The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 522 - Duke Cunningham - Live

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

Comedians Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds examine Randall Duke Cunningham. Recorded live in San Diego.  Sources Tour Dates Redbubble Merch

Well, what's up, San Diego? Hello! It is an honor. It's an honor. We salute you! Where we go? Yes, yes. You guys gonna be really happy tonight? It feels like a trap. This is your last show before the new variant hits. So enjoy yourselves because it's over. Yep, have a good time. You're all not going anywhere anymore. What about this? What about we still do the shows and we get you in like a popemobile situation? And I'll just, I'll be on stage, I'll play it regular, but you'll just be in your little popemobile. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's good. I have absolutely no issues. Am I driving around on the stage? No, I think we would, I mean, I think what would be cheaper, oh, are you? Yeah, yeah, now that I think about it, you are.

I would like you room bugging across the stage. So now I'm going, wait, wait, that's the same guy from before. Hey, get back here, Popey. And do I have a horn? I don't think you do. No, because I could see you just abusing that a ton and like using it for weird effect and affectation. I have a horn for sure. And I would not abuse that at all. I would use it at the appropriate time. No, we can trust people in the popemobile for sure. Absolutely. Oh, one more thing? Sure. You're listening to the dollop! This is an American History podcast, or each week I, Dave Anthony, read a story from American History to your best friend, Garrett Reynolds, who has no idea what the topic is going to be about. I took power. My best friend is Jose. Who's still with us. I visit him. You do not visit him.

How would you know? I crawl in the window at night and we cuddle. Because you'd be cuddling with me because Jose and I cuddle at night. Oh, good. It's not coming up. You really abandon the sweetness of Jose and I cuddle. Jose sleeps on a pillow like a human. He does. He puts his head on a pillow. Yeah, that's right. Just total nonsense. Yeah, take that, Popey. December 8th, 1941. You're of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hell of a guy. You're of our Spanish-speaking friends. That's correct. Yeah, I appreciate that. Randall Harold Cunningham was born in Los Angeles, California. Randall Cunningham? Oh, it's not that Randall Cunningham.

His dad drove a truck for Union Oil. They moved to a small town, Shelbena, Missouri, in 1955. Sure, Shelbena. He was athletic, so it helped him fit in. This is the guy. He played football and basketball. Dave. Not much of a rule follower. Okay. He went on to Northeast Missouri State Teachers College for a year. Very specific teachers. Yep, specific. We teach each other. Everybody's teaching here. Always teaching.

And then he went to the University of Missouri. He's a Democrat, big JFK guy. Big JFK guy. Love JFK. Sure. That doesn't seem crazy. Big fan. Sure. He wanted to become a high school coach. He should have gone to the coach college. That was dumb. The Southwestern Missouri Coach College. Yeah. Welcome to whistles. I know you heard I'm the teacher that lets you give your own grade, but you're going to have to earn it. No, you're going to have to earn it. Oh, fuck. This is a weird college. You're a weird college. Give me five. You're all going to give me five.

You give me five. That's it. We're all staying after. Laps, gentlemen. Oh, you think I'd like to take five more? All of us. So he majors in physical education and sophomore year. He's a really good coach. Yeah. I would like to major in PE. He's just a great major. So this spring, I'm taking dodgeball. Who do you have for dodgeball? Oh, Jenkins. Oh, he's supposed to be great. Oh, dude, he throws.

He does a whole thing about the catch. He says he's good because then they're out. Yeah, they're out. They're out if you catch it. He's so good. When he yells they're out, you're like, that guy's out. He knows all three rules to dodgeball. All three of them he knows. Backwards, forwards. He can't poke a hole in those three for them. Catch it. Larry comes back in. Catch it. Throw it. Yeah. You're out if you get hit. It's very one of the better sports. Anyway, I got to get to tetherball. All right.

So sophomore year, he met Sue Albrecht. They got engaged. Sure. She wanted a very simple wedding band, but he went into a lot of debt to buy a marquee diamond. Okay. I thought you meant wedding band like the people who play at their ceremony. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. We are manhailing. So after graduating, he gets an assistant coach job for Don Watson at Chicago's Hinsdale Central, which is a big swim school.

Yeah, testing off the charts in this room. Look at that. Where my Hinsdale wet boys at? We are the wet boys. All right, wet boys. Gather round. We're going to get silken today. The first year Rando was there, they won, it was the first of 12 straight state titles they would win. Okay. So that's good. So Rando would later say, quote,

I produced 36 high school All-Americans in 1965 to 1967, three of whom went on to win gold or silver medals. Okay. One swimmer on the team said, quote, Randy was basically a gopher for Don. He had about as much right to claim responsibility for our success as Clarence did, the guy who maintained the pool. Without Clarence, you couldn't even have the competition. No, it's just fucking filthy.

So he's the assistant coach, he's like, yeah, I'm the spine of the actual organization. I'm producing these Olympians. So Rando bought and drove a Chevy Impala and then he bought a Corvette, which... On this assistant coach swim money? Yeah, that's right. He's living like one of the good fellas? Oh, okay. Really kind of couldn't afford it, basically.

His best friend from high school was killed in Vietnam. There was a war on. He wasn't just on the streets visiting. Oh, okay. There was an actual... I mean, it's still a shame. Yeah, I should have spelled it. I should have said he was killed in the Vietnam war instead of like just cruising around Vietnam.

Like in the airport, he was trying to buy a hot dog. I'd keep going with the... Vietnamese hot dog. Look, I know their culture. I know their food. Clearly, yes. You're one of those red Americans who understands the cuisine of other nations. They're a huge hot dog culture.

What kind of hot dog you have here? Well, I don't know why you're looking at me crazy. Hot dogs are the best! He did support the war and so after his friend got killed, he felt like he should do something. So he enlisted in the Navy. Boy, that is just like... That is not the message that I would get from that. No!

Well, I got to sign up too. I'd be like, fuck! That's why you got to stop this. How do I get to Canada? The only thing to do is to join up. Oh no, if you died in the war, I'd be like, how do I get to Canada? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd be like, does he have any stories that other people could read to me for like ten more or something?

What's his laptop password? I feel like we got to finish some of these out. We got a few more shows to bang out. We have ad copy to read. Or then the podcast would end how it started just with one of us shouting alone. It's just me like, the last episode's Mike Tyson. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. Anyway, here we go.

So he enlisted in the Navy and went to flight training school in San Diego. And then he was off to Vietnam. Jesus Christ. Not cheering anymore. Sue and Randall, they had two kids when he left. This is Todd. Todd was two and a half and then they had a baby girl that they adopted right before he went to Vietnam. No pictures of her available.

No, because he hadn't signed the adoption papers yet when they left. Don't take a picture with her until it's legal. You'll jinx it. So he bothered the other pilots, Randall. He wore an all black flight suit that he had specially made in Hong Kong. So is that how it works? It's bring you on whatever you want to wear. Can I wear this Ghostbuster outfit?

For sure. Egon. Is that your real? Private Egon. So this is my Moo Moo? Perfect. That's great. And I wear that when I'm shooting booms out of my plane. Okay. Not loving this guy. I'm not going to lie to you.

I will be the Red Power Ranger, sir. Awesome. Welcome aboard, Red Ranger. It's a pleasure to have you. You too, Zorro. Let's have a meeting inside. Get over here, Spider-Man. All you Ninja Turtles, I'm looking in your direction.

He was talking about fucking pizza. Get over it. I would totally be pro-military if everybody dressed up like that. We lost a lot of Ninja Turtles today. One of our more violent battles on the beach. Just imagine going to a battlefield. You'd be confused the enemy on that level. How are they looking, sir?

Well, one of... I think two of them are Iron Man, sir. Whatever I am. What the fuck? They're Iron Man? I don't... I think so. Shit.

We better hope those Power Rangers don't morph into one big robot. Shoot at wheelbars. Here comes Scrappy-Doo. What the... I didn't know it was a war. He would also strap on just a ton of weapons when he was flying his plane. And that's abnormal, right? You're not going to throw Ninja Stars up there.

Shit, they're bouncing off our glass. That's not good, actually. That's punctured. He got the call sign yank. Sure. But he didn't like it, so he kept calling himself Duke. Even though you couldn't give yourself your own call sign, it was a sign to you. But if you're dressed like John Wayne, I think you're allowed to...

That's why he did it. It's hard to get this helmet over my cowboy hat. You're going to have to get it off, Private Wayne. Duke. So he's a good pilot. Sure. He shot down two Migs, and he was really wanting to shoot down a third. Now, if you shoot down five in a war...

