, right. I'm an idiot. Yeah.

So he... Yeah. Yeah. Fucking A. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Now I was right. Hundreds of millions. Yeah.

He's got, what, $175 million or something? But, yeah. True. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. What a guy.

What a life. Jesus Christ. I am. I am. He looked like... We were too... We were, you know, as we can see now, we were too lenient on the South. And obviously, there was the election.

We talked about the election where we fucked over all the black people for the South's support in an election. Yeah. So, you know, there were things we could have been different. And I think a son of a bitch would have been a lot better. Like this? Yeah. I think that, you know, I think you take all their fucking...

Anybody who owned a slave, I think you take their property. Yeah. Take... Yeah. Just fucking take... Like, who gives a shit? Like, you won the fucking war. Yeah.

Now, undo the thing. And the only way to undo it is to take away all their money, because they made all their fucking money off of free fucking labor. Like, all that money should have gone to the people who built the shit. You give all that fucking money to them, and that's it. And that's why reparations are a thing. Like, those families still are existing in difficult situations, and the fucking rich people who's got to keep their goddamn money that they made off of slavery, they're still

right and high. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking problem. And I'm sorry. And it's also why, it's also why when people find, like, I mean, like, you know, they've framed reparations as an absurd conversation, you know, and they're just like, why would I have to pay for something that I had nothing to do with?

And it's like, yeah, there are people still paying for the thing they had nothing to fucking do with. Well, also, why do you have to pay for it? Why do you get the rewards? That's what they never bring up. Yeah. And that's why, and that's why they would never want it. Because if you live a prosperous life that's based on, I mean, it's essentially like what

government is. It's why you have no faith in government ever prosecuting government. Why the fuck would you pull the emergency brake on the gravy train that you're running? Yeah. You know? Like, you never will. I mean, you never would. Right.

I mean, they will not morally choose the right direction. Right. Well, it all ended well, though. Now it's fine. Yeah, no, for sure. It's always good to remember how great the country is. We handle it all. Yeah.

We dealt with it right. Yeah. Perfect. Yep. Yep. No notes. Not a note. Nope.

All good. Thanks, huh? Hmm. All right. Well, shit. We did it. My favorite part is still the guys who have diarrhea. I mean, I didn't have to put that in there, but I read it and I was just like, just, I

was just imagining. You had to put that in there. The fucking nightmare, the logistical nightmare. It's just, yeah. You make a show on NBC called Diarrhea ER. I'm back. I'm watching. Let's do it.

Yeah. Diarrhea ER. Yeah. Diarrhea. New Orleans. All right. All right. We signed.

We signed Diarrhea. Yeah. No. What a horrible ending. Sources for this episode, the book, General Butler, Beast or Patriot, New Orleans Occupation by author Christopher G. Pinia. The Winchester Daily Bulletin from Winchester, Tennessee.