And you have six ones on them. Six ones free. You get a free weekend at the Marriott. If you shoot down five in any war, you're considered an ace. Okay. So he... On May 10th, 1972, he was part of a mission to protect bombers on an attack. And the fight that followed is one of the most famous in military history.

It's the only time when a pilot pulled a switchblade on another plane. Give me all your gas. Can he hear me? Took down two planes with num trucks. Crazy. Just like the Ninja Turtle. So basically, documentaries have been made about this. Books, just tons of shit.

The US planes were hugely outnumbered. And Randall and his backseat guy, Willie Driscoll, there he is. He's having a good time there. Absolutely. Boy, the mousetrap is a fascinating object, isn't it? I'll tell you one thing, Jack. Whoever came up with that, gosh, I'd sure like to shake his hand. No, don't put your finger...

Oh, boy, I wanted the cheese again. What can I tell you? I'm a cheddar head. I'm a big old cheddar head. I just... I saw that coming. I love this stuff. I love this stuff.

I told them that they shouldn't let you play with the mousetrap. I'm not playing anything here, I'm just a man trying to get a snack, obviously. You put a Frito on it, I'll do the same thing. Hey, look, cheese. Motherfuck! Oh, mother god. I'll tell you. That's literally the 14th time.

I know. Tell that to my index. My index looks like a thumb. Hey, look, a piece of cheese. Oh, son of a god. So, they end up shooting down three planes, making them the first aces since the Korean War. And now, he for sure was Duke. It was huge news in the US, right?

We're losing the war. This is a big fucking deal. Okay. Overnight, he becomes a star. UPI said he looked, quote, like a young Paul Newman. Yep. A math outsauce. Good golly.

That's like why my mother, my mother's just like, well, you probably get mistaken for Brad Pitt. I'm like, what are you talking about? You are so biased, I can't even hear this. I get mistaken for Angeline Jolie. You do? Yeah. Absolutely. So, the Navy plans a two week speaking tour for Duke.

Jesus Christ. They flew him back to San Diego. He met his family on the runway. Okay. That's sweet. I could finally hold it. He is, he's a natural with the press. Yeah.

So, he is great with the press. A reporter asked Duke about the Phantom airplane and Duke said, quote, it's sort of like your wife. It has its good points and it has its bad points, but you learn to love her. She's like, awesome. We literally just reunited like five minutes ago. She's literally sitting next to him when he said that. Hi. Great.

I'm abused. You know, she's a lot like, it's a lot like your wife in many ways. It's good to hit it with a thing and then it's great to be done with it for a little while, but then you can also go get it again if you want it. Quiet, quiet, sweetheart. Quiet, quiet, sweetheart. Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. It's over the press.

I'm analogizing for the press again, Delface. It's a lot like treasure you don't want to find. Your wife, not the plane. I see that mouth open. Quiet now. S-O-S. So, he went on his speaking tour. It's supposed to be two weeks, ends up being five months.

What? Everybody wants to fucking see this guy. He stays home with the kids and pretty soon when he gets back, he wants to do everything in front of the press. He's just addicted. That sounds like us. He calls the San Diego Union and asks him to send a photographer because he said he's going to put new vanity license plates on his Datsun 240Z.

So he's like doing stories. They did. The plates read, MiG-Ace. By the way, that's one of those ones you'd be behind. You'd be like, MiGachi? Is he Italian? What is he? I don't know what it means.

Hey, move on over, MiGachi. This guy keep calling me MiGachi for. Get a you spicy people out of my way. He's driving a Dodge stereotype. This guy printed in over 50 papers around the US. Man, we've been asking for the time we're in for a long time. Captioned look at this dickhead putting a MiG-Ace license plate. So Duke had never been faithful to Sue, but now he just completely stopped hiding it.

He started bringing his girlfriend Pam to Navy events. That's like what your dad did. Yes. Well, no, my dad actually brought a date home. To dinner. Yeah, to dinner. Yeah, mom. It's fine.

Listen to my album. It's called my dad brought a date to dinner. So he finally tells Sue he's leaving her on Pearl Harbor Day. What? God damn. Well, you want to keep all the bad stuff on one day. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

You wait till Pearl Harbor Day to die just to, you know. So now he had never signed the adoption papers. Oh, no. So this meant Sue had to give up their daughter. Oh, what? Fuck. That's not where I saw it going. I was like, he's not going to get to see her and that'll be damn it.

No, worse. Their son was bereft because his little sister was going away forever. So Duke told him not to worry because no, his new mom would have kids and they could be his real sisters. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Like I'm in no position to parent, but oh my God.

Think it through. Oh my God. And then, and then he left. Don't worry. I'm working on a bunch of little ones for you. Tons of them. We could just keep bringing in new ones all the time. Oh, there's going to be a line inside of Pam.

What? What? Oh, line inside of Pam. But then he leaves Pam too. Good. Good. Now don't worry. You're going to get a new mom once I.

So he met Dan McKinnon around this time. Who? Dan McKinnon. Oh, okay. That is what we call a drinker's nose. How long have we been doing the American flag pin to be like? Oh my God. Like, because I feel like, I felt like that was more recent, but we've been wearing the

flag. I think for a long, long time. Yeah. And then it's just your way of being like, oh, I swear to God, I love it. I like a bunch of these bare lapel fucking traitors. Where's your flag, asshole? Sorry. So Dan is a born-again Christian and he's connected to conservative Republicans.

Come on. I'm pro-choice when it comes to born-again. Yes. Hold that up. So, Dan introduces him to a bunch of other Christians. He's hanging around Christians and then one night, Duke accepts God. Oh, gosh. Oh, no.

And from that day on, he called himself a born-again Christian. Oh, boy. Now, because he's the only ace, women are still all over him. Right. He's carving out a little biblical path for himself. He's like, actually, if you read closely, I'm allowed to be a piece of shit to women. Look at closely. You know what God enjoyed was blowjobs.

In a parking lot. Out back, God was really into out behind the bar. That's where he giveth. Ooh. Okay. All right. Let's... Spassie.

That's sexual harassment. So, women are all over Duke. Like that at the Miramar Officers Club. And this is the place where there's tons of fucking going on in the parking lot. Sounds like a church. It's great. It's perfect for the Duke. He accepted God, so I'm going to go to this bar that's pretty non-restricted.

Yeah, ship-faced. Yeah. Cops knew Duke because he would drive drunk so often, but they wouldn't arrest him because he was the Navy ace, so they would just pull him over and drive him home. He's probably just trying to shoot him big down. Jesus Christ, the helm is at that statue. I bet it's a foreign statue. Duke works in mysterious ways.

Look at him go. I don't know if he should be in that fountain. Get him out. Get him out. Oh, he's just christening us. We're part of the club now. Duke, you are brilliant. Wake him up.

Wake him up. His drink. Like any big tough guy Navy pilot, a creamed aminthen cognac. Wow. I love that for him. I do too. Duke's coming. Can I have a creamed aminthen, please?

Extra creamy. Thank you so much. Can I get a little umbrella and a cherry, too, please? Oh, yeah. Yep. I'll be Shirley Temple. Thanks so much. So one night, Duke met Nancy Johnson at the officer's club.

She's 21. Sure. And how old is he now? Oh, fuck. It's a really good question. He's like, he's, I think, 30, 33. OK. All right.

So they get married on February 16, 1974. Sure. Sure. All right. Good. Good, good, good. So Nancy had very strict rules. No more.

So does his religion. I like how he's like, oh, man. She's really into the rule part of Christianity, apparently. So no more bars. He wasn't allowed to spout his opinions all over the place. Well, no more bars will help that part. Yeah. The other pilots' wives had liked Sue, but they did not like Nancy.

Nancy wore tons of jewelry, and she also wore oversized copies of Duke's medals. What the fuck? That's crazy. Just like all of a sudden, you're like, oh, we have a new villain. Picker medals? He was like, hmm, you promise it's an homage? Mm-hmm. No, OK.

Like Flava Flave clock medals? She's just like, boom, what's up, motherfucker? 100 meter dash. I'm making him up, motherfucker. Check out my purple heart, bitch. She's just wearing a cow heart. Check out my purple heart. That guy got mad because he's got a purple heart.

That's fine. So the other wives started calling her Mrs. T. I don't know when this was before Mr. T, probably, but that's a great name. No, this is when Mr. T was around. It's a great nickname. I'm Dr. T. This could be good. So they had two kids.

Nancy was a teacher in Encinitas. So insecure about if you said it right. Encinitas. OK. I mean, I'm from here, so I'm from around here. But I live nearby. You hear the name all the time. Stop doing the local stuff.

You're running for city council? Encinitas. So Duke was still spending way above their level. He had a motorcycle in three Datsun 240Zs. We need another one! What the fuck? That is so crazy. That guy was like...

He must have a problem with the warranty or something. You want another? Absolutely. Right this way, Duke. There's one of the... Yeah, go ahead. Get in there. I feel like you've driven these.

What the fuck is happening with this guy? My wife's going to wear one around her neck. So there's an homage to the others. He said he needed it for appearances because he was like a big ace. So he was getting bad fitness reports in the Navy. And so he got another one. He got really angry and he broke into an office. And he read the reports of all the other officers who were getting good reports.

And then he confronted his superior and his superior was like, we should court Marshall you. That's what the note said! Son of a bitch! But the Navy wouldn't because he's their ace. Like NFL rules. Yeah. Or just Congress or fucking...

Never heard of it. Yeah. So they assigned him to Top Gun. One pilot quote, he was a really good pilot, but he wasn't a good leader. A leader knows how to communicate, motivate, and create teen spirit. Duke couldn't do those things. Like Iceman. He also had a lot of trouble with the English language.

What the fuck? Amazing. So wait, what exactly does that mean? To me, Top Gun is a movie and I've never really explored what the title means. Well, Top Gun is like a place where the top pilot... So he's been put in the best pilots and they're like, he's a very skilled pilot, but he's horrible at communicating and being... He's like an officer there, so he's like above the...

He's not going to fly anymore. He's like Tom Scarey. Yes. Thank you, buddy. I've never seen the movie. Wow. What a... Yeah, it's crazy.

How are you going to see the second one? If you're talking about the dad in the river runs through it, then that's the guy. You and I are... I don't know, we got a Picket Fences guy? Yeah! Okay, yeah, yeah. So it's like... The dad from a river runs through it.

Y'all going to fish again? What's his job in that? You catch any? Such a good movie. What's it about? It's about a boy who has a fucking problem. They just want to have a super life, but he's in a gambling and fucking just gets in a lot of trouble.

That title is misleading. What does he get to the river? That's where he puts his neighbor's body. Sick shit. So, Duke... Now, Duke co-wrote and published his memoir. The guy who couldn't grasp the English language was like... Yeah.

How to Duke. Co-wrote. Co-wrote. That author was like, okay, so instead of saying you fucked his shit up, why don't we say that in a way you had a retaliatory action that sent a message? That's good, yeah. Nah, I fucked his shit up. Okay, all right.

I just think for a title, it's not where we need it to... But you're looking at me again with that cold... Oh, I know. Come on, big bitch. I like fucked his shit up. I feel like that's so good. That's great. Good to...

Any day break from this for a minute, just find ourselves. You can go on a blinking thing and I'll try to call my agent and figure a bunch of stuff out. And I've been thinking about inventing a different lawn mower. Maybe that's the path I should go down. I just feel like this is not working for me at all. You ever been in a plane? I kind of don't even want to answer. Honestly, I just kind of had to get out of here.

What you want to do is get your own flat suit. Yeah, I know. So does that why you're dressed like Santa? This is crazy. Karate Santa. Top Gun Santa. This is claws to base, claws to base. We are hit!

The book was called Fox2, the story of America's first ace in Vietnam. Okay. Now the next year, Jerry Bruckheimer came to Miramar to shoot Top Gun. Oh my God. There's not that I didn't do. I didn't do one. Whoa! Tom Cruise looks crazy!

I was going to put a Tom Cruise, and I was like, everyone knows what the fuck Top Gun is. So Duke told the people the movie was based on him. Okay. The screenwriter, quote, that is a myth. We didn't spend two minutes thinking about Randall Cunningham. I never talked to him, not once. He's perfect for Hollywood if he's lying about things that he's done. And then the screenwriter added that when he talked to the other pilots, none of them like Duke.

Okay, sure. He would always pull out signed pictures of himself while he was having conversations with people, and he would just whip these out, and he would hand them to people, and he did this his whole life. So you would be talking to him, and he'd just be like, here's a headshot. I mean, if you don't know him, you're like, sorry, what's happening right now? I'm Duke. There you go. For you.

And are they pre-signed? Yes. That's the craziest part. Yes. There you go. What's your name, Hillary? There, take it. I don't care if you're a man, have it.

There you go. I'm Duke. Top Gun was based on me. I didn't sign adoption papers that broke my family's heart. How are you? An officer said, quote, you could talk about anything from quantum physics to football. There you go. And he would somehow twist it around to him, and Willie just go on that day.

You know, quantum physics is a lot about the idea that maybe in another dimension that you're living in is a dissimilar existence in every possible circumstance is occurring. Like the one where I give you one of my signed headshots. That's this one. Thank you. There you go. That'll be $15. Oh, you like football, huh?

That's awesome. A lot of those guys seem popular. You know, a lot of times after the game they hang out and they make kids' days. That's a picture of me. I've already got three. There you go. Take a fifth. Okay.

There you are. That'll be $44. Don't be a picket piece of shit. So he would hand this picture out, and here it says Commander Randall Cunningham, and then as the years went on, everything he did got added to it. President Randall Cunningham. The next line was like seen in the movie, or based on the movie Top Gun. Like he would just add to it.

Prime Minister of the UK. Yeah. So he's out of his fucking mind. Some say Jesus. So Duke retires from the Navy in 1987. And by the way, for the rest of his life, he would tell people Top Gun was based on him. That never stopped. Even when everyone's like, no, it's not.

He's like, no, it is. No, it is. They wanted to call it gun top. I was like, that makes no sense. It's really a love story about me and all those women I fucked over. So he runs for Congress in 1990 in San Diego. It was a Democratic district, but the dem incumbent had sexual allegations against him. His name's Bates.

His name's Bates? Yeah, of course it is. Senator Bates, I need to leave for sexual conduct in propriety. Duke called him a sexual pervert. He said he was a disgrace. Like just a classic election. Truly, where you're just like, this guy's a bigger piece of shit. Vote for this piece of shit.

It came out that Duke had not voted between 1966 and 1988. Yeah. Is that a problem? Is that an issue? Sue would later explain he thought voting put him into a higher tax bracket. That is... By the way, that's... Wow.

It's like, I mean, I've heard some crazy shit that voting does, but voting makes you a millionaire, you dumb shit. Don't do it. I'd like to write off voting. Okay, all right. How are things, Duke? Not good. Also, we got to write off top gun again. That's fine.

So he wins the election by 1%. Wow. Now, being a war hero when he goes to DC, he's already a big star, right? He's got heads up of all the other freshmen. Like, they're like, oh, this guy. It's amazing how it doesn't matter how you get celebrity. It is just enough. In every way, you look and like turn that in for currency of relevance where you're just like,

yeah, I'm the guy that stabbed people. How are you? Yeah, I'm going on a tour. People are like, these are hot tickets. Hey, it's stabby Johnson. Yeah. Like Stephen Baldwin. I was like, who the fuck is the fuck about this guy?

And then he's like, I'm friends with God. And everyone's like, well, you come on over, Steven. You're the best Baldwin, by the way, maybe. That's tough. Yeah, no, I would definitely. Come on, Billy. Billy's still, we still got Billy. What about the, we still got Billy.

What about the Baldwin who accidentally shot someone and his wife is fake Spanish? Oh, well, Dave, I thought you were going to go in another direction, honestly. You mean Daniel? This is my fake Spanish wife. That's the best story ever. So at days after being sworn in, he had to vote to authorize the Persian Gulf War and he wept on the floor of the house as he did it. Oh my God.

Now it's possible no member of Congress has ever cried as much as Duke Cunningham. Painter. Oh, was he sent? Other times he cried talking about flag burning, voting to impeach Clinton. He was just putting the flag out. He was like, that'll stop it. Discussing cancer research, Reagan's death, talking about his mom, the U.S. recognizing Vietnam, Newt Gingrich stepping down his speaker, reading Peter Paul and Mary lyrics.

What? What? Oh my God. It's just like, I mean, it's all dumb of him, obviously, but it's also so dumb that in government you're just like, I'm going to go cry about it. I'm going to read some Beck lyrics and weep on the floors of... I'm a loser, baby. I got a devil's haircut.

In my, in my mind. Anyway, I vote for more gas subsidies. He would cry talking about his dog fight. He would go campaign for other Republicans and he would just cry in front of crowds. He cried on TV. He cried at lobbyist events. So he was like, it was less emotional and it was more just like a go-to. It was such a go-to.

Now, does he have tears because there's so many... Actual tears. Yeah, because there's a lot now where you're like, I don't know if he's crying and he's like, it's just so difficult. You're like, well, don't wipe yet. Let me see what you're wiping, motherfucker. It's like, nothing. I just looking like I'm crying.

So still he's the GPS most famous freshman. He's on TV all the time. He would tell us with fellow Republicans constantly that he was an ace fighter pilot and they weren't. There you go. Here's a headshot to remind you. Why don't we sign this bill into law? That's a headshot.

No, thank you. Take it. Okay. The signed one. I have 50. That'll be 50. You owe me four with the case, $55,000. I already paid you.

And I'm coming to get it. So one rep had been in the Air Force and every time Duke Bambindo or he would call her a quote, Air Force puke. It's just such a fucking... He's like five. Right. Right. He cried.

He cried. Sorry. In 1992, he won his district by a two to one margin. Wow. Now, Brett Wilkes was from Chula Vista. As was his buddy Dusty Fago. They went to elementary school and college together. So Fago becomes a cop.

He goes into the CIA. Then he's sent to Honduras and he's like overseeing all the money for the CIA there. Cool. Wilkes comes down and starts his own company leasing aircraft and equipment. And then they had all these congressmen coming down to Honduras to see Reagan's contra-operation. Sure. So... Fine, fine, fine.

Everything's on the up and up from what we can tell. Honey, I'm just going down to Honduras. It's fine. Oh, that's fine. It's not. I'm not going to... Fuck. What?

People who have sex there? No, they don't have vaginas. The people there don't have vaginas? No, not nobody. Nobody has a vagina there. That seems crazy. I know. Aren't there babies there?

You could just admit that there are women... Los Moses. I feel like it's crazier to say that there's not any vaginas there. You should read National Geographic about Honduras. I don't think I need to. We have encyclopedia Britannica at this time. Then you look it up there. I will.

I am right now, and it says that there are women there. It says right here. It says right... There's pictures of women here. So what the fuck? It feels like you're just sort of saying something to make me not think about it. Gender is fluid. I'm going to come with you.

That's so progressive for someone in this time of your ilk. I know. I know. It's crazy, honestly. I'm like Neil Gaiman. Mm-hmm. He doesn't know. So Congressman would come down Honduras to see Reagan's operation.

XCI agent, quote, they would show up down here and expect to be lined up with women. From the book, the wrong stuff, quote, one of his buddies. That's a great book. Oh, it's the best title. From the book, the wrong stuff. Here's an example. One of his buddies, a fairly low-ranking analyst at CIA headquarters in Tegosigalpa, would ask, was asked to find a woman who could perform oral sex on a visiting Democratic senator

who was one of the harshest critics of funding the Contras. What? The woman performed the service, but the senator didn't change his mind about the Contras. That's just so classic. Is that not like... Oh, my God. The idea, too. Like, we're looking for someone who will suck him off.

Like, just what a crazy... You know what I mean? Like, just... So Wilkes and... It's not DoorDash. So Wilkes and Foggo are down there just arranging sex workers for congressmen. Like, that's a big part of their job. Jesus.

After Central America, the two went to D.C., Foggo went, goes into the CIA and is moving up and up. In 1983, Wilkes meets with Duke and gives him $30,000 in campaign contributions to give to other Republicans. Because he, as a lobbyist, and he is working for a client that's computerizing California's transportation department maps, and he wants business for that company. The company's name is Audra. Okay.

So he's bribing him to get... What is he doing? He's bribing him to get his map system going. He's a map lobbyist. It's not a bribe. He's giving campaign contributions. Sorry, yes. Why would that be a bribe?

He's lobbying. Why would that be a bribe? He's giving campaign contributions. Sorry, I use the wrong terms all the time with that. He's giving them money and then getting them... He's giving them money to influence an opinion. He's not bribing. That's right.

Thank you. Sorry. Good Lord. The message gets made. Oh, that's just a random picture of Duke that I found that has nothing to do with the story. But look how fucking happy he is. I'm leaving my current wife for Elmo. He is so...

He cannot fucking believe that's Elmo. Look at how... He didn't grow up with Elmo. By the way, by the way... Hey, listen to me. I think this guy's not great. But you put Elmo in front of anyone and they're going to be like, this little son of a bitch is a pretty good step.

Why you not liking? Okay, Elmo. You stop bribing. All right. I stop bribing, Elmo. I'm sorry. Send her down with one woman. Check if we adopted daughter.

Make sure she's okay now. All right, Elmo. I'll be right back. But this is a guy a little scamp, isn't he? I don't care for the man who's fisting him much. Seems like a bit of a devilish situation. We must free Elmo. He wants to be part of the GOP.

I talked to Senator Elmo. Senator Elmo, you have two minutes to question. Well, Elmo wasn't listening too much, but maybe they tickled me. Elmo, focus, please. Object. All Elmo does is talk about getting tickled. It's all I think about. God damn it.

Elmo, this is a finance committee. I don't like finance. We are censuring Senator Elmo. And this weird man who has his hand in him. Who are you, sir? So, another... I gotta say, I didn't know I had an Elmo. No, I didn't either.

Nobody did. Who knew? So, another ex-congressman explained Wilkes to Duke. He's a chug wagon. Back in the days of the old west, a chug wagon followed the cattle herds with supplies for the cowboys. When a cowboy needs food, he goes to the chug wagon. When a cowboy needs boots, he goes to the chug wagon. A chug wagon is someone like Mr. Wilkes who pays your expenses.

If you need boots, he pays. If you need to go to lunch, he pays. Great. Good situation. So, he's just kind of a money fixer. He's a money guy. He's your money guy. By the way, the chug wagon sounds great. So, Wilkes gets... I need food and boots.

Well, you come to the right wagon, that's for sure. So, Wilkes got the contract for digitizing documents, but the Pentagon doesn't want it. It's totally unnecessary. They made them use it. Other programs like theirs cost $7,000, while Audra costs $30,000. So, it's more expensive. It's useless. And it sounds like what we are meant to do in Washington, D.C. That's right.

It's more expensive and shittier. Jobs! Let's go. Jobs for sure. But the money keeps rolling in. Wilkes gets a three-bedroom suite at the Watergate Hotel. This spot, by the way, keep going there. That's smart. That's where you want to be. Under the radar at the old Watergate.

Now, congressmen are coming, getting a ten-minute talk, leaving with cash just all fucking day long. CIA agents and others play poker there. One of them's Duke. And May 11, 1995, Duke was on the floor. I phoned. All right, Elmo. You weren't even dealt in.

How the hell much you had to drink, Elmo? I drink enough, motherfucker. All right, Elmo. You sit down now. I'll sit excited. Or whatever this position is that you're in with the man's hand in you. That's good charge. Elmo.

God damn it. Sit down. So horny. Elmo. You don't even have bottom parts, Elmo. For sure. What? So, on May 11, 1995, they are debating allowing gays in the military.

The idea, it's amazing that these huge pieces of shit are like, all right, now, morally speaking, sexual orientation. And so Duke said on the floor, quote, Dems want to, quote, put homos in the military. Jesus Christ. And one dem leapt up, offended to yell, and Duke said, quote, sit down, you socialist. So the next day, gay groups attacked him and Duke apologized,

saying he didn't know homo was offensive. Yeah, for sure. That's fine. That's the order that that should go in. So Wilkes now starts his own company to compete with Audra called ADCS. He's like, we will digitize these fucking maps. Yeah, it's the same. Yeah.

So is this the story of ways? So now he's taking Duke to expensive restaurants. Sure. Duke then tells the Pentagon to use ADCS. In 1997, Duke's son, Todd. You know what's amazing about this story is the idea that this was postponed, because like the delay is something we don't have. Right now, they'd be like, oh, for sure, let's get this shitty map system in.

Oh, yeah. There were people like, this doesn't make sense. Like, we don't have those anymore. Yeah, no, there's nobody like that. So in 1997, Duke's son, Todd was arrested for trafficking 400 pounds of marijuana into Massachusetts. Finally, he produced something good. Right? Yeah.

Duke had spent years attacking judges for being soft on drugs, and now he went in front of the judge and begged him to be soft on his son. Yeah. And I mean, that never changes, right? No. Yeah, it's like, it should be the crime, except to have it in my boy. It's fine now. He got two and a half years.

So at the time, this is tough on drugs time. I mean, how many? How much? Two and a half. For 400 pounds of marijuana. 400 pounds. 400 pounds. Jesus Christ.

So, what was he driving a tank? He was in an airplane. He was in an airplane. Flying an airplane, yeah. Just like Dad. I'm a pot gun. So the Defense Appropriations Committee is a big deal. They control a lot of money.

And Duke gets on the committee by the chairman picks the people, but he goes over the chairman's head. He goes straight to Newt Gingrich. Dodgeball rules. That's perfect, yeah. It's a callback. It harkens back. It's a coach college.

He goes straight to Newt Gingrich. If you get the opportunity to pick, go first. That's good. Just going to be on this test. This is a good syllabus. And picked all. Uh-huh. But not all.

You want a short one. You put him in the back. This is amazing. I can't believe we're at a six-week college. This is so meaty. So the chairman was furious. He went over his head and he called Duke in his office and he screamed at him, telling him he hadn't earned

being on a committee and Duke burst into tears. He was like, all right, settle down. There, there. And he told the guy he would be his wingman. Okey-dokey. It's a very strange reaction, obviously. You're that war hero? Yeah.

Kiss you. I'm the crying war hero. So, okay, so earmarks. Earmarks are spending anonymously that are added to a bill in a committee. It's a great term. After Congress's vote. It's a great term.

It's just fucking bullshit. Yeah. It's like saving a page. Yep. Perfect. Earmarks. Not corruption bumps. No.

No. Earmarks. So cute. Duke not controls 50 million in earmarks. Jesus. That's a lot of marked ears. So Wilkes then bought Duke a jet boat. What the fuck is a jet boat?

It's a fast fucking boat. He's like, hey, you like Miami Vice? Yeah. Let's get you one of those. Okay. I'm the Potomac. Yeah. So he buys him a fucking jet boat.

And then Duke gets him a contract. And some reporter at some point asked him what he was doing involved. And Duke said, quote, I'm on the side of the angels here. Anyone who questions it can go to hell. So he's like Joel Austin. It's just like, God have blessed me with a billion dollars. But take advantage of those who want to believe.

We don't boo God's men. Joel Austin is a hero. God likes Joel Austin so much he hid like $400,000 in his toilet. What did you do? I was just christening it inside of the bowl, officer. We was eating soap as a family again. So the Panama Canal is being turned over to Panama. Because it's in...

Bullshit over my dead body it is. Because it's in Panama. The American Canal. It's in Panama, so. It's called the American River. It's not. A river runs through it. So all these bases are being abandoned.

So Wilks is like we should digitize all the stuff. So Duke helped get some in contract to digitize all the stuff in Panama. Again, the military doesn't fucking want it. Most of it's just pictures of boats from 1880. And a map of a building that's not there anymore. It's just all fucking garbage. So it's like a Garmin. It's like that face.

Alright, there we go. It's still calculating. We're getting close until it figures out the round. Does it get any more convenient than this? There you go, little Garmin. It's looking into the cigarette. It's the height of technology we're dealing with right here. So the U.S. recognizes Vietnam.

And some vets who are in Congress decide to go on a trip to Vietnam. And they're at a formal dinner with Chinese officials. And Duke stands up and opens the whole thing up by saying, quote, you, Duke, shot me down. Let's drink to that. Oh my God. Just unbelievable. Oh my God. Just going like, I mean, after Vietnam.

I know how to ease this. Just me. Let me smooth the fucking war crime over. When he came back, he learned he had prostate cancer. He's very worried he wouldn't be able to get an erection. That's on my list of follow-ups. No doubt. So he got surgery and some time later, he announced during a committee hearing, quote,

I'm happy to say I don't need Viagra. Oh, Duke still got it. What's hearing about banking? I'm as hard as this gavel. So Wilkes company. My dick is functioning fine. Okay, we were discussing. I understand. I understand.

I just wanted to let everyone know I could piss out of it and finish out of it. It's still functioning. I could still shoot a mcdonald if you needed me to, sir. Don't worry about that. Don't you, once I lock on the target, to be honest, ejaculating hasn't been as easy as I'd hoped. But it gets so goddamn hard.

I'll tell you, it's harder than getting a law through this house. Your time is up. Well, tell that to... because he's got more to talk about. Let me show you how to chub it up properly. Treatcher, just give a symbol like a cock ring and wrap it right around the base there. Do you have a question for the CEO of Wells Fargo? I just wanted to know if you wanted it at full or half staff.

There's no tragedy in these pants, though, so we should probably go full. Woo! Running up the old Duke pole. Yes, sir. Okay, that's your time. Take a plate tetherball around this thing. All we need is a little volleyball. Okay, I'm recalling the rest of your time. I recall this morning when I got a huge hard on and pissed with it.

I pissed with my heart out this morning. It was like a fire hydrant that was unscrewed. That's right, I get big dick boners! Now, onto my balls. It's gonna take a while. The d-span will be right back with onto his balls. That's Duke cutting him. He's filibustering? What else do I want to say about my dick?

Oh, yeah! So, yeah, I mean, they're just doing, they're overbilling. Duke then calls a Pentagon and yells them to pay. The military, the military just could have scanned Docs. It's an expensive, unnecessary process. One military officer said, quote, they could charge 500 to protect a document until it was photographed, and then it would go back up to the attic where pigeons would shit on it.

Duke got the company 20 million in September 1997. So, I mean, it is just pure, I mean, it's like a terrible shell. It's completely pointless. Like, at least they're creative now a little bit, but you know what I mean? It's like we are digitizing maps. We need 20 million dollars to digitize maps. So, Duke buys a yacht. Sure.

For 200,000 to live and party in. It was named... To live and party in. Like he's Captain Ron. Yeah. It's named the Kelly Sea. The Kelly Sea? Yeah.

He didn't name it, it came with the name. I love the, I mean, he's got all this money, but he's like, I can't afford a new decal. That'll be 75 dollars! The bonus ship. He keeps it in DC at the Gang Plank Marina, where other congressmen also have their own boats. I got a Gang Plank.

Like Jim Trafficant. Jim Traff... Okay, yep. Duke then gets, he doesn't like the condition, so he gets 3 million to clean up the docks at a nearby fish market. What the fuck? In 1997, he's at a restaurant in DC,

and he bumps into two women he knows from the hill, and he invites them to his yacht for a nightcap. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. When they got there, from the wrong stuff, quote, he stood, there he stood, on an ivory shag carpet, wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a red turtleneck. Oh my god, he's like Ron Burgundy. Oh, oh, oh my god.

The women couldn't help noticing that the only illumination inside the boat came from candles and lava lamps. What? He's just... Dude, I mean, honestly. More lube, I mean vodka. Mmm, he's like out of a movie.

Yeah. Beanbag? It's like he's like, I turned it into an Austin Powers set. Is that cool? The women had to restrain their laughs. Oh my Jesus. So he went to an event for cancer survivors here in Escondido,

and there was a 74-year-old survivor, and he at some point said the military budget should be cut, and Duke responded, quote, fuck you. Good, good, there we go. Good debate. He makes great points, obviously. And later, when a reporter asked him why he said that to a cancer survivor,

he explained, quote, I didn't need to take that crap. So he's just a fucking asshole. But that keeps happening where it's like, they can't be around real people in real situations. They have no clue how to actually handle being in the real world where people are like, hey, fuck face, why'd you do that? They're like, how did this person get in here with this question?

Kill them. So now Duke is now being directly rewarded by Wilkes. On July 19th, he told the Pentagon the company needed money, and then he got a new $14,000 jet boat four days later. On September 6th, he had a meeting at the Pentagon, and four days later, he got an inflatable jet boat dock. Just pull the cord. Park your boat.

I mean, at no point is anyone like, it feels like he's really just, a lot of this is going to aquatic sport. His yacht basically became a river club for his lobbyists. Wilkes was paying the docking fees. Wilkes opened an operating account for the boat. It's always stocked with expensive wine. We made a lava lamp budget.

We're out of bean bags. We need more of those beads for entering rooms. More of those balls where you put your hand in the electricity just goes to that one part of your hand. I'm trying to open a Spencer's gifts on a boat. Is that possible? Watch out, Roomba! You got to check out the magic eye room, my man.

It's my full boner. So, the bribes really take off in 2000. The bribes already took way the fuck off. Wilkes gave him $100,000 for the Kelly Sea and took over the mortgage payments, but Duke still lived on the boat and the title never changed hands. That's how it works, for sure.

Here's $20,000 for a car. Thank you. This is mine, and let's keep everything else the exact same. Okay. All right. Anyway, that's a boat purchase. Here we go. There also came a new lobbyist, slash priber, Mitchell Wade,

and... Hello. I'm soft. I was born soft and I never stopped. I've had baby skin for 40 years. Wizard turned this baby into a lobbyist. Oh! Familiar noise.

Very bright. So, he had a military intelligence company. He took Wade to an antique store. And Wade got three nightstands, a leaded glass cabinet, a wash stand, a buffet, and four armories. And Duke gave the shop owner a signed photo of himself in a flight suit. There you go.

That ought to take care of everything. That'll be fine. By my count, we owe you 15 signed headshots. So, one, two, three, four, and there's 16. Keep the change. Thank you so much. Quote, he told me about the Top Gun movie

and said it was based on the story. You know, Top Gun was actually based on me. Not a lot of people know that. Yeah, I'll take the... Tom Cruise has based a lot of his life on me. Not a lot of people know that. You know, Staying Alive? You know that movie?

Uh-huh. That is based on me. That was... I don't know if you heard of Saturday Night Fever. One time I got food poisoning and... I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure that movie's based on me. Okay, do you want the...

You heard of Rambo? Do you want the chest? You heard of Rambo? Have you heard of Rambo? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want the friend's chest? That's based...

Okay. On... Who do you think? Take a guess. I don't know. Who would Rambo be based on? McCain? No, me.

And McCain. You heard of Rocky? Yeah. The squirrel or the... The squirrel. Yeah. That's me. Oh.

Yeah. Absolutely. That makes sense. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'd like you to leave my antique shop. Understandable.

Before I go, I'd like to show you, or at least explain to you how my penis works. You've been here 17 hours. Yes. Exactly. So I feel like it's all culminating with that. I gave you a headshot. I have 44 headshots.

Okay. All right. So just six more and then you're cool? Cool 50? Wade and Duke became regulars at the shop one trip a month for the next two years. Sure. Now, Nancy had a job at the Department of Education.

She's made out 114K. Duke makes 133K. And they bought a Penna's condo with a view of the river. He put down $200,000 in cash. That came from a new guy. New York developer who was nicknamed Tommy the Greek. Oh my God. Oh boy, oh boy.

Wow. Okie dokie. Yeah. Yep. Tommy the Greek had scammed New York schools out of millions of dollars. So Duke for him. Yo, I'll teach social studies. Yeah.

You give it to me for the globe budget. So Duke writes a prosecutor letter on his behalf and he says Tommy the Greek is being wrongfully... He's a good guy. These kids took advantage of him for fuck's sake. Are you kidding me? He's one of the best guys I know. These kids are fucking assholes.

You're not good of a guy. He's looking at my boat. There you go. He says he's being wrongfully prosecuted. He threatens that Congress is going to look into it. Doesn't work. He ends up pleading guilty and he has to pay New York back $4.8 million. God damn.

Good guys never win. Bullshit. Now at this point Duke is just getting checks and just depositing them in his bank. Yeah. It's very subtle. It's very careful, delicate. Yeah.

He buys an old Rolls Royce and then Wade pays $18,000 for repairs. He's getting flown on vacations. He decides he wants a bigger boat. Of course. So Wade... He's in the government. It's time. This is what you do.

It's helping. Wade writes $140,000. His approval rating with himself has never been higher. Wade writes a $140,000 check from his company. The boat... Put in the little memo line, full corruption. There you go. That ought to do.

The boat they bought was named Bowie Toy. Bowie Toy. It's getting better. The names are getting better. So Duke didn't like that. Oh, Duke didn't like that. It's too weird. He renamed it the Dukester.

That's what his penis could be called. The old Dukester. Now, once again, no title has exchanged. Why would there be? And then on top of this, Tommy the Greek buys the Kelly C for $600,000, which is $400,000 more than Duke had paid for it. I mean, like we had chances to stop this all. We just did forever.

I've been like, this shouldn't be. And also that boat still stays in Duke's name. Sure. So he's constantly getting gifts. He's getting computer tickets to Jimmy Buffett. I would love to see him. Oh, my God, by the way, that actually feels like that's like an anti-payment. To go and see a Jimmy Buffett concert.

You're like, oh, I thought I was going to get benefits. Hey, this next one's about a drink. All right, Jimmy. Here's a song about a parrot. All right. Oh, God. Here's a song about a corrupt congressman. This next one's about flip flops.

Here's one about getting sand in your house. I'm a parrot head. Then you should be in the Navy with that outfit. What? Parrot head. Isn't that what they call a Buffett people? Oh, is that what a Buffett... Parrot heads?

What a dumb fucking... I mean, right off the bat it's like, no. We're named after things that don't check the fuck up. So he's getting full on all his vacations. He's staying in like 6,000 a night Hawaiian resorts and they come with sex workers. He's getting sex workers at all these hotels. What the hell was he reading?

The fucking good one. I haven't read a lot of it, but I feel like... Really? People have misinterpreted a lot of it, I feel like. No, this is what they talk about in there. Yeah, I guess you're right. And then Wilkes also is arranging for sex workers for Duke and D.C. Good.

Those lucky sex workers, by the way. Duke even helped. Well, I don't have money to pay you, but here's 40 headshots. From a headshot. Duke even helped the limo company that drove the sex workers to him get a $21 million Homeland Security contract. Well, but we've never been more secure in our limo fucking budget. Jesus Christ.

Homeland security. I feel safe. And then Duke put a hot tub on the yacht. Jesus. But he siphoned water from the pollutic Potomac River. He siphoned? Ah! Ah-ha!

He siphoned water out of the polluted fucking river to use in the hot tub. What? I mean, that, look, a lot of things disqualify him from serving. This among them. I mean, siphoned... Oh, there, that's... I don't know, it doesn't taste like delicious river water, but once this thing fills up, there I go.

Look at that beautiful, nice, moggy bubbles. Ah, get in the sewer tub. Hurry up. That's just some doll parts. There you go. Oh, was that a finger? There we go. Get in there.

Oh, it's nice. Woo! Not so hot, is it? Just clogging some of the jets, I feel like. The only hot tub that ships. That's what I like to say. Here's the best thing. He wouldn't change the water all summer.

Fine, get in. Good luck. You're siphoning it from the river. You can change it at any time. Get in. He kept it the whole summer. Beautiful. Filters running over time.

I'll tell you that much. He really doesn't know what's going on. Put it through a bridge or something. It's not going well. One person who went to parties on the boat. Get the piss on her. Said, quote, the water was so gross that very few people were willing to get into the hot tub other than Duke

and his paramour. So at this point, he had a flight attendant mistress. It was probably like, it's fine. Oh my God, it's horrible. What have I done? There you go. Who wants MRSA? Hop in.

Come on. Let's get some staff, everybody. Woo! Yeah! If you got an open sore, get in my hot bog. He would have parties and invite people to get into the hot tub. Come on!

You look so reticent. What'd you deal? And then Duke would get in it naked. Let's go. Hey, let me show you my impression of Swamp Monster. Speaking of polluted. You never seen a man getting a goulash? You know, this is like the tub they used to cook

my ex-buddy in. Cut up some carrots. Funt me, baby. Funt me. Didn't you ever want to know what it was like to sit in a porta potty? Jump in. Get in the water's filthy.

Woo! I don't know where the parasite's in and the Dukester starts. Get in the old man dirt stew. Jesus Christ. It's not my fault. It's not his fault. I can't help what's happening.

So Duke now bought a mansion in Rancho Santa Fe. Him and his wife are making, again, they're making $147,000 a year. Sorry, $247,000 a year. It's just really such a nice place on that budget. I mean, it's a crazy mansion. It's a fucking crazy mansion. The water's a little see-through for my liking, to be honest.

I'm not sure what's with all that crystal-looking water. Could you throw some mud and some dead animals in the pool? Everyone puking it. Then it'll be right. So at this point, I don't know if it still is, but this was the most expensive community in the nation. People like Bill Gates had houses there. The Sultan of Brunei.

Just regular neighbors. And Duke paid $2.5 million for the house. He put $1.4 million down. Jesus Christ. Doing really well. A big part of that was because he sold his old house to Wade through Wade's company, and the company paid $700,000 more than it was worth.

At no point was anyone like, boy, these two are really working together a lot. Wade is a really good guy to him. Speaking of Wade, that's what you'll do in this hot tub. Around this time, he went to a school in Encinitas and gave a speech to the kids. How to be a piece of shit. You kids ever see a grown old man

naked in a river hot tub? Before we start my speech, I want to talk about erections and if I can have them. And yes, yes, yes, and yes, I'm very capable. Behind this podium, Duke is fully ready to go. You give me a hot tub with a paramour. You kids know what a paramour is? She's a lady. She came to me on a plane.

All right, Duke, thanks so much for coming. This has been unbelievable. And let me tell you. Literally. Stop talking. Cut his mic. I'm not kidding. She is one happy woman. Cut his mic.

Cut his mic. Cut his mic. Please. Could I fill her phone? All right. We're good. Thank you, everybody. Sad Wonder Missile. Oh, my God. It's Duke.

Top gun indeed. All right, Duke. If every kid looks under their seat, there's 30 signed headshots. That is something to start your life off properly with. You kids ever fucking rolled up tarp on the side of a river? Of course you have. What are you talking about?

What are you, fourth grade? So he's talking to these kids and he is discussing how people can be trusted with assault weapons. Boy, that won't come back to bite him. And during this he kind of strayed because he said, quote, with a 20 millimeter gatling gun, I could have disintegrated this whole school in a half a second. The NRA was like, that's our 30 year plan.

Oh, sweet foreshadowing. That is fucking crazy. Oh, that's, yay. Yeah, that's right. Yay. That's good. So in... And he was just like vamping basically.

He's vamping. Yeah, he's just fucking bullshitting. He's like, I'm out of role. So in DC he's now such a fixture at expensive power joint meeting places like the Capitol Grill that he has his own wine locker and lobbyists just stock it. Fucking... His $1,000 bills are just being paid for,

thousands of dollars for a dinner and they're just being paid for. This better end in him like exploding or something. I can't. I don't know. Now, his staff has no idea what's going on. His chief of staff questions him about a shady car buy. He pays 8,000 below market value and the chief of staff is like, hey, what's up with this car deal?

He's like, that's the thing you're flagging? Seriously? That's nothing. That's a filthy drop in the hot tub bucket. Duke yelled at him, quote, stay the fuck out of my personal business. He's like, I'm your chief of staff. I'll cut your fucking head off.

Okay. Did you see what I did to that school at Encinitas? It was not good. So then after that, someone on the staff doctored the sale of the car to make it look like he paid more. So, at some point, the... How's the map program going? Real good?

Well, Wilks and Wade are now working together. Okay. They would like, one guy would be like, hey, this is, I'm going to sell this to the Navy and the other guy would buy it and say he paid this much and it would be like, worth 100,000. They sell it for a million. Very easy.

So anyway, Wade gets 6 million off some deal and then he pays off Duke's second mortgage on his mansion. Sure. What a friend. And then Duke puts the boat up for sale in 2005. The bog boat? He doesn't own it, but who cares? Sure.

It doesn't matter. You don't need to own something to sell it. The reason for that is because he needs to open the space because the Kelly Sea is coming back. Why? Because Tommy the Greek had it refurbished for 100,000. So at this point, Duke has a yacht in D.C., this refurbished yacht in New York, a condo,

a mansion in San Diego, a Rolls Royce. He can use limos and jets whenever he wants. Right. And he has those jet boats. Yeah, he's got the jet boats. So now there's this reporter. Looks like every restaurant. Wine room.

There's this reporter, Marcus Stern, and he is just doing his job. He looks over trips that Congress people have taken. Exactly. It is a little crazy. And he sees this trip that Duke has taken to Saudi Arabia. And it's paid for by an American citizen who was born in Saudi Arabia. And he calls Duke up and he asks him about it.

He goes, what's up with this trip? And Duke's like, oh, it's about relations between our countries, you know, blah, blah, blah. You've got to go over there to figure out how to make it work better. So I'm going to go there to help figure out a bunch of the problems with it and then go there to learn about it and bring back a bunch of solutions from it to us. Two solutions to the issues that we betwixt us that are constantly problematic.

You know how they're, well, it's just, for instance, all the stuff about the friction. That is huge, in my opinion. And I hate that. And what I'm after is a way to make it so that there's less of that because the American people need to win. And if the American people don't win, that's going to be on the doorstep of Saudi Arabia.

So I'm going there to make sure they understand we're the winning country and coalition in many ways. And that if you move one piece, it could be a domino effect. So what I'm going there to do, in many ways, is establish as U.S. Americans that we are, plus the Iraqis and a bunch of the others, and make sure that it is functional in a way that's different, but better still.

And the similarities that exist are the ones we like. The foundation has been reestablished. We can build from the ground up, and we have a mansion, which I'll live in with my wives. It's necessary work on behalf of the American people. I don't want to go there. I'd rather be sitting here in my swamp tub, coming out like a creature from a lagoon.

So the reporter doesn't buy it. And he starts looking into Duke. It doesn't take him long to find this Rancho Santa Fe mansion and sail info, writes a story. It hits the news. Blogs and the San Diego Union Tribune jump on it, and Duke says nothing. And a few days later, he writes a piece in the USA Today

supporting a constitutional amendment to protect the flag. Meanwhile, the San Diego Union is just going crazy writing about it. Let's save this thing I'm shitting on. We've got to preserve this thing that I piss on every day. The press finds out about the Duke. Now's the time for symbols. The press finds out about the Dukester. They love that, obviously.

The FBI is investigating. TV networks jump on the story. Duke says nothing for 11 days. He's telling his staff. He didn't do anything. Everyone shut the fuck up. This will all clear up. It's fine.

There's no problem. This will blow over. Trust me. This is crazy. It's the reporter. Uh-huh. Okay. So it's just blowing up.

The story is totally, but people in San Diego are furious. And then he sends out a statement 11 days in, and he admits to selling the house to Wade, and he said that was very poor judgment. I should not have done that. I shouldn't have done that. Not improper, just poor judgment. Law and judgment.

Duke's mansion, his yacht, and Wade's company are raided. After the raid. A lot of lava lamps. Because... It's with all this lube. How old is this eggnog? The fuck is this? Oh, that's the hot tub.

I thought that was a cake. Oh, Jesus Christ. So... That's Siphon Potomac, pal. I'm not crazy. So Wade's company technically owns the yacht, so after it's raided a bunch, I don't know, a bunch, some of Wade's employees go down to check it out.

And they found tubes of KY, jelly, quote, everywhere. I can't believe. Everywhere. Uh, no wonder he's so slippery. I mean, that was, I called the lube. A lot of lube. That's more than fucking lube. That's like, put it on my chest here

so that when I enter, I glisten lube. A god should look like a god. Really lube it up on that beautiful body of mine. I like my dick to be covered in so much KY, it looks like a canned ham. Call me ham juice. Well, holy shit, it does look like a canned ham. Get all three of my nipples now.

Lube up old Dukester. All the piggies eat tonight. Of course, the press found out about the KY situation. They were like, oh my god, I might need some to jerk off to what I'm about to write. Duke's chief of staff explained... The chief of staff's in my pants. Duke's chief of staff explained it was for, quote,

some nautical purpose. He had to, he was caught. The boat was hitting mud, and so we had to KY to ship the vessel out of there. The vessel had to be KY'd out of the predicament. And by the way, I have two weeks left. I just want to point that out. But we had to lube it up, listen, like a submarine,

and then put it out right out of the, get it out of there with the lube, the lube, the lube juice. We lubed it. A lot of it was lubing, and once we lubed it properly, we were like, budget, just nudge it free, basically, with lube, you know. A lot of people are worried about oil spills. Not us.

We're worried about lube, lube, lube pools. And so, yeah, so it's all very lubed and gone, and it's fine. So that's the end of that. So everyone's happy that that happened. So, okay, well, we're not going to take any more questions because this went really good, for sure. So his chief of staff said there was a lot of KY

because Duke loved Costco and bought in bulk. Yeah. Why did he buy it in the first place? He likes bulk. When pressed further, the staffer said he talked to Duke about KY because Duke kept lubes of KY in his congressional office bathroom. What, like, he keeps having answers

that there are so many more follow-ups, okay? So why does he have KY in the bathroom? Uh, uh, boats. Duke is the inventor of what we call rocket pooping. It's a NASA program. It's through aeronautics. We didn't want to tell you it's top secret and bottom secret. You know, bottom gun was also based on dune. I bet, I mean, there has to be a movie called Bottom Gun.

Bottom Gun. There has to be. If not, get started on it. It's about goose. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Uh, so what Duke didn't know? Everything. Was that, uh, Wade had already turned snitch. Mmm.

You think you can trust a guy. And the FBI had found Wade's bribe menu. So what this is is, so it's a list of numbers on the left and then on the right and other list of numbers. So 16 is across from 140,000 because he got 16 million for the company and then he got the 140,000 for the boat. And then, and then as he gets more money for the company,

1750, it goes down. So the bribe as like, it's like, uh, it's like having a card at Chipotle. You get a free one every once in a while. So as he gets more money for the company, the company will have to give him less in bribes. Because he's a fucking idiot. Like, why would you?

But anyway, so he literally has a bribe. Can I have some more stationery, Duke? Here we go, perfect. Good thing you got your name on here. That's fine. So he realizes he's in a little bit of shit here and he sends Wade a letter offering to pay, he doesn't know Wade's a snitch.

So he sends Wade a letter offering to pay the differences in the house sales because, because when Wade sold, when Wade sold this old house, it sold for $700,000 less. So he's like, let me give you that. I didn't, I didn't know that. Yeah, you all pay for the difference. That's crazy. That would be unfair to the taxpayers.

Right back. He called up the antique store. Hello. And he reminded them. How you guys been? Good, good. Need any headshot? Hello, hello.

And he, he, he was like, do you guys remember when I was there and I... Oh yes, we do. And Wade was paying with a credit card and I had a bunch of cash with me and when he... You kept talking about how corrupt everything was. I would...

You guys were bought. I would hand him the credit card. I would hand him the cash. Yeah, we have an online camera here, sir. What do you need? And of course they were like, yeah, no, we don't remember that. And he's, and he said, quote,

well, I haven't written down on my little book and the owner said, I would remember if you were holding $35,000 in cash. My little book says you're a shithead. How do you feel about that? Ass face. And then he said a letter and... Do you need any lube?

And then he said a letter and a cash check to the Union Tribune explaining he had lost an invoice but had just come across this and it was for $16,000 for rugs that he had bought. He's just like, he's so fucking dumb. He's so fucking dumb. He's like, I can get out of this.

This is bright, I know. This backwards like bright. I'm sending out my excuse letters. I think I owe you $60,000. So then he held the press conference. Hello. And Nancy stood beside him and she is not happy.

Right? We did it. We did it, babe. We. She's really fucking pissed. Yeah. Well, you know, Nancy didn't know about all the lube. I mean, could you imagine you're married to a guy?

It's one thing to be cheating and it to be public but they're like, there's so much lube. You're married to the lube guy. He never used his lube at home. I don't need to. God lubricates Nancy for me. Then also sometimes I just like to rub it on my butt and slide on the boat.

Some of it's fun lube, some of it's sex lube, some of it's titty lube for me. Nancy gets Potomac water. Which is greasy. It's all about Potomac lube, a new lube. Yeah, so she's fucking angry. I wonder why. He still denies everything at the press conference

because he's confident he'll be vindicated but he won't tell anybody he's not going to run again. Wow, what a weird coincidence with vindication, no running, it's so strange. That day Nancy told him, quote, you need to know Mr. Cunningham that we now do not have a marriage, we have a business arrangement.

So she's calling on Mr. Cunningham, which is a bad sign. He's also like, that's perfect. Thank you, darling. Senator becomes clear to Duke that he's fucked. He might have been when he learned that Wade was actually a snitch. On November 28th, he went to court and he pleaded guilty.

Afterwards, in front of the courthouse, he told the press he had been lying to everyone and he cried. It's like KY tears. Jesus. Sorry, these are hard to get off. They really, they're so, God, it just makes, never mind. Before sentencing, he moved into McKinnon's ranch bunkhouse.

He was seriously medicated. He was on Soloft, Ativan, Ambien, and Trasadone. So he is fucking having a pill party. He must have good health care. Can you, doctor, can you take me to Zonko land? He was sentenced in March. Nancy asked for lenient sentence for their daughter's sake. She was very cold to Duke and was asked about it by reporters

and she said, quote, it's a mental distancing thing. As far as I'm concerned, he no longer exists. Well, that's quite a distance. But the thing she's mad about is like the lubing and the cheating, right? Everything else. Well, no, because she ends up owing the IRS 1.5 million. Jesus Christ. So he did a number on her too.

So the judge noted his service to the country. Unfucking believable. The military. You can do anything you want if you were in the military. Quite a pass. So he gets eight years. I mean, Top Gun was based on you. Absolutely.

He gets eight years, four months, which his lawyers were ecstatic. Like that was a super low sentence. He also had to pay 1.8 million in back taxes. $1,500 a month in jail, which he could do easily because he gets a congressional and military pension 64,000 a year. Okay. So there you go. The night before he went in to jail,

he dropped off suitcases and duffel bags at Nancy's to hold for him. More baseball equipment. But when I start that little league, when I get out. Don't open that one. That's a lube bag. I took it all out of the tubes. So it's just zipped up in the duffel. In retrospect, a terrible decision on my part.

Anyway, here you go. Bury this all. So they had lawyers and the lawyer was going through all their property to inventory and he found the bags and he found $32,000 in like 120. So much lube here. And then after he got into jail, he sent the reporter, Marcus Stern, a letter just saying it was all Wade's fault. And it quote, Wade is the absolute devil and his lawyer is trying to save his donkey.

But what's wrong with saving a donkey? Don't bring the donkey into this. So Wilkes got 12 years shorter than recommended also. Sure. Wade got 30 months to this day. He is crazy rich. Finally, a good part of the story. Duke got out in February 2013.

He still said he was innocent and that he would prove it. So he went straight OJ. I was just going to say him and OJ are like, we got to find these sons of bitches. They're out there. On January 20th, 2021, Donald Trump pardoned Duke. Fuck. Fuck. I'm just hoping to get some lube out of the guy.

The Duke is greasy. They say he's greasy. He's lubey. It gets better. Oh, no. So he starts to pay back millions, right? So it was a conditional pardon. He starts to pay back millions.

Duke quote, it makes life worth living when people look at you and accept you. And this pardon is another step forward. Fuck. Fuck. So why did Trump do that? Well, that's interesting. Cameo. One of Duke's prosecutors, he led a lawsuit against Trump University.

And in depositions... By the way, Coach College. Coach College. In depositions, this guy went fucking hard at Trump all the time. And they would go back and forth. So that's why Trump pardoned Duke Cunningham. It's fucking revenge. It's always revenge.

It's so petty. It's always getting back at someone, always. Trump ended up paying 25 million. That was the lawsuit that he settled in like his first year. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. So Duke now lives in an undisclosed location in Arkansas somewhere. And...

Oh, fuck. Oh, what a good ending. Fuck. At least he's in Arkansas, I guess. Fuck. It's... And it's like, it's gotten so much worse. Yeah, I would say now they've just figured out ways to hide it better, you know, but...

Yeah. It was all the offshore shit and stuff like that. It's the offshore shit, but it's also like, you know, what he did is what they all do. They take fucking bribes. Yeah. Like the whole thing is run on taken bribes. Yeah. It's a good system.

It feels like it's going to end up really good. Yeah, like he didn't... He didn't illegally... He illegally took... He was just dumb about it. Right. Yeah. Now, there are so many other ways.

I mean, they all do. Yeah. That's part of it. They fucking... And as well as, yeah, fundraising and whatever was... Incider trading. Like, that's a huge... There was insider trading in this.

They would learn about shit and they would... Nancy... What's the Nancy Pelosi... There's a Nancy Pelosi TikTok where people follow Nancy Pelosi's... It's stock buys. And then they buy them and they make tons of money. No, but it's worse. It's worse.

It's Nancy Pelosi's stock tracker. And there's all these people like, God damn, she just makes so much fucking money because, you know, it's the same thing Mitch McConnell does where he's like, I don't know. My wife makes all the investments. And then... And then so they're just like, okay, so then they're not culpable. So then this group of people is like, well, why don't we just follow everything Nancy Pelosi invested?

So they do and they're making fucking tons of money. But then they just start shutting down those accounts. So the behavior is allowed to be fucking enormous illegality that's making hundreds of millions of dollars. That's able to continue. But replication is the problem. It's just like, it is at the point where you're like, I mean, I don't... Like, you know in the movie when Jason is chasing people in the forest and you're like,

we just got to survive for like 20 more... Like it's at the point where you're just like, fucking cut my throat. Just kill me, Jason. I don't want to go through the movie anymore. It's over. It's crazy. Oh, San Diego. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

We really appreciate it. Love you. Love you, sir. I love you. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Sources for this episode, the wrong stuff, the extraordinary saga of Randy Duke Cunningham, the most corrupt congressman ever caught by Marcus Stern, Jeremy Cramer...

Sorry, Marcus Stern, Jeremy Cramer, Dean Calbreath George Condon Jr. Also a bunch of different articles from the San Diego Tribune, TheHill.com. And yeah, that's it.